#when was the last time i could go to bed without worrying abt the things i should do the next day

[pl4n]

clouds

[zombiec]

Jealousy | Gojo Satoru

(Readers gender is not specified)

(Modern au)(reader is very flirty)

Synopsis ☆: Reader goes to smoke with gojo and he gets jealous

Warnings: Oral, toy usage, marijuana usage, a little reader x choso, errr idk anything else

a/n: this was originally supposed to be for my friend but I’m gonna post it >.< Also it was suppose to be a 3 some but I forgot abt the other two.

You were lying in your bed on your side scrolling through instagram reels. Bored out of your mind, until you got a call from the one and only gojo. “Haiiiii” you sighed “what do you want gojo” you could hear his pout through the phone “I just wanna talk to you” he said whining. It irked you how sexy you thought his voice was. Something about a man with a whiney voice just did something to you. “Again what do you want gojo” he giggled “do you want to come over” you raised an eyebrow, because most of the time gojo invited you over it was to engage in sexual activities . “Why?” Your voice had a little teasing to it. Gojo whined “becauseeeee I miss you…and because I got weed>.<“ “I’m omw!” You said and immediately hung up.

You sprung up out of your bed and pulled on a pair of black basketball shorts, a purple hoodie, and some purple fuzzy socks. You slipped on your black crocs with cute little charms on them, and looked in the mirror before deciding that you looked good. Grabbing your phone and your car keys you left the house.

You hopped into your black jeep liberty 2007, which you cherished. While driving to Gojos house you realized how excited you were. You haven’t smoked in a while, but the thing is you’ve never smoked with gojo and you know when you smoke you get a bit horny. You’re a little worried because last time you and gojo have done anything you realized he was getting too attached so you told him you two should just stay as friends. You hoped nothing would happen.

When you arrived at his house you parked in front and walked up to his door. You rung the doorbell then put your hands in your pockets and waited, standing kinda awkwardly. When the door opened you were surprised to see Getou. “What’re you doing here” you rolled your eyes and brushed past him “I was invited goofy””oh” is all he said and closed the door walking behind you. When you walked in the smell of weed immediately hit you. ‘How could they start without me’ you thought. You walked further into the house and see a circle formed which included Gojo, Choso, and Shoko. You immediately went to your favorite “SHOKO!!!!” She shrieked when your tall frame basically tackled her. You love Shoko she’s so cute and funny, ontop of that her voice is so sexy. You laid ontop of Shoko and kissed her cheeks, she giggled and pushed you off. “I didn’t know you were gonna be here I thought it’d be just me and gojo” “I’m actually leaving right now I have to go, I have assignments to catch up on” you pouted a little “awe what you’re gonna leave me here with these animals” “yep..goodluck!” she said and kissed you on your forehead walking out.

You looked to your side and made contact with brown (?) eyes. You smirked a little cause you know choso has a little crush on you. He’s always looking at your lips when you’re talking to him and always blushing around you. he’s so obvious it’s cute. You moved towards choso leaving a little space between you two “hey choso” you said a little teasingly. He blushed a little and greeted you back. You looked across the circle and noticed gojo frowning a little. You mentally rolled your eyes ‘he can’t handle my attention on anyone but him.’ “Hi gojo” “oh now you see me” he said with an attitude. you rolled your eyes “what’s wrong with you” “he’s mad your attention isn’t on him and only him” Getou butted in. “No I’m not! I don’t even care” you grinned at Gojos hostile behavior.

As the blunt was getting passed around for the 3rd time you found your arm around choso’s shoulders while his legs were thrown over your lap. You can’t even lie he’s looking so good right now . He’s wearing a black shirt with a v neck that he rolled up because it was ‘too hot’ so you can see his abs and gawd you were bout to act like an animal. He had on grey shorts with neon orange socks on, his sexy,shaved, long legs on display. And Ofcourse He has his typical pony tails in that you just wanted to pull on while you thrust into him from the back.

Gojo went into the kitchen a little while ago to do idk what,but you choso and Getou were still smoking. When the blunt made it back to you, you had an idea. You took a hit of the blunt, grabbed chosos jaw, pressed on his jaw hard enough so that he opened his mouth and blew the smoke in his mouth. He immediately got what you were doing and inhaled the smoke you were blowing in his mouth. The look he gave you was about to drive you mad. His eyes were hooded and he looked dazed I almost leaned in to kiss him but then “pass the fucking blunt already” Getou said getting antsy. I gave the blunt to choso and went over to Getou “Awee is the poor baby mad he’s getting no attention” you said pinching his cheeks “fuck off” he said slapping your hands away. You blew him a kiss then walked into the kitchen where gojo was.

Gojo was in the kitchen on his phone bent over the counter facing away from me. I might just be horny but he looked really good. I walked up behind him and pressed my hips into his ass while grabbing onto his waist. He jumped a little but relaxed when he realized it was me. Gojo turned his body around to look at you “so now you wanna talk to me” he said with a little frown on his face “I always wanna talk to you baby don’t be so fussy” you say and brush some of his hair out his face “all you do is ignore me when other people are around” he said and wrapped his arms around your neck since you’re a little taller than him. You wrapped your arms around his waist and he smiled a little bit. The both of you just stare at each other for a while before gojo speaks up “make it up to me” you grin and tilt his head up a bit “is that how you ask gojo?” He looks at you with pleading eyes. You just look at him waiting. He huffed “please make it up to me”

You push gojo up onto the counter and connect your lips with his. The kiss is rough and is filled with pure lust. You grabbed gojo by his thighs and he wrapped his legs around your waist. Gojo pushes the back of your neck towards him so that you could be closer as if you two aren’t already close enough. He moaned into the kiss when you bit lightly onto his bottom lip pulling away while gojo tried to chase after your lips. “Please” he begs “I really need you.” You were about to say something but the sound of someone clearing their throat behind you guys made you halt your movements. You looked behind you to see Getou AND choso both standing there.

“Whoops” you said and immediately let go of gojo. You heard gojo huff from behind you. You knew he was mad you two got interrupted. You kind of were too from being cockblocked for the second time... It’s always Getou too. He’s always ruining the moment, you starting to think he wants some too.

“So….” Getou awkwardly started. Everyone was still standing in the kitchen, me and gojo on one side choso and Getou on the other. “What kind of porn do you guys watch”……the fuck? “I like step mom step son porn” you looked at gojo with a weird expression and scooted away a bit. Getou smirked a smile and high fived gojo “me too” they laughed together. You just gave them a grossed out look. Then choso spoke up “I like twitter porn, the ‘vanilla’ stuff so they say” “aweee” you cooed. Choso blushed. “What about you” everyone turned to you… you took a deep breath “No” “oh come on” gojo whined at you. “No” you said yet again but this time you walked upstairs towards Gojos room. You heard gojo yell something but you didn’t hear nor care what he had to say.

While you were in Gojos room you were just snooping around. His room was actually very clean, you’d think he’d be messy but no. All of his figures and accessories sit ontop of a black dresser. You go towards his dresser snooping through the drawers. Underwear. Shirts. Pants. Socks. ‘Boringggg’ you thought. You checked the final drawer and all you saw was black cloth. Being curious as you are you picked up the cloth only to realize it’s not a cloth it’s a black satin bag, which was sort of heavy. You know it’s wrong to go through peoples stuff but…who cares. You opened the bag only to be utterly shocked by what you see. A 9 inch silicone dragon dildo is in the bag. Your jaw is literally on the floor. How in the world can gojo take this. Has he ever used it? The girth on the dildo is insane and you wonder if the ridges in the dildo would feel good or cause a little pain.

“What’re you doing” your soul left your body. It was fucking gojo who creeped up behind you. Grasping your chest you lightly smacked gojo upside the head “the fuck is wrong with you, don’t sneak up on me like that” “you’re the one in my room looking through my things” gojo replied rubbing where you hit him. “Oh yeah…found your dildo” gojo let out a breathy laugh “damn that’s crazy…” you and gojo locked eyes for what felt like hours (it was a few seconds). You huffed and threw the bag with the dildo on Gojos bed. “come here” gojo immediately wrapped his arms your neck brought you down a little. You could tell by the way he kissed you gojo was desperate. He kissed you like it was the last time you’d see each other.

You kissed down to Gojos pale unmarked neck, leaving light bites on it. Gojo let out a girlish Moan and brought his hands up to your hair tugging a little which pulled a low groan out of you. Gojo couldn’t take it anymore. “fuckkk~ please~ I-I need you so bad” you picked up gojo by the back of his thighs causing him to wrap his legs around your waist. You pushed him up against the wall and looked gojo in his eyes he was so pretty. His dazed beautiful blue eyes staring back into yours, his pink puffy lips that had a little slob on them, and the marks on his neck that you created looked so alluring on his pretty pale skin. just made you want to fuck his brains out.

“What do you want gojo” god the way you said his name drove him crazy. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way you were looking at choso when you guys were down stairs. It’s not fair. You’re supposed to be his and only his. He wants you to fuck him and make him moan so loud so choso and Getou can hear how good you make him feel.

Gojo bites his lip and tightens his legs around your waist. “I want you in me.” You smirked “do you really deserve that? You were giving me a lot of attitude downstairs” you fake pout. “No no please I’m sorry I won’t give you attitude anymore..just- please..do something” he sounded so desperate, but you got an idea.

“How bout you fuck yourself on that dildo and if you can make yourself cum without me touching you I’ll fuck you dumb.” Gojo didn’t hesitate after that. He was quick to let you go and scramble to get the satin black bag holding the 9 inch dildo. Gojo took the dildo out the bag and was quick to place it on the floor. He pulled down his shorts and stepped out of them. “No lube?” You asked sitting infront of him on the bed. Spreading your legs open so your buldge on display. Gojo blushed “I- I already prepped myself” you giggled “oh? Were you expecting something to happen?” Gojo didn’t answer you and sunk onto the dildo. ‘fuckkkk” you thought, he let out the loudest high pitched Moan you’ve ever heard from him. As gojo sunk lower onto the dildo he was looking you directly in the eyes. Biting his lip with a slight blush on his face. He was so pretty.

He stayed still for a while getting used to the girth of the dildo. Then he started moving up and down on it. You swear you could’ve came in your pants just at the sight. The Gojo Saturou sitting infront of you riding the biggest dildo you’ve ever seen. He was such a Slut. Suddenly you felt hands on your thighs and you made eye contact with him. You knew exactly what he wanted. “Go ahead” you said . Gojo didn’t hesitate to pull the waistband of your shorts down and pulled out your cock that he loved shoving down this throat.

You loved when gojo sucked you off. The way his lips wrapped around your tip, and the eye contact he made pushing his head all the way down your length drove you crazy. Still bouncing on the dildo gojo pressed his fat tongue on the tip of your dick licking up the pre-cum. He couldn’t wait anymore. He wanted you all the way down his throat.

Gojo wrapped his lips around your length and started going further down making you let out a breathy moan. “Yea baby just like that” you threw your head back and gripped the sheets beneath you. Gojo was getting close from the sight infront of him. He did that. He made you lose your control. Bouncing faster on the dildo gojo started bobbing his head up and down on your cock. You couldn’t take it anymore, you grabbed gojo by the back of his head and started bobbing his head faster. Gojo whined. You could tell he was close by the noises he was making. “You gonna cum baby?” Gojo whined yet again and you pulled him off your dick right before you were about to cum. He made a confused sound before you kissed him, aggressively pushing your tongue in his mouth. Gojo moaned incredibly loud into the kiss and you saw ropes of cum come out of him. ‘Damn’ you thought surprised at how much came out. Gojo came to a stop on the dildo and was taking deep breaths. You smirked “Good job, you ready for your reward?”

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Easy peasy lemon squeezy

Please request stuff guys I’m dying over here >.<

[moviecritc]

second best ⋆ max verstappen

pairing: max verstappen x teammate!reader

summary: max realizes that your situationship isn't going anywhere, so he decides to start a pr relationship for his own public image

word count: 1K

warnings: angst, hurt without comfort

a/n: this turned out amazing actually, i'm very proud of it <3 yk i loveee to write abt this blond dutch

masterlist | wattpad | letterboxd

“I think it's better if we stop seeing each other.”

Y/N frowned slightly. She was under Max's arm, lying on the bed in the hotel in Imola.

“We’re on the same team, Maxie. We see each other all the time,” she said, completely oblivious to what Max was saying. She even smiled a little.

“I mean this,” Max sat up, forcing her to do the same. He swallowed a bit. “I think we should stop sleeping together.”

Y/N pressed her lips together and wiped the trace of sweat from her forehead. “Oh,” was all she could articulate as she chewed over that sentence. “Why?”

“For our careers,” he said immediately, as if he had it premeditated. “There are already a lot of rumors, if this got out…”

“What?” That didn’t make any sense. “We've been sleeping together for over a year, and now all of a sudden you're worried about rumors. Don’t bullshit me, Max. What the hell is wrong with you?” Y/N felt around the edge of the bed, searching for her underwear.

“I'm telling you, this is affecting our careers.”

Y/N clicked her tongue and stood up, finishing getting dressed. “Bullshit, Max. When you want to tell me what's really going on, let me know.”

Y/N left the room, slamming the door. Max leaned back, knowing that Y/N was right. It wasn’t about their careers, but about the pressure. His father and the rest of the team were pressuring him to have a relationship with a model, and YN was an obstacle in that equation.

Max never explained anything to her. They stopped seeing each other outside of work environments and even while working, they avoided each other as much as possible. Y/N refused to feel hurt. It wasn’t a breakup because there was nothing to break. In the end, they were just two teammates with too much sexual tension to satisfy. Even if that tension lasted a year and a half, three vacations together, a Christmas dinner, and countless private dates.

Y/N was determined to move on, focusing on her job, fighting for the title, and maybe—just maybe—accepting that date with Carlos at the end of the season.

But Max had other ideas, because two weeks after the breakup, the pages were on fire because finally, someone had conquered the cold heart of Max Verstappen. He and a woman nine years older had been seen dining and kissing in Monaco.

She was surprised, that was the last thing she expected from Max. Nine years older than him. Y/N couldn't help but dig a little, stalking her profile and seeing how pretty she was. That really hurt, had it meant so little to him?

Y/N flew to Monaco alone when she used to go in Max's private jet. From then on, she realized how much Max was in her routine. Arriving at her apartment, she found it cold with the plants dried up; she hardly had any clothes there. She knew she’d have to write to Max to get her things back, but she delayed it as long as possible—which wasn’t long. Y/N wrote to her friends to see if they wanted to go out, but no one responded; she hadn't written to them in over four months.

She spent that night alone at home, looking at her phone every now and then without expecting any messages. She found herself drinking and then went out for a walk, desperate to feel something. The next morning, photos of her were out, looking horrible with traces of mascara under her eyes. She also woke up to a simple message from Max:

Can we meet?

They agreed to meet at her apartment, Y/N knew the way almost with her eyes closed.

“Good morning,” said Max. He looked as usual, shorts and a t-shirt, a bit of gel in his hair, and clean-shaven.

“Hello,” Y/N said, clearing her throat. She stood still at the door until Max motioned for her to come in.

“Come in, please,” he said calmly. She nodded and entered, looking for traces of that woman, though the apartment still smelled of her perfume.

“Is she not here?” she asked, turning on her heels to look at him.

“No. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Y/N raised an eyebrow. “You want to talk to me about your girlfriend?”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

She let out a laugh, the same thing she had told her friends at a dinner while he had a hand almost reaching her inner thigh.

“You never have girlfriends, do you?”

“Y/N, it’s not what you think.”

She crossed her arms. “You know what I think? I think you’re a hypocrite. A damn hypocrite who, because I didn’t suit him, found someone easier.”

Max approached Y/N. “It’s PR, they forced me.”

“They forced you?” she let out a painful laugh. “Did they force you before or after ending things with us?”

Max stayed silent. They had pressured him, but the final decision had been his. He couldn’t find a way to explain himself. That silence meant everything to Y/N.

“You're pathetic. Totally pathetic.”

“Y/N, I’m sor-” he took half a step towards her but backed off immediately.

“Bullshit,” Y/N exploded. “Do you think apologizing is enough? You treated me like a fucking toy, damn it.”

“I didn't… I never wanted to hurt you,” Max choked on his words.

“But neither did you want to treat me well.”

Max stayed silent, feeling like the stupidest man on earth. He wanted to shout that she was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time while kissing her until he ran out of breath. But he said nothing. Y/N looked away with a long sigh.

“I’m going to collect my clothes,” she said, clearly disappointed in her voice. She hoped that Max would follow her, not let her pack her things and beg her to stay. That he’d tell her she was worthy of love.

Max waited, sitting on his couch, running his hands over his face, searching for the words.

Y/N came out of the room and walked past the living room, intending to leave without saying goodbye.

“I'll break up with Kelly,” Max stood up, stopping her with his words.

“Do you think that will help? You’ll still hide me as if you’re ashamed.”

“Y/N…” He couldn’t find the words.

“No. I'm leaving. I'm tired. Of you and all your crap.”

[junicult]

Could you write about what it’s like when the bachelors and the farmer decide to try for a baby? Either the conversation they have about it or when they actually TRY 😉. Or both… No pressure tho! I love your work!

!! trying for a baby with the bachelors.

contains ; fem!farmer. nsfw! fluffff <33. talk of children / pregnancy. mostly talk, not much smut. some smut in harvey’s, sam’s, & alex’s. farmer wears a dress. breeding kink. not proofread! i’ll add more tags later & i apologize this is a bit rushed :,

harvey.

- alright so i basically talked all abt this on my last post,

- but i’ll happily elaborate further.

- first of all, this man dreams of being a father.

- he’s always wanted to be one, and may i just say he’d be the best father?? hello???

- if u don’t agree ur lying.

- so i wanna say the topic of children was first brought up when you were only dating.

- “would you ever want to have kids one day?” you ask, and it wasn’t so blunt that he was blindsided, but he was still a little taken aback by the question.

- standing next to you in his kitchen, mixing breakfast on the stove while you sat on the counter.

- he only looks at you for a sec, because ever the overthinker he is, he’s afraid he’ll say the wrong thing.

- “yes, i do. one day.” he feels the need to specify, before looking back down at the pan to avoid eye contact.

- he doesn’t see your smile, or the way you softly chuckle at his action.

- “me too. one day.”

- and now he feels beyond excited. so excited that he starts to grin without even realizing it.

- i feel like that’s as far as the conversation went for now, you changing the topic to breakfast and starting to get plates together while he displayed it all.

- but ofc the thought would always stay in the back of his mind.

- bc now, when you’re married and it’s actually clear that you would want him to be the father of your child, it’s easier to have the conversation without feeling worried abt rejection. for him, at least.

- i feel like it happens one night after work, and you’re both a little exhausted and just want to be together.

- ur all clean and full after showering and eating together, just spending time w one another before u finally finish up ur tiring day in bed.

- “do you want to try for a baby?” you ask.

- my fav part abt all of this is that u always ask at the most unexpected times.

- but he’s not as shocked this time around, cus he was literally thinking the same thing.

- “do you want to?” lmfao.

- “i do. i think we’re ready.”

- say no more, cus he’s absolutely ready.

- i mean, he’s literally been ready for the last like 15 years of his life so…yeah.

- i mentioned this my last post, but i’m gonna say it again. to really get the message across.

- ur married to a doctor. ur abt to try for a baby with a DOCTOR.

- ur not just gonna fuck until you make a baby. unfortunately 😞

- he’s gonna help you figure out ur ovulation schedule. and if you aren’t for a while, obviously you’re not just gonna stop having sex, but you’re not going to be actively trying as hard until you’re ovulating.

- and when u finally aarreee 😊😊😊

- tehehehe.

- imagine he comes home from spending like the entire day in the clinic, and he’s so tired and all he wants to do is be with you.

- like he’s literally spent the last three or so hours thinking about burying his face in the crook of your neck and just holding you.

- so picture his excitement when you finished up your work super quick, made dinner, and you tell him ur ovulating liikkeeeee.

- suddenly he’s forgotten all about his annoying day.

- his arms wrap around your waist, lifting you ever so slightly to meet his height while your lips are already molded together.

- try to tell me he wouldn’t lift u bridal style to take u to the bedroom. just try.

- hands softly running up and down your body underneath your layers of clothes, kisses trailing down to your neck and collar while he piece by piece helps you out of them.

- “love these lips, these cheeks, these ears,” he whispers all the while emphasizing each feature with a kiss.

- he’s so handsy, and he won’t let you hear the end of his praise.

- prep prep prep prep prepppppps you.

- he’s so grateful to be able to have you like this, ofc he’s going to make the most of it.

- plus, statistically, a female orgasm increases the chances of pregnancy.

- it wouldn’t hurt to up the chances by giving you a few, now would it?

sam.

- for sam, being a father wasn’t really something he spent so much time dwelling on.

- like, it’d just be a passing thought in his mind before he fell asleep,

- occasionally wondering what it’d be like to have a wife and kids, but not something he’d want to act on for at least a few years.

- he never found himself thinking about that kind of stuff, until he met you.

- and sure, you were both young, but the more he spent time with you, the longer he fell in love with you, the thought would continue to pop up way more often.

- he started to really think about it after seeing you interact with vincent.

- how his little brother would come running into your arms the minute you knocked on the door, excitedly latching onto you as his way of saying hello.

- “hey kiddo, how’s it been?” as if you didn’t see him literally yesterday.

- but that doesn’t matter, bc the way you ruffle his hair, entertaining his all-over-the-place conversation without even a hint of annoyance—makes sam feel all sputtery inside.

- it’s like vincent would be your main priority until he finished up telling you whatever it was he wanted you to know, and then you’d turn and greet your boyfriend with a small kiss on the cheek.

- like sam was secondary to the rest of his family, bc not to mention, you were also a sweetheart to jodi.

- vincent absolutely adored you. he’d always bother sam about you, asking when you’d come over or if he could tag along on your dates.

- i feel like his breaking point (if u will) was when he came home from work one day to see all three of you in his kitchen.

- his mom was teaching you how to make some special dish, and you had vincent propped on your back so he could watch.

- “sorry! i forgot you were working today but jodi just told me to wait here, and we kinda lost track of time.” you justify, face pinching in worry at his silence.

- that’s the exact moment it all clicked for him.

- he stayed dreadfully quiet while jodi finished up teaching you, and each moment you were growing increasingly worried.

- it wasn’t until you finally had alone time, and you immediately started gushing apologies when you stepped into his room.

- “i’m so sorry, sam, i didn’t mean to make it awkward for you, but your mom wanted to show me something and i was excited to learn and i dunno, i just forgot about—“

- “i wanna get married to you.”

- gn.

- you just blink back in awe, unsure of how to respond bc WHAT a bomb to drop rn.

- “…you do?”

- “so bad. i love you so much, i really want to be your husband.”

- so of course you ask him, “where is this coming from? i thought you were mad at me?”

- he just cups his hands on your cheeks, shaking his head. “are you kidding? how could i ever be mad at you spending time with my family?”

- and when he realizes you didn’t say anything, he goes all quiet and he’s like, “…do you wanna marry me?”

- duh.

- and so the topic of kids doesn’t follow long after, when you both mutually agree you want them, but at least not for a while.

- neither of u act on it until like a year after u get married.

- “vincent was asking about you. says he misses you and wants us to come over for dinner soon.” sam says, recapping his day while you wash your body beside him.

- btw, i like to think he waits until whenever u need to shower to shower with u.

- why? idk.

- anyways,

- “i’ll go visit him tomorrow. i miss the little guy,” you giggle.

- for him, he misses the way he’d see you interact with his little brother. how sweet, and kind you were. how you’d always include him in things, and despite him being a child, you didn’t really treat him as one.

- sure, you knew better then to say certain things around him, but when it came to all of you being in the same room together, you made sure he wasn’t forgotten about.

- he knows you’d be a great mother.

- “i wish we had a baby.” he blurts, a little frown on his face as he rinses the soap out of his hair.

-“really?”

- it’s not like it’s a foreign topic, but it’s still a little unexpected.

- “yeah! they’d have your hair and my eyes. with your cheeks, and cute nose.”

- he’s so cute i’m sobbing.

- you can’t help but grin at him as he goes on about how many kids he wants, and what they’d be named, and how they’d look.

- “yeah, i know vincent has jas but how cool would it be if he had another little buddy in town?”

- “i didn’t think you wanted kids yet?”

- “well, that was a year ago. we just haven’t really talked about it since.” he shrugs, and you can’t help but kiss his cute, rosy cheek.

- so from now on, ur gonna try for a baby🫡

- it’s definitely not as thought out as harvey.

- yeah, u guys are just gonna fuck until it works LMAO.

- but dare i say, you’ve never enjoyed sex like this.

- you’re all hot and sweaty, naked, hair clinging to your neck and staggered breaths all over his lips.

- “nggh, fuck, sam—feels s’good…” moaning into his mouth while he does the same, hips meeting yours at a eye-rolling pace.

- he’s already came twice, hardly enough energy to even bring himself to a third but yet somehow, here he is, fucking into you like he knows no better.

- and he won’t stop sputtering just pure filth in your ear,

- “mmgh—y’so pretty, so perfect. you’d make the prettiest babies.” “what are you doing to me? nnfuck, feels so, so good…”

- your fingers are feathered through his hair, arms wrapped around his neck to keep him close.

- you’re already so sensitive and overstimulated by the time he cums. you both are.

- so while he catches his breath, he’s holding you close and staying buried to the hilt inside of u.

shane.

- :,).

- i feel like it’s his little secret that he’s always wanted to be a father.

- but he never thought it’d happen for him.

- and after he met you, first of all he was shocked you liked him back.

- and as time progressed, and you’ve helped with his alcohol addiction, he’s really found that he fell in love with you.

- spending all this time together, despite you being so busy.

- you always make a way to fit him into your schedule, whether it be he comes over and helps you with some of your chores, or you meet him at the saloon.

- but as time progressed, and you were both were absolutely infatuated with each other, he couldn’t stop thinking about marrying you.

- but more importantly…having kids with you.

- i think, generally, he wants to be a good father, which is why he’s always kinda wanted kids.

- he wants to try to be there for his child, and wants to laugh with them, help them when they need it, watch them grow up and stuff.

- he wants to be able to nurture someone in a way he wasn’t really able to do for himself.

- but also, he’s a little possessive🤷‍♀️

- it’s sick, and gross, but the idea of you walking around with a pretty, swollen belly and everyone gets to know he did that. well.

- and he just knows you’d be the most amazing mom. with how you care for your animals, and you’re such a hard-worker…he’s gonna lose his mind.

- so yeah, despite him thinking about it constantly, you’re still the first to bring it up.

- “…can we talk about something?”

- instantly, he’s nervous. he feels like ur gonna break up with him or something.

- “a-about what?��

- you’re in the middle of washing dishes, so you use that as an excuse to avoid eye contact.

- since you’ve been dating for many months now, long past the point of exchanging “i love you”‘s and even closer to the inevitable possibility of marriage.

- but to make it this far and find out he doesn’t want children like you do, well that would be the most painful way to end things.

- “what are your thoughts on…like…kids?”

- he blinks.

- “kids?”

- “yeah, kids. like…children.”

- he’s quietly scratching the back of his head, trying not to let confusion paint across his face but yet here he is, eyebrows furrowed and head tilted.

- “i—i dunno. they’re pretty…cool? i guess? i like them…”

- he’s just staring at you, trying to read your expression in any way to figure out what the hell u are bringing this up for.

- he’s even more confused when you just nod instead of giving him an answer.

- “is that all you wanted to talk about?”

- it takes u another like 5 minutes to finally swallow your fear, and flicker your gaze to him.

- “no, i just…well i wanted to know if you’d ever be interested in, like, having kids….of your own—in the future! not now, or, whatever.”

- he thinks ur so cute.

- the way you’re purposely angling your chin down to hide your face, and despite the fact that you’ve already cleaned the same plate like seven times, you still continue to scrub it.

- he has half a mind to laugh a little, but he knows that’s only make you feel more nervous. so he just smiles quietly to himself, looking at you.

- “hmm, having kids?” he sighs, leaning against the counter, crossing his arms like he’s in deep thought to agonize you teasingly.

- “well, considering i have jas in my life, yeah. kids aren’t so bad.”

- the puppy-dog look you give him finally has him chuckling.

- “you’d want kids?”

- “yeah, someday. but you know, having kids is kind of a two person job.“

- now it’s your turn to giggle, fixing your gaze back towards a new dish you grab to clean.

- “oh, is it?”

- “mhm. they’re hiring, too. but not just anyone can apply.”

- “what’re the requirements?”

- he gently wraps his arms around your waist, pressing against your back and lowering to rest his chin on your shoulder.

- “hmm, we’ll they’re looking for someone who’s perfect.” he presses a kiss to your cheek. “have i told you you’re perfect?”

sebastian.

- much like sam, he didn’t really spend time thinking about fatherhood.

- it wasn’t something he dwelled on hardly, if not ever.

- he had other things to focus on, and unfortunately he didn’t really think that’d ever be a part of his future.

- and it didn’t change right when he met you.

- he really liked you for a long time before anything even progressed (nerves, i guess?)

- but eventually, you were steadily a very good couple.

- spending lots of time together, going on dates (more like ponder sessions by the rivers and beach but whatever) and just overall the early stages of falling in love.

- he’d come visit at the farm and wouldn’t leave for days. even when he told himself he needed to, it’d take him so long to actually leave.

- he spent so much time thinking about you too, that of course his mind began to wander.

- what would marriage be like, first of all.

- it didn’t take long before he decided he liked that thought. coming home to you every day, waking up with you by his side.

- his city dreams weren’t so important to him anymore. not if it meant leaving you behind.

- now, as for children,

- he didn’t spend much time thinking about it for a while. it was mostly just a passing thought in his mind.

- kinda like sam, you two definitely discussed it before getting married but it was a short, “if we decide we want to someday,” and that was about it.

- i feel like sebastian is a little possessive, too.

- he loves the fact that he’s married to you now. that he’s legally tied to you and he has a reason for wanting you all to himself some days.

- the longer you two were married, however, he had to get used to his mom’s constant remarks.

- “you know, i did build a nursery in her house, sebby. just something to think about.” robin grins in passing convo.

- which he can’t help but cringe at what his mom is implying, but he guesses she has a point.

- so as he got older, he started to think about having kids a lot more.

- because, yes, being married to him does kinda scream off limits.

- but wouldn’t having a child be even a much better indicator?

- how there’s actual living proof that sebastian is yours and you are his.

- yeah, he’s gonna be thinking about it a lot.

- “honey, are you okay? you’ve been really quiet today.” you wonder softly, wrapping your arms around his back where he laid with his face pressed against your chest.

- you know that sometimes he just likes to be alone, and it has nothing to do with you, it’s just his own personal preference.

- but he’s not usually like this. clingy, latched onto you tight while he’s lost in his thoughts.

- “hm? oh, yeah i’m fine baby. don’t worry.”

- you frown at his vagueness. “you can tell me anything. need me to step out? i don’t mind, sebby.”

- he loves u sm.

- “no! no, it’s nothing like that,” he even accentuates by squeezing you a little tighter, “i’ve just…been thinking.”

- “about…?”

- you feel him shrug, but he moves his face to bury into the crook of your neck, so you can’t see him.

- “i dunno, just like…us. i guess.”

- 😑

- “…okay…”

- and now ur kind like, sitting up to move away from him, and he’s not having that.

- he frowns, once again tightening his hold on you and burying himself deeper.

- “nothing bad, i promise.” he murmurs into you.

- “then what is it?”

- you never want to pressure him to tell you what’s on his mind, but when he’s like this, you feel like you deserve to know a little.

- he only answers with hesitation, taking long enough before you frown and squint your eyes down at him.

- “sebastian, if y—“

- “i wanna have a baby.”

- lol.

- now it gets real quiet.

- you freeze, hand pausing midway through his hair. you can almost feel the significant change in the atmosphere.

- “…what?”

- “i know we haven’t really talked about it lately, i just think it’s something we should talk about.”

- he keeps his face hidden away from yours, despite you attempting to look down at him.-

- but, if he was looking at you, he’d be able to see the smile on your plump cheeks, and how you were suddenly wrapping your legs around his torso.

- “i was thinking the same thing.”

alex.

- okay, so for this one,

- i feel like it’d be 50/50.

- one half of me says he’d never want kids.

- he saw the man his father grew up to be, and he despises him because of it.

- it scarred him enough to mess with his relationships with past women, definitely gave him commitment issues for a long while.

- so he never wanted to be a father. he can’t picture himself as one.

- but the other half of me says the opposite.

- he’s a man, who knows what it’s like to live with an abusive, absent father.

- and despite him still being kind of young, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he’d never treat his child, or even his wife like how his father did.

- almost like he’d want to prove people wrong.

- like, not all men end up like his father. most of them can actually become loving, supportive fathers and husbands.

- that’s the side of him i like to think abt most 😇

- but, i do wanna say though, when he met you, he didn’t really think that deeply about you.

- sure, he really liked you and how sweet you are. you’d always spend time with him, and make him feel better whenever he was down.

- most importantly, however, you weren’t shy to put him in his place if he ever said anything offhanded.

- you taught him a lot, and that’s when he really started to fall for you.

- it didn’t take long to confess his feelings. he likes being bold like that, and rejection doesn’t scare him.

- after you told him you reciprocated, he was instantly excited to call you his girlfriend.

- evelyn and george already loved you, (maybe evelyn a little more openly,) so accepting you into the family was a very easy task.

- he’d talk about you constantly. he’d find any opportunity to steer the conversation to you, and run with it for as long as they’d let him.

- and don’t get me started whenever he’s with you.

- he may act all tough, and above-it all the time, but i can promise you:

- whenever you’re alone, he’s just a big baby.

- smushing his face into your chest, wrapping his arms and legs around you so he could take a nap.

- and he loves when you’d lay like that, brushing your fingers through his hair and telling him about you day so he can just listen to your voice.

- now, that being said: i feel like he’s not scared to talk about wanting children with you.

- it was probably a conversation early on in your relationship, he just steered clear from stating he’d like you to be the mother of his child.

- “yeah, i’d love to have kids one day. babies love me!” kinda thing.

- and the longer you two were dating, and the more serious and committed it became, he was all for letting you know what was really on his mind.

- “you’d be the most perfect mom. our kids would be so smart, and gentle. plus, with our ridiculously good looks—unbeatable.” he grins, pop kissing all over your face as wraps his arms around you.

- behind your fit of giggles, you can’t help but counter, “please, alex, i need get back to work!”

- and he’s reluctantly sending you off to do your job, spending the rest of his hours making himself busy at home until he can repeat it all over again when you finish up at night.

- despite him talking and thinking about it so often, much like the rest of the guys he won’t act on it until you’re actually married.

- probably like a month after you get married he brings it up, but not like he used to.

- “hmm, what do you say about making a baby, pretty?” his fingertips slide through your hair, cupping the side of your face.

- he can’t help but place one calloused hand to your bare stomach, pressing down just slightly to watch the way your eyes pinch and lips part.

- his hips were stilled, cock buried deep inside of you after minutes of teasing you.

- “nngh? whaa—“ you’re hardly coherent, head lulling into his palm the moment he begins his slow drags in and out of you.

-“aww, you’d look so pretty carrying my kids, dontcha think? let’s make it happen baby, please?” “we wanna baby, right? c’mon, we’re ready. now’s perfect.”

- he’s gently nipping at your cheek, kissing down your jaw and neck to hear you whine on top of the way he’s pressing against you.

- “c-can’t, t’much,” you whimper, eyes rolling the minute his hips snap and his pace quickens.

- “yes you can, i know you can.” his voice is breathless and low in your ear, “why don’t you let me cum inside, hm?”

- his sweet gaze has your head spinning, lower lip puckered and wobbling.

- you’re so overstimulated even the slightest movement has your body twitching, throat swelling.

- yet somehow, you’re still bringing yourself to nod slowly while he grins above you.

- “yeah, knew you’d like that.”

elliot.

- he’s absolutely ready to be a father.

- it probably didn’t become something he actually dwelled on until he got older, but yeah, he’s absolutely ready.

- when he met you, not to say it was love a first sight but…

- it was love at first sight.

- he quickly became well acquainted with you, and spent much time with you.

- whether you were at his cabin, or he came to visit your farm, it didn’t matter.

- it didn’t take long before you started dating and fell in love.

- he’d find himself thinking about you at his desk instead of writing.

- or lying awake at night, missing you beside him and eagerly awaiting the morning when he could go and see you.

- he’d spend so much time picturing what it’d be like to have you as his wife and mother of his children.

- the topic of kids was definitely early on.

- “i’d want three. two girls and a boy. he’d be the youngest.” he hums, taking a bite out of a pomegranate you had just given him a few minutes beforehand.

- “yeah? three, huh?”

- he smiles, nodding.

- “well y’know, if she didn’t want three, then i’m fine with however many.”

- you were sitting on the foot end of his bed, while he sat beside you.

- “hmm, no, three is fine. i’m sure she wouldn’t mind three.”

- “you think?” he licks the fruit juice off his thumb behind his grin, before leaning back against the headboard.

- “oh, i know.”

[amourtoken]

inhuman Vessel below the cut lol this was spontaneous so forgive any error

Also tw for dubcon/nc at first but it's monsterfucking so that's why

ALSO it's long so pls forgive that as well I got carried away.

thinking abt inhuman Vessel who's been lurking around your house for decades, he didn't really take interest until you moved in.

It's a beautiful home but the massive expanse of forest behind your house is what really sold you. Unfortunately, you didn't know about the history of the town you'd moved into and especially weren't aware of the stories surrounding your house. Oh well.

You swear you keep seeing things out of the corner of your eye whenever you're outdoors. It's worse at night. It keeps getting closer. You must be seeing things, hearing things. There's nothing out there, right?

You start noticing little things closer and closer to your house as well. Your backyard fence gate was broken. Your doors had some scratches around the handles. The kitchen window was cracked? It's pretty high off the ground...how did that happen? You couldn't help but feel nervous. Maybe it was just a coincidence, maybe this was all there before and you didn't notice. You hope so.

Surely the creaking couldn't be footsteps, you live in an old house and it makes noise, just go back to sleep. God, please be asleep by the time it gets to you.

You could rationalize everything until your bedroom door opens, the room is freezing, maybe this is just a terrible dream though. Not that you'd dare to open your eyes anyway. Your heart genuinely ached from pounding against your ribs so hard. Is this really how you were gonna go out?

Vessel knew you were awake, he could hear your pulse racing and it was upsetting. He knows he's scary but he's genuinely just curious. It's been well over a hundred years since he's made contact with a person, the last people who lived here weren't his taste so he stayed back in the woods like usual. When he saw you for the first time, he couldn't help himself, he had to get to know you. He looked almost human, maybe you'd grow to enjoy him?

Vessel had to lean over a bit to avoid the ceiling in your bedroom, he was about 8 ft tall. His limbs were a little too long and his joints were a bit loose. Every movement made an unfortunately sickening crackling sound if he wasn't careful about it. His mask only covered half his face but if you looked close enough, you'd see that his mouth could open a little too wide to be human. 6 eyes all focused directly on you in bed, it was becoming harder to pretend you were asleep.

Vessel really wanted this to go differently, but was there really a chance you'd open your eyes and not be terrified? No. So ultimately, he has to just dive in.

You were already petrified, so when a massive hand drug you by your ankle to the end of the bed that's all it took for the tears to really start flowing. He felt bad, again, but couldn't hold himself back. He'll make it up to you if you just let him in, he really doesn't want to hurt you, he just needs a taste. He hasn't felt a person before, not like this. Not without violence. Here's his chance.

you felt so soft against him, he was trying to make himself seem smaller but that was difficult, when he spreads out he knocks things off your nightstand and walls. He'd help you clean up if you'll let him. That's a thought for later though. His breath felt cold against your skin, two giant hands holding your thighs open after dragging your shorts off. Is this really happening? This has to be a dream, there's no way.

You were so pretty to him, he wanted to know what made you feel good but he supposed he'd learn as he went. He was worried he was gonna hurt you in the process since he's so much bigger and stronger than you are, humans have a tendency to be easy to pull apart. He was handling you like you were the most fragile creature alive and even that felt rough. You were shaking like a leaf and yelped when you felt a giant tentacle like tongue slicking across your thighs and brushing against your pussy in a very uncoordinated fashion. (Forgive him he isn't familiar with human anatomy)

you were so fucking sweet, he wondered if all people tasted like this. His hands held your legs open further, he figured he'd found where he wanted to be. All 6 eyes were still focusing on your face, you looked miserable but please just try to enjoy yourself? Realize he's not gonna hurt you. He wishes he could tell you but unfortunately he's not really built for speech. His tongue was several feet long, getting thinner towards the tip and thicker closer to his mouth which if your eyes were open you'd notice was unhinged similar to a snake. He had multiple rows of teeth but had the fortunate ability to hide those unless he needed to use them.

You felt so fucking full, his tongue coiled around itself inside of you, no part of you untouched. He was writhing his tongue like he was trying to map you from the inside out (which he can't lie he was), the base of his tongue pressing against your clit when he moved closer. You couldn't help but whine a little, your voice breaking. It's terrifying but still feels good. God the sounds you make had him dizzy, he needed more. He lifted your hips off the bed a bit to get a better angle, a deep groaning sound reverberating from his chest when you clenched around his tongue.

He really didn't know how pleasure worked for you, but you seemed to be enjoying yourself. Your heart was still racing and your body felt hot, the longer he fucked his tongue into you the tighter you felt around it. His nails sank into your thighs when you finally came, back arching while you whimpered and covered your face with your hands. He withdrew his tongue and sat back on his heels. He had to make you do that again, he had to see it. Pretty much all resolve he had left dissipated after you came, you smelled so fucking good he really couldn't stop himself if he tried.

Vessel held you by your hips, nails pressing dangerously hard into the soft skin. He was still trying not to hurt you but his head was swimming with thoughts of you coming undone around him. He leaned over you, your legs really had to stretch to fit around his hips but you managed. You could feel him breathing hard against your neck long tongue laving against your skin while his length pressed at your slit. It felt like there was no way in hell he'd ever manage to fit inside you yet he did in a single thrust.

He pulled back pretty quickly at the pained sound you made, he didn't mean to hurt you what did he do wrong? He started to draw his hips back but the way you gripped him he really couldn't stop. He wished he could apologize for any pain but hopefully you understood. He braced himself with his hands on either side of your head, hips rocking back into yours and he quickly realized he in fact didn't fit entirely inside of you. There was still a good 4-5 inches that he just couldn't work into you. At this point he didn't mind, how you felt around the rest of him when he pressed against your cervix was good enough.

he set a pretty violent rhythm, chasing pleasure and those pretty sounds you were making. Your entire body bounced with every thrust, you reached up and held one of his arms to steady yourself. He felt that swarming butterfly sensation in his chest, you touched him on your own free will, maybe you wouldn't hate him after all of this? You still didn't open your eyes, but maybe you'd get there eventually.

Vessel was panting at this point, you felt so fucking good around him, you were sure you'd be bruised from the inside out tomorrow. He couldn't help but notice the large bulge in your lower stomach every time he fucked himself into you. He was so lost in this moment he didn't notice you were so close, his breath caught in his throat when you came around him, pretty sobs and moans leaving your lips while you pulsed around him. His legs nearly gave out entirely, fuck.

Your end made him pick his pace up, one hand holding your hip to steady you while he abused your poor pussy. You were dripping around him and making a huge mess of the sheets below you but at this point your brain was so clouded you didn't mind. You'd had your eyes closed this entire time until he sank into you painfully deep and growled harshly as he came inside you. He was twitching profusely above you, and the bulge in your belly only got worse when he filled you up. The insane amount of excess dripped onto the sheets to add to the mess that had already formed below you and Vessel pulled out, making more gush from inside you.

Your eyes met 6 of his finally while he was perched on the floor at the end of your bed, panting to catch his breath. He was intimidating but not as scary as you thought he'd be. Plus he did just fuck you better than anyone in your entire life so how bad can he be??

Unfortunately you didn't get a chance to share any words (not that he could speak anyway) before he slipped out of your room and disappeared. You still wondered if this was a dream, everything happening so suddenly. Lucky for you, he'd planned to return already. He couldn't leave his sweet little human alone for long now that he's had a taste.

(also kinda pulled from these pics I found on Pinterest as the vibe but interpret it however you'd like. These are just like the *image* but they're not exact by any means ofc just the energy I'm going for. He's kinda an amorphous forest creature who can change shape to a degree.)

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

reader comforting sad ethan?? like could be something his dad was suggesting/saying and ethans really frustrated. had prob been avoiding girlfriend! reader for a bit bc of the whole plan thing. hes prob reconsidering it all bc its been the happiest hes been in his LIFE and he feels like a shitty bf for the shit abt to happen. but he obviously cant talk abt it so he tries to shut her out, which doesnt work clearly. its up to you if you wanna include smut (tbh dont see dom! ethan existing here) but definitely just angst to fluff! this boy needs a hug ):

Okay, hi! I was about to go to bed when I got this request, and just HAD to write it. No smut, I thought it was better without it. I hope you like it:)

Everything We Need - Ethan Landry x Fem!Reader

Summary: Your boyfriend is feeling guilty about being Ghostface, and wants to do whatever he can to protect you.

A/N: I LOVE THIS. There's just something about sad Ethan that makes me love him even more🥹

When Ethan met up with Quinn and his dad, he felt sick to his stomach. The plan that had been in the works for a year was coming to fruition, as two wannabe Ghostface’s had met their demise. He really wanted to back out. For the first time in his life, he had someone in his life that made him want to get up every day, and that’s been weighing heavy on his mind.

“Ethan, are you listening?” Wayne asked, Quinn rolling her eyes.

“He’s probably thinking about his girlfriend,” she scoffed, as Wayne’s face got even more serious.

“You need to keep your head in this. Don’t you let some little bitch keep you from doing what we’re all here to do,” he said, scanning his sons face. “Richie would never let me down.”

His dad always used that against Ethan. Richie and his dad were so close, while Ethan didn’t get the whole father-son bonding experience he craved. That’s why he agreed to go along with this plan in the first place. He wanted his fathers love so badly that he was willing to kill for it.

“I know, dad. I won’t let you down,” he said, as Wayne started to discuss the plan further.

“Wait, does Ethan’s little girlfriend have to die, too?” Quinn asked, as a lump formed in Ethan’s throat.

“Shut the fuck up, Quinn!” Ethan yelled, as his dad stood there, thinking about the best way to respond.

“She might. I don’t know yet. You might want to distance yourself from her. If she finds out, she will have to die,” Wayne said, as Ethan’s eyes started to water. A single tear slipped down his cheek, quickly wiping it away with his hand.

“Ethan, I don’t think I can count on you for this. Your head is obviously somewhere else, as usual,” he said, shaking his head. “Why can’t you be strong like Richie was?”

The rest of their meeting consisted of Ethan getting berated by Quinn and his father. He knew he needed to keep you safe, so he decided that maybe he should put a little distance between the two of you. He felt like shit that your friends were on the literal chopping block, and he knew how badly this would hurt you if you ever found out he was a part of it.

He ignored every text you’d sent him for the last few days. He declined every FaceTime. You were really starting to worry about him. Aside from the worrying, your heart hurt, because you’d just taken his virginity before he stopped talking to you. You couldn’t help but wonder if that had anything to do with why he pretty much ghosted you.

As you were on your way to Sam and Tara’s, you sent Ethan another text asking if he was going to be there. You hoped for a reply, but you never got one.

You sat around the living room with Anika, Mindy, Tara, and Quinn when Chad walked in. You waited for Ethan to walk in, but he never did.

“Hey, what’s up, guys?” Chad said, taking a seat next to Tara.

“Where’s Ethan?” Tara asked, knowing you wanted the answer.

“Oh, he was going to come, but he decided last minute to stay at the dorm,” Chad said, before looking over to you, “He didn’t tell you he wasn’t coming?”

“No,” you whispered, as Quinn rolled her eyes. She couldn’t stand you and hoped that Ethan wouldn’t have taken their dad’s advice. She wanted nothing more than to make you one of her victims.

“That’s really weird,” Mindy said, a confused look on her face. “Maybe you should go check on him.”

“He ignores me every time I try to contact him,” you said, “I don’t think he wants to see me.”

“That’s definitely weird because he won’t shut up about how much he misses you.”

You were so confused, but you tried to ignore the urge to go see him. Maybe he was just going through something and needed space, but you still thought it was strange that he didn’t tell you what was going on with him.

As everyone got ready to leave, you pulled Chad to the side.

“Is Ethan okay?” you asked, as Chad shook his head.

“He’s always talking about you, but he isn’t sleeping. He’s barely eating. I don’t know what’s going on with him,” he responded, a little bummed that his friend wasn’t doing well.

“I think I’m going to go see him,” you sighed, pulling your jacket on.

“I’ll be there soon, I want to hang out with Tara for a little bit,” he said.

You nodded as you grabbed your phone and started the walk to his dorm. When you got there, you knocked on the door, hoping that he was home.

Your mouth dropped when you saw his face as he opened the door. His eyes were sunken in, he was very pale. He looked like a shell of his former self.

“Baby, what’s going on?” you asked as he gestured you in.

He sat down on his bed beside you but didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want to put you in danger.

“Please talk to me,” you said, tears welling up in your eyes.

Hot, fat tears started to flow down his cheeks. You pulled him close to you as he sobbed into your chest.

“I don’t know why you want to be with me. I’m worthless,” he cried, your heart shattering at his words.

“Baby, why do you think that? You aren’t worthless,” you said, a few tears slipping past your bottom lashes.

“I’m nothing. I’m weak. I don’t deserve you,” he was choking out his words between sobs as your fingers ran through his hair.

“Ethan, I love you. I love you with all my heart. I don’t want you to talk about yourself like that. You’re perfect the way you are,” you whispered to him as you kissed his forehead.

“No, I’m not. My dad always compares me to my brother. He’s always been the golden child while I’ve been the black sheep of the family,” he said, your nails gently dragging across his scalp as you tried to soothe him. He’s never mentioned his family, and it really pissed you off that anyone could make this sweet boy feel this way.

“You’re always golden to me, baby. You mean so much to me, and it breaks my heart that you feel this way.”

In that moment, everything clicked in Ethan’s head. He knew he didn’t need his dad because he has you. Someone that loves him unconditionally.

“What if we just leave?” he asked, sitting up to look at you.

“Why do you want to leave?” you asked, taking his hand in yours.

“It isn’t safe here. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” he said, his eyes pleading with yours.

You started to think about it. All classes have been cancelled for the last week. Most of the students have already returned home because of what happened to the guys from the Film Studies class.

“Where do you want to go?” you asked, smiling at him.

“I don’t care. I want to get as far away as possible,” he said, standing up. “I’ll grab what I’ll need, and we’ll go to your dorm next.”

You helped him grab the necessities, noticing things you knew he’d need that he didn’t seem to care about in his current state. He grabbed stacks of clothes, piling them in his suitcase.

“Can you sit on this for me so I can zip it?” he asked, as you giggled. You did what he asked as he sighed in relief, ready to get your stuff so you could get the fuck out of the state.

You walked out of the dorm and went around the back of it.

“Wait here,” Ethan said, running over to the dumpster. He pulled the robe, mask, and knife out of his backpack, throwing it away.

He was smiling when he came back over to you, looking like the normal Ethan you fell in love with. He picked you up and spun you around, before kissing you.

“I love you,” he said, as he sat you back down and his forehead rested against yours.

“I love you, too.”

Once you arrived at your dorm, you grabbed everything you needed in a matter of minutes. Ethan was deep in thought as he sat on your bed.

“You having second thoughts about this?” you joked, as he shook his head.

“No, there’s nothing more that I want than to get away from here with you,” he said, placing a kiss to your forehead. “Can we take your car?”

“I was kind of hoping that was the plan,” you laughed, as you double-checked the room to make sure you weren’t missing anything. “Let’s get out of here.”

Your hand was in his as you walked through the student parking lot to your car. Once you made it there, Ethan asked you to get in so he could put the luggage in the trunk. You thought about how Chad mentioned that Ethan hadn’t slept in days, so you decided that it’d be best if you drove.

He started to feel uneasy, so he felt around under the bumper of your car.

“That stupid bitch,” he muttered, pulling off the tracking device Quinn must’ve put on your car.

“Okay, we’re ready. I just need to run by the ATM before we leave,” he said, as you looked at him, confused.

“Uh, my dad has experience with finding people, and I don’t want him to see my card transactions wherever we end up going,” he explained, as you nodded.

You pulled up to the ATM as he handed you his card and told you the pin.

“How much?” you asked, entering the pin on the pad.

“Let’s get two thousand for now,” he said, as you turned to look at him.

“How much money do you have in here?” you asked, your eyes wide. It’s not everyday a college kid pulls two grand out of their bank account.

“I have a lot. When my mom died, she left a lot of money to me,” he said, as you rubbed your hand against his thigh.

“I didn’t know that babe. I’m sorry,” you said, withdrawing the money and handing it to him.

As the two of you crossed state lines, he finally stopped looking behind him. You felt a little nervous that he was so concerned, almost like he thought you were being followed. The further you drove, the more exhausted you started to get.

“We might need to stop soon,” you said, Ethan’s tired eyes looking you over.

“Okay, let’s take the next exit. We can get a hotel room for the night,” he said, as you nodded, a yawn slipping out.

Once you got to the room, he crawled onto the bed. You helped him take his shoes off before you snuggled up beside him.

“Thank you,” he said, as he laid his head on your chest.

“For what?” you asked, starting to relax in the bed.

“For loving me as much as you do.”

[fakesimp]

HIIII I WANT TO REQUEST SOMETHINGGG

alright so i was thinking..luxiem separate reaction to shu practicing his magic ofc and he accidentally turns u into a baby. for like 24 hours. 😭 this ofc is sfw cuz..babies yk

if u have questions dont worry abt asking u can dm!! thank u in advance!! 🩷

Accidental Sorcery

Warning !

Fluff ; Crack ; Mentions of Confusion ; Established Relationship

Fic are made in medium form !

A/n !

Second ask checked on the list ! I hope this reaches your expectations !! <3

➶◜◝➴

Vox Akuma

This demon is stumped,

And this demon, is holding his laughter as he sees your little cute figure, he is stifling his laughter as he glance down at you in a certain sorcerer's arms before looking at up at the person who's holding you that is smiling in agony.

"I'm so sorry, this. This shouldn't have happened, it'll last for just 24 hours, so please. Make sure they don't get hurt"

That's what the sorcerer said, with an apologetic look on his face as he handle you to your Beloved Voice Demon. "24 hours, got it."

Or so he said.

He have no idea what does babies like, for thousands of years he had been alone, he had forgotten how to take care of babies. It'll took him quite awhile to finally be able to handle you.

So overall, he is kinda not too good caretaker, but hey he tried his best at least.

Though when you turned back to normal in his arms the next morning, you will get a clingy af Demon because he missed the adult you and he can finally rest without hearing a baby's cry for hours.

Mysta Rias

No.

Just, good God, I don't know how you'll live.

Just kidding, I believe he is even more scared than you, because he could barely take care of himself, and how exactly is he gonna take care a damn baby?

And the fact that the baby is you? Making him even more worried than he already is.

"Shu, what the fuck did you do" "I, It's an accident okay, this is not how it's suppose to go."

Mysta internally screaming when Shu told him to take care of you for 24 hours, and now here he is, having a staring contest with you.

But in the end, both of you had fun with each other, he'll made you laugh so many times because of his stupid thing he did either by accident or on purpose.

At night, you're definitely deadass asleep on the bed, because you're so tired.

He actually fed you well too, despite him not being able like to cook for himself, and don't worry he didn't cook the food he feed you. He doesn't really trust himself for cooking for you when your body is more fragile.

The next morning when you turned back, he is so relieved you're okay. Hugs and cuddles with him in the morning, lazy morning with him because he needed that rest <3

Overall, he is a good caretaker.

Luca Kaneshiro

"Omg, a, a baby!- Who, Who's this? "

"It's your lover."

"Oh, haha.

What? "

Luca was left speechless when Shu explained your situation, and now that he is holding a, baby you in his arms.

Shu is still feeling guilty for what happened, but Luca told him not to worry too much about it, he'll take a good are of you.

And he did! Literally.

He took a day off to take care of you, making sure you're safe and sound. Since y'know, his job is, not quite kids friendly.

A literal golden retriever, he knows what to do to make you laugh, your laughter will literally be echoing throughout his apartment. He would make his, lackeys, doing stupid thing to see you laugh.

Food? Don't worry, he'll get the finest baby food for you to eat! And he himself is going to feed you, and it is quite a challenge, but he did it.

He is not gonna sleep until you sleep first, and it took goddamn hours for him to manage to get you to bed, and what's funny is that he fell asleep first.

And you soon after followed him, into the dream world. In his arms.

The next morning he woke up first, and saw you had turned back normal, "Oh, BABEEE WELCOME BACKKK!!" Is the first thing he said as he hugs you quite tight in his arms.

A lovely caretaker honestly.

Ike Eveland

"Please tell me this is not who I think it is."

".... Yes it is who you think it is.."

"Oh my god... What happened Shu..."

Ike was in closing his eyes the entire time, he is having his moment as he process what Shu just said.

Shu is so guilty upon what happened, after he told Ike how long the effect will last Ike is internally sighing.

He is a good caretaker, you're in good hands don't worry.

He knows how to take care of you, feeding you with proper food, playing with you for a certain amount of time. Also sleeping at the right time.

As messy as his sleep schedule is, he will not tolerate you sleeping late like him, so he will make you go to bed at reasonable time.

He is with you yes, but he's going to keep an eye on you, while he's looking at his phone too. Once you are asleep, he would gently pat your head as he laid beside you.

When you turned back in the morning, he will sigh in relief that you're okay, he'll pull you into his arms.

"Thank God you're okay."

Shu Yamino

The man who caused the accident.

He is having a staring contest with you, you're on the floor looking up at him, and him looking down at you on the floor.

"Oh no."

Is what he said before picking you up and tried to figure out how long does the effect will last. Once he found out it'll last for 24 hours, he doesn't really know what to do.

He could entertain you with his shikigamis, so overall, the one that's doing the care is his shikigamis. But he is going to be there for you,

One time you're pulling on the hem of his pants, he looked over at the small figure behind him. Humming softly, "Hm? What's wrong?"

If you wanted him to company you, he'll melt. The way you ask for his company is so cute. He would drop whatever he's doing and went to company you.

Knowing that as soon as you hit the bed, you're fast asleep. He was in awe when that happened, he'll pull up his blanket and look over at the clock, it is almost 11 pm and he felt quite bad for making you slept quite late.

He barely done anything as a caretaker honestly, but hey, he is going to be there whenever you need his company.

Once morning arrived, he is asleep next to you. You are the one that's awake first, you stared at his sleeping figure before snuggling close to him, he was quite surprised at the sudden movement, but when he realized it's you he'll hug you close to him. Chuckling away before whispering an apology.

"I'm sorry, It won't happen again, I swear"

©fakesimp . 2023

A/n !

There we go !! I hope you liked this <3 ! Thank you for requesting !!

( 2/10 )

[pupyuj]

sudden thought abt a stripper au,, like dom stripper reader and nerd (loser<3) virgin yujin.. yjn friends convincing her to go after exam week and yn having a weak spot cause yujin was so easy to get flushed arrrghg😩

im making this g!p IDCCCC IT'S SO PERFECTJDBCKFFJ YUJIN 🤤🤤🤤 idk how strippers operate so i kinda just .. did anything 😭😭😭😭😭😭 but thank you for this ask anon i was smiling the entire time writing it dkfnjfkdj

yujin really didn't wanna go there 😭 sure exam week ended but she still had lots to worry about, and the concept of having to 'unwind' and 'relax' just simply didn't exact to an overachiever like her, so she was pretty much fighting her friends about the whole thing until she finally caved in cuz she's spineless after all WHAT A LEWSERRRR 🤣🤣🤣 gaeul walking yujin through what she should do once she arrived at the club over the phone while yujin herself was otw there 😭 yujin asking a bunch of stupid questions and nearly choking on her spit when gaeul told her to 'get her virgin dick sucked dry by a hot girl'... she wasn't exactly a prude but god sometimes gaeul can be so... vulgar...

yujin stepping inside the club with her stupid glasses, academic decathlon varsity jacket, and a messenger bag that had a book inside.. who the fuck reads at a club???? her face immediately scrunching up at the sight of men, the smell of sweat and alcohol, and— oh god... there you were in the distance.. dancing in a sparkly dress that was too short, your lacy lingerie showing just a little bit to get the crowd riled up, smiling and winking as the losers at the bottom of the stage throwing bills at you... yujin was so hard.

JSJDNDKFJF YUJIN RUSHING TO THE BATHROOM, LOCKING HERSELF UP IN A STALL AND CONTACTING GAEUL 😭😭😭 gay panicking to the max, babbling about the prettiest girl she has ever seen and refusing to leave the stall and 'seize the moment' like gaeul was saying bcs of her hard on 😭 gaeul basically bullying yujin to fucking go back out there and try to catch your attention 😵‍💫 and yknow what... she does! there you were, doing what you do best on stage when you suddenly take notice of this unbelievably cute girl staring dumbly at you, her mouth slightly agape and legs closed tightly which of course you knew what that meant.. and usually you would grimace bcs you hated perverts but this girl was just too adorable to hate 😩😩

yujin's glasses being halfway down her nosehdjfhfkf, she was practically drooling and nearly suffered a heart attack when you winked her way. clutching onto her bag for dear life, which she used as a cover for her cock bcs goddamn she has never been this hard before... how can she even leave her seat without being noticed??! sjdbfkdkc yujinnie feeling overwhelmed by what you did to her body, and also the stench of men all around her so she runs for the bar bcs at least there wasn't a lot of people there :(( but you still watched her, and she still looked at you and god you were basically eyefucking each other yujin could have come in her pants right there 😭😭😭

omgomgkmf inviting yujin to a private room after your little performance ,, the loser almost literally shaking in her boots when she saw you sitting near the edge of the bed, already looking at her like you want to eat her whole... one leg crossed over the other, wearing a different dress this time but it wasn't any less slutty than the last,, yujin felt like she was losing her mind,,,

"figured you'd be cuter up close," were the first words you said to her, raising your chin and scanning her up and down. omg yujin could explode,,, timidly settling down next to you when you invited her, having to scoot closer bcs she sat far away 😭 "i'd like to know your name, darling." KHSDKBK yujin barely uttering a word but thankfully enough you were used to people biting their tongue around you so you understood her immediately .. patting her thigh and telling her to relax,, climbing onto the bed and coming up behind her,,, taking off her bag, slowly pulling off her jacket, coming close to her ear.. breathing down her neck while she leans back into you,, oh she was helpless, and now she couldn't hide her boner,, not when you were literally cupping it in your hands, chuckling softly in her ear when she whimpered,,

poor baby has never had her cock touched by anyone before :((( so she couldn't help but want more :(( "aw, baby, you need a lot of help, don't you? look how hard you are..." you were saying, watching as her dick grew and grew inside her pants sjdbffjfjjf making her take off her pants only,, the sight of this girl's big cock poking through her boxers, stained with precum, did things to your body but you had to be professional... after all, you couldn't just give your body away for free 👀

"ah, right. i'm still at work," yujin nearly whined when you separated from her and left the bed . standing in front of yujin, who was breathing heavily, fogging up her glasses, hair kind of a mess around her face but she was still the cutest thing you have ever seen 😩😩 "one rule: no touching, yet. be good and i'll reward you handsomely, yujin-ssi, deal?" you asked as you unzipped your dress . yujin nodded desperately, and you could swear you could just reach over and pinch her cheeks . but no, you had a job to do! 😤

yujin's jaw dropping slightly when your dress slid down your body, leaving you in your lingerie that gave yujin many many thoughts... thoughts of her ripping that bra off your body and feeling your tits in her hands, very vivid thoughts of her pulling your panties to the side and fucking your ass,, but no touching, you said... and yujin could definitely be a good girl, for now! 😏

the big loser staying frozen in her seat while you danced around her 😭 she kept her hands tucked underneath your thighs, doing everything in her power to bite down a moan as you pushed your ass against her bulge.. she was feeling dizzy... she could now see why gaeul loved these kinds of things so much 😵‍💫 turning around and straddling her, hands all over her toned body while you grinded your pussy on her cock... you couldn't resist holding the girl's face and kissing her, which you didn't normally do considering your customers didn't behave half as well as she did 😳😳 she was a good kisser too.. bravely pushing her tongue inside your mouth, actually making you moan.. then you're leaving kisses on her cheek, her jawline, her neck where you made sure to leave a mark.. and then you feel her body tense up, and you're hearing her moan...

"love, did you just come?" you asked with a laugh sjdbfjksf yujin hiding her face in your chest, ears all red, and that was all you needed to know 😭😭😭 "aww... i guess it is about time, anyway. you did a good job." you pet the girl's head before getting off her lap, and then you kneeled down on the floor, smiling innocently at the girl while you slowly pulled off her boxers.. dear god was her cock big!

"w-w-what are you about to do...?" she asked, both scared and horny out of her mind.

"you'll see."

and then yujin was whimpering :(( clutching the bedsheets tightly while you stroked her cock :(( then you leaned in and licked off her cum from earlier, making the girl moan loudly at the feeling of your tongue on her dick for the first time 😵‍💫 baby was so sensitive 🥺 nearly crying bcs it all just felt too good, losing her head when you circled her tip with your tongue,,, just falling in love with her voice and how cute she was making the smallest noises when you do anything at all🥺🥺

finally taking her cock in your mouth.. the poor girl struggling to keep her noises in 😵‍💫 head thrown back, legs already quivering, shaking her head as you steadily took in all of her length.. mistaking that action as the baby not liking this at all, so you pulled away, concerned :(

"would you like for me to stop?"

"w-what? no, i... it felt good.. do you want to stop? cuz i can l-leave if you don't actually want to do this... i wouldn't want to force you or anything..." oh, she was too cuteeee :(((((

ofc you didn't want to stop, this girl's cock was to die for.. so you went back onto slowly sucking her off, sometimes looking up to have a glimpse of her face, all flushed and red... "unnie, you're r-really pretty..." she says suddenly??? 😭😭😭 if it were anybody else, you would have rolled your eyes but something about this girl just made your heart skip a beat :((

finally moving your head up and down at a moderate pace, yujin's fingers threading your hair and she was moaning so much 🥺 "unnie.. unnie..!" such an endearing girl! 😵‍💫😵‍💫 yujinnie being driven by pleasure alone that she puts both of hands on your head and started controlling your pace.. all she wanted now was to come in her pretty unnie's mouth, so she was moving you fast, grunting as she dug her nails into your scalp... you didn't mind the pain at all, you wanted this girl's cum down your throat 😳

choking a bit while yujin finally came, the girl holding your mouth down on her cock not really realizing that it had gotten hard to swallow considering you could barely breathe sjdbfjisfk "oh! s-shit, sorry unnie... i'm sorry..." she was saying after you've forced yourself out of her hold,, see you should be pissed bcs she made a mess out of you but you were smiling at her, you might have a little crush now!

and ofc you cleaned her up with your tongue, you would be crazy to waste her cum 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 helping the loser put her jacket back on, feeling your chest warm up when she shyly pulled you in and kissed you 🥺 "unnie... can i see you again?" she was asking as if this was a first date 😭😭 you really could not express enough how cute she really was.

"of course. just ask for '(y/n)', and i'll be here."

yujin smiles widely "(y/n)... (y/n)-unnie... okay!"

it was safe to say that you crumpled up into a ball, giggling to yourself after she left 😩 it was the yujin effect 🤭🤭

[anikaluv]

Can I request a short drabble with miles reaction to finding out abt myles and reader dating? No problem if you can't! I really enjoyed the second part <333

STICK TOGETHER —

❤︎︎ pairing: Miles (e!42) × fem!reader

❤︎︎ genre: fluff

❤︎︎ cw: Miles being a lil sad :( , happy ending though

❤︎︎ summary: Miles learning that you and Myles are dating

❤︎︎ w/c: 600

❤︎︎ a/n: I had no planning of making a part three to this, but I’ll do it for you anon <3

PART ONE PART TWO

You and Myles had been dating for a few weeks now, secretly, and that was becoming a challenge. You both knew why you kept it hidden; if you didn't, there was a chance that Miles would find out. However, both of you were tired of sneaking around. You wanted to love each other openly without worrying about who might see.

The decision was made – it was time to tell Miles the truth.

Planning this conversation took some time, considering your busy schedules as Myles and Miles handled their respective prowler and Spiderman duties. But eventually, the moment arrived when you all found an opportunity to sit down and talk things through. The atmosphere was a mix of anticipation and nervousness as you three walked into the Morales home to begin the conversation.

You and Myles sat in Miles' room on his bed, holding hands, while Miles sat on his desk chair, looking at the two of you. He wondered why there was this sudden talk you both needed to have with him, and he hoped to get an answer to why you were brushing off every time he brought up having a second chance to go on a date with you.

Myles, being Miles' twin and knowing him best, took the lead in explaining the situation. He carefully explained the feelings you both had for each other and how difficult it had been to keep it a secret. You nodded in agreement, affirming his words.

As Myles spoke, you could see the surprise and emotions playing across Miles' face. He listened intently, processing the information. You were anxious, not knowing how he would react, but you knew you couldn’t lie to your best friend anymore.

After a moment of silence, Miles finally spoke, "So, you two have been dating this whole time?" You nodded your head, confirming his shock. His tone held a touch of disappointment, and you felt a pang of guilt; you could tell he was disappointed. You reached out and rubbed Miles on his knee. "We wanted to tell you, but we were scared you would think we betrayed you. We're sorry."

Miles hummed, taking everything in. You were scared. What if you were about to lose your best friend? But then, Miles turned from you and looked dead into Myles' eyes, with a serious demeanor.

"Do you make her happy?" His tone was deep, serious. Miles leaned forward in his chair, awaiting Myles' answer, studying his moves. Myles looked back at him with the same face, speaking back with the same tone. "Damn right I do," he smirked at you, making you blush.

Miles grinned at seeing your face light up like that. He relaxed back in his chair. "Then just keep her happy, man, and we won't have any problems," he said nonchalantly. You and Myles exchanged glances, still slightly suspicious. Was that all?

"Oh, and one more thing," Myles started, looking back between the two of you, going back to the same serious demeanor. "Whatever you two do, make sure you stick together, okay? Last thing I need is my two favorite people hating each other," he joked.

Miles laughed as you giggled. You both looked at each other for a while coming to a silent agreement and smiled brightly, an understanding passing between both of you. Then, turning back to Miles, you both spoke in unison.

"I think we can do that."

ENDING A/N: Some people were wondering how Miles would react to the two of you dating. I felt he would be kinda bummed out at first, but ya'll are two of the most important people in his life; so if you'd make eachother happy, he'd be okay with it.

TAGLIST: @janaeby @bellstwd @nmgstuff @axeoverblade @zaddyskye69 @agstuffsworld @spidrstar @laylasbunbunny @missusmorales @popeheywardssecretgf @lumineliax

TAGS:

[chaenniz]

could you do a haerin ff abt a movie night type thing after surprising you after a bad day?

p.s. i still love you - kang haerin x reader

A/N ;; this ones short too 💀💀 wrote this listening to this,,,, angst coming soon…. maybe..

genre :: fluff

wc ;; 780

you trudged through the front door of your apartment, shoulders slumped and heart heavy.

it had been a long day at university, filled with deadlines, last-minute changes, and a never-ending stream of emails from your colleagues.

i mean, seriously, who decides to change the thesis statement last minute after you had already collected all the evidence for the previous one you had before?

all you wanted to do was crawl into bed and forget the world existed after such a last minute change, unsure of whether or not the fully drafted submitted paper even met the rubric.

as you kicked off your shoes and dropped your bag on the floor, you heard a faint sound coming from the living room.

you frowned, wondering if you had left the tv on by accident earlier, but then you realized that it was music.

soft, soothing music, the kind that made you feel like everything was going to be okay.

you followed the sound and found your cat-eyed girlfriend, kang haerin, sitting on the couch with a small smile resting on her face.

she was wearing a cozy sweater and sweatpants, her hair pulled back in a messy bun. she had a bowl of popcorn on her lap and a movie playing on the tv. she had also set up various snacks on the table in front of her.

"hey," she greeted you, her voice warm and welcoming. "how was your day?"

you sighed and plopped down next to her, leaning your head on her shoulder. "it was rough. i'm just glad it's over."

haerin wrapped her arm around you and gave you a squeeze. "well, i have something that might make you feel better."

you raised an eyebrow. "oh?"

she nodded and gestured to the tv. "i read your texts earlier, so i rented your favorite movie, and i made some popcorn. i thought we could have a movie night and forget about the real world for a little while."

you looked at her, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. haerin always knew just what you needed, even when you didn't know yourself. you smiled and leaned in for a kiss, grateful for her thoughtfulness.

"thank you," you whispered into her ear, your voice soft. "this is exactly what i needed."

haerin grinned and hit play on the movie. the familiar opening credits rolled across the screen, and you snuggled closer to her, feeling your worries slip away.

as the movie played, you found yourself getting lost in the story, the characters, the music. you laughed at the funny parts, cried at the sad parts, and felt your heart swell at the romantic parts. you couldn't remember the last time you had felt so relaxed.

during a particularly emotional scene, you felt haerin’s hand slip into yours. you looked over and saw her watching you with a gentle expression.

"are you okay?" she asked, her voice soft.

you nodded, feeling a lump form in your throat. "yeah. i'm just...really grateful for you, haerin. you always know how to make me feel better."

haerin smiled and squeezed your hand. "that's what girlfriends are for, right?"

you leaned in and kissed her, feeling a surge of love and gratitude. she had been your rock throughout the past year, supporting you through the ups and downs of life. you couldn't imagine where you would be without her.

as the movie ended and the credits rolled, you realized that you felt different.

lighter, happier, more at peace. haerin had given you a gift that was more valuable than anything money could buy: her time, her attention, her love.

"thank you," you said again, turning to face her. "that was perfect."

haerin grinned and leaned in for another kiss. "i’m glad you enjoyed it. and who knows, maybe we can make this a regular thing. movie nights with the girlfriend."

you laughed and pulled her close, feeling a sense of contentment wash over you. with haerin by your side, you felt like you could conquer anything.

you snuggled into her embrace, feeling utterly grateful for this moment of peace and happiness.

"i would love that," you said, smiling up at her. "movie nights with my favorite person.”

haerin's face lit up with joy, and she leaned in to kiss you once more. "you're my favorite person too, you know that?"

you felt your heart swell with love, and you hugged her tightly. "i do now."

as you sat there in each other's arms, basking in the warmth of the moment, you knew that no matter what the future held, you would always have each other.

and that was enough to make any rough day worth it.

A/N ;; when will it be my turn fr ⁉️⁉️

[b4rbi3l4nd]

SOS — bad as i wanna be yours

I THINK Y'ALL MIGHT LIKE WHAT GOES DOWN IN THIS CHAPTER IF YOU'RE SO DAMN UPSET ABT THE BABY LMFAO. Also I plan on continuing this series based off some of my fav songs on the albums so don't worry, it may seem like it's over but it is NOT, also a lot of y'all kept ASKING how Malia got pregnant, WELLL, first of all it's Wakanda, they probably got some vibranium super sperm or something and NEXT JUST IGNORE THAT AND SAY FANFICTION MAGIC Y'ALL. Also the only marvel movies/series I can watch without skipping through like dialogue or dozing off is the Black Panther movies and WandaVision so if these personalities do not match the MCU characters then MY BAD, ALSO LIKE THINKING OF HAVING A Y/N x PETER SERIES COMING IN SOON BC I ALREADY HAVE THE IDEA. IF THIS ALSO DOES NOT MATCH THE CORRECT MCU TIMELINE THEN MY BAD AGAIN, NOT A MARVEL FANATIC FR, I JUST CARE ABT BLACK PANTHER AND WANDA💀😦OR MAYBE A MODERN AVATAR SERIES? HM? OR NOT LMAO

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐋

GIF by mandalor-din

series summary: you broke up with shuri a few years ago and left wakanda for good until namor. now that he's killed the queen and multiple wakandan civilians, he's seen as a great threat and as former second in command at shuri's lab and wakanda's loyal warrior it is your duty to return and fight for your country. but a certain somebody makes the mission way too hard to deal with.

episode summary: after the night with shuri, you're feeling way too uncomfortable around her, especially since you kept getting flashbacks the whole day, you thought she'd felt the same way but no, absolutely opposite. paired up with that, a surprise at the palace causes the final war to break out...or is it?

genre: ANGST, slow, slow, slow burn, fluff

pairing: shuri x black fem reader

episode warnings: mature dialogue, suggestive dialogue, suggestive scenes, cursing, trauma, shouting, mentions of death, suicide, missing people etc. this is a series. you are currently looking at the fourth chapter of the series, please go to my profile to read the previous chapters before continuing (if you haven't read the other chapters yet, if so, please continue)

taglist: @yvxmpire, @sweetalittleselfish-honey, @xxmilli, @queenofsimpsblog, @ziayamikaelson, @shuriislut, @atssukoo, @widowmakker, @cuddl3s4shur1, @n7cje, @ts1mp0ne, @locoforshuri

proofread?: no but if there are errors then it's grammarly's fault.

word count: girl idfk

inspirations: 'SOS' — SZA

song: 'Love Language' — SZA

send your thoughts and requests

▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱▰▱

You rub your eyes before blinking repeatedly and looking around. The first thing you feel as your senses come to is the arms of someone around you.

Memories immediately come flooding to your mind as your mouth dropped to the floor wide open.

"Tonight, baby i want you."

"I love when you wear that sthandwa"

"Fuck, I love when you get vocal entle.

"Hm...? It's just one finger baby, you can take more than that right?"

You stopped your mind from spitting out more dirty words that Shuri said to you last night. You took deep breaths before looking over at your phone on the nightstand.

10:30 AM.

You put your hands on hers, slowly removing them from your body. As you tried to free from her grip, she just tightened them and pulled you even closer. You could feel her breath on your neck.

Fuck was she awake?

You slowly turned around in the bed till you were face to face with her. She was so beautiful in her sleep, her curls just perfectly falling in place in her face.

You shook your head.

Stay focused Y/N.

You tried again, this time, grabbing a pillow and putting it in your place before rolling out of bed.

Once you got out, you sighed and then looked at yourself in the mirror. Her t-shirt was bunched up on your hips, completely exposing the lower half of your body. You looked around for your lingerie, slipping the lower half on. The panties with the stockings and ribbons at the knee.

You looked around, grabbing all your clothes, your phone and your stuff and piling it in your hands before slowly exiting the apartment.

You sighed, closing the door carefully as you leaned against the wall.

Bast..what was I thinking..

Your mind wandered back to last night, just thinking about the pleasure made your knees buckle.

"OH SHURI, SHURI, YES, YES, YES!" You moaned out in pleasure as your vision turned white.

"That's it baby...keep going." Shuri groaned in your ear as she quickened her pace, you held onto her arm, feeling her restraint.

You bit your lip, bringing yourself back to reality as you slinked back along the walls. You had to get to your room without getting noticed.

It took a while, especially with a bunch of Dora Milaje warriors and guards roaming around the castle. You finally got out your key and placed it against the door, opening the door to your room.

You sighed, closing your door quietly as you placed your head against it.

"Where were you last night?"

Shit.

You turned around to be met with Riri. Her hands were on her hips as she looked at you up and down, raising an eyebrow at your attire.

"Riri...I fucked up."

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"YOU HAD SEX WITH THE QUEEN?!"

"SHHHH! SOMEONE MIGHT HEAR YOU!" You shushed Riri loudly as she slapped her hands over her mouth.

"Y/N, do you know how BAD that is. Um, not only is she the QUEEN OF WAKANDA AND YOUR BOSS but she's also your ex?! What were you thinking?! When I said we wanted them panties dropping, I didn't mean by HER!"

"I know, I know, it's just...I was just not thinking straight, at all."

Riri sighed deeply, sitting down on your bed before patting a spot next to you.

"Well, it already happened, just tell me you guys used protection?"

You blinked a couple times before looking off to the side, your mouth folding inwards.

"Omg, you didn't use protection?! Okay, at least tell me that she pulled out or something!"

You look down, distinctively remembering her pushing up against you, the feeling of just her filling you up.

"Okay, has this turned to mission: get a baby or what?! First it's Malia, now it's you!"

"It's fine! Okay, I'll just...get on the pill!" You throw yourself back on your bed, putting a hand on your stomach.

"You weren't on the pill before?"

"Why would I be? I haven't had sex in 4 years."

"Wow that's sad...God, that's sad."

"I'm a grown woman, okay. I don't need to have sex to properly function." You turned around in your spot as Riri thought for a moment.

"Well, how was it?"

"Really good....really...really..good."

"O-kay then...what did she say? Was her words slurring? Because if so then she was drunk and she might wake up not remembering anything so you might be in the clear."

"No...no, she was very much sober, especially after the bath.."

"Y'ALL SHOWERED TOGETHER?! Y/N!" Riri stood up, shocked and you soon followed after, standing with her.

"I know! I know okay but she just always did aftercare..she even used the little panther bath bombs I always loved..but.." You trailed off, looking to the side, worry spread across your face.

"What? But what?" Riri asked, looking at you with concern.

"She kept calling me nicknames and pet names like...baby and my love and beautiful and she referred to her bed as our bed AND...she said she loved me...on multiple occasions, even when she rocked me to sleep, she kept whispering sweet nothings...Riri, I'm folding." You fold your arms together to keep your knees from buckling. Her voice just did stuff to you.

"No, no, no, no, no, no. Y/N, get a grip of yourself, you're a grown-ass woman. Okay? Look, this is only gonna open up a world of problems, I mean if she was sober, telling you that she loves you?! God..." She looked at you as you bit your lip.

"I got it!" You raised your hands up with a nervous smile. "I'll just ignore her, she probably feels regret like I do so, we just won't speak for a long time till we have to."

And that's exactly what you did for the rest of the day, you ignored her. You went to the lab extra late that day so you blended in with the extra people, making it harder for her to see you. You strictly stayed downstairs even though some of the stuff you needed was on the second floor but you knew she'd be there so you made custom parts. Whenever she came into view, you'd immediately turn around and hide behind something or someone. She even called out your name a few times but you just kept quiet, you really didn't want that awkward after-sex conversation.

And everything was pretty going great with your plan, except for the random flashbacks during the day. It was now lunch time and you were heading over to the cafe where you normally met up with Riri. As you entered the huge place, you scanned the room, immediately noticing Shuri sitting at a table with M'Baku, Nakia and Okoye. Riri was sitting on the other side of the room, headphones in and eating her food.

You sighed. As you looked back at Shuri, you noticed she was already looking at you and you quickly diverted eye contact. Out of your peripheral vision, you noticed her walking towards you and you quickly made your way over to the counter, ordering your food.

You tapped your foot impatiently, waiting for your food, knowing she was getting closer. You looked with a side eye, noticing she had stopped and was distracted by someone. Once your food finally came, you took it and practically sprinted over to Riri, sitting at the table, sighing.

"Oh my God, she was walking over to me.." You start rambling, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down.

"Just take your time Y/N." Riri said, taking off her headphones. "You think she forgot already?"

"Hopefully."

You settle, looking down at your food as you pick up a fork but you freeze when you feel someone's hands on your shoulders.

"Hey," Shuri said, moving her hands over to your waist.

"Heyyyy..." you mutter out as she moved her lips over to your neck. You looked over at Riri who had a shocked face and was motioning with her eyes over to the door.

"Um...actually..." You stopped her before she could start kissing your neck, standing up as she stood up straight, looking at you confused.

"I need to go take care of...stuff." You smile weakly at her and exit the cafe.

"I'll go...check on her with the...stuff." Riri stands up, rushing after you, leaving Shuri lost.

You sigh as you push open the doors to the throne room, sitting down on a chair. You smoothen out your dress, running your hands on your thighs before looking out the large windows to calm yourself down.

"What was that out there?!" Riri says, walking in behind you.

You turn over to Riri, shrugging. "I don't know, she just came up to me and started kissing my neck, I don't know if she thinks we're dating now..."

"I mean you 2 fucked...and she said she loved you, that's like a dating thing right?" Riri asked, sitting in front of you.

"I'm not sure.."

"But do you love her?"

"I do. Of course, I do...surprisingly never stopped."

"Well, then you wanna date her right?"

You paused at this. Did you wanna date her?

"Of...course..." You trailed off, looking to the side, sounding unsure.

"Y/N..?" Shuri asked, opening the doors to the throne room.

"I'll...leave you 2 be." Riri stood up, walking out the room as Shuri walked in, sitting across from you.

It was an awkward silence for a bit before Shuri spoke up. "I'm sorry if what I did in the cafe made you uncomfortable I just thought...-"

"No, no it's fine." You stopped her, giving her a smile.

"Um, about last night." She started, looking at you.

"Oh God.." you muttered under your breath, feeling a wave of embarrassment.

"I want you to know that I wasn't drunk or under the influence when I said all that stuff..I really mean it, I do love you and I know I said that I wasn't gonna ask you to be my girlfriend or anything I just...I really missed you Y/N." She took your hands in hers as she stared you deep in the eye. "I want to explore us again...I want to be your girlfriend Y/N."

Your breath hitched at her declaration of love. You slightly frowned. "And it's not that I don't want that it's just...there are things about me that you don't know."

"So tell me, tell me everything Y/N." Shuri leaned in closer as you bit your lower lip.

"It's not that simple.." You released your hands from her grip, looking down, tears watering in your eyes. Whenever you thought about it, those memories flooded your mind, horribly.

Shuri didn't say anything and looked at you before sighing and standing up. "It's fine, just forget about last night." She turned around, taking a deep breath as she started her way to the door.

"I can't just forget about last night Shuri.." You choke out, looking up and to the side as she shook her head, not even turning her head to you.

"Just keep things professional..okay?" She opened the door to the throne room as you looked down.

You really didn't want to fuck everything up again but you just didn't like talking about it, talking about her. You choked on your words, blinking back your tears as you fiddled with your fingers.

"It was when I left Wakanda." You made out as you heard the throne room door close.

"You don't have to share if you don't want to..." Shuri turned back around, walking over to you and sitting down.

"No, no, listen..." You look up, wiping away tears, taking a shaky breath in and out. "I was...working with the avengers...recruited by Stark."

Your mind flashed back to 4 years ago when Tony Stark recruited you. You shook hands with him, smiling as he smiled back.

"Gotta make room for new growing minds right?" Tony said.

"Yes sir." You nervously said, pushing up your glasses.

It was the first time you've seen Tony smile when he wasn't with his wife and you really didn't want to get him riled up.

You had your hair in an afro and you were wearing a dark blue suit jacket with a matching skirt, white pumps and white pearls.

As you exited the office in Stark Industries, you bumped into a tall white woman with ginger hair in a black suit.

"Hey, you must be the new recruit, right? I'm Natasha Romanoff" She held out her hand for a handshake and you shook it.

"Y/N Amadi." You say, your Wakandan accent seemingly very strong because she noticed right away.

"Wakandan?" She raised an eyebrow as you nodded your head. "So you're like the smart one, like Shuri right?"

At the mention of her name, you looked down slightly and then nodded again, the sight of her crying and begging you not to go on the floor still fresh in your mind.

"Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah just had a lot on my mind, what were you saying?" You look back up at the woman as she looked to the side and then back at you.

"Come meet my team, you're going to be working with us for some time anyway." She took your hand, leading you over to a different room.

"Everything was fine for a while until I met her."

You noticed another younger woman, she was ginger as well and you approached her.

"Hi, I'm...Y/N, you?"

She turned around to face you, almost seeming shy before she smiled at you with her green eyes.

"I'm Wanda."

"Wanda was my first friend, she showed me around a lot, we worked together but she could get very emotional and sometimes she scared me when talking about her lover? Vision..a robot. She would have me work on him, even when Tony told us he was off limits."

"Are you sure we're supposed to be here?" Your voice was timid as you jumped the fence with Wanda and she rolled her eyes slightly.

"Yes, come on, Vision is in this building." She led you over to the huge building, government territory.

You scanned a fake card that wanda had you make as you guys entered the territory. She led you through the building and down into some sort of lab where a huge blanket sheet was on a table.

She flipped on the lights and then carefully walked over to the table, taking off the sheet revealing the most beautiful and well crafted robot you've ever seen.

"Oh my Bast...and you say he's like a human?" You walk along the sides of the table as Wanda admired him.

"Yes, Vision can talk, walk, act like one..." She sighed at him before looking up at you. "But the government has kept him here out of unfairness."

"Are you positive, they kept him here because they are unfair?" You raised an eyebrow at Wanda. "Maybe they kept him here for other reasons..-"

"No. I know the government, they want to take my vision from me, which is why you must help me. Please Y/N, I'm your best friend, remember?" She took your hands in hers and you turned to the side, looking away slightly before nodding.

"Alright but I don't want Tony to know, or else I'll lose my job and if the government finds out, I'll be put in a federal prison or executed."

"They won't. We'll start off small, you'll help restore Vision and then when he's good to go, I'll take him away. It'll be safe, I promise."

"And so I agreed. We would go over to the lab, nightly. Every day and we wouldn't leave until the sun shone over. As time passed on though, there was this thing, gem...stone rather in Vision's head and with more work done to him, the more it glowed. I realized soon that it would be dangerous to continue working on him, especially since I didn't know the dangers of this gem."

"You'll be fine Y/N, it's just used to power Vision, continue quickly. They'll soon get here." Wanda rushed you but you shook your head.

"No, it's glowing unnaturally, I can't continue to work on it."

"Y/N, you're just being paranoid, come on. We have to go soon."

"No, Wanda...look." You reached over to touch the stone but that's when your pupils went white and the gemstone turned black.

"Y/N!" was all you heard before footsteps and then you blacked out.

"I woke up in prison. Federal prison. We got caught...well, I got caught. Wanda got away and I later found out that she made a town with Vision and...whatever, but still. I was right about that gemstone. You know those dark purple things you saw come out the other day..yeah, we're...getting there."

"Who...who are you..?!" You speak out, sitting on the floor, backing away as a shadowy figure was standing in the center of the room, staring back at you.

Your glasses were broken and you were in federal prison by now, changed into gray and white clothes.

"I am dar, your companion forever. You summoned me, remember?" The figure walked towards you before a disfigured smile formed on it's face and it stretched your mouth out, open wide and then entered inside you, feet first and then the body.

God, it was terrifying and the person watching the surveillance camera was later put in a ward.

"I later found out it was a she and she was tethered to me. She was a virus I apparently created. When I worked with Vision, I was supposed to take out the gem but we didn't and whenever errors were made, I thought I erased them but...it just went into the gem until it became uncontrollable. I basically cursed myself with some magical coding shit, I don't know. I gave myself powers in the WORST wat imaginable and she's really only released with pent-up rage or sadness..."

You looked up at Shuri who was just staring back at you with an unreadable expression. You buried your face in your head, sighing.

"I know..I know, I sound stupid, I know."

"No, no, you don't, it's just that that's a lot. I'm sorry..- thank you for telling me." She reached out to touch your hand and you let her.

"Well, I didn't want it to seem like I was rejecting you...because I'm not."

You two look at each other in comfortable silence as you share a weak smile. She looked like she was about to say something but that's when the doors to the throne room burst open and a dora milaje warrior rushed in.

"Malia...she's gone.!"

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You and Shuri rushed through the hallways with the warrior following you as you entered the infirmary, horrified with what you saw.

The doctor's stomach was gutted open and there was a tear in the vibranium wall, separating the cell from the rest of the palace.

You pressed your hand over your mouth as you looked down at the woman's lifeless body on the ground, her eyes wide open, seeing everything and nothing.

"What happened here?!" Shuri asked, looking over to the warrior.

"Nalaji...she was giving Malia her lunch but as she opened up the barrier to place the food in, Malia suddenly lashed out and attacked her. No weapons were found, none was there a trace of any vibranium used in the crime scene except for the wall."

You look into the cell and there was a plate of food scattered all across the floor.

"THE BORDERS!" Shuri rushed out to the infirmary as a loud alarm went off. It took you some time as you stumbled out of the room, following the sound of Shuri's voice, leading you over to the lab.

"My Queen...your girlfriend, Y/N has entered the lab."

"Thank you Griot." Shuri sounded annoyed as she waved through some work on the top floor, people scurrying around.

Despite all the chaos, it caused some butterflies in your chest that Shuri had programmed Griot to call you her girlfriend and ACTUALLY say your name...it was better than being called "unknown woman" every time you entered the lab.

You rushed over to your working space, and opening your laptop but you were deterred away from the computer as you heard screaming. You looked up at the windows to be met with the horrific sight of some warriors at the water borders completely dead and gutted, a rip made in the borders.

"SECURE ALL THE BORDERS!" Shuri ordered as warriors and people rushed out of the lab as directions were dished out to everyone.

"Are the ships ready for battle?" Shuri asked one of the people at the lab.

"Yes, my queen."

"Good. We're bringing the battle over to them. If they think they can just come and kill my people, they are horribly mistaken."

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"YIMBAMBE!" Shuri shouted out, raising her fist out into the air as the Wakandan warriors repeated.

"YIMBAMBE!" They repeated.

"YIMBAMBE!"

"YIMBAMBE!"

You looked out to the water as Namor and the Talokans emerged and jumped onto the ships, and immediately the fighting began.

"You blue people were better in Avatar..." You scoffed as you grabbed the daggers from your back pockets, ready to face them off.

As a warrior approached you, heading for a punched, you grabbed her fist and threw her down on the floor, slicing her throat open, then you turned around quickly, punching another one coming behind you, throwing them across the ship as the landed hard on the floors. You stepped back, looking at the scene. It had just started and bodies were already dropping.

You fought off more people before noticing Namor. You ran straight for him but he turned around just in time, grabbing your neck, lifting you up in the air.

You gasped for air as you looked down, moving one leg so far back and then kicked him with maximum power, right in the groin and then moving another leg to kick him in the neck.

His grip on you loosened as you fell to the floor, you grabbed a spear slicing at his thigh, causing him to fall over. Your eyes were like slits now as you were looking at him with pure hatred. You wanted to kill him, drive your hand right through his chest and bring out his heart.

"You took my dad from me." You spat at him, bringing your foot to his neck, pressing harder.

"DAD!" You heard a familiar voice shriek as you look up, brought face to face with Malia. She was in a warrior outfit and she looked at you with anger burning in her eyes.

You quickly looked down, grabbing Namor by the hair, pulling him up.

"Y/N...unhand my father now." Malia said, hissing at you as you scoffed.

"You can say that about your dad but guess what, can't say that about my dad now can I? Where was this attitude when your father over here drowned his grave..hm?" You looked over at Namor, stepping on one of his wings as you held a dagger up to his throat.

You looked straight at Malia, your eyebrows furrowed as you narrowed your eyes in on her.

"A father...for a father. A life, for a life."

You sliced his neck open before throwing him across the ship. His body fell into a ship that flew up nearby. The dehydration tank.

As much as you wished you did slice his neck open...you didn't. You cut deep enough to bleed but shallow enough not to hit a nerve.

"NO!" Malia cried out as she watched it all unfold in front of her. She turned to you, her eyes burning with rage but yours was burning just the same, maybe even harder.

"AH!" She rushed towards you with a punch but you quickly dodged her, spears in hands as you made a fist.

"YOU WANNA DANCE BITCH?! COME ON!" You shouted at her as you stood your ground. She stood in her fighting stance, across from you.

You both circled each other until she finally rushed up to you with a kick but you caught it with your hands, turning around and swiftly kicking her square in the tummy, sending her flying across the ship.

You watch as she sharply hit the edge, banging her head and her back hardly.

You stood up straight and paid attention to her body movement. She stood up slowly, eyes wide as she looked down to her legs.

Confused, your eyes followed hers before your eyes widened. Blood slowly dripped down her legs as she muttered out..

"My baby.."

"Fuck."

Although you didn't like her, you know how it feels to have a miscarriage and you felt an extreme wave of guilt knowing you caused it too.

You rushed over to her side as she fell to her knees, clutching her tummy. Her head lowered as you got on your knees, next to her.

"Oh my...shit..are you okay?" You panic, looking at her.

"No...but I will be."

Was all you heard again before your mouth opened, wide, blood trickling out. You looked down to see she had plunged a spear straight through your stomach...your own spear.

"Fuck...you.." was all you could mutter out till you saw Shuri and Namor on a flying ship...and then you blacked out.

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You woke up about 2 weeks later in the lab. Your eyes darted open as you looked up at everything. Shuri was at your side, holding your hand and as you immediately woke up, she grabbed you, hugging you tightly.

"Don't ever scare me like that, ever again.." She said, choking on her words.

You hugged her back but immediately felt guilt. You pull back from Shuri and look at her. "Malia is no longer pregnant.." You bite your lip as she stays silent before nodding.

"She was on the battlefield when she lost the baby...the cause is unknown but it's..tragic."

You knew that Shuri wants kids..or well at least she used to when you guys were together. She would often talk about raising her own family but that was years ago. It would explain why she wanted Malia to keep the baby so bad.

"Do you...have a lead on who did it?" You ask, your voice raising as Shuri shook her head.

"No..but when we find out who did it, I'll kill them."

You gulp. Okay, then.

"Sorry, it's just..I saw this child as a way to get the family I always wanted back..yknow?"

"Yeah...I'm sorry for your loss.." You looked down as Shuri sighed.

"It's not your fault."

But it was..

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You paced around the room, biting your nail frantically and impatiently. You were currently trying to add up the dates because today, as well as yesterday and the days before, you've been waking up terribly sick.

You just thought it was a side effect from almost dying so many times, blacking out and all, and also a side effect from dar but that wasn't it. It didn't add up..at all. So..you decided to take a pregnancy test. But not just one, multiple.

3 American ones and 4 Wakandan ones, just to be sure. Beeping filled the bathroom as you turned off the timer, looking at the pregnancy tests, your eyes wide.

Positive...positive...positive....positive...positive...positive...positive.

"FUCK." You sit down on the closed-lid toilet burying your face in your hands. It's been around 3 weeks since you and Shuri were intimate and you hadn't even realized when you missed your period because of the drama going on at the palace.

"Y/N! You in here?" Shuri entered your apartment as she walked around then into the bathroom, looking down at you, raising an eyebrow. "You okay?"

You look up to her, worry in your face as take a deep sigh.

"I'm pregnant."

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[bcofl0ve]

making of the masters of the air: a wwii museum event

will do my own “and supporters like you” pbs-core spiel since that’s essentially what they did at the beginning, speaking more so to my austin fandom folks here, shows like masters of the air wouldn’t exist without the bravery of the people they’re about and the people and organizations dedicated to keeping that history alive. this was free to watch but i threw $10 to the museum anyways and encourage y’all to match me and donate too if you’re able to which you can do here. $10 is like, 3ish days of coffee money! (which i say knowing that to some people $10 is a lot of money- but y’all know my heart.)

this is reminding me that i need to watch band of brothers and pacific over my winter break

watching the trailer again…anthony boyle you come to me as someone i picked apples with in papa’s orchard

kirk mentioned that they’ve been working on this for ten years and i didn’t know that!

first q was asking miller what pushed him to write mota: he talked abt growing up in a military family, said what pulled him towards writing about war is being interested in the stress of being under combat and mentioned reading a pysch case study book from someone who treated wwii air fighters for “combat fatigue” ie what we know now as ptsd.

“if you got to the sixth mission you had about a 0% chance of surviving”

talks about meeting a jewish pow named louis lovesky (might be spelling that last name wrong, will correct if i can figure it out) and that the first thing this guy said to him was that he could do 100 pushups and just dropped and did them- good for him!

.”when you’re hit in a plane whether you’re killed or not they strip your bed and your locker and send everything home” …was a prelude to a louis story about him being worried about him sending all his stuff home to his mom because he had a ton of condoms in his locker lol

“i was a virgin but i was very hopeful” - lou

over to kirk, talking about how they were originally working with hbo.

hbo came to them and said they wanted to do another wwii series and they were between a navy or airforce show. they initially thought about combining them but realized it wasn’t possible.

after reading mota closely it “became apparent” that was the way to go to story wise. cities the human detail and miller creating a whole visual descriptive world in his book.

“you make it so clear in your book, this is a form of combat that had never happened before and will probably never happen again”

“when we read masters of the air we read the story in the first part of the first chapter about the 100th bomb group…a group of guys who didn’t know each other before the war, and would’ve died for each other by the end of the war”

miller on why he chose egan and cleven to focus on: “i knew that men at the 100th bomb group just worshiped these guys, and they were so different. cleven didn’t like athletics, he didn’t drink, he was a one woman man and egan was the opposite, he was in the bars every night raising royal hell. totally different guys yet they bonded so closely together. they both get shot down at just about the same time.”

talking about rosenthal, says that was the guy he most respected. jewish kid from flatbush who loved the dodgers and loved jazz music. went to law school and aced it out, got a great job, and enlisted right after pearl harbor.: “as long as [hitler] he is running that country i’m flying my plane” ended up going home after getting shot down, got bored at his old law office and ended up going to be an attorney at nuremberg. (mollie note: i might be doing a study abroad program at the nuremberg next summer so this is super interesting to me). wanted to go the hangings because he thought it would be closure, said seeing them in prison clothing and gaunt etc it was closure for him. 

you can tell from how miller was talking that he truly admires rosenthal which i found very sweet.

kirk says egan and cleven reminded him of damon and pythias from greek legend, and rosenthal reminded him of galahad from arthurian legend.

austin butler name drop, turn up!!

kirk says making this differed from bands of brothers and pacific in that none of the men portrayed in the show are still alive so they didn’t get to meet them (save for miller), which meant the research was a lot more of an undertaking- but they did get to talk to some of their family members.

kirk talks about rosenethal’s grandson and son meeting the person that plays him in the show and how sweet that meeting was.

four primary locations during shooting and each was about the size of a small airport.

kirk talks about covid complicating things…i could not help but giggle a bit lol sorry austin

“one of the reasons i think this series works, hopefully, is the devotion to detail.”

kirk talks about bringing some of a local wwii museum staff on the ground in the uk to set and that they were very touched by how accurate was, a complement to the art and costumes department. 

miller mentions his first meeting with tom hanks and that tom was very insistent that everything that happened in the show had to have happened in real life and passionate about the accuracy

tom flew into small town pa to work at miller’s house and that his wife was very excited

they got tom at the airport and tom had suitcases of germany history books with him and 245 notecards and miller was like…dear god

kirk: this has to be the most difficult production, the logistics of this thing, says they’re still in post production even though it comes out in a month and a half.

kirk mentions john orloff and says when they invited him to join the project he threw himself into it completely

says john's challenge with the book was figuring out how to adapt in a way that was dramatically coherent

miller says john called him and they talked about gale cleven for like 8 hours, miller mentions being the only one that met any of them

kirk asks miller about meeting harry crosby, who is played in the show by anthony boyle and recommends his book “a wing and a prayer”, says he had a good sense of humor.

gale cleven got a phd in astrophysics and went on the be a president of a college (and an alcoholic, as miller tacked on at the end there lol)

two themes in the series:

the irony that war is impossible without love: why do they do it? they do it for each other. war is impossible without the love of the men for each other in impossible circumstances

how do those men keep getting back into those planes?

miller wanted to get away from the idea of “push button warfare” and that taking viewers inside the plane is an important part of that

seeing the missions reproduced, seeing the panic and fury and chaos inside the planes. there are no foxholes in the sky, where do you go? trying to take care of injured men mid air being hit, having to hit back etc etc, “it’s unbelievable what they suffered, the germans came so close they could see the eyes of the pilots”

the camera men had a tough time moving around inside the planes, speilberg had two b17s built from scratch which took 11 months. they built a 3rd one that allowed the camera men to go in the plane and film the close ups more easily.

kirk asks what separates it from just another combat story

providing some sort of context w/o being didactic. why? how do you answer the why without lecturing? 

audience questions, i missed the first one bc my browser crashed but i think someone asked if they filmed in actual flying planes?

which of course was a “well no”

kirk mentions there was dedication from everyone, from austin and calum to the set PAs

miller mentions looking at the labels on things in the bar and the papers in the office folders and how *everything* was accurate

2nd question asking how the fire fights were produced: kirk says some visual effects are still being worked on, gives very high praises to the special effects team.

mentions 100s and 100s of video screens creating what the environment would be outside of the airplanes to help the actors visualize it

miller says they filmed a plane landing by putting one of the b17s they built on a crane

3rd question is about airpower in wwii, miller talks about how in the beginning of bomb warfare it was extremely ineffective, says we evolved from that to doing serious damage on the german economy by hitting german oil.

miller starts to talk about something he was working on with kirk earlier in the day and kirk says we’re keeping that a secret, lol i wanna know what they were talking about! 

kirk mentions the psych impact of it going from 25 missions, to oh now it’s 30, oh now it’s 35. the guys knowing they were being used as bait to bring up the german fighters- that psych is what makes this more than just another adventure story

miller talks about how getting the guys mentally right to go back up into the planes they made them that way in the first place was quite the dilemma, when the only thing that could cure as guy really was saying you don’t have to fly again.

4th question “how much did this cost” lol

“let’s just say we’re over budget”

5th question about the ages of the actors vs the guys they played: kirk says one of the considerations was there being something about the young men of that time having to grow up fast, 24 then appeared a lot older than 24 today because of life experience.

says you tend to cast older for the believably.

miller told a very funny story about tim van patten creating a model of one of the battles with toys in the middle of the night.

hi hbo war and history tumblr friends, this is an austin butler blog run by someone with a hyperfixation for being an update blog and doing event coverage, so/but do feel free to come hang out as we enter the masters of the air era. i'll be covering every event like this that i can and am super excited for the show- i was at one point on americanrev/john laurens tumblr and am almost suprised i never ended up an hbo war "stan", though that might change here soon!

tags: @superbdinosaurharmony @purejasmine

[bosinclairz]

(un)apologetic

thinking abt how mean bo can be sometimes . im not talkin light shit . this wasn’t supposed to be a fic and it wasn’t supposed to end like this lol deeply inspired by @ventiswampwater’s fic squall ( go read it rn )

warnings; abuse , mentions of past abuse , broken bones, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, mommy kink , bo is a piece of shit in this , mentions of rough oral (m receiving) , sub!bo tho :3 , weird dynamic , stockholm syndrome , kinda ooc bo idk , bro suckin on nipples and is weird abt it fr , oral (f receiving) bo cries . i hate this this was a mistake lol my bad yall

—————

he’s not at all the perfect boyfriend . he won’t let you even call him that, but you’ve been in ambrose for two years now , the better half spent with his hand wrapped around your throat, telling you the awfullest things . most times you’ll wake up half way through the day , his cock buried so deep in your throat you’re sure he’s touching whatever’s left of your heart . it belonged to him anyways . other times you’d wake up kneeling in broken glass , bo screaming at you over this little mistake , and the feeling of his hand coming down harshly across your cheek you’re sure you’ve got whiplash now . stupid , you’ve already made a mess and now you’ve gone and gotten hurt doing so . or you’d wake up in the shop , watching bo work underneath a car as he mumbled about tools he needed you to grab for him . you remember when he broke your foot with a wrench once , the metal making short work of cracking your ankle . vincent was the one to wrap it up , and bo never helped you walk after that . you hobbled around everywhere until the pain subsided enough to walk at least a little normally . if you were good , he’d let you lean on him , maybe he’d even carry you back to the house . you always tried your best to appease him , but he’s unpredictable and you can never guess his moods or how he feels about you one minute versus the next .

this is no different . this isn’t something you could ever predict . you didn’t follow him down to the station today . he didn’t want you to . said you were getting on his nerves too much recently , said he couldn’t stand the sight of you . you slept on the couch last night , for the few hours that weren’t filled by your silent sobs . he came home and you almost didn’t recognize him as the cruel man you previously knew , but either way you greeted him with a smile . how was his day ? you asked , making movements to take off his shoes .

“long day, mama,” he muttered. it was so soft you could’ve sworn the sentence ended in a whine . “yeah? tell me about it?” after removing your captors shoes, you stood to full height , ushering him to the couch you had made your bed on . “been thinkin’ too much,” a whisper, “been pushin’ you away an’ i don’ know why.” poor baby , too in his head . who was really the unfortunate one here ? you wouldn’t dare voice this , he’d kill you without a second thought . he never liked being weak .

“lemme make it up t’ya, mama. lemme be good for ya,” his eyes , when they found their way to yours , were broken . he pawed at your chest , silently begging for your permission . you’ve only had the pleasure of seeing him like this twice before . you know what to do by now .

“go on, baby,” you whisper , voice shuddering as he starts to pull up your shirt . somewhere beneath your clothes , bo’s searching for forgiveness.

his mouth wraps around your nipple , sucking and nipping gently . he doesn’t ignore the other , pinching and tugging at it . comfort . he finds comfort in this . why tell you how he feels when he can show it , as long as you never bring this up again .

your hand finds it’s way into his hair, tugging on curls softly as your breath hitches with each tug of his teeth . “you’re so good to me, baby,” you murmur . he’s searching for penance in your warmth , needing to right all the wrongs within your arms . “i have to admit,” your voice is shaky, worrying your words will cause an unwanted shift, “what you said last night has been on my mind today, baby.” a whine .

baby blues open, looking up at you with the most guilt you’ve ever seen bo have . your nipple falls from his mouth , an apology spilling from his lips , “i didn’t mean it, mama, i promise.” it’s sweet , too sweet , and you’re sure the taste of it is rotting his teeth .

silence falls over the both of you , and you wonder who will break first .

you pull him up , your lips meeting his in a passionate kiss . unlike every other time , there’s no malice , no teeth , and maybe if you tasted him hard enough , there was love there . his love tastes like copper , the kind that spills from the fresh wounds he leaves on your skin , reminding you who you belong to . it tastes like gasoline , and a match .

bo is the first to pull back , desperate eyes meeting yours . “lemme make you feel good, mama.” a hand drifts between your thighs , cupping at your sex . “please?” it’s soft and if you weren’t waiting for it , you could’ve missed it .

“yeah - yeah, please, bo.” his body moves down , leaving kisses in his wake as he makes his way between your legs . bo’s tugging down your shorts , exposing your needy , wet core . you didn’t wear underwear anymore , bo’s ripped and torn them all to shreds . that was months ago , and by the way he looks at you , he must’ve forgotten .

“you’re a whore, mama, ain’t that right?” a smirk , and you wonder if this moment would end with a hand around your throat and his dick stuffed deep inside you . you hope it doesn’t . you like this softer side of him . he hasn’t hit you , yet .and if you’re lucky , he won’t .

“yes-“ you gasp as he laps at your cunt , licking up the juices . “you did this,” you mumble, “you gotta fix it. don’t you wanna fix it?” he’s silent , and whether that be from his mouth making you see stars , or from some response dying in his throat , you weren’t sure . but with the way he sucks at your clit , you didn’t much care .

you liked this . you liked this control . in this moment , he was yours in every sense of the word . you wondered if you’d met under other circumstances if it would’ve ended like this , him between your thighs , going down on you with so much fervor you thought he was starving man .

you felt a wetness , and for a moment you thought you must’ve cum without thinking until you realized it was tears . bo was crying , continuing to eat you out like his life depended on it . he mumbled words you soon found out to be “m’sorry mama, please forgive me”.

it made your heart twist in a way that made you nauseous , and you regretted making this about control in that fucked up head of yours . he‘s broken , just as much as you are .

“it’s - fuck - it’s ok, baby,” your high was coming in fast , unable to stop the buck of your hips when he pushes two fingers into you , immediately curling and finding that spot he knows so well .

“ i forgive you “

a hushed cry , and you come undone on his tongue and fingers , pulling at his hair . and for a moment , you forgot who this was for .

“thank you,” bo mumbles , laying his head against your thigh .

it’s soft , so soft you’re sure you’re imagining it , but you swear you hear him utter those three words you’ve been dying to hear ;

“i love you.”

[kuroimarzipan]

To return the ask I was unable to answer for you: I'd love to hear your Kingmaker thoughts! Or Wrath, if you'd prefer.

HELP I MISCLICKED BEFORE I WROTE ANYTHING AND HAD TO EDIT THE POST LMFAO anyway im gonna answer for kingmaker only tonight cause i gotta go to bed and i spent too long writing shit out but i might reblog this and add answers for wotr on after work tomorrow lol

Favorite Male Character okay so i could be normal about this. i could. or i could let everyone here know that i mentally put together multiple AUs where esteem got together with dragn after witnessing like three lines of dialogue. yea the smith guy. the one without a portrait even.

BUT if i had to be more normal about it then its gotta be ekun. i just want that guy to be happy and i really enjoy how weirdly well he gets along with esteem. also he's like. the most ruthless good character ive seen in a while which i really find interesting. makes a great minister too. he just has this reassuring presence in your party like hes got your back you dont have to worry. also: dogy :^)

Favorite Female Character

okay so i went into this game assuming kanerah would be my fave and i was like. ready to finally not have to headcanon a romance and shit. and then this bitch named valerie came along. and oh my god she's such a piece of work. so principled. so hypocritical. so abrasive and easy to rile up. she's loyal because she's decided to be loyal. she turns on you for wanting to kill a guy early in act 2 and then turns BACK on him because he hits on her. she doesnt even realise shes gay. ever since she killed fredero because esteem pushed her to do it ive been thinking about it. ive not read the dialogue for her canon straight romance or whatever because honestly i dont care whatever the fuck im doing to her in my head is way more interesting to me. ive done all the stuff for her hellknight ending and im very excited heehee.

Least Favorite Character

kingmaker is interesting in that i had a really poor first impression of a LOT of the companions, but after having gotten to know them, i... honestly dont rlly hate any of them?? there's still a few companions that end up benchwarming for me bc i just like others more, but its really not been like wotr where the party lineup was so polarising for me lmao

WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED JHOD. fuck that guy. i dont even have a particular actually good reason either. i just think his vibes are rancid

Favorite Ship

specifically that moment when hegend drew his weapon and went to attack valerie and the moment combat initiated esteem hit him with the chains of light which was followed by a maximised empowered magma blast from kanerah which one shot him. that felt good

aside from that i kinda wanna see amiri and nilak reconcile at some point??

Favorite Friendship

i like that ekun the complete and utter loner was the person that taught esteem how to actually have friends instead of just manipulating people into appreciating her. i like to think he figured that out by the time his last quest rolled around. they have this kinda silent trust.

Favorite Quote

this was such a good moment to me specifically because of the circumstances of esteem having been chased out of its home because of what it is and then having tartuk tell it that it would never understand?? it was COLD AS ICE telling him that before dealing the killing blow and taking his crown. defining moments tbh

Worst Character Death (if any)

i have a feeling this is yet to come for me 🙃

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment

maybe its silly but thee loyalty these two have hehehe

Saddest Moment

TBH another thing i think is yet to come for me.... i know that last act is gonna hit hard

Favorite Location

the swamp witch's hut... i actually really love the old beldame and all the lil storylines going on in that map so so much it rlly helped me solidify a bunch of important things abt esteem's backstory too lol

[sincelastsession]

I'm getting really upset about being in freeze mode and feeling like agoraphobia anxiety when I attempt to even leave my apartment.

I used to be able to go several places.

Now I feel overwhelmed even in the smallest store.

Like I feel like I'm gonna faint or throw up trying to get myself to go.

The last two times I have gone which was a while back I got creeped on but even before that stores were hard.

I get completely overwhelmed even if I have music playing. It's jarring and scary and there too many people and colors and I always have to look at everything and I never feel at ease or safe in the grocery store.

Like Aldi SHOULD be the best store for someone like me to get groceries in but it's just as bad as bigger flashier stores.

I used to have social anxiety but I could really give a fuck less about the grocery store NPCS now except the creepy men. Literally almost every time no fail a creepy man has come up to me while I have headphones in and either sexually harassed me or just straight up is rude or weird at me.

Dad thinks I'm paranoid abt it. Dad has never been harassed by men in public places. He is not there with me when I go places and he doesn't experience it.

Shopping with mom is chaos.

Travis helps when he can.

But no one enjoys shopping with me because despite me trying to turn it into an adventure it's not one for them as I gotta shop in a certain way where I gotta look at every row so I don't forget.

-----------

Today I was able to autopilot to the big Asian markets and it was 3x as expensive as it used to because the cost of living definitely went up again.

I am so goddamn stressed.

I am so goddamn mad.

I didn't get everything I needed.

I can't fucking function like I used to and I'm mad about it and there's not a goddamn thing I can do but stay in hypervigiliant frozen mode.

Because guess what.

I'm not getting to move.

That was BULLSHIT

Even though my doctor is very worried about me.

A grippy sock vacation ain't gonna help shit.

I can't relax. If I don't smoke for pain then I can't do ANYTHING

Grocery shopping has me in bed from one store.

I needed to go 4 places.

I don't have people bandwidth at all.

I can't deal with loud noises at random.

I'm completely overstimulated and hypervigiliant and allllll my other problems are set off.

I know what would fix it all but there's no way to do it.

I'm about to literally ask someone to start taking pictures and manage a fucking onlyfans for me but I REALLY don't want to resort to that. I don't understand how others do it confidently and just sell themselves and it likely wouldn't be good for my cptsd traumas either

How the hell does dad expect me to switch to a phone plan and try to adjust a budget that can't budge

This is fucked.

I also really don't feel like I was advocated for enough or understood and I'm still mad that people keep making assumptions about me.

Why the fuck is it that the shittiest people get away with thier bullshit and me who tries so hard to do good because I want to and I'm not a psychopath gets like the shit end of everything

It really does bother me that people don't take the time to know me.

There was no reset. I'm still getting treated like shit.

There's not going to be a place to move.

I am probably going to lose my temper and get evicted though because I'm so fucking sick of my goddamn rude neighbors.

I can't calm down.

I have been trying to relax and have fun and do things but I can't fucking go outside without a serious panic attack now. WHYYYYY

I'm so angry. You have NO IDEA what the chronic pain I deal with feels like. People fucking judge me because I don't use a mobility device they can't see the pain issue.

They don't fucking care.

I don't even think my partner gives a shit about me.

I'm so sick of people.

I'm fucking sick of crying and asking for help.

I'm so sick of being sick.

I'm so tired of people saying they care and not showing up.

Fuck them.

I understand them. I really do. And I help the best I can.

But people don't even want to be around me and I'm not doing anything wrong.

I didn't mind that you picked my dad to go back first but I don't like the fact that he decided he was going to keep what he told you a secret from me that's not cool when it has to do with my fucking treatment

So now I'm just sitting around trying to figure out what the hell my father told you because he's done this shit before while I was in the ER and I got treated like shit because he went and took the Doctor out in the hallway and told them a bunch of shit that was not true and he's done that multiple times with other therapists privately so I would not like him to see you separately from me ever again in Session please.

I thought it would be okay and I fucked up I should have just chosen both of us to go back at the same time and now I don't know what's going on and he's being weird and secretive

And his presence in that room was completely fake and I was so fucking pissed off because you didn't notice that as far as I was aware

And I'm not mad at you I'm just mad at the fact that he pulled bullshit on you and I just sat there quietly and tried to observe the best I could and then you made the assumption that I checked out and I just had a thought in my head that needed to come out or I was going to end up interrupting and making it worse and

Then after that is probably where I checked out because I was so pissed off about the assumption and it felt like I was having things that I already understand explained to me and it felt like I was running out of time to discuss things that I did need to talk to him about that were important to me in a safe space and then you told me to go talk to him outside and that Did not go well

He yelled at me in the parking lot

Completely took his little bullshit mask off and treated me like shit and he'll deny it next time

Yes I would love to be financially away from everybody and making my own money and able to work but right now I definitely fucking cannot

I don't even know how to do under the table sit without feeling horribly guilty or fucking it up and be my SSI taken away

How am I supposed to play for a fucking phone plan if I can't even pay for Normal healthy Groceries and I couldn't even get all of my Normal healthy Groceries today and I Try to budget so hard and I'm so Bad at math and I've NeVER had a diagnosis of math dyslexia but I can't pass AGED because of that so I can't fucking Go get a degree and anything that might make me be able to make some damn good Money

And then everybody is like well why don't you sell your art but I can't fucking sell my art if I'm not fucking interested in doing it because I'm too stressed out and I have no muse

They just think I can turn things out like a magician or some shit

I don't know what I want to do or what I can do

I think it's pretty fucking unreasonable to expect me to be financially independent so quickly when I have about a million other things I need to work on that doesn't have to do with my parents

Then yes they are big fat triggers and not in the pop culture sense in the clinical sense

I have tons of clinical PTSD triggers and some of them I don't even know what they are but cause I will just be sitting around and all of the sudden I will be having APTSD episode and it sucks

And then I have autistic meltdowns which also suck

And then I have anxiety and panic attacks going on

And then my fucking OCD is driving me insane and I keep repeating myself to the point where I can't remember what's going on presently and I just I'm stuck in this loop of trauma in my brain

And my ADHD is pretty much making all of this worse and I don't know what to do about that

My executive dysfunction is completely out of control. I can do basic things and sometimes force myself to leave the house but I have to have someone with me or on the phone with me to go places and I don't like that I don't like that I'm getting overwhelmed over the dumbest shit

My distress tolerance is broken right now

Also I really need to get laid and I don't know what to do about that and I'm not a one night stand person and my life feels like it's in fucking shambles and I feel like you know maybe some intimacy in an orgasm might fucking fix some of it but I can't even socialize normally enough to get someone to interested in me and I don't even know what I'm doing

Every fucking relationship I've ever had has been some awful fucking man who has used me and treated like shit and cheated on me and almost put me risk for diseases and shit like that

And then the other man that had been intimate with me it was not consensual it was fucking rape it was fucking assault and I can't do anything about that either because I can't prove any of it

And everybody I'm interested in fucking wants a kid and I can't give them kids

And it really sucks to see every person that you've had a crush on or have been in love with meet the love of their life and have kids and have a big happy little family and post all their shit online meanwhile I'm over hereFucking failing at everything

And I'm so tired of people asking me how I'm doing how am I doing I'm rotting in my bed half the time. And the other half of the time I'm just trying to keep it together.

I used to not be like this I don't know what triggered me to be like this I don't know what it was I just wanted to stop.

I mean my whole life has just been nothing but like passive neglectful parenting but also the helicopter parent parenting and that fucked me up and then you know getting molested and being part of pedophilia shit when I was 2 years old really didn't help anything about my development and then my parents just didn't fucking know what they were doing at all and really screwed me up and they didn't care that they screwed me up and oh why is our child doing these major red flags let's just stick her in therapy and tell everybody that she just has an attitude problem and she's a difficult child that'll fix her let's just stick her in therapy and put her on medicine at 12 years old and put her on All these meds till she finally loses her shit because one of them is causing her to lose her shit and then let's send her to a psychfacility that ruins her brain with medications that she was not supposed to get and then let's not help her Sue the psychfacility that really fucked up and broke so many hippa laws.

I don't know what to do anymore

I don't know how to get people to understand me in any way

I feel like I got dropped in another country where no one speaks my language

Everybody is like oh you should join the butt club oh you should just go socialize with people and I don't know how and I don't know how to act and everybody seems to not want to be around me and it's embarrassing

I mean it's not like I didn't hear the people at the metal show talk about how fucking weird I was within earshot and I just ignored it and went on with talking to people that were nice and then I came home and then I cried

Because I'm almost fucking 40 years old I'm almost there and people are still bullies I'm still getting bullied

I don't know the sweet spot that I'm supposed to be in I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do I don't know how to be assertive because my assertive sounds like me being a bitch and then me being nice sounds fake to people and then me being mean is like totally too scary for people and I don't know what to do I don't even know how to dress myself in cute outfits that actually look good but I can do that for other people

I can't get my shit done but I can help other people get their shit done I don't know why my brain needs some sort of loophole but it does

And when I was on medicine for ATHD it wasn't exactly the best time but I was able to function way better than this

I miss being a teenager where I didn't care about how stressful going to a store was or what sort of dumb shit I was getting into like how do I kill the part of my brain that grew up and made me scared of everything

I should not be this stressed out and this worried about my life when I have a heart condition as far as I'm aware that could kill me at any point in time just because it didn't beat correctly

I don't understand why I can't be beautiful and free like my other friends and do sex work or take pretty pictures and not worry about what people think

I wish I could just start over if I can't go Zack and I don't know how to move forward anymore I just feel stuck in this present moment that this doesn't go anywhere

And I can try religious practice but that's not even fulfilling to me anymore right now

And I thought about fostering a dog but then I remembered that I'm in a lot of pain and I was disassociating from that and there's no way that I'll be able to walk by the end of the week if I go and bring a dog home to socialize it and distract myself from everything

I've been really upset because I would love to go to New Orleans to all these events that all my friends go to and be a part of a friend group who fucking cares about me and I can't

I can't see very well to drive at night and I miss out on so much stuff and I cannot afford to Uber there

And I'm sure that Justin would just love for me to come running back because he would take me places and he would take care of me and he would take control but I don't want another fucking man controlling me

And the way I speak is not to mean that I'm trying to be controlling I don't think like that

And I wish people would ask me how I'm feeling and how I'm doing and quit making assumptions about it

I'm not talking about strangers I'm talking about people who know better

And no one owes me anything no 1 has to do anything but it would be really nice if my family would actually learn about what I'm going through

Instead of giving them excuses to tell me to fuck off even more

I feel so isolated and alone and I didn't do it to myself

And I don't have any motivation to do anything and I'm not even de press that's the kicker I don't feel depressed I'm just angry and sad

I miss my old psychiatrist

I miss my dead friends

I miss my grandparents

I miss the moment to my life where I felt free

I miss being loved

And why is it that my sister gets treated so much better than me but also everybody neglects her and when I try to help her she acts like a bitch and I basically raised her ass because my parents didn't teach her a lot I had to and they get mad at me about this but it's their own fucking fault they didn't have any place adopting another child when I was 15 and I needed them most

I fucking lied to the social worker who told me it was all on me whether or not they got a baby

Because they went and took all of the hoarding mess out of the house and put it in a storage unit or something like that and hit it from the social worker

And then they put it all back in the house and they let the dogs piss and shit all over the carpet and I had my cat who never did any of that and then we got more cats and nobody took care of the litter boxes except for me and my dad sometimes

And then as I got older after my mom and sister moved out everything got worse because there's still stuff from my mom after they got divorced in the house and my dad is just letting my sister have it and I can't even get to my stuff and the stuff that my sister has gotten to that's mine she has stolen and I haven't been able to bring anything into this apartment from that house because it smells like pure cat piss ammonia because my dad never got the carpet or the house treated when he could have when he could have afforded it he sat around and acted like a depressed fucking asshole and refused to get help and abuse everybody around him And he has been abusiveIt's awful to me and my mother and even my sister now since I was a child since before I was even born he has been abusive

But that's what happens when your parents don't even date for an entire year and then decide to get married

I wish I wasn't fucking born

I cannot wait to get old and pass away of whatever the fuck

I'm tired of this shit and that above is intrusive thoughts don't you dare put me in a grippy sock land it's basically diet prison and I have severe trauma from it.

I know that people say they care but I don't actually know if they care

Because people will say well if I didn't care then I wouldn't do this they say that I've heard it a million times and then they turned around and stabbed me in the back

I don't know how to fit in with other people and I'm tired of trying I've tried my entire life and I've been rejected so much

Like people don't understand that my entire life has basically been punishment that's all I can remember is just bad things happening

I don't really remember anything good for very long

My brain is so much in flare up that I can't even remember covers scissors I've had with people I really love

But I don't even think that people I really love even care about me anymore

I feel like everyone is just sick of me

Don't feel like I ever got a chance

You don't feel like I got to live my life ever and I don't feel like I'm living it now

My heart feels fucking broken all the time

It feels like a gaping wound

I wish I could just go to like the fucking Mayo clinic and get all of my health stuff figured the fuck out. I don't want to see any more doctors I'm so tired of seeing doctors. I'm so tired of medical shit. I haven't even gotten to sit and read and really actually enjoyed my special medical interest. And having a special interest is kind of like a thing for me and I don't have any interest right now

I have lots of ideas of things I could possibly do or just things to do but I can't execute any of them I can't even get the dishes clean I can't get my room organized for longer than a month or even a week

I can't get this place cleaned up and organized enough to have people over to have a social life of any form

I just want to leave I want to just get in my car fill it with gas and drive in whatever direction and then when the car runs out of gas or explodes or I run out of money I don't know that's what I've been feeling like doing for a long time just running the fuck away from everything

But I can't because it's hell just trying to leave my apartment

I've been wanting to play it's a garden all fucking Spring and summer and I can't even afford to Go get Plants or seeds I can't Work It in my budget to do a garden other than the stupid onions and the aloe plant that I have growing and it's upsetting because like I would love to have something hobby wise to do but I can't Find anything I enjoy I have a million activities that I have bought Myself and I have 0 interest in doing any of them I have interest in doing things I Don't own but I can't do those things Or I would be trying to

I need to join a gym but I don't want anybody bothering me about my weight or talking to me about it but I can't fit in my budget

And no my budget is notebook or a ledger or anything like that it's just I stare at my bank account and I think about how much this thing costs and if it's necessary for me to live or if I can live without it so I can have enough money for the rest of the month and have some reserve emergency money in case one of my therapy cats gets sick

It's speaking of cats my fucking father and sister neglected the cat that I had to take care of that was fucking miserable the entire time that my dad basically forced her to be alive for a few more months on steroids that we're eventually going to kill her and then I finally convinced him it was time to let her go because she's like 19 and miserable and she was not happy and I spoiled her and gave her as much love and attention as I could and I neglected my social life and everything And then I had to use an ice her at the vet I had to be there I had to have Travis and my mom show up because my dad even thoughHe could have driven down the street and faced what he didThe fucking neglect he put that cat through and the work I had to do to just get her Fur clean. They had to cut her nails out of her foot pads. I could seriously stringle him and my sister for promising to take care of her when I notice signs of neglect and then they fucking didn't

And then they both have the audacity to get mad at me for taking over

And there's another cat that I very much need to go rescue and either rehome or keep with me because he's terrified and he pees and poops everywhere because no one gives him the kind of litter and litter box he needs and he probably has a medical condition of some form or a urinary tract infaction and he needs help and it makes me mad because he should be very healthy and happy and getting love And I am so close to calling animal control on my own family

And my mom my mom keeps a big giant dog in a cage that's probably way too fucking small for him all day until she can get at home to let him out to pee which is cruel

That dog was actually supposed to be mine but she took him and she gave him to alcoholic man and now she says that he's hers and the dog has bitten several people and she's just not getting it trained at all and I hate the way that they treat animals like accessories and alarm systems

I mean I fucking volunteer for the animal shelter and foster because I don't want animals to go to awful ass people

Not only did I experience hoarding when I grew up I experienced animal hoarding

You know what interest that I have that I want to do that it's driving me insane

I want to ride horses again and I can't

I way too much and I can't lose the fucking weight because my metabolism is fucking broken right now probably because of stress and the hypothyroidism that my interchronologist will not treat me for because he's a dumb fuck and I'm angry as hell

I understand that people do a lot of things they don't want to do to earn money and that's been mentioned to me before that people think I just don't wantna work or something and it's like no I do want to work I would probably be better at a lot of people's jobs than they are but currently I'm not in the correct state of mind or physical state to do any of this and it drives me nuts because my brain is going a million fucking miles an hour and I'm not manic This is just how it is

Didn't even go get a fucking tattoo like other people do when they are just trying to deal with stress

I don't even feel like I fit in with anybody or anywhere

I mean that's been my entire life

I don't even know who I would be or if I could even build a character and then act like that like everybody else seems to do

Because people who are neurotypical all look and act like they're sticking to this unspoken script and I feel like an outsider observing them being like WTF WHY DID THAT TAKE 8 STEPS IT COULD HAVE BEEN 2. Or WHY DO YALL JUST ASSUME SHIT AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS THAT MAKE NO SENSE like Why do people ask how other people are doing if they don't want to really know why is it that we have to just go oh just living the dream I'm fine why can't I just tell people what's actually going on why is this a thing I don't understand

I'm also terrified that people are trying to make me somebody I'm not that I probably could never be like

It feels like accounts of people who have gone through gay conversion therapy and shit

Like you can't make a neurodiverget person neurotypical it doesn't work that way and I get so tired of people trying to force neurotypical ideas Unto people who don't think that way

I don't know how to explain this to people anymore I just feel like I'm repeating myself over and over and over and over again and I might as well talk to a fucking brick wall because that might be more intelligent than people just fucking ignoring what I'm saying

I would love to be able to go outside right now in the dark and go on a walk by myself unarmed without having to worry but no I can't do that because shit is dangerous and I'm too scared to leave my apartment half the time

I'm exhausted I'm absolutely exhausted and so fucking mad

And I'm tired of being mad I'm tired of being resilient I'm tired of being everything that I'm not and not knowing who I am

I'm tired of trying to fit in and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere I don't even feel like I'm the logger I feel like it was a mistake that I was born

I want to talk to my schizophrenic uncle so bad and nobody understands everybody thinks that I'm going to ruin his progress or whatever and to leave him alone but he doesn't think of me that way he doesn't think that I'm a bad person that's out to get him or anything like that I've been the only person in his life and he's been the only person in my life that actually understands what I go through And I understand all the shit he went through if he's even still identifying as male because my dad gave me some sort of hint that he was in Transition but I don't know that for sure because no one will talk to me about it and I'm mad as hell and if I knew where he lived I would call him and I would drive there and visit him for a weekend if I could afford it

You know I get tired of this being there for myself all the time

I have been alone a lot of my life I have been isolated and abused and alone constantly and the only piece I get is from now until like 5 AM in the morning I get quiet and peace if there's not some crazy ass shit happening outside of my apartment in the middle of the night

When I set next to my dad on the sofa I could feel his energy I could tell that he wanted to jump across that sofa and hurt me and I could feel it I know that his body language might not have said that but he knows how to do body language and all this other stuff because he doesn't want to get caught and get in trouble

Like you have no idea how manipulative both of my parents are and they say they love me and they care about me but why did they do everything they did to me then and why do they continue to treat me like shit and why do I still love them and feel like I have to fucking make them happy and help them and do all these things that everybody else does for their parents but their parents aren't psychos

And I don't care if my language sounds combative or defensive right now I don't give a single shit

Maybe people should have thought before they fucking spoke

Maybe people shouldn't have molested me or raped me or held a gun to my head or hurt me or made me strip to check me for hickeys and then denied doing it and then admitted to doing it and then denied it again and then admitted and then denied and then said that they didn't remember it all maybe it was super inappropriate for my father to sleep in the bed with me growing up and I don't know if he ever did anything to me or not because I don't really remember much but him and my mother fighting all the time

It was super fucking inappropriate for my mother's father to fucking molest me

Was super fucking inappropriate for everybody to just tell me to get over it because he was drunk

It was super fucking fucked up that I had to be at his funeral

If he had a grave in the ground I would go and piss on it Unfortunately he's in a mausoleum and I can't do anything about that

I can't do anything about the people that raped and attacked me when I was a teenager

I can't do anything about the men that walk past and grope me

I can't do anything about fuck all

Because nobody believes women not until it happens to them do they believe you or even worse they don't believe you and it happens to them and your story is still not important

I had teachers tell me that I was going to go nowhere in life and completely fail at everything

Just because they got annoyed with me Because I didn't understand stuff

Not even just one teacher I had another 1 that literally had me screaming crying shaking under a fucking water fountain when I was in elementary school because she just wouldn't leave me alone because I went to the library during lunch too much and she wanted me to go outside and get some sun and I was not supposed to be in the Sun because of medication I was on and I flipped out at her and I cursed her out and I flashed out and all I remember is My home room teacher coming out and telling the other teacher to back off and leave me alone and even she had to sit with me for a while and I wasn't very nice to her in reactionAnd she's dead now and I don't even remember what her name was but she was the only teacher in school the meeting was that everybody thought was awful to understand that I was having problems at home and she could do anything about it

Every close friend I have ever had has left me behind for other people or died

My father hit me in the face and broke my fucking nose in high school that's why my nose is crooked and I had blood shooting out of it right and my mom didn't call the cops because she didn't see it happened and I got told that everybody would lose their jobs and we would lose the house if I called the police

And I went to school with 2 black eyes because that's what happens when your nose gets hit 13 times your eyes get blocked as well

And I told my teachers you were mandated reporters and I told my friends and I begged for help and no one did anything

No one has ever done anything no 1 has taken care of the problem I've tried I've tried so hard to make everybody stop hurting me

just keep hurting me they just keep hurting me in every way that they can

It's not fair and I know life isn't fair but shouldn't it be just a tidy bit fair it seems to be fair for people that have the money for it to be fair it seems to be fair for people who have well-adjusted families it seems to be fair for people who don't have auto immune disorders

And you know it's probably because of abuse and stress I had as a child that I even developed an auto immune disorder it might never have been triggered but we don't know I can't prove that

And I don't understand why my parents think I'm trying to control them what do I have to gain what do I have to gain from trying to just control them to the point that they act paranoid like I'm gonna ruin their lives or something

I don't understand that I don't understand why they even think that I think that way

My parents fucking think that I have like this evil mindset when they're mad at me they're just like you think this and you think that and you this and you that just gasliding the fuck out of me

And they just act like overgrown children and they act like they have different personalities themselves

And I hate this I fucking hate it

Why was there no Justice for my father hurting me and I got a legitimate injury from that

Why was there no Justice for my sister's bullshit and hurt attacking me and starting the whole thing to where he got up and hurt me

He could think he said he could think and he was fine and then he used the excuse that he was fucked up on meds after he did it and then he apologized to me on text but then several minutes later called my mother and told her that I was a psycho and all this other bullshit crap

They fucking talk out of both sides of their mouths and they talk about me behind my back and they trash me and I know that because my sister has listened to it and I have also caught my sister trash talking me and I don't understand I'm not a bad person I don't do horrible shit to people

I fucking could

Nobody understands that I could ruin people's lives I know everybody's secrets because they all tell me their secret bullshit

Do you know how much powerful information I have about almost everyone I know and even acquaintances and even random people who run the state people who are prominent lawyers people who are billionaires people who live in other countries who are important I know lots of things about all these people because they confided in me about really fucked app shit they did and I'm really good generally at keeping secrets and I could fuck everybody's world up and I choose not to

But I'm getting very tired of being nice

But being mean really isn't fulfilling to me

And everybody is like you should be meaner you should be more assertive you should be a bitch and I'm like no you know I would rather not

I mean I've tried to build my own character to understand myself and explain myself to myself which is such a mind fuck because how am I talking to myself when I'm my brain

I mean why does any of this matter the universe isn't even locally real and I understand what that means and that's pretty wild and I don't think anybody else thinks about shit like that and understands the gravity of everything

And I don't care how insane my journal writing looks I just I don't give a fuck you're getting unfiltered brain thoughts because I've got thousands of them just buzzing around in my head and it doesn't shut up until I can have medicine for my ADHD and then I get complete silence or if I smoke enough weed my brain shuts up and I just have stoner thoughts

I'll give you a stoner thought I had the other day

For instance why in the world canfellen's not own guns but a felon could become president and have nuclear launch codes is it that like you know the biggest gun of all

What the fuck is wrong with this world

Sometimes I feel like I was just a soul that was happy on the other side and got shot into a body and shot down the Earth and born and I don't feel like I belong here at all

I mean it would be great if a medicine would solve all of my problems but I've been on everything we've ruled out every fucking diagnosis except for a associative disorder of some form or a personality disorder not specified because I'm not BPD

BPD is what I was diagnosed at before they figured out I had complex PTSD and BPD is a bullshit umbrella diagnosis that they give women who are hystericalProbably just have complex PTSD and poor emotional regulation and they just have it learned to fix that but they're being treated for something they don't even have so of course the therapies not going to work and they're not going to get better

EMDR helped me but I was always furious after the sessions

I was mad because of the injustice

And I don't like therapists that are super hard on me because I'm really hard on myself and I need someone to be gentle and handle me with fucking kid gloves because that's what I respond to I respond to gentle

I don't respond to patronizing gentle bullshit or being chided or I don't even know how to describe it it's a certain way that every single therapist acts when they think they have you pinned for whatever but it's wrong and you know that they're wrong but they don't think they're wrongI don't know how to explain it at all

I'm really pissed off that I went non verbal

I really hate getting that way

But everything gets so fucking overwhelming

And I just shut down completely

And I can't remember things that people tell me and I can't even make a grocery list today I made a fucking grocery list and I left it at home because I auto piloted myself to the Asian supermarket to get groceries there why I don't fucking know I just did

I mean I got stuff but it cost almost $200 and it wasn't even that much food

I don't even need that much and everybody thinks that I'm lying about that because I'm a big girl but my metabolism is wrecked I had to be on steroids for a large portion of my life

Steroids fucked with everything but it was the only thing that was going to keep me alive and make me build muscle because I don't think you understand that you're mad at my aside as eats peoples muscles your immune system starts to just Nibble away your muscles till they're almost fucking gone

I could not walk

I had to learn to walk again I had to go to speech therapy I had to go to therapy to be able to use my Hands and move in general

I have been through every sort of physical therapy that exists

I've been into huge scary fucked medical studies that Ted Kennedy ran at NIH or he funded it

That's really weird I'm still bothered by that I'm always going to be bothered by that I want my fucking files from all of that I want to know what the hell they did to me

You know I look at pictures of my brain on disks because I've had so many Mr i's and I notice things and I'm not a radiologist so I cannot diagnose myself but there's a lot of stuff if I look at that and then I look at a normal brain it doesn't look right

Like the middle part of the brain that sort of looks like a butterfly and looks like a big empty space yeah mine is huge and not connected in the middle correctly like I'll have to show you it's weird

And I have asked doctors about this and they're like oh sometimes people just have that or people with schizophrenia have that and I'm like oh great wonderful

I don't want another goddamn diagnosis of something that's gonna be on my chart and have doctors be like oh my God what the fuck but I also do want to know what the hell is going on so at least I am aware

And Doctor Todd used to tell me that I was too smart and that I was too observant and that other people didn't like that and were not gonna respond well to me and we're gonna act threatened and he explained all this to me he explained how my life would be if I continued to just be myself if I didn't figure out a way to just act differently and settle with some guy that I could tolerate in order to just get the hell away from my parents because he knew what was going on with meAnd he knew that I am so handicapped that I would need a fucking safety net of money in case me trying to sell art or whatever it is I wanna do failed

And he asked about me what is death bed

And it hurts because I feel like he cared about me more than my own family ever did

I feel like I'm just a giant fucking burden to everybody

And I hate this time of year because I don't know what happened to me this time of year because the body keeps the score and so does parts of the brain and from this point in time till my birthday I am a wreck every fucking year and I don't want to be but I am it's just every year this happens

Every year I just get more and more and more stressed out than closer I get to Birthday

And then most people forget my birthday or they do something shitty

And I just want to celebrate my birthday and have a nice party and it's important to me and people are like why don't you just have a normal day I don't do anything for my birthday well you know you didn't have to fucking fights to survive

That's why I celebrate my birthday because I am still alive

And there's lots of people out there that have succumbed to the PTSD and not made it out alive and I am still here

I don't want to be here but I'm still fucking here

I hate it here I wish that aliens would come and abduct me and take me far far away

I don't care if it sounds stupid I don't feel like I belong here I don't feel like a person

I just feel like I'm a mirror or a masking and then I don't know What I am or who I am when I'm not doing that I have an extremely poor sense of self and I don't know how to wrap my brain around creating my own ideas of myself and describing myself to other peoples it's a nightmare

I mean I'm still trying to get the diagnosis of BPD removed from our lady of the leg's records

I'm not even changing that that one's funny that typo is funny

I'm sitting here yelling at my phone crying and that was ridiculous

I mean is there such thing as being too smart and aware and logical or whatever is there such a thing is that what is ruining my life and I just over analyzing everything in my worrying too much what the fuck is it that I'm doing that I'm not in control of because it seems like there's something neurologically going on that no one has been able to figure out

And I haven't been able to see the kind of specialist I would need to see to figure that out

I do know that my dad's side of the family has a history of really weird mental issues and not schizophrenic disorder or it's a frontier like my uncle has that one's just out of the ballpark popped out of nowhere because my grandmother and her son of the family didn't have issues like that and neither did my father's side that I'm aware of but it seems to be like there's been a lot of cluster b type disorders

And then on my mom's side there's a lot of cluster b type disorders that nobody will admit to having but it's blatantly obvious

But I had an uncle a great uncle and he had some sort of mental issue and he died early because ofbut and I don't know how or why or what that was about but nobody talks about it

And that's another thing I take issue within the South growing up here being native to hear everybody doesn't want to talk about anything everybody wants to sweep it under the rug and not look at it no one wants to look at what's wrong everybody just wants to Push the weaker people out of the way or the threat out of the way and carry on with their lives like nothing is even going on no one wants to deal with it

And when I was growing up on one side of the family I was to be seen and not heard and that was dad's side of the family and on the other side of the family I was encouraged to do art and to dance and put on a show for everybody

And it was not good for me

And I missed my grandmother's I wish they were still alive I would go live with one of them

Because they understood me they knew they fucking knew that my parents were fucking insane and they tried to talk to my parents and they tried to tell my parents to stop being awful to me and my parents didn't listen because my parents had grudges against their parents so of course they're not gonna listen

My dad before I had my diagnosis where I had my diagnosis and all the people that were adults in my life before I had a diagnosis of the dramatic site as used to tell me that I was just faking it for attention and that I was a liar and being called a liar is one of the biggest triggers I have because I'm not a fucking liar if I want to lie I will but I don't lie like that I have a hard time lying about 99% of things and sometimes my brain makes an exception depending on the predicament and if it's for survival or something

Also on my dad's side of the family there's lots of gay people and it was all covered up my father even experimented in college and everything and I had to hear about that as a child my mom would get angry and just shit talking to me

They should have never gotten married they should have never had me I should exist and I don't mean that in a suicidal way I just I don't belong here

I really just don't feel like I belong here and it's not in a depressed way or I want to die sort of way even though those are interesting thoughts I get sometimes but it's not like anything I experience experience usually

I just feel not human

I feel like I'm in the wrong body all the time like how did I get here why am I in this body

Sometimes I'm like who is this bitch and her family why am I here sometimes I just want to be a little kid and buy toys for myself and stuff and I can't do that cause I can't afford it isn't I get really sad because I have adult money and I should be able to use it for whatever I want and sometimes I remember I have free will and I think about going and just buying an entire birthday cake for myself when it's not even my birthday but I never do that because why it cost you fucking much

There's a lot of typos that say you when they should say other words and I'm not going to fix that I hope that you can understand it because I've done it too many times through Text-to-speech because I can't type as fast as my brain and mouth go

I just I want to go home and I used to repeat that Uber and Uber and Uber when I was young and upset when my parents would be screaming at 1 another I would stick my head between the couch cushions and I would scream for them to stop and I would repeat I want to go home and I would Rock back-and-forth and I would tell them to stop and I would plead with them to stop and they would tell me to fuck off and go to my room and I would sneak out of my room and stand at the hall door and peak and watch them argue because I was terrified that they were going to kill each other

The things that I heard my parents say 21 another growing up is nothing anybody should hear at the age

One thing that my mom used to say as a funny story is that 1 day I was like a little tiny kid and 1 of the first things I said was you old buzzard because my mom was calling my dad a bastard

I mean I don't see how that's funny at all

I don't think it's very funny that some strange man at 1 of their little Christmas parties at 1 of their little friend's houses made me put my mouth on his Dick when I was a tiny child unless that happened somewhere else

I don't think it's too awesome that I was locked in a closet and my mom found a whole bunch of kids wandering around with no adult and me locked into closet gasping for air under a pile of pillows

And those were the same people that did things to me and I can't prove it because she took me to the Doctor to get me checked out and there was no sign of it but I remember it It's something that I can't talk about in detail it's very foggy but I remember things I remember strange men I was 2 years old

And I was secretly hyper sexual growing up as well and it was shamed for it just a point where I was scared to touch myself and then I became hypersexual again when I went to elementary school probably about middle school and it was weird

And then I was not exactly hypersexual in the fact that I would have sex with everybody and any of these instances but in high school was a thing where I would flirt with entirely to many people and full around with people and get myself in situations where bad things happened to me and I guess that's not really my fault that's just the fault of the other people and the adult that was supposed to be watching us

One reason me and Justin didn't work out is because he was the first person that ever went down on me and I was like 15 or 16 years old and the friend's mom who was there encouraged us to go do that she encouraged me to suck another guy's Dick once and sat there and watched

She would take her giant fat tits and lift up her shirt and press her tits against the window when she would like get out of the car right before she would undo child lock and let all of us out of the car because she thought it was funny she was the most inappropriate adult she would make us bring 20 bucks for pizza and then buy us whatever alcohol we wanted if we gave her the money so she could buy herself a carton of cigarettes And then get us like one pizza to share it was fucked up and I should have been out there hanging out with Travis and all the other people on Carlotta street instead of hanging out In a grown adult's home with people who I thought were my friends who were just taking advantage of me

And the thing is my parents thought it was safer for me to be with the person that had their mom

Instead of hanging out with a bunch of people my own age who were just moving out and living on their own and going to college while I was maybe a little bit younger but should have already graduated

I mean I couldn't get homework done because I was always in fight or flight or freeze at home because my parents would be arguing and then I wouldn't be able to sleep and I can't tell you how many medicines and drugs that doctors tried on me to fix me because my parents were unhappy with me I mean it's possible it's completely fucked my brain up and it's not repairable I don't know I'll probably never know I don't know how much can be fixed in how much I am capable of and how much I'm just not capable of

I've never had official testing done for my autism other than doctors going yep you seem to be autistic and it makes sense to me and I think self-diagnosis is pretty fucking valid but I don't know where I am on the scale or range or spectrum I don't I don't know all I know is I have an easy time doing a lot of things in a very very hard time doing other things that should be easy

And I have an easy time helping other people but I have a very hard time helping myself or getting help for myself but I have 0 issues trying to help other people if I have the bandwidth

I mean I don't even feel like I was born to be a daughter and be treated like a daughter I just feel like I was born to be an accessory and then they got bored with me and I didn't grow up and turn into what they wanted and now everybody resents me and tells me what's wrong with me and I have to fix myself but they can't be held accountable for their bullshit and they don't do anything about it they say that they're gonna hold themselves accountable but then they never do anything about it they apologize but they never show me any changes

So why should I be nice to them why should I care why should I even try

Because they pay for my apartment in my phone and my internet and various things

I don't feel like I owe them anything

They've done enough to me

They've isolated me enough I mean I don't know what else they want that they want to lock me up in some long-term facility so they don't have to talk to me or deal with me I mean what the fuck

What do they want to put me in a little studio apartment and then just disown me

It's just fucking I don't know how to explain this

I'm not a spoiled rotten brat I have never asked for all the tremendous amounts of things that my parents have decided to just give me I don't like surprises it actually throws me off big time and I have giant freaks freakouts

Like absolute meltdowns and people always thought that I was having like a spoiled brat tantrum but no it's just I don't do well with changes I don't like changes at all I have things that I'm used to and ways that I do things and I don't like it when people try to control me And the thing is they do they try to control everything they dread a micro manage me and that happened to me my entire life and I don't want anybody coming near me anymore

And they have successfully fucked me up all of this has fucked me up every bad fucked up thing that has happened to me has ruined me

I don't know if I am able to be helped anymore

I don't feel like I belong here.

I want to go home.

I just want home.

I keep thinking I've found home and it's a lie

[v1ncentzuckz]

"mom, I'm tired.." never related more to a lyric omfg

I wish I could talk to her about my feelings but she never fucking listens it's hilariously annoying. It's like whenever I want to talk the her about things that bother me (wich I rarely even do with anyone it's like every time I try to talk I get interrupted or they talk about their own experiences.) she always finds a way to relate everything I do to HER worries, or she tells me that "this is really dramatic" or "you need to calm down/calm your heart" like omfg PLEASE shut up unrespectfully.

Like one time while I was at school she threw out water bottles I had on my bed under 2 of my pillows (I have three but only put my head on one bc it's the biggest) and she fucking threw the water bottles and kept one I think (i had mike 3 or 4) but it's like I had those there bc at night whenever i need to drink I'm genuinely afraid of the dark like ALOT so whenever i wake up in the middle of the night i can just deink those without getting out of bed. And ik this can be seen as affection for my health but it's actually stupid how it seems she doesn't care about my mental or physical health that much, so I'd doubt it's that like when I try to talk to her, she tries to tell me "it's ok, ik this situation is stressful but we'll find a home 🥺" (bc we're going to have to move soon bc there's going to be a new owner and we might need to find a new house bc my mom has problems with bills I think and like tge new owner will probably prefer iy's someone that can actually pay correctly the bills to make benefits), or how in the past she used to relate it to my father(they're divorced btw) but i'm not even thinking ONE bit about the house, I'm talking about my useful water bottles and how i'd be grateful if you didn't throw them out! Thank you..

And also for the "she doesn't rlly care Abt my physical & mental health " part it's bc like.i first said abt how I can never talk to her about my worries, and for the physical part for example; I have lung issues so i can't run or do extreme exercise for an extended period of time (like running for 1 min is too much for me, by example to show how bad it is) and we do endurance at school every year. (Like run for x amount of minutes and it intensifies every year) Last year was ABSOLUTE HELL doing that, on the test (wich was 20mins of running at ur own pace) and I only got a health certificate this year (back in September( so i wouldn't have to actually run while the exercises and test. She knew about my lungs issues since I was FIVE YEARS OLD. So why do I only get a health certificate this year, WICH I HAD TO REACH OUT TO HER FOR, even though she KNEW about this issue and even didn't me to go on basically EVERY school trips "because of my weak lungs"(and she also has trust issues, so that's also an issue..). The fact those school trips weren't has dangerous for my health as the exercises for gym SHOWS she only cares when it's good for her and makes her feel good or like 'her child is secure' or whatever.. Also! She probably doesn't care that much about my health because I've eaten pizzas from a specific brand for so long in my life (8+ years) so frequently and a lot of other unhealthy and unnoutritious things in my life my health and body is actually really fucked up. Pretty sure I even developed an ed bc of how bad she treats and feeds me and my siblings.

I have a genuine hatred towards her, I know she has childhood trauma, and she was most likely pressured to have children (she was born around the 1980's) but I just can't unhate her, or have full live for her. Our 'home'(even if it doesn't feel like it , at least for me) is so broken I seriously think out of no where how better physically znd mentally i would be if i was adopted or in a good fostee family. I know most of this isn't her fault as this is how she was most likely raised but I'm a child and I can't help but partially hate her for her horrible actions and choices. There's so many wrong things I haven't talked about but this is getting long.