#we crash landed on a planet after the ship exploded (which had my dude having a breakdown bc he worked so hard to keep it clean)

[vaguelyhauntedcornfield]

I just played a barbarian janitor named larry who looks like a weird edit of Robert Pattinson as a janitor that came up when I googled ‘hot janitor’ and he rages when people make messes and has all his attacks reflavored as cleaning supplies and despite being planned with the dm in the 10 minutes before the one shot, he might be my favorite character ever

[voidendron]

Deep Blue Sea: Ch 11

Chapter 11: Headcount Subnautica/JSE Egos Crossover

Warnings: Swearing, Vomit Characters: Chase Brody, Marvin the Magnificent, Dr. Schneeplestein, Jackieboy Man, Jameson Jackson POV: Chase Brody

Chase went to scrub at his teary eyes only for his hands to hit the glass of his mask. All he could do was stare at Lifepod Three’s ripped open wall. His team’s fucking Seaglide had exploded. They’d never even gotten a chance to leave the pod.

When his PDA warned him of low oxygen, Chase swallowed and kicked for the surface; his jaw was aching from biting down on the mouthpiece so hard for so long. Every time he felt a sob trying to surface, he’d bite down. It kept him focused enough to keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

He kept Mason’s cracked PDA clutched tight against his chest. It was all he could think to do. The remaining two of his little maintenance team had had a chance. They’d landed—sure, their pod sank, but they’d landed. they’d been alive probably not even two hours ago—and if Chase had just been a little faster to get out here…

Reaching the surface, the man pushed his mask up and scrubbed at his eyes. The water stung them but he frankly couldn’t care even as he knew they’d start turning red. If they weren’t already.

God… Romero had three kids back on one of the Alterra colonies. Did they even know the Aurora had crashed? Who would bring them the news that their mother was probably dead on some alien planet? And—and Mason’s siblings. He was the youngest of four, wasn’t he? Their baby brother was gone. Their families couldn’t even have the closure of burying them because there was just…nothing left.

…Chase’s kids. He was still alive, but…they’d be told he was dead once Alterra realized what happened, wouldn’t they? Or that if he wasn’t, there was no way to get to him. What if he never saw them again?

He bit his tongue when another sob tried to surface.

No, no. Rescue would be sent. Eventually.

Who was he kidding? They were well outside of Alterra space. He—and any other survivors who may be out there—would just have to hope they got lucky and another ship happened through the system to pick up on the Aurora’s likely weak signal.

Back to Five. That’s all you can do now, Brody. The rest of the pods could still be checked. Just because those two hadn’t made it didn’t mean there couldn’t be other survivors.

He’d seen…he’d seen who? Keen. He remembered seeing Keen getting in a pod. …Nineteen? Fuck. If he remembered the coordinates, that would be one of the hardest to reach. His, and the CTO’s and her partner’s, Twelve that he didn’t know who had taken. One of the security guys had gone into one that was pretty deep, too. The rest should be easy(ish?) to get to.

…Hopefully.

That entertainer had taken Pod Four, but he didn’t know who was in the rest. Get back to Five, gather your wits, and get to…Four, he supposed? At least that one was at the surface.

A steadying breath and Chase pulled his mask back down to start the swim back.

He hadn’t even made it completely to his pod when he saw someone else farther out. They looked exhausted and was laying on one of the weird spire-things that stuck out of the shallows almost to the surface.

The entertainer; he recognized the long, dyed hair. It was still partially pulled back, but a lot had come loose and was sticking to the sides of his face and the mask. The man was panting and had a hand over his chest.

All Chase could feel was relief as he abandoned his objective for Five and took off toward the man.

He pushed his mask up, spluttering a little when he splashed himself in the face. “Hey!” he called. “Hey!”

The other man startled and flinched as he bolted upright before his shoulders sagged with relief.

“Oh, thank fuck,” he groaned, letting himself tip backward again so he was laying on the slightly submerged surface.

Chase floundered up onto the jutting stone formation and if it wasn’t for the fact they were both gross and sweaty and didn’t know each other he probably would have hugged the guy right then and there. “Which pod are you from?”

The guy started laughing—actually laughing—and Chase had to wonder if he was okay. “Don’t even try goin’ back there,” he said between, admittedly very tired-sounding, giggles. “That thing’ll swallow you whole.”

“…Huh?”

“The fuckin’…the Reaper. I’ve never seen an animal so goddamn big…” He’d stopped laughing at least; he honestly just looked like he wanted to sleep.

Chase shook his shoulder and dragged the guy into sitting up. “Big?”

“Mhm.” He rubbed at the bump on his head. Looked like he’d hit it pretty hard; Chase subconsciously pressed a hand to his own temple where the loose panel had hit him. “The thing just…I didn’t know somethin’ could be that big.”

A calming breath. Maybe the guy was just in shock or something. Or did he really not want to talk about whatever a “Reaper” was? “Dude. How big?”

“Mandibles longer than you are tall. It dragged my fuckin’ lifepod under the surface like it was nothing.”

Chase blinked. “Uh…dude. There’s no way there’s somethin’ that big out there. You sure you weren’t just panicking?”

That seemed to snap him out of it.

“Panicking?! I’m not fuckin’ exaggerating. That thing dragged Four so damn far down my ears popped. One of its mandibles broke through the pod’s exterior. If I hadn’t had a goddamn decoy I wouldn’t have even made it here.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair and took a steadying breath. “Just…don’t go to Four, okay? That thing’ll fuckin’ kill you.”

Chase’s PDA chirped and he blinked down at it. The entertainer’s had as well.

Close proximity. They were sharing information with each other.

One such bit of information was the Reaper’s file. His heart dropped when he looked it over.

There was no way something that big was on the planet.

…Right?

That made things a whole lot more complicated. Maybe they just…stuck around one area? Hopefully?

At least the other man’s PDA must not have been as damaged as his. A ton of blueprints filtered through that his had been missing.

Chase took a slow breath, then nudged the other man. “I…didn’t catch your name?”

“Uh. Right. Marvin.”

“Chase.”

The handshake was…beyond awkward, to say the least.

“I—”

“Hey!” He could hear a machine and splashing.

Two…no, no, three more survivors. One had a Seaglide (that was probably the machine he heard. no fair, why hadn’t Five been equipped with one?) and…one wasn’t moving. The biggest man, who Chase recognized as one of the ship’s doctors but didn’t know the name of, was more or less on his back and dragging the third man who—Jameson.

Both Chase and Marvin threw themselves off the rock and back into the water to meet the trio. Jameson wasn’t breathing.

“Wh… The fuck happened?!”

“He drowned, what does it look like?” the doctor snapped (great. he was that type of guy). “Open the pod and help get him inside!”

It ended up being the security guy (Jackie, apparently) and Chase who went into the pod with Jameson. Neither of them had been swimming for their lives (technically. Chase wasn’t going to count getting away from those shark-things after knowing what Marvin had faced) or carrying an unconscious passenger, so they had the most energy of the four. Energy would be needed, Chase thought as he swapped places with Jackie for the second time to begin chest compressions.

It wasn’t long into the next swap—Jackie was panting as he pressed down on Jameson’s chest (they were pretty sure they’d broken at least two ribs by that point). they were both exhausted and unsure if the other man would even make it—that the chef spluttered and threw up some water. They hurriedly turned him onto his side so he wouldn’t start choking as he gagged and spat. He didn’t throw up nearly as much water as Chase had been expecting.

Still, he finally let himself breathe with relief.

Jameson’s eyes were glassy and dazed, but he was breathing again. Now they’d just have to keep an eye on him for a while (the doctor had mentioned he could end up with pneumonia) to make sure he was doing all right.

Jackie went to get the doctor and Chase ducked out as soon as…Schneeplestein, that was it, right? he’d go with Schneep, entered the pod.

The remaining three—Chase, Marvin, and Jackie—found their way back to the barely submerged rock formation and sat themselves down.

“Okay.” Jackie looked expectantly between them. He was still carrying the metal rod (apparently it was a broken flare) and had it pressed into the stone so he could lean against it. “Now what?”

“Probably a habitat builder.” Chase gestured out at the setting sun. “Three, max, can be in a pod at once, so we at least need a basic room where we can sleep and start storin’ supplies.”

Marvin furrowed his brows. “But…we’re not gonna be here that long, are we? What about rescue?”

Chase snorted at that. “We’re outside’a Alterra space. Call me cynical but I don’t,” he cleared his throat when his voice cracked, “think anyone’s comin’.”

The color drained from the poor entertainer’s face.

“I mean…” Jackie gestured out at the Aurora. “It’s still mostly in one piece. We’d need radiation suits if what Marvin said is right, but…maybe it’s repairable?” …He looked right at Chase when he said it.

“I’m a repairman, not an engineer. Yu might still be alive, though, so if we find her and Berkeley, then I think we’d have a chance dependin’ on how sever the damage it.”

“Um…what’s the difference..?” Marvin asked.

Chase couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Nonessential maintenance. I repair stuff the engineers can’t be bothered with. Uh…changing light bulbs, fixing doors, makin’ sure intercoms are workin’.”

“…An electrician?”

“Sorta? Repairman’s still a better way to describe it. We’re kinda offtrack, though, guys?”

“Okay, right…” Jackie leaned his forehead against the broken flare. “So where are we starting? Habitat builder, ah..?”

“Seaglides for the red of us, and better air tanks,” Chase answered.

“Rebreathers?” Jackie suggested.

“Yeah. That’s…actually a really good idea. And…I guess just start collectin’ stuff? And we’re gonna need lots of food and purified water. Let’s start with the habitat builder so we can get somewhere for Jameson to properly lay down, then I guess. Go from there?”

[itsallavengers]

TALK STARKQUILL TO ME I NEED

Their meeting was a little less meet-cute and a little more,,, meet-ugly sort of thing.

Mainly because they both read the situation very badly and ended up trying to kill one another. Completely accidentally, but.

Still.

And really, can you blame Tony? Their ship does crash-land in the middle of a crowded highway, and barely manages to avoid civilians. Then they pop out, and they’re armed to the teeth, looking pretty threatening and...well... alien.

People end up calling (what’s left of) the Avengers- which happens, at the time, to be Tony and Tony alone.

Except the Guardians crashed in Florida; when Tony got the call he was in New Orleans at a science convention, and the suit was still in New York.

But he went anyway. Suit or no suit, he had to try. He was the only line of defence now, after... everything.

So, armed with a sophisticated watch-gauntlet and a gun he always kept tucked in his jacket pocket, he takes the jet and leaves to try and stop them from potentially, y’know, annihilating the world or whatever.

Except things don’t really happen like that, in the end.

“Listen, what are the chances you’re gonna do as I say when I order you to drop your weapons and leave?” tony asks wearily, as he holds the gun at the biggest guy’s weirdly patterned face and the gauntlet at the woman holding the largest gun he’s ever seen in his life. He doesn’t even bat an eyelid toward the talking walking raccoon or... the tree...thing.

Just another day in the life, at this point.

Although it would be kinda embarrassing if he ends up getting murdered by the raccoon. What the damn hell would they put on his grave? Here lies Tony Stark- saved New York, but unable to protect himself from the dangers of the Mighty Raccoon?

As soon as he’d spoken, about 13 different weapons were pointed in his face. Which hardly made sense, considering there were five of them and they all only had two hands. But whatever.

“How’s about we ask you the same? Except more forcefully, considering we got all the guns,” the raccoon said.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Where the fuck would I go then, what with me being a human being who lives here? Just fling myself into the void of space? And yes, tempting as that might sound, I’ve been there done that. Not as appealing as I would have thought, to be honest.” 

The five stared at him in confusion for a moment, before what looked to be the only actual human stepped forward, head cocked. His eyes were bright and beard scruffy- Tony thought it suited him.

Tony also thought he should probably focus on the task at hand, and his ever-growing chances of imminent death, rather than how pretty his opponent was.

“You’re just a human, huh?” Hot Scruffy Man asked.

Tony raised an eyebrow, and then pointed the gun at him when he took another step. “What gave it away? The fact that I have the same composition and structure as every other human on the planet? The fact I look just like you, who is also a human?”

“Half human,”

“What was the other half, pure asshole?”

“Actually... kinda, yeah.” The Hot Scruffy Man paused, and then shrugged. “Daddy issues.”

Tony had a brief moment to wonder what the fuck he was doing before an involuntary snort of laughter had escaped out of him. “Yeah- rode that train before, buddy- still doesn’t explain why you’re on the planet I protect, waving your guns around at innocent people and causing millions of dollars worth in property damage.”

The team in front of him paused, and then the man looked back at the green lady, who just shrugged and put down her gun. “We were told there was an imminent threat to your planet. We were in the neighbourhood, so we thought we’d come save you.”

Tony stared at them, contemplating. “Where are your sources from?”

“The fine NovaCorps,” Massive Bulked Alien Dude spoke up.

Tony squinted, running a hand across his forehead. “Am I… supposed to know what that means?”

“Fancy space police,” Raccoon told him.

“You seen any apocalyptic aliens round here lately?” Hot scruffy Man asked him again, slightly confused now. 

Tony just sighed. “Nope. And if there were, I would handle them. You can go back…wherever you came from, guys, it’s fine, Earth is fine-“

“You? You’re gonna protect the Earth? With your fancy little handgun and hand-firey thing?” The Raccoon laughed, and Tony scowled.

Luckily, because he had been counting the seconds in his head since he’d called it, he knew he was about to do something really badass, and it wiped the scowl off his face, replacing it with a little smile as he stared at the stupid talking Raccoon. 

“No,” he said, shrugging as he heard the familiar whirring sound of metal moving at hundreds of miles an hour up ahead of him.

The aliens looked up, one of them pointing their gun at the source of noise, like it would do anything. But in the space of a few seconds, it had already reached its intended target, slowing down just enough to not vaporise his body and wrapping around him, every piece fitting in a way that made Tony want to give himself a round of applause.

“I’m gonna protect Earth with this,” he said, raising his two repulsors and loading them right in the Raccoon’s little face.

There was complete silence for a second, before Hot Scruffy Man made a noise that should really, for the sake of Tony’s sanity, be kept in the bedroom. “That was literally the coolest and most attractive thing I have ever seen ever. In my life.”

Tony couldn’t help himself; he smirked and cocked his head Hot scruffy Man. “Sweetie, I appreciate the sentiment, but you’re gonna have to keep it in your pants until we can sort this out.”

Green Lady sighed, and walked forward to smack Hot Scruffy Man around the back of the head. “You know what we talked about, Peter- no flirting with potential targets. It’s in bad form.”

“This guy certainly hasn’t got a bad form,” Hot Scruffy Man- Peter- nodded over to Tony and smirked.

Green Lady sighed, and then turned to Tony. “Listen. You want to protect your planet. We want to protect your planet. How about rather than pointing our weapons at one another, we try and… you know, do what we set out to do?”

Instantly, the smile slide off Tony’s face, not that any of them could tell behind the faceplate. “I work alone. Sorry. You’re gonna have to l-“

And that was when the world sort of exploded around them.

Without even thinking about it, Tony shot forward and wrapped his arms around the two closest to him- the Green Lady and Peter- rolling them to the ground and hoping that the rest of his team, especially the more flammable ones, were okay. Green Lady yelled at the sudden-ness of his approach, but Peter just sighed. “Here we go,” he muttered into Tony’s shoulder.

Tony was inclined to agree, there.

Half-way through the battle, Peter AKA Starlord AKA Galaxy’s Number One Asshole asked him out.

Tony looked at him for a good four seconds before he got tackled to the ground by… (Dracula? Dracker? He was having to learn the names on the go, and his mind was currently on other, more explosion-based things) the Massive Bulked Alien Dude.

“THAT IS VERY UNPROFFESSIONAL, PETER!” He yelled, before looking down at Tony. “Are you well? I thought you may have been hit with a paralytic beam of some sort.”

Tony nodded, and then sat up. “No paralytic. Just your team-mate.”

Massive Bulked Alien Dude nodded wisely. “He does tend to have that affect on people.”

“What? Endangering their goddamn lives on the field?”

Massive Bulked Alien Dude paused, and then shrugged as he rolled off Tony. “I was going to say rendering people speechless with his idiocy, but that too.”

“Hey, that’s not fair, I’m actually clever, Tony, I promise! Boyfriend material, right here!” Peter yelled across the battlefield, looking over to them and grinning as he shot an alien in the back of the head without even looking.

“You’re a god damn alien!” tony yelled back exasperatedly, trying to keep the smile off his face as he jumped high into the air and then landed on an unfortunate opponent.

“Yeah- think of all the new tricks I must know, then,” Peter countered, winking as he dived behind a car and then threw what must have been a fancy bomb over the bonnet.

Tony’s mind briefly short-circuited at that (Holy mother of God) astute observation- but he quickly regrouped and fired a repulsor at an alien attempting to sneak up behind Rocket. “I’m gonna need a few examples before I agree to anything, sweetie,” he replied.

Peter laughed and opened his mouth, but then the Tree hit him over the head. “Ow!” he complained, looking betrayed.

“I have enough issues dealing with one distracted team-member whilst in the middle of a battle, I will not be dealing with two! Cut the flirting out!” Gamora yelled, as Tony watched her utterly destroy two different aliens at once.

“She thinks we should be ‘professionals’ and ‘focus on the mission’ when we’re in battle,” Peter said grumpily, wiping a cut across his face and then shrugging. “I respectfully disagree.”

Tony had to cut the conversation short again in order to swoop up and laser his way into the main hull of the ship that loomed barely even twenty meters over the battlefield, but he still had the team in the comm that FRIDAY had patched him into. “So what about Monday? You sticking around until then?” He asked.

Rocket swore at them down the line, but Peter just laughed. “For you, baby, of course I am.”

“Good. I’ve got a meeting with… let’s call him an ex. Be nice to have an excuse to blow him off.”

Peter whistled, “Oooh, want me to sweep you off your feet and declare battle with him for hurting you? I’m always up for it.”

“Much as I would like to see that, he’s kind of peak physical perfection. Plus I’d rather just make out with you,” Tony admitted.

“That’s fair. I want to make out with me too.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Yep- welcome to the Guardians- we’re all assholes here. You’ll fit right in,” Peter told him.

“I am GROOT!” Came a rumbling voice that Tony could hear even off the comms, and he looked down in time to watch the tree grab Peter around the wait and haul him, flinging him up in to the sky with a yell.

It was a perfect throw, to be fair to Groot. Peter’s momentum cut out just as he was level with Tony, who grabbed his shoulders and lifted his faceplate, just for a second, in time for Peter to plant one on his mouth with a grin and a raised eyebrow, before he began falling again, right into Groot’s waiting arms.

Through the comm, Gamora just sighed. “Idiots. All of you.”

[starfreightersays-blog]

Alien: Covenant

Spoilers ahead.

Alien Covenant is a sequel to Prometheus, which are both prequels to the original Alien film made in 1979. Prometheus was said to explain the space jockey’s from the first film, however, most people were disappointed with the result since it didn’t answer any of the questions from the first film and instead created more questions which confused most people. Because of this I had hoped that Alien: Covenant would answer these questions and set us up with the origins of the Derelict ship in the first film.

The film starts off with David’s ‘birth’, Peter Weyland, and we get an idea of David’s superiority complex as he’s already asking, ‘who made you?’ to his creator and pointing out that he will out-live him. We are then taken to the Covenant, a colony ship on its way to a planet to start a new civilization. Suddenly, a solar flare hits the ship while the solar sails are out causing several of the colonists to die as well as the Captain of the crew. Other than the flat screens and holograms, which bother me because of the inconsistency with the originals big chunky cathode ray TV’s, I was happy with this start. It shows the isolation of space which sets up a good atmosphere for the film.

We then follow the crew as they attempt to fix the solar sails. Other than everything sounding like it’s underwater rather than breathing this part is fine, there are only very nitpicking criticisms. When Tennessee (Danny McBride) is returning to the airlock a transmission strikes him as he is outside the ships signal blocking influence. Once back on the ship the crew inspect the transmission and they find that it is coming from a planet which looks like it was made for humans. When they clear up the transmission Tennessee points out that is clearly ‘Take me home country roads’, one of my favorite points in the movie. Since this planet is much closer than their destination the newly appointed captain decides to check it out.

They arrive at the planet and find that there’s a large ion storm so they make their first stupid decision, like impatient children they just go in anyway despite knowing that the storm will affect communications between the ground team and the mothership. This seems like a ridiculous idea seeing as they know hardly anything about this planet and there is a mysterious human transmission where there shouldn’t be any humans.

When they land on the surface and straight away step out without any helmets. I thought they were stupid in Prometheus taking off their helmets at all, but here they don’t even bother! But we see that they have lots of guns, so who needs helmets, am I right? They now realise that communications aren’t great with the mothership but they decide ‘Hell, let’s go on an adventure!’. I wouldn’t have such a problem with this if they used their common sense later in the film but they never find it so I feel they deserve all their mistakes pointing out.

As they make their way towards the mysterious transmission they find wheat growing, like actual Earth wheat. One guy seems to realise the craziness of this but everyone else just seems to brush it off. And in case you’re wondering, they don’t explain why there’s Earth plants. The team goes all Scooby-Doo and they split up as a scientist and her bodyguard go off to do some good sciencing, which makes sense, she’s doing a better job than most of them! She starts collecting samples when her bodyguard says he needs to take a leak, which turns out to mean ‘I need to go smoke a dubey’. He then proceeds to step on what, to me after playing a lot of Zelda, looks like it could only be a hearty truffle so I’m going to refer to it as such. After stepping on the hearty truffle it releases these spores which are reminiscent of the black goo from Prometheus. These spores apparently have a mind of their own and fly into the guys ear and burrow into his skin.

Elsewhere, the rest of the crew have found the source of the transmission: a crashed engineer ship, the very one we saw Shaw and David leave in at the end of Prometheus. When entering the ship one of the guys (wheat guy I believe) finds and starts poking a hearty truffle which leads to him getting a face full of the spores. But he’s like ‘I’m cool’, and they carry on inside the ship. They get to the cockpit where one of the guys accidently activates a hologram recording of an undiscernible Shaw sending the transmission, even though last time David needed an understanding of the alien language to activate a similar function. But hey, at this point I’m still pretty interested and have hopes that we will soon find out what happened to David and Shaw.

We then go back to science-lady and her bodyguard where he’s not looking so good. They decide to head back to the ship and the others decide to do the same. The science lady and her companion are almost at the ship when he throws up blood on her face, which should been kinda disgusting but it was just funny to me. They are then taken to the med-bay which is very poorly placed up lots of stairs and walkways.

Once in the room the dropship pilot examines the poor guys back which is now doing pretty disturbing things, when his back stuff just pops on her face! She, like any normal person, decides that’s enough of this shit for her and she locks the guy and the scientist in the med bay and runs off to tell her husband, Tennessee. Following this the guy with the ear spores starts wobbling violently until a ‘backburster’ pops out in a pretty gruesome manner. On the floor lies a small pasty alien looking thing which unlike the original chestburster doesn’t flee but takes on a human straight up and mauls the science lady but not before she slips on the pool of blood from the creature’s birth. The pilot returns with a shotgun, because creepy alien babies need to be killed, and she runs in the room where, like a slapstick comedy, she slips on the gore and shoots the ceiling. I mean one person slipping was funny but two is hysterical, especially when they’re trying to scare you. The woman then tries to shoot the baby but keeps missing until she shoots the explosive red barrels that someone carelessly left lying around in a med-bay.

The ship then explodes just as the rest of the crew arrive so that her husband, the Captain, can see her burning body collapse. At this point it feels like these people are having the worst day imaginable and you’ve just got to just laugh as bad things just happen one after another. But remember, wheat guy also had some spores! Although instead of the baby coming out the back, this time he just vomits it up and it runs away. I just want to point out at this point that these creatures have been developing for a maximum of 2 hours and in that time they’ve gone from spores to something the size of a small cat…that’s crazy, but let’s continue.

The crew then set up a camp for the night when they are attacked by the two pasty alien like creatures which have been called neomorphs. The attack begins when one of the neomorphs sneaks up on Daniels and is saved by Walter, the android of the Covenant who is identical physically to David, as he sacrifices his hand for her. The two creatures then go crazy on the crew and some people get killed, but you don’t really care because you only know a couple of them and it’s really dark anyway, so who cares - Death! Excitement! The crew then manages to shoot one of the creatures but the other is scared off by a signal flare which is shot into the sky by a mysterious figure in a cloak. The figure tells them to follow him so they do because he helped them. Daniels must go back for the Captain though as whilst all of this was happening he was still standing by the dropship wreckage crying about his dead wife. I mean I’m just saying, if these neomorph were anything like the original alien then I think they would have silently taken out the guy on his own who’s oblivious to everything around him rather than bumrushing a whole group of dudes with guns, but since these neomorphs seem less intelligent and more feral, I’ll let it slide.

The mysterious figure leads the crew into what appears to be an engineer structure since there are lots of black fossilized bodies around the place. Someone asked whether the neomorph will be able to get in too and the figure reassures them that it can’t. Everybody seems cool with this despite there not being any proper doors or anything. The figure then reveals himself to be David with grown his hair, which I didn’t realise was possible or necessary for an android but who am I to judge Mr Weyland. He reveals that their ship accidently deployed the black goo and in the confusion the ship crashed, killing Shaw! Now at this point I’m really bummed. Firstly because at the end of Prometheus Shaw asked the question ‘why did the engineers create then try to kill us?’ which I think is a good question to ask since it doesn’t make much sense, I mean you don’t make a sandwich then seconds later want to throw it out for no good reason! The second thing that annoyed me was the off-screen death of Shaw. I hate offscreen deaths, especially between films, it’s like Hick’s and Newt dying at the start of Alien cubed, it just feels like a cheap way to get rid of a character who they didn’t have room for.

The crew tries to contact the Covenant but can’t get through the ion storm, which they should have thought about before running onto the planet with guns blazing. At this point, Tennessee is worried about his wife so takes the Covenant in closer to the storm to see if he can contact the rest of the crew because he’s understandably panicky about his wife, who he last heard screaming in horror.

The next part gets a bit weird since David teaches Walter how to play a flute, and although it sounds very strange it seems to fit in with the rest of the film. David then shows Walter the devastation of the city and reveals in a flashback that he purposely released the black Goo onto the engineers and the he supposedly loved Shaw, which is weird. I’d like to point out now that the black goo which supposedly weaponizes life just turned the engineers to burnt looking corpses, which makes what it does even more confusing. I would also like to note how the engineers are just as stupid as the humans since they allowed a warship which carried world destroying black goo to reach the surface despite it being missing for so long and the fact they didn’t even check to see if there were any engineers on board either. So maybe David killed them because they just lack common sense! However, we never do find out why David suddenly decides genocide is what he wants for the engineers. David is disappointed by Walter and for some weird reason he decides to kiss Walter and then kill him, which is actually the scariest part of the film because damn Walter’s creepy android face as he dies!

While David’s with Walter the other, now fully, grown neomorph sneaks into the building through an open window, which isn’t really surprising, and it decapitates some woman who, if I’m honest, I didn’t recognise. David then finds the neomorph and tries to befriend the creature. The Captain sees this display and shoots the neomorph, because you know, it’s already killed people. The Captain then shows some more initiative and asks David for answers. David leads him to a laboratory where we see similar neomorphs that have been dissected. David explains that he’s been studying the black goo and perfecting the life it created. Now at this part any normal person would take out David cause he’s being a crazy man but the Captain just plays along which leads to the most ridiculous part of the film. David says he’ll show the Captain the results of his experiment as he leads him to a room full of alien eggs. And the Captain is still pretty chill, it’s like he completely forgot about what the pasty aliens were like. One of the eggs then open and David says ‘look! It’s perfectly safe I assure you’, why this man trusts this guy nobody will ever know but next thing we know…there’s a facehugger on the guy.

Now at this point Tennessee is way too close to the ion storm but it pays off since the crew get a message through and Tennessee prepares an industrial crane thing to pick the crew up since they only had one dropship on such a big ship (makes sense right). Anyway, some time passes, like 5 minutes maybe, the Captain wakes up and immediately a chestburster pops out! Usually this takes several hours but Alien: Covenant doesn’t care. What’s more is the chestburster isn’t the pasty worm like creature that we are familiar with, but for some reason it’s just a really small alien which looks like a cross between an alien and Baby Groot.

Now the rest of the crew go looking for all the missing people and they find David’s laboratory along with what looks like Shaw’s dissected body. They go into the room with the eggs and unlike the Captain, they realise that they should probably start running. However, one of the guys gets a facehugger latched onto him but luckily before it gets on properly his friend cuts it off, causing him to get acid on his face! Unfortunately, his hero friend pulls the short straw as he gets ambushed by a fully-grown alien…. that’s right, in the space of like 5 minutes a tiny Baby Groot Alien grows to 7 foot! Ridley Scott just disregards the other movies and just reduces the alien’s growth from egg to full size to about 10 minutes, I swear it takes longer than this in the AVP movies! At least the alien is acting right its hiding and waiting to ambush but this doesn’t make up for everything else that has happened.

While this is happening David and Daniels are fighting and, suddenly, David kisses Daniels! Was David really horny after being alone for 10 years? It really makes no sense. But Daniels is saved at the last moment by Walter who, being an upgrade from David, has a self-repair function and knows his moves! This leads to a pretty cool fight between two Michael Fassbenders as Daniels makes her escape. As the two fight, we see Walter on top about to finish David, yet before we see him finish it we’re shown David’s hand reaching for a knife…and the scene cuts, totally not insinuating anything.

Tennessee reaches the surface just in time for everyone to get on board. Those people being Burny face guy, Daniels and now David who is dressed like Walter who I guess we’re supposed to think is Walter but after not showing a death and David going for the knife it’s pretty obvious what’s happened. As the dropship takes off the alien manages to get on board. Daniels being a badass decides to take it on. What follows is some crazy antics and flying action where Daniels is being tossed around in ways which would kill most humans and the alien being crushed in a crane jaw thing.

They return to the ship and everybody is happy and nobody checks Walter despite him being identical to David who is a crazy android who wants to kill everyone. They patch up burny face guy with some playdoh and relax…But wait! It’s not over, the alarms go off since they detect an unknown lifeform on the ship. A strange piece of technology which would have been useful in Aliens so they could have known about that Queen sneaking on-board but hey I hear technology gets worse in the future. Anyway, Daniels and Tennessee go to investigate, only to find burny face guy all dead and chestbursted. Once again, this film can’t even keep to its own canon of gestation time since this guy would have had the alien in him for at least 30 minutes or maybe even an hour! What’s more, this guy never was properly facehugged. The facehugger needs to knock you out in order to get the eggs inside you since otherwise you’d throw them up, and not only that but as we’ve seen in all the alien films (including this one), the facehugger takes time to implant the eggs it can’t do it in a couple of seconds! But anyway, the super helpful computer knows where the alien is heading which is towards the only other crew left, who are having a shower at this point. We then see them get snuck up on by a fully-grown alien who takes them out. I think if this scene was somewhere else it would be great perfect sneaky alien and a good way to sneak up on people. I mean I can kinda justify the fact they didn’t hear the alarms, but this one scene can’t save a whole movie. Enough of the praising because I’m not sure if you notice but the alien has grown up even faster this time, it’s gone from chestburster to 7-foot alien in about 2 minutes or 3 at the max, and presumably without eating! Either that was one heavy baby or these aliens are just balloons that just puff themselves up after they pop out.

Anyway, Daniels and Tennessee find the carnage and Daniels has a plan. They lure the alien to the terraforming bay and trap it in a truck to send it out the back into space. Once again, if not for the rest of the film this would have been cool, but it’s not over yet of course. Tennessee gets put into hyper sleep and as Walter puts Daniels in her pod she finally figures out that it’s actually David, but it’s too late.

David then proceeds to go to an embryo holding tray and reguritates up a couple of baby facehuggers trapped in bouncy balls….no joke. Tiny facehuggers that can fit in your palm and incased in a clear sack. I mean at this point I want to exclaim “what are these…Facehuggers for ants?!” because this is just ridiculous. And talking about these facehuggers, why can’t the omnipotent ship computer not detect them or for that matter detect David not being Walter? So to end it we’re left questioning what will happen next, and also, for me at least, how did you screw it up so bad?

So, I want to summarise some of the main problems with this film. Firstly, everyone is really stupid, they need better scientists in the future. Secondly, David’s motives are never explained, what made him so crazy on the way to the engineer planet that he killed Shaw and committed genocide on a whole species. Thirdly, they completely screwed up the alien’s life cycle by shortening its growth to minutes which makes it unrealistic even for a sci-fi. And relating to that they made the once mysterious and ancient creature a product of a human creation since humans created David who created the aliens. Fourthly, it contradicts the other films, I was a cheesed off when the engineer’s elephant faces turned out to be masked but this time they actually change the lore. Now the ‘fossilised’ space jockey from the first film is less than 20 years old and for some reason is carrying eggs created by David, it doesn’t make much sense at all. Also it contradicts the painting we saw in Prometheus of an alien in the dreadnaught, the alien skull in Predator 2 and the AVP films (although they’re awful they’re still pretty fun) not to mention it strips the aliens of their mystery and did I mention those eggs on LV-426 must have been there less than 20 years! And the last problem is the technology being more advanced than it is in the future, but only diehard fans of alien will understand my pain.

This film could have been so great! For example, if David had found the eggs in a lock up on the planet, it would have kept some mystery. When David and Walter were fighting, they could have made us actually think David was killed so that the reveal would have actually been good.

I don’t just criticise it for no reason, I want to criticize it so Ridley Scott will make a worthy Alien prequel, hell in my opinion Prometheus was better than Alien Covenant since it didn’t have repercussions for the entire alien universe!