#we have 12 days left guys cant we just like. chill. can we be normal

[blueskittlesart]

heads up ! totk in its entirety has leaked ( like the xci got uploaded and everyday people are emulating it, it's not just a handful of leakers streaming / datamining it ). be careful ^^

holy shit how did they fuck up this bad

[cirilee]

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

[savoies]

50 questions.

i was tagged by @cartrshart. thank you ash, ive been wanting to do this one. (:

1) what is the color of your hairbrush? - one is purple and one is white+pink. 2) name a food you never eat? -cow head or tongue. its popular in Mexican culture but its not for me.

3) are you typically too warm or too cold?

- my body is super warm always like always that my family cant even place their hand on my shoulder when its hot outside.

4) what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

- i was working on cast my mutuals on my main account. 5) what’s your favorite candy bar? kit kat. 6) have you ever been to a professional sports game? yes! i used to go to a lot as a kid cause my uncle used to get tickets. i went to many angels games, an indoor football game, and when i was seven i went to my first hockey game. but recently i went to a devils and leafs game(both against the ducks) in march. the devils game was the first game i went to after i started liking the nhl. 7) what is the last thing you said out loud? - ¨ merrimack keeps sending me emails even though they dont have my major.¨ telling my mom after reading my school emails. 8) what is your favorite ice cream? either cookies & cream or cookie dough. (wow ash exactly the same oop) 9) what was the last thing you had to drink? water. (: 10) do you like your wallet?

- yeah i have been wanting a smaller wallet for a while and i finally got it a while back.

11) what is the last thing you ate? Neapolitan ice cream. 12) did you buy any new clothes last weekend? actually i did! i bought a waterproof jacket, a Hawaiian shirt, a half zipper sweater, and a t-shirt. (: yard sale things oop. 13) what’s the last sporting event you watched? i believe it was game 2 with my mom. 14)what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? movie theater popcorn with movie theater butter jsjs. 15) who is the last person you sent a text message to? i rarely text anyone outside of tumblr. rori. @andreisvechnigod love you <3 

16) ever go camping? yes! we have an annual camping trip that we’ve gone on for about for more than five years.but it got canceled this year. :( 17) do you take vitamins? nope. 18) do you regularly attend a place of worship? yes ma’am. i grew up religious and then like i hated my church(cause the people were like hypocrites oop) but then my parents took us to another church and i like it there a lot. a lot of cute guys lol. the vibe is great. every sunday (: 19) do you have a tan? does a bad tan line count? 20) do you prefer Chinese or pizza? depends but usually Chinese.  21) do you drink your soda through a straw? if its from restaurants then yes but if its straight outta the can then no. 22) what color socks do you usually wear? black with a colored line and colored letters of the brand at the bottom. 23) do you ever drive above the speed limit? cant drive ahaha. 24) what terrifies you? all of the above, heights, bugs, public speaking, etc. 25) look to your left, what do you see? fan. 26) what chore do you hate most? deep cleaning the whole house. 27) what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? g’day mate 28) what’s your favorite soda? dr. pepper 29) do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru all the way, my social anxiety cant handle going in. 30) what’s your favorite number? 11 cause of my birthday or 21. 31) last person you talked to?

my mom.

32) favorite cut of beef? idk? ahaha. 33)last song you listened to? driving to Hawaii by summer salt but im currently listening to she looks so perfect by 5sos. 34) last book you read? for school outliers but on my own a crime book and the last song by Nicholas sparks. 35) favorite day of the week?  Saturday. 36) can you say the alphabet backwards? no. 37)how do you like your coffee? more creamer than coffee, i know. :\ 38) favorite pair of shoes? my velcro vanz probs or the basic old school vanz or dark blue converse. 39) time you normally get up? 5:30am if i go on a hike if not 7:45 for school. weekends it depends anywhere from 10am to 2pm oop. sundays at 8 if i go to church. 40)what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets but if you have the chance to see a sunrise they're pretty cool too. 41)how many blankets on your bed? 2 small throws. 42) describe your kitchen plates? black and the bigger ones are jade blue with a black border. 43) describe your kitchen at the moment? tidy messy oop. 44) do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? im a minor. (margaritas are chill though) non alcoholic of course. 45) do you play cards? we play different card games with my family sometimes. 46) what color is your car? dont have one. cant drive but both of my parents are a type of gray and id like a black one probs. 47) can you change a tire? with assistance maybe? my dad has shown us the basics once when we broke down in the freeway at 9pm.  48) your favorite state? i live in CA and its really all i know but i love utah and i really want to see Colorado and the east coast. 49) favorite job you’ve had? due to a personal reason i cant have a job rn. so none since ive never had one lol. 50) this one is long so ill understand if you skip it lol. @hartsyhart @seggy-seggs @andreisvechnigod @kncny @farabees @leeqianxiao @jmaybanks(also sorry if youve done it already.)

[imagine-loki]

Two Hot Chocolates, A Brownie and A Norse God of Mischief

TITLE: Two Hot Chocolates, A Brownie and a Norse God Of Mischief

CHAPTER NUMBER: One-shot

AUTHOR: Inspired-snowflace

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: imagine that you are really interested in MARVEL and you and your friend are always like quoting the movies and so one day ur in a cafe and u say a Loki quote and then someone behind u finishes the quote ur saying and it sounds hella like Loki so u turn around to be like whoa great impression but when you turn around it’s actually Loki and he’s like nice impression and ur like dead and just fangirling and Loki is just loving being adored so much and so u two end up hanging out and fall in love

NOTES/WARNINGS: I haven’t written anything in the past 3 months. So this is my attempt to get back to writing. I am sorry if it isn’t good, but I tried real hard. I am sorry it I disappointed the original imagine writer due to not putting the same ending. (And not to mention half of it iust got deleted by itself)

"When you said you were opening Wakanda to the world, this is not what I imagined."

“Well, what did you imagine?”

“The Olympics, a starbucks maybe?”

That was it. That was all your crazy friend had to say to lead to this moment. You had shifted to a new place and this was the first time your friend was visiting you. You took her to the nearby Starbucks, because Olympics wasn’t really your cup of tea. As you entered the store, the only noise was the small bell on the door. Well, that you and your friend were here, not anymore.

“I am Loki of Asgard and I am burdened with glorious purpose" Your friend screamed, testimony to the statement that you both quoted the movies so much that you wont notice even if you came face to face with the real avengers.

You looked inside to see a couple sitting and a man with his back turned to you. Hm.. Didn’t look like the kind of people who would call an ambulance on you guys to take you to the mental hospital.

You liked this branch because it was cosier as compared to the others, with a very few people. The shop had mahogany furniture which mingled beautifully with the smell of freshly brewed coffee and hints of vanilla. You went to place the order while your friend picked a seat.

“Is that your friend?” The barista asked you sceptically. He didn’t think you mad and you attributed that painful fact to the inability to scream quotes when you were alone.

“Loki is beyond reason but he is of Asgard and he is my brother.”

He stared at you blankly. Ahhh... not a fan. Probable candidate of calling the ambulance.

“I would like two hot chocolates, a brownie and a Norse God of Mischief please.” You placed your order.

“Hot chocolates- 2, Brownie-1 and... what was your last request?”

“Never mind.. you guys don’t have it on the menu” You wish you knew how wrong you were at the moment.

“That will be 12.50.”

You paid and waited for your order. When it arrived, you picked it daintily and turned around. You saw her sitting ahead of the man. Yet, she took matters in her own hands.

“Cap, On your left.” She turned and waved as if there were a hundred occupied tables instead of just three. She was sitting on the table ahead of the man, which were the only two tables on the left. She had purposely chosen that table. Cheeky girl!! A+ for the effort.

Placing the order down you sat opposite to her your back to the man. Immediately, she picked the cup with your name on it.

“He spelt your name wrong!!! He had one job!! Just the one!!”

Well, you had corrected the man the last time you were here. But people spelt it wrong so often that you stopped correcting them. It wasn’t exactly new for you.

“If it’s all the same to you, I will have that drink now.”

You friend turned to look at the barista and scream some Tony, or better yet, Falcon quote. Instead she turned back without screaming and said, “Oh God!! He is cute!!”

Trust your friend to fall in love with someone who is minutes away from calling the ambulance on you guys.

“There is only one God ma’am, and I am pretty sure he does not dress like that.”

“Loki.” You both said at once, laughing and high-fiving.

“I swear he exists only to raise my expectations in men. Normal men- yeah! They will never be God.” You added.

“Your world on the balance and you bargain for one man?”

“Any day... If you are talking about Loki, that is.”

There was a few minutes of silence where you both savoured your hot chocolates and the brownie. You hear footsteps and saw the couple leave.

“I wanted to tell you something..” Your friend said, interrupting the peace.

“I was having 12 percent of the moment.” You added closely after, “I am listening.”

“I understood that reference.” She said pointing out like Steve.

She continued, “Since you have given the breakfast treat, allow me to take you lunch. There is a Shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don’t know what it is, but I want to try it.”

“Why do you wanna take me to lunch? Tell me!!” You whisper screamed.

“Its really not that complicated. I got red on my ledger, I'd like to wipe it out.”

The next dialogue was more malicious, but cursed be you if you allowed a chance to say Loki’s dialogue slip. So you steeled yourself and began, “Can you?”

“Can you wipe out that much red? Dreykov's daughter, Sao Paulo, the hospital fire? Barton told me everything.” Came a voice from behind you, nailing the dialogue, the British accent and the snark down to a T. You literally froze, a chill went down your spine as you understood the dread that must have sparked in Agent Romanoff. However, it died as soon as the dialogue ended. Not for your friend though, she sat with her jaw hanging as if she had just seen a ghost.

“Umm.. wow man!! That was flawless. You nailed it down perfectly.” Under normal circumstances, you would have quoted the movies but all flew out of your head when he spoke.

Your voice seemed to snap your friend out of the daze she was stuck in. Her eyes widened and she pointed the space behind you. She tried to speak but no words came out. Her eyes were unblinking as if she feared that a blink will turn it into a dream.

“Cap, to your left” She finally said, but you figured her words from reading her lips rather than what she said, for her voice was completely inaudible.

You turned around.

No. No way.

Sitting there was a man, with a chiselled marble face, framed by night black hair, his bluish-green eyes seemed so deep that you could not look away. It seemed like the sea had engulfed you with its beauty. But your focus was stolen by the smile. Despite the mean comment, the smile was hopeful, was genuine.

You had argued with you friend that the first thing you would do if you ever saw Loki would be to scream, jump up and down no matter the situation. But even as you tried to say his name, your voice got stuck with the various emotions having a party in your throat. This time your friend snapped you out of the temporary muteness by whisper screaming.

“This is madness!!”

“Is it?” His eyes softened as he looked at you, “Is it?”

“OhMyGodLokiThisIsUnbelievableIAmAHugeFan!!” You squealed in an incoherent language.

“Darling, I am pretty sure even allspeak cant translate that.” He said with a laugh.

“Oh my gosh!!! Can we get a hug?” Finally, all the quotes flew out of your friend’s mind.

He had such an innocent smile on his face that it seemed impossible that this guy had tried to attack New York. He stood up and green light shimmered around him, changing his coat into the costume from the avengers. He held his arms open calling you both for a hug.

You were quicker to respond. “Mmmm.. Brother, you look ravishing.” And proceeded to throw your arms around him and bear hugged with as much love as your body could muster, making sure to convey the love and make your tumblr friends proud. Behind you, your friend had completely lost her mind at the change of outfit.

“Dont faint. Don’t faint. Don’t faint....” She repeated like a mantra while pressing her fingers into her temples as if that would keep her alive.

“Does she do this often?” Loki asked you amused at the effect he had on your friend.

“Only when she meets incredibly hot Gods of Mischief in their armour.” You said with a smirk.

You nervously glanced at the counter because it was about time for the ambulance to be called. He was busy cleaning the counter, leaving you guys to your own shenanigans. Phew!! No ambulance.

Then you noticed the mischievous glint in Loki's eyes with the words, “Just a bit of illusion magic dear.”

Meanwhile, you saw that your friend was crushing Loki in a bear hug so tightly that you doubted he was able to breathe but he didn’t say anything, happy for the love and attention he was getting.

“Now, now, darling, even if I am a God, an occasional breath of oxygen would be nice.” Your friend loosened ever so slightly, taking his words ‘occasional breath of oxygen’ too literally.

“Hey!! Get off him!! Get yourself your own Loki. He is my God of Mischief!!” You pouted and started playfully hitting your friend, urging her to stop hugging him so that you could be in his embrace again. After all, how many people are luck enough to hug their fictional crush.

Loki threw his head back and laughed and opened his arm, “Well, I can definitely handle two mortals crushing me.” You threw yourself into his open waiting arm after poking your friend a bit so that you could squish your cheek against his armour.

“I must say; it was easier to breathe with Thor's hammer on my chest. You mortals are pretty strong.”

“You have an army.” Your friend’s muffled voice came and then added, “And we will most certainly kneel.” Loki laughed at that though his cheeks were sprinkled pink.

“How about my beautiful ladies stop crushing me like a bilgesnipe its prey, and then perhaps we talk and exchange, what do they call it, phone numbers?”

“Deal!!” You promptly screamed. Your friend promptly fainted.

“I am honoured?” He questioned, winking at you.

“Oh don’t worry about her”, you dismissed. “She wouldn’t want to miss your phone number.” You said while facing your friend.

“Of course I will not!!” your friend said while keeping her fainted pretence. “Haven’t you seen enough movies to know that this is the cliché where he falls in love with me?”

You all laughed.

[usercass]

50 Question Tag

yeah im making this a seperate post or it'll be waaayyy too long but thank you for the tag!! @apatheticanvas67482

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

i dont actually own a hairbrush.....

2. Name a food you never eat

cooked carrots, love them raw but i cannot i will gag

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

too warm i will keep my fan on in the winter bc id rather bundle up

4. What were you doing 45min ago?

facetiming my fam i miss them so much 😭

5. Favorite candy bar?

uhh prob symphony bar

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game?

once i think i was 6 or 7 and it was a seattle mariners game and i hated it

7. What is the last thing you said outloud?

either love you bye to my fam or saying hello to my cat

8. Favorite ice cream?

lotta sweet questions i dont eat a lot of sweets but ummmm this specific huckleberey ice cream in my college town

9. What is the last thing you had to drink?

water always i drink water religiously

10. Do you like your wallet?

yeaaahhh its a mans wallet but i like it bc i like small purses

11. What is the last thing you ate?

currently eating hot cheetos while doing this...

12. Did you buy any new clothes last week?

i bought my bridesmaids dress for my sisters wedding :):):)

13. What's the last sporting event you watched?

probably the last game i worked in sports medicine in high school which was probably baseball

14. Favorite flavor of popcorn?

some of these are such obscure questions but ummm idk classic salt and butter

15. Who is the last person you sent a text to?

My bro as usual hes my best friend

16. Ever go camping?

oh hell yea my family has gone camping at least once every year since before i can remember but thats pretty common on the west coast i think

17. Do you take vitamins?

seriously what are these questions no i dont and dont come for me

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship?

yes ma'am can i get a hallelu

19. Do you have a tan?

nooo im pasty

20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza?

probablt chinese bc variety and ragoons

21. Do you drink soda out of a straw?

not exclusively

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

black always and forever

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

i aint no wuss

24. What terrifies you?

things i cant control especially people's preception of me

25. Look to you left what do you see?

my florence + the machine shirts hung up on my dorm wall bc im too lazy to decorate

26. What chore do you hate the most?

dusting i hate having to move shit, dust, then move it back

27. What do you think when you hear an australian accent?

who came up w these i wanna know why australlian specifically

but nicole kidman

28. What is your favorite soda?

uhhhhhhhh baja blast

29. Do you go inside fast food places or use the drive thru?

drive thru

30. What is your favorite number?

currently its the gas rate constant .08206 bc fuck chemistry but i like that number

31. Last person you talked to?

fam already established

32. Favorite cut of beef?

this is a no beef house we tryna destroy the beef industry thank you

33. Last song you listened to?

it was hamilton.... but i said that last tag game so imma say the one before that which was Les Amours Dévouées by Cœur De Pirate

34. Last book you read?

if webtoons and textbooks dont count Inside the Criminal Mind

35. Favorite day of the week?

probably sunday bc i love going to church and chilling w the fam

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

i actually can i learned in middle school so i could flex

37. How do you like your coffee?

i like it just the right amount of sweetness and bitter and nutty tho ive been drinking tea more

38. Favorite pair of shoes?

prob my teeva sandals made from recycled materials and comfy af

39. Time you normally get up?

9:30-10ish if i dont have class

40. Sunrise or sunset?

now im singing fiddler on the roof i love sunrises but im rarely awake for them

41. How many blankets on your bed?

single comforter bc im always warm

42. Describe your kitchen plates

well im at college rn so theyre teal plastic disks could be a frisbee honestly

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment

again at college so its p big to accomadate 6 girls but its actually p clean all the time

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink?

i dont drink anymore but when i did i loved crown royal whiskey

45. Do you play cards?

i play card games but if you mean poker nope

46. What color is your car?

hes a gorgeous silver 2010 volvo xc60 with a peridot sticker on the side that says clod

47. Can you change a tire?

i know how to but bolts are rlly tight and idk if im strong enough

48. Favorite state?

ummm i have a fondness for washington because its where i grew up and i loooove the rain

49. Favorite job you've had?

ive only had two sooo i guess caption call we used voice to text to print what was being said on the phone so people w hard of hearing can read the convo

50. Tagging EVERYOONE bc im too much of a wuss to tag people yaaaayyy

but tag me if you do it i wanna get to know you guys

also someone teach me how to do the continue reading thing

[pirate-kid2k19-blog]

Dumb thoughts and images that come to mind when i try to sleep after a near overdose on caffiene

Putting that in bc its a big mood right now

My brain @ sleep

Yall theres motorcycles oyu at 5:25am i-

I wish my friends were up and that it was like 3pm and i slept but that sounds like a dream world-

Smoke or Fire's song called 1968 both intensifies my existential crisis and helps it feel better at the same time.

If history doesnt repeat itself, why do we have blonde ass toupe wearin hitler as the us president??

"Im in a position thats so uncomfortable its comfortable." - some random dude on youtube like 3 years ago

Im not saying its impossible for an insomniac to fall asleep after 5am, im just saying its impossible for me to do so.

If ive got nothing to do today im gonna listen to music, draw, and nap all day. Those make me happy.

I say that last sentence knowing full well imma be up at 3am runnin to the medicine cabinet to down a bottle of melatonin.

Seriously though im either gonna draw, listen to music, or hopefully ill be able to nap but idk. If i cant nap i'll likely just be talkin to my like,,, 3 friends i think it is that i have left.

So here's my outfit plan if i have to go anywhere:

Hollywood undead shirt (desperate measures or V whichever i find) or my reel big fish shirt and a hawaiian shirt over it

Black or baggy camo jeans (cutoff jean shorts if its hot enough)

Whatever shoes i can find to slip on prolly my slide on vans

My camo hat that i almost always wear lol or my dogtooth print old man hat that works with a rude boy outfit well even tho i originally got it because some sweet old lady at the thrift store reccommended it to me because she thought id like it (shes not gonna see this but i did like it i did buy it and i do wear it)

Energy drink can lmao

Who needs a backpack or anything like that when my eyebags can hold all my shit :)

Black or checkered belt

So like,,,, its 5:38am and im still wide awake lol

I'll be fine tho guys normally i pull an all nighter friday night or am up super late, am up all day saturday til like 1-3am then i go to sleep and sleep for like 12-15 hours on sunday, and have a normal sleep schedule (i count it as normal because i still get enough sleep) monday-thursday. I guess im a normal person because like,,,im so like,,,chill during the week then i have like a crazy fuckin weekend that leaves me sleeping all day sunday. Either this is normal fr or normal on tumblr. Idk.

I wanna watch a candle flame buuut im not gonna get up bc i think my granddad is awake and he'll hear me walking around and come tell me to sleep. Though, i do tell him if its past 6am that i woke up at 6, had to use the bathroom, and couldnt go back to sleep after, but its only 5:43. Time to watch candleflame gifs lol

I love that one because it doesnt have any sort of like eerie vibe its literally just 2 lit candles and i love it.

So heres 5 of my current favorite reaction images rn plus a bonus cursed image:

Btw this post will go on til my clock hits 6:00am lol msybe before maybe after hut around that time.

Time check:5:47am, my left arm is asleep like the rest of me zhould be but i kinda layed on it for like a solid 2 hours and 48 minutes.

I wonder what long stiletto acrylic nails would look like on toes. Will google it now but if nothing pops up im photoshopping it when i get my phone bc that would be super cursed

High thoughts but the high is sleep deprivation will be the theme of my next blog.

Yo what if it was normal to put acrylic nails on ur toes instead of ur fingers

If we're in a simulation, we wont know until the world ends and we all get minecraft hard mode game over screens.

What if ehen you got ran over irl the last thing you see is your vision goes black and white and red text appears. "Wasted."

I might convert my most unused blog into a blog for sleep deprived and shower thoughts, seeing as literally almost wvery day i put my phone in a ziploc bag snd take it into the shower

I kinda feel calm now. Like...if i felt this calm 2 hours ago i wouldve been dead asleep lmao.

My right finger hurts from how i gotta hold this tablet lmao.

Me: i kinda wanna like,,,just kinda draw but idk what to draw and ive had art block for a few months now...*talks about art block*

My mom, interrupting me: ITS BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS ON THAT DAMN PHONE

[mentalhealthvents]

hi. introduction post? i dont know if anyone will see this.

TW: mentions of suicide, suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, bullying, abuse, sexual assault, slurs, self harm

hi. im finn, im 13, im a trans guy and i have a Whole Host of issues. you dont have to read this, but i guess you can submit vents to this account? i dont have a plan. this is me screaming into the void and waiting for a reply. it might just be an echo.

so uh, the best place to start is probably where my main issues started, a.k.a. year 2. basically, i had extremely stressed and pulled out my hair. people werent really dicks about it cause they were 7, but i got some weird looks. two years later (year 4. nine years old) i started with my first therapist and got informally diagnosed with trichotillomania. pulled my hair out again, got bullied. i was a very bulliable person. insecure, not physically fit or attractive or well liked. smart, but afraid.

i stopped therapy at the end of year 5 as i moved into school number 4. it was a very religious cathedral school. i was starting to seem more and more eccentric/weird/gay. people didnt like that. i got called a lot of slurs. fag, dyke, tranny, retarded - you name it, i probably got called it. that year is where i developed a very good resistance to blunt force pain and pain in general.

skip to year 7 - school number 5. a grammar school. i think ill meet good, nice friends. i did. i also met the worst person id ever had the misfortune of seeing. her name was lottie. she physically attacked me, verbally abused me including telling me to die and saying she hoped i would kill myself.

she taught me how to take the blade out of a pencil sharpener.

i moved classes.

mid 2018, i self harmed for the first time (knowingly). i occasionally stopped eating for a few days, i didnt leave the house, i hated talking to anyone and had just gotten out of my 3rd therapist. it was a pretty bad time. i got out.

july 2018, i meet up with a friend. we talk a bit. she is clearly upset. i ask her whats wrong. she confesses to me that on her twelfth birthday, a few days before, her ex best friend groped her without her consent. i reassure her, and notice the new and old cuts and scars on her thighs. we discuss how statistically, one person in our year probably wont make it to the end of school.

late 2018, about august, i realised 2 things. 1, i wasnt a girl. i had been questioning for a while, but that was when i really realised i wasnt. i cut my hair short, tested pronouns and names. 2, my relationship with my parents was not good, or normal. i barely talked to them. i saw my dad maybe an hour a day, and when i interacted with my mother she would do something harmful. say something transphobic, call me autistic (bear in mind i do not feel i am autistic and i have not been diagnosed), whatever. i had been basically fending for myself since year 4, and saw my mother as closer to a sister due to her responsibility issues and tendency to get very drunk and yell.

new school year starts. im doing ok. i lose a couple of friends, gain a couple, officially come out to my friends, try to come out to my mother but she dismisses it, its chill. i go to my 4th therapist. hes the best ive had so far.

february 2019. i start self harming again. i make about 30 cuts in 7 days. i force myself to stop, and enter a phase in which i am so numb that i cant remember most of february and march. i come out to my family and buy a binder.

april 4th. thursday. 12:06pm. i am 13 and 5 months old. i have recorded messages to my friends and i remember the statistic that at least one person in my year wont make it through school. i take 16 500mg ibuprofen pills in the hope that itll make it stop. it doesnt. i go back to camhs. my emergency counsellor hears what i say about my anxiety, depressive tendencies, dysphoria, insecurities, tendency to believe that i dont have enough issues.

she phones my mother and says that i may be autistic and that i communicate like it. i remember why i wanted to kill myself. i cut some more. deeper, but still on the back of my arms. im too much of a coward to cut anywhere else.

its early may. i hate myself. i want to kill myself sometimes. i hold a strong dislike for my mother and therapy, and i feel nothing the majority of the time. i stay alive for music and to not hurt my friends. i have a lot of scars on my left arm.

[mytraveljournal2016]

April 5th/19 12:23 am

Alrighty so, to summarize what happened last Saturday night, Trevor arrived in Montreal around 4/4:30 and then we checked into the hotel (jakub was there) and then basically we like... idk we chilled and drank a bit then went to eat some smoked meat, then went from bar to bar and then came home, then I went to the bathroom of the hotel and came back and yacob was gone - in trevor's car apparently lol. So then me and Travis got to have amazing sex and then we basically went to bed lol. I worked at 8 the next morning, and Trevor and yacob went to eat at my sister's restaurant before going back home. But... something changed. He changed. Something happened between the time I decided to stop contacting him first and the time he picked me up.... I don't know what the fuck it was. But anyways he sounded like, more serious. Here are the things that led me to believe something changed: - he was smiling when we were kissing (like huge smile) and I was like woah youre smILING ARENT YA and he was like well yeah I'm just so happy to be here - we were out drining and I was like you always do everything last minute how do you think I can MANAGE THAT and he was like oh you can handle it, I've been testing you. And I was like UM well you're gonna have to meet me half way here cause I've been doing all the adaptations and changes. (don't remember what was said after that) - We were kissing on the bed and I we were tipsy and I was like ouuuh you like me ! (or something) And then we said other things then I was like I'm done with the grey zone, I'm not doing it anymore. And he was like I know. I said you understand? And he said believe me, it's the whole reason I'm here. I asked what changed and what made him decide that and all he answered (quickly) was "time". - he said multiple times that he's gonna miss me when he leaves (or when I leave for work, rather) - right after I left he sent me a snap saying he misses me already (I guess that's normal though lol) - I think he called me babe/baby but I'm not sure - In the morning while cuddling he was like yeah I reallly like you... I just might keep you. If that's okay with you.** That was a big one (I honestly don't remember what I answered) - When I told him I want a car by april of next year he said he could help me ot to pay parking tickets (whaaaat) - On Monday I was at work and he called my cell. I asked if it was an emergency and he said no it's just to say hi. Well well well then. He's calling me to say hi now. - Then he texted me right after saying he misses me already and he's thinking of me. - I said "another 15 hour day" on snapchat and he answered "good luck bb!" - He texted me saying "Michelle, I have some great news :)" So I called him and turns out he can visit me not tomorrow (tomorrow is friday) but next weekend! But I don't know how I feel about it and I got overwhelmed all of a sudden and cried for like 10 seconds lol cause I was too busy with school work etc. So I told him I would let him know if it's a good idea for him to come. That's it for now. Oh but I downloaded Tinder. He never explicitly told me that he wants me to be his girlfriend. The last explicite things he said was that he's not ready for a relationship and that I should look on the bright side of it: that I can do whatever I want. So, I'm going to do that. And if he asks, he cant get mad cause it's literally what he said. Thing is though... the one tinder guy is super cute and FUNNY. he's the worst singer lmao. i kind of want to meet him! Not sure though. I'm going to be pretty freaken busy. idk. And Travis wants to come this weekend but like fuck that's gonna take two days out of my study time. Whereas if I meet Keven is close and it would only take an evening. Fuck idk what to do really. I really have to go to bed though cause it's 1:36am. Goooodnight! mouah xo

[3one3]

I'm so so so confused right now. Let me get this straight, your crush now seems to be mutual? Like he's asking you out now?! How'd this all come about?!

No one is more confused than me. This has turned into an inexplicable situation. Get a cup of tea or a glass or water, and maybe a snack, and find a comfortable position because this is a long story.

I was over there yesterday for my usual Saturday morning chill time. The other guy who works there (we’ll call him The Babysitter), who I talk to all the time, came up to me about an hour after I got there and said “[the crush] (we’ll call him The Pacifier, because he’s basically a child) wants to know if you want to come with us to the casino tonight” and I was so taken aback that I just said “Why?” I also turned 12 shades of tomato and made skeptical faces. The Babysitter then called The Pacifier over and made him ask me himself. There were some other people there too. Other guys that work there, one of which is related to The Pacifier, and were presumably going on this outing as well. It was weird because it was like everyone was gathered to watch, and I really wished I had been spying on them in the moments beforehand because you know, body language. And so The Babysitter is like “She asked why, so tell her why,” but I got no explanation. Just details. I assume he was trying to get him to say explicitly that he wanted to hang out with me, but I dunno. The Pacifier asked if I wanted to go and said they were leaving at 11 because one of them was working until then, and I could tell he felt super awkward about it, but he always sounds super awkward when he talks to me. There was some back and forth between him and The Babysitter about it being so late. I said sure, I’ll go. Then everyone went about their business. I freaked out inside because lol how did this happen? And I was trying to stop being bright red, and trying not to hurry to grab my phone and tell the two people (plus you guys) who know about the crush situation. A little while later, The Pacifier brought me a new cappuccino for no apparent reason and took away the first one. I thought, aww. I hang out a while longer to watch the tennis and stuff, and when I left I told The Babysitter to text me about later, because he has my number.

Now, let me back up a tiny bit. I think The Babysitter has known for a while that I have a small thing for The Pacifier. A few weeks ago I asked him if my number was still in his phone and if he’d know it was from me if I texted him later. We hadn’t texted in like a year. And he got all excited because he’s always hitting on me and trying to get me to go out drinking with him and I’m always “lol never”. And I said to him “chill out, it has nothing to do with you”. Then I left. My intention was to maybe ask him a question about The Pacifier, but I didn’t even know what the question was going to be, and I pretty much decided against it soon anyway. The only reason I considered it was that it might get my interest on The Pacifier’s radar if I leaked it to The Babysitter. 

A while later I went to the grocery store across the street and The Babysitter was standing outside the restaurant waiting for his ride when I was finished shopping. He shouted to me across the street. He’d been calling me for a few mins but I don’t have service in the store. I was like ugh great. Naturally he hurried over when I crossed the street and wanted to know what I was going to text him about. I said I was going to ask him a question about someone but never mind, forget it, it doesn’t matter, I can’t because you’d make fun of me forever. He texted me after a bunch of times trying to get me to ask the question. I said nope. 

Then I went in for lunch on Tuesday because I was off for the holiday and had nothing to do. I knew only The Babysitter works that shift. He makes shitty cappuccinos lol so I had iced coffee. When I was getting ready to leave, he asked me if I wanted another iced coffee and I was like “No, I want a delicious cappuccino. I miss The Pacifier. What does he do when he’s not here?” and he said “I don’t know. Do you want his number? You can ask him”. And I obviously giggled and deflected and said “no, that would be weird”. Also I sensed maybe a hint of frustration from him. Oh also a few days before that I casually asked him how old The Pacifier is, but he was hardly paying attention anyway. And one time a while ago I said something like “Pfft, you think I come here for you? I come here for The Pacifier and his beautiful eyes and delicious cappuccinos”. The next time I was there he deliberately embarrassed me by telling The Pacifier I said it tastes better when I he makes it. Anyway.

Back to last night. I text The Babysitter around 8 30, “what’s the plan?” He writes back, “[The Pacifier] says next time, he’s too tired”. I had been legit reeling all day because reasons, so I was actually kind of like phew. And I told him “good lol I don’t want to get out of bed”. I’d been trying to nap because I would have died if we went out at 11. Then I realized that I didn’t want to play games and try to be too cool for school. So I added a clarification that that means “oh. 😔” in girl-speak. The Babysitter apologized and blamed The Pacifier. Hours later he starts texting me like where are you, what are you doing, do you want to go get beers, I want to be the mosquitos that are eating you, and a bunch of other ew. As usual, my response was “never happening”. And I asked him repeatedly if The Pacifier actually wanted to invite me out or if it was really just him who wanted me to go and he knew I would say no if he asked but I would probably say yes to The Pacifier. He acted like he didn’t understand the question. And he sounded drunk anyway. And his English isn’t 100%. 

Fast forward to this morning. I head over after F1 to have my coffee and read shit on my phone and whatever. As soon as I sit down, The Babysitter greets me and I think straight away jumps in with excuses for The Pacifier, telling me what time he left work and everything. I was like whatever I don’t care. In reality I was a little disappointed but it was fine. I really didn’t want to spend money going out anyway, and the place is hard to get to/from, so I had been dreading the logistics. But I expected a casual apology from The Pacifier when he brings my coffee. He always makes it for me when I walk in. I don’t even have to ask. Today, The Babysitter had to tell him a bunch of times to make it, and eventually he makes my special coffee and then GIVES IT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO BRING TO ME, so I’m like ugh this is bad. He’s probably so embarrassed. 

But then he went out of his way to pretend I wasn’t even there. He took detours to other parts of the restaurant and literally hid somewhere instead of hanging out behind the bar. When he had to walk behind me, he speed-walked. If my head was even slightly turned in the direction he was coming from, he looked the other way while he walked by. I WAS MORTIFIED. Did he never want me to go in the first place and now he’s like ugh god why is she here what do I do? Is he not even a decent enough person to apologize for canceling, regardless of the circumstances? He’s really young, and he really is shy, so I was like errr maybe  he’s just terrified of me? I don’t know. People say I’m intimidating. And I legitimately never show him any sign that I have this raging crush on him. But I’m also kind of hurt. And mad. And confused. 

I also didn’t sleep last night. At all. Sometimes I get this crazy level 9000 racing thoughts thing and it’s like torture and I cant sleep. So I was cranky and exhausted, which means melodrama inside. I was trying so hard not to outwardly emote the confusion, anger, hurt, etc. because come on, I’m not even supposed to care. I have a wonderful bf. The Pacifier is just weekend morning entertainment. The Babysitter even comes over and tells me not to be sad, and I’m like I’M NOT SAD I’M TIRED OK? 

Then everything gets worse because I see this little dark silver haired lady with a cane walk by and it reminds me of my mom and I miss my mom every day and I’m like on the verge of tears because of my mom but I’m thinking about how everyone in the fucking place is going to think I’m crying over the stupid child who makes me coffee and stood me up for a group hang. I even texted my bff and explained the emergency situation and asked her to send me pics of cute ponies, STAT. She didn’t get the message right away. Instead, I watched this ESPN show about a little boy in london with a horrifying muscular disorder who found a best buddy in an Anatolian shepherd that was TIED TO GODDAMN TRAIN TRACKS AND HIT BY A TRAIN. He lost a hind leg and his tail. They’re best bros now. I got over myself. 

And then out of nowhere, The Pacifier delivers to me a new cappuccino (the first one was way below his usual standard btw, like he was nervous when he made it or something, and I hadn’t even come close to finishing it) and smiles and says “here you go, Ashley” like everything is totally normal. When I saw him coming I was like oh crap how do I behave? Should I give him the cold shoulder? Laugh and ask him what happened last night? Make a joke about him ignoring me, or being too chicken to bring the first one? I didn’t have time to make a well thought out decision. I just smiled awkwardly and said thank you. I’m pretty sure I looked as mortified as I felt. But then I did feel slightly better I guess.

Time passes. The Babysitter comes over to refill my water and he said he liked my nails, and then asked if they’re called nails. I don’t know, man. His English isn’t THAT bad. Then he’s like, “Can I come home with you and you can teach me better English?” and I laugh and say “there is only one person there invited home with me and you know who it is”, and he straight up says back “yeah but he doesn’t want to, so why not give me a chance?” and I straight up wanted to die. I don’t even know if that was a throw away comment or if he was really saying The Pacifier has no interest whatsoever. If it’s the latter, what the hell was that whole thing about yesterday? I’M SO CONFUSED. I don’t get any of it. I texted The Babysitter after I left- “Why did you make him go through that whole charade yesterday?”- and he hasn’t responded. Usually he does. Usually he never misses an opportunity to send me gross messages back. 

Theory #1: Did he realize I have a lame crush on The Pacifier and think it would make me happy if he invited me to hang out? If he did, what did he think was going to happen when it was clear that The Pacifier didn’t actually want to invite me or have anything to do with me????? How was that going to play out? Did he just assume I would have said no? 

Theory #2: Did he realize I have a lame crush on The Pacifier and, knowing how shy he is, want to help him get some ass, and talked him into inviting me out? But The Pacifier didn’t really want to and didn’t want any help but gave in because peer pressure? Honestly I can’t imagine he truly struggles for female attention. He is physically attractive, polite, sweet, and perfectly charming to literally everyone but me. 

Theory #3: The Babysitter wanted me to go and knew I would only say yes to The Pacifier. Honestly this seems unlikely because it makes no logistical sense. Even when The Pacifier was out of the plans, he could have suggested the rest of us go if that was his motivation all along. 

Theory #4: It’s a little of everything and there is no consistent motivational pattern in anything The Babysitter did, and by seeing everything through his lens and looking at what he’s doing, I’m just confusing myself. Is he like Donald Trump and just has no consistent strategy? Did he want to help The Pacifier out, help me out, and then also let his own interest get involved at times during this saga? Was he just mis-communicating stuff because he’s an idiot?

I don’t know anything, and I want to know everything. Especially about the last part of today. I want to know if he said “he doesn’t want to” because A) The Pacifier actually said that, B) he assumes it’s true because The Pacifier didn’t follow through last night, C) he was just saying it to help himself, or D) he had no real reason to say it at all and it was totally a throwaway comment. 

Auxiliary Theory: The Pacifier actually is interested and really is just super shy and really did just want to go home after work last night and really did feel bad and awkward today and chickened out for a while. Naturally I think this is the least likely scenario, but also the one I most want to be true. 😐 Would everything have been better/more clear if *I* had just not been a chicken, and opened my mouth, and asked The Pacifier what was up? 

I don’t know, but I’m exhausted.

POST SCRIPT: I GOT MY ANSWER/S. Totally by accident.

My phone doesn’t work in my apartment. Anything wifi does obvi but I can’t take calls. No network coverage. So I wander around outside. I’d been wandering on a business call for over an hour, not paying attention to anything around me. As I walk by the front entrance to zee restaurant, chatting away, guess who walks out. Yep. It was The Pacifier. I didn’t notice until the point where it would have been awkward if I turned around and said heyyyy so I kept walking but sort of lingered not far away, and then I turned around to start wandering back, and caught his eye, and we waved cordially. I did more talking, but stayed beyond where he sat down to eat his takeaway and wait for his ride or something, so that I’d have reason to walk by him again. I finished my call and put on my figurative big girl pants and went right over to sit next to him and get my fucking answer. It went like this.

313: “Heyyyy”

TP: “Hey!” *he didn’t seem alarmed and I was thus reassured*

“What’s up?”

“How are you?”

“I’m good. So, I have to ask you an awkward question.” I maintained my friendliest smile, I hope. He maintained his uncomfortable awkward one.

“Okay.”

“Did [The Babysitter] make you invite me to go out yesterday?” I said it kind of knowingly, and smiling, and while maintaining eye contact. He started to say something, but then said…

“Wait, say it again?”

“Did [The Babysitter] make you ask me to go to the casino or whatever you were doing?”

“He’s always doing that. He always tries. You know, all the girls. He enjoys it.” *more laughing and discomfort* The point being that The Babysitter is always harassing The Pacifier to ask girls out. I should have asked how many times he’s actually listened to him and done it. Anyway. 

“Yeah, I know. He’s a pain in the ass.”

“Yeah.” I think he kind of relaxed when he realized I wasn’t mad or about to cry or something.

“Okay, I’ll leave you be! Have a good night.”

“Good night!”

/scene

I feel much better now. Though I wish I had been like well if you ever DO *want* to hang out with me, I would like to hang out with you 😊 and I love casinos. Or something. Buuuut I didn’t. I also could have told him that he has beautiful eyes and a lovely smile and that I would like him to cast his beautiful eyes my way and be the reason he smiles, and make *him* coffee sometime. But I’m not Julia Roberts, or suicidal. Also, I have developed this burning desire to make him pancakes. I don’t even know if he likes pancakes. I should have asked him if he actually did want me to go out with them, but that woulda been weird, right? I also felt bad ambushing him on the sidewalk while he was eating. 

From now on, NO MORE BABYSITTER.  

[bjornartesttest]

Februar, 2017

Its about one year since my last post, so I will start this of with a little sum-up about whats been going on in my life since march last year. 

In my last post I left it of stating that I was going to chill with the boys, and focus on work. I guess I didnt completely manage to ive up to that. Having that said, Ive been more true to my self then I have in the past at least. The bouS:

Max: 

We met a few times on dates, we had a one-night stand and we also went for a walk. I was always a bit scared to get to into him, as it was clear hw wanted to get out of Norway and see the world. And thats what he did He moved to Germany this fall, I think he is haveing a good time there. Good for him!

Pål:

Me and Pål are still friends, though there is something about our chemistry that always ends up with flirting. I think he is still into me. I have a tendency to always reject him in a nice way. He respects it though, and I dont think I am taking advantage of him. I met him last night on his birthday, wich was nice. I dod make sure to go home before I got too drunk though.. We also meet every second month or so though a dinner club we have started with common good freind Siri. Very nice. 

Steffen:

We were supposed to meet up again and have some fun a few weeks ago, but hew then all of a sudden had started to date his old summer fling and called it of. Not very suprsing I must say. Speaking of, it might also have something to do with the fact that I dated his ex boyfriend this summer. I found out about it on the last date I had with the guy (whom I cant remember the name of anymore). A very handsome architect in his late 30s. It was sort of a turn-of for us both that we had been with the same guy though I think. More about that later

Other boys:

Marius:

Marous I met around May/June last year. Hes a 36 year old nurse, wirking with HIV at Olafia clinic in Oslo. Marius is in many ways a bit like me. POsitive, firendly, medium self confidence, creative, a bit weird, tall. We were a really good match, and had some very nice dating time before the summer hoilday. For some reason though, It felt like we were a bit to simlar. Not enough friction. So- after my summer holiday when he was away, I was out dancing one night - wich leves me to Ingemar. The guy who made me understand I should not be with Marius anymore (aka I dumped him 3 weeks after I met ingmar).

Ingemar:

24 year old guy. Crazy, handsome, cute, smart and a handfull... We met at the dancefloor and then spent every nihght together for a week. Very intence, and also at the point when I was not done with Marius yet. He was ony on town for a week before he went to exchange studioes at a Architecture aschool in france. We kept in touch during fall and talked a lot on the phone. He met the fwall and kept me in the loop on his journey, wich made our connectionquote special. Somehow I really started to care for him. Whn he came home around chrsitmas, I think we were both wondering about what our connection was really about. I did not really feel a “in love” connection anymore, but I think I tried to lie to myself and try to convince myself that I did. Maybe he did the smae. We met once before xmas, and then we talked and texted thoughtout the holidays about our lives. Very deep - kind of to ddep maybe? I invited him over in the beginning of december, and it kind of felt a bit forced and unromatic. At the same time, we totally opepend up so I know alot about him and vice versa. We ended up concluding with that we are better of as friends. I think thats a good thing, and it will be interesting to see how our connection will continue. Will the freindship thing come natural, or will it still be weird once in a while? Time will show. Im not 100% sure myself about how much it makes sence to be in touch...

Germain:

Me and Germain met a year ago. At that time I had decided to have a boy break, so I dodnt follow up. This fall I saw hime on Gaysir, and invited him out for a date. Hes a super cute, smart mexican 28 year old boy. Very passionate about his studies, hobbies and work, and a stable soul. I like many sides of his. Having that said, we have not met in over a month, so I am not really sure where it is going. He texts me, and want h´to hear how I am doing, but he also never have toime to meet up because of his tight schedule. I have a tight schedule, but I still manage to prioritize. Before xmas, we met maybe 5 times. Nice trios, dates, kissin, food. The last night when we were suposed to have sex was though a bit awkward. We could not go though w it, as he told me he just found out he had an STD in his throat. Aka not even kissing. Anyways, to be honest - I am not really quite sure what to di with him. Its like he is the only one I am currently “in touch” with, but if its not leading anywhere - is it perhaps better to just close the case? If I dont hear from him in a week, I am out. 

So . that was my last year with boys. A ot of very interesting boys, but nothing that really hit the right note it seems. Ive been frustrated lately, as it feels like Ive allready met all the good boys in the city, and Im getting anxous out and about as there are so many old flames anywhere I go. Fuck budies, dates, Grid faces... urgh... So - right now I am on a gay break. No applications, no onlune profiles. I even deleted my 10 year old gaysir profile...

It actually feels quite refreshing. I really needed a littel mental break, something I think is really good for me. I will try to keep it up for the next 4 weeks, before I start opening up again. I still have some fuck buddies though, wich helps. Ive meet them both now for quite some time, so it feels safe and nice. Before I started this “off face”, I was very out there. I dont think Ive ever had as much sex in my life as ive had the last 12 months. Because of this, I applied to get PREP in december. Something I ironcly got one week before I deleted my profiles. Its been great to have sex without a condom with my normal partners though. For the past month Ive taken a pill every day, but I will stop doing that and focus it around planned meetings after my next doctors appointment.

So - sum up about boys:

I met a lot of great guys, and now I feel exhausted and a bit drained and frustrated. I have forgotten how it felt to be in a realtionship and beeing cudeled every night. Definelty in a veryindepenent phase somehow. Im k´going to keep it like that for a little bit longer.

Other in life, its been a eventful year. I bought my own appartment, a lovely small place in gamlebyen. Ive spent all of my money and a lot of my time fixing it up and getting it into shape. I am quite happy with it :-)

Also, Ive had a bit of a hard year workwise. Two of my biggest projects ever did not go how I watd them to. I did not manage to stir them the way I wanted, and as a result I crashed a bit last fall mentally. I lost a lot of confidence, and started questioning everything. I dont fell like talking to much a out it, as Ive allready processed it quite well, but what that is worth mentioning though is that it made me think about a lot of things I have not thoght about in a long itme. Such as future goals, dreams, expectations to myself and what that really matters in life. 

I am writing this post now partly because I dont want myself to forget the journey I started, and what fruites I have gotten so far. What do I need to do to keep this up?

Basically, I felt frustrated and asked myself what I could do to get more focused, inspired etc. I decided to talk with a school, AHO, and their MA course in service design. I have been thinking about maybe applying there this coming fall. I also talked with one of my bosses to see if I somehow could learn and work with the same things at the office - and school myself there. To be honest - I started up very good - but have not been good at follwing up. I will keep this in mind on my “goals list” in the end of this post. 

Ive started working as a voluntair at Sjekkpungt, something thta has been very intersting so far. My role is to test people for HIV. So far Ive only been and the workshops, but in a months time, I will start testing people myself. Looking forward to that. 

Ive gotten active in Grafill, and their graphic design group. So far its been really fun. I might take of the the spot as lader of the group ina months time, wich is great. I would love to be more active with those kind of issues. 

Work has btw been quite nice now after XMAS. Ive finished all my projects in time, and delivered fairly well on all of them I think. 

Ive also managed to get two freelance gigs. One for Stanavger Kunssenter, and one for Tableau. I really enjoy working on them both, now I just need to do them!

Other then that, Ive been hitting the gym A LOT lately, and I am slowly starting to get results. Body feels more toned, and I am starting to get quite comfertable with how I look. I will do what I can to keep it up!

SO - to do list:

- Stay of apps for anohter few weeks

- Give Germain one week to make up his mind, then be straight forward and move on.

- Keep up the gym - six pack by april (text PT)

- Have FUN with freelance work. Focus hard the next few days. Finish webshop, email Katrin, make “shop” logo.

- Start developing the Geology project - Morteza? Karoline?

- Applyi for AHO!!

- Start thinking about potential moves next fall.. Copenhagen? AHO? Other opertunities?

- FInd out how to do more teaching. Who to talk with?

- Read service design books

- Visit Silje

- Eat soup

- Russia

- pay down Mastercard by MAY