#which i find extremely anxiety inducing in general

[trans-cuchulainn]

had a headache and used this as an excuse to escape to a dark room before family even arrived today. immediately had an anxiety attack and now i do not wish to leave this room ever again but it's dinner in half an hour and there are seven other people in this house 🙃

[unboundprompts]

Hello!!! I hope you don't mind doing this one,

Can you help me write a traumatized person who's having trouble talking because of past trauma? (They can still interact with people, but only with signs and movements, not voice) and also a little anxious

Tell me if you need more details =)

How to Write a Mute / Non-Speaking Character

-> healthline.com

-> verywellhealth.com

-> descriptionary.wordpress.com

Types of Mutism:

selective mutism: having the ability to speak but feeling unable to.

organic mutism: mutism caused by brain injury, such as with drug use or after a stroke.

cerebellar mutism: mutism caused by the removal of a brain tumor from a part of the skull surrounding the cerebellum, which controls coordination and balance.

aphasia: when people find it difficult to speak because of stroke, brain tumor, or head injury.

What Causes Selective Mutism in Adults?

having another anxiety condition, like separation anxiety or social anxiety

experiencing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse

having a family history of selective mutism or social anxiety

having fewer opportunities for social contact

having an extremely shy personality

having a speech or language disorder, learning disability, or sensory processing disorder

parent-child enmeshment, or lack of clear boundaries in the relationship

traumatic experiences

Traumatic Mutism vs Trauma-Induced Selective Mutism

if you have traumatic mutism, you may be unable to talk in all situations following a trauma.

with trauma-induced selective mutism, you may find it impossible to talk only in certain situations-- for example, in front of the person who hurt you or in a setting that resembles the circumstances of your trauma.

Different Ways Individuals with Mutism May Choose to Communicate:

Nonverbal Communication: they may rely on facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, and body language to convey their thoughts, emotions, and intentions.

Writing or Typing: they may use a pen and paper, digital devices, or communication apps to write messages, notes, or responses.

Sign Language: they can convey meaning, emotions, and engage in complex conversations through hand signs, facial expressions, and body movements.

Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC) Devices: these devices provide individuals with a range of tools and technologies to support their communication needs. They can include speech-generating devices, picture boards, apps, or software that allows users to select words, phrases, or symbols to generate spoken or written output.

Communication Boards and Visual Aids: Communication boards or charts with pictures, symbols, or words can assist individuals in conveying their messages.

Assistive Technology: various assistive technologies, such as speech-to-text apps, text-to-speech programs, or eye-tracking devices that aid individuals with communication.

Tips on Writing a Mute / Non-Speaking Character:

Explore the vast array of nonverbal cues such as facial expressions, body language, gestures, and eye contact. Use descriptions to convey their intentions and reactions.

Utilize internal dialogue. Offer readers a window into their internal thought process, and turn their internal dialogue into a narrative that reveals their inner struggles, triumphs, and complexities so that reader can connect with the character.

Establish a communication system that is unique to your character (Sign language, written notes, telepathy in a fantasy setting, etc.). Having a communication system allows your character to interact with other characters and contribute to the narrative.

Surround them with Understanding Characters that can aid in communcation and fostering meaningful relationships.

Establish the Barriers/Conflicts They'll Experience. Don't forget to be realistic.

Your character is not defined by their inability to speak. Make sure you do not write stereotypes and cliches. Being mute is only one aspect of their identity rather than their defining trait.

Do your research! Seek out firsthand accounts, experiences, and perspectives. Check out online forums and resources to gain insights into their unique challenges, adaptations, and strengths.

If you like what I do and want to support me, please consider buying me a coffee! I also offer editing services and other writing advice on my Ko-fi! Become a member to receive exclusive content, early access, and prioritized writing prompt requests.

[birdofmay]

Severe autism and severe or profound ID

In that vein:

Severe autism as a toddler, child, and teenager means that the world is confusing and doesn't make sense (sometimes it's better as an older teen and adult).

You struggle to perceive your surroundings, you struggle to shift your focus, you struggle to process or even perceive spoken language (and sometimes written language, if you can read). You struggle to understand the concept of you and others, your family, relationships. None of that is real to you until you hit a certain milestone. You're not a person surrounded by your family, you're consciousness that perceives change, but you're not aware that people make these changes. None of my toddler memories include people, only objects moving. People simply didn't exist to me.

Everything is chaotic because you're extremely focused on details and can't see "the greater picture". Yes, autistics that aren't "severe" still struggle with that to a degree, but in severe autism, at least in my case, it's as if your world is made of millions of puzzle pieces and you have to quickly find the fitting ones to make sense of what you see and feel and the situation you're in. That's extremely stressful, which is why absolutely everything can trigger a meltdown or panic attack, depending on what you're more prone to.

Luckily, I learned to handle "the world" better as I got older, but most of my past was simply confusing.

Now, severe or profound ID is very similar. But in that case it's because you generally struggle to make sense of things, not because you're focused on details. This, too, can make you very anxious.

Imagine what happens if you combine these things. Severe or profound ID plus severe autism.

THAT is anxiety inducing and extremely frustrating, at least from what I was told and from what I can imagine. Every symptom is even more pronounced due to this combination.

Someone with severe autism learns to track an object with their eyes in school? Someone with severe or profound ID learns to lead a spoon to their mouth? Combine these diagnoses and you will forget that you're tracking something with your eyes mid-way and you will have to sift through millions of timeframe puzzle pieces while you move your hand to your mouth and accidentally hit your eye with your closed hand because direction doesn't make sense to you.

Just so you get an understanding of why most people with moderate, severe, or profound ID and/or severe autism aren't on social media.

(Severe doesn't mean Level 3 in this post, we don't have the level system in my country, we use the ICD-10/11)

[woodlaflababab]

Aang, Psychology, and the Concept of “Running Away” (A Breakdown Of Aang's Trauma Responses)

So, one thing that always kind of threw me off about atla was Aang's ignoration and dismissiveness of the things that have happened to him and continue to happen to him. He never seemed to have any kind of trauma response (besides nightmares).

Recently I've realized that the ignoration is Aang's trauma response, and it runs pretty fucking deep. Aang shows a lot of trauma responses but they are not as noticeable because Aang is also ridiculously good at emotional regulation, to a toxic point imo, and probably due to his upbringing by monks.

Aang, as is pretty well covered by the show, has a problem with trying to 'run away’ from his problems. This steadily stops happening as much throughout Book 2 (though he is learning in Book 1), but what's interesting is, while his tendency to physically run away from problems ends, his tendency to emotionally run away increases.

We go from Book 1 in which Aang confides in Katara about the separation from the monks, to Book 2 in which Aang literally actively rejects attempts at comfort in favor of an emotional shut down, to Book 3 where, after the failed invasion, Aang immediately tries just about anything he can to avoid talking about it.

He's not necessarily 'running away’. He still owns up to his duty and is right on the ball when Zuko shows up to teach firebending. It is not the work he shies from, it is specifically talking about the failure. This is Aang's main trauma response. Before I delve deeper into that though, I want to talk about Aang's other trauma responses that get bypassed thanks to his ability to ignore them.

Quoting ‘What is Child Traumatic Stress’, “Traumatic reactions can include a variety of responses, including intense and ongoing emotional upset, depressive symptoms, anxiety, behavioral changes, difficulties with attention, academic difficulties, nightmares, physical symptoms such as difficulty sleeping and eating, and aches and pains, among others.”

Aang shows almost all of these at one point or another, and typically they show themselves when he finds himself incapable of mentally 'running away.’

Intense and Ongoing Emotional Upset: 

I'm mostly eyeing the avatar state episodes. His immediate reaction to traumatic events he is helpless to is explosive anger, but it fails to be ongoing because it is immediately followed by a shut down. 

- Aang on Zuko's boat. In this episode, while fighting with Zuko, Aang shows some pretty intense fear and his first (technically second) experience with the Avatar state is for survival and driven by fear (also, notably, a repeat experience of the same thing that caused the actual first experience). Yet, as soon as Aang is off of Zuko's boat, he's melancholy for a hot second and then turns on a dime and starts talking about the adventures they can go on. Avatar State -> Shut Down/dismissing or ignoring the problem.

- Aang at the Southern Air Temple. He starts off in deep obvious denial, like this kid is so obviously blocking. Then he sees Gyatso's body, goes into a rage and grief induced Avatar state, gets pulled out, can no longer use denial as his mental defense, and so once again turns to shut down. He's expressionless as he comes down, and when he's fully out he's just kind of tired and speaks with a soft almost toneless quality. He's admitting to the trauma and yet there's a numb resignation to it. He's not emotionally connecting with it. We see him after with Momo and Appa smiling and just being like “we gotta stick together :)”. That's not the appropriate response to admitting there's only three survivors of your home. Avatar State -> Shut down/dismissal

- Aang and General Fong. Aang experiences an extremely distressing and helpless situation while he watches Katara, one of two whole people in his life, be buried. He goes into a rage induced Avatar state, again, and then literally 'nope's out of the situation with help from Roku. And when he comes back, he shuts down. He doesn't react emotionally, he once again speaks in that soft, even, almost dead tone, apologizes, and dismisses the event. I mean, the way he addresses General Fong, the person who just caused this whole thing, is extremely chill, almost uncharacteristic. Just a simple, “you're out of your mind” with a tone that could make you think he was having a casual conversation with someone who just suggested eating cereal out of a cup. And then he's good! Momo comes back and he smiles and everything is all good again. Avatar State -> Shut down/dismissal.

- Then we have the desert, one of the few times Aang does not shut down immediately, but then it culminates in the Avatar State and he stays like that for a bit but once he comes down, his faces changes again, to what is almost resignation, like he's given up on being mad, which really, he has as we see later. And then the next episode and he's playing in some water, but as soon as Sokka brings up Appa, we see the face and tone that's now kind of familiar: soft, dead, dismissive. He's once again refusing to emotionally connect and is downplaying it. Avatar State -> shut down/dismissal.

Depressive Symptoms/Anxiety:

He shows fits of both, though these aren't as evident because, again, most of the time he's in an emotional block and ignoring the problems. But when he cannot ignore the absence of his lifelong companion, he has a long period of anger followed by a numb depressive state, he literally talks about giving up hope. He is entirely hopeless at this point.

And then when he cannot ignore the Day of Black Sun coming in a few days, his anxiety goes through the fucking roof. 

However, these don't last long and that'll connect to me talking about emotional regulation later.

Behavioral Changes:

Aang changes A Lot over the course of the series. Book 1 Aang is very distinct from Book 3 Aang (though we still see the core traits of him throughout). He becomes more hyper focused on doing his duty, tends to fall to the background when he can, generally takes on a much more somber demeanor.

Difficulties With Attention:

This one's not really huge. He has about the same amount of attention focus in Book 3 as he does Book 1, if not improvement.

Nightmares:

I don't think I have to explain this. Aang goes through multiple fits of nightmares.

Difficulties Sleeping or Eating:

Once again, I look to Nightmares and Daydreams, one of the few times Aang is unable to shut down or block. He cannot sleep for the life of him. I have plans to go back and pay attention to eating habits in Book 3 in order to potentially add onto this joke meta, but I would not be surprised if there were signs of a lowered appetite, even if the writers did not intend it.

Aches and Pains:

He doesn't ever complain about this but also like, would he? Even if he was experiencing them? Kid tried to fight people and fly through a storm while newly recovering from a lightning injury. Aang gives no shits.

Then the article also covers childhood PTSD diagnoses which I'd also like to go over real quick. “the child continues to re-experience the event through nightmares, flashbacks, or other symptoms for more than a month after the original experience; the child has what we call avoidance or numbing symptoms—he or she won’t think about the event, has memory lapses, or maybe feels numb in connection with the events—and the child has feelings of arousal, such as increased irritability, difficulty sleeping, or others.”

Most of these I just covered, but I think it's notable that numbness is also mentioned here, the exact symptoms I've been talking about. Avoidant, won't think about it, numb in connection.

And just to be sure that everyone is on board let me go through some other examples of Aang shutting down:

Katara brings up the 100 years and Aang immediately blocks that shit. It's literally too big for him to conceptualize, so he dismisses it as okay because he has a new friend now and moves on and doesn't think about it.

The Northern Air Temple. I think most people agree that the lesson in that episode was wrong. Aang had every right to be angry. There's nothing okay about taking over and destroying 100 year old artifacts of a nearly extinct culture. We see Aang react to this with a numbness. There's even a moment where he's just frozen and uncomprehending. “This place is unbelievable.” “Yeah. It's great isn't it?” “No, just unbelievable.” He reacts with anger later (notably when he feels like he can do something instead of being helpless), and then when he can no longer do anything, he once again just rejects any negative emotional turmoil in favor of that “it's fine” attitude and accepts what the people have done.

Then the desert, one of the few places we don't see him shut down immediately. Except, literally the next episode is all about Aang's hardest shut down yet.

There are other examples but I think you get the point. He does this A Lot.

Okay cool, so we've covered the denial and trauma responses part, but how does emotional regulation play into this?

I'm glad you asked.

So, when I was first considering Aang and this whole thing, I thought Aang exhibited emotional dysregulation, especially in regards to the Avatar State, but then I actually did some learning on emotional dysregulation and realized, actually, no, he doesn't. Emotional dysregulation is mostly characterized by emotional responses being out of proportion with the event, but I think we can all agree, pm every time he goes into the Avatar State, that emotional response is uh, rather warranted. Now, Aang does, in these moments, show the lack of control that can come with emotional dysregulation, but also like, who wouldn't.

Considering Aang's behavior outside of the Avatar State Outbursts, he's actually very good at emotional regulation. Scary good, in fact. Number One in the reasons I say this is everything I said above. The ability to shut down is often an active choice. Aang does not like who he is when he is upset and, outside the initial outburst, has a pretty firm grip on his emotions. He shows anger at times, but they are in appropriate places with more or less appropriate responses. 

The Desert stands out so much because Aang loses the control he normally has. This is where we see him lose his grip on himself and he spirals.

He rarely shows grief. During his lessons with the Guru he passes all the chakras with amazing ease because he legitimately is that good at controlling and managing emotions which, like I said at the very beginning, I attribute a lot of that to him being raised by monks. I mean, he's a 12 yr old who is skilled in meditation. I don't think it's a stretch to think the monks taught him other such things.

He doesn't react to small things that would normally piss people off. Examples include The Headband when he gives absolutely zero shits about the bully, and The Southern Raiders where he accepts Katara trying to steal Appa and doesn't react to Zuko mocking him and his culture. 

Aang also, paradoxically, can be pretty good at expressing emotions when he needs to. He's typically very emotionally intelligent, with the exception being pretty much any trauma. He will react to basic things in the moment and is unafraid to show frustration or anger or uncertainty, as long as it's Not connected to a thing he is distinctly Not thinking about.

And one of the most damning examples of his emotional regulation skill, that is actually the scene that started me thinking about all of this, is the scene with Koh the Face Stealer. 

That scene threw me off so much because I felt like it was incredibly out of character for Aang, this incredibly expressive kid, to be able to show no emotional reaction. It didn't make sense and for a long time I dismissed it as just, the writers thought it'd be cool so he did it. But of course, I can't let things lay, so I never really stopped thinking about it until I realized, in context of everything I've talked about before, it actually makes perfect sense.

Aang is emotionally expressive by choice. He has the ability to control his emotions and responses to a ridiculous degree. He knows how to be emotionally intelligent with basic things, where to express emotion and how to do it. 

(Of course, he's not perfect. There are plenty of times he acts out, the Bato episode being the first thing to come to mind, but even there, after just a few hours, he has wrestled with his jealousy and responds appropriately to guilt, he owns up to it. He does try to explain himself but when Sokka makes it clear he's not going to listen, Aang does not continue to press the point. He accepts Sokka's decision, does not lash out, and for once doesn't shut down or exhibit happiness soon after. He is sad and expresses it without shoving his emotions onto others. For a 12 yr old, this is fucking impressive.)

Aang was taught well by the monks, but the one thing they couldn't teach him was response to trauma, and that's where he falters, but that emotional regulation means he's not going to respond in a typical way. Instead, he turns to denial as his coping mechanism of choice and uses those skills he learned to achieve a workable state of being but through unhealthy use.

Where am I going with this? Idk. Nowhere really, I just wanted to talk about Aang and psychology tbqh.

Anyway, I will finish this up by a fun delve into Things He's Probably Going To End Up Suffering From:

Denial can lead to memory blocking, where it's more than just not thinking about it, the brain actively suppresses and alters memory to cope. Adult Aang's recollection of the Ozai year is probably not going to be super accurate. Would not be surprised if someone was like “hey remember that time you were almost executed by a town for your past live’s mistakes?” and Aang just went “No???” and legit has no recollection of any such thing.

Selective numbing will eventually turn into collective numbing. You can selectively numb for a temporary period of time (which is how people fall into the trap) but eventually your brain will start to numb everything, not just the bad things. At the very least teenage Aang absolutely goes through a period of dissociative complete numbness.

Speaking of dissociation, if you're not going to react to trauma the normal way, dissociation happens. It starts as a coping mechanism but like with numbing, it cannot remain controlled and will develop into something. Aang will have a dissociative disorder, I'm telling you. Which one? Idk, but I assure you, it'll be there. I'm leaning toward some basic depersonalization/derealization and/or OSDD type four where trauma and meditation accidentally mix for the worse.

So yeah, there you go, a breakdown of Aang, his trauma responses, his emotional intelligence, and the consequences of those two things put together.

I'm gonna be a nerd here and add shitty citations but this is mostly in case you're also a psych geek and want to read things.

“What Are the Dissociative Disorders”. International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation.

“Developmental trauma: Conceptual framework, associated risks and comorbidities, and evaluation and treatment”. National Library of Medicine.

“What is Child Traumatic Stress”. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

[avpdvoidspace]

Since you've mentioned a couple of times having comorbid OCPD, would you mind explaining more about the effect that disorder has on you? Out of every PD, it's the one I never find people talking about. Due to that, and the diagnostic criteria itself being (as ever) exasperatingly superficial and vague, It's hard to know where to even look for information about it..!

Sure. I agree that it's very difficult to find information about ocpd online. I guess I could categorize my experience with ocpd into three categories: things that are absolutely recognized symptoms of ocpd, things that overlap with other obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders (like things more traditionally thought of as OCD symptoms), and things that I have to assume come from ocpd because they seem to but I don't know if they're universal because I don't see other people talking about having ocpd. So in terms of things that are definitely ocpd experiences: I really don't feel safe or comfortable in situations I don't have at least some control over. I need to control my space, my food, who is around me, etc to feel safe. This also applies to my time and schedule. I get very agitated when it's interrupted, even if I don't show it. I tend to plan my day's activities pretty rigidly and it stresses me out when I'm not able to follow through. I also have very rigid ways I like to do things, and it stresses me out if I have to do something with someone else's method or if someone in my apartment does something differently to how I would do it, especially things like eating without washing hands first, not taking shoes off before coming in, etc. I try to keep this kind of thing in check because I don't want to be controlling or obnoxious, but it causes me a lot of stress internally. This has been very difficult when I've had a job and I'm being told to do things a particular way but it's not MY way. It's also difficult when I'm intentionally trying to push myself to try a different method for, say, drawing something. Even though I'm making the choice, I'm breaking my method and it feels extremely Wrong. The next category is overlap with other obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders. I definitely get intrusive thoughts and the anxiety inducing spiral of 'something bad will happen if I don't have the tv volume set to an odd number' and 'I feel compelled to make sure my foot touches to the floor in a very certain way right now for Reasons'. I also have health anxiety that gets worse if I try to engage in reassurance seeking behavior (but this only started after I got diagnosed with a chronic illness, so it could be a combination of ocpd and trauma). But you can apply the mechanics of health anxiety to other things that pop into my head to frighten me with no basis in reality that start the reassurance seeking/me becoming more convinced the terrible thing is true cycle. Then the third category, which is random things I think are ocpd but who knows because there aren't a lot of other people out there talking about their personal experiences with it: I like recording things. Every day, I write the weather conditions down in a notebook. I also have very rigid records of my drawing time and draw with a stopwatch going to make sure I'm keeping track and write everything in a notepad++ file like so

I get extremely stressed out if anything gets in the way of this process! You could say my life kind of revolves around this actually. I've actually drawn at least an hour a day for about a decade (knock on wood...), and I track it every day. In general, I have a lot of fun creating methods and systems to follow rigidly. It's like a game even. Maybe why I like playing games with a lot of organization/time management... Love giving myself a list of tasks and completing them. Speaking of games, I love Pokemon Legends Arceus because it is essentially a checklist simulator. Also, I experience something similar to special interests but maybe not exactly the same. I wouldn't say hyperfixations either because they're not fleeting. They're very enduring. I wish I could explain more about how they're unique from either special interests (in the autistic meaning of the phrase) and hyperfixations (like with ADHD), but it's kind of hard to explain without feeling like I'm explaining it poorly. And last, something that could go in either this category or the second because it's something I've heard people diagnosed with OCD talk about experiencing is I have a weird thing with my memory where my visual/auditory memory are weirdly strongly connected. So if I'm listening to something while drawing, if I listen to it again, I can 'see' what I was drawing at the time. If I look at the drawing, I'll remember the part of the audiobook or whatever I was listening to. It's to the point that if I was listening to an audiobook while playing a certain video game, hearing the audiobook again will make me crave playing the video game really intensely! It's like I can see exactly where I was in the game as if I was playing it right now. Anyway, I hope that was helpful. I tried to include everything I could think of. My life is very rigid, but I guess if there's one more thing I could say about that, it's that the rigidity excites me and feels like it lights up my brain with feel-good chemicals. I think having ocpd is like a combination of extreme anxiety and the ability to create fun engaging activities all by myself and with very few resources.

[apprenticestanheight]

Work Stress- Adam Stanheight x gn! reader

ALLLLLLL RIGHT, welcome to the monthly "my mental health is shit" fic that I bestow upon the people whenever my mental health isn't as great as it could be, which--in fairness--is nearly all the fucking time.

Two of these might be coming out this month, though! I have not had the greatest streak of days without anxiety lately and I write fics whenever it gets really bad. The day I finished this one, I was like "I am going to write something. for chainshipping (again)" so a chainshipping fic will probably be out by the end of the week

On some other notes, A: while it's not explicitly stated, the reader is what's traditionally considered midsized as that's what I am and I wanted to write a fic with my body type. As per usual with me, the reader is generally gn but as I know the anatomy best, they're AFAB. B: requests are starting to get looked at! I have one waiting to be finished, edited and posted sitting in my drafts but otherwise will have probably looked through and decided which requests I will do vs which ones I won't by the time this has been posted. Things will probably start coming out at the end of this week and keep coming out into next.

Fic type- this jumps into a lot of differing areas, but the main genres are quite possibly the oddest combination I've ever written--smut and angst.

Warnings- as this fic contains smut it caters to an audience of people 18+, so minors, DO NOT INTERACT. There is A LOT here--p in v, oral (both recieve, even if on Adams end the oral is only mentioned), doggy style, fingering, petplay kind of (I was trying to think of a gender neutral petname and puppy was the only thing my brain could think of at first. It's literally just used as a petname and gets overshadowed by 'baby' after a point bc I remembered that that word existed--I wrote a lot of this while tired, pls take some of the stuff in it with a grain of salt), as for sfw warnings: there's a mention of loss of appetite in relation to extreme stress

It's no secret to Adam that you've been having a very, very rough year.

You've been living together since just a couple weeks after he'd escaped the trap--he was taken from his apartment and found it too anxiety inducing to stay there so you let him move into yours.

You'd been dating since you were twenty one and at twenty six, moving in was bound to happen eventually, but getting out of his lease was taking a hell of a lot more time than Adam had originally anticipated.

He noticed every rough day in the bags that you'd begun to sport underneath your eyes, how late you came to bed and your reluctancy to be very affectionate with him--whenever things got bad, be it at work or with stuff going on in your head, you withdrew and pushed him away--and in the fact that you weren't eating as much, in that you always looked like your mind was somewhere else, wandering off completely.

So, one day near the middle of November--where he'd started to notice your bad days in very early March--he joins you in the kitchen while you speak to one of your bosses via phone call.

He presses a kiss to your forehead, grabs your hand, gives it a squeeze. He wants to cheer you up--you're prone to bad days due to insecurity and because of a long-standing not so great track record where your mental health is concerned--and, in that particular moment, finds himself willing to do anything.

You give your best go at grinning back at him, but it comes out looking like more of a grimace. You let Adams hand go to run a stressed hand through your hair, returning your hand to Adams and letting him interlace your fingers thereafter.

"Yes," you whisper. "I understand that things are always tough in the last quarter, but--" you sigh dejectedly as your boss cuts you off, and Adam presses another kiss to your forehead, letting his lips linger for a minute.

"Yes, Earle--but you're not seeing the point here. I'm eligible for the raise because I've kept the teams afloat! The only reason you're not also eligible for the raise is because you took an eight month vacation with PTO that you quite literally stole from other employees, myself included, and just because Monica isn't willing to fire you over that doesn't mean your actions didn't warrant alternative punishments," you lean forward, press a kiss to Adams shoulder. Adams grin widens slightly as he notices that you're visibly relaxing from his touches.

A solid two minutes of shouting pass by on the other end. Adam gives your hand a supportive squeeze whenever Earles voice raises another octave in his shouting, pressing kisses against your temple when you let him pull you into a half hug. He keeps hold of your hand when the position changes, your torso pressing against the counter as Adam stands in front of you.

"Earle--I am eligible for the raise because you took six weeks of PTO from me, which I only get thanks to our companies union," You snap. "Now, because I had to spend so much time doing my fucking job, unlike you, I'm eligible for enough of a raise to make me capable of buying a home by '06, and if you're pissed off at me for that, I genuinely cannot help you any further. I have a boyfriend who I would much rather be talking to over your sorry arse, so I'm going to hang up now and if you call me back, I will ignore it. Have the day you deserve, asshat."

You hang up the phone and sigh, gaze meeting Adams in an instant.

"'M sorry," you whisper, biting your top lip for a few seconds as you look at him. "Work has been a fuckin' mess since like, the end of February. I just--damn it all."

"Eh, Earle sounds like a dickhead," Adam laughs. "How does one even get away with--eight full months? Of PTO? How?"

"Per the union agreement we have, we get six weeks a year," you start. "It's why I'm always off in December--I like staying home when it gets cold, gives me an excuse to read and drink more tea than I should--but we've moved to digitizing off time recently. Took the six weeks I'd planned to pace between the end of this month and all of next and switched them up for himself. Did that with five other employees and still, Monica doesn't fire him. Just makes me eligible for a raise of fifteen dollars on company dime because the off time I lost out on forced me to do more while I was there. Our company has one hundred and eighty-six employees in the Jersey branch and a bunch of 'em like taking spaces in the last six months of the year off, so it was me managing two teams of eighty people. Not easy work at all."

Adam blinks. "Did Monica even offer to give you the PTO back?"

"She gave me hers," you shrug. "Earle can have a lot of fuckin' fun managing one hundred and sixty people by himself. I'll find out if I get the raise tomorrow morning and my PTO will kick in then, too. He can eat shit as far as I'm concerned, I have a long list of books and two boxes of my favorite tea to drink my way through as of tomorrow."

You let Adam lead you into your shared bedroom, humming as you lay down on your bed and close your eyes.

"Are you okay?" Adam asks.

"Been a very, very stressful eight months," you laugh. "Trying to think of what I need and only one thing continually comes to mind."

"What's that?" You can hear the eagerness behind the teasing tone in Adams voice.

"I need--uh--" You laugh, suddenly feeling a little awkward. Propositioning Adam for sex was not typically done with words but kisses and your hands on his chest, relishing in the way that he looked when he lead you to your bedroom and fucked you senseless.

"Go on, baby," Adam whispers, his lips suddenly near your ear. "Gonna say it?"

You hum, suddenly embarrassed at yourself, and Adam laughs.

"Use your words, puppy," He whispers, pressing a kiss against your earlobe. "How am I supposed to know what you want me to do if you don't use your words?"

You moan helplessly in response.

"You really are cute," Adam says. "Tough while at work, one phone call later and now you're helpless that you can't even speak. Can't even say one word."

"Adam," you breathe, both because it's the one word that's coming to mind and also because you know he loves the way you say his name when all you want is for him to fuck you.

"Good puppy," Adam presses a kiss to your cheek. "Tell me what you want me to do, mm? I'll do whatever you want, but if you want me to fuck you, know that you'll be in bed for a long time once we go to sleep. You're going to come a lot tonight, puppy. You deserve it."

You moan in response. "Please," you whisper.

"You want me to fuck you, puppy?"

"Yeah," you nod. "Adam--I need you to. Don't wanna think anymore. In eight months, I've thought enough for eight lifetimes. Fuck me senseless, please."

"Whatever you want," Adam says, pulling you into a long kiss that has your head spinning.

You spend the next few minutes like that, in a kiss that's so intense, so loving and so fucking good that you wonder how you've been able to go so long being fine with quick kisses and self gratification.

The first kiss reminds you of how amazing it is to be kissed by Adam whenever the more dominant side of him comes out for a bit of fun, the way that his hands anchor themselves on your hips before one slides up your torso to cup your face, the sureness of his tongue in your mouth--everything feels amazing, and it's almost like it's too good to be true.

And then Adam pulls away for air and your eyes are opening and his lips are against your clothed shoulder, breathing in deeply with a smile on his face.

"I'm sorry we've not been--well--" you start. Adam tilts your chin upward and presses a kiss on the underside of your jaw. "I've been a terrible--"

"I've missed this, sure," Adam says, pressing another kiss against the underside of your jaw. "Yeah. Of course I've missed it, Y/N, but I absolutely understand that you've been busy. Work has kept me busy, too, so I'm just glad we can have tonight. I've missed you so much and I just wanna make you forget about how shitty the past months have been. Wanna make sure the only word you remember how to stay is my name, and that's what I'm going to do tonight, puppy. Sounds good?"

You nod eagerly, which makes Adam laugh as the hand that's on your hip gives it a squeeze.

Your gaze becomes affixed to a random point on the ceiling as Adams kisses rove across the scope of your neck, one hand on your jaw to move your head whenever he wants better access.

After a point, you start to realize that his kisses are getting longer and not too long thereafter you realize that Adam is carefully laying hickeys over your neck and is taking his time with doing it.

You want to murmur a quip, do something to jab at the possessiveness hickeys usually carry, but right as you go to do so his lips and tongue find a home on the pulse point on the right side of your neck and all you can do is moan softly, one hand finding his hair.

"Adam," you whisper. "Fucking hell, Adam--you're going to drive me insane. Please don't stop."

You hear Adams laugh, slow, amused, a little sadistic. "Well, if I'm the one who drives you to insanity, I think that means I'm the one who has to pull you out of it, doesn't it, puppy?"

With the use of that one, silly nickname, you're reduced to what is basically a human shaped puddle, and Adam knows it. Whenever he calls you his puppy in a slightly dominant tone, your knees are at risk of giving out and the look you give him is tantamount to torture if he intends to tease you until you're begging.

"Mhm," you hum, moaning as Adams lips press in a peck against your pulse point. "Also means the same if you put me into subspace with all this foreplay, Adam."

Adam grins, and you let him tilt your chin so that your head turns to meet his gaze.

"Of course," he says. "I'm basically an aftercare god, despite the fact that Scott dunked on me for it while believing a cigarette afterwards is anything less than the bare minimum--I'll take good care of you once the session is done, puppy. I promise."

Your shoulders relax at the reassurance, and you grin as Adams lips press against your forehead.

You nod after a second. "Okay," you say. "I--thank you, for this. Pre-emptively."

Deep enough into subspace and you'll borderline on mute, only able to focus on how Adams ministrations feel. You have no doubt he intends to take you there tonight, so you feel the need to thank him before you slink that far in and have to wait for it to wear off to speak a coherent sentence to him again.

"We both need it, so it's my pleasure," Adam says, starting to undo the buttons of the black long sleeved button up you'd worn to work and had yet to take off that day. "And yours--it's both of us. I promise I'll start getting more dominant in a sec, these buttons hate me."

You laugh a little, helping him undo the rest of the buttons. "They're square. They hate everybody, me included. Getting this shirt on was a nightmare this morning and I've been reminded as to why I never wear the damn thing."

Adam uses the small of your back to guide you off the bed just enough to be able to completely take the shirt off, following it by the oddly quick--Adam is very, very good at undoing the pesky little hooks that hold bras together, oddly--removal of your bra.

His lips are on yours again, one hand on your bare hip while the other finds itself cupping your face, tongue gliding across your lip in asking for entrance which you grant as your arms wrap around his shoulders.

Kissing Adam in moments like that is always amazing--kissing him has been one of your favorite things since your romance started, even quick and chaste kisses that don't last more than a few seconds. Kissing Adam has never ceased to be an absolute delight, whether it led to sex or was used as an alternative form of "hello" "goodbye" "good night" or "good morning."

And then his lips start traversing down your neck once more, and then they go further.

Adam starts draping kiss after kiss across your torso, lips pressing against you in a way that allows his tongue to poke through his teeth as he kisses you with his mouth slightly open. Every single touch of his cold tongue against your warm skin makes you clench around nothing, quickens your heart rate and feels so impossibly delightful. Adam is kissing you in a way that damn near drives you insane, and you feel yourself sinking into how good his lips and tongue feel against you as he delivers praise between kisses.

"Such a good puppy for me, mm?" Adam murmurs when he's close to your belly button. "Taking all of this so well even though you probably just want me inside you already. Such a good cumdump for me, puppy. Perfect."

You hum in response, eyes drifting down to meet his gaze as he looks up at you. He smiles, briefly, before continuing with his kisses, letting himself spend a lot of time on your hips before his kisses rove across your stomach.

He kisses along your v-line slowly and in a way that makes you want to start begging, hands roving up from your hips to your biceps.

He glances at you for a second in the asking, waiting for you to nod. You do so and Adams hands move to your pants, taking them off along with your underwear before laughing at himself.

"I've got you here, lookin' fucking perfect," he says, kissing your bicep. "And yet I'm still clothed."

Your hands go to the hem of his shirt and he lets you pull it off, kissing the side of your shoulder as he watches you toss it near the laundry hamper in the far left corner of the room. Next come his pants and his boxers, which Adam takes off in a manner that's somehow effortless despite his continued kisses to your biceps throughout the process.

"I forget how much I love your arms until I'm kissing your biceps again," Adam says, laughing a little. "Fuck, baby. Your arms are fucking gorgeous."

You hum, pressing your head into the pillow behind you as Adams kisses start up again and his hands start wandering. One settles against your face, cupping it softly, and the other goes wandering delightfully down your torso, not stopping until his fingers are millimeters above your clit.

He pauses, gaze meeting yours in a way that feels almost a little sadistic.

"Gonna make you come so many times tonight, baby," he says. "Safe word?"

"Hibiscus," you whisper. It's a precaution for when you get really kinky, a word you came up with but, five years into your relationship, have yet to actually use.

Adams lips press against the center of your collarbone, "good puppy," he whispers against the skin.

His fingers start making slow, tantalizing circles around your clit, and his kisses continue, roving down your torso and staying in the general area of your hips and stomach.

A few minutes pass you by, and right when Adam has picked up the speed and is bringing you to the edge of an orgasm, he stops.

When he notices the disappointment in the way your head falls back onto the pillow, he wastes no time in licking his fingers clean of the wetness spread across them.

"Didn't think I'd let you come so soon, did you, puppy?" Adam moves up, lips near your ear. "I did say I'd make you come multiple times tonight, but I said nothing of letting you do so without a little edging first. Gonna edge you until the sun goes down, at least, and then make you cum until at least one or two in the morning. Gonna call in sick tomorrow, too, so that I'm not worrying about waking up and going into work."

"How much more time until the sunset?" You ask. It's four--the sunset can't really be so far off, can it?

"An hour," Adam says. "But--to be fair, a lot more can be done in an hour than one might think. Also--eight hours between five and one am. Assuming that the session exhausts you, you'll probably wake up close to noon tomorrow, but there's snow in the forecast and I'll probably make you a cup of tea if I wake up before you do."

You hum. "Thank you, Adam," you whisper. He kisses you deeply, and you can still taste yourself on his tongue.

"Don't thank me," he says when he's pulled away. "It's what good partners do, especially when I'll have practically rearranged your guts and it'll be a reward for doing good anyway."

You laugh. Adam presses a kiss to your forehead as his hands once again ground themselves on your hips and yours find his shoulders, holding him close.

"I love you, baby," he says. "Sorry that work has been shit."

"I love you too," you respond. "And--that's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself for mistakes that aren't yours, Adam. Please, just kiss me. Wanna forget about work and stupid fucking Earle--just wanna think about how good it feels to be touched and kissed by you. Please."

Adams lips press against your forehead again, his hands cupping your face.

"Gonna make sure you do," he says. His lips move to your biceps again, and you shudder an intake of breath as he leaves a hickey in the wake of one of his kisses.

You have a thought to call him a hickey fiend but don't--the risk of joking with him when Adam is in dom mode is not worth the reward even slightly.

His kisses trail down your face to your neck, and from your neck to your chest. You moan a little when his lips find your nipples, biting gently as his hands give your hips a contented squeeze.

Your head falls back onto the pillow beneath it, and you smile slightly as you hear Adams contented hum as he kisses along your chest from one nipple to the other.

The next several minutes are spent in pretty much the same state. Adam kisses your chest and neck with an open mouth, tongue all too eager to leave a trail of saliva behind his kisses. He's mostly quiet as he goes about it, but every time he does something to make you moan his hands squeeze your hips in acknowledgement.

And then his lips move to your stomach, spending an absurd amount of time leaving hickeys in the less obvious places. He spends more time on your hips which tells you you'll have dark hickeys to look forward to once you have the time to investigate the state of your body in a mirror, but he's not always the dominant one when you two are having sex--you'll find your moment where he's in a particularly submissive mood and douse his body with light-ish hickeys in some very obvious spots.

His lips move down to your thighs, and his gaze meets yours.

"You're feeling all right?" He asks, lips pressing gloriously against the top of your right thigh. "Need you to make space for me, puppy. Haven't paid your thighs attention in so fucking long--'nother minute of waiting and I will go insane."

You laugh as you spread your legs and Adam positions himself in between them, lips moving across your thighs as his arms slip under them and his hands find your hips.

The amount of attention he devotes to your legs alone is almost a little excessive--it takes him ten minutes before he's content to move from your right leg to your left, and then he's focusing on that leg just as long.

Then again--Adam has always loved your thighs. You've had moments of insecurity that they were too big to handle but he's always met your insecurity with reassurance, promised that he'd tell you if he was having trouble breathing whenever he asked you to sit on his face. He loves your thighs and your biceps, which are two of the areas where you find most of your insecurity.

And then you feel his breath against your folds, and you breathe in deeply while clenching around nothing.

"Wanna taste you, puppy," Adam says. You're nodding eagerly before he can even finish the sentence, wondering how it was that you managed to go eight months without feeling Adams mouth over your folds, his lips on your clit.

Adam is good at giving oral--he is fucking amazing at it, and as his tongue presses flat against your folds, his gaze holding yours, you find that it seems he's still as good as he was eight months ago.

His tongue runs through your folds for a very long few seconds before it presses against your clit. You moan at the contact, eyes nearly rolling into the back of your head as his tongue moves in circles around the bundle of nerves.

His tongue moves back to your folds, and your hand goes to his hair. You don't hold him in a tight grip or anything, just enough to ground yourself and keep yourself from slipping away.

It's hard not to slip into it, though. The grip that Adam has on your hips, the way he's eating you out like a man starved and that goddamned nickname he always uses whenever he's domming. All of it is so much combined, so much after eight months, and all you want to do is slip into subspace and just let Adam use you however he wants.

He keeps going until you're so close--teetering on the edge, nearly ready to come on his face--and then he stops, pulling away with a glistening mouth to take a breath.

And then he's lifting himself off of you, pulling himself up to press kiss after kiss after kiss to the spot where your neck meets your shoulder, and his hand is cupping your face.

"Please, puppy," he says. "Don't wanna go eight months without this ever again. Missed it."

It takes everything in you to drum up a response, still working through the second almost-orgasm of the evening.

"Never," you manage to mumble as your head turns, seeking Adams lips. He kisses you slowly, meaningfully, and you have a moment--just a moment--where you hate yourself for letting sex get away from you for such a long time.

Work has been eight months of never ending stress, eight months of managing one hundred and sixty people, dealing with a boss who claims to care about the team but only offers a raise to the five people from whom a guy stole off time rather than firing the idiot. You feel bad--work has taken the majority of your head space since March, and that doesn't feel fair in the fucking slightest.

"Adam," you whisper. He presses a peck to your lower lip and darts his tongue out to wet his own.

"Yeah, puppy?"

"Missed you," you respond. "'M sorry about work. I promise I didn't mean to get so busy, it's just--Earle and his fucking scheme, and Monica refusing to fire his sorry ass while he has the time of his goddamned life in Monaco, and--ugh. I don't mean to ruin the mood but it's just not leaving my head."

Adam laughs, presses a kiss to your forehead. "I know how you get, Y/N," he says. "I'm too drunk on the thought of your thighs around my head to even get slightly turned off right now but that's not the point."

He laughs again, thumb gliding across your bottom lip. "I've been worried about you but I knew work was probably the reason for your late nights, baby. I promise, it just made me cherish our lazy mornings even more. If you don't like working there, you can always quit, too--you've got your rainy day savings, and my job lets me cover the rent and have money left for groceries if you don't get something right away. Has anything else been bugging you or is it just work?"

"Just been in a funk," you respond. "The sex is helping a lot, but I've always found that being with you helps me like nothing else can. Needed this, Adam. Even if you've kept me from orgasming twice so far."

"Fifteen more minutes til sundown," Adam says. "You'll be so sick of coming when I finally start letting you, baby. I think I have it in me to last eight hours, but that's because I'll be giving myself a reprieve. You, however, might not get one. Dunno--it depends on if you'll want one, really."

"You'll know I do if I use the safe word," you respond. "Just--be soft with me, mm? I don't think I can handle being degraded too much, if at all. I'm scared that if you call me a slut with a mean tone I'll just fall to pieces and start crying."

Adam laughs, presses a kiss to your temple. "Think I've done enough edging," he says. "Kind of just wanna kiss you until you're begging me for more, baby. Sound okay?"

You nod, arms wrapping around his shoulders. "You really wouldn't be mad if I quit my job?"

"I would be the opposite of angry at you if you just announced it and didn't even give your two weeks," Adam says. "You've spent the majority of the last year giving them an arm and both of your legs in the effort it's taken to keep things afloat. You're up for a significant raise which I would wait to see if you got, but there are places that pay the amount you'd be getting after your raise as the starting salary, which only goes up after the first six months. I'd start applying to those places if I were in your shoes and I didn't get the raise I fuckin' deserved."

Adams lips drop to your collarbone. "'M so in love with you," he says. "And I'm sorry that work has been such a shitstorm lately. If you want, you can switch from a marketing job to working for a salary that covers rent and groceries with me at the bookshop? They're hiring all the fucking time and it means I can basically just...spend the entirety of my break just kissing you relentlessly if you do decide to join up."

You laugh, pulling a hand through his hair. "Maybe," you say. "If I don't get the raise."

Adam laughs, gently biting against your collarbone as his hands find your hips again.

"Love your hips, puppy," he says. "Will probably have to put lotion on the hickeys I left on 'em. Got a little carried away."

"I'll get my revenge somehow," you respond. "If you ever find yourself in a submissive mood, I will absolutely cover your neck in them."

"I like hickeys in obvious places, so long as you keep them light,"

"Oh, they will be. Everywhere but your pulse point--I happen to like your pulse point, Adam. Might get carried away worse than you did with my hips."

Adam bites your collarbone again, kissing up the center of it to the underside of your jaw before his lips are once again against yours.

"I love you so fucking much," Adam says into the kiss, giving your hips a hard squeeze. "Fuck, Y/N. Gonna make sure all of your stress is gone from your mind completely. Just want you to be thinking about me, puppy."

All you can do in response is moan into Adams mouth, closing your eyes and moaning once more as he uses your moaning to slip his tongue into your mouth, one hand coming up to cup your face.

You spend the next little eternity kissing, moaning whenever Adams hands squeeze whichever part of your body they've ended up near or on--typically your ass, just below it on your thigh, your hips, or your tits--and occasionally tugging at the hairs near the nape of his neck, where one of your hands rests.

And then, Adam pulls away. You gaze at him as he holds himself up by his elbows, a handsome smirk on his face.

"You're all right?" He asks.

The truth is, all you can think about is the memory of his cock inside you and you're convinced it's slowly driving you nuts, but by all other accounts, yeah.

You nod. "I'm amazing, Adam," you say. "Need to feel you."

As you speak the words, Adam is already reaching for his night stand on his side of the bed, grabbing a condom.

You roll it onto his length, one of your hands overlapping the hand he places on your hip as you lie back down.

Adam positions himself at your entrance, pushing into you slowly even despite how wet you are--you're more than ready to feel him, but Adam still goes slow to be cautious.

When he bottoms out, both of you moan. Your lips are almost right next to Adams ear, his forehead pressing against your shoulder, so the sound of you moaning just makes Adam want you more. One of his hands is on your breast, and he squeezes it, rolling the nipple between his first finger and thumb as you clench around his length.

After a minute, you're telling Adam he can start moving and his thrusts come to a slow start as Adam figures out the pace he wants to start with.

His lips have dipped close to your ear when he whispers, "you're so wet for me," and he kisses the side of your head before adding "such a good puppy. Fuck--you're amazing."

And you're moaning in response, starting to get cockdrunk as Adam moves in calculated thrusts, one hand propping himself up by the elbow and the other against your hip.

Your thighs wrap around his waist to keep him in place, and Adam laughs as he lifts the hand on your hip to cup your face.

"You like this, baby?" He asks. You moan, nodding slightly as your eyes close, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

"Such a good puppy for me," he says. "So good, baby. You're doing so good."

And then you moan again, and Adam presses a kiss to the corner of your lips. He quickens the pace of his thrusts, lips moving to your neck as the hand that was on your face moves to your clit, rubbing circles around it and delighting in the moans it brings from your throat.

Your release spurs his on, and while you moan and release around him Adam releases into the condom, thrusting his way through the aftershocks and the way that your legs start shaking with them.

He pulls out and discards the condom, heading back to you quickly and peppering your face with kisses.

You find yourself in a state of complete and total relaxation and euphoria. Adams hands on you make you sink further in, and Adam laughs a little--you're looking at him like he's the love of your life while you're practically drowning in post-orgasm bliss, which is a delightful and meaningful addition to the times in which you've looked at him like that, particularly whenever he's decided to surprise you with breakfast or when you wake up to find him admiring you as he'd woken up before you had.

"You're feeling all right?" The orgasm had been a little intense.

You nod, and Adam presses his nose against the apple of your cheek, pressing a quick kiss there as his hands find your face.

"Going quiet?" He presses his lips to your forehead. "Not for long, baby. I have at least seven more hours with you, yeah?"

You nod, and Adams lips are on yours again.

A lot of the time, you start to realize, will be passed with Adams lips against yours, his hands going somewhere on your body as you moan and whine at his touches.

You don't hate the idea, though--Adam is a damn good kisser and absolutely knows what he's doing with his lips and tongue. You've proven yourself capable of lazily making out with Adam for hours several times, though that was when the two of you were kiss fiends in the honeymoon phase and couldn't go more than twenty minutes without it.

But then, Adams lips trail from your lips to your chest, paying attention to it as his hands move from your face to your hips. Once he's paid satisfactory attention to your chest, he moves to your stomach, where, per the presence of your hips close by, he stays for a long ten minutes.

Then his lips are on your inner thighs and your hand is in his hair and all you can do is moan, one word waiting and ready at the tip of your tongue but not falling off of it.

You watch through half lidded eyes as Adams eyes lock on your cunt, nod fervently when his gaze meets yours and his head tilts in the asking.

His tongue finds your clit and he moves one finger, slowly, into your hole as his lips follow his tongue. You turn your head and moan into the pillow in an effort to silence yourself, but the noise level at which the moan sits is still so obscene that Adam chuckles, shaking his head as his left arm slips under your thigh and his hand finds purchase at your chest.

Adams tongue moves around your clit in evenly paced circles, finger moving at a calculated pace as he adds another. Adams fingers curl around your g-spot once every fifteen-ish seconds, and every time your moans get louder because of the action, Adam laughs a little and presses his tongue flat against your clit.

Adam has you pushed to your orgasm in fifteen minutes. You barely have time to warn him before you're coming over his mouth, chin, and his hand, but Adam hardly cares. He only licks his fingers to clean them and juts his tongue out to run it over his lips, all while holding your gaze.

And then he's kissing you and you're tasting yourself, humming into the kiss as Adam reaches one arm out and fumbles for the nightstand in search of another condom.

Adam gets it and rips it open, sliding it onto his length and motioning for you to get on your knees and turn around. You do as he says and Adam slowly slides into you, the both of you moaning slightly as he bottoms out.

Adam waits a minute for you to adjust to him, and once you have he starts thrusting. He sets an even, quick pace and moves a hand to your clit, moaning as you lean back and press your back against his front.

Adams lips find a spot in the space between your neck and shoulder, and every last one of the sounds you make spurs him on. His moans are low, typically comorbid with yours, and they come in between the praise he manages to mumble out as he moves and you start moving back onto him.

"So good," he mutters, biting gently against your shoulder. "Fuck--"

You moan in response, unable to form any coherent thought other than Adams name.

"Adam," you whisper as the pace at which Adams finger touches your clit increases. "Adam--"

You feel him smile against your skin, a cocky grin taking up his face.

"Yes, baby?" He asks, moaning as you clench around him. "Gonna use your words for me, mm?"

"Adam," it's the only word that comes to mind right now, though it'll be one of ten, at best, once he's pushed you to orgasm again.

"Adam, oh--" You moan as he snaps his hips up into you.

Adam keeps the pace he's set and it's not long before you're moaning loudly as Adams lips and tongue suck a hickey into the space where your neck meets your shoulder, your release occurring just seconds before his own, before he's a moaning mess as he thrusts into you through the aftershocks.

Adam pulls out and lays you back onto the bed before rolling the condom off and tossing it into the trash.

The cycle continues that way until you find yourselves nearing one in the morning. Your lips are wet with your own saliva after you've pulled off of Adams length and he's being sweet, your face in his hands as you start moving to sit on the bed.

"One more for me, baby," he says. In eight hours, you've come more than eight times, your legs are basically jelly, and all you have on your mind is Adam. "Just one more, mm? Then I'll run us a bath and we can just relax, I promise. Aftercare god, remember?" He laughs a little at the tail end of his sentence, cringing at himself a little bit.

And you're nodding, smiling at Adam as his lips find your inner thighs and you're blissed out on post-orgasm euphoria--Adam had let you touch yourself while sucking his dick, and you'd come over your hand as he shot his load into your mouth, which you'd agreed to let him do--and it's fifteen minutes til one and Adams lips against your thighs is absolutely amazing.

And then his lips and tongue go to your cunt, and you're moaning as your thighs wrap around his head, which leads to him laughing and squeezing your hips.

And Adam eats you out carefully, slowly, moaning as he does so. He's taking his time with you because you're blissed out and will definitively need to be easy on yourself in terms of walking after all that's been done. He's moaning, tongue moving through your folds in a way that feels incredible to both you and him, and his lips find your clit as he moves to start fingering you.

Adam sets a good pace, quick but not too quick, and curls his fingers at your g-spot with every thrust. You're moaning loudly despite the time and Adam is loving it, and then you're coming on his lips and his tongue and Adam is licking it off your cunt and his lips with a focused precision.

Then Adam is getting up, pressing a kiss to your forehead and telling you he'll be back in a few minutes. He tells you he loves you but doesn't expect a response--you're absolutely too blissed out to say much of anything, and he loves it because it's the first time in eight months where you've looked so relaxed, the first time in eight months where you've felt it.

Your eyes close as Adam leaves your shared bedroom, and you hear him starting up a bath. You smile to yourself, pressing your cheek against the pillow, having a brief, floaty thought of I am so lucky before Adam comes into the room again, smile on his clean face.

He kisses your eyelids, hands finding and interlacing themselves with yours.

"C'mon," he says. "I've run us a bath, baby. Gonna relax your legs, which are definitely sore by this point."

And then your eyes are opening and he's helping you stand as he tells you how much he loves you and how amazing you were during the session, and his lips are against your forehead in a kiss.

You're mostly quiet as Adam leads you to the bathroom, humming as you get into the tub with him.

You press your chin against Adams shoulder and in the next few minutes, you're still tired but the water is still hot and you're starting to form coherent thoughts again.

"Thank you," you whisper, pressing a kiss to Adams wet shoulder. He hums, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"For what?" Adam asks.

"For the last nine hours," you say. "For making me forget about work stress and for the sex."

Adam laughs, pressing another kiss to your forehead. "The sex was enjoyable for both parties, then," he says. "And--you're welcome, but you don't need to thank me. Just wanted to help you de-stress a little, and I'm glad I could do that."

You're in the bath together for thirty-ish minutes after that, and you let Adam wash your hair as he peppers your hickied neck with kisses and his hands run along your biceps. You wash his, and you spend the time waiting for the conditioner to set talking about your plans for the day as the day has turned.

Adam intends to let you sleep in and to make breakfast, and you intend to at least move from the bedroom to the living room after you've woken up so that you can read from the comfort of your couch.

You get out of the bath and, because your legs are still pretty sore, have barely any choice but to let Adam help you back to your room and sit on the bed as Adam gets dressed and grabs you clothes.

You get dressed into a pair of black boxers--they, Adam decides, will be comfier than sweatpants--and a hoodie Adam had during his baggy clothes phase that's baggy on you, too, and covers two thirds of your thigh before your knee amidst laughter and kisses that you share in the relative dark.

You and Adam end up going to sleep on the couch anyway so as to avoid halfhearted fighting about who sleeps on the wet spot on the bed from the sweat emitted during sex, curled up in each others arms with a thick, warm and fuzzy blanket covering you both up to your shoulders.

[anotherpapercut]

hi more drug question

I have been told many many times that using ecstasy will basically fry your seratonin receptors so that you will never be able to feel happy again unless you are using the drug. I am assuming now that this is false but I am curious now as to how false. Is it something that CAN happen if you take too much at once or too often, or is this just random Drug Scary misinformation

Also also since wellbutrin is not an SSRI does LSD work when you are on it or does it also cancel it out

lol that's kind of an extreme version of what I usually hear! you're right that basically the answer here is no. this comes from a couple different things. first is MDMA induced serotonin toxicity, and 2nd is something called "serotonin syndrome" which is a real thing that can happen, but it's really really hard to get like this. prepare for a very long answer lmfaooo

MDMA induced serotonin toxicity occurs when you take too high doses too frequently. MDMA IS slightly neurotoxic, but so are many prescription drugs so don't let that word freak you out too much! basically MDMA works by dumping large amounts of serotonin into your brain, hence why it's the happy/love drug lol. if you take too much too often, your brain will straight up run out of serotonin. obviously that's bad! it's not as simple as "never feeling happy again" but you will essentially have depression for a bit because of lack of serotonin (on its own, low serotonin levels following modest MDMA use is not damaging and resolves within a few days) but the real problem is that if you are on MDMA with depleted serotonin, your brain will continue releasing dopamine which will attach to the serotonin receptors and damage them. this is what can cause long term depression symptoms, the damaged serotonin receptors. ultimately your brain will heal this on its own unless for some reason I guess you keep taking it a lot (which would have no effect. when you take too much MDMA your brain just runs out of serotonin to dump so like. it just won't work lol)?? it can also be treated with the supplement NAC, which I would recommend taking any time you use MDMA because of this!

to sum up MDMA toxicity: it can happen but only if you're misusing it! it's generally recommended that you dont do much more than 1 dose every 3 months or so to make sure your brain has time to reset. research interactions with anything else you're using (prescription or not), take some NAC in the weeks following a dose, drink a lot of water, keep your body temperature regular because that can worsen it, and take some antioxidants like alpha lipoic acid and grape seed oil during/immediately after taking MDMA - it's when you come down that your brain is delicate and could use the protection. also this may sound counterintuitive but weed also has antioxidant properties, so smoking it as you come down helps a lot. also if you DO have MDMA toxicity taking more MDMA will not help u feel happy unfortunately it will just make it worse lol, your brain only has so much serotonin to give

now serotonin syndrome can happen with the misuse of any drug that works on serotonin including MAOIs, SSRIs, and SNRIs, usually by taking a VERY large dose (but some people are just extremely sensitive). it usually takes care of itself eventually, but the amount of time it takes and stuff is kinda hard to pin down bc it's REALLY misunderstood and tends to be overly self diagnosed. again this is like super super hard to do. you would have to take a MASSIVE dose or mix it with other serotonin affecting drugs (ESPECIALLY MAOIs. DO NOT MIX MDMA WITH MAOI ANTI DEPRESSANTS). like 5 times the normal dose at least probably (partner is currently trying to find some literature on it so he'll add that in the replies if he finds anything interesting). it will cause things like heightened anxiety and body temperature and can cause kidney problems or seizures if it's like really bad and untreated. but you'd feel REALLY bad before it got to that point, so in general like, if you take any type of drug and feel extremely bad after go to the doctor lol. mostly this will also just heal itself; your brain is pretty resilient! again usually if this does happen it's very minor. cases bad enough to require hospitalization are exceedingly rare

to give you an example of what these can look like, I have a friend who was given about 3-4 times a regular dose by a fucking piece of shit asshole she knows and, this part is crucial, it was mixed with a very large amount of alcohol AND acid (which can slightly increase the neurotoxicity. normally not a huge issue but becomes one in circumstances like this), AND coke; like she was blackout drunk and while not on a lot of acid or coke, this is just too many things to have in your body and brain at one time. the mixture of such a large amount different drugs caused her what I'm guessing was a mild case of both of these things at once. she experienced slightly worsened depression for about 6 months after, and actually had a mild stutter for almost a year. I made sure she took some NAC and other things that aid brain healing, and she didn't try molly again for a long time to be super sure she didn't overload her brain before it was ready. this is a pretty extreme case, and even with that she has fully recovered thankfully. do NOT EVER do drugs with someone you don't trust with your life. DO NOT EVER do drugs in doses you have not confirmed for yourself to be safe and DO NOT EVER mix drugs without finding out if it's safe!!! just as a small aside though: usually taking molly and acid at the same time is perfectly safe. in fact it's called a candy flip and I HIGHLY recommend it because it's fucking awesome. again, just make sure you are taking safe doses in a safe environment

OKAY now finally your specific question about Wellbutrin: I actually take Wellbutrin so I can answer this one from personal experience! Wellbutrin should not alter the effects of LSD in any way HOWEVER! both of these drugs lower your seizure threshold! I'm on the max dose of Wellbutrin (which is the max dose BECAUSE of seizure risk) so when I plan to drop acid I usually either skip my dose entirely that day or only take half depending on how much acid I'm planning to take. because of the way Wellbutrin works, this shouldn't cause you any problems as far as that goes. for me, not taking my Wellbutrin for a day mainly has the effect of making me more fatigued, and acid counteracts that really well by making me feel very awake/aware. if you don't want to skip or halve your dose though you can also take things that will RAISE your seizure threshold. so like I sometimes will smoke hemp because CBD actually will help with that. the risk here isn't huge either way especially if you have no history of seizures, but again if it's something you're concerned about you should be just fine skipping or lowering your dose for the day. acid usually lasts about 12 hours too so i personally don't even care about skipping the Wellbutrin that much because it basically does the same thing for me. I did take my full Wellbutrin dose the last couple times I've done acid though because I was taking a very small amount of acid (about half a tab)

in summation lol sort of TLDR I generally would recommend MDMA for recreational use because the risks of damage are low and it's safe if you are safe about it. and it's honestly just a really fun one! the only negative effect I've ever felt is some emotional and physical fatigue the following day, and this is largely because of how emotional and energetic you are on it. I just make sure to have the next day off to lay around and listen to music :)

taking it with a partner or loved one will give you an especially beautiful experience, as MDMA has been proven to facilitate extremely open emotional conversations. in fact, when MDMA was first synthesized it's primary use was in psychotherapy! research was shut down during the war on drugs, but in recent studies it's demonstrated amazing abilities to treat and even straight up CURE disorders like PTSD. for a personal anecdote, my partner actually completely fucking cured his alcoholism on a combo of MDMA and whippets (nitrous oxide) lmfao. like dude straight up went from getting black out drunk multiple nights a week to drinking nothing for the past year and a half without any other treatment program. LSD has been proven to have similar incredible results with treating and curing things like depression, anxiety, PTSD and addiction and is also a very fun and very safe one.

sorry to reiterate for the billionth time lol but it's important: these drugs are safe and fun if you make sure they're safe and fun! do your research and never use in an unfamiliar environment with people you wouldn't trust in an emergency! also I know this sounds like a lot, but remember I'm giving you like the absolute safest possible practices and emphasizing sort of over cautiousness because I think it's always better to be too safe. I've taken molly without nac and I've taken kinda big doses a little closer together than I should have without any problems. there's a bit of flexibility to these guidelines, but it's always better to think of them as being rigid so you don't end up too far in the other direction. like I've said it's really really hard to do actual damage that would last more than like a day or 2 max. most of the time you'll just be sleepy the next day from all the dancing so it's nice to do it on a day 1 of a weekend. also it only lasts like a couple of hours lol so it's not your whole day or anything!

[reviewsbyliam]

Nicki Minaj - Last Time I Saw You

(Single Review)

01/09/23

Friendly Reminder: make sure to listen to the song whilst reading!

Nicki Minaj for Last Time I Saw You

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Kicking off September with the supposed lead single from her highly anticipated 5th album 'Pink Friday 2' is none other than Nicki Minaj.

Last Time I Saw You is the 3rd single to be released from her upcoming album, with 1 & 2 being the #1 HIT Super Freaky Girl and Red Ruby Da Sleeze which introduced her new alter ego, Red Ruby Da Sleeze.

Earlier today, Nicki spoke with Zane Lowe on the New Music Daily series which is platformed by Apple Music Radio, touching on the subjects behind the song.

She indicated that it's partly about her late Father, Robert Maraj, who was killed in a hit-and-run in February of 2021, also adding; "The vibe of it was really talking about a loss, a real loss you know. But to not make the song feel only directed at one kind of loss. When I wrote the singing verse, I tried to expand it and think even about relationships. And then by the time I got to the rap, it was like I had included all relationships that I had lost before, because I mentioned even best friends and stuff like that."

Never forgetting to also pay homage to her own personal growth, Nicki stated; "I just wanted the next song that I put out to represent my growth, but not just as an artist, but as a human being. I’ve experienced so many things that I hadn’t experienced five years ago, and that’s just the truth."

Talking earlier today to Zane Lowe about the current rap climate, Nicki said: "I felt that if I don’t take the risk, that I’m just as bad as everyone else who I think should make a change. And not only artists, but people behind the scenes. Because the truth of the matter is people are experiencing real life every day. Believe it or not, people are going through real shit every day. So just because they don’t have that music out to express it, it doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing it."

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Taking risks from the music she has previously put out was the best choice for Nicki, as it proves that no matter how long she has been in the game for; she'll always find a way to create a new wave and ride it like no other whilst managing to stay relatable with her sound and writing.

Diversity in your lyricism and flow alongside experimenting with beats is something that many rappers lack so they choose to stick to their comfort zones, but for Nicki? That's not her story. Each album she has put out for public consumption has been consistently different. From flows, beats, lyrics, alter egos, stories - nothing is the same. Nicki being 15 years into her career and still finding ways to elevate her musical skill is truly inspirational.

After becoming a mother and surviving a very consistent hate train from the general public in 2018 that lasted for a couple years, it's more obvious now than ever that Nicki is ready to show the world what shes made of once again and gently but savagely remind people that whilst they might be able to play with others, they can't play with her. At all.

I'm personally extremely excited for her new album and eager to hear what sounds she has been experimenting with in her studio, alongside everything else that comes. Being a fan since Pink Friday was first released in 2010, it always is anxiety inducing when you don't exactly know where your favorite artists creative mind is directing itself, but then I also find that's what makes it so exciting about being a fan of that person, because when their past work is so consistent and still streamed to this day, you know you won't be let down no matter what, especially when its a mastermind like Nicki Minaj.

PINK FRIDAY 2 OUT NOVEMBER 17TH 2023

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CONCLUSION: A very emotionally layered track from Nicki that is upbeat and catchy whilst managing to stay unique, securing it's destiny for greatness. I (like many others) found myself able to relate on a personal level with past and current situations and even found myself getting a bit emotional at one point once I understood her own personal connections with the song. A very cohesive, well produced track with outstanding vocals and flow from Nicki.

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Last Time I Saw You is a certified 10/10 by Reviews By Liam

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Thank you for checking out my review of Nicki Minaj's new single Last Time I Saw You!

If you would like to listen to Last Time I Saw You, it is available to stream on Spotify and Apple Music, or purchase from iTunes.

Please support my blog by giving me a follow and sharing my reviews with your family and friends, whilst not forgetting to leave your own comments below!

X (Twitter): reviewsbyliam

Instagram: reviewsbyliam

[the-only-authority]

Authority,

You are the last person I have yet to send an apology to. This was on purpose. If I'm going to be honest, you are actually extremely intimidating and therefore the most anxiety-inducing when I have wronged you. Which I have. Repeatedly.

Much of the points here are the same as Suggestion's, though I will repeat them anyway for clarity. ("Or I will live, or bathe my dying honour in the blood, shall make it live again..." For some reason, I keep thinking of that quote when I talk to you. Maybe it is fitting here.)

Repeatedly -- in fact, from the very beginning -- I have assassinated your character, disgracing and ridiculing you with no reason to do so whatsoever. Admittedly, I do find it difficult to navigate what you would and would not find disrespectful. But by this point, I should be able to understand the general fact that my ignominy is highly dishonourable. I know our stubborn attitudes may clash at times, but regardless of this, I should know by now to not question you on these sorts of matters.

Furthermore, like Suggestion, I should *not* have allowed myself to fall into that trap of disregarding how you would have felt to have seen an impostor taking on your mannerisms and making extremely violating claims; and I should have owned up to what I had done earlier on to prevent this from simmering for so long. That was horrible and absolutely revolting of me to do.

I am thankful that you did not List me for this. I'd like to be able to stay off that list. If there is anything I can do to have my name cleared, anything I can do to pay reparations for my transgressions, please. I give you the same offer I presented to Suggestion; say the words and I will complete the task given to the best of my ability.

I should also note that I'm extremely thankful for the support you have cast my way. Not just in recent -- by taking one of my entries off the List after I confronted Rhetoric, by defending my temporary stint as a Psyche skill (even if that was a stupid idea) even against your second-in-command, by encouraging me to remember how to do my job in order to help Savoir Faire -- but also in general. I still think of your guarding during my shut-down, back during the secret admirer debacle, you know. I am in complete debt to you. I'm serious about this. I feel horrible for my behaviour in light of this.

I don't expect you to accept any apologies here; all I seek is to form a foundation for me to build respect in your eyes back up again. (Hopefully this hasn't been too grovel-y for that. My words here are honest. I have learned from my previous bouts of miscommunication with others.)

I hope that eventually we will be on speaking terms once more. I have made a pledge to improve my behaviour and intend to enact this moving forward.

Trick-or-treat, Authority.

With all due respect, @in-omni-scientia

I can respect someone owning up to their mistakes, even if your groveling here makes it hard in your specific case. I suppose, as you pointed out, that just comes with the territory of speaking to me, as I am of intimidating statue and mind.

Furthermore, I am nothing but merciful - you must have noticed, that I have allowed dialogue between us in the past days - more than you deserved at that point.

When I support you, I do my job. You should remember doing yours even in situation where you get... distracted.

You are not getting off the List competely. I will take this into account, however. There have to be some calculations, considering that you messaged me "last", however.

As a show of good will I am going to use the text editing tools recently discovered by me to give criticism on your meandering, lengthy letter:

Authority,

You are the last person I have yet to send an apology to. This was on purpose. If I'm going to be honest, you are actually extremely intimidating and therefore the most anxiety-inducing when I have wronged you. Which I have. Repeatedly.

Much of the points here are the same as Suggestion's, though I will repeat them anyway for clarity. ("Or I will live, or bathe my dying honour in the blood, shall make it live again..." For some reason, I keep thinking of that quote when I talk to you. Maybe it is fitting here.)

Repeatedly -- in fact, from the very beginning -- I have assassinated your character, disgracing and ridiculing you with no reason to do so whatsoever. Admittedly, I do find it difficult to navigate what you would and would not find disrespectful. But by this point, I should be able to understand the general fact that my ignominy is highly dishonourable. I know our stubborn attitudes may clash at times, but regardless of this, I should know by now to not question you on these sorts of matters.

Furthermore, like Suggestion, I should *not* have allowed myself to fall into that trap of disregarding how you would have felt to have seen an impostor taking on your mannerisms and making extremely violating claims; and I should have owned up to what I had done earlier on to prevent this from simmering for so long. That was horrible and absolutely revolting of me to do.

I am thankful that you did not List me for this. I'd like to be able to stay off that list. If there is anything I can do to have my name cleared, anything I can do to pay reparations for my transgressions, please. I give you the same offer I presented to Suggestion; say the words and I will complete the task given to the best of my ability.

I should also note that I'm extremely thankful for the support you have cast my way. Not just in recent -- by taking one of my entries off the List after I confronted Rhetoric, by defending my temporary stint as a Psyche skill (even if that was a stupid idea) even against your second-in-command, by encouraging me to remember how to do my job in order to help Savoir Faire -- but also in general. I still think of your guarding during my shut-down, back during the secret admirer debacle, you know. I am in complete debt to you. I'm serious about this. I feel horrible for my behaviour in light of this.

I don't expect you to accept any apologies here; all I seek is to form a foundation for me to build respect in your eyes back up again. (Hopefully this hasn't been too grovel-y for that. My words here are honest. I have learned from my previous bouts of miscommunication with others.)

I hope that eventually we will be on speaking terms once more. I have made a pledge to improve my behaviour and intend to enact this moving forward.

Trick-or-treat, Authority.

With all due respect, @in-omni-scientia

[agaycabbage]

an editor’s editing process...

...is a little anal, and probably a little chaotic, but it’s very effective! 

Here's how I plan and prep for my big edits/rewrites. The general idea is a visual display of the whole novel, chapter by chapter, with color-coded Post-it’s that decrease in size as we get from big pieces of content down to smaller details. 

I have my giant whiteboard (isn’t she beautiful?), and I map out each chapter with the yellow larger rectangles. Effectively these are a super simple backward outline with just a quick bulleted list of the content in every chapter. 

The orange-y squares are for bigger content or structure changes. If I’m editing the content of a chapter, I use one of these. 

The smallest Post-it’s are for the details, one for worldbuilding, one for character details, and another for focus points within the chapter. 

The final piece is those bright pink squares that show me where I’m going to add or remove a chapter and a quick description of what’s going into that chapter. 

And of course, because this is me, I have a key nearby so I don’t forget which color or Post-it is what. 

Especially with my neurodivergent brain, I find that a visual aspect added to my editing process is a game changer. Most people might have some pages of notes, might have it all in their mind, and then they sit down to edit. But I can’t sit down with a book I know by heart, all these edits in mind, and just...do it. 

First of all, that’s boring. ADHD brains don’t do boring. And I don’t really want to get bored with my book! 

Second, I’ll definitely lose track of everything I intend to do/add/change/remove. It’ll end up costing me more time in revisions when I need to go through another round of the things I forgot, and that’s assuming these things aren’t connected because that’s a whole different mess! 

Third, that just leaves me with no space to think things through, to test things out and move them around, to change my mind on the fly. 

This chaotic, beautiful board changes all that! 

When I edit for clients, I often walk them through the process of taking in edits and organizing the work needed. This sort of visual can be extremely helpful, and you could make this work in a notebook with post-its!

Everyone's process is going to be different, but if you find edits really painful, anxiety-inducing, difficult—consider adding a visual step. It might make all the difference.

Now...go forth and revise! 

[broomsick]

Short personal notes on lemon balm in witchcraft

Interesting historical facts: lemon balm was used by the beekeepers of the ancient Temples of Artemis who grew it so that the sacred bees would stay satisfied and remain in their hives. According to folk polish beliefs, lemon balm is the remedy to numerous physical ailments as it is believed to relieve pain, as well as being a powerful man-attracting herb girls would carry around to find a lover. Thanks to its nerve-calming effect, it was a pretty popular medicinal herb before and during the middle ages, when it was mixed to wine in order to lift someone’s spirits. Herbalists would even refer to it as the “elixir of life”.

When it comes to gardening, lemon balm is one tough cookie. It’s extremely tenacious and WILL take over the garden if you don’t discipline it. That’s why I personally prefer to grow it in its own separate pot. It’s better kept in a spot that catches some shade and doesn’t stay exposed to the sun all day long. If you only recently started to grow it, you were probably startled by its intense fragrance. Lemon balm does have a strong scent! Very fresh, very citrus-y. Its taste is just as keen, which is why it’s a popular way to flavor tea. Since its spiritual associations are mainly tied to healing, I tend to drink lemon balm tea when I have a headache or stomachache. Its calming qualities also make it a great bedside drink. However, it’s been reported that excessive, long-term consumption of lemon balm can induce higher body temperature, dizziness and stomach pains. It’s generally agreed upon that it also soothes sorrow, anxiety and grief, but when targeting such ailments, I prefer to use it in spells instead of plain tea, especially if I’m seeking a long-term solution. Dried and ground, it mixes well in any happiness, grief or stress-relief spellcraft. 

[38sr]

#industyQs

How realistically easy/hard is it to get a job in animation (say as a storyboard artist) if you genuinely work hard and do everything to make connections, get profolio reviews, ext? I see some people saying it’s extremely hard and some saying it’s isn’t that bad if you network and work hard. Overall just really scared to make the jump and fully commit to animation with the time and money it takes, and risk ending up not in the field for all of that.

Oh, hm, this is a bit of a real question. So before we begin I want to preface that what I say in this post is purely from my personal experience. By no means is the absolute and everyone's experience working in animation. Every person's path is different and will have a different story. Including you, Anon. What I say hear isn't something you should take as the only true gospel of breaking into animation because your experience will inherently be different from mine (which is good 'cause I hope you don't have face the struggles I had to and that you're able to succeed in life). If you wanna read more about the specifics of how I broke into animation (sorry it's a two part story), you can check that out in this previous ask. And with that, let's answer your question.

How realistically easy/hard is it to get a job in animation (say as a storyboard artist) if you genuinely work hard and do everything to make connections, get portfolio reviews, etc? I apologize if this comes of scary or anxiety-inducing: I don't know. It's something that's not really quantifiable even with hard work, networking, and portfolio reviews accounted for. As I stated before, everyone's path is different with various twists and turns. I've worked with people who are high school dropouts and are directing positions, people who went back to art school after building a family as designers, board artists, etc. I even worked with people who went to school for medicine or engineering (some even graduate school) and pivoted their whole careers past 30 years old.

There are people who take a month long course and get hired the next month. There are people who study all their life and don't break until years after graduation. There are people who "start late" (I believe it's never too late to start) and get jobs a couple years into their career journey. I'm firm believer of hard work pays off but at times it may fall a bit short because you might not be the right fit. It's happened to me many times when I knew I was qualified for a job but I didn't fit the show's tone/sensibilities. Sometimes there are forces completely out of your control that can never be quantified (like a show's tone) and are the reason why you don't get the job. Or even if you do have a job. I thought I set with job security at Marvel, but then I got laid off. It wasn't because me or my crew were horrible at our jobs. It was forces out of our control that we did not foresee/plan. Even though the crew was the right fit for the production, our production wasn't the right fit for Chapek's plans at that time. So...we had to find new work.

This isn't only about animation, but life in general. It's always a risk to make a decision to invest into something. Whether it's your time, money, love, mental health, physical health and so on. We all never know if the thing we invest ourselves in is ever 100% going to work out. I understand that fear of jumping into the unknown and things not paying off. When I decided to pursue animation as a kid, I became painfully aware of the fact that there weren't a lot of people like me that get to be showrunners/creators. I'm a black, Puerto-Rican, indigenous, queer woman and I saw no one like that in the animation space back then (whether on screen or behind the scenes). So it was scary to take a leap into that when I consciously knew that the cards were stacked against me. I didn't wanna waste my parents money on going to art school or my time of doing numerous still life paintings all for nothing. But that was a risk I took. And years later now working in animation, do I still feel that anxiety? Of course. I'm not going to sit here and lie that I don't feel anxious about what's the next job, if there is a job, or even when I'm on the job. But I still continue to take that risk 'cause I love animation wholeheartedly. While it's not a bad idea to weigh out your options, I personally think it's also okay to take a gamble on something you feel strongly about. I can sit here and say what if for hours on end and never start. Or, I can stop getting in my own way and do the thing I love regardless of the outcome. I rather take the shot and miss knowing that I put in the effort rather than not trying at all and ultimately missing the shot.

I hope for you, Anon, in this moment in where you feel a bit conflicted that you hear that it's okay to take that leap of faith. Maybe this is too sentimental, but I think that's what makes it so worthwhile in the end. Whether it works out or not, you still walk away with a learning experience and new found knowledge about yourself from going through those struggles. And you can take that experience into the step of your life feeling a bit less anxious about taking another leap of faith. I don't know how hard or easy it will be for you to break into animation. It could be 2 years, 5 years, 4 weeks, 8 months or even tomorrow. But if you never start, how will you know if it was never truly possible? At least for me, I'd like for you to take that jump haha. I hope that answered your question and I hope I didn't scare you about the reality of finding work in animation. The first one will always be the hardest one but it does get easier over time. As much as I would love to give a concrete ultimate breakdown of how to break in animation, it's a different experience for everyone. I just hope your experience will be filled with twists and turns that help you grow and enjoy your time working in animation!

[woodsfae]

Babylon 5 s02e05 The Long Dark

s02 Table of Contents • previous episode

ooo, What’s the Copernicus? Humans that left so long ago they don’t know what has been going on this whole time? Is it causing this “it’s coming through the walls -> I need some ozones -> get out out of my head” madness or is this poor fellow just kinda fucked up? 

“class c missionary license” that’s...um, a policy to have.

There’s something alive in the Copernicus! but is it human? Or is it eldritch madness??

There’s cryogenics in this universe!! (amelia earhart? hahaha. Voyager fans know what I’m talkin ‘bout)

She looks an awful lot like young Angelina Jolie. I will shit myself if Angelina Jolie guest starred on B5.

Nice to see Garibaldi having some human feelings of empathy for the indigents in the last few episodes instead of just body slamming them and knocking their heads into bartops.

“Well I find that life is, in general, much easier if I forget more of the things that happen to me.”

Been there, tried that, EMDR is easier in the long run.

“You were about to accuse the Centauri ambassador of being in league with the devil - which might not be that far from being the truth.”

LMAO Garibaldi. Slowly climbing the likeability ranks.

Lot of good lines here. I need to not stop and type out the entire conversation, but it is funny in a dark and relatable kind of way. This is probably why veterans tend to ask me where I served and I’m like “my case of c-ptsd was homegrown, organic, and free-range, actually. Now can you take a step to the left? You’re blocking my line of sight to the nearest escape route.”

The Copernicus human definitely isn’t Jolie, so I’m free to crap in the toilet.

ooOOOoooo a murder investigation on the Copernicus!

It bears repeating: I love these totally transparent masks, and once again am asking that they consider making their scrubs out of the same material.

“How long were we in stasis?” “...I think we should take this one day at a time.”

Dr Stephen Franklin I can tell you with 100% certainty that that answer is WAY MORE ANXIETY INDUCING than just being like “153 yrs,” or whatever it is. I’d have a panic attack and start assuming it had been like a thousand years or something.

It doesn’t seem like Ms Anachronism killed her crewmate (Will) from her reaction, but who knows! Maybe there’s cryogenic sleepwalking in this universe!

Mr War PTSD likes to fixate on the Copernicus. hmmmm. No hypothesis at this time. Unless he’s being possessed by Will.

“...then we still haven’t outgrown violence?”

extremely tragic, yes. 

“Take my advice and go back to the time you came from. The future isn’t what it used to be.”

G’Kar. I mean this with my whole chest: what the hell, dude?

It would be nice if they gave us a name for the Copernicus Survivor. And also very odd that G’Kar’s bizarre and unnerving greeting triggered a faint + nightmare/flashback.

Will was married to the Survivor!

Stephen leave her be. You literally just told her that her husband was murdered. I guess he and Janice must not have worked out?

Mr War PTSD should maybe hang out with Aunt Prophetess and learn to get a handle on his gift, since it doesn’t seem like humans have any sort of support structure of people who have visions.

OoooOOooo something did come off that ship! He should definitely hang out with Aunt Prophetess.

Mr War PTSD is called Amis, and he was the sole survivor of 47 soldiers stationed on a moon. Big trauma. And the Copernicus went through that moon’s gravity well! I am delighted to discover this is giving Garibaldi the totally organic opportunity to say “This Mariah Cirrus may not be what she appears.”

Nah, it’s definitely some critter that didn’t show up on the lifesign scans.

Is the Non-Aligned Worlds the same thing as the League?

“She has brought something evil from the past. A soldier of darkness. [...] They do not move openly, they work through others, use others. When the darkness was defeated long ago, they scattered. Hid themselves away in secret places and waited. [...] Evil sometimes wears a pleasant face.”

It’s fascinating seeing more species’ legends of the past darkness. Are they really non-corporeal? Immortal, if they scattered and are re-gathering? Whatever came along with the Copernicus seemed to have a.) stayed with the ship for a time and b.) certainly killed the alien physically.

The various mythos being phrased and framed very much like fairy tales but actually translating pretty accurately into real info about the Shadows is absolutely excellent. Oral histories are as accurate as written records!

Really like this Garibaldi/Amis team-up.

Awwww, Amis. guy.

This story of Garibaldi’s really really makes me think that Earth needs a Mystics, Lunatics, and Dreamers Support Hotline.

Amis: “It came in the night, during a storm. We heard nothing, saw nothing. It came right through the walls...like a hot wind. The first man died just meters from me - never even screamed. We ran... We ran. For a second I thought I’d lost it. Then I saw it. Standing in the middle of a ball of lightning. It looked like it had come straight from hell.” Garibaldi: “How did you survive?” Amis: “I didn’t! It kept me alive... as a snack. It becomes part of you, feeding on you. The ones who died were the lucky ones on that moon. What it took from me, I can never get back. When the rescue party showed up, I weighed 85 pounds. That’s how I knew it was on this station. A part of me is still inside that thing. I can feel it, but no one ever believed me. Until now.”

F U C K I N G  T E R R I F Y I N G

“After awhile all we had in common was the stars and dreams.”

Mariah honey that is not a good relationship. Even if it is pretty romantic.

The shadows are some kind of parasite. I’d say psychic, but Amis and Will both lost a lot of weight, so maybe it’s an intangible life force that takes calories to sustain.

I am vibing on this form of protectiveness from Franklin towards Mariah. “Medical supervision is necessary for psychic tracking of an untrackable, evil force.” immaculate vibes.

Also this thing is giving off Star Trek ToS Salt Vampire vibes.

Three unnamed security officers go forth...idk if any of them are going to survive, since the rest are named characters and all but Amis and Mariah are regulars.

I have many many theories as to what may give the Shadows their invisi/intangibility. And I’m extremely surprised that neither the unnamed security guards, Amis or Mariah died!

Hope some Earth agency gives Mariah 100 years of backpay and survivor benefits for Will. Living still costs a stupid amount of money in the b5 world, it seems.

The Shadow changed the Copernicus’s course to aim for the exact coordinates where G’Kar said the Enemy was gathering its forces! dun dun dun!!!! The real question is, how long would it have taken to get there? The Copernicus had no access to FTL. It took not much more than 10 yrs to get from the moon base to B5, so they were either less than 10 light years apart or something else odd was going on.

Furries beware: the Shadows are incorporeal, bipedal wolves. And they are NOT FRIENDLY.

Absolutely adding Mariah Cirrus to my list of minor characters I’d like to see again, and Amis to my list of mystics that I think should hang out together.

next episode

[sam-glade]

Hi, Sam! Happy STS! What is mental healthcare like in Days of Dusk? Not just do they have therapy, but how much if at all might someone with depression, mania, psychosis, etc be accommodated in daily life by those around them, and would that be an unofficial community thing or an official diagnostic thing? Is the view that people with mental health issues are cursed, sick, a blessing of some sort, or something else?

Happy (belated) STS, Moshke!

I admit I don't want to make general statements on page, and I'd rather treat it on case-by-case basis, which is consistent behind the scenes.

So here's the current thinking behind the scenes:

There's magical healing in setting, and I don't see a reason why there shouldn't be Crystals specialising in treating the mind, just as there are Crystals specialising in airborne diseases or physical injuries. Bear in mind that Crystals are hard to find, and Crystals channelling Light (responsible for mental health) are even rarer.

All Crystals have empathic sense which allows them to feel others' pain, distress, and in general emotions, to inform them how to help others (this is totally not twisted into something awful in TTT). Crystals of Light have this honed to the extreme, and can affect people's moods to an extent - help them relax and open up. A single session with them won't make the problem go away, but it's enhanced, more effective therapy.

But as I mentioned, Crystals of Light are few and far between.

The general level of knowledge is somewhat dire - we're just about popularising public education and giving people free access to primary schools! So I imagine the community's attitude being 'some people are like this' (depressed/anxious/manic/etc.), without much understanding. If the community is closely knit and nurturing, it will help, if not... There's the unfortunate mechanic that people live for as long as they have the will to, and I can imagine that long-term medical conditions (not just related to mental health) can whittle away the will to live, without support.

A concrete example here is Lissan's Dad, who has some early stage of dementia (plus a metaphysics-induced condition) at the beginning of Gifts of Fate. He's still a master of ceremonies and can perform rites like first shearings or weddings well enough, but when it comes to following them up in the registrar's office, Marta or Lissan have to accompany him, to make sure he doesn't list the wrong names for the records or something like that. It's not a secret, and nobody really questions why they're doing it. It certainly helps that (perhaps because of it) the siblings have the general attitude of 'doesn't matter why, but that's how things are, and we need to deal with them'.

In the second book, Lissan manages to find a Crystal of Light who can help his Dad, and it makes the old man more focused and switched on, but he's still fading away. He passes away between the second and third book, comfortably, of old age.

I also acknowledge that readers' attitudes to mental health issues (and also physical disabilities) portrayed in fiction through tropes are varied. My personal experience is with depression and anxiety, and this is where I'm coming from.

[transannabeth]

would you mind if i ask how you have the energy to do all you do? you stream games, do art, run and participate in zines, go to cons, podcast, and work irl??? (i think i may have missed a few there lol) where do you find the energy to learn all these things, and make time for for all these things? i can barely think at the end of the day, let alone learn new things lmao

i got this the other day while i was freaking out about deadlines which honestly makes it so funny. because one of those deadlines was a button that says 'no spoons' on it

so like a very important part of this answer is that i just started working full time, and before that, i was an online college student—even before the pandemic. i spent most of my college experience doing online schooling which genuinely left me a lot more time because i wasn't commuting or walking to class

my workload is shifting because i now work a 9-5(:30), but i have a hybrid job where i'm in-office one day a week. it's a long commute, but i only have to do it once

on top of THAT, i'm incredibly privileged to live at home with my parents, and they don't require me to pay bills or rent, so i can focus on student loans and personal bills / payments

those things have given me a LOT more free time than most people have. but you'll also notice that i post way less writing than i did in high school and my first year of college. that's because i don't have enough energy to keep that up

i procrastinate pretty hardcore, which all my friends will tell you, and i absolutely overwork and overload myself. i don't really "take breaks" from things, but when i do, i crash hard. (you'll sometimes see me talking about extreme fatigue and vertigo.. yeah....) i always need to be doing the most, which is how i ended up doing so many zines—if projects are at a slow point, i'll feel like i'm not doing enough and sign up for a ton of stuff to feel something and then have 8 deadlines at once and panic

(in that regard, i'm very lucky to have worked with many understanding teams that give me generous extensions)

and yet i STILL spend a lot of time lying around doing nothing, and struggling to get things done. i put off a lot of more important things sometimes (self-care, sleep, cleaning) to mostly do nothing

how do i get things done? deadlines stare me in the face and i panic

i am trying to get better about this, but the fact is i deal with a weird combination of needing so many things to be happening or i get even more depressed, but also relatively common fatigue that makes it a struggle to do anything so

i wish i had a better answer for you, but it's genuinely a struggle day to day to get things done and i've had to sacrifice other things i want to be doing so i can follow through on my other responsibilities (you'll notice i haven't talked a ton about original writing lately......)

most of my motivation is anxiety induced, even though these are things i really enjoy doing. the podcast and streaming are generally really nice because i am forced to slow down for a bit and get to hang out with friends. but you'll notice they're delayed in uploads and vods because i hate doing that part

this answer makes no sense because i don't know how i do it and i do not think i'm doing it well. but you're not alone in being unable to think, that's for sure

[metaphoricallylotus]

airing my grievances

| aug 1st, 2024

i am in hiding from everyone in my life.

my friends (because i've been so stressed lately and i tend to turn into a hermit to cope)

my parents (hiding my distain, disgust, and disappointment of them that i have (re)uncovered in therapy)

my grandma (i cannot stand her views on life and the fact that she ties my self-worth to my weight)

my uncles (where do i even start????)

my therapist (i was walking down the street today with my parents and i saw her walking her dog? i didn't say hi as i was in shock + i was with my parents and did not want to start an uncomfortable dialogue that i believe would go something like this: my mom would ask my therapist too many personal questions about themselves and that would be awkward as it is indicative of not respecting the therapists personal life (are you starting to realize that my mom does not understand social boundaries?). my dad would not know how to act in this situation and would generally act as charming as a rock. i would be stressed out from how my parents acted in front of my therapist and would start profusely sweating more than usual (mind you, it was 30 degrees celsius and the antidepressant that i am on makes me perspire excessively although i did have a sweating problem long before i was put on antidepressants). i would also turn more beet red than usual (combo of slight sunburn + dehydration as i am depressed and not drinking enough water to save my life!). if it were me alone, i would take a friendly but cautious attitude: say hi but keep it brief. not a "stop and chat" because we all know firsthand from larry david that the stop and chat SUCKS. the "hi" shows that i am considerate enough to say hi, that i care about them, and that i participate in "normal" social conventions. the briefness shows that i respect my therapists' privacy as i imagine that it would be awkward as a therapist for patients to find more about ones personal life (awkwardness due to patients acting more comfortable (and not in a good way, like asking questions about the therapists personal life more in detail which is problematic as the session should be focused on the patient, not the therapist) and keeping a good work-life balance (it is imperative to be able to wind down from work and one of the best ways to do this is to keep the two lives separate!)

my emotions (i have a lot of difficulty physically expressing my emotions, whether that be through uttering words or expressions such as crying. i was on public transport today and i felt so upset about the situation with my parents that i wanted to cry. but i just couldn't. it would be too awkward for me. i hate drawing attention to myself, especially if it is pity. the imagined scenario: i would cry on public transport. the asian aunties would throw a begrudging look my way. the local crackhead may come over and bother me. someone may call the transit police and think that i may be contemplating death (because yay rails! also i am aware how this part of the scenario is extremely unrealistic but i cannot think of this situation in any other manner.) i would receive a lot of stares and some may try to help bc the culture in my country is way too friendly at times. either way, crying on public transport creates a lot of anxiety inducing scenarios. but not being able to express my emotions also has consequences. it encourages my further descent into emotional suppression and by practicing this repeatedly, it becomes a habit. the problem is that i am trying to live true to myself. being open with my thoughts, my emotions. but i cannot shake my social inhibitions. i wish i could lose complete control of my social inhibitions. i feel truly free when it occurs. i have broken free of my constraints. however, order has to exist in my world. stability is needed. ahhhhhhh contradictions !!!!!!

my habits (in talking about losing my social inhibitions, i have found ways to achieve this. having a mental breakdown, panic attacks, drinking, taking edibles. all very unhealthy and i cannot believe that i have picked up those last two habits. if you told me three years ago that i picked up these habits, i would not have believed you. i don't know if my consumption has become a problem but i certainly feel guilty about taking this. but this could be a result of my catholic religious upbringing that i am desperately trying to break free of. either way, i am in conflict with myself. how i want to live comes into conflict significantly with my guilt.

anyways this was a lot but i felt so scared and overwhelmed today. money stresses me out. why does simply existing have to cost so much money? let alone getting an education so i can get a "proper" job in the future. not to mention my constant overwhelming anxiety about not being good enough as a student to deserve to attend the institution that i am attending. i feel so stupid while the world around me is so intelligent. is it self-delusion? stress? or am i as stupid as i think? at least i am somewhat self aware. but with self awareness comes consistent stress and inner conflicts.

one positive thing today: i am cherishing my string lights, music, and my "jazz club" maison margiela candle that i received as a birthday present (thought i would mention that it was a present since i was just complaining about the cost of living again)

songs that define today: me and mrs jones by billy paul, it's not the same anymore by rex orange county, evergreen by omar apollo, and illusione perfetta by piero piccioni.

talk to you tomorrow!

NEXT

| aug 2

| aug 7th