#which is highly strange considering I don't give a shit what other people do with their dogs

[doberbutts]

vilkasdaina replied to your post “Is your new puppy really healthy? She looks sickly and thin”

How is that puppy unhealthy looking?

The answer is that there are people who actively don’t like me or my blog or how I run my life and have nothing better to do than be inflammatory for no reason. Can’t stand to see me living my best life happy and unconcerned about what people I’ll never meet think of the choices I make.

[masterwords]

Hello, can I please have 10 from the meaningful prompts with Hotch and Morgan? How you manage to find the time to do all these great prompt fics is amazing 😅

The prompt: Whispering jokes/loving words in a lecture/school/church/a meeting. Trying not to laugh/flirt back in fear of disturbing everyone else who's trying to pay attention.

Prompts don't always call to me, but when I'm doing these big chapter stories I get all antsy and want to leave those worlds/need distractions and then I just devour prompts. I don't know why but I'm glad you guys indulge me. Thank you! <3

(1.9k words / On AO3 if you prefer / mostly deaf Hotch and Morgan and JJ at a lecture not exactly behaving themselves)

**

Hotch stretches his legs, one and then the other, straight in front of him. His left knee pops loudly, flooding him with a strange and instant relief in the once aching joint. He's been sitting in this chair for the better part of the day, give or take a break that wasn't much of a break because everyone wanted to talk to him. He's really starting to feel it creeping in his lower back.

These chairs needed replacing at least two decades ago (that's being generous), when the BAU was still the BSU and they were nicely situated in the far reaches of the basement, when no one gave a shit about them. These chairs needed replacing when people still used finger quotes to denote anything the BAU did. Oh, you created a “profile” huh? Fascinating. Now it's the hot button topic at the Bureau, and his team is expected to not only guest lecture but also sit through an absurd number of them so they can be useful to everyone everywhere, that's the idea anyway. He has other suspicions, but he keeps those to himself.

Well today, it's Andy Swann up there talking about the link between social media and trafficking, and he really does find it interesting...hell, he even helped her prepare some of it. Even knowing what she was going to talk about he took pages of notes during his first time through. He managed to find a few things of note the second time too things he'd missed in the first session. Aaron Hotchner would never be considered anything but an attentive student under most circumstances, but now he's on his third go around on this carousel, the last of the day, and he's more or less just supervising. Making sure everyone who was supposed to attend did, which he considers to be micromanaging and a task he loathes. He's a highly paid chaperon, and he's also completely done. His head is throbbing, and his back is killing him, not to mention that he hasn't had time to eat anything since he ate the last two bites of Jack's frosted mini wheats when the kid said he was too full to finish, and he has to pee because the four styrofoam cups of coffee he's sucked down have finally gone through him.

He reaches up and turns off his hearing aids. It's instant relief of the one complaint he has that he can control. Just like his knee popping only maybe better. The pressure in his head almost vanishes along with the sound.

He's been wearing hearing aids for nearly a year now. Sometimes only an hour or two, sometimes the whole day, it really just depends on what he's got to do. How attentive he has to be to what's going on around him. His hearing has been bad his entire life, or close enough anyway. He doesn't remember a time when he didn't struggle and his mother would tell you that he passed all of the hearing tests as a baby so she's not sure what happened. He could tell you, but he doesn't tell her because she wouldn't listen anyway. His dad's penchant for knocking him around on those nights when the whiskey went down easy like mountain spring water, bring those up to her and she'll give you her best I don't know what you're talking about smile and that's the end of her willingness to entertain the topic. In any case, he always figured it didn't really matter when it started because it was a bomb placed under his SUV in New York that did him in, and that made the topic easier for her to swallow too.

When his doctor looked him right in the eye and told him that his hearing wasn't likely to improve after his continued exposure to sudden loud noises, he was able to take it with a grain of salt.

“Will it get worse?” was all he could think to ask, and her solemn features as she considered her words carefully told him more than anything she actually said.

“The hearing loss is irreversible, Agent Hotchner, but if we're careful, we can mitigate further damage. The right ear is worse than the left. Wearing hearing devices will help.”

He knew everyone expected him to be upset, to take it the way he took everything else. Derek had watched him rip an IV out of his hand and sign himself out AMA while his ears were still bleeding after that bomb...that he was now so willing to accept this was nothing short of a miracle. But they don't know that he's been reading lips since middle school with an intensity that gave people pause. Practicing, maybe, but some part of him knew that it was an eventuality and Hotch never liked to be blindsided. He likes to be ahead of things.

By high school he was better at reading lips than he was at making or maintaining eye contact. Learning ASL from one of the school librarians had been a hobby for a while, something he thought he might need but maybe not...better to be prepared. Plus she was nice, and if he was there then he didn't have to be at home. She knew his concerns, and she argued that if he knew it then he could teach other people when the time came. And if it never did? Well, being fluent in another language is never a bad thing.

He's been working with Jack now for a few months, the kid is picking it up quickly. Jessica (for reasons she's purposely evasive about) already speaks ASL very well, she's helping with Jack. And Derek says he wants to do it by himself. (Except it's he and Garcia and a computer, squirreled away in his office late at night with a bowl of popcorn and sodas and their talking hands.) He tries not to think too hard about that one, it'll make him cry.

He knows the rest of them are learning, too. JJ has been signing with Henry since he was a baby, it was a natural thing for her to continue. But, again, the whole crying thing...he doesn't ask. They're all adapting, and anyway, he has his hearing aids, so they don't need to worry too much. It's only when they surprise him in the office, when he's turned them off or taken them out for some peace because the way they amplify the sound makes his head hurt if he wears them too long.

So, really, the fact that he's uncomfortable and a little distracted is easy to understand. That he's turned his hearing devices off in the middle of a lecture is probably considered rude, but he'll apologize to Andy later, she'll understand. She signed as the witness at his wedding to Haley, their friendship is a long and winding road. It's not likely that she'll hold it against him. She'll probably ask him why he didn't do it sooner.

He's hovering in this serene, nearly silent world when JJ uses her pen to tap him on the knee and gives him a knowing glance. He raises one eyebrow, and his eyes flick down to her hands. She signs quickly to him that Derek is trying to get his attention from the end of the row. They're exactly thirteen seats apart, might as well be separate planets. Derek has been working with a new group of recruits at the Academy all week, this is the first time they've seen each other in at least that long. He nods and silently thanks her before turning his eyes to Derek. He can barely mask his relief, or whatever that huge feeling in his chest is that he feels just knowing Derek is around.

But then Derek lowers his hands just out of sight of anyone who might be casually watching and signs something to Hotch. Something lewd (why not just hello?) and Hotch turns away quickly, forces his attention back to Andy on the stage. He pretends to try and read her lips and Derek knows he got to him. He's smiling and he's definitely blushing. He knows that it's a problem that Derek and Penelope are learning together, because they're not just learning the basics, they're not just becoming conversational, they're figuring out how to flirt. They're learning the inappropriate things that they will both eventually teach Jack. Hotch's stomach twists and he nervously reaches up to adjust the lay of his tie.

Twice.

Just to keep his hands busy, because he wants to sign something back at Derek, but he won't. He won't because someone would surely see him.

JJ taps him again. She looks exasperated, her eyes are wide and she's missing the lecture, but she flicks her pen in Derek's direction and Hotch watches as he flirts a little more appropriately this time. At least Hotch thinks he's flirting, he's still pretty rusty and he makes the sign for hot while waggling his eyebrows. It's not exactly correct, but Hotch understands what he means, and he can feel a warm prickly flush spreading like wildfire through dry underbrush beneath his collar.

He adjusts the lay of his tie again. As if it's moved.

When JJ taps him a third time, he wants to tell her to stop. If they just don't give Derek attention, he'll turn his attention to Andy and be done with it, they're just fueling his fire by giving him an audence. The thing is, he kind of doesn't want it to stop though. He looks up and Derek is asking him if he wants to get a drink later. His sign for hot had been so clunky, but this is crystal clear. He's been practicing.

Hotch can't help what he does next, he really can't. He looks at Andy at the front of the room, she's using her pointer and showing some statistic on the power point. Quickly he turns back to Derek and smiles, dragging his forefinger slowly from his chin down to his collar bone with a wink. I'm thirsty, he says, his finger pointing to his own chest.

This makes Derek laugh out loud, the absolute asshole.

Hotch has been keeping a straight face the whole time but Derek can't handle one cheeky reply? Hotch turns toward Andy and frowns when he notices her stop, glance at him first, and then at Derek. He turns his hearing aid back on, just the left one, because he's good at reading lips but he might need to be on higher alert for this one.

“Agent Morgan?” Andy's voice is cool and calm, but she's looking directly at Derek with those piercing eyes that make her so damn scary. Hotch's veins run with ice; Derek doesn't seem the least bit bothered. Hotch can't look at Derek any longer, so he turns his attention to his paper, mortified. “Would you care to share with everyone what's so funny?”

Derek clears his throat and smiles with that infuriating calm he has because he's so damn self-confident that things just don't rattle him. Even when they absolutely should. (And for a long time, Hotch thought it was just an act, was sure he could get under his skin but now he's glad for it. He leans on it, leans into it.)

“Nothing, ma'am. I apologize. I was just asking Agent Hotchner if he wanted to get coffee after the lecture.”

She shoots Hotch a dangerous glare, one that says he owes her big time for not making him repeat exactly what his response has been because she saw everything. Everything, her eyes say. And she won't be letting him forget it any time soon.

“You'll buy me a coffee too, for interrupting my lecture, Agent Morgan.”

“Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry again.”

“And a muffin. Apple cinnamon.”

“Whatever you want, Agent Swann.”

[ask-an-aussie]

Aussie Wildlife FAQ

So here's questions I'm frequently asked as both a wildlife rescuer and carer and keeper at a wildlife sanctuary. Heads up, this is a long post, I've made the questions stick out so you can easily skip through. I've tried to make it as easy to read as possible, and to find what you're after, whilst also providing lots of info.

Poison Vs Venom, what's the difference?

Well, mostly, poison just never stops killing. Like if you poison an insect, then a bird or small mammal eats that insect and they slowly get poisoned by all the poisoned insects they eat, then something eats them, like an owl, and that gets poisoned, then as it rots the poison goes into the environment, etc. Poison never dies. Venom has to be injected, so yes you can be envenomated by a dead animal, if you are stupid. Poison can be inhaled, eaten/drunk or even through touch. So if a cow is poisoned you have to dispose of the body safely, if a cow is bitten by a venomous snake, technically you can still have steak for dinner.

Are all Australian animals out to kill you?

Maybe.

They could want to kill us, I mean as a species we aren't that great. Their ability to kill us however is limited. So are all Aussie animals able to kill you? No. So we have lots of cute small mammals, like antechinus, dunnarts, pygmy possums and the like, that can bite and scratch but are very tiny bois. We even have lots of non-venomous snakes, pythons and blind snakes. Most lizards outside of Goannas can't cause too much damage. Echidna's are completely defensive, have no attack whatsoever. Lots of birds have no interest in you, unless you get near their nest. Freshwater Turtles, Little Penguins and Tawny Frogmouths all main defense is shitting really stinky shit at you. Even our venomous snakes, as long as you seek medical attention you should be fine. Considering we have the top 10 most venomous snakes in the world but average only 1 death a year that's pretty good.

But you still have lots of dangerous animals right?

Yes.

Maybe I should elaborate. Any animal is dangerous, including you, if given the right circumstances. I'm a lovely person but hurt my dog and you better run. Most animals don't want a bar of you. However, if you are a threat to them, or their babies, they will defend themselves. A lot of animals get tagged with the word 'aggressive' which I don't like, aggression is a human emotion that I've never seen in wild animals, or even pets and things. Mostly it's defensive behaviours that people read wrong. For example, the most venomous snake in the world is the Inland Taipan (found in Aust.), however the most dangerous snake in Australia is the Eastern Brown snake, less venomous but also less shy and lives in suburbia. Still, it only ever strikes at people when it feels cornered and needs to get you to back the hell off. And lets be real here, what else can they do? They can't yell and scream, they can't punch or kick. Legit their only option is to bite, and even then mostly it's a closed mouth strike to freak you out into stepping back, and most people bitten by snakes are given a 'dry bite' where no venom is injected, as they want to use it on their food not waste it on us. And 90% of snake bites that happen in Australia are people either trying to catch or kill a snake.

It's fairly simple. Don't threaten animals, don't give them a reason to be dangerous and you are fine. Crocodiles in the water? Don't swim there. Sharks around? Avoid swimming at twilight. Snake? Leave it alone. Nest with baby birds? walk away. You don't randomly show up in some strangers home and expect them not to react, so why do we expect different from animals?

What animals are on the most 'dangerous list' then? Which animals should I really avoid pissing off?

Start with the obvious. Crocodiles, venomous snakes, sharks, some jellyfish, venomous spiders, stone fish, blue ringed octopus, birds of prey (our Wedge Tailed Eagle WILL attack drones, hang-gliders and helicopters if they come into their territory) Then you've got the less obvious. Ants - like meat ants, they will swarm over you then all bite down at once. 1 bite isn't so bad, a whole colony biting you, deadly. Then there's other ants in the Myrmecia family (bull ants and the like) that are just HUGE, and have massive mandables for biting and also can sting you, and are one of the most toxic insects in the world.

Wombats - Can run at 40km/hr, skull so hard it's the only thing a Tassie Devil can't eat, able to bite your calf muscle clean off your leg, oh and they have killer booty. A hard cartilage plate in their lower back that they use to block their burrows, and if threatened can lay down and as the animal tries to get past jam their legs straight and crush the skull of a fox against the roof of their burrow, easily break a dingoes jaw or even destroy your hand.

Kangaroos - yes they box, hahaha wouldn't it be funny to box with a kangaroo. NO. Kangroos box for fun but also to defend themselves and their mob. The Alpha male is the big buff one that looks like he's on steroids. He looks like that for a reason, to defend and protect his mob. DO NOT MESS WITH ANY KANGAROOs, but really don't mess with Big Daddy (for being the alpha he gets all the ladies) Kangaroos are made for this. A punch from a Kangaroo can easily break you ribs. They can lean back on their tail and bring both legs up to kick you, easily tearing you open, which they can do with the claws on their toes, and so basically dissecting you from sternum down. Oh and if they gran you round the neck for a 'Cuddle' DUCK AND RUN. They will hold you in a kind of choke hold and then bring their legs up to kick you and basically snap you in half. Don't even mess with Wallabies man, they may be smaller but can still do damage.

Tassie Devils - are extremely shy and slower than you, like you can actually run away from them. BUT. They have the strongest bite strength compared to size of any animal. The have a PSI of 1200 and males weigh around 8 kg. For perspective, Hyenas have a PSI of 1100 and males weigh around 50kg

Brushtail Possums - They may be cuter than the American Opossums but trust me, they don't want you around. They are solitary so most people have heard them fighting of a night, screeching, shrieking, hissing, growling and making darth vadar noises. Heads up from someone who has had to rescue them from awkward places (fire-places, BBQs, closets) They are stronger than you and they will f*** you up. Even without them meaning to I've gotten injuries from my joey Brushies, they get so keen on their milk when you put it in that they climb your arm and their claws are sharper than cats. Also the sheer strength of them. I'm stronger than I look but if they are clinging on to a tree you are gonna need all your strength to get them off. The can also bite your finger clean off. And I've seen injuries from people who feed wild ones and for some reason have been late to put out the food or something and they've climbed their leg or even jumped on them - stitches were required in a few of those cases (human skin is not thick like tree bark)

What's with Magpies and swooping?

Simple, they have nests/babies and are protecting them. Australia Magpies are very smart and can recognise faces. If they think you are a threat they will try and scare you off. Just like if you're walking along with your toddler and there's a weirdo doing something strange you hold the kid tighter and closer to you and move through faster. But these guys can't just move their nests or their babies. The spot is chosen based on food availability and shelter from sun and rain, but also not being too cold. It's their spot. I've never been swooped by Magpies, other birds yes, but not Magpies. My local birds know me as the lady that cleans and fills the bird bath. Legit the Magpies sing a specific song when it needs filling to call me out to do it. So don't be a threat. If they are swooping in that area, try to avoid it or go through quickly. We used to have Plovers at my school, in the bush at the end of the oval. Never a problem. One day some kids go into the bush and stomp on their nest and eggs. After that they would swoop anyone who came close to there. So the school blocked off that end of the oval. Fair call. Wasn't the birds fault.

Why is everything named so basic?

Oh you mean the snake that's black with a red belly being balled a Red Belly Black Snake, and the tree with all the doodles on it being called a Scribbly Gum? 80% of plants and animals found in Australia are found NO WHERE ELSE. So the early Europeans had a lot of things to name and when they tried naming it themselves they would get it wrong. 2 good examples are: The Death Adder (only considered highly venomous, not deadly, and not an Adder). Also you're only likely to get bitten if you stand on it or try to pick it up. The Australian Magpie, they saw a black and white bird so it must be a magpie. Nope. Actually not in the corvidae family but in the butcherbird family - Artamidae. So their solution was to either take the Aboriginal word, for example, Quoll, Kookaburra, Koala, Quokka, Taipan. Or name it after what it looks like/sounds like/ is found Boobook Owl - makes a sound like booooo-book Squirrel Glider Eastern Water Dragon Grey Headed Flying Fox Flaky Bark Tea Tree Old man Banksia This can cause confusion though as not every brown coloured snake is a brown snake, and not all Eastern brown snakes are brown. Squirrel Gliders aren't related to squirrels. Flying foxes are bats not actual foxes that fly.

What do I do if I find injured wildlife?

Well, depends on the wildlife and where it is. If it's in a dangerous position, like the middle of a highway, don't try anything. First thing, call a wildlife rescue group, there are plenty around and they have trained people who know what to do. A quick google search should show you all you need to know, also the IFAW's Wildlife Rescue App will identify the closest group to you.

If it's a snake, adult wombat or kangaroo, or any other animal that can cause you serious injury, leave it be. The wildlife rescuers you call can give you basic info on how to help but mostly calling them is the main thing.

If it's something smaller, like a young animal or glider or baby bird and you are able to put it into a cardboard box that will be perfect. The 3 main things injured/ill wildlife need are warmth, dark and quiet. You don't need to worry about food or water. The rescuers will organise that. If you give food or water to an animal in shock you can cause more damage.

THE BEST THING IS TO DO NOTHING. I know this sounds stupid. But so many problems can occur from people who don't know what they are doing helping out. You know what they say about good intentions. For example, picking up a Koala like you would pick up a human child (under the armpits, around the chest) you could actually break their ribs. Also so many Koalas end up needing vet care during heat waves because people pour water into their mouths - they can get pneumonia as the water goes in too fast, it is not a natural way for them to drink. You can also get yourself injured or make the animals injuries worse. I have seen Kangaroos with broken legs get up and try to hop away from people. I have seen severe scratches on other people because they tried to pick up an animal.

What diseases can wildlife give me?

Well. I only know about Australian wildlife, and it's very different to other parts of the world. If you get a bad bite or scratch from wildlife you should see your doctor ASAP, get the wound cleaned properly and make sure your tetanus is up to date (same as if a pet gives you a bad bite or scratch).

There aren't that many Zoonosis that are around in Australia that are easy to catch. Mostly you have to be dealing directly with sick wildlife to get them.

The main thing is Australian Bat Lyssavirus. ABL for short. Now our bats can carry it. About 1 in 1000 bats may have it and you HAVE to be bitten or scratched for it to be transmitted to you. If you are bitten or scratched by a bat your chance is 0.1% of getting ABL but it is related to Rabies, so head straight to hospital for treatment. If you don't touch a bat you won't get bitten or scratched and so your chance of getting it is 0. Hendra is the other virus our bats carry, however it has to go through a horse before it mutates enough for humans to get it.

Basically it's only when you get involved with wildlife that your risk of getting a disease from them is higher than VERY unlikely. If you happen to help some wildlife, and you maybe wrap them in a towel or jumper, even if they urinate on it. You can just chuck it in the wash (I usually add a little extra disinfectant) and it will be fine. Treat it the same as if a pet had used it or urinated on it.

What's some Good Wildlife Apps to have?

Well, there's so many out there now hey? Here's some that I've found handy or know people that use. WomSAT EchidnaCSI PlatypusSPOT are all for recording sightings of these animals (wombats/echidnas/platypus) this helps researches track where they are and how they are going which means we can help them more as well. OzAtlas - record a sighting of anything Australian, animal, plant, fungus, insect. FrogID - need to identify a frog? This is the app for you. Use photos or sound recordings, Field Guide to *insert state/territory* Fauna - Have a field guide on you wherever you are without having to carry a book. Seek by inaturalist - Helps you identify any animals, plants, insect, fungus. IFAW Wildlife Rescue - wildlife rescue app (currently for NSW only but soon expanding) will give you advice on what to do and put you into contact with the local wildlife rescue groups.

Besides Cats and Foxes, what other invasive species have you got that cause problems?

First up, any invasive species causes a problem. In Tasmania they have issues with Sugar Gliders, because they are not naturally found there and use up tree hollows that other animals need. Invasive species cause competition for food, water and shelter. They can also bring in diseases that didn't exist in Australia before and that our natives have no defence against (like cats and Toxoplasmosis) Here's a quick list of invasive animal species in Australia. Cats, dogs, foxes, pigs, water buffalo, ferrets rabbits, horses/brumbies, goats, camels, Cane Toad, European Honey Bee, Common Myna bird, deer, donkey, common starling, common pigeon, black rat, brown rat.

There's more, there's reptiles, and weeds and fish but those guys ^ are the main ones that cause problems.

I am an animal lover but unless we get rid of these animals you loose more in the long run. I'm 100% against use of poisons, I prefer having people hunt them to be honest. If you know what you are doing and have the right equipment you can give them a quick, painless death. To give you an idea how bad invasives are:

The introduction of the rabbit is the main cause the Lesser Bilby became extinct.

The introduction of cats and toxoplasmosis is believed to be the main reason Eastern Quolls became extinct on mainland Australia

Rats led directly to the extinction of 5 of Lord Howe Island's bird species

30% of our land snakes and Goannas are at risk as Cane Toads are rapidly spreading and eat their eggs.

The Common Myna Bird is the 2nd greatest threat to Australian native birds (habitat loss being the 1st)

The fox population has been estimated at 72 million and consume around 190 million birds a year

There's an estimated 23 million wild pigs/boars and an estimated 2.6 million goats - all eating whatever they come across.

How can I help Australian Wildlife?

There's the stuff we already know, like reduce/reuse/recycle and don't litter. But there's other things you may not know about.

Turn off lights at night - any lights that you don't need, don't have them on, especially if they are outside. Lots of animals require insects in their diets, particularly moths, which can be distracted by lights. Zoos Victoria have launched educational stuff for this https://youtu.be/ZAcL4FKPtHw

Learn about them - It's not hard, there's multiple ways you can do it. There's books, tv shows, pod casts, you can follow sanctuaries and other people who work with wildlife on social media. Planting flora that's native to your area is great as different plants can attract different animals and it's much lower maintenance, being made for that environment. You can even find cool life-hacks like Lemon Scented Tea-Tree doesn't just smell amazing and feed lots of wildlife, it keeps the mozzies away! There's different kinds of nesting boxes out there specific to different species that you can put up to help 'foster' that species. You can even become friends with your local Magpies! Mine know me as the lady who cleans and fills the bird bath and all I had to do was whistle to them when I was done and now they are really chill around me and I get to watch their antics. Debunk Myths! - In learning about wildlife you can debunk lots of myths like: a mother bird won't take it's chick back if you've touched it (fake news!) or that snakes dislocate their jaw to swallow their prey (that would be soooo painful!)

Put out water - have a bird bath and keep it clean and full. Or if you don't have one or want to get one just put water out on hot days. Summer's getting hotter and hotter and our animals really suffer. So put out a nice pot or container of water. Don't forget to put a rock or a stick in it if it's a slippery surface (like plastic or metal) so that little animals and bugs don't fall in and drown, and keep it out of the sun if it's likely to heat up.

Check roadkill - it's not pleasant but needs to be done. Don't do it if it's a motorway or somewhere dangerous, but if you can PLEASE do. Roadkill sometimes looks dead but isn't and you don't want them laying there suffering. They may have pouch young if they are a marsupial or young nearby that will need care without their parent. And where possible get it off the road. Species like Tasmanian Devils, Goannas and Wedge Tailed Eagles feed on roadkill and can then end up as roadkill themselves. Even if you have to drag it, it's dead and not gonna feel any more pain. 100% of people I have attended a rescue for who have called because they stopped and found a joey or young in a pouch or hiding nearby have not regretted their decision at all. Even if they were late for work, they saved a life and it was worth it.

Avoid using poisons - insecticides, pesticides, snail bait and straight up rat poison. Like mentioned in POISON VS VENOM, it just keeps killing. There are so many other options out there and they aren't hard to find. There's stuff on the internet but also at Bunnings I've found more environmentally sound options that use Tea Tree oils and Eucalyptus instead and work just as well.

Don't feed them! - Most Aussie animals are gluten and lactose intolerant. BREAD IS REALLY BAD! and if not eaten it gets mouldy and causes disease. Putting out bird seed is the number 1 problem when we talk 'feeding wildlife'. WHY?

The 'wild birdseed' that you buy in shops isn't actually for wild birds. JUST LOOK AT IT, you don't see those seeds growing out in the wild. The main seed wild birds eat are Bottle-brush, She-oaks, Banksias, Wattle and Eucalypts. None of those are found in these bags of seed.

Even for seed eaters that seed you buy is too fatty and unbalanced

For those that don't usually eat seed, like Lorikeets, eating the seed destroys the specialised bristles on their tongues that they need to eat their natural food - nectar and pollen.

If you don't keep it clean you will spread diseases, especially psittacosis (beak and feather) for which there is no cure just a slow, drawn out death. You can also catch it and end up in hospital.

You cause an imbalance. Animals breed based on food availability, if you make food available they will breed but there might not be enough space or trees available and you create more competition and also they end up relying on you and if you go on holiday or anything they can die without that food.

You can cause health issues in other animals. Possums love bird seed but it makes them fat, making it harder for them to escape predators.

You will be feeding non-natives. For example, the Common Myna bird cannot survive on wild plants, but if there is a food source around they can. Got rid of Common Mynas in my neighbourhood by convincing my neighbours to stop putting out bird seed.

RATS LOVE BIRD SEED. Specially feral rats. Mice also love bird seed.

You make a predator hot-spot. It won't take long for predators to realised animals they prey on visit your feeding station and they will come. The most common predator I find around bird seed? Snakes. Snakes love rats and mice, rats and mice love bird seed. You do the maths.

If you want to feed them just do some research and plant trees that are food for them.

How many species are endangered?

Sadly, it's almost quicker to list what's NOT endangered in Australia.

That's hard to say as there is different ways they can be endangered. In one area they may be common, but in another they could be disappearing. You can have Endangered lists at different levels; local, state, national and international.

But the most used list is the International Union for Conservation of Nature’s Red List of Threatened Species has evolved to become the world’s most comprehensive information source on the global extinction risk status of animal, fungus and plant species. AKA the IUNC Red List

Here's a bit of a breakdown: EXTINCT 26 mammals 7 birds 4 amphibians CRITICALLY ENDANGERED 7 mammals 8 birds 15 amphibians 13 reptiles ENDANGERED 18 mammals 29 birds 18 amphibians 21 Reptiles VULNERABLE 51 mammals 40 birds 23 amphibians 35 reptiles NEAR THREATENED 43 mammals 37 birds 9 amphibians 21 reptiles

Then there's the "data deficient" category where they really just don't have the info. 10 mammals 11 amphibians 42 reptiles

I will continue to update this post as I think of other things. Feel free to send me any questions you have

[r0zez-in-bl00m]

~ 𝓒𝓻𝓾𝓮𝓵 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓭 ~

Looking more like a boy

🍎 Epel x fem!reader (fluff) WORD COUNT : : 1.5k

Description- Epel loves his beloved very much, even though they look more manly than him. But what happens when he tries to become more manly himself?

Epel loved (y/n) more than anything he ever had loved before, not only him but his lover knew that too. The whole Pomefiore dorm did, Vil was very happy to see them together though he would comment on one flaw every time this topic was brought up in his presence.

 Only one thing's wrong in their wild relationship, is the perplexity of finding out which one of them is a boy or a girl. God, (y/n) always had to assure him that not to get so overboard on these pathetic matters, but that guy wouldn't have it. Epel gets so angry when someone confuses him with a girl while he's somewhat embarrassed that his girlfriend was so strongly built.

 Even Mr. Vargas sometimes gave an example of her to teach the students to build muscles, Vargas rarely compliments someone else other than his egocentric self on the concept of muscles. But (y/n) begs to differ on that matter. "Mr. Vargas is more female following, I guess." 

 Insecurity is highly available in the love market. Epel dragged, literally dragged, away (y/n) when some delinquent/ jock randomly flipped his arm on her during Magift practice. Be prepared for a long lecture in a very cute voice by the little apple, pun intended. Expecting a change in accent when he started talking was crucial. 

 "Why?! Out of all people . . ." "Ain't I enough for ya?! You don't like me because I ain't muscular?"

 Then there were coddling moments, (y/n) crushed Epel into a hug," God, my idiot boyfriend . . . if I liked muscular guys would I go out with you in the first place?"

 The girl teased him a lot though for his switch in accent. "You sound like a little lion sometimes. . . Kingscholar would be jealous." The apple boy blushed a lot with (y/n) whispering in his ear or touching his face.

 To match her girlfriend in every way Epel tries a little too much than expected.

 One day while experimenting in the laboratory along with Jack Howl for their assessment Epel was multi-tasking with another book hidden under his desk and reading the book which was based on magical pharmaceuticals for the second-year level.

 By chance, Jack spotted the book and scolded him for cheating. Immediately Epel got a switch in his persona and was bomb-barding over the 192cm wolf with his southern comments while spilling his beans at the moment. 

 "You're trying to make a potion that will make you more muscular?" Jack muttered in disbelief, he couldn't fathom at first that why would a cute Pomefiore require such a potion in the first place.

 Epel, being Epel, switched to his regular façade in an instant and was stammering like mad as a hatter. "Oh, !-! I-it's just . . . so t-that I can look a b-bit . . . more masculine... f-for her." It wasn't hidden from anyone that (y/n) (l/n) and Epel were dating but Jack never expected him to go this far to read and understand a high-level medicine book. Jack merely scratched his head, confused about what to say next, "I think Vil-Senpai once told me that taking a body development potion can cause a lot of strain to the body as well as the mind. . ." Epel had his head down, pressed against the desk, "I know that! It's just it's kinda weird that (y/n) looks more like a man than me." 

 Feeling like a good puppy that Jack is he decided to help Epel with the potion considering that it was of vast complexity (and we know that our Tsundere puppy would never admit that he is doing this by heart lol).

    All afternoon Jack and Epel spent their time researching and putting all sorts of herbs and potions into the cauldron. "Epel, focus closely on how the color changes. We don't want to create trouble for ourselves." Jack instructed while putting another herb as designated in the book. Epel nodded," Understood."

 Slowly the color started to fade into a vicious color of red, thick and rich. Jack and Epel both peered down to take a closer look. As the book said it would be welcoming at first glance yet the trick of the potion was to figure out which part was truthful. It hadn't yet been figured out that when was it best to consume the potion. Many theories were concocted for its usage; 'drink it when it turns out a bit bluish', 'it'll smell like rotten eggs at first,' 'don't drink if it's still milk-white,' such and such. 

 "How will we figure out that the potion is drinkable yet-"Jack said, he turned his head only to be at the verge of losing it. Epel was already gorging on the drink, the liquid falling on the floor at each gulp. "E-Epel?! What are you d-doing?" But by then it was already too late. 

 The potion was all gone and all was left was to see if their hard work bore any fruit. Laughter broke out a minute later. "Jack!! I can feel the power surging in me . . . . God, it's amazing!" Jack was baffled, then knowing that everything was alright smirked a little at their success. But then something struck him, Isn't potion supposed to make him taller? Then why is he shrinking... 

 His realization was as late as ever. A poof of purple smoke surrounded Epel and within the blink of an eye . . . vóila! The apple had turned into a cat; A pretty cute one to be exact.

 His eyes were big with their same blue irises and were staring adoringly/in confusion at Jack. "Meow?" Jack took it as 'what the hell happened?' As much as he wanted to lecture Epel the Cat, he couldn't. Stan cuteness.

 Jack cursed the time he decided to be a good puppy and help Epel out, now he was in big trouble than anyone could anticipate. The terrifying image of (y/n) wrathful face started to haunt him, he was sure that Epel had the same thoughts. With swift arms Epel was under Jack's protection, they both headed towards the hall of mirrors to the Pomefiore dorm.

 But but but . . . the goddess of fate had taken a little vacation. In their hurried state they were spotted by the person they both least wanted to see right now.

 "Hey, Jack!!!" 

 "Goddamn it!!" Jack muttered angrily, this couldn't have been the worst time to be killed right now. (y/n) approached him at an unprecedented speed Jack could've reciprocated. He was done for. "What up bro—oh who's this?" (y/n) gazed at Epel with the same affection she would give him when he, you know, is not busy as a cat.

 The girl patted the cat's head, "Is this your pet, Jack?" (y/n) asked. His face flushed red at that question alone, so did Epel's, but in this case, it was his snout. "Uh . . . no . . . (y/n). It's not my pet. . ." Jack stammered, and hard. That day was no good for him. "It's not yours? Then maybe Ruggie's? I've seen him quite getting along with Lucius," the never-ending string of cat-related questions continued with Jack stammering like a fool and Epel losing his shit.

 Finally, in anger, he leaped in (y/n)'s arms. The girl was taken back a bit but materialized because of Epel's soft purring. "It's strange. . . Epel does the same when he's having a rough time. Burying his face in my arms then falling asleep," (y/n) laughed. "Which reminds me . . . have you seen him anywhere?"

 Be prepared to see a dying Jack any minute. 

 A guy, then, approached the group in a hurry, "(y/n)! Vice prez of Octavinelle is looking for you." 

While being dragged away (y/n) called out to tell her if he gets to know anything about Epel do let her know. God bless the anonymous dude who unintentionally saved Jack Howl from being slaughtered. Epel looked relieved too, that and a little triumphant purr.

 Then their venture towards Pomefiore continued. Upon reaching everyone in that glittering dorm showered Epel the Cat with love which was already less required but was, later on, were saved by Vil Schoenheit.

 Jack ushered Vil into a corner with Epel still secured in his arms and narrated the story from top to bottom.

 "YOU WHAT?!" Nobody could understand why their simply composed dorm leader lost his cool all of a sudden.

 Vil already made plans to clear out his afternoon to lecture Jack and Epel thoroughly tomorrow for causing this blunder, but Epel Felmier had to be saved. That night Jack again spent his entire time looking through the potions book with Vil brewing the antidote. Never in his life, Jack went through so much Alchemy and he swore that whatever happened next he wouldn't touch a single Alchemy book (unless it's a test then we can't sue the wolf).

 But one thing was final that he was going to do something lurid to Epel as soon as he gets back to normal, or he isn't Savnnaclaw.

 ---------------------------------------

[thebluelemontree]

At what moment do you consider Sandor fell in love with Sansa? (or care for romantically, if you don't think he fell in love). Do you think he realizes he feels something other than lust for her or is he still oblivious to his feelings? I thought about this a few days ago and its been bothering me for some time...

Yes, he knows it’s more than just lust, but it’s complicated.  Let me start with the physical attraction part.  I don’t think there is any evidence before their encounter on the serpentine steps that Sandor is physically attracted to Sansa.  That’s the moment that he blurts out in his drunken, uninhibited state that he’s just noticed she has a more womanly figure; however, he quickly reminds himself that no, she’s still a little bird no matter what she looks like.  Before that, he’s only ever treated her like the kid she is, whether he’s arguing with her or trying to protect her.  For a man with as many issues as Sandor has, physical attraction is the easiest feeling to understand and identify.  That doesn’t make it something he’s comfortable with.  He definitely feels guilt and embarrassment over it, and even tries to suppress it.  The milk is already spilled though.  His physical attraction is now enmeshed with his desire to maintain intimacy and to protect her.  Caring for a kindred spirit now becomes more amorous, which can be the natural progression of things when two people have chemistry.  Something flips a switch, and they suddenly look different than they did before.  

Sandor isn’t oblivious to his feelings.  What he has are a lot of emotions that are muddled together and in direct conflict with one another, causing him great consternation; furthermore, his prior experience with love of any kind is scant to none.  He was betrayed by his father at a young age and lived under constant terror from his brother.  His only other example of familial “love” is the Lannisters. :P  He’s been conditioned to think of himself as a dog that should only be content with what his masters see fit to give him.  He has a major facial disfigurement that elicits disgust and fear within a prejudiced society.  He’s abrasive and emotionally immature, which alienates him more from others.  He’s never been treated like a human being with feelings until Sansa, at least as far as we can see.  Just having one genuine human connection with someone that took his side and didn’t betray his secret is enough to make this the most important relationship in Sandor’s life, and despite everything against that, he wants to keep it going.    

But what is this relationship?  Both have trouble putting a name to this thing between them.  Sansa is too young, still going about her maturation at her own pace, and not close to being ready to make room romantically for someone like Sandor.  For Sandor’s part, there’s added struggles.  There’s the issue of class disparity.  She outranks him by a country mile, and she’s the betrothed of the king, something that I think overshadows them in their society more than the age issue.  Even though there are a mutual interest and secret allyship, they would not call this a friendship.  Even the chaste intimacy they have is already crossing boundaries of familiarity.  They’re always dancing around it by calling each other anything but their first names.  This is simply not a thing that is done, but in each other, they find the needed space to air what they really think and feel.  He’s also caught between her and being Lannister servant, the consequences of which will tear him apart.  

On an interpersonal level, she frustrates him with her continued insistence on the ideals of the songs being worth sticking to no matter how sideways the world goes.  Her demonstrating that idealism in practice forces him to examine his own worldview and inspires gradual changes in him, but also makes him want to double down on his cynicism and prove her wrong.  Then there’s also anger at himself for caring about another person at all.  Anger at her for making him feel all these strange and complicated things.  Anger and self-loathing for that part of him that wants more from her.  Anger and self-loathing for not being a better man and protector for her due to his PTSD, his alcohol abuse, his fear and weaknesses, and his inability to express himself in a healthy way.    

From a reader’s perspective, Sandor demonstrates the building blocks of romantic love before he can even understand what is driving his actions.  He definitely possesses qualities like passion, fidelity, commitment, and a willingness to be vulnerable with her (albeit grudgingly).  The relationship is meaningful enough for him to be willing to make sacrifices and take risks for her.  He’ll lie to his masters and put himself in harm’s way to protect her.  I think that it is fair to say that Sandor is definitely in love with Sansa by the time of the Blackwater if we’re strictly going by those signs; however, offering to protect her and kill anyone that tries to hurt her is as close as Sandor can come to articulating what his feelings are.  He misguidedly expresses what he would do for her in violent and negative terms:  lying, dying, and killing.  It’s the language he is accustomed to and understands best at that point.  His emotional immaturity and neediness also have him sometimes being too harsh, impatient, judgemental, and demanding.  So, is it really love if Sandor himself doesn’t have good tools for processing his feelings, realizing them as love, and expressing himself in more positive and agreeable ways?  Well, that’s up to you.  I would say it’s definitely not a healthy love, one that is conducive to a romance that would be good for both of them, not until he’s able to do those things.      

Let me get back to the moment that he not only learned Sansa was wed to Tyrion but also that she fled and disappeared.  His whole Riverlands journey was centered around his mistake at the Blackwater and him finding a means of getting back in good standing with Sansa.  Arya was supposed to be his golden ticket for that until his options started dwindling down.  

“Not for long,” said Polliver. “He’s under siege. Old Frey’s going to hang Edmure Tully unless he yields the castle. The only real fighting’s around Raventree. Blackwoods and Brackens. The Brackens are ours now.”

The Hound poured a cup of wine for Arya and another for himself, and drank it down while staring at the hearthfire. “The little bird flew away, did she? Well, bloody good for her. She shit on the Imp’s head and flew off.”

“They’ll find her,” said Polliver. “If it takes half the gold in Casterly Rock.”

“A pretty girl, I hear,” said the Tickler. “Honey sweet.” He smacked his lips and smiled.

“And courteous,“ the Hound agreed. “A proper little lady. Not like her bloody sister.”        

He can’t even focus on what Polliver and the Tickler are saying.  He’s brooding over another cup of wine and gazing into the fire.  While he’s happy she finally escaped, she’s gone, and he’s lost hope of seeing her again.  The Sansa-shaped hole in his life has caused him to admire qualities about her that once annoyed him to no end.  It’s at his death scene that he expresses how personally responsible he feels for botching his own rescue attempt and abandoning her to (in his eyes) a more horrific fate.  The feeling that their separation is now permanent and that he is powerless to do anything about it obliterates the last of Sandor’s pretense and denial.  He’s honestly facing how his ego, anger, fear, selfishness, and violence had a destructive effect on the relationship he valued most in the world.  It put the person he loved in harm’s way.  Sandor can now truly understand what love isn’t and how it all went wrong.  It’s the first step.  

So I don’t think George was content to let it lie at Sandor simply demonstrating the components of love for the reader’s benefit.  It was important enough that the character was put through a crucible in the Riverlands to further process those feelings.  And since the Elder Brother is keenly aware of who the auburn-haired maid of three-and-ten is, Sansa was definitely a hot topic of conversation.  Maybe (and I think it’s highly likely personally) we’ll next see a rehabilitated Sandor that is better equipped to understand and articulate his emotions, to express himself in healthier, more mature ways, and to express love through selfless and kinder actions.                                                                  

[buddha-in-disguise]

A full of fucking swearing long post about the shitstain that is Dominic Cummings. Plus where I can find them, at the end I will link fucking sources, just in case anyone wants to try and say otherwise.

Also, if you do start @ me over him, I'm blocking your fucking cunt of an arse. Clear enough?

Good. Then let's begin.

As a nation, we can be a fairly mild mannered lot. At least collectively. But as of now, the majority of Britons are a mass of anger. So much so, I've even agreed with pundits like Piers Fucking Morgan! That alone is distressing enough, but Dominic Cummings has pissed off just about everyone.

But first a little background on this heaping pile of shit.

Dominic Cummings was one of the main instigators of Leave Campaign in regards Brexit. Now for those who don't know or haven't cared until now, not only were they found to be in breach of the electoral law, Dominic himself was also found in contempt of Parliament when they tried to find out if Vote Leave used fake news to help achieve their goal.

To add to this, he took around 200k of subsidies from the EU for his properties. So a known lying fucking hypocrite.

Even before that, he was advisor to Gove, that spineless fucking weasel who has been out today spouting even more fucking bollocks over this. Funny that.

Don't think for a minute being Gove's Special Advisor meant Cummings was liked by others in the Tory Party. Cummings was pretty much despised by a lot in Government at the time. David 'Pig fucker' Cameron called him a career psychopath.

Fast forward to 2019. Cummings is now Special Advisor to another spineless fucking cunt known as the Prime Minister Boris Johnson. BJ was never in control. Anyone watching what was going on knew that the moment Cummings had Javid's one aide uncermoniously marched out of her job, using armed police no less.

Only problem was, he had no authority to do that.

But never fear, BJ decided to change the rules, so lo and behold, he didn't break any rules (seeing a pattern here yet?)

So fast forward to the last few days. Now newspapers were reporting that Dominic Cummings drove his COVID-19 symptomatic wife, with a 4 year old in the same enclosed vehicle, some 260 miles to his parents location in Durham.

Oh now comes the fun part, and why as a nation we are all beyond extremely miffed, and fucking pissed off!

The offical guidance was anyone in a household with someone displaying symptoms (tested or not) was to stay the fuck at home. There was one exception to this rule. One. Extreme risk to life.

So Cummings took the decision to go and drive for fucking childcare reasons.

A man with his wealth, privilege and even with family in fucking London, couldn't do it at his home, but had to drive (thus risking his own child because of viral load you're going to get in an enclosed vehicle), himself and others (because he had to stop. Tell me of anyone with a 4 year old in the car they wouldn't be stopping anywhere?)

So anyway, they take a fucking jolly jaunt up to his parents.

But hold on, a Minister recently resigned for breaking lockdown rules. So why in the ever loving fuck was Cummings not resigning or being fired?

I don't know what Cummings has on BJ, but I suspect it makes wanting to fuck a dead pig seem like child play. Because not only isn't he fired, good old Jolly BJ comes out and fully defends and supports his senior advisor (who is unelected as well, just to add salt to that wound).

So by following his fatherly instincts (the fucking laughable defence given, when BJ couldn't even say how many fucking kids he has) and acting with integrity, (someone please give these fucking morons a dictionary), Cummings was given a free pass.

And then a load of fucking MP's including cabinet ministers all piled in saying how great a father he is, how it was exceptional circumstances that made him do it, you're all overreacting you terrible ingrate you, blah, blah, more horse shit, blah!

So, now all of those families who actually followed the fucking rules, and did what the government said are now being told, oh sure. You could've attended the funeral of your loved ones. Gone halfway across country to get child care for your kids, and so on and so fucking forth.

So basically saying, hah the jokes on you.

A few grumbles came out from the odd Tory, who might not have grown a spine, but were looking less like jelly (jello) being nailed to the wall, and more like thick fucking custard. A little more substance to them, but still slopping around with no spine.

We have a bank holiday coming up, and unusually good weather forecast, because as every Brit knows, Bank Holidays are normally shit weather wise. And a lot of people saying, fuck me if Cummings can do this, so can we. And all pile into cars for days out as if nothing had changed! No masks, no social distancing. Zilch. Great innit.

No it fucking isn't! The virus doesn't take a holiday you fucking morons!

So back to the other mess. Cummings now gives a press conference in the fucking rose garden of No.10. Also likely in breach of the rules, but as we know, he really doesn't give a flying fuck about rules now does he.

First of all he was 30 minutes late (you would've been sanctioned , therefore getting no money, for weeks, probably months if on benefits and did the same thing thanks to this government). But he eventually rolls up, looking slightly less like he's been dragged through a hedge backwards, but still looking like a dogs arse. Actually sorry dogs, you don't deserve that comparison. I'm really sorry!!

Anyway, here he is, about to fill us with more bullshit.

The shit now isn't just hitting the fan. In the immortal words of Terry Pratchett, The Midden has now hit the Windmill.

Cummings is trying to explain why he did what he did, oh and now we have the added delight of him being caught going out to a location some 30 miles from the family home, which is another breach of the law!

He sat there, and said, the public aren't angry at me, they're angry because of how the media have reported it. Woe is me, they're making me out to be the bad guy in all this .... blah fucking boo hoo blah.

This was supposed to calm us down.

Dear reader.

It. Did. Not.

So journalist after journalist (Beth Rigby gave a fucking masterclass) actually didn't let him get away with it.

These weren't just questions or accusations. They threw proof at him! Despite the collective rage, it was glorious to see them do it. If this was when stocks were still in use in the town square, Cummings would've been covered in excrement and anything else to hand. That shit was blown back so fast, it was hard to keep up.

Anyway, without going into too much here, his excuses ranged from he didn't feel safe because of demos outside his home (unverified and strangely enough, no neighbours reporting any disturbances either. Funny that),

Then, having gone to great lengths to say he drove up to his parents to keep his kid safe, he explains the additional trip he got caught out on was taken to test his eyesight, which had been affected because of being unwell with Covid19.

So not only is it highly fucking illegal to drive while impaired (including if eyesight is impaired) in this country, you decided to take your wife and kid, who you wanted to protect, not for a little jaunt down the road, but on a 60 mile fucking round trip.

Oh, and he hadn't stopped on the 260 mile trip up there, but his kid needed a stop on the way home, so a less than 60 mile trip required a stop. Yeah. Strange how that works.

He still kept blaming the media. Still kept up the woe is me, it was exceptional circumstances, and so on. Must get sore lips there Cummings, with the amount of smoke you try to blow up peoples arses.

So, to end it all, he has flatly refused to resign. No need to even consider it. The public will be jolly good chaps in all of this and see my side of things.

No we won't, you motherfucking cunt!

So this morning, various people including Gove are still making excuses for this fucking shitstain.

I now wish Cummings is fired, but better yet, thrown out of our universe, so he can never ever be seen again. But I've seen more spine on a fucking snake that I have Boris Johnson, who is just as much to blame in all this.

Before I end, we also had an infamous Tweet from someone in the Civil Service, who knew they were torpedoing their career. I'm including a screen shot. It was taken down, but it was genuine. Whoever they were, you deserve all the applause and a fucking medal!

Oh and a few sources for this and the cuntface Cummings. But you know, just Google the fucker. You can find this and much more.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44856992

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47712040

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/aug/10/dominic-cummings-owns-farm-got-eu-subsidy

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/jun/18/david-cameron-dominic-cummings-career-psychopath

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/dominic-cummings-boris-johnson-cabinet-minister-aides-civil-service-sajid-javid-a9109836.html

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-52782913

[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-52553229

https://www.bbc.com/news/amp/uk-52792200

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-52793991

https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/dominic-cummings-trip-county-durham-18306147

https://www.gov.uk/driving-eyesight-rules

[littlepaperboatyo]

Izzy Hands is Not a good fighter.

I've been writing a paper on Izzy's codependency in my own time that will never see the light of day on account of it would be far too boring to anyone but me, but in doing so I have realised just how bad Izzy is at fighting and why people think he's good at it.

I'm not saying he's not skilled in swordsmanship btw, I think he has good form and is well practiced. I'm also not saying that he fucks it up all the time and fails to win his battles. I am very specifically saying he's a Bad Fighter. Because he really is! If he were a good fighter he wouldn't have lost to Stede. That wasn't a matter of Stede getting lucky or a rich man simply winning by being rich or the plot preaching the lesson it wants to preach. Stede would beat Izzy again and again given the chance. Why? Well...

Izzy Hands is an incredibly codependent character. That's a word I feel gets thrown around as though context clues define it when they don't, so I'm going to actually define it here.

A codependent person is so obsessed with controlling someone or something outside themselves that they lose control of themselves.

Izzy is super obsessed with controlling others, and not all that about controlling himself. He's particularly obsessed with controlling Ed, which is his side of why their relationship is so incredibly toxic. But we're not worrying about that now, we want to understand how he fights.

Codependency creates several more defining qualities in a person, one of which being that codependent people are highly reactive. If you're obsessed with controlling others then you become constantly vigilant of their actions. When you react to them you are no longer acting for yourself; the speed with which you're moving leaves no time to think about what your next move should be. Izzy actually understands this well, and prays on it when he fights. He's skilled enough that he can best another pirate who's also reactive. He just can't do shit to Stede on account of Stede being a pretty exceptionally nonreactive person.

Izzy starts the duel moving rapidly into form hoping to throw Stede off his rhythm. He's showing off his skill in hopes of making Stede nervous. Stede does falter when he loses his sword, and finds himself prone on the deck with things looking grim. He's not really reacting to this situation the way most pirates would though. He looks around, sees a creative solution, and pocket sands throws gunpowder at Izzy. This is where things get fun, because now Izzy is off his rhythm. He gets mad here and panics a bit. As much as Olu may have been dissapointed, Stede slapping Izzy's ass with his dick sword works to his advantage here, because again Stede is not acting how Izzy would expect. Izzy is worked up at this point. Even winning will leave him humiliated. He's mad. He clears his eyes and he's determined to finish this, tries to back Stede into a corner and continues pushing his regular fighting style. He's mad he's mad he's so ready to be done with this horrible strange little man he can't control. So ready, so certain of himself that he doesn't take a moment to consider why Stede might be offering a draw. He assumes he knows despite Stede defying his assumptions at every turn. He goes for the kill. And he's wrong.

Of course he's wrong.

Stede won out in their first interaction too. It's not so much that an ambush is "completely unprofessional" as it is that Izzy couldn't think up a way to get out of it. He sat there with a knife to his face and time to think and just couldn't really manage. He was surprised, and he got flustered, and he lost.

Izzy may know all the cool moves and be real good at waving his blade around, but he's too dependent on the other fighter's emotional state to actually be a good fighter.

Codependents tend to come from backgrounds of instability. Abusive childhoods and careers in crisis fields both, any environment that continually requires more than a person can give. I think it's fair to argue that codependency might be common among pirates. I also think it's fair to argue that Izzy looks to be a better fighter than he is because his average opponent is some pirate who sleeps on the deck with too little to eat who might very well be codependent themself. It's not that he's exceptional, it's that his enemies aren't.

Izzy Hands is Not a good fighter.

[broke-ass-twat]

Can I have all the numbers for all the things?

First of all, I’d like to say that you are dead to me and that I hope thy end is with the end of the universe. I hope that you ] watch as all of creation fades from being and all of your friends and family are dead and gone so long beforehand that their existence means nothing to something as eternal as you. All is empty and nothing matters. Slowly, as everything collapses, you welcome the release of not existing at all only to learn that you are all that is.

On to the questions! I’m somewhat tipsy so this should be interesting

1.First kiss?

I suppose the first kiss I had was on a dare so some random dude I don’t give a shit about. Actual first kiss would be with my first partner and it was rather nice as we had just started dating that day and they asked if we could kiss then immediately after that we made out. I’ve gotten sorta better at it since then but I guess being taught that is just sort of how I kiss now. A lot of fun that was.

2. First time masturbating?

I think my first time was in about 5th grade. Details here are unneeded but were milf-y in nature.

3. First sex toy?

Never had a sex toy. Hands work well enough

4. First kink tried?

Ummm. I don’t think I’ve tried anything particularly kinky although I have been sort of dom or sub at points.

5. First time doing oral?

With my first partner. When I was like 18 or something. Good experience all around. Still sort of curious about their thoughts on it though I can’t imagine it was mind-blowing.

6. First time having sex?

Same as above

Turn Ons

1. Biggest turn on?

The person being into what I’m doing. So basically validation that I’m good at what I’m doing but genuine and not just to appease me.

2. Biggest turn off?

Opposite of the above. Also probably a lack of effort on their part. I don’t wanna do everything.

3. Quickest way to get horny?

…..

Surprise me in a good way

4. Weirdest thing that ever turned you on?

Watercolor paintings that were just really well done

5. Top 3 places to be touched?

Umm. This is like tmi even for me. I’ll leave it out at just make out with me really nicely. Passionately but not urgently. Nice and slowly.

6. Ultimate fantasy?

Don’t have one in mind.

7. Do you like the idea of a three or moresome?

Not particularly. If I were intoxicated I’d be more open to the idea

8. Do you send nudes? Do you like receiving them?

I do send nudes and I really like receiving them especially if I’m not expecting it.

Preferences

1. Sex or masturbation?

Sex by far. Up until recently i’d say masturbation but the feel of comfy sex and the dynamic of another person is so much more fun. At times I’d say about even however. It depends. Sex is preferable however.

2. Spit or swallow?

I have like no opinion on this as I do neither. 

3. Cut or uncut dicks?

Aesthetically cut

4. Rough or sensual sex?

Sensual. Its much more fun when sex is occasionally rough. But normally I prefer sensual.

5. Oldest person you’d sleep with?

About a year older than me. I thought it’d meant oldest person I’d slept with but I’d probably sleep with someone up to like a decade older than me.

6. Loud or quiet partners?

I do like loud but quiet is fine as well. I just like to know when I’m doing something right.

7. How much foreplay do you like?

A decent amount but not a huge amount. I dunno. It depends on the partner.

8. How much teasing do you like?

I’m rather impatient so I don’t per se like too much teasing but in doses it can be nice.

9. What is too big for you to take?

I don’t take anything sooooo… 0 inches? Experimentation would probably have a prerequisite amount of alcohol.

10. Do you do hookups or only sleep with a partner?

I can hook up with a partner although I’d say that’s more rare than standard

11. How much kissing do you like during sex?

Honestly a hard question. I really really like intimacy but that can be sacrificed if something feels really good or is really hot. So it depends on the situation.

12. What’s the most attractive part of the body?

That’s highly variable but I’d tend to say the face.

Location

1. Favourite place to have sex?

In a bed.

2. Would you have sex in public?

Yah probably. Already have.

3. Last place you had sex?

In a bed

4. Where would you most like to have sex?

Still in a bed. I suppose a really nice rooftop would be a lot of fun.

5. Do you like spontaneous sex, or do you need to be in the mood?

Spontaneous sex is really fun sex. It doesn’t take too much to get me in the mood

6. Could you go through with a hookup at a strangers house?

Yah I probably could. I mean if I’m having sex with them chances are I have a rather good opinion of the person and know them to some extent. I think I’d have to be pretty drunk to just sleep with someone out of nowhere.

I just fucking stopped caring about formatting and might fix it later.

Kinks

What’s your biggest kink?

I don’t really have specific kinks. More like I have vague ideas of them and don’t care enough or feel comfortable enough to say them.

What’s your limit?

I don’t like pain that much

Are you okay with name calling in bed?

Name calling is alright I guess?

Would you do any BDSM?

Yah. I can do some light domination or be a sub but with just domination not pain.

Do you prefer to tie somebody up or be tied up?

Either. i don’t think I have a preference

Favourite type of bondage?

Don’t have one

Do you like orgasm denial/forced orgasm?

I think I would.

Do you like overstimulation?

Sort of. It’s a little much sometimes.

Do you like having pain involved?

No

Do you like biting/being bitten?

Lightly

Have you ever been made to/made somebody beg for it?

I’ve sort of made someone beg for it and that was a lot of fun. I think its fun in doses but if it was regular it might make it less interesting

Do you have any strange or extreme kinks?

No I don't 

Have any roleplaying preferences?

Nope

Send a kink with this number. Do you have that kink?

What? Also I really have to say tumblr has some incredibly shit formatting and it really bothers the fuck out of me.

Masturbation

Do you own sex toys? How many?

No.

Favourite Sex Toy?

Don’t have one

What do you masturbate to?

Porn.

How often do you masturbate?

Probably at least once a day

How often do you use sex toys to masturbate?

I dont

Do you masturbate with penetration?

No

Do you go for multiple rounds or settle at one or no orgasms?

When i’m having sex I can go for up to 3 rounds. Masturbation generally ends at one. with a protocolary session.

Oral

Do you enjoy giving oral?

Sort of.

Do you prefer giving or receiving oral?

I think I like receiving more.

What makes you orgasm the fastest when receiving oral?

I have never orgasmed from oral

Do you have a preferred technique for giving oral?

Licking out the ABCs has worked pretty well. I like also licking out circles or just aggressively up and down. Thats sort of the extent of my oral tbh. i do have some variation

Can you deep throat?

I don’t think so

For people with dicks…

How long and how thick is it?

Above average length and thickness. About 6 inches and magnums work better cuz of a lil above average thickness

Do you do anal? Top or bottom?

I do not.

Are you circumcised?

yes

Do you like your balls being played with?

Lightly yeah

Do you enjoy prostate stimulation? Ever came from it?

Have not had it done

Where do you like to finish?

Inside if I can honestly. Otherwise just outside.

Sex

Favourite position?

Missionary or cowgirl.

How often do you do unprotected sex?

Like most of the time at this point

How loud are you in bed?

Not very

Do you enjoy having nipples played with?

Yeah

Do you like/dislike/love/hate cum?

I mean its always mine so pretty indifferent

How good are you at dirty talk?

Mediocre if I had to guess

Do you get sleepy after an orgasm?

Sometimes

Other

Do you like wearing/seeing people in lingerie?

Yes

Do you masturbate or have sex with clothes on?

Occasionally

What’s your favourite style of underwear?

Lacey

Are stockings/thigh highs a turn on?

Yes

Ever had somebody say no to a kink you suggested trying?

Nope

Do you trim, shave or leave pubic hair untouched? How do you prefer partners?

I trim. I prefer partners trimmed or shaved

How many orgasms can you have in a day?

Like 4 or so within a short period

How many other people know your dick/bra size?

Like 3 or so I’d say

What do you wear to bed?

Just underwear or nothing. Occasionally pajamas

Do you eat ass? Do you like having your ass eaten?

i’d eat ass and have never had my ass eaten

Try to describe how orgasm feels for you.

A little tingly and my mind goes a little blank for a bit.

Have you ever been to a strip club? How was it? If not, would you?

I have not and I would although I’m unsure how much I would enjoy it

Fun questions!

Do you name your genitalia?

No

What would be your stripper name?

I would never be a stripper

Any funny sex stories?

Not really

What food if any would you use during sex?

Whupped cream or honey 

Would you give somebody a sex toy as a gift?

Yes

What’s the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen?

Umm. Probably extreme anal insertion

Do you often get horny in public?

No not really

Ever used something that isn’t made for sex in the bedroom?

I don’t believe I have

Have you ever walked in on somebody or been walked in on?

Nope

Do you have any friends you’d sleep with?

Probably all of the ones that are female that I have. Unless i find them unattractive which I don’t think has happened yet

Some real creepy shit, get your fix.

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

I would certainly hope my girlfriend meant it

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

Yes considering that I’m only 20. I’d obviously have to find them mature enough

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

With an essay that a teacher graded where I didn’t like the grade but agreed with the commentary and was happy about it. The grade made sense with the commentary although I wanted more.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Rarely

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I suppose frustrated or aggravated probably.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Nothing at the current moment

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

I am wearing a grey Tulane sweatshirt, navy hanes boxers, and black speckled sort of shorts with gold zipper pockets

8. How often do you listen to music?

Fucking often

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Jeans for sure

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

This post must be dated as fuck

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

More antisocial just out of mild social anxiety

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

I have not

13. What about ‘R’?

Also have not

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

I straight up can’t drive

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

I’m sort of vain so yeah

16. Are you going out of town soon?

In about a week

17. When was the last time you cried?

I think its been a week or two

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Yes

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

Probably not but green or a stormy color would be cool

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Nah not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

Well i’ve technically started this day tipsy sooooo… Not the healthiest way to start a day

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

It would really depend on the guy

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Nope

24. What are you sitting on right now?

A fucking chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Yes

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Um. My room mate

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Not particularly

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I’m not wearing a shirt. I’m wearing a sweatshirt and thats from my university’s website

30. Does anyone hate you?

Probably but I also don’t care about them

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

I thankfully do not.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

Not really honestly. With other people more so

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

None of them

35. Did you have a dream last night?

Probably

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Yesterday

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Perhaps

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I know someone has feelings for me and I know of at least two other people that did

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Maybe my room mate but probably not

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I think so

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

Why yes I was

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

Yes

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Probably

44. What’s the best part about school?

The people

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

I have very few but I do.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

No

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Annoyingly often

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Nope

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

Sort of

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

An essay

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

No

52. Are you nice to everyone?

No

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

I think so

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Definitely wtf

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Pretty decent

56. Do you think you like someone?

I know I do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

I have

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls. I just find them more attractive and easier to talk to in general

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Yeah

60. Do you hate anyone?

Yes

61. How’s your heart?

Physically and emotionally fine I think 

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

Probably

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

As a result of a guy but not over one

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Don’t know don’t care really

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

No

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

Most certainly not

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Depends on what and how often I’d say

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

Thankfully not

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My stepfather

70. How do you look right now?

Probably fine

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

I think so

72. Can you commit to one person?

Yes

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yes

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

No. I have felt sort of used or abandoned though

75. Did you wake up cranky?

I certainly have

76. Are you a jealous person?

Not particularly

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

Definitely

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Yeah

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Yeah

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Write a pretty lengthy essay

81. Last person you cried in front of?

My roommate’s girlfriend

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Probably

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

Yes

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

We’d prolly be cuddling

85. Are you over your past?

No I don’t believe I am although I hope I can eventually be

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Hell yeah

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

No I thik not but it’s a possibility

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

No as we both have different things we’re doing right now and different focuses and obligations

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

Yes

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

I don’t think so

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

Probably

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Yes

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

No

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

I was not

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

Yes

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

They’re cute

97. Who do you have texts from?

A bunch of people

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Have fun with that. I’d be pretty fucking sad though

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

Myself

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

I don’t believe so

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Yes

[savage-angel-was-a-mistake]

We Don't Talk About Applebees

WE DON'T TALK ABOUT APPLEBEE'S Naruto and Sasuke were fighting. Again. God knows about what, because they fought so much that we honestly didn't give a damn what it was about anymore, we just hoped they'd give it a rest so we could get some god damned peace. We were currently at Sasuke's house –er, mansion- because it was larger than all of our houses and Sasuke didn't seem to fond of being alone in the house he inherited when his parents had passed, and we didn't blame him one bit. Besides, his house was HUGE, so we thoroughly enjoyed being there. With the way Naruto and Sasuke were always fighting, you'd think Sasuke would kick him out of the house. A few months ago, Sasuke had begrudgingly agreed –bent to Naruto's will, have you- and allowed Naruto to move in. Stupid move, considering the fact that it seemed to put a strain on their friendship. "Naruto." Sasuke said angrily. The blond turned to Sasuke, a brow quirked in question. "…yes?" Naruto asked. "We need to talk." "Can't it wait? I'm in the middle of a reallyinteresting conversation, and-" "Now." Sasuke demanded, cutting Naruto off mid whine. Naruto huffed out an exasperated breath. "Fine, okay, I'm coming." He replied rather angrily. And so they walked off, Sasuke fuming and Naruto strapping in for the ride, because Sasuke seemed to do this a lot and Naruto just seemed to put up with it at this point. We all shared a collective glance among us and sighed. "Dear God," Kiba complained rather loudly, quite possibly attempting to catch the attention of the retreating figures, "don't they ever stop fighting? I mean, give it a rest already!" "They fight like a married couple." Shikamaru said. He had gotten married a little under a year ago to another close friend, Tenmari, so we figured that he knew what he was talking about. "We don't really fight like that, though." Tenmari added, "We don't really fight at all, seeing as you're too lazy to put in any effort. The arguments seem one sided more often than not." "They fight like a stereotypical married couple." Shikamaru corrected himself, "Is that good enough for you?" "As good as it's going to get." "What are they even fighting about?" I asked. I didn't really mean to say it out loud, but my thought sort of manifested itself into words. "Do you honestly, I mean, really honestly, want to know?" Kiba asked, "Because at this point, it's just figuring out how petty Sasuke is being this time." I supposed that Kiba was right, Sasuke was seemingly petty recently. The last time they had asked what they were fighting about, it was how Naruto apparently left his clothes in the dryer. Boo hoo. They came back eventually and Naruto continued our previous conversation as if nothing happened. Sasuke walked into the kitchen seemingly pleased with himself. I swear, sometimes it seemed like he got off on yelling at Naruto, which was definitely weird. I decided to let it go. Honestly, they were just a huge bundle of drama manifested into two very angry and often petty man-children. ... One day I happened to find myself listening in on an interesting conversation between Naruto and Kiba. They were sitting at the dining room table, which is where our more animated conversations took place. "I swear to God, Kiba, Sasuke has the perfect poker face, one on a level that you could only hope to ever achieve." Naruto said, almost gloating for some strange reason. "Naruto, I have a pretty impressive poker face, I highly doubt Sasuke's is better." Kiba defended himself rather smugly. "Have you ever seen any emotion on that man's face? Like, ever?" Naruto asked. "I've seen him angry at you." Kiba said after pausing to think. "That's it though, right? You've only ever seen him angry." "I'm not sure that man has any emotions besides anger." Kiba fired back as if this fact were obvious. "He's got more emotions than that, Kiba; he's human. I'm just warning you to not play cards with him, ever, because he will whoop your sorry ass into next week without so much as a smirk on that damned face of his." Kiba's left eyebrow twitched at Naruto's claim. "Alright," Kiba challenged, "why don't we test this theory?" "Fine by me." Naruto replied before leaning over to yell at Sasuke, "Oi, gay sauce, get your ass over here and defend your honor like the god damned man you are." Sasuke entered the room with a deadly glare pointed at Naruto. "How many times have I told you to not call me that?" "Irrelevant," Naruto dismissed, "you're playing cards with Kiba." Sasuke paused. "I'm what?" "You're playing cards with Kiba." Naruto repeated again. "…and why, exactly, am I playing cards with Kiba?" Sasuke asked with obviously waning patience. "Because he so boldly claims that you have the most fantastic poker face in the world, and I am determined to prove him wrong." Kiba said, passing his own glare at Sasuke. Sasuke arched an eyebrow at Naruto, seemingly wondering why he was saying that, but for some reason I could swear on my mother's grave that there was a challenge in that look of his. "Oh really?" Sasuke asked, and that was when his challenge became a bit more apparent. "Yes, really, now sit your ass down you're playing Bull Shit." "That requires more than two players." Sasuke stated. "Um, yeah, Naruto, I'm going to have to agree with Sasuke on this one." Kiba said. Naruto turned to look at me. "How good is your poker face, Sakura?" He asked, smiling gleefully. "Um, pretty good, I suppose," I said slowly, "nothing that would make me brag like you guys are, though." "Great!" Naruto excitedly clapped his hands together, "It's settled! You three are playing Bull Shit, winner has the best poker face." Kiba and I turned to Naruto while Sasuke fiddled with the cards that I did not notice were there and frankly didn't care where they had come from at the moment. "Why aren't you playing?" I asked. "Because I gotta take a shit," Naruto said as if it were the most natural thing in the world, "a massive shit, and I'm not sure when I'll be back. I'll join you next round guys, 'kay?" Kiba and I almost inquired further but, honestly, we weren't exactly sure where that train of thought would lead. So, we ultimately agreed. Naruto left the room and the game had begun. The game was slightly difficult, at least for me, because either my poker face game was off or Sasuke had a fucking lie detector on him, because he called me out every fucking time. Kiba, the poor man, wasn't very good at calling people out, but I must say his poker face was pretty good. Sasuke's… well, Naruto was right when he said that his poker face was something to behold, because god damn that man didn't even bat an eyelash. As Naruto promised, he came in shortly after the first round and joined in on our fun. His poker face? God fucking awful. He was probably pleased with himself when he had hid how awful his was in the previous conversation behind the gloating about Sasuke's. It seemed like a weird thing to get defensive about. It also seemed weird that Sasuke seemed to know where things were going. I, of course, elected to ignore it, because, quite frankly, those two were odd balls of another level, and to try to get in on their drama and train of thought was akin to digging a hole and forgetting the ladder. ... My birthday was in two weeks. I was excited enough, because I was younger than the others so I could still be a little excited. We decided to celebrate two weeks early because we couldn't all coordinate our days off to celebrate any later. I had this wonderful idea that we should try something new, since we had gone to pretty much every restaurant within a 10 mile radius. So I decided on a place we had never been, not at all aware of the drama that would ensue. "Let's go to Applebee's." I proposed. We were currently at Sasuke's house, again, sitting around his dining room table. Sasuke choked on his drink, Naruto hitting him on the back to stop the coughing that followed. I looked at him funny, because that was definitely not the response I was expecting. "Uh… which Applebee's?" Naruto asked cautiously. "Um, the only one within a 10 mile radius? Come on, guys, the other one is, like, 15 miles further." Kiba said. "Oh." Sasuke replied, his voice a little higher than normal. "You have to come, guys, it's for Sakura's birthday and she chose the venue." Tenmari downright scolded them. They leaned in close, whispering urgently between each other. After a minute or two, they rejoined the group and sat back simultaneously. Naruto looked at Sasuke. "Applebee's?" He asked. "Applebee's." Sasuke replied with a slight nod of the head. We all wondered what was up with Applebee's that made them act like this but, again, we didn't want any part of their drama. Or, in this case, their antics that we were not made aware of. ... We entered the Applebee's, Naruto and Sasuke trailing behind at a distance, whispering among themselves one again. It appeared as though they were having an argument and, honestly, second thoughts about agreeing to come here. Once they entered and one of the wait staff looked at them, the whole wait staff seemed to hush down do a dull whisper campaign. Sasuke and Naruto looked around at the questioning faces. "Well, they certainly remember us." Sasuke said quietly to Naruto, but not quietly enough to where I couldn't catch it. "It's been three years, Sasuke, stop being so paranoid." Naruto dismissed his apparent paranoia. "Naruto," Sasuke said blankly, "they're staring at us. I'm pretty god damned sure they remember us." "Well, I hardly believe that he's still here. Remember how old he was?" Naruto asked. "Hm…" Sasuke thought, then continued while nodding his head, "yeah, probably retired." "Most definitely retired, Sasuke," Naruto confirmed, "calm your tits." This addition to the conversation Sasuke deemed worthy of an elbow to the gut. "If he is here, he's going to call the cops again." Sasuke continued, a certain wariness in his voice. I widened my eyes. What the fuck had they done? "Aw, dude, we got out of that one easy last time." Naruto again dismissed Sasuke's 'paranoia' with a wave of the hand. "Well, maybe that's because the officer they dispatched last time was Kakashi, who you know." Sasuke almost growled the last part. "We could get him again." Naruto said with confidence in his voice. I could just feel the eye roll Sasuke gave him. "I seriously doubt that Kakashi would come again and-" Sasuke was cut off by our host addressing us. "Your table is ready. Please, follow me." She said, her eyes on the pair the whole time. She almost seemed… excited? Which was pretty weird, considering the conversation I had just overheard. We made our way to the table, the wait staff watching us along the way. I was legitimately frightened about the prospect that my friends were god damned criminals and they had just pulled us into it. Luckily for the rest of the group, they didn't have a god damned clue. We sat down, Naruto and Sasuke on the far end of the table, a couple seats away from the rest of us since the table they sat us at was huge. The waitress leaned down to have a quiet conversation to the potentially felons. After a bit, she looked up at us and asked, "How do you guys put up with them?" Judging by the 'cut it out' hand motions they were both making, it seemed like they were determined to keep whatever fiasco had happened previously on the down low. "They don't know us." Sasuke lied. "Yeah, we just asked to sit at their table- they just agreed." Naruto said, looking at Sasuke while nodding. Sasuke nodded back. "Mm hm, we have no idea who they even are." Sasuke confirmed. The waitress smiled at them before turning her back. I was glad that they were making an effort to not get our asses arrested too. The waitress turned back hurredly, a look of distress on her face. "He's coming," She said ominously before reverting back to her smile, "your host will be right with you." And then she left. And then he stormed up to the table, a paper in his hand. He glared at my friends, who looked up at him with mock innocence. "Hello, kind sir, how may we help you today?" Naruto asked. "What are your names." The man didn't ask but demanded with poorly concealed anger. "Why, I'm Jack Nicholson," Sasuke leaned an elbow on the table. "And I'm Adam Wesly," Naruto 'introduced' himself. "And together, we're…" Sasuke looked at Naruto and smiled. They turned towards him and said in unison, "Adam Wesly and Jack Nicholson!" The man's glare intensified. "So you are not Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha." He growled. They looked at each other. "Have you heard of them?" Sasuke asked. "I dunno, Naruto sounds kinda like food, though." Naruto replied. Sasuke nodded in agreement, which only served to piss off the man even more. "Well then, let's ask your friends, shall we?" He asked. Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other with widened eyes. "Um, we don't know them." Sasuke spit out quickly. "Yeah, uh, we asked to sit with them. We have no idea who they are." Naruto added. "You can ask the waitress, we informed her of our predicament." Sasuke sat back in his chair confidently. "Yes we did, Jack- yes we did." Naruto nodded, sitting back in his chair too. He showed them the piece of paper. The picture was blurry, and we were sitting a little ways away, so we couldn't make it out. Sasuke and Naruto studied it. "…where do you even keep this?" Naruto asked, looking up at the man. "In the breakroom." He replied through gritted teeth. "…" Sasuke seemed to ponder over the information, "… do you guys, like, jack off to this?" he asked. The man sputtered in response, his face turning red. "Wha- I- NO! OF COURSE NOT!" He yelled. "He doth protest too much." Naruto leaned over to whisper to Sasuke. "Agreed." Sasuke replied. "Are you, or are you not the two men in this picture?" He asked. They looked at each other, the lie they were about to give being formulated between their eyes. "Jack Nicholson, you did not tell me you had a doppelganger." Naruto accused 'Jack'. "Adam Wesly, you did not tell me you had a doppelganger." Sasuke fired back. "Apparently our doppelgangers are having more fun than us!" Naruto said incredulously. "For real, though! They look like they're having the time of their life!" Sasuke replied. They couldn't hold back the smiles on their faces as their façade broke down more and more. The man slammed his hands down on the table, his glare passing between the two men. "Three years ago, you guys FORNICATED in my establishment!" He yelled. Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other with actual shock before they broke down into fits of laughter. "Naruto, you should have told me we were fornicating! I would have actually taken my clothes off to do it properly!" The statement only made them laugh harder and the man's glare stronger. "Are you mocking me?" He asked. They looked up at him, tears in their eyes from the laughing that had finally begun to subside. "Oh, honey, do you not know what fornicating is?" Sasuke asked, attempting to hold back his giggles. "Me thinks he's a virgin." Naruto drawled out the last word. "I will have you know I have two VERY beautiful young daughters." Naruto and Sasuke shared a look before turning back to the man. "…are you really, like, honest to god defending your sex life?" Sasuke asked. "To us?" Naruto asked after. The man glared at them. "That's it," he stated, "I am calling the cops." Naruto and Sasuke once again shared a shocked look before turning to his with hands up in a feeble attempt to calm the fuming man down. "Dude, we're just fucking with you," Naruto laughed a little, "calm down." "Get out of my establishment." The man said with authority in his voice, "What part of banned for life do you not understand?" "Um…" Naruto thought for a moment, "the life part." "Definitely the 'for' part." Sasuke said. They began to laugh again. "I want you OUT of my establishment, and I want you to NEVER come back!" "What are we supposed to do then, fornicate in the McDonald's across the street?" Naruto asked. "So not as much fun," Sasuke shook his head. "tssk, tssk." "Get out of my establishment. NOW." The man screamed the last word. They jumped up, heading towards the exit. "YOU BOTH ARE GOING TO HELL!" He screamed after them. Sasuke turned back to do a tear drop gesture with his middle finger before laughing and turning away, Naruto's hand reaching into Sasuke's back pocket. After they were gone, the man took a few deep breaths and looked at our shocked faces. "You really shouldn't allow strangers to sit at your table with you." And with that, he turned and left. We sat in shocked silence until we looked around at each other, mouths wide open, searching for someone, anyone who was aware of what had happened. The host came to our table to take our drink orders. We figured that we'd ask them after we had finished eating, because, as stated before- -you don't want to get caught up in their drama. ... We entered the McDonald's across the street, hoping they would be there. And they were. Sasuke was currently wearing Naruto's jacket, both of their hair mussed up, throwing whole fries at Naruto, who was hopelessly attempting to catch them in his mouth. After the third one, he looked at Sasuke with a stern face. "You need to rip them into smaller pieces, Sasuke- I can't catch them who-" he was cut off by a ripped French fry smacking him between the eyes. He waved his arms around in a, 'come on, dude' sort of way. "I wasn't ready!" He whined, shortly before another fry was launched at his face. He blinked a few times, staring at Sasuke's smugly smirking face. Naruto snatched the container of fries from between them. Sasuke quirked an eyebrow in challenge. "Let's see how you like it, bastard." Naruto huffed out before throwing a whole fry at Sasuke, which then resulted in a surprised face as Sasuke caught it with ease. Sasuke leaned on his hand, watching Naruto with that smug look still plastered on his face as he chewed slowly. Naruto threw another one and Sasuke caught it just as easily. His eyes were wide, until the eyelids drooped slightly, giving his face a certain 'bedroom' feel. Sasuke's smirk grew. "I can think of a couple places that skill can come in handy." Naruto said huskily. Sasuke leaned in. "Oh yeah?" He asked. "Totally." Naruto replied. They leaned in for a kiss before Kiba cleared his throat. They looked at us with bored expressions. "Hey dudes," Naruto started, "welcome to the land of delinquents." "Population: us." Sasuke added. They looked at each other and laughed. Sasuke fed another fry to Naruto who happily accepted the offering. We stared at them. They looked back at us. They broke out into laughter. Somehow, the situation was so outlandish that we could not muster up the energy to laugh. "…are you two… together?" Kiba asked cautiously. The pair looked at each other. "I dunno…" Sasuke looked at Naruto with assessing eyes, "what are we?" Sasuke asked. "I dunno." Naruto replied. They burst out into laughter again. "Dude, we've been together for, what, six years now?" Naruto asked Sasuke. "A little over six years," Sasuke answered, nodding. "…what did you guys do?" I asked them. I could feel all of the glares on my back because, frankly, did we want to know? "Um, do you mean tonight, or three fucking years ago?" Naruto asked. "Can't believe that they really mean for life when they say life time ban." Sasuke said in disbelief. "TONIGHT?" We asked in unison. They laughed again. I almost believed they were drunk at this point, but considering that Sasuke didn't drink, that possibility was down the drain. It would've been an easier explanation than whatever they were about to feed us. "Yeah, tonight," Naruto said, nodding. "We fornicated in the parking lot." Sasuke grinned, which made me uncomfortable because, let's face it, Sasuke's not the kind to grin. Or fornicate in an Applebee's. Or fornicate in an Applebee's parking lot. Or fornicate with… well, Naruto. That seemed a bit off, but it was slowly becoming apparent to me that this was the scary reality that I was currently living in. "Wouldn't that like… hurt? At least one of you?" Kiba asked. Sasuke shot up. He lifted the sleeve above the elbow to show the terrifying abrasion he had there. Kiba gawked. "Doesn't that hurt?" Sasuke looked at him with a dead serious expression. "Occupational hazard," He replied. They burst out into laughter again. "And then we fornicated in the bathroom here." Naruto announced as if fornication was something to be boasted about. "One person bathrooms are a blessing." Sasuke added, all but laying his top half on the table they were sitting at. "…what…" I looked at everyone else to confirm that they were ready for me to ask the next question, but all I saw were faces of uncertainty. Seeing as I was also uncertain, I asked anyways. "…what happened three years ago?" I asked quietly, almost praying that they hadn't heard. By the fact that their faces lit up as they looked at each other, I realized that they had. "Well, you see-" Naruto started. "-It was our third anniversary-" Sasuke continued. "-and we somehow ended up at Applebee's-" "-because the car broke down-" "-and three years ago, there was no McDonald's here-" "-so we went into Applebee's and got seated-" it was at this moment that I noticed that they actually, honest to god, finished each other's sentences. "-and, you know, being our anniversary and all-" Naruto again continued. "-we were in kind of a romantic mood-" "-despite it being fucking Applebee's for Christ's sake-" "-and Naruto pecked me on the lips-" "-just a tiny, tiny, very short and very sweet peck-" they pecked each other on the lips to demonstrate, I guess, and it didn't seem like anything that would be considered fornicating. "-and the manager sees us-" Sasuke looked at Naruto with a look of, 'dear god, this man had some major issues'. "-and apparently he is homophobic as fuck-" "- so he goes off on us, telling us that we're going to hell-" "-that we shouldn't be doing that in public-" "-the whole nine yards." Sasuke rolls his head a bit at the ridiculousness of the situation. "So then-" "-being the bright person I am-" Sasuke smiles a small smile, looking at Naruto. "-he fucking looks that man straight in his fucking eyes-" the giggles start up again. "-and- and- and I say- wait for it…" "…oh, you didn't like that?" "Then you sure as hell won't like this!" "And he fucking crawls over the fucking table-" "-and dude, I don't care about my dignity at this point, because I was ready to smite that man into the darkest pits of hell-" "-and we start making out, and I swear to godSasuke is fucking grinding on me-" "-and that bastard called the fucking cops!" At this point they're speaking between fits of laughter. "He goes, 'YOU'RE BOTH BANNED FOR LIFE, GET OUT OF MY ESTABLISHMENT!'" Naruto doubles over, crying at this point because apparently to them this is so fucking funny. To us, it's goddamned disturbing. "And so the cops come-" Sasuke continues as the laughter dies down. "-and thank fuck it's Kakashi-" "-and he laughs it off and lets us go." Sasuke finished. "The end." Naruto adds to lessen the confusion on whether or not the story had ended. We look at them. We look long and hard. These people before us were not Naruto and Sasuke. But the more we talk to them, the more they explain that that's really how they are normally, between them, it was just that they hadn't told us yet. More disturbing than the Applebee's story they had just 'graced' us with, was why they believed that their relationship was obvious. "You know when Sasuke storms up to me like, 'we need to talk'?" Naruto asked. "Oh god, I do not like where this is going…" Kiba put his head in his hands. I realized at this point that Shikamaru and Tenmari had elected to stay silent during the whole night. "That would be me pulling him aside to have sex." Sasuke said matter-of-factly. Kiba groaned. "I did not want to hear that. Like, ever…" Kiba grumbled. "Oh, you didn't like that?" Sasuke asked. "Oh dear god, do not say that, especially after that story you just told…" Kiba pleaded. "…you remember when I told you that Sasuke had a good poker face?" Naruto asked. Kiba stared at him in mute horror. Naruto only smiled. "You did not." Kiba said in disbelief. Naruto nodded, smiling. "No. No. No, no, nonono." Kiba was shaking his head. Honestly, I was a little lost. "Eh, it wasn't the first time he'd done it." Sasuke added. Kiba then turned to stare at him. "WHAT? WHEN?" Kiba yelled. "A lot of times, actually." Naruto confessed, though he didn't seem the least bit guilty. The dots were starting to connect for me, but I wasn't quite there yet. "You are never, EVER, EVER sitting at a table with me again." Kiba said. "We're sitting at one now." Sasuke pointed out. Kiba whipped his head to look at him. "Don't- don't even JOKE about that, dear GOD!" "I'm lost…" I tried to whisper to Shikamaru and Tenmari, only to find that they had probably bolted to save themselves from the truth about our friends. "I want to see you dominate a game of Bull Shit while being sucked off." Naruto said. My eyes widened as I looked at the blond. "EXCUSE ME?" I asked loudly. Naruto looked at me. "…we've been talking about this for, like, five minutes now." Naruto said. "Welcome to the conversation." Sasuke mumbled into his folded arms, half asleep. "Okay, you know what? I second the motion that you two do not sit at a table with us, because… dear god…" I trailed off. Naruto laughed again. "Oh, well. Our loss, I guess." He shrugged. ... We walked to the car, Sasuke having taken a nap during our conversation and was ready to roll again. Naruto stopped us in front of the car. He turned to Sasuke. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He stated. "That's good." Sasuke replied. Naruto looked at him. "Um… I'm trying to make this romantic?" He asked. "Trying to make what romantic?" Sasuke asked, eyeing him suspiciously. "Well, our friends know now, and, we're in the Applebee's parking lot, which is cool because we apparently fornicated in and outside this thing so I guess it's important to us…" Sasuke watched him. "Go on…" "Well, I…" Naruto paused. "…I'm ready to stop being boyfriends." Sasuke's eyes widened. I could see where Naruto was going with this, but apparently Sasuke couldn't, judging by the alarmed look on his face. "What?" He choked out. "Calm your tits, Sas, I'm not done yet." Naruto reprimanded him. Ah, true romance was in the air tonight. Naruto got down on one knee and held out the ring. "Will you marry me?" Sasuke stood in his spot with wide eyes staring at the ring. Apparently, being accused of fornicating in an Applebee's, getting thrown out of said Applebee's, and then actually fornicating in the same Applebee's parking lot and then proceeding to fornicate in the McDonald's across the street and finally come out to your friends was all too much to process. And then Naruto had to fucking propose. Naruto sat still, waiting for Sasuke to answer. After a minute or two of fidgeting, he said "Sasuke, if you don't say yes soon I am going to punch you in the fucking throat, I swear to god." Naruto was definitely the pinnacle of classy romance. Sasuke finally, finally nodded slightly. Naruto rose up slightly. "Yes?" He asked. Sasuke nodded a bit more noticeably this time. "Really?" Naruto asked again, rising up more. Sasuke again nodded, this time quite excitedly. "Really, really, really?" "Dear god, Naruto, yes!" Sasuke cried as he hugged Naruto close to him. They both cried, actually. As Naruto slipped on the ring I realized that it was two weeks before my birthday, and it was the closest day we had to get together before then. Those motherfuckers stole my spotlight, starting three fucking years ago. ... It's been nine years since Naruto and Sasuke got together. Their romance game is still running strong. It's been six years since the first Applebee's incident. You know, the one that got them banned for life? It's been three years since they got engaged at the second Applebee's incident. Unfortunately, I can't say the last one, because those motherfuckers like to test the boundaries of 'banned for life' every year. It's also been three years of getting used to the new Naruto and Sasuke. As promised, we never sat at tables with them unless we were in public, because we weren't risking shit. Sasuke apparently really, really likes Naruto, because he can often be found clinging to the blond haired man. Naruto has affectionately dubbed him his 'beautiful octopus boyfriend'- well, when he's not calling his dick hole or dip shit or something of the sort. It also happens that, instead of requesting to talk, Sasuke will literally grab Naruto by his face, often mid conversation, and drag him to the bedroom, the bathroom, a fucking closet- anywhere that is convenient for access at the time. It's been two years since the wedding. The wedding was wonderful, actually. Naruto downright cried when he saw Sasuke coming down the aisle. Sasuke teared up, too. A couple of the Applebee's employees- ones that had worked on the first occasion- had been invited. According to them, the pair are actually quite the legend at the Applebee's- veteran employees tell the newbies, so much so that they're not even sure if any of the people that worked then are even there anymore. And, of course, Naruto and Sasuke see this as a tremendous achievement. It's been about a year since we befriended Gaara, a quiet man that likes to keep to himself. Unfortunately for him, he is always dragged to dinner parties by his sister, which happened to by Tenmari. I always found it weird that we hadn't met Gaara any sooner. It's been about six months since we started being dragged along to these parties. It's also been six months since we got together to formulate the 'completely accurate' story of how Naruto proposed, because that is apparently a hot topic. And, let's face it, it's for the best- We don't talk about Applebee's.