#up did show up with the therapy dogs though

[llycaons]

something else I really love about feast and famine is how wwx isn't all 'wow lan zhan you're the best I can't believe you've been putting up with me I'm SO grateful you're literally perfect even though I'm so needy thank you so so so much' bc that sentiment arises in a lot of fics that handle his trauma or mental health and it's SO tiresome not to mention ooc. like it's not there for no reason bc wwx did express gratitude in canon and lwj IS a really good and supportive partner, but it's really refreshing to see wwx in a stable and reliable enough relationship where, except that one time he was triggered and panicking, he literally never once doubted that lwj would support and stand with him, nor did he ever feel the need to even thank lwj for being a good partner, even through the extremely heavy and difficult work of supporting him through what happened

and they DO communicate a lot, it's more that the gratitude is left unsaid because it's mutually understood to be unnecessary. and as much I'm in favor of them communicating their gratitude to each other, I feel like this dynamic for them is so much healthier and more mature and illustrates how strong their relationship is and how much they trust each other. also the idea of lwj as this...saintlike martyr who nobly supports and reassures a self-hating wwx is really tiring. he has his own struggles to be sure, but he has them away from wwx and the writing doesn't frame him as some tragic, self-sacrificing hero for it. like I love lwj but that's what it should be about, right? this was always going to be wwx's story first and foremost and I really appreciate works that let it be that

[st-dionysus]

(The Poem is named) Emetophobia CW

It’s 2024 and I’m in a 20 year old drag bar, watching the very first trans-masculine performer to compete on their stage, he gets second place even though he deserved first.

I show up to the men’s bathhouse on trans night to get free entry and get turned away at the door, and told it’s for transgirls only, bitch you could have put it on the flyer that transmen need not apply.

I’m doing a line of ketamine off the table, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I get banned from the camsite for listing myself as transgender when I don’t have a dick, I complain online and get told that the trans-masculine body is to grotesque to be fetishized and I should be grateful.

I wear a packer and hitch up a skirt, walk the street, get $20, calling it stealing transfem valor.

Cissie puts a TW #body-mutilation tag under my thirst trap. Tranny puts a TW #dysphoria tag under my thirst trap.

T-girl with a callout post pedojackets me, Enby with TME in bio pedojackets me, T-boy with a self-deprecating joke about men in his bio pedojackets me.

I do another line of ketamine off the table, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I am at the woman’s clinic, I am at the woman’s clinic, I am at the woman’s clinic wearing a mask – not cause I’m compromised (I am), just to hide my beard – avoiding making everyone uncomfortable.

I am getting re-diagnosed with BPD, which just means I have bitch disorder and no one trusts me.

I take my pills and throw them up. I drink my liquor before the beer and throw them up.

I am just 14 when the picture and videos go up. Remind me that I have it easy, they were only pictures and videos.

I am just 17 when the recording of my proof stops before it happens, my phone memory is full, I’m called a liar and now I can’t see buttered crackers, thanksgiving, or sriracha sauce without wanting to kill myself.

No one gets me therapy, but they still want to convert me, she puts her hands down my pants, at least I’m 19, to remind me I’m a woman – tell me how they love trans men again.

I do a third line of ketamine off the table, realize it doesn’t effect me, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I call myself a dog, I start biting my lovers and I have to hold back from ripping out a chunk of flesh, I don’t think I’d throw it up.

I am reading the statistics, 40% of BPD patients try and kill themselves. 1 in 2 transgender men try and kill themselves. I’m one of them. I’m 12 and I swallowed all the pills. I’m 14 and the gun is empty. I’m 17 and I put the box-opener against my throat. Therapist calls me a liar, there is no scar, and my words don’t count for anything.

I’m using he/him pronouns for Stormé DeLarverie, like the stonewall veteran association said to, and telling you he started the riot, calling it stealing transfem valor from a woman who told you she didn’t fucking do it.

I’m shoving my fingers down my throat in a fit of mania, convinced I can vomit up my uterus. She tells me I should be grateful, she’d do anything to be able to get pregnant.

My brother in the struggle gets bottom surgery without top, calling it stealing transfem valor to feel comfortable in his body.

It’s 2024 and I’m at trans pride, the announcers tells everyone to give a round of applause for trans woman, a round of applause for gender-queers, a round of applause for transfems, a round of applause for the enbies, a round of applause for trans-masculine people. You forgot someone. Did you know a trans man started the first ever transgender pride parade?

A book on queer history talks about gay men and lesbians and trans women and the women who dressed as men for better job opportunities. I’m reminded that my invisibility is a privilege, if you aren’t seen you don’t get bashed.

I’m 13 and they throw me in the girls bathroom, pin me down, beat me, and in black sharpie write “dyke”, write “tranny”, write “lesbo”, and pull my hair out the cap I shoved it in.

I’m 19 with D cups that a binder can’t hide and a beard I refuse to shave less I break the mirror and kill myself with the shards of glass I would swallow.

Man at the bus stop calls me tranny and tells me I’ll never be a woman. I’d laugh if he didn’t have his hand on my throat. Calling it stealing transfem valor.

I’m 21 and have to pull a taser on him, cause from the back, even with short hair and top surgery, I look rape-able.

I’m 23 and in the gay district when they chase me down the street, calling me faggot.

Make another forcemasc post, calling it stealing transfem valor.

Read an article about a trans man prostitute that kills himself and ends up another female statistic.

Read an article about a trans man shooter, they blame the HRT he didn’t have access too.

Going to read a callout about me, five pages on Google Docs, does this post make it on the list?

Do a final line of ketamine, write the final line of a poem that makes me want to die, calling it stealing transfem valor.

I puke and miss the toilet.

[kas-eddie-munson]

cw: ableism, depression

~~~

Eddie always tried not to dream too big.  He grew up poor, with shitty parents, so he learned pretty early on to prepare for disappointment if he ever asked for or wanted something, even non material wants, like love.

It didn’t always work, though.  His teachers always said he had his head in the clouds.  He dreamed of becoming a rockstar, getting married with kids afterwards.  Moving into a big house with a dog and a yard.

And he knew, really, it was silly.  But he thought maybe he could get bits and pieces of that if not the whole thing.  Maybe he would never have his dream job, but he could do something similar.  Play his guitar at bars on the weekend, teach kids music lessons, or work at a record shop.

Maybe he would never find someone who could put up with all his dramatics and energy full time, but he’d have a girlfriend, eventually, for a while.

And here he was.  Couldn’t even sell weed anymore, couldn’t get out of bed without help sometimes, could barely get out of the house without help, certainly couldn’t drive.  The new trailer didn’t even have steps, it had ONE step.  And that was enough to stop him from moving up and down with a wheelchair.

ONE step.

The bathroom door was too narrow to fit through with it.  He had to hold his piss sometimes when he didn’t have the energy to get all the way there without his chair.

He knew he was a financial burden on Wayne.  The government paid off most of his medical bills, and for their new home, but that wasn’t gonna cut it forever.  Especially if Wayne kept insisting on him continuing physical therapy.

He wondered what they told him.  If Wayne really thought he could ever walk again, more than across a room or from the door to the car.

Eddie did, at first.  Again, dreaming too big.

The doctors were honest with him, even if his heart wasn’t.  He’d be in pain probably the rest of his life.  Things would get better, but he’d probably always need his chair, at least sometimes.

Things were awkward, with his friends.  They didn’t get it.  He didn’t expect them to, and it’s not like they ever talked about feelings and shit anyway.  They didn’t think he killed Chrissy, he was pretty sure, and they weren’t super weird about how he got jumpy sometimes, but they’d get so awkward.  He’d move past them in his chair, and they’d cast their eyes to the floor, trying not to look at it.  Stopped inviting him places when half the time they’d show up and there’d be no ramp, or the ramp would be too steep, or too narrow to actually get up it.  Or they’d have to talk to five different employees to find the one who knew how to work the automatic door in the back of the building by the dumpster.

Not to mention how he often needed help just getting out of the car.  And how he ALWAYS needed a ride.

So they stopped talking to him, more or less.  The Party did still, kind of.  Dustin was always going on about Eddie’s exercises, and telling him how he can still do anything if he sets his mind to it, that that’s what they always said at science camp.

He means well, but Eddie doesn’t know how to tell him he’s already trying so, so hard.  That this is him at a hundred and ten percent.  That not every problem is something you can fix.

So, Eddie spends a lot of time alone, in his room, exhausted, too tired to even write music or work on campaigns - stuff you can do lying down - half the time.

Except on Thursdays.  Thursdays, Steve drove him to his physical therapy appointments.  It honestly felt kind of pathetic how much he looked forward to sitting in a car mostly in silence for thirty minutes a week.  He tried putting on music sometimes, but Steve always turned it off, and Eddie?  He’s too tired to fight over stuff like that anymore.

And Steve didn’t want to talk, it seemed.  People didn’t usually ignore him when he spoke these days, but Steve almost always did.  And Eddie didn’t care, really.  Again, lowering his expectations.

That was until this Thursday, anyway.  Sitting in silence, Eddie noticed a plastic bag by his feet in Steve’s normally pristine car, and Steve snatched it out of his hands when he tried to pick it up.

“Sorry, I uh, forgot to clean that up,” he said, and stuffed it in the center console.

Parked at the physical therapy place, Steve got out of the car to get Eddie’s chair out, and one of the older women who went here sucked him into a conversation Eddie was half listening to through the closed doors.  He glanced in the rear view mirror, and noted that Steve was facing away from the car.

Eddie looked at the center console, considering.  He popped it open and inspected the bag.  Inside was a stapled sheet of printer paper and a brochure.  Eddie frowned, and stuffed everything back in the bin as the woman left and Steve popped the trunk.

The brochure was information about hearing loss.

Steve helped him out of the car, and held the door for him into the building as usual.  Eddie noted how, despite being unusually quiet, Steve still treated him pretty normally, compared to some of their other friends.

Eddie didn’t get much done during his appointment.

~~~

Edit: Now had a part two

[zhongrin]

so that even the world does not doubt that you are mine

— aka their ways to stake their 'claim' on you (in a cute and wholesome way)

◇ characters ◇ zhongli, ayato, childe, xiao, diluc, wanderer, cyno, al haitham

◇ tags ◇ teeth-rotting stomach-hurting fluff, dragon!li, childe calls himself your puppy

◇ a/n ◇ *throws this at yall after the angst last week* HERE'S YOUR THERAPY BILLS /j

𝑚𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 ⬙ 𝑡𝑎𝑔𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡

aside from the obvious way he gravitates around you whenever you’re in public - sometimes with his arm resting on your back and other times with yours looped around his - zhongli never does tell you but he has a little ritual he never fails to perform every morning before he goes his merry way to the funeral parlor.

they do not look like much from a normal person’s perspective, but had you listened religiously to all the tales he told you throughout your relationship, you would have understood the ancient gestures’ meanings to the dragons of the olden days.

today too is no exception; he lets you run your delicate fingers up his proud, battle-scarred horns as you clean them before moving on to clip his hair with his usual hairclip. at the end of it all, he thanks you with a soft nip to your nape.

“there you go. all set. thank you, dearest. have a good day, and i’ll see you again at lunch later, yes?”

ayato believes that the way one dresses - at least in public that is - could make or break a business deal or a potential ally, therefore, he always upholds himself to dress sophistically at all times. and while he normally does not force you to follow this belief, the number of clothing articles and the finest accessories gracing your doorstep could get a little burdensome…

but the moment he sees you out and about with that specific haori he custom-tailored just for you, its color scheme and the fine embroidery literally screaming ‘kamisato clan’? hmmm… perhaps if wearing them would make him this happy, you should consider doing it more often?

“that haori looks lovely on you, darling. hmm? people were being more polite than usual today, you say? haha, i’d say they were besotted by your loveliness, dear. soft blues and whites have always looked good on you, afterall.”

childe might be a good actor, but sadly his subordinates are not.

so it really isn’t a surprise when, after befriending the harbinger, you open your door to see a fatui agent conspicuously spying on you right across your lawn.

and when you started dating?

it got worse.

it didn’t even take you a full day to count all five agents trailing after you like lost puppies. you would have thought they learned to disguise themselves after all these times, but no. they look horribly out of place with their huge weapons and flashy uniforms. sure, they’re fulfilling their purpose by being flashy, but you’d prefer if people don’t run away from you in fear whenever you try to talk to them!

…. it seems like it’s time to give them a crash course on how to dress and act more inconspicuously.

“did the dogs misbehave today? no? i’m glad!! ….. still, you sound like you’re getting fond of them…. hey, i’m still your number one puppy, right? right??”

there are no such things as adepti’s blessings, and yet you carry xiao’s with you everywhere you go.

not that you’re aware of it.

but it shows. it's indicated by the remnants of anemo energy trailing upon your steps. of how his trinkets clink gently against your accessories, always subtle and never too intruding, effectively shooing the evil spirits vying upon possessing your body. in the way the breeze hums gently as it listens to all of the sounds surrounding you, silently protecting, watching, vigilant.

though he might not be able to watch you 24/7, xiao will always continue to make tremendous efforts to keep you safe.

“welcome back. i’m glad you had a good day today.”

a walking contradiction, this one.

wanderer says he does not enjoy being stared at as you walk through the market, yet he scowls when people ignore him in favor of talking to you instead. he says he does not enjoy sweet food and yet he continues to kiss you, tells you that you’re the sweetest thing he’s ever tasted, silently pleading for more with the insistent chase of his lips when you retreat. he says he doesn’t feel the need to announce your relationship to the public eye, and yet the moment someone gets just a little bit too friendly with you, he’s there, almost hissing like an angry cat chancing upon a dog wagging their tail at his unsuspecting owner - his hand settles on your and his hip sticks onto yours, and if looks could kill the unfortunate soul would have been blown a thousand feet into the air and falling rapidly to its demise a hundred times over.

“…… hah! coward. shouldn't have coveted what you can’t have. stupid human. wh- the hell are you doing?! stop pinching my cheek! and how many times do i have to tell you that i’m not ‘cute’!”

him staking his claim on you? ha. elementary. no, no, no. the tcg legendary player uses an uno reverse card on this one. in everyone else’s eyes, there is no doubt that he is yours.

the way cyno wears your accessories whenever he’s out on duty (it matters not if it “doesn’t match” his aesthetics - he claims seeing it on himself gives him a sense of peace), the speech ticks and the mannerisms he adopts from you (tighnari was the one who picked up on it; he thinks it’s very adorable), the way he walks about sumeru city with a bunch of padisarahs in hand, tied with a ribbon of your favorite color (and more often than not, with a bag of your favorite drinks or snacks in his other hand)…

... and most of all, the way a gentle smile always spreads on his lips when someone mentions your name.

“[name]…………. hm…... come on, tighnari. i need to finish this job. what? you think we can get this done before dinner? that's ridiculous. we will finish it by lunchtime. now, get moving.”

diluc is so hesitant to stake his claim on you most days, but after a while, it comes almost naturally to him.

he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, but the way he refers to you as his whenever your name comes up in conversations is so smooth, people could easily miss it if they don’t pay enough attention to his words. from “my spouse? yes, they’re doing fine” to “adelinde, where has my beloved gone off to? they weren’t in the study room”, he has mastered the subtle art of painting you as one of his people in others’ eyes, but on the contrary, the implied message is clear - “if you hurt them, i will not hesitate to take action.”

“my betrothed? no, they’re not with me today. but if you need to tell them something, you can always tell me and i’ll relay it to them.”

whenever he is not within the walls of his new office, al haitham is always seen with you.

in the bustling streets of sumeru, the acting grand sage sticks by your side, sometimes with his hand holding yours, or with you sticking to him like a koala under that cape of his. if one stops by the grand bazaar, they would see him carrying bags upon bags of items as you try to haggle for the 'exorbitant’ amount of mora needed to buy a pack of allspices. and whenever one happens to take a spontaneous stroll in the lush woods surrounding the city, they might stumble to the two of you stargazing, with your head pillowed on your lover’s arm, his expression smoothed out in serene bliss.

there is no mistaking your relationship, for the whole population of sumeru could unanimously agree even without the now-obsolete akasha terminal’s guide: he is yours just as you are his.

“tsk. it is outside office hours right now, i- hm? ah- i… see. you merely wished to inform me where [name] is? very well. this does not mean i will approve of the proposal for your darshan.” “.... but i will at least extend my gratitude and check on it latest by the end of office hours tomorrow.”

© zhongrin | 2023 ◆ no repost. reblogs much appreciated. feel free to reach out to submit suggestions, feedback, comments, or if you just want to talk!

◇ taglist ◇ @thestarsofenkanomiya | @genshinparty | @abyssmal-skies | @hamdehlesmis | @depressivecomforts | @sophiethewitch1 | @why-am-i-here-someone-save-me | @sunnshineflxwer | @heartonthemoon | @yuutasbabe | @percyval-archives | @carbs-need-more-love | @rebeccka | @queen-belial | @stygianoir | @silentmoths | @niktwazny303 | @dustofthedailylife | @herdrops | @diebischesther | @marina-and-the-memes | @angryhope | @mixed-kester | @shuangxo | @fiannee | @lordbugs | @anonymousficreader | @shizunxie | @ladylofspades | @sup-zfam | @ansy-tea | @irethepotato | @nachotrash | @algrimmammon | @sassy-cat-in-town

[mossdogs]

my takes on the clones (+ scudworth and mr b) in the future :)

yapping under the cut

joan works as a director on her experimental arthouse films, which she shows at festivals. even though they aren't very successful, they managed to attract a few niche audiences. when she isn't working on her movies, she makes ends meet at hot topic. in senior year of high school, she and confucius decided to try things again, and both got married a few decades later (oh and also, she got her psylly legs cured!)

abe got a degree in history and works as a high school history teacher. he tried to get into law school in an attempt to live up to his clonefather but dropped out as soon as he realized that it wasn't for him. he gained a lot more confidence that his teen self, and even fixed his posture (would you look at that!)

jfk was at his peak when he played college football, managing to get into a few amateur yet prestigious leagues. now he works as a coach to younger (and sometimes irritatingly inexperienced) teams. he moved with abe to big city usa after they got married.

cleo began working as a model taking advantage of the fact that she's a clone of queen cleopatra (although people don't think it's literal). she went through a few plastic surgeries because she couldn't bear the thought of aging, even if they aren't that noticeable (still). she goes as far as dyeing her hair at least twice a week (grey hairs are for ugly old people, which she isn't!) and follows the same skincare routine she did as a teen, hence why she looks like she hasn't aged that much.

gandhi got thawed out approximately 30 years after the others did when one of the janitors accidentally broke the thermostat of the meat locker. if adapting to the 2020's was hard for the clones then 2053 is no easy task either. what happens after he gets out? i have no idea

harriet was an actress in a few plays for a while and even got to stage twister: the game: the musical at a local theatre, which recieved mixed reviews but got people talking for a while nonetheless. she lost touch with pretty much everybody else except for joan and frida: the three still hang out whenever they can.

confucius pretty much had his whole life sorted out after graduation: he was going to enjoy his foster parents' fortune and not go to college. however, his plans quickly went south when jernice and archibald were tragically mauled by a bear while attempting to hunt it, leaving their inheritance to confucius' foster sister. he works as a computer technician and sometimes helps his wife with her films. he occasionally phones jfk to chat for a bit, since the two remained pretty close.

frida went to art school and works as a painter, doing commissions and selling her art. she had a band on her youth with her college friends, where she was the lead singer and guitarist. after she and cleo moved out from exclamation, they adopted two cats and a xoloitzcuintle dog named señor xólotl, who is like a child to them

topher and the bleacher creatures became incredibly popular after cloney island was destroyed, given that villain village was a success. they received offers to perform in movies, series and attend interviews: people were fascinated by them. their fame was quickly cut short when a brand new, much better texas themed park was build where cloney island once was a few years later, stealing all the attention from them. topher now works as a janitor in clone high. when he isn't removing gum from under tables or unclogging toilet pipes, he spends time on his computer accompanied by his four therapy possums. he still hangs out with the bleacher creatures and they all make the lives of the most insufferable students miserable, just to lighten up his work a bit. some students who were littering reported snakes coming out of their lockers and biting them, and they never knew why.

scudworth and mr b live in a retirement home. the only one who visits them is joan, who sometimes phones or visits them whenever she's in town. because of this, scudworth has developed some resignation towards the others, which he spills out to mr b on an almost daily basis. despite this, deep down he misses them a lot and wishes he could see them.

the first pic's quality is dogshit on mobile for some reason so here's some closeups:

[faeriekit]

Salt Mirror

phic phight fill with two prompts; for @echoghost1 and @fuyuthefoxwriter

(Sister fics are Snow Day, Snowdrift Sanctuary, and Frozen Out)

********

The first thing Danny noticed was the teeth. 

Or. Well. The first thing Frostbite noticed were the teeth. What Danny noticed was that suddenly he was being offered bigger and bigger bones with his meal, which were very much not typical human-appropriate food. 

“You break them,” Frostbite showed him, pinning the bone between two sharp canines and biting down. The bone broke clean in two. Hot-dog style. “Then you are free to eat the marrow inside.”

Danny stared. “I don’t… I don't think my teeth do that.”

“Try it,” his guardian encouraged. 

…Well. He hoped Far Frozen had as good a dentistry practice as they did medicine. Danny shoved the bone between his canine teeth, and clamped down—

—And the bone broke clean through. 

Huh. That was…new. 

Well. Marrow tasted good, anyway, and scooping the butter-soft marrow out with a spoon was easy. Danny might have clunked the wooden spoon against his teeth a couple times (man, was he clumsy today) but he was very happy with the results. 

The next day Frostbite offered him an arm-length rib bone, Danny didn’t even hesitate to chomp down. 

He ate through four ribs before he felt full. He was happy. 

*

The second thing Danny noticed was how pale he got. 

Like. As in ‘his arm matched the snow-white fur of his tundra-proof coat’ level pale. ‘White as a glacier and just as blue’ level pale. Like. There was no red left in his skin. 

He pressed his thumb to his palm. It went yellow, and then flushed back to white as his blood went back in. 

…Spooky. Uh. Danny blinked loudly. Maybe he was…sick…?

There wasn’t a mirror in their cave dwelling, and nothing was shiny enough to reflect in— everything that wasn’t medical was cast iron, or not quite mirror smooth, like Frostbite’s round cooking knives. 

Danny needed a mirror. 

He bundled up and walked through fresh snow drifts to the closest medical facility: an ice cave across from Ledyanoy and Avalanche’s home, carved into one of several dozen pillars of ice embedded into the floating island. Danny knew that there was a mirror there, since Frostbite went in for mirror therapy every time his ice-carved arm began to itch psychosomatically. 

He darted inside. Pritla was the only one in there, so they ignored him in their quest for additional data. Great. All Danny needed was the mirror set up in the corner, ready and waiting to be rolled into place for Frostbite’s next session. 

Danny peeked at his reflection. He looked…wow. 

For one, Danny looked spooky as hell. The blue went all around his eyes, now— no whites to be seen, creating an uneasy, inhuman look. He was pale. He was very pale. He looked like the printer had run out of any colors that might have given him some sort of standing to wander reality with. 

The insides of his lips were blue. The wet inner linings around his eyes were blue. 

…What. 

And. Speaking of…lips…his gums were a deep, sapphire blue, as was his tongue. None of that was as important as his huge freaking fangs, though!

Like! Huge! Not yeti huge, of course, but still!! Danny had no idea how they weren’t sticking straight out of his mouth when he closed it. Big, pearly fangs. 

What the heck was happening to him? 

*

“I think you’re turning into a Yeti,” Tundra decided primly, and flung himself at Arctic without any further thought. The teenage Yeti— still taller than Danny by two heads and a half— squawked, barely seeing the projectile cub in time to dodge appropriately. 

“No,” said Danny. It was more outright denial than certainty. He wrapped his coat tighter around himself. 

Avalanche, who was the closest to adulthood out of all of them, watched the two wrestle balefully. Tundra was barely out of cub age, and Arctic wasn’t much better than Sidney Poindexter when it came to having his crap together, so it was kind of like watching two frogs mud-wrestle in knee-high snow. 

“I mean,” said Avalanche, mostly bored by the spectacle of Arctic getting his butt whipped by what amounted to a kid, “I’m pretty sure it’s normal for human-born ghosts to adapt to their Obsessions after they form. You have to change a little to match your environment. And we have a lot of snow.” 

“So much!” Tundra howled from where he was perched on top of Arctic. His victory lasted as long as it took for Arctic to get his legs underneath himself, push himself to standing, and launch Tundra into a snow drift with a surprised squeal. 

Arctic shook himself off. His fur fluffed up with the effort, which made him look larger in size than usual. “I think that if you were turning into a yeti, Frostbite would have noticed. Or said something. Or done something.”

Avalanche shook her head, gamely ignoring how Tundra had turned from a fallen-in-the-snow position to a crouching-and-ready-to-pounce position. Danny had seen this a million times now; either Arctic would notice (he wouldn’t) and dodge, or he’d once again fall victim to Tundra’s childish enthusiasm. 

Danny and Avalanche largely had no comment on Tundra’s second leap of faith, nor for their mutual struggle for pubescent dominance that ensued. 

There were other questions to ask. 

*

“Am I turning into a yeti?” Phantom asked. 

Frostbite looked down. 

The half-ghost looked nervous— picking at his lip until green beaded under his teeth, his hands in the sleeves of his coat. 

“No,” Frostbite confirmed. He didn’t smile, as it would have seemed condescending in the face of Phantom’s genuine worry. It was better to keep calm. “Why are you worried about turning into a yeti?” 

Phantom stared up at him, eyes deep and luminous. Frostbite had seen similar coloration on deep-sea creatures, long-travelled things desperate for any sort of light. The sight was compelling, yes, but could not substitute for a verbal answer. 

“...Because I’m changing colors and now I have sharp teeth and I think I’m growing claws,” Phantom pointed out. All of these things were true. They were very good, sturdy teeth, and very good, sturdy claws, which was a good sign; anything otherwise would have indicated a lack of support on Frostbite’s end. 

“It is a very normal thing to want to explore other forms of expression at your age,” Frostbite pointed out. He threaded his paws through Phantom’s pale hair, and found, to his pride, little buds of ice horns. “And I am very flattered that you think so highly of us that you are interested in mimicking some of our more obvious traits; that being said, if it distresses you, you are always free to change back.” 

Phantom’s face turned…lost. “Oh.” 

Frostbite continued petting. More explanation would come, or it wouldn’t— but in the meantime, the human tinge returned to his charge’s cheeks, flush with red blood, and the bud horns collapsed where they grew. His charge’s hair turned dark once more, his teeth flat and human. 

Phantom’s eyes were always blue. The human color was not as deep, but was just as nice. Now, there were tears in them. 

“What is wrong, little one?” Frostbite rumbled, concerned. Phantom took his paw and pressed his face to it in search of tactile comfort. 

“I didn’t know why I was changing,” Phantom admitted, sniffing. His voice was wet and raw. “I was scared I couldn’t go back. Humans don’t just…change like that, 'cause we're made of matter. I was scared…”

Frostbite rumbled wordlessly. His charge had adapted very well to a non-human environment, but there were knowledge gaps that would have come naturally to any Realms-Borne being; most intuitively was knowledge of the self, as well as the rigidity (and fluidity) of one’s own manner of expression. 

Changing without realization would be distressing. Frostbite still remembered what it felt like to wake up some mornings and realize that his arm was gone. 

“You are alright,” Frostbite reaffirmed. “It it healthy to change, and it is a good time to find out how you will want to present yourself. That being said, there is no rush.”

Frostbite paused. 

“There is one rush. If you intend to partake in eating marrow with our dinner tonight, you may want to manifest your teeth again—”

Phantom laughed, little cub’s fangs poking out between his teeth. All would be well; but first, there was dinner to be had, and a good night’s sleep to be found.

[wosoimagines]

You Didn't Know? - Arsenal WFC/Reader

prompt: R is new to Arsenal after proving themselves at the World Cup, but there are a couple of hurdles they have to face before the team fully accepts them.

warnings: none

words: 6497

I will say that I am not deaf or hard of hearing so if there is anything that I've gotten wrong, please let me know so that I can fix it (I tried to do as much research as I could). Anything that represents sign langue is in continuous italics.

Also, this will become a series, so don't worry about needing to ask for a part two because it will be coming. (I think that this has honestly been one of my favorite ideas for a fic ever and I can't wait to continue it)

part two

(Y/N) POV

I grinned as I got out of the car. I wiggled my eyebrows at the camera once I noticed it. Honestly it wasn’t too surprising that Arsenal would be filming my first day here. I didn’t hesitate to greet the people who were waiting for me either.

“(Y/N), it’s really nice to finally meet you,” the woman that I knew as Clare Wheatley greeted me. I quickly shook her hand once she held it out to me. “Congratulations. We’re really happy you’re here.”

“I’m gonna show you around,” the dark-haired woman who was behind Clare spoke up. I sent her a soft smile. “I’m Sadie Ross. I’ll also serve as an interpreter for you should you need one.”

“You know Auslan?” I asked. I didn’t always have the option to take out my cochlear implants here recently. Once Sadie confirmed that she did in fact know Auslan, I couldn’t help the grin that overtook my face. “I use a Northern dialect usually, but I do know the Southern dialect as well.”

“No worries,” Sadie assured me. She moved closer to me before patting my shoulder so I would follow her. “I’ve studied both dialects.”

“Cool.”

I followed Sadie through until we got to the locker rooms where I was given my own Arsenal gear to get changed into. It was obviously just practice gear, but it was nice to be in official gear from my new club.

“It suits you!” Sadie assured me once I stepped out of the locker room.

“I like it!”

“So, we’re going to take you on a tour, show you the grounds, show you your new home,” Sadie said. I couldn’t help but smile as she had started to sign the words she was speaking. “This is obviously the changing room. This is the technical corridor, so we essentially have all of our tech staff in here. Our head coach Jonas in this hall.”

I looked down the hall that Sadie had been talking about. I started to move with Sadie so that I wouldn’t fall behind her.

“If you come down here, this is where the medical section is. Stuff like physiotherapy, massages, cold therapy, all of that sort of stuff will happen here.”

I paid attention as Sadie walked me through where the medical team could be found along with any rooms concerning treatment were. Sadie also showed me where the meeting room was and assured me that she would be at all of our team meetings and regardless of if I had decided to wear my cochlear implants or not, she would be translating everything that was said.

Then we were off to find the gym. This was one of the places that I was most excited to find since I knew I would probably be spending quite a bit of time in the gym. I appreciated that Sadie had also pointed out where each section was.

Soon we were headed outside.

“So, this is where we come out to get to the pitch?”

“Yeah.”

I grinned as Sadie pointed out where the exhibition pitch was. I was sure that I would be out there soon enough. Before long we had made our way to the mess hall that they had. It was there that I met Mikel Arteta.

Sadie had disappeared while Mikel introduced himself to me. Then I got to meet Win. Who immediately had all of my attention as I moved to the floor to play with the dog.

It was ultimately drawn away from Win though as Sadie made a reappearance. I was quick to get to my feet as I took notice of what Sadie had in her hands. I took in the back of the kit that had my number and name on the back.

“Such a beautiful kit,” I said as Sadie handed it over to me. “Honestly, can’t wait to play in it.”

“Come on,” Sadie said with a chuckle. “Let’s get you changed into it.”

I did a little fist pump before the two of us headed out of the mess hall and back to where the changing rooms were. Once I had the kit on, I headed down the hall to the room that Sadie and I had passed earlier.

“How’s it look?” I asked as I entered the room.

“I’d say it’s probably one of the best looking kits you’ve ever worn,” Sadie said. I let out a laugh at that. Honestly, I didn’t have the chance to wear that many different kits. I had left Australia to go to the States to play college football for Stanford. Other than my youth club kits, the only other kits I had been in were with the national team, but those had been more recent. “Not too big or too little?”

Of course, we had to take pictures of me in the kit while I was in front of the logo that was on the wall. It had been one of the moments I had been looking forward to since it was announced that I was signing with Arsenal following my college career and performance at the World Cup. Then I moved to take pictures of me signing my contract.

The rest of my afternoon was filled with a photoshoot in a full kit before we headed to Emirates. It was pretty cool to finally be able to take in the stadium in person considering I had grown up an Arsenal fan. I didn’t mind the photographer that followed me around getting pictures of me exploring Emirates.

We even sat down for a formal interview before Sadie played twenty questions with me so that fans could get to know me better.

“Why Stanford?”

“Why not?” I countered. I laughed as Sadie rolled her eyes. “I dunno why I chose Stanford. I had played with youth clubs, but no one was looking to give me a shot with their senior team in Australia. I was smart enough to get scholarships to attend school in the States. Stanford happened to have open tryouts and I was just really lucky that I was able to impress the coaches there and they ended up giving me a spot on the team.”

“Was it hard?”

“Yeah. I was pretty much all alone in a country I didn’t know and having to constantly prove myself,” I admitted. My time in college, while it had been great, had probably been the worst time of my life so far. “I had to practice all the time while keeping up with my studies and even then, I would barely get playing time. Then we had the 2019 College Cup. I didn’t get a lot of time still, but our coach, Paul Ratcliffe, had taken notice of all the practice I put in, specifically with my penalties so when the game went to penalties, I got to take what ended up being the final penalty. I finally knew what the biggest shot of my career was.”

“Did it help you to prepare for the shootout in the World Cup?”

I shrugged at that. Nothing could compare to the shootout that happened at the World Cup. I hadn’t even expected the penalties to go on so long that I would even take one, but then that plan had collapsed, and I ended up taking the final penalty knowing that France wouldn’t have that much film on my penalty kicks and tendencies.

“Nothing will compare to my World Cup penalty. That has probably been the best moment of my life,” I said. I motioned to my ears. “I do kind of have an advantage. It is nice to be able to literally turn off all of the noise. And if you watch the play back close enough, you can see that I had turned it back on right after the ball left my foot. Being able to go from dead silence to hearing the entire stadium cheering was incredible.”

“Did you get the game ball?”

“I did. It will be brought over after our next national camp because surely by then I’ll actually have my own place.”

“Now to backtrack, because you’ll be getting to play with Lotte and Alessia obviously. Not only did they knock you and Australia out of the World Cup but you, as mentioned earlier, won the 2019 College Cup by scoring the winning penalty which caused the two to lose the same game. Is there gong to be any bad blood?”

“No, I don’t think so. Does it sting that we didn’t win the World Cup? Obviously, but we were able to do an amazing job and we overcame everyone’s expectations that they had set for us. In the end, it just wasn’t our year for it. So, I don’t have any hard feelings about that,” I said. I had been upset and frustrated that we weren’t able to win the World Cup, but I was still really proud of the rest of the Matildas. “As for 2019, that’s a question for Lotte and Alessia. Honestly, I’m not even sure if either of them remembers me from it. I might have scored the goal, but my role that season was not a huge one. I didn’t even see an increase in minutes that second year with the team.”

“What are you most excited about being here with Arsenal for?”

“To play for the team I’ve always loved,” I said before looking over my shoulder at Sadie. “It is really cool that I’m also going to get to play with Caitlin and Steph more than just with the national team. And it isn’t just them. I could pretty much learn from most of the players here with Arsenal and I’m excited to get the opportunity to do so."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat by myself again in the mess hall. It seemed that until I got rid of this ear infection, no one was going to approach me except for Sadie. I had really appreciated that she was sitting to eat with me. My hunt for a place to call my own had also been stalled considering I had been trying to rest.

But it had already been three weeks with none of the normal tips and tricks I knew had helped to get rid of this ear infection. Our medical staff at Arsenal hadn’t been able to help me, so they had gotten me in to see a doctor. The doctor had told me it was labyrinthitis, an inflammation of the inner ear.

I had been given medicine for the dizziness that I was experiencing but it did nothing to help the pain I still felt. It led to me ultimately being ruled out of the first qualifying round of the Champions League that took place two weeks ago.

And I couldn’t help but feel like it had partially been my fault when the team came back after being eliminated by Paris FC. I hadn’t even been there with the team for the games. I also wasn’t entirely sure how much the rest of the team knew about why I had been a scratch for the journey.

I looked up at the small tap on the table. Sadie sent me a soft smile as she sat down.

“How you feeling?”

“Tired.”

Not only was I dealing with an ear infection, but the loneliness was starting to get to me. I knew that it would be hard to communicate with my teammates while I wasn’t wearing my cochlear implants, but none of them had tried to get to know me. Not even my national teammates.

I couldn’t wait for the national window to open. Unless I was deemed unable to travel, I didn’t see why I wouldn’t be called up. Even though we’d be in Perth, rather than Brisbane, I was still happy that I’d be back in Australia. I’d even get to see Theo since he had gotten a job with the Matildas. I knew that his main job was to act as an interpreter while I was with the team, but he was also helping take care of all our gear as well.

I sent Kyra a small wave when she smiled at me. The small smile that had taken place on my face quickly turned to a frown though once she moved to join Caitlin and Steph who were sitting with a couple of the English players on our team along with Katie. I sighed as my head dropped down.

“I can say something to them, you know.”

I shook my head. I didn’t need Sadie tackling my problems for me. Besides, once I got over this ear infection, I’d be right there with the other Aussies.

“The last thing I need is for them to think that I’m a coward because I can’t join them and then I send you to confront them for not spending time around me.”

Sadie softly sighed before she nodded. I knew that she hated that I had been left on the outside of the team, but what choice did I really have? I wasn’t really that great at reading the lips of anyone outside of the Aussies and it wasn’t like Sadie could follow me around all day to translate everything for me, she was still one of our assistant coaches.

It was honestly just a really unfortunate situation. One that I hoped would be resolved within two weeks. I wasn’t sure where I would be at mentally if I couldn’t play in our WSL season opener.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My ear infection had finally gotten better a week before we were slated to take on Liverpool, but I was still finding it hard to talk to any of my teammates. Kyra seemed to be the only one willing to seek me out, but it wasn’t often as she was still attached to Caitlin and Steph’s hips. Maybe that’s why I hadn’t been as excited about getting to start against Liverpool. I had questioned Jonas’ decision when he told me, but he said it was the perfect chance to see what I would be able to do so that he could figure out how he would use me for the season.

It would have been fine, if it hadn’t been for the number of knocks that I was taking. It seemed that Liverpool had decided to target me. I wasn’t sure if it was because they weren’t sure what I could do, or maybe they had decided that I was the weak link on the field. But I could handle what they threw at me.

At least until Taylor Hinds and I clashed in the midfield trying to fight for the ball. She had got a hand on the side of my head which ended up knocking off my cochlear implant. This was one of the times where I hated my cochlear implants because it wasn’t like I could just leave it on the ground to come back to while I chased after the ball. No, I had to make sure I grabbed the cochlear implant that had come off my head to make sure that no one stepped on it and destroyed it.

Ultimately, I didn’t even have to worry about Hinds getting too far because the play was called dead. I had assumed that Hinds was going to be reprimanded for the swipe at my head. I wasn’t really sure, but I knew that it gave me time to put my cochlear implant on.

I didn’t tilt my head in confusion when I saw the ref, Emily Heaslip, going to talk with Liverpool’s coach, Matt Beard. My eyes darted between my own teammates because I had no idea why Heaslip was talking to Beard. At least I didn’t have a clue until Heaslip started to wave me over. I glanced around me to make sure she wasn’t trying to get someone else. I even pointed to myself as I raised my brow in confusion. Heaslip nodded her head and waved for me to go over where they were again.

I shrugged as I jogged over to the sideline.

“She’s cheating,” Beard said once I got close enough to hear them. He pointed to the side of his head. “She’s got earbuds in. Getting information from someone up top.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I watched you put it in,” Beard said as he turned to me. My hand flew up to touch my ear. “Yeah, those!”

“You mean my cochlear implants?”

“She should be sent off.”

“They’re medical devices. I have to have them to hear.”

“I’m sure that’s what she tells everyone so she can cheat. After all, how good can a college walk on be anyways.”

Now that was uncalled for.

“I’m better than you because at least I’m playing professionally.”

“Take them out.”

I froze at that. Surely, I didn’t hear that right.

“Take them out before the yellow I’m going to give you becomes a red.”

Heaslip was out of her mind. My eyes immediately darted over to Jonas as I motioned to my ears causing the man to make his way over to us. I wasn’t surprised that Sadie was following behind. Nor when Kim left the huddle of my teammates to see what was going on.

“She’s getting a yellow for blatantly cheating,” Heaslip said once Jonas asked what was going on. “At least I’m giving her the chance to continue the game.”

“They want me to take my implants out,” I explained. I knew that Jonas and Sadie would both be confused as to what cheating they were talking about. “Neither of them are listening that they’re medical devices.”

“Calm down,” Kim softly said from behind me.

I looked over my shoulder at her.

“No, they don’t get to discriminate against me just because they’re idiots.”

Heaslip had enough arguing I guess, because when I looked back at her there was a yellow card pointed at me. Definitely not how I wanted to start my career with Arsenal, but there was nothing I could do to change it now.

“Kim, go,” Jonas said. My captain hesitated, but she moved away from the group to join our teammates. “She quite literally can’t hear if she doesn’t wear them.”

“They come out. Now.”

Heaslip wasn’t even listening to what we were saying. Jonas nodded before glancing at Sadie.

“Okay, just give us a minute so (Y/N) can get them out.”

Heaslip nodded and stayed where she could watch as I walked back toward the bench with Jonas and Sadie.

“It’s not fair,” I said. I had no idea how I was going to play if I couldn’t hear since I always wore my cochlear implants when I played. “My first game with the team and they get to ruin it because they don’t know what cochlear implants are?”

“I’m not taking you out,” Jonas said. I blinked at that. I hadn’t expected him to keep me in. “You can still play without needing to hear. Just try not to keep playing too long after plays are whistled dead.”

“Oh, because that’ll be so easy.”

It wasn’t like I could just keep my eyes trained on the refs for the entire match.

“Sadie will hold onto them.”

I sighed as I looked between the two. It would be nice to finish my first match with Arsenal. I couldn’t do that if I let idiots ruin it for me. It only took me a second to take both of my cochlear implants out and hand them over to Sadie before was back out on the field.

Coming off from the first half, I knew that I was skating on thin ice with Heaslip with the amount of time it took for me to realize when plays were dead. I wanted nothing more than to keep my head down while Jonas talked to us at halftime so that I could at least pretend that the rest of my teammates weren’t staring at me, but I didn’t have a choice. I had to look up so that I could understand what was being said as Sadie translated it for me.

Going back out for the second half wasn’t any easier. I had been slow to move at kickoff since I was relying on when everyone else moved. I tried my best to stay away from fouls, whether my team was committing them or Liverpool, since they were the most unpredictable ways for plays to be called dead. It wasn’t as bad as the first half had been.

But it really came to a head in the 67th minute. We were already down by one, but Caitlin was getting the chance to make a run. I had made the decision to pull toward the middle of the field from my side as the rest of the midfielders were still behind the forwards and I. Caitlin was clearly fouled by Koivisto, but no one was stopping even though Caitlin stayed on the ground.

My eyes stayed trained on Caitlin who wasn’t getting up as I moved backwards. Then I decided to do something that was definitely risky, but I knew that if Caitlin still wasn’t getting up then it would be good for our trainers to check her out. So, I darted across the field where Koivisto was still trying to move the ball. Koivisto stopped and relaxed as soon as I got close to her, but it didn’t stop me from knocking into her to win the ball back. As soon as the ball was at my feet, I sent it out of bounds.

As soon as I had turned to go check on Caitlin, I knew that I was in for it. Heaslip had her eyes trained on me as she started to march over where I was. I scoffed as I rolled my eyes at the clear fact that it was me that she was coming to talk to rather than Koivisto who had been the one to actually foul another player.

I didn’t even pretend like I was paying attention to Heaslip this time. I was just tired of all of the bullshit from this game. However, my eyes did widen when she pulled out the yellow card again and pointed it at me before the red card followed since I had already gotten a yellow.

“Oh, come on. What do you want me to do?” I asked her as I motioned to my ears. “I can’t hear. You made sure of that.”

Heaslip’s lips were moving, but I had no interest in trying to figure out what she was saying. This was insane and I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to have to fight these cards just so that I could play in our next match.

“No seriously, I would love to hear what you want me to do. Oh, wait. I can’t because you made me take my implants out.”

I shoved the arms that were trying to pull me away from Heaslip away from me. I couldn’t wait to fight these cards though so that Heaslip would never call a game again. There’s no way anyone would ever have her referee a game once they found out that she had discriminated against me by denying me the use of my cochlear implants.

I was a bit surprised when Caitlin got in between Heaslip and I before the older Aussie started to push me back. She was pointing toward the tunnel, so it didn’t take much to guess that she was telling me to get off the pitch. My shoulders slumped forward at the obvious disappointment from the player that I had spent so much time looking up to. I couldn’t bring myself to meet anyone’s eyes either as I made my way off the pitch and to the tunnel.

I didn’t even bother to stop by Sadie to grab my cochlear implants. This had to be the worst debut I ever had.

I took a seat in front of my locker. It was an easy technique that I liked to use to help keep me grounded. It made it easier not to lose myself if I could feel the ground under me. I stayed there for the rest of the game. It wasn’t until Jonas and Sadie had entered the locker room that I realized that the game had ended.

“That was the worst game I have ever played.”

Sadie frowned but she relayed the message to Jonas who rubbed at his forehead. Jonas’ eyes stayed trained on me even though mine had to dart between him and Sadie so I could understand what was being said.

“I should have taken you out. That’s on me. I just wanted to give you the opportunity to prove to them that you were better than they gave you credit for. Which you did. We’ll fight the cards and I’m sure that they’ll be overturned considering you really didn’t do anything wrong.”

I shook my head at that because there was nothing that we could do to allow me to redo my first game with Arsenal. Especially in Emirates. It had all been messed up.

“I have dreamed of this day since I was a kid. And it got completely fucked up. I don’t care if the cards are overturned, but I do want apologies from Beard and Heaslip.”

Jonas nodded in agreement once Sadie let him know what I had said.

“Completely understandable and I’ll be sure that it is known that we fully expect apologies from both for forcing you to do something you didn’t want to with your cochlear implants. Whether or not you wear them should be entirely your choice.”

I nodded as I wiped the tears away from my eyes. I knew it wasn’t guaranteed that I would get an apology from either of them.

“I believe there are some fans who would still like to see you. Even if you did get sent off.”

I sighed and dropped my head at that. Before the World Cup, no one was interested in meeting me. It meant that when I had a bad game, or it didn’t go the way my team had expected, that I could leave without disappointing too many people.

But I knew that I needed to go see the fans. They deserved something good from me today after the game. I got to my feet, and I found that Sadie was holding my cochlear implants out to me. I took them from her before I headed out of the locker room so that I could go see some of our fans.

I fiddled with the cochlear implants in my hands as I made my way out of the tunnel to the field. I just wanted to greet the fans and then head home. But it seemed that nothing was going to go my way as I was snagged by the back of my jersey.

When I turned to see who had grabbed my jersey, I was surprised to find Caitlin behind me. She was holding a microphone causing me to full turn to find her in the middle of an interview. I furrowed my brow because I wasn’t sure why she had stopped me considering I hadn’t crashed the interview until she pulled me back. But my eyes moved away from where she was to the reporter who Caitlin was talking to.

“You’re going to have to give me a moment,” I said once I realized that the reporter’s lips were moving a lot faster than I could decipher. It didn’t take me long to get my cochlear implants on before I looked back at the reporter. “Okay, now I’ve got my ears on. What’s up?”

“I was hoping to get your thoughts on your first game with Arsenal. I know after how you played in the World Cup that a lot of the Arsenal faithful were looking forward to seeing you only to find out that you were an illness scratch during the Champions League games.”

“I won’t lie. It’s all been a bit frustrating. Up until today, none of that had been anyone’s fault,” I admitted. I knew that I had to be careful about talking about my frustrations for tonight because I could still be punished if I said the wrong things. “I’m just hoping things will start turning around.”

“What’s been so frustrating?”

“Well, obviously I was an illness scratch for the Champions League games we had. I had been dealing with an ear infection during that time and it lasted until last week. It was brutal and there were times where I was in so much pain. It was just unfortunate that it had to happen almost as soon as I had arrived at Arsenal,” I said as I rubbed the back of my head. It had honestly been the worst ear infection I had ever had. “It made it hard to communicate with anyone really, so that was really hard because I do enjoy spending time with others. But I finally got rid of the infection last week, and Jonas decided to give me the start. So, things are starting to turn around.”

“Even with how tonight ended?”

I glanced over my shoulder at Caitlin who had asked the question. She had a frown on her face. I wasn’t entirely sure why Caitlin looked upset, but I knew that it probably had to do with me crashing her interview or the fact that I just revealed that I had been in pain and isolated.

“Getting carded for the reasons I did was insane and frustrating. Jonas and I have already agreed that we’ll be appealing the cards,” I said. Honestly, I couldn’t believe that Caitlin was okay with the cards I had been given. “I’m sure we’ll win the appeal. I would like to make formal complaints about both Beard and Heaslip considering how I was treated.”

“Well, I’m not entirely sure that you’ll overturn those cards,” the reporter pointed out. I turned my head back to look at her. “You obviously got into a heated talk with Liverpool’s head coach, Matt Beard, and tonight’s referee, Emily Heaslip.”

“It’s simple,” I shrugged. Was I really around this many people who had no idea what cochlear implants were. “One of my cochlear implants fell off and Beard had to be nosy, even though he can’t tell the difference between earbuds and my cochlear implants. Then Heaslip sided with him without talking to either Jonas or I. Which she should have done to figure out what I had in my ears if she was really worried about someone cheating, but she refused to hear us out as we tried to explain.”

“Well, I wish you both better luck for the future.”

I sent a soft smile to the reporter, happy to finally be done with the interview. Caitlin followed me as I headed to where our fans still were so that I could greet them. Caitlin stayed close to me as we talked with the fans and took pictures and gave autographs. I didn’t think much of how close she was staying to me until we were headed back through the tunnel.

“So those weren’t earbuds?”

I stopped in the tunnel causing Caitlin to crash into my back. I honestly hadn’t been expecting the question. Once I regained my balance, I turned to face Caitlin.

“We played at the World Cup together. Not only that but we spent over a month together to prepare for it and then play in it,” I pointed out as I tilted my head in confusion. I knew that I had tended to stick around the ones on the national team who were closer to my age, but we had all spent so much time around each other. The World Cup was one of the few times where I had worn my cochlear implants even when I didn’t want to. “You’ve seen my cochlear implants before.”

“I thought they were fancy headphones,” Caitlin defended. I shook my head as I let out a sigh. She could have just asked me what they were, and I would have told her. “So, what do they really do?”

“We can come back to that in a second,” I said. There was something else that was bothering me now from today’s game. “Were you upset with me when I got the second yellow because you thought I had gotten the first one for wearing fancy headphones?”

Caitlin only shrugged. My shoulders slumped forward because her silence said it all. My own teammates had thought I was cheating along with our referee and opponents’ coach.

“What is it that they do?”

“They’re basically my ears,” I said. This time it was Caitlin who was tilting her head in confusion. “It’s kind of how I’ve always seen them. I have my actual ears and they can hurt and, obviously, I can still get ear infections. But since my actual ears can’t process sound, I have my cochlear implants which are my hearing ears.”

“So, they’re like hearing aids?”

“They have the same purpose but work differently,” I said. A lot of people asked me about this when they first found out that I had cochlear implants so that I could hear. “Hearing aids just amplify sounds so they can be detected by damaged ears. Cochlear implants bypass the damaged parts.”

Caitlin slowly nodded as she furrowed her brow in thought. I didn’t mind answering the questions she had for me. I never had been opposed to answering questions about my disability. But if my own teammates hadn’t realized that I had cochlear implants or what they did, I wondered how many people were unaware of my situation.

“And we all just ignored you when joined the club.”

“It hurt, yeah,” I shrugged. This time it was Caitlin’s shoulders that slumped forward. “I understood though. Outside of our little Aussie group, no one on the team had ever played with me before. And it wasn’t like I’ve exactly had a lot of experience playing with any of you either.”

“But we ignored you.”

“I couldn’t really talk to anyone,” I pointed out. It might have sucked and hurt while I was being ignored, but I had understood why I was ignored. “Sure, I could talk, but I wouldn’t have been able to understand the rest of you.”

“Ross didn’t ignore you.”

“Sadie? She knows Auslan, AKA Australian Sign Language,” I said. I had gotten better offers from other clubs, but Arsenal had already told me that they had an interpreter on staff. “Sadie is literally employed as an interpreter for me now that I’ve joined Arsenal. It just so happened that she was already an assistant coach here at Arsenal and now they’re also paying her for acting as an interpreter.”

“Oh.”

I furrowed my brow. The last thing I wanted was for Caitlin or anyone else on the team to feel like I resented them for not being able to communicate with me. Maybe if I was a kid then I would feel differently about the whole situation, but I had long ago come to terms with the fact that most people wouldn’t be able to communicate with me sometimes.

I grabbed a hold of Caitlin’s wrist as I dragged her to the locker room. I was a bit surprised when we ran into Kyra who was leaving the locker room. It was obvious that she was headed home too considering she had her bag with her.

“Back in the locker room,” I said to her. Kyra’s eyebrow shot up as she looked between me and Caitlin. I looked over her shoulder though to see that the rest of the team was in the locker room. Even our injured players who were talking with the others. “Team meeting! No one leaves until I’m done talking.”

Everyone’s eyes were drawn to me as I turned back to look at Kyra. Kyra nodded before moving back into the locker room which allowed me to drag Caitlin in. Once the locker room door was shut, I let go of Caitlin’s wrist so that she could move to sit down.

“It’s been brought to my own attention that a lot of you are more than likely unaware that I’m Deaf. I was born deaf, and I do use cochlear implants to hear,” I announced. My eyes darted around the room to see how my new teammates would react. “I also know Australian Sign Language, or Auslan. So does Sadie. I wasn’t ignoring anyone or wanted to be left alone during my first month with the club, but wearing my cochlear implants while dealing with an ear infection is quite annoying for me so I chose not to wear them. And I’ll answer any questions you ever have. I really have no problem answering questions.”

The team stayed quiet as they processed everything that I had just told them. The longer the silence went on, the more nervous it made me. I couldn’t help it as I started to fidget where I was standing with most of the team’s eyes still on me.

“So Heaslip made you take off the only thing that allowed you to hear?”

My eyes darted over to where Alessia was sitting. I hesitated for a moment before nodding in confirmation.

“I wasn’t cheating,” I repeated. Just the idea of my new teammates thinking that I had cheated made me nauseous. “And all the warnings for not stopping at the whistle? I couldn’t hear. I had to take cues from everyone else. Well, from you guys.”

My eyes turned to Kim who got up to move in front of me.

“If anyone else ever tries to make you take off your cochlear implants when you don’t want to, they’re going to have to go through all of us,” Kim assured me as she put a hand on my shoulder. “And I know that I’ll be giving you my full support in appealing the cards and any other action you wish to pursue against Heaslip or Beard.”

I sent her a small smile. It was nice to have someone who was willing to back me up so quickly. Especially considering that it seemed like the whole team had been under the impression that I was ignoring them on purpose.

“You’ve got my full support as well,” Alessia said as she stood up.

I didn’t miss how my fellow Aussies shared a look before they also stood up to declare their support. And soon after they stood up, so did the rest of the team.

I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face thanks to the support that the team was so willing to give me even though none of them truly knew me yet. It might have honestly been one of the first times that I ever truly felt like my entire team had my back.

next part

[floralcavern]

This fandom seriously just… frustrates me to the point where I’m writing this rant. 

This fandom does not understand flawed and complex characters. 

And, uh. Let’s talk about that. 

How they treat David and Exer:

The amount of bias this fandom holds for Exer and David is astounding. “Oh, the gay boys! They’re so sweet and wouldn’t hurt anyone!” (Paraphrasing, obviously, but this fandom does seriously put them on a pedestal)

When David and Exer were introduced, from very early on, they were shown to be heavily flawed characters. 

Exer is responsible for the entire story. He tricked Jackson to going to the girl’s changing room, which is what kicked off everything. Jackson getting bullied and harassed, Jackson eventually having his name cleared, Jackson not trusting the REDs, Jackson eventually learning about Exer’s powers, Exer having his powers found out, etc. This all started because Exer fucked with Jackson. He gaslit him to hell and back, he harassed him, he was jealous that Jackson was getting close with Brenda, his ex who he felt very possessive over. 

And David? David is a follower. He hears people saying “Jackson did something bad” and he immediately turned on Jackson, not hearing him out. Gossiping about him, talking shit to his face, letting people bully and harass him. And I understand that it was his sister, so he’s bound to feel more protective. But what happens when he learns it was actually Pamela who was ‘harassed’ by Jackson? He doesn’t care. 

And that moves me to David and Exer’s treatment of Pamela. Exer, like with Jackson, gaslit the shit out of her. He bullied her, called her a witch, called her creepy and a stalker and a liar. And he did this even though he knew she was right. He let people bully this poor girl to the point where she’s a loner with no friends and is picked on every day. 

I’m not saying Exer isn’t a good character. He actually has one of my favorite character arcs! But quit putting David and Exer on pedestals. Quit acting like they didn’t have any of the bad shit Jackson’s did to them coming. 

Speaking of Jackson…:

 Holy shit. This fandom is ruthless to Jackson Smith. And for no gosh damn reason. 

“He’s mean to Exer and David!”

Did you miss the whole ‘Exer and David harassing him in the same way they did to Pamela’ thing? They literally ruined all of his friendships and his social status. Jackson was just the new kid trying to fit in and they never gave him that chance. 

“He’s so emo and cringe!”

He is literally so depressed that he has to go to therapy. Exer and David bullied him so he is constantly guarded and has serious trust issues since they were his friends. 

“He’s using the diary to control Exer’s life and ruin it!”

Season 3 premier shows otherwise. He’s only testing out the diary to see what it can do. You telling me that if you didn’t have a magical diary that can control the universe centered around someone, you wouldn’t test it out? Don’t you lie to me. And he hasn’t even done anything horrible. In fact, he uses the diary as a way to try and help Exer and David after William kicked David out of the house. He may not like Exer, but he has good morals. He’s not going to let someone who is suffering be open to any harm. That’s why he used the diary to try and protect them both. And when it backfired, he decided to stop using the diary. He didn’t want anyone to get hurt or for anything bad to happen. 

“He beat up David!”

There we go again, putting Exer and David on pedestals. Guys, you’re blowing it way outta proportion. Jackson was in a fist fight with Exer, David tried to intervene and got kicked in the face. You know how people tell you don’t try to stop two dogs fighting unless you want to get bit? That’s what happened here. 

Jackson is literally just a traumatized kid. He lost his mom at a young age g age and moved to a new place and was hoping to make some new friends. His ‘friends’ immediately turn their backs on him and harass him. He learns one of them is behind everything that caused this? Ya, don’t tell me you wouldn’t be fucking pissed either. 

We are the audience. We have more insight to these character’s mind and situations than Jackson does. Put yourself into his perspective. 

Anyways, thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Make sure to pet Lucy-furr on your way out. 

[wraithdance]

Stray Dogs | GHOAP x Reader

Synopsis: You never had a problem with strays, but you should have been wary of the rabid dogs begging to be leashed.

Pairing: Johnny x Avoidant!reader | eventual Ghoap x Avoidant!reader Note: AFAB!Reader, No physical description but reader has background story, no y/n use or gender terms for reader, Reader is LGBT (Bisexual) Content warning: Mature | brief mentions of childhood trauma, avoidant personality, therapy and allusions to mental health issues, passive thoughts of death

Prologue: Foxy Leaves

You told your new therapist that you like putting things into categories because it was fun.

It was half a lie, minuscule really and not enough to be of consequence. You suppose you could have been honest and said the process of grouping things made the endless dread you lived in just a little bit easier.

But you didn’t really like the pitying look Dr. Sanchez gave you when she went over your intake questionnaire. She’d looked down her glasses while you numbly repeated the same spiel about ‘what brings you to cognitive therapy’ that you’d been giving for the last decade. 

You’d google her practice on your lunch break scrolling through the reviews and stuffing the last of your sandwich in your cheeks. In your car before the first session you silently prayed to the empty space that this time you could stick with her long enough to fix you.

You doubt it though because her bob bounces as she nods to your explanation of ‘The Chasm’ and how it came to be. The way that it bounces as she hums, being sure to signify her active listening. It really pisses you off. 

The familiar sense of despair boils hot when you realize that even though this is an unfamiliar office half way across from town, she’s giving you the look. The one of interest, like she wants to crack open your skull and observe your chaotic wiring in hopes to understand what your fucking problem is.

It’s the same one every other therapist has given you since you were old enough to inevitably stop showing up to mandatory sessions without consequence. 

It’s so habitually intolerable that you have a 'Therapist breakup’ text in your notes draft on your phone. It's simple, clinical, contains something vague about not thinking you were compatible as a client. It’s usually enough to keep them from doing a wellness check (or worse a call to your emergency contact.) 

When you’re done talking, Dr. Sanchez reaches for your hand in some gratuitous act of extending comfort. Her cold fingers and the sensation of her half rubbed in hand cream, makes you want to vomit. It must not show on your face because she keeps talking and squeezing your hand.

“I think that it’s brave of you to come in and I think we can work on some of your goals.” She pauses accessing you before she says the thing that signs the death of your therapeutic relationship.

“Do you also want to work on mending the relationship with your parents?”

You ignore the receptionist when she asks if you want to make a follow up appointment. You’re combing through your drafts to find the breakup text when you think that you’re glad you lied about the category thing. Your control issues are yours, precious and responsible for your ability to focus on anything but the heavy weight of being. So fuck her and her stupid fucking bob.

Her contact gets blocked as soon as the message reads delivered.

When you were anxious the familiarity of nature documentaries, specifically the ones about apex predators, were a comfort. Duckie, your best friend of nine years, had been squeamish the first time she watched one of your favorites with you.

It was about big cats in the wilds. The man with the Aussie accent narrated with excitement that belied the violence of seeing a lioness take down a gazelle. From behind the safety of your throw pillow Duckie asked why you like watching stuff like that. You shrugged like you didn’t have an answer.

You did though.

It’s because predators in the wild didn’t hide what they were. They didn’t need to pretend to be anything but carnivorous and survival driven. Would never think to explain to the gazelle that they were sorry for hurting you, but they couldn’t help themself.

It would be even more insulting than being eaten alive. 

You’re relieved when the lioness finishes the gazelle off, letting out a small sigh of 'finally' that earns you a wide eyed look from Duckie. The death was quick and even if the gazelle didn’t realize it, she was lucky. You’ve been on the end of an explanation for harm and wished you’d have the mercy of death instead.

But you couldn’t tell Duckie that. So instead you tease her about being a big baby.

For a few years now you’ve gotten into the habit of assigning everyone you meet an animal that reminds you of them. It satisfied both of your interests and it was fun. It’s how Duckie got her nickname. She’d crowed over the cuteness and tried to hug you before you threatened to bite her if she touched you.

It didn't matter the amount of time you'd known a person you grouped them. The scrawny teenager at the local Tesco was Giraffe kid, The high pitched woman next door with the ugly dog, Chihuahua.

You’re looking at your girlfriend of 3 months, Foxy, thinking how the name works for her better than Taylor does. 

She’s beautiful even while spitting vitriol as she packs her Telfar bag to the brim with stray items she left behind at your apartment. 

When she flicks her hair over a tanned shoulder you’re distracted, remembering how it felt when you gripped the long strands that morning, holding her still and demanding to be kissed. Instead of the soft look she wore then, she’s openly glaring at you now. You know your face is doing the blank thing she hates because she searches it for something. You suppose she doesn’t find whatever that something is because she’s yelling again.

“You make it so FUCKING hard to love you and I can’t do this anymore.”

You're frozen, caught off guard with the remote to the television still in hand as the nature documentary drones on. The ‘what?’ you blurt out is one of genuine confusion, you'd both been cuddled on the couch talking before whatever this was came to be. You wrack your mind trying to remember what the last thing you said was and come up blank. To your embarrassment, you'd been on autopilot the whole morning, so there is a gap in your memories.

Taylor, upon your continued silence makes a sound that can only be described as a screech.

“You always have an excuse why I can’t meet your parents!” She cries exasperatedly, “If you’re ashamed of me I’d rather you just say that over leading me on for God’s sake!”

Your body flinches only slightly when she throws her hands up. You’re still defensive when you bite out a sharp rebuttal that makes her frown and drop your spare key on the coffee table. You don't admit to yourself that you can't remember exactly what you say over the cotton in your ears and the dark corners that sink into your neck at the first display of conflict.

It still stings when she leaves though. You spend the next day crying under your blankets, the pillow she slept on still smells like her perfume. The scent clean and floral, one you'd gotten used to seeking out when you did the laundry.

Fuck, you really did like Foxy. But you suppose you’re going to have to call her Taylor now that she's your ex-girlfriend.  

Duckie laughs at Taylor’s comment when you tell her over brunch. Your effervescent friend’s giggle tumbles out of her uncontrollably, whilst her mimosa in hand, threatens to spill in her lap. She slaps a hand over her mouth when a loud snort escapes against her will. She shoots an apologetic smile to the couple at the table adjacent to yours when they ask her to keep it down. 

You glare until they turn back to their lunch.

Duckie straightens when she takes in your stiff form, having finally realized she’d stepped on a landmine and right into your ire.

“Darling, you certainly don't make it easy to be close to you, you're a bit…” 

She pauses in thought, shifting her glasses on her nose and placing the glass flute down on the table. Today her spectacles are fire engine red with rhinestones on the brim. You’d asked her if she was nearsighted or farsighted once and she’d told you the lenses weren’t prescription. She only wore them to seem a bit older and worldlier when out and about.

 You don't like how long it takes for her to search for an adjective and say so when she still doesn’t finish her sentence after several moments. 

“I just mean that you're purposely closed off,” She makes a panic flapping movement with her hands when your eyes narrow even more “Oh come on! You like it that way!”

“Duckie, what are you talking about?” You grit between your teeth. 

You're pushing your half eaten club sandwich out of the way to lean across the table, waiting to hear her explanation. You’d lost your appetite.

Duckie shirks from your unblinking leer and sniffs indignantly. 

“It took me nearly a year to get you to call me your friend and I swear I still feel like I don’t know you.” she gives you a pointed look, “If it weren't for the fact that you’re like that to everyone, I’d think you hated me sometimes, so I really do have to empathize with Taylor in this one.” 

She’s waiting for you to say something, you can tell by the way she brings her shoulders up to her ears as if gearing for some great big reaction.

But, that wasn’t your style, never had been. So you still don’t know what’s expected of you. To negate her statement? 

You suppose you could tell her that's absurd, she was your best friend in every way. Had been since the day she’d laughed at one of your more tasteless jokes during an intro to Psychology class in undergrad. You were softer for Duckie, more than you were- well really anyone. 

Your own mother only knew enough about you to identify you on a morgue table if it ever came down to it. But you don’t tell her that.

Instead you do what you do best. You leave.

You’re pushing up from the table gathering your purse and throwing back the last of your mimosa like a tequila shot, before you can think twice about it.

Duckie tries to reach out to you but you flinch from her touch. 

“Wait Darling, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, please don't go!”

“I’m just going to the ladies.” you mumble flatly over your shoulder. At least that's what you hope comes out because your throat is closing up with the effort to hold back the stupid tears in your eyes. 

You slam into the restroom startling the barista applying lipstick in the mirror. Her owlish eyes take one look at your dark expression and she pops the top back on her lipstick, skirting past you. You check to make sure the bathroom was truly empty before locking yourself in the biggest stall.

As soon as the lock clicks the dam breaks and it makes you so angry it hurts. The level of intensity of your crying is absolutely repulsive. Your jaw aches with the efforts to muffle the sobs that thrum through your body like a struck chord.

You’re pacing the small enclosure with tears running down your face, feeling like the lioness in the nature documentary after it’d been captured. You feel the gut punch of self loathing as soon as the thought comes up. It's insulting to compare yourself to the deadly beast when you’re trying not to get snot on your dress sleeves. 

Duckie comes to the restroom after a while tapping on the stall door, begging you to open up.

You feel only half guilty when you tell her to fuck off. She’s quiet for a while and you know she stands with only the thin door between you, you can see her colorful converses from beneath the gap in the door. 

You want to let her in. Figuratively. Literally. 

What a relief it would be to just let her crawl into the hole you’ve made at rock bottom and let her be there with you. 

You want to laugh imagining her taking the time to do that rocking thing she does when she's trying to get comfortable in the decorative chair in your office. You always remind her it was meant for aesthetics, not comfort when she huffs out the same grouchy complaint about the hardness. She scoffs in mock offense anyways. 

“Really Darling, you make enough money to get rid of this thing. Ooh let me send you the link to the bean bag I saw on Wayfair, one sec!”

You’re still crying when you consider that she's really the only person who makes the effort to visit you at the office.

Or anywhere really. 

You'd gotten accustomed to only hearing from your family when there was a crisis or need for quick cash to keep them afloat. 

If you weren’t stuffing tissues into your running nose you’d scoff at the thought of your parents caring, much less visiting. They were still content to be fuck ups well into their retirement age. You’d long stopped bothering to call to make sure they were still alive after the first year of college. 

Maybe if you told Taylor that she would have stayed.

The emotional despair rot you call ‘The Chasm’ deepens and you question if you’d ever really gotten used to the loneliness of having no parent to turn to. The years of casual disdain and dismissal. The resentment for being half a child and reluctant third parent to children that weren’t yours. Their desire for all of you and none of you and back again in an endless loop. 

Ceaseless demands of a gluttonous beast you could never please, even when you’ve flayed yourself bare. 

It stings, the reminder that you’d been living on scraps and toughness disguised as love long before you met Duckie. Long before Foxy- Taylor- or even the parade of friends and disappointed exes, who’d simply had enough of whatever caustic matter made you, you. 

Yet, Duckie is the only one who keeps coming back. Time again she comes back to your side with a smile, like she likes to be with you. Like watching nature shows with you on the couch, eating whatever snacks she brings because she knows you forget to eat, acting like it’s the highlight of her day. Never an inconvenience to care for you the way others had said it was. It makes you cry harder until you can’t breathe because you’re trying not to let her hear you.

Duckie in all her color and too big glasses, has always acted as if she can see that weak part of you peeking out from behind the thorns and quick rebuttals bordering on mean. She still stands waiting for you even now, even when you told her to fuck off in public restroom at your favorite brunch cafe. 

It’s staring at the graffiti-ed dick on the stall door when you think you can honestly say you love her and it hurts your feelings that she doesn't know that. 

You think you can be honest and tell her that it’s not about Foxy or even Duckie’s laugh at your expense. It’s about the revolving door of disappointment that still keeps you up at night. That landed you under the microscope on a a faceless therapist's couch for emergency sessions and the mementos of non-slip socks in your dresser drawers.

The half guilt turns into full fledged self loathing just thinking about how you really needed to get a cushion for your office and let her in. After a beat you think you’re in control of your crying enough to reach for the lock inside the stall. Of course, as always the universe is having a laugh at your expense. 

“Darling, I'm going to go back to the table now okay?” 

You know she's making that nervous face scrunch she does when she’s anxious, waiting for you to reply. You can’t, you’re frozen in place as always. 

“Don't want them to think we skipped the tab, so just come back when you feel a bit better, yeah?”  

She says something about her getting the bill and you can talk when you come back. You don’t hear her really because ‘The Chasm’ calls to you first. You keep it together long enough until the scuffling sounds of her shoes quiet before allowing the tide to take you under again. 

Eventually, when you’ve stuffed the feelings back into the pit, you’re able to leave the stall. You never go back to the table. Texting Duckie a simple ‘sorry’ along with a money transfer for your portion of brunch. You leave the restaurant for the safety of your home, wondering if this will be enough for her to leave you too. 

You half hope it is because it was exhausting loving someone else.

An hour later there's a timid knock on your apartment door. It’s opening to peer down at a shuffling Duckie on your steps, with flowers and the expensive bottle of wine you like, that you know that it’s not. Enough to keep her from coming back that is. 

She follows you inside like a chick behind its mother and toes off her sneakers in the hall next to your rows of shoes. She takes your general wave her way as a sign of ‘go ahead’ when she asks if she can put the flowers in water. 

You’re sitting on the couch with your knees to your chest, staring listlessly at the nature channel. You know Duckie is taking in your bare face and faux casualness. You know you look pathetic in your too big hoodie and headscarf. You at least hope you've gotten enough of your makeup off to not look like a drowned raccoon.

'Pathetic', The Chasm says.

Duckie carefully tiptoes over your outstretched legs to scrunch herself small on the other end of the couch. After a few episodes of the documentary, this one about penguins, she slowly makes her way to your side and cautiously gives you a half hug and a tearful apology.

“I’m sorry for being a bitch, I shouldn’t have laughed.” She doesn’t turn from the t.v's glow. You’re secretly thankful she doesn’t look at you because you’re embarrassed for crying again. 

With gentle prodding she asks you to tell her how you really feel about Taylor leaving. You tell her. You also tell her about your parents and why it was such a big deal introducing Taylor to them. It’s more than you’ve admitted to any therapist and she has the foresight to not make it a thing.

Duckie just hums quietly, listening. As she sleeps on your shoulder, drool wetting your sleeve, you think you can carve her a spot beside you in rock bottom. Maybe another inside the space where your heart should be, just big enough for one. It’ll just be you and Duckie for as long as she wants it that way. You’re satisfied with the thought, drinking the last of the wine.

As always nothing you ever want matters for very long.

Because Soap doesn’t give you a choice when he barrages into your life and demands you make additional space for him and his stray dog.

Masterlist | Next >>

[soshadysoquiet]

TUA S4 alternative options for the Five *event*

Spoilers below, not meant to be taken seriously FYI

Now, I like my Five as AroAce as I am (extremely). But given that TV shows and society has this bullshit propaganda that 'romantic love simply Must occur for a complete being!!' Here's some alternatives that they could have gone for that might have been just as bad but I'd have hated less. (BTW no hate if you write romantic Five Fanfic, not for me but you do you, just wanted this one character to be safe from canon romance)

Bring The Handler back: That would be one fucked up relationship, don't get me wrong, but given they wrote a destined-to-be-fucked romance, have Five struggling to adapt and being coerced into a relationship by her and then realising it's shady and he DOESN'T need this sort of connection because his FAMILY is enough for him and have him kill her.

Make him and his colleague have a thing. True, potentially also problematic as mentally depending on your POV he's 60 or 13 or some mingle-mangled nightmare of the two. In the favour of this pairing I have only that I liked (was it Derek??'s) character design, they've clearly got some similar interests as they work together, they will have therefore spent some quality time together in a Safe space where they could have made a reasonable connection.

Dolores is real in this timeline, or Five somehow birthed her into being. (honestly I thought his colleague was going to turn out to be Dolores and of all the possibilities I would have accepted that the most) For this to work I think Dolores would have needed to be one of the 43 all along and maybe someone who can transplant their consciousness who did similar to Five and got stuck like that, went comatose and mad with it (therefore staying around 13) until Five found her. There, with that, you can fudge around the problematic age thing, they grew up side by side. Thus she and Five really did have a connection, really could talk, and now he gets to live into his old age with someone both mentally and physically the same age as him.

Give him a therapy dog in Pennycrumb that's better than a romance surely who doesn't love a pet?

Kenny's Mom. Idk it would have been whacked AF but I would have laughed my head off and know Five had just lost the plot completely.

He falls in love with another version of himself he meets on the subway. Hell, why not make this a Five that changed gender in the apocalypse and met a mannequin named Donnie, that way we also get more queer representation. Yes, this would also, in fact, be weird AF. But legit hilarious and someone who can match his experience and intelligence. And age.

Let him just have one night stands, that's midway happy right for TV? Just don't make me watch any intimate scenes. You have a Whole other cast, use them. Hell, be brave, do a Klaus / Dave Ghost sexscapade instead.

He has re-found mannequin Dolores. Man has never dealt with his issues that we know of - the show never tells us he does. I thought when they first turned up in the apocalypse from the trains and the sunlight was shining on Dolores that Five was going to steal her. But he could also have just found her again because he couldn't cope.

I think that's exhausted all my awful joke options (though honestly the Dolores two aren't even that bad) would love to hear which your favourite out of these awful options is.

Please reblog for votes, I'm having way too much fun here.

[chocoloveaatcocoalovea]

Sweetened Interruption

mammon x reader, crack, fluff, tickle fights, kissing

Mammon and you relax in the HOL but then a tickle fight break out between the two of you.

Today was an uneventful day.

Contrary to popular belief, the House of Lamentations did have some off days, if you could call them that. They were just... rare. Extremely rare.

Well, you did have to try to wrestle Beel away from the fridge. And stop Solomon from 'helping' the angels cook. And calm Luke down because somebody called him the dog name that started with a C. And... scratch that, today was quite possibly at most, ordinary at a minimum level.

And yet, you treasured these moments a great deal; after all most of the time you were either giving therapy to god's problem children or caught up in both godly and devildom magical, supernatural drama.

So, to be just lying on the bed, having a slow day with Mammon? That was basically a dream come true.

Mammon was reading a comic book on his bed, pillow propped behind his back and humming a little tune as he leisurely scrolled through the pages.

You sat up on the bed with a yawn. You were bored. Sleepy. You needed something to do. Trying to count pink sheep to fall asleep didn't work so not knowing what to do, you dragged yourself towards Mammon.

You moved his hands so you can rest your head on his lap, then tried to cover your eyes and face with the jacket he was wearing; the lights were a little too bright in this part of the room.

However, it was short and you failed miserably and in the process, saw Mammon's concentrated look as he was reading the comic book.

A hint of pink was dusted on his cheeks - goodness, this man knew you liked him and he liked you but still blushed like a teenager with a crush. How fricking damn loveable.

You smiled at his reaction and flapped the two sides of the open jacket, meddling and playing with them like they were a toy.

" . . . "

You let out a content sigh at the cozy silence.

"What are you doing?" Mammon asked in a teasing lilt.

Though your face was covered by the jacket, you could hear the grin in his voice.

You heard him put his book on the bed, to his side.

You said nothing, just continued flapping the jacket with a happy smile, like you were a bat and they were your wings.

"Yer weird, ya know?" Mammon said, gently tracing the smile lines on your cheek with one hand.

This is nice, you thought to yourself.

"It's like a tent. For your face. Head," you said, tugging the lapels of the jacket close to show him your 'weird' logic.

Mammon shook his head with a chuckle, picking the comic book from the page he left off and continuing to read.

You jabbed a finger onto his side.

Poke.

Poke. Poke.

Poke. Poke. Poke.

Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

"Ehe."

Mammon's smile fell once he realized you both heard the sound that escaped from him.

Oh boy. Uh oh.

With a menacing smile growing on your face, you positively tackled him to the bed.

Before Mammon could choke out a protest, you grinned at him, delighted giggles bubbling up from your lips as you tickled his sides. The maroon sheets under you both rustled with the demon's frantic movements to escape from you.

"AHAHAHAHAH- TREASURE, NO- STOP TICKLE-"

You did not stop.

"No, no, no, wait- "

Laughter.

"Stop!"

More laughter.

Mammon, still writhering on the bed like a worm trying to swim, tried to tackle you and probably, tickle you too.

"Eek."

He didn't succeed but fell from his bed onto the wooden floor with a thud.

"Aaah!"

"Oh my- "

Initial shock turned to worry as you rushed to his side.

"ARE YOU OK?"

"Got you!" Mammon said, impish smile growing, wrapping you in his arms and tickling your sides.

"Oh, please, no- "

You were now giggling uncontrollably.

"Hey! Hey, no, wait- "

"Nope."

You tried to escape but your efforts were in vain. You were guffawing, flailing your arms desperately like some odd creature, struggling miserably, until...

Until... you had an idea.

You kissed Mammon.

The hands that were tickling your sides rested on your waist as Mammon leaned into the kiss.

At first you were giggling. Then you relaxed, both of you melting into the embrace.

"Hmmm." Mammon sighed out once you parted, "That's not going to work."

"It already did," you said cheekily.

And just like that, you turned to leave.

Mammon gaped at you. His face turned pink, perhaps from the boldness you just displayed.

"You can't just do that and leave!"

You, like the mature adult you are, stuck your tongue out.

"Watch me."

"You know what?" Brows furrowed and deep in thought, Mammon stared at the floor, as if debating himself.

When he saw you walking away, he snapped out of it and caught up to you.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do not," Mammon huffed, standing beside you with folded arms.

"What?" you asked innocently.

"Where are you going? "

Your response was a shrug and nonchalant hum.

"You can't just leave!"

"Why not?"

"Cause- "

Creases in your eyes from the smug smile, you took this as an opportunity to plant a kiss on his lips again, leaving him breathless when you were done.

Mammon blinked owlishly. He was still trying to realize what just happened, mouth still slightly agape slightly from disbelief.

You just smiled, waved your hand with a 'Bye!' like he usually did and turned to leave.

Mammon let out something between a groan and a whine. With a gentle yank of your hand, you were back in his arms again, him pressing your lips together a little forcefully in mild frustration, then breaking the kiss but instantly pressing your lips back together, the gestures so soft, so gentle but leaving you breathless nonetheless.

Mammon stroked your cheek before you parted from another kiss and as he cupped your face he spoke softly, blue eyes starstruck and golden, "You can't leave now."

"I thought you wanted to finish the comics?" You asked, giving him an amused look and tilting your head in the direction the book laid.

After a mischievous shake of his head and a chuckle, Mammon leaned in close to you and whispered softly, "This is better."

And with that reply, he connected your lips once more, silencing your smug laughter with his sweet kiss.

heart divider - @/kimjiho1

heart gif - @/pastelwalks

support divider - @/benkeibear

[growing-home]

i spent nearly two decades of my life severely depressed and suicidal and for so long i believed wholeheartedly that it was my fault. i believed that the reason no medication or therapy had ever worked for my depression was because i wasn’t ACTUALLY depressed— i believed i was just lazy, bad, manipulative, and just using depression as an excuse for the inherent badness i thought was inside me. this was a story that was told to me and reinforced over and over again by treatment providers.

this past summer, i tried my 30th+ psychiatric medication, not expecting to see any results. the day i realized it was working was the day i realized that i was…planning my future???suddenly i no longer wanted to stay in bed all day and never go outside. i no longer wanted to isolate. i wanted to see people, talk to people! i started spending more time with friends and facetiming people and talking on the phone, things that i rarely did in the past. when i had been depressed, the only movies/tv shows i could focus on were super intense, fast paced, and scary or disturbing because that was the only way to hold my attention. after starting this medication, i started enjoying SITCOMS! i no longer felt like i was fighting to just get through every single day of my life.

there was such a clear and measurable difference in the quality of my life that i started to question why i believed that my depression had been my fault. it became very clear to me that a large part of my depression had been biological. i had not been lazy or bad. i had been sick. my brain was sick the same way other organs get sick sometimes. this brought up a lot of grief for me— grief for all the lost time that i’d spent trying to find something that worked, grief for how much pain i had been in for so long. but it also brought up sheer FURY at all of the therapists and psychiatrists who had treated me like i just wasn’t trying hard enough to get better.

i had been labeled treatment resistant, of course, and the only recommendations i had received after being given that label were TMS, Ketamine, and ECT. once i had tried all three with no success, i believed i was just a lost cause. i thought i was out of options. i was made to feel that way by so many treatment professionals. i was told that nothing was working because of my complex trauma and that once i healed from that then i would stop being depressed (as if it’s that easy to just fully recover from CPTSD!) i was told that i just needed to do more DBT, i just needed to live and breathe DBT skills and then i would get better, even though i’d done intensive DBT programs for years with no improvement to my depression. (yes, it helped me to change my behavior and quit self harm, but behavior change isn’t necessarily indicative of a change in mood. i could do all the right things all the time and still be in excruciating mental pain.)

i was told that i just wasn’t trying hard enough, or that i must have a personality disorder, or that i just needed to exercise more, or eat less, or eat MORE, or eat differently, or get a job, or get a dog, or do yoga, or acupuncture, or biofeedback, or find purpose in my life— psychiatrist after psychiatrist looked for something to blame everywhere but in the mirror. instead of admitting that they weren’t equipped to help me, they made me believe that it was MY fault i wasn’t getting better. and i believed them. for SO long, i believed them.

and now after finding a medication that works for me, i see everything so much more clearly. psychiatrists need to put their enormous egos aside and actually treat patients with treatment resistant depression instead of blaming us for suffering from a (partially at least) biological illness. if you’re a doctor and you know that a patients illness is outside of the scope of your abilities, either do more research and get more training to help them or refer them to someone who specializes in what they need. don’t keep them around letting them pay you thousands of dollars while you make them try the same thing over and over and over again and expect to get a different result. people act like things like ECT are a last resort option, and in doing so make people believe that if it doesn’t help then you’re out of options. but nobody ever tried me on tricyclics. nobody tried me on MAOIs. nobody told me about how some dopamine agonists like Pramipexole have had some success in treating treatment resident depression. instead i was made to feel like asking to not be suicidal daily was asking for too much. if you’re a clinician who thinks that’s asking for too much, you’re in the wrong profession. we can do better than that. we NEED to do better than that.

in my experience, out of every profession, doctors have some of the biggest egos i’ve ever seen. i say this as someone who is both mentally ill as well as physically disabled. many doctors HATE it when you do your own research. they HATE it when you have suggestions, or when you ask for what you need. it’s almost as if they feel threatened by it, like they need to believe that they are superior to their patients because of how much time and money and energy they put into going to med school— they need to believe they hate their hard work was worth it so they have a tendency to dismiss any ideas their patients might have. i don’t care how many years you’ve been in school. you do not get to tell your sick patients that it’s their fault they’re sick to justify your laziness and refusal to learn new things. put away your god complex and actually listen to your patients.

and the strangest part to me is that the longer you have been suicidal for, the less seriously they take it. the same way that the more chronically ill you are the less people believe you. it’s bizarre— when people see pain that is beyond what they can fathom, instead of feeling empathy, they tell you you must be faking it or that you must be looking for attention. i’ll never understand this. it’s as if they think that suicidality doesn’t need to be taken seriously unless the patient has successfully completed suicide. and i think it’s very clear how that logic is flawed. i was treated like i just wanted attention whenever i asked for help with my chronic suicidality and it made me terrified to ask for help with ANYTHING. i still constantly am afraid that if i’m too honest with clinicians then they’ll think i just want attention. attention isn’t a bad thing to want, all human beings need some degree of attention, but regardless that doesn’t negate the severity of a person’s suicidality. i wasn’t attention seeking by asking for help. i was STRONG. i was really fucking strong, far stronger than i should’ve had to be. i fought for my life every single day and i am lucky to still be here but it’s not luck that got me here. it’s ME that got me here.

i don’t want to make it sound like i speak for everyone who has suffered from TRD, because i don’t think that would be fair. i can’t tell you if there’s a med out there that’ll work for you. all i can tell you is that most psychiatrists prematurely tell chronically suicidal patients that there is nothing they can do to help them or that they’re out of medication options. if you’re a psychiatrist or doctor and you feel yourself getting defensive while reading this, i invite you to get curious about where that activation is coming from.

and if you are someone with treatment resident depression or chronic suicidality reading this, i am telling you now: your illness is not your fault. i don’t know if it’s going to get better or not, but i can promise you— it is not your fault and it never has been.

[camille-lachenille]

I’ve been rotating the potential of elves coming back wrong from Mandos, like missing chunks of memory, or with some traits of their personality completely changed, bc try as they want, the Valar just can’t get Elves right when healing them. And I was thinking about the many, many fanons about Lindir’s backstory.

So I mashed the two ideas together

Finrod died in… extremely traumatic circumstances, to use an euphemism, and the Valar found they couldn’t heal him while he kept these memories. So they erased them. Only, whoever did the erasing went a little too strong on it bc they didn’t know how to dose their power for an Elf. And Finrod got re-embodied a little too soon, and was lost bc he didn’t know who were these people around him calling him by names he didn’t know, in a language he didn’t understand.

He knows two things: he likes singing, and he wants to get back home, over the sea.

So Lindir smuggles himself on a ship leaving for the War or Wrath, and just kind of bumbles his way through the whole thing without understanding what it happening. Círdan and Gil-Galad recognise him, so they take him under their protection and set him in charge of the women and children in a refugees camp bc Lindir can’t fight but he sings the best lullabies and loves kids.

At some point, Lindir befriends Elrond, who feels strangely familiar in many ways, and he ends up following him around like a happy, singing shadow. Elrond is put into the secret of Lindir’s real identity and he starts working even harder in his healer studies.

Over the centuries, Elrond manages to help Lindir recover some memories from his first life, though only the happy ones. Lindir forgot Barahir and Beren, forgot all the grief and loss he felt after the passing of Bëor and his other mortal friends, hence the reason why he is so confused by mortals in FOTR. He still loves singing, and regains his taste for jewellery and clothes, and Elrond is only too happy to indulge him.

Eventually, Lindir meets Galadriel, and even tough he can’t reconcile the faint memories of little Artanis clinging to him with sticky hands with the lady in front of him, they become fast friends and Lindir spoils Celebrían rotten bc he’s an uncle!!!

And when time comes to Sail, Lindir follows Elrond like he always has since the end of the First Age, but this time he remembers the family waiting for him in Valinor, even though he still struggles to think of them as his family.

The first thing Elrond does when he sets foot in Valinor, after kissing Celebrían silly, is to walk straight for the Ring of Doom with Lindir and a gaggle of Very Angry Relatives in tow to scream at the Valar with the whole power of the Voice he inherited from Lúthien and trained with Maglor, until the Valar fix Lindir. Galadriel gets to do her scary show too, as a treat.

It takes some time but then the Valar manage to put the memories back into Finrod and he’s as fixed as he can be. He also gets intensive therapy and Huan as a service dog bc 6000 years not being himself are a bit traumatising, but he’s mostly fine at the end of the day.

[lymtw]

It Could Have Been Great

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x f!reader

Content: NSFW, Angst, Fluff

Content Warnings: 18+ themes, Reader almost crashes to save a dog, crying, talk about Satoru being husband material, mentions of having children, kissing, fingering, clitoral stimulation, major downfall, 18+ themes x2 for those that missed the first one ;)

Word Count: 2.1k

Description: The beautiful ups and the terrible downs that came with being Gojo’s favorite person.

You and Gojo were set to live happily ever after the moment you agreed to be his girlfriend. He was as good as a boyfriend could be—husband material by the end of your first month together. He took care of you, but didn’t underestimate your ability to take care of yourself, and vice-versa.

It was a lucky first shot because he was your first boyfriend. You met in high school, and though you weren’t his first girlfriend, he always said that his love life didn’t start until you showed up. You put a bar up where one didn’t exist, and he never looked back and compared what he had before, to what he had then.

Gojo had never been more ready to marry you than when you came home crying one day.

You were driving home, singing along to the song that blasted in your car when suddenly a dog ran into the road. You braked instantly, turning the car in the opposite direction of where the dog was running, almost hitting another car in the process. You got honked at, but it didn’t matter because the dog got away scot-free. You lost the ability to breathe for a few seconds and your brain felt like mush, and in all the fear you felt in that moment, you broke down. You were glad that you were only three minutes away from home when it happened.

The minute you walked in with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, Gojo was by your side.

“Hey, talk to me. Are you hurt?” He walked you to the couch, sitting down with you. He noticed the shakiness of your hands as he held them in his. “Baby, don’t make me dig. What happened?”

You took a shaky deep breath, exhaling to get your emotions in order.

“I almost ran over a dog on my way home.”

Gojo’s hand comes to a halt while he’s drying your tears. He looks at you, not knowing if you were being serious or not.

“It ran into the road while I was driving and I had to brake so fast, if I had kept driving a second later I would have hit it. I-I almost hit a car, and it honked at me. Fuck,” you lose your breath as you recount the story, your eyes getting watery again.

Gojo releases the breath he was holding since you walked through the door, his shoulders losing the tension that had built up in all the worry.

“God.” He immediately pulls you into his arms, a much needed, suffocating embrace enveloping you. He smothers your face with kisses, the saltiness of fresh tears on his palate. “You scared me to death there, honey. I thought somebody hurt you.”

“I can’t have a dog’s life on my conscience, ‘toru. I would need decades of therapy to even begin to forget about it.”

He cradles you in his arms, his eyes closed, and a smile on his face as he holds you like you’re all that matters in the world.

“I love you. I love that you worry so much over the life of an animal—one that is still living, at that. I love that you even did what you could to save it,” he murmurs. “But, please, be careful at all times. I don’t know what would become of me if I lost you.” He chuckles, lightheartedly.

Gojo was best at one thing and that was making you feel loved. He proposed two weeks after the incident, claiming that he wanted to break the seal on the love he had stored for when you promised to spend an eternity with him. If you felt loved as his girlfriend, you had no idea of the adoration that came with being his wife.

There were occasional talks of children, but you both decided that there was no room for them in your relationship. It would be selfish to bring a child into the world together, knowing that you would not love them as much as you love each other. You decided to wait for your hearts to make more room in order for children to be a possibility in the future.

Gojo was very good at tending to your needs. Your very occasional material needs—a new dress for date night, or maybe a new bottle of perfume because he had a habit of spraying it everywhere when you were away, claiming that your essence would suffice until you returned.

Your intimate needs were also met, frequently. Gojo was clingy, and he couldn’t sleep unless you laid next to him. Sometimes, sleep was the last thing he wanted as he laid next to you in bed.

“Baby,” he whispers, his index finger tracing your spine above your shirt.

“Hm?” You hum, still not turning towards him.

“Baby,” he repeats, this time as a mumble into your ear. He leeches himself onto your back, his chest warm against you.

“Yes, ‘toru?” You respond, verbally, this time.

“My pretty baby,” he continues. His hand makes its way beneath the front of your oversized shirt, stopping just below to play with the elastic band of your underwear. His lips make contact with the nape of your neck, and though he's desperate to see the effect of his ministrations against your body, he didn't want to dive in and give you what you wanted so easily.

His hand moved upward, riding up your warm stomach until he reaches your breasts. “You’re so warm.” He cups one of your them, gently rubbing your nipple with his thumb until it quickly hardens. You loved how big his hands were, easily squeezing what attracted them like you were insentient.

“You’re so perfect, baby. I could never get enough of you, even if I have every bit of you all to myself.” He sees the curl of your lips from the side. “I’m not sharing you. You’re mine.”

This made you giggle. He was getting possessive and all his actions pointed to one goal.

He pulled his hand out of your shirt, using it to pull down your shorts and underwear. You felt his breath against the nape of your neck when his hand made contact with your cunt. “Oh. Were you expecting this?” Your wetness coated his fingertips instantly. “Were you expecting me to touch you?” He rubbed your clit, the feeling making your stomach tremble.

“Maybe. U-Uh, yes,” you admitted when a finger dipped inside you.

“I’m not that predictable, am I?” He asked, kisses applied to what was accessible of your neck.

“Not at all, but you would never leave me hanging, would you?” You rolled your hips slowly against his fingers, your ass doing something for the hard-on Gojo was sporting in his sweats.

“You tell me how many orgasms you want, and I’ll get you there.” He went silent for a second to hear your heavy breathing. “Only the best for my love.”

You gasped, your hand gripping his forearm as your first orgasm washed over you. A little whimper escaped you, and you trembled against him, his fingers vacating you.

He flipped you onto your back, wanting to give you more.

“Wanna fuck?” He asked, a grin on his face.

“You make it sound so dirty.” You chuckle.

“We rarely make love, sweetie, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“You’re too impatient.”

“Is it a crime to want you to scream my name?” He sat on his knees between your legs, a clear view of your pussy from under your long shirt in this position.

“Your name can sound sexy even if I don’t scream it.” You smile up at him as he leans towards you, his face inches away from you.

“Prove it.”

After that night, you and Gojo made love two out of the five times you were intimate in a week. He discovered something amazing, the softness of your voice when he built you up and let you melt down on him. It was melodic and intriguing. It made him wonder how thin the line between your angelic self and the sacrilegious version of you was. Sometimes he liked to push you, just to see if he could have both in one session.

In all of these wonderful experiences with Gojo, there were dreadful ones as well. At some point there was more bad than good going on between you and him. There were just so many times when you had to walk away from him just to make sure you and him would sleep in the same home that night. He did what he thought was best as well, meaning sometimes he would sleep on the couch because he couldn’t risk having to bite back words that weren’t intentionally meant to hurt you when you were being inconsiderate.

Dinner with Gojo progressively went quiet. If anything, you would talk about how work went, responding with hums of acknowledgement for lack of words. You would often zone out and think back to when you would feed each other off of your own plates, even if you were having the same thing. It occupies the silence that lingers between you two, which is more comfortable when you can’t even look at each other.

Gojo decided enough was enough and made sure to find a time for both of you to talk about what happened, and where things were going. The conversation was a difficult one. For gods sake, he was the love of your life for years, and suddenly things were burnt out.

“Maybe we spent our love too quickly.”

“How is that even possible, Satoru? We’re supposed to love each other with every ounce of our souls.”

It was so strange to hear you say his name in that tone. You haven’t called him baby in months.

Even if things didn’t look so good for you guys, it was hard for Gojo to see your nervous mannerisms while talking to him. You kept fidgeting with your hands and picking at your nails. At some point he had to stop you, holding your hands in his own.

“I don’t know, but i’m trying here. I don’t know what to do.” His eyes may be good, but they lack a clear view of the future.

“Is this us forfeiting?” You look at him, glossy eyes reflecting his image.

“Don’t make me decide. How would you feel if I had asked you that first?” His voice threatens to reveal the pit of sadness he’s feeling in his gut, but nonetheless he finds his composure in order to move forward in the conversation.

“We need to do what’s best for us, Satoru. If our love is dead, we can’t keep living amongst each other just barely acknowledging one another.” A tear rolls down your cheek. “If you can’t make the decision that puts an end to this… affiliation that we are, let me do it. I’ll be the bad guy.”

“Fine.” He pauses, staring at your ring-less ring finger. “Is this us forfeiting?”

“Yes.” Your voice breaks as you try to hold back sobs. Rivers of tears spill down your face. “I’ll have all my stuff packed, a-and i’ll be out by tonight. Your shoulders tremble, a much needed sob being suppressed by your need to stay strong enough to finish this talk. You pull your hands away and stand up from the bed.

“I should get started.”

Gojo did not move for a while. He couldn’t move. He sat on the bed with his back hunched over, his hands covering his face. He could hear you moving room to room, sniffling as you packed what you brought into the relationship, away.

Finally, you were done. You had your suitcases waiting at the front door, and all that was left to do was say goodbye. Goodbye to the first man to love every part of you, down to the bones weighing down your aching skeleton.

When it came down to it, you were both speechless, just standing there in silence, something you were both now used to. This time it was different. The suitcases weren’t for a vacation you were going on together, it was a single relocation due to seemingly irreparable issues.

“See you, Satoru.” You opened the door, and dragged your suitcases along the sidewalk, on your way to meet your driver. Gojo followed in the spur of the moment, but walked on the opposite side of the street, just to make sure you got to your car safely. The whole walk, you would not look away from each other for more than a second, if anything just to make sure you didn’t walk into objects.

You reached the car and put your suitcases away. You looked at Gojo once more and waved.

Those red taillights shattered the heart that was cracked inside him. He sighed, his face aimed up at the sky.

Though the end was like pouring rubbing alcohol over broken skin, it would be an honor to do it all over again.

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Wednesday wonderful readers. It's hard to believe we’re on 6x08 already. Thanks for hanging in there with me. 6x05-6x07 are not easy episodes emotionally. So appreciate you all reading these. 6x08 is an emotional ride all its own. This entire season is really. We get a beautiful moment at the end for our ship though. One that still makes me weepy. With the perfect song to go with it. So let's begin shall see?

6x08 Punch Card.

The ep name is punch card when it starts out with a punch to the heart. We see a reminder come up on Tim's phone. It’s about Lucy’s birthday *sad sigh* Not only a reminder but he has 'Birthday' in all caps. Wanted to make sure he didn’t forget. Also and this is just shippy conjecture... Was he did so he could do something special for her. That’s what that reminder represents to me. He quickly swipes it away and tries to swipe the feelings along with it. His sigh and tongue click has me emotional. It’s all through this episode we start to see the regret really begin to sink in for Tim .

I know people were upset he didn't seem as upset as Lucy in 6x07. Trust me that man is WRECKED. He showed signs last ep. But this episode marks the beginning of him truly showcasing all of that. Tim is starting to feel the immense loss he’s inflicted on himself. *phew* I wanna cry. Which has been a theme since 6x05. He is broken out of his emotional revere by the elevator opening. It’s Mad Dog and Blair. The tension is palpable in there but you’re not sure why. Only that something feels very off and wrong about the whole thing.

Tim is so caught up in his Lucy loss he doesn’t pick up on it. Had that reminder not come up he would’ve been sharper. His cop gut screaming out a bit more. But as of right now it's subdued with sadness. Kills me how he wants to rectify things with M.D. Breaks my heart really. He hurt more than just Lucy with his actions. Mad Dog is short with him and not in a place to receive these amends. Tim breaks my heart a little more when he watches him depart. Oh Timothy. He finally acknowledges Dr. London asking if she's getting off here? When she says she took the wrong elevator my red flag was going OFF.

Now comes the scene I know made everyone uncomfortable. I don't love it I'll be honest. But here’s my take on it. Last episode we talked about defense mechanisms a lot. What Tim and Lucy’s were. Why they use them. To me this scene right here is displaying Dr. London’s. I believe she uses flirting as her defense mechanism. They showed her flirting with Aaron at the bar in the recap for a reason. Side tangent about the recap. This will be a small detour to my point lol. They also showed the breakup again in the recap too. Hate that. I'll have PTSD from that scene for life. Like damn recap I don't need the reminder. Don't worry we haven't forgotten I promise you. It's seared in my memory for life thank you very much....

Anyways I think that scene at the bar with Aaron in the recap was to set up this scene. Very intentional of her manipulative flirting. Tim asks about Mad Dog which sets that in motion. So in order not to blow her cover she flirts with Tim. Under the guise of ‘Checking in on him.’ Turning it back around on him by asking how he felt seeing him? She’s doing this to shield herself and deflect further questions about what just happened. Tim is clearly upset and she takes advantage of it. It’s a mixture of the Lucy reminder and now seeing Mad Dog. The manifestation of two relationships he destroyed with his actions in 6x05-6x06.

So even though I don’t love this scene. I get the why and mechanics behind it if that makes sense. I know some people thought him replying back was flirty. I think he was just doing his own investigating. His gut kicking on in this moment. He’s clearly not comfortable with her trying to do therapy outside their sessions. Also his face when he exits the elevator tells me everything. It’s not of a man who flirted. It's one who’s is still deeply hurting. Also conflicted because his cop gut IS going off and he doesn’t know why…. He is feeling as off as we were about her.

We hop over to our girl in Grey’s office. Asking her how her new roommate is working out? That being Celina of course from the previous ep. Reason he’s asking is he needs her to ride with her today. Lucy is so adorable saying she’s not a T.O. though… This is where the scene gets real cute. Grey all but anoints her LOL Lucy’s face when he does is hilarious. Couldn't fit in but was very Lion King vibes up in here haha

Lucy continuing the adorableness asks if he can do that? Wade replying he is all powerful lmao I think this scene is great for a couple reasons. First off thank you Wade Grey for giving her a position of power and authority like this. If anyone has earned it it’s our girl. I also think this is really good for her self esteem. For him to trust her enough to give her a leadership opportunity is huge. Shouldn’t have taken this damn long honestly. But she has been very UC driven since S3.

Regardless I love this so much for her. To prove her leadership skills. To rebuild herself a bit post breakup. Lastly I think this moment is a wee bit of foreshadowing. With the time elapse, I’m sure is to come with the s7 premiere, she could be one by then. This is straight speculation. Since we don't know a damn thing bout s7. But I think it would be real good for her. She would be a superior teacher to new rookies. Far better than numb nuts Nolan…. Grey is MVP two eps in a row I will say.

Tim enters the chat immediately after. He’s so lost in trying to delete his reminder he doesn’t realize Lucy is there. That Lucy smile of his ever present. He literally can’t help it. Man is so damn gone for her. It oozes out of him whenever she is present. Ugh. My heart. Lucy almost returns it because she has for so many years prior. She stops herself midway and reminds her body she’s still mad at him. Tim tries to break the ice a little with his joke. Lucy doesn’t engage as much as he would like of course.

Still picking up the pieces of her broken heart my love. Also the awkwardness that still exists between them is ever present in this short scene. Couldn’t get away fast enough and Grey notices this of course. His reply of 'Wow.' saying it all. The way Tim watches her until she is out of sight *heart clutch* Just watching his entire heart walk out the station….Ain’t no thing…Doesn’t affect me at all. *sniffle* *phew* I’m fine.

This hurts no matter the time that has passed. Hate seeing them like this. I know with s7 in the works we are on the road to recovery. But until said recovery happens, these post breakup eps are gonna hurt like a SOB. There's no two ways about it. Even after they get back together these will still sting. Cause Eric and Melissa did an incredible job with these episodes. This short scene wrecking us shows us their skills. Elevating the material in a way only they can.

Grey notes how awkward that was. Tim telling him it’s better than it has been.... That’s not enough for Wade though. Honestly it shouldn’t be. That he need again to fix this ASAP. This will only continue to breed dysfunction. Which in turn will be a disaster for team cohesion. That he isn't going out that way as Watch Commander. Wade reminding him he NEEDS to work it out with Lucy.

Otherwise it’s going to force him to choose between them. Now you know I love my Tim. Love this man to death. Would fight anyone who knocks on him. But I friggin adore Grey choosing Lucy in this scenario. Tim caused this mess he either needs to clean it up. Or it’s time for him to go. Hurts my heart to write that but it's true. Even though he is senior officer, worked there longer, been under Wade longer it doesn’t matter. He will be the one shipped off. Taking her side is the right thing to do.

Makes me wanna cry the thought of him being sent away. I remember first time watched this it started a deep ache in my gut. One of massive anxiety. Of course it would be friggin North Hollywood. That damn station been haunting them since s2. Just looming overhead ready to take one of them. Almost happened in 5x12 too. Anyways does my heart good he sides with Lucy in this matter. This is Tim’s mess to fix and no one else’s.

Lucy meets up with Celina and asks if she’s ok with this? Ever the amazing empath our girl. Celina looks psyched as hell to have Lucy. How could she not be? Wealth of knowledge to give her in a kind but commanding way. Getting to see Lucy show off her leadership skills is making me giddy. On a solo character level was my fav part of the ep. (Clearly not counting the Chenford stuff)

Her leadership style is right there with mine. Where I am 90 percent Tim her being a T.O. Is all me. Her style is pretty damn identical to mine. Telling her she wants to ‘Invest in her success.’ Is me all damn day. Thats all I ever wanted for my team. For them to see I was investing in them and there to make them better. It’s cute how excited Celina is for this. Hell of an upgrade from the bumbling bone head she usually has.

The Aaron and Tim show begins and I’m here for it. I’ve always enjoyed their dynamic. Aaron pushing Tim a little more than most would. We know Lucy has softened him to the point where he doesn’t kill Aaron. ha Asking why he has to be the one to be in uniform and not Tim? Lmao Because you are the rookie dearest haha These two are goobers together and I love it sfm. You can tell he is dying to ask Tim if he is struggling right now. Because he went from QB to water-boy for Metro.

Like I said earlier it’s really starting to hit Tim the relationships he fractured. The regret is coming at him from all sides in this one. First Lucy and now this. Aaron can’t help it and asks anyway even though he shouldn’t. Tim gives him the company line of course. Pulling some S1 Tim out in this van. Telling him he does what he’s told without complaint. Ok babe yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s not upsetting you….

He went from running this entire team. Making calls on the fly to this. Boring grunt work. Tim bounces back with his sassy comment about his deodorant. I’m cackling because Aaron’s reaction is so damn funny. He gets so distracted by this he doesn’t write anything down. Tim’s face when he asks why isn’t documenting this is so funny. The most Aaron thing he could do. Be derailed by Tim's comment and not pay attention. Oh I will miss you Aaron Thorsen.

I am enjoying Lucy’s teaching so much. Partly because it reflects how I teach. She corrects without crushing her confidence. She also does it afterwards as not to ding her confidence in the moment. Exact reflection of what I used to do for my work kids. Lucy is kind but confident in her correction. Doing it in the moment so it sticks, but waiting till after they’re done for her to properly receive it. Celina receives it well because even though it’s one she is told in a kind manner. I just love it sfm.

The other reason I love it is because Lucy is out here crushing it. Zero T.O. Training but picking it up like she’s been doing it for years. She is going off instinct and what she would’ve wanted as a rookie. I had zero training when I was told to train new hires as a manager. So I went based off my experience and what I would’ve loved to know when I was new. So her tactics are very similar to me and makes me happy to see it.

Already light years ahead of Nolan it’s insane. Tim would be so proud of her if he could see it. We all know how seriously he takes training new officers. The sacred duty that it is and needs to be treated as such. Lucy is doing all that and more. Feels like more foreshadowing for her to become one in s7. Would crack me up if she got one of the new ones and Tim got the other. They could compare and contrast their leaderships styles. See who does better. But I’m daydreaming with that ha

Tim’s phone goes off again. Reminding him once again Lucy’s birthday is tomorrow. Tim is hit with a double gut punch in this moment. First grunt work for Metro then Lucy loss as the second one. Aaron noting he must’ve set it quite a few times... Which is heart breaking to think of in this moment. It is sweet he set it up so many times so he wouldn’t forget it. I think pre-breakup Tim didn’t want to lose track of this important day.

Also my guess is he wanted to make a big deal of it too. Their days are unpredictable so makes sense he would set so many. That’s pure conjecture on my part. But watching him through out their relationship this lines up. Seeing how he doted on her and brought her thoughtful gifts. He was most definitely going to do that. Like I said earlier this ep is starting to reflect the cracks in his foundation.

His facade of pretending to be okay after their breakup is starting to fade. The fact that he says ‘Girl you broke up with.’ Not his ex is speaking volumes to me. It’s starting to dawn on him truly what he’s lost and done. Because you would say ex if it was something to move on from. The regret is starting to seep in and breaks my heart to watch it. But also it’s good to see him feeling it. Now that’s he’s regulated and going to therapy, his clarity on what he’s done is coming up for air. It’s weighing on him, and we can see that clearly in this scene.

This next part really gets me in the feels. Tim asks if he got her anything? Being vulnerable for the first time in their convo. Look at that puppy in the first couple gifs. Aaron tells him yes. A spa day at the Four Seasons. It’s the smile here that gets me. Even thinking about Lucy brings about that smile of his. The one that only comes up around her or about her. He knows exactly how much his girl is gonna love that. Enjoy it. Also thinking how much she deserves such a gift.

The smile has me reeling. He just loves her so much. He can’t help but do that in love smile when he thinks about her. *screams into a pillow* Then his smile ends with sadness. Eric be killing me for a 4th ep in a row. We watch the smile tail off with a tinge of sadness. Because he’s not going to see how happy that gift makes her. How she would’ve dragged him along with her most likely. It’s really hitting him he’s lost her. Lost access to that part of her life now.

The happiness to heartbreak in that smile is masterful on Eric’s part. Just look at him in that last gif. I was feeling all that from his smile. It’s subtle but impactful as hell. Eric and Melissa’s speciality at breaking our hearts. Especially this season. His reaction is screaming how much he still loves her. Carrying the burden of what he’s done is becoming more and more evident. Mourning the loss of what he hastily threw away. Hurts so good. Maybe they’ll be together by her next bday and he can make up for it. A girl can dream right?

The boys share a nice moment and I love it. Aaron pushes it with his final question though. You can see him drawing up the courage to ask Tim. Wanting to know what everyone wants to know. Why they split up? Tim’s reply cracking me up. He is as sharp and curt as can be. No more emotion left in his tone. ‘No’ LMAO Vulnerable Tim is gone now. Took it too far Aaron...

The balls on you sir to ask that my god. Lucy doesn’t even know why. You sure as hell aren’t going to get that answer…Honestly you’re lucky you got Tim as vulnerable as you did good sir. But gotta love him trying and failing super hard. Makes a bittersweet scene end on a funny note that made me chuckle.

This scene with Mad Dog hurts my heart. Tim is facing the repercussions of his actions so hard in this episode. From both barrels of Metro and Lucy. It’s good for him to feel and see what he’s done. That doesn’t mean it does hurt me to watch it. I’m still protective of him even though it’s what he needs to see and experience...

My worry was something like this happening. Working with Metro was going to reopen a wound that’s hasn't even begun to heal. We know what happens with M.D. later. So, a part of this is projection is because he knows he’s walking his guys into a trap somewhat. Worried Tim is going to find him out through his OP plan. That being said doesn’t make it easier to watch him dismantle Tim.

I will say it is yummy to see him in street clothes and jeans. That badge prominently on his hip. Mmmm gimme. Wouldn’t be me if I didn’t gawk at him a little would it? Also haven’t done it in a minute due to the non stop heartbreak since 6x05.

The OP goes sideways in the worst way. They’re ambushed and his guys end up in the hospital. Nash is in surgery due to the explosion. Tim comes to see Mad Dog and it feels all kinds of off. He’s expecting Tim to flog him for what he’s done. That his OP lead his men into danger. Almost as if he wants Tim to reprimand me for what he’s done. But he’s in the dark to what’s going on so Tim can’t possibly do as such.

Tim’s cop gut is kicking into high gear during this scene though. Between M.D. acting completely different post OP and his reaction to Blair appearing. Tim questioning how in the hell she even knew about this? She comes up with a pretty slick answer that pacifies Tim for now. But it’s seeing Mad Dogs reaction that has his red flag going up.

He can barely look at Blair in the eye. Tim noticing and bringing it up. M.D. plays it off as being tired. That he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings right now. Tells Tim they shot him full of painkillers. He’s gonna shut down for awhile. Tim understands and doesn’t linger. I remember knowing at this point she was dirty. But could also see the internal struggle going on inside her. Which intrigued me to why she was dirty in the first place? All things to come in later eps...

Now comes the best part of the entire episode. One that we all still think about. How could we not? Eric and Melissa were once again surprised how much we loved this scene. What’s not love? What's not lose our minds over? Return of Kojo, the song that is utter perfection, and the fact that Tim reached out through him to say Happy Birthday. Makes me teary just thinking about it. I'll never be over this scene. How it felt like a true start to healing our shipper hearts. Because they've been in ROUGH shape for awhile.

We all needed this moment. After such utter heartbreak and turmoil the last 3 episodes. This was like coming up for air for the first time to truly breathe. Melissa killing us right off the bat. Her face was all of us in this moment. The way she lights up when she sees Kojo. Their cute fur-baby just sitting in the hallway with a card in his mouth. I’m not crying you are... Also makes me giggle a little thinking how Tim had to run from the door after he knocked. To make sure only Kojo was there. It's the sweetest thing. *happy sigh*

Killing me softly with how she pets him. Asking how he is. Telling him she misses him. Just like Tim in the van her smile morphs. It goes from happiness to sadness. Because Kojo is an extension of Tim. Her saying she misses him is having a double meaning here. Despite all the hurt Tim caused her she misses him so much.

It’s reflected in how she is loving on Kojo. Her words have an extra meaning to them. Of course she misses her fur-baby. But she also misses her person. A piece of her heart is missing with him gone. This scene has me teary from beginning to end. We missed this good boy so much. Such a tearjerker of a moment when she reunites with him.

When Kojo takes off back to Tim it’s like watching a part of her heart go along with it. Knowing where he is running back to. The ache in her heart that is still there. She knows he’s in that hallway. It's bittersweet because even broken up she brings the best out in Tim. This wonderful gesture is due to how he’s grown because of her. If you weren't crying in this moment you're dead inside lol I'm sorry.

Tim wrecks me with how he’s looking toward that same hallway. He can only imagine what her reaction is. Hoping it's a good one. That what he's done here is having a positive effect on her. It is. What a way to bring this sweet boy back in. They really killed it with this scene. I love Tim keeping his distance. Respecting her space in this moment. But knowing he couldn’t let her b-day go without acknowledging it. This was the best way to do it.

Also the fact that this is happening in that hallway. One that represents so many seminal moments for them. I just wanna sob at the beautiful symbolism of this. You can see the regret building on Tim’s face once again. The distance he can feel between them. It's like he’s finally grasping what he’s done. The regrets he feels starting to truly mount in this moment.

Melissa’s reactions after Kojo leaves are absolutely killing me. The tears in her eyes as she picks up the card. Evoking so much emotion out of me just watching her. This is where the lyrics had me bawling. Because it so perfectly represents Lucy in this moment.

"When the sun won't shine and the words don't rhyme And there's mountains you can't move.

Something's on your mind And it's been some time since you felt like you were you.

When it all caves in, feeling paper thin And the pain might cut right through. "

This has been Lucy since the end of 6x06. Hell it was the fandom. The sun has not shined since that day for her. She hasn’t felt like herself in what feels like eons. Her pain feeling so very paper thin. The smallest thing cutting right though her. What happened between them rocked Lucy to her very core. She’s still sitting in the pain of it all. Him giving up on them so easily is haunting her. Probably wondering if he loved her as much as she loved him? Those intrusive thoughts running on an endless loop in her brain since it happened.

“When you feeling like you ain't got a friend, And you wondering' if you ever gonna' smile again. Every little things gonna be okay.” This one getting me in the feels as well. Another perfect reflection of how Lucy is feeling. I know what it’s like to feel this way. Alone in your pain. Wondering if you’re ever gonna smile again. Be happy. It seems so far off. These lyrics were so perfectly poignant. They were very intentional in using this song. As much as these lyrics made me cry they also filled me with hope and comfort. Particularly the line in that last lyric. That everything is going to be ok. If you haven’t downloaded this song. I highly it recommend it. 'Lift Up Your Head. by Esabalu'

What makes the rest of this moment so beautiful are the following gifs. Lucy opening that card and seeing what Tim has done for her. This is also the first time we’ve seen Lucy cry about them. And it hurts like hell to watch. Like I said she’s been sitting in this pain. Wondering if this relationship meant more to her than it did Tim. Then he does this. Acknowledges her birthday in the perfect way. It does a couple things. One it shows he wanted to make sure this day didn’t pass without him acknowledging it. That’s he’s thinking about her.

Two it shows Lucy he stills cares about her. The gift in itself shows the level of care. He’s reaching out to her without physically doing so. I mean the effort he put into this is immense. He was so creative and thoughtful. Having it come from Kojo and not himself. Executing the perfect delivery on-top of it as well. The way she touches the paw print has me bawling. Just mopping up my tears at this point. Knowing what this card meant. What it represented. Lucy no doubt has been torturing herself still about why it ended.

How he didn’t care for her the way she did for him. She really needed this. Because it shows it has nothing to do with Tim's feelings for her. You don’t put this kind of effort in if you don’t still love someone. Her reaction is the second gif screams that. Lucy still doesn’t understand why. But she can rest little easier knowing it wasn’t about his feelings for her. This shows her he still cares deeply for her. Man owes her a conversation still but this was a beautiful start towards that. Towards healing.

Tim’s face KILLS me. I think the writers intentionally wrote him to come off as if he wasn’t as affected. That this breakup wasn’t killing Tim. When it absolutely was. He needed time to regulate and some therapy to get here. Also it makes this scene hit a little harder doesn’t it? That man’s face above is one of absolute regret. It’s truly hitting him what he’s done to her. Eric once again murdering my feels. They both are.

You can see the myriad of emotions splayed across his beautiful face. It’s here he’s finally grasping what he’s thrown away. Knowing he should be there right now. Celebrating her birthday along side her. That bath bomb she mentions earlier in the scene should be been shared together. This hurts so good. I commend them for the buildup to this moment. We needed that episode previous to get to this point.

For Tim to finally feel the regrets raining down on him right now. That is the face of a man who knows he ruined everything. Fucked up a perfectly wonderful relationship. Destroyed his happiness and hers. Hurt his favorite person in the process of his spiral. It's killing him he can’t be there for her like he used to be. Shut that door when he tossed them away. As much as this moment hurts it's huge step towards reconciliation. Tim coming to the realization of how he’s hurt her and the regret he feels due to it.

Also only Eric and Melissa could have SO MUCH chemistry and not even been in the same room. These final two gifs say it all in that regard my god. You can feel the anguish and emotion between them. Just emanating from them and to each other. I love our ship. I love the actors we are blessed to have portray them. Look at our beautiful babies above. Their on screen chemistry leaves me in awe of them. They aren't even sharing the same space and are exuding chemistry. These final lyrics of this song left me with so much hope.

“All these troubles only gonna last for a while

Yeah, we're gonna be alright, oh, child, lift up your head (yeah, the light, yeah, the light's gonna find you)

And the light's gonna find you”

These troubles are only gonna last for awhile fandom. This season felt like an eternity of pain after 6x05 but we’re gonna be alright. S7 is gonna be that light I just know it. Gonna be worth all this pain and heartache. When we're on the other side of it gonna be so much better. We are so lucky are babies get to be front and center and get these growth SL's. Have depth like they do. I'll take that over blah puddle deep Balian any day. S6 hurt so much. But this too shall pass it'll pass like a kidney stone but it'll pass for us.

Our beautiful moment is interrupted by a text from Mad Dog. He’s asking Tim to come find him to talk. They’re on a roof and that immediately made me nervous. Mad Dog tells Tim one of their guys Nash is paralyzed… I mean this adds to M.D's guilt. To why he ends up killing himself later in this scene. Tim tries to comfort him and let him know it could be temporary. This is where his confession starts. Saying it wasn’t supposed to go down like it did. It never does when you dirty like that…Tim asks him if he compromised the OP?

Tim is in absolute shock as he asks this of his former brother in arms. This is a hard scene to watch. Tim is seeing a man he used to trust his life with be revealed as dirty. That he was compromised. What a gut punch for him. I know Tim struggles with his mistakes still. But the difference being is his were always with the best intentions. He may not see that yet but his honor was always intact with them. His good intentions still present. Tim asked who he told? We all know at this point even Tim does but he needs confirmation. M.D. replies he can’t tell him. She knows all his secrets….Ugh.

Then he kills himself. Last thing this poor man needed was to see this. I do think it’s an interesting parallel to Tim. Why you ask? This could’ve been Tim if had ZERO honor. Zero integrity and moral compass. Had no one there to help support him. What he sees with his mistakes as being un-honorable was never this. M.D. is a person without the fortitude Tim has. It’s why he was turned and can’t live with himself after. I hate it being Dr. London I really do. But if not for her sessions how he reacts after this could’ve been so much worse than it was. His face when he looks over the edge is a knife to my heart...

Thank you once again to you all for reading, liking, commenting (Keep em coming I love them.) and reblogging these reviews. They mean the world to me. I shall see you all in 6x09 :)

Side notes-Non Chenford

Blair being crooked SUCKS. No two ways about it. I fought the idea so hard when the season was happening. Not because I liked her but because of Tim and Aaron too of course. But at this point it was for Tim. He had been vulnerable with her. Started therapy because of her and I was really worried that would be tainted.

Nothing really other than that just Nolan and he doesn't matter lol

[ijumpbridges]

Scp 076 Crush Headcanon

At first he doesn't know it he had one on you. You were an agent, you had been in the military and you got partnered up with this thick skull. You used to be a Captain in the infantry, you also quickly ranked up pretty quick at the foundation.

076 saw this and was impress by this. A "true leader" he used to call you. You didn't mind, as to well of course what he thought of you didn't matter, but what he does around mattered because, now you were in charge to keep him in control, which it was annoying, he did considered you as a leader, but he would step out of line sometimes.

Even though he step out of the line, he was still a bit more competent at the things that some irresponsible co-workers did. Surprisingly you did a lot, really heavy work, from paperwork to physical work, but it wasn't something that could throw you off, since you were used to it.

Scp 076 would admired all the hard work that you did for him. You would mercilessly scold him when he did something cruel, you would train with him and give him challenges to complete. Training was most of the big thing, his favorite thing was running with you in the outside with the sun hitting both of you and the heat outside of the artificial outside campus they had for training.

Training together made both of you a bit closer, you told him stories about your deployment and he would listened to them amazed, but never showing it because of his pocker face. Sometimes, when you scolded your soldiers he would step in, even if they were acting up or not, and you will tell him and everyone who you were yelling at to drop down.

You will literally lose your voice because of him doing this. Of course 076 was hated for this. You will always leave off the room piss off having to cool off somewhere else, and oh yeah, he will be following you. He would stay out of your way but of course not out of your sight.

You two complemented each other, he had actually helped you with making exercise and the physical therapy, since working in the military had damage your muscle and almost cripple you for life because of irresponsible leaders who refuse to help their soldiers when they said they knees or back hurt. You were really grateful for it.

He ended up using some of your daily quotes that you said around. "Bullshit","As long as we fucking tracking", and military branches to describe other agents, "Hey Marine", or the one that stress other the most "Hey HERO" most of the time he liked when you were angry, since he knew something 'good' was coming, by good is that someone will get callout for their bs behavior.

In missions he was always sticking to your side, he had protect you when you saw a dead agent around and you had to do the work of cleaning them up, so no one tries to get anything important from them. He also appreciates when you also try to protect him too, when you warn him about enemies and show him some small trick of how to use new technology, even thought he refuse to use a pistol he needed basic knowledge, at least on how to use a walkie-talkie.

After some missions you ended up rewarding him with being able to help with the dogs of the foundation, he was able to train them and take care of them with you and he loved that, but he hated the other people around. There was an agent who was clingy to you. No, let me rephrased that, half of the staff or agents that work around of the foundation saw you as a parental figure, they were all equally clingy to you. Dudes older than you calling you mom/dad.

076 saw this and hated it, he thought you deserved more respect because you were greater than that, and even hear the comments of who you would look good with as a partner figure since, of course there were other staff members who were looked up like that too. You didn't mind this, it surprised you that dude's older than you accidentally called you mom or dad or other staff members came to your office crying to you for any weird problem that they had.

He will try to get them off of you, you, on the other hand, you did mind this, you told him to stop forcing people out of your office or to be away, even thought you had work to do, you also look out for others well being, even his own and not to get in the way of it. So he would stare at whoever came in anger wishing their were gone from your office.

He enjoyed alone times with you, you used to sneak him some sweets, talk to him, he had slowly opened up to you, and you both even ride one of those golf cars that the foundation used around with him while blasting some music. They banned both of you because they thought you were breaching him containment because you surpass the limits of where he had to be.

By the time 076 had warm up to you a lot, he is bit more open with what he feels, he doesn't do a lot of talking about himself but sometimes throws small details that you quickly catch onto. He overhear others and see the behavior of other couples, he had found himself thinking about it with you and even more after you took him fishing one time. He keeps overhearing other people keep talking about love, the things that he knows are 'love languages and what love is and what partners sometimes do' and really weird loop holes and rabbit holes of 'love' that he still didn't understand, since its all different from his culture.

He started to think more about you as a partner and what people say, he didn't care whether if it was positive or negative. He was embarrassed to ask, so he would have to find out on his own and not to get caught and of course he would never ask because its not his thing. So, he would have to relay of what other say and what they do too. He also thought about what he remembered what he did on his culture to pursue someone romantically.

Recently you were called for a mission, you told him and he was and about for not being able to go with you, he complained that to you and you listened and try to calm him down by telling you couldn't do anything about it, but in case you didn't come back to enjoy your company while it lasted it. He told you not to talk like that, it was a dead man talk and you even yourself told him not to ever do that. You laugh realizing how much you had taught him and went doing physical training again.

When you left, he was locked in his cell, he took the time to do exercise and read books, after a week he had ask for you and they still gave you no answer, they ended up changing you from someone else and he was so upset to that and demanded an answer on why they changed you. To which they told him it was for the mean time, and that you gave him some task to do while you were gone with one of your co-workers. He didn't like them either, he acted out a lot with them.

As it turns out you were on the hospital because you got shot on the chest, he demanded to see you, but was put on request to a senior staff who ended up asking you if it was okey for him to come. The moment 076 pass that room and saw you he started to start to demand what happen for you to go like that. Not even a warning and you are jumpscared and bombarded with question.

You told him to calm down and you explain to him the whole thing, he thinks you are badass to survive. After an hour he is taken back to his cell. He thinks to himself about what had happen. He thinks you are a warrior fighting for your life and others. He still wishes he had be there in the mission and next to you in the hospital room, the same way your co-workers were hanging out with you in your hospital room, it made him mad he wasn't in neither on them, that's why he put a long face when he was on his way to his cell and when he got there. For the pass days he would think of everything and questions everything.

After you had fully recovered, you went to see him to surprise him. He was happy and the best part he even attempted to make physical contact which was new and you accept it. He tried to hug you, awkward, but wholesome. You got to hang out there for about 30 minutes until they told you they needed you for something and you left. He thought about the hug he gave you, he didn't want to think about it, but couldn't stop.

He thought maybe the next day he could try to hug you again, and the next day and then he wondered what physical contact he could make with you. Then he stop for a second, why was he thinking about all of this? He realizes what has he been doing and then all the thoughts rush inside him.

The next day he got distant with you, you thought it was normal or tried to believe so, but it felt weird than his usual distant persona, this showed that you knew him maybe well or too well. When you asked him he questioned why were you asking and that it was nothing, you of course didn't say anything and still tried to engage with him as usual.

Your interaction with him started to get a bit questionable, not sure what was happening with him, but you took a step to tell him that it was okey to tell you any problem he had and that you will never judge him. He again told you he didn't have any, you told him that it was okey if he didn't have any now, but maybe in the future he could always come to you. You try to avoid on keep asking him to not upset him.

After one week of you telling him, a breach containment happen, you were on your office it was late, but when you hear the intercom saying that 076 breach containment you lock the office door. Not even a second of doing, so you get massive amounts of messages because he broke out pf containment and now somehow its your fault.

You tried to contact anyone to ask them what was happening on to why he did that, then a call from the intercom inside of your room call you saying that you should go to the cafeteria immediately in demands on 076.

~~~

You went rushing to the cafeteria, not sure of what was going on or why 076 was on the lose, but maybe have some answers there. When you open the door you saw how the tables where aside and saw Able in the middle, two d-classes both typed up and a deer.

"What..." You said looking at him.

Able was holding goat one D-class too.

"What in the actual fuck" you said you were so confuse.

He didn't say anything, but he knew you weren't a good reaction, maybe he should take initiative.

"Come closer" he said and you comply.

"Able... what is going on?" You said.

"I brought you a offering, im not sure if your parents were alive, so im making it to you the offering on taking your hand" he said he paused and approached you with the deer and D-class. When he got close you could see what D-class he took. This D-class used to give you trouble and 076 knew it, seeing him in such a position made you wanted to laugh and feel bad for him.

"I brought what was close for the offering, you didn't have sheeps here p,but deers near by and the D-classes who used to dishonor you" he said.

"Wait, hold on why did you do.. this?" You asked him.

"For your hand" he reply.

"You mean marriage?" You asked.

"Yes, it may not be practical, but its close. Please, take my offering for your hand and i will be by your side till death and give you protection even from the people here. What do you say?" he asked and looked at you waiting for your answer.