#which fair because its 5AM ! but also that timing was so unfortunate it made me feel a little like he went to bed bc i wasnt worth talking

[boycannibal]

bro im.

[cinematicnomad]

1, 7, 25 for the fanfic end of year ask :)

001. favorite fic you wrote this year i have a soft spot for take my hand (take my everything) which was the first fic i wrote this year! and kind of the first step back into writing creatively on something new that wasn’t the 7 year monster sterek fic. also my first foray into 9-1-1 fic and was just a lot of fun! 

007. longest completed fic you wrote this year the longest fic i wrote was my second for the year! so show me (family) wound up being around 16k+ for 9-1-1 which kind of burst out of me over the course of one 48 hour window unlike take my hand which took a few weeks to crank out. 

025. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read SO MANY FICS DUDE!!! i’m gonna rec a couple, some that i re-read this year and some that i discovered for the first time, all from a variety of fandoms. BUT heads up, you didn’t specify a fandom so it’s gonna be a little scattered. also someone else sent me this same question but specified 9-1-1, so i’m gonna reserve those recs for that ask. GET READY!!

and this, your living kiss by opal_bullets (7/7 | 84k+ | M) destiel; AU: college/university; john winchester’s A+ parenting; angst with a happy ending

only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet jack allen is just kansas mechanic dean winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen.

until, that is, a string of coincidences leads dean to auditing a poetry course with one dr. castiel novak. the professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia’s foremost expert on the poetry of jack allen.

note: i discovered this fic back in the pre-pandemic times of feb 2020 and i’ve read this fic TWICE since, leaving a lengthy comment each time. the poetry in the fic itself is stunningly gorgeous and i have a habit of reading it out loud to myself while reading bc it begs to be heard. this fic is seriously beautiful and makes me want to read all the poet!dean au’s out there in the world. unfortunately there aren’t that many so i just keep coming back to this well. i don’t think i can express enough how much i love this fic. 

lost time by ARCurren (105/105 | 350k+ | T)  bransonxsybil; AU: canon divergent; outsider POVs; original characters; slow burn

the story of a free spirit who was asked to give up the man she loved for a system she didn’t believe in and what happened next. AU after 3.04. 

note: did i think, when i stumbled across this fic years ago, that it would wind up being one of my all time favorites that i return to time and again to re-read? never. did i re-read it for like the dozenth time this year?? 110%. this fic is everything i want from fanfiction—it’s beautifully written, expands on canon, and shows me all the hidden moments the cameras never did (not to mention it’s historically accurate and delves deep into irish politics of the time). the first third or so of this fic is all about tom and sybil’s slow burn romance at downton, but the fic really bursts into its own when we follow the two to dublin and get introduced to all of the author’s deliciously detailed oc’s. heads up warning: this fic was never officially completed, though the final chapter is a beautifully written summary of the final arc of the fic. even so, it’s fucking worth it. 

misfire by mothlights & unpossible (6/6 | 28k+ | T) sterek; time travel; angst with a happy ending; alive hale family; magic; alternating POV

“the debt must be repaid,” she says, and it has the weight of a vow. the words resonate through him, ringing through his ribcage and the bones of his jaw, and stiles loses his breath and maybe his grip on reality because she draws herself upright and where there had once stood a supermodel-level MILK now there is galadriel’s much hotter older sister, a presence of unmistakable power in their ordinary, smells-vaguely-of-thai-takeout hallway. 

“oh shit,” stiles says. 

note: this fic is the first in the misfire ‘verse and i need you to understand that it literally broke me when i binge read these fics a month or so ago. i am a sucker for a solid time travel fic especially bc there are such few good ones in fandom. but this gets at the heart of it all by exploring the idea of stiles getting the chance to save derek’s family and taking it...after he and derek are romantically together in his true timeline and then actually dealing with the ramifications of how that alters everything and how stiles survives in this new present where he and derek are virtual strangers. everyone should definitely read this, but you should also know that i fucking sobbed while reading the sequel (which also has a happy ending, but really digs deep into the nitty gritty angst of the repercussions). 

map of the world by seperis (11/11 | 154k+ | M)  destiel; end!verse; alternate universe; canon divergent; original characters; slow burn

the world’s already over and they’re already dead. all they’re doing now is marking time until the end. 

note: look, if you don’t know about down to agincourt by @seperis, what are you doing with your life?? the series is over 1M+ words so far, the fic author is on book 4 out of a planned 8, and it’s fucking phenomenal. i know i’ve tagged a couple of these recs as slow burn but...this is the slowest slow burn to ever burn. canon!dean travels back into the end!verse timeline just as lucifer kills dean and somehow cas made it out alive and has to keep dean safe while he learns to become his end!verse counterpoint. the world building in this series is intense and i cannot recommend it enough. i’m still in the midst of my re-read bc it’s SUCH an endeavor but i highly recommend it to everybody. 

invictus by ellanasan (116/116 | 355+ | M) hayffie; au: alive abernathy family; pre-hunger games; canon prostitution; slow burn

“so then, before i can even think about doing something stupid like trying to stab him with his fucking golden paperknife, he gives me a choice, see?” haymitch continued, almost detached. “either i play nice like all the other victors or he’ll kill my family. i could either become his puppet—greatest punishment he could give me, according to him—or i could become the example.”

AU in which haymitch’s family lives.

note: hello, have you ever wondered what the hunger games series would be like if haymitch’s family were alive? i fucking hadn’t until 2 years ago when i stumbled across this fic and fell head over heels in love with this ship. @ellanainthetardis is my go to hunger games fic writer for anything exploring canon and i’m obsessed with anything she writes about the OG victors pre-canon (finnick, joanna, chaff, etc). this fic is just 300k+ exploring that world and all the intricate details of how cruel the games could really be. HIGHLY recommend. i definitely re-read it this fall when i needed a pick me up.

don’t know what i’m supposed to do (haunted by the ghost of you) by crazyassmurdererwall (1/1 | 30k+ | T) sterek; canon divergent; angst with a happy ending; ghosts; stiles POV

stiles sees dead people. yep. seriously.

(he’s got this. he’s totally got this. so what if one of them is derek’s mom?)

note: did you know that @crazyassmurdererwall is one of my all time favorite people? and that she’s wicked talented? and that in our spare time she’ll send me a billion fic ideas that are amazing and i get to hear all the intricate details of her plot bunnies? but i digress. this fic is one of my all time fave sterek fics i’ve re-read it sooo many times. there’s just something about the heartache and stiles’ insecurity and the way he tries to shoulder it all on his own. and then there’s alli’s brilliant writing, the way she weaves through a scene and paints a picture just so and manages to tug at your heart strings with her precise word choice. there’s some amazing world building in this fic as it explores this other facet of the supernatural that canon teen wolf never touched upon, and i’m so grateful for that bc alli is the only one who should be allowed to write about ghosts and teen wolf together. 

lagavulin and guinness by snarfle (10/10 | 163k+ | explicit) hartwin; slow burn; PTSD; suicidal thoughts; graphic depictions of violence; domestic abuse

plenty of people had looked down on eggsy throughout his life. he had gotten fairly used to it. didn’t mean it was fair, but he knew how these things worked. what really sucked was that the new arthur was worse than the old one.

“eggsy grimaced. he didn’t know how to explain to harry—who seemed like he hadn’t been discriminated against a day in his life—that the new arthur kept giving him what amounted to suicide missions, and that he was currently bleeding out in a warehouse because of the deliberately bad intel she had given him.”

also featuring: dean is harder to get rid of than eggsy thought, his mum is going off the deep end, there are way too many nefarious plots in play, and eggsy is really beginning to wish that harry would stop holding his hand and kiss him instead.

note: look, i know i recced this literally less than a week ago but i ALSO stayed up til 5AM re-reading this last night and it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. i was on a bit of a kingsman kick earlier this year, so i’ve actually re-read this fic TWICE so far in 2020. i will give you a serious warning in that this fic delves deep into domestic abuse through the lens of a variety of different relationships. it also explores the potential for abuse in hartwin, bc this fic is one of the few that actually commits to the fact that they’re literal spies who murder people. actively. a lot. but seriously, this fic is one of my fave in the fandom and i STRONGLY recommend it. 

waste of breath by bryrosea (1/1 | 22k+ | M) loganxveronica; canon compliant; missing scenes; navy; past child abuse

logan echolls, the nine years, and the navy.

note: bryrosea has an obscene number of amazing logan and veronica fics (her canon divergent series stay with me is another i re-read this year), but i’ve found myself returning to this fic a lot over the years. i’m a sucker for canon compliant fics that explore the missing scenes in between canon and this fic hits all the right buttons by diving deep into how logan echolls went from being a trash fire at hearst college at the end of s3 to being a decorated navy pilot by the movie. it explores logan seeking out therapy and making a life for himself that he can be proud of, all while pining after the girl who got away. and bc this author is amazing, she followed it up with a sequel from veronica’s point of view in the series done by only me. 

the law of equivalent exchange by awed_frog (8/8 | 60k+ | M) destiel; POV castiel; pre-canon; post-canon; canon compliant; immortality; reincarnation

“and what’s the point of it?”

“of love? there isn’t one. loving is its own purpose.” 

note: i mean??? i don’t really know what to say except that this is one of the truly most beautiful fics i have ever read. it follows castiel through time as he meets different reincarnations of sam and dean across history and falls ever more deeply in love. it is achingly tender and so ecstatically written that i die just thinking about it. and that summary? i mean. holy fuck break my heart why don’t you? i don’t know how i missed out on this fic for so long since it was published in 2015 but i only learned about it for the first time back in july and it was. life changing?? when the fic finally reaches the canon timeline and he meets THIS dean it’s peak yearning. 10/10 will read again.

ahead in the count by elisela (17/17 | 50k+ | E) sterek; AU: sports; pitcher!stiles; teacher!derek; long distance relationship; getting together

“yankee fan,” derek says, laughing when stiles makes a disgusted face. “the bronx bombers, stiles, you can’t be a new yorker and—”

“stop talking right now,” stiles sighs, shaking his head. “i can’t believe i still want to kiss you after that,” he says, pulling derek in by his coat. “this is making me rethink everything.” 

“i’ll never watch them again,” derek promises, and stiles laughs against his mouth. 

or: stiles is a starting pitcher for the NY mets when he meets and falls in love with derek. derek doesn’t know. 

note: i read SO MANY of @elisela’s 911 fics this summer, which i loved, and then she got into teen wolf and started writing sterek and i just about died. this fic is amazing, one of my fave sterek AU’s that i’ve read in years. it’s just the right amount of drama and angst and fluff filled with all the joys of miscommunication and character relationships that makes reading sterek such a joy. reading this fic and finding out eli needed fic recs pushed me to dive back in to reading sterek fics for a bit this fall so i can say with the utmost authority that this is one of the best i’ve read in a long time. 

i used to think one day we’d tell the story of us by notequitegucci (2/2 | 32k+ | M) gendrya; alternate universe—modern setting; outsider POV; friends to lovers; friends to lovers

9 times a stark encounters gendry + 1 time he meets the starks.

note: again, this is the first in a 2 part series titled love me like you do that explores arya and gendry’s dynamics together through the point of view of her family. game of thrones ended last year with a whimper but i keep returning to the gendrya tag on ao3 to seek out new, amazing content and also to re-read some old favorites. i can’t remember if i came across this for the first time last year or this one, but i’ve read it and re-read it more times than i can count since and i love it more than i can describe. i’m a total sucker for outsider POV fics and my biggest pet peeve in canon is the fact that none of the stark’s ever found out that arya and gendry had a history together. this modern au fic almost makes up for it by giving me a gendry encounter with every family member and then the big reveal. it’s peak content. 

theeeeeeese recs got a little away from me. i wasn’t originally intending on adding lengthy notes to each entry but ... oh well!! these are all amazing so please enjoy. 

fanfic end of the year asks

[jessiewre]

Day 22

Sun 26th Jan 💜

It’s been a year to the day since we lost Nanny. That’s mad isn’t it. Miss that legend.

Woke up at about 5am because we’d gone to bed too early, but managed to power through and stay in bed till 7am. Phil got up and continued researching his new obsession - a half marathon near Kilimanjaro - and I joined him at 8:30am for Spanish omelette breakfast included in our 25$ a night room. Good deal that init. People say that in London you’re never further than like 5 meters away from a rat. Well thats like me and good deals, there’s always one close by for me to sniff out. Maybe I’m more like one of those pigs and the deals are truffles.

I digress...

The hostel manager was now wearing a chefs coat and I realised he was now the chef. What a multi-talented chap he was. I threw him into a frenzy by asking for salt, pepper, ketchup and chilli sauce, and eventually went into the kitchen myself to assist.

The ketchup was in a huge bucket bottle in the fridge and he gracefully glugged it out into a plastic squeezey bottle that he couldn’t find the lid for. Yum.

Shout out to Stella and Helen who will surely boke at that description of keptchup.

We got bodas to the Woman’s Centre for the recommended walking tour starting at 10am - but there was a big bike race on believe it or not, and so road blocks meant we had to walk the last kilometre. Phil was loving the bike race, I could see his legs twitching like he was imagining himself on a bike that moment, but I soon snapped him back to reality by power-walking ahead to avoid us being super late to the walk.

The sky was rapidly turning a dark shade of grey but Phil assured me that the weather report he’d checked stated that there would be no rain until midday or later.

You may be able to sense where this is going.

We arrived at the Centre and sat in the sofa area for the introduction, and the exact moment the woman began to talk and tell us about the community, the rain began to thunder on the metal roof and no one could hear a word she said. After 10 minutes, the intro finished and the rain actually calmed down a little, but then it went totally crazy again and me and Phil looked at each other like...hmm should we just not do this walking tour.

Another English girl there was thinking the same thing and the 3 of us decided to ditch the tour and head back the next day, while the 3 older people and a young American woman went off in the torrential rain with umbrellas. Umbrella’s are all good and well but I couldn’t see another soul on the streets so I seriously doubted how good a community walking tour would be in this weather. We chatted to the English girl, Esther, and she was ending a weeks work doing research for the Princes Trust who she works for. In a nutshell, she creates programmes for local groups in different countries to integrate technology into their lives to improve their prospects and quality of life. Really interesting! Phil mentioned that she should hang at our hostel later if she wanted as we were planning on trying out the bowling alley on site, and she was really up for that, especially considering she was in Kigali on her own and it was her last night.

The rain eventually calmed down enough for us to jump on a boda and we decided that considering the rain, it would be appropriate to visit the Genocide Museum at this point. We knew we were going to visit it at some point so made sense to be inside during the rain.

We were really hungry though and didn’t want to rush through the museum, so thankfully there was a cafe on site where we had a vege burger and vege panini, both with chips. We decided we’d try and lay off the chips for a while after that meal, it was the chip that broke the camels back.

The Rwandan Genocide museum was a harrowing and necessary visit.

The below information is upsetting, I’ll warn you now.

genocide

noun

noun: genocide; plural noun: genocides

1. the deliberate killing of a large group of people, especially those of a particular nation or ethnic group.

To briefly summarise, the problems began when the country was ‘colonised’ - or should we say if we’re being honest, when the country was invaded against its will. The Germans were first in 1899 then the Belgians in 1916 and then the Belgian’s decided to split the country into three different groups. Ultimately this created a sort of competition between the groups of people that had never existed before and this was what they say sparked the issues in the country. Fast forward to 1994, and the genocide officially began, over a period of 100 days - neighbours were murdering neighbours, friends were murdering friends. Relatives even betrayed each other. By turning people against each other, the ringleaders were able to sit back and watch the killings happen for them.

Being in the country now, its very difficult to imagine it happening, as it feels vibrant, friendly and safe. But the images in the museum leave you under no illusions. People were mindlessly slaughtered, no one was spared - children, pregnant women and men. It was absolutely mind-blowingly horrendous.

The museum talks a lot about how the international community sat back and let it happen, like Rwanda was on another planet that no one cared about. There is obviously a lot of pain from that which was difficult to read about.

But there were also a number of people who put themselves on the line by hiding people in their houses and gardens, saving many lives. Unfortunately, there were not enough of those people and over a million people were killed. They are still uncovering mass graves today.

There were videos playing with interviews from survivors talking about the guilt they feel from being the only member of their family who survived. But incredibly, they spoke about forgiveness and said they would like to forgive the perpetrators if they were willing to ask for forgiveness. They spoke about moving forward with only peace in mind, as this was what would move Rwanda forward in a peaceful way. By seeking revenge, the violence and pain would continue, they said. It’s unbelievable to hear that from someone who watched their innocent young siblings and mother murdered by machete in front of their very eyes. You can’t even imagine what this person has gone through.

One of the most difficult parts of the museum was The Children’s Room. This section had beautiful photos of child victims printed in large portraits displayed around the room, with a small plaque underneath each one with bullet points of information about the child, like:

Name

Age

Favourite Snack

Best Friend


Then the final point for every child was

Cause of death

The descriptions here were detailed and distressing.

Obviously there is a huge amount of detail missing from this account of the genocide and I urge you to have a read about it if you have time and are interested.

We left there after a few hours taking it all in and went to find the Inema Art gallery, as we’d read about it being a really cool artists space that has had a lot of international interest.

It was different to what I expected, as there wasn’t actually a lot of pieces in there - more like a few extremely large pieces, each priced around $5000. So obviously, we bought two and headed off.

Well anyway, some of the artists were there stood near their art in smart clothes and were hoping for a super rich muzungu coming in and buying everything. That was not going to be us, so we thanked them and headed to the cafe for a little coffee.

Not before I asked them if there were any female artists there.

One guy said No, the women in Rwanda seem to stick to the craft-making and THEN he said that even though many are good at art, he thinks they are lacking in passion.

I said Hmm perhaps you means Confidence, not passion.

He was like Oh yeah, maybe that.

Yeah MAYBE THAT mate.

We boda’d back to the hostel and Phil donned up in his gear for a run. Just before heading off, he finally booked himself a spot onto the Kilimanjaro half marathon in Moshi, Tanzania on 1st March. FFS. Better get practicing on my excited supportive girlfriend look then.

Meanwhile I sat in the hostel garden watching videos on how to use Procreate on the iPad. Suddenly realised Phil had been gone AGES and then he rocked up having run like 10 MILES and then said Oh also, I may have tripped over and potentially broken my toe.

He’d taken out his phone to check the map and ended up kicking a bit of metal sticking out of the group, and then he’d fallen over and made a few new cracks on his phone screen (to join the 5 that were already there).

Wicked.

Phil had a quick shower and change while hobbling around on his bad foot (I hear broken toes are brilliant for half marathons), and Esther arrived at the hostel, so we went searching for a restaurant open on a Sunday. After a few fails, we eventually stumbled across a place called Afrika Bite and negotiated the 10k per person meaty Rwandan platter down to 5k each for a vegetarian version for all of us. It was so good! Garlic potatoes, peanut sauce, rice, vegetables, fried banana, salad, plus some ‘fish fingers’ ordered as an extra. Such a welcome relief to eat something local and delicious. Shout out to those who are reading this blog mainly for the food descriptions.

We went back to the hostel to play in East Africa’s 2nd bowling alley (the only other one is in Nairobi!) and Esther made sure she mentioned she had a ‘bad neck’. That would explain her unbelievably bad scoring thats for sure. Ok now to be fair, Phil the physio also advised that she use the heaviest ball available which turned out to be truly awful advise and after a stagnant run of about 2 points in 6 goes, she tried a really light ball - and actually hit some pins! Go Esther.

Can I also mention that this bowling alley had a system where a bloke hidden at the end would organise the pins and reset them for us manually using a kind of lever system. He always managed to move his hands out of the way before the ball struck the pins of course.

Esther headed back to her hotel and we ended up playing basketball on the two hoops game with Desire the manager. Our quick game of ‘How many can you score in 1 minute’ managed to take over our lives for over an hour. My record was 23, Phil’s 24 (he’s taller init) and Desire managed 33 (well, he works there so ya know). Was addictive and super fun and I got the impression Desire will spend the next year working on his pb.

[queenofthewaste]

Hi it's 3am (by the time I finished this it was in fact closer to 5am) and I'm so tired and I don't care anymore and this is literally my blog so if I can't be emo here then where? (A diary, I suppose, but shutup)

To preface this, mutuals, whatevs you've seen me go through fandom after fandom and then become a pseudo aesthetic blog so you can handle me angsting a bit. IRLs on the other hand, if you read this I would appreciate you not ever acknowledging this in anyway shape of form bc like. Emotional vulnerability bad (ง'̀-'́)ง

Up until a few months ago I was in a relationship with someone who I cared about very deeply. The relationship itself was not perfect but I was pretty happy, and best I can tell, so was she. Ultimately we broke up because of the fact that she felt she couldn't come out to her family. This wasn't fun for me or anything but its something I was aware of as a possible end so y'know. Whatever.

Unfortunately this break up wasn't even remotely clean. She continued to talk to me, not seeming to get my requests for space and eventually we went back to cuddling and other forms of emotional intimacy that are far oustide of my platonic wheelhouse. At this situation's worst she made some pretty specifically romantic moves towards me, which I would call almost actively callous. Eventually after a few months of going back and forth on whether or not we were talking we (I) actually were firm about it. This was on Halloween, and the following week or so was basically "great" insofar as I didn't have to think about her.

Unfortunately the next week it was my birthday and she turned up on my doorstep after my party upset I had invited some mutual friends, and I helped her with her emotional distress and then walked her home. Then I had no contact. For about a month.

A month later she messaged me on Twitter. Then a week later she turned up somewhere she knew I was going to be (this is somewhat debatable but ultimately I still felt stalked and in a weird way kind of betrayed).

Then nothing until Christmas day when I received an anonymous "I miss you" on this tumblr. Not provable as her like who else misses me lol? (All the creepy men who I keep rejecting but I don't they have my tumblr). Then on NYE she messaged my housemate about me. Then a few days later she does the same.

Ultimately my feeling about all of this are;

I’m sad about the circumstance of the break up. It feels like a waste of something good, but I could probably deal with it better if either of us seemed even remotely happy since it.

I think it’s fucking heartbreaking that someone I cared so deeply for would so quickly become someone I desperately wanted to avoid, the extent to which I want to avoid her is actively depressing in and of itself 

She’s clearly not been doing okay since we broke up (or for a while before we broke up but she’s been more noticeably dysfunctional since we broke up) and it’s so frustrating to watch her feel alienated from her friends (and to an extent have actually alienated her friends) and to engage in self destructive behaviours etc, and have no room, or even right to do anything. 

As an addition to the previous point, I am usually cold to a fault, so I hate how I have been unable to switch off here. I hate that I still care about her the way I do when everything she has done in the past four months has had an active detrimental affect on me.

This is probably the least “valid” feeling to have about the dissolution of the relationship, and I actively consider this to be deeply petty but here we are - I think it’s unfair that she is telling my housemate that she misses me. I think its unfair that she was the one to do romantic things during the messy period post break up. I think it’s unfair that she made a choice and now seems to want to have the sympathy of the person who was “left” or “dumped” or whatever. Fuck you that’s not fair. I haven’t made my feelings about this known. I didn’t message her fucking housemate to tell him I miss her. Of course I fucking miss her but I’m also not a fucking douchebag.

I also feel betrayed by how willing she was to hurt me and mess me around post-break up. She told her friends things she had promised she wouldn’t and generally handled things shittily. Honestly I just want to know why? I didn’t do anything fucking wrong. We didn’t break up even due to shitty behaviour what the fuck did I do to deserve all of this 

I still want to talk to her. I sort of feel like there’s nothing left to say anymore, but I do 

Running concurrently to this is the fact that last year I was voted in to be the president of the Comic Book Society (club) at my university. At the time I was pleased and looked forward to it. One of the people who would be running it with me was a guy I was good friends with. Then he (probably) sexually assaulted me, and (definitely) became super creepy about his feelings for me. I low key told him to fuck off and didn't speak to him for the summer. During which time he got therapy and seemed to improve, and because I didn't want to have to do paperwork I figured I would let him stick around. Of course then he continued to be creepy so I had to tell him to fuck off properly.

The break up I had just gone through, and the fact I had to fire 1/3 of my exec did not make running the society easy, but ultimately neither of those things were the actual problem. 

The problem instead was that my members just. Wouldn't talk. No matter what. I did everything I could. I know I'm often somewhat intimidating but I also know I'm reasonably funny and decent at conversation in general. But over three months these people remained mute and it was infuriating. They wanted a weekly lecture about comics and I'm just not doing that. So I've allowed the society to fold.

Ultimately about this I guess I feel

Sort of betrayed by the guy who was into me, obviously I suppose I shouldn’t have forgiven him after the (possible) sexual abuse, but I was tired and thought maybe it would be fine. But ultimately he was a guy who claimed to care about me/ know me well, and everything he did belied the opposite which is such a fundamental kind of gross that it’s sort of upsetting.

About my society failing? I take on the responsibility personally, even though every piece of evidence suggests there wasn’t much I could really have done to increase turnout, bar become more general interest (Like talk about the movies more) which ultimately defeats the point of the fucking society so. No. Basically, lol, I feel like a total failure for failing to run a society that was clearly doomed to failure from the beginning

ALSO I’m twenty one. Due to issues with my mental and physical health during my A levels I had to spend an additional year in college. I then failed to get the grades I wanted to go the uni I really wanted to go to. As a result of this I came to uni and was a bit “behind” where I wanted to be in life. Then, naturally, of course, I managed to fail a module of my course, meaning I had to resit the whole year. Making me a Twenty One year old First Year. I haven’t told any of my friends about this, meaning I’m consistently lying a bit about what I’m doing. (I did tell my now ex, and am sort of paranoid she may have told someone but whatever) Oh also one of my housemates is resitting his first year, which arguably makes my extended deception worse, because it’s not helped with his self perception. Oh also multiples of my friends are getting engaged now 

I guess the way I feel about this mess of shit is 

Failurex1000

I feel extremely “behind” some idea of where I feel I should be in my life, which is ridiculous because I’ve never had a clear picture of where I want to be and when, so there’s no plan to be behind on 

Failure Failure Failure

I feel somewhat guilty about not informing said housemate bc he’s insecure about resitting, and also insecure about me being arbitrarily “better” than him, but also I have a crippling fear of being seen as weak or stupid and he’s not my fucking responsibility.

Again, the friends all getting engaged thing makes me feel weirdly lagging so. yay

ALSO I live with three boys currently. I say “boys” because despite their status as legal adults, the juvenile term is really more appropriate. One of whom has had a crush on me for a relatively extended period of time now. He claims to be over me, but his behaviours consistently belie that he is not. Another is just generally a bit immature, and screeches down his headset playing shit video games in the middle of the night (this is in fact why I am currently up and writing this) The third is technically fine but he contributes to the general mess and skid marks on the toilet with the seat always fucking up and the hair all over the fucking bathroom dear fucking god 

Summing up this one too;

I have already decided to live alone next year, and have made the arrangements to do so, Though this means I will basically be broke re: disposable money

If I ever see another fucking toilet seat up I’m going to scream

I nearly stabbed my housemate today for waking me up. And now five hours later nearly I have been unable to get any sleep. 

Alot of my complaints about my housemates highlight two specific things for me 

My upbringing required me to be more independent from a younger age. I’m grateful for the relative competence this has provided me earlier on, but also I think I’m becoming resentful, or jealous, of these people who got to be children until even now? I cannot imagine being 19 and behaving the way these boys do (or twenty one and behaving the way my ex does) and I can’t help but wonder about the kind of coddling they must have had relative to my life.

I need my own space. I have had little control of my life and living arrangements for quite some time now (even having spent three months or so technically homeless last summer) and this is potentially my only opportunity to get that so

Finally, Alot of how I’ve reacted to stuff the past few months has made me feel concerned about my mental health? Several years ago I went to a psychologist for an extended period of time (I was forced to lol) and toward the end of the time I was seeing her she mentioned cluster B personality disorders to me. Obviously being a sixteen year old who thought she was fine this made me balk, I started lying to seem neurotypical or whatever the word is now, and then eventually managed to get out of having to go, but now I think there was probably some stock in what she was talking about and am now going to try and pursue this, so I get to dally with the NHS’ adult mental health services.

Summing up

I don’t actually want a diagnosis and on some level think I’m fine but also line up with the DSM of two of the cluster B’s relatively well and am clearly not doing well so my belief that I’m fine is unhelpful

In the end, it is clearly my pride that’s gong to lead to my death. 

Thanks for reading, anonymous internet person or person I know irl stalking my blog/ignoring my request for this to be ignored if you know me irl :I

[chicagofoodaffair]

Tokyo, Japan

I am not sure why, but I had always been drawn to Japan. I originally went on a group tour around part of the country. Initially, I had the philosophy of only going somewhere once, unless I had already finished seeing all that I needed from the world. So far, this is the only place that I made that exception.

My first tour here ended in Tokyo, but I had only spent half a day here and had to leave first thing in the morning back home. Our hotel (Prince Park Tower Hotel or Tokyo Prince Hotel…I couldn’t remember the exact name) was near Tokyo Tower. We were not able to see as much as we wanted in that short period of time.

We booked this trip for a few reasons: It was my husband’s and my fifth anniversary together, and it was a collective birthday present for us (as we both have birthdays in April). Plus, my brother had always wanted to go during cherry blossom season.

Saturday, April 7, 2018 – Arrival

We arrived at Narita Airport on a VERY windy day (as in “first-time-getting-motion-sick-on-a-plane-type-of-windy.”) Clearing immigration and getting our bags didn’t take a lot of time. However, we were planning to get our Tokyo Rail passes at the visitors’ center, and by the time we finished with customs, the desk was closed (missed by 5 minutes, at 8:50pm). It was evening, we were tired, and I didn’t feel like figuring out the rail ticket machine. Besides, the last time I was here, the ride from the hotel to Narita wasn’t that much.

Boy was I wrong!

The charge for the taxi ride from Narita to Ginza, Tokyo, was upwards of $250!!!

Later, I was reminded that we had a shuttle from the hotel that we were at to Narita (oops).

Moral of the story here: Learn from my mistakes and do your research on transportation options before arrival.

Now that we have taken care of our PSA moment, on to the rest of the story!

We arrive at our hotel, Mitsui Garden Hotel Shiodome Italia-gai (2-14-24, Higashi-shimbashi, Minato-ku, Tokyo, 105-0021). It is minutes away from Ginza, Tokyo Tower, Zojo-ji Shrine and the Imperial Gardens. They also provided a free loaner smartphone that guests could use to make and receive calls, as well as for email, GPS and social media services. I mostly used it for GPS to navigate through the city.

We were also next door to a Lawson Station, one of the popular convenience stores – along with 7-Eleven – in the country. What was different about these convenience stores is that they carried more variety of foods, including hot food. It has been the locals’ favorite for fresh, convenient food. They are open 24 hours a day, which helps if a worker has an early 4am start or if they are just getting off of work at 10pm. Also, just like back here, there is one Lawsons’ or 7-Eleven on every other block (at least in Tokyo).

7-Eleven has their own set of ATMs, which I found to be the only ATM that worked for my Chase Card. The only downside is that the minimum amount available for withdrawal is 10,000 JPY (about 100 USD). This is important because not every place accepts credit cards. There are a good number of stores and restaurants that take cash only. This leads to PRO-tip #2: Bring cash.

Sunday, April 8, 2018: Tokyo Station, Sensoji Temple, Akihabara

So, our first stop was to acquire our rail passes (for clarity, the passes for me and my husband – my brother arrived earlier and received his already). Plus, it gave me an opportunity to test run the loaner phone from the hotel.

One of the Stores in Tokyo Station (Looks Familiar, Can’t Put My Finger on It…)

Once we had reached Tokyo Station, we were able to get our Rail Passes (yay!) The station has a number of restaurants in the lower level. Ramen Street is a stretch of restaurants in the basement level. Some will be traditional restaurants where they seat you and serve you. Others had a vending machine where you would put in the money, make a selection of what you want to eat and then it would print out the receipt for you to give your server or the cook. One such place was Rokurinsha on Ramen Street.

Dipping Ramen (with Tonkotsu)

Once we were fed, we continued on our trek. We started at Sensoji Temple (2 Chome-3-1 Asakusa, Taitō, Tokyo 111-0032, Japan). It was pretty crowded for a Sunday. It was a beautiful day though.

The Meiji Temple

The Main Gate

Nearby Street Market

We then hopped on the rail to Ueno and onto Ueno Onshi Park. We were on a mission to find cherry blossoms. I had heard that they had already bloomed, but there were some late bloomers around still. We were lucky to find some there!

Having a Picnic Under the Sakura Trees

We also wanted to look for a cat café. According to the GPS, there was one nearby: Neko Maru Café Ueno (7 Chome Ueno, Taitō, Tokyo 110-0005, Japan). There was a fee schedule, but the one we chose was 30 minutes for $6 USD. They had coffee and tea, as well as some snacks. They also had a few bookcases so you could sit and read while surrounded by the cats. If you want, they also had kitty toys to engage with the cats/kittens in house.

Welcome to the Kitty Cafe!

Cafe Menu and Helper

There are Enough Boxes for Every Kitty!

Shh! Do Not Disturb!

This is Part of their Elevated Cat Walk

Pretty Fur-Baby!

Beautiful Bengal

Next stop: Akihabara to check out the electronics district.

Inside the Sega Building – they have these types of games on the first 3 floors

These Remind me of the Slime blog-things in Dragon Quest

The streets were closed for the shoppers.

Proof of Life!

Interesting KitKat Variety

We noticed that some electronics were more expensive there than online. Only exception seemed to be those from Japan, and the prices seemed more fair.

After some shopping, we started back towards home for dinner and to sleep off some of the jetlag.

Salmon with Rice, Miso Soup, Pickles, Salt Cod Roe, and Egg

Monday, April 8, 2018: Mt Fuji

We went on a day tour through JAPANiCAN. Our first stop was the Mt Fuji 5th Station.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have as clear a view as we had hoped. It was also 1 degree below Centigrade when we were there, so just a little cold!

Mt. Fuji is Behind those Clouds Somewhere!

Next stop was at Oshino Hakkai. The snowmelt from Mt. Fuji formed several fresh water springs in the area. It’s also a cute little village where we were able to get another view of Mt. Fuji. The sun had come out and some of the clouds were starting to clear.

Mt. Fuji is starting to Peek Out thru the Cloud Cover!

There were some shops along the street – some selling food, others selling souvenirs.

These were very yummy BBQ Beef Skewers

Our next stop was Shiraito Falls. The falls are fed by the snowmelt from Mt. Fuji also. There were also a number of shops in the area, including soft serve ice cream.

Green Tea/Vanilla Mixed

Main Waterfall

Fujisan Hongu Sengen Taisha Shrine. The head shrine for Sengen and Asama shrines throughout Japan.

Shrine Entrance

The White Ties and Wooden Tags are All Wishes

Shrine’s Lagoon

A Much Clearer View!

Happy With the Sight!

On our way back, our tour guide informed us that Mt. Fuji can be clearly seen 60 to 65 days out of the year (so we were lucky!)

For dinner, we stopped by one of the restaurants nearby our hotel – Akami Yakiniku Horumondokoro Nikuman. (1-23-6 Hamamatsucho, Minato 105-0013, Tokyo Prefecture).

We were seated at the bar. Each table/seat had a mini grill and a vent right above it. We decided to share the Tonya place.

Since the meat is thinly sliced, it was cooked quickly.

With full stomachs after a full day, sleep came easy.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018: Tsukiji Fish Market, Namiyoke Inari Shrine, Hachiko Memorial Statue, Shibuya Crossing, Meiji Shrine, Ginza

Tsukiji Fish Market is a famous market located in Central Tokyo. It is the largest wholesale fish and seafood market in the world. As part of development for the upcoming Olympics in Tokyo 2020, the fish market is slated to be moved Toyosu, Kotu in the Fall of 2018. If you can get there anywhere from 3am to 5am, you can observe the tuna auction (we opted not to do that). If you do decide to go, it is highly recommended to wear rubber boots.

There is two parts of the market – the Inner Market, where wholesale vendors are located, and the Outer Market where people like us can purchase items in more manageable numbers.

Tea Vendor

We wanted to find one, if not two places to eat. So our first place was here (apologies, I’m not sure what it translates in English).

I felt like we were lucky because it wasn’t so crowded here, nor was there a line for us to wait in. As far as the food goes, I had once heard that “Fish should taste like the sea, and if it doesn’t, then it is no longer good.” The fish that we had here tasted exactly like the sea and I was extremely happy.

Traditionally Wasabi is In Between the Fish and the Rice (and they used FRESH Wasabi!)

After our sushi brunch, we continued walking through the market. Where a variety of items were up for sale as you can see here:

We came across another set of restaurants with long lines.

Apparently people lined up since opening to eat at these places.

After a few hours of walking and shopping, we decided to try another sushi place. This was located just outside the market, called Iwasa Sushi (6 Chome-27-3 Tsukiji, Chūō, Tokyo 104-0045, Japan). Incidentally it was highly rated on tripadvisor.com, so we wanted to see if it lived up to the hype. They have a set menu, and you basically choose between three or four different sets of sushi combinations. They only have seats at the sushi bar and they only accept cash.

Our Sushi Chefs

When we were done, I made a quick stop at Namiyoke Inari Shrine. Its name literally means “protection from waves.”

After that, we dropped off our purchases at the hotel and headed towards Shibuya.

Our first stop outside the Shibuya Station was the Hachiko Memorial. Hachiko was an Akita dog that was owned by Professor Ueno Hidesaburo from Tokyo Imperial University. Hachiko would meet Professor Ueno at Shibuya Station at the end of the day, and it became their routine. One day, Professor Ueno had a cerebral hemorrhage at the University, and never came home. However, Hachiko would go to the station every day for almost ten years. This statue is a symbol of the loyalty and love that Hachiko had for Ueno. Fun fact: Hachiko was present when the statue was unveiled.

There was a LONG line for taking pictures with the statue, so I improvised. The important thing was that I was there.

Now, there is a famous intersection near this statue that maybe the busiest intersection in the world: Shibuya Crossing. The lights turn red/green at the same time to control the pedestrian traffic. Even though there are crosswalks, when the light turns green, the intersection gets swarmed by people.

We crossed and survived (phew!)

We were walking through Shibuya in order to get to Meiji Shrine. In our walk, we encountered these:

For Those Who are Familiar with Sutadonya at Mitsuwa in Arlington Hts…

Stan Lee would Approve!

Meiji Shrine is a Shinto Shrine that is surrounded by a forest, and was built to honor Emperor Meiji and Empress Shoken.

Camphor Tree

After that, we went back to our hotel to freshen up a bit before dinner: Itamae Sushi, Ginza Corridor (J Bld.1F, 8-2-13, Ginza, Chuo, Tokyo, 104-0061, Japan).

The City Never Sleeps!

Our Sushi Chefs at Ita Mae Sushi

  Fresh Seafood Salad

Sushi!

Menu Said “Live Squid” but I think they meant “Raw Squid” with Wasabi vinagrette (it was still good!)

So far, the only critique that I had was that they used powdered wasabi (what can I say, I was spoiled from the fresh wasabi from earlier today). However, the taste made up for it. I would have to say that the first place we ate at today and Itamae Sushi were the better of the three places we ate today. Wednesday, April 11, 2018: Zojo-ji Shrine, Tokyo Tower, Departure

We had a half day left here in Tokyo. I decided to do a quick stop at Zojo-ji Shrine and Tokyo Tower before we left.  There is also a mausoleum where the most loyal samurai are buried as well.

If Zojo-ji Shrine looks familiar, its because it was in the movie “Wolverine” (2013)

And Here I Have Come Full Circle!

In case you were wondering what I was doing at all those shrines, it was because of this: my notebook filled with Goshuin, which are unique stamps/seals and calligraphy from the temples that I had visited. I had been introduced to this during my first visit here and acquired quite a collection!

Alas, our trip had come to an end, but our hearts are full with the memories that we had made. Thank you for reading, and I hope that this inspired you for your next adventure!

–Maeven

Resources:

Mitsui Garden Hotel Shiodome Italia-gai. 2-14-24, Higashi-shimbashi, Minato-ku, Tokyo, 105-0021 https://www.gardenhotels.co.jp/shiodome-italiagai/eng/

Lawson Station (various locations). http://lawson.jp/en/

7-Eleven (various locations). http://www.sej.co.jp/in/en.html

Tokyo Station http://www.tokyoinfo.com/en/

Rokurinsha. https://www.yelp.com/biz/YD4NquiK0mPR_WMse5KPOA?utm_campaign=www_business_share_popup&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=(direct) http://www.rokurinsha.com/ (Japanese)

Neko Maru Café Ueno. http://www.nekomarucafe.com/index.html

1-Day World Heritage Mt. Fuji Tour. https://www.japanican.com/en/tour/detail/BUS1J00711MKS/?typecd=TOU&destcd=V21&kw=golden&sbit=4&typegrpcd=TPA

Akami Yakiniku Horumondokoro Nikuman. 1-23-6 Hamamatsucho, Minato 105-0013, Tokyo Prefecture. https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g1066451-d6047847-Reviews-Akami_Yakiniku_Horumondokoro_Nikuman-Minato_Tokyo_Tokyo_Prefecture_Kanto.html

The Tsukiji Fish Market. 5 Chome-2-1 Tsukiji, Chūō, Tokyo 104-0045, Japan. http://www.tsukiji-market.or.jp/tukiji_e.htm

Hachiko Memorial Statue. 1 Chome-2 Dogenzaka, Shibuya, Tokyo 150-0043, Japan.

Hachiko. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hachik%C5%8D

Meiji Shrine. 1-1 Yoyogikamizonocho, Shibuya, Tokyo 151-8557, Japan. http://www.meijijingu.or.jp/english/your/1.html

Itamae Sushi. J Bld.1F, 8-2-13, Ginza, Chuo, Tokyo, 104-0061, Japan. http://itamae.co.jp/english/

Zojo-ji. ４丁目-7-35 Shibakoen, Minato, Tokyo 105-0011, Japan. https://www.zojoji.or.jp/en/

Tokyo Tower. 4 Chome-2-8 Shibakoen, Minato, Tokyo 105-0011, Japan. https://www.tokyotower.co.jp/en.html

Wanderlust Wednesday: Trip to the Land of the Rising Sun Tokyo, Japan I am not sure why, but I had always been drawn to Japan. I originally went on a group tour around part of the country.