#whatever point is I need a complete re-do or at least review everything first and pick and discard stuff

[phynali]

so not to ruminate on things that vex me, but the past 2 or so months have been kinda shit, and i’m trucking along and there absolutely are high points and good things and joys that balance some of this out, but i need to vent out some of the negative emotions somewhere to get ‘em out. so i guess i’m doing that here because - 

we’re in lockdown#6 where i live (state of victoria) and it’s hard, this yo-yo of restrictions and swinging in and out of one lockdown after another. 

for those who understandably won’t know, what we call lockdown here means not just restaurant and commercial closures and mandatory working from home unless you’re in an industry where that’s impossible -- it also means no guests (0) inside you’re home unless you’re both living alone and single or else romantic partners, it means not leaving your home at all except for one of 4-5 necessary reasons, not being outside for more than 2hrs per day even to exercise, and not going more than 5km from your home unless required for work/medical/etc required reasons.

it’s intense. we spent (i think) 128 days in this degree of lockdown in 2020, never mind how many we spent in other forms of restrictions and working from home. and we’ve been back in it four (4) times in 2021 already. in-out-in-out-in-out - 

it’s taking a toll on the mental health of every person i know. we get weekly emails with wellbeing and resilience tips from my job -- not just “be productive or else” capitalism but heartfelt ones from wellbeing officers with copies of articles like this one on languishing from the NYT, acknowledging we’re all struggling and directing us to the plethora of wellbeing resources our workplace is trying to provide, not only to us but reminding us they offer it to our families too.

i’m one of the lucky ones. i’m really not trying to wallow here or to pretend otherwise. i appreciate that i can work from home, even though i can’t focus when i do and it this interacts with my adhd to fuck my productivity. even if i’m so behind and delayed it feels like i’ve lost 12-18 months worth of work and it will have long-term ramifications on my career -- even so, i still i have a job. i still get paid. and i even kept my job, a bit by the skin of my teeth but i did, when my sector downsized last year. yes, the way my employer went about lay offs left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth (my own included), but i made it through. 

and my sector, while affected, is by no means the worst of the collateral damage.

the yo-yo of lockdowns is taking a very very real toll on industries like hospitality, tourism, commerce. and the economy does have indirect effects on health and mental health as well. my friend, a waitress, was on her way to work the evening shift at a restaurant when she got the call about the latest lockdown. she had to turn around and go home because the announcement came just hours before the lockdown was imposed, and every place suddenly had to close by 8pm. bye bye evening shift. so much of the government support for these industries has dried up, has been inadequate. 

lockdowns save lives. i don’t begrudge my state for imposing one except that yes -- i’m resentful we’re here again with only six cases. i can be both accepting and grateful and also pissed and tired and more all at once. 

even more than the latest lockdown, i’m pissed about the yo-yo. that we went into lockdown in june, came out in july, went back in in july, came back out in july, are going back in now, in the first week of august. three lockdown/re-openings in 10 weeks, as if this rollercoaster doesn’t completely incapacitate our ability to plan or prepare for anything more than a week out, more than a day out -- in this case, more than a few hours out. 4pm the lockdown was announced, with an 8pm start time. as if that doesn’t have more insidious consequences on individuals and industries than a more clearly articulated and consistent approach. as if all the restaurants that got to open up this week didn’t purchase large food orders for this weekend that will spoil because they were given 4 hours notice to close their doors.

that’s the part i hate, right now more than the lockdowns themselves. consumer sentiment was at a high in april, optimism was everywhere. people felt good, and like we had a plan forward. now -- well, now my job is sending me emails about how normal and okay it is that i might be ‘languishing’ because aren’t we all?

and i absolutely do begrudge my federal government, and i’m angry with them, and this is part of why:

but i also accept, to some extent, that these decisions have all been made in difficult circumstances, and i’m not really about to pretend i could do any better. 

at the same time, australia’s vaccine rollout is among the slowest and lowest at least within OECD countries. i know that’s partly because we’ve managed the keep cases low and therefore we are prioritized less when it comes to who needs the vaccines most (and thus who is earlier in line to be able to purchase) among other geo-political reasons i won’t get into, but it still very much sucks. our timeline and ability to move forward and ability to stop having lockdowns requires a mostly-vaccinated population, and that’s not something we’ll have anytime soon.

and i am a visa-holder here and my family is back in canada and with our current border restrictions leaving to visit is honestly is not an option because i wouldn’t be able to return, to work. i’m managing that distance okay most of the time despite my homesickness and frustration but my partner’s parents are older and his mother’s health just isn’t amazing and it’s weighing on him a lot. 

a phd student i work with just had a parent die in another country while stuck here, had to drop everything to return, is devastated by not being by their parent’s side when it happened because it came on sudden, and now won’t be able to come back into australia after, will have to finish their thesis remotely from abroad. stories like that are becoming commonplace in certain circles, here. this student is not the first or only person i know who has been in that exact situation in the past year.

it’s enraging, and upsetting, and instills a sense of helplessness because -- there’s nothing that can really be done about it. there’s no good answer, but it’s scary to think of what could happen. i know it scares my husband. if his mother’s health suddenly dips -- does he drop everything and leave? how can he not? would i go with him or hold the fort here? what ramifications does that have either way?

right now, we’re in the first stages of getting permanent residency, my job is putting in the nomination, and this is one of those awesome high-points i mentioned. it’s a very much needed sense of security in my career and my future in this country. but while a PR application is pending and under review, you can’t leave the country, even in pre-covid times. it takes months to get the application fully nominated, accepted, then submitted, and months on months to process.

in january 2020 we had agreed that for xmas 2020 we’d return home to canada. obviously the world changed and we quickly determined that wouldn’t be the case. we pushed that plan back to july-aug 2021, then to october 2021, xmas 2021. my partner’s sister asked him last week if we started making plans, booking things for xmas, was calling to check that we’d had our second jabs. he had to explain the situation to her, that we aren’t even eligible for our first vaccine yet, that we aren’t holding out any real hope of visiting, not this year, not until mid-next.

anyway - i’m just. languishing, i guess, if that’s the word for it after all. i know it’s not the same as depression -- i’ve had episodes of that, been treated for it in different ways. this is and feels different, even if there are obvious similarities. whatever to call it, it sucks, and i hate it. and i hate the other lows and anxieties and crap i’ve been dealing with in the past few months as well that didn’t make it into this post about covid. crap with work, with friends, with goddamn car rentals of all stupid things. crap that’s making me anxious and crap that just needs processing. crap that is, ultimately, massively exacerbated because lockdowns turn us into little rats gnawing on the bars of our cages.

and i guess i just needed to talk about it somewhere, to organize my thoughts and free up some headspace (emotion space?) currently being used to hold these thoughts and feelings in place. i kind of hate posting personal crap like this and always get the urge to delete but i also have a hard time organising my thoughts if i don’t write them out with this intent to post. sort of want to go outside and scream at god, sort of want to phone up a friend and yell at him for an hour for being an exhausting ass, sort of want to be alone for a day to curl up under a blanket with a movie that’ll make me cry because raging at the universe is always so much easier when i’m alone and unobserved. but i guess since those aren’t especially kind or feasible i’ll post this instead.

anyway - if you read to the end of this for any reason, i’m not trying to be maudlin, and there’s really no need to respond. it’s just a feelings dump, sucking some of the poison out, not really much different than journalling but i’ve always been better at that online than on paper. 

[missskzbiased]

I Hate That I’m Afraid to Love You (6)

Genre: Romance, Friendship, Angst, Hurt /Confort , Suggestive, Fluff, College Au, Enemies to Friends to Lovers Au, REALLY Slow burn, Love Square (?)

Pairing: Hyunjin X Fem!Reader  X Han X OC

WC: ~ 7,3K

[Previous] [Chap] [Next]

Masterlist

Warnings (general*): Language, Mentions of (Physical abuse, Death/ Loss of Loved One, Child Abandonment/Neglect, Divorce, Toxic Parents, Cancer, Mental disorder, Anxiety Attack, Alcohol, Food), Suggestiveness (?), A dickhead on a party

Notes: Being honest here, I don’t know what happened to my writing on this one. I didn’t actually like how I wrote this but I can’t think of how to re-write it either, so I’ll let my appologies here.

Oh yeah, I removed the #fluff tag because I think that some later chapters may be too suggestive to put a #fluff. Anyway, I prefered to remove it. But it will still have fluff moments, so I let it on genre.

Updates: I’ll update it once a week [Tuesdays] because I still have to write the chapters to come and review the ones I already wrote

                                                     ///

   You stood there, arms crossed, no one to be seen.

   Hyunjin promised he would show up during your shift so you could finish your part of the project, which he didn’t, as anyone could see since you were standing there alone, closed library behind you in silent mockery. You tapped your foot, anxious, eyes wandering around the place, searching for any signs that he would be coming, even though at this point you were pretty sure he ditched you.

  You checked your clock, 8:03 PM, exactly six hours and three minutes late. Well, not exactly six hours, since he could have shown up at any time on your shift… You began to bounce your leg, restless, wondering where the hell he was. All you wanted right now was to go home, lie on your bed, and sleep in peace, ignoring all of your assignments you promised yourself you would be doing tomorrow since Monday at this point.

   There was something about Thursdays that kept you happy, though.

   It wasn’t as great as a Friday but it wasn’t as awful as a Monday, so you held on to this pleasant feeling as you decided to give him ten more minutes before you gave up on him and call it a day. You heard fast steps from your right, eyes trailing there to recognize a tall figure running in your direction, breath uneven, indicating he had been running for a while.

   “Oh, thank Lord!” You looked surprised at him, his voice sounded relieved when he finally reached you, hands resting on his knees to recompose himself “I swear to God, I didn’t mean to keep you waiting! I had to talk to Professor Kim and he just kept me waiting forever, I’m so sorry” He sounded sincere enough for you, so you waved your hand, shrugging it off.

   “That’s okay, Mr.Kim can be an asshole sometimes” You acknowledged, getting a surprised look from him “Yeah, I have classes with him, and God… He sucks” You chuckled when he beamed, agreeing eagerly with you.

   “Yeah! Doesn’t He have anything better to do than making us suffer or something?!” He laughed, straightening himself as he felt better after his run, suddenly realizing who he was talking to and clearing his throat “I mean, that’s not the point… Where should we go to resume our project?” He asked, trying to keep the subject strictly professional.

  “Well, I don’t know about you but I could eat a whole cow right now” You confessed, starting to walk, expecting him to follow you, which he did “I really need to have something right now, so I suggest the dining hall” He scrunched his nose, making you cock your brow.

  “No way! Let’s eat somewhere else” He didn’t sound like he was asking you, so you sent him a look, disdain all over your face “Come on, it’s rowdy there! Also, the food sucks, let’s go to a Café” He pleaded, making you roll your eyes, stopping in your tracks and turning to him with your hands on your hips.

  “You have to be kidding me” You scoffed “You never went to eat there! Also, I don’t have money to go to a Café right now! And they won’t serve anything that feeds me” You argued, making him roll his eyes. He picked up his wallet, holding his credit card between his fingers, waving it in the air, a smug smirk on his face.

  “I can pay for both of us, you can have whatever you want until you’re full” He offered but you shook your head, displeased by his idea. You would never let him pay for you. He would totally believe you owed him something or whatever.

   “What about the food stand?” You suggested “I know a place that has like the best hot dog on campus” He eyed you suspiciously, pondering “Come on! It won’t be rowdy and I can pay and actually full my stomach” You stated, proud as he seemed to really think about your suggestion.

  “I mean, I like hot dogs” He agreed, and you smiled, satisfied with your little win “If I’m nauseous later I’ll blame it on you” He warned, following you anyway, looking kind of stiff as he did, probably uncomfortable to be alone with you.

  “I heard rich brats get nauseous when they eat at non-fancy places... You should blame your weak stomach” You teased, smirking as he scoffed at you. You couldn’t really say that you liked Hyunjin yet but knowing he wasn’t actually as bad as you pictured him was enough for now. You walked side by side, silently, an uneasy atmosphere between you two as both of you wondered if you should be saying something. You never had been alone like this except for Saturday, when you met for the first part of the project.

   You kept silent, hands in your pockets, looking to the ground as you walked sloppily, both of you trying to match each other paces and failing greatly. Relieve washed over you as soon as you spotted the stand, a smile getting to your lips as you pointed at it, mouthing a Right There, just to break the ice, glancing at him to check his reaction.

  “It looks rowdy to me” He mentioned, and this time he was right. Usually, your stand would be almost empty or at least comfortably occupied by two or three people but now there were a bunch of people standing and sitting around it.

  You could recognize some of them as Han’s teammates and a few other players you met because of him, which was enough for you to assume all of the people there played some kind of sport. You shrugged, approaching the stand anyway, waving and smiling to the friendly man that always attended you, making your way through the tiny crowd, bumping now and then in someone.

  “Hey, Mister” You greeted as usual, which made him smile at you, throwing the dishcloth over his shoulder before nodding in your way “The usual, please!” You asked, feeling Hyunjin reaching you warily, clearly disgusted by all the people around “Oh, make it two!” You added, getting a knowing look from the man.

  “Rowdy” He muttered next to your ear, annoyed. You looked around as you waited, ignoring him, noticing that one of Han’s teammates, Minho, was there and approaching you, a teasing smile on his lips as usual.

  “Hey! Waiting for your boyfriend?” He asked with a knowing tone that made you roll your eyes. Minho wasn’t really your friend but he seemed to like you just enough to tease you from time to time, so you just ignored him when you could, especially since his jokes were pretty much suggestive of a nonexistent relationship between you and Han.

   Hyunjin seemed to notice your annoyance because he placed his hand on your shoulder.

   “She’s not interested, Buddy” He said firmly, and you shot your eyes to him, surprised.

   “Oh?” Minho seemed as surprised as you, looking at Hyunjin questioningly “Han didn’t mention you got a real boyfriend…” He frowned, confused “Aren’t you Hyunjin?” He cocked his brow, tilting his head “I see…” He nodded, eyes narrowed. They kept glaring at each other, suspicious and completely misunderstanding everything, so you decided to speak up again.

  “Why are you guys here?” You changed the subject, and Minho averted his eyes from him to look at you, his normal features back to his face.

  “We were practicing” He said as if it explained everything. You kept looking at him, waiting for something more, and he looked back at you, expressionless until he decided you didn’t get him “Well, We usually starve after a practice” He added, and you nodded in understanding.

 “Oh, yeah!” You exclaimed, seeming to remember something “Han told me about the Match… Hm… Good luck with it” You stated awkwardly, expecting him to just leave after the small talk but he stood there. You watched the stand, waiting uncomfortably for your food, the three of you standing stiffly and silently.

  “You got yourself a boyfriend, Miss?” The man asked, smiling at you as he handed both hot dogs, nodding at the hand he kept on your shoulder, both of you oblivious to this. He took it away in a flash, straightening up and coughing, which just fueled the man’s suspicion, his smile widening as he wiggled his brows suggestively.

  “I’m not her boyfriend—“    

  “He’s not my boyfriend—“

  You looked at each other ─ uneasy by the idea ─ as you spoke at the same time, both of you clearing your throat and averting your eyes to look at the man again. You handed him your money, holding the food as Hyunjin paid for his, giving him his hot dog as soon as he finished, gesturing for him to follow you before you waved goodbye at Minho and the man, who gave you a thumbs up in approval, making you cringe.

  You sat down as soon as you got to the stairs, pleased by the silence and lack of people.

  “Well, it was awkward” You mentioned, looking at your food as you ate, getting a snort from him as he sat down “Anyway, now it’s not rowdy and we can talk about our project, it’s not so bad after all” He analyzed his food, seeming suspicious about it, sniffing it before trying to take a bite. You scoffed, shaking your head in disbelief as you bit your own food.

  “Oh! It’s good” He blurted, amazed “Actually, it’s really good!” He said mouthful before taking another bite, this time way more confident about it, looking like a happy child as he chewed.

  “I told you” You grinned, amused “Who knew rich brat would be enjoying a stand’s hot dog?” You teased, making him roll his eyes, though he was too invested in eating to retort you “If someone told me I would be sitting on the stairs someday, eating my favorite food with you, I would tell them to fuck off” You laughed, taking another bite. He chuckled at this, his eyes twinkling as he covered his mouth with his cupping hand.

  “Hm… I disagree, I expected it somehow” He stated after swallowing his food, a hint of amusement in his voice as he turned his head to you and dropped his hand. You looked at him bewildered, raising your eyebrows in genuine surprise, a silent question hanging in your eyes “I always knew me, you and fuck would be in the same sentence one day” He joked smugly, and you had to swallow your food before whining at him.

  “Really? It was going so well” You nagged, making him laugh.

  “Stop it! It was a good one!” He whined back, making you shake your head in amusement.

  “It was literally awful” You retorted, chuckling “I guess you’re not much of a funny guy” You mocked, and he raised his hand ─ gesturing as if the hand could talk while he grimaced ─ to mock you back. You stood there, silently eating, not as awkwardly as you thought it would be, until you noticed him glancing at you now and then. You tried to ignore it, pretending you didn’t notice until it got to your nerves “What?” You grumbled, looking at him annoyed.

  “No, it’s nothing… It’s just…” He eyed you, pensive “I mean, you usually kind of bitchy to me…” He pointed out, cautious “What happened?” He asked curiously, his eyes back to his food while you thought about what to answer, and you noticed how he glanced at you when he thought you weren’t looking.

  “Well, I realized you’re a jerk but not the kind of jerk I thought you were” You explained, and he nodded laughing, amused by your answer “Paris said you’re not as bad as you seem and she’s your psychologist so she would know” You joked, and he snorted at that, looking at you.

  “Hm… So now you can see how awesome I really am” He teased, your eyes rolled again, a sigh leaving your lips.

  “Let’s focus on the project before I give up on you, Shall we?” You pleaded, finishing your food before trying to get your notebook. The motion was interrupted by a high pitched voice, though. You raised your head to meet an anxious Han in front of you, his eyes darting between you and Hyunjin, breath uneven. He closed one of his eyes and scrunched his nose, catching his breath, before he leaned on the handrail, apparently trying to look cool, which was nothing but funny.

  “What’s up” He said not so smoothly, smiling awkwardly, eyes finally setting on you “I heard you were close so I came to check you out” He said, shaking his head profusely “No, I mean! Check on you” He corrected promptly and you cackled up.

  “Yeah, I heard you guys were practicing… How was it?” You asked, and he shrugged.

  “It was fine, I guess… Speaking of which, I met Minho after the practice and He told me you were around, so I thought of asking if you will come to my match next Friday” You frowned, confused. You were pretty sure he asked it on Tuesday when you had lunch together and you said you were going to go with Paris…

  “I’ll be coming for sure” You reassured him anyway, silence falling upon you three, the awkwardness of the situation made you cringe, hands clasping on your lap as you looked at Han, expecting someone to say something or at least for him to leave so you could finish your project.

  “Great…” He smiled half-heartedly, looking at both of you in wonder “I mean, it will be a great Match” He added, apparently thinking about what he was going to say next “So… What are you doing?” He sat beside you, throwing his arm around your shoulder and bringing you closer to him, making you scoff. You opened your mouth, ready to answer him when Hyunjin decided to join the conversation.

  “We’re getting to know each other” He said with a sickeningly sweet smile “We have a lot to talk about so…” His sentence hung in the air, hinting he wanted Han to leave, and you closed your eyes, sighing, knowing he would take this in the wrong way. Were you ready to listen to Han complaining about Hyunjin again? Not after a long day, on a Thursday night, when you just wanted to finish your obligations and go home.

  “Oh? She mentioned you’re doing a project together” You sighed in relief, opening your eyes again, glad it seemed to take a good direction. Han exclaimed, apparently remembering something as he looked at Hyunjin “Sorry for the punch, man… I was so sure she cried because of you… I mean, we all know you’re kind of a jerk to girls, right?” Okay, so it wouldn’t take a good direction at all. You sighed, averting your eyes to Hyunjin, who arched his brows, head dropping a little, hiding his amusement “Also, thanks for not making a big deal out of it” He added, more friendly.

   “That’s okay, man… You didn’t hurt me at all” He smiled obnoxiously “Also, I get it… It must be hard for you to worry so much about a friend getting hurt and have me around them, right? I know it seems like I’m a jerk but Y/N herself said I’m not that much of a jerk, right?” He looked at you, smile plastered on his face, and you nodded warily, confused why they were bringing you into their silly argument “I can assure you I’ll treat her well from now on, no need to worry” Han scoffed, turning his head away and shook his head in disbelief.

   “I sure hope you do” He rolled his eyes, tightening his side hug “She can take care of herself though, so I trust she won’t even need me to beat the crap out of you” Both of them looked at each other in feigned friendliness. It was like a solid block of uncomfortableness was settle between you three, a few moments of silence and their glare were enough to raise it to the point you had to clear your throat.

   “I guess that’s enough, don’t you think?” You spoke up, making them look at you “Han, I understand you’re worried about me but I have to finish this project with Hyunjin and, as you said, I can handle myself just fine” Han averted his eyes, embarrassed “You both have a damn tangible fragile masculinity if you think fighting over if a punch hurt or not can make you win an argument” You rolled your eyes, and Hyunjin scoffed “Also, don’t bring me into your arguments” You added, looking at them disappointed.

  “Well, he was the one who started it” Hyunjin argued, raising his hands in surrender “I wasn’t even talking to him! I’m being friendly enough just by not hitting him out of nowhere” You sighed, tired “Especially since at least I would have the decency of not knocking you behind your back” He gave Han a tight smile, raising his eyebrows, emphasizing his point.

  “Stop it” You asked, hand sweeping your hair “Look, Han is our friend, Hyunjin… Paris and I hang out with him all the time, okay? Han, Hyunjin is our partner and he will be hanging out with us at least for a week, so you guys can just endure it or get along instead of pissing me off” You suggested, getting up “It’s pretty late anyway, let’s call it a day, I’m tired” You decided, ready to walk away from them.

  “You’re right” Hyunjin agreed, getting up “We should be friendlier, Han… I mean, who knows what could happen after this project? I think Paris is a sweet girl and I’m almost getting along with Y/N here” He patted your shoulder, and you narrowed your eyes at him, suspicious “You know what?” He asked, hand over his mouth as if he had just realized something but his eyes gave him away, he was trying to be an ass “I love volleyball!” He clasped his hand “What about I watch your match with them? It would be such a bonding time, right, Y/N?” You could tell Hyunjin was being sarcastic, so you scoffed at him, nodding.

   “Absolutely, Hyunjin… I think you will love it! You should even bring Chan along, see if we can form a gang or something” You mocked but Han grimaced, low key disgusted.

  “No need, we can just ignore each other until your project is done” He suggested, making you laugh at that. The poor boy couldn’t even think about getting along with Hyunjin, maybe he disliked him even more than you did. You looked at Hyunjin, waiting for him to laugh and let it go but he didn’t, he smiled to Han, scorn dripping from his lips.

  “What are you talking about?! Aren’t you worried I’m with Y/N and Paris all the time? Let me show you how I can be great for them” He threw his arm around you, bringing you closer “Next Friday is the deadline for our project, so it’ll be great to hang out and celebrate that we did it, right? We can even go out to eat after it! I’ll pay it” He offered, and you couldn’t believe your own ears. How could they be so freaking ridiculous?

  “I can eat a lot” Han warned, jaw clenched as he gave a fake smile at Hyunjin.

  “I have a lot of money” He smiled back, mockingly “So that’s it! You walk her to her dorm or should I do it? Are you comfortable with it?” He sneered, a fake sympathetic grimace over his face. You sighed, getting his arm off of your shoulders and starting to head to your dorm on your own.

  “I’ll let you two being despicable, don’t follow me” You grumbled, walking away from them.

                                                                      ///

   Your head throbbed like someone had hit it with a bat.

   You closed your eyes; your head rested against the wall, the sinking feeling of relative silence on your brain relaxed your body and enhanced your senses, making you realize how deafening the blasting music was. The newfound “silence” sounded like a whistle, it felt like your brain was trying to push your skull away and somehow it blocked your ears, clouded your thoughts.

  You hated parties.

  You opened your eyes, studying the green grass in front of you, few people standing or laying down there, as tired as you by the excruciating loud music and crap experience that college parties offered for their dear students. It wasn’t like drinking and dancing were the worst things you could do in this world… The problem was that people didn’t seem to care about everyone around them while they did this.

  You would be getting some bruises tomorrow morning.

  Why couldn’t one just dance like a normal fucking human being? Why they must spread arms and legs and hit everything around them? Why can’t people just go away and kiss normally? Why they must try to swallow each other’s face right there in the middle of the way, obliging you to walk next to dancing people that liked to hit things around them? Why didn’t you just elbow everyone around just to get your way out there to the front yard?

  Too many questions to your tormented mind.

  It would be easier to have stayed home, doing the damn essay.

  When you arrived home earlier, weighing your options and considering deeply how it would be better for you to just stay there, you should just have listened to yourself. You could be sleeping right now. All of this was extremely pointless as Paris was somewhere dancing like a tube man and Hyunjin was somewhere else probably fucking like a rabbit.

  Which wasn’t any of your business, of course.

  You sighed.

   It wasn’t easy to let go of your grudge against him.

   If you were honest with yourself, it was way easier just to feel disgusted at Hyunjin forever, let your disgust for yourself sink into him as if he was you, and never deal with it. Although it was easier, it wasn’t right. That was exactly the reason why you were trying to take it easy on him, trying to let go of all your previous feelings for him. So what if he didn’t need to work as hard as you to get the same results? Chan didn’t need it either and you loved him. So what if he wasn’t considering people’s feelings when he just left them behind?

   You didn’t consider it either.  

  From Tuesday, when you had your talk to Paris, you had been thinking about it.

  You thought about it all Wednesday, brooded it on Thursday, and here you were pondering about it on a Friday night. Paris was right when she said you were being childish. She was even more accurate when she made you realized you were projecting things on him so you could deal with it, denying what you really felt. You felt like you were a monster. And you couldn’t keep pretending you didn’t know it.

   You had to face it.

   And you didn’t want to.

   That was exactly one of the reasons why you were there, in the front yard, sitting by yourself without a single drop of alcohol on your body… Afraid you would rely on it to run away from your problems like the coward you were. You swept your hand through your hair, trying to get the heavy thoughts away, looking slightly to the side, catching a glimpse of long legs making their way to you.

  “Hey” You lifted your chin, eyes meeting Hyunjin’s mocking smirk and amused eyes “Having fun tonight?” You scoffed, nodding half-heartedly, watching as he sat down beside you, bent knees serving as an armrest for him.

   “Didn’t find someone to fuck yet?” You retorted, making him laugh.

   “Do you think I’m some kind of needy bitch or something like that? I don’t need to fuck 24/7” You laughed, nodding in wonder. So he could just enjoy a party? Well, that was incredible considering you couldn’t find a thing to enjoy in this damn place “And you? Didn’t find anyone to roast yet?” You scoffed, turning your head away, tongue pressing the inside of your cheek in annoyance.

  “I’m roasting all of them right here” You pointed out to your head, tapping your finger on your temple, looking at him as if it was obvious “Also, do you think I’m some kind of annoying bitch or something like that?” You whined, and he shook his head, seeming to think about it.

  “Not really, now that you have acknowledged my amazingness, I think we’re cool” He joked, making you snort. Hyunjin had this kind of horrible humor that reminded you a bit of Chan, a lot of teasing remarks that made you want to pinch the bridge of your nose and leave them talking by themselves. However, at least not feeling like fighting him every time he opened his mouth, even though he kept being kinda jerky to you, was a victory you would take for today.

 You ignored him, intending to keep your good job at being a responsible human being.

 “See? Usually, you would be roasting me at this point, I’m impressed” He teased again, seeing you were still cool with it.

  Well, he did make it hard to befriend him.

  “Just shut up” You rolled your eyes “I can’t believe Paris convinced me to come… I should have obliged Chan to come, he would stay with me” You whined, resting your head on the wall, eyes wandering in the starry sky, a sigh leaving your lips.

  “Two old hags complaining in the yard, it would be hilarious” He agreed, looking around, eyes attentive to some girl who walked through, intending to go back to the party. You scoffed as he bit his lip, eyes scanning the girl from head to toe “Hm… I think you’re right, I’m a needy bitch” He stated bluntly, and you laughed at him wholeheartedly.

  “Your words, not mine” You reminded him before he got up, winking at you before he tried to make his way to the girl.

  When you said ‘tried’ you meant you made him stop in his tracks as you jolted fast as lightning, your voice sounding loud and clear as you rushed forward to the second reason you didn’t have a single drop of alcohol on parties like this.

  Drunk Paris.

  “Noooo” She whined, a random guy held her wrist firmly, dragging her as she staggered, trying to free herself “I don’t want you!” her voice slurred and she stumbled as she tried to pull her arm back, wailing when his hand didn’t move an inch. You didn’t lose your time and grasped his shoulder, hold firm enough for him considering looking back at you.

  “Let her go” You demanded, voice cold as steel, eyes burying into his “Now” You emphasized but he scoffed at you, his free hand grabbing yours and tossing it away, a scorn grimace painted his features, which didn’t help you to placate your anger.

  “Or what?” He challenged you, pushing you lightly but you didn’t budge an inch; feet firmly stuck on the ground and eyes burying bullets through his brain “She was throwing herself at me!” He uttered “Don’t get in the fucking way if you can’t get laid” You prepared yourself to fight him, fist raising as you intended to hit him right on the face, interrupted by someone gently grabbing your wrist.

  “Let her go, dude” Hyunjin sounded calm, but you could feel his grip tightening, clearly upset by the situation. Oh? So he gave up on the chance of fucking some cute girl to defend Paris? You were impressed.

   “Are you her boyfriend or something?” The guy furrowed his brows, and that was it. Why the hell he couldn’t respect your demand but he asked if Paris was his damn girlfriend? You raised your leg, a straight kick to his crotch making him let go of Paris, hands shooting to his little friend.

   “Holy-! Oh, damn!” Hyunjin squeaked, startled at your sudden outburst. You ripped your hand from his grip, guiding Paris to his arms as you approached the guy, pushing him to the ground and grabbing him by the collar.

  “No, she’s my girlfriend, dickhead!” You spat, pulling him closer to your face “Take a girl’s word when they give it to you, jackass! Why does it fucking matter if she has a boyfriend?!” You shook him, letting him go as you saw his scared eyes, rolling your own.

  The guy was a joke.

  “Come on, Hyunjin!” You shot a look at him and he quickly took Paris in his arms, like a princess, following you eagerly as you stomped out of the place, making your way to the car “Did you drink something?” You asked angrily and he shook his head promptly, denying any alcohol in his system.

  You both walked in silence, your mind stressed about the jerk who tried to take Paris away like this. That was what you hated about parties! All of them were like this! You would have to take care of a drunken Paris in the end, trying to get her out of the grip of all kinds of jerks. Hyunjin, on the other hand, seemed to worry about your capability to kick someone’s dick, which made you want to laugh for a split of a second but you didn’t.

   “Hm… Does this always happen?” He asked when you finally reached the car, searching for the keys in your pocket ─ even if the car was his ─ because you didn’t trust him enough to be with it and bail on you to go away with some random girl.

     Where the hell was that damn key?

  “Is it with you?” You asked, ignoring him, hands groping your pockets, fingers trying to find any lump that could suggest the presence of his keys “And what do you mean? Paris being taken away by some random jerk? Yes, every single time” You huffed “I swear to god… Where is that damn key?! Argh!” Hyunjin eyed you cautiously.

  “Maybe you forgot it back there?” He suggested, clearing his throat when you glared at him, pissed off.

  “Great! Now I have to go back there to get the damn keys” You whined, head dropping back, eyes looking at the sky, hoping for some mercy “Lovely!” You spat sarcastically to whoever wanted to listen to you up there. Paris perked at this, eyes looking for you, glossy, giggling like she was having the time of her life, totally lost in her own world.

  She looked at Hyunjin.

  Not like eyes wandering around, like really looked at him.

  Hyunjin straightened himself, uncomfortable under her gaze, and she nudged into his chest, humming as she rested her head in the crook of his neck, letting a satisfied sigh leave her lips. Okay, you never saw Paris nudging on someone. One of the things you were very aware of Paris was that even though she looked bubbly and sociable she never touched anyone that wasn’t you and Han, and even so, she didn’t hug you or things like this… She grabbed your hand, she let Han’s arms around her shoulders, and that was it.

  She would never nudge someone even if she was drunk.

  “I love you…” She whispered, and both you and Hyunjin widened your eyes, shocked.

   You knew it!

   Of course, it couldn’t be a coincidence that Paris wanted you to bond with Hyunjin! She liked him and… No! She loved him! Holy Shit! What the fucking hell was happening?! You looked at Hyunjin, looking for any signs of reciprocity on him but he looked horrified by the idea of someone loving him. Maybe he was horrified Paris loved him. He looked back at you, pale as a ghost, mouth agape trying to say something on his behalf.

  “… Han” Paris grinned, happy with her confession, and tightened her grip around Hyunjin’s neck.

   Wait- What?!

   When the hell did it happen?! This time your mouth fell agape, eyes still connected to Hyunjin’s, which seemed relieved like she just took the entire world from his shoulders. He chuckled, sighing, his eyes softening as he tried to not laugh straight into your face.

  “We didn’t hear a thing” You stated, noticing Paris seemed to fall asleep in his arms, eyes darting to her and then to him “She’ll freak out if she knows we know it” You put your hand on your head, taken aback for the turn of the events. Paris liked Han?! Since when? Why didn’t she tell you? Actually! Why didn’t she tell him?! He was totally into her! What the bloody hell?

  “She won’t remember anything in the morning, she’s wasted” He reassured, still relieved he wasn’t the target of such huge affection. You rested your hand in your chest, trying to reorganize your thoughts, feeling a strange object right there between your breasts.

  The keys!

  You buried your hand inside your shirt, startling Hyunjin, who took a step back, shocked at your sudden behavior, and this time you chuckled, fishing the keys that rested inside your bra. You tinkled them in the air, a proud smirk on your face, and he furrowed his brows, confused by the sudden catch.

  “Why?” He asked amused before you finally opened the door, opening the back door for him so he could lay Paris on the back seat, closing the door and sitting on the passenger’s seat right after as he made his way to the driver’s seat.

   “So I wouldn’t lose it” You answered as soon as he came into the car. He put the keys on the ignition, starting the car “The guy made me mad for a moment, I totally forgot it” You admitted and he laughed.

 Then it was silent.

  You didn’t realize before how much Paris talked on your way to the party, making sure the mood was light as you headed there, joking around and mediating the conversation, preventing you both to get quiet or fight over useless things. The silence hung there heavily, both of you sat straight up, eyes fixed ahead, body stiff as the car moved smoothly, not a sound to complain or be enough to use as a subject.

  Maybe you should comment about how silent was the car? Like a… Good car? You didn’t know much about cars to be fair. You glanced at him discreetly, his eyes focused on the road, lips tight, hands gripping the steering wheel firmly. You opened your mouth, ready to say anything to break the ice but Paris beat you to it.

  Out of nowhere, she snored, startling both of you.

  You chuckled, finding fun on how she made sure to help you bond even in her sleep, and it seemed to make Hyunjin more relaxed, his hold on the steering wheel loosened up, mouth opening for few seconds before he shut it, unsure if he should try to say something. He glanced at you, noticing you stared at him silently, waiting for him to voice his thoughts, so he cleared his throat, averting his eyes.

   “So… Han, hm? Who knew she liked him” He said nonchalantly, eyes focused on the road again “How do you feel about it?” He sounded curious like he was thinking about something, more like he was trying to gather information than talk to you friendly.

  Maybe you were just defensive.

  “Nop” You popped, crossing your arms, tapping your foot quickly “We’re not talking about this, she doesn’t want us to know or she would have told me this while she was sober” You stated, decided on dropping this subject.

  “Avoiding the talk, hm?” He said knowingly “I didn’t think you liked him too” You frowned, narrowing your eyes at him. You didn’t like Han, not like Paris, he was strictly a good friend. You opened your mouth but changed your mind, not wanting to give him what he wanted “Oh? No denying? I guess I read you wrong…” He contemplated and you rolled your eyes.

  “I don’t like him” You said simply, knowing it wouldn’t be enough to shut him up. Surprisingly, he did shut up, and you felt glad everything was going the way you wanted. Maybe it was better if you didn’t talk… Too soon for being too friendly? Probably. You would take it as a win if you could just not fight him for now.

  Good enough for you.

  He didn’t seem to agree though.

  “You’re right” He agreed, smirking “How can I assume you like someone? Sometimes I doubt you even like your own mother” He joked but you couldn’t find it amusing. You sent him a glare. It was cold enough to express your disliking and you decided to give him a few seconds, a silent chance for him to apologize to you but he didn’t. He shrugged. He shrugged it like he didn’t see your disapproval, even though you knew too well he saw it in your eyes.

   He focused on the road again, simply choosing to stay quiet as if he didn’t just offend you, as if he wasn’t trying to offend you in all your interactions until now. You scoffed, amazed by how he could be a jerk even though you were treating him well, going out of your way, and being friendly enough to not snap at him. You looked away, focusing on the blurring figures outside, the sudden silence sounded like a kettle’s rattle inside your mind, triggering you as your thoughts seemed to gurgle in your brain.

   “Okay, that’s it” You snapped, looking at him “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Your tone was challenging, and you felt how your face twisted, the anger boiling on you “I’ve been trying to be friendly to you and all you can do is being an ass! Care to share your thoughts?” You grimaced, clasping your hands together, waiting for his answer.

   "Well, shall I remind you that you were the one who started it all?" He grimaced, glancing in your way for a split of a second but his eyes returned to the road. Well, was that his defense? You should know he would be childish about it and get stuck to this for the rest of his life.

   "Yeah, and I am the one who's trying to stop this!” You argued, fixing yourself on your seat, the urge to gesture and shout at him increasing but you tried to think about Paris on the back seat, sleeping peacefully, “And you are being a jerk even though I'm being more than friendly to you but you keep being an ass!” You hissed, trying your best not to raise your voice.

  "Oh?!” He sneered “You call this being more than friendly? Well, such a nice friend you are! I must have missed so much by not hanging out with you before" He pouted, eyes in mock sadness and tone in feigned disappointment. You scoffed, nodding to calm yourself, trying to let part of your anger fade by moving your head.

   It didn’t help.

   "See? That's exactly what I'm talking about! How the hell Chan can put up with you?!" You complained, gesturing angrily, and for the first time in the conversation, he seemed to be taken aback, his silence giving him away. Did you hit a nerve? You suppressed a victorious grin, watching as he opened and closed his mouth, thinking about what to say.

    "Well, I know him far longer than you so I’m the one who should be asking this!" What a great retort. You snorted, giving him a pointed look, a smirk adorning your lips, the smugness gushed from you as you grimaced at him.

   "No, you don't” You grinned obnoxiously “I'm his friend since high school,  and you're just a freak roommate that somehow he got to like even though you're a fucking jerk!" You tightened your lips, eyes scrunching as you sent him all despise you had inside you. He scoffed, averting his eyes off the road and looking at you dumbfounded by your boldness.

  "Get your head out of your ass!” He rolled his eyes, averting them again. At least he was a responsible driver… Something good had to come out of him “I know him since we were kids!" He bragged, smirking as if he had won something with this statement.

  "Hm, such a great friend you should have been if he didn't talk about you once" You scorned, rolling your eyes and crossing your arms again, keeping your eyes on the road, fed up with him. He went silent once again, brows furrowed, a serious look on his face before he finally spoke up again.

  "He didn't talk about you either" He retorted quietly, almost as if he didn’t want to say this… Like he was lying right into your face and felt ashamed by this. You scoffed, sensing you were about to win your argument, the side smile you gave him threw him off.

   "Maybe he just didn't talk to you that much… I’m sure he talked a lot about me, I’m his best friend” You gave the final blow, getting off on the feeling of superiority that sank into you, his snap was the signal you needed to know you messed with him just like he liked to do with you.

  "I don't give a fuck" He spat.

   He totally gave a fuck about it.

  "Yeah? It doesn't sound like you don't give a fuck" You teased, the side smile was now impossible to hide, almost turning into a grin. You leaned back on your seat, relaxed, the anger that overflowed of him made your night.

  "I don't care what you think, I don't give a fuck about you" He barked. You stared at his hands, knuckles turning white with how strongly he held the steering wheel, his stern look told you that was enough but something within you needed to show him he didn’t win this.

  "Really?” You taunted “Because it looks like I hit a nerve… Is little Hyunjin scared he's not as much of a friend as he thought he was?" You mocked, and that was it. He braked abruptly, making your body jolt forwards, the seat belt holding you back. He hit the wheel, eyes turning to you with nothing but rage. You heard Paris whine on the back seat but she didn’t speak up, probably going back to sleep.

  "Fuck it” He shrugged, laughing humorlessly “Get the fuck out of my car" He ordered, voice unwavering and cold, not a single doubt in his eyes. You let your mouth fall agape, astonished by his sudden snap. Well… Not that it was that hard to imagine, you kind of set him off here.

   "You gotta be kidding me” You blurted, looking around, the darkness outside was enough to make you feel lost, not recognizing where you were, your eyes shot back to him “Are you going to drop me in the middle of nowhere?!" You asked shocked. Even though he was mad, you didn’t really expect him to leave you to die here.

   He looked at you intensely, almost searching for your soul.

   You kept quiet, looking back at him.

   "Fuck” He sighed, averting his eyes, hands wandering to the keys, starting the car again “No" He answered tiredly.

  It was needless to say that both of you stayed quiet for the rest of the trip.

[savrenim]

hi hi hi. so I just got into the Hamilton fandom, I swear I am four years late where did everybody go, and, well. I am apparently a hamburr shipper. bcs that is my life now. anyway I saw your fic ifmlam and I swear it is my favourite of all the fics I've ever read (and trust me I've read literally thousands). I love it so so much, how do you write fics like that??? I cried about four times during the whole thing, I stayed up till 4am reading it even when I had to wake up at 7 because it is just. that. good. I could not stop thinking about it for days afterwards and ifmlam has just ruined me. I can't think of listen to Hamilton without thinking of ifmlam anymore.

on to my qursttion: is it abandoned? of course it's perfectly FINE if it is. don't let anyone tell u differently, your fic is YOURS and u are amazing.

but pls I really need closure from ur fic, it has been haunting me if its abandoned or ongoing and I've read ur other fics and they are just chefskiss and thank you so much for writing them all. thank you thank you thank you, I will never be able to thank you enough for writing this fic and for everything it's done for me. I am probably thousands of miles away but I am sending you virtual jugs through a co.puter screen right now.

(don't feel pressured to reply to this or update it flam, I know how overwhelming it can get with so many messages and after a while u get desensitized to it. u can literally reply "thx. itfmlam is abandoned" and I would still be amazingly star struck. anyway has gotten way too long and I need to sleep and I'm sorry u probably won't see this so I'm just talking to myself right now but bye!!)

and thank you so so much for writing itfmlam.

aaaah hello anon!

thank you so so much???? I am so??? honored??? that ifmlam rates so highly to you, and also that you've read my other fics??????

the answer to the "is ifmlam abandoned" question is probably the worst possible one, which is pretty much "I do want to finish it, both for the folks that still want closure as well as it bothers to me have abandoned projects that are in the public eye/ already partially published, but also, it is last on my current writing projects list"

my current actually active writing projects list, kind of in order of priority, is

I'm literally three chapters away from being Actually Fully Done with the not-quite-first-not-quite-second let's call it 1.5th draft of an actual?? full?? original?? novel?? Opus which of course then goes out to beta readers and then gets who-knows-how-much edited and then maybe beta readers again if a lot does change and then a copyeditor my mom, my copyeditor is my mom, and maybe my little brother he's one of the betas but is very good at catching typos and then I!!! get to publish it!!!! which is the single thing I am most excited for!!!!!!!!! this should be closed up in the next week or two, and then take a while for people to actually read the draft and get back to me.

I really desperately want to finish my open-but-like-90%-written fic, which means we raise it up, the final chapter of to the bottom of the river bc I realized that it was kind of incomplete, and the second chapter of a buried and a burning flame because any more work there will need to wait until the author publishes the next book in the series. this should be closed up in the next month or two.

Speedwrite the draft of the second book of the Opus series so that hopefully by the time book 1 edits are happening, I have an almost complete draft of the second book. this is mostly me side-eyeing myself about taking nearly four years to write the first book, but that is solidly in part because I had so many other open projects which point 2 is about clearing that docket. this should be done in the next year.

And then just have my major projects be, at least until books 1-5 are written and published, books 1-5 of that because that is arguably the first major 'plot arc' of the series, so if I'm looking for a pause point on writing, that's probably where to stop.

There are two or three other short side projects (a weird fun second person short story tentatively titled witch-queen, a collection of four short stories Memoirs about a not-so-evil necromancer and the shenanigans he gets up to trying to rule a kingdom, working title Perfectly Normal Recipe Blog which is a collaborative project about a perfectly normal recipe blog that definitely doesn't include anything out of the normal) that will happen when they happen

There are other projects that are on the backburner -- The Numanok Files, a series of probably 12-15 short novellas about a mercenary/ bounty hunter esque person in space whose specialty is dealing with hauntings, but, like, 80% of their jobs is actually "you are effectively a space home inspector pointing out faulty wiring reacting to solar flares/ there's a weird alien fungus/ it's carbon monoxide okay change your atmosphere filters" and 20% of it is punching ghosts; there's a post-post apocalypse novel that I want to write that I know characters and general pacing and half the setting but need to work out the other half and figure out how much aesthetic I want to commit to; there's Strangeside7 aka spacerace book that is my reaction to how much I love how Redline the anime movie commits itself to "no we are about a race, like 60% of the screentime is just fully going to be an utterly ridiculous sci fi space race"; there's even a ridiculous YA trilogy that I would have to completely transplant the setting but might end up writing because the interplay between angel-physics and physics-physics was one of my favorite things in the world. and I guess the weird ridiculous technically a sequel series to ifmlam that was going to be published as original books that was basically me having fun with 'okay I fucking love star wars prequels old rotting space bureaucracy galactic republic style' except with seers and that also still might happen because it does have some of the coolest sci fi concepts and honestly I thiiiink that's all?

but the tl;dr of that timeline is I'm trying to finish a punch of projects Right Now, so that I can write books 2-5 of Opus, and then when I'm done that (which honestly, my average fiction-writing output is close to 100k a year. if I'm concentrating purely on one project, and writing books that are about 100k, we are talking four years. although my job situation is super up in the air in that period and writing might get put solidly on the backburner as I try to make it in academia, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I will re-evaluate which projects go next, and that's when ifmlam is likely to come up for review.

I do not have any expectations that I will make it as an original author. I'm planning on posting all of my stuff online for free, but, like. it is incredibly difficult to convince people to try out even a piece of free and easily accessibly original work even if one has a huge following, I am a very small fanfiction author, and from what I can tell the majority of the people who are interested in my work are mostly interested in me finishing ifmlam. writing is a hobby for me, and while I'm writing mostly for me--and hence the for me bit at least for the next five years is pretty solidly going to be this series that I am deeply excited about and have sunk my heart and soul into every single aspect of--I'm human, and I don't really like shouting into the void, and I expect if I spend five years publishing to absolutely no response I will either stop writing for a while and do other things gods know my life is busy enough, return to fandom in general to write some other fanfic about whatever I get deeply into, or return to a work that I actually get response to. so ifmlam will probably start getting worked on a bit at that point one way or another. unless, of course, we are in the incredibly rare timeline in which I do make it as an original author, there are people who are deeply hyped for my original works and an actual demand for them, in which case as you may have noticed there are enough ideas there to keep me busy for a decade or two, and they will just get my full attention instead of fanfiction*. in this timeline, I will do what I was considering doing a few years ago, which is officially declare ifmlam otherwise abandoned and make one more giant chapter update which is a full and cleaned up outline of what I was going to write, interspersed with the scenes already written, and have ifmlam be given at least that closure.

*I want to make it clear that I very much love fanfiction and am proud to have been a fanfiction author and in my heart of hearts would keep writing it forever, I just also have a lot of ideas for characters and settings and magic systems and Aesthetics and I have been biting at the bit to write something that is //mine// and all mine and only mine for a while, I don't see original work as superior so much as there are a dozen fandoms that I am currently in and bursting to make content about except oops these fandoms currently only exist in my head, and I want to correct that

of course given how much as writing is my vent activity and I write what I'm in the mood for, there's a chance I'll feel ifmlam cravings before then, just... expect it to take a couple of years for an update, but also for there to be an update one way of another in a couple of years? but as for right now, I'm turning to original writing, because that is what brings me joy.

but I am really deeply honored that it brought you so much joy!!! and while I will never publish spoilers in a public place, if you message me off anon I am perfectly happy to give a run-down of my current plans for the ending, bc I know "wait a couple years and see" is not the most satisfactory of answers! and hey maybe you'll be like me and once you've given Opus a try you'll decide you like it better too, it does have Seers although they are deeply different Seers than in ifmlam but imo it's very gay and fun and at least politics on one side

[r3volutionary-queen]

I’m a v shy reader & sending this is giving me heart palpitations. But I love your work so much. I try to write fic but it’s not even close to being as good as yours. I get lost on following through w/storylines. How do you not lose things in such a big and detailed story? You have so many characters and it all seems perfect.

Hi love! I’m so glad you sent this. I know it’s easier said than done, but there’s no need to worry. This blog, I’d like to think, is pretty chill. This answer is long because I wanted to address a few things ♥️

First off, comparison is a killer. Writing is an art. It carries the fingerprint of each creator making each work beautiful in its own way. If all art looked or read the same it would be so boring. Now, can we all improve our craft? Of course... but that doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of love throughout the whole journey. Your story is beautiful because you love it and I can promise you that there is at least one person out there who looks at your story as their absolute favorite, the story they laugh over, they sigh over, they cry over—the story they drop everything to read.

Now, as far as plot and a shit ton of characters? Ignition is far from perfect. In fact, I over-plot often and it gets me in trouble sometimes. I’ve lost small plot lines (Goose is still somewhere in the Compound, or is he? Has the author forgotten completely about him in the midst of this massive story? Who the hell knows). As a whole though, I spend an insane amount of time thinking about the story and re-thinking ideas. I daydream for weeks. I bounce ideas off a few trusted friends to see if it makes sense. I write out a bare bones summary for each chapter ahead of time. And... as the story is fleshed out, things change. Plots shift. I have to be okay with change and not hold onto the plot with an iron fist. I have a whole document filled with notes and things to bring back into later chapters so I don’t forget in the chaos of the moment. I open that document before each chapter and review what I want to bring in. It’s a lot of work and helps if you hyperfixate, if I can be totally honest.

All in all, do what is right for you. Find the system that works best for keeping track of important plot points and character development. Sticky notes? A word doc? Notes app on your phone? Pen and paper? Any or all of it.

Finally: know that whatever you do, it is beautiful because it is your story and it deserves to be celebrated.

[elliepassmore]

Children of Blood and Bone review

4.5/5 stars Recommended for people who like: magic, fantasy, non-Western fantasy, multiple POVs, A Song of Wraiths and Ruins I really liked the worldbuilding and thought the world was very vibrant. I liked that the story took us to multiple different places so we got to see a wide range of Orïsha's environments and people. Adeyemi did a good job of incorporating maji/diviners-kosidan relationships into each location so that they felt realistic. One town might have a mix of both where the maji/diviners get shaken down by the guards in a 'normal' way while the next might be brutal for the maji/diviners, and yet another might treat them as relative equals. The way the guards treated the maji/diviners was also realistic, unfortunately, and you can definitely see the influences of real-world laws and actions in the ones present in Orïsha. The magic system overall makes sense and I don't think it needs a ton of explaining: diviners as baby!maji who will get their powers from one of the gods/esses at age 13, the magic is usually passed through the maternal line so kids tend to have the same kind of magic as the mom's, and there are chants/prayers/incantations to the gods that allow the magic to flow. Simple enough. However, the incantations end up getting a bit tricky later on in the book. For one, we pretty much always see Zelie using incantations when she calls her magic, but some of the other magic-using characters are never mentioned as using incantations. While some of them, like Zélie, probably remember a few from before the Raid, that can't be true for all of them, especially ones who are too young or who get a power that doesn't correspond with one their parent had. So that bit felt a little rushed, but overall I liked the magic system in the book and Zélie's way of describing magic was interesting. As for Zélie herself: she's got a fire in her and she's determined to get things done, even if she sometimes doubts her abilities to lead. She balances herself quite well between being afraid of the guards and retaliation and rebellion, and generally seems to keep a good balance, though I do have to agree with Tzain that sometimes she does stuff without thinking. I particularly liked how much joy she took from her diviner/maji heritage and her awareness that simply living her heritage was rebellion within itself. There was a bit toward the end where she was getting doubtful about magic which was kind of confusing since she'd also used magic to fight and for more debatable reasons, but whatever. Overall I liked her character. With Amari I was kind of lost at first as to how people could call her a badass, but I definitely get it now. I'll will admit that I didn't and still don't see how she and Zelie are such great friends. Friends, definitely. But best friends? I don't think they're there yet. Something I definitely appreciate about Amari was how willing she was to learn. Some of the things she came into contact with once outside the palace scared her, but she was open to explanations and other perspectives, which was great considering her upbringing (and considering Inan's chapters). I feel like Amari really came into herself in the second half of the book. She finally gets a chance to fight for something she believes in and I think it helped transform her character from someone who shied away from the blade she knew how to use to someone who would wield a sword to defend herself and others. I could definitely see her becoming a commander of some kind in the future, though I'm not entirely sure if 'queen' suits her (I am not entirely certain the title 'ruler' suits anyone in this book). Inan is the last POV character and he was...he was a lot. Amari and Zelie are definitely my favorites, but Inan is someone I could probably do with having less page time. This boy has zero convictions of his own and is completely unable to look past his nose. Unlike Amari, he continues to believe his father's words even traveling around and doesn't really spare a second thought to how reality might actually be. The one thing I'll say in his defense is that Amari did have Binta growing up and was able to see that at least one diviner wasn't bad, which I do think helped for her to generalize this idea to other diviners/maji, whereas Inan didn't have a figure like that in his life. But enough of that. Inan is wishy-washy and swings one way then the other (though never completely all the way), and he is far too willing to return to his old ideals when things get challenging or scary. I mean, for fuck's sake he isn't even really the one suffering most of these times and is still all too ready to give up. Like, please grow a spine, buddy. I do think Adeyemi actually did a really good job of writing Inan in the sense that she manages to capture the effects abuse and gaslighting and show just how much of an effect those things can have on your psyche. So in that sense Inan was a 'good' character, but I don't think he's a good person nor do I like him. Tzain was someone whom I felt was in the background for a lot of the book. He supports Zelie and is willing to go off with her to do all these things and protects her and stands by her even when she fucks up. He is also able to be nice to Amari despite her being the princess and the daughter of the man who caused a lot of his problems. From what we do see of him Tzain seems to have a good sense of humor and is funny at times. He's also clearly holding in a lot of pain, trauma, and responsibility, though he rarely shows it. I definitely think he feels responsible for his father and Zelie and that whenever something bad happens to either of them he feels guilty, even if there was nothing he could've done. While he blames Zélie for a lot of things, which I don't like AT ALL but at the same time understand needing to direct your anger somewhere, I get the feeling he's mostly blaming himself. In terms of relationships. Someone please explain to me why there needed to be any in this book in the first place? Inan and Zélie are the main pairing, which is just dumb af since he wants to kill her for almost the entirety of the book then, after like two whole days of being together, they decide everything's fine and dandy and start kissing. I side with Tzain on this one, even if his phrasing wasn't great. I'll be honest, the Zélie and Inan's whole relationship just confuses me. I don't understand why they like each other other than 'insta-love' and I don't understand 1) why Zélie's willing to Risk It All after Inan being nice for two days, and 2) why she's willing to continue the relationship after what happens with Saran. Perhaps my biggest issue with them is Inan's so-called love wherein he thinks taking away magic will protect Zélie...completely ignoring the fact that part of Zélie is magic. *SPOILER, SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH TO AVOID* That complete and utter dumbass doesn't seem to connect the fact that he stopped feeling Zélie's soul when Zélie stopped feeling magic. Like? Brains? No brains here. *SPOILER END* Okay, moving on. Tzain and Amari have better prospects for romance. Adeyemi set them up from the very beginning, even if Tzain might've initially seen her as a pretty face. They grow to like and respect for one another and I feel like their relationship could actually go somewhere. But why, why oh why does Adeyemi make Amari mention the L-word? Like, honey, you are not in love with this boy after only knowing him a week. Crush, sure. Love, no. But that matters not, since there is at least the potential. Actually, something re: relationships that I felt Adeyemi kind of brushed over (and it seems like other reviews also had this same thought) has to do with Amari. She is very much coded to be bi and it's written as if she and Binta had a romantic relationship, but Adeyemi never follows through with this. I honestly thought that Amari and Zelie were going to be the main pairing of the book at first, or failing that that Amari would have feelings for Zélie, Zélie wouldn't reciprocate, then Amari would move on to another female character. But nope. Nada. I mean, Tzain's good too, but it's just weird the way the whole thing with Amari's romantic interest(s) was/were written. Now onto something else: the throne. While becoming the next ruler isn't an outright object for either Inan or Amari (or anyone else), being heir definitely sits on Inan's shoulders and drives a lot of what he does. Likewise, Amari comes to the realization that if she were the next on the throne she could help the diviners/maji and overturn the laws and the system that her father created. The current king, Saran, sucks all around and definitely doesn't deserve his head being attached to his body. But we already knew that. The point is, Inan is clearly not good for Orïsha because he can't form his own convictions and leans solely on what he's been taught to think is right. He does, however, think he is the only person who can keep Orïsha safe and protected. Amari, on the other hand, knows she won't be queen and doesn't seem to really want to be queen until she realized what that could mean for what she believes in. However, and there's always a 'however,' she also kind of has Mad Queen Energy about her at times after she makes this decision. She is, in my opinion, also not a great contender for the throne. As mentioned, I think she'd make a great general, but there's something about her that makes me hesitate before supporting her bid for the throne. Do I think she'd be better than Saran or Inan? Absolutely. But probably so would Yemi, that doesn't mean she should get the throne. Perhaps I am merely feeling particularly democratic today, but I don't believe an absolute monarch will help Orïsha. If we are being realistic, I don't even know if a democratic one would either, but power in the hands of a diverse many would probably be better than power in the hands of one. Overall I enjoyed the story. I thought the plot was good and I enjoyed going with the characters as they (mostly) struggled to get magic back. Inan served to be a good character for demonstrating how our childhood can influence the kind of people we become and also serves as a nice foil to Amari, who has decided to be the opposite of her brother. Zélie is a good character to follow since she's so alive. She's got so much rage and love and fear and fire that pushes her every step of the way and helps her overcome so many things. I knocked off half a star for the frivolous reason that I don't like Inan and Zélie's romance and don't think it was necessary for the book. I'll be honest, the book was great, it was tough for me to put down even when I needed to, but for some reason I just don't have any desire to find out what happens in the next one. It's a bit like A Song of Wraiths and Ruin like that for me. I just...don't feel it. I don't think it has anything to do with either book since I couldn't make myself finish reading a new book by one of my favorite authors even though I was enjoying it so...just that kind of year, I suppose.

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales Reviews: How Santa Stole Christmas! or Scrooge is kind of a dick

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everybody! Christmas begins on this blog with the last new Ducktales of the season! Time to break out some eggnog, presents and warmth of good family, i’ve got a bushel of Christmas reviews planned for the season, and this one is just the start of htem. As you can probably tell by my enthusasim I love this holiday. Oh sure it has it’s bad sides, paticuarlly several jackasses making huge deals out of the fact some people say happy holidays because “there’s a war on christmas” when really their just petty morons who can’t accept theirs more than one holiday in the month and not everyone likes christmas. I do, but I know not everyone does, and that’s fine. But overall it’s a fine holiday with warmth, cheer, family, generosity and of course, what brings us here today, really damn good episodes and specials of television. It’s just a really warm and cheerful time that , whlie it can bring out the absolute worst in people.. can also bring out the best more often than not. And that’s why I love this holiday. If you don’t that’s just fine, but it’s my blog, I can love what I want. And I love this holiday.. and I loved this episode, a good end to a great run of episodes. So let’s rock around the Christmas tree and find out why Scrooge hates santa, this is How Santa Claus Stole Christmas!

We open with the classic night before Christmas poem.. only naturally since Della is reading it to the boys, it’s Scrooge’s version involving barbed wire and calling the man a traitor because what honestly did you expect. Though I find it ironic a man introduced in a Christmas story has a one-sided blood feud with Santa. The boys are annoyed with this and just want free presents and the presecne of a jolly fat man and don’t get why Scrooge hates him. And yeah.. all of that tracks. They were raised by Donald who, while he clearly spent several years at Scrooges tolerating this feud, likely figured the Feud was just some personal gripe of scrooges and that Santa had done nothing that terrible. Which given Scrooge isn’t personable on the best of days and the episode goes out of it’s way to point out Scrooge has no friends, is entirely accurate and Donald was, as always the sane one in this situation. Plus he was already mad at Scrooge, this was just another way to tell him to go fuck himself. 

The boys hear what they think is Santa on the roof but turns out to be Scrooge, in full Scottish war garb manning traps with webby.. in full chimney camo... putting a knife to Dewey’s throat for siding with santa.. well okay pointing at his throat but still god damn. Every now in then i’m reminded how ready Webby is to murder someone. It never gets easier or less disturbing. The boys.. continue to make a good point: Scrooge says he’s the richest duck in the world and can provide them whatever.. but being Scrooge just gives them itchy hats made of cheap fabric, and bemoans them wanting a trampoline, a new electronic game, and a new phone. And while Scrooge can give them whatever he wants, it’s his money, he also could’ve put some actual thought into it and clearly views the holiday more as a transaction and less for hte acutal sentmient. Instead of giving them personal mementos, or making them personal mementos, or even just simply building them a sled or something, a simpler toy than what they want but still something nice that comes from the heart.. he just gave them the cheapest hat he could find and tries to guilt them for not liking his thoughtless present he probably bought in bulk for everyone in the manor and his employ because he’s kind of a dick sometimes. IT’s good storytelling though as it sets up that Scrooge.. can possibly be int he wrong, so when the main plot comes to his front door, quite literally, there’s some doubt as to wither he or santa is in the wrong. Speaking of which Santa is at the door. So cue the credits and cue the cut for the rest of the plot as is usual. Full spoilers, and full plot under the cut. Ho ho ho. 

First a quick comment on the Holiday version of the theme, the same one from Last Christmas! IT’s really good, a really nice frank sinatra style verison of the theme. Good stuff. My only real complaint is like last time.. there’s nothing unique about it, it’s just the normal season 3 intro but with snowflakes. And that’s.. more on Disney than the creators. If Frank and Matt had the option they would likely do an entirely original intro.. it’s just Disney can be cheap when it comes to intros, see how possesed ludo stayed in the star vs intro long after that plot point was resolved, and only affords one a season. That being said they still have one up on most networks, who, with the exception of Netfix with she ra, never really let intros change more than once, if at all. I mean I get it, budgets are higher here than with anime, they can’t do a new song and intro every half a season.. BUUUT it wouldn’t kill more stuidos to do this more often and do a complete intro overhaul, as it adds freshness, and you can still use the same old theme, just over a new set of pretty images. Most just allow a few swap outs, Disney included, and while I get intros are expensive, this is something you can use for a whole season, or more, why are you like this? 

Anyways one theme song and me complaning about an animation trend I don’t like later, we’re inside the Manor with none of the other adults present because this season hates me. I do actually get it this go round: Besides Della, Donald and Launchpad getting a full subplot in the other holiday episode, they aren’t really needed. In fact most of the episode’s present day is a framing device for the tale of how Scrooge and Santa met and why Scrooge hates him, so for once the minmal use of the supporting cast.. is actually done well. The focus is on Scrooge and Santa, a feud that’s had four years build up in real time, and two years in series and a bunch of months. So yeah, i’m okay with sidelining everyone for once, because this story really needed all of the space and there was no real place for them aside from the climax. This is Scrooge and Santa’s story, with Webby there as an impartial-ish observer. We’ll get to that in a moment.  Also if your curious where in the fuck this episode fits on the series massively warped time scale.. i’m going with this and “The Trickining!” taking place before season 3, since “Astro Boyd” takes place in march, and “Forbidden Fountain” takes place in probably late april, huge thanks to a friend on discord for help with the timeline. Otherwise it just makes no sense whatsover and while it dosen’t TECHINCALLY need to, I prefer the series timeline at least making some rational sense. The world dosen’t have to but time still does. So the boys are at least 12, possibly turning 13. Congrats. Or maybe they just don’t age. I dunno. 

Now time and plot concerns aside, Santa gladly gives the boys their gifts which is.. everything they listed: A mini tramp for Dewey, Legends of Legend-Quest 2 for Huey, and another phone for Louie, which Scrooge dosen’t get. But Louie gets it on 2 levels: One, the one he asked for is probably a nicer model and as someone who just got a very marginally nicer model on insurance, I get it, even if like Scrooge i’m fine as long as mine works, it’s still nice to have more space to do shit. And two, he plans to sell the old one and keep the money. So yeah the boys already loved Santa but now they have every reason to since, you know, Santa actually gave them what they asked for and Scrooge gave them itchy hats because he’s cheap not because he put the slighest thought into it. And no i’m ont letting him get away with that: Again, off list, perfectly fine. Right behind me on my sprawl of book shelves is Weird Al’s biography, a really fun, really intresting book with photos on his career. I did not ask for it, but my mom rightly knew I would love it and got it for me for my birthday, which is very close to christmas, the 16th if you were curious, anyway, and I’ve treasured it since.. and really need to re-read it. My point is you CAN get someone something they didn’t ask for and still have it be something they LIKE. I did that for most of my christmas gifts this year. Scrooge just, as I went on about above, didn’t give a shit and was a bit callous about it so yeah, Santa wins this round.  But Santa naturally needs Scrooge’s help to save Christmas because his ankle’s sprained and he’s out of options. Scrooge.. naturally refuses because, as i’ve made clear this and past episodes, he can be kind of a dick and Santa is one of his worst enemies in his mind. Why help him? So Santa, reluctantly, offers Scrooge the one thing you can get for the man who has everything: An agreement to leave his house alone. The boys aren’t happy about it, but Scrooge reluctantly agrees to the deal. They prepare to mount up though the boys aren’t invited, as Scrooge thinks their too far in the Santa camp and Scrooge does not trust him. Which again is both accurate and fair on their parts as again, he gave them things with well meaning and love, he gave them hats he fished out of the dollar store clearance bin. I mean at least go for the dvd’s and blu rays man. Yeesh. Santa does lightly buy them off by offering them another present if their good boys. Though honestly given Santa in this universe, he probably was going to anyway and this is his nice way of getting them to stay behind to make Scrooge happy. 

So as they take off, while Webby is wary of Santa, she is curious what happened, especially since earlier Scrooge actually did finally voice his gripe, if without any full length explination: Santa took Christmas From him. And Della might know that, Scrooge likely didn’t tell her or Donald the full story and Donald rightly didn’t buy it was that one sided. And it isn’t as we’ll see. Since the episodes divided up into two storylines, i’m once again splitting the difference. This time though I would like to mention the story is beautifully woven in, with both complementing each other: there’s some legit suspense as we wonder if Santa did something really that bad or if he’s lying to webby, or if Scrooge being Scrooge was just exaggerating or holding onto a grudge that was partly his fault. It’s genuinely well done to build up the story and helps really flesh Santa out as a character in both stories. i’m only not doing that because my short term memory, while good enough to hold the story for now can be spotty, and this is a lot less taxing on it. Also parts of this segment happen before the boys leave, but it’s easier this way. Sooooo... 

Times Past: Santa’s Worst Christmas Some time ago... seriously I don’t know. Scrooge was born in the 1800′s and Christmas well existed by then, to the point there’s actually a story starring young scrooge published over seas. Granted the Duck’s are no stranger to christmas, as I already covered Christmas on Bear Mountain for Scrooge’s birthday, and will be covering “A Christmas for Shacktown’ sometime this December. It’s just something worth noting. But given this universe can do whatever it wants, having it invited sometime in the early 1900′s or late 1800s is fine just fine. 

Scrooge is a coal salesman, selling people what they need but getting no shelter as he’s, again, an ass. But in the depths he finds Santa, whose having trouble puling his sleigh, and gets them in the previously closed door with kindess and saying he’s with me. We now get an idea of who Santa truly is: a kind, selfless soul who thinks nothing of himself, and is happy to offer a gift in exchange for something, but does so only in the most well meaning, warmest way possible. In short this Santa really is.. what Santa is at his best in stories; a kind, generous man who just wants to make people happy. He just gave a gift not because he wanted to bribe his way in, but because he was genuinely hoping for some shelter and wanted to be greatful. It also shows that clearly, even if something did happen.. Santa probably isn’t evil. A twist still could’ve come.. but spoilers.. it dosen’t. Santa is genuinely this kind and self sacrificing and noble. He’s just a good person.. and that would ultimately be the problem but we’ve got a lot of subplot to cover.  So Santa parties with what are clearly going to be his elves, and turn out indeed to be elves at the end when the fire goes out and Scrooge is suddenly in buisness.. and he and Santa make a great team, as Santa talks him up and says he can deliver a whole year’s worth of coal all over the world by Christmas Morning, so Christmas DOES exist here, it’s just Santa didn’t which kind of tracks. Well played. I’ll keep my earlier mistake in there though. Keeps me fresh. But Santa offers to help.. after all what are friends for? And Scrooge says their not friends.. their partners. 

And Santa says why not both. And a friendship is forged. And it makes sense.. while i’ts not as tight as it will be, Santa is a warm generous guy who helped Scrooge multiple times just to be kind: He helped him find shelter to repay his kindness helping him.. then helped him sell his coal, when he didn’t have to and while he upsold him on what he could do, did so not out of malice, but so his friend could sell MORE and with eveyr intention of helping. And this friend is someone he just met, is kind of cranky and rude.. but as we all know is a good person underneath and to Santa.. that’s what he sees.. the kind young man who helped him pull his sleigh when he didn’t have to and was already cold and miserable. And that.. that just warms my heart a lot.  But Scrooge being Scrooge has a mystic artifact that could help: The Feliz Navidiamond, a mystic artifact that can seemingly control time he got off a  spanish sailor needing coal. The two head in but encounter it’s guardians. The Magic reindeer! And that’s part of what I love about this episode: besides really getting christmas, we’ll get to that, it has a creative and intresting Santa origin baked into the show’s mythology that also shows off an intresting part of Scrooge’s past. Santa manages to pacify them with jingle bells and our heroes head inside.  In the cavern they find a Giant Snowman.. because this show is fucking awesome and Santa’s attempt to be nice bacfires but Scrooge’s natural paranoia and gumption pull through. It shows off why they make a good team: Santa’s niceties helped them with the reindeer, and netted them future transportation, while Scrooge’s natural grumpus tendencies help when nice just won’t do it. They work well together: one’s a showman and the other hasn’t learned how yet, one is nice the other naughty. It’s easy to see why they worked so well together.. in both senses. They make it past the Snowman and find that the diamond slows down time running on “christmas time!”.. seriously a great pun and one of many this episode. This show had a chance to go all out on holiday puns this go round and they did not blow it. 

But... sadly... and obviously the good times can’t roll forever and when we next return to the story it’s a year later. McDuck and Klaus coal is a MASSIVE concern, and Scrooge is eager to get started... but Santa.. wants to just give gifts instead. To do something Generous. Buisness just isn’t in him and he just wants to do something kind. It’s.. not a bad goal.. i’ts just not Scrooge. To Scrooge it’s a betryal of all he stands for: foreswearing profit to give something for nothing for seemingly no reason and to a younger even meaner scrooge.. it’s an utter betryal.. and a breaking point. Either his daft presents idea.. or Scrooge. And why yes this episode is dripping with ho yay and why yes this does resemble his painful breakups with goldie. And why yes is glorious.. Imean I wasn’t shipping Scrooge with santa before but now? Hot damn. But yeah the two have come to a parting of ways, and Scrooge bitterly leaves, while the elves reveal themselves. And my heart hurts “The Empire Builder from Callisota” bad so thank you and fuck you show.  It also probably shows why Scrooge has exactly one friend, who also works with him so it’s complicated, in present day: He just dosen’t want to let people in... and now we know WHY. The first genuine friend he made, the first person he let into his heart.. betrayed him. It’s no wonder it took decades for Beakly, then the kids to get into his heart again: the guy’s been betrayed by goldie, in his mind betrayed by santa and as we’ve seen his own dad turned against him eventually. He had no one for so long, he built a wall all around him but the wall was too tall and it blocked out all the birds and the son. But this .. is a really damn good story that fleshes Scrooge out and explains his hardness. In the comics it was Glomgold.. here.. it’s much more personal and cuts much deeper. And I absolutely love it. This story could’ve neatly fit into life and times if it made any sense in Rosa’s timeline, and it would be just perfect there. 

PRESENT DAY: Concentrated Awwww

The present day plot is a lot simplier but still fantsatic: Webby slowly warms up to Santa depsite herself.. despite Scrooge clealry seeing she is.. she sees the man is just.. nice. He gives her a new crossbow, a really nice one she probably didn’t even expect to get given you know, everything and knowing scrooge, and appricates the sentiment and slowly sees the man isn’t some monster, but just a jolly old fat man who wants to give presents. Even Scrooge seemingly warms up a little.  We also get tons of cameos during delivery, as they visit tons of supporting cast.. sadly no Darkwing.. but this one was clearly meant to go anywhere and is clealry set before “Let’s Get Dangerous”, but tons of other great bits: We get the Drake recidence with Boyd getting a present.. and somehow also doofus whose filled his stocking full of.. something. I don’t want to know and you can’t make me ask. You can make me ask why the fuck Doofus gets a present, but it could be filled with bees or maybe Santa truly thinks theirs good in him.. which .. yeah tracks. I mean not their being good in him.. I think dr. loomis said it best.. I mean it was about micheal meyers but.. same diffrence minus the patricide?

I mean points for trying though Santa, you mean well you loveable bear in both senses of the word you. But anyways other cameos include Fenton, alsleep with his armor strewn about, aww, with the gizmo armor set to hit people with fruit cake. Thought that was against the geneva convetion but alright. Scrooge’s been hit with worse. We also get them visiting the boat and giving Donald and Della presents, awww. And of course I saved the cameo I put up top for last as Webby visits her closest friend and her gilfriend and gives both an adorable cheek kiss. Though only Lena reacts.. probably because this isn’t the first time Webby’s snuck into their bedroom at night but probably the first time it hasn’t been accidently creepy because she’s still learning boundaries. Also i did not realized they shared a room. Aww. Also it’s the first time we’ve seen their room, which as you’d image from a sorceress and a magical researcher/bookworm, it’s a massive sprawling library from what we see with a skull with a candle in it, a picture of a house, and a calender. IN short it’s perfect and i’m glad we finally saw their room. 

So yeah things are going well and Webby finally realizes “Shit Scrooge is the bad guy in this scenario” at the end of the story, realizing Santa was just as hurt by the split as Scrooge was and that he had to make the harder choihce for the right reasons. Unfortunately, as i’ve said a lot this review, SCrooge is a dick and only coperated, as he wasn’t using the magical present sack, but his own filled with Coal to teach people about responsiblity. Thankfully, Scrooge realizes he’s been a dick to the globe when he happens upon little Jeniffer, a small pig girl who mistakes him from santa and takes his coal, meant to warm her fires.. and makes it into a doll. And resists his attempts to take “Coalette away”... Scrooge then rants and .. we actually get a good reason for why he’s being such a douche... as a kid he had nothing, and a gift of coal for his fires would’ve been welcmoed. He simply just.. dosen’t get the frivolity. He gets the warmth and joy of the season but not the gift part. And it’s only seeing this small, innocent child, play with a doll, he realizes “A warm heart can keep you going through the coldest nights”. And it’s then he finally realizes why his old friend did what he did.. because as i’ve been saying the real gift.. is in the giving.. of giving someone something that makes their memories glow and their heart warm. Even a lump of coal can do that in the right hands... a toy can get someone through the roughest times and it’s the WARMTH of the gift you remember, not the gift itself. I remember that book I mentioned proudly.. as do I remmeber the copy of the art of the venture brothers right next to me, or the copy of the people’s doonesbury my best friend mike bought me, and so on.. not because of the book itself... but because of the thought and warmth of someone getitng something for you because they care, not for their own reward, but just to make you feel nice this holiday season. That’s the true spirit of christmas.  Naturally realizing the errror of his ways in true christmas story fashion, Scrooge is devistated by his own actions. And Santa is PISSED.. but Scrooge is now regretful.. if also pissed because Santa stormed in there and it turns out this was all a ploy to get his friend back... which destroys Scrooge’s anger as he realizes just how much his old friend missed him and how many years he wasted lashing out at him when , in the end, Santa was right. So with only so much Diamond power left, and time running out, what can they do to right this? Simple, Scrooge suggests splitting resources. 

So we get a glorious shot of the three boys, and the twins riding  the reindeer. Also we get Launchpad! 

Who naturally wonders if he can crash a reindeer while Beakly thankfully stops him from murdering Dasher. So Christmas is saved and Scrooge and Santa exchange gifts: For Scrooge, a set of bells with their old company name.. and for Santa? a garage door opener. While Santa’s confused turns out.. it’s to turn off the traps. He’s welcome any time.. just use the front door. Cue a big hug, and Webby narrating us out as Scrooge wishes everyone a merry christmas once again letting people into his heart.  I have.. the approirate response to that. 

Final Thoughts: Excellent, easily one of the best of the season, the series and possibly of chirstmas show episodes all together, we shall see when I put together my list. And given how utterly excellent Last Christmas already is, it was hard to top.. but they did it. This was a warm, wonderful special that gets to the heart of christmas.. and really why I LIKE santa so much. For all the comercailsim around him.. he’ s a kind generous man who gets kids to belivie in magic for a while, wants nothing in return , with the offering of cookies just there to be nice and thank him for being a good person, and just wants best for people. He’s what’s best about christmas rolled into a person. And the series gets that and makes him the kindest guy around. It ends up being a story abotu Scrooge learning the meaning of christmas, an irony that’s not lost on me, but in a way that’s diffrent and unique from last time and works just as well. It’s just a warm wonderful epsiode with plenty of great gags and adventure and a beautiful, unique story at it’s core that could only be told here with tihs cast and this version of scrooge and that’s what makes it so damn magical. Easily a fantastic note to go out on.  Next time on Ducktales: I don’t know! Next time this blog covers ducktales: We’re going back a few seasons to the only episode i’ve never seen, not even a little bit. It’s the treacherous summit of mt neverest!  Until then, if you liked this review, reblog and all that good stuff, follow for more ducks, and if there’s an episode of any show you want me to cover, my cyber monday sale is still going till midnight central, and even past that if you get in a liittle past it, so you can comission a review of any episode for just 3 bucks right now, 5 if you get to this review after monday. So spend if you have it.. and if you don’t.. happy holidays to you anyway. Have a wonderful season. 

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Seventeen

Previous Chapter Here

Warnings: Strong language and an air of discomfort.

Notes: I hope this reads OK as it’s quite dialogue-heavy.

Tags: @kelbabyblue @jennmurawski13

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN 

The night shifts weren’t all bad. From time to time, they were even as good as “pretty straight forward”. They proved especially useful when trying to finish patient notes and random admin that always got left to the very end of the shift. Perhaps they’d endure a tidy-out of the stock cupboards if the crew was feeling generous. Since O’Brien had taken up his post at the hospital years earlier, he had insisted upon mandatory training updates for the ER units every three to four months (the national average was about once a year) so the team were regularly reminded not to set fire to their computers and not to leave boxes in places people could trip over. You’d be surprised how often both those things happened in an emerging crisis. 

“I swear he thinks we’re idiots half the time.” Complained Jack, his head now glued to the palm of his hand. Jack was hurtling towards an early retirement thanks to an ever-increasing distrust of the corporate environment ER departments found themselves in. We trained to save lives, he’d say, not file stat reports. He was so right, it hurt. 

The crew was sat round the reception desk. The ER was empty except for a local homeless man the team allowed in from time to time to sleep off his latest drunken adventures. 

“Who doesn’t know how to bend their knees when lifting something heavy?” Jack asked again. 

“Ryan for one.” Sarah joked, pointing her cold cup of tea towards the fellow nurse in question. Ryan was a tall and skinny guy, not dissimilar to Alexander Skarsgard in the right light but with less charm although he had left a few of the interns swooning of late. Shanna quite liked him, too. 

“One time, Sarah. One time and I suffered for it greatly.” Ryan remarked, spinning a full 360 in his swivel chair. “Did you tick ‘agree’ or ‘strongly agree’ for question eleven?” 

“Oh, if you don’t tick ‘strongly agree’ even if you only ‘agree’, they mark you down a couple of percentage points.” Entered Audrey, slamming down a pile of files on the desk beside Sarah. Their nightly routine just got more interesting. “Just get it over with. It’s not worth the effort. It’s just O’Brien being obsessed with stats again. He turns everything into a competition. I swear it’s unhealthy.”

Ryan looked momentarily confused before returning to face his computer screen. He re-read the question for the fifth time and rubbed his eyes in resignation. Something about 3am made this far too complicated. 

“When did you even find time to do this, Aud?” Jack asked, turning back to Sarah and Audrey in time to witness their shared look self-satisfaction. “I’ve been sat here for half an hour and am still only part way through the first section.” 

“I logged in at home earlier.” she responded before catching Sarah’s quizzical look. “Well, Michael did most of it for me.” 

“Fucking hell!” exclaimed Jack, chucking his pen on the table, giving up. “Got no chance then, have I? Michael’s a bloody genius. Hey, how much for him to do mine?” 

“Normally I’d say $100 but he’s pretty cheap these days.” shrugged Audrey. “Probably a fancy cigar would do.” 

“He still grumpy about the you-know-what?” whispered Sarah to her friend when the guys started joshing between themselves. 

Audrey leaned back on the desk beside her and took the mug from Sarah’s hands to take a sip, grimacing slightly at the sweetness. For some reason, Sarah had to have at least three sugars in her tea if she was drinking it post-midnight. It helped to keep her more alert apparently. She didn’t drink it like that at any other time of the day. “No more than usual. Seems like we’re both unlucky in that department at the moment.” 

Sarah smiled at her in acknowledgement, lips thin before biting the inside of her cheek. 

Following their last meet-up, Chris had been decidedly quiet. Too quiet almost. It was weird. He hadn’t messaged her. He hadn’t called or visited their apartment except to collect a parcel he had left. Sarah has been out for a run at the time and had felt silently glad to have missed him. He hadn’t updated his twitter and there had been multiple sports events occurring that would have guaranteed a humblebrag or five. Shanna had pledged to buy rib-eye steaks for a Saturday night meal during a Celtics game and he had cancelled at the last minute citing an interview he had conveniently forgotten. Even Audrey thought it was weird. If anything was guaranteed to get his attention and bring him out of whatever funk he was in, it was the promise of sports and a ‘Grade A’ barbeque. 

Shanna merely put it down to his laziness or him having something better turn up. Scott had started replacing Chris around their apartment, wanting to get some of his own distance from the tricky Zach situation and it helped her feel better knowing he was at least in touch with him if Shanna wasn’t. He was evidently still alive. 

Sarah decided to swap a couple of daytime stints to partner up with Audrey for the nights. She needed the comfort of working with a good friend to calm her down from whatever ledge her anxiety had placed her on. 

“You know that he’ll come back, right?” Audrey interrupted her thoughts. Maybe Sarah spoke too soon. “Haven’t you got that birthday thing for Lisa coming up?” 

That trip was a couple of weeks away yet. She was trying to bank some reasonable excuses but everything sounded lame in the cold light of day and Lisa was never going to accept her not coming as well. Surely things would have smoothed themselves out by then? 

“This won’t just fix itself, hun, you’ll need to speak to him eventually. And the sooner the better.” 

It was like Audrey had a hotline straight into Sarah’s psyche. It was unnerving at the best of times. Sarah knew she was right of course. It’s just, a little bit of distance would be a good thing, right? Even Chris himself had offered that advice from time to time, and stressing herself out at this point almost seemed counterintuitive. 

“I reckon you could go in an hour or so if you wanted.” Audrey offered, nudging her friend with her elbow to bring her back into the room. “It’s dead out there.”

“I hope not.” Sarah joked, trying to lighten the mood. “We’d be shit at our jobs if that was the case.” 

Audrey laughed for the first time since Sarah could remember that day. It was moments like this that reminded her of why she enjoyed working alongside her so much, and why she didn’t mind if it resulted in overtime. 

“You wanna take patient referrals while I take the EPRs?” 

“How can I refuse an offer like that?” Sarah picked up the dozen or so documents sat in front of her and grabbed the nearest chair. Audrey told her she’d put the kettle on and nudged the guys still glued to their screens. Ryan had pretty much given up logical thinking and was now ticking random boxes. Jack was cursing under his breath. O’Brien was going to be in for a real treat when he could finally tabulate the responses. 

It was nearing 6.20am when Sarah and Audrey finally packed up to go. Matt and Stephanie had just arrived to take over for the morning, bringing a fresh perspective for the day. There wasn’t much for them to catch up on so it should be a smooth few hours at least. Sarah even ran a mop through the staff locker room as an added gift – Steph was a notorious clean freak – nearly tripping Greg up in the process. 

He’d been on leave for the past fortnight and his hair was a little longer than she remembered. A five o’clock shadow graced the lower part of his face and it suited him more than she thought it would. He had kept up with the informal tie-less attire and he seemed to be, dare she it, enjoying himself. 

“God, I’m so sorry.” She held her hands up in a mock mea culpa. “I was just gonna put it away before heading out. It was a stupid place to leave it.” 

“Did you not take the Health and Safety refresher?” he joked, rebalancing himself and trying to play down the redness creeping into his cheeks from the embarrassment of temporarily losing his footing in front of her. 

“You gonna rat me out to O’Brien? ‘Cos you know as well as I do that he doesn’t need yet another reason to know he’s right.” She shifted the mop and bucket and placed them back in the supply closet before reaching for her bag again. 

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” He moved passed her before turning to face her again. “Tell you the truth, I ghosted the last couple of tabs myself. Who knew there were so many ways to ask questions about standing in elevators?” 

Sarah rolled her eyes in acknowledgement. “Yeh. I can’t wait to have the team meeting when he realises we’ve all pretty much done the same thing. That’s gonna be fun. I might finally take some of my holiday.” 

“Yeh, good plan. Hey listen,” His words stopped her in her tracks, feet from the exit. “Um, I know it’s been a while but I was wondering if you might want to reschedule that tennis match some time? Or if not, we could get some dinner or something? There’s that new sushi place on Reagan Street. It’s meant to be really good if you fancy it?” 

She was indeed familiar with that very restaurant thanks to the glowing reviews she had been unable to avoid since it opened. Audrey had only mentioned it a mere thousand times in her presence. Word was that bookings were now months in advance so she wasn’t sure how Greg was hoping to find a table unless he wanted to make plans with her in November. Given the number of commitments he always appeared to have going on, it wouldn’t be completely outside the realm of possibility. 

“Wow, I thought that place was fully booked?” 

“Yeh, it is, but I went to college with one of the investors and he’s promised me a one-off.” 

Of course he did. Sarah bit her bottom lip to stop herself from chuckling out loud, imagining Audrey’s face when she would inevitably find out. To be honest, she was genuinely surprised he was still showing a minor interest in her. When she finally made eye contact with him, his earnestness was practically shining. Had he always had perfect skin?  

“Um…” That was a good start, she thought. 

“Honestly, it’s not a big deal if you’d rather not.” He helpfully pre-empted her awkward rejection but she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. “I’ve been meaning to go is all and I knew you liked sushi and figured it might be fun? They have live Jazz on Sunday nights.” 

When did he find out she liked sushi? And live Jazz? Just how much had Audrey told him about her? 

Realising she probably looked perplexed, she shuffled her shoulder strap back up onto her shoulder and tried to relax the awkwardness setting in between them. It was still quiet and no one was within earshot that she could figure out of her peripheral vision. 

“It’s not you, Greg, I promise. It’s just, I’m not really looking to get into anything right now. With anyone. Plus, we work together and…I’m sorry. I hope that’s OK?” 

“Hey, look, I promise it won’t be awkward. There’s absolutely no expectations from me and if you change your mind, just let me know, yeh? I literally know no one else who likes Sashimi so I can’t waste my only chance to get a table.” He chuckled and she felt more at ease. 

“If it’s any consolation, I’m a pretty crap date.” She smiled at him as she edged herself down the hall, putting space between them both literally and figuratively. “You wouldn’t be missing out.” 

“Oh, I doubt that somehow.” He returned her smile. “I’m serious, though. Just let me know. Anytime. No expiration date.” 

And with that, she had been left dumbfounded by two men in the space of a single week. 

* 

It would have been easier to get the early morning bus home at this time, as tired as she was starting to feel. She hadn’t slept well in the last few days and she had a creeping nausea from the lack of proper rest. The walk and crisp, fresh air might do her some good. It was practically full daylight even at this hour, and it was sometimes fun to watch people on their own way to work, huffing along, trying not to drop their coffees. 

The out-of-town school bus passed her a few minutes out from her apartment and as she rounded the corner, she got this weird sense that someone was watching her. Another corner turned and she could see her building in the near distance. Still, she couldn’t shake it. She stopped, pretending to fumble for her phone in her pocket and turned around swiftly to see a sweaty Chris stop a few steps behind her. 

It took her a moment to register it was in fact him, his beard fuller and a Red Sox cap pulled down low over his eyes. He had sweats and sneakers on and looked like he was on a run. Honestly, if someone else had spotted him from this distance, they would have worried he was going to attack her. 

“Hey,” she said, turning to fully face him. “What are you doing out at this time?” 

He didn’t respond at first. He shuffled from one foot to the other before grounding himself and taking a couple of steps towards her. Again, he shuffled back a step like he was rethinking his move. She didn’t appreciate seeing him like this, so unsure of himself. 

“Five months out from filming some pre-shoots so figured I’d make a start.” He finally spoke. Not a really a smile but he at least sounded OK. 

“Cool.” She said, nodding back at him. “Um, I’m not sure if Shanna is awake yet but do you want to come inside for some water or coffee?” 

“Yeh, that’d be great. Thanks.” 

She turned to continue walking on. For a few long moments, he stayed walking slightly behind her. A couple more strides and he had decided to catch up. The last time it had taken this long to walk this same street, she had been so drunk she had narrowly avoided falling into her neighbour’s front garden. 

“Five months? You’re not that out of shape.” She tried to make a joke. It was the only thing she could think of. Audrey would be eye-rolling like a champ if she could see them now. 

Chris knew she was trying to make small talk now so he decided to indulge her. It was a fair response, he thought - he was doing OK - as he followed her up the stairs deliberately keeping two or three behind her in an effort to keep it casual. 

“Oh, y’know. I fluctuate pretty easily. A few pizzas here and there and it’s game over.” 

They walked into her kitchen and she had been right in assuming Shanna was still asleep. Unless she had awoken really early but that was highly unlikely, unless there was a sale at Ted Baker she didn’t know about. 

He lingered in the doorway while she searched the fridge for a bottle of water. Grabbing one from the back, she turned to hand it to him expecting him to be within an arm’s reach from her but he had been distracted by something down the hall before turning back to her. Gratefully, he accepted it and walked into the kitchen to take up his usual spot leaning against the counter. 

“Sorry, did you say you wanted a coffee?” She offered. 

“Nah, I’m good. Can’t really take caffeine until this afternoon.” 

“Sorry. I always forget how strict it is.” She apologised, offering him a sympathetic smile. 

He took a long swig from the bottle, not breaking eye contact from her. “No need to apologise. You OK? Night shift?” 

“Yeh. Pretty quiet, thankfully.” 

“I’ve always meant to ask but what is it like, a night shift? I can’t work out if it would be worse or not.” 

She understood what he meant and laughed. “It can go either way to be honest but it’s been quiet the last few nights. Nothing crazy. I caught up with some paperwork, so…” She shrugged again, acutely aware of how boring she must sound. 

He nodded at her. “Aren’t people supposed to be crazier in the summertime?” 

“Well, kids are around more and families tend to spend more time together, so…”��

The apartment was unnervingly quiet now which was weird. She could hear the uptake in traffic outside which provided some relief that perhaps he couldn’t hear her heart beating out of her chest. She could make out some small sweat patches on his hoodie and it did something to her that she wasn’t expecting. Shaking the thought from her head, she turned to switch the kettle off. 

“What?” He asked. 

She jerked her head back around to face him. “Huh?” 

“You were thinking of something. Your neck just went red.” He smiled, tilting his head at her and relishing the look of surprise making its way over her features, knowing he’d caught her out. 

That was news to her. She knew she had “tells” but a red neck was not usually one of them. How come no one had ever told her about this? 

“I can’t tell if you’re joking with me or not.” She inquired, playfully narrowing her eyes at him in an effort to lighten the mood. 

He shrugged a shoulder at her, a smirk starting to cross his fine features. Joshing with her was good. She’d take that. A small step in the right direction. 

“Sometimes, it’s really obvious. You get it when you’re embarrassed about something, or when you try to lie. I’d never really noticed it before, but...” He paused. His expression started to turn more thoughtful and she wished he’d just continue to make fun of her instead. 

“Guess I won’t be playing poker anytime soon.” She finished the thought for him. 

“Yeh, no, you’d be rubbish at that. Just terrible.” He took another swig from his bottle and waited for her to throw something at him. 

“Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

The room went quiet again. She stirred her mug of coffee and offered him another chance at one which he politely refused although his discipline was waning slightly now he could smell it. 

“So this is fine.” He said after a couple of minutes, nodding in a slightly exaggerated manner. He looked out of the kitchen window. “We can do this, right? No awkwardness. No embarrassment. Just normal, everyday conversation.” 

“’Course,” she nodded in agreement. 

“Start as we mean to go on, right?” 

She nodded again. This felt like a trap and she couldn’t put her finger on why. Chris had a knack for saying and doing two different things at the same time, an intimidating ability that often put people on edge if he thought it would serve his purpose, whatever that may be. Probably the actor in him. When you called him out, he would aggressively defend himself which only served to prove the point you were making in the first place. 

Scott was the only one, truly, who knew when it was happening. It had taken Sarah years to get to a similar position but now, she wasn’t sure she was remotely close to it. 

“It’s as good a starting point as any, I guess.” She shrugged again, sipping from her cup. 

“So there’s no need to ignore me then.”  

“I haven’t been ignoring you, have I?” 

“You tell me. I’m just pre-empting it is all. I’m just saying we can still interact, you and me, if we need to. Like, it doesn’t always have to be in social settings with other people around.” He took a final drink from his bottle and turned to locate the recycling pot stashed away in the corner. Even with a mundane task, he always looked cool doing it. 

“So don’t worry about it.” 

“Alright then. That’s good to know.” She shot him a raised eyebrow which he caught and returned with a sly smirk. “I’m just trying to be sensible. We have to get this right or else there’s no point.” 

“I know, I get that, too.” If he wasn’t attempting to be serious before, he was now. He had a hand on his hip and seemed to have grown a few inches in height. “What do you think I’m trying to say?” 

“I…think I’m on the backfoot again and it’s weird.” She held a hand up in defence. 

“Hey, I’m just doing what we agreed, OK? I’m just following your rules.” 

“They’re not rules.” She struggled to regulate the volume in her voice in case she disturbed Shanna. “And you’re making it sound like I’m controlling the situation when I’m not. We both agreed on this. There’s no point being difficult about it.” 

Was he being difficult? Yes. Obviously, he was. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling but happy definitely wasn’t it. Things were out of sorts and he hadn’t been able to eat carbs or sugar for four days so the withdrawal symptoms certainly weren’t helping. He should go easier on her. She was doing the thinking for the both of them. He should learn to be more grateful for that. 

He scratched the back of his head and let out an audible sigh in frustration. “I’ll try harder, I promise. We’ve got that cabin thing coming up with Mom, so…I promise I’ll be good.” 

He imitated the scout salute and she smiled at him, a smile not quite reaching her eyes. 

* 

Another night shift and Audrey and was starting to get suspicious. No one willingly switched for a night shift. For one thing, there was a disproportionate amount of recovery time. A couple of night shifts often took in excess of a week to recover from; a week that a nurse definitely did not have to spare. 

“He been buggin’ you?” she asked, finally growing tired of the silence. 

“Who?” Sarah looked up from the cabinet. “No, not really. We haven’t really spoken.” 

“So why are you ignoring him?” 

“I’m not ignoring him! Why does everyone think that?” 

“Who’s everyone?” 

Crap. Audrey had her there. Sarah open and closed her mouth without a sound coming out. She took a breath. “He’s not bugging me. He’s not. I’m just trying to limit the times we’re in the same place at the same time.” 

“Huh, you’d think he would at least allow you to have peace in your own home.”  

“Well, to be fair, he hasn’t been around all that much, but…at least I don’t have to worry about him showing up unannounced. It’s stupid but I feel way more awkward about him than I thought I would. It’s like I can’t even stand to be under his gaze.” 

Audrey glanced at her friend, wishing she could offer some words of comfort. Even for someone as verbose as she normally was, she was finding it a struggle. Sarah wasn’t much looking for words of comfort at the given time either. She was all too aware of the predicament she was in and how much responsibility laid at her feet. In her mind, waiting it out was the only logical solution she could come up with. The only logical solution that didn’t require more conversations with someone who could feasibly run rings around her “theory” that if they just stayed apart for a little while, they would suddenly and magically forget about the past couple of months. 

They stayed filing documents in silence again, the air seemingly getting thicker. 

“You ever spoken with someone and it’s like they’re thinking the complete opposite of what’s coming out of their mouth?” Sarah huffed while shoving the cabinet drawer closed. 

“Not really. That person’s usually me.” 

“But why?” she asked. “Why can’t you just be normal?”  

“I mean, it’s not my go-to response of course. It’s normally reserved for occasions when I am trying to indulge someone because I know they’re talking bullshit. Like, when I know Mike has been gambling but he tries to deny it? It’s just easier to figure him out that way.” 

Sarah froze to the spot, looking at her friend. She breathed a heavy sigh and turned to lean back on the table behind her and crossed her arms. She stared at her shoes for a second. 

“Chris is a smart guy. I’ll give him that.” Audrey muttered loudly so she was sure Sarah could hear. 

“Give me something! I’m your friend here.” She implored her before chuckling to herself at Audrey’s face and her own apparent lack of self-awareness. 

“You know what I think? You’ve probably got withdrawal symptoms from the all the amazing sex you’ve had and now you’re sulking. I think you should get back on that horse and let him fuck you again. That’s what this is.” 

Sarah eyed her friend again. For once, she would love to hear someone tell her that she was right. “That’s really not helping, y’know.” 

“And this is?!” Audrey’s shriller tone cut through the dry air, smacking Sarah right in the face. “Honey, this isn’t healthy. You hiding out in the hospital and treating it like your own solace is not healthy at all. I love you but you are your own worst enemy.” 

“Alright, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for your unswerving efforts to be honest with me at all times and not, like a normal pal, be comforting in any way.” Sarah comically bowed to her friend before considering leaving the office. She would have followed through with the idea as well if it wasn’t for the cosy warmth of O’Brien’s office versus the coldness of the ER department thanks to a leaking pipe. “It’s difficult. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna fall out with you, Audrey.” 

Audrey just smiled at her. “I don’t know why you think you have to be the beacon of morality all the time, Sarah. Take a look around. No one else is. We all out here just trying to live our lives as best we can and a part of that is taking advantage of moments of happiness when we find them.” 

Something about what Audrey was saying did resonate with her but comparing two months of happiness with Chris to ten years with Shanna was not something she could in good conscience do. Shanna was her security blanket. She provided a comfort of living with someone with shared life experience, of knowing how little you thought about yourself because you were given up as a baby. Honestly, from the very first day they had met, Sarah felt lucky to know her. 

Yes, Shanna could be immature at times. Maybe a little selfish. She would often get carried away with trivial things and wasn’t the most reliable person, but what Sarah got in return was worth that and more. Her family enjoyed highlighting the maternal care Sarah would have to provide to someone who was seven months older than she was, but honestly it didn’t matter. 

Maybe this was one of the rare occasions where Audrey was wrong. 

Chris was a fling at best, Sarah told herself, when she was lying in bed struggling to fall asleep. When she was cold and missing his arms around her. They were both having shitty times and they both got something out of it. That was what Chris had said himself at the very beginning. 

Chris 08.15am: You home? Shanna said you were working late again 

It was like he knew she would be thinking about him. 

Chris 08.17am: I really dont want u ignoring me all the time. This is hard for me right now as well 

Fuck. 

Sarah 08.21am: I kno. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that :(

He didn’t respond. She thought she saw the tell-tale three dots of him writing something but nothing appeared. Giving up on sleep, she got up and headed into the kitchen. Shanna had left her some bacon in the fridge and a fresh bread bun on the side so she turned on the grill and set about making some coffee. 

She felt strangely awake for this time and the apartment was nice and warm from the bright sunshine streaming in from all corners. Maybe a run would help. Or a cold shower.  

Chris 08.44am: I wanna be honest with u but I dont think u want that 

Chris 08.45am: so what do i do?? 

Fuck knows. 

Chris 08.51am: Can I come over? 

Sarah 08.54am: that’s not a good idea 

Chris 08.55am: cos you know what will happen? 

Chris 08.56am: what does that tell you?? 

She was sure he was nursing some kind of hangover or, quite possibly, he was still a little bit drunk. There were two responses she could give, she figured. The first would be her usual denial and perhaps an excuse that she was busy or working later than planned. The second, and ultimately the one she opted for, was to agree with him. 

Sarah 09.05am: I know what it tells me. That’s why I’m saying you shouldn’t come over 

Another three dots followed. There was only so many times they could go around and around in circles and as much as Audrey’s words made sense to her, it felt like she had to make the effort to regain some normality. 

He didn’t respond. She stared at her phone for an age but nothing came through. Maybe he got the message? Maybe he had fallen asleep. She was both relieved and suspicious; Chris wasn’t someone who backed down from an argument when he thought he was right. He had said as much himself. 

She turned the grill off, having lost her appetite. A run might make more sense and could help clear her head. 

She couldn’t sit around waiting for Chris to make his next move. 

*

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

(1/8) All right, here’s my first go at a full-fledged type me ask *cracks knuckles.* I’m an introverted 5, but I’m unsure about everything else. I’m currently 19 + 1/2, so it might be a little more difficult to type me. I also have feelings of derailment from who I was in high school (class clown who trolled people who I hated + mental health crashed in my senior years), but I think we can zero in on a type using my current habits.

(2/8) I major in Computer Science; I chose it because I want to be in a discipline that’s somewhat abstract/theoretical (I’m uncomfortable doing work with my hands) but still affects society and the material world. I usually don’t struggle with reaching deadlines unless I’m feeling very low. I enjoy competition more than almost anything else and love the feeling of being on top, whether it be sports (I hate exerting myself, but I love the image of physical power), academics, or video games.

(3/8) Incompetence is my biggest fear; when I see anyone who tops me at anything, I harbor jealousy. Instead of expressing it, I use it as a motivational tool to improve. My 2nd big fear is ignorance, I don’t want to blind myself to the facts and act on delusional thinking, so I try my best to change my mind when presented with evidence that contradicts my beliefs. I often hold grudges for extended periods of time.

(4/8) I have a strong dislike for reinventing the wheel and I tend to be accidentally overcritical. I struggle to express affection, but I have the people-reading ability of an average person. Despite me having these traits I strongly dislike when other people are abrasive towards others and scold them for it. I try my best not to judge people’s identity and find myself grouping with other ‘misfits.’ I love obsessing with some shows and games but hate the idea of being an unconditional fan.

(5/8) Being a fan of a person is alien and somewhat disturbing to me. I went to a predominantly right-wing Christian high school. However, most of my beliefs contradict what is taught there. I didn’t purposely construct my beliefs to contradict what’s commonly believed but they kind of just ended up that way. I have a moderate interest in social justice (probably because I’m a visible minority) but I’m not a real activist because I donate and inform more than protesting.

(6/8) When arguing I always try to get the last word. I prefer to point at concrete facts to change people’s mind because they’re irrefutable. I’m told that I’m unapproachable/weird/anti-social, I don’t try to be so I must have bad people skills. At the same time people say that I’m funny so I’d say that’s my best social quality. I prefer to have a small number of very close friends and try to keep friends that I already have for a long time, but I ghost them if they slight me.

(7/8) Deep down, in the squishiest depths of my core lies a wish to be successful that is opposed by the temptation to lie down and do nothing but sleep or play video games (sometimes I lose the desire to even eat). The lazy side has yet to completely screw me over but often takes over at my lowest points (to absolutely nobody’s surprise T_T). It is very difficult for me to function without a higher purpose or something fulfilling to work towards.

(8/8) To the cost of my health, I often don’t notice hunger, resulting in me getting grumpy and unfocused without noticing why. On the same day I wrote ask, I noticed I was hungry while working and started the oven, then continued working, forgot I was hungry and left the oven on, flooding the kitchen with smoke! When I’m bored or stressed in public I completely disassociate for unknown periods of time (JUST noticing that I should tell a doctor about this -_-). I often forget to do chores.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Hi anon,

Setting aside that yeah, get the dissociation checked out and also the thing about friends’ slighting you, this screams 3, not 5, in every single syllable. You probably have a 9 fix, you may have a 5 fix, and your MBTI type and whatever may be going on psychologically are probably influencing some feelings of laziness but if your fears are being bested and incompetence and you’re extremely competitive you’re a 3.

The MBTI type is somewhat hard to pin down and again, do figure out what’s going on re: both dissociating and the cutting off friends immediately when they slight you. Several people, myself included, have made the joke that anyone who sees the 8-question limit as a vessel to fill to the brim and not a maximum that they are cordially invited to try not to achieve is probably a high Ne user but I’m not entirely sure. You say you’re comfortable with deadlines, you dislike reinventing the wheel, and while you like arguing you tend to point to irrefutable facts rather than pure logic, which makes me think the NTPs don’t fit, and you definitely have a lot of traits that point more towards intuition (preference for theoretical, dislike for physical exertion, tend not to focus much on what’s going on around you).

I do know NJs, and at least one NJ 3 in particular, who despite seeming highly motivated and driven, have said if they didn’t have that constant need to be the best and/or had achieved some significant level of success already they would love to just laze around all day, so I would actually look at that, particularly if the nature of your mental health stuff involves some form of executive dysfunction. The tone of this seems fairly extroverted, and high Te matches the disinterest in reinventing the wheel/not super people-oriented/irrefutable facts more than high Fe, so I would take a look at ENTJ. Based on your description of yourself when younger I don’t want to totally rule out ENTP, so I’d review that as well, and comparisons of Ti/Te and Ni/Ne might be useful in figuring out which is a better fit.

[bonaintan]

A Journey to KGSP/GKS: Application Forms

I decided to write A Journey to KGSP/GKS series based on my experience as KGSP awardee in 2016. Just like other awardees, I also received a lot of chats and DMs from people asking about KGSP/GKS applications. It’s not that I’m tired and annoyed by answering the same questions over and over again, that I decided to post it online, really. That is practically what I’ve been doing in the past four years which, at some points during my student life in Korea, turned out to help me cope with the situation and keep me on track as I was reminded how far I had come.

Just recently I changed my mind to write and post it online so anyone can read it and I myself can re-read it (for whatever reasons), after joining in a mentorship program (supported by the Indonesian Student Association in South Korea aka Perpika) as a mentor for the Indonesian students and graduates who are interested in studying in Korea and preparing for the scholarship application. I mentored a similar program from MITI Klaster Mahasiswa back in 2017 called Youth Connection but I guess at the time I wasn’t feeling okay enough to share it. Now that I graduated safe and sound, I guess posting it online won’t hurt. So, this is the second post of my ‘A Journey to KGSP/GKS’ series, and I’ll try to post the next ones as soon as possible.

---

As I’ve mentioned in my previous post about my journey to KGSP/GKS, I decided to go for this scholarship application the second I learned about this program. One of my thoughts at the time is how simple the application looks. And it is indeed simple, at least for me who had never applied for such a program and dealing with forms in English. The guideline also states everything clearly. Of course, I got a lot of help from KGSP/GKS awardees I met online who were very kind to share their experience. But, I tried to do my share as much as possible by doing my research on the Internet in advance, making sure I didn’t irritate them by asking trivial questions I can easily access on the Internet or even the application guideline, and avoiding the questions which are more on self-preference, such as “Is it okay if my recommendation letter is folded?”

KGSP/GKS-G (for graduate) and KGSP/GKS-U (for undergraduate) Application Forms are all over the Internet. It can be downloaded from various sites, such as Study in Korea, Korean Embassy sites, some Korean university sites, and Topik Guide. Along with the application guideline is a separate file of the application forms (although the complete guideline includes the forms as well), University Information, and FAQs files. These are the first reference and ammunition that no single applicant should ever miss. You might have your sister as a KGSP/GKS awardee and you can easily ask every single detail, but really, that kind of mentality will get in your way someday. So, go get the guideline and read it! (Sorry, I’m being too enthusiast here.)

Thankfully, the application forms stay pretty the same over the years. Minor changes might have been done as well as the regulation changes. But, it does not affect that much to the application procedures, thus making it easy for the applicants to prepare the applications way way way earlier even before the opening period. And that’s what I did back then. I downloaded the application guidelines from the previous years and noticed that the forms stayed the same, so I started to practice filling in the forms and prepare for the required documents.

The first part of the application forms includes the application checklist. Depending on the program you apply to, either Undergraduate or Graduate Degrees, the required documents are slightly different. The application checklist for the Graduate Degree Programs consists of all required documents for three different degree programs (i.e., Master’s, Doctoral, and Research Programs) so the list is a little bit longer. As for the Undergraduate application, three types of documents are required for certain documents (graduation certificate, transcripts, certificate of citizenship, and awards). I might be wrong on this since I had no experience in preparing for the undergraduate application, but here is what I understand about the difference between the original, official notarized translation, and copied documents.

2021 GKS Application checklist (above: Undergraduate; below: Graduate)

The original document, like its name, is the original version of a document that can be written in many different languages depending on the country where it is issued. For Indonesian applicants, the original document of the graduation certificate is the one written in Bahasa Indonesia. In case an applicant only has one copy of the original document, they can submit the certified copy version which is the copy of the original document certified/stamped by the issuing institution (e.g., school). In Bahasa Indonesia, it’s called dokumen legalisir.

Since all documents have to be written in either Korean or English, here comes the second type of the documents to accompany the original document, official notarized translation. As for the graduation/degree certificate and transcripts, some schools might provide the English translation. Otherwise, an applicant needs to have it translated into Korean or English by a sworn translator. From here, the document has to be legalized again by the notary. In the end, the official notarized translation should be a document written in Korean or English and should have 2-3 different stamps: issuing institution, (translating institution), and notary stamps. The last is the copied document which is the photocopied version (black-and-white document).

The number of copies submitted depends on the application track. For those applying via University Track, they should send only the original/certified copy of the documents to the university of their choice. As the screening process is taken place in Korea, the documents should be the very best  legalized version. For countries that require apostille version of the document such as Indonesia, some documents (degree certificate, transcripts, proof of citizenship) have to be apostilled or receive the consular confirmation from the Korean Embassy in the country where the document is issued.

Notes for my Indonesian fellows, here is the procedure to get the documents apostilled: legalized by the notary >> Ministry of Law and Human Rights (Kemenkumham) >> Ministry of Foreign Affairs (Kemenlu) >> (Korean) Embassy.

If applying via the Korean Embassy, one original/certified copy document, one official notarized translation, and three photocopied documents have to be prepared. Apparently, some Korean Embassies, including the Korean Embassy in Indonesia, may apply different regulations. Korean Embassy in Indonesia requires the applicants to send only one copy of the original document and the copies will be made by the Embassy.

The next part of the application forms is the applicant’s personal information, which is considerably easy to be filled in. As for the applicant’s name, some who do not have a separate family name may find it confusing at first, like in most cases of Indonesians. In such cases, simply write the same as your passport name: first name and middle name (if any) as the given name and last name as surname. For the university and major choices for graduate degrees, some confusions come from the differences between Division, Department, and Major. The best way to solve this is by referring to the University Information file, on the list of majors offered. As for the grades/GPA, use the CGPA conversion table on the guideline to convert various grading systems. If the CGPA conversion table does not apply for the grading system of the applicant’s school, the information on how to do the conversion should be attached.

Applicant’s Personal Information (above: Undergraduate; below: Graduate)

For awards and published papers, I believe there is no limit number but I personally mentioned the best two. You may want to mention the rest, if they are quite significant for you, in the Personal Statement. For published papers written in language other than Korean or English, the original title and other details (e.g., journal name) can be mentioned first, followed by the English title in parentheses.

The next forms to be filled are Personal Statement and Statement of Purpose/Study Plan. Instructions have been provided clearly on each part, so I believe it comes back to the applicant’s writing ability to come up with the best way of storytelling which hopefully will impress the reviewers. I have made a post for some tips to write Personal Statement and Statement of Purpose/Study Plan based on my experience.

Recommendation letters are another important required document for KGSP/GKS applications. An applicant should receive two recommendation letters from two recommenders. The letter template has been prepared in the application, but the recommenders may attach their own template. Just make sure that they understand what points should be included and that everything should be written in either Korean or English. This letter is confidential, so you may want to clarify beforehand as to who will translate the document if your recommender writes it in other languages.

The last is self-medical assessment/personal medical assessment which is a brief medical history of the applicant. It can be filled in independently by the applicant without going to the hospital or any healthcare center and should be filled in all honesty because you shouldn’t let any wrong information stated in the application forms get in your way in the later selection process of the medical check-up where pretty much everything will be revealed.

---

That is the end of the KGSP/GKS application forms. This is crazily long I know, but I hope you will somehow find this post helpful. 

This post has been updated following the 2021 Application Guidelines. Please do let me know if you find incorrect information that I stated here. And I strongly encourage all applicants to read the guidelines by heart as it has much more detailed information.

[duhragonball]

[FIC] Luffa: The Legendary Super Saiyan (131/?)

Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball, which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation.   This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.

Continuity Note: About 1000 years before the events of Dragon Ball Z.

ETA: Now with actual content behind the cut!

[14 October, 233 Before Age. Interstellar Space.]

The Saiyan Free Company was a loose alliance of Saiyans seeking an escape from the misrule of King Rehval III. For over a century, the Rehval Dynasty had sought to unify the Saiyan species into a proper nation state, but the Saiyans were unruly by nature, and many of them bristled at the heavy-handed policies of the monarchists. Tensions between the kingdom and the expatriates came to a head when Rehval III tried to destroy the Super Saiyan Luffa. His scheme backfired, forcing him to abandon not only his throneworld of Saiya, but his second home on Pflaume, an influential hub of commerce and diplomatic channels. With his disappearance, decades of careful statecraft were wiped out in a single stroke. The Planet Saiya was deserted, her allies bewildered, and her embassies on other worlds completely isolated.

In the midst of this political vacuum, the Princess Seltiss stepped forward to pick up the pieces her father had left behind. At only sixteen, she possessed a talent for leadership that was rare among politicians three times her age. Her secret was something her father, grandfather, and great grandfather lacked: flexibility. The Rehvals before her had relied on overwhelming displays of force to convince their subjects of their right to rule, and they reserved politics and gladhanding for the aliens they wanted to do business with. It made sense, but only if one had the power to pull it off. Seltiss was fairly weak by Saiyan standards, and in a galaxy dominated by the Legendary Super Saiyan, no one could claim to be the strongest anymore.

Instead, Seltiss listened. Her followers were disillusioned with the monarchy, or they outright despised government of any kind. So she played down her royal title whenever possible. They didn't trust her at first, because of her father, or her inexperience, or her multicultural education. So she didn't bother giving them orders directly. Instead, she used her more loyal followers to tend to their needs, and she found that they were usually more cooperative once their bellies were full and their ships were repaired. When she needed stricter military discipline, she got it by delegating command to her closest advisers: older Saiyans who respected her abilities, and were strong enough to command respect from those who wouldn't listen to her.

The end result was a strange admixture of political theory that would have probably made her great-grandfather furious. Some of the Free Companions with monarchist sentiments respected Seltiss as the rightful heir to her father. The antimonarchists saw her as the opposite: a leader who proved her worth instead of relying on a birthright. Others only followed her because she got results. Some saw her as nothing but a provider of food, supplies, and battle to fight. Many sided with her out of necessity, fearing the growing influence of the Jindan Cult and Luffa's Federation. Then there were some that saw her as a figurehead. These Saiyans only respected her advisors and generals, and viewed her as more of a symbol for keeping the whole group united. And the beauty of it was that it worked, because each of them were a little bit right about her.

It wouldn't last, of course. Eventually, Seltiss would need to transform her motley crew into something more unified, with a more obvious rule of law. Eventually she would be their Queen, or their Dear Leader, or their Chancellor, or whatever other title they could all agree upon, but for now she was satisfied that they all followed her. She would adjust as the situation called for it. There were simple relationships that governed everything in life. Cold equations that could be managed, but never ignored. Too many failed regimes in history had treated rebellions like foreign invaders. Protests, riots, revolts, these were all the result of societal pressures. The goal was to vent the pressure and find ways to redirect and release those energies before they upset the system. That usually meant changing the system itself, and those in power often loathed to do this. Change could be difficult, and some leaders took change personally, like an affront to their past authority. Those who wielded power had to be able to adapt to the times, or they would find their power taken away from them. Those who failed to vent the pressure would be destroyed in the explosion. It was inevitable.

At long last, it seemed like her father had finally failed to adapt. She knew the day would come, just as the day came when her father replaced Rehval II. The Saiyan Free Company was part of her plan to assure a smooth transition of power. She was proud to see it work so well, but it was all happening much sooner than she had expected.

It was a relief to retire to her quarters. Her command ship was one of the best in her fleet, but the accommodations were still very modest compared to the dorms at various private schools she had attended in her short life. She had decorated the cabin with a few posters and alien souvenirs she had picked up during the war. Her favorite was a lamp she found that contained a suspension of wax and some unknown liquid. The heat of the lamp would melt the wax and make it float up and down through the liquid, and the whole thing was dyed in her favorite shade of pink, which made it perfect. She shut off the other lights and sat on the couch to admire the rosy glow. It was something she had started doing lately to relax.

It wasn't working.

Just when she was about to shut off the light and try to sleep, the door chime sounded, and she answered it to find Xibuyas waiting to come inside.

"I... didn't mean to disturb you, my lady," he said, in that adorable way where he tried to make his voice sound a little more mature.

"It's fine, Xibuyas," she said. "What's on your mind?"

"Good news, I think," Xibuyas said.

"If it's about the fleet that's going to the Jindans' base, I've already heard about it," she said.

"No, better than that," Xibuyas said. He handed a computer pad to her. "I had the crew run a tactical simulation for me. There's a very good chance we can destroy Luffa's ship during the battle."

Seltiss looked down at the pad, then back at Xibuyas. "Um, what?" was all she could ask.

"It's safe to assume that when we reach the enemy stronghold, the allied fleet will begin a bombardment of the surface," he explained. "Once that's complete, we'll have a narrow opening to turn our weapons on Luffa's engines. The Federation ships may turn on us, but the projections on that pad show a casualty rate no higher than sixty percent. Acceptable losses, as far as I'm concerned."

Seltiss took a deep breath and looked at the pad to review his findings. She didn't go over it very closely, but seeing the word "Luffa" and the number "60" was enough to tell her this was not a joke. "Wow. Like, you really want her dead that badly, huh?"

"She's an abomination," Xibuyas growled.

"We're allies, Xibuyas," she said.

"That alliance will be over once the cult is destroyed," he countered. "Our best chance to destroy her is to strike while she's on a spacecraft, where her powers won't save her."

"What happened to all that bluster about getting stronger and defeating her in battle?" Seltiss asked. "Because this plan sounds like it was drafted by someone who's given up on that."

He looked her in the eye, then turned away from her. "I... was forced to re-evaluate my strategy," he said.

"You can't beat her," Seltiss said. "You think you'll never be able to beat her."

"It won't matter," Xibuyas insisted. "Either way, she dies, and this way it will be over that much sooner. Then the Saiyan race can move forward again."

"This isn't about the Saiyan race, Xibuyas," Seltiss said. "This is about your pride. You're still wound up over the idea that you might be Luffa's son--"

"I am not her son!" he seethed.

She no longer believed him. Her father had raised Xibuyas like one of the family, claiming that he had been an orphan. Xibuyas grew up with astonishing powers, which her father claimed to be the results of his own alchemical enhancements. It all made perfect sense at the time, but now that she had met Luffa in person, Seltiss could see the resemblance between them. Ironically, Xibuyas looked even more like Luffa when he angrily denied any relation to her. But there was no point in saying any of this out loud.

"Chill out, " she said. "We've been over this already. I need you, Xibuyas. I need you to help me make this Free Company work. Your bio-parents aren't important to me. But we do need Luffa, at least for a while longer."

"Why?" he demanded. This was the closest they had ever come to a genuine argument. Growing up, he had always revered her like a queen. He took the Saiyan royal family very seriously, even when she did not. It hadn't been easy to convince him to side with her against Rehval, but in the end his love for her won out. Now, she was beginning to worry that his hatred for Luffa might prevail against her.

"Look, we have to win this war, sure, but we've got to win the peace that follows," she explained. "Right now, Luffa makes things easier for me. She gives Saiyans everywhere something in common. They're all afraid of her. Even the ones that respect her know she could kill them whenever she wants."

"And this is helpful?" Xibuyas grumbled.

"Look in every generation, one of us is the strongest, but we don't always know who it is," Seltiss explained. "A lot of times, even the strongest Saiyan is outclassed by some monster or alien. My father claimed to be the strongest, but it wasn't exactly obvious, not like it is with Luffa. Or you."

He tensed up at this, so she reached out to put her arms on his shoulders. She'd learned a long time ago that affectionate gestures like these helped to calm his stormy moods, and it always reinforced his loyalty to her. Xibuyas had a glowing yellow aura when he used his full power, and while his hair didn't change color, it wasn't hard to notice the resemblance between his aura and Luffa's transformation. He had been self-conscious about it ever since their first encounter on Pflaume.

"Look, big guy," she said, "you've been stronger than my dad for a while now. Maybe you've always been stronger. And I need that, for sure, but if Luffa's out of the picture, that makes you the strongest Saiyan, no question. And you've seen how everyone feels about her. If something happens to her, they'll turn that resentment on you next."

"It would be different for me," Xibuyas insisted.

"Maybe, but they're still not ready," Seltiss said. "Not all of them, anyway. It helps that you're a man, but some of them would still resent you. For now, they see you as a counterbalance against Luffa, and we need to cement that idea for a while. And once they're used to you, then we can think about where to go in a world without Super Saiyans."

"But this may be the only chance we get!" Xibuyas said.

"Don't be so sure," Seltiss said. "You may not believe in your powers, but I do." She patted him on the cheek, then turned to approach a small refrigerator on the other side of her room. "You want a soda?"

The offer might have angered him a moment earlier, but her flattery had taken a lot of the fight out of him. Now, he seemed to remember where he was, and the awkward anticipation he felt from spending time in her quarters. The boy was madly in love with her, and sharing a snack in her room was like a sneak preview of being married to her someday. When he finally remembered to answer her question, she tossed him a bottle and directed him to sit down. Then she took a seat beside him, draping his right arm over her shoulder like a scarf.

"Look, if we have to kill Luffa, we'll figure something out," Seltiss said after they each took a few sips. "I'm not saying we rule it out completely. But maybe we can work out something that, um, won't kill two thirds of our forces? You want to be king some day, right? Well, a king needs subjects."

He tried to hold his right arm still, like he was afraid of accidentally groping her somehow. He kept his fingers in as natural a pose as he could, but she could feel the tension in his muscles. As for his left arm, he wiped his mouth and sighed.

"Then... you still plan to be my bride," he said, as though he were just making idle conversation.

"Well, duh, how else can you be king?" she teased. "I'm the one with the royal blood."

"I just... I thought..." he took another sip as he put the words together. "It was King Rehval's plan that we marry," he finally said. "And you told me that we had more leverage by sticking together, because he needs us. In case your schemes failed, we could always go back to him and he would have no choice but to let us return. But now, we're preparing to kill him, and when that happens..."

She giggled softly. "All bets are off, is that what you're worrying about?" she asked. "My father's made a lot of mistakes, Xibuyas. Big mistakes, if you ask me. But pairing us off wasn't one of them. Sure, he only saw us as good breeding stock for making more Saiyan elites, but besides that, we make a good team, don't we? I need something to keep you around, don't I?"

"I see," he said, doing his best to hide his relief. "I didn't want to presume--"

"Of course, if you've found someone else, I can't exactly stand in your way," Seltiss joked. "Maybe you met some Federation farmgirl in one of the border systems."

"Absolutely not!" Xibuyas said. "I'd be lost without you, my lady. The only place for me is by your side."

Which was exactly the sort of response she had come to expect from him. In whatever society Seltiss would eventually build, Xibuyas would be its first citizen. Her father had found him, or stolen him from Luffa, or he grew him in a test tube, or whatever. Xibuyas revered him as a father/creator, but Seltiss had become his friend, his true love, his princess. Winning his loyalty from her father had been the first proof that she was capable of surpassing King Rehval III and staking claim to her own place in history. It was comforting to know that she still had Xibuyas wrapped around her little finger.

But not comforting enough.

"It must be difficult for you," she said after a long silence. "We've been plotting against my dad all this time, but I didn't think we'd reach this point so soon."

Xibuyas shrugged. "I only followed him because of you," he said. "It's a pity that things had to turn out this way, but he brought this upon himself."

"Yeah," Seltiss said. "But even so, he was like a father to you. It must be tough going into battle against him like this."

"Not at all," he said. "The man I respected, the man who was your father, that man died some time ago. If he ever really existed at all. I didn't want to believe the reports, that this 'Trismegistus' was actually King Rehval, but the intelligence reports are clear. He's not even trying to hide his madness. Killing him will be an act of mercy. Better than letting him live out his days as some pathetic wizard."

"I just always imagined things going differently," Seltiss said. "I wanted to build the Free Company into something bigger, and then reveal it to him when the time was right. Maybe ten years from now, or even fifteen. Then he would see what I'd accomplished, and he'd have no choice but to turn over his kingdom to me. He'd have to admit that I was ready, that I was better at this than he ever was."

"You already are better than he is," Xibuyas said. "Much as it galls me to fight alongside Luffa, your alliances and planning have all paid off. We stand ready to crush your father with overwhelming force. What more could you ask for?"

"Yeah," Seltiss said. "I guess I just wanted something more personal. You know, Luffa told me that Rehval's not even his real name. She said the real Rehval III was my uncle, and dad killed him and stole his identity."

Xibuyas made a loud harrumph. "I wouldn't put too much stock in anything that woman says," he grumbled.

"Is it any harder to believe than this cult leader scene he's into now?" Seltiss asked. "The point is that we'll never know for sure, because we'll never see him again. And it's a good thing. The Saiyan race can't move forward until he's out of the picture, sure. But... it's still tragic, you know? Things could have turned out differently."

He looked at her and smiled triumphantly. "It is tragic, for him. But it's like you've always told me. One man's tragedy is another's gain. You should be thrilled, Princess Seltiss. Killing your own father is a dream come true for most Saiyans. And at your age! You'll go down in history, with all the other old heroes."

Xibuyas stood up, and for a moment she thought he was going to lift her up from the couch and hold her in his arms. Instead, he took a step away from her, and knelt before her in supplication.

"I did have some attachment to the old man. I admit it," he said. "But his time is over, and his usefulness to you is at an end! We'll throw him away and never look back, just like you've always promised. I... I've always been in awe of your brilliance, Seltiss. And you're right about Luffa. I shouldn't let her get in my head. We have our whole lives to rid ourselves of that wretched beast, and with your genius, I know we can do it."

She didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell him to get up, to hold her in his arms and tell her it would be all right. She wanted to tell him how conflicted she felt about killing her father. Necessary as it was, she still found it hard to face the reality of it. It had been easier before, when no one knew where King Rehval was, or that he had anything to do with Trismegistus' cult. But now there was no denying that Rehval was a menace to the Saiyan species, and it was her duty to destroy him. The cold equations demanded it. Her political career, the welfare of her people, the welfare of the entire galaxy, they all depended upon her father's death.

But she would still miss him when he was gone. Perhaps this was part of the equations that Seltiss hadn't considered until it was too late. It wasn't that Rehval had been a good father to her. He had probably lied to her more than she would ever know. It was likely that he saw her and her sisters as little more than breeding stock. But he still mattered. She kept thinking of one morning when she was a little girl. He cooked breakfast for her. There wasn't anything particularly important about that memory, but it was enough to make her regret what was going to happen to him.

She always thought Xibuyas felt something similar towards her father, but apparently not. Or perhaps he chose to hide it, the same way she was hiding her own feelings. She couldn't show weakness at this crucial moment. Everything she knew about leadership told her that she had to be steadfast and unwavering. She didn't love Xibuyas. "Love" was just a word she used to keep him on her side. She couldn't allow herself use him as a source of emotional support. It would only teach him that he had leverage with her. The boy was too powerful as it was.

"On your feet, kiddo," she said, forcing herself to smile. When he stood, she got up and gave him a playful kiss on the cheek. She hoped that the low light in the room would keep him from noticing the sadness in her eyes.

"I keep telling you," she said. "You don't have to bow to me, okay? You're going to rule by my side one of these days, remember? We'll be equals. So as far as I'm concerned, we already are, got it?"

"You're so much more than I could ever aspire to be," he said. "I... I should go. You need your rest for the battle to come."

He always excused himself this way whenever he began to get emotional. He thought he was being subtle, but she could tell from the change in his voice, and the way he suddenly wasn't sure what to do with his hands.

And she let him go, since she felt the same way. It would have been nice to have him stay, to hold her as she cried over her father's lamentable fate. But Xibuyas wouldn't understand, or worse, he might see her indecision as a vulnerability. She had to be strong, even in front of him. Especially in front of him.

So she waited for him to walk out the door, then sat alone in her room, watching the light from her pink oil lamp dance across the walls. Soon enough, the tears came, and she wondered if her father had ever felt so alone.

NEXT: The Homefront

[jeanjauthor]

Do you have any tip for recognize what your love language for giving and receiving please ? I have no clue due to being autistic / being from an abusive household / being the eldest daughter ( trained to pick up after others / serve since childhood ) . I don’t know what they are and it’s driving me crazy.

This is an excellent, important question to ask. You recognize that what you’ve been *taught* to do isn’t necessarily *your* love language.  With the background you’ve described, knowing this about yourself is super-important for *reclaiming* yourself.  (Also, I am very proud of you for facing these things.)

Now, I’m no expert, but I have observed a lot over the years, and thought a lot about the Love Languages, too.  So here are my thoughts: 

First, the big Caveat:  Your love language may actually be Acts of Service, but it’ll have been warped by the abusive constraints you grew up under.  This is actually worse than most people would assume--you’ve been forced to give what you would’ve given for free if you’d had a choice, but you didn’t have much of a choice.

Whether or not Acts of Service is your love language in the end...that alone makes it a consent violation.  Emotional consent violations are more insidiously, subtly traumatizing--not necessarily worse, but definitely more difficult to observe, confirm, confront, & recover from.  So finding out that your primary love language has been manipulated and used against you may be...disturbing...to learn.  (If you can afford competent counseling, I strongly recommend it--and yes, don’t hesitate to try different counselors if the first or second or however many don’t feel like a good match.)

It could be something else--with five major categories to choose from, you got four other possibilities.  You may have need to receive love in a different language from AoS, but have been taught (polite euphemism) to give love only in the one way you were demanded most often to express.

You could also have multiple love languages, and that multitude can express itself in different ways with different people. I myself am bilingual, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I’m lucky in that I was never forced to give AoS, but it makes it a little more difficult at times to know which of the two I need at any given moment, because it’s not always easy to tell.  Plus, there are just some people I will never be comfortable receiving PT from, though AoS is fine.

I even know of one couple who expressed & received love in all 5 categories, and both felt satisfied with each kind, making it difficult to tell if they had a primary...until I asked them how they liked giving & receiving with others. They had actually ended up unconsciously tailoring how they expressed love to specific other people (children, grandchildren) according to that other person’s needs.  Now, I’m not saying this couple is perfect (they’re drama hounds in some ways, and if things are going too smoothly, they’ll stir the pot a bit). They’re just an example of how you can receive in one language (or several) and give in other languages.

With that said, the best way to figure it out is to take the 5 Love Languages tests:  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

These are comparative tests, always pairing up two different Love Language ways to express oneself and asking you to pick the one that more suits you.

There are no wrong answers.

As someone who is also on the spectrum colorwheel (I love the analogy a tumblr user came up for describing it!), I want you to know that it is not only okay to be unsure about your answers, but that you can actually get a better idea of your Love Languages by taking the test multiple times, and swapping out the answers you weren’t sure about.  Keep track of your scores, and whenever you run across a quiz that gives you point totals for each category, compare the point totals.

Why? Because not all those bilingual in Love Languages will be equally bilingual 100% of the time (or 50-50, lol).  More importantly, as you become more self-aware of your past habits and work to release yourself from their chains, the more your Love Languages may change.  It is also important to realize that you can become fluent in a language not normally your own, if you are emotionally invested in the person you are expressing that language to, and are aware of how they receive it & react to it--in other words, this is a very real case of “learning to taking pleasure from other people’s happiness.”

Also, as we grow and learn and change (which life makes us do simply by existing & interacting with the world), sometimes our Love Language(s) may shift a bit.  Again, this is perfectly natural and normal.  There are no wrong answers.

One of the ways that our Love Languages can shift is--after trauma and/or abuse--our ability to give & receive love can actually weaken, and even wither.  A lot of that has to do with being protective, defensive, in an emotionally hostile environment.  Some of that, however--as many of us have learned over the last handful of months--may have come about as a result of quarantine isolation. 

For those of us who already have difficulty with social interactions (autism spectrum, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), isolation worsens our ability to pick up on social cues, even to the point of having difficulty noticing social cues, which includes noticing LL interactions. And as with physical starvation, love starvation can get us reduced to the point where we no longer notice how hungry we are for loving interactions.

But most importantly, not everyone will have the same dialect, or sub-dialect, of Love Language.  For example, your LL may be Physical Touch, but if those who abused you constantly put a heavy hand on your shoulder, gripping it with bruising strength, being touched on your shoulder will automatically give you a negative reaction by association.

I personally don’t like holding hands. It doesn’t come naturally to me. But I am definitely an elbows-interlocked person, because that feels much more natural to me.  Or if you’re trying to give someone a Gift with that LL, the type of gift you give may or may not make them feel loved.

It’s like the stereotypical joke of the husband giving the wife a new vacuum cleaner for their birthday.  Even if Gifts are her main LL, the gift of a vacuum cleaner comes with a burden of expectations...and if her secondary Love Language is Acts of Service...?  Unless she asked for it as a gift choice (or spoke about getting a new one positively in some way)...that’s really not gonna be a good gift.

(Even then, offering to use it yourself to tidy the house so the burden isn’t 100% on her shoulders is going to be received positively by most folks...unless they have house-cleaning-based OCD, in which case, ask first, and work with them to accommodate what you can, to reduce stress in your partner. Also, some people might genuinely like things like a new vacuum cleaner if they know that the giver is aware their Love Language is Acts of Service, or bilingually AoS and Gifts...but again, if you aren’t completely sure...ask.)

With all of that said and carefully considered, you probably have a long road ahead of you, untangling your past from your present, and untangling your burdensome expectations from your actual desires.  But that’s okay.

Again, there are no wrong answers.

This isn’t a math equation. Your answers do not have to match each time you take a Love Language test.  Not even if you turn around and take it again five minutes after your first run-through.  And don’t hesitate to re-take it once a week or once a month, and ask yourself if your feelings about each question or suggestion has changed.  Just be in the moment, in that moment, and consider your answers in that particular moment.

It may even be helpful to keep a little journal, a .doc file or something, with your thoughts on the questions and answers on a given date.  Write down or otherwise make a note of any questions that seemed particularly important to you, or particularly ambivalent (in which case, write down both suggestions for later review).

Definitely don’t be afraid to go back over your previous results.

There are no wrong answers.

You are a living, growing being, constantly changing as you encounter new thoughts, new ideas, new situations.  When we look at this situation in that light...how could there possibly be any “right answer” without it being solely a “right now” answer?

Again, you have a lot to unpack, a lot to decompress, a lot to escape, a lot to re-explore once you can shed more of the burdens of your past.  These things will take time...which sucks when you want to know now...but that’s alright.  Again, there are no wrong answers, since what you learn today only applies to today.  Come back in a week, re-examine everything, and see how you feel then.

Whatever your Love Language(s) might be, I’m genuinely proud of you for being aware of the impositions of your past, and wanting to know what’s ahead of you for your future.  Just one last thought to consider:  Don’t feel you have to only ever give-and-receive in one specific Love Language, if you discover a particular one.

Bilingualism can help you and an important person in your life bond together that much more, if you know or or at least can guess fairly readily what their own LL might be.  My mother’s LL is Quality Time, and I interconnect with her through Acts of Service by choosing to do things with her, while being mindful to chat with her, joke & laugh with her, etc.  We could do chores together, we could go traveling together...the important thing is that we connect together.  And no, it doesn’t have to be applied to your own mother; your own family relationships are your own, and probably won’t be solved by so simple an answer.

Me, I’m retaking the Singles Quiz from the above linked website right now, because I just realized it’s been over a year since I took it, and I’ve been through a lot, emotionally & mentally, over the last year-plus...and that’s without adding the decade-long year-from-hell that has been 2020 so far.

Remember, you’re a living, growing, and thus potentially ever-changing being.  Sometimes that growth & change is to become more of something.  Sometimes it’s a change away from one thing and more toward another, or more toward a state of neutrality/equilibrium...and again there are no wrong answers.  Sometimes you may need to return to neutral equilibrium, so you can recover from the burdens of your past, regain the room to resume your true shape...and regain the room to figure out what that true inner shape (or Love Language) truly is.

*piles prepackaged hugs by your front door*

You are worthy of love, you are worthy of giving love, and you are most definitely worthy of receiving love.  Ideally in all the ways that satisfy your need to be loved fully.  Good luck with the tests--and I say that solely because you’re going to be ambiguous about some of the choices.  We all feel that way, on certain subjects on certain days.  Remember...

There are no wrong answers.

[dragonnan]

Author Interview Tag

Tagged by @aelaer a week or two ago, thank you!

Name: Tanya (among family I'm Nan or Auntie Nanny)

Fandoms: Sherlock, MCU, Psych, Prodigal Son, and a goodly collection of others

Where you post: For a number of years I posted on FFN but between the really shitty reviews and extremely cumbersome posting process I finally quit.  I posed on Psychfic while still an active part of that fandom but that, too, has pretty much ended.  I put a few stories on Wattpad but found it to be pretty meh. I now post exclusively to AO3.

Most popular multi-chapter fic: It's a tossup between “Fury” on Psychfic and “All Nighter” on AO3 – one based on comments and the other on Kudos.  Frankly “popularity” is really subjective because there's also stuff like read count and with comments, at least nearly half are replies from me and read count also includes re-reads as well as every time I clicked on the damn thing to edit so....

You know I'm just really not sure how to properly answer this??

Favorite story you’ve written so far: Like others have stated you can ask me this on three different days and get three different answers and there will be more than 1 fic mentioned every time so.... Because I write in different fandoms I just absolutely can't list a single fic.  The best I can narrow it would a fic from my top 3 fandoms.

Psych: Paint it Black.  I had read a fic where Shawn was gradually going blind and had really been enjoying it and the challenges it presented.  Sadly it was never completed.  As has happened before I decided I would write my own damn fic if I couldn't get a completed story so that was the primary motivation to start this.  What I most love about this is writing from Shawn's perspective as he navigates being blind and not knowing whether or not his condition is permanent.  I did my best to honor the experience of blind and partially blind people and tried to look beyond the cliché.

MCU: I have so much fun writing these stories! In spite of the dumpster fire the film canon became I do so love this sandbox and employing various forms of unfucking it.  So I'm gonna cheat a little and pick two for my faves here since one is a WIP.  Sed Diabolus.  I don't need to have completed it yet to know this will be my all-time favorite.  This is the first fic that has been entirely plotted out and OMG I'm so excited for iiiit!!  The second is Simple Math which seems like an odd choice given there's zero action – mostly just one character – hell, not even any whump.  But there is something about that deep dive into Tony's mindset that keeps this as a fave even though it was the first thing I ever wrote for the MCU.  I learned about Tony as I wrote this and I also worked my way through those motivations that bothered me regarding Stane.  Even years later I still mentally go back to this fic whenever I write Tony because I feel encapsulates the essence of how I see him as a character.

Sherlock:  Compared to other fandoms I'm still quite new to this fandom so I don't have nearly as many fics.  But I still have a favorite!  And, like with the MCU, it's the first story I ever wrote for this fandom; The Tiger and the Shark. Returning to a plot device I've employed in other fics, this one is built around a sexual assault and taking the character on a journey from that terrible event to the point where they rediscover themselves.  PTSD ever being my favorite form of whump I employ that fairly a lot in this story and employ some kinda radical methods for coping with those memories.  

Fic you were nervous to post: I mean until I start getting comments I'm a world of anxiety with every story I post.  But grabbing a specific fic that hit my nerves – that Sherlock fic I'd said was my fave certainly qualified.  Not only was it my first Sherlock fic – it also was charging out of the gate with a very heavy topic so yeah – I wasn't sure if people would absolutely hate it or find my characterizations totally off or what.

How you choose your titles: It varies a bit.  In some stories, like Sed Diabolus, I actually consult friends on various ideas.  Other times I'll consider songs or lyrics and my favorite thing is if I can alter the known title just a bit to make it more relevant to the fic (I did that a LOT with Psych fics which was the method the show also employed for its episode titles).  One of my favorite Psych titles is “The Wizard Was the Wicked Witch and the Scarecrow Lost His Courage”.  

Do you outline: Almost never – not until “Sed Diabolus”.  That story, though, is so astoundingly complex that without an outline I'd be hopelessly lost.  I am, though, trying to make a practice of outlining more because it helps SO much!

Complete: If we count every one-shot collection and challenge collection it likely is over 200 stories. Of course a lot of those are one-shots.  My total completed chaptered fics number maybe around 34?

In progress: 16 – between Psychfic and AO3.  All Psych stories are on long-term hiatus for the foreseeable future (some, honestly, I will never finish as they are many many years old and I've lost the inspiration for the plot). Several MCU stories are also on the back-burner while I focus on “Sed Diabolus”.  I admit I get LOTS of story ideas and staying focused on a single fic is not something I've ever been greatly successful with.

Coming soon/not yet started: I meaaaan.... lots?? I have probably several hundred ideas and partially started fics across many fandoms.  As to “imminently coming soon...” I don't think I currently have an active story that I haven't already posted at least a first chapter.  Sadly I have zero patience for developing something for months before posting which is why I have so many WIPs.  That said I DO have a Sherlock au that has been poking at me now and then involving the witch trials that started in Denmark and, eventually, made their way to Salem.  The idea would be that Molly Hooper is accused of being a witch.  She, of course, is innocent but cause this unfortunate attention due to her “uncanny” ability to heal the sick and injured (not so much uncanny as opposed to employing methods that aren't so reliant on superstition and folklore).  

She is scheduled to be tortured and executed but is saved by Sherlock – a strange recluse primarily ignored and given a pass as he solves mysteries for people. He and his friend John save Molly from this awful fate. The twist is that Sherlock is a sorcerer (bit of marvel crossover-ish) and able to transport them to safety.  

Do you accept prompts: I wish I could cause I love ideas but I don't have the time/energy to always work on what I already have and I'm awful at follow thru.  Like I will never turn away an Ask wanting to share ideas but I can't promise that I can actually write anything.

Upcoming story you are most excited to write:  As was the reply to a previous query – I have lots that are ideas that will linger in partial stages for sometimes years.  If it's “upcoming” I've already posted the first chapter lol!  But, again, I have several story ideas that whenever I poke through my folders I get excited about someday actually writing them.  Here is a teaser for an MCU fic involving Tony Stark and Obie (I still feel this was never explored enough – certainly not in fic):

They were doing a retrospective, ten year anniversary kinda... whatever.  Unofficial, of course. Certainly nothing Pepper would have dreamed up even at her most drunk (which, honestly, was never her scene.  Tony had sorta owned that space well beyond the time it had started owning him).  Whose idea it ultimately had been?  Frankly Tony couldn't give a fuck.  That he was asked to be one of the speakers was slightly more... awkward. Awkward was the right word, yeah?  Nauseating was certainly another and possibly a bit more accurate.

Dead for a decade and Obadiah Stane still managed to fuck with his life.

But... it hadn't always been that way. At least, not as he'd believed back when the Walkman had been on every kid's Christmas list.  

He'd thought it was bonding; at the time.  His dad had never been one for just hanging out; shooting the shit; telling tales out of school.  No, Pops, when he bothered to interact, led with questions.  “You keeping your grades up?” “You still seeing that floozy?” “When are you going to pull your head out of your ass and grow the hell up?” “You do realize it's my name you're disgracing every time you go on a bender?”

With Obie it was just, easy.  Obie might ask about school but it was always with approval and pride.  He would discuss Tony's conquests as though Tony had climbed Kilimanjaro wearing nothing but underwear and a cape.    

Obie was there when his father wasn't. Which meant that Obie was always there.  The first time he got astoundingly drunk on his father's scotch, Obie was the one to help him hunch over the toilet and vomit expensive, aged booze into the toilet.  Obie was also the one to replace the depleted bottle to keep Howard in the dark.  For a fourteen year old kid still trying to gain his dad's favor, that had meant everything.

He saw his first porn with Obie; sex education ala Traci Lords, three months shy of his fifteenth birthday.  That was the same time he was introduced to weed.  Obie had cautioned him to use it sparingly; didn't want to fry that genius brain, he'd say, and ruffle his hair.  The porn had made him uncomfortable.  Obie had turned it off and told him they could watch whatever Tony wanted.  They'd ended up changing the station to Knight Rider; smoking and munching Cheetos and laughing over their orange fingers.

It was Obie who was there, arm around his shoulders, after his parents died.  He desperately didn't want to sob in front of the man.  Things were so complicated with his dad that all he felt was blinding guilt... as though some part of him had caused this.  But Obie had filled him with bourbon until the emotions got soft around the edges and he'd sat beside the older man, head tipping gradually to the right until he was held up by Obie's shoulder.  Obie had just slung an arm around him and let Tony pass out while he rubbed a broad hand up and down his bicep.

It was strange, now, looking back with adult perspective.  A perspective that included Afghanistan and his intended execution while Obie talked about legacy and responsibility while Tony's lungs slowly seized.  He'd taken the time to sit there – arm around Tony's shoulders while one broad hand traveled up and down Tony's bicep – just like when he was a kid and Obie was the whole world.

He'd tried to remember if it had felt so... tainted... at the time.  Or if he'd always believed it was love.

Obie had never quite crossed that line. Though hindsight offered a peek into that possibility with enough clarity Tony had fought with his cramping gut for nearly thirty minutes.  He'd staved off vomiting though he was fairly certain his dignity had still been in tatters what with Bruce wandering in on his misery.

Upcoming story you are most excited about (this is basically a repeat of the above question so I decided to change it.  Do you have a future story idea you'd like to write that is not yet beyond the vague idea stage?  I love stories that put Molly in some sort of jeporady and I have a barely formed idea to someday write a “stalker fic” of some sort and not I don't care that this trope had been done on  repeat – I still love it lol!  I have a smidge of writing for it:

“I need your help.”

As afternoons at Baker Street went, this was a mundane request heard so often that Sherlock's typical reply, “Obviously, or you wouldn't be here”, could have been printed on flash cards.  The detective had actually made the suggestion after a particularly full day at the flat and having heard the statement no less than twenty times.  

Today, however, Sherlock merely blinked for a moment.  Then, with an awkwardness rare to a man with a lethal sort of grace in his movements, Sherlock gestured to John's chair, JOHN'S CHAIR, before taking his usual seat.

Molly didn't exactly smile but her lips edged up a bit before she sat.

John cleared his throat before pointing a vague hand towards the kitchen.  “I'll just go make some tea, shall I?”

“No, please, I...”  The stammer in her speech was not uncommon; though John couldn't recall such obvious fear.  Forgoing the kitchen he, instead, took the hard wooden chair facing the other two.

“Molly, what's wrong?”

Tagging: @kitcat992 @mizjoely @sgam76 @ariaadagio @hanuko @ceruleanmindpalace 

[some-creep]

SERIOUS and OFFICIAL RE3 Creep Review

Resident Evil 3 Remake is a good and fun game that I have already dedicated more energy into than all of RE2 Remake.

However. We can’t leave it at that so here’s a stupid long post.

First off: This will not include any mention of the freebie multiplayer game bundled in, RE: Resistance, a game that I unfortunately like but also realize it adds absolutely nothing to the purchase of this game itself.

Second: I have no goddamn idea what other people are saying about this game because I haven’t even clicked on the steam store page to see the general review scores. I don’t have twitter, and I refuse to watch reviews. All I know is vague youtube titles I’ve seen in my feed. That’s it.

Third of all: Everything I’ve ever written on here is disjointed and confusing so buckle the fuck up.

Oh. And spoilers.

To start this story we must go back to everyone’s favorite year, 2003, when RE3 released on the Gamecube and I was in third grade. Watching my cousin play it when he stayed over was my first actual experience with the series. And Nemesis was, like, really fucking scary at the time because I was a child. I bring this up because as you all might know, I’m a bit of an obsessed weirdo sometimes. This is where it started for me, so RE3 is kind of a big deal for me personally. Conceptually, this game means kind of a lot to me I guess.

As a “remake”, RE3 does, like, a terrible fucking job at being one of those. This is flat out, just, not a remake. At all. It’s a re-imagining. It would be easier to count the things they included from the original over the things they cut, that’s how different it is. OG RE3 had like. Three environments. And the remake just straight up cuts one of them and slaps a different character in the other. Alright I guess. We don’t see Brad get killed by Nemesis, because that just… doesn’t happen anymore. Jill doesn’t go to the police station… at all even. There’s no missile countdown during the final boss fight which was my favorite part because it was like. I know it was just a glorified timer but it was much scarier to me than the self destruct timer? Idk for some reason the concept of a missile destroying the whole ass city is an idea that genuinely just kind of freaks me out to this day.

This will sounds very hyperbolic but the ending was kind of garbage. Mr. Paul I love my Wife Anderson did a shot for shot recreation of the original ending and I guess I was just expecting something like that instead we got. Not. That. I don’t know if these complaints are valid but they are things I’ve been thinking about a lot. Half that scene straight up just takes place in a map that is just an empty white void. If that after the credits scene wasn’t a possible hint at a Code Veronica remake I will riot. CV is my other favorite game (conceptually. CV itself is a completely fucking unplayable nightmare game).

There’s no helicopter fight. There’s no gravedigger. There’s no giant spiders. There’s one bonus costume. Hell, there frankly isn’t even a lot of Raccoon City at all.

I guess it is short. My first play through was 4ish hours of logged gameplay and 6ish hours of total playtime with cutscenes and nemesis chases which apparently pause the timer since they’re basically QTEs? This doesn’t really bother me like it does other people. I don’t have a lot of free time anymore. Everyone fucking hates that this game is short from what I’ve seen? Idk. (It’s no shorter than RE2. RE2 just seems longer since you can be Leon or Claire but their stories are basically identical. B scenario in RE2 Remake was a fucking joke.)

Buuut… I really, really like this game.  Carlos is fine. He’s in this game. I still don’t like him that much but he’s the best of the male sidekicks. Maybe I like him more than Leon. He isn’t offensive or anything I just don’t stan him as hard as everyone on here seems to. Mikhail is way, way better now. Love how he knows who Jill is. Nikolai has… good facial mocap I guess. He’s certainly in the game and is evil and Russian again so no change there. Tyrel is a character who does things and is in scenes. He seems nice. He’s doing his best. And then there’s Jill. Who got the best treatment of anything in this entire game. Not like, physically of course, her ribs are absolutely destroyed and her spine has been snapped several times after all of that shit they put her through in the cutscenes.

I loved, loved, loved the opening. So much. Jill’s apartment. Her nightmares. The fact her life is in shambles. I’ve gushed about this before but I genuinely loved how the game opened. It’s everything I could have asked for and so much more. It’s an idea I’ve toyed w/ before in one of the only finished stories I’ve ever put on AO3 and I’m so glad to see it acknowledged canonically. I just. Ugh. I loved it.

Everything she says is beautiful and perfect and sassy and sometimes angry and it’s just. Good. They let Jill say fuck and she became unstoppable. Also she at least still says the You want S.T.A.R.S. line. It’s way, way, way early, in a scene that makes no sense for it to be in at all. But she says it. And I liked that she said it. I’m easy.

That stupid railgun bullshit at the end?? I was streaming it live and just exclaimed “is this game even real???” because I was just so all about it. We’re all still giggling at “Bitch can’t even swim.”

It’s fun to play as Jill and do sick dodge rolls. I’ve gone through this game four times now, once on each base difficulty and again on Assisted with just the hot-dogger fire knife w/o healing. Sick dodge rolls make the game very easy if you don’t fuck them up. I always fuck them up. But, still. I feel like all the bits are there from RE2 but just better. I intend to go through the game on the other two difficulties. Wish me luck. I am frankly terrified. But I want to do it.

Two of the nemesis fights are just straight up identical though. Which is. Okay. Sure. Whatever.

This game only had two puzzles for reasons I do not understand. The subway puzzle was the hardest of the two. It is the first puzzle in the game. Arguably, it is the only puzzle in the game because it is the only one you have to think about for more than 11 seconds to solve.

When the credits play the new version of Free from Fear I genuinely forget every weird problem I have with this game because it’s just… so good. Once again. I am easy.

This whole thing probably sounds like more complaints than praise for a game I’ve put this much time into, and maybe it is, but it is easier to talk about about something bad about a game than to pinpoint what you liked. And I love to complain as we all know. This is horrible as a remake. It’s great as a follow up to RE2 Remake probably. I think plenty of people already disagree with that. But plenty of people like to just be wrong on the internet.

Speaking of RE2 remake why did Pale Heads return from.. the ghost survivors dlc of all the fucking things. That’s just weird. They were a weird inclusion. Maybe I’m not totally surprised something like that made it over but it’s still… weird. They’re fine as an enemy type. I just ignored them though.

I think that for me it is just enough to have good and fun characters that I enjoy. I just. Like how Jill is written. And honestly, that’s kinda just all I need. It doesn’t really matter to me that this game is something of a horrible amalgamation of vaguely borrowed concepts from the original game. Sure, the RE1 remake is great because it’s mostly completely faithful, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it. Re-imaginings like this can also be good. This one is good. It’s fun.

There are a strange amount of tentacles in this game to the point where I wonder if someone on the dev team just straight up had a fetish. Especially after you get the lockpick. That scene is. Um. Yeah. It’s in the game.

Is that really how I’m going to end this? Talking about the tentacle fetish?

Yeah.

[therappundit]

***The Top 10 Rap Albums/Projects of 2019*** are...

At the end of the decade, the rap music genre finds itself with a more splintered and diverse fanbase than ever before. What did that mean for 2019? A push towards different styles which was balanced out by a strong grassroots revival of jazzy, soul-inspired sounds that echoed back to the heyday of the mid-to-late 90′s underground hip-hop scene. 

In 2019, the lanes that travel more closely to what most would consider “mainstream” rap, struggled to find new inspiration without as much artistic direction to act as a template. This created a bit of a hole for some, as the absence of new material from Kendrick Lamar or Isaiah Rashad, or the disappointing reception to highly anticipated releases from the likes of Chance The Rapper, Schoolboy Q or Kanye West, left the gate open just wide enough to allow more Young Thug disciples, more aspiring Futures, and more cookie cutter “want to be the next Drakes” to flood your streaming platform.

But let us be clear: 2019 was still a great year for rap music because the underground feasted. Scroll further, and you will see that point made by my list of the best rap projects released in 2019 (and in some cases, releases that are amongst the decades best). I used the following criteria for this year’s list:

- the album/mixtape/EP/project/WHATEVER you want to call it had to be released by Dec. 20th, 2019 (arguably still way too soon to craft a well-informed review of an artists’ project)

- the project must have at least 6 songs (arguably still too small of a sample size to compare to lengthier projects)

- these rankings are a *combination* of my own personal preference, overall quality, and how the final product compares to other work from the artists’ peers that occupy the same lane/”sub-genre” of rap music

Regardless of how you feel about this list, I hope that you visit (or re-visit) any one of these pieces of strong work and find the same level of enjoyment that I did. I loved so much rap music this year and I could not be more excited about what the future holds. On a personal note, in 2019 I found myself even more in love with my wife, feeling luckier than I have in a long time, more satisfied with my hobbies and passions, and above all else, more in awe of my child (and anyone that ever raised a child) than ever before. I became a father for the first time in 2019, so as my baby daughter continues to fill my heart, I am beginning to wonder what she will think of her father’s love for this art form that has brought him so much joy over the years...I suppose time will tell.

Salute to these artists below and so many, many others. 🙏🙏🙏

Much love to all,

Jason, THE Rap Pundit

10. It Wasn’t Even Close - Your Old Droog

Your Old Droog is a unique, stand alone artist - I want to make that larger point perfectly clear - but after I finished listening to Droog’s trio of terrific projects in 2019, and sat down to right this blurb, on It Wasn’t Even Close, I thought of three people (and not the one you think I’m going to say!): Royce Da 5′9″, MF DOOM, and Joe Pesci in Goodfellas.

I thought of Royce because more than any other artists, I think Royce and Droog both get dismissed as “punchline rappers” because of their punchline-heavy rhyme styles, but both make incredibly personal, perspective-driven music (not their fault you’re not listening closely enough). I also thought of DOOM because YOD is able to create an insular rap world with his projects that incorporate fantastic production ranging from off-the-wall to bleak as hell, paired with hard rhymes that can be both dope af and laugh out loud funny - but without the gunplay and drug dealer talk. And why Pesci?? Because it’s not always clear when Droog is going to come off with a well crafted joke, or a painful reveal of the dark thoughts behind the man...but that is what makes him such a compelling MC.

Of his three 2019 albums (Jewelry is not being acknowledged here because in the holiday shuffle I haven’t had any time to sit with it yet, but I like what I have heard thus far), the transportation themed and appropriately titled Transportation might show the most range as a song-maker, but it’s the relentless thump of It Wasn’t Even Close that lands a top 10 spot on my list. His recent work with Mach-Hommy seems to foster a free-wielding spirit in Droog, from surprise project releases to unpredictable themes. The bars come in great abundance throughout IWEC, and most of the finest moments from Droog come when he his dropping brilliant one-liners over production that does indeed point to the world being about to end (perhaps all too appropriate for the bizarre news feed that was 2019). 

Your Old Droog has too much to say, too many thoughts to simply dumb down his lyrical content to create a focused song that just addresses one singular idea, so he makes the right choice on It Wasn’t Even Close to touch on as many of his manic thoughts as possible. Droog is like a great stand-up comedian that knows his audience and will do whatever he wants with his material because he knows that is one of the things that keeps his audience coming back, but within each joke is a revealing kernel of truth that should be taken seriously. Because whether you see it on stage or not, working stand-up comedians often dedicate themselves to comedy because there is no other way to harness all of the fast moving, often dark and uncomfortable thoughts in their head. I can’t say if that’s the case with Your Old Droog, but he is certainly an artist that raps with the sense of humor - and unexpectedly deep thinking - of a great stand-up.

9. Guns - Quelle Chris

Circling back to my comment about 2019′s depressing news cycle in the above Your Old Droog post (can’t be a coincidence, given that Quelle, Droog and Hommy are all frequent collaborators), can you think of a more to-the-point and overdue rap album title for this moment in America’s history than Guns?

Quelle Chris can stake a claim as having one of the greatest under-appreciated catalogues in rap history. The gifted rapper and producer has blessed us with many great projects over the years, and he tends to excel at making a point without sacrificing the enjoyment factor of his music. Much like last year’s Everything’s Fine (his brilliant collaboration with fellow dope artist and wife Jean Grae), it’s his use of satire on Guns that prevents the project from dipping a toe too deeply into the gloom of the subject matter.  Guns is a wonderfully scored portrait of how the United States’ connection to violence fosters increasingly more violence, and the symbiotic relationship between violence and the tools that wield it. Quelle is not a gangsta rapper, and he does not support violence, but as a black man in this country and a rapper, he is pulled into a wide set of false assumptions. An artist like Quelle doesn’t avoid false assumptions or challenging subjects, he tackles them with a great deal of thought and care. Sure, Guns has some light-hearted moments, but at the rate that people are being shot and killed by guns in this country (especially the rate of black men and women, as wells as members of other minority groups), a successful satire is often one that leaves the audience sitting in reflective silence rather than uproarious laughter.

8. Hitler Wears Hermes 7 [HWH7] - Westside Gunn

2019 was such a triumph for Griselda Records’ journey of doubling down on their sound rather than adapting, and reaching even higher profile success by doing so. While providing less controversial cover art on the 7th installment of his Hitler Wears Hermes series may be seen as a bit of a (increasingly necessary) compromise, the collective continues to sustain a steadily growing fanbase by keeping their music honest and gritty.

While not as grounded in the traditional as Westside Gunn’s FLYGOD, HWH7 provides a highly satisfying glimpse into the world of Griselda's impresario, the best example since Supreme Blientele. That means an indulgent dose of dusty soul samples, fashion trends, wrestling references, impeccable guest verses, and a general sense of fun-loving mayhem that could only be characterized by a representative of a shining underdog of a city with a scrappy chip on its' shoulder like Buffalo. Anyone that knows Buffalo New York knows that it's a city as filled with love as it is cold during frequently brutal winters. That's the type of town needed to shape a raw diamond like Gunn, who is as unpredictable with his rap cadence as he is respectful of the great MCs around him.

Westside Gunn and the whole Griselda gang provide a vibe that brings the best out of even the most experienced rap veterans (for example, I haven’t heard Fat Joe rap this well in years). Whatever their secret recipe for success has been (besides a relentless hustle and fresh talent), Hitler Wears Hermes 7 is another great example of how the collective’s energy is so contagious that established artists are eager to fall in line with their vision, Griselda doesn’t adapt to their guests. And can we finally end this ridiculous notion that Westside Gunn isn’t a dope MC in his own right? Don’t let the sharp rhyme skills of Conway and Benny distract from the fact that Gunn brings a real outside the box approach to how he attacks a beat, he’s as fly with his word choice as his fashion rep.

7. Eve - Rapsody

Rapsody is a great rapper.

Not a great “female MC”, not a “good for a woman” rapper...so knock off that bullshit right now, it’s 2019 people (well, technically 2020 - but I meant to finish this whole post before the ball dropped, but I dropped the ball). :-/

Rapsody has been an underground darling for so long that I am not sure if you can technically refer to her as underground hip-hop artist anymore? Check the discography and you will see that the North Carolinian has quite an impressive list of good projects to her name - all of which helped build the revere that her peers feel towards her when they say her name. While she did not ask for cult status, she certainly inherited cult status as the MC that snippy underground heads like to point to whenever they feel like Nicki Minaj or Cardi B are receiving too much too soon. Of course this sentiment is completely unwarranted - and almost always driven by angst against a fanbase rather than the more famous artist his/herself - but it doesn’t stop the conversation from coming up again and again...so why doesn’t Rapsody have more mainstream success? Should she be mentioned in more conversations as one of the best rappers in the game? And should she be receiving more credit as a woman in a male-dominated genre of music that managed to build a fanbase without pumping more graphic sexuality into her music, or showing off her body?

Well, all the answers to these questions snake up to the same problem, because apart from gender, Rapsody, Nicki, Cardi, and Megan The Stallion all share something else in common: they’re all just trying to get their piece of the pie in a sexist industry (more like society - but that’s a much larger convo) and it’s 100% not their fault. Please try to understand that Rapsody is going to do what she does on a record, and Nicki will do the same, and to expect either artist to do the same type of record is as absurd as expecting Conway The Machine to make a Drake album. Whatever your gender identity may be, you are entitled to craft your sound to be as mainstream or underground as you want it to be, just do you.

So in a way, it would make sense that Rapsody would drop the best album of her career in a year where the mainstream rap scene was shallow, mostly unremarkable, and full of holes. I’m not at all saying that that’s the reason why she received more press off of Eve than on most of her previous works, but in a rare twist, industry trends did provide a bit of an assist in the publicity department. However, the acclaim for Eve has less to do with industry trends, and a lot to do with just how good the music is on this album. 

Eve is a celebration of black women, but not as a “ladies night at the bar”, one time only rap album gimmick, but as a personal and informative album where every track is named after an influential woman of color, and the star of the album just happens to be a black woman that also hopes to be remembered as an influential woman of color. Eve is as much a braggadocious claim for respect from a dope MC as it is a humble diary of a veteran rap artist that’s still very much in her prime. The production choices range from intentional reinterpretations of the familiar, to fresh takes that successfully ride the line between what we would traditionally call “mainstream” or “underground”. At the end of the day, Rapsody’s Eve manages to start a conversation about the importance of black women in the history of the world, but while filling in the details with reminders that she deserves the respect of being treated as just another great MC.

6. Zuu - Denzel Curry

There may not be a more important album reflecting the sound of a specific city in 2019 than Denzel Curry’s Zuu.

His ode to the Carol City neighborhood of Miami, Florida was a long time coming. Zuu would not have been possible had he not experimented with different approaches in the past. He has dabbled in the same woozy, screaming raves of his fellow Floridian peers, and flirted with expressionism (especially on his previous album, TA13OO), but it all really came together on Zuu. A loose, more casual approach to song crafting on this album built a city on a clean slate. Much in the same way that Juvenile and Mannie Fresh’s “Ha” painted as vivid a picture of the feeling of being in the Magnolia projects of New Orelans as any city homage in rap history, Denzel Curry deserves a ton of credit for collaborating with perfectly selected producers to capture a sound that feels as sweltering as Curry’s place of origin.

While Zuu could stand on atmosphere alone, Curry is also at his best as a MC on this album. His pen is hard at work here (even though he claimed this album did not come with much actual writing), and he showcases a control over his flow and a charisma that proves that he is a stand alone artist to stay glued to moving forward. While the production aesthetic may be providing the broad strokes of color, his lyrics are adding the finer details throughout, discussing his father’s life and in general, the anxiety of growing up in a Miami neighborhood where sunny days are never promised. Zuu is a great album start to finish.

5. Marcielago - Roc Marciano

Roc didn't technically *need* to drop an album this year. His 2018 was one of the most prolific in his career, and for his increasingly less niche core fanbase, the impact on his respective lane is crystal clear, be it by open shout-out from his peers, to more subliminal homages. But it's that last point that inspires Roc Marciano to suit up and dramatically emerge from the gate every year or two. He has that Jordan/Jay-Z gene that suggests that no matter how many accolades are racked up over the years, any internet troll has the potential to get Roc's blood up. Which is why it should come as no surprise by this point that the man that gave us Marcberg, Reloaded and a stack of other revered projects, still felt the need to remind his "sons" that he is one of the Masters of his art form.

As an exercise in word choice and turn of phrase, Marcielago is more of a flex than an attempt to push new boundaries. But as a display of Roc Marci's (somehow) still understated skill as a producer, it's so much more - possibly his best work behind the boards. While less experimental with his production choices than on his acclaimed Rosebudd projects, Marcielago finds Roc doubling down on his ability to color within the lines of a gritty, soulful soundtrack to a world of seductive criminal activity, occasionally swerving outside of the lines with great intention, like a record skip, reminding the listener that this world is part autobiography, part fantasy - but the imagination of the man at the center is scary real. The piano sample alone on "I.G.W.T." is enough to provoke a smokey zone out, and the beat switches on that track as well as others (such as "Tom Chambers") are captivating because the switch-ups drive focus, not a choice derived from an overindulgence in production or onset boredom.

Many rap artists can claim to have made a great impact on their respective lane of traffic, but not many can claim that they paved their own. Roc did not invent the New York underground sound by any means, but when most of the New York crew abandoned ship, the captain stuck with it. ✊

4. The Plugs I Met - Benny The Butcher

Let's make this perfectly clear: Griselda Records has been dope af for years now, and nothing changed about their game plan in 2019 except that they had significantly more press to help continue pushing their brand forward. That press helped them put a ribbon around a tremendous year of music for them, along with a rapidly growing bandwagon of websites and online influencers that were previously asleep at the wheel.

That all being said...in 2019, the rap world really learned about Benny The Butcher. The Buffalo lyricist and Griselda & BSF rap capo has been spitting for years now, but word has finally reached his peers that he is pretty close to untouchable when it comes to this game called rap. Benny took things to another level with his short but potent dose of an album, The Plugs I Met.  Much like Pusha T (an appropriate guest here on “18 Wheeler”), please do not dismiss Benny as just another street hustler rapping about cocaine dealing. It’s not the subject matter that’s special here, it’s the attention to detail. Benny’s ability to describe the life he leads/has lead, and what he has been through with his writing is nothing short of brilliant, and he is able to rattle off astute observations/descriptions with his rhymes about the world he knows at a level that I would only compare to B.I.G., Nas, Jay-Z, Kool G Rap, Push, Beanie Sigel, and other legendary MC’s that have a unique way with words when it comes to tales of crime life.

But what more can I say about Benny the rapper/warrior poet that I haven’t been saying for years?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

https://therappundit.tumblr.com/post/143774514306/neighborhood-watch-benny

3. We Grown Now - Tree

Tree is a legend. If he’s not a legend in the conversations you are currently having about the best rap projects of 2019, then you need to remedy that. Perhaps you can downgrade him to “just” a Chicago legend, but I would disagree on the grounds that musically, he’s a legend when it comes to who he is as a rap artist, and I don’t really care that this album isn’t on anyone else’s top best of lists, it’s AOTY worthy material...

Tree is a veteran rapper/producer that seems to have a love-hate relationship with the rap business (well, maybe it’s strictly hate when it comes to rap as a business, but he raps with too much conviction for me to believe that he doesn’t love rapping - even when he’s jaded by it all). Why he isn’t heralded as an icon across every rap website today isn’t exactly clear to me (and I have already made too many assumptions on the intents of the artists on this list), but after being in a bit of a slumber, the purveyor of “soul trap” seemed to rise high once again in 2019, striking his fanbase with numerous projects that read as autobiographical diaries, including a dope collaboration with Vic Spencer, producer Parallel Thought, and this amazing album, We Grown Now.

Whether it’s attempting to find closure from fallen friendships, an ode to his sons, a declaration of his love for travel, or an olive branch to the past loves of his life, Tree touched on so many personal moments on his work in 2019 that it’s hard not to think that it’s all part of his final victory lap. It feels that way because Tree comes across as an old Blues man at heart, his greatest works of art often his most painful ones. While he may travel outside of music to get away from it all, put a mic, beat and writing pad in front of him, and he puts himself out there, warts and all. Give this one a spin in the New Year if you missed out:

https://soundcloud.com/mctreeg/sets/wegrownnow

2. Retropolitan - Skyzoo & Pete Rock

The definition of a dope New York album with no skips. Skyzoo shows that one can revel in nostalgia and positivity at the same time, that reflecting on how your home has changed can be a loving experience, even when it's clear that you would love to turn back the clock to an older, impactful time of your life. 

Retropolitan is the sound of a music Mecca that thrives today because of its' past, and even when you don't hear that sound of the city within the city walls as often as you used to, it’s that sound that still propels it forward every day. By all means, you can criticize the sounds coming from "these kids today", but know that new sounds still trace back to their source material (whether you can hear it or not, the influence exists), and there will always be enough room for different rap styles to to co-exist, just as Classical music and Rock 'n Roll continue to inspire the world around us without any genre/sub-genre diluting the pool...in fact, the pool only continues to expand because of it.

Like Roc Marciano, Skyzoo is on a short list of NYC-based MC’s that kept developing a traditional east coast underground sound in their music for years, long after it was en vogue. As one of the genre’s most naturally gifted writers and storytellers, I don’t know if any MC working today is as fit to write this album as Skyzoo, a relic that survived a purging of the old guard in NYC only to emerge as part of a resurgence of underground hip-hop, sounding as spry as ever (if not, even stronger). With Retropolitan, every bit of this ode to growing up in a culture capitol feels like a child’s observation from a Brooklyn apartment window rather than a forced exaltation of times gone by.

This pairing may be the most natural for Pete Rock since CL Smooth, and no doubt the music on this album would not exist if it wasn't for timeless records like "T.R.O.Y." that continue to breathe and sound as refreshing as the day it dropped. Right now I doubt many expect Retropolitan to have the same cultural impact (as the material clearly points out, both the world and the genre are so different nowadays), but the music that derived from these two NYC legends certainly packs a wallop of quality that belongs in rotation for years to come.

1. Bandana - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

By now it's hard to imagine that folks were skeptical of the musical union between Freddie Gibbs and Madlib. But back in 2010/2011, prior to the release of "Thuggin" (the first single to be released from the fantastic project that would eventually become Pinata) the notion of Gangsta Gibbs finding a happy union with the man that was behind classic projects alongside underground icons the likes of MF DOOM and Jay Dilla, sounded more like a fish out of water tale. Today, it would be like hearing news of 21 Savage and DJ Premier dropping.

By the time Bandana finally dropped - the much anticipated follow-up to the Pinata collaboration that many consider a modern classic - the hype had long since buried the initial questions that fans had about what the chemistry would be like between the respected artists, who once climbed the rankings within two very separate lanes. What Pinata proved was that the hard rhymes from Gibbs, when paired with Madlib's chopped up jazzy soulscapes, yield a sound that feels as beautifully organic as many of the genre's purist classic records. The biggest difference between Bandana and its' predecessor is that their chemistry has only improved.

What 'MadGibbs' achieved here was a more intimate and diverse album than Pinata, and arguably a superior one. Bandana may lack the layers of dusty underground grit which came in abundance on Pinata, but Gibbs' flow and pen game are so sharp on this album that it gave Madlib a bit more room to experiment with some sounds that don't instantly point to Madlib as the orchestrator on first listen. Lurking behind the making of this project were Gibbs' very real legal troubles, and the threat of extended prison time that not only jeopardized the completion of this project, but Freddie Gibbs' own freedom. Throughout the amazing Bandana, Gibbs does not hesitate to remind fans of how his life could very well have gone in a different direction, and that's exactly what elevates an album of bars & beats to a gripping, album of the year experience. Even with Bandana still in heavy rotation for the foreseeable future, it's hard not to salivate over what the duo could accomplish next...

***AND THE REST OF THE BEST***...

11. Emergency Raps, Vol. 4 - Tuamie feat. Fly Anakin & the Mutant Academy

12. Let The Sun Talk - MAVI

13. Wap Konn Jòj! - Mach-Hommy

14. W.W.C.D. [What Would Chine Do]? - Griselda (Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny)

15. SPORTEE - Nolan The Ninja

16. El Capo - Jim Jones (and The Heatmakerz)

17. Hiding Places - Billy Woods & Kenny Segal

18. Oofie - Wiki

19. Feet of Clay - Earl Sweatshirt

20. Hell’s Roof - Eto & DJ Muggs

21. Brandon Banks - Maxo Kream

22. 4wurd - Jay Bel

23. Revenge of the Dreamers 3 - J. Cole & the Dreamville roster

24. Sli’merre - Young Nudy & Pi’erre Bourne

25. The Wild End - Tree & Parallel Thought

26. Holly Water - Fly Anakin & Big Kahuna OG

27. Kirk - DaBaby

28. Boss Sauce - Mooch & Futurewave

29. Port of Miami 2 - Rick Ross

30. So Much Fun - Young Thug

31. Own Pace - Medhane

32. Drip or Drown 2 - Gunna

33. You Can’t Sit With Us - Pivot Gang

34. GREY Area - Little Simz

35. Transportation - Your Old Droog

36. Tuez-Les Tous - Mach-Hommy & DJ Muggs

37. May The Lord Watch - Little Brother

38. Drum Machine Tape Cassette - Kev Brown & J Scienide

39. Lil Big Man - Maxo

40. Statue of Limitations - Smoke DZA & Benny The Butcher

Honorable Mention:

Bullies - Denmark Vessey, DrxQuinnx & Azarias

[tisthenightofthewitch]

KISS THE GO-GHOST: AN INTERVIEW WITH TOBIAS FORGE

Ghost, formerly known as Ghost B.C have cultivated a cult following within the metal community since their debut almost 10 years ago. Known for their dark persona and eerily catchy soundscapes, they not only have a sound that’s unmistakable, but a stage presence so involved that there are backstories to each Papa(the name used by each rotating front person) that has taken rein thus far.

I remember when I first discovered their 2010 release, Opus Eponymous, and how enthralled I was with their sound. Granted, I was late to the party, as they had already toured through Utah before. By the time I had completely immersed myself in their music, it was 2014—a year after their second full length album, Infestissumam had released. I was hypnotized by their macabre charm from the get-go, and I’ve eagerly anticipated every release since then. I’ve always loved how frontman Tobias Forge’s vocals shine against the instrumentals, as well as how grim the lyrics truly can be.

With the surprise “re-release” of their single Seven Inches of Satanic Panic, which originally had debuted in the ’60s (according to the Ghost timeline), this magic touch is exceptionally present. As 2018’s LP Prequelle had hints of disco and other nostalgic influences from the 70s and 80s, Seven Inches is laced with the catchy, punchy sweetness of the 1960s—inspiring sounds reminiscent of The Zombies and The Monkees with a sinister twist.

As their grandiose tour, The Ultimate Tour Named Death, conquers North America for the remainder of the month, Forge and I spoke about the band’s origins, song influences and meanings, and life on tour.

SLUG: What inspires you to make songs based around dark themes, such as Satan? Where does this aesthetic come from, and how does it exist in your full-length releases?

Forge: It wasn’t just an epiphany that I had. I grew up, as many others, in the metal underground community. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been a fan of hard rock, metal and all kinds of rock music. My main tool of expression and what I sympathized most with was heavy metal—especially the bands that were big around the time that I was very little. Around 1984, when I was three years old, all of the new, big bands were shock-rock bands like Twisted Sister, Motley Crue, Wasp and Kiss. These, among others, were the first bands that I really, really liked. My older brother, who was significantly older than I was, gave me those records and it just went from there.

I’ve come to expand my liking of music a lot. I loved a lot of 60s music and 70s pop-rock and all kinds of musical styles. When it comes to expressing myself, there’s always been some sort of shock-rock value to whatever I’ve done—a little bit more explicit when it comes to lyrics and a little bit more explosive with image.

My first band that I ever formed was a death metal band and I spent my whole adolescence playing death and black metal where obviously satanic themes are omnipresent. So, when Ghost happened, it wasn’t like I was coming up with a new image—it was so natural. Then, it expanded over the years because I felt like if I’m going to keep things fresh and keep being inspired, I need to expand the lyrics going forward. I’ve always drawn parallel lines, and my ways of expression are always leaning towards darkness and goth in the same way Nick Cave and Leonard Cohen do. I feel more kindled with them when it comes to song writing than I would with Venom—even though I love them, too. The lyrics that I try to write nowadays are more focused on symbols for something real. Satanism is a very good symbol for turmoil or conflict, but most of the lyrics from albums two, three and four have more parallels to real life and the world. It’s just explained with satanic parallels.

SLUG: What are some of your favorite songs from your discography and why? What makes these songs special to you?

Forge: You have the “cream-of-the-crops” in a way—like, the immediate songs. I think “Dance Macabre” is an immediate song and is a song that I will be playing for the rest of my life. I think “Square Hammer” is like that. “From the Pinnacle to the Pit” is a song that is very immediate. I think “Cirice” is one of the best songs I’ve ever written and probably will ever write, but for different reasons. Sometimes I really enjoy songs that are simple. Sometimes it’s harder to write a simple song. You have all of the ingredients that you need in order to make a song, and a risk that the song will be considered premeditated. But, yes, it is. Every song that has ever been written was done so with some sort of intent. Even the songs that people think are made with no commercial interest whatsoever are usually written to feel or taste a certain way.

So, you’re always happy when you manage to say the things that you wanted to say and have the moods in the song that you wanted in there without making it complicated. It’s so easy to get stuck in a complicated arrangement that’s hard to get out of. Where “Square Hammer” is so simple, “Cirice” is a little bit more complicated. It has a long intro that has nothing to do with the rest of the song. It has more of a classic metal arrangement, whereas “Square Hammer” is way more punk. So, I like those songs for completely different reasons, but they both do the trick and they’re songs that will come to embody Ghost. That’s how it feels right now, at least.

SLUG: Your live shows and stage presence are always so elaborate and beautiful. How has your stage show changed with the introduction of Cardinal Copia in comparison to Papa(s) one, two and three? Where did the idea of having a masked band to this intricate extent come from? Why Papa and why Cardinal Copia?

Forge: Early on in the creation of Ghost, I was just reviewing what I had heard. When we recorded the first demo, when I heard my songs, my first impression was that it sounds like a heavily imaged band. If I were a fan of this record that I hear, I would be disappointed if it turned out to just be four or five dudes just standing in jackets and t-shirts. It doesn’t sound like that. It sounds more like an experience and that’s where it originated.

The aesthetics and the ideas are a mash-up of everything that I grew up watching and listening to. It’s black metal mixed with horror films and showmen. I’ve always been a fan of every single character that balances genius, charisma and being pathetic. That’s where Papa comes from.  He’s supposed to be cool, but he’s also slightly out of touch and pathetic—and funny, I think!

SLUG: The last time I saw you in Salt Lake City, you opened for Iron Maiden. Now, you’re touring North America after touring Europe with Metallica. What is it like to tour with these big names in metal? How have these bands influenced you in the past and what does it feel like to work with them now?

Forge: I am still as much of a fan of these groups as I was before, which is a very nice feeling knowing that I can completely separate my ideas, my dreams and my fantasies about both of these bands. But I think that has to do with the fact that for most of my life, I’ve idolized those bands while still always also knowing that what I wanted to do with my life was very similar to what they did—meaning record albums, go out and tour the world and change the world and have a deep impact on people in the same way that they had an impact on me.

On a very professional level, from the get-go, both Iron Maiden and Metallica have been very informative to their fan-base. Iron Maiden started that with their album Life After Death. All of their tour dates were in there, there was a lot of info about their touring life and the technicalities of playing live. I used to sit down with a map book and circle everywhere they played. I would try to figure out their days off and where they were playing next. Very early on, as a kid, I sort of approached it from a professional point of view. Not only did I want to stand on stage like I saw in the pictures, but I wanted to tour like they do. That’s the school of rock that I went to. Metallica would be even more informative later when they released their box set Binge and Purge. You could see old faxes between management and them, and I read everything I could see. I already knew 20 years later that that was a part of the program. I’ve learned so much from studying Iron Maiden and Metallica that when the day came when I started touring with them, I was like “I know this!” It was something I had done before. Now, I have the luxury of learning so much more firsthand.

SLUGMAG.COM

[starsailorstories]

So! Given, uh, everything, any chance you could talk about how various Astraea cultures deal with sicknesses and quarantine? Especially since some (especially Bell Town) are extremely or entirely genetically identical, and so more at risk?

Also, how would the cast members react to self isolation and social distancing?

FIRST OFF, sorry this took 10 years to answer, I was super busy and there’s kind of A Lot Of Spec Bio to discuss here

Also, this question made me feel very Seen lol…why yes i DO use worldbuilding as a coping mechanism for the stress of watching the wet tissue paper my country calls a social safety net dissolve

Most sickness that astraeas deal with day to day isn’t actually contagious*, but more a result of individual reaction to the environment (in terms of public health response, think seasonal allergies, although physiologically speaking it’s nothing like that). Communicable, infectious disease tends to be a less frequent problem but purely for that reason is more feared, especially as the most common source for novel diseases is interplanetary shipping (like, astraeas on one planet who have immunity to something unknowingly ship contaminated goods to another planet where people don’t). All that is nowhere near as devastating as it could be in a human context–for one thing astraeas’ bodies are hella dry compared to ours, so if a microbe isn’t airborne it’s almost a non-issue (on the other hand, infection is almost a guarantee if you have an open wound)–but most planets, stations and orbiters have a list of OTHER planets, stations and orbiters categorized by how long it’s been since first contact and how long shipments need to be in quarantine based on that, and that kind of thing runs the same gamut from “rigorously evidence-based” to “completely political and petty” that it does on earth.

Speaking of which, the issue of genetic similarity as a disease risk is as politicized as you’d expect in a society where people said “oh, with our genetic technology we can just design the working class to be however we want.” The Hyperians, being, you know, A Rigidly Hierarchal Interstellar Empire In A Space Opera as they are, tend to present the genetic homogeneity as sort of a good thing, what makes Us Us and Them Them, and the royal family themselves subscribe to the very historically royal (and also very eugenicist) idea that genetic “purity”–which for astraeas mostly just means having children in a very chemically controlled environment–helps keep em’ royal or something. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t it just makes hemophilia, and the more conservative Basileans minimize the environmental variance that keeps them from wiping each other out like some kind of aggressively graceful banana monocrop, the easier it is for epidemics to escalate in general because whole colonies become vectors together.

You won’t read about it in your galactic history book til after the revolution, but the dangers of genetic homogeneity were actually observed by lux units, who noticed that “variant” and “off-order” clones were a bit more likely to survive outbreaks of disease. Supervisors in clone factories have tried HARD to excise the superstition that variant units who remain un-decommissioned into adulthood are good luck to have on your cabin crew or manufacturing-plant shift, but it’s never completely gone away, and once Bell Town goes topside their medics and scientists immediately get to work testing, peer reviewing and proving the mechanics of diversity as a factor of public health because it’s a helpful argument for legitimizing their seizure of the means of their own reproduction and fighting the prejudice against “defective” lux that don’t fit the mold.

To really get into your question, Bell Town at least has the advantage of being small and having a busybody mom friend for a de facto head medic, so I don’t think they’ve ever had a quarantine situation get much bigger than four or five people just because Bolt is very up on how everyone’s doing and very very persuasive–the medics know that that’s just a matter of luck though, and I’m sure a factor in the push to go topside is the potential for tragedy involved in having a settlement of mostly/nearly genetically identical people in somewhat adverse and scarce conditions. That’s not to say there’s no plan–the shortages in Bell Town tend to be of immediately consumable raw materials, like air and fuel and very basic multi-use medicines, whereas raw materials for manufacturing specialized equipment are a lot easier to get because organized factories in DT’s network can have them smuggled out. And a majority of the town’s population, at least by vol. 2, are former manufacturing-plant labor with working radio receivers in their heads, so it’s fairly feasible to expect even a small portion of them, with an emergency push, to manufacture A Lot of vaccines, or intensive care equipment, or whatever was needed practically overnight with the direct guidance of the medics to ensure as much safety in the process as possible (they do just that with medical and defense supplies in vol. 2 for various spoilery things).

Up top, the aula’s responses to any and all large-scale social crises tend to be erratic but sweeping. There are some advantages–in terms of expertise, there are certainly things that well-paid doctors with fully equipped research hospitals can accomplish that a dedicated crack team of self-educated medics can’t, including proactive study of new strains of disease. There’s also feudal insanity–technically individual hospitals/institutions aren’t supposed to issue info without the aula’s permission, though legally local nobles can give it on the Hyperians’ behalf if they’re willing to risk Drama. The internal weirdness of the court both logistical and interpersonal (which I need to make a post about) can sometimes mean, in any emergency, that different parts of the empire receive conflicting information, or an edict followed after a day’s delay in the satellite network by a retraction. Public trust (among citizens of relative status at least) that the Hyperians know what they’re doing tends to decline exponentially as you move out from the inner Rings for this exact reason.

Derafior City on Caesura B dealt with a wave of multiple epidemics a couple hundred turns before the official rise of the empire that still affect how the city is laid out–leaders at the time issued quarantine orders in cooperation with individual colony matriarchs, and as those orders became enforced in physical “zones” neighborhood identities, reputations, and rivalries became increasingly defined (Crater culture being what it is, quarantine boundaries were often pretty literal battle lines as the situation became desperate). A lot of historians trace the factionalism of the Crater to this era, although outside imperialism was also a major instigator of both factional conflicts and disease exposure. Keep in mind too that while outsiders like to portray Derafior as violently fractured and there’s a grain of truth to that, there are just as many deep loyalties between neighborhood/colony factions as there are rivalries and as we see in vol. 3, Caesurans are certainly not allergic to closing ranks when shit really hits the fan. 

I don’t have specific canon examples from other ante-dome cultures but another thing of possible interest that I’d like to talk about is that in places touched by Basilean culture, a lot of what we consider “social distancing” is just normal because cleanliness is highly ritualized and valued. Although platonic adult friendships tend to be very cuddly by American and British standards, at the same time, hand touches between strangers outside specific social rituals are seen as quite inappropriate, so things are more thoroughly designed to prevent them–for example, most trading of goods is done purely on paper at the point of sale and nothing actually passes from hand to hand, you go get it out of the crate or pick it out of the field yourself (which is also a practicality of the relative non-ubiquity of flexible currency–and actually, one of the complaints about the use of currency among more traditional astraeas is that it spreads germs). Basically everyone who can afford it wears gloves in public, which are changed and washed every time a person re-enters her home (disposable gloves are mostly limited to medical and laboratory settings, although it’s not unheard of to use them in a pinch if you don’t have a place to launder gloves at home. Side note, if you’re translating directly Altamaian actually refers to manual labor that makes it impractical to wear gloves as “barehanded” labor and the summary conceptualization of such as unhygienic represents a MAJOR vein of classism among Basilean citizens). The reason for the glove thing is that for a species with an exoskeleton regular hand washing can be kind of involved (You know how sometimes it takes a lot of scrubbing to get the dirt out from under your fingernails? Now imagine you have fingernails all over your hands). 

Oh and to answer your second question: out of the main cast the one you’d think would suffer most with self-isolation is Bolt, but being a healthcare worker she’d still see people. Rugsy would complain the loudest but also paradoxically be secretly kind of relieved to not have to worry about People for a while. DT experiences virtually no change from her normal lifestyle lmao

*There’s two kinds of disease that can affect astraeas–what they call “miasmic”, and infectious. Miasmic disease (which as you might guess I named after the precursor to modern germ theory–it’s kind of true in this instance!) is basically when an individual’s body and light chemistry can’t maintain its normal balance in certain atmosphere conditions. A big reason for the kickoff of the artificial atmosphere industry after the settling of Altamai is that the cloud cover tends to trap a lot of carbon dioxide, and for i.e. Basillans and Sitherians (who have come to be based on G-type stars, like the sun, and K-type stars, slightly smaller and cooler than the sun) there’s just not enough hydrogen atoms in there to run their bodies optimally. This mostly affects very young children, the elderly, and those whose cores were formed in suboptimal conditions (comparable to a human who has a chronic health condition because of a birth defect) and if it can’t be remedied by a move to more hydrogen/helium rich air, it’s treated by sucking the pure hydrogen out of a water electrolysis device through a hose on the daily, which side note, is also a reliable hangover remedy for them.