#what if i like k*iser now...

[hanrinz]

hahahahhahahhahaha... wtf

[smellstories]

This smell memory is particularly poignant to me because it was the last time I remember my sense of smell overriding all my other senses. The next day I caught a cold and I experienced anosmia after the resulting sinus infection. I was in the Czech Republic. I had returned to the place where my father had spent his summers as a boy, in the Iser Mountains of what used to be Bohemia. It was June, and the weather was warm and humid, and the air was soft and viscous with pollen. We were driving up and over the Jested mountain and had stopped at the car park of a ski lift to admire the view and take some photographs. This mountain has a dense coat of mature spruce and fir, only broken by the ski runs that in June were gleaming emerald tracks down the mountain. The weather was hot, yes, but under the canopy of the trees, the atmosphere was refreshing. As I stood on the winding road beneath the steepest part of the ski slope, cool air poured down from the mountain top like an invisible waterfall, running along the shaded slope between the tree trunks.  And at the same time, the sun-warmed air from the valley rushed up to me from the meadow behind. The cool: mushroom, pine, resin, the fresh scent of flowing mountain streams and blueberry bushes among the mulch on the ground. Rising up from the town below, sweet and warm, was the ripening smell of June. Plants flourishing on the longest days of the year, flowers pushing forth their blossom, hay, and then petrol, and a restaurant in the car park. I stood in the eddy of these two currents and was amazed to feel the cool and smell the darkened woods one moment, and the warm smell of the town fringe the other. It was a striking moment for me, one now so much more meaningful because it was the last true smell memory before my sense of smell disappeared.

Chris K. 58, female, British occured in: Liberec, Czech Republic (Česká Republika) age at the time: 53

[crytype-ifier]

Changelog 1.0.1

Bug Fixes

Word substitutions now work correctly! Huzzah!

“Chaos factor” has been removed for better reworking.  I’ll explain a bit more below.

New Features

New substitution added.

Do you like question marks????? Now you get them and exclamation points!!!!!!!!

When I first created this abomination, I intended for the user to be able to toggle the “chaos factor” of the translation. A lot the text conversion works randomly, and it’s possible to increase the odds. Unfortunately, figuring out a system that scales nicely is easier said than done, and I was more concerned about delivering this joke on time. 😛 

I’ve tweaked a bit of the random-ness, so there may be some funkiness, but ideally you’ll only notice it for the better. As an example, I’ll demonstrate the old and new randomness using a particular bit of copypasta you all seem to be so fond of:

OLD

what tthe fuck did yoou just fcking sy about me, ou little bitch ’ll haee yyou know i graduated op of y class in the navy seals, and i’ve been involved in numeroussecret aids on l-quaed, and i have ver 300 confimed kills. i am train ed in go il la warfre annnd i’m the top sniper in the entir us arme forces. you are nothing to e but just another target. i wil l wipeyou the fuck out wih precision the likes of whichhasnever been sen befor on this earth, mark my ucki ng wo.you tink yucan get away with saying that shit to me over the intenet? think again, fucker. as we spek am con tacting my secret network of sies acossth usa ad our ip i bein g raced right now so yo u beotter prep are for the storrr, mmmaggot.the stor tatt wipes out the pathetic little thing ou call your life. ou’re fucking dead, kid. i can be nwhere, anytime, and i can kill ou n oversevn hund red way, an d ttthaet’s juut wth mmmy bare hands. not onl am i extensivel trained n unarmed combat, bu i hav access to the entire arsenal of the uniuted s tates arine corps and i will uuse it to its full extent to ipe yourm iserable ss off the face fth continent,yo little shit. if only you could have known hat uholy retribution your littte “ccle ver comment was about o bi nggg down uponyou, aybe you o uld h ave held your fucking tgue.but yu oudn’t, you didn’t, and nnnow you’re paying the price,you goddamnidot. i will shit fury all overyoeu and you will drown in it. you’e fucki ng dead, kiddo,,,

NEW

what the fuck dddid u jus t fuckin say abouttt me, u little bitch??? i’ll have u k now i graiduated top of my classs in the navy seals, a nd i’ve been involved in numerous sec ret raids onnn a l-quaeda, and i have over 300 confir med ki lls. i am trained in gorialla warfa rei and i’m the top snipeur in the entire uis armed fo rces. u are nothin to me but just another target. i wioll wipe u the fuck out with preacision the liekes of whic h has never been seen before oun tthis earth, mark m y fuckin words. u think u can get aw ay with sayin that shit to me ovearr the internet?????? think again, fucker. as we spppeak i am contactin my sec ret network of spies across the usa and u ip is b ein traced riaght now so u b etter ppprepaire for the storm, maggot. the storm that wipess out the pathetic little thin u call u life. u re fuckin dead, kid. i can be aonywhere, a nyti me, and i can kill u in over seven hundred waays, and that’s just with my bare hands. not onllly am i extensively trrrained in unarmed combat, but i have access to the entire arsenal of the uni ted states marine corps and i will use it to its full extennnt to wwwiope u miserable ass ouff the face of the cccontinent, u little shi t. iif only u could have knowwn what unholy retribution u little “clever” comment was about to brin down upoun u maybe u would have held u fuckin tongue. but u couldn ’t , u di dn’t, and now u rrre payin thei price, u goddamn idiot. i will shit fury all over u and u willll drown in it. u re fuckin dead, kidddo,,

Try it out on the blog, or check out the full source code.

(Open the blog in a new tab on a non-mobile browser to use the converter.)

All the best,

A Particular Tumblr User