#vent post

[forevermineforever]

need friends who will listen to me vent about homicidal thoughts without reporting me or thinking I'm actually insane

[family-disappointment]

i'm living a never ending nightmare

[interruptedsblog]

I hate when pwbpd demonize pwnpd, YOU ARE ALSO FROM CLUSTER B, YOU EVEN SHARE CERTAIN PERSONALITY TRAITS.

[clovelie]

everyone is such a goddamn liar and no one loves me

[fuv1kinggoreee]

[librariangayballstease]

I hate the fact I need to postpone my transition for financial reasons.

I hate that we needed to get a loan to afford my partners top surgery .

(half the cost we saved and other half was loaned to us by my mom, love you mom ♡)

I hate the fact that we both are trying to get medical help from public healthcare but they are too binary to give the right treatments. (I'd need to be on e and tblock to have any access for facial hair removal and partner would've been forced on t for a year before top surgery)

I just fukcing hate how we are gatekept by fuckers that don't want to give us proper care. Officials, legislators etc.

Also hate how money and capitalism and inhuman fucking morals make it necessary to pay for vital healthcare.

FUCK!!!

[zieanna]

When you go to sleep and leave me alone I die a little bit inside

[citadelofmythoughts]

I wish cis people understood just how...draining it is to be transgender. Like even if nothing bad happens to you specifically there's this constant hate surrounding trans people like background radiation but it's not harmless, it's a perpetual drain on your emotions, your will, your happiness.

Even if you take all the steps to distance yourself from the hate, like curating your online presence, you still see it, hear it. It's completely unavoidable.

When you are enemy #1 for major political parties it's hard not to notice, especially when you have almost no political power yourself and, my god, I can't even imagine what trans kids are dealing with. It's so much more difficult for them.

I wish I had some kind of answer but in the end it isn't up to me or any other trans person. We don't have the numbers to change hearts and minds.

I don't want it to sound like I regret anything because as bad as things are, I promise you, pretending to be something you're not is even more of a drain on your emotions and will to go on. I just wish it was easier to just...exist without people demanding I justify my existence to them.

[fayeandknight]

Pity party, table for one

This feels so stupid to admit, but today really hurt my feelings.

All the trainers piled in the van and went on a training out. Without me. I was not invited. I watched them call another trainer on the walkie to be like "impromptu outing, grab a dog and let's go". I was standing outside setting up training for a dog around car manners but hadn't started. I was literally right there.

One of them even called out the window that they'd pick up ice cream on the way back and asked me to have the others text what they wanted. So it's not like they didn't see me.

But I dutifully did so and when they came back, oops the shop must have forgotten my order. Everyone else got ice cream but me.

And it's so stupid to let my feelings be hurt by this. I know it is. And I honestly don't think anything intentionally mean spirited happened. But between usually being the one left out, hello autistic experience, and old high school trauma, it's just feels overwhelmingly lonely.

And that old trauma is particularly hard to combat, because it lends truth to the common fear that everyone secretly, or not so secretly, hates me and wishes I would die. Short version is that I had a falling out with my best friend and she led a school wide campaign, including teachers, to bully me with the admitted to goal of having me become so depressed and isolated that I'd kill myself.

I know this is not that. I do.

But it felt like it. The memory of how it started with people being nice enough to my face but never including me holding hands with how I never seem to make it into the inner circle anywhere because there's something slightly off about me. (It's the autism.)

And it just fucking sucked.

So I cried in the bathroom, invoking my superpower of being able to bawl my eyes out without making a sound. But it felt overlaid with the past where I used to eat lunch in the bathroom to avoid the bullying once it got really bad.

I barely slept last night so being very tired on top of everything else definitely did not help.

I wish I knew the secret to being included. To have people actively choose my company outside of needing something from me. I wish I wasn't such a baby over not getting ice cream. I wish I could pry the past's sticky fingers off of the present.

[thefamilymistake]

Sometimes it feels like people would be better off without me

[souldisgrate]

Tw vent, sex mention

I'm so freaking down right now... I can't even explain how dull and sad and unhappy and dysphoric and bad I feel

I'm back to thinking... I feel so bad when I start just thinking. 'Cause every time I do it my thoughts keep on leading back to who I am.

I desperately want to have a partner (or partners) and have romantic AND sexual relationship, I've fell in love pretty recently but... I also feel like NO ONE could really ever love me back at this point.

Who am I? A closeted transgender person with lots of weird kinks, interests (even fixations) and lots of triggers and nuances, with complicated as fuck identity and also so fucking hypersexual

I don't wanna spend my whole life lonely. I wanna love. I wanna be loved. But is there an actual way that's going to happen? Maybe that's really just my fate?

And I don't wanna give myself up. I don't want to stay in closet forever. I don't want people to see me as cis woman. I don't want people to see me as binary trans man. I want people to see AND accept AND support me as a nonbinary person who presents masculine AND feminine.

I don't want to stay in closet forever. I don't want my partner to think that I'm okay with just vagina-and-dick sex. YES I do have WEIRD desires. And I don't also want anyone to be uncomfortable with it. And I don't want myself to be uncomfortable.

So the only one fucking way is to actually find a person who's not queerphobic AND queer themselves, who's not anti-kink AND have weird kinks themselves AND THEM NOT BEING ONLY BINARY WOMEN

WHAT'S THE ACTUAL CHANCE OF SUCH THING TO HAPPEN...

[purrsongs]

on colors and being different and not being enough for yourself

(please reblog instead of liking)

[artsietango]

This Google Drive AI scraping bullshit actually makes me want to cry. My entire life is packed into Google Drive. All of my writing over the years, all of my academic documents, everything.

I’m just so overwhelmed with all the shit I’m going to have to move. I’m lucky to have Scrivener, but online data storage has been super important as I’ve had so many shitty computers, and the only reason I haven’t lost work is because Google Drive has been my backup storage unit.

My partner has recommended gitlab to move my files to - it seems useful, and I can try and explain more about what it is and how it works when I get more familiar with it. I’m unsure if it’s a text editor, or can work that way. He was explaining something about the version history that I don’t quite understand right now but might later. I’m just super overwhelmed and frustrated that this is the dystopia we live in right now.

[evilkitten3]

extremely unsexy of adhd to make me both very annoying and very sensitive to the concept of being perceived as annoying

[fuv1kinggoreee]

[thediktatortot]

Not people saying “Fandom has always been like this” in that vent post I made. No. It hasn’t always been like this. Fandom has NEVER been like this until recently and if you were in fandom pre-tumblr purge, pre-twitter, pre-netflix boom, pre-tiktok....then you would fucking know it was nothing like this.

We still had the drive to create. We still sold prints and charms and made zines...but it was never like this.

The introduction of streaming, binge shows that drop all at once, tiktok and vine RIP i still love u vine but you were the beginning of a particularly ugly era) creating this bite sized, quick paced ‘content’ era of creation and it bled out into fucking everything else.

Fandoms didn’t die down when the show ended or the season was over. You didn’t mass unfollow artist, writers or moots just because they changed fandoms. There wasn’t this need to please the algorithm in order for your posts to get seen by people and enjoyed.

Fandoms used to last YEARS. Star Trek is literally the oldest running fandom out there and you got people in there that could care less about the new stuff and still have been happily prancing through their fucking fifty year old fandom today. Hell, even SPN after all it’s fuckups and shitshows has a dedicated fanbase STILL creating tons of art and fic.

There is no patience anymore. No calm feeling of taking in fandom and friends at a pace that which doesn’t make you stressed and is still fun.

Do I blame fandom for this? Of course not, but people are complacent with it and start changing their vocab to accommodate and end up making the situation so deep it cant be fixed.

We call Art & Fic Content now, completely stripping the value of what it is to a level of consumerism instead of personal entertainment & community bonding.