#welcome to the real world riley is all im gonna say

[thetimelordbatgirl]

"Riles, how about I do what you do, and you do what you do?"-the credits should have rolled at that point in Girl Meets Belief, because its a good message on religious belief's, but nooo, this episode wants to force belief's down people's throats so can't have that be the message.

[edwardsvirginity]

And now... I introduce my best friend to Eclipse! 

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[riley’s first appearance]

Friend: who's that

mike?

(the rest of the commentary for the movie is under the readmore!)

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[bella reciting the opening monologue: some say the world will end in fire…]

Friend: wow…drama queen

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[Edward and bella in the meadow]

Friend: is this real or is this more of her crazy headspace

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Edward: marry me

Bella: I have an English final

Friend: wow……. Rude

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[Charlie grounding bella]

Friend: charlie…. is the only sane character tbh lmfao

he knows an abusive relationship when he sees one

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[Edward sabatoges bella’s truck]

Friend:  Y I K E S

A B U S I V E

this is not romantic lol

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Renee: I just want to make sure ur making the right choices for you

Friend: she's NOT

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[renee gives bella the quilt from all their trips]

Friend: awwww

except she's selling out her fam for bloodsuckers

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[all the cullens wait for Victoria in the forest]

Friend: is it whatshername

the redheaded bitch

--0000000--

Friend: i'm just gonna say….alice and carlisle are the only valid vampires

Me: whyso?

Friend: idk anything about jasper and emmett, edward is weird, who else even is there

--0000000--

Me: [pauses movie because a spider has appeared by my head and I’m freaking out]

[it lands on my laptop and I scream and close it]

Ok… we can resume

Friend: what happened?

Me: [explains]

Him: ? ? ? why didn't you kill it?!

Me: killing it requires getting close enough to touch it, and that's Too Close

i don't kill spiders

anyway

Him: what?!? lmfao

you don't kill spiders

Me: killing them is too scary

Him: i'd rather kill it and know it's dead than wonder where it is

wow

me: i just scream until someone else comes to do it for me

him: that's a lot to take in

--0000000--

[jake confronting Edward about being on their territory]

Edward: I was trying to protect u by not telling u abt Victoria

Friend: mmmm yikes

bella just needs to move tf back to florida

this is….Too Much

--0000000--

[bella goes to lapush]

Friend: tbh i like his pack

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Leah: if ur here to torture jake some more u can leave

Friend: oooooh

burn

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[movie introduces imprinting]

Friend: tbh i think that whole concept is insane™ and i dont get it

bc it like absolves you of your own…actions

& removes the other person's choice

it's really fucking creepy

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Friend: also it would be soooo weird to be able to read people's thoughts

Me: i know it would freak me out

i would hate being able to hear everything my packmates thought

Friend: i don't need anyone else to know how horny i am

--0000000--

[Jacob arguing with bella about the cullens]

Jacob: theyre not even alive

Friend: "they're not even alive" y i k e s

--0000000--

[riley creeping in bella’s house]

Friend: man i'd be sleepin with a shotgun lmfao

& like 12 dogs

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[Edward yelling at bella abt bella disappearing with jake]

Me: he’s so overprotective

Friend: she needs it tho

Me: because she's such a danger magnet?

Friend: um….yeah

& she is a fucking damsel in distress

she has no power of her own :((

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Friend: he's so…ugly

me: Edward?

Friend: yeah ……….

--0000000--

[Jake appears shirtless]

Edward: doesn’t he own a shirt

Friend: “doesn't he own a shirt"

LMFAO edward voicing my thoughts

--0000000--

[Edward kissing bella before passing her off to jake, who immediately hugs her]

Friend: the way they …. fight with each other by using her body :|

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Friend: what do native americans think of this?

Me: [explains]

Friend: so what is the redeeming quality of these movies exactly lmfao

Me: they’re… fun?

Friend: i guess

like indiana jones

racist trash, but fun(?)

--0000000--

Me: I hate his sideburns in this movie

Friend: don't think they're that bad

his whole face tho is not great

especially pale af

--0000000--

[nonconsensual kiss scene]

Jake: ill fight until ur heart stops beating

Bella: u wont have to wait for long

Friend: YIKES

--0000000--

[Edward and Jake fighting post-punch]

Jake: she’s not sure what she wants

Friend: Y I K E S

--0000000--

[Carlisle bandaging bella]

Friend: carlisle is so hot

i wanna marry dr. carlisle

the way he medicines everyone up…

wow

 [..]

edward is useless

seduce Carlisle

 [..]

edward's been alive 100 years and hasn't become a doctor??? c'mon

--0000000--

[Rosalie killing her rapists]

Friend: LM FAO

love that

W O W

that's a more interesting story than bella's LMFAO

--0000000--

[Rosalie trying to convince bella to stay human]

Rose: there’s one thing you’ll want more than Edward… one thing you’ll kill for… blood

Friend: ohhh….

SHE REAL

--0000000--

Friend: & also bella's assumption that Edward is That Great

she's 18….. she hasn't even TRIED college boys

 [..]

has she even had sex with anyone, ever?

--0000000--

Friend: Evil Dakota Fanning is ….. scary af

--0000000--

Friend: i'll say what i want about stephanie meyer being a fucked up mormon…. but her music taste is p good

Me: she didn’t do the soundtracks

Friend: ummm…i remember stephanie meyer specifically thanking Muse in her books

in the "acknolwedgements" section

 or did you, the twilight princess, not read that part

--0000000--

[graduation party]

Friend: I feel like there should be a twilight spoof..

where a high school girl has to choose between dating a furry and a goth

bc that's what this feels like to me

--0000000--

Friend: he freaks me out

the beefy one

--0000000--

[training scene]

Friend: jasper's kinda sexy too

well, everyone looks good next to robert :|

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: jasper was a confederate soldier?!?!??!

what?? lmfao

confederate vampires? thanks i hate it

--0000000--

Friend: didn't he have like a life and morals before becoming a vampire or

i mean i guess he's a confederate so maybe not but

--0000000--

[jasper’s backstory]

Friend: he just listens to her lmfao

his Evil Mexican Bruja

--0000000--

[about Victoria]

Friend: she should just make someone sexy a vampire and fuck them tho

she has the power here

--0000000--

[about Jacob]

Friend: is there a REASON he never wears a shirt?

--0000000--

[Jake trying to convince bella she has feelings for him]

Jake: you can love more than one person… like sam, Emily, and leah

Friend: thruple!

that's the only resolution here

jacob & edward need to fuck each other and get over it

there's too much tension between them

--0000000--

Alice: you and Edward will have the house to yourself tonight

Friend: oooooo

Alice: you’re welcome

Friend: LMFAO

alice is a bro

--0000000--

Bella [immediately after the scene with Alice]: hey dad, I was wondering

Friend: hey dad… i was wondering. do you have any condoms

--0000000--

Bella: dad I’m a virgin

Friend: not for long….

--0000000--

Friend: but like honestly it's all so deeply unclear to me

he has like no blood, right?

HOW does he get hard

Me: he’s always hard

Friend: i don't think that's how that works

--0000000--

[Edward and bella in edward’s room]

Bella: I wanna ask u something

Friend: "can we fuck"

--0000000--

Friend: i feel like "becoming a vampire" is just a metaphor for "losing virginity"

--0000000--

[Bella tried to jump Edward]

Edward: bella…no

Friend: ???????????

they already kiss and stuff?????????

Me: yeah

i think he's worried he'd like. fuck her to death

idk… her vulva is delicate i guess

 Friend: they could do some Other Stuff

Me: yeah i know

edward is just…. too old school to understand anything but piv

Friend: fuck her to death…with his flaccid vampire dick

 [..]

this is so………Weird

?????????? sex is not a sin

--0000000--

[Edward talking abt how he would have courted bella in 1918]

Friend: ???????????? i dont believe that at all

people fucked in the 1800s

edward is a fucking weirdo

[Edward starts his grand speech]

Friend: Ew

this is…. a Lot

tbh it's Not Sexy that he can't adapt to a more feminist era

[Edward proposes]

Friend: this is…… a Lot

he Keeps Asking

[bella accepts]

Friend: she's only saying yes because she's horny!!!!

--0000000--

Friend: also….tbh it's sad that these vampires have to deny their instincts and have no control over themselves

like ….maybe they should just be euthanized

 Me: :O

Friend: is it fair to deny them their nature???

we don't force tigers to be vegetarians

what is the difference

Me: because… they're sentient and intellectual and can decide for themselves not to eat humans

Friend: i'm not sure i buy that

Me: you think they're not smart enough to make their own decision not to eat humans?

Friend: it seems like they have to be rehabilitated to deny a very natural instinct that they have no control over

are the cullens themselves a metaphor for mormonism?

 Me: yeah but carlisle CHOSE a vegetarial lifestyle… no one forced it on him

Friend: i guess

but at what cost

lmao

--0000000--

[tent scene]

Jacob: I am hotter than u

Friend: LMFAO

--0000000--

Friend: why didn't they bring more blankets?????

how fucking cold is it

Dumbasses

--0000000--

[Edward and jake arguing over bella]

Friend: idk bella….

i'd rather fuck a hot wolf than a freezing rock hard PussyDestroying Vampire

those wolves are HUGE…. huge dicks im sure

--0000000--

[Edward talking about how he doesn’t want bella to be a vamp to jake]

 Friend: i feel like they're Bonding

over their inability to control this woman lmfao

--0000000--

[jake and Edward fighting over bella]

Friend: bella is not that interesting? ? ? ?

--0000000--

Edward: if you weren’t trying to steal bella I might actually like u

Friend: wow

THIS is where they should fuck

t h r u p l e

look deep into each other's eyes

--0000000--

Friend: she'd warm up if they were having sex

--0000000--

[post tent scene]

Friend: she's not even wearing a hat rn

bella…what the fuck

--0000000--

[Edward and bella talking about being engaged, jake overhears]

Bella: it’s the 21st century

Friend: yeah, it is the 21st century…. marry them both

--0000000--

[bella asks jake to kiss her]

Friend: what the FUCK is happening

--0000000--

[bella and jake making out]

Friend: she's not even wearing anything warm

--0000000--

[battle]

Friend: carlisle…. kung fu master

Me: renaissance man

Friend: only breaks the hippocratic oath when absolutely necessary

--0000000--

[confrontation with riley and Victoria, Edward trying to convince riley to turn on Victoria]

Edward: think about it riley.. .you’re from forks… you know the area

Friend: "you're from forks… who would want that"

--0000000--

[Carlisle healing jake]

Friend: god…..my sexy, classy dad

… so smart….. so kind

--0000000--

Bella: I’m not normal

Friend: bella….you are SO normal

the reason every middle school girl read these books and thought they were like bella is bc you are just THAT normal

--0000000--

Edward: I guess we should start planning the wedding

Bella: no… something more difficult first… more dangerous

Friend: is she still talking about her virginity

[gulescamisade]

MN, Ground:  Day 27

DAVE: -Jesus Christ they're finally here. it's been a long time but motherfuckers he is coming HOME because of that cheesy bullshit that is home being where the people you care about are. He's slow to get his feet on the ground, taking in the scenery first, before following the others up to the house-

ARADIA: -they're here...-

DIRK: -everyone get the fuck out of the way. dirk is here to greet everyone, but especially family... which right now means dave so hello dave you're gonna get a brother hug... he doesn't really know the extend of the damage done to him so he doesn't know how to be MINDFUL OF IT...-

DAVE: -it's a relief seeing dirk alive and okay, but he doesn't have a lot of time to process it with the hug he's given and the way it gives him such a sharp pain. He grits his teeth, patting dirk on the back and wincing while in this brother hug- LOOSER NOT SO TIGHT

DIRK: Oh fuck-- Sorry. -LOOSENS HIS STRONG GRIP-

DAVE: -YA TOO STRONG YA ASSHOLE- its cool its like a love back break i get it we just gotta respect the property of my spine

DAVE: anyway sup

MITUNA: -Hops down as well, everyone is here wow look at this brotherly bonding. Gay-

MEULIN: -She ALMOST tackled Dave, but instead she's here to try to nuzzle between Strider tiddies.-

MEULIN: -Just. Right there in that hug.-

DIRK: You-- Oh. Hello there.

DAVE: -thank you Meulin for being thoughtful- also hey meu I dont think you can even see my lips moving right now but the sentiment is there

MEULIN: (^・ω・^ )

MITUNA: ehehehe

MEULIN: PRR PRR.

ARADIA: -watching from the roof-

RUFIOH: -also watching from the roof...-

MITUNA: -He's gonna inside. Pauses to wave at Aradia-

HESONY: =just hanging out with the dragonfly, dont mind him=

ERIDAN: -gazing from inside the ice cream truck in his stupid ice cream man geddup. The things he had to do to get everyone here on time... Horrendous. https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-12/2/15/enhanced/webdr07/enhanced-22416-1417551805-3.jpg -

DIRK: -nuzzles meulin's hair a little...- She's got cool shades that transcribe everything around her. I wonder who got her those.

ARADIA: -hops down to greet more properly. mituna first- hows your arm or lack thereof

MEULIN: (○｀ω´○)

DAVENFORTH: -Climbs out the back of the ice cream truck, bandaged and wearing his own shades again. Walks over to the nephew cat sandwich- Aint yall just adorable

DAVE: some anime asshole probably -fuck it's just nice to be with his brother again-

MITUNA: oh i75 how youd 7hink i7d go my balance i5 fucked

QIRIN: =just....eyeballing the Alaska group. What the shit happened to all of you?!=

KURLOZ: =Get over it, he's just going to get out and walk right into the cabin/house. He doesn't know you hos=

DAVE: -he can't help but smile a little at his uncle- yo uncle dave nice job wreckin the presidents -from this angle no one can see the scar on his neck and he is thankful for that-

MINDFANG: -What Didnt happen. Also shes standing near the dragonfly too, eyeing Hesony. Hes had it real good for a while.-

HESONY: =Hello Mindfang, he sees you looking, but the fight in him has pretty much died. They kept their promise.=

MINDFANG: -They sure did, and now there is no real reason to keep them around so she is just pondering that.-

ARADIA: yeah i figured ARADIA: -pauses and then just lightly and carefully hugs him- welcome back

KARKAT: =Is also out and about somewhere but he knows you hoes. At least everyone else didn't go through hell=

RILEY: -EVERYBODY MOVE THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY-

DAVENFORTH: -It's okay, you can't see the scar on his eye. His face, his beautiful face.- Thanks but ro did the part that wasnt getting my ass kicked you should congratulate her

DAVENFORTH: You look like you went through some shit

DIRK: -lucky bastards, everyone can see HIS scar..-

DIRK: -smiles a little at brunc, but oh fuck here she comes... the mom-

ROXANNE: -Shes getting out of the truck after Derek and Riley, she wasnt going to be in the way of that, no sir.-

DEREK: -LEAPS AFTER RILEY-

DEREK: -JET NOISES-

DAVENFORTH: -Observes-

RILEY: -she's running at them and nearly collides into the boys and meulin consequently, wrapping her arms around their shoulders- OH THANK FUCK.

MITUNA: -A hug is probably the nicest thing he's had in a week. He loops his good arm around Aradia and squeezes and rests his chin on her head.- 7hank5 arayray

DIRK: -starting to get emotional... with his parents and his brother and his uncle and his cat all right here...-

DAVENFORTH: -Gets sad about his cat-

RILEY: -they're getting smooches on the head- my babies.

DAVE: -he winces a little at the first collision but he's okay and WOW WAY TO BE EMBARRASSING MOM- hey

ERIDAN: -disgusting... this clan of humans in their natural habitat... how do you tell them apart. Eridan fears for himself.-

ARADIA: you get to actually rest for a little while now

ROXANNE: -Eridan dont be a downer.-

MITUNA: yeah righ7 7he 5creamy a55hole5 ate back

ERIDAN: -He's always a downer. And eating a dreamsicle in the ice cream truck.-

ARADIA: who karkat

ARADIA: we have a lot of screamy assholes mituna

MITUNA: he ha5n7 been 7ha7 bad ac7ually i mean7 um i mean7 7he dead one5

ROXANNE: -WELL DONT BE.-

ROXANNE: -Also enough of watching the striders reunite, as cute as that is, shes going into the house on a quest to find her own daughter, where is rose where are you hiding her.-

DEREK: -places a hand on dave's shoulder during all this... that'll do pig-

ARADIA: oh that makes so much more sense

DAVE: -STOP IT BRO YOURE GONNA MAKE HIM CRY-

REDGLARE: -Oh, hey, hello. This. And everyone. And people. She's limping. She's tired. She's been keeping herself awake for the flight, and some of the pains have been keeping her from conking out anyways, but she's not quite ready to pass out on the floor. She hobbles over to the nearest thing she can sit on and sits.-

DAVENFORTH: !!!! -Walks over to Redglare and just kind of stands there, taking this all in. She looks so tired, and like she went through literally hell. His eyes linger on her a little too long- You mind if i sit here

REDGLARE: s1t. REDGLARE: 1 s4w your 1m4g3s.

DAVE: -SO SMOOTH BRUNCLE-

DAVENFORTH: -Groans a bit as he sits next to her.- I think they did too much justice

REDGLARE: ...

REDGLARE: Mph.

REDGLARE: You 4lso brought b4ck th3 s1lly... m4sk m4n 4ct.

REDGLARE: 4t l34st 1t s3rv3d 1ts purpos3.

DAVENFORTH: Got something against dave skellington movies

DAVENFORTH: Icon

REDGLARE: 1 th1nk 1 w4s cl34r 3nough.

REDGLARE: S1lly.

DAVENFORTH: Sex symbol

REDGLARE: uh-huh.

DAVENFORTH: -Sighs- Were gonna have a marathon when we get back im gonna get you an entire devils food cake and everything

REDGLARE: Th4t's...

REDGLARE: -snorts.-

REDGLARE: opt1m1st1c.

REDGLARE: You'll t3mpt th3 odds. Just c4ll 1t 4 sl1c3.

DAVENFORTH: Like youd just want a slice

REDGLARE: -PUNCHES HIS ARM-

DAVENFORTH: -Doof. He grins a little- So two slices huh

REDGLARE: M4yb3.

REDGLARE: On3 4nd 4 h4lf.

DAVENFORTH: One and three fourths

REDGLARE: You know wh4t.

REDGLARE: Sur3.

DAVENFORTH: -Puts an arm around her. He's just glad she's alive.- About time i win one

REDGLARE: Oh, shut up. You k1ll3d 4 world l34d3r.

DAVENFORTH: I had help

REDGLARE: Sudd3n bout of hum1l1ty?

DAVENFORTH: Sudden bout of getting crushed

DAVENFORTH: Probably would have a lot more worse for wear if it hadnt been for roxanne

REDGLARE: Oh.

REDGLARE: H4.

DAVENFORTH: I got sloppy and almost lost an eye or life for it you know whichever

DAVENFORTH: Not that ill get sympathy from you

REDGLARE: couldn't poss1bly 1m4g1n3 wh4t th4t's l1k3.

DAVENFORTH: Nope only me

REDGLARE: ...

REDGLARE: Won't b3 4bl3 to do much l1k3 th1s. Sp34k1ng of.

DAVENFORTH: Well get you back up and running

REDGLARE: 1'm not runn1ng 4nywh3r3. C4rry m3. 4ss.

DAVENFORTH: Like a bara princess

REDGLARE: Wh4t do3s th4t m34n.

DAVENFORTH: Ripped to shit

REDGLARE: Oh.

REDGLARE: Y3s.

JOHN: - I didn't get to rp it but you can bet your ass John vigorously rubbed himself on Dave, Aradia and Dirk. Because! He was worried! And he missed them! For Dave it's extra vigorous. -

DAVE: -JUST STEER CLEAR OF THE BACK and we will be good-

JOHN: - Hair gets floofed and refloofed-

JOHN: - Also you get more medical attention because he doesn't trust these non uu people to do it right. -

DAVE: -be my servant-

JOHN: -after all the emotional reunions and fussing over everyone as much as they'll allow him....john honestly feels kind of uneasy and restless. eventually he finds himself sitting on the ground with his knees crossed, dumping out every piece of medical equipment in his sylladex and carefully cataloguing it. it's probably not necessary but he just really needs something to do.-

DAVE: -plops next to John and sits- hey

KANKRI: -It sure was kind of crazy with all the reunions, and after he was settled he managed to find John....dumping stuff on the floor with Dave.-

KANKRI: -Awkwardly stays hidden at the doorway to the room to watch for now.-

JOHN: -taking down how much he has of everything on a little note pad. looks round at dave and only dave since kankri is being weird and evesdropping- hey, man.

DAVE: havent seen you in like a month

DAVE: crazy shit huh

JOHN: yeah. if i had to say the shit was anything, i might use the word crazy.

DAVE: what about ape shit

DAVE: we turning this all primate primape reverse darwins theory of evolution

DAVE: we start as fuckin advanced as hell creatures and then just go back to the monkeys

JOHN: is this your roundabout way of expressing that earth really blows because if so i grudgingly gotta agree..earth really blows.

JOHN: i mean i had expectations for how much it was going to blow but the batterwitch really hit it out of the park.

JOHN: which is impressive because the bitch banned base ball.

JOHN: how do you ban baseball.

JOHN: -SOUNDS REALLY BITTER AND HAUGHTY.-

DAVE: you cant ban baseball

DAVE: baseball lives on in our hearts or some shit

DAVE: you either hit a home run or strike out

DAVE: but seriously i forgot all about queen troll

DAVE: until like now

JOHN: i mean...i'll forgive you, seeing as you had a lot of shit on your plate.

JOHN; ...baseball puns.

JOHN: and i'm really glad you were able to make

JOHN: a home run.

DAVE: ... DAVE: terrible

JOHN: c:

DAVE: how would i have gone another day without your goofy ass

JOHN: -feels the urge to hug him again, but he just leans on him instead.-

JOHN: -what if he just kind of sits on all his friends and protects them.-

JOHN: -crushes them lovingly under his ass.-

JOHN: -would this protect them from the 10 billion things that want to kill, hurt and take them away from him.-

JOHN: -these are the questions.-

DAVE: -lets it happen. He can't get too mushy even if he wants to scoop his best friend up in a hug and just stay like that for ten hours. So that's the most he can do. Let him- who the fuck vacations in minnesota

JOHN: -it's okay dave. he understands strider psychology by now. he knows u love him.-

KANKRI: -Finally walking in after watching that whole exchange.- I think that at least s9me pe9ple must have, at the very least 6ef9re all 9f these redicul9us new take 9ver laws that have 6een implemented. Perhaps they name f9r the scenery.

JOHN: maybe they tried to get out of minnesota but they couldn't, so they made the best of it.

JOHN: -ends up talking at the same time as kankri ???-

KANKRI: -Its like they are linked. Except not.-

KANKRI: -Also he is just going to casually sit on the other side of John.-

KANKRI: What are the tw9 9f y9u up t9?

DAVE: its minnesota

JOHN: talking about minnesota and dancing around the fact that dave adores me.

JOHN: -just sitting there like :)-

KANKRI: Yes it is? And what a69ut it 6eing Minnes9ta makes it less desira6le then anywhere else?

JOHN: i'd say "it's an earthling" thing but

JOHN: i don't think that's a thing anymore.

KANKRI: I d9n't kn9w, I think that there still can 6e "earthling things." 

KANKRI: Whatever they c9nsist 9f anyways.

JOHN: then thinking minnesota is a snowy boring wastleland is probably one of them, to answer your question.

JOHN: although idk this place looks pretty nice.

KANKRI: It has 6een the nicest part 9f earth I have visited s9 far.

KANKRI: Then again I d9nt feel like I have adequate experiences t9 c9mpare it t9...

DAVE: -literally just watching them talk so easily with each other and kankri hasn't even gone on a rant yet-

KANKRI: -That's because he feels like he doesn't really need a lot of words for John to get him.-

DAVENFORTH: -In the cool of the morning he finds himself sitting lake side, holding a mirror up to his face and peeling at the bandages around his eye. Great, yeah that was definitely gonna scar. At least he could see, even if it was a bit blurry. His face was started to heal up too, the swelling starting to subside despite there still being bruising.-