#unfortunately i have media autism so a lot of my understandings of myself and how i relate to the world have come to me through good stori

[5-htagonist]

the boondocks is so good. i dont know what black american archetypal character is missing from that show other than ahhh favorable portrayals of black queerness but 2005 (presumably) cishet man creation so you know how that goes.

[tmbatcat]

YEAH!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR SKILLS!!! :D!!!!!

HEELL YYEE!!! Let me just spill my guts out !!

This may be a little long :]

(You may know this but is good to recap)

Ok, small story time! Basically I drew them becourse I read spilledkaleidoscopes works and in the second part Kim gets his own skills and there are only 8 and I was like "Fuck, If I were to make my own skill I am not forced to the albatrairie number 24 and also not forced to include all of physique and motorics gangs and i could just mix and match and nobody would care." so that's basically what I did

i took me 20 hours to figure their designs out (I am not kidding btw, i looked through the ibispaint recording) and 10 more to render them out to a point that i would say it's acceptable (i would have stayed longer if i wasn't physically and mentally tired of this little project and i also told myself that they will never be perfect and that OK)

more drawings for your pleasure (some not posted yet)

Ok now let's actually talk about the 8 dummies: (i will compare them to Harry's skills and other stuff for better understanding)(also I will includes an edgy description) [anything in square brackets are just my notes over the skill]

DOUBT - LOGIC + anxiety + masking - Logic tainted by how many times you got burned. You now know what to hide; all your cracks and imperfections. Your mask won't peel from your face, you forgot to take it off at some point and now you don't ever remember what you look like. Good luck with that, people would hate you more without it and you know it; I bore that though your head everyday.

[The little Jean in all of us. A strung up anxious mess that can't understand that people actually like you and that perfection is impossible. A lil hater.]

MECHANICAL HEART - EMPATHY + video game/movie logic - Understansing through empathy and pattern recognition. Don't understand someone? That's OK, use your vast knowledge of media to put them into little boxes and label them. People are more complicated than that but I am just a tool. I tune in on everyone and everythings frequency and if you don't understand something you look through the file drawer of your mind.

[My internet riddled brain can only understand tropes. I have so much brainrot that it can not be contained, it spreds to everything]

SENSOR - ENDURANCE + PERCEPTION + INTERFACING + autism - Caretaker of the temple. For other people it's automatic. Sadly, yours isn't. You forget to eat if nobody reminds you. So that's why I'm here. Your nerves are also more sensitive than most. It doesn't help that the world has so many textures and hard edges. I relay all the info as soon as I get it, though it's late most of the time.

KNOW-HOW - ADHD info dump (basically ENCYCLOPEDIE) - Keeper of the librarys. You know, your mind is like a library, but without any of the labeling a normal library would use. More of a big collection of storys and fun-facts you know. When you don't ask them for a piece of information in particular, they chime in with something that is vaguely connected to the conversation.

WILLPOWER - VOLITION + a crumb of SHIVERS - Makeing peace with it all. I am silent most of the time but not, because I don't care. I talk only to remind you of the world's humanity. When you are at ypur lowest. You need to go on. You can take a break, maybe cry a little, but never actually give up. The world doesn't end with you, and it's worse without you in it.

[they don't talk a lot cuz I am a depressed lil bitch]

DAY DREAM - INLAND EMPIRE + VISUALIZATION + CONCEPTUALIZATION - Close your eyes and see other worlds. Colors, characters, ideas, scenarios; all swirling in that little head of yours. They just make the puppets move for your own amusement. They unfortunately play with your puppet too, making you watch scenarios wherein you die a lot, but what can you do? You can't stop it. It has it upsides through, mainly escapism.

CHASE - ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY + ADHD hyperactivity + autistic hyperfixation - Longing for paradise and ambrosia. Comfort over anything else. They love to indulge and party. Not actually party. You know, more like watching youtube alone or with friends while eating chips at 2 AM. That is your type of party. Your batteries run low most of time, so a good game and a snack also work.

[ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY but a bit chiller, no drug related stuff, if sugar doesn't count. They just love good brain juice]

FLARE - HALF LIGHT + PAIN THRESHOLD - The fire that burns within us all. A caged animal that hisses at anything that comes near. In general it sits in corner, waiting, only popping it's head out to shriek profanities at whatever rattled the cage. All bark, no bite. A problem that you have is that you forget how people wronged you, but I'm here, I remember. Only emotions, but that is enough. You shouldn't give out so many second chances.

[stressed out little creature]

They also hate each other so fucking much AAAAAA I have a headache

I also wrote a small story with all of them in another post... I want to write some more small storys of mine if i could think of anything funny that happend and that would work in the Disco Elysium dialog style

you can also make your own skills if you want, i may be annoying but I believe in you <3 don't know what else I could add

[confessions-official]

idk what 2 warn this as. abuse?? grooming?? toxic relationship probably, sry. also the r, n, and f slur

when i was 13 i entered a long-distance "relationship" with (at the time) an australian 15 yearold and it was sososo great from what i can remember. my memory is shit so i cant remember very much from then but i remember it being very nice. we had a conversation about her feminity (at the time she didnt know she was trans) and i said some shit (HEAVILY paraphrasing) reminding her that she could just Be a girl if she wanted and then she Did. and then i had a girlfriend it was a very nice year. anyway.

few months after that it was fine but then everything kept dissolving into arguments. and idk if i'm just kinda fucked up and neurotic (i tend to react badly 2 rejection of any kind and that wasnt her fault whatsoever) but i think most of the arguments were about me being upset that we werent playing a game together or me feeling left out. we both had a mutual friend and we did so much shit together.

and then it just kept getting worse! the arguments escalated (or they were getting more direct i dont think it was ever about the games) and instead of games the arguments were about how she was treating me. i repeatedly accused her of ignoring the uglier parts of me in favor of my "caring nature". idk how to describe it. i strongly felt, and still kind of feel that she just wanted me to be her mommy who would shower her in endless affection, because whenever i would get into a gloomier mood (because of her or not, mostly not) she would take offense to it.

i also have. anger issues? idk i'm very reactive sometimes and it also forced a lot of arguments out over useless shit

i also sent her a package at some point with a hoodie and some fucking thigh socks she encouraged me to buy when i was eleven or ten. unfortunately it took like 4 months to show up and it felt like every single moment of our time together was her asking about the package. When was it coming has the status changed yet is it in australia yet? it pissed me off so much because it felt like she was just!! using me for clothes!! but i also understand because her family is a crock of shit who wouldn't accept or support her wearing or buying more feminine clothing, and this was one of the only ways she could feel girly.

it eventually bubbled over to the point where i blocked her on all social media platforms and we began arguing heatedly over email. and she sent me this wonderful string of emails where she was kissing/asking to kiss me (something that i fucking HATE – i do not want to be flirted with or called petnames while we argued, i nake this very clear), telling me that we both loved each other, and sent methis fantastic fucking email about how she was excited to see me hang myself on facebook whilst also calling me an unlovable neurodivergent retard.

i have it saved on my phone and it honestly makes me laugh now because of how fucking weirdly its worded. like a bad 4chan copypasta. but anyway lol

that hit especially awful at the time bc i was researching autism because i was 99% sure something wasnt clicking in my brain AND i was having ongoing issues with my mom. i had a massive breakdown in which i stopped speaking to her for 6 months which were the most miserable points of my life. i had to switch emails bc she just kept spamming me while i was having a meltdown!

i think i just got overbearingly lonely at that point bc sometime in 2023 iirc i reached out to her again and we got back together! somehow.

the arguments got even worse and we were on-and-off for a Long time. i was regularly blocking her and arguing with her every other day-ish and jesus fucking christ it was awful! Bad!!!

then our mutual friend turned out to be transphobic and she continued being friends with him ?! and this still really confuses me bc.. i remember being in a voice call with him and he was repeatedly using the incorrect pronouns and did not respond seriously when i corrected him. and i brought it up with her multiple times and she was like Naw dont worry about it??? idk man maybe theres something i was missing???

there was also this time that i told her about how i got groomed twice when i was younger because i trusted her to not tell anyone about it. and then she turned around and Told Our Mutual Friend about it. >_>

AND THE WHOLE GENDER SHIT i'm someone who uses every/all pronouns interchangably and is somewhat genderfluid. i came out to her multiple times because she. kept forgetting i wasnt cis!

at the time i was just using "all pronouns" but my gf kept using feminine terms for me and she/her prns for me and i kept asking her to stop doing that. but she did not. so it turned into an argument where i was telling her that i didnt want her to cherrypick the parts of my identity she liked the most and that i wasnt even a woman. it took her multiple months afterwards to even Begin using masculine terms for me >_> altho it is mainly my fault because i didnt really specify what i meant by "all pronouns" (but she also never asked !?)

recently, about 3~ weeks ago, like a week before my bday, we broke up again. this time it was way messier because i'm not moving my email again. its also permanent i would rather someone put me down than make me go back to talking to her

i finally realized that a newly 15 year old Shouldn't be dating someone who was going to turn 18 in the same fucking year! i blocked her on everything, bur she still had my email so we were arguing over Email again. she went on a racist tangent, repeatedly calling me a stupid white girl and refering to me with the n-slur in the same sentence (i am of mixed race). she also told me it was fine because she was also mixed race and "i'm calling you my homie" which is. yeah! i think she also said something abt me being a fag or whatever but maybe not. i deleted most of her emails as they came in so i dont remember >_>

i also said some awful transphobic shit to her about her pretending to be a girl so she could get closer to me which i. cannot say how much i regret saying that awful crap! it's definitely not reflective of my opinions and my morals, i was trying to get under her skin at the time and more some fucking reason that seemed like the best thing to dig my nails into. it was fucked up with me and if things werent like how they are i would apologize for it immediately.

i havent talked to her since the racist shit nor do i really want to but shes began spamming me with different accounts on another social media platform we're both on. and idk what im going to end up doing about it other than blocking.

these last like 3 years have been Dog Shit i tell ya! sorry 4 the long ask also DEAR GOD ??

 

[rfaromance]

tbh I'm a bit reticent to give neurodivergent diagnoses to characters unless it's like, very clearly the intention (which we're seeing more of over time in western cartoons and such) so at first I was thinking autism might be too much of a leap since Jumin and Saeyoung's difficulty expressing and responding to emotion can be related to their upbringings and personal trauma. like, I would always shy away from the chat options that tried to brush off his behavior as just "maybe he has ADHD" cause I figured that was minimizing his inner turmoil. but the more you've gone over it, I think you may have won me over. especially with the whole "neurodivergents understanding him easier." because like, I'm autistic and I relate to Saeyoung so much it's scary, and it seemed so obvious to me which options were the right ones in his route. like, you just got to be gentle with the precious meow meow ;-; so it's wild to imagine neurodivergents actually being able to read subtext better than neurotypicals in this context but it actually kind of makes sense.

Hey, that's totally valid! I can see why it may cause complicated feelings.

Unfortunately, in a lot of media (especially in countries where mental illness and LGBTQ+ are stigmatized) we don't get explicit answers or announcements. We get hints, and it's sort of a "if you know, you know" situation.

Many people (myself included) find comfort in relating to characters who act similarly to us, and often the next step is "oh, xyz is probably autistic/ADHD/depressed/bipolar/etc. just like me." It's a way to explain the connection but also a lens to view their character through your own personal experiences!

And nuance is okay. For instance, I see people who headcanon Jaehee as bisexual whereas I personally see her as a lesbian. Or I struggle to see the autism in Ai Miyashita (Love Live! Nijigasaki High School Idol Club) as easily as I see the ADHD.

Overall, the important thing is to remember that headcanons are headcanons, NOT canon, no matter how popular they become! And don't force your headcanons onto others, or make headcanons that directly contradict canon! (e.g., claiming Saeyoung is straight when he's canonically attracted to multiple genders; anything involving either of the twins touching alcohol because of how traumatized they are from their mother)

I'm not Cheritz, but I'm glad people seem to think my dissections of their characters (particularly Saeyoung and Rika) make sense. ^^

[sailorasyuri]

WHY IS AUTISM A FILTHY WORD IN MEDIA?

Growing up I didn’t see autistic people like me within the media I consumed. As a child the only time I felt like I could relate to characters in tv, and movies was when they were either the social outcasts, the ones with the high social compass or the ones who had some sort of double identity. Seeing these kinds of characters in the media I consumed as a child would make me feel as though other people could see me but as I got a bit older, I started to realise something.

Once my parents started to expose me to the popular adult shows of the mid 2000s early 2010s, I would notice that some of these characters would have other traits that I could either see in myself or other autistic people around me. Things like seeing characters who were overly blunt in their social interactions, taking things too literally or finding it hard to make friends. That’s when I would realise, they are autistic just like me, but it was never actually mentioned that they were autistic despite how obvious it was. Now having access to the internet, I know that I wasn’t the only one who could see this and that there’s a term for this. Autistic-coded characters is when you see a character that it is so obvious that they are autistic they must be autistic. Whilst I think it’s cool that we have a word for this I can’t help but feel a little annoyed that we have to have a word for something like this.

Within the past there has been a big move to embrace who you are but that seems to stop when it comes to Autistic people. Maybe it’s because we are not built for a neuro-typical world but even so why aren’t we seeing outwardly Autistic characters in and across mainstream media?

One of the first Autistic coded characters I remember seeing is Doctor Temperance Brenan from the American crime tv show “Bones.” During its run there was a lot of speculation both within the Autism community and outside the Autism Community if Bones was supposed to be Autistic or not.

Despite the show going on for 12 seasons this was never properly addressed within the show. It was later revealed that the reason why her being Autistic was not mentioned was due to the fact the creators of the show believed no one would be interested in that. You read that correctly, the reason why we never got to see Dr Temperance Brenan identify as autistic is because the creators of the show believed that no one would want to see an accomplished, hardworking, intelligent woman who fights crime by using science that she also happens to be autistic. I should probably add that this school of thought was going through the writer’s head whilst, towards the end of the series, they portrayed one of the characters as a paraplegic because of an accident. Whilst “Bones,” finished up in 2017 and is quite well-loved within autistic community due to how well autism was shown it also comes with its issues. Many non-Autistics, who followed Dr Temperance would take the autistic traits we would see in her, idolise the traits and at times they would find it “Quirky,” or “Cute.” Unfortunately, this is still a thing that happens with Autistic coded characters.

With the recent Netflix adaption of “Wednesday,” we saw Wednesday Addams from the Addams family adapted for a 2022 audience. Wednesday for as long as I can remember has been somewhat of a kindred spirt for autistic people. This is thanks to her bluntness and difficulties around understanding social situations. These same traits were seen in the 2022 adaptation which resulted in an influx of people idolising Wednesday for her autistic traits. A lot of autistics including myself were happy to see this show as we felt like how Wednesday was portrayed in the Netflix series was relatable to autistics however, like with “Bones,” many Autistics were seeing non-Autistic people celebrating the traits that they see on Wednesday as “Quirky,” or “Cute.” But when Autistics were to bring up that we could see ourselves in this character there would be massive backlash.

Having characters that are Cleary autistic within the media but is never actually mentioned is affecting autistics and we need to stop this within the media.

Having tv shows and movies that are set-in modern-day settings that show autistic coded characters who are never directly identified as autistic is showing us that we are only to be

partly seen within the media and that neurotypical people only want us during our “cute” or “Quirky” times. Our stories are just as valid as non-autistic people’s stories, we deserve to have our stories correctly shown with mainstream media, this includes having identified autistic characters. Whilst we are starting to see some improvement in seeing autistic stories being told in media such as seen in the Australian teen drama “Heartbreak high.” We need to see more identified autistic characters in media, that show us in a diverse number of ways just like we are in real life. Whilst there is a time and place to use autistic coded characters in parts of the media like in period pieces or following a character who is undiagnosed and then gets diagnosed. Autistics deserve to see character’s that are not just like us but are acknowledged as being just like us especially when we are in an era of embracing who we are. It’s time the media stopped treating autism like as a taboo word and started embracing us.

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: The Minuscule Mansion of Myra Malone by Audrey Burges

It was the title and this very intriguing cover that drew me to this magical sounding novel. I didn’t really know what to expect from it but I have since seen it on a few of my favourite BookTube channels and was excited to see what it was all about.

Myra is a 34-year-old recluse, who is mysteriously tied to a tiny mansion that was gifted to her by her beloved step-grandmother. With the help of her childhood friend Gwen, Myra writes a blog about the mansion and its constant changes and she has built a loyal following of fans. But the mansion has always been a mystery to Myra -rooms keep appearing and disappearing and sometimes there is music that she can’t find the source of. Across the country, Alex Rakes works for a furniture business. He comes across Myra’s minuscule mansion on social media and is shocked to discover that it’s an exact copy of the house that he grew up in. The house that belonged to his grandmother who disappeared years ago. 

Myra is very possessive over the mansion to the point where she curates what she shows of it. It clearly has so much magic and history and it is full of secrets. Although it isn’t exactly a bad relationship, Myra doesn’t have the same closeness with her mother that she had with her step-grandmother Trixie. It’s almost like the mansion is the last link that Myra has to Trixie, who died when Myra was still a young child, and she wants to keep that as private as possible.

Trixie is an intriguing character. She somehow seemed to be quite free of the boundaries of time -I’m not sure whether she was supposed to be some kind of time traveller or simply an old soul but she could have easily been either of these. She has a warm, magical, witchy way about her and I can certainly see how a very young Myra became enamoured with her.

Myra appears to be quite scared of strangers and the outside world. We aren’t really told the reasons for her apparent agoraphobia and severe social anxiety but of course, it may simply be a case of an introvert who is quite content with her intense special interest and the occasional virtual social interaction. There is some evidence that Myra may be autistic but this isn’t explicitly mentioned.

The fact that Myra ‘thinks that everything is too much’, according to Gwen is further evidence that Myra falls somewhere on the autism spectrum. As someone who almost certainly does, there is a lot about Myra that is highly relatable. I can’t imagine being a complete shut-in like she is but I certainly understand the need to be alone for long periods of time and the importance of immersing myself in something I care about. I’m sure I’d get really annoyed by a friend like Gwen despite being able to see her good intentions!

There is another story running alongside that of Myra and Alex and it’s one from the past. It is connected to both of the present day protagonists but we don’t make the connections until the end. It’s the story of a mother and son relationship and its breakdown but I did lose focus and track of what was going on in this strand of the book. I don’t know whether it was too many events or too many characters but I feel like it might need a re-read to fully grasp the ins and outs of this story.

I have heard people compare this book to The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue and I think this is because of the friendship between Myra and Alex. The anguish and pain of it does echo that of Addie and Henry but this really is the only resemblance that I picked up on. Unfortunately, I was much more invested in the story and characters in Addie LaRue than I was in Myra Malone.

The Minuscule Mansion of Myra Malone is a touching, multi-layered story about the magic of preserving the past and learning to let love in. Myra is a memorable character and I enjoyed the concept of the tiny mansion. However, my interest waned around halfway through and I don’t think I really understood the true nature of what was behind the magic. Perhaps it is supposed to be open to interpretation but I think I wanted more explicit answers.

[mollydollyjournals]

I wrote an intro in October 2020 when I made this page but I'm gonna try to write a more concise one. The old one is here and is specifically about my ED history. But other than that, this is my vent blog, and:

I guess you can call me Molly or Dolly or something like that. I guess pronouns are she/they but you can use whatever pronouns you see me as, it's cool

I'm 30 years old. I'm not very good at it. I'm kinda childlike and basically get babysat when I hang out with people my own age or even younger, but I also learned to build a computer in 1996 and witnessed the golden age of emo (but I was goth/grunge at the time and I hated emo. Sorry MCR)

Unfortunately I'm English

Im biracial/mixed race, 2nd gen immigrant. In the US you'd call me light skin black. You might see me refer to myself as black or mixed race depending on context

I'm autistic and have ADHD. One of those "mild autism" cases which really just means you wont think I'm autistic but you will think I'm weird, meanwhile I'm getting major stress symptoms from trying to function in a way that's not necessarily natural to me. Like living in a country where I understand the language conversationally but I'm not a fluent native. I also forget everything. It's really a talent

I have BPD and extremely bad depression. I've been on Prozac a long time. I struggle with anxiety a lot. I'm very awkward and shy, even among awkward and shy people. If you message me and I dont message back, I probably felt like I'd be bothering you. Even if you think it's obvious it's okay or I'm normal or whatever. I'm very insecure and I try to avoid putting that on people by essentially backing off entirely. That's what this blog is about.

I run on Mars time. I have like a 25hr body clock or something so I will just be awake later and later until I'm nocturnal and then later again until I'm back on daytime. I'm in GMT but at some point in a 4-6wk period I'll match with everyone

Former gifted kid. Got a lot of trauma related to school and formal education. Y'all know what's up

I have an alcohol problem. I always have one vice or another. Going cold turkey never works for me with anything (I also used to SH daily and smoke and I quit both of those so I am familiar with how my mind works to some extent) so I often give myself goals for staying sober a set amount of time so I'm at least not going back to drinking every day. I've been seriously ill due to drinking at least twice

I have other physical health issues like hypothyroidism that put me in that spiral of 'need to do many things to deal with this' but also 'can't even do as much as most people'

Bisexual but inexperienced, gender is what, idk I forgot what else to say

I hate conservatives. Fuck the Tories. Black lives matter. Trans rights are human rights. Sex work is work. Homeless people are people. Gender roles are bullshit. We all grew up with certain ideas but we can all try to learn and do better and these people just aren't trying. So punch a nazi.

Im not monogamous. Hb = (mostly estranged) husband, bf = (sparsely interacted with) boyfriend. They know about each other and all is consensual. Im a shit liar anyway I could never two time. It was all good once, and then the pandemic and other stresses happened.

I'm pretty sure there is approximately one person who fits the above criteria so if you know me irl then...you probably dont wanna be here since this is where I vent about the stuff everyone ignores on my regular social media.

And gdi if it ain't the most ADHD thing ever to say I'm gonna write a shorter intro and then it ends up still being a rambly piece of shit

(Also my posts are usually queued)

[tibby]

do you have advice on how to make friends when you’re autistic? I’m also agoraphobic so I guess that makes it worse but I feel very lonely and don’t know what to do

hi lovely! i'm so sorry to hear about all of this, i can't imagine how tough things must be for you - my autism has caused me enough friendship struggles in my life, and being agoraphobic on top of that must result in a bunch of extra stressors you don't need. i've done my best to compile my messy thoughts into some(?) kind of advice, but this is just personal experience and nothing official. don't let me be the final world on this stuff:

talk about what you love, and seek out people based on that love as a starting point. most of my close friends are people i formed relationships with because they liked my special interest at a certain point in time, even if they weren't into it the same way i was. people like to talk about the things they're into, and if they're the kind of people who are worth befriending, then they won't be an ass about it if you ever come across as too intense or emotional or whatever. anyone who doesn't treat you with that respect isn't worth your time. and even when interests come and go, if you've formed a solid connection outside of it over time, that won't matter anymore.

unfortunately, on that note, there is some...trial and error that comes with the process. not everyone is going to be kind or understanding or welcoming. and it sucks, because it really can hurt you and discourage you, but you have to keep putting yourself out there until you find people who will be kind and understanding and welcoming. i do wish i could say more than just "keep trying," but honestly, that is just what i've done. and the shitty people i have encountered along the way mean very little to me, because the wonderful people are the ones i've kept around.

i bemoan social media a lot, but i really do think it's helped connect people with similar interests find each other, or helped those who have difficulty forming relationships irl. again, it's a process of trial and error, but i promise you there's plenty of people out there who have good intentions and like the same stuff you do. go into tumblr tags, join forums (do they still exist???), reach out to people you wanna befriend. ik how intimidating it all can be generally when it seems like everyone has established friend groups, and being autistic makes witnessing all of that a lot harder, but i assure you there's people out there who want that companionship just as much.

also, i will say (and understandably this may be difficult with you due to your agoraphobia, but thankfully the internet once again provides an outlet) that...not being ashamed of who you are or what your special interests are go a long way. people have always found me weird and off-putting because of my autism and how it manifests itself, and i had to learn not to be ashamed of it to really open myself up to others. it's very difficult but very rewarding.

and i suppose my final piece of advice is to focus on people you feel comfortable having the hard conversations with. like...the best friendships i have are the ones where i've been able to openly say "hey, my autism means that i do this sometimes, or that stresses me out, or i get really intense about xyz." it establishes that trust and also helps everyone involved figure out what works best for everyone. good, longlasting friendships require work and understanding, and people can't give you that if they don't know what you need!

i hope some of this helps you in some way, and my inbox is always open if you're feeling lonely or just want to rant about something or whatever. ik i'm not online as much as i used to be, but i do try and respond to as many asks as possible when i am here! sending you lots of love and wishing you all the best <3

[thecuriouskit]

Where and how do I fit in?

To whom it may concern.

As I get older, I’m starting to realise the limitations caused by my autism, and I’m struggling to accept that because of facing a society that does not like it when adults are not self-sufficient, or when they have to deal with a “man-child”.  Economically, I am a net loss - I take more than I give financially, and that makes me selfish, both in the eyes of the person on the street as well as bankers and politicians.  I struggle to keep my flat clean and make ends meet financially.  “Get a job”, “earn a f***ing living” I hear a lot, and I have tried, but my ‘design’ is just terrible because I’m very introverted (and people try to force me into very social situations to be a 'healthy introvert’… in other words, an extravert) and don’t do well in open-plan office environments, which are really the only options today because it allows managers to keep an eye on everyone and, from a practical perspective, is easier when it comes to laying network cables and power conduits, for example.  But I get very anxious whenever people are walking around behind me and there’s so much uncontained noise.

Truthfully, I’ve found in the UK, and maybe other countries, that many people really don’t like those who are more intelligent than them.  They may say the opposite, but behind their backs (or sometimes in plain sight), they mock specialist interests.  Once I was even threatened with outright violence by a so-called friend if I talked about mathematics in front of her, and my own mother agrees that i keep my mouth shut to preserve the status quo and not make people 'uncomfortable’.  My father says those on the spectrum are the future, but are we really?  To reach our full potential we need the right environment and support group, but who would want to be our caretakers?  It’s not fair on them, and I would not want someone to sacrifice their life to look after me like they were a housewife, valet or a servant.

I’m ashamed to say that I generally don’t get on with others on the spectrum because we all have our different interests and quirks, but also our feelings and how we react to things, and what may be fine or beneficial for one person is sensual overload for another.  I unfortunately have also experienced situations where the other party doesn’t realise and doesn’t understand that they might have hurt my feelings with something they’ve said or done, and either 'congratulate’ me for identifying past trauma as the reason (which I find incredibly patronising as well as the implication that it invalidates my feelings) or criticise me because, in their eyes, there’s no logical reason for me to feel that way.  One person even, in a monotone voice, said “You’re having a panic attack; do you want a beta blocker?” (which was actually illegally obtained).  I of course sceamed “no”, which only worsened the situation because now they felt attacked.

As painful as it is, what I once saw as a curse, then saw as a gift, I now see as a curse again.  I cannot survive by myself in this modern world, but I’m not friendship nor relationship material because, put simply, I make people uncomfortable and I’m not healthy for them (those were the words one person used).  Facebook and other social media tell people to cut out the negativity in their lives, and I fall into that definition.  My interests, my quirks… they are abnormal.  The whole thing of “be yourself” and “don’t worry about what others think” is a complete farce, because you do that, and you get sectioned, fired, ostracised or just plain ridiculed.

Part of me needs a regimented structure and a person who can be an emotional anchor for me, but even today, emotion is seen as weakness and attention-seeking, but I don’t need so much structure to the point that my very feelings are dictated and I can’t practise being creative (one person I know cannot build Lego without instructions… even when it comes to making their own things, they have to draw plans first and cannot do anything on the fly, which can cause a conflict if I want to experiment, for example).

In a way, I need to be treated like a child, or at least allowed to be a child, but I say that and that will just encourage condescending attitudes towards me and infantilisation like the in-your-face sing-song “hello” or a high-pitched voice that people do with babies all too frequently.

I don’t konw where I’m going with this.  I’m just ranting and splurging, spilling out everything that’s on my mind.  On Monday I was actually close to suicide because I was asked to drive to my father, who lives about 45 minutes away, and even though I gave myself 70 minutes, I was very late anyway (which meant I couldn’t see a representitive at an insurance company since I’m being ripped off by my current provider) bnecause of three separate traffic jams, one of which was caused by a horserace that crosses a main road (which is closed during that time).  I just feel I’m unreliable and poor at planning and organiseation because whenever someone asks me to do something, I either forget something (if not the appointment itself) or fate works against me.  My father has taken the view of “it is what it is”, but I cannot abide by that because while accepting there are some things in life you can’t control or predict, just accepting things as they are is what allows corruption to run rampant, whether it’s a manager or director denying the employees promised bonuses during a good company year while buying themselves a new Porsche with the profits, to insurance companies happily charging you three times what you should be paying because they know most people won’t shop around for other quotes or want to go through the hassle of changing (and I easily freak out on the telephone because it’s just a dismembered voice to me) to simply lying and manipulating people for their own benefit.  It’s worse with me because I can’t see deceit unless it’s a claim that’s easily disproven.  I briefly wanted to end it all because I am a net loss to the economy, I’m friendless and I can’t be relied on.  If I die, I’ll be forgotten in a few years as the world goes on like I never existed.  It begs the question… what’s the point?  I’m not allowed to just live because of monetary concerns and 'considering other people’.  Right now, I just survive.

I’m not sure what I need and what I should change about myself.  All I know is that trying to fight against my true self just ends up destroying me.  I may want to be neurotypical and more extraverted, but I can’t just become those, and “not wanting it enough” doesn’t work in this case because you’re constantly fighting yourself, draining yourself of energy and spoons, and sooner or later, you’ll melt down, and then the police get called and you’re taken to hospital, while neighbours or whoever witnesses the meltdown will ensure you can’t bother them again by collaborating to get you evicted, dismissed from work because you’re creating a 'hostile work environment’ or 'threatening violence’ (I was sacked for that once when I tried to warn people not to manhandle me during a particularly triggering confrontation because then I don’t know what I’ll do… and this was from a company that was meant to specialise in autism).

Where’s the line drawn? When should those on the spectrum learn to adapt to and tolerate, and when should society change for them? When should I be expected to meet the standards and when should the standards change?  I don’t have the answer, and through a mixture of my own actions and those of others, I am very much alone where I live… no true friends, no emotional anchor, no personal interaction, nothing (even if I’m in a city around many people, I still feel alone).  I’m scared of joining clubs because of past experience with meltdowns and expecting to meet up at set times when my own sleep cycle is chaotic, or I may just not have the energy to go but I’m expected to.  Also, one club became psychologically abusive for me, but once again, past trauma that invalidates how I feel.

Speaking of how I feel, I do wish I was more like Mr. Spock where everything is pure logic and I don’t feel anything, but then again, Vulcans and half-Vulcans DO feel, and I just don’t have the strength to suppress my emotions=.  Where does that leave me?  A group home with no freedom or autonomy? Evidently I can’t hold down a job, and I’ve been out of work forso long that I’ve had employment agents pretty much tell me to stop wasting their time, becaase no company is going to risk paying a finder’s fee for me no matter how good my skills are (albeit very niche nowadays).

The thing is, when somoene enters my house to offer help cleaning it or go through my financial statements to identify unnecessary expenditures, or just go through my stuff in general, I feel violated and incredibly anxious, but I feel I have no right to protest or resist.  Besides, as my mother keeps saying… if you’re doing nothing wrong, what have you got to hide?  The fear of being judged (and the consequences of that) or the right to privacy don’t seem to be valid answers.

What do I need? I don’t know… sometimes I just want a mother figure, but my actual mother is not an option.  What do I want?  I want to be useful.  I want to belong.  I want to be myself.  I want to be… free.

[willowashmaple]

a lot of things going on inside me this year.

It’s been often said, almost like a cliche these days, that autistic folks have “a special interest,” as though that’s the defining characteristic of what it means to be autistic. There is this stereotype (though not entirely false) depicted in the popular media of an autistic who knows just about every trivial piece of knowledge about something even as they cannot “function” (I’ll discuss the problems of the “functioning” label on another day, not now since it’s not the topic today) in just about every other way. 

What if, then, I lose interest in just about everything -- including those “special interests”? Also, sometimes those “special interests” change over time as one grows older, too. 

As I look back this couple of years, I see how I have constantly lost my interests in something that I enjoyed, and something I was rather “good at.” And I had not found something else to replace those. I used to be a rather prolific writer in the blogosphere since there was a blog. I was an experienced artist who had more than a decade of experiences in gallery exhibits. I was a dedicated activist and community organizer for many years. All these things disappeared from my life for the last 18 months or so. Honestly, I no longer feel like I’m alive; more like merely existing on the neutral. I frankly do not know how to get myself back on track and to regain the kind of zest for life that I used to have even when I had a very tough life. 

Lately I am increasingly becoming more aware of how autism informs and shapes my life far more than anything else -- something I used to be mostly unconscious of, and also something I was in deep denial about until maybe five or six years ago -- more than race, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, or political ideology. When I became first aware of it at age 18, there was no resource available to me: I was seeing the mental health for another reason (although, in retrospect, autism would’ve been the central reason why I got myself into that trouble -- I will not discuss this here -- in the first place) and the health insurance had a hard $2,000 cap per annum on mental health services. Soon I graduated from high school and I moved on with life. College felt like a better place, and so was living on my own in a studio apartment. 

The more I learned the more I feel like I have been duped all along. Most of my adult life I tried hard to pretend like I was a normal human being. I had, very few if any, friends -- and I feel like they are just barely tolerating me (and likely talking shit about me behind my back). I’ve given up on dating, since past attempts largely went nowhere (and when they did, inevitably ended up in a tragedy), let alone any serious relationship or marriage. Things did not go very well. I could not relate to people. I never understood them. I could not understand why they always wanted to “feel connection” or why that was actually desirable. I blamed myself for being a unlikable, sociopathic freak and a failure, having been conditioned by the ableist predominant culture.  

The worst part of it, unfortunately, was that I had internalized all the negative things about autism and as a result have given up on myself. I ended up believing in debunked theories such as I was utterly incapable of empathy (a scary, dangerous monster!) or that I cannot treat fellow human beings like humans with feelings and thoughts (now this one, actually it’s partially true for me: subconsciously I look at other people as though they are mere objects -- and it requires an intellectual and conscious process for me to overcome that).  

But apparently it wasn’t that I was a failure or a defect; rather, I was different from neurotypicals. And there is nothing intrinsically wrong about being different. Recent scientific researches have discovered what is now called the “double empathy” problem: in a nutshell, “there is a form of social intelligence that is specific to autistic people.” In other words, autistic people have little problem communicating with or relating to other autistic people, in the same way neurotypical folks have little problem doing so with other neurotypical folks. It is as if they are two distinct cultures or languages. Indeed, it is estimated that 1 to 2 percent of world population is autistic (this estimate appears to come from a CDC figure that 1 out of 54 children at age 8 were diagnosed autistic -- which means potential underestimate, especially among girls); nevertheless, if 1.5 percent (a conservative estimate) of the U.S. residents are autistic they would make up a sizable minority group at par with Native Americans (1.6%) or ethnic Chinese (1.5%). 

Anyways, the latest burnout hit me harder than previous burnouts. And I blamed myself for it. And now I feel like I have been duped. Burnout did not happen without years of me trying too hard to fit in, look normal, impress others, market myself, act like a “responsible normal adult,” and generally overstretching myself to the point of breakdown. This isn’t much better than forcing LGBTQ+ people to look and act “straight,” get married and make babies and pretend like they have a “normal, respectable family life.” (They are very similar!) And why would I be doing all this even though it took a massive toll on my sanity and health, if not for pleasing others, and make others feel “safe and comfortable”? 

[sammysreelreviews]

Counting Down My Top 10 Netflix Original Tv Shows

Netflix has 593 original tv shows and counting. Yes you read that number correctly but, this also includes shows that are made by other networks but Netflix has the international rights to stream them for example: Peaky Blinders and The End of the F***ing World or shows they’ve saved like Lucifer and You but those won’t be included in this list. I’m always asked “what do you recommend to watch on Netflix” and these are my holy top ten that I know you’ll love. Once again, I’ve decided to make the list solely off of Netflix produced shows so shows they saved like You and shows they share like Peaky Blinders are unfortunately not on this list which is a shame cause I love the fookin Peaky Blinders. These shows are not only amazing they’re all shows I’ve rewatched many times like y’all these are my ELITE ten! I was gonna have this up weeks ago but I dead ass forgot to write/wasn’t feeling well mentally but here it finally is so enjoy my absolute Netflix favorites! Spoiler free!

10. Stranger Things (2016 - )

I mean we all know of the Sci-Fi phenomenon that is Stranger Things. I really wanted to rank this after season 3 came out and I’m not gonna lie I was a tad disappointed. This is a spoiler free post so I won’t give anything away to the people who take forever to binge shit but I felt like this season was dull, too cheesy, expensive but not in a good way, and directionless? Beside season 3, seasons 1 and 2 are immaculate and I hope season 4 is on point this time.

Status of show: Has been renewed for a 4th season

9. Atypical (2017 - )

This comedy about a teenage boy with Autism is one of the funniest and heartwarming shows EVER! Keir Gilchrist is absolutely brilliant in this and it really shows a side of autism we don’t normally see in the media. There’s family drama, lots of laughs, and some tear inducing moments. It’s a show you can binge super quickly so please give it a chance there’s nothing else like it!

Status of show: Renewed for a 3rd season

8. Big Mouth (2017 - )

The vulgar animated show that shows the trials and tribulations of puberty is a show that’s so fucking crazy it works. This is a show you can rewatch multiple times cause I promise you there are some jokes or scenes you’ll miss in the background. The planned parenthood episode is not only hysterical but also so well written its genius (also within the time I took to post this this exact episode was nominated for an Emmy). Nick Kroll, Maya Rudolph, and John Mulaney deserve all the awards for their voice acting.

Status of show: Season 3 should be coming soon

7. Bojack Horseman (2014 - )

Bojack Horseman is not only one of the best animated shows ever created but also one of the most depressing? Don’t get me wrong Bojack is indeed a comedy and it is HYSTERICAL but once you dig into Bojack’s past and really get to know him it makes you self aware in a way. I don’t like when my cartoons get sentimental but Bojack talks about mental health and if you know me I am all about checking your mental health.

Status of show: Renewed for a 6th season

6. Dear White People (2017 - )

The show based off the film of the same name about black kids in a mostly white elite college is very relatable, funny, and informative. Dear White People has drama, great conversation starters, and tons of laughs. Coming from a black girl in a mostly white area and going to private mostly white schools my whole life this show is like everything I could ever say. The writing is impeccable and is one of Netflix’s highest rated shows on Rotten Tomatoes.

Status of show: Season 3 is currently streaming on Netflix

5. Quicksand (2019 - )

This is a show I have literally BEGGED people to watch cause it’s just so well fucking done! I’m not gonna repeat myself and go on again but I will tell you the plot. Quicksand is about a girl who is the only one left standing after a school shooting happens in her classroom. The question is what the hell happened? The show then goes on to flashback on the events that happened before the shooting. This is a Netflix international show from Sweden and the acting is phenomenal, the story is powerful, and as chilling as it is you’ll wanna watch it again so um, FUCKING WATCH IT.

Status of show: Sadly unknown

4. Dark (2017 - )

It’s exhausting how many times I’ve told people to watch this sci-fi masterpiece but here I am again begging y’all to watch it. Dark is about a small German town where two boys go missing and what happens next no one could’ve prepared for. This is a show that’s so well written it’s scary like you can tell everything was planned out to the T. I just want y’all to know that this is probably the best show on Netflix. It would be number one on this list but the next three shows I’ve probably rewatched one thousand times. Any who, Dark is ending with a third season and it should be out in late 2020 so binge binge binge!

Status of show: Season 3 will be the last season

3. On My Block (2018 - )

The show about a group of high schoolers dealing with love, school, and gang violence is a show I’ve rewatched like way too many times to count. What I love about this show is that the cast is all people of color and while it is funny as hell when it gets deep it really tugs on your heartstrings. The characters are all so easily to fall in love with and I can not wait for season 3! Also the season one finale... whew!

Status of show: Season 3 is currently filming

2. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015 - 2019)

The quirky show about a woman who was kidnapped in her teens escapes and moves to New York is one of my favorite shows of all time. The references and situations on this show are even more special because sweet Kimmy (Ellie Kenner) only understands things from the 90’s since she was trapped underground for 17 years. The cast also includes Titus Burgess, Jane Krakowski, and Carol Kane. Everyone pulls their own weight on the show but Titus Burgess as Titus is literally one of the best performances I’ve ever seen on television. He should’ve gotten all the awards for his Lemonade episode ALONE! Not only is Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt funny but it deals with sensitive topics like #metoo and immigration in lighthearted ways. It’s repulsive how many times I’ve watched this show but honestly there is not a funnier show on Netflix. Periodt.

Status of show: Ended BUT, I heard there’s going to an interactive episode coming out so that’ll be interesting

1. Narcos (2015 - 2017)

This is now the 5th time I’ve mentioned this show on here. I’ve described it best in my last article here. For the love of Godney Spears please watch this fucking show.

Status of show: Ended BUT they focus on the cartels in Mexico in Narcos: Mexico which stars Diego Luna and is also a Netflix original

[mszegedy]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2020: Days 1-10

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I learned about it a few days into April and intended to start doing it but I forgot, I guess, or maybe decided against it. But I wanna do it now, so here’s the first ten days really quick.

April 1: Introduce yourself. Talk about who you are as a person.

This is kind of a hard question for me. I think my younger sister (by 3¾ years) would say this, if she just made a new friend the same age as her and she asked about me:

“Well, she goes to college, but she’s graduating this semester. She does something with proteins, but honestly she should really be a linguist. I actually really hate discussing linguistics with her, because she gets so annoying and overbearing about it. I don’t understand why she’s doing whatever she is. She’s a pretty weird person. She has all sorts of problems with, like, depression and amnesia and stuff. Oh, but, she’s trans, so, like, that’s a thing, yeah. I don’t like talking about most things with her because she thinks she’s always right. And also, she’s kind of mean to our mom. I don’t know why she does that. But at the same time she’s, like, really sensitive, and will be offended by the stupidest things. Okay, this is making it sound like I don’t like her, but I do, okay? She’s my sister, of course I love her. We’ve bonded a lot. She’s moving to DC in October, so we’ll be able to hang out during the school year, and that’ll be really fun. I think I’m just a little fed up with her right now from having to live with her for a whole month.“

April 2: Post your red instead selfie today! Alternatively, you could talk about why you choose to go redinstead and what it means to you.

I don’t know what “redinstead” is. I googled it and it sounds like you wear differently-themed stuff from what’s recommended by Autism Speaks, to dunk on them. Like a lot of people, I’m stuck inside this April, so there’s no point in me wearing pride clothing, because nobody will see it. But I do disapprove of Autism Speaks, because they don’t treat autistic people like people, and they try to spread that ideology. If you trick them into thinking you’re a person first, they won’t change their mind; instead, they’ll say you’re not autistic. People defend them by recounting the problems that nonverbal autistic people face, as though nonverbal autistic people have an inherently worse neurotype than everyone else, and not just one that’s more difficult to accomodate for society, and as though that justifies the abuses levied against them by Autism Speaks. I could go into details, but I won’t, because it would be emotionally draining for me as a writer, and you as a reader.

Suffice to say, I love being autistic. It has inspired a lot of people to treat me very badly, and probably led to a degree of abuse and neglect in my childhood that resulted in dissociative identity disorder. But all of my autistic traits are things that I love about myself. I like how emotionally expressive my stims make me. I like how I’ve learned to dissect a lot of social stuff and I can explain it. I like how I can just dispense with all of that social stuff around autistic people. Hell, I think it gives the neurotypical people I hang out with some relief, too, when I’m straightforward and explicit all the time. I like how good I am at linguistics, and how I can use it as a way to relate to the world.

April 3: Talk about special interests. Do you have any? What are they? How long have you had them? What does it feel like to have special interests? What does having special interests mean to you? Talk about your past special interests

My special interests are unusually slow burns. I’ve had linguistics-related special interests for the past ten years. They’re peripherally useful for language learning, but mostly I’ve just accumulated academic knowledge. They’ve, however, also led me to reconnect with my Ugric heritage culture, which is very important to me. (It wouldn’t be important to me if language weren’t my primary way of relating to the world; paradox?)

I have a wide variety of other interests, but few of them are really “special”. As a kid, my special interest was marine life. Unfortunately, I haven’t retained much of that, although I do have the privilege of having a diver’s license, which I’ll use again someday when I pass better naked. I also briefly had a special interest in… building computers, or something. I didn’t have the money to make anything particularly powerful (not that I had anything at the time to use computational power for), but I did run some workshops for middle-schoolers.

I think maybe my interest as a kid in Homestuck was special? It ran pretty deep, anyway. It’s hard to say, when you can’t remember most of your life.

April 4: Do you consider your autism to be an important part of your identity?

Because we have DID (or something like it), we don’t have an identity in the traditional sense. We do have a system identity, but that’s built around our mutual goals and guidelines. However, we’d be very sad to lose our autistic traits. Also, it might mess with the standard of consistency we’ve established for ourselves; we might not be able to predict our future actions, because losing our autistic traits may interfere with our ability to follow the aforementioned goals and guidelines, which are what help keep us focused and consistent.

April 5: Talk about your living situation. Do you live with your parents? Do you live on your own? Have roommates? Etc. If you live on your own how hard was it to get used to?

Right now, I’m quarantining with my mom, my sister, and my brother (who is actually my sister’s boyfriend), at my mom’s house. The mess that’s accumulating in the house is slowly causing my mom more and more stress, I think. I’ve never really lived on my own. For a lot of college, I lived with roommates or housemates, but I don’t think I was very good at that. Also, my mom lived nearby, and I stayed at her place on the weekends. The closest I’ve come to living on my own is watching my mom’s house for up to a few weeks at a time, and that wasn’t sustainable. (To be fair, what kind of house has a lawn? When I get a house with a lawn in the future, I will make sure that it’s a wild lawn that I don’t have to mow.)

The third to last time that I house-sitted for my mom, I ended up getting hospitalized for self-harm. It took her a while to let me do it again after that. Although, not a very long while, I guess. That was at the end of last September.

April 6: Are you able to drive? If you can, was it hard for you to learn? If not, what alternatives do you use, if any

I’m not able to drive. Driving is scary and difficult for me. I went through the motions of learning it in high school, but my track was interrupted by a move across state lines (I lived in the US at the time), and I never recovered. I’ve failed the NJ written driver’s exam, which grants you a one-year permit with restrictions, a total of roughly ten times. I’ve never been this bad at a subject; it’s like I have the opposite of a special interest in driving. A special lack-of-interest. My brain won’t retain any information about NJ driving laws whatsoever. It doesn’t help that I had a traumatic car crash when I was very young.

So far, I’ve just gotten my mom and coworkers to drive me places, or taken Ubers or trains. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that if I leave NJ, I’ll probably have to get a driver’s license. Although, I’ve already got a carpool set up at my next job in October.

April 7: Talk about autism in the media. Do you think that autism is typically portayed well? Badly? Is there anything you’d like to see more of when it comes to autistic representation? Who are your favorite autistic characters? Do you have any headcanons?

The media that I consume doesn’t really have autistic characters, so I can’t comment on how autistic people are portrayed, except that I’d like us to be portrayed more, period. I’ve only really seen us in teen dramas. To be fair, one of my favorite webcomics, El Goonish Shive, is a teen drama, and has a great autistic character (Susan). I’d say I identify with her, but not really. It’s very hard for me to identify with people, fictional or nonfictional, because my neurotype is greatly influenced by autism, DID, chronic depression, and gender dysphoria, and you don’t see combinations of traits in media that come even close to that.

Speaking of another teen drama, I wish I were half as cool as Matilda from Everything’s Gonna Be Okay. I guess that makes her my favorite canon autistic character, but that’s pretty easy, because I don’t know any other ones. I can’t say that I wanna hug her, because she doesn’t like that, but her general substitute for hugs is dancing, and I can’t dance. I guess I’d learn how, to show my appreciation for her.

Archer from Archer is probably autistic. I like him a lot.

April 8: What are some misconceptions/stereotypes about autism that you hate?

“Hating” is not something I can really do, even when it’s recommended to do it. I haven’t been open about my autism, so I haven’t been exposed to too many misconceptions or stereotypes about it firsthand, anyway. I guess if I had to pick, it would be whatever made my dad call me autistic as an insult and use a bunch of ableist slurs at me a whole lot. I don’t know how he understands autism, however. He doesn’t seem to realize that he has it himself. (It’s not usually one’s place to diagnose other people like that, but one of the most degrading things that my mom says to me very often is that I’m exactly like my father. He even has some traits that I don’t, like touch-aversion and samefoods.)

April 9: How sensitive are you when it comes to touch? Are you pro hug or anti hug?

I’m hyposensitive. I’m really losing it here under this quarantine. I had a girlfriend who always made me feel so respected whenever she responded to my touch-based needs, by squeezing me, hugging me, or otherwise cuddling me very tight, but then she broke up with me because of my mental health issues, and because her parents hated me and her friends were made very uncomfortable by me.

April 10: Do you have trouble understanding when someone is being sarcastic or joking?

It depends. I think I’m as good at it as I’ll ever be, and my false negative rate is under 0.5 (and my false positive rate is very low, but not 0). But I don’t think the same thing goes on in my head as in neurotypical people’s heads when I determine something to be a joke. I almost explicitly do a Bayesian calculation; “Based on what I know about this person and this context, how well can I imagine them meaning this statement unironically in this context? How well can I imagine them meaning this statement ironically in this context?” It’s pretty automatic now, but sometimes it doesn’t work very well, when I’m not so familiar with the person and/or the context, and occasionally the intended interpretation of the statement.

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Not A Feel / Questions

- Is it an autistic thing to count your steps and have sort of an obsession with balance? Like if I do something with one side of my body (step on a leaf or a crack, touch a tooth, etc) I have to immediately do the same with the other side or it really bothers me and I feel off-balance and kinda shitty.

I think so. I do the same thing and I’ve heard other autistic people mention this as well.

- Iiaat to absorb the style of media you consume? Some examples of what I mean: I once read a book with a very distinctive narrative style and my thoughts were in that style for a while. When I listen to things with other accents I absorb some aspects of the accents. I watched death note and was really analytical for a while. Sometimes I absorb gestures from things I watch. It's temporary and usually isn't noticeable to other people but I never heard of this happening to anyone else

It wouldn’t surprise me if it’s because you’re autistic. We often mimic the people around us to try and fit in, so it would make sense if you had a similar reaction to media.

- is it an autism thing for many things to just kind of bore u cos you already intuitively know about some stuff and therefore just need s/t more interesting to u and in depth? is htis why we stim and have so-called 'limited' "special interests"? are they limited or expert knowledge on things that just so happen to stimulate you? which also just so happens to be not respected or perhaps understood by the medical community

I don’t quite understand your wording, but special interests are like any other interest, it’s just more intense for us because our brains cause us to hyperfixate and obsess over our interests.

- Again Im not trynna say I hav anythng pls don get mad @ me. Is semi/nonverbal strictly an autistic thing? I usually get nonverbal if I get tired or smthn but I’m usually more comfy w not speaking on a daily basis. If I make myself talk its a Rough time. advice lik How 2 get away w not talking/any other causes 4 being nonverbal? I’m not bilingual even tho my ma is. I’m learning Spanish& somtimes its easier 4 me 2 say words in it & I’ll say it then (Tagalog’s close 2 it)idk if it’s jus English🌺

My dude, calm down. I have no reason to be mad at you for questioning if you’re autistic. That’s kinda one of the purposes of this blog. I’m not gonna put all of your asks here cos that would make this post really long.

As for the nonverbal stuff, autism is not the only thing that causes people to be nonverbal. You said you’ve been through some stuff and that you don’t like people touching you, you have sensory issues, and you have trouble communicating. You also seem incredibly anxious and overly apologetic. That sounds like it could be PTSD.

That’s not to say you’re not autistic, cos I can’t tell you if you are or not, but from what you’ve said it definitely sounds like you have some trauma based issues that could be causing your symptoms.

As for the difficulties with maintaining fluency in multiple languages, I don’t know. I’m monolingual so I have no experience with that.

- so uh... I recently had an autism assessment and got diagnosed as not autistic. now I'm kind of lost. For a long time, I thought autism would explain the flapping, stimming, special interests, difficulty with social skills, etc., and it's not that I don't trust the assessor but a lot of that stuff didn't come up, and i feel like my upfront ability to do social stuff is just something ive had to learn to fit in and seem allistic. i don't know. Sorry, I just wanted to put this somewhere

Autism assessments are usually based around stereotypical symptoms. Just because that assessor didn’t think you’re autistic doesn’t mean you aren’t. Sometimes you need to bring up these other symptoms yourself because there’s an unfortunate number of therapists and psychiatrists who don’t actually understand how autism works because they have such a stereotypes view of it.

[scriptautistic]

I don’t know if y’all have answered this before but what’s your opinion on the show The Good Doctor?

Hi, I want to be clear - we don’t really do reviews on this blog. We help writers write autistic characters more accurately. But! That doesn’t mean there aren’t some useful lessons on writing autistic characters from the show. In the future, a more useful question to ask is, “What mistakes or benefits does this show have in the way they’ve portrayed their autistic character(s)?” The more specific you can make your question, the easier answering it becomes. Let’s get into it.

The Good Doctor and its accuracy in portraying an autistic character:

I have seen all of season 1, and this show is paced well. If you plan on writing any shows, there’s something to be learned about making sure the pacing of the show is enjoyable. It has a nice balance of drama and resolution, and while there’s a couple of medical cases per episode, the characters’ personal plot arcs last much longer than an episode which keeps it from being stressful. This is a TV show though, and as usual story elements are exaggerated to enhance the viewer’s emotional responses… so the show is not without its drama. The Good Doctor has character arcs which last for several episodes at a time, and allow you to get to know a character. Most importantly, it allows us to see Shaun in a variety of contexts.

This show also has a deluge of very subtle messages about autistic people. There are a few intentional scripted explanations about Shaun being autistic yet competent, but the show is good at showing the messages about Shaun rather than clumsily preaching them. The show’s script uses a mix of person-first and identity-first language. People who like Shaun and dislike him have said he’s autistic, and similarly with saying he has autism. It seems like the show is written in a way that using both has a purpose, but I’m not exactly sure what that purpose is - perhaps to try to satisfy anyone who prefers either description?

Many people have problems with an allistic actor portraying an autistic character, and I won’t be getting into that argument or state my personal opinion, but the portrayal of accuracy in autistic characterization is very high. This is one of those rare shows which shows an autistic adult being competent in a job as well as navigating friendships and attraction to people. He is also shown as an autistic adult; he doesn’t think or act like a child.

Shaun’s strengths and struggles: My main contention with the show’s accuracy is the Savant Syndrome super powers Shaun (the main character) has, but I think that was in part a relic from the show being loosely adapted from a Korean drama of the same name. This could have a deleterious effect on the way the audience sees autistics’ skills and smarts - as something separate from autism. A more accurate way to describe Shaun’s skills would be his special interest has been in medical sciences and physiology for years, and he is a visual learner and can extrapolate spacial information from what he has learned about the layout of the body to understand medical problems on a deeper level. This is a set of skills and intelligence very related to autism instead of a separate thing stacked on top of it; he can hyperfocus and not get bored, makes abstract links between disparate pieces of information in order to reach a conclusion, can learn a system well based on visual patterns, etc. For him, these are very autistic traits. For another character, based on their learning style/preferences/personality the autistic traits can vary. Essentially, autism touches every way an autistic person experiences the world. The show makes this a clear message, at least.

While Shaun is excellent surgeon and very intelligent, he struggles with other things. This is very accurate for autistics; there may be some things autistics are very good at and/or have fun doing, but other activities can be difficult and distressing. For example, Shaun cannot drive because there is too much sensory information associated with driving. This is a very common experience, though not necessarily true to all autistics, and it doesn’t correlate with someone’s level of verbal communication. I know a non-verbal person who drives to her work every day, and a very verbal autistic who finds driving absolutely horrendous. At the end of the day, Shaun is very skilled but makes mistakes like anyone else, though his resolutions to problems are often unique, meaning he thinks “outside of the box,” or abstractly the way many autistics tend to. He follows rules yet is creative, something often unappreciated or overlooked in autistics’ portrayals.

Portrayal of sensory experience: Shaun dislikes eye contact and seems to pay attention to people by listening or looking at what they are talking about. His mannerisms and body postures seem to be geared around rhythmic gross motor movements and precise fine motor movements, navigating and interacting with his sensory environment. He also has a myriad of sensory problems, and the degree with which he struggles with them may vary on the situation. For example, he couldn’t deal with certain noises during the day, but he couldn’t sleep when the faucet wasn’t dripping because he wanted to have the familiarity of the dripping faucet. Autistic people have sensory preferences, meaning some people love certain sensory experiences others hate and vice versa. He also is visually very sensory-seeking and bought himself a high resolution flatscreen TV so he could watch it up close. This is something consistent with his character, since he thinks very visually. Shaun has a comfort item - a toy scalpel his younger brother got him and he carries it with him everywhere. This is similar to myself and a lot of other autistics, and it’s related to a loved one and a special interest.

He also struggled with being asked direct questions when he interacted with a character - Claire - up close and couldn’t answer them, but he had prepared for his interview and could respond to questions asked directly by strangers in that context earlier in front of a room full of people. Later, he can respond to Claire’s questions more easily, likely because he got to know her better. While it might seem counter-intuitive or poorly written for Shaun to have an inconsistent ability to answer questions, but the contexts in which he was asked certain questions were different, and he had different levels of preparation to be asked questions. 

Emotions: In one episode he had an ‘atypical’ (at least by allistic standards) reaction to seeing someone get shot in a store - he compartmentalized his distress and feelings of guilt to help the person and go about his job, then later lashed out after he had packed his emotions down. He also didn’t want people to know his emotions. Yet some allistics are like this as well.The show writers leave him room to be similar or dissimilar to allistics, depending on his preferences and personality. 

His facial expressions are so subtle, other characters may not catch them and be able to read his emotions. This contributes to the stereotype he is ‘robotic,’ but Shaun certainly does NOT emote flatly. His facial expression system is merely different from those around him. He is in pain/guilt a lot of the time and has been abused and bullied, so he learned to suppress his emotions rather than trying to deal with them because they can often be too much to handle. This is consistent with his character, yet doesn’t contribute to the idea that he doesn’t feel. Instead, he is portrayed as feeling a LOT: becoming attached to certain people quickly, feeling distressed if they are removed from his life either by dying or moving or cutting off contact. He often gets watery eyes but turns away to prevent people from seeing. It’s a choice of his to keep his emotions to himself; they’re his, as he asserts at one point.

Portrayal of Shaun’s history of abuse and bullying: Unfortunately, this portrayal is very accurate. Without spoiling too much of he plot, I will describe the types of abuse Shaun experiences. He was abused by his father verbally and likely physically, though the latter can be inferred. There is at least one scene showing this. His memories shown are mostly traumatic in nature - being kicked by classmates in the schoolyard, seeing death, and being pressured into take his pants off (though he  didn’t, this is sexual harassment and humiliation) then surrounded by classmates and mocked. Autistic people are often targets for abuse of all kinds, and Shaun’s lack of obvious emotional reaction to his memories of these instances shows how acclimated to his memories of these kinds of violations he has become. Yet when he realized someone pretending to be his “friend” and manipulating him for his money, he was stung.

Portrayal of sexuality and romance: Shaun is shown as straight in this show, and becomes very attached to someone who also is interested in him. He seems intimidated by sexual experiences, but not disinterested in them - a very different portrayal of autistic sexuality than usual, as most autistics are portrayed as asexual. It is made clear he is interested in romantic experiences, and is shown as attractive.

Interactions with another autistic: There is an episode in which Shaun has an autistic patient (portrayed by an up-and-coming autistic actor). There was a little bit of weird ‘autistic whisperer’ feeling shown when Shaun translated the patient’s distress and the reasoning behind it, which may happen if autistic people know each other well or have similar sensory problems, but one autistic person may or may not be able to simply understand and explain another autistic person’s experiences.

Yet there was something interesting about this other autistic character which is not often addressed in media: he had different struggles and strengths than Shaun, different ways of communicating, and different responses to stress. Shaun internalizes his stress until he explodes, but this character seemed very communicative of stress and pain.

Something else interesting was Shaun’s initial almost-dislike of this character. Something gooshy to do on the writers’ parts would be to have them instantly become best friends, but to Shaun, he was just another patient, and Shaun had never met another autistic person. This was another way to show Shaun’s dislike of himself on some level (I would say self-hatred but I’m not too quick to point to evidence of this because the audience sees into his emotions only through memories and seeing him in private moments). Shaun has been taught by those around him there is something wrong with him, and he expected to find this patient difficult based on others’ historical communication to him that he is annoying or difficult to be around. Unfortunately, this kind of internalization of negative self-perceptions is very common for autistic people.

By the end of that episode, Shaun had seemed to get over his ambivalent feelings toward this patient and chided the patients’ parents for giving the patient a kava root supplement, as it was the cause of the patients’ presenting health problems. Allistic parents of autistic kids are often quick to jump to any supposed ‘cure’ or ‘support’ for their kids to change their autistic-ness, and this episode was wonderful at showing how dangerous this is, as the patient was in a severe amount of pain and distress. The parents were also very quick to decide both their child and Shaun were incompetent because of autism, but Shaun’s surgical team members were very quick to advocate for him despite their distrust of his skills in the beginning of the show. This gets at the show’s core message, I think: Autistic people are capable and one should assume competence.

This show is also not inspiration porn, since the narrative focuses on Shaun as the main character and doesn’t objectify him - a big plus in narratives featuring autistics.

Overall message about autism: In one episode, a physically disabled patient considering surgery to try to walk again tells Shaun, “You understand; you’d jump at a cure for autism, wouldn’t you?” And Shaun avoids the question by saying, “There is no cure for autism.” Shaun then prompts the patient to realize his best attributes - patience, willing to help others, etc. were learned because he went through physical therapy, and the patient says the difference between his ‘cure’ to walk again - surgery - and Shaun’s autism is the lessons he learned from being in a wheelchair wouldn’t go away if he can walk again. Also within this conversation, the patient told Shaun his wife married him because she accepted him for who he was, and that someone who accepted Shaun could marry him. Shaun pointed out some of his own personal qualities which are there because he is autistic. I winced at the initial question but the following conversation relieved me. This show, so far, communicates autism is a part of Shaun, not something he carries around which keeps the real him locked up.

Hope this helps with writing autistic characters in the future, especially in the medium of a show, movie, or play wherein there is a visual element for the audience in acting.

 - Mod Siena

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[sunnysynthsunshine]

My letter

(Note: I’m aware I can’t personally directly send this to him, but I still felt like sharing this with you, my dear comrades, I was feeling really rubbish yesterday but after typing out all of this I felt a lot better, a lot of the thoughts in this letter are what has been buried under the subtext of some of my poems and that one writing piece I did, some of the topics discussed reference mental health, personal aspects of my life and spirituality so TRIGGER WARNING!..you may keep reading)

Dear Doctor Rik Mayall

Hello!,

I’m Kelsey, I’m a huge fan of your work, old and new, a 17 soon to be 18 year old from Northern Ireland I, unfortunately, wasn’t around to see your Bottom stage shows when they came to Belfast, I was too little at the time.

I did know some of your work though, that short-lived King Arthur cartoon was a show I’d frequently watch, and I remember when you’d voice the Andrex puppy and narrate who let the dogs out!

In later years I’d eventually watch that Young ones show you did, I fell in love with that show, your character too, that show helped me at a time after I finished secondary school when I was feeling really depressed because of drama going on with someone who used to be my so-called friend who I had learned later was manipulating me.

Your show made me realise a lot about myself and the world around me, as someone raised tory you helped me express the true  socialist and anarchist views that I wanted to show, I’m now the me I always wanted to be,I’ve met a lot of my new mates the ones in my college and the ones off the internet because of you, because of either them and I mutually liking one of your shows or me introducing them to your shows and them enjoying it.

I used to study drama as you did, but then I had to study media instead, my dance instructor really tainted my confidence, however, I did get a good grade in LAMDA, the drama school that Nigel Planer and Peter Richardson went to, I just did the exam though,I still love drama and I write poetry (like your character did) and my own comedy monologues while it took time to realise I lowkey wanted to be a comedian as well as an actor and artist,but I used to think I wasn’t capable enough, but I’ve written 7 monologues since last summer up to now and I’m quite proud of my progress.

My media course is going well too, I’ve often referenced you in some of my sources for projects like my Moving Image class and one time we had to pitch a film idea and poster, so I chose that Drop Dead Fred film, because it’s one of my favourite films of all time and I felt like the only reason it didn’t get the proper praise it deserved at the time was due to bad marketing.

Outside of that, times have been less than stellar, a bloke last October manipulated me, I just wanted to be friends with him, but he ended up being very mentally abusive,I have Autism so sometimes I hyper fixate *gush* about my interests too intensely,and sometimes I overshare and make weird pop culture references only a few people get,it’s ok at times but other times it can weird people out and it makes me seem annoying to others when I don’t intend to be.

That and my childhood was quite lonely, and often I get traumatic flashbacks from old and modern incidents, and some of the flashbacks are made up and create “intrusive thoughts in my mind, I hate that, I haven’t had my other issues diagnosed, because I’m too busy to find therapy, my country has a backwards mental health system, and some people in my life don’t completely understand the issues I go through.

You and other icons in my life, help encourage me to keep going through the tough times and I’ve been able to help others going through similar problems too, I am so thankful for my friends and I’m so thankful for your presence in my life.

Barbara is a very lucky woman and so was Lise when you were with her and your work has heavily inspired my own.

I feel like whenever I’m acting or when I watch you acting, I see a spiritual philosophical wall beside us, I’ve read and watched all your interviews, most of your tv and filmography and your book is fantastic.

I feel like our personalities are similar, we are both kind, but cynical, we have our cold  moments and times when we just want to be cuddly teddy bears, we love audiences but we’re also shy and sometimes timid,I can’t list all the traits here basically I can go from entranced and hyper-fixated to Pessimistic and Quiet and Timid to Mellow and Loud to dazed, relaxed and happy. Quite a mix of traits, in the past I was an ignorant coward, now though I’ve learned from that and I’ve grown a lot as a person literally and figuratively.

I have taken your mantras to heart, after I got kicked out of my old performing arts course I reenacted your Theatre monologue and posted it on the internet, It got lots of positive feedback not too long after that I continued the poetry,eventually the monologues and in between I got my first job as an assistant stage manager on a local theatre production of West Side Story.

I have a lot in common with both you and your characters,well mainly the positive traits, the negative traits I try to work on, even through our appearances, people have said I look like you, that has helped me accept myself, my identity and my own appearance, I’m far from a portrait but if I’m compared to you then I’m also very gorgeous,I also sort of scrapped through my GCSE’s, technically some of them were BTEC’s, they’re like extension course things, but then some of them I was average at anyway and the performing arts course didn’t let me show my full potential while there I mainly did villain and minor character roles. I shouldn’t be defined by a piece of paper, I should be defined by who I am, a wonderful, creative, smart, kind and beautiful person...like you.

Some of the “poems” I’ve made were tributes to you, and how while yes you had your flaws too, you to me are the perfect person, never before have I been so inspired or so connected to someone who wasn’t a Japanese cartoon (apologies, if that sounds odd, while I liked celebrities not many of them were relatable to me)

I even sometimes dream about you, I dream about being apart of the comic strip, I dream about performing alongside you, I dream about simply hanging out with you, going to pubs, Bowie concerts and that Groucho club you were banned from.

While there were some moments in my life, that I can’t remove or were learning curves for me, to have been around at the time, would’ve been interesting, yeah there’s the political rubbish but that hasn’t changed in the 2010s either, we still have Thatcher but her name is Teresa now, and a talking orange called Donald Trump is ruling America but he’s also literally just a white blonde Hitler.

I understand there are time rifts and time zone differences in the universes around us, but I do really wish I could’ve met you in person, sometimes the lucid dreams give a similar experience except you in those is like an animated hologram,I often try to “spiritually communicate” with you,sometimes it works other times I just end up talking to an imaginary clone of you,I can tell because they look like how you did in the 90s, and not the chill grey-haired grandpa you are now, sometimes I see your real self in those dreams, other times I only hear your voice.

I want to carry on the legacy, I don’t just want to spread my own ideas while teaching the world about your masterpieces, I want to spread the love, I want to remind the world to laugh at misery,I want to bring more light into where you left off,you aren’t dead,your just not physically with the world anymore, your mind, spirit and memory are still alive, in most people,your memory lives on

People still talk about you, I think about you, while the tories are still twats, the young revolution of the new generation is getting more attention.

I’m going to be one of the youths leading it, I’ll never lose my wisdom and you’ll always have a presence in my life and the world.

 as long as I, your kids and all your fans try to retain your memory, you’ll never “die”.

After all, you're the Rik Mayall, are you going to let God prevent you from occasionally visiting earth, visiting your family and friends? Of course not, I’m sure they miss you very much, and I’m sure Ade is sorry about that drama he caused about the Bottom spin-off.

Making the universe more bright and colourful

Lots of love as a fellow fan, performer and admirer but also as someone who sees you as a philosophical figure

xoxo

Kelsey

a.ka

That twit on earth from Northern Ireland who will never stop thinking about you

You utter pan-global phenomenon

I could only be talking about the one, the only, the Doctor Rik Mayall~

[stardustpinkart]

Not here to hate, just here as someone who genuinely wants to show "this is more harmful than you might realize." Please, just hear me out.

You can't separate Harry Potter from the views of the creator. She portrayed ending slavery as something to ridicule people for. Her goblins are awful caricatures of Jewish people. A lot of elements are based off racist, transphobic, and homophobic stereotypes. She excused child abuse in the books. She claims that autistic people can't communicate that they're trans, and that therefore trans people are ableist and we need to protect poor little autistic people from them (which is very very ableist.)

Supporting her and her media funds her, and she funds transphobic policies in the UK.

If you can ignore ALL of that and still enjoy Harry Potter, then in the most respectful way I can say this, you cannot call yourself an ally to trans folks, gay folks, people of color, or autistic and disabled people.

That last bit isn't necessarily directed at you, by the way, because again I understand if it just doesn't set in how damaging it is. I only wanted to make sure you at least had a chance to understand, and if you really don't want to, then that's not exactly my business anymore.

Just something you might want to consider, yeah?

I'm not sure about excusing child abuse, as, this is a a common theme in children's books? Kids often on crappy homes and then escaping to something better in the end? "James and the Giant peach", "The Willoughbys" "A Little Princess" "Huck Finn". Even kids books written now often use this trope. I'm not sure Harry Potter is really that different? Though if she really Is deliberately glamorizing abuse, shame on her to stay the least. Other elements have not aged well certainly and seem a product of the time(doesn't make em okay but). Some of it seems to be people acting suddenly “Woke” and having an issue with parts of the story they dident have before? Yes some of it is no doubt bad but others people I think seeing what they want to, mostly the child abuse part(as said this is an old trope often used in books, it does not mean its being automatically shown as okay?)

I do think some stuff is taken out of context cuz it's been revealed she's so horrible, rather than hidden in plain sight? In the old days for example people would compare innocent images and comics vooks to sexual analogy? (A girraffe in a cage was supposedly a symbol for sexual intercourse for example). On the other hand maybe it is, maybe she was comparing all this stuff to her own views in a sneaky round about way. Alot of stuff is not doubt a geniune reason to be angry(she openly admits herself to being anti trans),

It is unfortunate about everything else but a lot of authors, actors, etc I like from old times had similar "problems" . I suppose people are just more vocal about it these days, which is stupid of them. I was not aware about the autism thing I admit which makes me sad to hear as I have that myself in the form of Aspergers. I don't need someone making my decisions for me or "protecting" my feeble little mind. I do consider myself an ally to people who are different as I don't see a reason to hate them, and knowing what it's like to live as one aspect myself, but, I can't change your option of me either, in the most respectful way back.

From what I understand there are people in all those area, including trans, who are still fans of the series, but hate the author rightfully for her hated views?

Love the thing, or make it better, but hate the creator. I think the best way to separate is people often writing better story's than the original, taking out or adressing those more harmful parts, personally. I wish, like somehow people could use HP, like charity zones and stuff, and earn money towards supporting the very organizations she's donating against?(She oughtent be allowed to do that, I cannot condone ANYONE donating to hate groups.)That'd be a nice way to stick it to her. Heh if HP were pd they could do that easily, put the characters on rainbow flags, pride buttons. Some people do that now with there artwork or create characters that are transom disabled, etc.

In fact some people have even sold old merchandise to pay towards trans surgery, binders, etc. That seems a good way to stick a middle finger to the bitch.