#was talking to a man on tinder yesterday who told me i had simultaneously kind and insane eyes

[sherlockig]

-

[fa-nfiction]

Thunder #30

October 3rd, 2015

Make it stop.

Make it stop.

MAKE. IT. STOP.

Teddy’s screams in the night felt like a knife that was twisting in my belly. I had only slept for forty minutes and the time before that, I’d only slept for an hour. 

Now, here he was, screaming again, and the lack of sleep was driving me insane.I longed for simpler days. Back when I had Richard. The way he could always soothe Teddy, even through the worst nights. The way he’d happily take over when I had had too much of being a mother. But of course, he hadn’t meant any of those things. It was his way of soothing his own guilty conscience of his impending departure, his way of making it seem less terrible to me than it actually was. I wondered where he was now. Did he have a new girlfriend? One without all of the complications that I’d brought into his life? One that wouldn’t cheat? One that would give him children, that were his and only his? My heart stung at the thought of someone else kissing him. Running her fingers through his hair. Cuddling up in his strong arms. Asking him to take the baby … oh God.

Indeed, it was nights like this that were the worst. I felt so heart-wrenchingly alone, that I cried while trying to breastfeed Teddy. I had promised myself and him that I would always be strong in front of him, but that promise had long come and gone. I sobbed and cried at every sob and cry my baby made, and I begged some higher powers to make it stop. To make him stop. To be able to sleep again.

( ... ) 

A landmark had come and gone. Teddy was 6 months now, and I had celebrated by asking my friends and family over for dinner: Yasmin, Caitlin, Megan, Cerys, her baby, and my mother. They had all helped as much as they could, but as the evening went by, and Teddy became fussy, they’d all disappeared one by one. We had been at the doctor’s office to get his shots, and of course, this was the cause of his screaming. He was running a fever and hurting in the places the nurse had vaccinated him. I had thought that I’d been able to breastfeed his pain away, but apparently, that wasn’t the case. Whenever I tried to, he screamed even louder, and I cried in the meantime. What was even worse was the constant worrying. His tiny face, usually so precious and beautiful, was contorted in pain, and my heart stung at the sight of it. As the lack of sleep took its toll on me, my thoughts became more and more crazy. What is he’s sick. What if I’m going to lose him. What if he’s going to die. I wailed at the thought and my stomach sank with the anxiety. He needed me more than ever, his big dark-blue eyes searching for mine as he sought comfort. And I could barely even look at him as the thoughts took root in my mind.This was the worst feeling I had ever felt, but for some masochistic reason, I couldn’t help but returning to it. Over and over again, I allowed the craziness to take hold of my mind, until eventually, something inside of me clicked, and a delusional thought entered my mind and stayed. I’m going to lose him. I’m going to lose him, just like I’ve lost everything. The final bit of rationality within me crumbled. I had lost my mind. 

( … )

“Megan?”

“Hey Cas. What’s up? Thanks for yesterday, it was great seeing you. And baby T, of course. How is he- wait … are you crying?” Megan sounded worried on the phone, and I cried even more.

“He’s fine.” I sniffled while replying. “Except that he has a fever. Vaccinations, you know.”

“Is that why you’re crying? It’s not … it isn’t Richard, is it?”

I tried to not cry louder at the sound of his name, and magically succeeded in doing so.

“N-no. It’s not. I’m just … ugh. Swamped. I was wondering if you could take him for an hour or so? I really need to go out.”

“Out?” She sounded oblivious. “Can’t you just take him with you?”

I bit the inside of my cheek and tried to feel less like a terrible mother. That, however, wasn’t a success.

“Yeah, it’s just … it’s hard to go grocery shopping with the baby carriage, and … I wanted to go running, too.”

I heard her pausing at the other end.

“Aren’t you a bit too serious about this running, Cassie?”

I rolled my eyes at her sentence.

“Christ. Why is everyone asking me that?”

“I don’t know. Because it’s true?” She stated matter-of-factly.

“Why does it bother you so much? It’s healthy. And if I’m healthy, Teddy feels better too.”

“Yeah. Whatever.”

“So, can you?”

“Can I what?”

“Take Teddy? Is 11 o’clock OK?”

“Ah, no, Cas … I’m sorry. I have a date over here.”

“Again? Can’t he just help with the baby?”

“Do you hear yourself when you talk? Of course he can’t.”

“So you can’t help me?”

“No, Cas. I can’t help you. Ask your Mom, maybe? Or Caitlin and Chris?”

“I already did, goddamnit.”

She sighed before replying. “In that case, take him with you?”

“Yeah, you’re so helpful right now. Right. A true best friend when it matters.” I spoke angrily at her, frustrated that my plans of running weren’t going to happen.

“That’s a real terrible thing to say, Cassie. I’m gonna hang up now. If you’re a good friend - which I seriously doubt at the moment - call me and apologize later, okay?”

“Fucking hell I won’t.” I hissed back into the phone and pressed the red hanging up button. I was fuming.

A minute later, I called my Mom again.

“Mom, it’s me again …” 

( … )

Naturally, my Mom still wasn’t able to help me. For some reason, she’d installed the Tinder app, and for some reason, she’d actually begun using it. My Mom was actually dating. The irony of this was only making my situation worse. I was the younger one, I was the one who was supposed to go out and socialize. To find dates. To do anything but this … baby-burping, constantly-feeding-him, constantly-being-awoken-by-him, constantly-worrying-myself-to-death hell. I had told her so in not so many and not so polite words. Naturally, her reaction was calm, polite, and very mother-like, and the guilty conscience that followed her words hit me like a train.

You’re a Mom now, darling. Teddy is your responsibility. Whether you have a bad day or not.

“Fine!” I had yelled into the phone and hung up on her. Thanks a lot. No running for me today. Perfect. JUST. Perfect.

Of course, to top it all off, Teddy awoke from his early nap and needed to be fed. He had started eating oatmeal now, and I had none at all. My cupboards had run dry, and I had nothing but pickles and apples. I had to go and shop for groceries.

After comforting him and carrying the baby carriage down the stairs, I wanted to change him into his coveralls and ready him for the trip. Naturally, he sensed my frustration of it all and began wailing as soon as I tried to put the coveralls on him. Again, something clicked inside of my mind, but this time I couldn’t run from the emotions.

“WILL YOU FUCKING STOP CRYING ALREADY!”

I yelled loudly at him, my voice coming out in a high-pitched screech that could have scared a grown man. But this wasn’t an adult. This was my baby boy. My perfect, tiny, pretty baby boy, my reason for living.

And he was terrified. His face froze in terror for three long seconds, his large eyes widening at the sight of the monster that his mother had become. And then, the cries came, but these were worse cries than he’d ever managed to make before. They were cries of fear and horror and uncertainty, cries that I couldn’t seem to comfort, because I was the cause of them. He looked at me as if I was some demon that had snatched away his mother, the terror present in those dark-blue eyes that always reminded me of someone else.

“No-no-no, please please please, Teddy-” I began to cry at the sight of him. “No-no-no, I’m here, Mom’s here, please, please, relax.” I cried and sobbed while cradling him back and forth in my arms. I kissed him on the hair, I caressed his back, and still, nothing helped. Finally, I managed to calm him enough to breastfeed, and the silence fell upon us like a blanket. He looked at me, those big eyes questioning me. Are you still my Mom?

My heart was broken at my own inadequacy, and yet, I sent him a strained smile in return.

Mommy’s still here. Mommy’s got you. Mommy will never leave you. Mommy will never scare you again. 

( … )

My heart was hurting, and my mind was scolding me. What kind of a terrible mother am I. I should just put him in a home. There’s no way I can take care of him -

Yet, despite my terrible lack of qualifying as a somewhat OK mother, I had managed to soothe him enough for him to fall asleep. He slept in my arms for a whole thirty minutes, and after that, we ventured to the store. He looked perfect, of course, with his rosy cheeks and big eyes, that had now seemingly forgotten the fact that I’d yelled at him. I, on the other hand, was a mess. My hair was matted and unruly and had settled in some kind of nest on top of my head. I hadn’t worn makeup for weeks. There were stains on my clothes. And the look in my eyes was a crazed mix of worrying, anger, and disappointment with myself. If I had only been able to run today, I thought. Then this day wouldn’t have turned out to such a disaster.

On our way to the store, it began to rain. Because God knows I needed this on this day. I was becoming drenched in record time, while Teddy was safe and sound in his baby carriage. Somehow, he sensed my frustration again, and began to fuss in the carriage. As we had reached the store, he was crying as loudly as possible, and I had to take him up and out.

Oatmeal. I just need oatmeal. Nothing more. Just oatmeal.

I thought to myself over and over again, as I cradled him in my arms and practically ran into the store. He was becoming wet with the rain from my clothes, but that would have to make do. Afterwards, we’ll hurry back home and get you some dry clothes, my darling ...

I finally reached the cereal and oatmeal section, and searched the shelves for the one item I needed. They’re usually right here. They’re usually right FUCKING HERE.

Apparently, the people in Kenmare had all simultaneously, mysteriously developed a strange craving for oatmeal, and it was nowhere to be found. In the meantime, Teddy was once again beginning a new round of crying, and it felt like the everyone passing by was silently judging me. It felt like I could hear their snarky remarks in my head. Make your kid stop. Why are some mothers so bad at parenting? Why are you looking like that? Have you heard of showering? Is he even YOUR kid? Are you some crazy homeless person that has kidnapped the child? Someone should really call the authorities ...

“Please, please, darling … sscchhyy … sscchhhyyy … it’ll be alright, darling. Please … YES, THERE IT IS, look at that honey!”

I exclaimed as I saw the final package of oatmeal left in the store. I rejoiced a bit more until I realized it was on the top shelf. In the very back of the top shelf.

Fucking hell.

I pondered for a moment what to do. Should I put him on a shelf and climb to the top to get the oatmeal? No, they’ll have him taken away from you.

Should I put him on the floor? Don’t put away the baby, Cassie.

I debated with myself until finally, I decided to climb up the shelves while holding him with the one arm. Of course, my plan failed. I tried again, and I almost dropped Teddy. I tried a third time, and I almost slipped from the shelf I was standing on. I gave up. With Teddy crying in my arms, I fell to the floor, all pride cast aside. I can’t do this anymore. I cradled him in my arms and began crying loud enough for the rest of the store to hear it. I didn’t care anymore. I’ll have to give him away. I can’t make it. I love him, and he deserves so much better than me …

I shook and cried, and Teddy was becoming more and more confused with my strange behaviour. The strange silence that came over him as he watched me was even worse than the crying from before.

“Cassie?”

His voice felt like it came from another dimension. Another dimension, that begged me to come back. To my sanity, to my well-being.

As I turned my head in slow motion, he looked like he was from another dimension as well. He was dressed in light blue jeans and a leather jacket, but somehow, from my point of view, he looked like some super human that had come to save me. He kneeled down in front of us, worry written all across his face.

“Are you alright? Teddy?” I saw his eyes drifting to the boy, silently making sure that his son was okay, before they came back to mine.

“It’s the oatmeal.” I once again began to wail.

“The … the oatmeal? What?” The confusion was very present on his face, but I could see that he was trying to keep up.

“There’s one package left, and I can’t reach it.” I sniffled in return and pointed to the top shelf.

“Oh. Well, we can’t have that.” He jumped to his feet, went to the shelf and reached the package without any difficulty whatsoever, and went back and handed it to me.

I nodded as a thank you to him and tried to get up. It proved a bit more difficult than expected with Teddy clinging to my arms.

“Here.” Michael simply said and reached out his arms to take the boy. I happily handed him over and got up to my feet. Teddy, for some reason, looked happier and more content now than he’d done all day long. No wonder. His mother is a dreadful excuse for a human being.

“There we are, Teddy. Oy, you’re so big now. So strong. Is it the oatmeal your Mom gives you? Hm?” Michael cooed to the boy and Teddy smiled back at him, as if the two of them hadn’t done anything else but this for their entire lives. I felt a lump of tears in my throat at the sight.

“I’m up. If you can just … I’ll just go pay and I’ll take him home. Thanks for the help.” My tired self was screaming at me that I should ask for help, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to do so. My Mom’s words resounded in my brain. You’re a Mom now, darling. Teddy is your responsibility. Whether you have a bad day or not.

“Cas. Please.” I wiped away some of the tears from before and turned around to face him. “I’m parked just outside. Let me drive you home.”

I tried to abstract from the thought of relaxing in a warm and dry car and letting someone else take care of Teddy, and instead, I readied myself for the lonesome trip home. Teddy began to fuss, and Michael immediately began to cradle him. It all seemed to come so naturally to him.

“I …” I suppressed a sigh. “I can’t. Besides, I have the carriage with me, and-”

“We’ll just fold it. Can’t be that hard? Hm, Teddy?” Michael seemed weirdly cheerful, I thought. The chaos of this day had, however, left me with a feeling of anticipating just about anything by now. A thing I very much anticipated, was Teddy, now beginning to cry with tiredness.

“He’s tired. I should get him home. Here-”

Teddy began to wail, apparently at the sound of my voice, and we were once again the attention of the entire store.

“Go and pay. I got this.” Michael spoke softly to me, his tone relaxed and happy as to not alarm Teddy further. “I got this, Cas. Go.” Michael said and exited the store, Teddy cradled safely in his arms.