#we're literally moving in less than a month lmao

[i-restuff]

lil vent. nothing too serious,

mhmh, I'm at that phase where I'm not satisfied with everything I do right now

I'm a workaholic and a perfectionist, while also having untreated adhd, avpd, depression that's been going on for a long time now. it's hard to manage things, especially with myself. it's very unhealthy.

I generally never like myself besides my ability to draw cute funky things. instead of just making it as a hobby, I became attached to the logic where I can't live without drawing. I never really see bad things about it though, but some people did mention how it affects me mentally.

I also love being online. I don't think I'm addicted? but more so depending on it (idk if that makes sense lmao). basically, I just like the idea of people having an interest in me and/or my drawings. I don't think I have anyone who would willing to take a glance at me irl, not that I don't have friends, most people in my life are just not emotionally open with each other. it's an icky situation pfff.

so anyway, lately, my perfectionism has been kicking me left and right which become more annoying and less fun for me to draw. I have so much stuff that I wish I could doodle, but at the same time, It'll drain me. I also feel like I act like a desperate person just to get some interactions online, while it really is just loneliness. avpd does that to you lkdjjkdasl.

I have a history of being cooped out inside, alone; no friends no family, in a different new city for around 6 months. it was still covid time, and I was only able to go outside less than 10 times. it's kinda traumatizing?

sighhh idk, I'm rambling. my break is literally just "being online". I don't have time to go outside, let alone friends to hang out with. we're living in different cities and I just moved out while currently also unemployed. my last resort would be my acquaintances. but we're all so different, so it's hard to adjust.

my current situation wasn't as bad as that one, but it triggers me in some way. so hhhhhhhhhhhhh

Idk what I'm talking about anymore, BUT, all these ramblings are really just me venting about whether I should take an online break or not. I feel like, both are just as torturing lmao.

wish me luck ig. I'm going to have interviews and presentations in the next few days, at least that could distract me.

forgive me for my long and confusing vent. I can't afford professional help, so tumblr it is <3 (no need to reply though, no pressure. I just need a place to write.)

[acourtofthought]

E/riels are so funny when they claim Azriel is madly in love with Elain when you consider how he looks at Mor vs how he looks at Elain (not including Gwyn in this as they are just friendly atm).

When he looks at Mor, there’s always something- hunger, longing, yearning, etc. He literally cannot or doesn’t want to control his expressions around her.

When he looks at Elain, it’s bland and neutral (actual words used in the books to describe his smiles and looks toward Elain). But I’m sure it’s because he’s so overcome with love that he can’t even bring himself to show it on his face lmao

I also don’t know how people are ignoring Azriel looking at Mor with yearning in ACOFAS when Elain was in the room. No way Elain hasn’t noticed. It’s one thing to believe E/riel is endgame, it’s another to try to force everyone to believe they’re in love when we know that’s not true.

And that is the issue with the E/riel ship in a nutshell. A male love interest having feelings for two females at the same time is the least romantic romance book setup around. I'm going to write this next part coming from the perspective that the target audience of these books are female readers who realize that they'll be getting a F/M endgame pairing in each story. That's not to say Sarah won't ever explore F/F or M/M main POVs in the future but I think it's clear who her typical pairings are. I've seen authors write a female struggling between two male love interests and that's less of an issue. A women feeling desired by two men and trying to decide who she wants is something females are comfortable reading because they are ok with themselves being in that kind of story. But a female reader reading a story where the guy is struggling with his feelings for two girls? I don't know many who are really going to enjoy that. Not many females (since again, that's usually the target audience for traditional F/M romance books), want to feel as if the main heroine is in competition for the guys affections. They want her to be the one the MMC is smitten over, where there is no one else that can compare. They don't want the guy to be thinking, "well, either of these ladies would do." E/riels claim there is canon evidence of Az's feelings for Elain in ACOWAR and ACOFAS, and while I still disagree with that, there is CLEARLY canon evidence of Az's feelings for Mor at the exact same time. And it's only after Mor's repeated rejection of Az (snatching her hand away from him, sleeping with other men, etc), that he finally starts to come around to the realization that he may never have her. But he STILL blushes at her in the novella, he STILL looks at her with yearning in the novella even though he had spent time around Elain by then. Taking her to her seeds, sitting on the patio, family dinners, etc. He had time to watch her interact with the twins, with her sisters, etc. He had time to study Elain, interact with her. Yet his love for Mor still lingered. That's not at all romantic to me, And even when he spent an entire year staring at her headache powder, he still expresses jealousy over Mor, he still can't admit to being over Mor. He has never had feelings for Elain (whatever they are) without also having feelings for Mor and to me that reads as if Elain has never been the clear winner for his love, she's always been in competition with Mor and it's more by default that he decided to focus on her rather than being who he actually wants. Honestly, the Gwynriel setup even sucks a little bit because I don't like that Gwyn has now entered the picture yet he's still lusting after both Mor and Elain and I don't find that romantic for Gwynriel either. But at least with Gwyn, we're not sitting here being told he has "feelings" for (of lust or love) while he also has feelings for someone else.

I'd rather him move beyond both Elain and Mor for good in the next book, have him accept being single for a few months and then start his romantic arc with Gwyn so that his feelings for her can stand alone.

[savage-rhi]

Hi hun, I haven't seen you around much and I know things have been super rough lately but I hope you're doing ok ✨

@vodkafolie Hey, hon 💙 Lot's been happening over here in my neck of the woods (literally, lmao). I'm gonna info dump.

I've been doing odd jobs to keep me afloat.

I got selected for another mental health program. The person running it is a well-known psychologist. I applied for this back in late December. Didn't think I'd get in since there were 1800+ candidates going for it, and I'm 1 out of 32 that made the cut. If the sample group of clients I get for the next 8 weeks goes smooth, I'll have a full-time remote job by Summer. I'm not putting my eggs all in one basket, though. I'm still looking for regular work.

The business proposal with the mental health app picked back up. We are supposed to meet sometime next week to discuss further if we're gonna move forward and what the partnership might look like.

I'm speed running through one of my graduate classes and going at a snails pace in the other. The technical jargon is burning me out, but my grades are good.

My college advisor and profs want me to attend summer term for the program, but alas *opens wallet and watches moth fly out* I've been going back and forth with them on how unless they're gonna cover for me, I can't do it until I have stable employment.

I'm meeting a long covid specialist. My secondary PCP discovered I may have undiagnosed POTS, and this fungal blood infection I had in my body last Summer (late August, early September) might be making a comeback. Some symptoms have returned. I'm not surprised. That's how I got it in the first place last year cause of immunity issues post-covid. I had to go on a strict diet for almost 3 months, take some nasty as shit medication, and I lost over 50 pounds. Hindsight, the weight loss was good for me, but if I have to do that again I'm gonna be bones by the end of it this time around.

With all the parasites, fungus's and other nasty shit I've caught and lived through, I'm either gonna be super human immune to everything and my blood will be the universal cure for all horrible shit, or one day I'm gonna be patient zero for something god awful. I've made peace with either option 😂

I got a vendor spot at a convention that's happening in less than a week. I've been prepping for that and hoping I make some money.

I'm taking a break on some of my long fics and writing requests, bbbuuuuttttttt...I also had a batshit crazy idea for a Luis Serra fic, and I'm balls deep invested. It's the only thing keeping me from a full writers block right now.

It's been...a lot, but oddly enough I'm happier than I was. I'm worn out, tired, and still stressed about money, but I'm not depressed like I was. Things are getting better in some ways. I'm trying to self-care the best I can, and reign in the ambition so my body has a chance to recoup.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk 💙🫂😂 I hope you've been doing well hon! I've been re-reading some of your work as of late too. It's been fun for me!

[ahiddenpath]

Life Chatter

Talkin' about life beneath the cut.

It feels like there's a lot going on? I'm not sure where to start.

Heath

My husband had a minor health scare, and when we called our primary... Ah, turns out they were bought sometime since we last went, and we are no longer patients. But don't worry, we can see you in late April for your chest pains!

He went to an urgent care place, where they found that he has high blood pressure. They put him on a month of medication until he can see his new primary. We have a million doctor's appointment in March, both of us to start a new primary relationship somewhere else (it's rated a lot better than the old place anyway, to be honest), and some additional specialized appointments for my husband. About a week later, he is already in the high end of a healthy blood pressure, so please don't worry.

To be frank, we haven't properly cared for our health since before the pandemic. I mentioned to my husband, "I got blood work like... Before the pandemic? Three years ago?" And he was gently like, "Love, that was five years ago."

I always thought I understood what we lost to the pandemic, more or less. But the way time has smeared, five years becoming three in my head, all that lost medical care because I thought going to where sick people congregated was worse than not going, and then losing the habit of seeking annual care...

It's definitely past time to reclaim those habits. Routine preventative care, diet, and exercise. Honestly, we're not guaranteed timely medical care at all in the USA (we'll see you in two months for your chest pain), let alone affordable care. The onus is on me to have healthy habits and lose the weight I gained since the pandemic.

So, that's what I've been doing for the last week and a half. Eating healthier food and exercising. I want to say that I'm energized and feeling great, but uhhh.

I'm fucking exhausted. I have been passing out on my sofa at 9 PM.

Work

We moved our lab at work. It's wonderful, because I was a lab hobo for a year who um. When we hired more people than we had benches, we changed to, "No one has their own bench, it's hot seating." Except everyone who worked there before me had their stuff set up; that was their bench, and if I was working there when they entered, they looked at me like, "Wtf are you doing." It was extremely othering, having to apologize for doing your work in someone else's spot, knowing you could be asked to move any time.

I have my own bench, at least for now. The issue is that our lab is on the fifth floor on the opposite end of our huge ass, rectangular building. Our office sitting area is on floor two on the other end of the rectangle. I've been clocking 8,000 to 10,500 steps per day, and up to 78 minutes of elevated heart activity (ie, exercise minutes), just from... Existing at work. It was probably a bad time to combine this with exercise and calorie reduction, lmao! I didn't realize how much more exercise I would get at work.

On one hand, I get paid to be healthier at work. Cool. On the other, I do wonder- How would I get through my day if I were pregnant or injured? Those days when you feel a little off, but not actually ill, are going to be a lot harder now.

In happy news, I got my rewards letter for 2023, and um. My bonus? It's literally 8x my annual bonus at my last company. I would have had to work for 8 years and be awarded 8 times to get this money that I am receiving after 1 year here (well- I guess it's always 1.25 years, since you receive benefits at the end of Q1 the following year, but for some reason, every company I've worked at has done the same).

So like... Work hard, be paid hard is certainly better than work hard, be paid poorly/okay-ly. I do see that. But I am kind of laughing at how it comes at a time when work suddenly has a forced exercise element, lol! And a colleague the other day turned to me and said, "You know, fifteen years ago, I never would have dreamed of companies hiring beyond their space. Like, people not having a desk or a bench, or your sitting area being so far from your work area. What are we doing? What are we accepting, as workers?"

And I was like, "YEAH FUNNY STUFF, HUH."

Creating

I read a book for the first time in ages. I currently have four more book requests in at my local library. I've been trying to get back into reading, which was so vital for me all my life.

To be honest, as more pressures rise against fandom creators as people and AI steal their work and profit from it, I feel less inclined to share my work online. I have still been working on it, so if my mood shifts, the content will be there. But I'd say the pace of my work has decreased a lot.

The last thing I ever want to do is guilt anyone. But the risks of sharing our work online are greater than they've ever been, and the response to it from readers/viewers is lower than it's ever been, at least in my experience. I would really suggest that readers/viewers be as encouraging as possible if the content they are receiving is meaningful to them. I feel like so many of us are one more blow away from reducing/abandoning our online presence.

Mental Health

So I've been struggling lately with thinking- is this it? Is this my life? Work and be tired all the time? And I have the benefit of working and being tired all the time, but not having financial stress. It must be infinitely worse if you aren't making enough money on top of all that, which is true for a lot of Americans. Although if I were to have a kid, that financial stress would be born with the child...

Taking better care of myself does make me feel more like... Hm, a little more hopeful? Like I am planning for a tomorrow instead of watching the years ooze on? But it's also difficult and tiring, and energy was already low.

I am trying to plan some fun upcoming stuff with my husband. Little day outings and weekend getaway type things. The issue I think is that... Doing stuff truly seems worse since the pandemic? Paying so much more for so much less, going there and everything being so crowded that you can't get service or see anything, etc. I need to figure out ways to receive positive stimulation and have fun, without setting off my sensory issues or hemorrhaging money. Again, though, putting time and energy into that is not easy.

That's where I am now! I hope you're all hanging in there and maybe feeling a bit better as winter wanes and spring approaches. I love you and I'm hoping for the best for you <3

[paran0rmality]

So I went to a 'jazz concert' a month or two ago(Think a small group of community members that played typical jazz instruments, nothing big or fancy to be sure) and honestly, as someone who's not really a fan of jazz typically, it was ok. I mean that in the 'huh, that was better than I thought it would be' way, not because they played well, some of them didn't play very good at all, too pitchy and too loud, too out of tune or fast or slow, but they tried. And I think that's what made it a good experience, that that's what makes me think about it een now. Becaue despite not knowing or favoring teh songs tehy played (Except for Havana lmao), I still enjoyed the hour, And I think that's what matters, not that they played well, but that they got in front of a small gathering of streangers and played passionately and loudly and even if they were off key they still did it despite the anxiety most of them clearly had for playing that day. I think there's so much pressure to do great things the moment you go public with something, and I think that's a little unfair. You know how many years, if nor decades, it takes to master an instrument? Or spoken word? Or timing and pace and rhythm? It takes so long, and so so much effort. I htink we place too much weight in Perfection as a concept that a lot of us are unable to appreciate imperfection bc we're hung up on 'well it had flaws or mistakes', when that's literally teh point of existing, is to do so despite the mistakes and the problems and the 'oopsies'. Idk, I'm jsut kinda feeling a litttle sentimental tongith with my partenr in the hospital. I think that little concert has made me think a lot about my own learning and expectations tbh, There's less pressure to be perfect, becasue at least I'm trying, I'm still moving forward, be it in the flute(dizi and the metal whatever it's called lmao), or learning tiny bite size pieces of mandarin (which I will likely never actually learn how to speak or write, but that's ok), or my multitude of artistic endeavors. I'm still trying and growing with all of it, and that's the part that matters, even if it scare me, even if the public sees my mistakes, I'm still growing and learning and Doing the Thigns I Love.

[pasharuu]

my process of making a comic for public vk ask is precise: pick a question, get the general idea and make a silly doodle teasing it, brainstorm about that (i usually write it up so i wont forget everything in a second), compose and finally illustrate. so today i wanna show you one of the brainstorms. i usually write these up just along the way, noting everything that comes to my mind, and in russian of course, but this time i made it as clean as possible, and also as short as possible... these are sometimes super massive, especially if i get to theorizing (i usually do). its just a funny thing to share because i too think that my texts are very absurd fr. and also its a practice, i have english exam in less than a month. alright, lemme copy and paste it from my memos and pretend we're getting started.

=======

so there is an age old question lying in arana's askbox (literally september 2nd.. and its unanswered, luckily for me) that is basically about why arana ended up befriending rana, and the person specified how could she become so devoted solely to rana. when i saw that, i once again confirmed to myself how poorly people know the story of aranyaka, but im not mad about that at all, its rather an opportunity for me to tell a story! simply answering the question with a little of a correction would be too boring, so i decided that i will only use post-aranyaka arana as a talking head to make things more interesting. the key is that she had forgotten everything we learned during the questline, so with that she will only have to assume stuff. stories are a thing, of course, but a very different thing. so this is a setup that hopefully will make things more intriguing. with that said, let me try to solve a problem the asking person stated previously to debut myself.

first of all, i want to state why arana is not devoted solely to rana. she actually told us otherwise: she is basically a babysitter for all the children of vimara village, probably she's even been caring for generations of them considering how old she is. plus, rana is an adult and she cant see aranara, and so arana. arana still does watch over her, but she doesnt hang out with her anymore. with such a summation theres no way arana would be dedicated only to rana. we get to focus on rana because she is in trouble, and thats how things always go: when someone is ill, they need more care to get healthy again. arana is just committing a genuine help in a serious situation, just like she did with iotham by the way.

so the little misunderstanding is solved, now moving onto the difficult part. how will arana explain herself? of course i will not let rana speak majorly, best at all even. this is the difficulty, because rana is the one who remembers. arana still must be aware of being friends with rana and the children from the village in the past, but lets get into her perspective for a moment.

its a cool concept to have someone who barely knows the subject to talk about that subject: they will make mistakes, make assumptions, be unsure about their statements, etc. meanwhile everyone else are well aware about the subject, so they will notice all the inaccuracy. just let arana assume! let her make as many wrong statements as possible, but end up being sure about one thing: rana is still dear to her no matter what. perhaps she doesnt fully realize the value of this connection, but this is not important. despite aranara being largely focused on memories, arana lives the current moment, and that may be why she rejected on becoming vasara tree, to live freely and feel this current moment. i went kinda philosophical about this, but thats a necessary part. this is basically what i want to say with this, a moral of the story. sure thing the past may be dear to you, but you will never have an opportunity go back there, doomed to stay in the present. however, its up to you what you want this present to be, to make it a precious past one day.

lmao this is literally where i might end playing role of arana for making the most philosophically filled comic of all i ever made. only have to compose it well now, which is even harder than this brainstorming to me, so now i retreat and start making the idea alive, because all the previous steps are completed.

[ohhcalamxty]

hello. its been a while? 5 years actually. what a place this is! what a trip down memory lane of many emotions.

a quick tldr: im 25 now, im engaged and live with my amazing partner and 2 cats. i am ed free (for the most part - i still struggle to love my body sometimes), clean, and i am in therapy! a place i never would have thought id be.

i didnt think id come back here like. ever. but ive been having nightmares of sam recently. its odd isnt it, how the brain works? i havent seen sam in 7 years? since the 2nd june 2018 to be exact, and yet he haunts me. why?

this is an odd correlation but recently i got into taylor swift. her music has been wonderfully cathartic and whilst i never assumed id be one of those girls who screams breakup songs and curses them at my exes....here we are.

TTPD (and most of taylors sad songs) unhealed me, so to speak, or at least awoke something in me. i wouldn't ever proclaim i have had bad relationships. i am always grateful for the time myself and owen spent together, and i am extremely happy with josh (I'd say 2/4 of my relationships being good is pretty huge) but here I am screaming and crying over break up songs at the eras tour and tearing up in the shower because they resonate with a point in my life and put my feelings into words in a way I've never been able to do.

elliot was interesting but i try not to curse his name so much as we were 14 and maybe he didn't mean what he did because he didn't understand consent, or maybe i am naive and too nice - i guess we'll never know because he quite literally dropped off the face of the earth! (Also, minor shoutout for him delaying dumping me because my grandma died! i do appreciate that at least!)

sam however....oh where do I begin with sam!

"Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?"

I think I spent a lot of my teen years reflecting on sam, because well, he fucked me up so much. i mean how emotionally spent must I be to have nightmares of someone who I spent less than 12 months with at the age of 16, and then collided with again for a single night at the age of 19. Clearly we're fucked here.

I cannot find the words to describe you, and I'm unsure what i did to deserve a love like this. You had a girlfriend that you loved and were with for years, and then I (your close friend at the time) got dumped, and you make your move. We hang out a lot, cool, fine, nothing new as we were friends anyway. My mind is hazy on how it started or when we went from friends to whatever we were but it haunts me so much lmao.

The constant talks of i was the one, and that yes I will leave her for you. I fear nobody ever talks about being the other woman because its so odd - it isnt a flex, it isnt cool or sexy. it fucking sucks and it fucked me up but i liked sam so much i believed it. I mean picture this: you're 16, just lost your grandma, heavily depressed, self harming, riddled with an ed and have been dumped but low and behold your best friend tells you he loves you and plays with your hair and holds you. we go on dates and have sleepovers with friends (he still had a gf btw) hes fucked up too but he worries and cares about you more than anyone else, but at the cost of if you try to pull away he hurts himself, and threatens suicide (and believe me he'd do it) - stuck between a rock and a hard place aye.

"And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts - Memories feel like weapons"

Less than a year of back and forth, misery and stringing along. I can't remember how or why it ended but I know it took a lot of attempts of pulling away (and him pulling me back) to get away. A lot of bits are hazy but I can assume it must have been around the time when I met owen? There are old screenshots on here of sam talking to me and they make me feel unwell (not an exaggeration) - his words (even after it all ended) and how he tried to act like he cared makes me feel like a pit inside (even now). I do however find it funny that my posts from 2015 and 2016 about him claiming hes ruined my life don't seem that dramatic now that im 25 and having nightmares about him.

"Oh, God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind - I regret you all the time"

I think I would have been ok if this was it. I don't think I would be grieving my past self, my girlhood, my naivety if this was all - i very much had support through my other relationships to help the sam trauma which i do appreciate. But it doesnt end here does it? Nah thats too easy.

"Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"

2nd June 2018: Me and Josh had briefly split up. It was Karlies birthday and we went out in HTC (dire) and I guess because Hinckley is a tiny place and everyone goes to the same places we ran into a lot of people (some good some bad) - including Sam.

Ima be honest idk where he came from or who he was out with but there he was, buying me drinks, talking to me, I dont remember much but I can assume I was happy. I do however remember him leading me away, telling me we're heading to the next bar because that's where everyone else was going but we actually were heading in the complete opposite direction haha. god knows where we were going but on the walk we sat on a bench, i cried, i told him off, told him he ruined my life, he told me he'd missed me so much, he held me, i cried more, i hated him and then we just rinsed and repeated as he pootled me up castle street to wherever he was taking me. My friend rang me, I told them I was with sam, people came running (guess they all know hes bad news) and they (including josh, who was my ex at the time and ig technically hated me) beefed him until he left and that was that. I haven't seen him since - i still dont know where he was taking me or what his plan was. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didnt answer the phone, sometimes I wish I hadn't and that maybe I deserved whatever would happen. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, being dramatic, but the trauma of the emotions that 16 year old me feels is still there. It haunts me.

"Don't call me "kid", Don't call me "baby" Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me"

So here we are. I guess I'm bringing this up at therapy in a few weeks because these feelings won't disappear (and Honestly I'm not sure why they reappeared other than being repressed emotions). I wonder though, has this affected you as much as it as me? Do you feel bad about what you did? Are you suffering? Do you think about me? Do you feel bad that you had such control over me or did you enjoy it? Claiming you've lost sleep over me and that you want to protect and help me? Was any of it true I wonder.

"And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?"

I suppose I'll never know, but I can only hope that memories of me haunt you as much as they haunt me. I hope you get everything you deserve, and I hope I can heal. My skin is no longer the skin you touched, I no longer physically feel you, and I hope one day my memories of you will be hazy and faded, and I don't need to jump at ghosts anymore.

And my therapist wonders why I really dislike men huh.

[anendoandfriendo]

Fuckity Fuck.

Welp, we guess it's time to hunker down a little bit.

It sounds like we're good enough they're trying their damn best to keep us on this project but they've moved 50 or 60 folks to other projects already and everyone (literally everyone) who is still on this project is getting 8 hours of IGH every week.

So, like, we're updating our resume. We'd preferably just move up, and get a position that isn't taking calls, and stay with our current employer, but like, if anyone has listings we would need all of these:

Is work from home, preferably fully work from home

If it is hybrid work from home, we're going to need some compensation/assistance for being forced to move out of our currently-affordable apartment and if office jobs are anything like our brainbody's father then that will include like, 30 days of our chosen housing paid by the company including our pet cat lmao.

We're making $20USD per hour right now, if it's a wage where we can't make it by ourselves and save up $1000USD-ish a month in whatever city it's in we don't want it. Pay us a living wage, fuckface.

Completely and unconditionally accepting of endogenic plural systems (<- by far the hardest one to find, not-shockingly for anyone who's ever tried to be openly a system, but if they're doing this they're probably also chill with queer people. Like. FFS. This is the Big One and the reason we would like to stay at our current empoyer, who KNOWS we are a system, and wouldn't question us using we and they and knowing we can do our job pretty damn well since we also SME, etc etc etc.)

Suitable for someone with a Double BA in psychology and social justice is preferred

Quality Assurance or Workforce Management is preferred. If the latter, our goal would be to possibly become an RTA Analyst (<- for starters someone suggested this to us before this happened; secondly, this would never happen to us again lmao; thirdly we think we've been doing damn great at our current job for being an endogenic system and cluster of autistics, and also a traumatized little wet rag so we deserve better than this bullshit lolsob)

Anyways - uh - suggestions welcome. We know this is the hellsite so we probably have less than a chance in hell for suggestions here, but, y'know, we're just trying to keep our feelers open tbqh.

[skruffie]

I've already been at the optical place for nine months?? I think my confidence in what I do has grown in leaps and bounds, and then just now while going through my tales from the clinic tag from LESS THAN A YEAR AGO there was something that stood out to me:

"At previous workplaces, I’ve always been able to easily make friends with coworkers but never really be in their little friend groups that get coffee or meals together (like if they’re placing a group order I’ve usually been excluded), but here during my first week the doctor was like “hey I’m gonna go get slurpees” and asked me if I wanted one and it took me like a solid ten seconds to turn and look at her before realizing she was asking me LMAO WHOOPS"

I am not surprised by this anymore :')

Sometimes I'll pop over to Jamba Juice for a smoothie but ask our assistant manager if he wants one when it's just us two on Mondays, or after a rough afternoon our manager will go over to Target and come back with a bag of chocolates, or generally if someone has too big of a lunch they'll start asking other folks if they want the rest. Someone will volunteer to go to the little local coffee stand instead of sbux and we all pass around a postit note to write our orders down. We're a small team now. It's literally just the manager, assistant manager, me, our tech, and then the doctor.

Like. While downsizing things since we moved I brought in a mug to see if our tech wanted it and they were like "I have too many mugs at home" and then our assistant manager, after I asked him was like "my wife will kill me if I bring another mug home so this will stay here". My manager is like "hey I have these two oil perfumes I'm going to bring in for you guys because they're just not my scent". The doctor does not hesitate to teach us something new about someone's prescription or pull us into the exam lane to check out images of someone's eye from pretest if there's something interesting. God jesus fuck writing this out suddenly has me a little scared because right now we are very close knit and feels like an actual team and it feels a bit fragile. We had a part-timer here too but because of corporate restructuring they asked if he could transfer to a store way farther away since they needed the help, but he took a severance instead.

Work dynamics are weird. There's always a lot of stuff like "any workplace that says that we're one big family is going to be very toxic" and I still do agree with that. This doesn't feel like family necessarily but we all work really well together. The other day I got pissed off when the doctor interrupted me while I was trying to pull someone's insurance info up so the assistant manager got it done for me since my focus died. Today someone was being really rude to our tech so I stood next to them and started answering his questions because they're not fuckin paid enough to deal with that. I wish that everyone can experience something like this because working is completely different when you have a team who has your back in a very real sense.

[caelumsnuff]

ah you changed your user and i could not find you! how could you lol! glad you're still here <3 i'm gonna add to the filler spree convo we're mostly in rn and idk idk i don't know if it's mostly fandom. i feel like it's money?? why would a dude who makes six figures on patreon alone care about youtube's adsense?? idk idk greed?? but since it takes more effort to routinely make a cohesive and engaging plot and the views for lore drop videos (which i wish erik would stop those even tho i like lore and incorporate the info into videos with relevant plot lines like how in books and movies they don't recommend those writers info dump) and plot-heavy works that aren't inversion don't get views.

the only 100k view videos the past 3/4 months are sleep audios cause of those casual listeners (and not even the gavin one which at least had some v v v slight character development in it). if all you had to do was stick a mic near your chest for your heartbeat and breathe to get 140k+ views lmao and your (albeit poorly done) final episode of a villain's plot doesn't crack 50k then you'll prob heed to those casual listeners. he used to make celebratory discord posts when characters got their first 100k views on a video, he made a big deal when that now-moved lasko in the movie theater audio reached a million views, and he had a patreon livestream around when he made the mario tournament audio where he lightly mentioned it being a bummer when videos didn't do well (he made light of it but still).

he mentioned in an old q&a about doing this to tell stories the way he wanted, but i feel like the views and money are what's steering him away from it??

HELLO!!! Yes im still here! Not leaving now and dont plan on it anytime soon lol. Im happy you found me again 😊

I feel like money is literally the only other option aside from the possibility that hes simply lost interest in the stories he was telling. Maybe he still cares about telling good stories deep down, but i think even if thats true the views and money is winning out. Which is just sad, this started out as a hobby and it should stay as such. Especially with him having so many patrons on top of his IRL job. Patrons don’t just…. Leave easily. He might lose casual viewership, but patrons and dedicated fans would stick around if he started valuing quality>quantity again. Do you know how happy i would be if he started uploading less often in favor of releasing better written, plot-centric videos??? You would Not believe it. And youtubers who do that literally garner a dedicated fanbase, there are artists out there who have a trove of patrons supporting them through several months without releasing art because they love it and its of high quality. Erik is more than capable of doing that.

I really do just think the man has so much potential, and i feel its not being executed to its peak right now. If he sat down and gave himself even like…. Idk one upload a week or one every two weeks, he could be writing better thought out videos.

Anyways, i definitely agree with you that its the money and views steering him away. Which is a damn shame, bc once again… 6 figures on patreon + a day job. He does not need to kneel for The Algorithm™️.

Views/hits/likes dont determine the value or quality of your art. Ignore the views, write a good story because its something you wish to make FUCK what other people think! Create from your heart knowing its the best you could put out in that moment, not just something you think will garner views. You know how amazing some videos with 1k views are on youtube??? Fics with 100 hits??? Art with 6 likes???? Just Create with all you are, others will find your passion and feel blessed to have been able to do so.

[avocado-frog]

I'm rereading my wip and doing some editing and there's so much comedic potential in rewriting it but from Kai and Marcy's point of view.

Like. Their Shithead and Mom Friend cousins went to their house on halloween and three days later are like "yo we're in a government conspiracy lmao" and literally just leave the entire state without telling anyone and then their aunt and uncle move away literally two months later. And then two weeks after the twins leave they call and are like "we've adopted three kids. They're ten years old, they're all autistic, and one of them got stabbed in the eye, hallucinates his dead mom a lot, and sleeps in the washing machine and they're our brothers" and Kai and Marcy just have to accept that

Leo doesn't talk to them until Christmas. When she does, it's a text that says "Elliot ate glue" and they have no fucking idea who elliot is. It's their recently acquired cousin that No One Told Them About

The whole group comes back to Maine in March but everyone in their town thought the twins were legitimately dead so they're all losing their minds. Kai and Marcy meet Logan, Jaxon, Lily, Dylan and the triplets. Logan steals the kitchen. Dylan and Jaxon take the nintendo. Lily commits tax fraud. Elliot falls down the stairs gets a concussion and breaks his hand. This is all within a week

The last time they saw Leo she was stealing from walmart, scamming and robbing children, skipping school, fighting, and evading the police. Now she's been found family troped and is in the kitchen making sugar cookies for her friends because she loves them

And then less than two weeks later, Elliot had a mental breakdown, and Leo beat the fuck out of Jaxon and nearly killed him. And Kai and Marcy are a state away trying to figure out WHAT happened after they left

Leo and Ryan disappeared, Logan went back to finish college, Elliot's still in a coma, and Cass just moved back in with her cousins. And Kai and Marcy just have to deal with that. Cass goes back to school and everyone's freaking the hell out because they thought she was supposed to be dead, her supposed parents are out of the picture, and no one has seen Leo since halloween a year and a half ago

And THEN Dylan kidnaps the Literal Coma Patient and disappears and Cass + Kai/Marcy have to go and help find them. Marcy goes with Jaxon to talk to Dylan's parents and he beats them within an inch of their life and she's just STANDING THERE, no context as to why Jaxon broke into someone's house, tried to kill them, and then left. none.

This doesn't even COVER finding Leo again, or getting possessed by middle schoolers, or anything that happens in rosemary

[morganlegaye]

new fave exchange from the first part of my jackanda:

Jack grinned wickedly. “You’re sexy when you’re angry,” she goaded, yet her own breathing quickened because it wasn’t a lie. She liked to fuck, but she liked to fight too— and the possibility of both? Was turning her the fuck on.

“And you were sexier when your mouth was full of my cunt and I couldn’t hear you speak.”

[chaos-event-horizon]

Aight so here's some irl stuff and an explanation of why I've been gone a while so strap in

TLDR: being softly yet forcibly removed from my parent's place and into a house where Toshinori and I will have an entire floor to ourselves, but at a cost (the cost is big money)

Big Long Might Read:

Okay so as some may know I live in the wild country on an old family farm sectioned off into various properties, and my great grandparents' old farmhouse was left to my dad when they died in 2019. My great aunts and grandmother and dad literally went to war over this shit because my aunt's are Actually Crazy and we're convinced that we were gonna turn the house into. Idk a crack den or Foreigner Orgy Fiesta Temple. Like at one point they accused my dad of poisoning our great grands because they couldn't fathom that 2 people in their mid 90s who had done hard farm and trucking labor all their lives would die of old age. Shit was nuts. It was An Ordeal.

Well we can't just leave the house sit and it needs some dramatic renovations (it's so old that most of the house is plaster not drywall and the electrical and plumbing are literally three quarters of a century old AT LEAST) so one of my brothers and his gf and friends had moved in and were paying for rent and utilities. 1 rough breakup later (roughly 1-2 weeks ago) everyone is moving out and my brother is devastated and depressed because the break-up partially happened due to his retail job having odd hours, and is back in our parents house again.

So dad decides that after everyone else gets out, in maybe a couple months, my brother is moving back over there and I'm getting thrown in with him and will have the upper floor of the 2 story farm house.

This is good news because it will mean that Toshinori and Hinata and I will have more space, and also will have to hide our relationship less. It will mean privacy that we very much need, cause it can be hard to hide the fact that we exist together.

But this is bad news... Because we live out in the sticks. Like on our way to our address if you roll down the windows on your car you will hear banjos playing in the soundtrack. We have our own very old well for water. We have a very old and delicate electrical system that runs itself ragged and can get expensive fast. Internet is a hefty sum.

But there is MORE bad news, because my "brother" will be let out of prison soon, and could very well try to break in and steal shit/beg for money/be murderous. There is also more bad news in the form of previously mentioned crazy aunts who have already, on more than one occasion, called the cops to tell them "something illegal" was happening at the house because they didn't like that people live in it.

So like. Been processing and having anxiety because my grocery store job having ass is broke lmao so I been having issues having the energy for social media. Tha's it.

[bonesandthebees]

Hi :D more questions predictably!! More so about you then my other ones, and I’m going to have two questions for the more personally ones because I want you to feel comfy ^^ so just answer one of the two :3 skip any that make you happy icky though <3

A) what did you plan to major in as a kid?

B) what was your favorite part of highschool?

C) what’s your favorite part of being an adult? And what’s your least favorite part?

D) do you have a job while at collage / do you still talk to your parents a lot?

E) what’s your favorite part of being in a fandom (any)

F) how many times have you gone to the hospital? / what was your worst fear when you were 7?

Me being nosey again, who could’ve guessed it ^^” -🍄

mushroom anon you are so good at coming up with interesting questions i love these!!

A) ever since I was a kid I had an interest in being a doctor. when I was 5 I begged my mom to buy me a human anatomy book from the bookstore lmao. so I was always planning on majoring in a premed type major like human bio or something similar, and it wasn't till i was in those classes that i realized oh i really do not like hard science enough for this oops-

B) my senior year of high school was pretty damn great?? admittedly fall semester was stressful as hell with getting college apps out and everything, but spring semester was so chill. I hung out with a lot more people than I had in previous years, I was more outgoing, teachers treat you so much more like an adult once you're a senior so chilling with them is way more fun, I got to relax in most of my classes since I'd already been accepted to my top university choice—it was just a great time all around

C) honestly this is gonna sound dumb but about a month back it was like 1:30 am and I realized i needed something from CVS. the CVS I lived nearest to at the time was a 24 hour one, so I was like wait I could actually go to it right now. and even though i'm almost 22 sometimes I still pause when I'm about to go out late at night and think oh I need to ask permission I can't leave- but then I remember I'm an adult living in my own apartment with my own car and I can literally just go do stuff like that. there's nothing stopping me from going out drinking with friends and not coming back till 2 am, or going out to CVS at 1:30 in the morning, stuff like that. so yeah that's my favorite part of adulthood—being completely independent. least favorite part though is also gonna sound dumb, but it's getting sick. like, there's a lot that sucks about being an adult, but getting sick and not having anyone around to take care of you?? and knowing that you have to be the one to get up and make yourself food and buy yourself medicine and do your laundry because literally no one else will even though you feel like shit?? it sucks man just makes me wanna cry and hug my mom

D) I do still talk to my parents a lot!! rn I'm staying at my mom's again so I'm living with her, though since I am taking summer classes I'm gonna be going back down to my university apartment once I've gotten over covid. after my summer classes though im moving back in with her again for the forseeable future lol. but even when i'm at school we talk on the phone every few days, and i talk to my dad roughly around once a week?? maybe once every other week?? like he'll text to check in on me every few days but full phone calls or actual in person visits happen way less (although it's been like that with him since i was like 13ish so that's not anything new lol)

E) content creation is always my favorite part of being in a fandom. i love writing, it's my number one hobby and i genuinely don't know what to do with myself in my free time if i can't write. so being in a fandom gives me so much space to just put my work out there and actually get an audience for it!!

F) uhhh idk if you mean like in general gone to a doctor or have gone to the ER, but if we're talking ER then apparently when I was like 3 i had a super severe fever and had to go to the ER but I don't remember it?? otherwise i've pretty much never been to the ER. I have been to urgent care a few times, once in my freshman year of uni bc I got like 2 seconds away from fainting in the middle of my campus dining hall and I had to call my roommate to come get me and take me to the urgent care center on campus, and then in my sophomore year I got really sick for like a solid month and a half and ended up going like 3 times in a single week so that sucked, but I ended up recovering just fine!! if we're talking like actual hospitalization, when I was 5 i had to get my tonsils and adenoids removed, so I stayed in the hospital for like a day or something after that, but that's about it

[backslashdelta]

13, 19, 26 and 42!

Oooh omg okay I love these questions we're getting into process and organization this is fantastic thank you

13. Where or from whom did you learn how to gif?

When I first started, I think I had found some tutorial somewhere that I was using and I wasn't having a great time of it lol. But then @itstruthtime linked me to this tutorial and it pretty much changed my life tbh. 20/10, would recommend to anyone who wants to learn to gif. Of course there are lots of other little tutorials and various tips and tricks I've picked up along the way, but as for the basics, it's that tutorial. And also just like, I would like to make a point to shout out Cim in general who has been very patient and helpful and encouraging as I've been learning things, and is always happy to kindly let me know when I have been doing things I didn't even realize were wrong, like always posting my gifsets as text posts instead of image posts lmao.

19. What is your giffing process like?

Well, it's basically like the tutorial I linked in the last question. I plan out my concept, including scenes and any text that will need to go with each gif, and I usually just write that down in a notepad file that I don't even save. Then I check to see if I have screencaps of the scenes I want to use - sometimes I'll end up finding a different scene to use that way as well, but if I don't already have the scene I want screencapped and I don't find an alternative, then that's my next step (screencapping my beloathed). Then it's loading all the frames in and converting them to a smart object with the gif action I have. And then the fun begins!

Usually I start with a curves layer and maybe levels just to get the brightness right, and then I start playing around with hue/saturation and selective colour to adjust the colouring. About a month ago I realized that you can actually adjust the hue/saturation of individual colours rather than the whole image at once so uh... thanks for Cim for helping me come to that realization lmao. The option was literally right there I just didn't look so WHOOPS. Once I have the colouring right I move on to any typography that needs to be added, which is basically just a process of cycling through a million fonts until I find one or two that feel right, picking colours and setting styles, switching it screen or vivid light or exclusion or whatever else makes it look the best. I do all of that on just one gif, and then I usually drag those layers over to the other gifs as a base and just tweak them until everything looks like it goes together well.

Then I export them all to gifs and load them into a post draft, and this is the point where I usually realize that I forgot to set them to loop so they just play once or stop, or I didn't adjust the end of the timeline so it just goes white and the typography is there without an image behind it for a moment lol. So then I go back and fix that and save the gifset as a draft. I take a look at the post there to see how it looks all together, and I also look at it on my phone (I've realized that some of my gifsets are probably too saturated because for some reason everything looks so much less saturated on my laptop than on my phone, so this is an important step). And then it's just a matter of tweaking things until it looks good in both places!

26. How many un-posted sets are in your drafts right now?

I've answered this already, and the answer remains: none. I'm too impatient for that lol. If I had anything in my drafts, you would know because I would be making posts complaining about it (see: 1, 2, 3, 4)

42. How is your gif folder organized? Is it organized at all?

Yes it's very organized!!

Okay so first in my main gif folder I have a folder for everything I've posted, a folder for templates and just other useful things to come back to, a folder my things I make for my own blog (basically just my header I guess lol), and a folder for things I make for the KurtbastianArchive blog. And then any other folders are just for gifsets that I am working on at the moment. You can see in this screenshot that I'm planning an alignment gifset (like an alignment chart of Glee characters) and a Kurtbastian gifset with Mr. Brightside lyrics... I have not touched either in a long time lmao so they won't be happening anytime soon.

And then within the posted folder, I have a folder dedicated to each gifset I've ever posted. I have sort of standard naming conventions, where I generally start with the character or ship it's about, and will also include if it's for a specific event or a specific person usually, and then some other detail to describe it (which, as you can see, is usually a song name lol).

And then inside each of those folders, I have the PSD and the GIF file for each gif in the set :)

I also have a really organized file structure set up for my screencaps! Each episode gets it's own folder, and then within the folder there are subfolders for specific scenes. That way once I screencap a scene, I don't have to do it again, I can just come back and reuse the same screencaps. I usually try to screencap a whole scene at a time rather than just the specific moment that I plan to use for exactly that reason.

[hangjie]

holiday blues (3). [ timothée chalamet ]

PART ONE | PART TWO | PART FOUR

summary: reader slips up that she has a boyfriend and begs timothée to be her pretend boyfriend during the holidays

warnings: i tried being poetic or some shit like that (oh and swearing

word count: -

author’s note: happy new year, everyone! hope you all enjoy 2019 and enjoyed 2018 (bc i’m sure i didn’t lmao) 💙 y’all thought that this was the end? lmao well guess what? this has another part bc i’ve reached the text limit ;(( hdjdkskskdkf i know that this sucks so much (i feel delusional bc i’ve stayed up until 5-7 am for a more or less than a week just to write this).

(y/l/n) - your last name

─── • ° *｡✧ ───

the soft light seeping through my curtains illuminates the room, setting a white warm glow around the room. i could hear the blows of the cold breeze trying to get into the room. i could see the tiny snowflakes falling from the sky and landing on the blankets of snow on the ground.

i rub the sleep from my eyes before turning around in bed. i expected to face the pile of stuffed animals i arranged last night as a border between timothée and i, but instead, i face the sleeping brunette boy who not only had his arm wrapped around my waist but also is inches away from my face.

i feel my cheeks burn as i move away from him. he only groans and pulls me closer to him, wrapping his arms around my waist tighter.

a few seconds later, his eyes start to open to reveal his green eyes. though they were sleepy, they were still beautiful.

timothée yawns and unleashes one arm from my waist to rub his eyes. “good morning,” he says, smiling sleepily.

gosh, he’s so cute.

“can you let go of me, timmy?” his face turns into a confused expression until he looks down and notices his arms around me. he looks back at me with pink-tinted cheeks, but his flustered face quickly turns into a smirk.

he shakes his head and says, “no.” as i was about to say something, he gets on top of me and tickles me. i start to laugh out loud, hitting timothée repeatedly and trying to get away from him, but his legs were at my side, making me unable to escape from him.

“t-timmy-y, stop i-it!” i say in between laughs. he stops and puts his hand on his chin, acting like he was thinking. “hmm, no thanks,” he says before going back to tickle me again. “y-you’re such a f-fucking child-d!”

i grab one of my pillows and hit timothée with it on the head. he finally lets go of me and lays on the bed, with his arms raised in an attempt to protect himself from my hits whilst laughing.

i climb on top of him and continue hitting him until he says, “okay, okay! i give up!” i return the pillow to its original place and do a little victory dance. “take that, chalamet! who’s the boss of you now?” i say, victoriously and my small victory fades away when timothée rolls us over and gets on top of me, pinning me against the bed.

he smirks when he sees my confused gaze. “obviously not you, (y/l/n).” i roll my eyes as he chuckles.

after his laughter tones down, i couldn’t help but stare at timothée’s eyes, him doing the same with mine. he quickly glances at my lips then to my eyes, slowly leaning in. i could hear my heart pounding in my ears as his hot breath fans my face. our noses touch and we slowly close our eyes, ready to feel each other’s lips on one another before i hear the door burst open and mom’s voice calling for timothée and i.

“(y/n), timothée, get up! we're—oh!”

timothée quickly gets off me and i sit up, our faces even redder than before. “i’m not interrupting anything, am i?” mom asks, raising an eyebrow. “no, no, no, no! nothing happened. i swear, mom!” i cover my face with my hands, trying to hide from the embarrassment. “please don’t tell dad.”

mom looks between timothée, who was looking at somewhere in the room, too embarrassed to meet my mom’s eyes and me, who was covering my face with my hands.

“okay,” mom says, dragging out the ‘o.’ “i’ll see you two downstairs.” she glances between us again before walking out the room.

as soon as mom is gone, i grab my pillow and groan as loud as i can. it’s only the morning and i’ve already managed to embarrass myself.

i can’t wait to embarrass myself even more today.

***

after breakfast, i decide to relax with the rest of my family in the living room. a smile grows on my lips as i watch timothée play with my baby cousins (who were asleep the whole day yesterday). my 11 months old cousin sits on his lap, staring up at him as my 5-year-old cousin leans over to put a princess crown over timothée’s head.

i cannot help but feel my heart do flips as i watch the scene in front of me. timothée who can be so goofy and cheeky when with me, can be soft and gentle when with kids makes my heart flutter.

i wonder how he’ll be when he has his own kids someday.

“are you in love with him?” i hear my aunt ask.

i snap out of my trance and nearly choke on my own spit when the words register inside my head.

“what?”

“with timothée. are you in love with him?” she clarifies.

“i-i don’t know, auntie. it’s too early in our relationship to say that.”

“but do you love him?”

that question strikes me even more than the previous one because i honestly don’t know if i love timothée or not. i mean, i love him as a friend and i certainly do have feelings for him, proven through his stay at my parents’ house, but do i like or love him?

i look away from her and glance back at timothée, who was now laughing along with my 5-year-old cousin as he tries to apply lipstick on her lips.

i chuckle, the smile staying on my lips as my laughter fades. “yeah, i do love him.”

“oh my god!” a loud yell erupts in the room, making us all turn our direction to the corner of the room where my cousins are sitting on the floor, looking between timothée and the tv screen as it plays ‘call me by your name.’

oh no. here we go.

my youngest cousin, rose stands up from the ground and points at timothée. “you’re elio from call me by your name!” she points then to the tv where timothée’s scene of elio watching oliver play volleyball is playing.

“you’re an actor?” i hear the voice of my dad ask as he comes into the living room with a mountain of gifts on his arms. timothée’s cheeks redden and before he could answer my dad’s question, rose immediately comes up to him with the rest of my cousins and starts asking him questions.

dad approaches the christmas tree and puts the gifts underneath it. when dad leans back up straight, he watches the movie for a while until he says, “he’s a great actor.”

“dad, i can explain—“

“no, (y/n). no need for explaining. clearly, he can take care of you financially if he ever decides to marry or have kids with you.”

i open and close my mouth, but no words come out of it. dad approaches me and takes my hand with an apologetic look on his face.

“(y/n), i’m sorry for being rude to timothée. i was only doing that because i thought that he had no job and that when you two get married and have kids, he won’t be able to make you and your family happy.”

“dad, i don’t care about money and financial stuff. i only care about love, happiness, and trust in our relationship. he could be the poorest man alive and i would still love him.”

he sighs and looks down. “i know. i’m sorry for only caring about money.” he looks up at my eyes. “i’m really sorry, honey.”

i pull my dad in a tight hug. “it’s okay, dad. on behalf of timothée, you’re forgiven.” i rub his back, comfortingly before pulling away.

as if my mom was listening to our conversation, she comes into the room and calls for everyone to come in the living room.

my cousins finally leave timothée alone and i approach him as he gives back my baby cousins to my aunt. i take a seat beside him and he wraps his arm around my shoulder. “hey, so how did your small meet and greet go?” he rolls his eyes and chuckles. “it was fine. turns out that rose actually wants to be an actor and asked for tips on how to become one.”

i open my mouth to say something, but my mom shushes me. i pout at her and cross my arms around my chest as she laughs.

“so, we will start with the gift-giving!” mom gets several gifts from underneath the christmas tree and distributes them to almost everyone in the room. she gives me her gift and i thank her, kissing her cheek.

“timothée, i’m so sorry that i don’t have a gift for you. i didn’t know that (y/n) would be bringing her boyfriend and i didn’t have the time to buy a gift,” she says and timothée reassures her that it’s fine and that the best gift he could get is being able to be with me and my family.

it goes on for a while until it was my turn. i stand up and get my presents for my family from under the tree. i then give the gifts to my family and then i turn to timothée who looks up at me with a smile on his lips.

i hand out the remaining present in my hands to timothée. he looks at me with surprise and says, “(y/n), you didn’t have to get me anything.”

“just shut up and open your present.”

he tears the christmas wrapping and opens the box inside to reveal a polaroid camera (a/n: idk but this kinda suits timothée’s aesthetic and i literally can’t think if anything else okay shush).

his eyes sparkle in excitement and he jumps up from the ground, pulling me into a tight hug. “oh my god, thank you, thank you, thank you!” he lifts me from the ground and spins me around, making me laugh.

“okay, okay. cut it out, lovebirds. go get a room.”

he finally sets me down on the ground and he kisses my cheek. his mouth goes to my ear and he whispers, “thanks for being a good friend.”

friend.

“it’s the least i could do for getting you to be my pretend boyfriend.” i try to hide the sad smile and i sit back to my previous spot.

my eyes glance over to the tree and notice that there are three presents left, but i get confused because i’m pretty sure that everyone has given their gifts, but my thoughts are interrupted when timothée approaches the tree and picks up the presents.

he brought gifts? even if he’s pretending to be my boyfriend?

before he goes to give his gifts, he stands in front of us with a guilty look on his face. “i’m sorry that i didn’t get everyone gifts. i didn’t know that (y/n)’s extended family would be attending and i expected it to be only her mom and dad.” he chuckles, making everyone chuckle as well.

he approaches my parents and gives them two of the gifts as my parents look at him in awe. my mom stands up and hugs him and when they pull away from each other, my dad stands up and shakes timothée’s hand.

“i’m so sorry for being so rude to you,” my dad apologizes. “it’s okay, mr. (y/l/n). i completely understand.” timothée smiles at my dad and unexpectedly, my dad gives him a hug. timothée stands shocked for a while, but nevertheless, he hugs him back. when they pull away from each other, dad says, “welcome to the family, son,” only making timothée’s smile grow even wider.

he walks away from my family and walks in front of me. he smiles down at me and places his gift down before helping me up. timothée then hands me his gift and i raise an eyebrow at him.

“timothée, you really didn’t have to—“

“just shut up and open the gift,” he says, mimicking my words earlier. i chuckle and playfully hit him on his shoulder before opening the gift.

my eyes widen and my jaw drops to the floor when i see a beautiful sparkling necklace. the necklace is white gold and has a small heart as a pendant (a/n: cliché af but uGh i would die if someone gave me this i swear).

“open the heart,” he quietly says and i do so, opening the heart pendant to reveal a picture of timothée and i. the picture is from the time timothée and i went on a “friendly date” to celebrate the first year of our friendship.

“so that you wouldn’t miss me too much if i’m away shooting a movie,” he claims.

timothée grabs the necklace from my hands and puts it around my neck. i lift my hair from behind as he chains the necklace on to my neck.

“timmy, it’s beautiful.” i grab the necklace and admire the simple yet meaningful gift. “thank you.” i pull him into a tight hug and bury my face into his chest. i inhale the scent of his cologne as i feel myself melt into his arms.

i truly treasure this moment because although he’s pretending to be my boyfriend for my sake, he doesn’t fail to show me love and his gratefulness of our friendship.

snap!

timothée and i pull away from each other and see mom holding her polaroid camera in her hands. “you two are so cute!” we back away from each other with red cheeks and smiles on our faces.

***

the rest of the day goes smoothly contrary to my words earlier.

i‘m catching up with my uncle who i haven’t seen a long time due to him working overseas and timothée is playing with my baby cousin alongside rose who tells him stories about her “theatre adventures” as she would call it.

i laugh at a joke my uncle says until i hear one of my cousins call for timothée and me. i excuse myself and approach my cousin as timothée walks to my side.

my cousin smiles at us mischievously and i ask him, “what’s up?”

“see for yourself.”

he points above us and i nearly faint when i see a mistletoe above timothée and me. my cheeks turn into a deep red and i look over at timothée, noticing that his red cheeks match mine.

“we don’t have to do this, you know,” he says, approaching me with anxious eyes. “we can just kiss each other on the cheek or—“

“just kiss me.”

“what?” timothée’s eyes widen at my statement. “(y/n), are you sure?” i nod my head and the next thing i knew, he leans into me and i feel his lips against mine. i wrap my arms around his neck and tangle my fingers in his curly hair as his hands grip my waist, pulling me closer to him.

i wouldn’t lie, i’ve always wondered what it’s like to kiss timothée and wondered how i would feel if he did and as cliché, as it sounds, the kiss felt like fireworks and i felt a warm feeling inside my chest.

i pull myself away from him and open my eyes to see his green ones staring back at me.

as much as i enjoyed the kiss, i couldn’t help but feel guilty and anxious. i just kissed timothée, my best friend.

i open my mouth to say something but quickly close it when nothing comes out. i look around to see my family who’ve gathered around us then i look back at timothée who looks back at me with a worried expression.

“(y/n), are you okay?” he asks, but before he could say anything else, i grab my coat and walk out of the house, murmuring, “i need some fresh air.”

MASTERLIST