#why did I think this drama wouldn't trigger memories

[atonalginger]

TIL you think the family drama you've set up for your big tough, dangerous character is far enough removed from your own lived experiences to trigger any memories or feelings and then you get to writing and...SURPRISE SAME HAT!

[nalyra-dreaming]

There's something about how we are collectively digesting the supposedly Armand messing with Louis and Daniel's memories reveal/confirmation that rubs me the wrong way. It's not that I'm not convinced that he was responsible for (at least) part of the tinkering (although I have the feeling that there was *someone else* who did it). It is that most of the discourse I see makes it sound as something kind of forced from Armand when imo the key to all of it it is precisely the fact that it is all a barter between Louis and Armand.

From Armand's traumatic past as a sex slave and his life with Marius to Armand letting Daniel live in exchange for Louis's companionship. Armand says to Daniel "Bartering with desire. Is that what makes you fascinating?" And that's exactly what his relationship with Louis is about cause this is the only way Armand understands love, as a transaction. And Louis happens to be an art dealer who's very good at running things.

Among all the relationships in the show, I think Loumand is probably the least wholesome (sorry Naomi but you were so wrong). And that's what makes it the most fascinating imo. Loumand is the most messed up relationship in the show not because of power imbalance like Armand Marius or Devil's Minion but because there is an agreement between them. I think that robbing Louis of his agency in the deal would be missing the point of both the novel and the show

Mhhhh. I know what you're getting at. I mean, you probably know I am of the opinion that Louis did invite Armand to secure Claudia's and his own safety (at first at least), and he certainly behaves as if this relationship protects him from the pressures of the rules (and coven).

So there is a certain level of... assumed control. But... There was this post a few days back, comparing Armand to a willingly leashed tiger, and I think that fits very well.

Because even though you know that I still think that there might be more to it all (especially wrt Daniel's memories if the 12 years DM truly happened), and though I do think that Louis might even have asked Armand for a reprieve... I do not think Louis would consent to an intrusion like this. Armand is still very much in control, and Assad put it very precisely I think, when he said that he just cannot relax with the truth... Armand is the only one who knows the truth, and who... has Louis under "maintenance". He "protects Louis from himself".

In fact I think this, and the missing pages, and a lot of other little things will come to a head now in Dubai. Probably will facilitate that "cataclysmic event" that I've been talking about...

I... do think there was a lot more to the relationship before San Francisco than there is after SF. Because Armand literally controls Louis after. He says that the name "Lestat" had not been uttered in their relationship for 23 years, but it's still a trigger for them both, leading to catastrophic results in a single session. Oh, the other "tri-annual" events and kills were bad enough, but this... this was new. And Armand went and made sure it wouldn't happen again.

You are right that Loumand is among the least healthy relationships... I would argue even canonically so, though of course the show has dialed it up to 99. (And god, I wished Naomi/her guest had never said that, the drama this statement caused, seriously). But I... I mean, it is more interesting in Paris and up to San Francisco, definitely. Or, at least in Paris. Because I think... I think whatever happens after the trial will already shift their relationship. Because why would Louis, this Louis stay with Armand? Why does he? What exactly makes him stay with Armand. (I think that will be a really interesting aspect in the show!)

For ME((!!!!))... that is why Loumand is not fascinating (Though I get it if it is for you^^💕). Because Louis is not well... and Armand... Armand tags along, they foreshadowed that on the walk along the Seine - and then Louis tags along, later. Or exists.

(*by a companion.)

Armand tries to salvage what he can while groveling for what he did in Paris. And that is precisely where their "agreement" stops, for me. Because if your mind is tinkered with... you cannot consent.

It's like being under drugs - you cannot consent.

And Armand has never been much about consent... unfortunately.

So yeah, that's ... my two cents on this^^.

It definitely is one of the most difficult relationships at this point.

We'll see in the next episodes where Louis' "agreement" with Armand stops, I think. Because if I'm right and Louis did not see this as part of the "agreement"? Then this will hit the fan in Dubai - and personally I expect it to (and I think, going by Jacob's statement - it will).

[devilsminion-armandaniel]

apologies if you've been asked this already, but im curious what your hopes are for dm in the show (in terms of happened in the past/will happen in the future/both/secret fourth option(?) and what you think is most likely to actually happen, if those arent the same thing

(it turned into a pretty long post when I had it all typed out, sorry.) I think my hopes are pretty much in line with what I expect the show to do. I definitely think we're getting Past Devil's Minion. it's been hinted at in promo too much for us not to see Luke again. Luke did a lot of promo to begin with for a one episode character, especially if we wouldn't see him again for the rest of the series. Compared to Madeline who was in more episodes. Now, you could argue Luke is better know, but I don't think Luke is anywhere near a household name. We have seen all three them of them talk about Young Daniel. Eric wants to see Luke do a scene with his ex wife/ex-wives, Assad wants a threesome scene where Daniel and Luke merge into each other. And Luke would like it if Alice was Armand. I think if Young Daniel was a closed chapter the actors would be discouraged from talking about it, as to not raise fandom expectations the show had zero plans on filling. Not to mention we had Vampire Sam at the big opening of the season 2 and we had Luke there as well. No other TdV actor was there, only the 'big' characters and actors. And where we haven't seen much of Vampire Sam yet, we will be seeing him again in S3. So, I think Luke being there and pairing him up with Assad for promo was a deliberate choice. There are some things in the show itself that also make me more sure that Young Daniel will return. We know old Daniel has a faulty memory and that he is still missing pieces. And that he also doesn't remember everything properly from how thinks it went. His own auto-biography isn't a correct story, as highlighted by Louis being the stranger he once met. Memory is the monster. Daniel feeling freer in Paris to hold 'Alice' hands, Armand triggering Daniel's memories. Raglan knowing Armand wouldn't harm Daniel. Armand caring about Daniel enough to stop Louis from hurting him, from crossing lines, offering comfort and apologies. None of that makes a lot of sense if they weren't something at some point in the past. Especially because Jacob said in an interview that after San Francisco Armand and Louis kind of went their own way, where they didn't always check up on each other. Armand, according to Daniel, would disappear for long stretches of time in the book, which could easily be during the chase. Armand going from Daniel to Louis and back. We also don't really know much about Louis' past and if Armand was always there. Nor do we know when Armand discovered he could walk in the sun. We have a good 50 years of 'nothing' that we still need to see. We still have to learn when and why Louis believed Lestat was dead and murdered by him and Claudia. Or when Louis found out Claudia hated him. And when he forgot about that. Why did Louis stop killing in 2000. What happened that made him want to change. Who did he kill? If we still have to get all that knowledge I have to assume, there is knowledge in those years that we also need about Armand, Lestat and Daniel. So, I guess, I always simply look at the book as being slightly altered but not much. Past DM is still the QoTD chapter bare the turning which is now their separation. And instead of Daniel going mad and being with Marius, the show aged him, gave him wives and daughters. The present is the show's version of the Prince Lestat trilogy. When they reunite. Anne never wrote those scenes out, so the show has a lot of freedom to decide how to go about this. And I think with this set up, Devil's Minion can be the best couple on tv in a very long time. With all the drama, love, lust, longing, fighting, toxicity and warmth, that only they can have. With the whirlwind rollarcoaster romance and the heartbreaking separation of the past, to the challenging, yearned for, longed for, painful, healing and hopeful reunion. I'm not psychic though, but i do really hope this is the direction they are going in, it's the one I would pick and I think it's the one that will have the highest success rate storywise.

[lostonmari]

SUCCESS #2 - November

Success #2 -- Everything I manifested in November

November is when I started this blog, and also ACTUALLY started applying all of the things I learned started taking affirming and thinking in my favor seriously instead of just sporadically manifesting random things here and there because I was too lazy to put in the work. I never had issues w wavering, but I was just inconsistent as fuck (Hell, I'm still inconsistent with posting on my own damn blog, yall can't possibly think I'm consistent with affirming!) So here's everything I manifested…

Manifested back my old bestfriend/ex-gf after 4 years no contact She came back, apologized for mistreating me and told me basically everything I affirmed for LMAO. and that's one of the things that gave me faith in the law because ik this girl would rather die than ever apologize to someone. Now that she's back I'm manifesting away her friends and leaving her broke down and in shambles because I'm evil and believe in revenge. yall dont know the type of bullsh*t this woman put me through. Idc if everyone is you pushed out, some people don't deserve forgiveness 🤓

My mom is walking again I successfully revised her shattered ankle without the weeks of recovery time the doctors "thought" she needed. She's literally walking around just fine now and doesn't need to wear her cast or whatever that big bulky thing was.

Manifested my brother out of jail on a time crunch Now I'm not sharing my family's whole drama online but… yea. he's out.

No more social anxiety, cured one of my mental health issues I don't wanna trauma dump or go into too much detail about my life but, yes. for anyone also working on mental health, it can be done and you won't regret trying. Life actually feels like it has meaning now and for once in all my years of life, I can actually say that I'm happy. 💗

Stopped nail biting COMPLETELY! I used to struggle with nail biting for YEARSSS whether it was out of stress, anxiety, whatever the fuck. but now it's completely gone. my nails are no longer STUBS, like theyre actually long and healthy. I didn't even affirm for this so I kinda think it came with improving my mental health since I didn't really have the issues that *triggered* nail biting anymore yk?. I'm actually the happiest about this result like yall don't understand how long I've wanted the natural french tips look 💀

[TW: Discussion of binging, discussion of food]

6. WL + Maintained weight loss! I literally changed my entire way of viewing food, and subsequently fixed my lose->gain->lose-> gain again cycle. Ever since learning LOAss If I binged I would be like: I just have a fast metabolism so that's why I'm so hungry my body is burning everything I eat so fast! and I would also tell myself calories don't matter because food is only energy. Basically, reminding myself of what Abdullah told Neville: "If you ate as I did, you would be poisoned because of your belief." (heavily paraphrased because my memory is terrible.. yes I'm working on it 😭) and it keeps me from feeling guilty abt eating. I ate SOOO MUCH food yesterday and I mean SO MUCH. I ate an entire box of cheese sticks, two large chicken sandwiches, 2 pb & j sandwiches total throughout the day, and half a tub of icecream for dessert… Yeah I was going crazy.. to the point I looked 5 months pregnant at the end of the night. Fast forward to today, my stomach is back to flat and back to normal as if it never happened. Food literally will not effect you if you believe it doesn't! This was my main focus too so I'm very proud of myself :)

Moral of the story is, never give up.

YOU decide what happens in your reality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There were times when I didn't want to affirm, so I didn't. If I felt lazy then I didn't consciously affirm or listen to subliminals, I just relaxed and went on about my day. I never made affirming feel like a chore. There were times when I had doubts too or thought it wouldn't work. I especially thought it wouldn't work for my mental health but I just affirmed anyway. When you're having resistance literally just know there's nothing bad that can possibly happen from believing in yourself and thinking in your favor. Just DO IT. Persist no matter what and you WILL get what you want!

I'll try to do better with posting my successes (but only ones that actually meant something big to me tbh. I don't see a point in sharing every little thing unless it was me overcoming some type of struggle) and answering messages but I refuse to download the tumblr app so yall just gotta see and hear from me whenever I feel like loading up this website. I'm just enjoying & living my life rn girl I used to dream about times like this and now I finally have them 😭

[agallimaufryofoddments]

When Huey tells Victor in Vol. 14 that his second-worst memory is "being unable to save my wife's life back in my hometown," and Victor musters a "...Hey.", that's him reliving watching Lucrezia's ship explode and conducting a frantic, futile search for Lucrezia afterword. 100% that. Even if Narita hadn't planned that part of 1711 yet.

Of all the things for Victor to have in common with Huey outside of their alchemic/scholarly mindsets, Narita chooses the most emotionally charged option via "long-dead lady loves" ...who remain the dead women in Victor & Huey's interrogation room because Victor has a job to do and Huey's not about to tell Victor that Lucrezia is, in fact, not at all dead.

Every. Single. Interrogation. Huey cordially indulges Victor while sitting pretty on the knowledge that he sent Lucrezia some sweet immortality elixir back in the day. (So did Fermet and Elmer, but who's counting?)

(Can you imagine Huey idly telling Victor as much in 2003 and Victor having to briefly contemplate the idea that Lucrezia is alive thanks to Huey? Victor's brain fries on the spot, already overheated with outrage that Huey's not only known but been in contact with Lucrezia.)

Huey could—if permitted to prove his claims—utter a few names, locations, and other details that might lead Victor towards a reunion with his 21X-years-deceased lady love within the month.

He doesn't do that since revealing he's connected to the Dormentaires would be a Stupid Thing to do. Sure, jeopardize 1935, why don't you.

He doesn't do it because I imagine that Lucrezia, at any point post-1711, would have reminded Huey to keep her a secret from Victor (should H & V meet again). Perhaps she'd even make that a petty stipulation in some deal.

He doesn't because watching an emotional man express complicated emotions over a long-dead, tricksome lover might be some sort of health hazard. Watching Mr. Emotions express raw anticipation of reuniting with his tangible, alive, never dead loved one might even be self-harm. Eh, but who says Huey still has a self to harm? Being immune to situations like this is his specialty.

(He doesn't because, hey, Victor already has the alive dame. Huey does not.)

Telling Victor about his desire to reunite with Monica is...not happening. Never mind any jabs Victor could make about Huey being loveless and unloveable; imagine what a waste of time it would be to trigger Victor thinking of Lucrezia and getting sentimental. Well, more than the "save my wife...hometown" line did.

Victor is sentimental about her. This is the man who signs off his reports to Lucrezia with "Yours alone" (LN17, Interlude II & III) while knowing he isn't "hers alone." In that second Interlude, he admits, "If I get the chance, I’d like to board that boat, too," but immediately quells Lucrezia's imagined fears by adding, "Don’t worry, I won’t leave for America on my own."

He probably wouldn't have, given his incentive to remain on Lucrezia's (much smaller!) continent. His love for Lucrezia gently tethers him and his scholar-adventurer's spirit. This is the man who came to Lotto Valentino "hoping to find was something out of some heroic drama, an evil secret society," and personally expose their dastardly deeds" (Interlude I). Szilard had mocked him. "What’s wrong with that, though?" Victor writes. "Alchemists can dream, can’t they?"

They can also go around picking anti-slavery fights with aristocrats, aka Victor's hobby. They can dream of exploring America, a land far from the immediate reach of said aristocrats, and conduct pioneering research, especially if they fancy themselves "a scholar by nature (with) a thirst for knowledge," like Victor still does in 1935-A, Ch. 2.

Victor's sense of justice presumably drove Victor into the employment of the federal government, whenever that first happened, but we've less information on when and why Victor became as patriotic as he acts. I think Victor has a longstanding need to be somebody with a cause, whether that's the dashing hero who liberates a town from an evil society, the activist who confronts pro-slavery aristocrats, the noble scholar who pursues and generates knowledge...

...or, in this case, an agent of a governing body who has sworn to support and defend (the Constitution) of the United States against all foreign and domestic (Huey) terrorists. Lucrezia will die of old age someday. Szilard is hunting us immortals down; so much for guaranteed eternity. This young nation is fragile—but what might it evolve into, in this land beyond the Old World's stuffy reach? If Victor perhaps becomes the Patriot for a sense of greater purpose, he may develop some genuine loyalty as he watches young America evolve over the decades, from rebelling against his former countrymen in the Revolution to choosing the path of emancipation.

(And perhaps he envies all the inventors and scientists who America keeps spitting out or inviting in from overseas. Patriot life nowadays is relegated to deskwork; Huey is busy tinkering with all sorts of contraptions and keeping busy with alchemy while Victor is reaming out some newbies in an office for the sake of a short-lived ego boost. This Victor has lived through wars and atrocities that the Victor who was ill one day into Lotto Valentino could never foresee.)

If Lucrezia still has (copies of) those reports, maybe she'll have remembered that Victor mentioned Niki in them and therefore decide to include Niki as part of the surprise, without any forewarning of Niki's inclusion. "Remember Niki? You mentioned her in your reports from Lotto Valentino, but that was so long ago." Niki was with her when they had that close shave with Victor and Jessica, which ~~along with some B! fics~~ means I have to entertain the possibility of a double surprise.) I mean, what if Victor had spotted them? It's not impossible.

If Victor sees Niki outright, that 'damnably ill' sickness he felt in Lotto Valentino may very well resurge.

He absolutely will remember Niki because he was impressed by the strength she had for a young person who endured what she did. "I think it was so painful that she had to maintain that distance to be able to speak of it at all," he writes to Lucrezia (LN17, Interlude I). He attempts a joke about Niki being no match for Lucrezia, but it's just a feeble coping method for writing about Niki's "revolting" account.

There's little doubt that Victor and Lucrezia will slip back into their romantic groove once the dust is settled, but I do...think perhaps this older, changed Victor ought to acknowledge the dust first. I'm not sure I want him to revert to 1711!Victor and react the same way he did when he learned that Lucrezia faked her death, nor react like Carla did, since Carla was similarly young. The timeframes aren't comparable.

(I'm vaguely reminded of Archangelo confronting Renee over the downright evil (his words) activities she's carrying out at Nebula. It's not the same level of badness, at all, but the "what are you thinking" approach has something to it.)

I am somewhat interested in a scenario where Victor learns about the homunculi experiments and Huey's "Monica" motive, because I can imagine Victor getting drunk and saying "wow, I handled the loss of my love infinitely better than Huey / At least I didn't create sentient beings and put them through stressful experiments all in the name of reuniting with a dead loved one / Holy shit what the fuck."

[syrinq]

sy's fun little long this 'n thats about littlest pet shop because she saw One Post and now it's all she can think about so she's got to postpone bojack s4e1 and it's also a good opportunity to just nerd out about old bobblehead animals

SEE?

anyway. ancient blue bird bobblehead lps moment because that was highly likely the first lps i ever got that got me into a fucking craze for these bitches from approximately 6-14yo

one of the first songs i discovered on The Famed Box Windows XP Computer was beyoncé's halo on youtube and it was thanks to a littlest pet shop amv

for some reason it was just accepted that miniature caterpillars in the lpsverse were like pet dogs or cats to the actual animals. even though it'd have made more sense for them to be babies to butterflies

this? this is a dog.

back when youtube (or some 3rd party) had Old Editing Software, people would show off their lps collections by making a geometry hell powerpoint presentation, royalty free music included, like this. this was the absolute shit and objectively the most perfect way to show off your collection in the 2000s. no exceptions. it's got the shitty dreamscape 009 amv vibe to it and i love it

the first taste of lps videos i got was sophiegtv's summer camp. the original one. in which some kids go to summer camp and get mauled and killed by a ginormous dinosaur in the forest that's made out of empty toilet paper rolls. or alternatively investigation of murders in lps csi. or high school drama and bloody stabbings in lps popular. sophiegtv was the pinnacle of this shit in 2009-2011 and will probably remain an lps legend for eternity. to me at least :)

alongside sophiegtv there were others that i enjoyed like elizalps, who'd make series and amvs and whatever lps related. like a haunted house video. or a hair salon video that i can't fucking find anymore. or a lps vip video where a cat tells a dog to kill themselves somewhere else. OH FUCK AND LPSLOVER WITH STRANGE HAPPENINGS. THAT WAS THE SHIT. and that's it because i literally don't remember anyone else because my memory is also absolute dog shit <3

i found it so fucking cool when people would make their own little props for their littlest pet shop videos. so little old me would make a house out of shitty carton for them. cut out a little rectangle and fold it in half, draw some shitty squares on it and bam you've just given an lps animal the ability to tweet useless garbage on a laptop.

the only time wikihow got their guide 100% accurate and totally right

i remember getting a closet with glass doors so i could organise and showcase my lps in it one by one by species. it was like a professional collection so i could look at them in the windows and go :) smile time! and also so they wouldn't dust off and die in the darkness of a closed box. now i'm an adult and i want a glass showcase like this for my gundams. thanks lps for teaching me this sick life trick when i was 9

one time i poured a bath for my lps toys and threw them in it so they'd have a pool party. big mistake because the mechanism that keeps their head & body together would get disgusting residue on it. and it'd make the heads bobble less. the result is a small child decapitating toy animals to clean this residue and the leftover water sloshing in their heads. anatomy below so no one else has to do such monstrous things ever again

becoming a teen and deciding 'the shit i liked as a kid is cringe now' was the worst time of my life because i sold about ~70% of my collection for ~30 bucks at a fucking flea market. to get funds for sims 4. i didn't even play sims 4 when i got it. the first time i touched it was in 2017. why did i do that. THIS IS THE TRIGGER FOR MY UNCOMMON UNSETTLING DREAMS ABOUT GOING TO THE TOY STORE, AND FINDING AN EXTREMELY LITTLE, OR NO LPS SECTION AT ALL, YOU FUCKING DUMB ASS

the littlest pet shop biggest house was like THE. fucking shit. you had this and you had every bitch playing at your house with this playset. you were like the lps god. one thing i particularly loved about this, was the satisfying feeling and sound of opening and closing the green door. the click. loved that door. just like the old minecraft door sound. (a short in-bracket realisation that the occurrence of me liking a particular door click noise has happened twice in my life, and for that i get two pennies)

you got bitches with this bad boy

speaking about noises. the bobbling head noise and the tip tapping of lps on particular surfaces like the wooden floor? that was fucking lit and was basically an 8yo's girl's sound therapy asmr or whatever. coming home with a new package and shredding it the fuck open and immediately bobbling the head like you're a scientist researching the bobbliness of each pet

a small section shoutout here about going to the toy store and running to the lps section and the lps section only because that was like. the only toy i cared about as a kid. the smell of the toy store hitting your nostrils. it was like smelling food and being hungry

giving particular lps to me was a mistake, especially if they had fuzzy fur, extremely frail tails or hair on their head. because 1) fuzzy coats would be scratched off by me like they were a skin disease. even though fuzzy coats were cool. why. 2) frail tails would get broken off either by accident or on purpose, like i was mutilating these poor animals to my horrible human standards like some breeders out there. 3) hair would get snipped off. so they'd have stumpy hair. why? fuck if i know

this? if you looked like this in 2008. god help your tail, for you're about to get mutilated and get a butt stump

building on the previous point, some lps also got 'fashion makeovers' by receiving pen markings or a glittery glossy nail polish coat because. i don't even know. why did i do that actually. is it because i had a need to brush the hair of a barbie and didn't have a barbie at the time. who knows! all i know is that putting barbie cowboy shoes on your fingers and prancing around with them like your hand's a fashion model was also the shit to do as a kid (this behaviour was later replaced by placing bugles and acting like they're sharp evil witch nails)

in what was apparently gen 2, hasbro started putting lps in little boxes because they had to categorise and put labels on them like ''cuddliest'' and ''cutest'' (uh oh syrinq's entering dangerous wording territory). anyway here's my tier list

at some point hasbro pulled a webkinz and also had plushies made with a code for a virtual world. their first attempt was lps vips and i was so overjoyed that lps were now in soft cuddly plushie form because the one other thing i loved collecting were plushies. when that discontinued they tried again with lpso (lps online). then that ALSO discontinued because for some fucking cursed reason online pet games like this and pet party, and happy petz, and kawaii pet megu, and fish with attitude and whatever fuck else existed, got mother fucking evaporated at some point. fuck you. anyway meet my pink cat lps whose name was little candy in dutch (snoepje)

the littlest pet shop pc game was fucking life changing. it was like the lps webkinz thing before the webkinz thing came out. dressing up your little animals. running around as your little animals. putting them on a swing and playing minigames it was so fucking awesome

this? peak gaming

throughout the years hasbro made some design changes. some for safety hazards, like replacing the foot magnet by a hole, which i was actually fine with. eventually. what i wasn't fine with and still think is bullshit to this day *cracks knuckles* (ohh! a list within a list!)

1. changing the pink magnet to be regular iron. production costs i guess but fuck you the pink magnet with the little paw on it was the fucking shit

2. removing the 'eye' part of the model and making them flat paintings instead. who the hell decided this. i'm coming to fucking get you and murder you. luckily this was a temporary thing for some lps things back in the day and soon enough the eyes were back on the model :)

3. (oh yeah it's still continuing!) BLYTHE. THE FUCKING WENCH. I NEVER LIKED THAT GIRL AND I NEVER WILL. it's like the person you hate for no reason other than you just do. blythe was this. it's about animals living their sillay little lives you don't get to put them on a leash. slut.

4. whatever the lps blythe tv show was. this was the horrible start of the lps rebrand and I Was Not A Fan And I Never Will Be. Fuck Blythe And Fuck You Hasbro

5. whatever remodeling shit they did to littlest pet shop in i don't fucking know 2020. the bobble head feature removed. the heads made even bigger in comparison to the bodies. yassifying the lps but in the most horrible way ever.

like whoever did this i'm coming to fucking get you

6. whoever changed the logo. i'm also coming to fucking get you. horrible fucking horrendous monster. it could've been way worse but still. i'm still coming to fucking GET YOU

7. the wretched LPS watermark

8. what in the fuck were these plush attempts before they released the 10 million times better lps vips?

has he seen the devil? is he afraid of him?

anyway back to regular trivia time now because my brain's fuels have been emptied out after typing this for.................. uh...... maybe close to 3 hours. how the fuck has it been 3 hours

the globe packages were the worst to open because you actually couldn't shred them open with your bare hands and had to get scissors for these cunts

sleddin' fun? where the fuck is my shreddin' fun hasbro?

also during this post i ctrl+z'd several times resulting in tumblr absolutely killing the entire post so i had to rewrite it like 4 times. because i'm a dumbass and kept forgetting that ctrl+z would kill the entire post on tumblr only. anyway before this i shortly learned that generation 6, the arguably ''better new'' lps remodeling, was from fucking 2017. what the hell. anyway hasbro is remaking lps for 2024 and i'll be fucking getting them and burning down their HQ if they redo it like generation 4-6. bobblehead supremacy

also there were special edition littlest pet shops that. i don't know. were released with special things at cons or whatever. like the platypus below. living in holland was a fucking curse in the 2000s-2010s because back then nobody fucking knew what a holland was. let alone the netherlands because it sounds like an alternative version of hell. so yeah little old me had to order these online like i was a business kid cutting sick deals

similar to dedicated beanie baby fans, littlest pet shop also had a fan-made website made with a database of all teh animals XD. thank god this exists because i'm too lazy at the moment to find my box with the remaining ~30% of my lps collection

do you have penicillium digitatum? no? you're kidding right? you're just being a fungi right now?

also. custom lps were a thing. the most epic ones were i don't know sold for hundreds on ebay. anyway the only custom lps one i got is a cheap ass deadpool cat one because deadpool is funny and about the only funny marvel character left in the mcu

end post. go fuck some bitches now

[vangoghingdavinci]

it's sad

how we ended

how we allow ourselves to end this way

how i allowed myself to drown in tears and pain... how i allowed myself to burn, leave, come back, leave, come back... how i simply allowed myself to be crazy and angry and jealous...

i'm too old for dramas like this...

but i did not accept our ~end~ with grace and self control...

some days i would watch funny, stupid videos to make me laugh... but laughter cannot conceal my tears...

i was chaos inside...

what we had was so beautiful

those two months were so beautiful...

no one ever made me feel the way you made me feel... music, poetry, long meaningful conversations, laughter, your passion-golf ... our dreams-- as hermits, our tiny house our dog... your photos on our wall... the sky and the stars at night... away from people-- just us... i'll read you poetry and you play music for me... and more...

you made me feel so special... beautiful words and the time you spent for me... the time you spent at the love shack....the time you spent writing beautiful thoughts for me to read when i wake up... the song lyrics and the songs...

you made me feel needed when you tell me about your concerns... your work, your family...

you made me feel i was so much part of you, part of your life...

when i was about to give up because i had so much to think about-- my father, my writing, my family... you never let me go... you stayed and listened...

and each day... i needed you... i need you to make my life bearable... beautiful...

and for it to end... the way it did...

i didn't know what to expect...

i was hoping that the ~end~

was not an end... but it is a beginning of re-defining what we have...

although you said you wouldn't be able to message me on ig...

i was hoping you'd email and ask how i was...

i was dying everyday without you...

but you never asked how i was...

i had to block, unfollow... because your "nearness" is making me crazy... how can you not even ask how i was?

you know how much i love you... i know you cannot question that... i love you so much...

i cannot believe you never asked...

you left me

to die

you know how painful it is to die

and breathe at the same time?

i had to live each day as if i'm okey, because my reality is okey...

inside me... i died...

there were days... when extreme pain just passes through me...

and i feel so alone... as i struggle with lost, silence, and distance...

in my moments of weakness i would reach out to you... but you pushed me away...

i know i was terrible... i was jealous and angry... you have moved on...

you left me...

i wanted to forget everything

memories are killing me

a song, a quote, a reel, a photo--- all triggers...

then crystal...

then your beautiful skies

starry skies

-- they make me cry again now, as i remember them...

then the beautiful sky post for her -- für dich

i wish i left ig and spotify right after our ~end~

i stayed because i hoped...

i was alone in the love shack... i stayed hoping you'd drop by and ask how i was...

all these memories just break me into pieces over and over again...

i remember how beautiful our love was

then the ~end~

how i responded to it the way i did... the way i'm doing now...

i understand the ~end~

but i cannot believe that it means the finality of it all...

didn't we start as friends?...

we can never be the way we were

we can never have what we had...

but can we be friends?

just enough friendship to stitch what i have torn.. just enough friendship for me to know how you are

i cannot go through those days again-- waking up, crying, anxious... thinking of you... and i cannot even ask how you are... and when i asked how you were... i scared you... and you pushed me away...

why have we become like this?

why have we allowed ourselves to end this way?...

why was i not able to protect our beautiful memories with love and acceptance?...

why the pain? why like this?

~~

[lilallama]

Okay so I was wondering how would Jeongguk and the other clubs would react to y/n somehow finding out he was their childhood friend? Like they looked through a photo album or sm (Btw I love your blog 💜)

a/n: I might do a 'what's in my bag' post with all the cc members. Also, the occult, drama and martial arts clubs aren't officially open, but I still decided to include them here.

I also have a new idea for Jk. His charackter will stay mostly the same, but I thought about an explanation why he is the way he is. With that I mean his impulsive behaviour, lack of remorse, temper tantrums, general disregard of other people, etc. Remember to please correct me if I say anything false!

I picture he has ASPD, or antisocial personality disorder. That doesn't mean that he doesn't like people or is shy, but that he feels little to no empathy towards the people around him. He has bad temper, acts impulsively and often irrationally, has violent outbursts, disregards other people's safety as well as his own, acts agressive and irresponsible, repeatedly broke the law and most of all, feels no remorse for anything. There's a lot more to it, but you get the gist. His father has the same thing, he inherited it. That means his genes are naturally vulnerable to that disorder, but how he was treated as a child was the trigger to develop it himself.

None of the clubs know that Jeongguk and Y/n were actually childhood friends. Jeongguk knows that Y/n forgot, but instead of reminding them he just blames their parents. It hasn't crossed his mind that he could just, you know, talk with Y/n. Like a normal person. The reason why he hasn't told the others is that they would probably take his precious memories away from him. According to club rule 3 ("All information concerning Y/n must immediately be reported to the club leader.") and rule 4 ("Every Y/n souvenir officially belongs to all club members and will not be kept for personal use.") Jeongguk already broke not one but two rules! That would mean he'd be punished, and he's not too eager to give up his box. He keeps a box underneath his bed. It's filled with photos of Y/n, old pictures they drew together, their first lost teeth, strands of their hair in small ziptie-bags (one strand from kindergarden, one from middle school and one from highschool), their old notebook full of doodles and secret conversations they'd have during class, his new notebook in whixh he wrote down everything about Y/n (all their passwords, address, their friends address' and names, who they've talked to etc.), their middle school diary and, of course, the pair of keys that they dropped (in his mind they're officially his now. The neighbour's even think he's Y/n's boyfriend). He's not going to give all these treasures up.

But if they somehow did find out, oh boy! Firstly, it's unlikely that they would've found out throgh a photo album, since Y/n's parents weren't so fond of Jeongguk and he never brought Y/n anywhere close to his parents. If they'd find his secret box, he'd get punished for withholding information. But let's say, they find out because Y/n found an old class picture from kindergarden and showed Hoseok. Then Y/n realised, that little boy who was clinging to them looked awfully familiar. They knew he was their best friend, until they moved. So they began to think; dark fluffy hair, big doe eyes, that recognisable smile, that bad temper and violent outbursts that contradicted with his softness towards them- Oh shit! That's Jeongguk! The boy who's dad was a serial killer, the next killer-to-be, that's why their parents didn't want him around them. Immediately they shared their thought with Hoseok who froze. His cheery smile turning stiff as he clenched his first, hoping Y/n wouldn't know. That little fucking brat. No way he forgot that, he just didn't want to tell them anything.

But after hearing they haven't really talked since they were five, he calmed down a bit. The club would bombard him with questions, asking what they were like back then. They definitely wanted to see pictures, but he'd deny that he has any. Their parents wanted to 'sabotage their love', he was never interested in his parents and they were both too young own an actual camera. The club let's it slide since it's pretty plausible.

If Y/n would not initiate anything with Jeongguk, everything would continue as before. But if they would try to spend more time with Jeongguk, the other members would start hogging Jeongguk. As much as they don't want to spend more time together than necessary, they couldn't just invite themselves to a hangout that Y/n planned. That would be against the club rules ("No member can initiate any activities with Y/n, except for the leader.") They also aren't allowed to deny Y/n's requests, but it wasn't Jeongguk denying their request, the other members just lied and dragged him away, literally.

For the other clubs, the skate and newspaper club wouldn't really care. The gardening club already knew because 1) they're fucking super spies (not literally yet) and 2) Chaeyoung was in the same class as them (in kindergarden, elementary school, middle school abd now high school, but Y/n never noticed her). The art club would fid it so cool. Both of them were best friends, they want to be Y/n's best friends too! The drama club would do a whole background check on Jeongguk, abd then never let Y/n near him because he fucking beat up people. The kam club would be shocked that that brat forced poor, innocent Y/n to be his friend. But as long as Y/n doesn't initiate anything, they won't either. The martial arts club would probably feel like keeping Jk farther away from Y/n now. What if he takes advantage of them, or puts them in danger! The occult club guaranteed already knew, they know everything. Breefly considered cursing Jk, but decided against it. More effort than it's worth.

[sodone-withlife]

let's play, my love

for @yourlocalheartbreaker , who posted this painful idea, i really hope you enjoy this! also, apologies in advance for the pain that this might cause you?

characters may seem a bit OOC. as per usual, this had little to no proofreading, so apologies for any mistakes. i might also post a commentary later since there are parts i kind of want to explain (or clarify)

warnings: substances, gun violence, canon-typical violence, abuse, suicide, character death

word count: 3.2k words

They were always good at acting.

He might have forgotten practically all of his lines up on that stage as the Fourth Pirate, but even that fiasco did not detract from his carefully cultivated image as the lone wolf, injured and bleeding but strong enough to rip anyone approaching to pieces.

The fact that she had single-handedly created the drama department in their small school that accommodated all of the children and teens in that little backwater town was enough to demonstrate just how good she was at both acting and standing tall in the chaos.

They were just as good as seeing through bullshit and picking apart facades, no matter how well-layered it might seem to be.

They were also just as good as ignoring what they didn’t want to see, and while that might have done well to keep them together, there was only so much they both could take.

So when he started feeling woozy in his home office hours before he normally hit his limit and two weeks into a local serial investigation, he felt something inside him shatter, giving way to an awakened creature crawling out of its sleep before he finally blacked out.

A gentle light was filtering through the curtains when he came to with a pounding headache. The smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted over him, and he slowly opened his eyes, only to flinch at the bright light that suddenly flooded the room when the curtains were jerked open.

Hotch blinked the stars away, looked back in front of him, and froze as he was faced with the evidence of his complicity, his weakness, spread all over the table.

The old birthday card.

A single faux feather that he had recognized to have been ripped off from that old costume hat.

An old ticket stub for the opening night of Rent.

A wedding ring.

Even though they were sealed inside plastic evidence bags, he could still smell the perfume he had bought her as a wedding gift, that she had sprayed on all of those keepsakes that she had left behind as taunts.

His breath caught in his throat when cold metal momentarily pressed against the back of his neck, but he forced himself to remain still.

This is the endgame. You have to play now. You can't avoid it like you have been, with your evidence pilfering and self-imposed isolation from the team.

“Don’t bother trying to move. Your handcuffs have been put to good use.”

Haley walked around the table, helping Jack up onto his chair before settling down across from him with a revolver deliberately placed on top of the table. She met his eyes unflinchingly, a cold sort of amusement on her face at the stone facade he was wearing that was quickly falling to pieces.

“It’s about time you are here for breakfast, instead of in the middle of nowhere doing God knows what.”

Hotch couldn’t help his flinch at the sharp jab, knowing all too well how true it was. He tried to force himself together, just so he could gauge the situation with a profiler’s eye, but there was only so much he could do as the once-hibernating creature tried to rear its head.

He focused back on his wife, who was still staring at him, anger simmering underneath an oddly genial expression. “When did you realize?”

It was genuine curiosity, he realized with some faint surprise as he cleared his throat. “I knew something was off two weeks ago, after the first murder,” he said, trying to sound offhand. “The pieces fell together with the third murder.”

“Was it a shock?”

His swallow was convulsive as he attempted to keep the bile down. “No,” he finally forced out, looking away as he thought about why.

My fault. I knew exactly why you did what you did within minutes of figuring out it was you.

“Look at me.”

Hotch flinched at the tone that was so unfamiliar and so strange, and forced his eyes over to Haley after flicking a brief glance at Jack, who was playing with his cereal on the other side of the table. “I know the others,” she spat the word, beautiful features suddenly twisting harshly in hatred, “don’t know that you have had a full profile ready for days.”

“Haley, I know you—”

“Do you?”

The ringing question struck him straight in his core, sending the creature in his chest skittering back as he swallowed convulsively, unsure how to answer. She scoffed derisively. “Well, we’ll find out then, won’t we?” she asked rhetorically, fixing him with a cold stare, rage simmering underneath. “Tell me your profile.”

It was an order.

And with a revolver clenched in her hand and their son only a few feet away, he could only agree.

“The unsub is a woman—”

“Wait.”

Hotch stopped, attention drawn to Haley’s hands, which were fiddling with the barrel of the revolver. Dread pooled in his stomach when he saw her empty the cylinder of all but one bullet.

Russian roulette

“You know what this is, so let's play, my love,” she said mockingly, closing the cylinder and spinning it. She looked him square in the eyes, steely resolve barely masking an anger that was becoming more and more clear. “I read your notes. You get something wrong in your delivery, and we play a round.”

He took in her clenched jaw and trembling hand and tried to summon up his years of expertise only to find himself at a complete loss, the storm in his mind frozen for the first time in years as he was faced with a situation he never could have anticipated. Haley tilted her head mockingly when he didn’t start speaking.

“Show me what you keep leaving me behind for,” she sent towards him tauntingly, hand twitching on the revolver as she lifted it up and let it linger as it was aimed towards his chest, only to bring it to her temple.

She lifted it up and let it linger as it was aimed towards his chest, only to bring it to her temple.

No—

She knows all of your pressure points, of course she would use them.

Use that brain of yours and think.

Eyes unable to leave the weapon, he forced himself to verbalize the stream of consciousness he remembered going through his head as he was writing notes three nights ago.

“The unsub is a woman in her mid-30s to mid-40s and exhibits traits of both an organized and disorganized killer. The killing of the first couple was spontaneous and unplanned, as shown by the messy crime scene. But it triggered something within her, and she killed again within a few days.”

How is it that, out of the two of us, she snapped first?

“This time, the scene was markedly cleaner and demonstrated rather high organization, which helped us narrow the age range. While the wife was killed quickly and efficiently, she loses all control when it comes to the husbands, evidenced by the immense overkill and the destruction of the mens’ belongings.”

How does someone so good snap before someone who didn’t even know love until they were a young adult?

Hotch abruptly came back to the present—you're not at a precinct, dammit, focus—as he swallowed, throat dry. He sent a quick look to Haley who seemed to have turned her attention to Jack, but the gun was slightly lowered and he could tell she was listening. He continued, now choosing his words carefully. “Victimology suggests she was inserting herself as the wife of- of absent husbands. She projects her rage at her own husband towards the male victims and her self-hatred towards the wives—”

“Stop,” Haley suddenly ordered, voice trembling in suppressed rage, and for a brief moment, Hotch wondered how far she had devolved since the last killing.

Look around you. Jack is just feet away.

She took a few deep breaths, trying and failing to return to the level of composure she was at before. In frustration, she slammed the revolver back onto the table, the noise startling both him and Jack, who only looked around in confusion.

She's losing control.

Well done for stating the obvious.

Didn't I tell you long ago not to listen to your heart?

The malicious voice of his father echoed through his head, an oft-ignored presence in his head louder, more present than it had ever been.

And look where that's gotten you.

“I'm surprised at how good your memory is, especially since you forgot about Jack's school performance two weeks ago,” Haley's scornful voice jerked him out of the storm that was once again gathering in his head. “No matter, there is another way we can do this,” she continued, pulling what he recognized to be his phone out of a pocket and dialing a number.

“I'm calling your team right now,” Haley said to him lightly, her tone a stark contrast to the manic anger that remained in her expression. “It takes about forty minutes to get here from Quantico. During that time let's tell them about all the secrets you've been keeping.”

The malice in her voice was like a blow to the chest, forcing all the air out from his lungs.

Haley…

Old lessons from the Academy profiling classes floated back into his consciousness—

Once someone devolves too far…

Years of working in the field, and faced with the woman he helped turn into a killer, he could only turn to the basics of profiling he had learned ten years ago.

Did I do this to you?

He flicked another look towards his son at the side, who was still happily entertaining himself and blissfully unaware of the sheer danger he was in.

… there’s no telling what they could do.

“Hello, Agent Gideon,” Haley suddenly greeted, voice still in a strange calm.

The team—

“Don’t talk, just listen..."

They'll kill her—

"I have a revolver on the table and we're about to play a little game of Russian roulette..."

They wouldn't—

“You would do well to start heading over here.” She sent Hotch a derisive look over, then turned back to the phone. “There are some things I'd like you and your team to find out about Aaron that I think you should know.”

Would they?

She placed the phone on the middle of the table and looked back at Hotch. “Here are the rules, husband. You cannot flinch, you cannot react, you cannot break eye contact with me, otherwise, we go through a round,” she began, her stare boring into him as she carelessly swung the revolver around. “Do you know why I'm doing this?” she asked, making her voice sound saccharine sweet and grating to the ear.

Hotch remained silent, all too aware of the team that was probably listening to him through the phone. Suddenly, his head snapped to the side as a sharp pain bloomed across his face, and the creature in his chest snarled.

“Say it, Aaron Hotchner,” Haley brought the revolver up. ready to hit him again. “Answer the question, or take the gun.”

Finish this.

His traitorous brain superimposed an old memory over her, his father's pose fitting perfectly, and something in him snapped.

A weight disappeared from his chest, it suddenly became much easier to meet her stare with his own dark look, the one he vowed never to bring home, to leave at work with all of the darkness that trailed after him.

Finish this before they get here.

Play the game.

“Uncuff me,” he requested simply.

The creature purred in satisfaction at the surprise that came across her face, but all he could think about how easily he was breaking his promises, ripping through them like they were tissue paper, why was it so easy—

“Try to leave, and I’ll kill everyone in this room,” she hissed into his ear, pressing the revolver up underneath his chin as she slowly freed his hands.

And there’s the threat.

He glanced towards Jack again, reassuring himself and the creature that the child, so innocent and so ignorant of what was happening, was still safe, and then at the revolver that had been placed in front of him.

To be a coward, or to lose everything. That is the question.

“You know I don’t want Jack to go through what went through, a vow I had made years ago. You’re doing this to punish me because in a way, this is worse than what I went through.”

The answer easily flowed from his lips, much easier than he ever would have expected, especially knowing that the team was listening in. The creature in his chest was strangely settled, and he vaguely wondered what that meant when his attention was pulled back towards Haley, who had sat back down across from him.

He looked closely at her, and the high that was in her expression was easily recognizable to him.

How many times had he seen that in unsubs desperate for control, no matter how temporary?

Hadn’t he recognized it in himself for weeks after that night, twenty years ago? When he finally reclaimed control from the alcohol-induced monster that prowled his childhood home?

Taking a gamble, he decided to ask a question. “Haley, you’re entirely in control, and you can choose what to do to me,” the familiar buzzwords fell from his lips, tinged with desperation while trying to be coaxing.

He couldn’t help but flinch at the loud smack that sounded when she slammed her hands onto the table and leaned over towards him, the sound bringing up too many old and unpleasant memories that easily broke through the odd veil of calm that had set over him.

“That’s right,” she began, an odd note to her tone. “I’m entirely in control, so here’s what I’m going to do,” she said, snatching the revolver from his side of the table and opening the chamber again to rearrange the bullet so that it was in the next cartridge.

Haley walked back over and pressed the gun into his right hand so that she was controlling his finger over the trigger. Slowly, she shifted the chair he was sitting in so that it was facing Jack in his chair and brought the revolver to his temple. Hotch could only freeze, mind rapidly moving through scenarios that accounted for his miscalculation, and—

“Game over, Aaron,” she said quietly. “It’s been lovely playing with you, my love.”

He felt the warm blood splattering across his face before he registered the gunshot and the body dropping to the floor behind him.

Slowly with his ears ringing, he stood up, turned around, and stared.

And stared.

The image shifted, and suddenly he was in the doorway of his parent's old bedroom, smelling the sharp tang of blood that was diffuse in the air.

He blinked, and he was back in his house in Alexandria, staring at his wife’s cooling body on the ground with an apathy he thought was left behind in his youth.

But reality suddenly crashed over him in a wave, and all of the emotions he had cycled through in the past two weeks sent him crashing to his knees and the creature in his chest fell silent and still when he realized—

Haley killed all those people.

She killed all those people because of me.

All of those people are dead because of me.

She forced me to pull the trigger

I killed her.

…

And Jack—

He whirled around to pick up his son who was crying his heart out in fear of the loud bangs and wanting comfort from his parents, but he saw that a few droplets of blood had made their way onto his face.

And as quickly as the grief had cascaded over him, an inferno of rage was suddenly ignited within him, burning through his grief.

Stronger and more wild than he had ever felt in his life, it scorched its way through the remnants of his person, burning him from inside out with all of the passionate emotion and hatred and anger he had suppressed over the years until all he could hear was the roaring of the creature inside his chest and all could see was the child that had been the catalyst to a series of events that got his mother killed—

she protected me and he beat her to death

—had gotten the woman he had loved so much killed

she showed me what kindness was, she was a mother of two

–killed because of the one who should have loved her with all his being—

she was too good for this world, and even the darkness of their home couldn’t dampen her spirit, so she had to be killed—

The front door burst open just as another shot was fired.

And then silence.

Silence.

…

Aaron? Is Mama okay? I heard loud noises.

Mama’s fine, Sean She's just sleeping. The noises were my fault, I’m just making sure I didn’t wake her up.

Oh. Okay.

Go with your friends, I know they’re waiting for you.

He knew they were looking at him in horror.

Why wouldn’t they?

He was, after all, standing above the bodies of the two people he was supposed to love and cherish until his dying day.

But they only saw the obvious. They didn’t see that it was his own fault this happened, they didn't see the masks fall and they didn't see the creature prowling about, preparing to rip anyone approaching to pieces.

They didn’t see that this was the only way to make things right, to make sure his cold, ravenous darkness didn't swallow everything now that it was free after twenty years of waiting.

The cold metal tasted of bitter victory.

He smiled.

His father remarried within months, and Sean grew close to their stepmother.

But his little brother was forgetting their biological mother, and soon, he would be the only one in the family who thought about her.

That revelation had hurt more than he could bear.

Over the years, though, he had hardened, and the creature in his chest that was born when he saw his mother take her last painful breaths had learned to bide its time.

He knew of his father’s plans already.

He knew where the note was, where the will was, where the gun safe was.

He was supposed to be on the way to college for his freshman year, and Sean was over at a friend’s place for a sleepover.

It was a warm night, and his father hadn’t raided his stash of alcohol yet, hadn’t turned into a creature of rage.

Which meant they were both fully aware and cognizant when he shoved the metal into the man’s mouth with an ease and apathy that shouldn't be seen in a healthy, well-adjusted teenager—

His smile had always been too sharp, his eyes too dark.

His love was twisted and broken.

Hidden, it lay in wait, ready to destroy everything that posed a threat.

…

He tilted the gun upward, pressing into the roof of the man’s mouth.

He pulled the trigger.

[myexplicittarotjournal]

🏳️‍🌈 My two long term relationships: when is it time to break one? (Part 2)

So, where did I stop? Oh yeah. I came in like a wrecking ball on our lunch together. Yes, I decided I would tell Charles everything I was feeling. And, of course, I was delusional about him pretending to have a boyfriend to avoid me 😓. The boyfriend was real. And I can't make everything about me.

1️⃣ I'm not (all that) crazy 💣💥

But I was right about everything else. Charles did pretend he did not see my message. And he did ghost me when I most needed him as a friend.

He apologized, but the more he would tell me he was sorry, the more I would get angry at him. And I decided to pay the bill and storm out of the restaurant, determined never to see him again.

2️⃣ Guilty as (not) charged 👩🏻‍⚖️

But not even a few hours later, I regretted it. And I messaged Charles saying I was sorry for treating him like that 👉👈. But this time, he said, he didn't want to see me because even though he apologized, I stormed out of the restaurant angry with him.

Well, I don't want to annoy you, my dear reader, with all that nonsense and drama. Still, after many comings and goings, some more dramatic than others, slowly, with the help of some Buddhist teachings 🕉️, a lot of meditation 🧘, and daily intakes of 100mg of Zoloft 💊, I did come out of my depression. I was able to forgive him, forgive myself, move forward, and forget the past.

3️⃣ Bringing sexy back

One year later after, we slowly started speaking again, and we started having sex too 🍑.

We even had sex without condoms, because as you know, these days, the medication I take is super powerful, and it's impossible for me to transmit even if I was a bad person and wanted it. And I think Charles was also taking the prep, so it was the first time I had sex with someone condomless in a long time, and it was terrific 👌.

4️⃣ To drag or not to drag 🤷🏻‍♂️

To the surprise of no one, his relationship with the bartender twink didn't last long. And he is single again. Today our relationship is not much different from what it was before, but... I don't know. Why do I keep dragging this?

My husband doesn't like Charles, so it's not like I can be a close friend with him. After all, how am I visiting him in Switzerland, as he always invites me, without my husband?

5️⃣ Painful Memories 🧠

And now he's back in Brazil again, he told me through a WhatsApp message. But something happened that triggered those painful memories from when he was a bad friend to me.

Both my parents have got Covid 🦠, and for the last two weeks, I've been driving them up and down hospitals and laboratories for health exams and medical consults.

My dad even had to be hospitalized. But they are both alright now. They've taken both shots of the vaccine, and even though they are elderly, they recovered from this horrible disease apparently with no after-effects 🙏🏻.

6️⃣ People don’t change

Still, when I told him that, he showed absolutely no concern with me. He didn't ask me how I was. How are my parents? He limited himself by sending me pictures of him dining in a fancy restaurant "with plenty social distancing," as he put it.

Why on Earth 🌎 would you talk about yourself when someone just told you he is dealing with Covid on his family?

It's been a week since I've told him, and God forbid, my parents could have died, and he wouldn't know.

7️⃣ Don’t bother me with your problems 💩

So, you know what I mean when I said it triggered me those horrible memories? It seems like he's only interested in having my company when my life is perfect, and I won't bother him with my problems.

I know, I know, the protocol for when you contact people who have Covid is to quarantine for 14 days, but why wouldn't he even ask me how I am?

Maybe he thinks he's too rich to be my close friend. God knows what's in his shallow spoiled mind. And you know what? Why am I even dragging this relationship when it should have ended a long time ago.

8️⃣ Validation Is Not Love ☢️

My best friend Danilo, who I've mentioned before here, blew my mind when he told me:

You don't love him. You want his validation.

And that made so much sense. Yes! I don't love him. I want him because if he accepts me, I'll know that I'm worth as a person even though I'm HIV positive. I need him to confirm that I can be loved even though my status.

And all that needy validation is all in my mind. I don't need Charles's love, his consideration, or anything to know my worth. My sense of worth must come from within me, not from someone else.

And now here I am. I am waiting again for Charles to show me some consideration, or ask me how I feel.

And do I need that? Fuck that self-centered, spoiled bitch 😤. He can give all his attention to his banker friends who are more affluent than him and more worth his time.

9️⃣ What should I do? ❤️‍🔥 HELP!

So now, I ask you, my dear reader, what should I do?

A) Block him from all my social media channels, disappear, and never talk to him again.

B) I'm causing unnecessary drama. Just see him whenever you feel like, have some sex, and that's it. Who cares?

C) Tell him how you feel and "officially" break up with him, explaining how selfish he is.

D) Any other ideas you have (please leave in the comments).

For now, I think I will live my life as if nothing happened. I won't look for him, except if he looks for me, and see what happens if he contacts me. I’ll see how I'll feel about this, and proceed accordingly.

🔟 I'm waiting for your answers, dear readers 🥰.

Oh, and BTW, if you have HIV, depression, relationship problems, and you're looking for someone to talk to, feel free to leave your message here in the comments, and we can chat and sort our problems together. Or make them worse, Lol.

Anyways, I still think that opening up to someone is healing, so feel free to talk to me. I promise I won’t ghost you.

And see you soon 👋.

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 4/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! So I realised I forgot to explain the idea behind this story. This is part of a series I'm working on called 'Head in the Clouds' - stories that are inspired by the music of Joji. This story is loosely based off the music video for 'Gimme Love'. I couldn't make sense of the actual video cause it goes by so fast (if you watch it you'll see what I mean), but I kind of have an idea.

Thanks for listening to my TEDtalk.

Major Trigger warnings: Dementia, death, grief, homophobic slurs

-_-_-_-

2003

"Brianna, could you come here?"

I put my pen down on the kitchen table, not really minding that Grandpa was interrupting me. The studying was tiring, if anything.

Walking into his room, I found him getting up from his desk.

"Hey, Grandpa," I said.

"Brianna, do me a favour, baby. Could you read me this one chapter?" He asked, retreating to his bed.

Bit of an odd request for him. "Why? What's up?"

I picked it up, one of the many books that delved into the science and possibility of the existence of parallel universes.

"I'm just...finding it kind of hard to concentrate." He laughed to himself. He made a groaning sound as his back hit the bed.

I sat by him and read about 3 chapters before he said, "that'll do. Thanks, honey."

I got up and moved to the desk, briefly glancing at the front cover, at the main character with his telescope. Far off memories flashed in my brain. I put the book down, turning to face him.

"What are you smiling at, honey?" Grandpa asked, a smile appearing on his own face.

"I just...remember the night you told Jujubee and me about 'the other world'. We haven't stopped talking about it since." I admitted, putting the book back on his desk. "And we'd always play these games like we were there. Our lives would be so different. And just a little bit better."

"And then you found yourself wanting that in reality." Grandpa finished for me.

I was silent, but he knew he was right. "It's not that I didn't appreciate what I already had. It's just...whenever my anxiety was surfacing, or whenever someone was mean in school, or whenever I thought of my parents, I'd just...want to escape." I sat down in the chair next to his bed again, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it reassuringly. "Didn't you ever feel the same?"

Grandpa breathed out a sigh through his nose, his smiling widening. "Brie, of course, I have. All the games you and Juju played, it's called escapism. And it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Wouldn't you ever try to find one?"

"Find what?"

"I don't know. A door? A gateway to the other world?"

He didn't even need to tell me 'yes.' He had spent many years reading the books, sometimes reading them more than once, making notes and coming up with his own theories. He probably felt the same way I did. In darker times, when things didn't feel like they'd get any better, he was curious about his other-self.

I knew the answer was yes. But I liked hearing him talk about these things.

"Baby, it's something I've always wanted to do. I always...wanted to know if it was possible...to slip into that other world, find this house, and just hope and pray my wife would still be on the other side of that door. I'd kiss her hand and bring her back here. And, life would be complete." He confessed. His smile was sweet but also sad, "But you know, with old age comes difficulties. My brain ain't what it used to be. Just all these words. Sometimes, they're...foreign to me."

This was the beginning of a long year. All the signs started out small, usually, Grandpa looking out the window wondering when his wife would come back from the store and losing the ability to read.

And over time, it slowly began to escalate, getting worse with each month. So bad to the point he'd take his seat belt off at a red light and try to get out. Or he'd shout at Mom, saying she's going the wrong way. Every piece of my Grandpa was slipping away.

And it was all taking a toll on my own happiness.

"You look pretty today." Jujubee commented as we walked through the hallway.

"If you say so." That was all I could reply with.

"No, really. Your hair looks really cute like that." She tried again.

I had no idea what she was talking about. I literally pinned two pieces from the front to the back of my head. It was a half-assed attempt of trying to convince everyone I gave a fuck anymore.

"Yeah, right, Juju. I look no better than I did yesterday. Or the day before. And the day before that.

Jujubee paused for a moment, whereas I continued on. "Are you OK?"

I turned to look at her. "Yeah." I lied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

I wasn't ready for this, Jujubee concerns. The truth was I never told her about my Grandpa because then she'd want to talk about it, then I'd cry, then I'd probably go home and have a breakdown, then I'd give Mom more shit to worry about.

Judging from her knit brows, she wasn't buying it. Before she could even ask anything else, I turned back around, just wanting to get on with things and get to my next class on time. But Trevor just had to be there. He knocked me hard on the shoulder, making me drop my books and almost fall to the ground.

He quickly spun around, watching me collect my books. "Man, who put that trash there?"

I glanced at him with a scorn.

"Hey, douchebag," Jujubee stepped in front of Trevor, "I can see you're a little butt-hurt now that your sex life is dryer than a nuns vagina."

My eyes were wide now, knowing that wouldn't sit well.

"What did you fucking say to me?" Trevor raised a brow.

"You heard." Jujubee said with such spite. "Why don't you go rub one out to your Mom or something? Stop projecting all your problems onto my girl?"

Trevor scoffed a laugh. "Your girl? What are you, a couple of dykes?"

My jaw was almost on the ground. I looked around, noting the students observing as they passed by. I couldn't let them know my secret. I couldn't.

"Why? Does that make us all the more interesting?" Jujubee squinted her eyes. "Honey, don't pretend the thought of us 'dykes’ making out doesn't make an insecure guy like you hard."

A sound emitted from my throat - A panicked sound. Like a yell, one that was dragging its way up my throat, fighting to get out. The attention of everyone around was on the situation, since when? I had only become aware now of the sounds of thrill and excitement. I was internally panicking. How many people were there? Were they even looking at me?

"Not in your wildest dreams, honey." Trevor practically spat the last word before deciding he was finished. He turned and walked away.

Jujubee approached me, rolling her eyes. "God, does he know when to quit?"

But I just stared at her, pretty sure I was trembling. My eyes were still wide, and my jaw stiff.

"Brie?" She blinked.

I could feel it, the lump in my throat beginning to form, like a hard stone that was lodged in place. Blinking a few times, I held the books tighter to my chest and turned to walk away.

"Brianna, what the fuck?" Jujubee came after me.

"Juju, just...leave me the fuck alone." My voice cracked as I quickened my pace.

She didn't follow me anymore. Thank fuck. Because next thing I knew, I was in a bathroom cubicle, quietly crying. I stupidly decided to not go to class. I say stupidly because, during the last period, Denali leaned over and told me she thought they suspended me. When I asked why she would even think that, she said the rumours spread fast, that I had punched Jujubee.

Oh, high school drama.

Of course, Jujubee didn't deserve this. She was only doing her friendly duty and looking out for me. But I didn't need any more shit from Trevor. I didn't want all those eyes on me as I walked the corridors. My home life was already too much.

I wanted to hold on to my Grandpa for as long as I could. But seeing his health dwindle, it felt like someone was coming to get him. And no matter how much I wanted to hold on, they were going to take him away no matter what.

Around 7 months in, his immune system was beginning to fail. He was bedridden.

I'd sit with him for at least an hour every day, either reading to him, feeding him, or just having a long talk. I had a tendency to write down at least one sentence from each conversation like it would provide me with some comfort, like he was still there. When in reality he was...he was...

"Why the sad face, baby?"

I snapped out of my trance, blinking a few times as I looked at him. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"What happened? Did someone break your heart?" He asked, following it up with a laugh.

I let myself smile. "No, thank God. I'm just sleepy. I had a long day at school."

"That's a shame. I was gonna suggest we break out the old telescope. I bet we'd find Cassiopeia if we tried hard enough."

My mouth formed a hard line, unsure of how to respond. As much as I wanted so badly to sit out in the garden with him, he wouldn't even be able to make it there.

"You sure you're OK, Brianna?" Grandpa asked.

"Yeah, I'm just thinking." I looked away, studying my nails instead.

"Well, if it's not a heartache, I bet someones caught your eye?" He asked with a smirk.

I couldn't help but allow the corners of my lips to curve up. "Yeah, actually."

"Oooh." He cooed. "And what are they like?"

I thought for a second, debating how I should answer. To be honest or not. If I lied, would it even make a difference?

Looking at his innocent face, I decided fuck it.

"Sweet. Beautiful. The bluest eyes I've ever seen." I paused. "She's an absolute angel."

Grandpa was silent momentarily. But just as the nerves were beginning to surface, he replied, "and does she know how you feel?"

"No."

"Well, why don't you let her know?"

I took a deep breath in. "Because...I don't know if she likes me back. I don't know if she even likes girls."

"All you can do is try."

"It's not that simple," I spoke quietly. "She's...popular. She's beautiful. She's...everything that I'm not."

My eyes drifted to my hands once again. If I cried, would it even matter? Wouldn't he forget?

"Don't say that about yourself, honey." He reached a hand out and put it on mine. "You don't actually believe that, do you?"

I lifted my gaze again, looking at him with glossy eyes. My silence spoke volumes.

"Oh, no, Brianna." He said with such disappointment. "I can't believe you feel that way. Ain't you ever stopped to look at yourself?"

"No," I whispered. "I can't stand it."

"You need to. Because you are prettier than you know." His own eyes were glistening now. "You may not believe me, but someday you're gonna meet someone who will show you."

I dabbed the inner corner of my eye, "You really think that?"

"I know."

"That means a lot." I smiled.

He gave one final pat to my hand and pulled it away. "Do me a favour, honey. Could you get me some juice?"

"Sure."

I stood up and left for the kitchen.

On my way, I passed through the hall, catching a glance at my reflection. Naturally, I would have disregarded it. But I stopped and stood in front of it. And I just looked.

I wasn't immediately satisfied. But upon taking my glasses off, my opinion changed. I learned pretty quickly my eyes were the best from my facial features.

I smiled. Best not. My frown was oddly alluring. I tried smiling again, this time with teeth. But the braces just ruined the mood.

Putting my glasses on again, I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt tiny paws tap my feet. Of course, it was just Piggie. I scooped him up and looked at both of us together.

"God has favourites, Piggie. Take a wild guess out of us two who it is." I looked at his face in the mirror.

He cocked his head, looking at his own reflection like he couldn't figure out what was going on.

I carried on to the kitchen with Piggie still in my arms, poured the juice and made my way back to Grandpa's room.

I pushed open the door with my foot.

Grandpa's head quickly shot up as I walked in.

"Sorry it took so long. I - -"

"Who are you??"

I froze on the spot. "It's me."

"Roberta! Roberta, there's somebody in the fucking house!!"

My brain went into panic mode. I set the juice to the side, put Piggie out into the hall and approached the bed.

He was continuously shouting, thrashing around in the bed as if to escape. I tried grabbing his hands, reassuring him it was me, his Grandchild. We had literally just been talking.

But he only roared over the sound of my voice, trying to fight my hands off him.

"Pop! It's OK!" Mom rushed into the room. "It's just Brianna!"

I took a step back, letting her take control. He stared at me with an intense level of fear. What did he think I was going to do? Who did he think I was?

"Brie, go to your room or something. I'll calm him down." Mom commanded with a crack in her voice.

With a wavered breath, I left. The sounds of his shouts, I couldn't bear it. I had to get away, even for a little bit. I needed out.

I hurried out the front door, stuffing my arms inside my jacket sleeves, and marched down the path. I didn't even look back at the colourful house. I just wandered. Wherever my feet were going to take me, I'd be fine.

In a sense, I felt cruel, like I was selfish. Despite wanting to be around my Grandpa for as long as possible, I couldn't stand moments like these. But you'd think dealing with this for so long would have toughened me up a bit.

Not even in the slightest.

There I was, marching down the street, trying hard not to have an episode. I tried to maintain my breathing, but the fast pace in my step didn't help. My hands were clammy, not that having them in my pockets helped.

Again, I had no idea where I was going. My eyes remained fixated on the ground. Therefore I was oblivious to the person hastily approaching.

"Brianna, Jesus!"

Jujubee now stood in front of me with her hand on my shoulder. I opened my mouth to speak, but she beat me to it.

"I said your name like 5 times, girl." Jujubee dropped her hand. Her eyes looked me up and down, "What happened? You're shaking."

I was?

"I…" I tucked a strand of hair behind my hair, "I need a cigarette or something."

Jujubee dragged me to the bus shelter, sat me down on the ground like we were still children, parking our behinds wherever the fuck we wanted.

Despite the feeling of anxiety burning my insides, I did spark up a cigarette, anything to shift my thoughts from the current state of my family. Just something normal.

"Girl, are you sure that's a good idea right now?" Jujubee was itching to snatch it from my hand and toss it.

Instead, I said, "Jujubee?"

"Yeah?"

Eyes still glued to the ground, I blinked, "This is it. He's dying."

Jujubee didn't even need to ask. She knew about his dementia for months now. I had no choice but to tell her. The stress from it all got too much, and I was becoming more and more irritable. It was unfair to put her through that. I had to tell her everything.

Jujubee shuffled closer, "What happened?"

I couldn't bring myself to even tell her. Words couldn't even begin to describe the feeling. That feeling of just grabbing him by the hand, and running away as far as possible, so this sickness would just leave us alone.

I blew out a long cloud of smoke, closing my eyes as I let my chest deflate.

There was something about this moment in time. 9PM, at the bus shelter, sitting on the cold ground, smoking a cigarette, Jujubee by my side, her hand now in mine. It didn't feel real. None of it did.

Yet this wasn't foreign to me - This bus stop was the same one from my childhood, that day when baby Blair and I hid from the rain. Funny how the younger version of myself thought I was protecting her from her abusive father.

As bad of a time it was, the thought was comforting in the current moment, sitting there with Blair. The only problem I faced those days was my emotional outbursts and the emotional toll they took on my Mom. Oh, how naive I was, completely unaware of how life could get any harder.

Only 3 weeks later, Grandpa was hospitalised, his immune system reaching its lowest point. I visited him every day after school. There were more moments of forgotten memory, but it made it less frightening with Mom by my side.

One day in particular, however, he seemed in better spirits. It was as if the old him was back, just for a few hours.

"I'm going to the soda machine. You want anything, baby?" Mom stood up from her chair, pulling her purse from her bag.

"I'm good." I gave her a gracious smile.

She nodded, taking another look at my Grandpa before she even moved to the door. I could see the reluctance behind her eyes. She did this every time she left the room, no matter where she was going.

My eyes followed her as she left. Grandpa spoke, "Now that she's gone, any update on that girl?" He asked. I looked back in surprise. How he had remembered that was mind-blowing. He continued, "we haven't had a one-to-one conversation in a long time, honey. Give me an update."

I breathed a sigh out, lifting my brows briefly. "Nothing has become of it, no."

"Go get her, kiddo. You've got nothing to lose."

I smiled sadly. Easier said than done, Grandpa.

He coughed. "Lord, I'd love a cigarette right about now. Do me a favour, though; please stop smoking."

I wasn't completely shocked. He had noticed on a few occasions that he was down a cigarette. "I will." I wasn't lying. But I wasn't making any promises either.

"Brianna?" Grandpa looked at me now.

"Yeah?" I put my feet up on his bed, leaning back in my chair.

"Promise me one thing?"

"Of course."

His eyes remained on me, and he smiled briefly. "Promise me that you'll find a way to the other world. Could you do that for me?"

I had to admit, It was a huge thing to ask of someone like me. It was terrible to say, but I couldn't help but feel this was sort of selfish. Yes, he was on the brink of death, but how could he expect me to be such a miracle worker.

Instead of protesting, however, I just said, "Sure."

Two days later, he passed away.

I didn't cry at all, vowing that I would remain strong for Mom. I had already had my turn at grieving my own parents. And she was by my side for all of that.

Now it was my turn to be there for her. Throughout the whole funeral, I had my arms wrapped around her shoulders, like she had done for me throughout the years. It was a strange feeling - being the one to take care of her for a change. Her head on my chest, hand squeezing mine, it was just so hard to accept.

I almost thought she was going to crumble when they lowered his casket into the ground.

As I said before, there are two types of people in this world; those who hate the sight of their Mother crying and fucking liars.

Because, even though she was my Mother, she was his little girl. And losing a parent is losing a huge part of your life.

Everyone was invited back to the house after the funeral in the hopes the togetherness would lighten the mood.

Of course, it didn't fix everything, but it did allow us some time to breathe.

"You OK, Brianna?" Aunt Monét asked as I handed her some tea.

"I'm fine." Obviously, that was a lie.

I really did think I was doing everyone a favour by putting up the strong front. Little did I know the toll this would take on my own emotional well being. That whenever Grandpa came up in conversation, I'd run. If only I had realised that sooner.

I was afraid of questions like Monét had asked. So school would be a nightmare. Thankfully I was granted 2 weeks off.

The first week I lay in bed, watching box sets of The X Files. Pretty sure I almost gave myself a bladder infection from just laying there too long.

The second week, I finally decided to stop lying around and be useful. Mom recommended I break out the telescope one night. So I invited Jujubee over. I warned her beforehand that she was not to ask me any concerning questions or treat me any different. Of course, she was different with me. But she didn't ask any questions. We just carried on, looking up at the stars through the telescope.

The same week, I also found myself sitting in his room, feeling his presence very much there with me. So I took to reading his books out loud in the hopes I could keep his spirit entertained.

However, I only became interested in the books myself. I read one book. Then another. And another. And another. Fiction and non-fiction. All based on parallel universes. I couldn't get enough of it.

And reading turned into studying - taking notes, hypothesising, questioning.

And then I got Jujubee interested. Just 4 weeks after beginning, it was more than just a hobby. It was a prospect.

-_-_-_-

2020

"Miss. Caldwell. Miss Caldwell, ma'am."

I snapped back to reality, embarrassed that I had even blacked out at all. You'd think I'd know there were more important things at stake, now that I was in the presence of the Secretary of Defence, at a meeting in the middle of an almost empty hangar. Everyone around me, my team included, were important people. I needed them to believe I was on the same level as they were.

"Yes, the atmosphere of the other world," I said, hoping he would think I was listening.

"We're beyond that point now, actually." The General pointed out, standing with his hands behind his back. I couldn't lie. I felt intimidated by him, what with the uniform and all.

I glanced at his black badge, which matched mine. Did that mean I was a general like him now? Were we even on the same level? 'Cause when I woke up that morning, I tripped over my own feet and almost hit my head off the ground. I couldn't be on this guy's level.

"I asked if this place would be big enough for the construction of the rocket." He asked.

I looked around at the wide space. Yeah, it was huge, but when it came to constructing a rocket, that was all beyond me. Sure, it would probably take a good 3 minutes to walk from one end to the other. But was it high enough? I had no idea what I could even say to this guy. "Yeah, it's good."

I hoped it would be good.

"Then it's yours." He gave a quick smile. It didn't make me feel any less intimidated. He began pointing out different sections of the place, a small lab in one corner, offices in another, along the left wall was a cafeteria, and 4 sets of surprisingly clean bathrooms.

All this space, it was mine. And only an hour after the meeting with the General, we were already shipping equipment over.

"This is wild. You could fit two concert halls in here." Jujubee slipped an arm around my shoulders, the pair of us watching as a truck pulled into the hangar, carrying more gear.

I blew a sigh of relief out through my mouth. "I just can't believe this is happening. Like, why me, of all people? When do good things ever happen like this? Like, didn't I always say 'why do bad things happen to good people?'"

Jujubee laughed, "girl, good things DO happen to you. You have a luxury apartment in New York, you're filthy rich, you're a celebrity." She playfully punched me in the arm.

"Well, you're not wrong." I shrugged.

"You deserve every bit of this." She turned to get a better look at me. "You fought for so long to get people on board with this project. You continued on when people doubted you when they laughed. I think you deserve good things to happen to you."

I smiled bashfully, looking to the ground for a brief moment, "Aw, Juju," looking back to her, she lifted a hand and held my cheek. Naturally, I would have shied away, but not now. At this moment, I absolutely adored this bitch. "I couldn't have done this without you."

"I know. You've told me." She pinched my cheek before looking away.

Her hand fell by her side, so I took it in mine. "No, really. You think I would have continued without you here? You remember all those times I wanted to give up? All the times you called me out on my bullshit?"

"Hey, somebody had to do it." She shrugged in return yet swung my hand.

"That's very true." I looked at her for a moment longer. Only now did I notice the way her lashes fluttered when she blinked, how cute that was.

Her eyes moved around the large space again. "Think we could fit a Starbucks in here?"

I pulled my gaze away from her, also having another look around. "Girl, you could fit fucking 10 Starbucks in here." I raised a brow in her direction then. "Should I?"

She laughed as she continued to swing my hand like we were just children again. Honestly, that's what I felt like; A small child in her own Kingdom.