#when I was editing this I got a spaghetti ad and it was very funny

[papyrus-in-places-he-shouldnt-be]

Papyrus shouldn't be in your closet

[adultswim2021]

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job #19: “Pepperoni” | January 21, 2008 - 12:15AM | S02E09

Another great episode. This one is jam-packed, and has a substantial amount of deleted or alternate sketches associated with it. That’s good for me, because I hate when these write-ups are just me pointing out funny things. What am I, Jay Leno’s famous Headlines segment from The Tonight Show Starring Jay Leno on NBC? Did you know that one of the worst things I ever saw on television was him pointing out intentional humor in a Papa Johns print ad? At least I think it was Papa Johns. Hey, remember when Tim and Eric did that Papa Johns thing in that thing? Nice. I’m back on track. Thanks for sticking with me.

Do you wonder why this episode is called “Pepperoni”? Well, wonder no more. This one starts off with a very brief cold open that reprises Tom Goes to the Mayor in live-action! In it, the Mayor gets increasingly frustrated with Roy Teppert for turning on his discman every time the Mayor uses his pointing stick to turn it off. The punchline is we cut to Tom Peters at the door, looking awkward.

What does that have to do with “Pepperoni?” Why did I do a paragraph break before giving support for my thesis statement? Well, I’ll tell you: there was originally MUCH more to this sketch. Seemingly this was meant to be the wraparound for the episode. There are two more deleted scenes from this sketch where Tom is clutching a pepperoni stick, and they get into a gentleman’s wager over weather or not that pepperoni would go well with a Cheese Pizza. I’m not entirely sure why these got the axe. They are pretty funny and I think they should’ve banked them for another episode. I guess it’s good that these guys generally like looking forward with their material, but I would’ve been all for them returning to the Tomiverse for more live-action mayubernatorial fun. 

The runner of this episode revolves around Bread Harrity, famous for being my friend C-Dog’s Geocities username. Bread is a Mediterranean man who loves entertaining children with songs about Spaghetti and Meatballs. This series of sketches is actually focused on the Breadheads, two trashy trailer park women who adore and desperately want to become Bread’s sexual partners. They openly talk about how much they hate their children and their current stations in life. It’s weird how disgusting some of the lines are in this sketch, only to have the relatively innocuous “bush” be bleeped out. I’ve always taken issue with that! This ends with the girls finally meeting their idol, and coming off too desperate and creepy when they sing a song about becoming his love slaves. He backs off, because he simply wants to “do it in the dark” (for some reason this line has reverberated in my head for the past decade and a half). 

There’s also another Kids Break that, like most of them, fails to recapture the magic of the first one. But that’s okay. They put a fun twist on this by calling it a “teen edition” and Tim & Eric have aged their characters up slightly. They are cool bad boys in this one. Originally this was conceived in a similar vein to the previous Kids Break sketches, and the deleted “preppy” version can be found on the DVD in the special features.

Hobby Holes features Fred Armisen as K.J. Nutt, a man with a British accent who just loves holes in the dirt and wants to teach you all about them. This sketch is fine, but it does feature one of the more sublime moments: K.J. Nutt is reciting the contents of a letter telling him he can’t make a hole in a piece of paper, but for some reason the graphics on screen show a complete letter with an opening salutation and closing valediction while the body only reads one single line: “You silly man.” without the rest of the text. I don’t know if I did any kind of job relaying this joke, but it’s one of my favorite bits in the entire series.

This sketch is reprised with embarrassing behind-the-scenes footage of the host freaking out, which is becoming formulaic at this point (Pussy Doodles, Crystal Shyps, probably others that I’m forgetting, all did this same thing). I might not have noticed this trend if it weren’t for the fact that this instance of it doesn’t do too much to add to the sketch. Nothing tops “You silly man.” for me. 

Hey, we got Brules Rules. In this one he instructs everyone to just eat ants that get on your picnic food, because they are made out of protein. I genuinely remember being taught this during cub scout camp, and a teenage counselor actually ate an ant in front of us. I remember thinking, “I’ll be damned. I guess you can eat those things.” I still never have, at least not on purpose. 

Video Match: Rainn Wilson is back! YIKES! This isn’t particularly inspired; he’s basically just saying Dwight style stuff about being a gamer. BORE-ING. 

There’s “Writin’ a jingle for Tom Skerrit.” which sorta exists in the canon of “Tim & Eric dicking around at the Abso Lutely offices”. This one actually has a ghastly surprise; after work-shopping their ideas for a Tom Skerrit jingle (for what purpose exactly is never explained), we pan over to see a tired-looking Tom Skerrit, who walks out on the meeting, unimpressed with Tim or Eric. Tim scolds him for wasting their time, and Tom offers back “you didn’t do a good job”. Great Job.

This one notably ends with The Shins playing over the credits, doing a cover of the “Never gonna Wipe My Butt” song. I remember thinking maybe this song originated on stage or something, or that I’d heard of it before this episode. Turns out I may have: The Shins performed it in late 2007 and a video of the performance made its way onto Youtube around then. It’s possible Tim & Eric debuted the song during a live show, but I must be thinking of this. They probably started performing it after recording their version for Tim & Eric in this episode. 

There’s one more deleted sketch; at least I’m choosing to attribute it to this episode because Tim & Eric are dressed in their same wardrobe as they were in the Tom Skerrit sketch. It’s given some title like “BEHIND THE SCENES” and in it, Tim & Eric present an actual lost sketch to the audience: the deleted Gibbons and Friendy cartoon. We see this briefly in season one’s “Friends”, shown on a television screen for a few seconds. So, the reason they didn’t include it on the season one DVD was because they filmed a new intro for it for season two and deleted it again.

Shout out to this great Youtube channel which has playlsits of Tim & Eric DVD extras. I’m a lover of physical media because of great extras like this, but I’m also pro people uploading DVD extras to YouTube so everyone can enjoy them. Go find the other deleted scenes I mentioned there!

[percussiongirl2017]

Doctor Who

Title: Doctor Who

Characters: Implied Dean x Reader, Sam

Summary: The brothers run into you during a case. Afterward, you convince Dean to join you on a Netflix binge.

Word Count: 1168

Warnings: Blood, very minor angst, fluff with Dean

A/N: REPOSTING OF AN OLD FIC. This was for a challenge about a year or two ago. It’s been edited and formatted. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Buy Dean’s scent here!

*****

*Dean’s P.O.V.*

    I kicked the door down and entered with my gun drawn. Blood covered the walls and all of the furniture. My eyes glanced around the room until I settled on the form huddled in the corner. Y/N was sitting on the floor with her gun clutched in her hands. She was covered in blood and I hoped none of it was hers. I slowly walked over and crouched in front of her.

“Y/N.” I said. “You okay?”

She nodded her head. “Mmm-hmm.”

“Are you hurt?” I asked.

She shook her head.

I reached out for her gun. “Let’s get you out of here.”

    She willingly gave me her gun and I tucked it into my waistband. I picked her up bridal style and she pressed her face to my shirt. Running out to the Impala, I passed her over to Sam and jumped behind the wheel.

“What happened?” Sam asked.

“I think she took on a whole room of werewolves alone.” I told him.

“Damn.” Sam whispered.

    You had fallen asleep against Sam’s chest as I headed to the Bunker.

“How much of this blood is hers?” Sam asked.

“I have no clue.” I admitted. “She said she wasn’t hurt.”

    You woke up when we parked in the garage and Sam climbed out of the car.

“Sammy?” She muttered.

“Hey.” He said. “How ya feeling?”

“Tired.” She yawned.

“Let’s get you cleaned up and you can sleep.” I suggested.

“Mm-kay.” She mumbled.

    Sam carried her to her room and I pulled out clean sweatpants and one of my old shirts for her to change into.

“Think you can manage the shower alone?” Sam asked.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “I’m fine.”

     She accepted the clothes from me and made her way to the bathroom. Sam and I headed to our rooms to clean up and change for the night. After I changed and got dinner started, I walked back down to Y/N’s room. I knocked on the door and waited.

“Come in.” She called.

     I walked in and she was curled up in bed. She moved over and I laid down beside her.

“What’s up, sweetheart?” I asked. “Tell me about that hunt.”

She sighed. “It was supposed to be a few werewolves. No big deal, right? I’ve done those before, but I walked in and there were seven of them.”

“You took down all seven by yourself?” I asked impressed with her skills.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “The last few caught me upstairs. They backed me into a corner and I just kept shooting. I just kept pulling the trigger until I ran out and they were dead.”

“Guess that explains why you were covered in blood.” I added.

“I was scared, De.” She whispered.

“It’s okay to be scared.” I said while pulling her closer.

“I thought I was going to die.” She sobbed into my chest.

“It’s okay.” I told her. “You’re safe now.”

“How did you know I was there?” She questioned.

I grinned. “Sam hacked your phone when you didn’t answer.”

“Figures.” She chuckled.

“Ready to go eat dinner?” I asked.

“Yeah. I’ll meet you down there.” She nodded.

    I kissed the top of her head and went back to the kitchen to stir the sauce on the stove. The noodles were boiling in the pot next to it as I placed the garlic bread in the oven.

“Smells good.” Sam commented as he walked in. “Where’s Y/N?”

“Her room.” I answered. “She said she’ll be out in a minute.”

“Is she okay?” Sam asked.

“She will be.” I told him. “She said she was scared. She took down seven werewolves alone. I’d be scared too!”

“Yeah.” He agreed. “Me too.”

“What’s cooking?” Y/N asked as she appeared in the doorway.

“Spaghetti.” Sam and I said in unison.

“Garlic bread?” She questioned.

“In the oven.” I called.

“Awesome.” She grinned.

    I served up the plates and watched as Y/N shoveled food in her mouth. She groaned in satisfaction.

“This is so good.” She muttered.

“Thanks.” I laughed.

    After a several more plates, we cleaned up the kitchen. Y/N was swaying on her feet as sleep threatened to take over.

“Go to bed.” Sam laughed.

“’Kay.” She mumbled. “Geronimo!”

    She walked out and I looked at Sam.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It’s from Doctor Who.” Sam laughed.

“What?” I stated confused.

“It’s a show, Dean.” He answered.

    I nodded and continued cleaning the kitchen. Sam left to go research something and I went to check on Y/N. I slowly opened the door and found her still awake. All the lights were off, but the laptop at the foot of her bed lit up her face.

“You still awake?” I asked.

“Yeah.” She replied.

“You were practically asleep on your feet a little bit ago.” I chuckled.

She shrugged and mumbled. “Can’t sleep.”

    I walked over to see what she was watching. She scooted over and I eased down beside her. There was a man in a blue box running around on the screen.

“What is this?” I questioned.

“Doctor Who.” She answered. “Shh.”

“Okay. I was going to head to bed.” I stated. “Need anything?”

“Stay with me?” She asked. “Please?”

“Sure.” I nodded. “What’s this about?”

“Just hush and watch.” She said. “You’ll see.”

    I sat beside her and watched several episodes. Eventually, I caught on that the guy in the phone box—TARDIS—was the tenth regeneration of The Doctor. He was funny. I tried not to ask questions unless I didn’t understand at all. The Doctor was with this girl named Rose Tyler on this sun. I could see tears in Y/N’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She sniffled. “He’s about to regenerate.”

“Do what?” I questioned.

She waved me off. “Just watch. You’re about to see the 11th Doctor.”

    I sat in silence as the episode ended and The Doctor left Rose.

“He’s coming back, right?” I questioned.

She shook her head. “Not as David Tennant. Matt Smith is the next Doctor. He’s awesome, too. Kinda reminds me of Castiel sometimes.”

I looked over at her. “Can I stay and watch?”

She smirked at me. “I’m turning you into a Whovian.”

“What?”

“Nothing, Dean.” She laughed. “You can stay. You have to see the 12th Doctor too.”

    We got comfortable and started the next season. Y/N leaned over and tucked herself under my arm. I could hear her quoting some of the lines as we watched The Doctor travel with the Ponds. A few hours later, I reached to start the next episode when I saw that Y/N was asleep. I closed her laptop and placed it on the desk. Gently moving her, I pulled the blanket up and pulled her close to my chest. Her breathing evened out and I knew she was in a deep sleep. I would do anything in my power to make her smile. Even if it’s bingeing a marathon of a madman in a blue box.

*****

Tags:

@impala-dreamer @feelmyroarrrr @mariekoukie6661 @latishiante1001 @ellen-reincarnated1967@i-cant-believe-its-not-satan @ellie-andthemachine  @spnbaby-67 @mersuperwholocked-lowlife @meeshw777 @rideandwritethings @sleepylunarwolf @moose-and-sqruille-lover @youre-acting-like-a-psycho @waywardasfudge @amotleyworld @fallenangelsneverfade @claitynroberts @wingedcatninja @carryonmywaywardwriters @dean-winchesters-bacon @death-unbecomes-you @arses21434 @lonely-skys @mannls @internationalmusicteacher @theloudkilljoy @closetspngirl

[twinklelightshorts]

Mean What You Mean (Colby Brock) - Part 2

Part 2:

"Hello, and welcome back! If you don't know me, I'm Josephine and this is my second video. I look different than usual because I haven't gotten ready for my day yet. I asked my followers and viewers to comment questions both here and on my Instagram, linked down below, and I'm going to answer them while I get ready. So, let's start! I'll just grab my concealer and foundation. Okay, first question: who is Tucker? Well, funny you should ask, because he's here." I waved him over and he reluctantly moved to my side of the camera. "Say hello."

"Hello, everyone."

"Tucker is my best friend and my next door neighbor. He was my first friend and my forever friend. He's kind of stuck with me, to be honest."

Tucker laughed. "I'm not stuck with you. You're my best friend."

"Aww. Thanks, buddy." I looked at the camera. "And no, we're not dating. We've never dated."

"Our friendship is not like that. We're literally like siblings." He added.

"True." I nodded. "Okay, next question. Where are you from? I am from Ontario in Canada but my parents moved to Minnesota when I was six weeks old. So, basically, I just say I'm from Minnesota. Moving onto using concealer, the next question is: who is your favorite YouTuber to watch? Personally, I like Gabbie Hanna, who is The Gabbie Show. I also like Emma Chamberlain and Hannah Meloche and Ellie Thumann. Together, Tucker and I watch everyone in The Vlog Squad with David Dobrik, including Liza Koshy and everyone in the Trap House group and TFIL. We are currently up to date with all of those and it's just something fun that we can do together. Next question: do you have any siblings? No, I do not. My parents decided I was good enough, I guess. I don't know."

Tucker laughed. "Yeah, that's definitely it."

I shoved him off the bed and laughed. "Get over there."

"Fine."

"Okay, so. Actually, my parents were going to have another baby after me but they decided to build their own business instead so to save money, it's just me. Next question while I put on eye shadow and eyeliner. When do you graduate and where are you planning to go to college and what will your major be? I will graduate in May from my high school here in Minnesota. I haven't decided where I want to go yet, but I want to eventually be a self-employed interior designer. I think that would be really cool. Speaking of that, a question I get a lot is about my filming location, whether it be my Instagram videos, Snapchat updates or now my YouTube videos. This wall behind me is actually in my bedroom. I'm sitting on my bed right now to film this. However, when I film little videos on my Instagram and Snapchat, I roll my bed away from the wall and stand in front of it. I know that's really extra but there isn't another space at my house to film in. Also, and I got permission to say this, I've kind of been lying because a lot of the "exiting my house" shots have been me exiting Tucker's house. His family, who are like my second family, are a little more accepting of what I do. Not saying my parents aren't but they have their limits."

I glanced at Tucker who smiled and sighed. "Can you stop the camera?"

His face fell as he clicked off the camera and then sat on the bed next to me again. "What's wrong?"

"It's weird talking about this stuff." I admitted.

"Then don't talk about it, Jo. You should talk about stuff you feel comfortable talking about." He rubbed my back gently. "Also, you have done great so far."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Let's keep going. I'm only half done with my make-up."

My best friend grinned and got off the bed. "Okay." I heard the camera click on.

"Okay, next! I'm going to put on the rest of my eyeliner and mascara. This next question says: what type of videos can we expect from you? Well, my friends, your guesses are as good as mine. I'd like to get suggestions from all of you each week to decide what to film. I have a few ideas based on my current plans for the next several months but I'd like to have one video every week. So, in the comments on my Instagram or YouTube, I want you to type, "Hey Josephine" and then your video idea or ideas. This channel won't be just for me, it's also for you. You all inspire me and I just want to reciprocate. While I put on my lip color, I'll answer one more question. Tucker? I think you found one to ask."

"Yes!" He said cheerfully from behind the question. "This person asks: how are you so pretty?"

I felt my face flush. "Tuck, that wasn't it."

He laughed. "I know. It's a valid question though. But the real question is: do you solely make money from the internet or do you have another job?"

"I have another job but I don't work very often. Just like on my Instagram, I don't discuss anything too personal over the internet." I capped the lip color. "Alright. Well, that's all for today. I’ll link what make-up I used down below in the description. Thank you for watching and I will see you all next time."

I reached forward and clicked off the camera. "How was that?"

"Good." Tucker took the camera off the tripod and plugged the SD card into my computer.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

"Of course, babes." He spoke softly.

I got up and stood beside him. "Tuck."

He sighed. "Are you sure you want to do this YouTube thing?"

"Yeah."

His brown eyes met mine. "I'm worried about you, that's all."

I bit my lip and sat down on his lap. "You're always worried about me."

Tucker chuckled, wrapping an arm around my waist. "You're absolutely right, I am. You're everything to me, babes. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"Thanks, Tuck. You know I love you for that."

"I do."

I ran my fingers through his thick hair. "How about we go out to eat?"

"You don't want to edit?" He asked.

I shrugged. "I'll edit after you go to work."

Tucker leaned his head against my chest. "I could use a nice bowl of spaghetti from Marchello's."

"Ah, how about that? My half-Italian best friend wants spaghetti." I giggled softly. "C'mon, you. I'll take a bowl too."

"Thank God."

[chocolatequeennk]

What “pressuring authors to write smut” looks like

Every time I mention the way authors are pressured to write smut, I see a few people who doubt that it actually happens. Almost invariably, they are authors who do write smut--and it has occurred to me that the issue is that the same comments hit them differently. Since I got a particularly vile example this week, I thought I’d break it down. 

(Also, I would like to point out this ask where I was rudely asked how I could write baby fic if I don’t write smut, because don’t I know where babies come from? Yes, non-smut writers are sneered at by some. It happens.)

Pressuring someone to write smut isn’t always constant prodding. It isn’t always, “Oh, come on... you know you’d be good at it. I think you’d like it if you gave it a try. Why won’t you write smut? Are you a prude?” Sometimes, pressuring an author is making them feel like they have to constantly explain and defend their boundaries. Sometimes, it’s making them feel like they’re weird and unusual for not writing smut. And sometimes, as was the case this week...

Last Tuesday, I got this review on Healing Hands:

It starts out so well... and then devolves. 

First, here’s something I don’t think many people think about. Commenting on the lack of explicit sex in a story implies that sex is expected. It’s like looking at your friend funny when you go out for drinks and they order coke instead of alcohol. That implies that drinking alcohol is the norm, and doing otherwise is... different, and worth commenting on. This is the most basic layer of pressure authors receive, and it happens... frequently.

Second, telling an author something is missing from their story is never a compliment. Imagine I invited you over for dinner and served you spaghetti. If you ate a few bites, then said, “Wow, this spaghetti is great! It’s so good it nearly made me cry. The only thing missing is diced tomatoes--man, if this had diced tomatoes in it, it would be incredible!” 

Obviously, that would be extraordinarily rude and I would be within my rights to be angry. So why am I expected to take that kind of comment about my stories without getting upset? Why is it acceptable to leave that kind of comment on my stories? The parallel really holds true. Because I don’t like diced tomatoes, so I made spaghetti the way I like it and offered it to you as a gift. I don’t like writing smut, so I wrote a fic the way I like it and offered it to you as a gift. 

Still, I always like to give people a chance, so when I replied, I first thanked them for their kind words on the story, then added a line that I don’t write explicit sex, so this story stands complete as is. (Which should have been obvious since it was marked complete two years ago, but whatever.)

Yesterday, they doubled down on their rudeness.

(Going under a cut now)

Note that again, this starts out very well. Well... sort of. “I’m sorry to hear you don’t write the thing I want you to write” is a rude, entitled thing to say, but it’s at least better than the rest of the message.

It’s not uncommon for me to get comments from new readers who don’t know I don’t write smut asking if there will be a sexy “next scene.” I reply with some variation of what I told this person--nope, because I don’t write smut--and they almost all back off immediately. 

Instead, this person actually made their first comment worse. Not only is sex missing from my stories, now she claims it’s hard to read my stories because they never give her what she wants. No amount of, “yeah, but your writing is great!” can soften that rudeness. Back to our dinner analogy, this is the equivalent of staring mournfully at the bowl of spaghetti sauce and telling me that as good as it is, it’s hard to keep eating it when it never satisfies your desire for diced tomatoes. If I hadn’t asked you to leave before, I definitely would now!

The take away at this point is once someone makes it clear they do not write smut, do not talk to them about writing smut. If you know someone doesn’t write smut, either because they’ve said so or because they have posted 100+ stories that never go above a T rating, don’t bring it up (again). 

Also, this is classic pressure. “Gahhh, you’re teasing me so much with all this sexy romance and then never following through!” Essentially, they accused me of being a cocktease. That is not okay, and this kind of fic comment needs to stop. If a chapter ends with a fade to black and the story is rated T, and there’s no comment in the footnotes about the rating going up the next chapter? Just assume smut is not in the plans and don’t ask for it.

And this is the reply I sent last night, except for some minor edits.

"I'm sorry, but this whole exchange has been very hurtful to me. I have several very personal reasons for not writing explicit sex scenes. (Which I do not care to share.) Being told that they are missing from my story, or that my stories are unsatisfying because I do not include something that I cannot write is extremely painful. 

Being asked to write explicit sex triggers anxiety attacks for me. If you really get that sex is not everyone's cup of tea, I would advise against making people feel like they aren't enough because they can't provide it."

Guys. Guuuuuys. 

I really thought they would come back with an apology. 

And here we have the last step of pressuring people to do what you want them to do: victim blaming and gas lighting. “What I said wasn’t pressuring you to write sex... I just wanted to know if you’ve ever thought about it... If you can’t see that as a compliment...” etc etc. 

I’m honestly dumbfounded that they actually can’t see that telling someone something is missing from their story and that said missing element makes it hard to read because it never gives you what you want is rude. That would be rude no matter what thing they thought the story was missing. That the thing is sex just makes it very personal. 

Not completely apropos of the writing smut topic, but still important--learning to take responsibility for how your words affect people, even if it was unintentional, is grade school stuff. To fly off the handle and accuse me of needing mental help because her words hurt me is just... I don’t even know what the word is.

Also, her claim that she was just saying she wanted more of my writing is totally bogus. Cries for more are comments like, “I could read 50 more chapters of this!” She didn’t want me to write more, she wanted me to write something else.

Because here’s the thing. I’ve been going on the missing ingredient analogy, but really, when I’m asked to write smut, what people are saying is, “Your spaghetti is good, but I’d rather have lasagna.” And yeah. I love lasagna too, but it’s not what I want to cook for you. If you only want to eat lasagna, then you should say no when someone offers you spaghetti, instead of eating the spaghetti and getting upset that it isn’t lasagna. 

Don’t guilt cooks for not making lasagna, and don’t guilt authors for not writing smut.

There is one instance, and one only, where it is okay to get to the end of a story or chapter and ask if there will be smut. If you know the author and know they do write explicit sex, commenting that, “I’d love to see what happens next,” is okay. I would advise, as mentioned above, that you don’t phrase it as an expectation--especially if the story is marked as complete. Just a quick line at the end of a comment that mentions what actually does happen in the story to say that if they’re inspired to write what comes next...

But if you don’t know an author’s personal views on writing sex? Leave it off. If you don’t know them, that means you don’t know if this could be a trigger for them. There are lots of really serious reasons people could be triggered by requests to write smut, and honestly, we need to do a better job of respecting that. 

I want to thank @lastbluetardis, @pellaaearien, @theybecameanimagi, and @rudennotgingr for being wonderful friends this week. Your upset on my behalf has meant so much, and I really appreciate it.

[fluffi]

so should i reply in tiny font or just regular font?

hybe should do better in spreading out the comebacks of the groups under them :/ they're already at a huge advantage, might as well use it strategically. AHA streaming mvs is so convenient for a multi. the filler vids i could use in between could be mvs from the other groups that i stan. also you know what, i still haven't watched a single final performance bc im waiting for a friend to watch with me :D

i have a chinese movie recommendation in case you want something to cry over. i still love its ost and it's been months since i watched it. i'm not sure if you watched it already but more than blue. i've never cried over a movie as much as i cried for that one. the angst *chef's kiss*. i'd do anything to wipe my memory of it and watch it again for the first time.

also sungchan is mc-ing in inkigayo every sunday! and honestly, what the hell is nct hollywood :D but a part of me thinks it's just going to be a bunch of asians living in america like johnny that'll be a part of it. just a hunch tho. imagine having all 4 units coming back in a year with like 1 unit per quarter of the year. i'm not sure if sm even has the money to do this, especially when they filed bankruptcy recently.

and i've seen a lot of twitter memes saying taro's ghosted stans T_T alexa play ghosting by txt T_T sm come on give him smth to do, you're wasting talent.

the mall didn't burn down entirely (like from the outside it looked fine). the ventilation system caught fire so it was more internal—ceilings and all that. covered things with soot(?) and ashes so the entire mall was closed for nearly 2 years. and hey, i've experienced a school fire too back when i was younger. i, too, thought it was nothing but a fire drill until i saw the charred remains of the buildings behind our school : D thankfully, no one died.

the new nct track is for a samsung commercial AHAHA it's funny because nearly everyone uses apple TT_TT and the mv screams neo culture tech tho (well as it should lmao). yes, i was talking about that part in hot sauce but yes, it grew on me too.

ateez really know how to do a performance. they put the standard so high for me when it came to performing. their facial expressions and overall stage presence just impresses me. it's been a while since i've seen idols draw me to them by those standards.

ah, the long stan list! good luck in getting through it and i hope you do have fun as you go :] (also you can check out aurora by ateez and whiplash by tbz. the songs popped up in my head as i was typing this reply, you might like them)

ohhhh, what was the pd48 scandal? i don't watch survival shows so i don't know any of the stuff going on. would you care to elaborate? about their disbandment :(( i hope you're okay now tho! are the other girls still debuting in new groups? anyone eyeing an acting career instead of being an idol?

YES, A PATTERN IN THE BIASES (if you count an analysis of two ppl as a pattern, that is.) because it's the same pattern i have for my biaswreckers :D jake & seungmin, not only do they have the same animal to represent them, they have the same 'golden retriever' type of personality that just makes you go all soft. ygwim ;n; i wish i could elaborate but both boys just devastate me in the same level and my friends pointed out that they were quite similar in some aspects.

jaemin used to send really long bbl messages :< like if there was anything he loved most it was nctzens and it was obv in his messages. speaking of dream, album repackage news today! idk what to feel bc my hot sauce albums haven't even arrived yet :D + i'm dead br0ke.

how do you even manage to read 30k TT__TT i cant handle long fics bc of my attention span :D also, yes, i found the user now, i'll check if i'll like their works soon. <33

YES YOU SHOULDVE BEEN THERE T_T what a day that was. i think seungmin is still sweet and active in bbl. not a single cent goes to waste with him. also i think i'll post the drabble some time this month.

and oml seungmin vs jake :o let's see how that goes O.O XDD

clickity-clackity AHAH do you have a mechanical keyboard? :c i wanted one too but i haven't got around to saving up for one. but yes indeed, typing asmr v relaxing \m/

sunny hyuck day, fullsun sunday, fullsunday T_T feels were very strong that day. i kept seeing edits on my twt tl and i would just s o b : D i've only stanned nct for a year but i've seen him grow so much i just wanted to crie i love him sm :') yk my mom didn't cook spaghetti for my birthday, but she cooked for hyuck's? : D

and i checked ur recs blog and indeed, full of nct T_T

also have i mentioned that your desktop thing amuses me so much HAHAH i got confused for a sec if i had twt opened or tumblr. plus, i've been wanting to mention that i noticed that our mobile themes are opposites. black and red, white and blue. it's cute XDD <3

help, people have been telling me that our asks are long but i highkey love it. i added a ‘keep reading’ for the mobile users though, sorry in advance hh.

honestly, both works. tiny font saves space but regular font does more justice for my poor eyes haha. its your call!

hybe comebacks :( yeah enhypen got lucky because they came back right before cb season so they got three wins (yay)! on the bright side, txt just got their first win and bts has six wins, so it all works out i guess. omg yes, the streaming thing is perfect. i stan like 20 groups so i have a never-ending cycle of filler mvs and its always so helpful. ooh for the final performances - you wont regret watching any of them! literally wild, kingdom's budget and talent are wild.

ooh, I don't watch any cdramas lmao. i want to but i can barely finish kdramas. if its a movie ill watch it! ive never heard of more than blue but ill check it out <3 where can i watch it?

yes yes i have just realized that sungchan is yujin's co-mc! i watched their special stage (which is literally adorable) and was today years old when i realized that the dude is sungchan pls. nct hollywood was so unexpected and i still have mixed feelings about it now. LMAO JUST ASIANS LIVING IN AMERICA...help. that would be interesting (?) but the concept reminds me of those horrendous awesomeness tv shows. lets hope sm pulls this off well and proves me wrong. lmao all 4 units coming back would probably happen, but i hope none of them get overworked :( i constantly feel like mork lee has four clones :'( also...sm filed bankcruptcy??? dang, what happened?

ugh omg yeah shotaros talent is seriously being wasted in the basement right now. as for fires, scary T-T i wasnt that fazed by them until the australia wildfires happened, and i learned about the consequences of fire and got really scared. its good that the entire mall didnt burn down though! although its weird that no one is opening it :( schools really need to tell us the difference between drills though, it might be dangerous for those rebellious kids.

yeah i just realized that the nct track is an endorsement which partly explains why i cant listen to it. the mv's visuals are stunning!! the set and people are so gorgeous aa i cant

oh yeah im not an atiny but i have acknowledged since 2020 that they have one of the best, if not the best stage presence and expressions on stage for 4th gen. i think their only worthy competitor would be stray kids actually. theyre truly one of a kind and all of them are cute especially that yeosang guy. i will definitely check out your song recommendations though!

oof the pd48 scandal is extremely complicated. to condense it in a few statements: all of the girls' rankings have been rigged since the very beginning and it was rumored that they already had their end group before the show even started. it was like this for pf48 and pdx101 (group x1) which was why x1 disbanded within a month of debuting, and izone were on hiatus for like 4 months. im not the best at explaining stuff like this haha, but i think you get it. you can check out yt or search up 'pd48 scandal', a ton of articles and videos. as for new groups, nothing has been made clear yet. theyve only made instagram handles for now and appeared on variety shows haha. as for acting career, hyewon was supposed to do acting but was forced to join pd48 so maybe she'll continue acting afterwards? nothing is confirmed yet!

lmao two similarities, its okay it counts. ah, true, i can see their similarities now that youve mentioned it, as well as how jeno is kind of like that. however, i am currently attached to jaemin so we'll see what happens from there hehe. i swerve easily.

jaemin on bubble grr, that would be a whole experience. from the bare minimum of vidoes ive seen for him wbk jaemin is so whipped for czennies. ah yes repackage! i saw the post on instagram and went to the comments to see everything screaming ‘iM bROke!’ and it was lowkey hilarious lmao. kpop is really trying to suck our money T-T.

ope the longest fic ive read is like...40k words i think? and it was by jeonginks. ill read anything eiko produces lmao, theres always so much substance in her work. ooh, tell me what you think of luvdsc’s stuff, i just finished binging their entire masterlist lmao.

seungmin vs jake yeah, i havent been catching up on skz enha content because im still obsessing over the dreamies but when that saga is over then im going to focus on my ults lmao (which might include dream soon, hehe).

yes yes i have a mechanical bluetooth keyboard that i use to connect to my computer! it literally sounds amazing lmao, its only 10am here but i feel like im going to doze off from the clickity clackitys already. i cant wait for you to get one! tell me when you do, we can match hehe.

hyuck is an aodrable brat please. hes like the best comedian of nct at this point, so hilarious and filled with variety i love him. he rose up my bias list pretty fast too. LMAO YOUR MOM IS SO COOL I LOVE HER ALREADY. if only my mom would cook for my ults’ borndays.

yes my rec blog is a mess right now, ill organize it soon haha.

omg thank you and yes my website theme is one-of-a-kind. even i get confused when i open it or edit it, and i constantly get comments about it. also i just realized our opposing theme colors and i love it! its adorable.

[hermanwatts]

Sensor Sweep: Wulfhere, Monster Manual, Heroism, Howard A. Jones

Heroism (Rogue Blades Entertainment): “The heroic books, even if printed in the character of our mother tongue, will always be in a language dead to degenerate times …” Henry David Thoreau wrote those words in the mid-19th Century for his distinguished book, Walden. They rang true then and they ring true today. Of course there will be those who say we do not live in degenerate times, that we live in the greatest of all ages, that our technological and social achievements are pressing us towards some utopia, but those who are true students of history and have open eyes might argue otherwise, or at least they might hold more than a little skepticism about the potential greatness of the immediate future.

Fantasy (Tor.com): Here’s a funny thing about “action reads:” a lot of people would equate that to mean a whole lot of running and chasing and swordplay. They wouldn’t be wrong, of course, but all the physical action in the world can’t liven up a bland tale, or make boring characters interesting, and there’s actually plenty of forward momentum and tension to be had in some fantasy adventure stories without the more obvious blood-letting. And then of course there’s lyrical prose. Me, I prefer to see my action with great characters and some lovely writing, and today I’m going to share a few favorites that deliver all those things.

Writers (Slate.com): Three years ago, over breakfast, my friend Helen handed me a novel about a quest that, unknown to both of us, would set me off on a quest of my own. The book was called The Dragon Waiting, and it was written by the late science fiction and fantasy author John M. Ford. Helen placed the mass-market paperback with its garish cover in my hands, her eyes aglow with evangelical fervor, telling me I would love it. I would soon learn that, owing to Ford’s obscurity, his fans do things like this all the time. Soon, I would become one of them.

Writers (The Nerd Daily): In this sequel to For the Killing of Kings, Howard Andrew Jones returns to the ring-sworn champions of the Altenerai in Upon the Flight of the Queen to continue this thrilling, imaginative and immersive epic fantasy trilogy.

We had the pleasure of chatting to author Howard Andrew Jones about his upcoming fantasy sequel Upon the Flight of the Queen, which publishes on November 19th from St. Martin’s Press. Howard talks about what readers can expect and the challenges he faced, the inspiration behind the trilogy, what’s next for him, and more!

Genre Fiction (Dark Worlds Quarterly): There are those Fantasy writers and critics that accuse Robert E. Howard’s Conan of lacking any depth because he just hacks his way out of trouble. In fact, I think it was Robert Bloch in his intro to Wolfshead (Bantam Books, 1979) who said it, qualifying his words with the fact that he preferred Howard’s subtler characters such as Kull or Bran Mak Morn. I would hate to disagree with such a wonderful writer as Bob Bloch but I think he kinda missed the point. We want to see Conan hack his way out. Just as people pay gobs of money to be ringside at a boxing match.

Subculture (Amatopia): But if you show up humble and willing to learn, and don’t lie about knowing stuff about the subculture, you’ll find you have a whole bunch of cool new friends eager to help ease you in. At the very least, the people in the subculture will respect you, even if they may resent your intrusion. In time, you learn to be a part of the crew.

Fantasy (Matthew J. Constantine): The first novel in the Prydain Chronicles, The Book of Three introduces us to Taran the assistant pig-keeper, Hen Wen the pig, Gurgi the…um…wildman?, and the rest, as well as the Welsh inspired land of Prydain.  The book drips with a sort of gauze filtered, dreamy Fantasy in a similar vein to Tolkien’s Shire, particularly from The Hobbit. Reading the book, I kept thinking it would have fit as a comic strip in the tradition of Prince Valiant.  It also has a lot that could translate well into an animated film or potentially a live action film these days.

D&D (Skulls in the Stars): Die, Vecna, Die! (2000), by Bruce R. Cordell and Steve Miller. This module has the curious distinction of being perhaps the last “old school” adventure ever published! Die, Vecna, Die! was one of two mind-bogglingly epic adventures released with universe-spanning ramifications, allowing DMs to have a reason for transitioning from 2nd edition AD&D to Wizards of the Coast 3rd edition D&D. The other is The Apocalypse Stone (2000).

Fiction (DMR Books): Next week DMR Books will make our first foray into historical adventure fiction with the first book publication of Wulfhere by A.B. Higginson! Wulfhere, Higginson’s only novel, was originally serialized in Adventure magazine in 1920. In the Dark Ages of England, kingdoms were ready to be carved out by any with the ambition and might to do so. The mightiest ruler of all was Penda, Lord of Mercia, a man as strong as he was ruthless. He had no equal in martial prowess, except for his son Wulfhere…

Tolkien (Alas Not Me): Crucial to the tale of Eärendil the Mariner is his ship, Vingelot or Vingelótë, without which Eärendil would have been stuck in a port on a western bay where lonely sailors pass the time away talking about their homes. The name Vingelot gives us a tantalizing and frustrating example of how very easily stories can be lost, likely forever.

Writers (Mystery File):  Over the course of his writing career, Clark Howard may have written over 200 short stories, not all of them criminous in nature, plus a couple dozen crime novels and collections. This does not include an unspecified number of works of true crime the editor of EQMM mentions in her introduction to this tale.   Howard hardly ever used a character more than once, and “Blues in the Kabul Night” is no exception. When mercenary for hire Morgan Tenny smuggles himself into war-ravaged Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan, it is for a specific reason. His twin brother is in a high security prison there and scheduled for execution soon, unless Morgan can do something about it.

RPG (Brain Leakage): As I mentioned a few weeks back, I’ve been at work on an Appendix N inspired science fantasy series, one that envisions what D&D fiction might have looked like if it followed the wilder literary roots of the game, rather than filling in the map of TSR and WotC’s pre-fab fantasy worlds.  And while I still plan on writing that, the fact is my recent thought experiments on what Fantasy Effing Vietnam would look like have gotten a bit more attention. To the point that I’ve gotten several messages in public and in private expressing interest in a published print version.

Calendars (Mens’s Pulp Mags): Now, with Eva’s permission, we’re offering a special collectible to go with the book: the Authorized 2020 Eva Lynd Calendar. It’s a limited edition calendar featuring photographs and artwork Eva modeled for, and it’s available exclusively from me on eBay. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you probably know why Eva Lynd is so familiar to fans of the men’s adventure magazines (MAMs) published in the 1950s and 1960s.

Fiction (Sacnoth’s Scriptorium): So, I’ve been trying for a long time to find an answer to the two questions:  Did the Inklings ever read Lovecraft? And Did Lovecraft ever read the Inklings? So far as the first question goes, the answer is: still not proven. We know that Warnie Lewis was a fan of ‘scientifiction and read some of the pulp magazines like AMAZING STORIES. And THE NOTION CLUB PAPERS suggests that the Inklings were fairly conversant in science fiction. Certainly there are some echoes of Lovecraftian themes in Tolkien’s account of the Things beneath Moria, Lewis’s description of the subterranean world far beneath the surface of Venus, and especially Wms’ Cthulhesque octopoid-lords of P’o-l’u.

RPG (Walker’s Retreat): With last weekend’s Big Brand marketing event masquerading as a fan convention came the announcement–with no release date–of the fourth installment of its iconic isometric dark fantasy action RPG franchise. You know which one I’m talking about, and it’s not the MMORPG. I thought I’d take the time to give you all some alternatives that you may have overlooked or forgotten about, beside Path of Exile and adaptation of other Big Brand properties.

Art (Pulp International): Above, numerous Italian posters for 1960s and 1970s westerns. Some of these movies were true spaghetti westerns (produced in Italy and shot in Europe, often Spain), while others are U.S. productions. All the imagery is beautiful. The artists responsible include Renato Casaro, Rodolfo Gasparri, Averardo Ciriello, Aller, aka Carlo Alessandrini, et al.

Review (Hillbilly Highways): I bought Congregations of the Dead over a year ago on a bit of a lark because it was cheap.  Which isn’t to sale that it didn’t sound right up my alley.  A country noir/urban fantasy/horror mashup with significant pulp influences?  (A secondary character is named Carter DeCamp in an obvious homage to Lin Carter and L. Sprague de Camp and Manly Wade Wellman’s characters Silver John and John Thunstone seem obvious influences as well.)  What I didn’t realize is how damn good it would be.

D&D (The Other Side): For today’s Monstrous Monday I want to do another review. For this one, it still follows my ‘Back to Basic’ theme I have been doing all year even though it is not a Basic-era D&D book.  It is though one of my Basic era books.  The book is the Monster Manual and it was just about 40 years ago that I first held this book in my hand. This is the book. This is the book that got me into D&D and RPGs.

Warhammer (Warpscream): This book opens with a look at the bleak life of the average imperial citizen. Urinating in water recyclers on the arid world of Baal. It’s one of Guy Haley’s strengths is that he can paint such a despondent picture so rapidly to open with. The story briskly moves along as we are made aware of a dire threat to the world of the Blood Angels.

Writing (Frontier Partisans): I guess it triggered a memory of Robert E. Howard’s description of his own trip to the Carlsbad Caverns in the early 1930s. Howard is best known for his creation of the fantasy character Conan of Cimmeria — and he translated his experience in New Mexico directly into a Conan story. . . The power of the works of J.R.R. Tolkien derives in great part from his ability to evoke a landscape that is at once fantastical and real. Tolkien was profoundly affected by landscape — beloved and comfortable; awe-inspiring; terrifying and appalling.

Sensor Sweep: Wulfhere, Monster Manual, Heroism, Howard A. Jones published first on https://sixchexus.weebly.com/

[gossipnetwork-blog]

'The Bachelor Winter Games' Season 1, Episode 1 Recap: Let the Games Begin

New Post has been published on http://gossip.network/the-bachelor-winter-games-season-1-episode-1-recap-let-the-games-begin/

'The Bachelor Winter Games' Season 1, Episode 1 Recap: Let the Games Begin

This week I was presented with a tough decision: Should I keep up with the 2018 Winter Olympics or spend my time watching the 2018 Bachelor Winter Games? And no, it can’t be both—I need some semblance of a life, people. While the Olympics provides sexy skate tangos, Adam Rippon butt theories, and Chloe Kim’s hangry tweets—all delightful, to be sure—Bachelor Winter Games promises “The Canadian Ben Higgins” and Ashley Iaconetti’s mascara-stained tears. Guess which one I went with. Spoilers ahead, obviously.

The show’s intro tells us this will be “a global celebration of unity and love” but something tells me “a Vermont-based gathering of drama and lust” would be more accurate. I didn’t know what to expect going into this, but the teaser of what’s to come is certainly intriguing: There’s shots of Ashley weeping, of course, but also Luke Pell in low-cut spandex and some guy named Kevin who is being called “The Canadian Ben Higgins” even though the real Ben Higgins is also there. Will there be a fight to see who can stay? There can only be one!

If it comes to that, Canadian Ben Higgins might win because Real Ben Higgins seems very sad. He’s drinking cups of hot chocolate and wandering around alone in the snow. After his breakup with Lauren, his heart has frozen over because metaphors.

Bibiana (from Arie’s season) is also here, and she’s skating around in a one-piece with a cozy sweater and living her best life.

“I wasn’t crazy all the time. I just had one moment.” – Bibiana

Dean (from Rachel’s season and Bachelor in Paradise) gets an intro that feels very “boy band member audition tape.” We’re reminded that he was shady on BiP, but he promises he’s really a “good guy” who just made “questionable decisions.” That’s what they ALL say, Dean. He frets over whether he should make ramen or spaghetti, but eventually chooses spaghetti with great gravitas—signaling that he’s ready to make mature decisions now, I guess. Or maybe he just prefers spaghetti, who knows.

Now we catch up with Clare. You’ll remember her from that one time she told Juan Pablo off (“I would never want my children having a father like you!”) and the many many times she cried during Bachelor in Paradise. After those bad experiences, she swore she was retiring from the show…only to magically discover the Winter Games Loophole. Apparently, this is an alternate dimension where the choices you make after one too many margaritas don’t count.

Next up is Josiah, the lawyer from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. He swears he won’t be a jerk this time, foreshadowing an edit of all the times he behaves like a jerk this time.

Lesley from Sean Lowe’s Bachelor season is here too, but I have to admit: I watched that rotation and don’t remember her. Maybe one of the many Laurens took her spot in my memory bank? In her intro, Lesley reveals she tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, so she got a double mastectomy eight months ago. She hasn’t been with anybody since, but her new boobs “look great” and she’s ready for love. I genuinely hope she finds it!

“Heyyyyyy, I’m Ashley I.,” I hear, both from the TV and in my nightmares. “I have a big reputation for being dramatic”—an understatement—”[Also] being heartbroken. Crying. I’m going to be the opposite,” she promises. I’ve always appreciated Ashley’s self-awareness, so her claims that she’s ready to change rub me the wrong way. Just embrace yourself! You are a person who FEELS EVERYTHING SO MUCH. It’s who you are. Anyway, a psychic told Ashley she’s going to meet her husband on an international journey and this McMansion in Vermont filled with Canadians still applies. We then get a hilarious montage of Ashley trying to ski in the dirt of Los Angeles, and I’m reminded how funny this show can be. (Just don’t tell Chris Harrison or we’ll get 1,000 more scenes like that until the joke is dug into the ground.)

“Later: Winter tears are coming.” – OK, that’s pretty good.

Now that we’ve been re-introduced to some of the U.S. contestants, Chris Harrison reveals he has a co-announcer named, I am not joking, Hannah Storm. Is she a plucky Disney Channel character? Oh, she’s an actual legit sports television journalist and, as Harrison says, “legend?” My apologies! I don’t watch sports—unless it involves desperate Bachelor contestants of course—so this explains (but does not excuse) why I thought she was a fake. They also got reporter Ashley Brewer for this and I gotta say, I wouldn’t mind adding these women to the regular Bachelor franchise. Imagine a reporter live on the scene during a group date hot tub outing. So good, right?

Back to Winter Games: There’s a parade, and they’ve carted in tens of extras, a bored-looking marching band, a moose mascot, and an old-timey fire engine that says “Dial 9-1-1” on the side, probably because if you have a fire emergency you should call 9-1-1 and not rely on this clunker. It’s quite the scene.

“Luke, obviously some people thought he was going to be The Bachelor and it didn���t work out,” – Chris Harrison is secretly shady.

Now it’s time to introduce the international teams. This shouldn’t be problematic at all….oh look, there’s Japan being represented by a man in a Ninja costume. We’re introduced to Yuki, who was in the top five of Bachelor Japan. She watched the American Bachelor on YouTube, so these are the English words she knows: “Thank you,” “OK,” “Hello,” Goodbye,” “I love you,” and “Will you marry me?” Honestly, with some of these dudes that’s enough to communicate.

Moving on: Here comes two Canadian guys, represented by that moose mascot. Kevin, a.k.a. Canadian Ben Higgins, got engaged six months ago on The Bachelor Canada. We don’t get to know the other guy, but Google tells me his name is Benoit. Ooh la la, French Canadian?

Zoe from China is led by a group of white people in a Chinese dragon costume, so there’s that. We learn that on Bachelor China there was only ONE kiss the entire season. Can you imagine what life would be like if Arie spared us from his kissing bandit shenanigans? What luxury.

Laura from Bachelor United Kingdom is here, and Chris Harrison describes her as “very quirky” because she flipped the Bachelor off when she was eliminated. Love that. She’s already my favorite. “I don’t know why more people don’t do that,” Chris wonders. Yeah! Why don’t they?!

From Australia, we meet Tiffany and Courtney. Tiffany is the one who made a love connection with one of the other female contestants during her season and again I ask: Why hasn’t this happened before? Courtney, meanwhile, was on The Bachelorette and made it all the way to the final four before being sent home…to…the…outback? Sorry, had to.

Now we meet team Sweden, which is led by, what else, a viking in a bad Anne of Green Gables wig. Rebecca and Nastassia (Stassi) are blonde and beautiful, and the guys basically do that cartoon BOING-ING-ING-ING when they see them.

When we return from the commercial break, Chris Harrison informs us it’s no longer Bachelor Nation, it’s Bachelor World. So progressive.

Team Finland is represented by a reindeer, elves, and Santa because sure. Jenny says she wants a “Ryan Reynolds lookalike.” Don’t we all, Jenny, don’t we all.

Next up, New Zealand: Lily is here to “stir things up” because she “curses a lot.” Ally has a sloth tattooed on her behind, which is awesome.

Germany and Switzerland are represented by Christian, who was on both shows. Wait, so you can just change countries now?

Now that everyone’s arrived, Fionnuala Cree (what a name) sings the “Bachelor Winter Anthem.” “We want to see this through” is the main lyric, which just feels very anti-climatic. Like, that’s all you aspire to? Not even one rose pun? And, of course, Trista and Ryan are here. I’m pretty sure they have a Bachelor bat signal that alerts them whenever Chris Harrison whispers “rose ceremony.” “No other couple really embodies what this is all about,” Harrison says. I suppose that’s true considering they’re one of like three successful couples from this franchise. Christian, however, doesn’t know who they are, which is a fun little moment the editors kept in.

Somebody named Ruthie Collins performs, and then it’s time for everyone to head to their new digs. After picking their beds, they gather to have a drink and eye the competition. Benoit gives a toast in French, and all the women do that cartoon BOING-ING-ING thing. Then Chris Harrison sneaks in to explain the rules: The men will compete against the men, the women will compete against the women. Whoever wins each challenge gets a date card to take whoever they want out. There will be rose ceremonies, and some people will be leaving. At the end, they’ll crown two champions to be the first couple of Bachelor World.

Once Harrison leaves, everyone starts sizing each other up and pairing off. Lesley is into Dean. Bibiana is into Kevin. But of course Ashley is also into Kevin. Ally and Josiah start flirting and almost instantly start kissing. She describes it as “a real cheeky little snog,” which is one way you could describe that. The German guy just watches them from the other room. Not creepy at all…

The next day it’s time for the first game. The challenge: cross-country skiing, shooting at rose targets, and racing over a finish line. Ashley’s concerned that Kevin is spending more time with Bibiana because her skin is so dehydrated from the cold. My heart shivers.

PHOTO: Lorenzo Bevilaqua

Josiah’s hoping to score a date with Ally, but she falls on her “ass bone” right away, eliminating her from the competition. At least it gives Josiah a chance to swoop in with hugs and a kiss to cheer her up.

The guys are up first, and Benoit does a little trash talking. That seems fair—he is Canadian, so I assume he’s more skilled at winter sports what with all that Canadian snow available to him. Compare that to Josiah, who admits this is only the second time he’s seen it. Re: the competition, not that much happens so just know that Ben, Luke, and Benoit are moving on to the finals. In the second qualifier, Dean won.

As for the women, Stassi wins the first qualifier and Rebecca wins the second. Yuki thinks she won, though, and I vote they just give it to her. In the women’s finals, it’s Lily, Jenny, Rebecca, Lesley, and Bibiana all up for the date card. A screen of Bibi’s stats come up to tell us she’s “Livin La Vida Loca.” They describe Lesley as “Blonde Ambition.” We don’t see Rebecca’s stats but she wins by a landslide.

On to the men’s final: It’s Kevin, Luke, Christian, Benoit, Ben, and Dean. Dean’s stat says, simply, “undecided.” Poetic? Better than Kevin’s, which informs us he’s “Seen Nickleback 27 times.” And this is the man we’re all fighting over? Despite his taste in music, he wins the date card and almost immediately Ashley’s eyes light up. She’s fully aware that he has a connection with Bibi, but she’s not giving up just yet. Ashely, do you know he’s seen Nickelback 27 times? That might ease the pain when he inevitably chooses Bibi for the date.

Back at the manse, Bibi gushes about how hot Kevin is. I mean, if you’re trapped on a mountain with no other options, sure. Apparently earlier that morning she creeped on him when he was walking through the house without a shirt on. “I never have felt that in my life,” she says. What, a lady boner?

During his conversation with Bibiana, Kevin reveals he used to be a ski instructor. HOLD UP. This game is rigged! How does anyone else stand a chance at a competition based on winter sports against a ski instructor? Also, why is the Nickelback fact in his stats instead of this hyper-relevant information?

Finally, we are treated to a scene in which Ashley and Kevin finally have a face-to-face human interaction. We learn they had a great talk the night before, so, OK, I will give Ashley more credit that this isn’t entirely in her head. She flirts by telling him he looks like Tom Brady meets James Marsden. “I’m not very good at throwing a football,” he replies.

“If you know me, I zone in on one person.” – Ashley. Oh, we know you.

Ultimately, Kevin asks Bibiana out. They barely have time to celebrate their love before we cut to Ashley crying in a confessional. She recognizes this “pattern” of being friend-zoned, and I implore her to find a way to break out of that. Maybe don’t go on this show anymore? Just a suggestion. She bravely hides her tears from Kevin and Bibiana, who are happily leaving in their best date sweaters.

Meanwhile, apparently Rebecca invited Luke out. Their date involves sitting cozy by a fire, then sitting freezing under blankets while they watch fireworks. They make out. Bibi and Kevin also make out on their date.

Meanwhile at the house, Lesley and Dean talk about boobs and Benoit cooks dinner. Clare looks at him, not the food, like a tasty snack. Same! “Oregano, garlic powder,” he purrs. She’s overly impressed that he’s able to remove a yolk from an egg. But then! We see him in a scene with his glasses on and hellooooooo. Why are we all sweating over Kevin? There is a hot ass French Canadian wearing glasses and cooking eggs. Ashley, use your eyes!

“Ah-ha-ha-ha!” – Clare, fake giggling and touching her hair while Benoit cooks.

Benoit’s into Clare, too, but then she makes a joke that she’s not drinking because she’s pregnant and uses this as an excuse to lift her shirt up a little bit. Oh no. Is this how people look when they’re flirting? My God. It works, though, because suddenly they’re making out in the kitchen while people scream in the background. They move to the fireside to talk about the kiss, which seems strange at first until I remember that producers are likely involved. Clare tells Benoit to wear his glasses more often, and I appreciate her looking out for us with this suggestion. He’s what I’d like to call poutine, a Canadian-but-French-sounding snack.

PHOTO: Lorenzo Bevilaqua

He pulls her closer, and I find myself saying, “Oooh!” like a mom watching Fifty Shades Freed. They kiss again. I’m jealous and so is Christian, who watches them, creepily, from the other room. He’s worried about his status because Lesley and Dean are making out, Ally and Josiah are making out, and Courtney and Lily are making out. Who will make out with Christian?

“I’m really, uh, sad for this one.” – Christian

The next day, everyone’s putting on their best duds for the rose ceremony and wondering who will pick them. Yuki straight-up asks Dean to give her a rose, and it’s very charming. Do it Dean!

But then Chris Harrison stalks in to drop some news: Tonight three women and two men will be voted off, Survivor style. Luckily, they have a cocktail party that’ll give them one last chance to plead their case to the others. Everyone panics. Josiah seems to be in danger—for some reason, even though he’s super into Ally, people are questioning his intentions. Ashley’s nervous because she hasn’t talked to other guys much because she’s been so laser focus on Kevin. Clare confronts Christian because she heard he was going to vote her off—but, no, he actually thinks she’s the most beautiful woman here. You instantly see the light switch go off for her, and she moves straight into flirt mode. And so a love triangle is born.

Once everyone’s voted, the rose ceremony begins. I appreciate Chris Harrison asking Rebecca and Kevin to hand out the roses rather than doing it awkwardly himself. At one point, they give a rose to some man named Michael. Who is Michael? Where has he been all episode? Did he just crawl out from under a faux fur blanket? He’s here to stay, I guess, because the final roses are handed out and Jamey, Eric, Zoe, Lauren, and Laura say their goodbyes.

See you Thursday for more drama!

Source link