Therapist!Yuu: (Drinking at the bar)
Crewel: (takes a seat next to them)
Therapist!Yuu: Now don't you waltz over here all smooth-like. Fellas will think I'm easy or worse, taken.
Crewel: There's nothing wrong with two coworkers grabbing a drink?
Therapist!Yuu: So what's the word?
Crewel: Head you had a problem with Ms.Rosehearts today.
Therapist!Yuu: That old shrew. If you want me to sing that song you better get me a highball to cope.
Crowley: Hey bartender, can we get one Whiskey highball and a rum and coke over here.
Therapist!Yuu: Well aren't you a doll. Well I'll tell you true, that woman gets under my skin. She has the nerve to challenge my judgment. She slinks around my office like she's gotta snake tail and yells in my face about it. All I did was teach her boy the grey rock method of dealing with her. Now she's can't get a reaction out of him because he ignores her. Without anyone to get energy from narcissistic vampires like her have nothing to feed off of.
Crowley: So you ignored her too?
Therapist!Yuu: No I dragged her by the bejeweled ear and kicked her back to Timbuktu. I know it's not a proper thing to do, specially not for a lady but sometimes well I don't feel like acting like a lady. This whole mess has got me in a right tizy. I must be chewing your ear off though.
Crowley:(absolutely smitten) Oh no, I love hearing you talk.
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F!MC: *who's a teenage mom; sitting and waiting with her toddler*
Professor Trein: You must've been shocked to be in an unfamiliar place.
F!MC: Yes... But I would say that this situation is way better.
Professor Trein: How so?
F!MC: The father of my child passed away recently and we got kicked out of our house.
Professor Trein: Oh... That's-
Professor Trein: ...
Professor Trein: Well, the headmage and the others are still discussing on what to do about this situation.
F!MC: *is obviously worried*
Professor Trein: Anyway, has your child already eaten?
F!MC: Ah, yes! *chuckles* I always make sure he gets to eat three meals a day with enough nourishment.
Professor Trein: What's his name?
F!MC: Riddle.
Professor Trein: ...
Professor Trein: Did you know that we have a student here that has the same name as your son's?
F!MC: Oh? Did you hear that, Riddle?
Toddler Riddle: *nods* But Mama... You not hungry?
F!MC: Mama has already eaten.
Toddler Riddle: Really?? I did not see you eat.
Professor Trein: Oh. What a smart child. And if you haven't eaten yet, we should go to the cafeteria.
F!MC: N-No! I'm fine!
Professor Trein: I insist. *smiles kindly at her*
Lilia: Is that the lady with a child from the Orientation earlier?
Silver: Yes.
Sebek: Isn't she too young to be a mother?
F!MC: *curiously looking at the ghost who's serving food*
Toddler Riddle: *trying to high five with the other ghost*
Professor Crewel: Professor Trein, there you are.
Professor Trein: Have you reached a decision?
Professor Crewel: It depends. *turns his attention at MC*
Professor Crewel: Lady, how old are you?
F!MC: I'm... 17.
Professor Crewel: Excuse me?
F!MC: *gives him a troubled smile*
Professor Crewel: ...
Professor Crewel: I shouldn't have asked.
F!MC: It's alright. Haha...
Professor Trein: So....?
Professor Crewel: She will be staying here.
Toddler Riddle: Yay, Mama. We're going to have a house.
Professor Crewel: ...
Professor Crewel: Is he happy or sarcastic?
F!MC: This is his happy tone.
Professor Crewel: ...
Lilia: Awwwwwwwww! I want to adopt both of them!
Silver: Father, that would be rude.
Sebek: If Lilia-sama wants to, I can ask her!
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Househusband Au HC'S
Summary:Crewel/Crowley/Vil/Rook/Malleus/Idia x gn!reader
Requested by @stygianoir
A/N: my tag list is still packed so hopefully you guys find this 😂
CW:sus gardener Rook, discussions of Idia's depression and fear of death, but I think that's it
Part Two. Part Three
Most well dressed parent at the PTA meeting. Puts everyone to shame, and makes all the other parents and teachers jealous.
Cooks five star meals exclusively , and makes sure you get your proper intake of nutrients. He can't have his favorite pup lacking in proper nutrition!
One hundred percent coordinates your outfits for you everyday. You're the best dressed worker, all because your husband hand sews you outfits designed to blow the competition out of the water.
Pretends he's not snuggly, until nighttime, then he gets pouty. He'll be aggressively folding laundry, and not speaking to you until you come to bed and let him hold you.
You own twelve dogs. Each dog has an individual diet it is on, that is hand made by him everyday. He knows exactly what every dog needs, and makes sure to memorize what each dog needs.
If you want kids, you will adopt/birth at least three. He likes a full house. Majored in alchemy before he settled down as your househusband, and is more than happy to tutor not just your kids, but also their friends, in alchemy.
Sings like Roger from 101 dalmatians because I said so. Also he plays the piano like him. Because I said so. I'm weak okay!
They say he had an illustrious career as a model, then he met you. That's only half true though. He was planning on retiring anyway, and just happened to meet you around that time. He likes to let the tabloids believe it was all your fault. It makes him laugh. Vil Schoenheit bows to no one! Now drink your smoothie!
Healthy meals constantly. He somehow managed to make them all taste good though. It's a little suspicious honestly…what does he put in that smoothie? You never liked smoothies for breakfast before…
He likes to do your nightly routine for you. It's his love language. At 7 pm sharp, he clears his throat, and gestures for you to sit down. Then he brushes out your hair, does your skin care routine, dresses you in pajamas, and tucks you in, making sure to give you a kiss on the forehead before he joins you.
If you aren't home in time for your nightly routine, he goes to bed early, turned away from your side of the bed. He will not speak to you, even though you know full well he is awake. He knows deep down it's not your fault, but he has simmering rage and no one else to take it out on.
That said, when you do fight (which you do a lot) he'll storm out before he can be particularly nasty. But you'll wake up to a single rose on the pillow next to you, and a new pair of shoes to wear to work.
You have one fluffy white cat, or one child. It's one or the other in Vil's pristine house. This isn't a barn, for seven's sake.
Cooks, cleans, gardens…. he's made for this life. You don't even know where he gets the time for it.
Rook prides himself on having the best garden in the neighborhood. Your neighbors asked him what fertilizer he used, and he wrapped an arm around you and giggled about how it was "the most organic around". Considering the last time you had to do laundry there were red stains on his clothes, you choose not to ask questions.
If you have kids, there are three of them, each two years apart. He makes the perfect paper bag lunches for them everyday, with little french notes in them (raising bilingual kids in this family). As he drops them off at school he kisses each one on the top of the head, and jovially waves them off.
You have two dogs that he takes hunting with him on his solo weekends (they aren't often, because he can barely stand to part from you!) But you also have a rabbit. He gave it your name, and likes to tease you by saying how he "caught his lapin" and never saying whether he's referring to you or the rabbit.
Another one who makes sure you look your best at work. But his favorite thing is when you forget your lunch, and he "has" to bring it to work for you. This is when he is at his most dressed up, and your outfits compliment eachother the most. He loves the gazes of envy that come his way as he kisses you and hands you your lunch.
When he's not doing chores at break neck speed, he wants you to either be in his arms, or him in yours. He doesn't care which! Please, his poor heart needs you!
Trust fund baby. Born rich, then married you. Tried to convince you not to work, but you wanted to, for whatever reason, so he "allows" it. (Who is he kidding? He could never deny you anything, what a simp) he sulks all day though, moping like a lovesick teen until you come home. Heaven forbid you forget something and have to come back in before you actually left, because he has your boss on speed dial, and will call you in sick. Oh, you just left your wallet? Too late, he assumed you had fallen ill and had chosen to stay home with him!
He's a little clueless on cooking and household chores (Lilia is no help) but he tries! Boy does he try! And it's not half bad. Not stellar, but not bad. You've only gotten food poisoning once, and he's only ever burnt a hole in two of your shirts with an iron.
Loves to serenade you with his violin on special occasions. You know the evening is going to be wonderful when he pulls it out. Oftentimes, it's a song he wrote for you, and sometimes he even sings along. His deep timbre will often have you so relaxed that you start to drift off. He's fine with that! More time to cuddle!
Speaking of, he starts the night out by laying on his side of the bed, and by the end of the night he is wrapped around you like a koala. He also gets very hot at night. You often don't need a blanket. You asked him about it once, and he said something about "draconic internal temperature regulation", whatever the fuck that means.
You had to put him on a budget because he buys you every shiny thing he sees. He always goes over budget, and always insists it's the last time and it will never happen again. This, friends, is what we call a lie.
He's only a househusband in name, really. He still has an income/job in the form of streaming and YouTube videos. But he stays at home, and likes it when you call him your househusband. He gets all blushy and smiley. He likes the idea of being the one you look forward to coming home to.
Ortho lives with you both, obviously. And he does all the cooking and cleaning. But he and Idia have an unspoken agreement that if you ask, he helped too.
Calls you at work at least once a day. It's always during your lunch break though, so that you can "eat lunch together" You know his mental health difficulties are acting up if he calls you more than once though.You don't have to come home, he'll be alright, he just needs to hear your voice.
His stream only knows you as player 2. When you get back from work, he'll say "Oh player 2 just got home!" And get so excited. He'll run off stream to give you a kiss, and won't come back until you remind him he's streaming. His followers have been there through the whole progression of your relationship, and despite not knowing what you look like, and only hearing your voice off screen every once in a while, they adore Gloomy Samurai and Player 2.
You always have two cats at a time, usually the ones at the shelter or humane society that are bonded or siblings. He doesn't want to separate a family, and also gets nervous about the inevitability of death. So you always have two cats. That way if something happens you always have one.
Yes. You get him to start telehealth therapy, and medication. Why do you ask?
He tries, bless his heart. His cooking is not bad, but his cleaning skills are subpar. To be honest, he's not cut out for the househusband life, but you've heard horror stories about how he handled his previous jobs. So for the sake of the world, you do your best to ensure he stays here.
"He's so generous" 🙄 Any time he goes a little bit above what you expected from him, he drops that line. A particularly good dessert? How generous. He actually folded laundry today? So magnanimous. But it hurts his pride if you don't agree, and you married him for some reason, right?
He has an allowance, and usually spends all of it. Sometimes it's gifts for you, but a lot of times it's for him. Which, it's his allowance, so that's fine. But he buys the weirdest stuff and doesn't use it. It just sits around your home.
If you have to work on something on the home computer, good luck to you. Home is for loving him, not working! He'll slip into your lap, give you a sexy pout, and start caressing your cheek, and tracing shapes into your neck. Then he'll start talking about how you're neglecting him, just put the work away and come cuddle with him.
Where he shines though, is if you guys end up with kids. He's a surprisingly good father, making sure they all are clean, safe, and well fed. He helps with homework, and is surprisingly good at it, he's good at seeing what their needs are, he knows immediately when one of the kids is sick, and is at the doctor right away… you don't know where these skills came from. But the second the kids are in bed, he's back to being your needy husband.
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