#which means i have many naked critters

[the-french-belphegor]

So I wrote down three fic ideas for @critter-genfic-events's bingo card, one funny, one bittersweet, and one bittersweet with a heavy helping of sad, and for some reason my brain went "SAD. SAD FIRST", so here I am. Writing something with cuddling/missing someone/angst/post-campaign. I'll post it on AO3 (user name "Belphegor") ASAP.

—

The night was soft, warm, and silent. Pike barely heard the bedroom door open and a quiet footfall pad closer, floating as she was in that particular state between half-asleep and half-awake. She liked to try to stay up on the nights Scanlan played a Westruun tavern, but she was so comfortable despite the empty spot in the bed that she’d given up fighting off sleep long ago.

The mattress dipped a little on Scanlan’s side, tipping the balance towards consciousness. Then, surprisingly, nothing happened for a few long seconds.

Outside, an owl hooted.

“How’d it go?” she murmured eventually. Through the mattress she felt her boyfriend give a start.

“Sorry,” he said in a low voice. “Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Eh. I wasn’t sleeping anyway.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yup, absolutely,” she mumbled around a smile, very aware that she was slurring her words so much only someone who’d known her for as long as Scanlan had could make sense of them. Burying her face into the pillow probably didn’t help, either.

Scanlan didn’t make a witty remark or huff out a laugh. From what she could feel, he didn’t even move from his spot.

The silence and stillness jarred Pike awake completely.

“Scanlan?” she asked, rubbing her eyes to get them to focus faster. “Is everything okay?”

He was sitting on the edge of the bed with one leg tucked under him, bare-chested but wearing the short loose trousers he liked to sleep with.

(Scanlan liked to keep pants on at night in case of emergencies – or in case Grog barged in, which did happen occasionally. Pike had slept naked for four decades, most of them under the same roof as or a stone’s throw from her adopted brother, and saw no reason for things to change.)

When she spoke, he half turned to her and schooled his face into a smile instead of the half-lost look she could have sworn had been there a second ago.

“Sure. I should play the Golden Buck more often. You should see the fortune I made in tips!”

But the thing was, if Scanlan had known her long enough to decipher her words even when she was drunk, exhausted, or loopy from blood loss, Pike had learned a thing or two about him in that time, too. Kaylie remained the only person in existence who could tell in a heartbeat when he was lying, but Pike was getting pretty good at that as well.

She sat up and scooted closer. He’d placed a small candleholder on his bedside table, most likely to avoid tripping in the dark; the tiny flickering flame outlined the slope of his shoulders, the ridges of his worst scars, the vulnerable spot where his neck met his shoulder that she loved to kiss.

No point in calling him out for lying, even by omission. That would only be stating the obvious. Thus Pike jumped directly to the next logical step.

“What’s wrong?” she asked softly.

Scanlan’s shoulders slumped a little.

“Nothing. Just…” Emotion rippled across his face, like a breeze on water, and something about him crumbled. “Somebody requested ‘The Raven’s Wings’ again.”

Oh.

Scanlan had written many songs since the rise and fall of Vecna, mostly about Vox Machina. (Many were about Pike in some way or another. Her favourite of those was probably ‘The Lady’s Favour’, a cheerful ballad with the kind of lyrics that had to be sung after making sure the kids had all gone to bed.) A few of them were about Vax, of course, some cheeky, some solemn. ‘The Raven’s Wings’ was melancholic and haunting and unabashedly heartfelt; Scanlan had written most of it in one night while getting absolutely shitfaced with Pike and Grog. It had taken all of Pike’s powers of persuasion to convince him to actually make a real song out of it instead of burning the stained paper he’d scribbled the lyrics on.

She loved that song. Sometimes the melody snuck into her mind unexpectedly, and it felt both like poking a bruise and soothing an old hurt.

But she suspected it was somewhat different for Scanlan. Like everyone else, really.

Scanlan shivered a little when she gingerly wrapped herself around him from behind, skin to skin, scars to scars.

“It is a beautiful song, you know,” she said softly. “He’d love it.”

“It’s sappy, though.”

“What’s wrong with that?” The fact that Scanlan didn’t have a rejoinder was a good sign. Or a bad one, depending. “It’s a lovely tribute.”

This drew a sharp sigh from beneath her hands. She held him just a little tighter and waited.

“Yeah, but that’s… That’s it, it’s just a tribute. It doesn’t even say anything important about him. There’s nothing about what he was like, or… You know, like he was both really simple and really complex at the same time? I mean, he was such a shit, and he could brood worse than Percy, but also he was this ray of sunshine when he was happy… And he laughed, and he cried, and he wore his heart on his fucking sleeve and he let the whole world see it like it didn’t matter, and I never…”

He let out something that might have been a chuckle if not for the catch in his throat.

“I meant to ask him how he did that. Missed my shot in the end.”

“He made it look real easy,” murmured Pike, putting her chin on his collarbone, “but it’s really hard. But… I guess sometimes we do need reminders that it’s okay to, you know, feel things and show it. Even the bad stuff.” She paused. “Like the world’s not gonna stop because I say out loud that my friend is dead, and I miss my friend, and I’m sad.”

The worst thing about losing someone dear, Pike had found, were the regrets. The I should haves. The might have beens. She knew Scanlan still carried the weight of the wish he didn’t get to make; Scanlan knew about the quiet poisoned voice in her heart that sometimes whispered that her words to Vax – if the Raven Queen fucks with you, or hurts you, or doesn’t change you for the better, then she’s going to have to deal with me, and we’re going to have a problem – turned out to be meaningless and empty promises. She hadn’t been able to save him any more than Scanlan had, or any of them.

But at least she’d learned to stop pretending she was fine so everybody else could be okay. And start remembering they had each other to be not okay with.

Scanlan shifted a little in her arms to press a kiss into her temple and rested his forehead there for a moment.

And he prided himself on his words, that man of hers, but he didn’t give himself enough credit for his silences.

After a while, she asked him in a low voice, “Did you play the song?”

A two-tone hum answered her, then a wry chuckle. “I mean, I had asked for requests. And I know it’s not, you know, terrible music. Just… I could write all the songs I want and it still wouldn’t do him justice.” A beat. “What would you say? In a song about Vax, I mean. What would you like remembered?”

A soft smile with sharp edges. Warmth shining through sadness. Long hands with clever fingers, always gentle, even covered in blood. A trickster’s love for pranks. Mostly a heart so wide it could have contained enough love for a whole world and more.

“Fun buns,” she said softly.

“Hm?”

“We had this… thing, this little habit of doing each other’s hair up into fun buns. And… You know how he’d have a nickname for everyone? Nobody else ever called me ‘Pickle’. Just him. That’s a good thing to remember, I guess.”

Scanlan gently ran a hand up her forearm, rubbing the little hairs there the wrong way.

“I could work that into a song, if you’d like. Might even have a melody ready.”

Pike immediately shook her head.

“Oh no, it’s… That’s…”

Those memories were precious, and private, and hers. Sharing them with Scanlan, Grog, Vex, Keyleth, Percy, Tary – each of whom had their own set of precious private memories of Vax – was fine. But perfect strangers, who only knew of the Champion of the Matron of Ravens through what was essentially becoming folklore? That felt almost sacrilegious, in a way.

“…Don’t,” she finished lamely. “I know it’s stupid, but I kinda… want to keep some part of him for myself, I guess.”

“It’s not stupid,” murmured Scanlan into her hair. She could have sworn she could feel him grin just before he added, at the same low volume but in a very different tone, “Guess I’ll have to make it about the musician and the brave, strong sailor with the perfect breasts again. Sea shanties are always a win, right?”

“Idiot,” said Pike with a laugh that warmed her chest on the way up.

She knew she’d made her point, though – nicknames and fun buns would remain in the family. That still left Scanlan with plenty of material to write about Vax, anyway.

The conversation faded naturally after that. Pike blew the candle after she realised she was falling asleep right there against Scanlan, whose shoulders were still slumped, but for entirely different reasons than when he’d come in.

The night was still soft, warm, and silent. The bed felt much more comfortable with Scanlan clinging to her, one leg sprawled across her thighs and his head resting in the crook between her shoulder and her left breast. Everything was just as it should be – or the two of them were, at least. That was something.

She was teetering on the brink and starting to think him asleep too when she felt a touch of moisture on her chest, under his head, just where the corner of his eye would be. Then another.

“…Scanlan?” she mumbled.

He didn’t move; he only said thickly, in a voice so low she barely made out the words, “My friend is dead. I miss him. And I’m sad.”

Magic couldn’t fix everything, no matter how powerful. Words couldn’t really bring someone back, no matter how enticing. Sometimes the only thing left to do was to hold each other and let themselves grieve together.

Scanlan’s breathing came heavy and halting against her skin. She closed her arms tighter around him and murmured, “I know. Me too.”

They did fall asleep eventually, before their tears had dried.

—

I loved my friend.  He went away from me.  There’s nothing more to say.  The poem ends,  Soft as it began,— I loved my friend. 

(Langston Hughes)

(I almost went with Bastille's "Poet" but Hughes' poem rewired my brain long before I knew about either Bastille or Critical Role, so. I'm not ruling out the song one day, though.)

Here's hoping the next one is more cheerful! In the meantime, hope you liked 💜

[theworldvsyoshiko]

Okay, I think I'm finally ready to start the new colony today.

The boring mechanical + setup stuff first.

Here's the new mod list. A few things of note:

In addition to the Hospitality + Hospital stuff, mostly I added a bunch of QoL and minor feature things.

Bad Hygiene (light) means that now I need to worry about things like people being able to take baths.

Tranquilizer turrets are going to be kinda vital here.

Alpha Genes adds too many weird unpleasant xenotypes for a 'save everyone' kinda run, so it's out in favor of Biotech Expansion, Nephilim, and Askbarn. Instead of, like, slugs and cancer mutants, now we've got sheep, angels, and lightning critters.

Buuuut unfortunately getting other xenotypes to actually spawn is a pain, because factions have their ratios baked in and most of the vanilla ones are 100% baseliner. There's a mod for that, of course. The mod's also got some... issues, and leads to some weird results. So, long-term the colony might end up 90% baseliner anyway.

Research Reinvented means that there are now research options like building (time-consuming, expensive, often subpar) prototypes. ... not sure how much this will change on the reader side though.

I had Way Better Romance for Umeko too, but I think it'll make a much bigger impact here. The short version: Everyone's got romantic + sexual orientations now, sexualities other than 'straight' are the majority, and people can go on dates without getting into a formal romance, or have casual hookups.

I'll go into more detail on the scenario stuff when I actually get things started, but one thing of note: I've turned the difficulty way down. For one thing, this is a group that, if all goes well, is going to be using mostly nonlethal weaponry, which... isn't great. For another thing, I want this to be a run where the answer to a question like 'do I want a hot tub made out of gold?' is an automatic yes instead of 'well, but the raid points...' I'm starting the threat level off at 70%, and honestly I'm just gonna keep adjusting it on the fly to keep the threats dangerous but not too dangerous. I wasn't kidding about the nonlethal weaponry thing. In one of my tests the colony wiped to three naked guys with rusty knives, because tranq guns aren't known for their high fire rate.

[bluegekk0]

hello, just spent half the day scrolling through your feral pk au and i adore it to bits. now, question, since i don't exactly recall it being mentioned: between all the wear and tear from regular use + the constant washing from how much dirt and blood gets in it while hunting, how is pk's cloak even still holding up after all this time? i'd imagine holly'd repair it if asked, but that's after they get their prosthetic. in the meantime, how on earth is it still relatively intact? or does pk have to replace it every so often?

hi! really happy to hear that you enjoy it! <3

i have thought about this before, it's part of the reason why over time i added the extra lines on it whenever i draw it, to signify wear. now, i always imagined it to be made from quite strong material, it's how it was able to remain practically untouched during his hibernation, unlike his robes which degraded rather quickly in comparison

but you are correct, it's also been through a lot after he woke up from the hibernation, so it would be a bit ridiculous that it still looks so intact after all of that with no explanation. i think there's two factors that play a role in this

first, i like to think that after moving to dirtmouth, he started leaving the cloak at home while he goes hunting. since he now has a proper place to stay, he doesn't have to worry about losing it. on top of that, it not only makes running around greenpath easier, but also saves him from having to wash the blood and dirt afterwards. does that mean he's practically naked while running after tiktiks and other critters? yeah, but considering he rips them to bits and eats them raw like an animal, i think the lack of clothes is the least of his concerns here hahaha

the second part to this is hornet. i imagine she's quite skilled at repairing clothes, she did make her new outfit basically from scratch after all. and while their relationship at first was a bit rocky, i do think she would have nothing against fixing any tears in fpk's cloak. of course, he never wants to bother her and thus he wouldn't ask directly, so i can see this as something she does to show that she cares about him (instead of, you know, actually saying it lol). her learned skills and her silk powers would be the reason why you can't see any patches on the cloak, i imagine she can do a pretty good job at making it subtle but effective. it's how she was able to keep her old cloak in top shape for so many years, that is until it was so torn that she decided it would be best to just make a new one

only wearing it at home does increase its lifespan, but of course, over time, the cloak would degrade more and more, so i do think that at one point it has to be replaced. since most of my au storyline takes place over the first few years after fpk's return, i don't think it's something i have to worry about at this very moment. still, it's fun to imagine. would the new cloak be made to resemble the old one? or would he get a whole new outfit like hornet did? it could make for a fun drawing idea...

[cyberrat]

73rd Batch Of Fics: 1st Fill

Hanzo/Cole – Pokémon-Overwatch Crossover AU – non-canon side story – Part 1/? (4-ish) – dream logic; soft; comfort – Hanzo and Cole fall into a deep sleep with many dreams...

This is a non-canon side story to my Patre0n Choose-Your-Own-Adventure fic.

---

Hanzo has only been gone for literal minutes but when he comes back to his rooms, he finds them completely changed. For one, there is a thick purple mist wafting knee high over the ground.

Cassidy is sitting on the bed, deliciously half-naked like he left him to get ready for bed. On one of his raised knees is a small pink Pokémon delicately balancing while he pets over it and makes the most ridiculous, low cooing sounds.

A movement in the corner of the room has Hanzo looking over to see another Pokémon; this one larger with the thick purple mist oozing from its head. He knows both of them, though he’s only seen them once before leaving the estate on his journey: Munna and Musharna.

“What… are you doing? Where did they come from?” Hanzo asks incredulously. “I left for like… fifteen minutes? At most?”

Cassidy looks at him with a stupidly handsome grin and a little shrug of his shoulders. “Didn’t do a thing. They just bounced past the window an’ then slipped in here. Ain’t they cute?”

He is cooing which freaks Hanzo out a little as he steps more inside the room. The Musharna isn’t doing much of anything; just floating and oozing purple clouds. Its baby meanwhile seems very content with its spot on Cole’s knee.

“You know they are my father’s, don’t you? He’s got trouble sleeping, I think…”

Cole shrugs one shoulder. He does not look particularly surprised, nor upset. “Thought as much. Always wanted one of ‘em critters; cutest li’l buggers around. C’mere an’ look at ‘em!”

Hanzo sighs softly but he does come closer. He can’t deny that he’s curious. He sits on the edge of the bed next to Cole and watches his thick, square-tipped fingers so very gently brush over the small Pokémon’s hide.

“Extraordinary,” Hanzo murmurs, but he does not mean the Munna. Cole does not seem to notice. He just keeps smiling at the thing until its mother suddenly shifts and makes a sound. Low and melodious… like some kind of lullaby.

The Munna replies in much the same fashion, though its voice is a lot higher pitched.

They both watch as it shakes itself like a wet Rockruff and then starts to lopsidedly float over to its mother. Once its settled on top of her, she begins to rock back and forth – and the mist streaming from her head is becoming even thicker and faster. It visibly rises from the ground as it fills the room more.

Hanzo can feel himself becoming sleepy as it crawls up his legs, so he pulls them onto the bed. He does not feel… threatened, but he does not know what to make of the situation either.

“What…”

“I’d say they wanna say ‘thank you’,” Cole drawls. He sounds so calm about it… like it’s the most normal thing in the world. He curls an arm around Hanzo’s shoulders and urges him to lie down with him. “Give us a nice li’l dream, ya know?”

Hanzo does not know how to feel about it. He stares at the fog as it begins to crawl over the edge of the bed. His instinct is to pull his limbs away and not let it touch him, but Cassidy – the big oaf – is making low soothing sounds and throws his limbs over Hanzo to pin him to the bed. Or simply get comfortable. Something like that.

“Easy now. Don’t look like that.” Those same thick, square-tipped fingers gently rub between Hanzo’s brows to smooth out a frown there. “Just relax and enjoy. Let’s see where she takes us, hmn?”

Not that he has much choice. Sleep comes for him hard all of a sudden and Hanzo drifts off even while he tries to fight it.

.oOo.

He knows that he is in a dream. It’s hard not to know when all their surroundings have a vague purple-ish tint to them… but it is only in the back of his head like in all his other dreams.

He is aware but it does not matter.

The first thing Hanzo is conscious of is sitting at a large, rustic table. He looks around and as he watches, his surroundings become clearer. Cole’s kitchen back on his farm.

Hanzo’s insides immediately relax – he can’t help it. His stay on Route 12 had been kind of… well… magical. He does not think that he’s ever been as happy as he had been there.

“Glad to know.” The deep drawl has him turn back around. Cole is there all of a sudden, standing at the stove and stirring in a great pot.

“I didn’t say anything,” Hanzo mutters.

Cole grins at him. Crooked and sweet. “Don’t think ya need to.” He looks around while he keeps stirring. He’s wearing an apron and the sleeves of his shirt are rolled up, showing distracting glimpses of his muscular forearms. “It’s nice here.”

“This is a dream,” Hanzo tells him matter of factly. He isn’t sure whether Cole is aware. But Cole nods, not looking surprised in the least, and puts the ladle down to instead grab a spoon. He loads it with whatever is in the pot and comes over to Hanzo, offering it to him.

“Yeah. I know. But that’s fine, isn’t it?”

Hanzo looks at the spoon in front of him. There’s a big chunk of potato and meat in a dark, thick broth. He can smell it. He’s never been able to smell anything in his dreams before. It smells fantastic.

“I guess so,” he replies softly, obediently opening his mouth to get fed. The flavors burst on his tongue. They’re as warm and comforting as the farm itself.

“Does it need anythin’ else?” Cole asks.

Hanzo shakes his head, slowly chewing, his body prickling from how good it tastes.

“No… no it’s perfect.” Cole looks very pleased by that verdict.

Hanzo blinks slowly. When he opens his eyes again, the table is set. Cole is sitting around the corner to him so they can touch their legs together while they eat.

It’s quiet and companionable. Hanzo eats way more than he logically would be able to but he can’t get enough of the feeling of the sauce sliding down his throat or the soft potatoes that he presses to mush with his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

Cole is watching him the whole time.

“I’ve always wanted to cook more for you. Properly cook, I mean. We kinda ended up only with sandwiches most of the time ‘cause we were busy.”

Hanzo slowly lowers his spoon and looks over to Cole. He is the only thing in this dream that is not vaguely tinted purple and that makes him feel all the more real to Hanzo.

“I liked it the way it was. But I wouldn’t mind you cooking more for me next time. Where did you learn to cook?”

“Self-taught. Guess I just have a knack for it.” Cole is grinning that lazy crooked smile that Hanzo find he’s fallen a little in love with. “Think in another life I would’ve become a cook. If I didn’t keep winnin’ all those Pokémon fights.”

“You can still become one, you know.”

Cole cocks his head, mulling it over. “You know… that’s true.”

Hanzo reaches over and puts his hand on Cole’s forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze.

He blinks again slowly and when he opens his eyes – everything has changed once more.

[earthmains]

Police academy 1 zed costume

POLICE ACADEMY 1 ZED COSTUME MOVIE

POLICE ACADEMY 1 ZED COSTUME SERIES

But does it contain the best porta-potty-exposed scene in film history? You know, I do think so. Does it even blatantly rip off concepts and plots from the first three flicks? Yuppers. Is it juvenile and appeals to the low-brow among us? Yes. Is Police Academy 4 a superb film? Um, no. He’s funny and frightens the hell out of everyone else. My favorite underdog is Zed (Bobcat Goldthwait), whose voice and face flutters and fluctuates as much as a ’70s cartoon. Thus follows a long sequence of Harris “This program is going to fail and I’m gonna make it fail,” Mahoney “Just give them a chance, I know they can do it,” new screwballs going through training, a few romances, Evil Guy shows up, everyone saves the day. They pal around with The Policedudes: The New Batch, which consist of David Spade, a bloodthirsty old lady, and a really fat guy who’s the only one to make it onto Police Academy 5. So we have the old school of Mahoney, Jones, the big guy who is Bubba Smith, the blonde bombshell, and all the rest. That seems like a very irresponsible thing for police to do, sort of akin to luring human shields to protect the Real Cops. In an attempt to pass the torch to a new generation of policemen, our beloved heroes start a C.O.P.

POLICE ACADEMY 1 ZED COSTUME MOVIE

The district is overrun or something by like three skateboarders, one of whom is David Spade in his first movie role. Despite being as famous as Showgirls and rich as many kings, Steve decided that this was it for Officer Mahoney.Īt the film’s onset, we’re treated to the most ’80s rap ever (you know, back when you could understand the words rappers were rapping about) and the worst criminal act known to mankind: skateboarding. You know what I’m talking about - Steve Guttenburgenstein. Although Police Academy 5 was a decent run (and about the last watchable Police Academy movie made), number four is the end of the original franchise. Have I even begun to talk about this movie! Good gravy, no. I don’t need realism when I watch movies, I need fluffy elephants slipping on squirrel leavings and gratuitous music sequences. And happily, there is no attempt at realism. The Big Enemy does criminal acts, but is easily caught after an extended chase sequence. He has no sense of humor and is repeatedly humiliated by said goofballs. The Mean Enemy usually is associated with the goofballs and tries to make them look bad at every opportunity. I personally like the movies, mostly because they embrace the best of what eighties cinema had to offer (collective groan from the audience: “Oh, jeez, not THE EIGHTIES lecture AGAIN! Please! I’d rather have my colon sucked out my belly button than that!”).Ī bunch of screw-ups, all with one-note characters (Look! Jones makes funny sounds! Tackleberry likes heavy weaponry!). The Police Academy movies are seen by many as a low-rent Naked Gun gagfest, or a high-rent episode of COPS. Star Trek IV took Trek into comedy, Critters 4 went to space, and The Next Karate Kid got downright Swanky.

POLICE ACADEMY 1 ZED COSTUME SERIES

Sure, that sheriff might be direct-to-video, marking this film series as a lame joke, but sometimes that sheriff might be rustling up the posse for an a new twist. Justin’s review: Okay, now there might be rules on trilogies, but when a series heads into its forth film, there’s a new sheriff in town. Justin’s rating: Five bullets in six-chambered revolver which loads from a seven-stock belt out of a nine-piece outfit.

[cozy-possum]

Buying myself tiny calico critter/sylvanian families accessories to feel something

[tribbetherium]

So I've been clearing out my old files and stumbled upon this old scrapped concept I had all the way back since 2017, a seed world project inspired when I first started reading Serina. It was just some random stuff I ended up doing just for fun but I was surprised at all the notes and sketches I'd made of it a long time back, and looking back four years later there may have been quite some really unrealistic evolutionary paths and a rather...pessimistic and kinda misanthropic outlook on sapient species repeatedly evolving and inevitably destroying themselves and the world around them.

But hey, thought it had some interesting ideas so without further ado: "Hamster's Paradise".

The timeline all begins on a suitable, habitable Earth-like planet, orbited by two moons and in a binary system with a yellow sun-like main star and a small orange dwarf that orbited further out and sometimes left nighttime as illuminated as nautical twilight. It was seeded with Earth organisms in preparation to human colonization and all the necessary organisms to maintain a sustainable, habitable biome, with various plants, fungi, decomposers, insect pollinators, marine algae, plankton and the like. However, there were no vertebrate life on the planet save for one test organism introduced to monitor the habitability of the biomes: the Chinese dwarf hamster, Cricetulus griseus.

But for one reason or another, humans never returned to the planet: whether they became extinct, abandoned the project, or managed to colonize another planet, it didn't matter: all that did was that this world was never visited or interfered upon again by human hands. And so, the planet was left to its unlikely colonists: they flourished for the first few million years, experiencing massive boom-and-busts in their population as they repeatedly bred out of control, starved en masse when food dwindled, and the few survivors left to repopulate in the next cycle. Eventually after about 10,000 years the hamsters and the ecosystem began to hit a sustainable equilibrium, and as niches gradually became established, the processes of evolution began to do its work.

The first major epoch of the planet's history would be the Rodentocene Era, where the hamsters, still small but diverse, would begin to diverge into numerous different forms as they came to adopt new lifestyles and occupy new niches. Among these would be running mara-like herbivores, gopher-like burrowers and shrew-like insectivores, while one lineage, evolving longer tails and limbs, would give rise to squirrel-like climbers and jerboa-like hoppers. The biggest creatures at this time would be cavybaras, capybara-sized plains grazers, but throughout the Rodentocene Era, lasting from 1-20 million years post-establishment, none of the rodents would grow particularly large, remaining in small-mammal niches that modern rodents, shrews and lagomorphs would occupy on Earth.

However a world occupied solely by small critters was not to last long, as 20 million years PE the first megafauna began to evolve, occupying bigger and bigger niches. By the 50 million year mark the next epoch, the Therocene Era, was in full swing: large rodents occupying big-mammal niches are widespread throughout all the continents at this point. The cavybaras soon give rise to the buffalo-sized mison and the omnivorous pig-sized bumbaa, the arboreal squirrel-like forms grow into lemur-sized squimians, and aquatic otter and beaver-like species also emerge. The jerboa-like hoppers give rise to the dominant plains grazers of this period: bipedal hoppers resembling macropods, such as the kangaroo-like boingo and its smaller wallaby-sized relative the oingo. Larger predatory forms have also evolved by this point, preying upon their distant relatives: the canid-like hamyena specializing on smaller prey, and the saber-toothed daggarat, which targets larger game such as the mison.

Meanwhile, a different sort of life flourishes in the oceans: in the absence of fish, small swimming krill-like crustaceans evolved into larger aquatic forms, eventually becoming the dominant aquatic lifeforms on the planet: the shrish. The shrish evolve into a diverse array of aquatic species, such as the schooling open-water shrardines, the centipede-like shreel that hunts in coral reefs like a moray, the venomous trilobite-like shringray, the predatory shrark, and a migrating freshwater species, the shralmon, which swims upstream to spawn.

The Therocene Era ends with an ice age that creates large areas of permafrost and tundra, bringing about the Glaciocene Era: 80 million years PE. New forms adapted to the cold develop in the northern continent: a relative of the mison, the rakatusk, grows to elephantine proportions and sprouts a shaggy coat to insulate against the freezing cold, with tusk-like extensions of its incisors serving to dig for food and defend itself from its main predator: the snabre, a lion-sized descendant of the daggarat that fused its upper incisors into a single stabbing blade. Another beast of the ice ages is the lumbering drundle, a nine-foot relative of the boingos and oingos that, having become too heavy to hop, became a plodding bipedal browser, adapting its spine and hips to support such a means of locomotion.

The climate would soon become milder 10 million years later and the icy tundras would shrink, but these cold-clime giants would persist throughout the Glaciocene, and some would later move down to the temperate regions and evolve into new forms. Most notably were descendants of the drundle that would become smaller and nimbler but retain their ancestor's bipedal walking: balanced by horizontal tails and with shorter forelimbs for grasping food, they became the hamstheropods, producing running plains grazers, alpaca-like mountain climbers, and one group of carnivorous predators, the ratptors. The ratptors, however, would be relegated to scavenger and mesopredator status, as the top carnivore niches were filled by the descendants of the hamyena: the carnohams, which sported Thylacoleo-like dentition, with conical stabbing incisors and meat-shearing first molars, and subdivided into two clades, the pack-hunting dog-like gringoes and the stocky, short-legged, strong-jawed bajas.

Other, smaller clades would become widespread in this era. Small, flying ratbats are abundant in the skies, feeding on insects and fruit, the aquatic otter-like species move out to sea and become shrish-eating seal-like phockas, and some of the burrowing gopher-like species become fully subterranean diggers known as horlocks, adapting to the low-oxygen environments underground by having slow metabolisms that lead to them becoming effectively cold-blooded, losing their pelage and converging with naked mole rats.

And then, at the end of the Glaciocene, 95 million years after life was first seeded onto the planet, an intelligent species evolves- a species that may very well represent the worst of the worst that sapience had to offer: the harmsters. Descended from pack-hunting ratptors, they were adaptable fast learners and eventually learned how to fell their prey with tools and weapons. The harshly-competitive environment selected for the smartest, most cunning and fiercest of the lot, and soon the harmsters attained self-awareness and soon began to construct a civilization: a civilization centered on war and violence.

As predators selected for both intelligence and ferocity, the harmsters were mentally geared to be incredibly vicious and cruel, displaying a penchant for genocide, bloodsport and even cannibalism, being promiscous breeders that eagerly feasted upon the weakest of their surplus young in bloody rituals. Though they were able to cooperate with each other to some degree, which aided in their construction of a civilization, their culture revolved around a sense of social darwinism, where the strongest were to rule and the weak were killed and devoured. Their violent ways spurred the rise and fall of numerous kingdoms during their brief reign: they engaged in massive wars between kingdoms with casualties numbering in the millions, breeding at rates expected of rodents and thus churning out legions of expendable troops that aided them in invading each other's territories and plundering their enemies' resources. Some of the kingdoms of the northern continent began enslaving rakatusks and comandeering them as weapons of war, living siege engines that trampled the opponents palaces with ease. This strategy would eventually lead to the rakatusk's extinction, as their already-dwindling populations were dragged into battle where they were felled without mercy.

Such a violent, merciless and brutal species was surely not long to last in this world, as they plundered and slaughtered their way across the northern continent driving many species to extinction in their wake, as the harmsters hunted them for food and sport with as much reckless abandon as they did butchering their own kind. Eventually the harmsters would briefly reach an industrial level of technology-- and unsurprisingly, use their newfound technology to create weapons of mass destruction that they turn against their own species. Too bloodthirsty and barbaric for their own long-term good, the harmsters would eventually bring about their own eradication, a mere 13,000 years ever since the first of them discovered the use of tools and began their bloody empires.

The brief rise and fall of an intelligent species ultimately was inconsequential to the grander scheme of life, and it was not long before geological processes swept away all traces of the harmsters' civilization, to be forgotten in the sands of time. In their absence, life simply began anew, in the Temperocene Era: 100 million years PE, a time of mild climates and new diversity that rebounded in the wake of the extinctions brought by the harmsters. The arboreal squimians diversified into monkey-like frugivores and gliding insectivores, while in the seas the phockas, nearly hunted to extinction by the harmsters, rebounded and became fully-aquatic hwhels, some which evolved multi-crowned teeth for catching small swimming prey, and others developing sieving bristles from modified whiskers to filter out zooplankton and krill from the water. On land, the hamstheropods reclaim the lands once ravaged by the wars of the harmsters, their own kin, and become ornithomimosaur-like runners of the savannah, with one group, the nenks, becoming twelve-foot long-necked browsers.

It was also during this warm and humid clime that one of the strangest lineages of the planet would arise. Descended from the burrowing horlocks, some of these unusual new species returned to the surface to exploit vacant niches, regaining their keen eyesight as they came to live above ground once again. The bristly remnants of their fur coats, no longer needed for insulation, would later evolve into overlapping pangolin-like scales to help protect their exposed hairless skins, and their decreased metabolisms, coupled with a long, fat-storing tail, helped them thrive as ambush hunters of insects in warm climates that needed far less food to survive than a typical rodent, using up less energy. With tough scaly skins, a nearly-cold-blooded metabolism, and sprawling limbs as a remnant of their burrowing ancestry, they became the ratptiles: a diverse clade of superficially lizard-like rodents that eventually diverge into long-bodied, flexible short-legged carnivores known as snerpents, herbivorous slow-moving species called biguanas, and even a clade of hopping stocky-bodied insectivorous toadents, which converged heavily on Earthly frogs save for their independence from water when breeding. Like all mammals, ratptiles gave birth to live young: however, they birthed up to thirty tiny but well-developed infants per litter, which were immediately independent from birth and needed no further parental care, simply being born in numbers great enough to ensure at least some would survive by sheer chance.

(Part 2 to be continued...)

[emberkyrlee]

24, 30, 36, and 48

24: Have you ever met someone you never thought you’d become close to?

This question seems worded a little oddly, but I’ll go with what I think it means? For instance, when I first became aware of my now-roommate, she was a talented artist with an online comic who did art streams. I was a fan of her work and offered to help out with lore gathering and organization which she expressed a need for assistance. Little did I realize I would later be living with said artist, and that my interaction within her community would lead me to the people who are now my bestie and my fiancé.

30: What makes you happy?

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kitt- Sorry wait no, that’s not me, it’s Sound of Music...

Well, Filk music tends to delight me. (Cause I’m a neeeeeeeeerd) As does sushi. and fluffy critters. (bonus points for baby fluffy critters. I could go for some kitten holding right about now)

Loved ones remembering me, or remembering little details makes me feel loved which always brightens things up a bit.

36: Favorite book quote(s)?

A couple Good Omens quotes that ALWAYS crack me up are: “Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.” ~ “Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.”

Also I like to quote Lewis Carroll a lot:

“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then.“ ~ “If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.“

And a line from The Black Jewels trilogy that rings through my mind a lot is: “I can heal the scars on your body, but I can’t heal the scars of the soul. Not yours, not mine. You have to learn to live with them. You have to choose to live beyond them.“

48: Have you ever started to try learning about a subject only to realize it’s not something you enjoy?

Yeah, it’s happened. There are a lot of sciences in which I enjoy the basic concepts, but trying to learn the specific details only turned my brain so bored it tried to escape out my ears.

Or there’s the case of getting into something that I enjoyed for a while, but experiences and pain sapped the joy away and I’m just over it. (I’m quite over the cottage-core life, I’m afraid.)

I’ve also run into things I’m still interested in, and still like, but discovered I really don’t take to it at ALL. (Like any form of music besides vocals.)

[ducktracy]

28. crosby, columbo, and vallee (1932)

release date: march 19th, 1932

series: merrie melodies

director: rudolf ising

starring: n/a

ahh, the three crooners! this marks the start of MANY, many, many bing crosby references (who is never even showed onscreen). i know rudy vallee was referenced by porky in porky at the crocadero, and russ columbo... well, he gets the short end of the stick. he’s not mentioned in the short, and would die two years later in 1934 due to an accidental misfiring of a gun. this short takes place in a native american village (don’t worry, it’s a relatively innocent cartoon) where the love of the crooners has become a plight, almost putting a forest in jeopardy.

we open to a group of native americans doing a war chant. they sing the titular song “crosby, columbo, and vallee”, a song lamenting the perils of how the crooners have influenced their women. the premise of the song is highly amusing, those damn crooners! every time your woman kisses you, she’s thinking of bing! however, this scene is rather uncomfortable, especially considering that a slur is used towards native american women. thankfully, the rest of the cartoon is relatively harmless—not making this okay by any means, but... it’s tame in comparison to what we’ll be seeing. it would be wrong to gloss over it like nothing happened.

we see our hero of the film, a cute little native boy who’s canoeing in time to the music. frank marsales does a great job adapting to the mood and the setting with his music! the gag above is reused from hittin’ the trail for hallelujah land. we get some shots of him hopping among some tulips and weaving his way through logs.

he hops out of his canoe and heads towards a teepee, calling for his sweetheart, minniehaha (in reference to longfellow’s 1855 poem the song of hiawatha). his voice rises to a call to a scream as she’s unresponsive, but eventually she comes out.

finally, we see what he’s after. the boy produces a radio, and, with the help of a friendly spider, get a connection. the girl perches herself on a rock near a waterfall (with the boy using a tiny pine tree as an umbrella to dispel any spare water streams) while the warbling tones of bing crosby sing “many happy returns of the day”.

minniehaha launches into the title number of “crosby, columbo and vallee”, with various woodland critters dancing by her side. the song itself, again, is very catchy and entertaining to think about. bing crosby, the menace to society!

our first celebrity caricature! this rudy vallee dog sings “this is my love song". i’m a sucker for celebrity caricatures, and as limited as the animation is, it looks a lot like him!

everyone is swayed by the music, even an anthropomorphized campfire, which turns catastrophically. the flames literally begin to dance and march across the forest, burning everything in sight: a tree, who skitters away embarrassedly as his lack of foliage leaves him naked, and another tree inhabitated by a group of baby birds.

the birds shriek “help!” “fire!” “save me!” one by one as the flames threaten their lives. thankfully, the boy does some quick thinking.

ringing a tulip like a bell summons the help of some bees, who transform a net into a trampoline. i love how you can see the shadow of the net on the ground, too! i’m glad they took the extra time to animate that.

the flames are stubborn. they follow the boy and the bees, burning the boy in the ass a few times for good measure as the remaining flames continue to endanger the baby birds.

no worries! the birds leap out of the nest and land to safety on the net... almost. the flames burn off all their feathers. predictable, but amusing! nothing can ever end too well for anyone, huh? to further absurdity, the boy extinguishes the fire with ease by merely spitting on it, similar to the ending in friz freleng’s flowers for madame in 1935. iris out.

i’m glad that this is our first appearance of a celebrity caricature! may the continue. the short, as all merrie melodies go, is very catchy with a beautifully atmospheric underscore. the visuals are fun and imaginative, such as the boy using a pine tree as an umbrella and the naked tree running away.

however, the uncomfortableness is still present with the stereotypes. they’re relatively tame compared to some shorts, but nevertheless still needs to be addressed. mainly my discomfort lies in the beginning sequence, it didn’t keep me from enjoying the short entirely, but it’s presence was certainly there. nevertheless, it’s a rather average cartoon. not bad, amusing rudy vallee caricature and bing crosby impression! but it’s certainly dated in many of its aspects.

here’s a link: view at your own discretion, there’s a slur used at 0:49

[the-four-hoursemen]

Miscellaneous Information About My Physical Mortal Coil

I have a scar (I have many scars actually; I think of them as organic tattoos) on my upper left arm which I received from a spider bite. The spider bite wasn't particularly bad or anything, and I didn't pick at it, I just scar exceptionally easily.

Now, this spider I mention was also responsible for jumpscaring me a day or two after it had bitten me.

Generally, spiders don't stick around long enough for you to meet them later on. This bastard however, this bastard decided that behind/underneath my bed was a great place to chill (despite likely getting rolled on in the night by a naked house ape looking thing just a night or two prior.

Of course, I told you that this bad textured brat jumpscared m, so how did that happen?

This boundary disrespecting critter chose to leave its hiding place behind my bed right as I had my face against my wall with my hand reaching down below the back end of my bed in the pursuit of plugging in my chargers.

Naturally it is at this moment a certain creature of eights comes shooting up the wall, no more than 15 centimeters (about 6 inches) from my face.

I mean sure, I get it, spider lad was just trying to live their life, but to continue chilling under the bed of a creature which you can a good enough bit to leave a small scar on said creature's arm more than a year after the fact, is an interesting story.

Anyhow, miscellaneous spider/scar story. Hope it could give you a chuckle like it does me when I tell it to others!

_Death

[kxvinowxns]

💐 Zowens ;3

 - Kevin hates doing dishes… like, hates it. But he hates the idea of Rami cleaning up alone, so he dries while Rami washes. 

 - He still worries that one day he’ll wake up and find this has all been a dream.

 - Kevin isn’t realllly that outdoorsy. He doesn’t pine for the feel of sun on his skin, or wind in his hair. But. There are animals outside. And if Rami wants to be outside, well, he might just have to try to make friends with the squirrel that guards the hedge at the corner of the block, or see if the notoriously fearless pigeons downtown will actually take food from his hand. Rami is happy, he gets to indulge his inner Dr. Doolittle, so it’s all a win.

 - When they get their house, he wants to put in a big fountain… sure, aesthetics, whatever. It’s gonna be a giant birdbath and a water source for all kinds of critters. He has plans for bird feeders, even without knowing if they even have trees in their yard. Rami can pick the design as long as he gets to have one.

 - The yard is almost more important than the house, even though he’s not planning on being outside all the time. He has a vision of having big cookouts with all their family and friends, so there needs to be the space for that. He also needs space for a swingset… 

 - … because he wants kids. Badly. He doesn’t want to let Rami know how much he does because he knows it’s borderline irrational. Can men get baby fever? If so he’s practically dying from it. And he’s not into kids in general… he specifically wants his own children. Not necessarily biological, just… his. And Rami’s. Being able to raise kids with their values… to help bring that light into the world… it means so much to him.

 - He likes having someone to take care of. In past relationships, he hasn’t exactly had good luck… people have always wanted one aspect of his personality, not the whole package. The fact that he likes getting rough in bed as much as he likes cuddling after usually meant only one part of him was getting what he needed. Rami is more than willing to indulge him in both, which continually blows his mind. 

 - Kevin is the definition of a hedonist. If it feels good, do it. Buy the car. Eat the meal. Spend the money…. okay, he also is a little bit of a contradiction because he does like to save money too. But in general, he’s a pleasure-seeker. It makes him the worst enabler when Rami has some crazy idea. He’s also more than happy to support and play cheerleader for Rami, but… he really needs to rein that in sometimes. Maybe he doesn’t need to eat macarons all day. Maybe Rami should stop buying them then. Maybe everyone else needs to mind their business and keep their hands off his fucking macarons. 

 - As a hedonist, he really likes sex. I mean. What feels better? Sex. Cake. Gourmet meals. The holy trinity. But he also still has some body image issues. He always has, and age isn’t helping it. He keeps hearing that at some point you stop giving a shit as you get older, but… it hasn’t happened yet. He’s just finally getting comfortable with Rami seeing him naked, and considering how long they’ve known each other, how many locker rooms, hotel rooms they’ve shared over the years, that’s ridiculous and he knows it. But he knows Rami genuinely loves and appreciates his body without being creepy and fetishizing him as a bear, and it’s done a lot for him. He doesn’t get dressed after sex every time with Rami, which he used to do. Which is convenient, since they have a lot of sex. Like. A lot. Making up for lost time, or that is what he’s telling himself. 

 - That being said, he would still love Rami if they never had sex again. As long as they have each other, he would be happy. Hell, he made it over 15 years not being able to touch Rami that way, he could do it again if he had to as long as he knew he had Rami’s heart.

 - You know that thing where they say boys tease girls because they like them? When he first met Rami, he hated him. Did not like him at all. Until he thought about it, and… he realized that no, he didn’t hate him, he felt some kind of way about him that he didn’t understand or know what to do with, so he covered it up with hate. Once he understood that, the hate disappeared and they became best friends, because he didn’t know how to transition that. Rami was the first guy he was ever attracted to, so it was doubly confusing. If he’d known he was into men before they met, things might have gone very differently, but they were so young, who knows if they’d have been able to make it work… maybe the decades of pining were meant to be, to ensure they were where they needed to be in order to make it work for the long run.

 - When they start wedding planning, he doesn’t want to have too many opinions on things. He’s Kevin though, so he definitely will have opinions… but he wants this to be the wedding of Rami’s dreams. He will give him just about anything he wants. He’s more about the actually being married than the process of getting there. 

 - He’s been trying to eat less meat since getting with Rami. Healthier in general, too, but he wants to share meals at home with Rami, and that means meatless if not vegan. But if they’re out at a restaurant, he’ll often get whatever he wants, which is okay with Rami, thank God. If he had to give up steak completely… it would not make for a harmonious home. He still isn’t sold on tofu, though.

 - some nights he wakes up and has a hard time getting back to sleep. And on those nights, he watches Rami, studies the way his face looks when he’s completely relaxed, the soft rhythm of his breathing…. everything. He studies it like his life depends on it, and maybe he feels that way a little bit, too. He takes all of Rami in, and when he’s had his fill, he spoons up behind Rami and holds him in his arms until it’s the last thing he’s aware of and he drifts back off.

[mantispestsol]

Carpet Beetles Frequently Asked Questions and Answers

Concerned about carpet beetles in your home? Mantis pest solutions, your local Overland Park pest control company, will answer frequently asked questions about these invaders.

What are the Tiny Black Bugs in My House?

If you’ve discovered tiny black bugs crawling around your home, and they don’t bite, and their shells are hard and shiny, they are probably carpet beetles. These unwelcome guests have round bodies measuring just 1/16 to 1/8 inches long.

While most appear black, some are mottled, with spots of brown, reddish-orange, yellow, and black on a lighter background. They are also covered in tiny hairs, but you can’t see that with the naked eye. Their larvae resemble small, furry caterpillars.

Should I be Worried About Carpet Beetles?

Adult carpet beetles don’t bite humans. They feed on pollen or nectar but can sometimes invade your favorite foods—cereal, flour, and rice. Generally, adult carpet beetles don’t cause damage to your home. But that doesn’t mean they are innocent bugs. If you discover an infestation, you are right to be worried.

Their larva is the most destructive, and they don’t eat what the adults feed on. They have an enormous appetite and feast on keratinous foods, which is an animal protein found in many household goods.

These pests will gnaw on rugs, curtains, upholstery, clothing, and books. Anything made of feathers, hair, wool, silk, and leather will be food for the bugs. They’ll also munch on dirty synthetic material if it’s coated with food, oil, and sweat from humans or pets.

Apart from destroying items, the carpet beetle larvae can also cause allergies. Some people are allergic to the hairs on the larvae. You may feel itchy or have rashes.

Is it Normal to Have a Few Carpet Beetles?

It’s not okay to coexist with a few carpet beetles. If you happen to notice even a single carpet beetle, be it worm-like larvae or a flying adult, don’t ignore the problem. Left unchecked, these small insects can become pests in the home. It’s only a matter of time before they start to damage your clothes and fabrics.

What are the Signs of Carpet Beetles?

While carpet beetles are shy critters and feed in dark, hidden areas, they leave behind some traces. You’ll notice dead skin since they shed their external skin numerous times in their nine-month lifecycle.

They also leave black or brown fecal pellets the size of a grain of sand. Look for dead skins and droppings on the underside of rugs, at the base of your wardrobe, and below your furniture.

You may also notice tiny black beetles slowly climbing walls or lying dead on windowsills. Another telltale sign of an infestation is that carpet beetles tend to damage a single, large area on items, whether carpet, rug, cloth, or blanket.

How do You Find a Carpet Beetle Nest?

Adults usually enter homes through doors, windows, or fresh-cut plants and flowers. They then lay approximately 40 eggs in places where their larvae will have constant access to food. That means their nests will be on or near wool carpets and rugs and items made of fur, leather, animal horn, bone, or silk. You may also find nests near dried plant products.

How do I Permanently get Rid of Carpet Beetles?

The best solution to tackle a small infestation of carpet beetles is to thoroughly clean the areas where the bugs tend to live. Put infected items in the washing machine and clean everything inside your closets and dressers. Next, thoroughly vacuum the floors, upholstered furniture, carpets, and rugs.

When vacuuming, make sure you move around the furniture to get to all those tough-to-reach spots. Finally, wipe down all food storage areas, discard contaminated food, and start storing cereals in airtight containers.

For larger infestations or a recurring issue, your best option is to call Mantis pest solutions, your local Overland Park pest control company. After our home inspection confirms that it’s definitely carpet beetles gnawing on your valuables, we will use specialist chemicals and professional steaming to exterminate the bugs.

If you could not find the answer you’re looking for, feel free to reach out to one of our caring customer service representatives.

The post Carpet Beetles Frequently Asked Questions and Answers first appeared on Mantis Pest Solutions. source https://mantispestsolutions.com/%ef%bf%bccarpet-beetles-frequently-asked-questions-and-answers/

[jacqueline314]

D&D Character Origin

Around the mountain forest, a shadow was cast above it all. There, a bronze dragon has flown up to the heavens. A Wood Elf lies on the rooted earth. Its eyes heavily open, as if it slept for decades. It sees a bright ray of light, shining in its left view

The visual irritation caused it to move its body. No clothing to separate its bare self to the wilderness. The elf felt small, muti-pins moving on its shoulder. It flung it and saw the green worm flying across the tree as it sits up and scoots away from it.

Keeping its distance, the elf swiftly stands on its toes as it climbed the tree trunk. A spark of fear shivers in the elf's bones. It then steps forward, but stumbles face down when it let go of the bark. Its fave was covered in dirt and some bits of it were swallowed. The elf positioned its leg at a 90° angle and pushes the knee down to stand up again.

The elf wanders through the forest to find various things. The fruits that are sweet with every bite, birds, and critters scaring the elf, the rains that gave it the cold, and the nights spent under the stars. For many moons and suns has it been since. And then the elf stumbled upon a human.

It was badly injured. Some parts are white and brown, but the rest are red as blood, scratches that cut deep, the arm applying pressure to the wound, and bruises on its face, and the elf was terrified. It had never seen such injuries. It seen animals being killed by other animals, but up close would be traumatising to see. The human moved its arm to the elf, and then it crouched to its knees and cover its face.

Confused as to why nothing happened yet, the elf look at the human and it said "Are you lost? Would you like some help?" Still frightened, the elf can't understand what he said. It looked up and their eyes meet. Starting, the elf sees its eyes are calm and gentle.

Not sure what to do, the elf turns to its hand and slowly reaches out to it. It places its hand on the human's, gently. It then lifts its arm up for it to stand. "It's okay, my home is not too far from here." It walks ahead as it holds the elf's hand from behind while still applying pressure on the wound.

After a long time of walking, they arrived at a strange, tall, large tree made of stone, the leaves were color red, and the branches seem to be larger and flatter than the others in weird areas and directions. There are large ones that go through each other in multiple crosses, and there are flat ones that are on the stone areas of the tree and they're in a different crossing pattern than the large ones. There seems to be a couple of smaller ones, that look like it, sticking out as well.

The human takes the elf to a large rectangular, wooden part of the stone tree and uses its had, which was applying pressure, to pull it out. They entered the tree. The human lets go of the elf's hand while it looks around. The elf sees many different things in the tree it entered. It saw what a tree looked like at first, but nothing compares to what it sees.

There are orange lights around it, wood that's in different shapes and sizes, and a long shiny stone on the wooden wall. The elf hears a chirp, that's louder than a bird, from behind. The elf jumped as a spark of fear occurred in its bones, again. It turns in the direction of the chirp and sees the human.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that." It then hands out a round wooden container full of fruit and placed it on top of a wooden, rectangular block. The elf swiftly walks towards the fruit and eats them to the core. As it was eating, the elf noticed something different about the human.

Its colors are different and aren't red anymore. Its bruise and scratches are gone as well. The elf reaches over to touch where the red and violet spots are. The human got startled. It swiftly stepped away. Leaning backed to make sure the elf doesn't make any finger contact. "Hey... What are you doing?" Said the human. The elf then dropped the fruit and walk around the woodblock to get closer.

There was no escape, the elf caught the human face with its bare hands. It rubs the face with its thumb. The elf uses its other hand to feel the other locations where. It feels all over the human until it sees an opening in on its skin. It was found above the legs. The elf puts its hand in and feels a soft-yet hard spot. It feels a little bit hairy, but the elf doesn't have hair on the body.

The human shivers as the hand touch everything. Eventually, the hand finds another hole that leads to the human's head. The elf finds out that the first hole is bigger and goes around the body. Curious, the elf takes opposite ends of it and pulls up to see if it can be removed. Without hesitation, it strongly lifts it up and it is removable.

The human's arms were up above its head. "Why the hell did you do that for?!" It roared. The elf covers its nose and mouth with the removed skin. Then there was another sound, it came from above the left of the elf and sees, what seems to be, a smaller human. "Brother, you're back already-" its sound, which was higher than the one in front, was cut off as it sees the elf and other human. It roared a louder sound. The sound was so high that it felt like it was thinning.

After the tall human interacted with the smaller one, they do everything to teach the elf how to speak and understand them. Everything starts off small, from sounds to symbols, to words, to sentences. The elf learned to speak, read, count, and write within twenty-five days.

Throughout those twenty-five days, the elf doesn't have a name. It learned the humans' names from day four. And clothing at day six. The tall one is named Michael, and the little one is named Adrian. They only refer to the wood elf as 'Elf', but not a proper name. Adrian felt sad, so it asked Michael to come up with one. Michael was reading a book that was in a different language. It randomly picked one and it stumbled upon "Skógr" Adrian agreed and liked the name a lot.

"S-Sk-Skó-gr?" said the elf. "That will be your name from now on," said Michael with a smile. Skógr then smiled back and embraced Michel.

After several days, Skógr learned about gender, family, and age. Michael is the eldest child and is a male, while Adrian is the youngest child and is a female. "So..." Skógr speaks, "You're the brother" pointing at Michael, "and you're the sister" pointing at Adrian.

Being proud of Skógr, they clap together with a smile. "Hey brother, you've seen Skógr naked. Do you know what gender he is?" embarrassed, he shakes Adrian as punishment for asking that question. He was surprised to meet Skógr, but he brought the elf home without knowing anything about that.

Skógr looked down to the floor and said "Umm..., Actually, I want to be both male and female" Both were shocked, they didn't know anyone would want to be both. "What about Non-Binary?" asked Michael. "It's a third option. It also means you can be both male and female, by choice" Once again, Skógr hugs him for his kindness. "I love it!" They said.

Time goes on and Skógr learns a lot of things. The three of them live in a small library where adventures and others come to read books and study. Skógr is allowed to read any book since they live here, but they're not allowed to take other books from others unless they put them back or return them.

Adrian runs the library, making sure everything is clean and organized. Michael is a hunter and gatherer. He hunts and gathers food and materials in the wild, and sells them as a service provider. During nights, Skógr helps Michael with the food. With hunting extras for food, whatever they both make in the kitchen is delicious. Skógr made breakfast for everyone three times.

Whenever they weren't cooking, Skógr likes to go through books and learn more about his Wood Elf self. The two siblings told them what they know about Wood Elves, and they read books about Wood Elves. One day, when Michael told Skógr to get Adrian down for a meal, they don't find Adrian in her room.

What they did find, was a small wooden object with strings. Upon closer inspection, it seems that it has some kind of pins holding the strings in place in one end and stretches to the other. It was just hanging on Adrian's bedroom wall. It looks like it hasn't been touched for a while. It was just ther, gathering dust. Skógr takes if from the wall, brings it to Michael down stairs and asks what it is.

He said it is a Viol, it belonged to their father. Michael taught Skógr how to play and soon, Adrian taught them how to master it. Some nights, Skógr loved to play the Viol on top of trees. Sometimes Adrian and Michael could hear them playing, including other residents but they don't mind because it was such a beautiful tune.

Skógr got hired as a bard in one of the local taverns when the owner heard the sound that danced her heart out. They worked for day and night and earned good payments. Everyday, Skógr comes home with 90-180 copper peaces. Adrian and Michael were struggling a little bit to provide, but this is a great deal for them. With that, Skógr took multiple shifts of the week. From noon to night, from dusk to midnight, and from morning to dusk.

When Skógr left after the night shift, they arrived home with no one in the library. Candles and lanterns are still lit. Usually, Adrian waits for them on the desk, but no one is there. Perhaps she's at the back with Michael. Skógr locks the front door and blows out the flames. They went to the back and see no one at all. They start to worry about their disappearance. They check their rooms and there was nobody there. They last saw each other when Skógr left for the shift.

Skógr then used a spell that allows them to recite what happened in the past. They found out that the two of them went out with hunting gear. They only went out together when Michael got a large order or a valuable trade that cost a small fortune. The question is, why did the leave? Why did Adrian leave the candles lit? Why didn't they leave a note? And, why aren't they backed yet?

The next day, Skógr asked the locals if they've seen the two. Another day has gone by and they haven't come back. Ten days went by and the building is empty as ever. Adrian talked to Skógr about joining a party, but they refused because they have their family.

Skógr then made a sign for the front door and a note for the inside. The note says "I'm out looking for my family" and the front sign says "The library is shut down until the family is back home." They gathered equipment, leaves the note, locks the doors, hangs the sign, and heads out to find them.

[inikavulpixelreviews]

Let’s Talk About Pokemon - ...*Sigh*... Gallade

475: Gallade

Welp. This is it. We're here. Dragonite for the longest time has managed to hang onto the sad title as my least favorite Pokemon. But spoilers, this is the day where it finally gets to be dethroned. When I started this review series, I had stated I didn't know what my least favorite Pokemon was. But after much a-thinking about it, this is it. Gallade, my least favorite Pokemon to date.

Just, let me make a hypothetical situation for a second. Imagine a world where there was no Gardevoir. No Gardevoir, and in its place, we had Gallade. It'd probably be one of those situations where I'd be disappointed the line's theming got dropped for no reason. The design isn't that great. It's serviceable at best. 5/10. Move on. Now add Gardevoir back in. And I mean everything about Gardevoir. The overfeminization of it. The fetishization of it. Its reputation among the fanbase. Everything. Gallade only gets many times worse within this context.

And with that, I'm gonna lift a page out of the Bogleech book as usual and go over my...

Ten Reasons I Dislike Gallade

1. It's a 100% Male split-evolution for Gardevoir.

Gallade here is to be a split-evolution off of Kirlia in order to make Gardevoir “make more sense.” As if to say “whoops, we done fucked up in making Gardevoir a 50/50 gender Pokemon.” So they made Gallade as a male-only split off of Gardevoir. Everything about this situation just seems horribly pandering to that side of Gardevoir's fanbase that got weirded out because what looks like their poke-girlfriend could actually be their poke-boyfriend. Not to mention it's such a boring and lazy idea to just make up a masculine counterpart for the super-effeminate monster.

2. The Supposed “Knight and his Princess Theme”

That's a common defense for the 100% Male thing. It's a knight saving its princess Gardevoir. But if true, that only makes it sound all the more banal. Like really? That dusty, decrepit old trope? And it makes the male-only side of Gallade even more an insult to injury. Real knights weren't strictly male. Gallade would get a pass so much more easily for me if it could just be female too. But no. And for another thing, Gardevoir's Japanese name also hinted that it too was meant to be something of a “knight” Pokemon. Which was a lot more interesting that playing it this painfully straight.

3. It's Just So Damn Boring

Even design-wise, Gallade adds exactly 0 special things. Sword-wielding emasculated monster? Snore. It got a haircut to look less girly? Zzzzz. A head-crest? Well whoop-de-doo. Even the shape of the arm-blades have been done to death. Gallade is unique in not very many ways. And even then, most of the things it would be unique for could be attributed with how Gardevoir did it first.

4. Speaking of That Head Crest...

Talk about an eyesore of a detail. It's far from the worst offender I've seen on Pokemon, but it does the design no favors either. The one thing it can be attributed to for Kirlia is that it's the red head-plates on its head, but why'd it turn such a weird, out of place shade of green?

5. It's Wearing a Diaper

I dunno what else to call that bizarre waist bulge. It's so ridiculous looking and out of place on a Pokemon trying to be all about the sleek shapes.

6. The Very Idea of its Design is Fairly Low-Effort

Seriously, the thought process behind making this thing cannot have taken much effort at all. Can you imagine if they just did this to every effeminate Pokemon that didn't have a 100% Female ratio? Painfully masculinized Ninetales. Milotic. Lurantis.  Primarina. Glaceon. Diancie. Gag me.

7. The Design has So Little Flow to it

That's a word I'd use to describe the Gardevoir line's design. Nice and flowing. Arbitrarily messing that up for the sake of this thing is both a clumsy contradiction of theme and just makes the design look like jank. Yes this goes a bit with the diaper thing, but it deserves its own point here. Especially because sleek and flowing are design elements that are so easy to get working together. But even then, the arms look weird and fake with how perfectly perpendicularly they’re drawn all the time. Markings not drawn well, and that awkward waist bulb. All topped (bottomed?) off with some real clompers for feet. Even some nice official cart art isn’t very good at selling the thing’s looks.

8. Yeah I'm Making a Point about the Legs Too

Because they deserve it as well. I see the logic in having wider feet because this Pokemon's gonna be fighting a lot more physically, but you can still have the wider feet and not wreck the physique of the whole line being some skinny, frail-looking critters.

9. The Coloration of its Mega

Seriously, that damn thing looks literally naked.

10. Its Popularity

Okay, call me a hipster then. It's far from the most important reason why I dislike it, I'm just disappointed this thing's done something so backhanded and low-effort but still did its job, and is among Pokemon's more popular monsters. Which in turn means Gallade ends up getting a fairly heavy hand in marketing. Meanwhile some legitimately good designs with a lot of clear care and thoughtfulness put into them like Probopass or Garbodor often get put on Top 10 Laziest Pokemon Designs lists.

Of course not that I hold it against anyone that likes the thing. All the more power to you if you do.

Gallade, out of all Pokemon, seems the most conventional you can get. Or at least pretty damn close. Its ties are in such boring themes and it's only brought down even further with a haphazard design and arbitrarily becoming a mens-only Pokemon. 

It’s literally the Gardevoir version of every cosmetic or grooming product having an off-brand “for men.”

Not only that, but it makes this line feel like a representation of what toxic masculinity looks like. And not in a good way. It either feels like A. Girls get to have a cool “girly” Pokemon so now we have to make a male counterpart to it, or B. A boy comfortable with having more traditionally feminine interests or even gender identity?! We can't have that! Here's a boy Pokemon you can be instead. That's better.

Mega Gallade:

Oh, yeah, and it gets a Mega or whatever. The headcrest looks a little better I guess. But it's so much of the same my opinion is pretty much unchanged. The cape isn't even very well drawn out either. I guess it’s fitting a predictably boring Pokemon gets a Mega that is completely and utterly unsurprising and has no neat twist to it.

Personal Score: 1/10

You get nothing. Good day, sir.

Tuning Up:

I mean... in all honesty I just wouldn’t have a “Gallade” to begin with in my little idealized version of Pokemon, but here. If we really must have a Psychic/Fighting split from Kirlia, here’s my best shot at it. Since the whole line’s about dancing, I figured fencing, a style of sword fighting more about precision or grace would be a more suitable style for Gallade here.

And yes. It can be both male and female.

[Archive]

[arcticdementor]

Outside of San Francisco, the name Alison Collins doesn’t mean much. Then again, why should it? She has zero impact on our lives, after all, and since so many people are oblivious to who their own Congress critters are, why should we be concerned with someone who doesn’t have a say in our lives.

But if you do live in San Francisco, well…first, you have my sympathies. Second, you may know who Collins is.

After all, she’s part of the San Francisco School Board.

She seems to be part of the woke crowd, but now the worm has turned on her and it’s something to behold.

…

Of course, Collins lashed out at Asian-Americans and talking about how they essentially leveraged white supremacy to “get ahead.”

That’s not the talk of the supposedly racist right. That’s rhetoric unique to the wokesters.

Now, let me make it clear, I don’t like it when old tweets come up out of the blue to bite someone in the butt.

That said, I’m not as bothered this time.

It’s not because I think it’s right that this happened in and of itself, but instead because it’s well past time we stepped up and started lowering the boom on these people for their own brand of racist rhetoric.

See, Collins isn’t suing because she thinks her comments aren’t racist, she’s suing because she thought she was being racist against white people and that’s supposed to be fine.

…

See, at no point will this kind of thing stop on its own. It’ll only stop when the risk of being destroyed is too great to embark on the path of the woke.

…

Then there’s the idea of deciding every political view one disagrees with is racist. Did you know opposition to gun control is racist? Which is hilarious because guess what motivated the first gun control laws in this country? Actual racism.

Yet the woke don’t care about anything like reality.

See, wokeism isn’t about protecting minorities. It’s not about making the world better for marginalized people. No, it’s about raw, naked power and nothing else.

It seems Alison Collins still wants that power, too. So much so that she’s willing to sue to get it back.

The fact that she’s in that position is just a drop in the bucket on what needs to happen to the wokesters in this country.

But the good news is that it’s at least a start.

Rally together, America. Time to make all of them famous and put an end to their nonsense.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #459

Top Ten Christmas Elves

It’s the last one of these before Christmas! And yet Christmas is still ages away really! Maybe I should have done the Christmas one next week! That’d be Boxing Day! Is that more Christmassy! Who knows! Woohoo!

Ahem.

Right, every year I try to do one of these that’s something about Christmas because, well, Christmas. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Just once I’d like a regular normal Christmas. Eggnog, a chuffin’ Christmas tree, a little turkey. But I’ve got to right these mother flippin’ lists all the time. And the more of them I do, the more I use up all the easy lists! Three years from now, what on Earth can I find to tie into Christmas? I’ll be ranking the Christmas specials of The Vicar of Dibley.

(That’s not a slam on Dibley, by the way, which is obviously in a particular style but can be devastatingly funny, and the recent specials have been quite moving, touching on the death of Emma Chambers. Anyway, there’s a Dibley Digression for you.)

Anyway, here’s another one that you kinda thought I’d have already done, and one that you’d kinda think would be pretty easy: best Christmas elves. Except when I sat down to write, it transpired that although there are a lot of Christmas movies, and a lot of movies featuring Santa Claus, elves are comparatively thin on the ground. Especially as I’m talking about real Christmas elves here; so Tony Cox in Bad Santa does not count.

And so, across movies, TV, and literature, and with a hearty “ho ho ho” in our hearts, and with no further ado, here I present my favouritest of favourite festive elves; a veritable cavalcade of Santa’s Little Helpers. Merry Christmas everybody! Be good – and what’s your favourite colour?

Buddy (Will Ferrell, Elf, 2003): I mean, it’s got to be, right? He’s the embodiment of Christmas spirit, he’s kind, he’s attentive, he throws a mean snowball, and he brings down the Elf Choir by a whole octave – in a good way! Elf is slight film, but a really enjoyable feel-good one, and Buddy is just so damn nice. He really is the best elf.

Bryony (Ashley Jensen, Arthur Christmas, 2011): a spikier, fast-talking elf, who seems so much tougher than Buddy (check out her two-tone hair and facial piercings). She’s got no time for any shit, but she is above all else just a top-notch wrapper.

Patch (Dudley Moore, Santa Claus: The Movie, 1985): a nice guy in the Buddy mould, but simultaneously more of a sadsack and more of an egotistical bellend, whose performative strop almost ruins Christmas. I’m being unduly harsh, of course: Patch is a sweetheart; naive and maybe a bit needy, but full of ideas and just wanting to make everything better. Has a sweet car, too.

Bernard (David Krumholtz, The Santa Clause, 1994): another fast talker who takes no guff, Bernard is suitably business-minded, caring only about completing Christmas satisfactorily, and giving little heed to the mental gymnastics poor old Scott Calvin is having to go through now that he’s murdered Santa in a cold-blooded attempt to seize the throne, Lannister-style. At least, I think that’s what happens. Anyway, Bernard is cool and funny, like many Krumholtz characters.

The “Santas” (Rare Exports, 2010): a sinister and slow-burning mystery surrounds the naked old men who show up during an industrial digging expedition in Lapland; is it Santa? But there’s more than one! The truth is shocking and, frankly, hilarious; a superb little pitch black comedy. The naked old men are grimy and gruesome but you wouldn’t want it any other way.

The Elves (The Christmas Chronicles, 2018): coming across almost Gremlin-esque (especially in the sequel), these CG critters are a fun and fresh take on Christmas elves. They’re part Minions, part Mogwai, part Attack of the Clones’ Yoda; leaping about in a dervish to help deliver Christmas.

Wiser Older Elf (David Graham, Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom, 2008-2013): Graham’s Wise Old Elf is one of the best things about Ben and Holly (a show I’ve regrettably not had cause to talk about for far too long – it’s awful when kids stop watching the best shows, isn’t it? I really miss this and Hey Duggee being on all the time in our house); giving him an older (twin!) brother who has the more “important” Elf job of running Santa’s workshop is suitably hilarious.

Ian and Wolf (Dan Starkey and Nathan McMullen, Doctor Who “Last Christmas”, 2014): they’re supporting characters – barely more than cameos, really – in a one-off Christmas special of Doctor Who; their very existence is all wibbly-wobbly. But they’re delightful fun, especially when they sarcastically chide Clara for not believing in Santa. And while we’re at it, Moffat’s writing of Santa in this episode is exemplary, one of the finest screen Santas.

The Forest Spirits (Klaus, Grant Morrison and Dan Mora, 2015): another excellent and rather post-modern take on Santa and Elves. In this comic, Klaus is betrayed and left for dead, but saved by mystical and mysterious “spirits of the forest” who may or may not be aliens. They grant him strange powers and eternal life, in a way that marries Christmas folklore with superhero mythology. It’s another intriguing idea from Morrison.

The North Polar Bear (The Father Christmas Letters, J.R.R. Tolkien, 1976): what? He’s not an elf! He’s a bear! But Tolkien’s accounts of Father Christmas’ life at the North Pole are rather interesting in that there’s not really a great deal of elfishness about them. Various clans of elves do crop up – especially during the wars with the goblins or if there’s a party, which feels typical of Tolkien Elves – but really for the most part the role of “elf” (as in “Santa’s Little Helper”) is given to the North Polar Bear Karhu. Intensely helpful and good-natured, but also incredibly clumsy and thin-skinned, he’s probably responsible for more chaos than anything else, but he’s sweet and adorable and the friendship between him and Father Christmas is genuine. He’s a truly terrific character, and although he’s not technically an elf, I think we can afford him honorary elf-hood for the purposes of this list.