#unlearning toxic traits

[kwillow]

Is Helga from the corset comic single

Sorry to you and everyone else who sent an ask to the effect of "is Helga single" "can I marry her" "tell her I love her" and "please step on me Helga;" she's off the menu for as long as she keeps this job.

Her boss is the jealous type.

[writer-of-worlds]

Someone: This person did/said something bad.

Me, who sees black and white: So they're awful people and I should cut ties with them. Got it.

[sleepingfancies]

“having no friends is a red flag” / “having lots of ex-friends is a red flag” / “having a ton of friends is a red flag” / “only having one friend is a red flag” / “knowing lots of people but not calling any of them friends is a red flag” aren’t you tired of always expecting the other shoe to drop? aren’t you exhausted? it’s unfair to everyone you meet and try to befriend to constantly suspect or assume the worst of them

[the-ericstocrat]

I'm in my mid twenties and am having to unlearn so much. From love, to careers, to the world at large. I was taught so many things wrong and can hardly explain how much better my life gets every time my eyes are opened.

[135-film]

i used to be like, "oh god im annoying and an asshole" to put myself down but now honestly its empowering to go Yeah im annoying and an asshole. its endearing :)

[coolsane]

[patnaneuro]

http://canchildhoodtraumamakeyoutoxic.splashthat.com

[propelbottle]

my gaming toxic trait is i like topfragging but not comming until the end of the game so i leave them knowing i'm a stupid faggot

[dastanslove]

Realizing I still have some growing to do and to unlearn my toxic traits not just to be a good partner but also just to be a better person is one of the biggest and hardest lesson I’ve learned this year so far.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Childhood trauma may make you worry about growing up resembling your parents: you may recognize their tone when you speak, or react like them on occasions. You may fear not being able to be different or free yourself from their toxic traits, and it may make you feel defective or bad as a person: all this may trigger you and have you overreact in case of triggers. Childhood trauma generally makes a person lose their sense of self and therefore wonder if you are inherently good. Anytime you fear becoming as your parents, remember that this feeling alone is a sign of you having reached a great level of self awareness, something that they probably lack.

You're very likely just behaving as a human: even if you share certain occasional traits with your caregivers or any other human being you may consider "bad", you aren't doomed to be a bad person too. Not to mention that probably you have picked up a behaviour from your parents to save yourself, and this doesn't mean you're a copy of them at all: this single trait of you doesn't define you. And you can even unlearn this trait with time and patience, and welcoming it for the time being, just to understand where it comes from and care for it (our shadow traits are still part of us, a scared part of us, a scared mini-us -our child version, if you want-, and we cannot pretend they'll heal and leave us alone if we keep them at a distance and don't wanna listen to them. I mean... how can a child stop crying if you close them in a dark room alone?)

You can change anything you want of yourself as you grow more in touch with yourself and become aware also all the differences you share with your parents/caregivers. Focus on these too, not just on what may make you occasionally similar. This trigger is just a reminder of where you were and the journey you're going through to become yourself.

(me + source)

[what-iz-life]

Maturity is healing and unlearning your own toxic traits, so you don't become like the people that traumatized you.

[thenightfolknetwork]

I’ve been with my fiancé for over 8 years now. We’ve been friends for even longer and just last summer we had been planning our wedding ceremony. Now, his family hadn’t been the best supportively, not when he came out as gay, and especially not when he, a Sapio, started dating me, a giant. They then effectively disowned him after we announced our engagement. I think they might have had some weird hope he’d ’change his mind’ or that it was a ‘phase’. This was about 3 years ago now, and I can’t speak for my partner, but he admitted though it hurt, he was relieved to be away from them after all the abuse.

Anyway, the reason for this letter is about 7 months ago we had gotten word that his family had been in a serious accident and that his parents, sister and her husband had passed away and he was listed as next-of-kin and subsequently guardian for his 4 year old nephew.

Now, we never really talked about kids beyond some vague idea. But my partner wasn’t going to turn away the kid, nor did I expect him to. So, after the funeral service and sorting with social services, we brought his nephew home.

It has been an adjustment for all of us, getting used to having a kid around and him being in a new environment that’s more geared for my size honestly. and we’ve been trying to find a good child psychologist for him. but the main problem is… well, he’s afraid of me.

I can’t really blame him for that, after everything he went through, but it still hurts sometimes when he flinches when I enter a room or speak to him. Or how he looks ready to cry when I open my mouth. Even trying to hide when he sees me just reading a book. I’ve grown up in a mixed community, but the way the kid looks at me, for the first time in a very long time, I feel like a monster.

My partner has told me once when we were in bed that his ‘family’ had been filling the kid’s head with anti-nightfolk ideologies and even some rather… well, blood-libel comments. I think he was trying to comfort me as he noticed the way the kid had been a lot more skittish with me than with him. He has been trying to explain that a lot of the stuff his folks talked about was lies and really bad stuff, but it’s hard unlearning these sort of things. I had suggested we postpone the wedding, at least till things settle.

I have been trying to seem less ‘intimidating’, not smiling with my fangs and trying to look smaller than I really am. But I’m worried he might never not be afraid of me. And I never told my partner, but I’m afraid that he will be forced to pick between me and the kid, and I don’t want him to do that as I know either option will hurt him.

So I’m asking. Is there anything I can do to try and help seem less… monstrous to my nephew?

I'm afraid there are no quick fixes here, reader. Your nephew has been exposed to some seriously toxic ideologies from a very early age. That isn't the sort of thing you can fix over night.

I would caution against trying too hard to diminish yourself or your creaturely traits as part of this process. You want your nephew to be comfortable with you, not with a nervous caricature of yourself.

Instead, I encourage you to behave at home as normally as you can, being as friendly as he'll allow you to be and respecting his boundaries when he expresses them.

If you haven't already, talk to your partner about what your strategies are going to be to improve the situation. This is a long-term project that needs complete buy-in from both of you to succeed.

As much as possible, your partner should be exposing your nephew to the idea of difference, teaching him that it's OK to notice that other people are different than him, but that he still needs to treat them with kindness and respect.

There are so many more resources available today to help children learn about these matters, from books and films to websites dedicated to help you discuss these issues in an age-appropriate way.

Books like Paws, Claws and More, What's for Lunch? and My Daddy's A Mummy are a great way to start these conversations and to help introduce your nephew to these ideas in a way that is accessible for him. Talk to your local librarian for more recommendations.

The best way for him to learn to trust you is through spending time with you, drowning out the hateful ideas he's been taught through real, lived experience of being safe and happy in the company of people in the community. Make sure to set time aside for all three of you to spend time together, doing activities your nephew will enjoy.

Of course, his exposure to the creature community shouldn't start and end with you. If you can, consider getting him involved in mixed genus groups where he can meet liminal children his own age. It might be a bit of an adjustment for him, but it will a huge boon to him in the long run.

Finally, please consider seeking out some additional support for yourself during this process. This is a difficult, highly emotional situation, and you need to find people who you can talk to about it beyond your partner, whether that's to talk through possible solutions or just to vent occasionally.

Fortunately, reader, if there's one thing children are built for, it's learning. It will take time and emotional commitment, but with a little effort, I think you and your partner will be able to teach your nephew a kinder way of looking at the world.

[reverthelp]

Maturity is healing and unlearning your own toxic traits, so you don't become like the people that traumatized you.

[jams-sims]

Also the immortal father unlearning toxic traits that he learn that kept him alive. Parental learning and growing we love to see it.

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi hon, could you talk more about finding my own ‘dream girl archetype’ & creating ‘my personal manifesto’ as you mentioned in this post? 💌🌹

Gladly! Some notes on creating your own dream girl archetype and personal manifesto are below. Lmk if you need anything else x

How To Build Your Own Dream Girl Archetype: 

Reflect on your role models: These can be TV characters, celebrities, public figures, or, even better, those you look up to in real life. What qualities and characteristics about them do you admire and want to emulate? Is it their poise, work ethic, their personal strength, confidence, style, general aesthetic, lifestyle, cultural affiliations, career, and hobbies? Make a list of these people or characters with bullet points under each one. If you find a lot of commonalities and find certain qualities on multiple lists, place them on a separate list – this list will become the framework for your dream girl archetype.

Get introspective: After gaining some inspiration from those you admire, it’s essential to look inside yourself to acknowledge the characteristics and personality traits you like about yourself, your natural talents, skillset, and your motivation for wanting to become your dream girl – this desire for self-growth and perseverance should make it onto the list if you’re still reading this! Think about the compliments you receive, especially those that you regularly get from different people who don’t know each other. I find that these types of comments help us learn the most about how we’re perceived in the world. Add all of these characteristics, personality traits, talents, skillsets, etc. to your list. 

Acknowledge your dark side: Get comfortable with your shadow self. If you have certain traits or habits holding you back from being your ideal self (i.e. people pleasing, self-sabotage, procrastinating, etc.), become curious and reflect on why you engage in these behaviors or uphold this mindset. Strategize ways to unlearn these characteristics and ways you move through the world that no longer serves you. Create a plan to dig yourself out of these self-destructive thought patterns and actions. Read books, speak with a therapist (if you can), and start journaling to come up with creative solutions to make changes in your daily life to prioritize yourself. Set up your environment in ways to help you win. Own your indulgent side - it makes you human. The sooner you align with your guilty pleasures, the better you get at indulging in them strategically. Have a small sweet treat every day if needed. Keep emotional distance from toxic loved ones. Make your feelings about your current hot hookup self-referential. Block out time to watch your favorite show.

Assert an active role in your life: Create healthy habits to make you feel good. Stop craving others’ approval – no one can be as happy for you as you are for yourself when you succeed. It’s okay to remind yourself we’re all a bit narcissistic – it’s human nature. 

Construct your higher self: Once you’ve acknowledged the qualities you need to internalize to become your ideal self, discover the external qualities and habits you need to cultivate to build your dream girl. What does she wear, what’s her career, how does she speak, work through issues, engage in conversation? What are her habits like? Her morning and night routine? What does she read, watch, and listen to? What’s her social life like? How does she spend her leisure time? What does her space look like, her beauty, diet, and self-care routine? What quotes does she live by? Does she know other languages or about certain topics? How do others speak about her? Create as many inspiration boards and lists, journal entries, etc. as you need until you unlock all of these answers. You will know when some new characteristic, routine, or aesthetic resonates. 

How To Write Your Personal Manifesto: 

Essentially, this document (can be a journal entry, notes app entry, Google doc, etc.) is an amalgamation of your values, principles, habits, and boundaries. It’s a written reminder to yourself of who you truly are, decide to be, and promise to yourself to stick by your values no matter who tries to tear you down. 

Create a mission statement of your ideal self and the qualities that validate this narrative. Essentially, practice the law of assumption by creating a series of personally-tailored affirmations that describe your self-concept and the woman you choose to be. 

Write out all of the qualities listed above that you admire about yourself and emulate in your daily life. Affirm this self-concept. Feel free to use specific personal affirmations and attach related behaviors to your self-affirming characteristics (i.e. I make it my mission to show up with class and confidence in every area of my life. I’m mindful of how I speak to others, choose my words carefully – in person or in writing – and consider the feelings of the other person when engaging in conversation. I take my appearance seriously and aim to embody a seductive and alluring presence. I maintain a healthy diet, make almost all of my meals from fresh ingredients, go on long walks daily to take care of my body, tailor my closet with streamlined clothes made of high-quality fabrics that fit my body well, indulge in my makeup and beauty routines daily alongside wearing my signature scent. I’m an intellectual whose dedicated to learning more about the world every day – I read at least 10 pages of psychology, personal development, or a business-related book daily, etc.). 

List out your boundaries and non-negotiables with yourself. Feel free to get specific with your boundaries to include all aspects of your life – with your work, family, friends, intimate relationships, dating, food, style, self-care habits, etc. Validate your needs. Add your ‘why’ to each of these boundaries and priorities to help you internalize them and to motivate yourself to uphold these standards despite any self-doubt or external criticisms. 

[princess-of-the-corner]

tbf, Sokka's sexism isn't that major in the original series so toning it down is like removing it

On one hand it isn't, on the other hand it is.

Sokka in particular being sexist didn't last long. It was only one of his many character traits, and it did get knocked out of him after only four episodes. So yes it's only on screen for a short while. Hell, most of it is in Episode 4 itself.

But on the other hand:

The Water Tribes being a society with such strict gender roles and sexism and all of that is a bigger part of the season's arc. And I'd argue a big part in the larger arc of humanizing villains as the themes and lessons we see here apply to the Fire Nation in Season 3.

Which is to say that people are taught, from a young age, how society works. And they learn that and take it at face value because they're young and it's adults telling them. And sometimes when first faced with the idea that their society might be flawed they kick up a fuss but hopefully unlearn the toxic ideas that were given to them.

Sokka's sexism isn't some unique trait only to him. It's part of the Water Tribe Society. Something he has to confront and unlearn. And he does!! But part of that is confronting the /society/ that made him that way!

And to take that away..... there are two ways for this to go with the Water Tribe:

1.) They take away the Water Tribe's sexism entirely. This culture is now presented as Perfect™, nothing at all bad! Because they're the Good Guys™.

or

2.) While the Water Tribe is still sexist, Sokka himself has somehow sidestepped 15 years of upbringing because he's a Hero™ and is just Inherently Good Like That™ so despite being told the strict gender roles, he saw right through it.

Both of these are bad.