#what im saying is if they start talking positively about tests and even one day and promoting them the same as the endless shit t20 leagues

[kyogos]

its really weird seeing pundits talk about t20 being the format that young people cling to and will be the outlasting format as someone who got into cricket ~6 months via test cricket

[newluvrs]

PARTY 4 U [PT. 3]

Sungchan ₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎  mdni!! 18+ currently listening to: PARTY 4 U - CHARLI XCX word count: 9.7k bb note: im not even gonna lie I think like half of this is smut 😭😭... lets just call it an early birthday gift 2 myself 🙂‍↕️

“What are you thinking about?” 

The room is bathed in a soft light from your bedside lamp, your eyes heavy with sleep.  A glance at the digital clock in your room tells you it’s a little past 3 a.m..  You’re in no mood to leave the current comfort of your bed, and even if you were in the mood, you still wouldn’t.  Not when the person you’re resting against is Sungchan, not when he feels so warm and safe.  This is probably too intimate of a position granted you’re supposed to just be friends with benefits, but sometime between leaving a party with the intention of fucking and actually getting into bed with him, you both changed your minds and settled for the comfort of the other.  It’s the middle of the night, and you’re not in the mood to face the complications of your relationship right now, so you don’t. 

“I’m getting so old.”  

He doesn’t try and conceal his laugh, making it clear that he finds your statement ridiculous.  

“If you’re old then that means I am too.”  

“You’re right my bad.  We’re getting old.”  

That makes him laugh harder, the sound of it making you smile, heart warming. 

“Since when have you been concerned with age.”  

You can hear the sincerity in his voice, his genuine curiosity for something he’s never heard you mention before.  As you lay with your head on his shoulder, he brings a hand to play with your fingers, before settling for intertwining them.  He’s testing his boundaries right now, seeing how affectionate you’ll let him be before you eventually pull away, and he’s grateful when it seems like tonight you don’t feel like making him leave.  

“’m not concerned with age..”  

You trail off and he stays quiet, recognizing that you’re trying to find the right way to word this for him.  You love that he doesn’t rush you, that he waits until you find what it is you want to say.  

“I’m concerned that I’ve made it this far, but that I know so little.”  

He hums in acknowledgement, turning your words over in his head.  He knows that you have a lot on your mind, having talked with you like this many times before.  Admittedly in a less intimate context, but he’s familiar with you enough to know that you need to let everything out before you want to hear from anyone.  You curl into him a little more, moving your head from his shoulder to rest on his chest now.  From this position you can hear his heartbeat, making your eyes feel heavier and causing you to feel more tender.  Something about it makes you want to bare your heart to him, but you guess that’s just what it feels like to be with Sungchan.  

“At what age are you supposed to stop fucking up.” 

It’s mumbled into his chest, and if he wasn’t hanging onto your every word then he might’ve missed it.  His kneejerk reaction is to deny your words, tell you that you’re not a fuckup and that he wishes you saw yourself the way he did, but he knows it’s not what you need.  He presses the urge down, pursing his lips as he hums so that way you know that he heard you.

It’s quiet like that for a few more minutes, and you’re starting to give in to sleep.  His heartbeat is soothing, lulling your eyes closed.  Just feeling and hearing how he’s alive is enough for you to find comfort in.  You wonder if he knows how much it is that he helps you, maybe one day you’ll tell him.  You’re just about to fall asleep when he speaks again.  

“Remember how my car got hit last semester.”  

He thinks you might have fallen asleep when he doesn’t see you move, and secretly he hopes you did so he can stay with you like this a little bit longer.  

“In the H-mart parking lot right?”  

You do remember, you remember because although you felt bad for him, the story was hilarious.  He had just pulled into H-mart towards the back of the lot with the spaces on either side of him completely open.  You’re not sure why he didn’t immediately get out of his car, but you remember that he lingered a little bit before going into the store.  While he was waiting, the car in the space behind him managed to reverse directly into his car.  When Sungchan had left his car to get the other person’s information, all the person did was give him a hug, which he accepted, before they got back into their car and drove away.  When he told your friend group, all of you laughed until you had tears in your eyes.  

“My mom was so pissed at me for not getting their information, and everyone laughed at me for it, especially since it’s considered like the one thing you’re supposed to make sure to do in that situation.” 

You nodded your head, wondering where this was going but eager to hear him speak.  

“Initially I was so mad when it happened, I was already having a bad day and then that.  But when they got out of their car, it was a little old lady.  She was so apologetic.. how was I supposed to make her pay for that?”  

As he recounts the story, he sounds like he’s truly reliving the moment.  All you can picture is Sungchan, already upset after a long day, attitude immediately doing a 180 when he saw how upset the old woman was.  You picture how maybe he saw his own grandma in her, how he would never be able to bring himself to inconvenience someone that way.  It makes you think of how much shit he must have gotten from his parents and his friends, even when he did a good deed.  

“My point is, without context, my actions seem pretty foolish.  To most people, that was me fucking up, but I don’t feel that way..”  

He can feel the way your lips curl into a smile, the feeling making his heart beat a little faster.  You feel like Sungchan always knew what to say to make you feel better.  He knew that you didn’t need to be lectured, but he also knew that you weren’t one to accept mindless compliments.  Instead, he did his best to make sure that you knew that he was always right there with you, through whatever it is you were feeling, finding the middle ground where he could.  You nuzzle into him further, wrapping your arms around him as you close your eyes, ready for sleep.  

“Goodnight, Sungchan.”  

Things might look different in the morning, but you’re okay with what they look like right now.  You feel him pull up the duvet to cover the both of you, he tries not to move too much so as to not disturb you.  You can feel his eyes on you as you drift off, and right before you give into sleep, you feel his lips gently press against the top of your head. 

“Goodnight, y/n.”

-

That memory stings your heart now as you lay here in your bed staring at the ceiling, running moments through your head again and again.  All the warmth has left your room, and what’s left is you, curled up alone in the middle of your bed.  The signs of him that still linger only serve to mock you further, making you come face to face with the memory of what you said.  In the week that has passed you’ve been a shell of a person.  Only able to keep up appearances for work, and even then if someone looked too closely your puffy eyes and morose cadence would give you away.  But if anyone noticed they didn’t mention it, and you’re grateful for at least that.  

You confided in Shotaro 2 days after that night, it had been a tough day with everything going wrong.  Your last straw was your car refusing to start in the middle of the rain, so in your driver’s seat you skipped the scream of frustration and broke down in a mess of tears.  As you pulled up your contact list, your finger lingered a little too long over Sungchan’s contact.  Your mind filled with thoughts of him blocking you, why would he want to talk to you right now, what if you just hurt him more.  You shook the thoughts from your head as you scrolled past his contact and dialed the other person you knew you could trust.  You listened to the hum of each ring, Shotaro picking up on the 3rd one.  

“Y/n? Is everything okay?” 

On the other end of the line you sniffle, staring blankly through your windshield as you let the numbness of heartbreak consume you. 

“My car won’t start.”  

You note the confusion in his voice, and it’s evident in the pause that follows.  You picture him pulling the phone away from his ear to double check that it’s you who called.  On the other end of the line Shotaro wants so badly to ask why you didn’t just call Sungchan, but he can tell by your tone of voice that somethings not right.  When he hears your sniffles he stands to get ready to leave his apartment, gathering his things.

“Send me your location.”  

-

It took him about 5 minutes to get to you, and upon seeing you and the state you were in, Shotaro declared that he would just take you home, making promises to find a way to get your car back to you.  You sit in his passenger seat staring out the window, watching the lights of the buildings go by.  You don’t notice but every 2 seconds Shotaro takes a concerned glance at you through the rearview mirror.  When he notices you shivering he makes sure to turn the heat on in his car, quietly mumbling how summer rain can get cold.  You don’t respond, you just cast your eyes down to pick at your wet clothes.  You wonder if this is how Sungchan felt.  

When he pulls into the parking lot of your apartments, instead of just dropping you off, he parks and shuts off his car.  A beat of silence passes, and you know that he’s waiting for you to start.  You swallow the lump in your throat, letting a new wave of tears fall, accepting that there’s not a whole lot you can do to stop them in this situation.  

“I fucked up.”   

He nods to himself, taking in your words, debating what it is to say next.  He doesn’t think beating around the bush will do you any good, but he wants to be delicate given the state you’re in so he chooses to speak softly.  

“Is this about Sungchan?”  

When he watches the way you clench your eyes closed in an effort to fight the tears, he knows he’s hit the mark.  He reaches a hand out to rub your back, trying to be of comfort as you try and quiet the sounds you make as you cry.  In the passenger seat of his car, you look uncharacteristically fragile.  When you get your voice to feel a semblance of strong enough, you speak.  

“I tried to set him up with Karina because she said he liked him.”  

When Shotaro hears this he cringes, thinking about how it would make him feel, but he knows you better than to think that you would ever do something without a justification in your head.  

“I really thought I was helping him.. I thought maybe I was holding him back from finding the love it is he deserves.. something that he wasn’t finding with me.”

The pain in your voice bleeds through in your final sentence, all your vulnerabilities finally exposed.  From next to you he sighs, and you know he doesn’t do it to mock you.  He’s sympathizing with you, while simultaneously betting to himself that you didn’t convey that pain to Sungchan.  

“He showed up at my door in the rain and confronted me about it.  Somewhere in the middle of our argument he told me he liked me, and I thought he was just saying that to make me feel better.  I panicked and told him I couldn’t do it anymore..”

You hesitate before saying the next part, shutting your eyes in shame.  Like maybe if you close them hard enough you’ll be able to erase the feeling.  

“I told him I never should have let myself believe that we could be together.”  

You cry harder now, guilt overtaking you and making it hard to breathe.  All you can do is shake your head recalling your own recklessness.  

“Shotaro you should’ve seen the look on his face.  He’s gonna hate me forever.”  

You’re no longer trying to stop your sobbing, letting the pain and heartache course through you.  In the worst case scenario in your brain, Sungchan never speaks to you again.  And it’s only been 2 days but you don’t think you can do this forever.  But you’re trying really hard to be patient and wait until he wants to speak to you.  

Next to you Shotaro resists the urge to close his eyes and sighs to himself at his friends’ inability to just be completely honest with the other.  How can 2 people who clearly want each other so bad, be the only 2 people who can’t see it.  He thinks back to how he felt like this was a bad idea, both of you are too vulnerable, keeping things casual not in your vernacular, but he thought you would figure it out.  Even now he knows this can’t be the end of it, but you’re hurting right now, and judging from how he hasn’t seen Sungchan in a few days, he’s hurting too.  

“Sungchan could never hate you, he just needs time.” 

He’s still rubbing your back as you sob, it makes him sad to see his friend this way.  Especially when he feels like all of this could have been avoided easily.

“I know you don’t need me to tell you that both of you messed up because you already know it.  It’s not just you, you might not feel that way, but it took 2 to end up here.”  

It was your slip up that ended the argument, but he knows that Sungchan holds fault in this too.  You both should have just told the other how you feel.  You nod your head at his words, not quite believing them yet as you’re still feeling immense guilt, but you hope one day they’ll click.  He waits until you calm down enough to say his next words, wanting them to stick with you in hope that they comfort you and that you listen to him.  

“I know he’ll come around, and when he does, just be honest with him.”  

-

You hold Shotaro’s words close to your heart in the days following your conversation.  It feels like an impossible task to wait patiently for Sungchan to reach out, but you would wait forever if it meant in the end he would forgive you.  Which is why you do your best not to be heartbroken when Shotaro tells you that after Sungchan’s last exam, he made a trip back home which is where he’s at now.  You recall how he had been homesick towards the end of the semester, so you’re happy as your mind fills with thoughts of Sungchan receiving the love he deserves.  You hope that he’s happy at home, and that despite everything he’s able to have a good time and cherish the moments spent with his family.  

You’re now a full week out from the last time you saw him, and you wake up with hope in your heart for the first time since everything happened.  As the birthday messages roll in in the morning, you’re hoping to see his name pop up in your phone.  But it doesn’t come.  You do your best to stomach the bitter sting as you go throughout your day.  In an effort to soothe it you think about how he’s with his family, and how you don’t want him to think of you if it means ruining that.  But you can’t help but recall the calendar reminder he had proudly displayed to you 2 weeks prior.  

It lingers in your mind as you get ready for your day.  It lingers as you fulfill birthday plans with friends during the afternoon.  It lingers as you decorate your apartment for your party that night.  It lingers so much that by the time it reaches the evening, it feels like it’s eating you alive.  You do your best to remember Shotaro’s words of ‘he’ll come around.’  It’s just so hard.  

You’ve picked up a habit of bouncing your leg these last few days, a manifestation of your anxiety.  You’re doing it now as you sit and watch the clock on your living room wall.  Your last hope is that he shows for your party.  If he doesn’t do that, you’re not sure that there will be any coming back from this.  It’s still an hour out from the designated start time, but the longer you sit here, the more the decorations on your walls start to feel out of place.  The dress your wearing feels more like a costume and less like something you excitedly picked out a month ago in anticipation.  The frilly black fabric shifting with every bounce of your knee.  You fight every urge to get up and go change, instead doing your best to join in on the conversation with the friends who came over early to help set up.  

When people start to trickle in you feel nerves settle in your stomach, unintentionally holding your breath each time the door opens.  Every birthday wish from other people goes in one ear and out the other.  You’re grateful of course, but you can’t help that right now your mind is just elsewhere.  Your friends encourage you to participate in the parties activities, pushing drinks towards you that for the most part go unfinished.  Drinks will only lead to tears.  Through each conversation you smile and laugh, always keeping an eye on the door under the guise of wanting to be a good host.  You catch Shotaro’s eye and he smiles at you sympathetically, the only person here who knows why you’re keeping watch.  

As the night goes on, each minute that passes feels like a lifetime.  Your floors are starting to get sticky with the occasional drink spillage.  The music that plays feels just a tad too loud for your sensitive ears, and someone has definitely thrown up in your guest bathroom by now.  You pray to god that your neighbors forgive you for all the noise.  The mood is starting to shift for you into something a little more somber.  Sungchan deserves time and space, and you know that, but it breaks your heart the more time passes that he’s not here.  When the clock reads 11 p.m., you feel like it’s time to give up hope now.  If he was going to show he would have done so by now right?  

Tears are starting to sting your eyes, and somewhere in the back of your mind you tell yourself that you don’t want to be known as the girl who cried at her own birthday party.  Growing up is supposed to be fun, or at least that’s what has been pushed to you your whole life.  But everything is so awkward and hard.  Like now, you’re aware that you have so many people who care about you, some of which are in the room with you right now.  Yet, all you can think of is the one person who you want to be here right now who isn’t.  You take a glance at the cake that sits on your kitchen counter, counting the amount of candles as you sigh.  Maybe this year you won’t fuck up as bad, maybe this year it’ll be easier.  

When you look up from being lost in thought, you notice how everyone is immersed in their own conversation.  In the back of your head the thought of quietly slipping away finds it’s way into your mind.  You just want to step away and catch a breath, so you can calm down enough and get back to trying to have a good time.  So when the door opens again, you grab your keys and leave, praying that no one follows you.  As you look over your shoulder before shutting the door Shotaro catches your eye again.  You figure it’s good at least 1 person knows of your whereabouts so as you make your way down your building’s stairs you send him a courtesy message.  

You:  Too many sounds and smells, need a min brb :P  

When he doesn’t question it or try and force himself to join you and just responds with a thumbs up, you’re grateful to have such an understanding friend.  Truthfully you don’t really know where you’re going right now, you just wanted to step away for some air.  You contemplated walking to the corner store but that’s probably not the safest idea at this time of night.  As you make the small trek to your car, you’re so lost in thought of where you should go that you don’t notice the headlights coming from behind you.  It’s not until the car rolls to a stop next to you that you’re aware, an all too familiar voice shaking you from your thoughts. 

“y/n?” 

You turn at the sound of your name on instinct, all the feeling in your body leaving you.  

“Sungchan?”

The first thing you notice is that is definitely not his car, the sleek and shiny look a far cry from his beat-up Honda Civic. The second thing you notice is his appearance; you can’t see much but you can see that he’s dressed nicely, shedding his usual street style with something slightly dressier.  Dark tones of the clothing contrasting with his typical muted palette.  It dawns on you with an ache in your chest: you’re matching.  It’s subtle but it’s there, your color scheme looks like it was picked from the same shades.  You notice the present that sits in his passenger seat, glittery white tissue paper sticking out from the baby-blue gift bag.  He clears his throat awkwardly when he notices you staring.

“Were you going somewhere?”

You totally forgot the entire reason you were even out here, your car keys still intertwined in your fingers.  You don’t say anything, just motioning behind you like that explains everything, still in shock at seeing him.  But Sungchan doesn’t care, instead he seizes the opportunity in front of him.  

“Do you want a ride?” 

You don’t even think before you’re nodding your head, shaky legs carrying you over to his passenger side.  He moves the gift to his backseat so you’re able to sit.  When the door closes you try and sneak glances over at him.  Still unable to look him in the eyes, but trying to take in his proximity to you right now.  You’re bouncing your knee again and Sungchan notices, taking in the way the black fabric of your dresses moves with you.  There’s still an awkward air in the car, like there’s so much to say but neither of you know how to say it.  Instead, Sungchan puts the car in drive, taking you away from your apartment.  

“Where did you want to go?”  

You turn the question over in your head, still trying to work up the courage to look at him.  

“Somewhere we can talk.”  

When you look over at him to gauge his reaction you see a small smile make it’s way onto his lips.  Seeing it makes you feel like a fire has erupted in your chest, hope making it’s way back into your heart again.  As the city lights pass the two of you sit in silence, but it’s a comfortable one.  You both know that the other is waiting until you’re able to be in one place to say what you want to say.  The closer you get to your destination, the more you’re starting to recognize the sights of your drive.  He’s taking you to his place.  You think back to all the times you’ve made this drive and the feelings you felt then.  You can’t quite name how it is you’re feeling right now, but you know that this is definitely different from all of those times.  

In the quiet of your own thoughts, you don’t notice how Sungchan is sneaking glances at you.  Doing his best to resist the urge to reach out and touch you just to prove to himself that you’re close to him again.  He white knuckles the wheel the entire drive to his place, feeling relieved when the two of you finally pull into the parking garage of his complex.  You on the other hand feel a wave of nerves come over you as he pulls into his designated spot.  When he turns off the car and settles into the driver’s seat, you try and rack your brain for a place to start.  You spare a glance at the clock on your phone, noting the time:  11:32.  

“It’s late.” 

You say it without any vitriol behind it, simply just looking for something to say to fill the quiet space.  Sungchan knows this, but he still internally cringes at the time, recalling the events of his day.  

“I wanted to be here earlier I really did.  My piece of shit car wouldn’t start.. this is actually my moms.”

He scratches at the back of his head as he says it, slightly embarrassed about having to take his parent’s car.  

“But you still made it.”

He looks up at you when you say it, picking up on the joy in your voice.  When he catches your gaze he can see all of the emotion that lies in it, thinking that his probably looks the same.  

“Of course I did.”  

The way he looks at you sets your nerves alight, and you have to look away to resist the urge to kiss him.  You smile down at your lap, playing with the tulle of your dress, examining the way it lies against your skin.  You pick at a loose thread as you think of a way to say the next part, knowing that you’re going to have to confront the pain it is that both of you went through.  

“I didn’t mean what I said.. you know about us not being together.”

He’s looking at you now and your heart breaks at the fear in his eyes.  The urge to skip the conversation just so you can hold him close makes itself present.  You do your best to move past the discomfort when you recall Shotaro’s words about being honest.  Something about the quietness of the parked car makes everything feel more intimate.  Each of your words holding a little more weight than usual.  

“I think being with you is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but that’s only because I spent the whole time thinking that there’s no way it could have meant anything to you outside of the sex… like it had to be too good to be true.”  

As you recall your feelings you close your eyes, trying to push down the pain.  Your own heart aches for how you felt, you pick at your nails in an effort to keep yourself here right now instead of in the past.  Sungchan can’t help but feel like you feel so far away right now, despite your close proximity.  He wants to hold your hand through every word, sit with you and walk through how it is you feel.  But he sees how much effort it’s taking you to open up and he doesn’t want to ruin it. 

“Having so much of you and none of you at all was eating me up inside.. I thought maybe I was holding you back from the love you deserve to feel and I let my own insecurities get to me.  I’m so sorry Sungchan.  I should’ve said it sooner but I knew you needed space.”  

After all of the words are out, you feel so small.  All of your feelings exposed to the one person who they centered around.  A moment passes, with your words just sitting in the air as you stare at your lap.  When he reaches a hand out to grab yours you feel like you might die.  

“The truth is, after I  left, I immediately wanted to turn back around.”

He lets out a laugh when he recalls that moment.  That was how he knew that all he was ever gonna want was you.  

“I only ever wanted things to go at your pace, which is why I went so long without saying anything.  Honestly I was fine with everything as long as I was next to you.” 

You squeeze his hand at those words, feeling overcoming you.  As you take in his words you can’t help but notice how similarly the both of you were thinking.  He stares at where your fingers are interlocked, thinking about how back then he never had the guts to just reach for your hand.  

“I think I should have been braver and just told you how I feel.”

You shake your head at his words, thinking to yourself that you should have done the same.  His thumb brushes over your knuckles, a comforting motion for the both of you.  There’s one thought that still lingers in your brain, your biggest fear in all of this.  When you speak your voice is a whisper, words hanging heavy to you in the small interior of the car.  

“I thought you were gonna hate me forever.”

“I could never hate you.” 

His response is immediate, looking at you as he says it like he needs you to at least hear that.  You stare at his face, taking him in for the first time in a week.  He looks a little tired, like his rest hasn’t been well, mirroring your own.  But he’s still the prettiest boy ever.  You can’t help yourself now, reaching a hand across the small space between you to touch his face.  The moment is delicate, an indication that all is resolved.    He sits up from the driver’s seat abruptly, like he just remembered something before reaching into his backseat.  He pulls out the gift bag from earlier, placing it in your hands excitedly.

A smile makes its way to your face as you pull apart the paper.  He watches on expectantly, as you come face to face with a small black box sitting at the bottom.  You open it to see a delicate necklace; a simple gold chain with a sun engraved pendant.  He remembers his trip to the mall with Shotaro, how he agonized over finding the perfect gift to display what it is you meant to him.  When he saw the necklace he thought about how nicely it would lay against you, silently hoping that every time you saw it you would think of him.  

As you take it from the box he silently awaits your approval, and it comes when you smile at him and place a kiss on his cheek.  You push it into his hands as you lean forward, Sungchan taking the hint immediately.  Gently, he places the necklace on you, fingers brushing the back of your neck as he messes with the clasp.  The accidental touch sends shivers down your spine, but you do your best to will it away right now.  

“Happy birthday.”

The second the words leave his lips you’re leaning forward over the console of the car to kiss him.  It’s gentle, the way you press your lips to his, Sungchan bringing a hand up to cup your face.  It reminds you of the first time you kissed and you can’t help but smile fondly against his lips at the thought.  He deepens the kiss as you place your hands against his chest to keep yourself steady.  The both of you think about how right this feels, like you were always meant to end up in this moment.  When you pull away to catch your breath, a thought pops into your head.  

“No birthday text?”

You’re just messing with him, trying to make the mood a little lighter but it’s funny to see the way he scrambles to explain himself. 

“I thought it would be too awkward.. you know given the circumstances.”

“..Are you gonna make it up to me?”

When you say those words with a bite to your lip, it has Sungchan immediately leaning in to kiss you again.  You pull away just before he’s able to reach you, a frown making it’s way onto his face at the action.  

“I love you but I’m not about to fuck you in your mom’s car.” 

“Who said we were gonna have sex?”

You roll your eyes at him, hitting his shoulder as he just laughs from beside you.  He steps out of the car, running to your side to get the door for you before you can open it yourself.  It always makes you giggle but deep down you find it extremely endearing of him.  You lead the walk up to his apartment, his proximity to you making you nervous with each step.  He keeps his hands low on your hips as he trails behind you to urge you forward and all it does is send heat between your thighs.  The short fabric of your dress bounces with every step and it drives Sungchan fucking crazy.  He’s practically vibrating from excitement when the two of you finally make it up to his, fumbling with his keys.  You would make fun of him for it, but you’re not faring much better.  

Once your finally inside he’s crowding you against his door, his large frame towering over you.  He brings a hand to cup your jaw, thumb brushing over your bottom lip in the same way he did it for the first time all those weeks ago.  You shy away from his gaze, looking down to try and settle your heart, but he’s not having any of it.  He brings his face closer to yours, lips just barely brushing against yours as he speaks.

“where’d all your boldness go?”

Self-satisfaction bleeds through his chest at the way you can’t look at him.  When the two of you are like this, it’s evident the effect he has on you.  He presses you further into the door, moving closer to you so a leg is between yours.  The lack of having him like this for 2 weeks makes everything feel just on the verge of too much.  When you don’t respond he kisses at your neck, a silent ‘hm?’ leaving him like he’s expecting a response.  He’s grateful for the bareness of your shoulders that your dress allows.  You tilt your neck to the side to allow more room for him as he places a hand on small of your back to press you closer to him.  When you feel his teeth sink into your shoulder you can’t help but whimper, grabbing his shirt in your hands to give you stability.  

Sungchan missed all your sounds, and he missed how sensitive you were.  Each reaction you have to his touch sending him to cloud 9.  The week not talking to you was hell, and although it was the last thing on his mind at the time, the two weeks of not being inside of you was also hell.  His proximity to you in this moment makes him feel like he’s high.  When he feels you shyly grind against his thigh as his lips press against your pulse, he feels like he’s gonna go crazy.  

His lips are back on yours again, the hand on the small of your back urging you to keep moving against him.  As you drag your hips against him you let out little gasps into his mouth as he kisses you through it.  You’re mostly doing the movement yourself, Sungchan’s hand on your back just a silent guide.  It makes you feel dirty as you really take in how you can feel the fabric of his pants on your cunt through your panties.  He can feel the heat radiating from you as you grind on his thigh and it makes him groan.  He pulls away from you then, watching the way you move your hips on your own, eyes closed in bliss as you give yourself over to the feeling.  The sight makes him bite his lip, an idea popping into his head.  Slowly he brings a hand to slide one of your dress straps off your shoulder, playing with the necklace that rests against you, making sure you feel the way his fingers glide against you.  He trails kisses from your shoulder up to your ear, making sure to leave an occasional bite. 

“Just feels so good, hm?”  

As he says this he presses his leg further into you, the new angle making you whine.  The sensations are overwhelming, and Sungchan is using that to his advantage.  You haven’t even made it to his bedroom and you’re practically already falling apart for him, the thought making him painfully hard.  Foreplay with you was always one of his favorite things, he revels in finding out what it takes to get you worked up.  He makes it a silent game with himself to try and see how worked up he can get you to be before he finally gives into what you want.  This is one of those times.  

When he feels your hips speed up in an effort to chase more pleasure, he abruptly pulls away from you.  Without him there to keep you up you nearly collapse against his door, his arm catching you before you give way.  When you look up at him for the first time since making it into his place, the look on his face makes him looks like he wants to swallow you whole.  It only makes you want him more as he pulls you down the hallway of his apartment into his bedroom.  Slowly, he backs you up towards his bed until the back of your knees are hitting the edge.  For a second he just stands there, admiring the way you’re practically shivering.  He brings a hand up to your jaw, tilting your face towards his.  

“What are you so shy for?”  

He smiles mockingly at you as he says it, fully aware of the way he makes you feel.  Typically when you sleep together he never says anything about having to take the lead.  But something about today makes him feel the need to play with you more.  

Instead of answering him, you sit on his mattress, spreading your legs as you do so in an attempt to tell him what you want.  And if that wasn’t enough, you push your hands up the skirt of your dress, hooking your fingers into the sides of your panties before you slowly start to drag them down.  His reaction is almost immediate, collapsing in front of you as he places his hands over yours to help you pull them down.  You would make fun of him for it if you weren’t just as desperate.  

He throws them somewhere on his bed before you feel his fingers trailing their way up the tops of your thighs; you can’t help the way you automatically try and prop your hips up for him.  You both watch the way his hand slides under your dress before disappearing under the fabric.  He looks at you when he finally makes contact with your core.  Sungchan practically moans when he discovers just how wet you are as his fingers explore you.  When he just barely brushes over your sensitive clit, your hips buck into his hand.  It’s completely unintentional and Sungchan can’t help but find it so fucking hot.  He presses his fingers harder into your clit, preening at the way you whine out his name.  

As he starts to rub in circles you fall back against his bed, the feeling just too good.  Sungchan breaks away from you briefly so he can climb on top of you.  Sitting up next to you so he can see all of you.  When you reach a hand out to grab onto the hand that’s propping him up his heart melts.  He leans down to kiss you, fingers continuing to pull you apart just by playing with your clit.  His hand is practically soaked at this point and he resists the urge to bring it to his mouth so he can taste you.  Impatience getting the best of him as he moves two of his fingers to prod at your entrance.  You feel so hot right now against his fingers and if he thinks about it too long, Sungchan thinks he may start to feel dizzy.  

“Such a messy little baby.”

It’s mumbled against your lips as he finally presses his fingers into you, making your eyes roll to the back of your head. He presses kisses all over your face as he eases his fingers in gently, shallowly thrusting to get you to open up for him.  He thinks about how much he missed this feeling and how he’s never gonna give it up again.  When he sinks in all the way to his knuckles he stays there for a minute, enjoying the way you feel wrapped around him.  

He catches you starting to try and move your hips on your own, amused at the way you’re trying to fuck yourself on him right now.  Instead of making fun of you for it, he slowly starts thrusting them in and out, making sure to press against your upper walls with each slide into you.  You bring your knees up to your chest so he can slide in at a better angle, and when you do the feeling is heavenly.  You can hear the sounds your pussy is making and it makes your cheeks burn, hands coming up to hide your face.  All Sungchan can do is coo down at you, leaning down on his elbow instead of resting on his hand so he can be closer to you.  

“My pretty birthday girl.”  

You missed his pet names so much, a possessive feeling overcoming you at the thought of how often you’ll get to hear them now.  You turn your head to the side, and when you do you see your panties.  Sungchan follows your gaze, looking at the delicate piece of fabric that lays against his sheets.  As he stares at them it makes him think of the other pairs you’ve given to him, starting with the first pair you gave him the first night you hooked up.  You never asked him what he did with them, just handing them over to him if you caught him looking at them too longingly.  Eventually they would be returned to you anyway, but as you stare at them curiosity burns through you.  It’s like Sungchan reads your mind, because as you stare at them he speaks up.  

“Do you want to know what I do with your panties?” 

The look on his face is mischievous, eyes full of lust as he spares a glance down to where his fingers are still buried deep within you.  You feel a third start to press against your opening as you nod your head.  When he gently starts working the third one into you he tells you.  

“I keep them for the nights when I’m really horny but can’t get to you..”

After his fingers are sunk all the way in he stills them again, letting you adjust to the stretch of the additional finger.  

“When I just can’t get the way you sound out of my head.. every little reaction.. the way your eyes get watery when you want to cum.. the way you take everything I give you so nicely..”

Sungchan can physically feel the way his words are affecting you, each dirty sentence that falls from his lips causing you to squeeze down around his fingers.  It only fuels the fire he has to keep going, making eye contact with you as he speaks.

“I just can’t help but touch myself to the thought of you, you make me so hard it hurts.. but sometimes it’s just not enough.” 

He shakes his head as he says this for emphasis. He’s moving his fingers now, thrusting all 3 of them into you at a steady pace, the way his knuckles rub against you feeling heavenly.  

“In those moments, I take your panties and I wrap them around me as I get off.  It’s kind of cute it’s like you’re there with me.”

He smiles sweetly as he says this, like he didn’t just confess to you that he jerks off with your panties.  

“If I need you really bad, sometimes I’ll just breathe them in.  I can always still smell you on them and it drives me crazy.”  

His dirty confession makes you feel like your whole body is on fire.  You think about Sungchan in this very room, lights dim as he jerks off with one hand holding your panties to his face.  You think about him with them wrapped around his cock.  You think about how he’s returned every pair to you after about a week, and how you’ve gone on to wear them again.  You’re starting to think perhaps he’s a little more possessive than he lets on.  When he sees the dazed look on your face as you take in what he says he feels satisfied.  He can feel you clenching around him sporadically now, making sure his palm is grinding into your clit.  When your body seizes up he’s right there next to you, kissing you through your first orgasm of the night.  It’s sweet the way he tries to ground you with gentle presses of his lips against yours as you cling to him like he’s your lifeline.  Sungchan thinks he might pass out at the way you clamp down so tightly around him, imagining how you’ll feel wrapped around him.  He’s brought back to the present when he feels you start to push on his hand, the sensitivity a little too much.  

He let’s out a sheepish ‘sorry baby’ before he gently slides his fingers out of you.  You lie there, just breathing and trying to catch your breath as Sungchan presses the occasional kiss to your face, just observing you.  

“You okay baby?” 

There’s genuine concern in his voice, and it makes you feel warm inside the way he checks up on you.  

“’m good.”  

You smile up at him, bringing a hand to his face so you can cup his cheek like you did earlier.  

“You’re so pretty, Sungchan.”

You find it amusing how he blushes at the compliment, like he didn’t just have his fingers buried in you.  You sit up from your place on the bed and he follows your lead.  He’s so hard it hurts, but if you were done for the night then he wasn’t gonna say anything.  When you reach a hand to start palming him he feels like he might combust.  He stills your hand, stopping you from touching him so he can check in on you.  

“You want more?”  

You pout your pretty lips at him, nodding like it’s the most obvious thing in the world because of course you do.  

“I need you inside me.”  

He definitely wasn’t expecting you to say those words, shock evident on his face making you smirk.  Truthfully you can only be bold when your head is completely clear, your post orgasm clarity giving you a level head enough to fuck with him right now.  He gets up from the bed to take off his clothes, finally revealing himself to you.  When he takes off his shirt, you blatantly ogle him, having been deprived of the sight for too long.  You move to stand so you can pull off your own dress but he stops you before you can.  

“Leave it on.”  

His request sends heat down your spine, making you needy again.  You watch as he makes his way to his bedside drawer to grab a condom, words falling from your mouth before he can reach for the handle.  

“Wait”

He looks up at you, confused as of to why you stopped him so suddenly.  You look away shyly, trying to find a less awkward way to say what you want to say, but you find that there isn’t one.  

“We don’t need one..”  

He stares at you like a deer in the headlights, shocking him yet again.  Don’t get him wrong the prospect is exciting and makes him feel like he might die, but he has to double check.  

“You sure?”

“Please.”

That’s all it takes before he’s finding himself back to you on his bed, sitting up against his headboard.  You make your way over to him and he helps you climb up on top of him.  When you feel the familiar touch of his strong hands helping you in place you just about lose it.  If there’s a feeling you can claim that you missed the most it’s definitely that one.  He pulls down the top of your dress to expose your tits as you’re sat back on his thighs.  He leaves kisses all over your chest, sucking marks where he can as you press your chest closer to his face.  When he's satisfied he pulls away, pulling you closer to him so your hips hover over his.  

You’re sat on top of his lap, dress now hiked up around your waist as you cling to his shoulders.  Nails pressed into his skin, you shook with the effort to hold yourself up as he slid his cock through your folds, gathering your wetness.  Each slide against your clit had you gasping, doing your best to stay still as he prepped himself.  When his tip caught on your hole you couldn’t help but whine, composure slipping slightly as you pressed yourself down, nearly fitting the head in before you felt his strong grip on your waist, pulling you back up. 

“Let me take my time.”

You shiver at the display of strength and authority, clenching around nothing as he goes back to sliding his cock between your folds.  Sungchan was always patient with you, doing whatever it is that you wanted when the two of you fucked. Seeing him take what it is that he wanted instead of giving into you immediately only made you more turned on.  So you sat there as he toyed with you, his satisfaction growing at seeing you be so desperate for him, taking what he gives you without complaint even if it’s just minor touches to your clit.  When your head starts to droop, he leans forward, mouth next to your ear as he speaks.  

“You want it baby?”  

When you feel him prodding at your entrance again you let out an embarrassingly loud whimper.  

“Please Sungchan”

He slides through your folds again and you nearly wail, impatience growing within you.  

“But I dunno if it’s gonna fit baby.. it’s been two weeks..”  

He pouts at you in faux sympathy, withholding himself from you to make you frustrated.  When you feel him bite your earlobe as he teases your entrance again before sliding away you finally break.  

“Sungchan it hurts, you’re being so mean..” 

Your voice is so whiny when it comes out you barely recognize it.  He pulls away from your ear at the sound to look at you and the sight nearly makes him lose all of his self-control.  Your eyes are hazy with lust, a frown worn on your pretty face, your kiss-swollen bottom lip quivering, birthday dress completely disheveled; he really has pulled you apart.  

“Please make it better, just need you to make it all better it’s been so long.”

Hearing you beg for him, it takes all his strength and then some to not push into you without warning.  But it’s been too long and he doesn’t want to hurt you, no matter how mean he’s being right now.  

“Am I being mean to my sweet girl?”

He laughs to himself when you nod your head.

“Want me to kiss it better, hm?”

“What I really want is for you to fuck me.”

He senses the snark starting to creep into your words with your growing impatience and in an effort to show you where the power really lies right now he rests the head at your entrance.  It takes his everything not to laugh in your face when immediately your demeanor changes, eyes going soft and jaw going slack.  He would do this all night to you if you let him, but his resolve crumbles the next time you speak.

“Sungchan please.. ‘s still my birthday.  Want to be spoiled by my boyfriend..”  

You know you’ve got him when you hear the way his breath stutters in his chest, hand on your waist tightening.  It’s like he’s in a trance the way he leans forward to kiss you, it’s messy and when he pulls away he’s leaving open mouthed kisses on your neck.  Finally, finally, he’s pushing in, giving in to what you want and what he’s been making you wait for.  It’s so agonizingly slow, you know it’s for your own good but even then you’re just so impatient.  When you feel the head slide past that tight ring, you feel the air get knocked out of you, it’s just been too long.  Sungchan’s not faring much better, teeth grit with his hands on your waist, trying to remind himself that he needs to take his time for you, no matter how wet and hot you feel on his bare cock.  You’re just so tight, and with each bit he pushes in further it’s like you just get tighter.  

“Let me in baby.”

“’m trying.”

The way you’re clenching around him is almost too much to handle, but you can’t help it.  In the two weeks the two of you have spent apart you’ve managed to forget just how full he makes you feel.  You’re shaking like a leaf with each inch he slides in, the stretch just bordering on too much.  When you finally feel your hips touch his you try and relax against him but you’re just so sensitive.  You press your face into the crook of his neck as you try and even out your breathing. 

“Still with me?”  

You don’t trust your voice right now so you just nod, keeping your face hidden.  Sungchan lets you take your time, waiting for you to make the first move.  He can feel the way you’re clenching around him as you try and adjust to the size, fingers digging into your sides at the feeling.  When you experimentally rock your hips he lets out a groan, nearly crying when you motion for him to start helping you.  

He helps guide you up, taking it slow as you sink down.  The first thrust stealing all the air from your lungs.  In this position he’s just so deep, it feels like you can feel him everywhere.  You continue with your slow pace, Sungchan being patient as you try and get used to the feeling.  He presses a kiss to your temple, waiting for you to let him guide the pace. You sit up and all you have to do is pout at him, Sungchan immediately taking the hint.  

His grip on your sides gets tighter, and you revel in the thought of there being marks left on you again after so long.  When he starts controlling the pace, helping you rock up and down, you bite at his shoulder.  The sounds you make only fuel him to start bringing his hips up to meet yours.  When he does he feels you cling onto him tighter, scratching at the tops of his shoulders.  

He knows he’s fucking you good, and it strokes his ego so much, knowing that only he can have you this way.  He looks down at where your connected, bunching the skirt of your dress up so he can see it fully.  The sight of him sinking in and out of you fills him with a sense of possessiveness, but also with a sense of pride.  Because now he knows that its him that you want.  

“Sungchan.”

You moan his name so sweetly he wants to hear that sound for the rest of his life.  He pulls you away from the crook of his neck to really look at you.  You’re so disheveled, looking the epitome of fucked out.  He knows that he’s not gonna last very long, and judging by the way you’re squeezing around him he can tell you aren’t either.  He puts all of his effort into fucking you as good as he can, each thrust hitting you just right.  You hear him whine as he’s getting close, his movements growing sloppy.  When you finally cum it triggers his own release, his head falling into the crook of your neck as he thrusts up into you.  He shivers as he fucks himself through it, the feeling of filling you up at the forefront of his mind.  Like clockwork he asks what he always asks, but it means something different this time.  

“mine?”

“all yours.”

He collapses against the headboard when he finishes riding out his high, holding you in his arms.  You’re both a mess of sweat and sex, but it doesn’t bother either of you.  You know that the cleanup has to eventually come, but you’d rather sit in this moment a little longer.  When his fingers trace along your back, he feels nervous at the question lingering on his lips. 

“Want to go on a date tomorrow?”  

He feels the way you hold him a little tighter, pressing a kiss to his shoulder before looking at him.  

“Of course.”

[chaoticmannamedoliver]

Okay so, below is a health ish update and a vent about my former GP- cause they did smth that feld dehumanizing. This is mostly just so other people who might have similar health issues to me, can point me into right directions....im iffy about doctors rn-

Contents:

- stupid thing my GP did

- listing of my pains i have that neither of my 2 GP's ive been to acknowledged or bothered with. If you have something similar or know ANYTHING, i really need help, even just little things to make it easier.

- So, what my last gp did -

So i had an appointment with her recently that i took my boyfriend too since he was visiting me anyway- love him

I sat down, and the whole appointment was just a disappointment. She basically gave up on figuring out why im dizzy or why my blood pressure is so high with 18. I asked what im supposed to do with my heart, what im supposed to do about the dizzy- that i came to her for answers- but the woman who seemed so keen on finding out whats wrong with me, cursing my first gp for just prescribing me HBP Meds without further research and who daid she loved working with young adults...just apparently gave up n said is nothing n that i should just continue talking my meds. I had my shitty ass cane to the appointment with me, which she asked about - and i said it helped me with my dizzy, to which she rolled her eyes

She offered one more test, probably just to get me out and left for a bit to talk with a doctor. In the meantime i had a breakdown because i got no answers- and didn't get any further.

When she came back, she told me to get up and go straight, i asked to where exactly- then she grabbed my arm, took my cane from me and with a very uncomfortable grip, dragged me to the waiting area in front of the room for the last test and sat me down, giving the cane to my probably very taken aback partner who had followed us and mutteredthat i didn't need it and. I had another breakdown and didn't understand what happened yet- but it felt bad, dehumanizing?? GP asked me not to cry, and that what she did was just to give me courage and then just left. It felt like she never listened to anything i said- and i still don't know what to make of what happened - if anyone has suggestions- do tell? It felt....hurtful

- My issues and ows and whatnot -

So, there are a few, especially now that i have someone who actually tells me that they're not normal.

- my feet/heels start hurting after 5 ish minutes of standing

- i get dizzy if i stand for a minute or two on bad days and good days it kicks after 1-10 minutes

- heat and shower makes dizzy worse. A sitting think in the shower would make it better

- i have too high blood pressure if i don't take the meds.

- no, the dizzy doesn't come from any ear organ stuff. Tested that.

- the dizzy had gotten. Better after the meds, now its hard to tell.

- sometimes my gravity just says no.

- after maybe 30 min to an hour of walking, my feet/heels hurt. After a certain point i get dizzy. Then no amount of break will fix it. I need to lay down.

- without my cane, walking feels heavy. Please let me use my cane for fucks sake im going to hit the next doctor who says i don't need it i swear to GOD.

- growth pain. After a day of walking. Or cleaning. My knees and shins hurt. Especially once im laying again. They hurt so much that i want to claw at them. Take them out. Agony. Luckily ive started to recognize the kinda pain early and take a paracetamol- but without it? Not matter what position, im in pain

I don't think im supposed to have growth pain anymore with almost 19, right?

- when i get dizzy, the ground feels like its zooming away from me

- i was born at the end of the 6th month? If that helps any-

- inherited migraines from my dad- also just side info

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey, so it seems that everyone is coming out to you so I though why not.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m Pansexual or Bi or something else entirely and honestly it’s kinda confusing (I’m female btw). I mean I don’t rly care abt gender but I find myself attracted to females ALOT more. So yeah idk. Maybe gender does make a difference. But then I don’t like the label Bisexual because it implies that you are attracted to males and females only and not people outside of that.

And also when it comes to coming out to people I kinda feel stuck. What do I say? All of my friends know (they’re also queer) but we never really came out to each other we all just kinda were like “hey! that girl looks good” and went along being gay af. But bc we all just knew abt each other we never really talked abt sexualities and stuff.

And on top of that I’m fairly sure my parents wouldn’t be supportive and no one I know irl can relate to that bc all of my friends parents are accepting.

I feel like I’m complaining over nothing. Im sorry 😫😫. But still love yah and hope you have a nice day 🫶

Hi! <3

I actually can relate to this first part SO much (as far as pan versus bi). When you say you don't care about gender, that sounds like pan to me. But then you say you have a preference, so is that still pan? I've wondered that for myself.

Here's what I have realized: Firstly, YOU are the person who decides who you are, so whatever label feels best (or none at all) is totally fine, even if it doesn't match someone else's definition. However, for me, I think it helped to think of sexual attraction as different than romantic attraction.

For example, perhaps you can find yourself sexually attracted to someone regardless of their gender. BUT, romantically, you prefer girls? To me, that would still be pan, but perhaps you are homoromantic (meaning you only enjoy romantic relationships with the same gender).

Or it could be that you could possibly see yourself both sexually attracted to someone regardless of gender and having a romantic relationship with someone regardless of gender- you just are more likely to want those things with girls. That's okay, too, and could still be considered pan! It's okay to have preferences!

To make this more simplistic, if we stick to a gender binary (which we shouldn't, obviously, but let's do it for a second for simplicity's sake)- a traditionally bisexual person is rarely attracted to boys and girls at a 50/50 split. Maybe they like girls 70 percent of the time and boys 30 percent of the time. That doesn't make them any less bisexual. So, the same holds true with pan. Maybe you mostly see yourself with girls, but also think boys are pretty cool, and nonbinary people are sometimes attractive, and agender people can sometimes be cute, etc, etc.

All of this to say, pick whatever label feels good to you (or none at all! I also frequently just say to people that I'm queer.)

As far as coming out, I think some people are under the impression that it has to be a big thing. It only has to be a big thing if you want it to be. It seems like your friends already know that you're not straight. If that's all you want to say, you don't owe them any more of an explanation or a label.

BUT if you want to come out, go ahead! Sounds like they'll be supportive, so remind yourself that they are safe for you and bring it up in a more intentional way. "Hey, I have a crush on this girl, what do you think?" or "Hey, so you know I'm not straight, right? It's cool that we all are so accepting of that stuff." I think you'll find your friends will be receptive, since they're not straight, either.

As far as your parents, that's trickier. It sounds like you still live with them, so coming out to possibly unaccepting people who have control over you can be sticky. If it were me, I would first do a bit of testing. Mention queerness in a hypothetical way or in a "I know someone who..." way. See how they react. If they react positively, you could start dropping hints. If they react negatively, consider the pros and cons to telling them. Is it worth it to come out because you would be sharing your authentic self? If yes, have a plan if things go poorly. Have a support system to talk to and to go to. If you find that it's not worth it, there's no shame in that, either.

But it's important to know you are NOT complaining over nothing. This is tough stuff and it's hard to navigate.

I'm here to talk if you need me! <3

[1d1195]

Hi Sam!! I feel like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve talked to you even though I think it’s been just a couple of days 😭 I’ll explain in another ask bc it’s gonna be another long ramble lol btw I don’t feel any pressure responding back so don’t worry! I WANT to chat always!

ANYWAYS so I have just finished reading part two and three of honey and bestie IM OBSESSED!!! FOAMING AT THE MOUTH FOR CEORRY!! I need him badly like idc when will it be me?!? Anyways LOVED seeing jealous Harry it’s so hilarious when it’s with Niall like I love their banter! But ngl I love seeing Harry spiral over another guy 🤭 but also fuck the guy the MC went on a date with bc that’s so not cool!!! Also the MC is just so perfect like she so good with Cece my heart hurts from how cute it is! Now that little dream that Harry had was WILD and I didn’t expect that lol AHH loved part two!

Now part three omg! The drama of it all omg! LOVED IT! The fact that they ended in the hospital and the way Harry talked to her… she’s braver than me bc I would absolutely start crying! And then I would just be so angry bc I’m stubborn and will simply not let a man talk to me like that 😁 BUT this is ceorry so he gets a pass bc i need him badly🙄 plus I would be terrified if my child was in that position! But omg don’t get me started on her catching him basically looking so lovesick and gone for her 😭 Anyways ugh omg she’s just so perfect omg and I kinda loved that Harry was missing her a bit when she was away! And bestie you know loved that Harry had to suffer a bit hearing Niall’s convo her her🤭

Ahhh LOVED PART THREE! Also so loving this slow burn effect on this story, I’m obsessed! You’re so amazing!

Btw can’t believe I missed two polls for honey😭 bestie my vote would have been for a cliffhanger bc I love the suspense!!

The way academic rivals MC will be grumpy… IM GONNA EAT IT UP!! And I’m so excited to see exactly what you’ve been hinting at for future stories!

Grocery shopping is a personal hell sometimes lol I guess the best way to describe it is that it can get a bit overwhelming/overstimulating depending on how crowded and the overall vibe of the store I’m in. Some days I can handle it better than others lol I’m sure everyone was so over being stuck inside during Covid so I don’t blame lol I actually prefer doing dishes but I do agree baking is definitely preferred than cooking!

I never was classified as “gifted” through exams bc I literally have terrible test anxiety that I don’t do well lol BUT I was definitely always considered a higher performing student even though test like that didn’t technically show it. And bestie you’re so smart like you don’t even know!!!(Also I have beef with standardized test like that but tbh that’s a whole other topic lol) but knowing how much of a hard worker you are it makes sense that you’re sadly going through some sort of burn out. I’ve realized it happens more often and sometimes it’s really hard to get out of. Lowkey I’ve been so burned out since I was like 18 ish and have been just trying to barely function lol. So I can totally get how frustrating all of this may feel!

I can assure you that people do care about what you write! And I’m being honest when I say if you ever choose to publish whether it be through self publishing or traditional, you absolutely have the potential to succeed in that! Bestie I swear the stories that you put out already exceed works that are already published! And you’ve mentioned how you want to indulge in longer stories(I support it!) so I feel like if you find a story line you like or even revamping a current one you’ll be amazing! I know engagement is so weird rn bc the culture has kinda changed. As well as how some people view writers and stuff which sucks. But you are so loved and so are your stories! But always do what’s best honestly!

Alsoooo hope your first week back teaching went amazing! You know that I’m sending you love!!!-💜

OH MA'AM I'm ALWAYS going to answer all your asks no matter the length! I was thinking our communication was a little delayed! No worries at all (I'll address why and such in the other ask too!)

FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. Same. I think Niall's harmless towards Harry (in all my stories) it's why I enjoy it so much. I know you weren't a huge 1D fan but there's this clip of an interview or something when they're in a car and basically Niall's like "Ireland is the best city in the world" and Harry goes "No." and then looks out the window wistfully. 😭 So I've just been riding that banter for my whole life it seems. I love an overprotective man 😍 one of my favorite tropes. "Touch her and die" = me swooning. YES. Idk I thought the dream was cute hehehe

I WOULD HAVE SOBBED. My alternate timeline for this story would be that one scene and she just has a full blown sob-fest and begs Harry to keep her job and then he feels like an ASS and probably asks her to marry him right there (and then Honey is done half way through part 3) HAHAHAHA He's so lovesick, so gone. He's fucked. I love making Harry suffer 😈 I'm glad you like the slow burn 💕 and that's good to know about your votes regardless. I didn't mean to do the second one, but I thought it was worth asking! I know you don't mind the suspense!

YES I do LOVE a grumpy male lead, but as a stubborn female STEM student, I think she has WAY more cause to be grumpy than him. I haven't hinted at many of the future ones, but def one of them. Probs been like six months though. Hopefully it'll make sense when it comes around hehehe

NO grocery shopping is absolutely overwhelming. I'm just INSANE. In New England we have Market Basket and if you haven't been there good for you. Best grocery prices in the world but there are SO many people there all the time and someone is ALWAYS in my way. Doesn't matter what time of day. If I didn't want to save $ i wouldn't go.

Test anxiety is the worst! I watch so many of my students struggle with it. I got nervous over some tests but I was fortunate that I didn't get too overwhelmed (shocking, tbh, something had to give I guess). I'm always trying to think of strategies to help my students with it. I also did a whole research proposal on math/test anxiety in grad school. The "experts" recommend journaling before an exam (but you gotta be kind to yourself and manifest that you'll do well) which was NOT for me because I was like "I'm confident" i'm not going to do well. My AP Bio tests?! Holy cow. DAMN. Those were a bitch.

Not to sound like 100 years old, but when I was in college I remember by the time I was in grad school I was like "holy shit this is endless" I was exhausted. No reading, no writing. Nothing. It was just endless school assignments and work. BUT now I have TIME to do things I like so I actually think my burn out is entirely 'better' than the one I had in college. Not sure if that's hopeful for you or not.

You are the best and sweetest 💕

Work was good! I'm cautiously optimistic at the moment but trying not to jinx it nor get my expectations too high.

Lots of love for you too 💕

xoxo

[p1xiemeat]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[epaily]

fuzzy and the terrible horrible fuckass testday he did NOT wantt to to but had to anyway

I DID NOT FORGET I PROMISED

reader bewarb this this shit is long may or may not be hard to follow because i talk about (my) degree jargon

ok lessgo

to begin. you need context. theres an organization (one for every country im assuming) that issues tickets stating "X CAN WELD" or else some schmuck with a helmet can walk in and work.

theres a ticket for every process in every position and then some. it was these tickets i was testing for today and i was WILDLY unprepared. it isnt the first time ive done them but i was super out of practice. they are flat, horizontal, vertical and overhead.

so cut to february, the last time we did tickets. remember when i wanted to end it all because i failed a test i spent a hundred dollars on? yeah this was one of those. i failed my horizontal so this time around i thought "i dont wanna do my fuckign horizontal cause last time i failed and i felt like shit so im gonna do my vertical instead"

what no one told meeeee was that you have to get your tickets in position order. and i KNOW i take forever and a day, hence me only doing one.

well i didnt do one. i did two. i have no idea if i passed or failed them and tbh im too scared to check because i was completely out of fucks two beads into my vertical.

but lets not get ahead of ourselves.

the test sheets had to be reprinted twice because the first go around they missed imputting someone into the system and the second time around someone got lost, and then got registered twice. great lovely. so because of this all of our test plates were wrong because we all got new assigned numbers.

we finally get our sheets we go and pay and while im in line in the bookstore to pay for my test (remember this) guess what fucking hit me. the cramps i had spent all night hoping for. at 8:30 in the morning. litterally 2 hours behind schedule. i was FURIOUS. so now i had that to deal with all day thankfully ive had worse but because they didnt arrive on time i have full permission to bitch as much as i want.

so back to the shop. i was trying to set my peremiters for my vert so i hadnt even started yet when my instrucor pokes his head into my booth and says "(tester) wants to see you" so i go and thats when i find out that you have to do the tests in order. so i tack and stamp up some new plates which was probably the least annoying part of the whole day

so i do the new plates first. welding it out goes relatively fine. it took forever to find an instructor to verify it but whatever.

AND THEN I GO TO GOUGE THE BACKING STRIP OFF.

i could not. for thee fucking life of me. unscrew the cutting tips from the oxy torches. ive seen people do it. ive done it. it is Not Hard. i used a wrench n all on all 3 tables and it would Not Come Off. so i said to hell with this and went to the carbon arc room.

carbon arc cutting is using specialized electrodes to vaporize metal. you drag it over metal and it carves into it. fast and easy.

but i of course had a hell of a time doing it like i do anything and it was Not Working. by the time i did figure out what i was doing wrong there were carbon deposits coming out the yahoo and it which are difficult to gouge through. so i had half of it very nice and the other half a melted amalgamtion of metal and didnt gouge very much off. great.

so i finish that. away i go back to my booth. to grind for the next i dont even know how long because oh my fucking god SO much grinding. im not big enough to use the 7 inch grinders so i have to use a 5 inch one which is yk what let me just show you

these are all cordless but you get the fuckin gist.

what everyone else got to use vs what i got. dying.

so i finally fucking got it flush. cut it. not a big deal. onto the second one at 1:30. i feel like i should mention that at this point everyone else has been done for like two hours.

i didnt even start welding until like 10ish so i was already 2 hours behind everyone only doing one plate. most everyone else did 2 and so did i BUT I ONLY WANTED ONE

my vertical was so bad i was way too hot and shaking and i didnt put them in in a very good order i would genuinely be surprised if it didnt snap. i needed a practice one but i had No Time so it was messy and the cap was large and my rods were sticking so i was frustrated aND OH THATS SOMETHING IM FORGETTING

some electrodes need to be baked/stored in an oven to keep moisture content low. when i ran out i went to get more and the oven was empty so ithought i'll be a good samaritan and fill it up AND I GOT THE BOX THAT SAID. 3/32ND. MATCHES THE OVEN. AND I OPENED IT. AND IT WAS THE WRONG KIND OF ELECTRODES.

and once you open these they cant be resealed they need to be either used or cooked within 4 hours.

so i started stuffing as many electrodes into the oven as i could and in my haste i sliced both my fucking hands open. i didnt even notice the cut on my right palm because the one on my left pointer finger was just gushing blood all over soaking my glove and getting over the electrodes (absolutely my fault btw i should of been wearing gloves. i deserved this one) and so i stopped and said i need to handle this. so away i went. bandaged now all good. just again. annoyed. and i still didnt have any 7018s.

i found some. eventually. fuck.

i finished my second test at idk 2:30 or maybe a bit later, begged one of the instructors to mill the back off for me because i was NOTTT doing the carbon arc/ grinding for forever again. once it was done bc time crunch i p much just got to look at and get excited over the smooth mill peices before my instructor whisked it away to grind/cut himself. which - i understand completely time crunch im slow i get it im not bothered.

and then we cleaned up. and i was talking to the tester a little bit before i left and he said "glad you paid because theyre checking who didnt hoho"

now. guys. recall at the start of the post where i said that 2 tests are a hundred bucks. and i only paid for one.

i did one of my tests for free afusdiaksoqondiakdka. he said he'd get the paperwork later and he never did 😭

then. fucking FINALLY it was 3 and i got on the bus and came home and i was so spent i had an alcoholic freezie. i dont drink.

i should of fucking stayed home.

[kidge-planet]

Kidge headcanon 11 (ig it's 11) Pidge's second pregnancy:

It happened two years after her last pregnancy.

She this time told Keith before she did the pregnancy test. She told him that she was starting to get worried because her period was almost 2 weeks late and that she started feeling sick in the morning a few days ago.

Keith waited for her patiently in the couch, watching his son playing on the ground with a few plushies.

He was a little nervous ever since their first kid was still a baby and it was already pretty hard to handle... But he was hoping that the test would come positive too! Because becoming a father was one of the best things that happened to him. He wouldn't mind becoming a father again as long as it was with Katie.

Pidge comes out of the bathroom with a nervous expression. It was positive.

Keith gets up from the couch, gently smiled at her and huged her.

They both sat in the couch and talked about it.

They decided to keep the baby.

Keith cuddled her for a while after that, he was SO HAPPY.

Again, during this pregnancy, Pidge had morning sicknesses. Same as before.

But this time, she never really had the quick changes of emotions. Just a few times.

The first person to learn about the pregnancy was Kayden, their 2yo son. He didndidn't undertand everything but he did understood that their was something about Pidge that was going on. About a baby...

Then Pidge told her mother. She just went to her parent's house to help her mother with something. They were normally talking and Colleen started to talk about Kayden and then the fact that Krolia told her that she wanted 30 grandchilds at least... Pidge just answered "Well, she is going to be very happy in nine month then..." Colleen immediately raised her eyes toward her daughter: "Whaaaat?.." "Im pregnant, mom."

Colleen would grab Pidge in her arms and ask her a thousand questions.

Colleen would then call matt that was in a vacation with N7, his girlfriend.

"KATIE IS WHAT?!" Matt became hysterical.

then Sam came back home and Colleen would rush to him.

He would get emotional again.

Colleen would again give the name list that her and Krolia had written years ago... Pidge will refuse it because she already had names in mind...

At the annual paladin's meeting, Keith and pidge decided to announce the news.

At the end of the dinner, Pidge held Keith's hand under the table before to speak up. "Ha, also, Keith and I had news for you guys! Im pregnant."

A silence took place but quickly got replaced bt cheerings.

Space dad cried again, he was so proud.

Hunk grabbed Pidge, then Keith, then both and hugged them tightly. ("Hunk! be careful with her!")

Lance was happy for them but couldn't help but tease: "Do you guys know what a condom is?"

As for Coran, again, He wasn't that surprised. Galran have a lot of kids so he, just like Krolia, was expecting them to have a few more kids. But you could tell that he was happy.

Krolia. KROLIA. She didn't keep her happiness for herself. Every members of the blade was now aware of the pregnancy.

Kolivan=Proud.

This time, they didn't want to know the baby's gender. They decided that they wanted to know only once the baby would be born.

Again, Pidge had pregnancy cravings but it was less weird than the last time... But this time, it was just annoying. She would get Keith to get her a specific type of ice-cream in the middle of the night... He would go get it but like... *sigh*

Her water broke when she was at her parent's house with Kayden, Matt and her mother. Keith was at the blade. (At the end of her pregnancy, when Keith was at the blade, she would make sure that she wasn't alone... )

She was sat in the couch with her mother, talking while UNCLE Matt (He loves being an uncle) was playing on the ground with his nephew.

Pidge will have an horrible cramp while talking with her mother.

Matt and Colleen would get worried. Even Kayden will get up and ask his mama if she is ok... Well, he tried to say it...

Pidge tried to reassure them but a few minutes after, her water broke.

Matt didn't actually know what to do so Colleen took the lead of the situation.

"Matt, take Kayden in another room and keep him busy so he doesn't ask about Katie. Im taking her to the hospital right now. I'll call you once im there."

Matt nodded, took Kayden in his arms and left a quick kiss on his sister's forehead "You're going to do amazing, like always." He then left to go upstairs with Kayden.

Kayden obviously seemed worried for his mother and was asking to see her. He was about to cry but Matt managed to change his mind (even tho he was also worried for his sis...)

meanwhile, Colleen was driving towards the hospital. While she was driving, she called Keith: "Keith! We need you on earth RIGHT NOW! Katie's water broke! She is going through labor!"

Keith panicked and left immediately, still wearing his blade's uniform .

When he told Krolia what was going on, she decided to go with him.

Keith arrived on earth with his mother and joined Pidge and Colleen..Pidge was currently suffering on an hospital bed, waiting the doctor to come.

Keith immediately rushed by her side.

The delivery was easier this time, she felt way much confident about the situation and gave everything she had to do this quick. (She still cursed the whole universe in every languages she knew and insulted Keith for getting her pregnant...)

The baby is a little girl!!!!!!

Pidge was so exhausted that she just told Keith that she wanted her daughter to be called Anaïs before to fall asleep.

Keith named her Anaïs AND added another name... Allura.

Pidge was so glad that he did that, they talked about doing that if it was a girl a few times. Their friends are going to be so happy!! ( I had to add that when I will refer to Anaïs I will just use her principal name. So Anaïs, I won't be using Allura because it feels a lil weird 🥲)

MORE HEADCANONS ABOUT ANAÏS AND EVERYTHING ONCE IM DONE WITH PIDGE'S LAST PREGNANCY!!!!!!

hope you liked that one!

[kedreeva]

Alright so im back amd hear me out is there any chance that ep 3 DOESNT end on a fucking cliffhanger thus forcing me into watching the entire season in one go (because if ep 3 end on a cliffhanger then i will Have to watch ep4 and if i do then bu the time i finished ep4 if i were to start ep3 rn it would about 4:30am here so no use going to bed anymore) so that i can actually say "one more episode" and do JUST that one more episode? Or am i doomed if i decide to just watch the next one and thne go to bed?

Also im v happy to hear you are enjoying your bread and that it is bringing you pleasant memories!! Also go do your fucking packing!! And writing!! And go to sleep!!!!!!!!!

I do fully agree that steve and jonathan should just simply kiss about their issues

Poor fucking nancy its really great starting to be able to Understand the characterization she receives in fancontent now and not just her but the others too though i must admit that i did imagine steve to be even more over the top than he currently is actually like disney movie level of "most popular guy in highschool" over the top

Episode 3 doesn't end on a cliffhanger, exactly, but it does end on a tragedy. You're not going to want to stop watching if you are watching this show. there's no good spot to stop because everything is happening so much!!!

And, well give it time, he gets worse before he gets better. I'm not sure that he's the most popular guy, honestly, so much as.... head honcho? There's a distinction somewhere in there that's probably important. There's actually an incident on screen where another student actually does come to him to solve a problem, instead of going to a teacher. It's really interesting to think about to me, what social dynamics, exactly, are going on, and what the FUCK is going on that ditching tommy and carol means STEVE loses his position? Who is Tommy that this is the case? I have questions.

Nancy is. There are a lot of people mad at Nancy or that don't- they haven't looked at her for herself, I guess. I've talked to people before about the things i see in nancy and had them turn around like hm didn't like her before but now that i'm seeing more, actually she's awesome. Because she IS AWESOME. She is heartbreaking.

I did do my packing, and I should get to sleep soon, but not quite yet. I've gotta go away all day tomorrow and bleed a bunch of birds for health testing. fun times. At least I'll have banana bread. Gonna go write now!

[jasontoddisbest]

[offers hugs] need to vent?

omfg yes

vent under cut

TW: mentions of SH and suicidal thoughts, dysphoria

idk why but sometimes i feel like I'm faking it

Like am i actually who i say i am

or am i victimizing myself

and in one of my earlier posts it talks about how i wish i had more trauma, but really that was just the need to show that i DO deserve sympathy or smth

but even then i have this lingering doubt

this little thing in the back of my mind saying

'Do you really need help?'

And ever since I took the RAADS-R test and got diagnosed w/ autism

(After i told a friend i got positive on the test, she legit said "a lot of people are a little autistic", like SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME TO TAKE IT AND I FUCKING GOT 140)

anyway IDK sometimes it feels like im just not myself

I used to be the gifted kid, the smart one, the one who could read 200 pages in a day

But now I can barely read a chapter and focus.

IDK wtf this is called but I hate it

And not to mention my mother

dear god have mercy

I was FINALLY starting to love my body, like actually love it.

I felt confident no matter the clothing or appearence

and then SHE came along

starts fucking commenting and not to mention

I was w/ my mom and dad, and we were talking, and as i turned around to leave the room, i hear her fucking say "Never in my dreams did i imagine that girl to get this fat"

And when I tell you TEARS sprung to my fucking eyes, like even my dad looked pissed, and he usually sides with her no matter what

like it took four years

FOUR FUCKING YEARS TO GET THOSE STUPID SH THOUGHTS OUT OF MY MIND, THE ONYL REASON I DDINT KILL MYSELF WAS BC OF MY FUCKING FRIENDS WHO ARE LITEARALLY THE REASON IM ALIVE TODAY

BUT THAT WASNT EVEN THE WORST PART TOO

I WAS PLANNING ON COMING OUT TO THEM FOR MY BIRTHDAY AS BISEXUAL

AND SHE STARTS FUCKING TALKING HOMOPHOBIC ABOUT THIS ONE COWORKER MY DAD HAS

LIEK MY HEART SHATTERED

IT LITERALLY STOPPED FOR A WHOLE ASS TWO SECONDS

I CANT WITH THIS HOUSE

I FUCKING HATE IT HERE AND I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF SHE EVEN TRIES TO CONTACT ME AFTER I LEAVE IM GONNA BLOW SOMETHING UP

OMFG AND DONT GET ME WITH HER STANDARDS

SHE WANTS A SMART KID

A SUCCESSFUL KID

WELL GUESS WHAT

I CAN BARELY GO THREE DAYS WITHOUT FEELING THE URGE TO BAWL MY FUCKING EYES OUT

Phew I needed to get that off of my chest

Anyway, I'm fine :]

...

Fuck even now I feel like im faking it, like im seeking attention, idfk what's going on but I do know i need a therapist fast.

Anyway tysm for sending in this ask I really needed it.

[imjustcoping]

21/10/22

i get the feeling my best friend doesn't believe in non binary.  A while ago she said that she didn't believe it was a a thing.  she literally called it a phase because she didn't know any adult that were non binary who used they/them in their pronouns.  Which i find silly because she is a pansexual girl who should understand the stigma that gay people faced and still face.  After years of being told that being gay isn't real and that its just a phase and she says that.  and she doesn't really view trans people as people- she says its because her dad is a doctor and he finds it really difficult to diagnose trans patients when he doenst know what they are.  Its so fucking stupid he could legit just ask if they were afab or amab but it should already be in their medical history.  i fucking hate it.  I also sent before and after picture of me wearing a binder and i was so happy.  In the GC T congratulated me and gave me a shit ton of affirmations and it made me feel so genuinely good.  but S just ignored it.  I know we are drifting apart and i know its my fault because this always happens.  after 5 years they go, they just disappear into the mist, a new school, new friends, or im too much

And last night i was doing an assignment on 2 separate books.  Aftter i finished the first one i went on tiktok and of course a bunch of relatable autism stuff starts coming up and a vid about the raads-r test comes up.  so i do teh test and  get high scores and i do a bunch more of those tests and keep getting high scores in them.. In my 3am haze i sent the quiz to my family gc because im almost positive that my dad has autism.  But he had a partially open discussion about it with me the next morning, to  be continued for when i wasnt late for school.  when i finally gathered up the courage to tell my bsf from before that day that i scored high in these autism tests and i was kind of excited to maybe understand why im like this, because ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  ad autism can often be misdiagnosed for those two mental illnesses if you have been kind of traumatized as an autistic person. She told me that it probably isnt it.  She old me that sh doesn't trust those autism tests and that i shouldnt just self diagnose and that the depression and anxiety is whats making me think that.  It felt liek shit.  becsue tehre is a lot of evidence towards me being autistic, alongside the teste there s also a bunch of symptoms and there is a link between autism and asexuality(im asexual) where in a population of people there is about 1% asexuals but in the autistic populations they were far more likely to be asexual or feel disgusted toward sexual penetration.  

I know that i cant just self diagnose but im trying to figure out whats wrong with me and its not like im about to go around telling everyone im autistic becasue ive self diagnosed my depression and anxiety for years and have only told like three people, and even now that ive been diagnosed i haven't told anyone else.  Im not doing this because its trendy, the trend has just made me aware of how many autistic traits i carry around with me.  i was just finally happy that maybe im getting somewhere with figuring out my mental health.

I think im gonna tell my other friend from that group chat.  she is so supportive and has suspicions that she is autisic too. So im going to send her a message, with a forewarning.  I just want to talk to someone who is actually going to listen about what i have to say before throwing her opinion in.  And the pure confusion i have relation to my inability to express and know what emotions im feeling, she knows i have trouble with expressing my emotions and talking about how i feel but she doesnt seem to realise the impact on me

The dumb part about my friend telling me not to self diagnose is that she has been telling EVERYONE that she has ADHD for 2 years, she even told us in a group convo when she was accusing someone else of being a pick me for pretending to have adhd, someone pointed oout to my frined that she kind of mentioned having adhd a lot aswell and my friend tells everyone that her therapist diagnosed her.  she lied to us and Up until now she didnt say she didnt have adhd until shes trying to prove me wrong.  She basically said that she cant say she has adhd just because she gets easily distracted.  

I had fully supported her, when she claimed she had adhd, i believed her and did my won research, sending her videos which are supposed to help learning in a nuerotypical classroom easier.  and all she does is tell me that those tests arent reliable.  AT LEAST I ACTUALLY TOOK SOME TESTS INSTEAD OF PROPERLY SELF DIAGNOSING FOR YEARS AND BRAGGING ABOUT ADHD AND USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO INTERRUPT AND IGNORE PEOPLE.AND T

[kissycore]

this is gonna be a LONG post but i gotta catch everyone up. i tested negative so i finally feel comfortable talking about the HELL ive been going through these past few days. sorry i cant post this as a read more, im on mobile.

my mother caught covid and was acting extremely irresponsiblly about it, so now my brother has covid too. that makes 2/8 people in my house currently covid+ !! and we have a two year old baby!

on tuesday my mother was really sick. feverish, coughing, and so congested you could barely understand her speech. she was watching tv in the living room, so i kept telling her to put on a mask, go to her room, and take a covid test. but she wouldnt. she kept saying it was just the flu, and that i was making things worse by upsetting her. i texted her that even if it is the flu, no one else wants to get sick, and the baby spends all day in the same living room where shes leaving her germs.

wednesday morning she sounds even worse somehow, so i make her take a covid test and it comes back positive. unsurprisingly. from that point on, im immediately pissed off because I FUCKING TOLD HER that she needed to mask and isolate the night before, but she didnt want to!!

theres eight people in my house, across four rooms. im the only one who doesnt have to share a room. my mother and brother share a bedroom. rather than isolating with my mother in their room, instead, on wednesday, my brother (hes thirteen) was hanging out in the living room, maskless. i gave him a bunch of masks and told him to wear one multiple times because he was sharing a bedroom with someone with covid. but he didnt put one on because he wasnt feeling sick. i text my mother to ask her to tell him to wear a mask, and she *leaves her room* to yell at me through my bedroom door that im throwing her under the bus.

thursay morning my brother starts feeling sick. unsurprisingly. now hes completely isolating in his/my mothers room.

meanwhile, since my mother tested positive, ive been isolating my room. ive only left, wearing an N-95, to get food from the kitchen. my bathroom is connected to my bedroom, so i literally only need to leave for food and water. and guess what!!!! i tested negative for covid last night (friday)!!!! im still testing again on sunday. i had to miss my shifts on wednesday and thursday so i might swing by work sunday just to put in my timecard if im still testing negative cause i rlly wanna get paid on time, esp if my check is gonna be two days short. feels like shit but whats actually driving me insane is how little my mother cares about spreading covid

[myhardtruths]

2 September 24/25 ig

So ot looks like I posted my last post on the 24th early in the morning so I guess that's how we are going to do this now... anyway today was a emotional roller coaster to say the least. It had highs it had lows and I felt something I haven't felt in a long long time. Grade 6 was the last unfortunate that came at the probable cause of one of my relationships but it is what it is I suppose

My day started as it always does I wake my sorry ass up and drag myself out of bed and into the shower, take a 30m shower followed by getting my shit together and leaving for school. I was slightly ahead of schedule today so that's good I guess. I saw my friend and we took our bus to McDonald's for the morning coffee. Now ill be it i was a bag of shit in the morning and i had little sleep but i digress. Chemistry was fun today we used marshmellows and toothpicks to illustrate a stupidly annoying concepts that I still do not fully understand. Speaking of which I need to get that under control for my upcomming test. I need a 95% avrage to get anywhere inife so I seriously need to lock in. Or else I'll fail like _______ knows I will.

Aside from that I had work today I got called a unprofessional ignorant minimum wage worker who will amount to nothing in life. So that was my positivity motivation for the day.

Ok now I'm going to go onto the stuff that I seriously have been avoiding. Today I sent a couple of message to a friend about a secret that I said I knew. Deep down I just wanted him to open up to me so I could do the same. I feel like we have more in common then we think but given his track record I don't know if I can or even should trust him.... anyway it gave me a rise of need and importance when he was demanding to know what I was talking about 'knowing his secret etc'. Now in relation in grade three there was a kid named ___ now for some reason I still don't know I had some sort of obsession with him. I was yurning for his attention I'd make notes of people bullying me and give it to him. write him notes abkut how my life sucks etc now this kid was 2 years older then me but for some reason I felt the need to tiptoe as close as I could to him without getting caught. Weather that be saying I want to fight him for the adrenaline rush or try to kick to a soccer ball at him I loved the rush. The butterfly in my stomach..... now for some reason when I sent that message to my friend about knowing his secret i felt the same rush as i did before it was exacerbating i haven't felt that since grade 6. Now I don't know what this means but it feels weird. Almost like I know I want to be his close friend but im just stuck on the edge of the circle and begging for attention. I dont know. But I am smart enough to know that it probably strained our already unstable 'friendship'. You know what's funny. u wanted to share this account and blog with him but after writing this there's no way in hell that im going t be showing this to him.

Anyway I have to go back to reading a textbook maybe I'll survive the upcoming day on even less sleep

Till next time

[astrophileagain]

texts i wish i could have sent

- [ ] 10/30

there’s no nice way to go about it so i’ll just start

i don’t think we should see each other anymore

the red flags i tried to ignore are ones i’ve learned to accept and it doesn’t make me a happy.

to start

you have always affiliated me as some gross party girl because i did what any normal 21 year old used to do at 22- party and drink. yet my body count has been only 3 and youre the one who gave me an std. how can it be my fault when i regularly get tested was regularly seeing you and youre excuse “i been had it”. i was even nice enough to ease your mind and say sure ill take half the blame but you would have never found out unless i gotten tested.

you say you hate a woman that brings up old stuff yet you normally bring up the passing of your dog and once brought up the ER shorts situation. Both which you falsely recalled. I didn’t know you when your dog passed, and i never asked you to come get me cause i was uncomfortable

i’m constantly left on seen and when we’re together you are constantly on your phone- even when you drive

every trip we been on i planned im confident enough to say most every date we been on i’ve planned and or payed

2 years. I’m no where near your girlfriend. Why should i keep waiting. Your excuse is you’re not the man you want to be yet. that’s fine, but i don’t even see the effort.

You don’t make me feel beautiful, you don’t give me reassurance. I’m just a girl you go eat with, have sex with, and hang out with after 10. i try to have conversations with you, ask you what romance is to you tell you i’m proud of

you. i’ve never heard you even say anything positive about me not fucken once

You make jokes about meeting your family yet every family affair i know you’ve gone too i’ve never been brought around.

my birthday. you’re response “i asked you multiple

times” really? you asked once. maybe twice. last year you texted me right at midnight and even picked me up. it doesn’t make sense.

i try to make myself important to you when im not at work or doing things

i always keep you in mind to give you some of whatever i cook

always make my parents aware your the man im with and hype you up

always remind you im here with open arms

it feels like you just hate me and when i ask you for time it’s a burden to you

you make me feel bad for not sleeping over even though you know i’m punctual about work

you say you can’t find the friend in me that’s so insulting i’m always there when you call when you want to hang when you need something i’m down for all the things you want to do but i guess im not a friend

you’re sweet when you want to be but i need a man who’s sweet to me all the time.

i need to accept im not the woman you want. you say you know what your willing to put up with” do you? do you really? i been nothing but amazing to you and you still have reason to complain, your occasionally nice to me

i have reason to complain, just swallow the truth.

i have a lot of my own issues and i feel like i can’t bring it up cause then i have this gut feeling you’ll just leave cuz you don’t wanna deal with too much

like yea who fucken does but you won’t bring peace to the table either i’ve learned that

or

like when we’re together and you’re on your phone like mad crazy but can go days without talking to me

- [ ] 11/14

or when you just have too much pride n can’t comfort me makes me feel like you genuinely don’t want me like it cost you nothing to say some nice things here and there

u just think i’m dumb financially

comments about me not going to the gym like i get it i’m not skinny enough for you or they body you want you’ve mad that so clear with your condescending comments

i get being busy/tired. like i completely understand. but .. if you could also be understanding to the fact that it makes me feel incredibly bad im just as busy then i check my phone to see like not one word from u but i guess you’re just too busy🤷🏻‍♀️.

i don’t mean to catch you off guard or anything but i been thinking on whether we should continue this..

i have no idea what’s happening to us or what’s going to happen. and if you’re not in it or even willing to be, then it’s not fair to me for me to exist only at your convenience. hearing you say you weren’t sure if you saw a future with me broke my heart. cause the whole time i did n i feel so led on. so i hope you understand the pain im feeling. cause i really don’t want it to end but i can’t force you, i can’t make you, and i wouldn’t want you to feel that im pressuring you too.

in my lifetime i wanna be treated like a girlfriend and asked to be one cause i’ve never had that, and it’s been 2 years already, no disrespect but it’s silly

i know what i want too. i said what i wanted to say and maybe not all of it that night but i’ve explained to you that i do put in a lot of effort maybe too much, i take accountability for the times i could have been better too

sorry for this hope work is good to you today hopefully not a crazy day

We’ve never exclusively defined us. I have been faithful and committed this whole time, with no reassurance from your end about you doing the same until just now. This is why I think a label was important because whole time I’m acting out my role and going above and beyond.

You telling me you been locked in is reassuring and that’s kinda what you don’t normally give me. It’s rare that you reassure me. I never ask you for 24/7 anythint. My job on your sideline is to just support you and hope we have a day off together. All the couple like things we do i initiate and im glad you recognize it because we should be sharing that weight. But if we are able to hang out i have to drop what im doing cause who knows when i’ll see you next and it feels like i just chase.

You said it yourself. You don’t know if you see me in your future, you don’t think you have a friend in me. As I mentioned over the phone, that’s really confusing to me. You say you wanna be there for me but when I opened up in the past I go right back to bottling it up.

I think in this moment I just need a mental break.

I think in the moment I need to put myself first.

way to make sure I’m trying to make you happy and although i don’t always succeed in that i continue to try. it’s clear i feel for you more than you feel for me.

I tell you I’m proud of you, tell you how hard working you are, I remind you how handsome you are, i support the paths you consider taking career wise. I always respond n im always willing to be there when you ask. i don’t feel like i hear you say positive things about/to me. i only get it when i express im feeling down. if im being honest you just don’t sound like you care if i stay or go, that’s really worries me.

You’re telling me you can’t give me what I want. I never asked you for the world.

We don’t see each other often, and I go out of my way to do couple type things because I want our time together to be meaningful and memorable. Yea our time is memorable still -when we don’t do those things- but you can also agree that neither of us get out the house much for fun things. That’s why I wanted to go on the trip- all we do is work.

It’s the small efforts I ask.

In the end I will always support you and cheer you on no matter what. Whether I’m in your life or not.

I want to work things out. I hope you can understand why I asked if you wanted to continue this, it’s because i feel lost and confused . i’ll always wanna work towards something more with you. It wasn’t a threat, or an attempt to start an argument. i like when we can talk things out and not result with an argument.

at the moment though, I just need a mental break.

Yea it’s a dumb question, it’s a dumb question that means a lot to me. It’s not about that completely. I go out of my way to make sure I’m trying to make you happy and although i don’t always succeed in that i continue to try.

I tell you I’m proud of you, tell you how hard working you are, I remind you how handsome you are, i support the paths you consider taking with your career. I always respond n im always willing to be there when you ask. i try.. it seems like you just don’t sound like you care if i stay or go

You’re telling me you can’t give me what I want. I never once asked you for the world. just small amount of effort… when do i get those words of affirmation in return?

I go out of my way to do “couple things” because I want our time together to be meaningful and memorable. Yes our time is still memorable when we don’t do those things but you can also agree that neither of us get out the house much for fun things and we don’t see each other often. That’s why I wanted to go on the trip- all we do is work.

In the end I will always support you and cheer you on no matter what. i’ll always want to work towards something more with you.

at the moment i wish my head could stop being filled with thoughts, i want a mental break.

- [ ] 11/30

tired of feeling like all i do is fucken bother you

i promise i won’t bother U no more

. i’ll just shut the fuck up about everything from now on.

- [ ] 12/6

i feel so terrible

like i mean nothing

ever since i brought up wanting more it’s like he actively removed himself from making time with me

i can’t help but feel there’s another woman he’s talking too. i am not trying to be accusatory but what other reason would it be that he would want so much space from me and never tell me who he’s with. i don’t think im being irritation all

he doesn’t call he don’t make plans won’t even tell me sweet things anymore…

i don’t know whats wrong with me. to the point he don’t even check on me like he can’t afford to wanna be there for me.

i can’t go to him, cannot rely on him. it’s confusing

“wanting a supporting gf” while he gets where he wants to be. i get that and partially stupidly agrred to do that, but the fact that i never got asked and the fact that i receive no support in all of it either. not even verbally. he just expects me to have it all together too. i need some space. it makes me wake up 10 time thru the night and i can’t ever sleep. i laugh. all he wants is peace yet he brings nothing but pain.

11:46 he still hasn’t said a word to me. i think, i think im afraid i should ghost first but whats the point. why cant it work? i dont think it will. if another woman is filling my shoes, he should feel bad. i’m trying. he doesn’t support me and wants me to continue to please him . i hate this dynamic. i had a weird feeling since yesterday. like just say something… you’re slow lol.

i want to text him that im done. i’m just done. how many times do i need to ask? but this is irrational, like a whole day? not a single thing? who are you with…. then i find out your following some girls spam account that obviously flaunts her body all over social media. well what if i did that? i can’t help but wonder when im going to be asked to be a girlfriend when am i gonna matter when am i gonna be treated good is this just a test is he just a lesson is he ever gonna get it together

who is he sleeping with and getting tested and then seeing me to make sure he doesn’t get caught again idk i can only have my doubts at this point

i think im gonna send this

i dislike it when you pretend as if i’ll get to see you ( even if it’s just to spend a little time together) meanwhile you’re totally aware i won’t get any of your time

i respect you having plans elsewhere im not entitled to any of your time but be upfront. i sat by the phone thinking maybe he’ll text me if he’s up for it

really- it hurt my feelings. please don’t play with my feelings like that. it’s retarded that i have to ask.

it’s been on my mind all day. i’m not looking for an argument. i’m just really tired at this point and had a bad day at work n the last thing im trynna do is take it out anywhere i know im better off asleep

hope your days better than mine and work is easy on you. i’m off to bed goodnighty

really i feel like such a burden to you

i won’t bother you with anything anymore

i tried my best to say how i feel instead of bottling it up but i know it for sure ruined your day so just ignore me per usual

just feels like we’re falling apart and you’re totally ok with it everytime i try to explain how i feel it’s like it worsens everything it’s just the same old same old no one bothers to hear me out

sorry if that came out blunt but i am trying my best to say how i feel and not bottle up but that’s how i feel this isn’t the first time you mis lead me as if you know im always available to you just feels like continuous playing with my feelings

oh i always go on night walks but i know you work and don’t want you up at 5 am with me especially if you go off the night like 1 am

Yea your right you never said yes. I understand but “pmu” jokingly it happens so often i don’t think you realize how often

i was at home like ready to go with my shoes on waiting for a response to the “really” text thenyou to go silent . that’s what im talking about. not necessarily costco .takes 2 seconds to say sorry kari im not up for it im w my friends etc .

i

how can i explain like im a mouse and your a cat and you just push me back and forth and back and forth idk how to explain it

my point is i dont ask for your time for things like “a simple walk” because 90 percent of the time you don’t think im worthy enough of your time it’s like why do you think i should continue to ask when the answer i get from you is silence or no

i go on a night walk 3 nights out of the week

we have gone on hikes n sorry i work mornings like that n don’t have set sched so i can’t always go

but it’s not like you’re making the plans either.

this is funny to me because like i could say the same - what about things i like. do you know of things i like? i go on short walk after work by myself a few times a week- but you’ve made me afraid to ask you for time cause i know the answer is no

sometimes if i have extra money i’ll take a pilates class. did you know besides “running errands” i like to take a pilates class

do you think i want to go to costco and also stand in a long line? no i dont but i was already planning on going and thought to be considerate to see if you’d wanna join to grab something you might need. the whole point was the “pmu” don’t say it if you dont mean it that’s really all it is. not about the cont

painting, painting, painting, painting, making playlists/music, walking at my park, cooking, going to the track, yoga, sometimes i scrape up extra money for pilates or a dance class if i can afford it. i read a lot, listen to audiobooks too. i like museums, site seeing at those. i like learning, always wished i would’ve minored in astronomy or physics. i like seminars of that, even a youtube ted talk will suffice.

just because they’re not always physical activities doesn’t make them less valuable to me.

how do you think it felt when i made you a playlist and asked for one in return and you just said “yea im not the type to just sit there and make one” well im not always the type to do certain things too but if my partner asked for me to venture out/ try it im open to it. just hate bringing it up, cause i get rejected and i can only handle so much rejection.

you have no agenda to care for me so instead i will do you the favor and remove myself completely from your life. i bet you posted 10x over the past 2 days, bet you texted your group chats 10x and i bet there’s other stuff on your phone and socials you partake in that really- i don’t want to know about. it’s not fair that i seen you go thru relationships on socials and made them your gf in a matter of months AND you’ve told me you have as well. While i sit here and been nothing to you for over two years. you’ve made it clear verbally and through your actions that you see no future with me or care for my existence at all.

i hope my absence brings you nothing but peace. and i hope you better yourself

enjoy today with your cousin not sure if that was a lie or not since you have lied to me in the past about your whereabouts.

don’t sweat me leaving too much, it was your decision. and don’t forget to get tested regularly- don’t want another woman being treated the way i was. take care.

you assume i like to drink because that’s all you knew of me BEFORE you knew me. i still can’t believe you stand by that assumption about me because in the 2 years i’ve been with you- i don’t go out the way i used to. at most it’s brunches.

maybe you just didn’t hear me because i’ve brought all my interests up before… yea we have differences. but for example if i hated hiking- i would still do it because you wanted too, because i care about you and i know it’s a good time when we’re together. i guess i just thought you would be open to do things i like too.

as for the sleepovers i’ve been dying for you to ask me. but you don’t because you made the assumption that i hate it. when i said i only am uncomfortable when i have work at 8 AM and i have a fear of rolling up late to work, because i can’t afford to lose my job over attendance. i wanted you to be understanding of that. i am a punctual person. you tell me to somewhere at X time and im 10 minutes early that’s just who I am.

my only message to you was that please don’t have me waiting on edge because if you say to pick you up im readily available to make time for that. but i can see now that bringing up how i feel- causes you to completely ghost me for like 3 days now? 2? idk. i went to a bridal shower this weekend. and the whole time im internally suffering at an event i shouldn’t be because you wanted to not talk to me. you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to me. i won’t ghost you or not provide you with any info i have.

i agree. i feel disconnected but it’s not something we can’t work thru. i think you and i both make assumptions about one another instead of addressing each other directly. wish i wasn’t ghosted for nearly 3 days but i understand being someone who needs time to collect their thoughts. i def would have appreciated a text saying you’re not ghosting me you just need time because i’ve felt sick to my stomach all weekend about this n felt like i couldn’t truly be with my family on sat.

i have mentioned all those interests of mine in the past. so it broke me a little inside just now to read that was allll news to you.

i personally believe you view me as a “drinker” because that’s all you knew of me BEFORE you knew me. which yes i was going out a lot at the time . but in the 2 years we’ve been together i haven’t gone out like that because i don’t see the reason to anymore unless you’re out with me.

With the exception of brunches/get together for family/friends bdays. you need to let go of that idea of me. theres also an assumption that i hate sleeping over. never have i said that. maybe the assumptions was made bc im punctual about work and my time - that i dislike being over, when really i love being with you and sleeping next to you . punctual is just who i am. so if i open at work i rather be home already since im up and out the door 5 AM sometimes 6 AM. i feel bad cause then i have to wake you up super early to walk me out and i hate that because your usually deep in sleep at that point. and idk if its okay for me to go out by myself like im just not sure. if i dont have work im more than excited/ happy to sleep over. i dont hike the way you do because i cant always go in the AM and sometimes when im off its already dark im not a pro like you but i like going. and if i was someone who truly HATED hikes, i would still go if it meant something to my bf because i wanna spend the time w him and he likes it, i guess i just thought you would’ve done the same for me.

hope your days good too love you

so heartbreaking that you can go all day updating your stories, texting other back i bet - and honestly god knows wat else you are doing without my knowledge

and then me the pain in your ass is here at home just sick to my stomach over a guy who won’t claim me or even bother to fix our problems. you don’t even like me i guess, saying you love me just has to be a lie. i should’ve know from the beginning, esp when you said your life’s more peaceful without me on socials- i just can’t believe you. it’s my fault for being so stupid and believing you believing that you care when you don’t i’m stupid

listen - we should just split up. because im tired of your lies. in your eyes you’ll be happy that im gone. good thing you didn’t bring me around i guess. less of a hassle.

the problem is so much bigger. you don’t love me. if you did i wouldn’t be just your little side piece. why do i have to be your quiet hidden gf who supports you while i get no benefit in return. all day i bet you’ve posted and texted your chats and god know what else you do without my knowledge. im stupid, for me to be okay for so long being hidden from your socials and family, to never be actually claimed. im stupid, im stupid for believing you. i guess this is me breaking it off because i want a man that cares about me. sorry for wanting the bare minimum. sorry for wanting to work out our issues. i know the next going to get everything i wanted from you.

take care, i hope my absence brings you nothing but peace. now you can relax and do all the things you find fun and interesting

i can say i truly did love you, i loved you more than you say you did, i love you still but you don’t treat me right. i know i love you because i’ve been crying all day trying to find the courage to send this.

i cant believe you once said you saw me having your kids to fast forward you see no future with me all cause i wanted to talk thing .

if you can leave my window trim outside and i’ll just pick it up. don’t leave anything else or don’t leave it i don’t care abt it i guess . have a blessed holiday. i love you. bye bye .

behaviors so weird you can go long hours without acknowledging my existence

i give and give and just get “ i’m locked in / i want a supportive gf “ while i get absolute nothing in return not even the bare minimum bf stuff and it’s christmas eve n you can’t even drive to pick me up last night n not grateful i still send you pics n it’s the only time i get a response with some emotion for gods sake grow tf up already

so you just don’t want to do anything bf related at all got it understood go ahead and leave me alone from here on out hope my absence gives you nothing but peace and finally your biggest problem will show herself the way out cause i’m done i’ve hit my breaking point

it’s upsetting cause i bet my life your next girls gonna get everything i basically begged two years for it’s not fair everyone gets you but me lol but i hope you man up for someone eventually and wish you the best

bruh you can’t tell me me merry xmas lol and u can’t say i can do it too i put in 99 percent of the effort in this situation ship while u do nothing but make me feel like shit and then go and take NO accountability you think your perfect you think your the number one trophy

i don’t do well during the holidays so im gonna continue to sleep

funny cause i started doing it yesterday

. i convinced myself you were different. i’m dumb. excuses are all i hear now.

if a man doesn’t wanna spend the time on me i should be smart enough to just leave. im not worth your time. you see no future with me. me

leaving would be a huge relief to you. just apparently from the screenshots i just been your side piece or something. it’s makes sense tho. never met family / friends . never been posted. don’t have me on socials. not a gf.

not sure how these girls find me. im gonna

go ahead and respect

myself.

it eats me alive every night. how much you don’t want me. i’m tired of trying. tired of messages of some

yeaaaaa. seeing you still liking women’s selfies or thot ass pictures and still following them. makes me feel so bad. i’m getting off social because of you. lol you don’t have to understand. i actually don’t care if you don’t understand. not like you ever put yourself in my shoes to understand anyways.

so i guess this is really the thing that marks it done for me. i’m done. over likes. its so funny to hear you say you hate your phone and then you like every goddamn selfie you see.

you do not respect me. and i can’t take it anymore for my well being i have nothing more to say anymore. you continue to do it. okay. i won’t tolerate you disrespecting me anymore.

i hate to do this over text i wanted to do it in person and attempt to talk. but there’s no changing your mind on the matter.

i don’t want you acting different like you said i make you do.

i really don’t want to stop whatever it is we have, but i can not continue either. you continue to like women’s selfies and follow a bunch of thots. it’s disrespectful- end of discussion on that for me.

i have to rebuild my confidence because your actions make my confidence so low. i want a guy who only has eyes for me not random gorls on instagram that don’t even follow

you back

. and for my sanity- i just can’t do it. at some point i have to respect myself. i’m crying as i type this. cuz you’re all i had. but it’s torture.

the only thing that replays in my head is you letting me know you never took me serious and you never will. i love you so much it hurts, this hurts. i can’t believe im doing this. but i feel like i mean nothing to you. why should i stay where i am not wanted

before you start with excuses let me stop you. no one said delete your account. so don’t throw a fit. you have like ten and god only knows what your doing on those.

i don’t care if she’s your friend. you are

protecting their feelings over mine.

i’m sorry. i can’t take it. i’m miserable knowing im not what you like.

[0thsense]

11/29/2023

It's been a while since nippon and nothing good has happened. That's not really true but it is true I haven't made progress on my goals. I've even made negative progress on lifting and running. Or maybe sideways who cares im just not dedicated enough. why do i bother with good grammar on these posts just let it go bro.

I did well on the osu tournament at least, but ive gotta give up on that shit. just play for fun and casual improvement. I fucked up my wrist the other day too and it still hurts. It kinda hurts to type to be honest. tumblr can fuck off with the spellcheck btw. i talked to Peter about his journaling and im starting to think that my thoughts are just way more cringe than average. ur telling me everyone else doesnt have to hold back cringe all the time? i love being cringe is the problem

one thing I remember feeling on the way to see my pt is that i think i like feeling sad. the type of sad where id like to say its something other than self pity but its probably just self pity. god im so reluctant to say im falling into a common trap that is wallowing in self pity.

oh yea I started taking caffeine pills and not taking medication. I don't think its helping so far but I feel less shit all the time. is it time to truly give up? im scared that im losing my mental faculties. I remember I used to try to optimize everything i did. which i thought was dumb at the time because I would proceed to waste all the extra time I had. but now I dont have that drive to optimize anymore. i dont believe in myself to be different anymore. in fact its a struggle to even be normal.

i dont know if ive talked about this before but I tried to go for a route in my life where I wouldnt have to learn to be normal. if I got far enough doing special weird things then people would accept that I didnt have to be normal, and theyd even praise me for it. but now that ive fallen off the wagon I have to just be behind on being normal instead. I hate the feeling that other people will look at me and think I was wrong all along.

Im so doomer in these posts. I guess getting off the medication wasnt enough to stave away the depression. I didnt even do anything today either programming wise. Theres a month left, and its december. maybe i should just start leetcoding now. I say that cuz its the normal thing to say but there is no way I start before the new year. time to pretend to be happy for the holidays.

im worried that it will be difficult to find a job. i want to find a job in new york but i need to find a position that lets me afford rent. i have a limited number of people i can reach out to for referrals and if those dont pan out im probably in deep trouble and will need to take whatever i can get.

there's a channel called hoe_math on yt that has blackpilled views but surprisingly its really popular. the couple vids i watched were entertaining and agreeable and im scared of watching more and becoming a misogynist. the old me would not have been scared. watch and sift the new information and try to remain as objective as possible keeping in mind all of your own biases. now im a thinking plebian. what happened to me? i ask as i know the answer perfectly well.

also i think im bad at diagnosing my own mental state. after taking molly for the first time i could barely tell i felt anything. that probably has an effect on my diet for example, where my instinct on what i need to eat is dull. is this linked to not being in touch with my emotions? ur feelings are partly a reflection of your body's state after all.

i cant even finish this stupid pong game. any mental obstacle that i think will take like an hour is just too much. the true test of will is the will that can give consistent effort day after day. i wonder how neurotypicals feel. does it also feel literally impossible for them to do certain things? what does it mean to just not want to do something? determinism wise everything either happens or is impossible. i have a hard time relating that to the things adhd stops me from doing. maybe the reason im more inclined to believe determinism is that adhd makes the illusion of choice much weaker.

[sellieellie]

things went downhill fast.

the night before mother’s day, my mom gathered us all in the living room to tell us she was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier in the week. it’s very treatable but it’ll be painful and we never know when it could come back.

she was acting nonchalant about it but i know she’s doing it so we won’t be scared. im still scared.

she tested positive for covid the next day. i’ve been taking care of her. my sister tested positive too. all of our mother’s day plans were cancelled.

she’s recovering but it’s hitting her a lot harder than my sister. i’ve never seen her look so worn out. it worries me a lot. i wonder if she’ll be like this until she recovers from the cancer. i wonder if she’ll be like this forever.

i feel selfish for feeling so scared because im not the one who is sick. i hate seeing her like this but i know it must be infinitely worse for her, feeling awful but trying to stay strong for us. i feel guilty for how little grace i’ve been giving her before i knew.

i also feel conflicted. because i know that she’s given me plenty of issues but now i feel even guiltier than before for blaming her since she’s been sick.

im just scared. i haven’t told anyone yet. but moms having surgery soon and they’re gonna wonder where i am when im taking care of her, so i have to. i just hate to put such a damper on things.

im seeing everyone tomorrow. i think that’s when i’ll tell bella at the very least. i know that she’ll tell jason, who might tell his friends. i might leave it to bella to tell the others. idk. i don’t know how many people i can break this news to. i haven’t quite processed it yet. im afraid i might not until i say it out loud.

we’re letting go of will. he betrayed our trust in a way im not sure im ready to talk about. i think i have some other things to process first. for now i’ll just say, i feel manipulated and lied to and i hope he stays away from women for the rest of his life.

this next problem im gonna talk about seems trivial to the rest but it’s kinda nice to focus on something that doesn’t really matter. every time i say something in the big gc, spencer stops responding. im not sure why he has beef with me again. i can’t figure out what i did wrong, he is so wishy washy and it’s so frustrating and im so sick of it. after things ended with us, we talked about it, apologized to each other, and i thought we were good, but i guess not. he got a girlfriend at school so idk why he’s still focusing on our “beef” (which is completely one sided). i just don’t know to fix this. i feel like my presence is a bother to him and so i never respond in the gc and i feel anxious when i go to hang out with friends. idk.

i started my summer job again and i fucking hate it. my supervisor changed and he’s a micromanager and is working me to the bone. i also found out that my coworker who does the job i started out with (i now do more difficult things) gets paid $3 more an hour than i do. so that’s wonderful.

my dad is moving this weekend and im the only kid who won’t be too busy to help him. my sister lives an hour and a half away and the other will be working. so it’ll just be me, him, and his neighbor’s moving company. not really looking forward to it.

we’re supposed to go to our of state next weekend for a funeral. an uncle on my dads side passed unexpectedly a few weeks ago. i feel so bad for that side of my family. they seem to be in a lot of pain about it. i didn’t know him too well but i do know he was very loved.

anyways.

there’s just too much on my mind right now. i have a lot to process and think about. my heart drops every time i look my mom. seeing her weak breaks my heart. i’ll update later if i find the time.