#which makes sense from an emotional standpoint i that reaction

[infiniteetcetera]

The recent discourse of “Cassian/Nesta don’t make sense as mates from a power standpoint” is so interesting (and true) but I also find it interesting that I don’t think there really is any other SJM world mates that parallel Cassian/Nesta?? Like there’s nothing about them that reads as mates to me. Whether you like them or not, Feysand, Rowaelin, Elucien, and Quinlar all make perfect sense to me as mates (even if it’s not in a romance sense but in like a powers/fantasy bond/parallels sense) The only SJM couple that comes close to Nessian in terms of parallels for me is (Nessian stans turn away now) Azriel/Mor.

There are actually a lot of interesting parallels here on the surface/in terms of scenes. I give you examples:

• Mor yanking her hand away from Az and Cassian yanking his hand away from Nesta, even though the action shows incredible (rare) vulnerability from Az/Nesta.

• The entire Cauldron/end of ACOMAF scene, Cassian’s reactions to Nesta being hurt and Azriel’s reactions to Mor getting hurt are the same.

• A complete lack of understanding for one another despite their connection?? Cassian and Nesta are almost never on the same page and Mor and Azriel still fail to understand each other after 500 years of friendship.

•Choosing Rhys/orders over each other, specifically when it matters most.

•The way Mor describes Azriel’s feelings of inadequacy and feeling undeserving of her are exactly how Nesta describes her feelings for Cassian and not being good enough for him (also neither Cas/Mor has ever told the other they’re wrong for feeling that way).

•Despite their own disregard of the others feelings, Cassian/Mor demonstrate a similar weird possessiveness over Nesta/Azriel, in particular i’m thinking of Cassians reaction to Neris (even though Nesta doesn’t even like Eris) and Mor’s reaction to Elriel (like you’re a Lesbian girl why do you care who Az is flirting with)

•A surface level parallel of powers that implies a subservience that isn’t normal with mating bonds (where powers are meant to compliment each other, even if one is slightly more powerful.) For example, Nesta’s power is death and Cassian is a war general (who delivers death, but is inherently subservient to it) and Mor’s power is “truth” while Azriel is an interrogator with a knife called truth teller (again sort of subservient to the idea and pursuit of truth, not equal to it)

•The implication of having no shared hobbies and one being forced into doing what the other likes (Nesta training to become more like Cas, Azriel going to Rita’s and generally putting himself out there to please Mor)

•The manipulation of emotions to force the other into doing what they want. Nesta goes from 0 to 100 in accepting the bond bc Cassian pushes this idea of being “shackled” to her and reminding her she’s inferior/not enough for him. Mor is constantly using Azriel’s feelings to force him to talk/agree to plans and just generally do what she/the IC wants

•The complete IGNORING of an implicit love confession (Az/Mor after the Autumn court debacle, Cas/Nes at the end of ACOWAR) even though ignoring it is weird and makes no sense.

WHY DO I POINT ALL THIS OUT? I think these parallels could mean some important things, especially because SJM could have chosen to ignore all the weird/bad things about Nessian and pretend they had a happily ever after following ACOSF but she didn’t. So, what are the options here?

1) I’ve seen this one a few times and I think it’s an interesting concept: there are “true” mating bonds, like those in TOG, and there are “cauldron” mating bonds, which have less to do with love/romance/compatibility and more to do with breeding and just generally creating a path the cauldron deems suitable. I think Mor/Azriel being “cauldron” mates would be a great way to explore this concept since Mor can’t love Azriel, giving Azriel a chance to be with someone purely out of choice (no matter who that is), and forcing the Archeron sisters to contemplate their mating bonds and whether they really want their mates (I focus more on Nes/Elain here, I hold true that Feysand is here to stay, though this could be an interesting contention point for Rhys)

2) This seems less likely to me but would be SO interesting: Rhys has the power to fake mating bonds to a certain degree and has been doing so when it suits him. Now let me specify one thing: Rhys did NOT fake his bond with Feyre, we do know this for certain. Based on his thoughts it’s also very likely he did NOT fake Elucien’s bond. HOWEVER i think it is totally plausible and makes sense for him to fake a bond between Mor/Azriel and Cassian/Nesta as a means of controlling Azriel and Nesta. We are told several times throughout the series Rhys doesn’t know how to control Az and the first time we see Az try to defy him (by being with Elain) what does Rhys immediately ask??? wHaT aBoUt mOr, aZ? Such a weird thing to bring up, except it’s not when you get to the basis of all Mor and Az’s interactions and why people think Az loves Mor (he does what she says and tries to make her happy, even to his own loss) except apparently when it suits Rhys. We’ve seen the SAME vibe with Nessian, and we know Rhys has been hardcore struggling to control Nesta. I think if he saw they had some mutual attraction, faking a bond there would make sense. it would also make sense they were able to avoid/ignore each other for so long (like the bond was faded) but then have an intense connection when around each other

3) These parallels mean nothing except SJM poorly wrote both of these pairings 💔

Truly, I know NOTHING for sure but I hope SJM chooses to do something interesting with these pairs rather then leaving them with weird icky damaging histories and ignoring them. Cant be too sure but I have some hope

[mirroredmemoriez]

Cecilia thoughts-

Obviously, I don't think Cecilia is a good person, nor do I ''like'' her as one. However, from a character standpoint I can appreciate her! I think a lot of people's perceptions of her are clouded by obviously loving the pre-existing characters like John and Amanda... Which you can't blame people for!

However, from a story telling perspective? I enjoy the fact she's just an evil woman. She's money hungry and willing to step on anybody (whistles) to get what she wants. There are no excuses for what she does, she's just horrible. Of course disliking her for this is justified, I just think that it's interesting how people are willing to gloss over one evil act and condemn others. I also believe we need more unapologetically terrible women on screen, because even Amanda who is building death traps isn't actually evil- More so a deeply misguided and traumatized woman. Yes, torture and killing is morally incorrect, but a lot of the time we look at why don't we? Amanda does so because that's what she's been taught will help people and with Gabriela's death? Her reaction shows she's not desensitised to certain aspects of what she does. Cecilia on the other hand, makes people THINK she'll help them, but she knows that's not what she's doing... She's scamming them. Which to be fair is interesting, because if you compare her to John? He thinks he's helping, but obviously that's up for heavy debate, in a sense you could almost says he scams people. What I mean by this is that Amanda has not been helped, she's just a survivor. She still suffers from PTSD, shown by her grabbing her head in Saw 2 to check if the bear trap is there and also her general emotional instability throughout the entire franchise.

We've also got that fact that both women are murderers, in a ''passive'' but also hands on sense. Amanda killed Adam and Cecilia killed Gabriela, however once again it's the reasons why that we look at.

I don't know really, as previously said I'm just happy we're finally getting some more evil women on screen who aren't evil because of a traumatic or tragic backstory. Not to say those types of characters are bad, it's just overdone when it comes to female villains at least because of the way media generally portrays women.

(Also these are just my opinions! Nothing I say is gospel obviously. I’m someone with free time and way too many thoughts is all.)

[littlemisssquiggles]

Okay…I gotta talk about these last two episodes of RWBY Beyond…

As much as I liked the “Boba” episode; I mean it was very sweet for the series to finally address one of the remnant elephants in the room which was Yang and Ruby briefly discussing what happened to her in the Ever After.

I liked that Yang finally no longer needed to front the burden of leadership by herself like how it was in the past.

I like that the show finally had that point brought up because it’s been a key observation of Ruby’s role in the group for a really long time. So I’m happy we finally got this development along with other drops of info---like Tai Yang missing in action in Vacuo.

That’s interesting. What could Tai be doing if he’s not in Vacuo with everyone else? My best bet is that Tai is probably teamed up with Glynda Goodwitch since she’s also MIA and the “assignment” at hand must have something to do with the true whereabouts of the Chamber of Choice. At this point, it has to be that.

Overall, “Boba” was a sweet episode and I’m looking forward to seeing how this new detail will be used in the future. The episode left off with Ruby and Yang agreeing on using the word “boba” to signal to one another when they will need emotional support from each other moving forward and I’m looking forward to see how that will come into play down the line.

That being said, while the last episode was nice, it’s not the one that I got my attention. It’s actually the previous episode. The one with the Adventures of Somewhat. Particularly how that one ended.

That ending got me hyped.

One thing that I’ve been itching for was to have RWBY return to the Ever After. And the main reason I wanted for this return is because of Oscar.

As ya’ll know, Oscar is going through the Merge with Ozpin which he is also trying his best to fight off.

So one headcanon that I’ve been playing with is something tragic happening to Oscar to force RWBY and co to return to the Ever After in order to help him.

So my headcanon was that while in Remnant, Oscar gets poisoned by Tyrian and falls into a comatose state, twerking the lines of life of death. In order to save Oscar, Ruby and the others figure out the only way to help him lies in the Tree of the Ever After. So they have to figure out a way to get to the Ever After. Unfortunately, the only way for them to get back to the Ever After is through how they got there in the first place: through the powers of the Relic of Creation which is sadly in the possessions of Salem. Therefore, our heroes must figure out a way to regain the Staff in order to get back to the Ever After in time to help Oscar go to the Tree so he can be saved through his own form of ascension.

The portal that opened was one of the portals created through the power of the Relic of Creation. And given Somewhat’s reaction, it has to be someone that they recognize which means that whoever it is before them has either got to be Ruby or all of Team RWBY (plus Jaune).

My money is that it’s probably Ruby since Ruby was the closest to the Somewhat back when they were still Little.

Either way, this has me excited! I mean, yeah sure, I could completely be heavily mistaken about this return to the Ever After being connected to needing to save Oscar at all.

But regardless, it does at least confirm that there will be a return to the Ever After to come for V10.

Personally, as a Pinehead, I want this return to be related to helping Oscar with the Merge so badly because I can’t think of it being related to anything else but that. Unless it has to do with finding a way to stop Salem in the Ever After.

I mean, it was highlighted back in V9 that the Brother Gods were the “children” of the Tree of the Ever After. And given that Salem is a by product of the Brother Gods’ meddling, finding a solution to undoing Salem’s immortality in the very birthplace of the very Gods who made her what she is isn’t too far of a stretch. I mean it makes sense from a narrative standpoint.

But regardless of that, I’m sticking with my first hunch. I really, really want the Return to the Ever After to have to do with Oscar’s Merge and potential Ascension.

I just want it to be about taking Oscar to the Tree.

I need it to be about that because…it makes sense. Ever since ascension and the Tree were brought into RWBY’s lore, I’ve been wanting Oscar to go to the Tree since I really think it could be the key to helping with the Merge.

Either to stop it as a whole or…have Oscar go through his own form of reform and become the person he needs to become.

Of all the characters who I wanted to meet the Blacksmith, Oscar is one of them. Like he’s the perfect candidate for this kind of development.

But I dunno. These are just my wild thoughts on this subject after watching the final two episode of RWBY Beyond.

Speaking of which, that's it. That's all the episodes of RB officially out which means, as of now, that's it for RWBY until they announce something about V10.

In the mean time, these are my jumbled thoughts on the last two episodes.

~LMS (2024)

[kitchin-gryphin]

CatBoy Chaos Comparative Anatomy/Traits Post!!

I asked in the endnotes of ch. 3 of CatBoy Chaos if anyone would be interested in my thoughts about the anatomy of catboy! Danny in my fic, as someone studying animal science, and several people said yes- so here they are! Some things I’m going to talk about in this post have been mentioned in the fic already, but I’m going to elaborate more on them.

SO - Cats and Humans? Are very very different!! (shocker I know) Forcing the human body to have cat traits would realistically fuck you up real good! Just ears, a tail, and eyes is (quite literally,) surface level stuff, and imo a little boring! So here is a list with explanations of my version of Cat-Boy Danny’s traits :

1) Advantageous Cat Traits:

Improved Hearing, he can hear softer sounds, and tell directionally where sounds are coming from! (Directional hearing is something humans are really bad at)

Improved Smell! Cats obviously have a much better sense of smell than humans

Improved Night Vision - cat eyes means a “tapetum lucidum” -  a layer of reflective cells, and what causes cat’s eyes to “glow” in the dark!

Tolerance for Dehydration and Infrequent Blinking - Domestic cats descend from desert-dwelling wildcats. These traits are a result of that ancestry, and now Danny can win any staring contest!

2) Instincts!!

Discomfort with death - (mentioned in ch.2) - animals typically have an instinctual aversion to death, it’s an important survival instinct! For Half-ghost boy Danny, this makes using his ghost powers uncomfortable, and sets him on edge any time he uses them.

Prey Drive! - Cats are predators, they have a prey drive, this will be very fun for me to include, and potentially very embarrassing for Danny... 

Defensive Reactions - will absolutely hiss/bite before really thinking. Think fight or flight made more dramatic.

3) Complete Cat Dentition

Poor boy doesn’t just have the sharp “fang” canines of a cat, he has ALL cat teeth. Cats are carnivores!!! All their teeth are sharp!! 

This totally makes eating and chewing more difficult for Danny.

Hooked “sandpaper” tongue! He’s not going to lick himself, that’s gross, but he does have a hooked tongue! 

below is low quality drawing I did in class of cat vs human teeth:

4) New Dietary Considerations

Cats are OBLIGATE CARNIVORES!! On their own, cats cannot synthesize taurine - an amino acid that is absolutely vital to the body’s function! Danny’s meta gene removed his ability to synthesize it, he either needs meat in his diet, or to take a special taurine supplement. 

Regardless of wether or not he wasn’t before - Danny is ABSOLUTELY lactose intolerant now. Human’s common lactose tolerance into adulthood is unique in the animal kingdom.

Common cat poisons - In chapter 2, Danny gets sick after having a mocha latte - Coffee and Chocolate are two things cats cant have! He’s gotta be careful about what he eats now. Will everything bad for cats make him sick? No, but he doesn’t know what will or won’t.

5) Learned Muscle Control

Humans do have ear muscles, but they’re vestigial. Some people have a little control over them, which is why they can “wiggle their ears”. Suddenly for Danny, these muscles are no longer vestigial.

His tail is an entire appendage that he didn’t have before, 

Until he learns control of these muscles, any emotion shown by his tail or ears is involuntary and instinctual!!

6) Incompatible Skeletal Structure

Oh boy - human bipedalism is already such a mess structurally. From an engineering and structural standpoint, human hips and backs are so very messed up, (its why back pain is so very common). Adding a tail to that mix? yikes.... a tail is a continuation of the spine. Realistically, it would ABSOLUTELY cause severe chronic hip/back pain. It’s not something that’s going to to play a role in CatBoy Chaos, but know that i’m thinking about it and imagining how much ouch that would be.

NO RETRACTABLE CLAWS - YIKES EW NO. Retractable claws would BUTCHER human hands… A cat's retractable claws involve the bone that is equivalent to a human fingertip. I’m not doing that to Danny… ick, no, that would be really gross to me -

 here’s an image I found of what I’m trying to say - (Image Credit)

Also: some small notes about Danny and cat Stereotypes/Myths

“Cats Always Land on their feet” and landing unharmed from impossible heights - For cats, these are a result of directional awareness in the air, ability to “parachute” to slow descent, and the ability to “cushion” the impact when landing. Of these traits, the only one Danny could really have and still look like a catboy as opposed to a full-on anthro cat, is directional awareness in the air.

“Cats don’t like water” - This comes up in ch. 4, so minor spoiler until I post it this weekend, but ultimately Danny comes to his own conclusion that wet fur is not comfortable, and takes forever to dry.

“Cats & 9-lives” - well... he’s still a halfa...

Finally: Of course he purrs!!!

So There you have it! My thoughts about the anatomy of CatBoy! Danny in my fic CatBoy Chaos! 

If there’s any questions about my thoughts, I’d love to hear ‘em! 

[o-uncle-newt]

Cabin Pressure Advent Day 17: Qikiqtarjuaq

Or, if Arthur had his way, Quikiqutarjuaqu?

Q (because The Name is very annoying to type) is, as I said back in my Boston post, not one of my favorites. And I wish it were, because, like Ottery St Mary (which has its own divisive moments), it has SO many classic bits. The traveling lemon! Le bear polar! Farewell bear facts! From that perspective it's incredible.

But it has a weird tone problem, and to me, the whole thing comes back to Nancy Dean Liebhart.

Yes, yes, it's because she's American and Americans on British sitcoms are never great, fine. But I think in this case it goes beyond that, because a lot of the episode ends up circling around her and her reactions. Martin wants to impress her; Douglas seems to (though it's not explicit) want to piss her off, if it'll mean dinging Martin in the self esteem in the process; Carolyn wants to show her that she doesn't matter. (Arthur, of course, just wants to tell people bear facts. Lovely Arthur.)

To be clear- the Martin-Carolyn plotline would have happened regardless, because he's genuinely pissed about having to cancel a paying job. Their whole scene feels a little bit... almost too much? Like, Carolyn is actually pretty cruel to him in her response to his request, and Martin's rant back to her is almost too pathetic, if that makes sense. It's internally consistent from an emotional standpoint, but it feels out of sync tonally with the rest of the episode- which is one of the reasons why I felt genuine uncomfortable when Douglas wanted to continue the traveling lemon game and Carolyn was like "oh well maybe not"... because Carolyn had just had a serious come-to-Jesus moment with Martin and Douglas was still in his own stupid world about trying to be an asshole.

Because here's the thing. Douglas was SUPER unprofessional throughout. The episode knows this obviously, and acknowledges it outright in the end. There's a power struggle between Martin and Douglas about it, and we've seen that before. But the difference is... I don't think that this one was actually very funny. It just feels like Douglas being a jerk for the sake of it, and then when that ends up involving things like the Bear Polar and Captain du Creff, which are gut-bustingly hilarious, they just go together like chalk and cheese.

To get back to Nancy Dean Liebhart- it's all her fault, in my opinion. She's just not funny, and as I said about Hester Macaulay in Cremona (who I don't think was as bad as this...), she needs to either be really funny or really wrong in order for the hijinks of the plot to work, and she's neither. All of the above conflicts circling around her (entirely reasonable!) complaints, and her weirdly arbitrary decision to pick on Martin about them which of course ends up being the place where the plot starts... it's just uncomfortable because she's basically right but the episode treats her like she's ridiculous.

I'm curious if any British listeners will disagree with me on this- I'm wondering if there's just a British trope of "naggy American woman" that makes this funny in the UK. Maybe some kind of Karen trope, but where it doesn't matter what the complaint is as long as the accent is (mostly) right? I don't know. Nancy is definitely somewhat Karen-y in how she comes across and how she talks to people, but her points are largely valid (and therefore not super funny) and that's fatal for a character like her. It forces us to pay more attention to Douglas's response and how he's being deliberately spiteful specifically to screw with Martin, and to the weirdly intense Martin-Carolyn subplot, and then contrasts it with the nutty Bear Polar subplot and Arthur and his bears, which are all super silly. And it leads to it just being... strange, tonally, and not in a way that I personally like.

Without her, I think a lot of the same things COULD have happened, but they'd have happened on their own terms. We could have seen Martin be annoyed at Douglas for the Hitchcock cabin address and seen that as "Martin being a stickler" rather than "the paying customer being annoyed," and it would have been more like other similar episodes where Martin is the safe pilot and Douglas is the good one. We'd have seen Martin be annoyed about not being paid and having his paying work sabotaged, and maybe even him taking that out on Douglas a bit. And I think it would have de-intensified certain things in a way that would have helped. Nancy Dean Liebhart just fucked with the rhythms of the show and wasn't even funny enough to justify it.

This whole rant makes it seem like I hate the episode, and... I don't, really. There are too many good moments. But I have to watch it with my finger on the "skip" button.

[yupuffin]

Aside from anticipating getting my heart ripped out and stomped on during the dramatic developments that were teased in the upcoming quests, I'm also intrigued to learn more about Neuvillette because, despite apparently being notoriously impartial and proper as the Chief Justice, he does seem to have something going on: I can't tell yet if it's

a) a sense of doing things "for the greater good" b) naiveté regarding human emotional/thought processes, including his own, or c) active inconsistency/cognitive dissonance.

Or perhaps a combination of multiple factors.

He was completely unbothered by Navia lying to get into his office without an appointment (bypassing standard procedure), and now, according to the 4.1 trailer, he's apparently going to submit false charges against the Traveler to get them into the Fortress of Meropide--something that he stated earlier was taken very seriously and is itself potentially subject to criminal charges should it fail.

I'd attribute these with relative certainty to a) (possibly/partially b)) if it wasn't for one more inconsistency I noticed:

During Lyney's trial, discovering the true culprit was sufficient to acquit him without an additional verdict from the Oratrice.

However, when charges where pressed against Childe, after incriminating Marcel as the true culprit, Neuvillette subjects Childe to another round of judgment by the Oratrice, insisting that "This has always been the rule."

(Clearly not, because it apparently wasn't 'the rule' one Archon Quest ago...)

I realize that brings into consideration the additional factor of the Oratrice and how it operates, about which we still know essentially nothing--although Neuvillette apparently has a hypothesis and has previously considered the possibility of the Oratrice delivering an illogical verdict, so it's possible that I'm overthinking things, and this could simply be a subtle or backhanded way for him to produce a specific reaction from the Oratrice and hence kick-start the investigation, so to speak.

I'd hate to consider Neuvillette suspicious at all because he's so sensitive and kind on the inside that I want to believe he has nothing but good intentions, but I'm not good at speculating--I don't know enough about the story yet to draw any solid conclusions, even though some things just don't seem to add up. I think the same emotional naiveté that makes him so endearing as a character is probably a significant factor--that said, given that he's allegedly a very capable Chief Justice and has been around for hundreds of years, it's not unreasonable to believe that, in some regards, he very much knows what he's doing.

I find it especially intriguing in my particular thought process juxtaposing him with Alhaitham (my other favorite who, indeed, lives in my head rent-free), because... from a narrative standpoint, they're similar in that that they're both stoic as to be enigmatic, they both hold positions that grant them considerable autonomy, and they utilize said autonomy--as well as the abundant resources at their disposal--to assist the Traveler.

...But Alhaitham, on top of being incredibly perceptive rather than naive, is also incredibly consistent. Many players found find Alhaitham untrustworthy because he's highly self-assured and only agrees to collaborate with the Traveler under very specific conditions, with very little flexibility, refusing to bend to anyone else's will solely to appease them. As the Traveler later states, though, this actually makes him extremely reliable as an ally, because Alhaitham is candid about being primarily motivated by a strong sense of self-preservation. He's incredibly selective about how he expends his effort; he's unlikely to flat-out betray an ally because it would simply be too much work for him to set up a genuine, trusting, mutually beneficial relationship with someone, only to jeopardize it later. If he doesn't intend to cooperate, he just says so. ("Until you complete this task, you don't have question privileges" etc.)

Personally, I was inclined to wholly trust Alhaitham from the beginning due to this consistency.

Neuvillette, on the other hand, despite holding position as the Chief Justice, doesn't seem to invariably follow the rules and laws to the letter as one would expect.

As I've already stated, I do want to trust him--and indeed, he's open with the Traveler about the fact that he is actively in the process of investigating the Oratrice, and, even to him, there's just not enough information to draw any conclusions. Factoring in all of the above inconsistencies, though, I think it's as unfair to conclude that Neuvillette is downright nefarious as it is to assume, on the other extreme, that he's wholly benevolent, so I'm going to remain cautiously optimistic while I anticipate further developments from the Fontaine story in the upcoming version. 😆

[zuzsenpai]

Deep dive into my personal thoughts on determining if I am autistic. Feel free to read or not read, but please refrain from dismissive language. I'm just trying to get this stuff written down and posted, because often that's cathartic for me. TW for negativity, mentions of mental illness, and verbal/emotional abuse.

I’ve been seriously considering the idea that I’m autistic for a little over a year now (probably longer if I’m being honest), though a conversation with a good friend yesterday sparked an interest in putting everything into writing. This past year was exceptionally bad as far as mental health is concerned, and I generally assumed depression and anxiety were responsible for a lot of my issues getting worse. And that’s definitely true. But as I thought about myself and became more aware of certain traits I have and things I do and say and think outside of just a depression standpoint, I kept wondering if I’ve been framing some things wrong for years. I had always assumed that certain things I do are “wrong” and “bad” because they’re caused by depression. When in fact they might be features of myself that can be reframed and understood better and I can learn to accept them. I’ve been wondering if getting screened for autism might be useful for me. I still don’t know. A lot of the things I’m about to list sound really negative. But I want to learn how to love myself and take care of myself so that positivity can come out of this.

So anyway, here are some things I do or think that, if I get screened for autism or at least dip my toes into the community, I might be able to understand more clearly. Not all of these are signs of autism, and some can absolutely be attributed to depression or self esteem issues, which I do have. But I want to get all of this down anyway.

Social anxiety. I have a lot of it. Always have, though I tended to mask it better in school. In my 30s, I’m not forced to interact with people outside of work, so my social anxiety has only gotten worse. I’m god awful at social interactions with almost everyone. Especially in-person social interactions (online is easier, though I tend to not have much to say in online conversations). Very close friends and immediate family are the only people I feel I can speak to properly, but even then I get nervous and have to really think before I say something. I think very carefully before every social interaction, and ponder them constantly afterwards. I tend to cancel plans VERY frequently if I feel like I can’t handle being around more people than just my close friends or immediate family. And when I am with new people, I fret constantly about being perceived as awkward. Which brings me to…

I have a deep fear of being perceived as awkward or weird. Of being recognized as someone who can’t communicate normally. I feel like an alien wandering around at all times. Everything I say sounds awkward coming from my mouth. Speaking leads to embarrassment. I sit in a room filled with extended family and all I can think of is how I can seem “normal” without having to talk to them. Because of this, I have become hyperaware of visual cues/facial cues/reactions of other people around me when I’m near them or speaking to them. I always thought that “recognizing social cues” meant that I couldn’t have autism. But I think in this case, I may have just worked extra hard to notice people’s reactions because of the fear of being perceived as different. I trained myself, if that makes sense. Though sometimes I realize too late that I actually said something weird, and I stress about it for weeks. Which brings me to…

I vocal stim. Because of my horrible fear of being perceived as awkward, I tend to replay social interactions in my head over and over for days and weeks after they happen. My brain does this thing where the moment I start to think about an awkward interaction, I immediately and involuntarily say a specific word out loud. It doesn’t happen in public while I’m in the situations, but it does happen every time I think about them afterwards, usually when I’m alone. This is a frequent, daily occurrence. I think of the vocal stim as trying to help me stop thinking about the thing, or reminding me that I’m thinking about it in the first place. When I hear myself say the word, I inwardly cringe for a moment, then try to refocus on something else. The word has changed a couple times over the years, but it’s usually the name of a fictional character I really like at the time.

I know this one will sound more like severe depression, but… My executive dysfunction is bad. REAL BAD. I have entire rooms of my house filled with garbage and junk because I can’t take a single step to clean and sort. Even the idea of taking a small step is stressful for me. Organization is a huge challenge. Starting any kind of task that involves cleaning or organizing gets me confused and anxious. And often even fun hobby tasks seem impossible to start or do, because my brain constantly tells me I don’t actually want to do them.

Also I space out and can’t focus when someone, like my mom, is talking to me. She complains that I don’t listen to details when she’s talking and she claims I “do it on purpose to spite her”. When in reality, I do it without thinking. It causes poor memory issues. One specific and horrible example is from last Christmas. My mom said she wanted new pot holders for Christmas— a specific kind that aren’t “mittens” and don’t include silicone grips, but instead are made of really thick fabric. She told me this a couple times, but for some reason I couldn’t process the details, or I immediately forgot them because I didn’t write them down. I eventually told my sibling that she could get the pot holders for my mom and I would get her something else on her list. But I neglected to tell my sibling any of the details of what my mom wanted. So my sibling got her really nice, big silicone grip oven mitts. When my mom opened them, she immediately said: “this isn’t what I wanted. Kristin I told you exactly what I wanted a dozen times. Did you seriously not listen? Why don’t you listen to me?” So in essence, I had completely ruined my sibling’s gift to my mom. I broke down and started sobbing. On Christmas. In front of my family. At age 35. My mom got really angry and told me I was crying on purpose to get sympathy, and that there’s no excuse for not listening to her, and that I’m being spiteful. I tried to explain to my family that lately I’ve been feeling like my brain doesn’t work properly. I don’t know if they really “got it”. It was AWFUL. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Anyway… on to other things…

When I get a new project at work, I have to ask a lot of questions and talk it out for a while with my manager (who is very patient), pretty much every time. Just takes a while to process things. I spiral a little if I don’t have all the facts of a project right away. And speaking of not processing, please do not ask me to play a card or board game with a zillion rules. My brain shuts down. I get overwhelmed just thinking about it and I get stressed when someone invites me to play a game I’ve never played before.

I often take things people say too seriously, or it takes me a while to process what they are joking about with enough time to respond properly. I work extremely hard to mask this. I do understand sarcasm and jokes, but often I don’t know how to react to them. For instance, I have an uncle (Uncle Mike) who is notorious for saying incomprehensible shit and making inscrutable jokes about people (I’m sure you can guess that he is NOT my favorite relative). I was with him the other day, along with another uncle (Uncle Dave) who I hadn’t seen in years. My dad said something like “oh everybody’s gone through a lot of dog drama this year”. Which is true, though I personally don’t have a dog and did not have “dog drama”. Uncle Mike turned to Uncle Dave and just said offhandedly “Oh don’t bring the dog drama up around Kristin.” The comment made zero sense and I didn’t recognize it as a bizarre joke right away (he didn’t even know my cat was sick). So I felt the need to defend myself to my other uncle. I turned to Uncle Dave and said “well no, I don’t have dog drama but I do have cat drama. My cat was sick and had surgery, but he’s doing a lot better now.” Then I kind of went off on a tangent explaining the cat’s surgery. My Uncle in turn had no idea how to react to this. So I felt extremely awkward afterwards and sat there quietly contemplating how fucking awkward I am and how I can’t take a joke (even when the jokes are inscrutable). Anyway.

I get VERY overstimulated and anxious when my parents force me to come with them to local hockey games (they love going). I despise it. The competitiveness, the angry fans, the tension, the fighting on the ice… it’s awful. It sounds weird and counterintuitive, but I’m able to distract myself with the advertisements on the digital screens and the Jumbotron. But actually watching the game? Can’t do it. Serious overstimulation.

I have physical tics. I’ve cycled through different ones over the years— digging my fingernail into my palm, licking my lips, torso and neck twisting… etc.

I eat the same food every day. Takes A LOT to get me to branch out. I’m really picky. There are foods (like cheese, garlic, and fish) that just the idea of eating them makes me physically ill. I’ve actually puked from smelling mac & cheese and garlic pretzels cooking in the oven. I don’t have food texture issues, but I’m hypersensitive to taste and smell. I gag ALL the time when trying new foods, so I tend to avoid them.

I do hyperfixate on occasion. It’s not particularly extreme, but it does occur. Especially when I am too burnt out to do anything else, I find a single thing I really like doing at the time and become consumed by doing that one thing that makes me happy. Whether it’s writing fanfic for days on end or editing Digimon BGM or identifying bugs, I tend to ignore other tasks in favor of that one thing.

And finally, the suspected autistic burnout, which I am experiencing right now. I went through a VERY stressful August with my cat needing emergency surgery and his anxiety-inducing recovery. During that time and since then, my brain has been completely unable to start or focus on ANY task. I mindlessly scroll tumblr wishing I could do anything other than that, but feeling anxiety when I try. I’m exhausted. Everything makes me exhausted. Existing makes me mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been really withdrawn.

Anyway, in general, I’ve always felt that I didn’t have traits that would get me diagnosed as autistic. And there’s a good chance I won’t be diagnosed. But I do have some traits. Maybe? My problem is fear of not being accepted and understood, because people in my life will think I’m “too old to be diagnosed” or “exaggerating” or “just have depression”. I have a childhood friend who got diagnosed a few years ago. When she told her mom she had autism, her mom was insulted, angry, and dismissive. Her mom brought out the “is it my fault? Was I a bad mother? There’s no way my child has autism” cards. Knowing my own mother and how she reacts to anything I tell her about myself, she would do the same thing. She would tell me I’m over-exaggerating and making stuff up in my head. And having my mom be insulted by my autism is a deep fear, because when she says dismissive things, they tend to burn into my mind for eternity. Like when I was 21 and she told me “don’t think you’re gay just because your friends are gay.” GOD that was a bad one. That one line held me back from understanding my sexuality for well over a decade, and it still haunts the back of my mind. I can’t imagine what her dismissing me as neurodivergent would do. The fight and guilt tripping and dismissiveness it would cause would be outrageously terrible for my mental health. My mom is staunchly anti-psychiatry, so I guess I will never EVER tell her. Maybe her acceptance wouldn’t make me feel better anyway.

But other people’s acceptances— the people who truly matter— might be what I’m looking for. I don’t know what to make of anything I just wrote down. I said a lot of things about myself… and it would be nice to frame some of them more positively, and to work on certain things with a better knowledge of who I am.

[iindigoeyed]

A detail I noticed about Feast

Feast (S3E15) is a very important episode for many reasons: it gives us Fu's backstory and origins of the miracle box, it hammers home the element of emotions when creating sentibeings, it restores the Tibetan temple and causes a chain reaction that is relevant later in the series (namely with Su Han), Mayura is there... but I rewatched it recently and I noticed a detail near the end that I believe to be foreshadowing.

At the end of Feast, our heroes defeat the sentimonster by entering it and cataclysm-ing Fu's staff with the amuk in it. Once Ladybug casts her Miraculous Ladybug and returns the world to normal, the Guardian Temple reappears and we can see the news reporting on it:

As the news is reporting on the temple, a few people can be seen watching (or listening). Those would be Gabriel and Nathalie, Tomoe, Alya, and Audrey Bourgeois.

Gabriel and Nathalie makes sense. They are Hawkmoth and Mayura, after all-- and Gabriel used the peacock with Emilie to create Adrien. Tomoe again is understandable, as she is a close ally to Hawkmoth and possibly used the peacock miraculous to create Kagami (which is all but confirmed in canon at this point.) And Alya herself is the catalyst for this episode's events: she brings Marinette to the Louvre where the dormant sentimonster is, shows Marinette her findings about the guardian symbol, and publishes those findings on her Ladyblog which HM & Mayura then discover. She's also a Miraculous holder too.

Now, why is Audrey watching the news? From a meta standpoint there's no need to show her in this scene since she isn't of the same importance that the others are. Hell, Audrey wasn't even in this episode before then. Even if her daughter is a Miraculous holder, Audrey has no reason to be interested in the Temple...

...unless, of course, she has some connection to the Miraculous.

As an aside... I'm not sure exactly what this means. If Audrey used the peacock to create Chloe like many believe, surely Audrey or Andre would've fallen ill like predecessors Emilie and Colt did. You could argue that she used the peacock miraculous to create Zoe as we've never seen Zoe's dad and aren't sure he's even alive, but considering this was in season 3 before Zoe was even introduced to us I have my doubts to believe this was the intent. Or maybe there's some unseen third option that I don't know about.

Regardless, this seems like pretty obvious foreshadowing to me. Even if this ends up going nowhere it's interesting to recontextualize it knowing everything that we know now. I don't think we've seen the last of Chloe or of her family quite yet (even if the writers want us to think we have.)

[01zfan]

I read your "not mine" sungchan fic and first of all I loved your characterization (I forgot I was reading about him I was just in for the plot atp) and something your fics always manage to do is break my heart and remold it after.

I wanted to know how you think sungchan would have reacted if he was still a bit of a coward and didn't confront his gf and that one night after sleeping with reader, she tells him that she has a date or someone confessed to her? Reader was always there and was satisfied even with not being completely his and him not being completely her but the prospect of losing even the little bit of her he had? How would he react ? Would it be his final push ?

Anyway don't forget to stay hydrated I hope both sides of your pillows are always cold <3

first of all, thank you for reading! i really like that you were able to become invested not purely from a fanfiction standpoint which i really appreciate! also the question is interesting and got my mind running a lil....walk with me...

i think that initially she wouldn't even entertain the idea of having someone else. between her being very much in love with sungchan and the fact that she wasn't really looking for anything she is okay with being single. but if sungchan left that night, and he kept dating his girlfriend i could see her trying to break out of her feelings for sungchan by hooking up with somebody. trying to get him out of her system or something along the lines of "if it's just sex i can find that anywhere". maybe sungchan hears about it through the grapevine or comes to the conclusion himself after you dodge his calls for a while.

when it comes time for the booty call it ends up being a date. you think it's all a ruse just to get in your pants but the guy doesn't even ask to come to your apartment and asks to see you again. you agree, high off the fact that someone can be with you out in the open.

i'm not sure how sungchan would find out, maybe you tell him just to get his reaction. maybe the guy you went on a date with is someone who runs in the same circle as sungchan. maybe it's a friend of his girlfriend omg....regardless, when he finds out he is broken. i see him as the possessive type, also as someone who is built for devotion. but he's also really nonconfrontational about the situation because he knows technically you're not his and he's the one that's stopping you two from being together. i think it would kill him though to not have you anymore, but i don't think it would make him leave his current girlfriend. if anything i think it would only drive him into her more like he's punishing himself for losing the good thing he had :( like this is his bed and now he has to lay in it. he would secretly be waiting for you to come back to him, and he would feel so selfish and terrible when he'd hope that the second date doesn't go well.

i think the next time the two of them would meet up, it would be such a struggle of power...not even in the dominant sense but the complete opposite...like both of them just trying to figure out how to please the other and how to be the one EVEN THOUGH THEY LITERALLY ALREADY ARE THAT FOR EACHOTHER. especially if sungchan thinks you already had sex with the guy. he'd either be the most submissive version of himself or let himself finally be competitive and possesive (little does he know he's literally only competing with himself because you did NOT fuck that guy) regardless he would be an absolute mess by the end of it.

now after everything sungchan would casually bring up the guy trying to seem nonchalant. you would get mad and maybe bring up the fact that his girlfriend is the one who introduced the two of you. first time the two ever fight and their relationship officially crosses the threshold of being the most complicated it's ever been. aghhhh imagine the emotions before sungchan leaves... both of you are just standing there in the same place where you both first had fooled around waiting for the other to crumble first.

but UHMMMM to answer your question i genuinely don't sungchan would call it off until you told him to. but you wouldn't tell him because you need him to act on his own volition to know that it's real.

[batrachised]

I have another theory to add to why people don't remember/like/care about Teddy and Emily/Teddy much. The ending to Emily's Quest is so bad (imo) from both a literary and an emotional standpoint that no one has any time or motivation to form any sort of attachment to them as a couple or Teddy, who has been largely absent in the book, as an individual.

(I say knowledgeably having read this series exactly once as an adult.)

I FINISHED MY REREAD so I feel I can answer this question.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I went into the remaining books of the series expecting Teddy to finally talk - in emily climbs we have the graveyard scene where they nearly kiss at the beginning- and it just...never happened. I didn't count the number of times he spoke, or even the number of times Emily and him interacted, but they seemed fairly few. In fact, if I were to rank Emily's love interests by the amount of attention they receive, it would be:

Emily's writing

Dean

Teddy

(Perry should be above Teddy but he doesn't really count)

The books consistently present Emily's ambitions/passion as a competitor to love. Dean will be about to kiss her, or she'll nearly cross some similar threshold--and then she'll think of a story (and I love that for her, she reminds me so much of Pat and I'm curious to know if this happened to LMM lmao). Dean also figures prominently in these books and actually has conversations (does anyone else straight up not believe he'd be content with a corner in Emily's house? Lmm was very vague about the number of years at the end of Emily's quest, but I can't imagine it to be decades) with Emily.

Regarding the ending, I feel like it felt...almost random. Emily's pride combined with Mrs Kent being insane (how many animals has this woman poisoned??) results in a mostly passive conflict. Emily and Teddy don't fight--they don't speak. This follows a relationship which mostly consists of thinking about each other. The sharpest conflict we get is when Teddy says he hated the star that represented Emily, and it's one of the most potent scenes in the book!

teddy seems a lot of tell and not show. We get told he's gentle, but that mostly consistent of him not doing something (IE, putting up with his mother). We get told he's a brilliant artist, but unfortunately this doesn't translate easily through text, unlike Perry's tenacity and Ilse's aggressive vibrancy. I do think the detail of him putting Emily into every girl he draws is a nice touch! But it's just a touch. We get told by Ilse, a potentially unreliable source, that Teddy is selfish, but we never really see that at length. To be fair, I am brushing over a lot of plot details here where Emily watches teddy do something or teddy makes a choice (ie staying in Europe so forth), but as always with our Teddy Kent--most of those occur from a distance.

Genuinely, I feel like we got more details about who MARK GREAVES is as a person than Teddy Kent (for all Emily looked down on him, well, he reminded me of her hahahaha). From what we do see, Teddy seems interesting. He can read Emily very well. He understands Emily's ambitions. He has a similar keen artistic sense. But again, a lot of these details are told to us, not shown.

That's what leads up to the ending of Teddy being left at the altar--which, again, we don't get to see his reaction on screen--then Emily basically being very depressed for years, and then him randomly returning. I don't know if you ever read the Pat series, but the ending here is actually very similar. A near absent hero returns after making his artistic name in far distant lands and BAM the couple is together, despite very little interaction in the book. Especially with Emily, I feel like there's a missing scene in between them not speaking for years and them basically immediately being like we do love each other. At the least, a sentence where Emily hesitates because of her pride would have added some texture. I'll end by saying all of this is obviously personal preference - I tend to not enjoy the dreamy artist love interests in the first place, so obviously I'm biased. But I do wish we had seen more of Teddy on screen, and Teddy engaging with Emily. I think the conflict of the third book was silence, and in being silence, it felt empty.

[cto10121]

I vaguely remember reading an essay once that tried to argue in favor of shipping Romeo/Mercutio from a serious, academic standpoint, citing all the usual clown take "problems" with Romeo/Juliet (Rosaline, Juliet's age, etc.), and then pointing out that at the tragedy's central turning point, Romeo "chooses Mercutio over Juliet" by killing Tybalt to avenge Mercutio's death. Maybe that "Twilight" commentator thought that was the correct reading.

How clownery begets more clownery. And it all begins with the academic fandom. Color me unsurprised.

No, Romeo does not choose Mercutio in avenging him. He chooses honor culture, which is a distinction Shakespeare is very careful to make.

I’ve already talked about how Romeo’s initial reaction to Mercutio’s injury comes with curious deliberation on his part, in contrast to the split-second rashness favored by other adaptations. In his mini-monologue Romeo first describes Mercutio as “the Prince’s near ally” before he describes him as his friend, and Tybalt as his newest cousin. This suggests that social status was first and foremost on his mind.

And then there are his lines about Juliet’s ~feminizing influence softening “valor’s steel.” More precisely and revealingly, it’s her “beauty.” To Romeo Juliet doesn’t even have to do anything—she influences Romeo just by existing.

Benvolio then enters and tells Romeo that Mercutio is dead, in language best suited for a fallen warrior: “brave Mercutio is dead,” “a gallant spirit” that “too untimely here did scorn the earth.” But it’s Romeo’s reaction that is most curious: “This day’s black fate on more days doth depend. / This but begins the woe others must end.”

A death of nigh cosmic significance is one that, to Romeo’s mind, others must end. Other days? Other men? There is a clear longing for justice, but almost abstract, and Romeo doesn’t seem to act as any agent here. It’s only when Tybalt returns (an awkward and unnecessary stage direction that may just have been intended on Shakespeare’s part) that spurs Romeo into action, grief, and finally anger.

It seems clear to me that Shakespeare’s purpose in illustrating Romeo’s true motivations in dueling Tybalt made him slow the action and momentum of this scene drastically, risking boredom in his fickle audience. This isn’t, these lines suggests, just about Mercutio and Romeo’s relationship with him. It’s about honor culture and the role Romeo realizes he had scanted. In accepting that role again in avenging Mercutio, Romeo goes against his own character, his love, and even his own friendship with Mercutio.

In our modern world that honor culture is almost dead except in mafia/gangster circles, so this is often missed. The influences of modern adaptations that decide to take shortcuts for time or spectacle is also a factor. But Shakespeare definitely had lived experience with duels, with some of his friends engaging in and even being killed or injured by them. He knew that emotion had nothing to do with duels, much less love.

Anyway, tl;dr, Shakespeare was concerned with honor culture and slash shipping based on that dynamic just doesn’t make sense. There is literally no homosexual explanation for any of this.

[andi-o-geyser]

im curious how you feel about how the lady vex moment was done in the show?

as someone who is only starting to watch the campaign (so i’ve seen just clips of that moment and not the whole thing) and who also watched the cr watch party as they explained it, i quite like how it was done. the intent and meaning was there so from a perc’ahlia standpoint i’d say it works (esp since they are still developing that relationship and they aren’t as close as in the stream i think) but also syldor’s (at least the show’s version) reaction felt appropriate and allowed for vex to stand up to him and for that to be the main part of the moment imo

Thanks for the ask! I’ve had some… conflicting feelings about the Lady Vex’ahlia moment, which I do think is in part due to me having built it up so much in my head over time. It’s such an incredible moment in the stream, and the victory of Syldor having to accept the title was lost in TLoVM which really threw me off. That being said, with a week to rewatch it and let my feelings about it settle, I’ve warmed up to the animated version much more. Objectively I think they did it wonderfully, and just like you said, the way Syldor didn’t accept it made much more sense in this context. They had so much more time to fit nuance with Syldor into the stream, but here they needed to make him an absolute asshole to convey the insecurity of the twins. it would have been a bit hollow if Vex so quickly had a win when Percy one-upped her father because that would have made her sadness and willingness to go with Saundor much less clear. Taking that win away from her in the show I think made this version hit much harder than it otherwise would have. The scene works perfectly in the stream as is, but TLOVM simply is not the stream. That's not to say TLOVM doesn't have its weaknesses, but as much as I first did, I no longer believe this moment is one of them.

I also think adding the new scene of Percy and Vex talking afterwards made it all come together really nicely. They haven't had nearly as much time to develop Percy and Vex’s relationship, so as much as I wanted more Perc'ahlia it almost would have been too abrupt for them to suddenly act the way they did with each other in the stream. In the stream, Vex was ecstatic with Percy and even gave him a kiss on the cheek, and that simply wouldn't have fit here (as much as I adore that scene). That deep feeling of the upset of not being able to rattle somebody so awful, and just like Vex said, telling them to fuck off usually feels like it hurts you more. Having her express those feelings gave her comfort while also not fixing her issues, so the audience can understand why she then has an emotional struggle with Saundor. I know that they have much more to squeeze in, and I think it will always take me some time to get used to the changes, but once I do it’s really fun to be able to appreciate them as a different medium. The stream will always be there, and I can always go back and watch the (absolutely marvellous by the way if you haven’t seen it) “I’ve known a lot of people with money” and “it’s Lady Vex'ahlia” scenes. Still, I think the way they adapted it was super well done and has made me more excited about it as time has gone on. I think you’re absolutely right about how the appropriate reaction from Syldor and Vex talking back to him worked here, and I’m so glad to see that people are enjoying it. As the expectations of it have worn off a bit for me I’ve been able to have much more fun with it as well :)

Also if you haven’t, I would HIGHLY suggest going to watch any Perc'ahlia scenes in the Feywild. The arc is much (by usual TV standards, but it's not actually too many CR episodes) longer in the streams and all of VM is there, and it’s so so enjoyable as a short few episodes of dumb fun and daddy issues. The “they are definitely not worth you” exchange is also objectively incredible in the stream and makes me lose my mind every time I watch it, so while they couldn’t fit it in its entirety, which is totally fine, I think it should be required viewing for everyone because it’s one of the most heartfelt Perc'ahlia scenes hands down.

[booksandchainmail]

Pale Arc 1

When I read Worm, I wasn't that much older than Taylor, and I think she tends to read as older than 15 anyways. Blake and Victoria are adults, and the Lambs in Twig are so far removed from our world that their age doesn't feel too relevant. But here, the main characters are distinctly and realistically-feeling thirteen years old, and I am getting very strong "Why are these children in deadly peril" feelings. To be clear, I'm not objecting to this, it's just intensifying my reactions. Even more than the supernatural dangers, each of their personal and emotional problems has been causing twin feelings of "Oh no you are way too young to have to be dealing with that" and "No, that makes sense for that age to go through"

Not sure I have much in the way of plot theories or predictions. I'm interested to see where things go with the Hungry Choir from here. I don't think what they did counts as fighting the choir? Since they didn't try to stop the ritual, just help people through it. But I'd imagine they can't just keep doing that, which leads to the issue of whether to let the Choir keep operating or try and stop them (which I think their oaths during the awakening might stop them from doing).

No strong ideas on who killed the Carmine Beast. From a narrative standpoint I don't think it was Miss, because she is too blatantly suspicious, but there's something more going on with her. I'll probably be referring back to Lucy's notes as I got forward and try to piece together clues (I do not have high hopes for my success). On that note, I've really been liking the extra materials linked to some chapters, but they have been making me mentally refer to this as the Pale Multimedia Project.

From a practical perspective, liveblogging has been forcing me to slow down and process each chapter. I've been trying to have a post for every chapter, which means I have to have at least one coherent thought. I've been spending more time trying to analyze the characters and theorize about what's going on, rather than just racing through until where I can get answers. In a way, this form of reading feels close to when I am caught up with a serialized work, and after each new section I have a wait in which to think through it. The downside of this is that it does slow me down, and also limits the circumstances under which I'm reading. We'll see how it goes as I get more invested and less willing to pause.

I'll be going right into arc 2, barring any life things getting in the way of my reading time.

[homophyte]

thank you for the long & thought out response. while i do fully agree with you on stances like prison abolition & the myth of the stranger pedophile scapegoat, my question and discomfort with jimmy’s actions comes not so much from a political/philosophical standpoint but from a very human emphatic one. i put myself in the shoes of the girl he groomed and abused and imagine people listening to and enjoying the music of my abuser and it makes me sick to my stomach. so thats more where my guilt and discomfort comes from. that said i can’t say that their music doesn’t have an impact or isn’t enjoyable. i also agree with you that this mass outrage and very public renunciation and demand for punishment is very much a social mechanism and automatic reaction that quite simplifies a complex situation. however these mechanisms exist for a certain evolutionary purpose after all (sorry my background is psychology) but thats sort of besides the point because im also not a fan of how these things get handled with zero nuance. 

its also true what you said that me or you or anyone deciding to disengage with this band or their music changes nothing in the grand scheme of things, so doing it as some sort of Noble Cause against abuse is useless. so in this case i feel it’s up to personal preference and whether or not i can swallow the cognitive dissonance and discomfort this information arises in me whenever i listen to their music from now on. 

thanks again for the insightful response, i’m glad we can have this sort of discussion because i also think this topic is extremely important but people often shy away from it because it’s so heavy. 

im glad you asked me to share! like i said ive spent a lot of time thinking abt this specifically so its very much like years worth of mishmash thoughts kinda strung together only by me experiencing them over time in succession lol. but i agree its important to talk about it especially within a culture so ensnared in the logic of the prison and particularly how effectively thats been exported into like 'mob justice' for lack of a better word.

re: the emotive aspect im not sure i have much to say other than like Yeah its a very strong one and i dont think its a bad thing at all to have. i got the impression from ur ask--and idk how true this is--that you were wrestling between a desire to return to the music bc you enjoyed it and that response preventing you and feeling a sort of obligation to do one over the other n struggling with that. so i think i approached it as like 'heres ways you can reason w that emotional response and grapple w it if its smth ur agonizing over' or something like that. im also a firm believer in the ways politics shapes the ways we think n feel so my instinct was to tease out some of the structures that may be shaping ur thought processes--which of course i nor anyone but you can fully know. but i dont get that same sense from how u describe it here and either way i think whatever feeling ur having about it is like...i dont want to say its 'valid' but ur allowed to have that and do whatever you want pretty much lol. i cant and am not going to force anyone to engage w the band and theres probably more reasons than i could think to list why its not for everyone even without the sordidness of abuse hanging over it.

without getting into a much much broader discussion i would gently push back on the idea of a biologically innate reason for the existence of carceral/punitive logics (and frankly psychology more broadly), if only bc it does a lot of the work of justifying them. keep in mind that these are concepts ideas and patterns of thought that exist because they serve systems of power and particularly the state. we did not have to have a society which created them, we only happen to--which is to say theyre not innate in this way and i disagree that they have an 'evolutionary' purpose bc it fails to properly historicize them. but thats me coming from an antipsych position lol

[franklyautistic]

Autism and self-control

“Self-control” is not something you immediately associate with autism, but nonetheless, the two concepts are inter-related. Many autism symptoms have some relationship to self-control.

In this post, I will examine how autism and self-control relate in a critical manner, from a neurodiversity standpoint.

Firstly, what is self-control? The definition I will be using is “the ability to manage impulses, emotions, and behaviours to achieve long-term goals”. Self-control is about sacrificing short-term satisfaction for long-term gain.

Special interests and self-control

Special interests are particularly intense focuses on specific topics which are enjoyed by autistic people and autistic cousins. From an NT perspective, autistic people often seem overly pre-occupied with their special interests. We can talk about them “too much”. They occupy large portions of our time. A more neutral perspective would highlight the pleasure that engaging in special interests can give us, as well as the knowledge and skills we can gain.

There is, however, some evidence that special interests can sometimes lead to a breakdown in self-control. For example, a study asked children to select their favourite from a group of images, and then avoid selecting that image again when it popped up. Autistic children were more likely to keep selecting that image than allistic children.

Studies to one side, I am sure you, as an autistic person, can probably think of a time when engaging in your special interest meant that you forgot to eat or go to bed. There is an interaction with self-control there.

Social skills and self-control

Autistic people are often not good at socialising with NTs. Indeed, this is the symptom that is most apparent to NTs. Some autistic people can seem overly forthcoming: for example, talking excessively about their special interests to people who are not interested, or attempting to maintain a friendship when it is apparent that the other person is not interested.

Equally, though, social anxiety is a common feature of life for autistic people. This is the opposite of a lack of self-control. It is excessive concern about how one is being perceived to the point that it interferes with socialising. People with social anxiety will avoid socialising, not out of self-knowledge, but out of fear.

My experience is that most autistic people will learn to restrict the amount that they talk about their special interests. This is an illustration of autistic people’s ability to exercise self-control. There is a healthy balance to be struck between social anxiety and social domination. Ideally, a constructive relationship is one where both sides make room for the other to talk about their interests, while also setting and following firm boundaries.

Sensory Issues and self-control

Autistic people often have difficulties with our senses. We can be more sensitive or less sensitive to bright lights, loud sounds, temperature, heat, or strong tastes. Sometimes our sensitivities may even seem paradoxical to NTs - we might be extra sensitive in one scenario, but under sensitive in another.

Some may try to frame autistic reactions to unpleasant stimuli as an issue of self-control. Loud noises? Just expose yourself to them and learn to live with them! However, I think this is of limited use.

Routine, familiarity, and self-control

Autistic people are known for our preference for routine, predictability, familiarity, and regularity.

While it is rarely framed this way, I believe autistic preference for routine is actually an expression of self-control, at least in part. Routines can be a way of managing our behaviour to make sure that we get important things done, like eating or brush our teeth.

Self-control and black-and-white thinking

Autistic people often live our lives by rigid rules. In my experience, this allows for quite powerful self-control in certain situations. For example, I earn more money than I spend. It would be quite easy for me to decide to spend the money I earn on things like fancy holidays, up-market food, or designer clothes. But for me, one of my “rules” is that I don’t do that. I mostly buy only things I need and try to save money so that I can be financially independent. This isn’t better or worse than buying things, but it is my preference. It seems to be easier for me to live according to this preference than it is for most people.

Similarly, my impression seems to be that autistic people are better at disciplining themselves to follow rules like “don’t drink”, “don’t abuse people”, or “don’t break the speed limit”. We have strong moral codes and tend to follow those codes.

In General

What constitutes “self-control” should always be defined by the individual. This is because self-control is about the pursuit of the individual’s own goals. If your only goal in life is to rewatch the same TV show, then that is valid - you aren’t exhibiting a lack of self-control if that is what you do. If you are regularly procrastinating when you would rather be doing something more fun or rewarding (at this point, I am staring at myself in the mirror), then you might benefit from practising self-control.

On the other hand, if your long-term goals (whether that’s “maintain good relationships with friends” or “get a better job” or “write that damn novel” or “watch more anime”) are not things that your parents, teachers, therapists, or whoever think you should be focusing on, that isn’t a self-control issue. It could, theoretically, still be an issue - you should care about dental hygiene, for example - but it isn’t an issue of self-control, it is an issue about determining priorities. If you don’t see the point of brushing your teeth, that isn’t self-control. If you see the point of brushing your teeth, but keep getting distracted, or bored, or whatever, then that is a self-control issue.

Self-control is not necessarily easy. Various things might make it harder for autistic people to seem to exhibit the same control as allistic people. Equally, there may be scenarios where it is easier for autistic people to control themselves.

Conclusion

Autism and self-control are related, but not in a straightforward manner. There are some scenarios, particularly around special interests, where autistic people may display less self-control. There are others, especially around routines and ethics, where autistic people may display more self-control. In some scenarios, there may be disagreement about the degree of self-control being exhibited. It is important to judge any individual’s self-control against their personal goals, not the goals other set for them.

[fireemblems24]

Disagree with what you said about the Nabateans and Agarthan conflict being the least relevant to Verdant Wind. Most of the GD have been personally affected by TWSID. And well, Dimitri and Edelgard don’t really care about the origins of Crests or Relics and Byleth isn’t their priority in their stories while Claude makes Byleth one of his priorities. Verdant Wind isn’t really a Claude route so much as a Claude & Byleth route. It’s in the title after all. Verdant is a word associated with vegetation which is something Byleth is compared to and explicitly paired with Claude’s wind in route by Marianne. Once you look at it from the POV of it being a Claude and Byleth route, I think it makes more sense. CF and AM are not like that as Byleth takes a backseat to Dimitri and Edelgard once you get past the timeskip for those routes as Byleth’s role there is to keep Dimitri and Edelgard grounded not a priority of the story because there’s no room for Byleth in their stories.

That's fair. I still disagree, but I get where you're coming from.

I do agree that neither Edelgard nor Dimitri show much interest in learning the origin of crests and relics and that uncovering those secrets is far more relevant to Claude.

But from an emotional/drama standpoint, both Edelgard and Dimitri are more tangled up in TWSITD. And the Nabatean stuff should've been explored more in SS. What I mean here is like, we learn that relics are made from Nabatean bones, but no one in GW cares. There's no reaction to it. It's as dry as a fact like "the sky is blue" in GW. In SS, revealing that to Byleth would've carried more emotion because it would've been Rhea, Seteth, or Flayn saying it to someone they care about.

It's the same with TWSITD too. For Claude, they're like an annoying roadblock on his way to other things, but Edelgard and Dimitri have much more personal beef with them. I will though give you Lysithea.

I also don't think Claude made Byleth his priority either. Claude seems the least emotional of all the lords and his relationship with Byleth feels the most mundane. While you could argue it's the only healthy one because of that, you could also argue one of Claude's biggest faults is his struggle to sometimes see people as people and not pieces of a puzzle he's trying to figure out or tools to accomplish something. Claude, and Edelgard at first, really see Byleth only as a useful or potentially threatening tool to their goals. For Edelgard, it later becomes obvious (arguably too obvious) that Byleth matters to her as a person, but Claude always keeps a cool distance from just about everyone. It's part of what makes him more interesting by having real faults, but I honestly think Byleth's bigger role in GW isn't because Claude is so worried about discovering Byleth's secrets (that's SS and CS pretty much anyways), but that GW is just very similar to SS and Claude kinda got screwed by the writing team by not properly tying his wants and goals into the larger story enough.