#wails screams cries etc etc

[love-shutdown]

which imaginary illness are you?

wanderer’s ache.

you need to leave, you can't stay. you've forgotten how to do it - how to set your roots, how to unpack the moving boxes. staying too long isn't an option, the steady thrum of mixed curiosity and dread always propelling you forward. you've burnt all your bridges, leaving a trail of shattered connections every time you leave. but still you can't stay, can't even sit still. you tire of life as it happens, wishing you could quit your job and just become something else - anything at all. you've forgotten how to make a place into a home, feeling content only in novelty, at home only on the road.

[stinkrascal]

you guys my cousin has a baby and her baby’s name is anastasia. screams with embarrassment

[the-nation-of-today]

Temple of Love releasing at MIDNIGHT IF YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE

[thoriffix]

I WASNT WATCHING THE DIRECT BUT IVE SEEN THINGS AND AAAAAAAAAAAA HOLY FUCK

[princessbrunette]

i dont remember if you said you watched enough of community to reference this episode, but annie has like a public temper tantrum about not getting her way and its fascinated me since i watched it. like she was thrashing and whining about how she was better and it wasnt fair etc etc. you think rafe's girl would be capable of acting out like that or does he have you on a tight leash

this is the scene he’s talking about guys hehe

first of all i expressed this in dms but combining annie who is literally me as a character and rafe was a genius decision and im tongue fucking your brain for that.

‧₊ ᵎᵎ 🍒 ⋅ ˚👛

he’d like to think he’s got you on a tight leash, hand on the back of your neck giving it a warning squeeze when you act up in public. pulling you to a corner to give you a little slap on the cheek and say “hey, m’not playin’ around tonight, a’ight? behave yourself.” giving your hair a little tug to shut you up when need be.

however, when things are too much and the emotions are too strong — you’ll brave any punishment or poor treatment from your boyfriend to fully just have a meltdown on him. it’s uncontrollable, and once it starts it can’t stop. you’re standing in the centre of the country club all of a sudden wailing at him, smacking at his chest, pushing and hitting. there’s tears down your face as he tries to hoist you up to drag you away but you wriggle free until you’re protesting on the ground, thrashing and screaming. people clutch their pearls, wondering if something awful happened to have you behaving this way, and rafe is just about ready to explode.

with the strength of someone capable of snapping your neck there and then to shut you up, rafe thrusts your body up into his arms and over his shoulder as you continue to kick and cry like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. he practically throws you into his truck and forces the seatbelt over your body before gripping your face.

“hey, hey you fuckin’ stop that right now alright? you pull that shit on me ever again and i’ll leave you on the floor of the country club to embarrass you. i-i don’t know what the hell has gotten into you but you cut that shit out now, do you understand— right now!” he roars, and it’s enough to soften your cries to gentle sniffles, pulling your knees to your chin on the seat. he runs his hands over his red face and pushes his hair back before returning his gaze to you.

“now what the hell was that about, huh? and if you start yelling again, so help me god i will give you somethin’ to really fuckin’ cry about.”

he absolutely walks you around to apologise to everyone individually the next time you go to the country club, not even bothering to hide the grip he has on the back of your neck as he does so. you can act up all you want, but you won’t embarrass him like that again. or hey, maybe he’ll walk you back in straight after your tantrum whilst you look all messed up— just to humiliate you the way he feels you deserve.

‧₊ ᵎᵎ 🍒 ⋅ ˚👛

[just-some-random-blogger]

Curse Of Womanhood

Daemon's Version

It's simple really. Your husband wronged a witch and insulted her womanhood, and now he was cursed to bleed every moon with you.

Daemon Targaryen x Reader | 2k+ | cw: fem!reader, cursed fem!daemon, mentions of miscarriage/menstruation, men being men/misogyny/objectifying, Otto 'that's kinda hot' Hightower, crack fic, i hate my husband club member!reader, typos, etc.

A/N: my brain is fried so have some fried rice aka this fic. also idk at what time this would be set in canon so were just going to roll with it ok? ok.

Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @delicious-xx @deniixlovezelda @targaryenmoony @risefallrise @slavyanskiyahui @thebullship @sa3losa

The scream that left my mouth was immediately muffled by a hand covering it and what I recognized to be a string of High Valyrian curses.

My eyes widened as I looked at the woman. Her brows were furrowed, her jaw was clenched, her hair was undone, and she was clad in nothing but a loose dress shirt.

"It's me!" she whisper-yells, "you have to help me."

I yank her hand away and we begin to wrestle on the sheets. Her silver hair flies around, her bare thighs clash against mine. We struggle against each other for a moment, but I eventually manage to overpower her and subdue her by pushing her on her belly, ripping her arms behind her back.

I blow hair out of my face, "you ought to know I wrestle with my husband all the time."

"I am your husband!"

I scoff and scowl, "ahhhh. So this is his fucking idea. He sent a whore to keep me company while he's away."

The woman screams my name and demands to be released.

She whimpers when I pull her arms back forcefully, "watch your tongue, wench. My title is princess."

"Look at my scars!" she strangles out with a pained voice, "it's the same fucking scars I had as a man. Take my shirt off and-"

"Shut up!" I raise my brows in revulsion and disbelief, "GUARDS!"

She begins to sputter High Valyrian again and it makes me turn to her. I pull tight at her arms and she whines; her eyes begin to water.

"I took your maidenhead in your childhood bedroom!" she muffles against the sheets.

My jaw drops. I am mortified.

"I marked your neck so that your father would give you to me!" she cries.

My stomach churns.

"You told me to bring you back a sword when I returned!" she hisses, "and I said I'd stuff my sword down your throat if you touched yourself while I was away."

I gasp and release her when she says this.

She groans and slowly unravels her arms, "fucking bitch."

I crawl back and watch the woman sit up. Her violet eyes were glassy as she rubs her arms. I stared at her, examining the lines on her face, the curve of her nose, the cut of her cheeks. My face begins to twist, "who are you?"

She ceases rubbing her arms when she turns to me. My stomach drops. I knew those eyes.

She suddenly lunges at me, shoving me down on the bed. She shoves herself between my legs and pushes me down. She pins my hands together overhead with one hand. She rips my nightgown up and huffs, "I should remind you of you place, stupid girl."

My heart races at her words.

She gasps when she touches herself between her thighs. In an instant, she releases me and slowly pulls her hand up. She is mortified. Her eyes widen at the sight of red on her fingers, "I'm- I'm bleeding."

She topples back on her bum then looks down at the sheets. A blot of red was stamped beneath her, blood was dripping down her thighs.

The horrified sound she makes horrifies me as well.

"I'm bleeding!" she turns to me in panic.

I sit up and watch her cheeks get soaked in tears. I am deeply unsettled by her reaction. I mutter, "it's alright. It's normal-"

"THAT FUCKING WITCH CURSED ME INTO THIS GODFORSAKEN BODY!" she snaps, shaking her hands erratically. "I should have killed her," she sniffles roughly, "I shouldn't have spared her. She will pay for this!"

I flinch when she begins to wail and scream.

"Keep it down!" I grab her in panic.

"HOW CAN WHEN I HAVE A CUNT THAT'S BLEEDING!"

I grab her face and make her look at me, "you made no issue when my cunt was bleeding."

She freezes at the words. She looks at me and thinks. She eyes me with disdain, with anger, with offence, "that's different."

"How is that different?"

"You lost a child."

I rip away from her, feeling my heart leap into my throat. It really was him. No one but Daemon and I knew this. I whisper, "Daemon?"

She tenses then melts into defeat. She falls into me, forehead crashing onto my shoulder. I whimper as I pull her in for a hug. She reluctantly embraces me back.

"Daemon," I mutter.

"It's me," she snakes her arms around my form, "ziry iksos nyke, ñuha jorrāelagon." It's me, my love.

"Oh, my prince," I pull her in, "what have you done to yourself?"

Her arms tighten, "I am your prince. Please believe me."

I nod and brush her hair, "I believe you."

She nuzzles her face into my neck and begins to cry. We sink down onto the cushions and she finds herself between my legs again.

"What did you do to the witch, Daemon?"

She growls and sniffles, "I burned that cunt's village to the ground and made her watch."

"By the Seven, Daemon!" I try to look at her. She refuses to let me pull away.

"I'll burn her next."

"No!" I push her off, "we need to find her and make her undo her curse."

Daemon rips away and looks at me with bloodshot eyes. I feel uneasy with how she looked. There were traces of my husband, certainly, but it was so familiar yet so foreign. I mutter, "I will have Ser Harwin take us to wher-"

"Harwin?" she exclaims, "what need have we of that Strong moron? I will take us both to-"

"We are two women!" I grab her face, "two princesses," I raise a brow, "I will come with you to ensure your temper does not get the best of you, and Harwin will be there to ensure no one gets any ideas with us."

After nearly an hour of arguing, Daemon remembers I am the wife in this relationship and always get my way in the end.

All at once, we go to Harwin's quarters and wake him. I had asked my handmaiden for a dress and made Daemon wear it. Daemon fussed over how itchy it was, saying I should have just gotten one of my dresses for her, and how I didn't have to wrap her hair behind a headscarf. I told her to shut up and follow through with my precautions or else be a woman forever.

Harwin, Seven bless him, asked no questions other than where we had to go when I told him I needed an escort at that hour.

Daemon eyed him the entire way to the stables, declined his help when Harwin offered to help her up a horse, and rode between Harwin and I, unwilling to let me answer any of the questions he had, which, to be fair, were mostly about directions, and I did not know them at all.

To my horror, the moment we got there, the witch was waiting for us, grinning at the she-prince. Daemon was furious and lunged out of her horse, charging at the witch. Harwin immediately stopped Daemon when she very much tried to kill the sorcerer.

One thing led to another, the witch taunted Daemon, practically begging to be killed; Daemon got close to doing so, then the witch laughed and said her death would make the curse irreversible. Harwin managed to grab Dae-- Demi, my stupid handmaiden, and threw her over his shoulder.

I ended up doing the talking. As Harwin wrangled with blazing Demi, I begged the witch to fix my husband. She was moved by my desperation and devotion to my 'vile dragon of a husband'. She explained to me every curse had an expiration and Daemon's was on the next crescent moon. I paid her a hefty amount to convince her not to extend Daemon's curse.

Needless to say, Daemon was furious by how things ended.

That morning, I was met with a myriad of complaints and a wholehearted unwillingness from her-- from him, from my husband to comply with my plans to hide his identity. He didn't want to keep up appearances as a handmaiden and demanded to wear one of my dresses instead. The fool made me think of a way to make his idea plausible. I figured if we darkened his hair, I could pretend he-- she, gods, this was confusing, was a distant relative coming to visit.

For the most part it worked, no one questioned me about it, not even Ser Harwin, who was surely incredibly suspicious about Demi. But I knew him to be good at keeping secrets, which was why I always liked him. That, and well, he was rather strong. Daemon did not like that additional explanation when he asked why I trusted Harwin.

I knew the unquestioning nature most people had stemmed over the fact my word as princess could nary be questioned, but of course, there would be some that still questioned. And by some, I meant the Lord Hand, who would not let the sudden appearance of a distant relative of mine be left unnoted.

"Princess," Otto Hightower greets me as we cross each other's paths in the halls. I mask my annoyance over the encounter with a smile.

Daemon, who was standing beside me, squares up. I do my best to keep Otto's attention on me as I greet him back, but he rather instantly turns to Daemon, eyeing his dress, his dyed black hair, and his piercing violet eyes with far too much interest. Otto rakes my husband's form then nods, "my lady."

I hold back a face.

Daemon does not; his lips curl in disgust, "Hightower."

I shoot a glare at the woman. Daemon continues to try to burn Otto with his glare.

Otto looks at Daemon, top to bottom, with a raised brow, "I've not met many women of your stature. You are nearly as tall as I."

"I'm sure you've not met a lot of women in your lifetime."

"Daem-"I hiss but manage to stop myself. I turn to Otto, "pardon my cousin. She is not from here, and has learned to protect herself using her sharp-tongue."

Otto turns to me, "your cousin seems to be unaccustomed to the graces of King's Landing."

Daemon crosses his arms and sniggers. I cannot help but smack and eye him dirtily. Otto watches this closely. My husband turns to me, then back to Otto, "ah, yes. King's Landing is so unfamiliar to me. I fear I would get lost on my own."

Otto cannot help but rest his eyes on Daemon's chest, the exposed, soft flesh pushing up with how his arms were crossed. Daemon's face twitches when he notices it, then immediately unclasps his arms. He feels anger and embarrassment burn up his ears at the blatant ogling. Had the gaze been directed to his wife, he would have struck him, and yet the scrutiny on his she-body left him debilitated.

"The Keep is not that hard to navigate," Otto mutters, "if you ever lose your way, I am sure you will find many willing to help a lady such as yourself."

Daemon's insides burn, so he spits out the fire, "and would you ever help me, my lord?"

The level of disgust Daemon feels when he catches the subtle curve of Otto's lips is insurmountable. Lord Hand nods, "if you insist."

I cannot shake the chill that runs up my spine. I play it off by chuckling, "most generous of you, my lord. But I assure you, it will not come to that. I will not let my darling cousin out of my sight."

Otto turns to me, "a pity," he turns back to Daemon, "what was your name again?"

Daemon curses roughly in High Valyrian. It makes my heart leap into my mouth and I scramble to say, "Demi! Demi!"

"Demi," Otto tests the name on his tongue, "an uncommon name for an uncommon girl."

Daemon's eye twitches, "girl?"

"She is not from here!" I quip.

"As you've said once before, princess," Otto steps forward, "where are you from, Lady Demi?"

"Se trūmāje ripo hen nopāzma," Daemon steps forward. The deepest pit of hell.

I grab his arm, pulling him back. Unlike in his natural form, it was slightly easier to handle Daemon like this. He topples backward.

Otto tilts his head, "that's quite a name for a place. I've not heard it before."

My husband laughs, "trust me, my Lord-"

Otto and I are shocked at how Demi pats Otto's cheeks twice.

"-you'll find yourself going there soon enough."

I yank Daemon back again. Otto is stunned still in his spot. I quickly bid farewell to the Hand and reel us both out of that horrid conversation. I violently pinch the stupid woman beside me as we scurry down the halls.

[ash-whimsicalfanfic]

You Betrayed Me

Tom Riddle II X Fem OC/Reader

Word Count: 1832

Warnings: Mild Language, Violence, Death, Angst, Sad, Heartbreaking/Happy ending, Baby, etc.

Prompt: After graduating from Hogwarts, Tom begins to go down a dark and angry path. His love for you is questionable, however your main focus is your shared son, Mattheo...

“How is our future dark lord?” Tom asks, stepping into Mattheo’s nursery.

Things have been rocky between the two of us since we graduated from Hogwarts. He was unhappy with his current job and now was on an angry, dark path. I was fine with letting him do his own thing, however I draw the line when it comes to my son.

“Stop calling him that, Tom. He is a baby and even when he is older, he won’t be apart of this.” I say seriously as I continue to rock Mattheo.

“He is my heir, Y/N. He will be a dark lord.” He says seriously.

“What has happened to you? You use to be the man I loved, but now your just a shell of the man I once knew.” I say in disbelief.

“I’m the same man you married.Your just being overdramatic.” He says, rolling his eyes.

“Just go.” I snap.

“Do not talk to me that way.” He yells, pulling his wand out and pointing at me.

Mattheo instantly starts to wail, however I couldn’t take my eyes away from Tom. His eyes that once shone with love and adoration for me, now held hate and a coldness to them. 

“You would actually kill me.” I say, still in shock.

“I am the dark lord! I will not tolerate your disrespect! You are with me or you are against me!” He shouts.

I look down at the son we share who was screaming louder. I gently shush him, rocking him slightly. This boy needed me. Tom wouldn’t give him the love and care he needed in this world. Tom would do what was necessary to keep him alive while forcing him to do whatever he pleases. 

“I will stand by you, but I do not want to be your wife no more.” I say, turning to place Mattheo in his crib.

He was calm now, looking around curiously. He didn’t look as happy as he did before Tom came into the room. I frown, gently caressing his cheek before I lift him enough to place a kiss on his head.

“Look at me.” Tom seethes.

“I love you, Mattheo. So much. Mommy is always going to be here for you, sweet boy. Get some sleep.” I murmur, gently caressing his cheek before I turn to Tom.

“You have betrayed me. Even my own wife can’t stand by me.” He says, tears welling in his eyes as he grips his wand tighter.

My own eyes water as I know what is going to happen before it happens. I didn’t even have a way to defend myself. My wand was put away in my room. 

“Tom, you don’t have to do this. Mattheo needs his mother. Please.” I plead.

“Avada Kedavra!” He shouts.

It all happened so fast, the green light filling the room. I stood and looked down at the floor where my body lied before looking at Tom. He was staring down at my body before collapsing to the floor as he sobs. He crawls towards my body, cupping my cheek.

“Wake up…wake up, Y/N! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I lost my temper! I’m sorry!” He cries. 

Mattheo starts to wail and I look over to see him standing in his crib, grasping the bars as he stared at me…not my body, me.

“Oh sweet boy. It’s okay. Mommy will always be here, watching and protecting you. Don’t you ever forget that mommy loves you.” I murmur as I step forward and stroke his cheek.

He quiets, looking up at me as he giggles and reaches up.

“Mattheo, what are you doing?” Tom mutters, standing at the end of the crib.

“Mama!” Mattheo cries again as he reaches up.

Tom looks at where I’m standing now, looking confused and lost before looking at Mattheo who was still looking up at me. I push a curl out of his eyes, smiling softly at him.

“Y/N…” Tom mumbles. 

“Mattheo! Choose a side! Just know your mother died choosing the wrong side!” Tom shouts. 

I frown, watching Mattheo. Choose his side. Choose it. 

“Mattheo! Please!” Narcissa pleads.

I smile sadly, she has protected him and raised him. I knew I could always rely on her.

“Issa…” Mattheo pleads.

“Your mother would want you to live.” She says.

“Choose a side son!” He shouts.

“I choose mom’s side!” He shouts back.

My eyes widen before I lunge forward in front of him as the spell casts. Everyone around us gasps including Tom and I knew they could see me. I looked at my hand to see it was translucent. It was like how ghosts in the stories were described.

“Mom.” Mattheo whispers. 

I turned around and saw that he was looking at me in surprise.

“My sweet boy.” I whisper, reaching out to caress his cheek.

He leans into my touch, a tear falling down his cheek. I smile softly at him.

“I miss you so much.” He says.

“I’m always with you, sweet boy. And I will always love you and care for you. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you.” I murmur. 

“Y/N?” Tom finally says.

I turn and face him, the smile falling from my face.

“You have lost your mind, Tom. I hoped and prayed that you would stop this reckless path of yours, especially after seeing the way you fell apart after you killed me. But, you’ve lost it. He is our son. I told you that I never wanted him a part of this dark and angry path you’ve paved for yourself. I wanted him to make his own choices. Even if he decided he wanted to follow in your footsteps, I never would let him.” I say.

“Mattheo, you will die just as an agonizing death as your mother.” He snaps and I see that Mattheo was trying to get closer to Narcissa that was sneaking off.

I nod at her and dive in front of Mattheo, taking her wand and pointing it at him. Narcissa’s hushed hurries to both Mattheo and her son, Draco were all I could hear. 

“Y/N, move.” He warns.

“Never.” I say.

“You chose the wrong side once, don’t tell me you're doing it again.” He says.

“I’m willing to sacrifice my life, even as a spirit.” I say, my eyes watering.

If I didn’t play my cards out right, Tom would remember some of the old legends about the spirit of a wizard. As a pureblood, magic ran through me indefinitely…even dead. It is what allows me to show myself briefly, however the killing curse triggered something to make me be able to show myself like I was now. This wasn’t brief…it wasn’t temporary…this was permanent. 

Tom seemed to be calculating what to do. He was trying to figure out how to get rid of me once and for all. I couldn’t let him do that. Mattheo has me and he is going to need me. He needs to be protected from Tom. Tom still held a place in my heart even after everything. I find myself reminiscing the love we use to both share, before it was just me.

“How are you doing this?” He asks.

“A mothers love is something no one can explain. I knew once I found out I was pregnant with Mattheo, that I’d die for him. He became my world in a heartbeat and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I say. 

“Mom!” Mattheo shouts.

I glance over to see him throwing something my way. My wand. I throw Narcissa’s back and catch mine, quickly mouthing “I love you” to Mattheo. I turn back to Tom, gripping my wand tighter.

“Expelliarmus!” We shout.

A green stream of magic shoots out of his wand as a blinding white shoots out of mine. I step forward, gripping my wand tighter as my magic starts to overpower his. 

“You are not more powerful than me, do you not forget how you died.” He seethes.

“Don’t forget you played an unfair game. My wand was in the other room. Otherwise, I’m sure you’d be the one dead.” I seethe back, my eyes watching a young boy destroy the last horcrux: Nagini.

His magic begins to overpower mine and I focus on what I’m doing this for. Mattheo’s life. I focus on the anger I had for Tom taking away my ability to raise Mattheo. I focus on the anger of Tom killing me in front of Mattheo. I focus on my pain of loving and hating Tom Riddle. 

My magic overpowers him, sending his wand flying out of his hand. I catch his wand, glaring at Tom who looks at his hand that starts to turn to ash.

“It’s over Tom.” I say.

“I’ll be back.” He says.

I step forward until I stand in front of him and I grab his face as I look down at him with a blank look.

“No, you won’t. The dark magic you’ve used and using horcruxes for yourself, has ruined your chance of ever being a spirit. You're going straight to hell, Tom.” I whisper.

“And you say you loved me.” He says.

“I don’t love this version of you. I love the Tom Riddle I was with when we attended Hogwarts. That is the Tom Riddle I am in love with.” I say, stepping back. 

I watch as the rest of him turns to ash, looking down at the wand I held. My eyebrows furrow, noticing this wasn’t his wand. This was the Elder Wand. I turn and walk towards Professor McGonagall.

“I believe this goes to you.” I say.

“You always were…have been an incredible woman, Y/N. Go be with Mattheo…and then come back and let's talk about you staying here at Hogwarts.” She says.

I smile, before stepping away and turning to see that Mattheo was already watching me. He breaks into a sprint and I smile, opening my arms up and wrapping him in a tight hug. We sway back and forth, the both of us hugging each other like it was going to be our last time.

“I didn’t realize you were this tall. It’s different when I’m standing here with you and not off to the side.” I whisper.

“Please tell me you aren’t leaving me.” He pleads quietly.

“I’ll probably be joining Moaning Myrtle and the others here at Hogwarts. At least until I move on…but I’m not going to be moving on for a long while.” I say.

“Are you unhappy you can’t move on?” He asks quietly.

“No, no of course not, sweet boy. I’m here with you and that is all I could ever want. The day I move on is the day that you join me on this side…the spirit side. However, I hope that won’t be for a really long time. I hope to see you do many great things, Mattheo.” I say, smiling softly at him.

[askinkiskarma]

Cruel Summer | Chapter III: Clean

Pairings: Neteyam x (f)Human!Reader

Word Count: 6.6k words

Warnings/notes: angst, allusions to/mentions of smut, friends-with-benefits, mutual pining, some Spider x Reader, 18+ minors DNI

Synopsis: You and Neteyam learn to navigate life without the other.

A/N: Hey besties, I’m sorry that this took so long, but I’ve honestly been struggling a little on this website, and it’s taken quite the toll on me. It’s been a weird week(?), in which although I’ve never received more followers and more notes etc., I’ve also never felt more alone, and more disconnected from the platform and the people in it. I think you will be able to tell in the chapter as well. When I was posting the Cardigan series, although I had a lot less followers, I felt like people genuinely enjoyed/connected to the story, and I just don’t really feel that way anymore, and I think I’m still learning to deal with it. Anyway, personal issues aside, I really hope you enjoy this chapter! I think it’s only going to be another couple chapters in this story. I might however make an alternate ending to it? I’ve also had some inspiration for Midnight Rain Part II, and thank you so much for being patient with me with that story, it took me a while to understand what I wanted to do with it, as I wasn’t planning on it having a second part initially. Ramble over, I promise.

enjoy besties ily xoxo

: ̗̀➛ listen to Clean here : ̗̀➛ masterlist (x) : ̗̀➛ series masterlist (x)

The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

It was months and months of back and forth

You're still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore

“Come on… open the door, please?” 

Lo’ak’s voice was pleading and saddened, and so were Kiri’s soft sobs, but you pretended you couldn’t hear them, not their tone nor their words, because hearing them meant acknowledging it and you couldn’t. You couldn’t acknowledge them, or the previous few that tried. Not Jake, not Norm, not Neteyam. Definitely not Neteyam. You couldn’t open that door, because if you did, you would crumble at their feet, you would beg and scream and thrash, and you didn’t want to do any of those things. The anger you felt for all of them, each and every one of them was strong enough to drown any other emotion, any emotion other than overwhelming hurt and anguish that was threatening to tear you apart with each passing moment that these people were standing outside your door, every moment that passed in which they were still leaving, still leaving you behind, leaving you alone.

You were all alone. No matter how many years you have spent by their side, no matter how much Jake promised you were as much their kid as the rest of them, no matter how many hours and days and months and years you have spent stuck to Neteyam like glue, it was all in vain. It was all fake. You would never be a part of their family. All these years, you were just a family pet, that they would pass on to the next owners when the situation called for it. This thought was fuel enough for a new set of wailed cries that you tried to muffle with a hand over your mouth. It took a while, but eventually, they left you to your own devices, left you to deal with the mess they made, a mess you’ll never forgive them for. Never forgive him for.

At the dawn of a new day, the dreaded day, a new knock, more timid and timed bellowed, and the sound rang painfully in your ears. 

“Kid… they’re leaving. They really want to say goodbye to you… they all do. Tuk is crying, she’s saying you’re mad at her. Just… just please come out, honey, ok?” 

Tuk… 

“Tuk can come in. But that’s it.” You hoped Norm couldn’t make out how hoarse and broken your voice sounded, and hope he couldn’t tell that you cried so much in one night that you blacked out from dehydration, only to be woken up by his announcement.Sure enough, a few minutes later, Tuk came in through the door you just unlocked. You tried to wash your face and look a little more presentable, but as you took one swift look in the mirror, you knew it was pointless. You just prayed Tuk wouldn’t notice. 

“Come in, baby.” She ran into your arms and fastened her arms around your neck, and you were always shocked at how she was just as tall as you, and somehow even stronger. 

“Sister! I thought I wouldn’t get the chance to say goodbye.” She was crying, you realised, as her hot tears spilled down your back, getting absorbed in your cotton top. 

“Of course you would, baby. I am so sorry. I’m so sad that you’re going, so I needed some time, but I would never let you leave without telling you how much I’ll miss you, and that I love you so, so much. You’re the best little sister anyone could have ever asked for.” Her high-pitched cries tugged at your heart painfully, but you knew you had to be strong for her. She didn’t deserve any of it, any pain or hurt, anything other than pure bliss. 

“I love you, too! I want you to come with. Why can’t you come with?” 

You tried to ignore the way your entire body felt like it was being put through the meat grinder, and just focused on her, on her tears and her soft little hair that you caressed gently, and the way her head fit so well in the crook of your neck. 

“Because I’m human, baby. And where you are going, they wouldn’t like me. I wouldn’t fit in. But baby, look at me.” You brushed the unruly braids out of her face and her tears from her cheeks, giving her the biggest smile you could muster. “This isn’t goodbye forever. I will see you again soon, and I can’t wait to hear all the adventures you’ve had and all the memories you’ve made. I’m so proud of you, you know? One day, you’ll outgrow me, and I’ll get to watch you be the most amazing warrior ever, just like your mummy is. And I’ll still be your biggest cheerleader, and I’ll watch from the bleachers, like in the movies, do you remember?” 

She nods half-heartedly, but her face lights up a little, and you think the worst is over. 

“Come, I’m sure everyone’s waiting. I will miss you, sweet girl. Be safe.” 

You kissed her forehead and both of her cheeks, and with one last hug, she left. 

They left. He left.

Hung my head as I lost the war

And the sky turned black like a perfect storm

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

“How does it feel?” Neteyam watched as you eyed his queue, that was leisurely hung over his shoulder, a glimmer of curiosity in your eyes. He’s noticed you doing that for a while now, and when you were kids, he’s let you touch it once or twice, but it’s been years now, and the situation was no longer applicable. You were no longer just a friend, not quite a mate, somewhere in between, something undefined and awkward, something you didn’t talk about unless absolutely necessary. 

“How does what feel, Vol?” 

“The Tsaheylu. Connecting to another animal, another Na’vi. How does it feel?” 

“I thought you knew about from all your little books.” You rolled your eyes and huffed annoyedly. 

“Yes, I do. I know the theory. I know you use it to connect to other beings, to Eywa, I know you can feel each other’s emotions. I know all of that. But how does it feel?” 

Neteyam thought about it for a long time. How was he supposed to describe something that was so natural and so quintessential to his life, to his existence, to someone who would never be able to experience for themselves? 

“Do you know how sometimes we look at each other and we kind of just have a whole conversation just with one look? Because we know each other so well now, that words are not really necessary? Vol… I know everything you think, and everything you feel. I know you so deep in my soul, it’s hard to separate my own feelings from yours, my own thoughts. You’ve become so  essential to my being, it’s like you are a constant part of me.” 

He suddenly felt very vulnerable and exposed at the confession, and felt like he overshared something that may have been better left unsaid. 

“I mean, I-“ 

“I know what you mean.” 

You sighed and got closer to him, and you moved until you were in his lap, in your own little bubble of safety and comfort. It was your favourite place in the world, you once told him. 

“I know what you mean too well. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell where I stop and you start.” 

He felt relieved at your words, relieved to know you understood and felt the same. That you got him. 

“Well, there you go. That’s kinda how it feels like.” 

“But, how does it feel like? When you mate with someone, does it amplify the sensations, does it… make it better? Make it so you never want someone else ever again?” 

The saddened, desolate tone of your voice told Neteyam that you were moving into uncharted territory, that this conversation was taking a turn neither of you were ready or skilled enough to navigate safely. He didn’t know what was the right way to answer something like that. Because the truth was that yes, from his understanding, it did make it better. It made it more intense, more special, it made it everything. There was a reason Na’vi had sex with however many people they wanted, but only bonded with one. It was the bond that separated a sexual experience from a mating experience, from something you would only ever wanted to experience with just one special someone. But he couldn’t say that to you. Not when you didn’t have this ability and never will, not when he knew how much you wanted it, not when there was nothing neither of you could do about it. So he considered a different approach. 

“Do you want to touch it?” 

Neteyam’s never allowed anyone near his queue before. No Na’vi would. The kuru was for themselves, for their mates and for their mothers as infants. It was the most sensitive and intimate part of them, and so naturally, Neteyam was a little uneasy and nervous. But he trusted you. He loved you. He was in love with you, and would have given anything to mate with you, but maybe this will be enough. 

He laughed softly at the way your eyes widened in shock. You understood the implication of what he was asking you, and that scared you both. But still, almost bashfully, you nodded, a soft warm loving smile taking over your features. You softly reached for it and brushed your hands over the length that was draped over his shoulder, a touch so soft, so minuscule that it was barely there, but Neteyam’s whole body shuddered, goosebumps instantly appearing throughout his whole body. You quickly removed your hand, and looked guilty as you spoke. 

“I’m sorry. This was probably a bad ide-“ 

“Hey, stop.” 

Neteyam couldn’t help his fingers as they reached out and stroked you face and jaw, making their way down your throat and collarbone. He smirked a little when you shivered under his touch. 

“See? Did that feel bad?” 

You smiled and shook your head gently. 

“It doesn’t feel bad. It’s just… new. But I want you to do it, Vol. I want you to do it.” 

A little unnerved, you resumed your inspection of his braid, grabbing at as gently as you could and bringing it up to eye level. 

“The hair here is softer.” You mused, almost to yourself. “I love that.” 

Slowly, you moved downstream, until eventually, you reached its end, and gasped slowly as the pink tendrils came into view, moving a lot more erratically and enthusiastically than they normally did. 

“Why are they doing that?” 

“Because of you, Vol.” he said through panted breaths. He was experiencing a range and intensity of emotions he never had before, never in his life. The things you were doing to him, that only you ever did to him, the feelings you evoked in his mind and body, were now intensified a thousand fold, and he was crumbling under their weight. 

“It’s doing that because my body feels you. Feels what you’re doing, knows who you are.” He hesitated before speaking, but he needed to get it out, he had to get it out. “It’s doing that because it knows I’m close to someone it… it wants to mate with.” 

You removed your hand from him almost like his queue burned you. Your face contorted in a frown and you were struggling to push tears back in your eyes. 

“Oh. Well, unfortunately, that’s never going to be able to happen, so…” You removed yourself from his lap and started turning your back to him, but he caught you and held you in place. You were almost face to face like this, which Neteyam was happy about. He had to look into your eyes to get his point across. He had to look into your eyes to get the courage needed to say this. 

“Ma Vol, it doesn’t matter.” You scoffed, and the small movement of your head spilled unwanted tears, that you quickly brushed away with your thumb.

“Hey, look at me. Please?” You did so hesitantly. His thumb was caressing your face, your jaw and lips. 

“It doesn’t matter. Do you not understand, Vol?” He moved his hand to rest on your chest, above your heart. “I can feel you. I can feel everything you feel. I can feel feel it like I’m going through it. When you’re sad, I’m sad. When you’re happy or shy, or anxious or scared, when you are annoyed or excited, I feel it all. You see? It doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t you get it? It never mattered. Not with you.” A small moan escaped you at his words, that he knew you needed to hear, and he needed to speak out loud. He didn’t know what would happen, didn’t know if he should have, but as you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him, harsh and needy, he couldn’t find it in him to care. 

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

There was nothing left to do

When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room

So I punched a hole in the roof

Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you

Neteyam woke up with a mean headache, and he felt almost hungover. He always did these days, pain seeping through every dimension of his life, of his body and mind. The dreams were unrelenting, and they stung each night, so many memories, so many moments he wished he could go back to, that he wished he could relive… that he wish he could forget. It’s been weeks, yet your final interaction still haunts him. How could it not? He didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. Nineteen years of friendship, of being each other’s safety net were swiftly thrown out the window in a split second, and Neteyam found it difficult to cope with the gap you and your presence left behind. There was so much that had to change for him, it felt like every day was a new life he never asked for and didn’t want, but was forced to live through regardless. A strange purgatory, one with warm breezes and crystal clear water and golden sandy beaches. Probably not the worst of purgatories, if Neteyam was honest with himself, but even Heaven could easily feel like Hell under the right circumstances. 

“Ok kids, remember, no getting into trouble. Go meet Tsireya and Aonung and train. Pull your weight. Neteyam, once you’ve mastered the ilu, Tonowari said you can start learning how to tame the tsurak. Now let’s go show the Metkayina how the Omatikaya do things, alright, kids?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

Neteyam walked alongside his siblings to the meeting place they’ve been training every day for the past couple of weeks. As it turns out, the Metkayina can hold their breath underwater for up to 15 minutes, their bodies physically adapted to allow them to, and well… the Sullys couldn’t. So there was a lot of breathing training, on top of swimming lessons and ilu riding practice. Neteyam was frustrated to have to start anew, frustrated that he couldn’t fly every day, the way he has grown accustomed to for the past 6 years since completing his Iknimaya, frustrated that he went from being the future Olo’eyktan to a novice, to a nobody.

Despite everything, he tried. That was in his nature. He would always try, he would always give his best, and he would always make the best out of a bad situation, because that’s who he was. That’s who he had to be. The move left him broken and unmoored, with no purpose and no home, but Neteyam would still keep going, because his family depended on him, and that knowledge alone was enough to keep him afloat just a little while longer.

Neteyam couldn’t help be jealous of his little brother, who not only adapted, but he did so almost instantly. The new place felt immediately like home to the boy who has always felt alone and misunderstood, like a pariah and an outcast. It was the same here, yet somehow, the presence of the Olo’eyktan’s only daughter seem to lessen the blow and make him want to try harder than he ever has before. His breathing technique was better than all of theirs, except Kiri's, most likely due to the extra lessons he was getting every day from Tsireya. Neteyam was proud of Lo’ak, he really was. But he couldn’t shake the feeling of annoyance that once more, whilst Neteyam was plagued with insurmountable challenges and continuous sacrifices, Lo’ak once more got everything he’s wanted handed to him on a silver platter. He just wishes sometimes life could work out in his favour the same way, at least once. At least in one aspect. The one aspect. 

The days were long and tedious, but every day something happened that he wished he could tell you about, that he wished you could experience. You loved water. He could just about imagine your face, your thoughts, your every expression, every sound you would make, every undulation of your voice. He could imagine taking you to the mangrove forest and finding a spot just for the two of you, your screams of pleasure drowned by the greenery and the sounds of exotic birds. He could see you taking your mask off despite his complaints, and kissing him, deeply and passionately, smiling as his tongue explored your body, as your hands explored his. 

He missed you. He wondered if you missed him too, or if the hatred that probably fuelled your days prevented you from doing so. 

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

“I’ve missed you.” 

You were a mess of tangled limbs on your bed, Neteyam’s warmth enveloping you like a cozy blanket, much more so than the one currently covering you both. His voice was thick and laced with languor, and so sweet, it was making your eyes flutter closed in bliss and soothing relaxation. 

“I’ve missed you, too, Teyam.” 

Neteyam’s large hand cupped your face, lifting it gently so he could meet your eyes, smiling softly as he did. 

“Ma Vol… are you happy?” 

Neteyam’s loaded question took you by surprise, and woke you from your near-sleep. You thought about it for a while, pondering the weight of the word. Happy. Were you happy? Happiness was such a strange, abstract concept to you. On one hand, yes, you were. So, so happy. In this moment, you were happy. In every moment you were in his arms, every moment he laughed at your silly jokes, or watched you intently as you spoke about your day, in every moment he was just who he was, your best friend, your confidant, your boyfriend and mate for all intents and purposes, except the one that mattered most. And there was the flip side, the ugly monster, that was ever-present and following you everywhere you went, marring even the most serene, the most beautiful, the happiest memories. The truth. The truth was the antithesis of happiness. Because the truth told you that one day, Neteyam would up and leave you, and when he did, your life as you have come to know it for 19 years will change. Because let’s be honest. Not only will you lose him as a lover, as an unofficial boyfriend, but you knew you would lose him as a friend. You knew that whoever it was that would be his mate would not approve of your friendship, and that, in time, even that will dwindle and fall apart, leaving you completely on your own. 

Still, all of that was far away in the future in your mind, and telling Neteyam any of it meant admitting feelings you shouldn’t be harbouring to begin with, so you settled for a white lie. A harmless lie. A necessary lie.

“I am, Teyam.” 

“Are you?” 

“Right now, I am.” 

“Good. Because so I am. I know it’s strange. I hate this place, you know. So many horrible things have come out of it, so much hurt and pain and death, but somehow, being here with you… this room, this bed. Somehow it feels like home. And I think it’s you. I think you’re my home.” 

You tightened your grip on his body and didn’t say anything as you allowed yourself the respite of his words, and the hope of tomorrow.

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

You woke up in pain, and crying, as you did most nights these days. You were slowly losing hope the nightmares would ever stop, that his face would ever be erased from your mind, both conscious and unconscious, tugging at every strand of sanity you had left, any shred of self-preservation still keeping you going. It’s been long enough that you thought the pain should have subsided by now. Long enough that maybe, just maybe, the world wouldn’t be as dark and gloomy anymore, that maybe while not the whole sun, but at least one ray of it could penetrate the ice that wrapped around your heart, slowly thawing it. But your world was still dark and filled with dim shadows and water that was slowly filling every chamber of your heart and lungs, slowly drowning you. 

You got out of bed with a sigh and turned on the shower, water so hot it felt almost scalding on your skin, the only way you showered these days, the only way it was bearable, the only way. Because this way, in your mind, little by little, every inch of skin on your body he ever touched was slowly melting away, and in time, all the cells that died would be replaced with new ones, and in time, your body will be rid of his imprint and then, maybe then, you could finally be free. 

You made your way to the dining area, determined to be a productive member of society at least to some extent today, determined to not spend yet another day in bed, replaying the same 10 songs that only made you sadder, or the same show that you have seen so many times you have memorised by heart. Most of the humans and Avatars were there, enjoying some breakfast prior to a long day ahead. There was yet another attacked planned today. Tarsem was a good leader. Strong and capable, unrelenting in his quest to impede as many of the human developments as he possibly could. He was not deterred by the Recoms and he had faith in Eywa’s ability and desire to protect her world and her people, and so far, he has been right. Even with Avatars, they have not been able to find the new Omatikaya base of operations, and you have even found some of them dead in the woods, mostly likely as a result of an attack by all the ikran that lived in the mountains. 

“Morning, honey.” Max sent a wide smile your way, that you tried your best to reciprocate. 

“Coffee?” The words were music to your ears. You’ve only tasted coffee a couple of times when you were young, before the provisions depleted, but now, with all the trains and helicopters that the Na’vi and Avatars managed to take down, the stronghold had plenty to spare once more.

“Yes, please.” Norm poured you the magic liquid and took a sip of it himself, sighing happily to himself. 

“You know, it really does suck that the humans came back, but my God, this is definitely a silver lining.” 

You chuckled a little. 

“I doubt the Na’vi will see it that way, Norm.” 

“No, but outside of coffee and burgers and all the other human things we’ve missed, Tarsem is incredible, kid! We have so many lab supplies, reagents and equipment that we are still trying to unpack, categorise and put together. It’s incredible all the stuff they brought with them. It’s almost like all the stuff we used to do on Earth, they’re trying to bring here. Who knows what we could do with all of it?” 

“After breakfast, I can help you with it. This way we can go through it faster and figure it out?” 

“That’d be great, kid.” 

“Where’s Spider?” 

“He’s training with the Olo’eyktan and his men. You know? Tarsem loves him!” Norm laughs heartily. You raise an eyebrow. 

“Seriously?” 

“Yeah, kid! Turns out 19 years of training with Neteyam and Lo’ak under Jake’s supervision really did make him quite the fighter. Now, he’s obviously never going to be able to take the Iknimaya or be one of the people, but Tarsem sees a true warrior in him. Can you believe that?” 

You couldn’t really, but you also couldn’t help the swell of pride that overtook you. It was nice to know there was some hope for the humans in the clan after all.

“Why don’t you go with him? You’ve also trained with the kids growing up. I know you split your time between that and being in the lab, but kid, it’s worth a shot. There’s a whole life out there waiting for you, and this way, you get to feel more integrated with the village. This is what you’ve wanted all your life, isn’t it?” 

Yeah, you thought bitterly. A different life. 

Despite everything, you took Norm’s advice, and spent your time training with Spider and the Na’vi warriors, deepening your understanding of guns, practicing bow and arrows and even learning hand to hand combat from the human Avatars. In the spare time, you helped in the lab, doing experiments and organising all the overwhelming amounts of new things you were receiving from all the raids. It was a good distraction, and it kept you busy sun up til sun down, each day, every day.

You and Spider got closer by the day, even closer somehow than you used to be. You cleaned his wounds and he helped clean yours, although he didn’t know much about how to do it, but in time, you taught him and you enjoyed the feeling of another person helping you, another person healing you. You almost felt the edges of the gaping hole in your chest start to close when you spent your days together.

But no amount of distraction could really keep the nightmares away when they wanted to come and haunt you in the night.

Ten months sober, I must admit

Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it

You woke up panting, crying and tugging at your night gown in an effort to make the pain stop, the gaping hole in your heart that hurt still as badly as that first day, that never seemed to get any smaller, that refused to heal. You barely registered the door to your bedroom sliding open with a soft whoosh, but jumped when you noticed a dark figure approaching you slowly. 

“Spider, you scared the shit out of me.” 

“Sorry. I just heard you scream, I was worried about you.” 

You looked at Spider, your eyes adjusted to the dark enough to make out his beautiful face and his dreads that were getting longer by the day. He needs a haircut, you decided mindlessly. You had to admit his presence was soothing to you, his presence in this room that only Neteyam truly ever came in, that only Neteyam ever slept in, that only Neteyam knew as well and intimately as you did. But Neteyam wasn’t here. Neteyam would never be here again. You winced at the sharp burst of pain that shot through you at the thought. 

“I’m alright. Thanks for asking. Just had a nightmare.” 

Spider sighed, picking at something on his arm. 

“Yeah. I get those too.” 

You barely stopped to consider what Spider must be going through, too self-involved in your own heartbreak to recognise his own, one that was probably closer to yours that you could have ever thought. You lost Neteyam, but Spider lost Kiri. You both lost a Sully, both lost a love you cared for deeply, more than anyone could ever understand except the other. 

“Ok, well, sleep well. Let me know if you need anything.” 

You saw Spider turn around and make his way towards the exit, and you could’t help the voice that came out uninvited. 

“Can you… stay? Please? I don’t want to be alone.” 

Spider stopped in his tracks, still turned away from you, and you watched as the atmosphere of the room shifted, as the silence became thicker than it had been a few moments ago. 

“Yeah… yeah, I can stay.” He slowly walked towards your desk chair that had a few clothes thrown carelessly on it, that he removed and put on your desk instead. He sat down, playing with the height and back support controls. 

“Goodnight, gorgeous.” 

You laughed quietly. 

“Spider, I meant stay with me.” You shuffled on one edge of your bed and patted the other side. You watched his eyes go wide and mouth agape, as he stared at you in shock. 

“You don’t have to, if you’re uncomfortable with it.”

He shook his head and lowered his eyes to the ground. “No, it’s not that, it’s just…” 

“Spider, it’s ok. Forget I asked, ok?” 

“Oh, shut up. I want to, ok? I just needed a second to adjust. Jeez.”

In true Spider fashion, he stomped over to the bed and got under the covers, and slowly turned around to face you. This was a strange feeling to adjust to for sure. You’ve never had a normal sized person in this bed before. You’ve never had anyone else in here before except Neteyam. Spider looked tiny by comparison, even though the young man was almost a whole head taller than you. Your synchronised breaths were the only thing filling up the tense, awkward silence. 

“This is a little weird.”

You couldn’t help chuckle. Well, at least one of you acknowledged it. 

“A little.” You admitted. “But I’m glad you’re here, Spider.” He gave you a boyish, crooked smile, one that you’ve grown up seeing develop, just like the rest of him had. You never really paid attention to Spider before. To you, he was just your weird, Tarzan-impersonator, lanky and smelly friend, someone that was just always there. After Neteyam, you never really paid attention to anyone, especially of the opposite sex. Why would you? Any second spent on such affairs was a second wasted, in your mind. But now, Neteyam was gone. Neteyam would move on, and he’d find a mate, whether in the Metkayina or back here, if he ever return. It was time for you to pay attention, it seemed. And you did.

Spider grew up into a beautiful man. He was tall and strong, a testimony to the entire life dedicated to living as close to a Na’vi as he possibly could in this body, that was pure muscle. He was completely naked barring a pair of boxers, and even in the cover of darkness, you couldn’t help trace his biceps and pecs, his pronounced collarbones, and settle you gaze on his face, still kind and innocent, still the same kid you’ve known your whole life. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” you smiled a little, almost bashful that he caught you, not that you were in any way subtle about it.

“You’re beautiful, you know? I think I’ve always been caught up in my own bullshit to really notice, and I’m sorry for that.” He rolled his eyes, but the blush in his cheeks was so intense it was noticeable even in the dim light coming from the bioluminescent glow of the nature right outside your window. 

“You mean caught up in Neteyam.” 

It was your turns to blush, hard enough that your cheeks felt like they caught fire. He laughs at you. 

“It’s ok. You’re not the only one who knows what it’s like to love someone you can never have, and also not the only one who did things Neytiri would kill you for if she ever found out.” He opened up his arms. 

“Come here.” 

You hesitated for a second, but couldn’t help the sudden need to be held again, to allow yourself the chance of some sort of connection, some sort of lull in a sea of storms and heartache. Once in his arms, you were once again painfully aware of the difference between him and the man you’ve come to know by heart, the man that still held every part of you hostage, trapped in his hold.

“I know you’ve had a really tough time, and I know that you’re angry, and that most of all, you’re sad that it’s over. I am, too. But the rest of us are still here, you know? The rest of the world is still here. And I think maybe it’s time you give it a chance. Who knows what will happen?” 

“How can you be so ok with it? They left us. They abandoned us.” His hand was calloused, but warm and gentle and it caressed up and down your back, and the touch, so familiar and yet so different, brought tears in your eyes as you found yourself wishing once more other hands, bigger and bluer, could do it instead. 

“They had no choice. You really think any of them would abandon their home, their family, the forest… any of it, if they could help it?”

You were surprised at Spider’s words and way of thinking, so much more nuanced and level-headed than yours. You knew he was right. You knew it in your head that you shouldn’t blame any of them, shouldn’t blame him, that this was probably even harder for them that it would ever be for you, and yet still, your head and your heart rarely ever got along or saw eye to eye. Your heart was aching, shooting its poisoned blood all throughout your body with every heartbeat, trickling onto every cell, every ounce of you it could get to, making a mess out of you, leaving you reeling and broken, full of hatred and resentment.

“Don’t you… miss her?” He sighed, and stilled his hand movement on the nape of your neck. “I do. I miss them all. But this is a chance to prove myself, to live and show people that I am more than the Sullys’ little pet. And I will take this opportunity and give it everything I got. I suggest you do the same.”

“You should sleep. I’m gonna kick your ass in practice tomorrow otherwise.” 

And so you did. And for the first time in months, you had a peaceful night. 

Ten months older, I won't give in

Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it

The peace didn’t last, as it never seemed to, as Norm burst in the lab one day when you were doing some experiments. 

“Kid. I just heard from Jake.”

The mention of Jake’s name stilled you in your tracks. The name and the names associated with it could always do that, will always do that, even though it’s been months. You knew Jake would never risk their cover to get in touch, so whatever the reason for this was, it was serious. You felt a lump in your throat, restricting your airways, making the breaths you took shallow and uneven.

“What’s the matter?” 

”It’s Kiri. Something happened to her underwater. She’s unconscious. Jake asked us to come right away.”

Kiri… your sister in all the ways that mattered, you loved this girl with all your heart. The thought of anything bad happening to her was unthinkable to you. Another thought crept unwelcome in your mind, increasing the lump now completely obstructing your breath, that got stuck in your airways. Spider… 

Trying to calm your thoughts, you spoke, and the voice scratched your throat painfully on its way out. 

“Did you t-… did you tell him?” 

“He’s out in the forest. There is no time. Me and Max are going now. Kid… I think you should come with.” 

Eyebrows raised and mouth agape, you struggled to gather your thoughts enough to speak, only soft mumbles coming out instead. 

“W-wh-“ 

“Because I think there’s a lot left unsaid. I know you’re angry, and you have a right to be, far be it from me to tell you how to feel, but…” he sighed, and you could tell he felt uneasy speaking to you about this. “Spider got some closure. You didn’t. Take it from an old man, life’s too short to not have some peace of mind. Kiri’s unwell, and if something happens to her, you will regret for the rest of your life not having said a proper goodbye when they left, when they wanted to.”

“I know it’s not what you want to hear, but they did think they were protecting you by leaving. You know they love you, kid. You’re their sister, their best friend. You’re as good as Jake’s daughter. They wouldn’t have left if they ever thought they had a choice.” 

“Look, you don’t have to come. I just want what’s best for you, and I think isolating yourself the way you’ve been doing for months isn’t what’s best for you. Just come. Help us save Kiri, say your peace to the Sully family and then maybe you can move on, honey. And who knows… maybe you and Spider…” 

You refused to think about his last sentence and focused on how your mind was short-circuiting at his other words, at his desire for you to join, at the thought of seeing them again. Of seeing him again. Your heart was beating so hard it felt like it was trying to escape your ribcage, and you ran your hand up and down your arms in order to remove the sweat that was gathering on your skin. You knew you probably shouldn’t, you knew that you were better off never seeing them again and forgetting the way his touch and his presence and his voice still had the power to make your knees buckle under the weight of what he meant to you, of the calamitous love you will always feel for him, but another thought, more pressing and urgent, more demanding, made you speak before your mind could intervene. 

“Fine. Let’s go.” 

The drought was the very worst

When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

Taglist: @liluvtojineteyam @pinkpantheris @netemoon @fanboyluvr@bananafruityawne @liluvtojineteyam @zaddyneteyamlovergirl @netemoon @www-interludeshadow-com

[horuslupercal]

got asked on the Guilliman post so

How Primarchs Cry (To Me)

Lion: represses and represses and represses and then hides away in a closet squished into the corner like a cat on its deathbed but otherwise cries pretty normally. do not point it out to him. gets defensive if you point it out

Fulgrim: gets headaches from crying so hard. keeps a handkerchief nearby because his face gets all gross. at some point in every hardcore crying session he verbally says, "enough." because it annoys him

Perturabo: trying everything in his power to give off the vibe that he never cries. takes every breath very carefully to make sure it's silent, confidently strides off away from this shit (hides away), etc

Khan: is fine, is fine, is fine, and then he's laying in bed and suddenly has to bolt upright to cry into his hands because holy shit that's sure a wave of emotion. it's okay, it'll pass, but hooooly shit at this exact moment it hurts. doesn't want to be seen but it's not the worst thing in the world if he is

Russ: crawls under Freki and Geri like when they were pups and cries for a good while. at some point he rolls over and runs his hand over his face and then grabs one of his brothers around the neck for a wrestle session and he's either fine or he's fine enough to keep on keeping on

Dorn: goes to a private room, does the "I am in control of my emotions" like Spock in that one TOS episode, and then spins around and puts his fist through the wall. opens the door with a hole in the wall and his hair no longer perfectly coiffed and his face blotchy and red and tells you he wasn't crying

Konrad: either silently weeping or wailing like a banshee. never in between. he doesn't choose which.

Sanguinius: the only primarch who can pretty cry but only up to a certain level. at some point he starts screaming and wailing like a fox caught in a bear trap and doubling over in pain and his hair gets all stuck to his face

Ferrus: throws tantrums. doesn't collapse to the floor like a toddler but does start breaking things. makes fun of the reason for his upset -- the mid-funeral roast session in some au where Fulgrim dies pre-heresy would get him cancelled on twitter because it's the only way he can deal with something that shattering. I'm pretty sure I got that headcanon from @luwupercal actually

Angron: cries for all sorts of reasons. sometimes the nails make him cry, not because they hurt or because he hates them but just because they're directly fucking with his brain chemistry. that's the kind of passive cry where he's crying but it's not an event, it's just his tear ducts doing their thing. used to seek out comfort from his siblings in the pit when he was crying from emotion, now he flips tables and screams

Guilliman: an asthmatic pug caught in a plastic ring. gasping for air, sounds like he's being strangled, the works. sounds like he's dying

Mortarion: also sounds asthmatic, on account of the asthma. his tear ducts don't work right so he doesn't really "cry" so much as hyperventilate and occasionally dry heave

Magnus: the crying is what it is, the psychic crying is the real event. his aura gets real sticky and slow and sad, like syrup, and has a tendency to kind of. contaminate other people with his grief unless he specifically stops it from doing that. I feel like he cries when he's mad, too

Horus: sits down and covers his mouth with his hand and puts his elbow on his knee and cries like that. for some reason I feel like it's especially weird for the luna wolves to see him cry -- it's always weird to see your parent cry, but it's extra weird for them and I'm not sure why. horus sitting on a couch crying with his head in his hands and two luna wolves sending panicked looks at each other 👍

Lorgar: compresses/hugs himself so hard he can't breathe, digs his nails into his skin, etc. we saw in the first heretic that he makes himself physically uncomfortable about grief and that's really stuck with me tbh. doesn't really.... know how to cry without also being in physical pain about it

Vulkan: bows his head and weeps, standing right where he is. weirdly bad at being okay with his own grief specifically -- he'll comfort a brother without issue, but his own makes him feel on edge and sedentary and he needs to move and do something and not stand here being sad, he needs to take action, he can't let it be sticky and slow

Corvus: repression king. he can't cry right now he's too BUSY. fuck this shit. and then there's a trigger and he shatters like a popsicle bridge with too much weight on it. the year of isolation before his departure definitely involved a blanket burrito

Alpharius Omegon: how do they need to cry for this scenario?

[florawrites-blog]

Play Pretend

The Tragedy and Aftermath

Jake's heart was in pieces as he made the hardest decision of his life in the hospital room. When the doctors asked him whether he wanted to save his wife or their unborn twins, he didn’t hesitate. "Of course my wife. I would choose her over my children every day. What’s the use of these children without the person who created them? What would I do with them if I can’t share them with my beautiful wife?"

Unbeknownst to him, his wife had already made a choice. She knew her condition was worsening and that she wouldn’t survive the birth. She chose to save the babies, knowing Jake would be devastated but ultimately giving him a part of her to hold on to. After the birth, Jake was handed his two healthy babies, but the joy was short-lived as his wife succumbed to her condition.

The grief was unbearable. Jake, unable to imagine a world without his beloved wife, felt his life had lost all meaning. Just days later, overwhelmed by sorrow, he took his own life, leaving the twins orphaned.

2. The Unlikely Guardians

You and Sunghoon, Jake’s best friend and your lifelong rival after a incident that happened in highschool of him hurting a girl maybe not intentionaly but you've hated him since then and also because of academic reasons, were called to the hospital where the tragic news was delivered. Both of you were shocked or at least you were, not just by the loss of your friends, but by the news that you had been named as the godparents to the newborns. Despite your complicated history with Sunghoon, you couldn’t refuse the responsibility handed to you, though it wasn’t what either of you had planned for your lives.

The reality of raising twins hit hard, especially for you. You had never been comfortable around children, let alone newborns and you had to raise them with who? Sunghoon, an FBI agent, whom was known for his nonchalant personality and for being known as a the women attracter not one person who saw him didnt want to get in his pant. he was often away on assignments, leaving you to handle the day-to-day care of the twins. You even had to take a break from your demanding job as a lawyer, something that grated on you as you had always prided yourself on being a high achiever. The burden of this unexpected role was overwhelming.

Nights were the hardest. The twins’ cries filled the house, but sometimes you felt so helpless and exhausted that you locked yourself in the bathroom, crying on the floor while they wailed in the other room. On one such occasion, Sunghoon arrived home finally getting the sense of respnsiblities , only to find the twins screaming their lungs out. The sight of them alone, tears streaming down their tiny faces, filled him with anger he was angry but he didn't really know why was it you he was angry at or was it him whom never cared enough to show a face around this house or what was it that filled him with anger that he didt know which is why, When he finally found you, he was furious so furious that he had to spit his useless venom on you.

“Seriously, Y/N? What kind of responsible person leaves babies crying like that?” he snapped, his voice cold and harsh.

You unable to hold back anymore argued back, the tension between you both flaring up once again. But his words cut deep for no reason at all you were doing your best truly you were dealing with grief and you were dealing with sorrow and you understood that he was too but his words cut too deep, leaving you feeling more isolated than ever.

3. Sunghoon's Return

For the first year, you felt like a single mother. Sunghoon did help but you felt like it was minimal, limited to providing necessities and only necessities like diapers, cribs, food etc. Yes you were thankful for that at least he did provide something but at the same time. You were drowning in the responsibilities that weren’t meant to be yours alone. But then,out of nowhere, Sunghoon started to step up, taking on more of a fatherly role maybe it was pity or guilt whatever it was . It was infuriating—where was he when you had sacrificed your job and your life to care for these babies? You tried not to rage at him but you raged at him anyway , your anger spilling over as you confronted him about his sudden involvement. you felt selfish and protective like they were your kids why is he suddenly butting in.

Despite your unneeded resentment, you both knew you had to put aside your differences for the sake of the twins. You agreed to play house, going as far as couple’s therapy to try and make this arrangement work. Both of you are at the wrong at a point you were to mad at sunghoon and were unable to see the good in him and he was so cold and unavailable but either way whatever it is between you . You had to work it out and you were in the progress of it But along the way feelings that had always simmered beneath the surface between you began to stir but this time they werent bad ones they were weird ones the ones that makes your stomach flutter.

4. The Unspoken Connection

Nights after nights and days after days both of you were actually pretty decent with each other sunghoon wasnt always home and you respected that because he had a job and you on the other hand started working from home you once hated the idea of children but now couldnt leave their side not even for a little while, you and sunghoon were really trying your best to seem like a healthy couple not just for these kids but also for your parents whom both built a idea in their head of both of you being togheter.

5. dominance

One night, Sunghoon came home to find you asleep on the floor next to the twins. The sight of you, so peaceful and beautiful, struck him in a way he hadn’t expected. He gently carried the twins to their rooms before returning to you. As he traced the lines of your face, brushing your hair away, he felt something he had long ignored. You looked too peaceful, too perfect, and it made him feel like he was losing his mind.

Carefully, he lifted you into his arms, carrying you to your room. But as he turned to leave, you clung to him, your grip tight, as if you couldn’t let go. He hesitated for a moment before finally lying down beside you, holding you close.

When the sound of a baby crying woke you in the middle of the night, you jumped up, but Sunghoon shushed you back to sleep, insisting he would handle it. As he left to tend to the twins, he realized something—he had always wanted to be there for you, to share this responsibility. But he hadn’t been ready. Now, with his feelings laid bare, he knew he was ready to commit, to be there for you and the twins, no matter what.

tried something new i started off strong then got bored midway so hope you roses like it .

[jumpywhumpywriter]

"I Want You to Scream" -- Hero Tortured by Villain, Intimate Whumper part 3

Warnings: chains/restraints, severe torture, blood, cauterization, iron rod branding, knives, intimate whump, etc.

"My, you sure are tense," Villain giggled as he shivered again.

Hero made an effort to still himself, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of knowing he was afraid -- but his body betrayed him, and he couldn't stop shaking, small tremors wracking his whole form. He wasn't just afraid, he was terrified. Such a new feeling for the typically fearless hero.

It was worse now that he couldn't see what Villain was doing. So much worse. He didn't know what to expect. What to brace himself for.

But it certainly startled him when he felt soft lips kiss the back of his sweaty neck -- a characteristic theme for Villain, he'd noted, before the real torture started. Pleasure for her before pain for him.

Villain's warm breath ghosted over his skin as she pulled back, and Hero cried out in surprise as a sharp blade bit into the back of his shoulder, unexpectedly with no warning.

Villain started slicing methodically into Hero's back, driving maddening screams and wails from him as she began her artwork.

The pain was unbearably intense, and Hero didn't even try to suppress his screams. There was no way he could hold back the sounds of his suffering. All hope of maintaining composure was long gone.

A rough hand tangled in his hair, shoving his face down into the pillow that muffled another ragged shriek as Villain's weight shifted, allowing her access to a new patch of untouched skin on his lower back that she dug into without hesitation.

It must have gone on for hours, because Hero passed out several times, before snapping awake shortly after each time to even more agony as Villain viciously carved elaborate, elegant designs into him until his flesh was a fancy mosaic of blood and injuries.

His struggles were losing steam, his screams devolving into agonized whimpers and choked sobs as he cried helplessly into the pillow, staining it with tears. His whole back was on fire, and he could feel trails of his own blood rolling down his sides to hit the mattress. The white bedsheets turned red with Hero's blood as they soaked it up.

"Nnnhhh... Please... Please no more..." Hero moaned pathetically, twitching weakly beneath Villain. He was only half-conscious from the splitting pain spearing his body. He sucked in a raspy breath of air as Villain grabbed his hair and wrenched his head back as far as it would go, making it hard to breathe.

Hero's eyes fluttered, going in and out of focus before he managed to lock his gaze onto Villain's blurry face, peering dizzily at her. He must have lost a lot more blood than he thought.

He could see Villain's mouth moving, but couldn't comprehend what she was saying, too out of it with pain.

Then, all at once, the weight on his back disappeared, along with the hand in his hair, and he was distantly aware of the room's door slamming open.

In his peripheral he could see several figures barge in, and through the buzzing haze in his mind he recognized them as his teammates. They had finally found him.

A rattling breath of relief escaped Hero. His friend's horrified shouts were muffled and warped to him as his hearing went, before his sight followed a heartbeat later. The last thing he was aware of was someone taking the metal cuffs off his wrists before the darkness claimed him completely.

⏪️ Back Next ⏩️

Masterlist

@scoundrelwithboba

[beneathsilverstars]

DO YOU HAVE ANY. headcanons about!! families?? outside of the party??

if not, relationships with food / cooking :]

Mira's family dynamics I talked about recently! Only child, lots of pressure to be her parents' perfect coddled baby, they loved her but couldn't love her bc they never gave her space to be herself. Let's say she has a mom and a dad, both trans. I think her parents struggled with infertility and had a previous late-term miscarriage — lots of time to desperately plan out their perfect family, and not much hope of a second child on whom to pin any of those dreams. They're so sad that she's not really in contact with them anymore, but they don't push it because they know they did something wrong, even if they don't quite get what they should've done instead.

Mira tried her best to go along with their plans and act properly as a child, but withdrew more and more as a teenager, then left at age 16. She didn't run away, and technically her parents gave their blessing, but they had a huge fight about it which had never really happened before. Sometimes Mira considers reaching out, but she feels too guilty about making her dad cry like that, and then upset that she feels guilty, etc. Easier to stay strangers.

-

Isabeau we know has a huge family! I think he has three older siblings and two younger (which means he has no older child responsibility, but also no younger child attention). Let's make them up real quick! But only with initials, I can't pull out names that fast.

31 - F - rebellious, angrily resists getting parentified 30 - J - overly kind, helps raise the younger kids, stressed 27 - M - neat freak, lots of hobbies/activities 24 - Isa - quiet, allergic to bothering anyone 23 - D - very sensitive both emotionally and sensorily 21 - L - fussy baby to loud and rambunctious child

The combination of D and L was very difficult! L knocks over D's tower, D starts wailing, L starts screaming, D cries so hard they throw up, etc. Also L's favorite activity from age 2-4 was escaping the house and exploring by herself! And that's why she was the last kid.

Let's say, two moms. Decent people, and good parents for the older couple kids at first, they love kids and looove babies! But they're a bit impulsive, and very stubborn, and really started to struggle with the last two kids. They still did a pretty good job with the most urgent issues, but they just didn't have time or energy for anything that wasn't an urgent issue.

Isabeau's parents often praised him for being so easy — you never cause trouble, you take care of yourself, you're so responsible! So he never went to them when he did maybe need help. Got good at teaching himself skills and repressing difficult emotions and not taking up space. Didn't protest chores, or other people not doing their chores. Didn't invite friends over. Didn't complain. Oh, Isabeau, so self-sufficient you hardly know he's there!

He got really good at reading a room! He's seen many a tantrum and argument, and quietly learned which resolution methods worked better or worse and even usually reasoned out why. He just... never did anything with that knowledge, because stepping in to mediate involves stepping in and becoming part of that conflict. Scary! And it's not like any of his siblings would listen to him, anyway, they barely remember he exists.

For the first half of his childhood, one of his mom's siblings lived with them too, along with their two kids. The cousins were nice enough, but 2 and 5 years older than F, and kinda fed up with all the young children pestering them. Though, out of everyone Isa was the favorite of the younger of the two, because he wasn't annoying and made a useful sounding board for her schoolwork. Isa got to learn about advanced topics and sometimes receive cool trinkets! Still not a super strong relationship, but he was devastated when she reached adulthood and moved out.

-

We know Odile's mom left when she was very young, I'm gonna say 1.5 years. She got past the baby period and went fuck, it's not getting easier? It's just getting different kinds of difficult? It's going to be difficult for the next 16.5 years??? And skedaddled. Odile's dad had also been ready for things to settle back into normalcy now that the baby was sleeping through the night and eating normal food, and was absolutely blindsided by his partner leaving. He got extremely depressed and relied a lot on community support to help care for Odile for the next little while.

Once Odile was walking and talking like a person, he was able to pull himself together and be there for her, and loved her so ferociously. But sometimes her laugh or something would remind him too much of her mom and he would kinda check out for the rest of the day. He hated thinking about his ex and then he'd start to hate her and then get so, so sad. Maybe even hate Odile for a moment and get even sadder. Why can't he just be content? Odile's the only light in his life, she's what makes everything worth it, why does he still wish he had her mom back instead?

Pobody's nerfect though and he did pretty well! Odile was a fairly cranky toddler because she just couldn't do all of the things that she so desperately wanted to be able to do (also trauma), but once she got past those first 5 years of constant developmental leaps, she mellowed out a lot. So she didn't mind hanging out and coloring or reading a book by herself while her dad was "taking a nap" (staring at the ceiling fighting his inner demons). And she love love loved all the things he did with her, reading and gardening and especially shopping — she got to write the grocery list and count out the money and everything! She got cranky-frustrated again as a teen, on top of increasingly complex feelings about her mom and realizing her dad is depressed as fuck, but they had a strong enough bond to make it through that phase okay.

At some point in her 20s Odile made him go to therapy! It helped, and so did anti-depressants. He even started dating again eventually and now has a nice husband, who Odile was quite wary of at first and generally not interested in getting to know. She's glad her dad is happier now, though! I think he's still alive during ISAT, but getting fairly old since he and his wife were a bit on the older side when Odile was born.

-

Bonnie is 11 years old during canon and Pétronille is 20; she ran away from home when Bonnie was 4 and she was freshly 14. She saw that their parents were starting to treat Bonnie the way they treated her, now that they were a full kid instead of a useless toddler, and she got them the fuck out of there!

(cw for the next paragraph: abusive parents, person who is both abusive and mentally ill and abused)

Nille is bipolar with psychotic symptoms, and I've been going back and forth on this but I'm gonna say yes it runs in the family and her mom was bipolar as well. She didn't really give a shit about her kids, she had them because that's what you do! She made Nille do most of the housekeeping, and help with her schemes to turn their lives around for real this time: surely if I perfect this recipe I can open a restaurant, surely if we rearrange the furniture I'll stop hating this house, surely if I buy and wear the right necklace my partner will love me again, etc. The second baby was an attempt to fix her relationship, and while she'd thought baby Nille was cute and had enjoyed the intense new baby-mom relationship, she got sick of baby Bonnie even faster and foisted their care onto Nille. Their dad was worse! He bonded with the person he did because he knew she'd be totally reliant on him, and he had kids because he wanted more people to control. Mom sometimes tried to stand up for the kids, but always quickly gave up and withdrew more or turned on them instead.

So! Nille stole her mom's jewelry, put Bonnie in a wheelbarrow and walked as far as she could. She ended up in Bambouche. She started working for a trio who fished and ran a shop/restaurant; she prepared the fish and washed dishes and other odd jobs, and she was allowed to bring Bonnie with her. Some people offered to take the two of them in, or babysit Bonnie, but she did not trust like that. So everyone just quietly patronized that shop a little extra so the trio could afford to do things like say "oh no I bought this huge bag of the wrong kind of rice, can't just serve a different kind, but I don't want it, guess I'll throw it away unless you could use it..?"

Eventually she started trusting her neighbors enough to directly accept leftovers and hand-me-downs, let Bonnie play at their houses, etc. Right in time for her bipolar disorder to really hit! She tried so hard to keep forcing herself through the motions for Bonnie, but one day she went into work manically ranting about how she was going to destroy Bonnie's life just like her parents did hers and her bosses were like woah there! They closed shop for the day to focus on checking on Bonnie and making sure they had babysitting arranged, finding Nille a therapist, and reassuring Nille that Bonnie was safe, and everyone will help make sure that Bonnie stays safe, and she can get help too so she can keep being a great gaurdian.

By pre-canon she is on anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers and knows a fuckton of coping mechanisms! She fishes now and sells her catches herself, and while she works Bonnie goes to school and runs around the village with the other kids and pesters travelers for stories and whatnot.

-

I don't have super solid headcanons for Siffrin's family yet because it makes me soo sad to imagine their family missing them or not-missing them or obliterated. So I'm trying to let myself just leave it open so I can practice the skill of "deciding on worldbuilding facts as they become relevant to your story instead of typing out an entire bible first". But let's say he had three parents and two siblings, which is pretty standard for the island, and lots of cousins and family friends. Someone or other is holding a huge cookout at least twice a week, and, and Siffrin was a really kind-but-mischievious older sibling and, bwahhhh 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

He sailed off for a couple hours at age 15 because his baba's super strict about everyone trying a bite of every food every time, yes even if you're sure you hate it it's important to be a good example for the younger kids and who knows maybe you'll like it this time! So Siffrin ran off to prove that he was basically an adult and not actually beholden to their rules, and they should appreciate his presence and take him seriously instead of treating him like a clueless baby.

:(

[mariacallous]

The leftists getting called out for not protesting at Trump rallies seems to have broken them this time. They're spiraling. Just lots of screaming crying throwing up on Twitter from them wailing about how they don't feel safe at Republican rallies, think about their anxiety, that protesting the GOP would accomplish nothing, etc. And others pointing out how leftists have, for years now, cried about how "both parties are the same" so why only protest the Dems then (and that's not even touching how many Jews and synagogues they've targeted)? And all that chest-thumping about "burn it all down" but now they're suddenly scared to be on the receiving end of a cop's baton? The leftists have no response. They've been exposed for the weak little cowards they are.

I think we've achieved another Firebomb.jpg moment.

[demons-i-get]

We all know Dean raised Sam. This is something we agree on, right? We also all agree that Sam's first word was 'Dean' or some variation of it in an attempt to say 'Dean', yeah?

Please consider for me: Sam, a tiny, small child, a little baby, an adorable little bean. He calls Dean 'dede' the same way little kids still learning to talk call their parents 'mama' and 'dada'. As he gets a little older, 'dede' becomes 'De'.

In kindergarten when the other kids are talking about doing things with Mommy and Daddy, Sam talks about how De takes care of him because Dad is always really busy but it's okay because De is the best and plays all kinds of fun games with him. All the other kids are like, 'but what about your mommy?' and Sammy doesn't have a mommy, or even remember what having a mommy was like, and the other kids are just devastated by this because 'my mommy is the bestest' and 'mommies take care of you, so who takes care of you if you don't have a mommy?' and Sammy gets all belligerent in that five/six-year-old-way and insists that he doesn't need a mommy because he has a De and De takes the bestest care of him.

Even after they get older and Sam only calls his brother 'Dean', he'll still revert to calling him 'De' when he's really tired, hurt, sick, scared, or drugged up on painkillers lmao.

When he was in second grade, Sam fell off the monkey bars during recess, sprained his ankle, and scraped his knees up pretty bad. He wailed and cried and called for 'De' while the teachers and the school nurse tried to help him and they couldn't figure out who to call because John wasn't answering his phone when all of a sudden another, slightly older, child appeared out of fucking nowhere, swept a blubbering little Sammy into his arms, and calmed him right down. The teachers and nurses are confused as hell because one: where did this other child even come from, two: Sam wouldn't let anyone near him and would start screaming if someone tried to touch him but this kid shows up and just immediately scoops him up and gets him to stop wailing, and three: seriously where did this other child come from??? He looked too old to be another second grader or even a third or fourth grader who had wandered outside at all the commotion. Turned out, he was a sixth grader on his way to lunch when he heard the commotion and came running. Apparently, this was the 'De' that Sam kept yelling for.

EVEN AS ADULTS Sam still does this!!!!! When he's nervous, Sam will reach out and grab the back of Dean's shirt/jacket/whatever (like we see him do in 'What Is and What Should Never Be' even if that was a djinn-induced hallucination) and say real softly, "De," which prompts Dean to take over and do all the talking and make himself big and loud and impossible to ignore until they can get out of the situation. Once they're in the clear, Dean will always check in with a, "You okay, Sammy?" and lays a grounding hand on Sam's shoulder until he gets a reply.

However, (because I'm a sucker for angst) Sam calls him 'De' for the first time since Dean came to him for help finding John when Dean's dying after he got electrocuted fighting the rawhead (s1ep12 Faith); it breaks Dean's ailing heart because Sammy hasn't called him that in almost five years and now Dean has to leave his little brother behind and it's gonna absolutely devastate him. Most of the whole time Dean's sick, Sam calls him De, and even after Roy heals him, he's De for like, another week while Sam hovers over him, terrified something's going to happen and take his big brother away from him.

TL;DR: Sam used to call Dean 'dede' (like 'dada'), called him 'De' as he got a little older, and still calls him 'De' in times of emotional turmoil/distress throughout their adult lives.

I have more thoughts about Sam calling Dean 'De' that are more sad/angsty/etc. but I wanted to keep this post mostly fluffy and cute so I'll probably reblog this with more thoughts at some point!

[mlmxreader]

I'm Still Here | Kyle Gaz Garrick x gn!reader

『••✎••』

↳ ❝ Can I request the prompt “I love you. I'll wait for you. Come back. Come back to me.” with Gaz please?

Thanks ❞

: ̗̀➛ Gaz isn't going anywhere, he's never leaving... he just wishes that you could see him.

: ̗̀➛ major character death, swearing, injury detail

↳ DNI if you interact with rape porn, proship, profic, DDNE/dead dove, etc. stay the fuck away from me <3

•───────────────★•♛•★──────────────•

Gaz sat on the kitchen counter, watching you carefully as he idly kicked his legs, the backs of his heavy combat boots hitting the wooden cupboards but without a single sound. His hands planted firmly on the marble counter top as he dared to smile.

He loved to watch you so much; to see you go about your day and to get better and better every day.

The last few months had been so tough on you, Gaz felt so awful; seeing you stay up late every night, crying and sobbing and wailing until you passed out. You would sleep until the afternoon, wake up, and then spend all night either in bed or sitting on the sofa crying and snivelling.

If he had been able to, Gaz would have cried himself; he promised that he would never hurt you, that he would always protect you. But he had failed you; he couldn't protect you any more, he couldn't keep you safe at all.

It was all his fault.

But seeing you now... vibrant, full of life, singing along to old Sodom songs. It did bring a smile to Gaz's face as he leaned back a little, folding his arms across his chest. He listened keenly to the sound of your voice, and watched you like he always used to.

His dark brown eyes completely and utterly focused on you, and only you; as if you were the only thing that mattered in the world.

He reached a hand down to his stomach, feeling the cold gush of nothing as a soft draft seeped through the open and gaping hole; the jagged edges and bits of organ that hung and clung onto the bottom. The burn marks around the inner rim.

He frowned. He thought he was going to get used to it after a while, but not anymore.

He wished you would look at him, that you would meet his sunken and empty eyes; he wished you would put your hand next to him, and feel the cold spot that had formed there.

They seemed to be all around him these days, cold spots and flickering lights.

But you hardly seemed to notice. He would scream at the top of his lungs, call your name as he stood in front of you, and you didn't even hear him; you didn't even see him standing there with his voice breaking and hoarse.

He slid himself off of the counter, his heavy duty boots making no sound as he paced around you, nudging your cup slightly so that it wouldn't fall. Flicking the spider away from the tap so that you didn't accidentally touch it; he knew how much you would have hated to startle the poor thing.

But then the phone rang, and Gaz frowned as he looked at the caller ID; Price. You picked it up, sniffling.

"Hey, John."

"Hey," Price sighed. "How you holding up?"

You shrugged, swiping a hand down your face. Gaz knew you were about to lie, you always did that when you were lying. "I'm okay... I'm okay..."

"The funeral's next week," Price told you. "You think you can make it?"

"I have to," you scoffed. "He was... Gaz is everything to me. I have to be there."

Gaz cleared his throat, watching as he tried to put his hand on your shoulder, only for it to sink right through. "Don't lie to him, darling. Please. He can help you."

But you didn't hear a single thing. "Look, John, I appreciate the whole caring, considerate bullshit you have going on, but I don't need it right now."

Gaz frowned, shaking his head as he begged for you to open up and to talk about it; you didn't have to suffer silently, and nor did you have to suffer alone but... but then he looked at the picture on the wall, and he sighed heavily, knowing why you were being that way.

You had always been one another's confidants and most trusted friends; there were things that you would only talk to Gaz about, just as there were things that he would only talk to you about. Forever joined at the hip. The picture on the wall, taken just after you had gotten together, only reminded him of that.

You looked so happy. So comfortable.

He paced around a little more, only to pause when you called his name.

"Kyle, I dunno if you can hear me," you murmured. "But if you can - I love you, I'm never gonna forget you. You know that, right? I dunno... I dunno if you're here, or if you've fucked off somewhere, but... I don't wanna bury you. I really don't, I mean how... how do you bury your best friend, your husband, and act like you're alright?"

Gaz swallowed hard, shaking his head as he wiped his aching eyes and moved back to you; he put his hands on the side of your head, despite his fingers sinking into you like he was made of nothing, and pressed his lips to your temple. You didn't feel anything, didn't even flinch or wonder why it had gotten so cold suddenly.

He sighed as he pulled away, moving to stand in front of you even though you couldn't see him. "I'm never leaving you. I'm not. I love you. I'll wait for you."

"I love you," you whispered, closing your eyes and sobbing quietly. "I love you. I'll wait for you. Come back. Come back to me. Please... please... Gaz, pull a pet sematary for all I care, just... come back."

"But I'm right here," he told you. "I'm already here. I'm not leaving you, I'm not going anywhere. I just... I wish you could see me. I wish you could hear me."

You moved away, shaking your head and making your way to the sofa, leaving your phone on the counter; Gaz followed, not wanting to leave you alone for even a second.

He loved you.

He wasn't going anywhere.

[lambtotheslaughterr]

Rise : Chapter Eight

A Rafe Cameron Series

[THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN THEMES OF NON-CON/DUB-CON, MENTAL-EMOTIONAL-PHYSICAL ABUSE, ETC. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 18+. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT]

WC: 3.8k

Dividers provided by @firefly-graphics

CHAPTER SEVEN | MASTERLIST | CHAPTER NINE

            All your friends were dead. Every. Single. One.

            You were standing on the shore of the lake, the sun was on fire. Your skin was blistering & you were coughing up blood. But that was the least of your worries. The lake was filled with bodies. A floating cemetery.

            You could do nothing but stare as the faces of your friends popped out amongst the sea of corpses. Sayyed’s, Millie’s, Rafe’s. All of their faces were gray, their mouths strained open as if they were still screaming. It was eerily quiet, but you knew you weren’t alone. You could feel eyes on you. Hundreds of them. No matter how much you tried to move, your feet remained firmly planted in the sand.

            “_____.” It started out small, the calling of your name.

            “_____! _____!” The whisper of voices soon escalated to wailing. Wailing that made your head pound & heart race. It was coming from everywhere. You covered your ears, crying, begging them to stop.

            “Help us, _____!”

            “You did this!”

            “Join us!”

            The cacophony of pained crying turned into a screeching white noise & the sun above you exploded, sending the world into complete darkness.

            Then it was quiet. All you could hear was the lapping of the water at your feet. But you kept your ears covered, your eyes squeezed shut.

            Suddenly though, the water was at your waist. Your eyes shot open & you found yourself in the middle of the lake. There was no shoreline in sight. It was an endless sight of dark waters in every direction. Your skin was now cold. Too cold. Your fingers were turning blue. And again, your feet were planted firmly but there was nothing below you.

            As you peered into the depths of the water, that’s when you saw them. A couple feet below the surface was the faces of your friends. They were trying to swim up, reaching desperately for you. You splashed wildly, trying to go under, to save them. But your body was not in your control.

            “Millie.” You cried out when you spotted her. She was topless & there was a bullet exit wound at the center of her chest.

            “_____, please!”

            You tried. You fought. But the water was like glass & you could not penetrate more than you already had. Your friends were dying. They needed you. And you could do nothing. You were letting them die.

            One by one, they sunk from view, being swallowed by the depths of the abyss. You screamed, begged, your words incoherent. But they never returned. The light never came. You were alone in a vast open emptiness, completely alone.

            Your body continued to shiver. There was nothing you could do…

            “_____.” A voice sounded from behind you. You knew it but you couldn’t place it.

            “Look at what you did.” It grew closer & you felt a presence behind you.

            “Look at what you did!”

            A hand fiercely grabbed the back of your head, your hair ripping out at the roots. You fought back but your movements were slow, useless. The hand shoved your head under the water.

            At the bottom of the lake, the bodies of all your friends lied motionless. The hands forced you further down.

            You couldn’t breathe. Water was filling your lungs.

            No, no! I’m sorry! Please, no!

            “No!” You screamed, just as your body hit hardwood. A pained groan parted your lips as you opened your bleary eyes.

            You were in the living room of the cabin. The fire in the fireplace had practically died at this point. You leaned up on your arms, looking around the front room. There was signs of no one. Bear, Nuha, & Sayyed were still sleeping. Just outside the window, you could make out that the sun was going to rise soon, the sky a dimly lit blue.

            As you stood up, you noted that you had sweat through your clothes. Your skin was sticky & slick. You sat back on the couch, your head in your hands. Your stomach was growling, hungry. The others wouldn’t be up for at least another hour. You’d have to wait to eat with them.

            Sighing heavily to yourself, you lied back down, your eyes staring aimlessly at the remaining burning embers in the fire. Sleep wouldn’t be an option. You were too scared. Lately, your dreams had been horrible. Over & over again you watched your friends die, & over & over again, someone tried to kill you. It made your paranoia stronger.

            Were you even among friends anymore? The answer terrified you.

47 days since the world ended

            It’s been a week since the group split. And the friends you stayed with made you feel even more alone.

            Sayyed rarely stayed in the same space as you for too long. And you never missed the faces Nuha would make whenever you’d say something, anything. The only person who made you feel at the very least okay was Bear.

            Currently, you were at the shed washing the dishes from that day’s lunch.

            Sayyed had returned to the office with radio, Nuha was down by the lake washing clothes, & Bear had left after breakfast to go scavenging. You could no longer be the one to go off in the woods alone. Your withdrawal symptoms were already making it difficult enough to stay awake.

            As you finished drying off the last of the dishes, you wiped your hands on the shorts you were wearing, & stood up. On the side of the house, you noticed that the wood pile was painfully low. There would barely be enough for tonight. You didn’t see the point in telling Nuha or Sayyed that you’d be going into the woods to get more. It was obvious that they didn’t care what you did.

            Taking an axe from the shed, you began trudging into the woods. But not too far from the house. You were at least smart enough to go far enough that if trouble came, you couldn’t find your way back.

            For the next thirty minutes, you tried but failed at chopping wood. Your body was weak, fatigued. You needed to sleep. To eat more. But what you really needed was more coke.

            It frustrated you. Before the world ended you had only done coke a couple times a month, but since Rafe had a hold of some & brought it with you all, you didn’t realize how often you had started doing it. Looking back, you realized that you & Rafe were doing coke almost daily since arriving at the cabin. You still couldn’t believe he had had that much on him. But it also didn’t surprise you.

            And it had only been a week since they left, & there you were, struggling to contribute to the group because your symptoms were getting the better of you.

            After another twenty minutes, you only succeeded in chopping up five logs. It wasn’t a lot, but it’d be enough for tonight. You were about to head back to the shed to get the wheelbarrow when footfalls sounded from deeper within the trees. Immediately, you brought the axe upwards in a defensive position.

            But your fears were swiftly distinguished when Bear appeared.

            “Whoa, hey.” He smiled, holding his hand up.

            “Sorry.” You mumbled, dropping the axe to let the head of it drag against the forest floor.

            “It’s all good.” His smile fell as he took you in, “Are you alright?”

            You half-chuckled, half-scoffed, “Barely.” You shrugged.

            Bear stepped forward, taking the axe from you. Then he handed you his water. You thankfully accepted it, taking a few chugs. You wiped your mouth, handing it back, “Thanks.”

            He nodded then looked at your handiwork, “Need some help?”

            “No, I think I’m done. For now, at least.” You returned.

            “You look like shit, _____.” Bear pointed out.

            You grimaced, “Thanks, dude.”

            “I don’t mean it like that.” Bear huffed out but was being gentle about it, “I just think you should rest.”

            “So Nuha & Sayyed can make me feel worse about myself?” You threw back, unable to contain the annoyance, “I’ll pass. I need to contribute.”

            Bear said nothing but followed you as you walked back toward the house. He went with you to the shed as you wheeled out the wheelbarrow. But just as you made to pass him, he put his hand out, stopping you.

            “We’ll trade.” He slid off the backpack he was carrying & handed it to you, “I’ll get the wood, you take this stuff inside.”

            You didn’t have the energy to argue, your muscles growing more languid by the minute.

            “Anything good today?”

            Bear shrugged, “A couple canned goods, a few water bottles, another first aid kit—though it’s been ransacked a little, so a few items are missing from it.”

            You nodded, “Better than nothing.”

            “Yeah.” Bear gestured to the house, “Just go lay down in my room. And if either of them give you shit for it, I’ll take care of it.”

            “Are you sure?” Your annoyance quickly transitioned to acceptance. Your body needed to rest, badly.

            “Yeah, go, _____.” Bear gave a comforting rub to your shoulder before heading back towards the forest.

            “Thanks.” You mumbled.

            Following his directions, you carried the backpack inside. You were relieved that neither of the Rahal siblings were in the kitchen. As you unpacked the stuff, placing them in the pantry, you heard a door open down the hallway. You stilled. You were tempted to hide yourself in the pantry but before you could reach for the door, Sayyed appeared on the other side of the kitchen.

            At first he didn’t notice you, & for that you were thankful, but then his eyes landed on the backpack before rising to you.

            You mustered a smile, holding up a can of vegetable broth, “Just organizing.”

            Sayyed said nothing but neared you. You backed out of the pantry to get out of the way. He reached inside, taking a water bottle for himself. You held your breath as you watched him uncap it & go outside. It wasn’t until the sliding door sealed firmly shut that you let go of the breath you had been holding.

            It surprised you how much you didn’t miss him. Even if you saw him every day, the days of you two being a happily in love couple seemed so distant now. It was like living with a stranger who had only appeared in your dreams. You knew him, but didn’t.

            After you finished up in the kitchen, you snuck a small back of almonds into your pocket & headed for the stairs. No one would miss the almonds. You climbed the stairs & hung a left to go into Bear’s room. It overlooked the lake. You approached the window, popping an almond into your mouth.

            Bear, Nuha, & Sayyed were down by the lake. Of course, you couldn’t make out anything they said, but their body language gave enough of an idea. Nuha had her arms crossed over her chest & Sayyed was shaking his head at whatever Bear was saying. You had a feeling it was about you. Then, as if to prove you right, Bear gestured to the house.

            It made you dizzy, seeing your group fall more & more apart. The sight made you sick so closed the curtains & sat on the bed.

            You questioned if staying was the best option. Going with Rafe wouldn’t have been any better, but at least you were wanted around, in some way, shape, or form. Here in this house, you felt the most alone. Even Bear’s kindness couldn’t make up for it. It was obvious that your presence was less than ideal. They wanted to be rid of you, the Rahal siblings at least. It was enough for you to wonder about where Rafe & company were.

            It was the middle of the next day when you woke next. Hushed voices woke you. As you sat up, a damp cloth that had been on your forehead fell into your lap.

            What the hell?

            Your head was pounding & you felt cold. That was odd. It was the middle of summer. But as you took in the room around you, it spun.

            “Ohhh.” You moaned.

            “We can spare a few fucking painkillers.” It was Bear’s voice.

            “We don’t have a lot, Bear.” That was Nuha, “It’s not our fault she’s strung out.”

            “Nuha.” Sayyed reprimanded.

            There was a sigh. Bear spoke again, “You guys can blame her all you want—”

            “We don’t blame her.” Sayyed interjected but Bear continued.

            “But do you want to be responsible for her death.”

            Silence.

            “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

            “Bear, wait.” But the handle on the door turned & opened. Bear entered, & you spotted Nuha & Sayyed in the hallway, peering in.

            “Hey, how are you feeling?”

            “What’s going on?” You questioned, ignoring his question. Bear let out a breath of air before sitting down by your legs. He handed you two blue liquid gels & a bottle of water.

            “You weren’t waking up. Then you started sweating.” Bear informed you. You gladly took the pills from him & popped them in your mouth. Your throat burned as you struggled to swallow them down.

            “Your symptoms are getting worse.”

            You stared at him “Am I… do I have it?”

            “No.” Bear shook his head, looking over his shoulder at the door. The siblings were gone at this point. “At least, I don’t think so. Adrianna left behind some of her notes about the virus & you’re not showing any of those signs. But I think it’s just your withdrawal…”

            You hung your head in shame, “I’m a fucking mess.”

            “Nah.” Bear mustered a smile, “At least, not really.”

            You were thankful for his kind words.

            “But you do need to make it through this. Hopefully those help.”

            You nodded in agreement.

            “Ya hungry?” Bear asked. The thought of food made your stomach growl. The two of you shared a quiet laugh at the sound. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

            He stood up, opening up the curtains to let the light in. You winced.

            “Sorry.” You waved away his apology, “Soup preference?”

            “I can’t really afford to be picky.” You returned.

            “Whatever.” Bear shrugged, “Whatever you want.”

            “Mmm.” You tried to remember all the soups that were down in the pantry, “Beef stew?”

            “Good choice.” He crossed the room to the door, “I’ll be back with it soon. Finish your water in the meantime. You didn’t get a lot while you slept.”

            “How long was I out for?” You asked.

            “Twenty-four hours or so.”

            You couldn’t help your jaw hanging open, “Oh fuck.”

            “_____, it’s okay. Just rest & I’ll be back.”

            “Bear.” You called out before he could shut the door. He paused to look back at you, “Thank you.”

            He nodded then closed the door. You ripped the blankets off yourself. Your clothes were damp from the sweating. You found the damp rag that had fallen & brought it to your neck, soothed by the sensation. As you cooled your body as best you could, your thought strayed to Sayyed & Nuha.

            Were they that upset with you? Did they loathe you so much that they would argue with Bear about helping you? About you getting better?

            Hot tears pricked at your eyes. You didn’t want to blame them for their concerns, but you couldn’t deny their callousness either. You were friends! Or at least, you were friends. Had the world ending really made them as cold & cruel as the movies & tv shows depicted humanity to fall to? You couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to.

            You swung your legs off the bed, your muscles aching from lying still for too long. As you stood, your head spun & braced yourself on the nightstand. Closing your eyes, you waited until you breathing stabilized. You chugged the rest of your water next. Then you moved towards the door. You creaked it open, listening first for any voices, but all you heard was Bear in the kitchen. Perhaps Nuha & Sayyed went outside…

            It took you a minute or so to get down the hallway & down the stairs. As you entered the kitchen, Bear spun around, his eyes wide, “What the hell are you doing?”

            You mustered a small smile, tugging on your shirt, “I stink.”

            You lied. You couldn’t really smell but you figured it was enough. “I want to clean off.”

            It was clear that Bear wanted to resist but he just shook his head, “The soup is almost done. Take a seat then after I’ll take you down to the lake.”

            “I appreciate all that you’re doing, Bear,” You began, “But you don’t need to babysit me. I think I can handle washing on my own.”

            Bear chuckled at that, “I know that. But by the time you get down there you’ll be fifty.”

            That you couldn’t argue with.

            For the next ten minutes it was just you & Bear. You didn’t bother asking where the other two were. Their dislike towards you made you feel uncomfortable enough as is. Bear poured your soup into a bowl, handing it to you. Your stomach wailed at the sight.

            “Thank you, thank you.” You muttered around a spoonful of soup. Bear grabbed you another water & slid it across the table to you. You inhaled the soup in less than five minutes, your body desperate for real food & energy.

            After you finished, Bear told you to leave your bowl on the counter, that he’d get to it later. You hopped off the chair, already feeling more energized than you had in the last couple days. It wasn’t much of a difference, but enough for you to feel better about yourself.

            Bear entered the living room where you typically slept & gathered a few clothes. You were grateful he didn’t sift around for any underwear. You could always put some on after.

            Outside, Bear was having you lean on him as he walked the two of you down to the shoreline. You didn’t get far though when Nuha & Sayyed appeared. Sayyed gave a tight-lipped smile, “How are you feeling?”

            “Okay.” You returned, your voice flat as you avoided looking him in the eyes, “Bear has been really helpful.”

            You didn’t intend for it to sound accusatory, but based off the sneer Nuha gave you, it definitely came off that way.

            “I’m sure he has been.” She commented.

            “Look,” You started, grateful Bear was beside you to make you feel stronger, “I get that you guys hate my guts, I do. I hate them too!” Your muscles strained as you felt yourself growing more stressed, “But can you just back off? We were friends once…”

            Nuha sighed, irritated, but you could see her eyes soften just a little.

            “We don’t hate you, _____...” Sayyed added.

            “No?” You threw back, “You sure act like I’m the reason everything has gone to shit.”

            “You certainly haven’t helped.” Nuha said under her breath. You sighed, shaking your head, “My point.”

            “If you guys want me gone so bad then I’ll fucking leave.” You suggested through gritted teeth, “As soon as I’m able I’ll fucking leave.”

            “_____--” Sayyed began but Bear interjected.

            “It won’t come to that.” Bear gave pointed looks to the siblings, “She needs to wash off & recuperate. We’ll discuss this later.”

            “Fine.” Nuha shook her head & stomped away.

            A part of you knew that Nuha’s animosity towards you likely had little to do with the world ending bullshit & more to do with fucking Rafe behind Sayyed’s back, but you still were hurt by her easy dismissal of you. The only thing that made you feel slightly better about it was that if the world was normal & you had still cheated on Rafe, she still would treat you that way. After all, she had always been protective of her brother, & he her.

            The siblings walked away & Bear continued walking you down to the shoreline.

            “You okay?” He asked.

            But you said nothing. It was a heavily loaded question.

            Dinner was awkward & quiet. It was the first time the four of you ate together since Rafe & company left. Most often Nuha would make food & everyone would grab a plate then eat somewhere by themselves. But tonight, the four of you sat at the table together.

            It was a buttered noodle dish. Simple but enough. You couldn’t be picky or complain. You were a lot better of than most.

            Relief filled you when Bear offered to wash the dishes. Nuha tidied up the kitchen then went to bed. And Sayyed surprised you by starting the fire for you in the living room.

            “You didn’t have to do that.” You told him as you sat on the couch with your blankets.  Your symptoms had subsided for the most part. Taking a dip in the lake really helped. Bear, too. You thought that all you really needed was for someone to give a shit about you to keep you going.

            “It’s no problem.” He mumbled, his back to you as he lit the logs with a fire starter.

            When he was done, he looked over the living room before settling on you. Your eyes didn’t meet but you were looking at one another.

            “You know, you can take the bed. I wouldn’t mind sleeping out here.”

            “It’s okay.” You faked a smile, “Thanks though.

            Sayyed nodded, “Alright, well goodnight.”

            You mumbled a night back before pulling the blankets over you. You laid there for some time, lost in thought. After a while, Bear came back inside. You said your goodnights & he disappeared upstairs, but not before offering his bed to you, as well. Again, you thanked him but said you would be okay. You had grown used to the living room. It felt like the only really safe, welcoming room in the house.

            But as you tossed & turned, unable to get comfortable, you felt something in the pocket of your sweats digging into your hip bone. Frustrated, you fished out the item. It was a tube of chapstick & loose change. And a folded piece of paper?

            You frowned. It was a ripped piece of paper from what looked to be an envelope based off a partial printed address that matched the number of the house out front. You returned to lying on your back, unfolding the piece of paper. A suspicious little baggie fell out. The content inside was a white powder…

There was handwriting but it was difficult to read. You slipped out from under the blankets & moved closer to the fire. What you read left you feeling unsettled.

            We won’t be far when you decide to change teams. R.

Your heart pounded. We won’t be far.

 Looking over your shoulder, you spotted the baggie on the couch. There was just enough in it for a bump. Rafe’s departing gift.

You swallowed a lump that had formed in your throat.

Just how far were they?

a shorter filler chapter. expect shorter filler chapters until chapter eleven (when Rafe makes his return). i know ya'll are going to be thirsty & impatient for more rafe time but i'm a plot writer ya'll. i give you plot meat before rafe meat lmao.

as always, please share your thoughts w my by dropping a comment, reblogging w reviews, or chatting w me in the ask box. i love you all.

thank you for reading!

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