#which is surprising bcos im okay in hospitals have been to a funeral but only when i was like 8 and have seen loved ones on their death beds
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#couldve gone with not having experienced the whole of today really#feels like i’ve just dissociated since i woke up#didnt really help that it got worse when i went to anatomy class and saw my first cadaver#which is surprising bcos im okay in hospitals have been to a funeral but only when i was like 8 and have seen loved ones on their death beds#but seeing the anatomy lecture just show us parts of the lungs and heart but the face and lower extremities covered#the way he just moved those body parts just really hit me about idk mortality and all this shit like a large wave#its not a good day when u finally face your true phobia and question god and your life in one day#why cant i have a normal phobia like spiders or needles or heights noooo god just wants me to have an absolutely emotionally distressing#reaction when faced questions about mortality and how life can mean so much yet so little#we are nothing yet we are everything what is literally stopping me from staying in this earth in this physical vessel that i curse everyday#the days get harder and living becomes more difficult and there’s days when i cant see where im going anymore#but no i just cant think that i cannot be selfish i must live i must live i must#im okay#i’ll be okay#im sure i will be
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