#where the fuck would she have kept it
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just finished moving around/reorganizing my entire bedroom. i have cried three times today but now i’m laying in bed, my room smells of roses, and i’m eating french bread. this was not the bipolar hot girl mania i was promised but damn if i don’t do it well
#i haven’t been sleeping well at all whatsoever for the past two weeks and it’s gotten to the point where my dreams are so vivid but not just#like ugh i can’t explain it on here because im not about to open a whole can of worms like that in my tags and be like revealing#family secrets.#essentially i am having normal dreams but they are horrendously vivid and of no real purpose.#i woke up fucking like completely upset this morning and then started crying#my roommate thinks it’s because i haven’t been sleeping + everything else going on#and like ya know what she’s PROBABLY right#but even still i just need my body to LISTEN TO ME and stop being all sensitive!!!#i legitimately almost texted the loml this long text today and thank fuck i didn’t because who knows where that would lead#but i’ve been having dreams about them too and it’s frustrating me. like the universe is trying beyond all measure to push us back together#and i just have to keep saying no. it’s like this test of morality except it never fucking ENDS and the consequence is actually pleasure and#relief beyond measure. like— to even just kiss them again? to hear them say my name again.#whenever we’re out at the same time i can feel them staring at me and i can see them in my peripherals watching me#just fucking forcing this love into me. the feeling of their hands on my body and all of their questions about how i’m doing#god i can feel all of it.#i nearly fucking threw up last time a few weeks ago when they kept watching me and i got so overloaded with emotions and my fucking stomach#wouldn’t stop turning. but anyways right like— i cannot be with them and i don’t want to be. like yes im still attracted to them and yes i#feel all of these feelings but it stops me dead in my tracks when i remember what they said and the things they did.#i am not the woman who bends my convictions because i love someone. i can’t be that person. i won’t be that person. not for anyone and#not for them. but i see them in my dreams anyways and it is all too real and too present. it’s hardly ever the present so why. why why why?#it makes me terrified thinking that i will one of these nights just say yes and they’ll kiss me and everything that means anything in myself#will virtually mean nothing. like i won’t be a good person because i’ve knowingly allowed them to have me.#so anyways yeah and the fact that my snapchat memories and everything else are just FILLED with pictures and videos of us is killing me.#i really am scared that i’ll just give in. and what worse is that i would just double down and not tell anyone. i wouldn’t fucking#tell a soul if we did anything because i just know it isn’t right. and the fact that i know i wouldn’t be honest means i KNOW it’s bad.#so what the fuck. the fuck am i supposed to do when i have all these dreams and even just the ones about my mom and my brother#my family- i want to talk to them about it. i want to fucking cry to them and tell them how much it hurts that they hurt people and i’m just#some occasional exception to that because they love me. and i want to fucking scream. i want to know why. i want to fuck them until they#can barely breathe and then do it all over again. i want to feel their perfect fingers inside me and i want their mouth on mine. i fucking#HATE that they couldn’t be a good person. ugh okay anyways why did you read this??
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i would like to stop experiencing the full spectrum of human emotions every day please. putting this out into the universe
#had suchhh a good workday. had hot pot with my roommate where we talked about our quarter life crises#and then came home and had a 3 hour screaming match with both of my parents where i said i was cutting them out of my life#it turns out. my dad still does not understand what the word bi means even tho his fucking wife is bi#he was like 'so you marry someone and six months later you see someone else you like and u go marry them instead?'#like genuinely. truly trying to understand#and that shocked me enough to stop crying#do not reblog please#like in hindsight it is SO funny#and that was the point where i was like. wait is this not malice#this is homophobia but i don't think it's malice#anyways we're all Ok now#we've agreed that i'm going to do what i want#and even if they're unhappy they're still gonna have a relationship with me#and they'll figure out how to adjust#my brother periodically came into the room and also screamed at my parents#i feel bad for them a lil bit. like they're not bad people#after he left my mom told me that a week and a half ago#my brother came into her room and told her that when she died he would bury her in a grave instead#of the traditional last rites (cremation rituals etc etc)#if she wouldn't accept me#and my mom said she was on a bunch of meds cause she's sick so she was so out of it it didn't even register what he was going on about#and then today after that convo she was like WAIT A MIN WHAT THE FUCK DID THIS BOY SAY TO ME#funniest 16 year old u could have on your side#truly he kept coming into the room every 5 min and going HEY HAVE YOU BOTH CONSIDERED NOT BEING HOMOPHOBIC. HAVE YOU.#HEY CAN U TELL YOUR DAUGHTER YOU STILL LOVE HER MAYBE??? THINK??? USE YOUR BRAIN???#this is why i would die for this kid#he's the best#he's such an idiot most of the time but when he's not being an idiot he's my favorite person on earth#don't tell him that tho anyone please#he'll hold it against me forever and ever as siblings do
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caved and watched the first 5 episodes of hotd and rn all i gotta say is i wouldn't even wish the fate of being a high ranking offical's daughter/wife in the GoT universe onto my worst enemy godddd
#YES I'M MAD LATE AND I SAID I'D WATCH IT A YEAR AGO....PLANS CHANGE STUFF HAPPENS but i always kept it on my mind#my least faves so far....otto and the cole guy.#not the biggest fan of daemon either rn. well it's more like whyyyy does he love to cause problems on purpose#all of this probs subject to change except otto i'm so glad viserys called him out on essentially pimping out his daughter#my thoughts on rhaenicent omfg........not for the weak and ik it's only gonna get worse#other thoughts. mysaria. lowkey queen i cannot blame her for getting a bag when she's just been screwed over#v interesting how even viserys is nottt above the system that allowed him to be king and HAS to take a wife + have kids#bc of his fucking council...and chooses alicent which i gasped at even tho ik it was coming obvi#like it was either her or his 12 y/o cousin when he's like. pushing 40??? mid 30s??? idfk#ick all around tho poor alicent her wearing that green dress. a statement. damn.#rhaenyra they can never make me hate you...never...am i always gonna be happy with her actions.no. am i gonna defend her. probs#srsly tho it's her birthright to be queen bottom line. i liked her seeing the white stag that was nice#rip to laenor's bf he did notttt deserve that at all ik cole thought he was being blackmailed and was mad paranoid atp but bro#imagine watching your secret lover die on your arranged marriage night if i was laenor u would have to drag me to that altar#um tldr i like it i'm scared acting supurb i like the tidbits at the end where they explain everyone's actions#hotd#my text
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literally still thinking abt the liveshow. like that will be burned into my memory but also im SO SAD bc i think bc of technical difficulties this show isn't actually being uploaded to the paetron BUT IT WAS GENUINELY SO FUCKING GOOD. Like the dads as teens interacting with the s2 teens ??????? the dads as babies ???????? GENUINELY? I WISH I COULD BEAM MY MEMORY OF THIS SHOW INTO ALL UR BRAINS i need more ppl to know of its existence so i can scream about it. Also never fucking recovering from emo teenager henry actually
#dndads#cal rambles#like there was genuinely so much#so much stuff that I KNOW the tumblr part of the fandom would absolutely lose their shit over#IM SO SAD THAT IM NOT GONNA SEE THAT HAPPEN#WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY BEINF SO ECTASTIC THAT I GOT TO WITNESS IT#normal stabbed tilt in the heart with an arrow btw she kept trying to call his bluff and he got increasingly more unhinged#I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE EVERYTING THAT HAPPENED ACTUALLY SORRY IM JUSY STILL REALING FROM NORM STILL BEING SO MISERABLE AND UNHINGED#DESPITE THIS BEING PRE-S2 CANON#anyways genuinely if anyone has ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL abt it I WILL ANSWER!!!!!!!!!#rolling on ghe fucking ground i cant cover everything#not over glenn telling taylor he's perfect just the way he is ans to never change#not over henry telling normal to be his best self and GIVING NORMAL THE PG FIRST DRAWING OF TEENIE THEREBY INSPIRING NORMAL TO BE TEENIE#not over Scary instantly having a crush on emo teen Henry#not over Link saying PEACE OUT FUCKERS and leaving them all behind in what is essentially dimensional prison#not over the teenage Henry writing poetry abt Daryl and wanting to ask him out#TBH I HAVENT TALKED MUCH ABT IT BUT THE FIRST HALF WHERE THEY WERE BABIES? THAT WAS FUCKING TOP NOTCH TOO#anyways. i need to calm down and go the fuck to sleep
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transfem kon proposal could have been good if was good
#it was not. good#and i know theres a lot of transphobic assholes happy we didnt get it bc of that#but pretending that everyone who criticizes it is doing so only bc they cant handle kon being a trans woman. is just.#you cant see past the blind want for representation#again i would kill for canon transfem kon but everything about that idea was bad#and her characterization of kon was horrid and so clearly based on yj tv show#remember how when her first bit of kon writing came out and everyone was mad about it bc it was Bad and put him in a relationship with mgan#who he. never spoke to in comics before but suddenly theyre in an established relationship#and it was all around not good kon writing. but then the proposal came out and suddenly everyone is oh we were robbed..#as if anything about it was good except for the general idea of making kon a trans woman#also im sorry but i saw her replies on twt where she was saying being trans is about burning your past and leaving everything behind#or whatever. as if being trans is the same for all of us. and as if it makes sense for kon who isnt in a bad situation re family?#but of course it would seem that way if youre coming from yj tv show. where most of the clark and kon misconception comes from afaik#and her whole issue with conner and kon as his names? bc they were given to him by another person??#i know that we like. if we were to get trans woman kon. it would have to go with changing her name and everything#bc u know dc cant conceptualize any more complex trans person than someone who instantly changes their name and fully transitions in a sec#but the way she talked about the name issue as if its bad that clark named kon. as if he wasnt so overjoyed at getting that name.#'he said not to call him superboy and we kept calling him superboy!' girl he said that bc he wanted to be superman. of all the many ways#u can find trans allegory in kons story. that single line aint it#so sorry but every time im reminded of this i get so sad and disappointed u took the best concept and fucked it up so bad#and now all people think of when trans kon is mentioned is fucking sk*******#its so over (its not bc im about to forget about it again and ignore its existence)#txt#im sorry for being a bitch again but did u read that. thats not the kon we know. dont tell me thats the point bc its about transitioning bc#u do not become a whole other person when u realize youre trans#and sorry but i do think itd be nice to have trans kon without just turning him into a (new) oc
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so now im sure she is the one who has been sending me anon hate about me being ugly.... 💀
#she said things like oh i would never send anon hate to anyone!!!#but ig ppl just say anything and then do it anyway 💀#ppl will just lie and pretend to be your friend to then use your insecurities against u#if she acted like a grown up and talked to me i wouldve listened#but that wouldve required her to listen to me tooand not just judge me#and ig she couldnt do that#so she took the easy route#like if i explained to her that yeah i felt abandoned by u bc u just stopped talking to me as soon as u got a bf#and then i kept talking to that guy bc of these reasons where i wanted to see if i could pick up on signs#bc being abused by my bf is one of my biggest fears i have#and she wouldve said iget that but i still feel uncomfortable. then i couldve listened to hger and decided if i wanted to keep making her#uncomfortable and hurt her or just stop. but she didnt say anything or try to communicate or listen#and now to see what a fucking shallow narrow minded view she has#is frustrating bc she hadnt even tried to talk or understand or communicate or explain her side#which is like ok that sucks but whatever i will just let it go#but then she keeps sending me hate abt what i confided to her abt and talk shit abt me and it is like#can u just let it go#just stop everything. lets just pretend we have never known eo or talked at all#anyway ig i dont wanna be friend w a woman who invalidates founded fears#like shes just the kind of woman who would tell her friends that#oh yeah your bf hit u just bc he loves u stop complaining!!#so ig this is good either way but like. ig she just assumes i was flirting behind her back#bc she cant comprehend a woman only being friendly with a guy#and like i didnt keep telling that guy im already in love w someone lmao 💀💀#gosh...disappointing. people are so disappointing#and childish and shallow and narrow minded. yikes
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apparently i have a half sister???
what the fuck???
#???#the secret world of merry mac#apparently my mom facebook-stalks her????? ''oh yeah she looks just like [your dad]'' ??????????#does she???? i don't know????? turns out i don't know what my dad looks like either i guess?????#i've always coasted through life thinking that everyone else has family drama but not me...#and now there's 2 whammo! situations in this one week right here#wham sitch no. 1: danny uninvited me to his wedding bc he's mad that i said Bad Words on the phone to him while i was driving#(we were supposed to meet at an exit on the freeway so i could hand over some stuff he'd left at my mom's house. literally the only info#he gave me was: ''meet me at Ridgegate Parkway exit'' and it turned out there's FUCKING NOTHING at that exit. there wasn't#anywhere to even pull over. no parking lots no nothing. so i was talk-to-texting and i'd already been driving for 6 hours and I HAD#KEPT HIM UPDATED AS TO WHERE I WAS so there was no lack of information on my part. APPARENTLY i was supposed to psychically#intuit that i should have gone to the Park N Ride parking lot off the exit. i did not intuit this and therefore had no idea i should have#been looking for that. so i was upset and driving around in circles in rush hour traffic in Lone Tree CO where everyone drives $50K#SUVs and they drive them aggressively. Danny of course thinks this is MY fault because i didn't pick up the phone to call him and#ask for more information apparently. reminder: i was driving. 99% of my driving was on the mf freeway doing 80mph. i wasn't going#to open the phone then open my contacts and then scroll down to his name and then make a call. talk to text was already dumb and#dangerous to do but it was a lot easier to glance at the phone or make it read a text to me than it was to make a phone call and play#20 Questions about where the fuck i was supposed to meet him.)#y'know if he had just said ''hey meet me at the Mod Pizza by the IKEA'' that would have been fine!! literally all the info i needed!#but noOo he had to be the smartest smuggest person in the chat and give me only partial information)#wham sitch no. 2: apparently i have an older half sister who looks just like our shared father. huh.
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getting a handle on mavis is kinda 😵💫 bc on the one hand she's an empath (literally) and is shown to generally have more emotional intelligence/maturity than dr🅰️x/nebs/rocket combined, but at the same time she apparently saw no problem at all whatsoever w kidnapping kevin 🥓 for peter 😭 which is like???? i mean maybe those two things can be true at the same time but like... How. 😭 is she an empath or is she okay w taking people against their will to give as a present to her brother ?
#just some thoughts b4 bed...#ooc.#james 🔫 leaving me to have to make sense of this all like ok thanks#i do think she's somewhat Stunted in regards to social behaviour that's considered acceptable or appropriate#bc for most of her life she lived on ego's planet w literally nobody else but him and his children (her half siblings) that he kept killing#he straight up didnt even acknowledge he was her father. he had her call him Master. so like... yeah. no parenting done there#but she gets Most of that sorted out when she meets the guardians i think#(like basically she figures out how Not to act by looking at dr🅰️x and 🚀 lol)#im also 100% sure gam🅾️ra would've taught her some things woman to woman (my girl i'll avenge u from what goftg3 did to u)#so u would THINK w/ all that mavis would think twice before just straight up kidnapping a guy. but No#im gna say this is bc mavis kinda has a one track mind. what she knows is that peter is sad and she wants to cheer him up#dr🪓 gives her a solution: get peter his fave hero#she goes yay! and is so fixated on that part of it that she doesn't stop to consider the consequences#bc kevin is just. part of the goal at this point and not a person#so she's always. Always well intentioned. just sometimes doesn't think about all the angles as much as she should#does that make sense? i hope so. imc rying#well intentioned but doing fucked up things also applies to that scene where she erases dra❌'s memory#bc he's sad!!!!!!! he was hurt by something she said so she wanted to take it away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but she just went and took his memory of it without asking without even stopping to think if she should and that's#beautiful to me bc mavis is sweet and empathetic and she LOVES him just like she does all the other guardians#but she's fucked up too!!!!!! like the rest of them!!! just in different ways and i Love that in a woman#anyway. god. ive spoken too much in the tags. apparently i have a lot of feelings about this
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my mom wants to medicate me at all costs
#for context#she has had me on adhd medications since i was in first grade#every single one of them has had horrible side effects#she said one of them made it where i didn’t smile for a month#and after years of this#instead of thinking maybe my child doesn’t need meds#she just kept going!!!#and eventually she found one she liked#and it gave me an eating disorder but nobody cared because i’ve always been skinny so obviously it’s natural for me to not eat much#(it’s not natural. i was gourging myself in the middle of the night when the meds wore off.)#and i genuinely had no emotions or personality but thats fine bc 13 year olds are shy and they pull away from their parents#and every time i said ‘hey mom and psychiatrist i don’t like the meds’ they’d fucking ramp them up#to the point that i was on a dosage that does not exist. i was taking multiple pills. because i was the only person on that dose.#i was fifteen.#and now i’m an adult and i NEVER take adhd medication for obvious fucking reasons#but any time anything negative happens with my emotions#like i’ll be like ‘ugh im frustrated at this video game’#my mom is like MAYBE YOU NEED TO BE ON 115 MG OF CONCERTA AGAIN. THAT WOULD FIX YOU.#i have the absolute lowest dose of vyvanse and i only take it when i ABSOLUTELY am sure i need to focus#and my mom wants me to take it to do shit like go to the arcade#she genuinely once said she likes me more when im medicated#so no#the red dye thing isn’t a genuine suggestion#it’s an attack on me. because she wants her freak kid to be normal so badly she’s willing to ruin its life.
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my entire family goes to bed at 9:30 because i live with fucking old people (im joking. somewhat.) and from then on i have to move around the house quietly. this wouldn't be a problem except that my door is incredibly and uniquely fucked up and nigh impossible to open even remotely quietly
#and it can't be left open because the cat will beeline into my room and make my life hell#every door in my house is absolutely fucking horrible in its own way but my room is really bad#the doorknob is like. dislocated. or just made for a much thicker door because the middle part of it is like 3 cm too long#and i either have to align it carefully or pull on it (makes a very loud sound) and then using a very specific amount of pressure turning#while continuing to pull on it so it won't pop#oh and i can technically open it turning both directions but going right makes it pop so fucking loud it's actually ridiculous#the very unpleasant sound of painted metal on painted metal#kiwifae says shit#my partner of two years is just getting the hang of my bedroom door#my friend came over and literally got stuck in the bathroom cuz she couldn't make the door open again#she literally tried for a few seconds and then just yelled for me 😭#that door also pops open randomly sometimes. i do not know why. it didn't use to.#back when the front door was still semi functional i had to fish the literal latch out of the cavity in the lock with a screwdriver cuz my#mom kept slamming the door and misaligning it even though we told her that's what fucks it up#we can only deadbolt that door now. it literally won't close otherwise. (that's how we lost the cat for five days!)#(back when it still semi worked i was the only one who knew how to close it at just the right strength so it would stick but not fall out)#((why isn't there an eye twitch emoji))#but our other outside door exclusively has a deadbolt. that's the only mechanism.#i'm the fucking door wizard in my house and i cannot WAIT to move somewhere where i have functional semi modern door handles#gawd bless i want to kill my fucking landlady
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#it’s grief over sharing o’clock because….#the life insurance checks arrived at my sister’s today#and i am SICK over it#because like.. we’ve known about the policy for years. and in those last few weeks she kept checking to make sure we had all the paperwork#ready to go. i know she wanted to leave us with something#but it feels so dirty now.#my sister and i just sat there after we filed and stared at eachother in silence#like?? your mother died??? HAVE A CASH PRIZE!!!#the agent that called.. while lovely… was literally like ‘i’m so sorry for your loss… where would you like the check sent?’#it’s fucking awful#🦋❤️
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today's exam was good. restored a tiny bit of my faith in humanity
#that's what happens when a professor is a human being with emotions and understanding for another person#everyone is happy people pass or people will retake and pass on the retake#mr soil mechanics guy why can't you teach also other subjects#the durability of materials was a fucking joke#and PSB that i'll take on Wednesdays makes me unable to sleep at night#but it's the final boss it's the only thing that's left#the best scenario would be to absolutely obliterate the exam and get full points#gosh the satisfaction would be so amazing#but rule 1 of civil engineering studies do not be greedy when it comes to exams so a 3.0 will be perfectly enough for me#while i still remember i gotta do the surveys on lectures#i gotta write a whole asa essay on one guy in particular#dude failed my friend because she hadn't adjust one paragraph properly#and kept on being a sexist mysoginist and racist during the whole semester#fucking insane when after two girls ask where is one dude they have labs with he suggests they're looking for him to fuck#writing complaints probably won't get him fired but it's better than not doing anything
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crazy awesome scary dream last night abt being stuck in sone sort of infinite labyrinth
#u were put with a group of likeee 10 and u had to stick with them the whole way theu if possible#if you died you went back to a checkpoint which were likr every 10 levels or si#and the levels varied from like cool abstract scenery to gore horror mazes to fun games to murder chases#there was a creature in the labyrinth called ‘mother’ which is almost definitely subconsciously inspired by tboi. but she was veryyyyy hard#to deal with like she could disrupt the regular levels by initiating super fast chases thru like. puzzle or maze levels#orrrr infiltrating ur team and posing as one of them only to kill u over snd over (happened to me on my first run)#there was a strange time loop quality to the whole thing#there were like safe levels at each checkpoint where items would likeee respawn or smth#on my second run i left a belt at the start but then i went back to get it bc i didnt want to lose it#but we had to keep like resetting to make it appear#and when i found it my team member attacked me for whatever reason (vriska type.)#and i died for whatever reason abd spawned back there… now i had two belts#on my first run mother chased me and the other guy for fucjing agesssss it was so scary. and on another ocassion i think she tricked me#ended up like complety goring me and turning me into sone cyborg or snth??????#but i managed to kill her. i firget how#but in our second run we got her in the firsttt fucking room LOL#it was like ‘u have 5 secs until mother appears’#and we had to sit on this painting of her and like basically suffocate her#but shr kept trying to trick us likr i think my mate got tricked and covered in blood#we had to sit there for like 10 mins. and then when we left she woke up anyway and started a chase#and it was like. frame perfect fucking chase man. so hard.#ok heres some fun levels i remember. OFF reference with baseball guys throwinh u towards the goal (puzzle level)#hugeeee like massive scale antiques shop with a bunch of toys in it. and fish for whatever eeaon. like we were ant scale and everything was#massive (scenery level)#huge fuckoff maze w monsters in it that mother chased me thru on my first run (maze level)#snowy mountain and maybbeee there was a polar bear? i think BUT thst may have just been the outside starting area for my second run#bc that was also snowy#anyway it was an awesomeee fucking dream.
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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A big thank you to my mutuals who like my nervous breakdown 2-4am posts. You're the backbone of my blog
#its like im not completely alone#idk#what losing a cat does to a woman i guess but#lets be real i was like this before#im just a sad person who laments more than takes action and#i think ill be sad forever probably#in that way some people are#i feel like im one reality over from where im supposed to be yakno?#i used to have this image id hold onto of leaves in the sunlight when i was a kid and i kept waiting for someone to talk to me who#would take me wherever that was#maybe thats the nature of never fitting in u get too in your head and then#reality doesnt feel like home#yeah ive heard people say shit like that sbout books#sorry im not wearing my glasses#lately days blend together and i feel like i cant hold into time#and people talking to me (when they do) sounds miles away#takes ages to get to me if it does at all#oops! sounds like im dissociating hahahahaah oh fuck#when u write it all out. stares at ya right in the face#if im not doing something it feels like my anxiety will latch onto anything#like. rn i feel like im gonna throw up bc of like 5 different things about my car#car insurance. registration. trying to find a job#then it spirals into what ifs. and how thatd suck#constantly this shit. constantly! the only reprieve is going to hang w my grandmother who is 90 and talking about death a lot#😵💫#but shes my best friend so ???! fuck!#man idk. im so sad. idek what to do abt this. work out#maybe get a new actor to have a crush on#what makes people happy? idk#em yaps
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#can I admit that the meme like#'is she attractive or just skinny' has kinda fucked me in the head?#cause recently people have kept saying how good I look#and I'm scared it's just cause I'm skinny#don't get me wrong I would gladly not get complimented#I would become incorporeal if I could#no body and you can't see me#I entirely know where the original sentiment is coming from#and I don't think it's trying to throw skinny people under the bus again#but it ends up feeling that way#I'm not saying I'm correct for thinking this#but it's how I feel#no matter how twisted and misguided those feelings may be
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