#tw: suicidal actions

[fallfromgrace-cas]

I've been having some funky dreams and my spouse said I should start journaling them since parts are recurring, so here we go.

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts/actions, depressive thoughts, and threat of pregnancy loss but only briefly!

I'm pregnant currently and I know that can cause vivid dreams (this isn't my first pregnancy.) But my dream involved the cast of Superstore, but it was set in space on a space ship. Amy was the ship captain and everyone else (main cast) was there, too.

The first part of the dream involved me and other folks remodeling the commissary to be les chaotic and cleaned up and I remember really focusing on cleaning the kids corner (even though I saw so children in this dream). We were all very proud once we were done.

Then there was a big speech in this huge auditorium setting where Amy and everyone sorta decided to do what they wanted as they have been micromanaged for too long, so as per usual in the show, things go of the rails pretty quickly. People were not following safety protocols and they launched indoor fireworks and pyrotechnics for this beauty pageant that was going on and one of the fuzzy sounndproof thingies caught fire, so Amy, someone else, and I worked together to try and wrangle the people and put out the fire. The work took a toll on Amy and she grabbed her briefcase and walked up this huge wooden staircase like in the movie, Titanic.

Now the perspective of the dream shifted to where I was now Amy. I heard people whispering and mentioning that I looked awful and some woman said "it's her awful mental health." I remember feeling really bummed as Amy and really depressed. I kept walking up the stairs and Jonah from Superstore was following close behind because he knew something was off. I/Amy made it up to the top of the stairs and I just jumped off this very tall stairs. Jonah grabbed my hand right as I was beginning to fall, but we both fell. I remember feeling the weight of Jonah's hand and the weightlessness you feel when you're falling. Then as I/we hit the ground, her perspective went black.

Then it shifted back to my perspective. I ran up from the back of the shop to the middle by the stairs and saw the commotion. Amy was not there, but Jonah was. I asked him what happened and he was banged up and his face was stricken with tears and I remember looking into his glassy, red, tear-filled eyes where he said that Amy jumped and "killed her baby."

Note: this along with the jump are what stuck with me the most and I've been thinking about it all day. :(

We saw an ambulance arrive to pick up Amy as she survived her jump and it seemed that the baby was okay! But as this was happening, the dream shifted to a weird burglary/heist sorta thing where a group of 4 space pirates decided to rob the ship and try to steal Amy's suitcase because it had all the ship's confidential and financial info in it. But myself along with a kitchen chef Home Aloned these pirates and saved our information, so yay! And Amy made a full recovery while also now speaking Spanish and English? That's how everyone knew she was okay?

THEN the dream made an even more dramatic shift and ended with Amy and Jonah getting married and all of us having to do a Superstore college test, but Amy came back in her wedding dress and all after leaving the reception saying that we didn't have to do the test and we could go home.

Then my toddler woke me up for the day. HOW BONKERS IS THIS? What in the world is bothering me?

[areawest]

i’m gonna kill myself i can’t do this anymore

[animenostalgia]

Some extremely sad news to share - Mangaka Hinako Ashihara, best known in the US for her shoujo work like Sand Chronicles and Forbidden Dance (originally Angel's Kiss in Japan), has died from suspected suicide. Her latest series in Japan, Sexy Tanaka-san, has recently gotten a live-action drama series. But behind the scenes, the production has been riddled with problems. Ashihara had expressed in a now-deleted blog post the scripts where not what she was promised out of the adaptation, which she later apologized for, saying she hadn't meant to sound like she was attacking the staff of the TV show.

People speculate that all these issues most likely lead to feelings of despair, though we don't know the full details and possibly never will. Whatever happened, it is a true tragedy and Ashihara will be deeply missed.

[stressfulsloth]

I really do think it's interesting that the way DE discusses ableism gets ignored by a lot of the fanbase. Because Harry is undeniably disabled and that's a core conflict of the game. He's living in an impossible situation that so many disabled people get caught in; he's physically disabled, even more so by the end of the game after being shot, but even at the beginning of the game he struggles with nerve damage, post-polio syndrome, partial paralysis in his jaw, withdrawals, and that's not even starting on the mental illness. He is sick and cannot ever properly heal under these circumstances because he cannot stop moving forward or he will start to sink. He's living in poverty. He has no safety net. No way out of the RCM. That night in Martinaise before the beginning of the game, he tries to quit- throw everything away. He tries to end his own life and drive his car into the sea because he cannot fathom a future where he's able to get out of this alive when he's so intrinsically bound to this abusive institution that he can't escape from.

And then comes Jean, deliberately forbidding anyone from jogging Harry's memory out of spite and anger, refusing to allow anyone else to help, calling him a fucking idiot and a psychopath, asking if he can go to the toilet on his own, telling him that he doesn't deserve his disability pension because it should go to cops who gave a shit instead (nevermind that Harry has been working at burnout pace for years, he's an addict so his contributions are essentially worthless, right?). He has a conversation with Judit, right in front of Harry, on whether or not he has learning disabilities.

This guy is a very interesting character! And I'm not denying that he's likely dealt with consequences at work from Harry's illness. But he also fulfils the narrative role of being a mouthpiece for the suspicion and even outright aggression that addicts face even while trying to recover. He fulfils the role of a representative of the RCM, with the ability to approve or deny Harry’s return and in turn essentially sentence him to a slow death in the seaside village. He is not there to help; he is there to judge and observe, and then blame Harry when things go bad even though his inaction is at least in part responsible for the deaths during the tribunal. And this is all very deliberate! The RCM, and by extension the Coalition, as an organisation is failing both its officers and its citizens- Jean, by extension, is one of the officers being failed! They are underfunded, overstretched, overworked, and shouldn't even exist in the first place. The expectation on partnered officers to provide emotional support to each other is ridiculous. But instead of directing his anger upwards towards the Coalition airships or superiors at the RCM, he directs it outwards, towards 'the liberals' or towards Harry, who as a disabled addict is a pretty convenient punching bag.

His vitriol towards Harry is not supposed to be sympathetic! At least the way I read it, you're not meant to look at him and think 'oh wow Harry's struggle has been so hard for him.' You're meant to question his language, to think more deeply about how society treats addicts, how punitive measures are never going to help someone get sober, about the importance of safety nets.

[hg-aneh]

You don’t have to answer this but I hope you read it. I just now saw that you wanted to settle things privately and I feel like a dick because

Well. I hope you’re doing alright and that you have lots of warm blankets and all your favorite drinks of choice nearby. ♥️ I was upset on your part. Lots of good vibes to you.

Hey, don't feel bad about it, I know your intentions were definitely not bad with this, and I'm very appreciative of the gesture regardless of how I wanted to handle things personally

What has been bothering me however is the way people are reacting about this being brought up to Neil

I know it can be mortifying to the fandom at large, but sometimes, some people on the internet won't stop or listen to reason unless some higher authority tells them to do so (which, in this case, it would be Neil), and the people who come to those higher authorities are only trying to make things right, it's all!

Also, he's got over a thousand asks on his inbox and he decided to pick this question to answer by his own volition

No one was pressuring him to do so and he's not going to leave the platform or close his askbox because someone gets a bit too personal with him, he's said before that he just deletes asks that make him uncomfortable, which wasn't the case here so that should tell people enough about it in my opinion (you are completely allowed to disagree)

I've also seen people considering this whole thing just "drama"-?

Listen, I know those people are not me and that theyre not in the position I'm currently at, and by God I hope they never EVER will be

But look. I haven't told anyone (besides 2 friends who watched everything unfold very closely and have helped me with receipt-safekeeping) all the details about this situation, nor have I gone out of my way to talk about it fully with anyone or allow myself to process this whole thing completely, but I assure you, it is not just drama

The way the buildup of all of this messed with me almost made me k-ll myself about a month ago

I can see why people would think it's just something silly since they don't have all the details (and I'm not planning on revealing them unless something big comes up), but please, to those people, think of that for a second, think of everything I haven't talked about. Just. Keep that in mind before you call this drama

I'd really appreciate that

[depressedhatakekakashi]

Actually hate seeing people call Sakumo a bad father because he took his life.

Like obv that’s not a great moment and traumatized his son deeply, but he’s still a good father. He still loved Kakashi deeply, wanted what was best for him, supported him, trained him, and generally just adored his son

None of that goes away because of how his life ended

He doesn’t become the worst father ever for being unable to force himself to keep going when the entire village turned against him.

[utilitycaster]

(this is tagged for it as well, but putting it here: the below involves some non-graphic mention/discussion of suicide in relation to episode 3x78)

I think it's important to keep in mind, regarding the most recent episode, that while Ashton's behavior was extremely dangerous and reckless, it was not suicidal in intent. Ashton thought it would work. They thought that they would fix things, and they ignored all the smart people warning them against it because it would imply a lot of negative things about their parents. That doesn't mean it wasn't an action taken out of a certain lack of self-regard (Ashton's realization of this is what drives much of his conversations in the first half of the episode); but it's much more akin to an accidental overdose, or a drunk/reckless driving, or other dangerous choices. It feels very true to the idea of punk that Taliesin is going for, in which dying young is always very much a possibility, even perhaps an expectation; but not necessarily a goal. Ashton did not expect taking the shard to result in their death, and is incredibly shaken specifically because it did.

With that in mind I think the party's reactions seem very real and very understandable. The fact is, when someone does something very risky and nearly dies (or even is briefly clinically dead, using real-world terms) but ultimately survives it's extremely normal for one of the emotional responses to be anger that they put themselves in such danger. It is not, perhaps, rational, but most emotions aren't. It hurts a lot when someone one is close to does something that harmful to themselves. I don't judge the other members of Bells Hells for expressing those feelings. Frankly, them not expressing similar feelings in the past might very well be why Ashton made the decisions he did: the party lacking trust and walking on eggshells around each other is why he didn't confide in them, and why they fell apart so completely here.

I think it's relevant that Chetney tells Fearne, after stating he likes Ashton, that either she or Ashton can talk to him if they "want out", and he pretty heavily implies that this indicates not just leaving Bells Hells, but suicide, and that he has considered the latter in the past. It's clear that initially Chetney considers that a possible reason for Ashton's actions. He then gives Ashton the "You should leave" speech only after everyone present has been talking at dinner, after Ashton has indicated that he will help find Laudna. It only comes out after Ashton's emotional state is made more clear to him: it's pretty bad, but not actively at risk of self-harm (and indeed, desperately trying to avoid it and to change).

Finally, it's worth considering how important anger is to Ashton. Obviously I don't think having Imogen, FCG, and Chetney yell at them feels good. I also think it's going to feel better than apathy, and more honest than any other option. I don't think a forced gentleness would be better; in fact it might be worse, with them taking a break because clearly Ashton is having a hard time and needs to recover (shades of how Marisha mentioned Laudna feeling like a burden following her resurrection), rather than "we are clearly all in disarray and all have been not dealing with a lot of emotions, and this could have been any of us, and we should all regroup." I mentioned before that ultimately what's important is, angry as they are, Bells Hells undeniably stayed, and FCG and Imogen at least made it clear early on that they would, even if they were angry. Ashton was abandoned in the past by people who weren't even angry, is the thing. I don't think they cared enough to be.

[queerbauten]

It is suuuper telling how many people are acting like the two choices are “allow people who are doing harm to continue doing harm” or “have the guilty party kill themself”

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

I don't know if this still happens cause I'm not too involved with the Fuuta side of the community, but when I was first getting into Milgram I remember being somewhat annoyed at how much I saw Fuuta's murder being watered down to just "Haha twitter user was twittering". And I still feel that way, not because I think Fuuta should be specially punished for his murder, but because in a series full of murders that anyone could commit when placed into their shoes, Fuuta is the character that I think exemplifies the fact that any of these prisoners could be you if you were placed into different circumstances.

[animangabwedit]

Wind Breaker by Nii Satoru

[yurious-george]

4'33'', by John Cage, is commonly remembered as 4 and a half minutes of silence. But contrary to popular belief, the song is not actually meant to be the sound of silence, but the sound of quiet. Ambient noises contribute to - and consist of - the performance. True silence does not exist. If one tilts their head right, the whole world sings. and, with that said, a playlist.

yeah, this one's a doozy. hi, cubewatermelon and co. miss me?

rhetorical question. don't answer that.

A few nitty-gritty things out of the way, first. this is specifically intended for the 2018 mod team for the sleepless domain fans discord server, primarily cubewatermelon/mary cagle. Folks who knew me are welcome to look on, but I'm not going to do much to catch people up to speed. hi, everyone! hope you're well!

I also might be a bit disjointed or biased in my recollection. For reasons that will be made clear extremely soon, I can't put my childhood on a linear timeline. I can only express myself, and hope I don't mess it up horribly this time.

Noooowww to the big stuff. re: stalking; i genuinely didn't mean to stalk anyone, and when they told me to back off, i backed off. I am not willing to discuss this further. not being able to conceptualize other people's emotions or the consequences of my actions has caused some problems for me

that's an autism thing btw. im autistic i dont think i told anyone that

And now, the special guest you've all been waiting for: a big round of applause for the elephant in the room! In accordance with the WMA Declaration of Tokyo, the deliberate overprescription of psychotropic medication is a form of pharmacological torture. Most victims of pharmacological torture and experimentation are children, because it is nigh-impossible to sue for brain damage when there is no fully-formed adult brain for comparison prior to the abuse.

Torture is a strong word, but I don't have another word to use. psychiatric abuse usually describes mistreatment in psychiatric wards; pharmacological abuse describes a patient who takes advantage of a prescription; medical abuse is when a doctor (usually physically) abuses their patient. Being able to understand what happened to you is a form of agency, and I don't even have the words. I identify as a torture victim; this may change.

This high dose was precedented and legal, but the vaginal stretching of intersex infants is also legal. much involuntary psychiatric & psychotropic treatment (such as restraints and solitary confinement) are legal, and child marriage is legal. abuse is not abnormal: it is profoundly normal. Because something is normal, legal, and precedented does not prevent it from being torture.

and when your mother hands you a poison apple and says "here, eat this; it will be good for you; i hope someday you'll forgive me" you have to eat it, because you are eight years old and you don't get to argue with your mother. despite all this, I don't blame my aunt for refilling the high dose. when I said the dose was hurting me, she listened. (thank you, auntie. i wouldn't have gotten out without you.)

And this brings us to you. oh, you four. (five? i forget myself!)

I'd like to establish some context. I was used to things getting taken from me. friend groups in particular: I didn't expect to keep any friends, because I constantly expected to have to pack up and move on. I moved a lot in my childhood, and in Africa, i was constantly told that at some undetermined point in the near future, i'd have to go back to the states. living with my aunt was a temporary thing, i was expected to eventually move back in with my parents at some undetermined point in the future. I relied heavily on online friends because they were people I could have anywhere, so online communities were my only lifeline - not to mention, i was basically in solitary confinement while in Kenya.

Most of all, I was terrified of my mental health/actions being exposed, examined, found lacking, and ultimately excluded. (this is why i was so afraid of psychiatric wards.) When you decided something had to be done about me - cutting me off from the server so i had to speak with you - It was either comply with your demands to communicate (which I could not, and did not understand why) or lose the community. I was so, so afraid of you i wanted to die when you all confronted me, and of course i couldn't say that, because only manipulative people would say "your attempt to solve this problem makes me want to seriously hurt myself."

But then I got called manipulative anyway <3 yay <3

Seriously: I wasn't trying to manipulate anyone, and i have no idea how you can manipulate someone without intention. (ah, that felt good to say!) Between medication spellbinding, alexithymia, and prior abuse, all my thoughts were so disordered i genuinely couldn't explain myself most of the time. Looking back, I have no childhood memory where I was fully lucid. I leaned into a manic persona because it was the only way I had any agency at all. I was something beyond both reason and self-recognition, and I willingly tried to brute-force my way through an extreme trauma response to please you. And you still hit me with my worst nightmare. that's why i was mad at you lol

I was so, so afraid, all the time, and I didn't even have the tools to understand I was afraid. How could someone as confident and impulsive as me be so fearful all the time? Was that manic persona freedom? Or was it a longer leash?

(Forgive my impulse toward rhetoric. I shouldn't ask questions you can't answer.)

I also couldn't say how badly i was hurting, because that would be venting, but you also accused me of venting when I was just talking about my day? or what was on my mind? I didn't understand that very well. autism moment, don't bother explaining it now. I also couldn't burden people with my actual mental health problems, because making strangers deal with that would be toxic! I resent you for setting up a system where it seemed safest not to speak and then punishing me for my inability to communicate. I resent every system that set me up for failure and punished me for failing, including yours.

And yet - I know that was not your intent! I can see in retrospect how hard you tried to be kind using the tools you had. The people with power over me, who genuinely did not want to do me harm and gave me multiple second chances, still upheld and facilitated the systems that tortured me; a miniature parody of the psychiatric system. (talk therapy and communication are useless if you struggle with self-awareness.) The same is true for the source: No person in my psychiatric treatment wanted me to suffer, and yet, here I am: a torture victim without a torturer. (except my parents, sort of.)

The logical conclusion, then: the system only intends to heal those who are already compliant, or prioritize compliance. The rest of us are treated to induce compliance, and if we still cannot, we are sequestered away. My medicine made me sick, and my prescribers made money off of keeping me sick - off of my torture. This is not a conspiracy: it is my lived experience.

However, even if i could communicate perfectly, we still would have had massive communication issues. Like - you know that one page where ben and steffi talk about dating, and ben says he thought steffi was gay? and steffi gets super defensive and it escalates into a screaming fight? I found that offensive, because a character getting that offput by the concept of not liking men (or a man) is kind of lesbophobic! But I understood that it would be a pain to redraw/write the page so they they fight about something else, don't fight, or some other solution, so i didn't need it to be fixed - just wanted to point out that was a reasonable interpretation, and one to be aware of in the future. but somehow my concerns got interpreted as a phrasing issue…? like, Ms. Cagle rewrote the page to say "weren't into guys" instead of "gay"..? You were very polite about it, Ms! But I found this interaction so baffling I didn't even try to correct it. that… wasn't what i said…

frankly we should bring back mildly homophobic steffi. twas narratively appropriate (<- different essay for a different time)

but yeah the whole communication operation was doomed from the start. rip!

The issue was always my inability to communicate, but my meds made it nigh-impossible to understand what I was feeling, and when I did, expressing myself could get me institutionalized. My suffering was inevitable but always, somehow, my fault. Awesome! *disintegrates into a pile of sand*

I cannot deny I was a girl like a box of matches waiting to be struck. You had no choice but to do as you did. But is it really what you ought to have done? (On this, I have no answer. I hope you have one that satisfies you.)

(that was genuine, by the by. i've spent a lot of time pondering this mess, and I still haven't found the "right" answer. I don't think there is one - though action or inaction, there is no version of this story where I don't suffer. I can only hope it was worth it. wait, hold on *adds the omelas child to my Kin List*)

Nor can I deny making my previous open letter in a small attempt to 'get back' at you - i'm not above that. lord knows i'm not innocent. but i really was trying to channel that rage into something productive. unfortunately i was doomed to fail because i didn't know what i meant. if you showed me that letter now, you'd hear a lot of "what? I don't know why I said that" "i have no idea why i would complain about something so minor" etc. You can disregard all that. This is what I was trying to say. the obsession, the trauma, the projection: all of it. So much of my obsession was talking around an issue i couldn't identify.

(meguka image) I know now

I knew I would be traumatized by this whole situation. I saw it coming and i could do nothing to stop it. But Gear was crucial to deciphering all this - in fact, suddenly thinking about her last year prompted me to really dissect my medical situation and realize i was tortured. I couldn't have done it without her. cassie & maggie, against the world.

Gear scans surprisingly well as a victim of long-term torture, actually. I don't think you meant to do that but good job!

speaking of her - i still don't think she's consistently suicidal. she's a real cockroach of a character, and I love her for it! But sometimes, i want to die and i want to live mean the same thing, because they both mean i need to get out of here. Imo, her thought processes and desires frequently contradict themselves, like mine did. and making your favs kill themselves in increasingly gruesome ways is really fun catharsis!

But please don't take this to mean I consider myself - or Gear - blameless. I love her because she's not blameless, because she's cruel for fun, because she'd rather be wicked than helpless. Like knows like. What I mean to say is, as of 2018, there is a black space between little Margret and Gear, and I saw all the signs of something very, very bad happening in that space. I know because I shared that space. what I mean to say is, teenage girls don't go out of their minds over nothing. Everything I made here is just an expression of what I heard in the narrative's silences.

and thus my biggest apprehension around revisiting the comic. knowing the author and I have such fundamentally different experiences with mental health - what if the signs of torture i picked up on weren't intended, or i completely made them up? what if, in the parts i haven't read yet, there's information that uproots my entire interpretation, or berates her for refusing mental health services that hurt me profoundly? how do you reconcile that a character so crucial to deciphering yourself may not be anything like you at all? I Don't Know. Shitpost, probably

You're welcome to share those shitposts and whatnot by the way. Creating this let me put down years of hurt, and i hope it relieves you, too. I don't need to go back on the server, or forgiveness, or anything besides understanding. consider this a peace offering. the terms are yours.

Despite writing nearly 10k words, I still probably missed something or was callous or whatever. Self-expression and self-understanding are… new to me. My apology may be understated, but please take it as I meant it, with utmost sincerity. My askbox is open, and I'm more than happy to discuss antipsych resources, KB, What The Hell Is Wrong With Gear, artistic choices made in this comic, etc. I'm even down to reconnect on discord! Maybe. Uh, I'm conflicted. I reserve my right to not want to talk, be slow in responding, and so on, as should you. we've no obligations and all the time in the world. Let neither of us hurt ourselves in meeting because it's the "right" thing to do. I'm not blaming anyone or trying to start drama. If it would give you the most peace of mind to completely ignore this, please do so.

or, translated: as of right now, I'm not ready for any information about KB after steffi reunites with her dad, or difficult emotional reunions. I would really like to hear from everyone, and I'd appreciate casual well-wishes. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to be peaceful. Baby steps, cassie, baby steps. (very large and fearful prey animal tries not to run into oncoming traffic)

mostly, making this was for me. Perhaps I've said too much, but after spending so long unable to express myself freely, my art was cathartic and necessary. I'm no one's martyr or innocent, I'm just a torture victim trying to make sense of it all. I want to articulate some thoughts I couldn't figure out how to say before and make some silly things that make people laugh. Most of all, I'm happy in ways I never thought I could be, and I would like to share that joy with old acquaintances and other fans of a story I adored.

What I mean to say is: The train's about to leave the station, and there's an empty seat beside me. The train will still leave whether or not you board; but I would be honored not to go it alone!

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me even after the drama. Ethel, Felipe, Chris - even though we've fallen out of contact, your kindness and patience meant more than i can say. special thank you to @stars-in-a-jam-jar, the first person i confessed everything to after the smoke cleared, and someone i consider myself close with no matter how long we fall out of contact. My close online friends, @shafpanda, @theoandmoon, @dvanaestmrva, my honorary cousin @my-name-is-jimmy, and everyone else I confided in about my torture. and, of course, my partners @transloo and @teenyjellyfishy, and my little sibling, @aroacenezhaanddainsleif, the three people I love most in the world. Thank you, all. it is an honor to love you, and be loved by you.

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

also i just wanna give a quick note to ppl bc I’ve seen this happen before when characters commit suicide- please be careful how you phrase posts about them having a happy afterlife/being happier/ect. like that is not necessarily a bad thing to do but you do have to be careful. q!jaiden commited suicide. she chose to die to the nuke due to her own grief and trauma. now obviously stuff just depicting her chilling with the dead eggs and server members is fine, but specifically framing it as her being better off dead due to said grief and trauma or framing it like she could never heal or be better alive can be extremely triggering to people with suicidal ideation. obviously out of universe we know jaiden has said she'd make it more angsty if she was alive, but in-universe the idea that q!jaiden could only be happy through killing herself is just like. potentially very harmful.

[lifeof-pink]

kdj trying to kill himself after seeing the OD is such a visceral and gut wrenching part of the book—

“Something was wrong. A blade… I, I needed to find a blade.” <- this scene (chapter 515) actually broke my heart, i genuinely felt sick reading it. he’s so desperate to die that it’s honestly palpable, it’s like finally seeing that truth behind the snarky mask kim dokja always wears. it took me until this point to realize that every time he tried to sacrifice himself for his companions, it wasn’t just a well thought out plan but a true, genuine suicidality and the acceptance that he might not come back. that he isn’t worthy of living a good, happy life with a happy ending. (which maybe i’m just slow, but i really fell for dokja’s lies, every single time i thought to myself “everything’s going to be fine because he has a plan to survive this,” and almost every single time i was right. except for the end i suppose.)

and fuck, it hits so, so hard.

[alilaro]

god people are so unhinged about james somerton

[sacredwrath]

P1. You

Revenge, whumper turned whumpee, caretaker turned whumper, violence, slightly graphic description of throat cutting, death wish, very vauge suicidal ideation/ attempt?, implied future violence

Rain beats down on the roof of Logan's car, making it difficult to see the road ahead of him. The inconspicuous road to their home isn't lit, but usually, that isn't much of a problem. Even at night, they all know the road well enough to navigate it in the dark. Just use the headlights and drive painfully slow. Tonight though, with rain pouring all around, Logan wishes he had installed something to at least illuminate the cliff edge.

He crawls along, hardly touching the gas irritated at the delay. In the passenger seat a box of takeout grows colder by the second.

He rounds a bend and sees something lying in the road. It looks like a log, or maybe an unlucky deer, but as he gets closer he can clearly see a hand poking from the mess of fabric.

"Fuck" He exhales, slamming the brakes. No one on earth knows about this driveway except him and his team. Why would someone have come so far from the main road? And without any sign of a vehicle? Was it a hit and run? None of his team would've just left a random person laying in the road.

He jumps from the car, rain immediately soaking him through. Thunder rolls above him, and in the brief flash of light, he can see the body clearly.

The person must be freezing. They're not dressed for this weather. A thin, mud caked coat clings to them, heavy with rain.

A flash of misgiving shoots through him. He's seen this before. An injured person laying in the road, a trusting passerby jumping out to help them only to be ambushed. Highway robberies are more common now than they ever were before the collapse.

He freezes in his tracks, scanning the trees around him. Nothing.

He can't just leave the person lying in the road, plus if this was a robbery, why come all the way out here to do it? Surely, they'd have more luck on a busy highway.

Unless it's a trap spesifically for him or someone on his team.

"Hey" He shouts, but his voice is dampened by the rain. If the figure hears him, they don't show it.

Cautiously he takes a few steps closer and nudges the figure with the toe of his boot. Still nothing.

Crouching, he shakes their shoulder.

"Hey, buddy?"

The body rolls onto its back, head flopping over to reveal their face. Logan gasps, leaping to his feet like he's been burned.

It's Morgan. Intelligence specialist Adrian Morgan, the putrid filth of a man who spent six weeks torturing Jesse. What the fuck is he doing here? On their hidden road laying in the mud and rain, half dead at Logan's feet.

He growls, trying to keep from breaking his teeth on his sudden fury.

Why the hell would Morgan come here? How did he even find this place? Is this a trap from AQUA? He doesn't care.

He kicks the man awake. Morgan’s eyelids flutter open. He groans, eyes rolling back repeatedly as he fails to focus on Logan's face.

Logan presses his boot into the man's cheek, grinding his face hard into the mud.

"You" Logan growls, voice cold and low. It sounds somehow unfamiliar to him. His ears are ringing, or maybe it's his whole head.

"Me" Morgan grunts. Logan wants to feel his skull snap beneath his boot. He releases him.

Morgan struggles to rise, but collapses in a peal of thunder. He shudders, head falling back with a small splash, eyes drifting shut. Raindrops pool in his eye sockets, dripping down his face like tears. Logan's lips twist into a sneer.

The man doesn't seem afraid. Logan wants him afraid.

Rage builds hotter in Logan's gut, he feels sick with it. He lunges, grabbing Morgan’s shirt collar and pulling him right up close. The man doesn't fight back.

"Why the fuck are you here? You piece of shit." He spits through gritted teeth. "Come to terrorize my family?... Again." He shakes him, fighting the urge to throw him back to the mud.

Morgan says nothing, and the ringing grows louder in Logan's ears. Vaguely, he realizes he's tearing the mans shirt, nearly strangling him. He clenches his fist harder.

Logan pulls a knife from his belt and presses it hard into the soft skin of Morgan’s neck. His adam's apple bobs, knicking against the blade, but he makes no move to pull away. Red rimmed eyes fixate on Logan's own, boring into him with equal intensity.

"Do it." He snarls. "You know how bad you fucking want it." He jerks his head forward pressing his throat into the blade. "Think how good it'll feel-"

Logan draws the knife slowly across his throat, feeling Morgan's body jerk against him. He fights the rage, fights the urge to dig the blade in deeper, the urge to feel its edge catch against the delicate bones of his neck.

Instead, he opens a shallow gash across the man's windpipe, only narrowly avoiding his carotid artery. Hot blood spills over his hands, pouring down the front of Morgan’s shirt, mixing with the ice cold rain.

"Coward," Morgan hisses, raising a hand to his throat.

Logan releases him and the man collapses back to the ground.

"You don't deserve it." He spits. "As badly as I want to kill you right now, a quick death is too good for a monster like you." He kicks the man again before hauling him up to deliver a punch to the side of his head. Morgan goes limp in his arms, and Logan drags him to the car.

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[halyasgirl]

“And the Dark mage showed you the mirror of the Fallen Star?”

“Yes.”

“And offered to free you in exchange for information?”

“Yes. All lies. I told him nothing.”

“That may be so. But that Dark mage invaded Xadia. Lux Aurea has fallen, its corruption seeping across our land. Now the Fallen Star walks free.” “It would have been better, if you’d taken your own life rather than risk interrogation.”

“I tried.”

(Rayla, Runaan, and Callum return to the Silvergrove to face its justice, and the lives they left behind).

(Or: Runaan, Ethari, Rayllum, and the apology that was promised).