#wisdom walks alone but i dont

[we-are-inevitable]

i usually sound weird/awkward when I send asks but anyway lets try it -- do you have thoughts on the different dynamics between davey and his family members?

i dont really know how to explain it other than like. putting it in an angst kind of setting LMAO but: it somes out a lot when david is upset, or having a really difficult day. those days happen a lot less than they used to, but they still happen; the days when he feels the weight of the world deep in the center of his chest and it's hard to even walk, let alone go to school or the lodging house.

mayer sits with him. for as long as he can, anyway; either he or david will have to leave, but david finds that the weight he feels is eased when he can rest his head on his father's shoulders and hear him say, you don't have to be a strong man all the time, david. it helps when david can talk to his father and get advice. his dad is more of a man than he'll ever be, he feels like, so hearing those words of wisdom- hearing that he doesn't have to be on it 24/7- it makes him feel like he's on the right track.

esther holds him. david has always been a mama's boy, and that's not changing. she's a very smart woman, and knows there's something different about him- something he won't let Mayer see- but esther is really the only person he feels like he can be himself around 100% of the time. so, she holds him, and lets his worries and words tumble out a mile a minute, and runs her fingers through his hair, and tightens her grip when her son, her baby boy, starts crying in her arms because it's all so much. and she doesn't tell him to man up, or push through- she tells him to let it out, and he feels like he really can. (plugging in autistic david here: his mother is the only person who can initiate physical contact with him without making him uncomfortable. for everyone else- even jack- david has to initiate the contact or he feels like he'll crawl out of his skin.)

sarah engages with him. when david is upset, there's a 50/50 change it will end in tears, but if sarah can get to him before that, she knows that she can talk him down. so, they have an old fashioned bitch session. they sit on the fire escape and air out their grievances- with the people at school, the family, the world- and spend so much time "yes, and"ing each other that it makes david calm down. maybe it's just twin brain, but they riff off of each other so well that they're able to vent without ever feeling the need to check in on each other, and david is grateful that he has someone who will listen to the edge in his voice, who allows him to feel anger and lets him express it. at their core, whether they're teenagers in 1899 or teenagers in 2023, they're teenagers, and understand each other on a deeper level because of it. sarah gets him, and he gets sarah, and having those moments where then can be angry and upset together and talk everything out helps both of them.

and les tries. he really, really tries- he may not know why his big brother is upset, but les will do whatever it takes to make him happy. he'll bring him toys, or give david half of his dessert at dinner, and it's something so small and seemingly insignificant- les is only nine, after all- but it's truly the thought that counts. les is smart, but david isn't going to burden him with making him listen to everything, so those little moments when they pass each other food or things they think the other will enjoy is integral to their relationship. if les finds david curled up on the fire escape, crying as he looks out at the city, he'll sit with him and offer him pieces of whatever snack he has. snacking is a privilege they often can't afford, and the fact that les is willing to give it up for david? it helps put his worries into perspective.

to simplify, i think the dynamics can be summed up using love languages:

Mayer gives David: words of affirmation

Esther gives David: physical touch

Sarah gives David: quality time

Les gives David: gift giving

and in turn, David gives his family acts of service.

[saltto]

– The Serenade of Stars –

Jenna Ortega x Reader

Pov: third person

Word Count: 429

an: first time posting i dont know how tumblr works

Summary: During a meteor shower, two astronomy enthusiasts cross paths, sharing a deep fascination with the cosmos. Beneath the breathtaking night sky, shooting stars streak across the heavens, forging an inexplicable bond. Amidst the celestial wonders, they ponder the infinite and mysterious nature of love in the vast universe.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the night sky turned into a celestial canvas, speckled with twinkling stars, there Y/N stood alone on the hillside. She was an avid stargazer, often finding herself drawn to the mysteries of the cosmos. Her heart fluttered with anticipation as she awaited for a meteor shower to commence. 

Not far from where she stood, Jenna, another enthusiast with an insatiable curiosity for the universe, marveled at the vastness of the night sky. Both of them had arrived at the same secluded spot to witness the spectacle, unaware of each other's presence.

As the first streak of light illuminated the darkness, Y/N’s eyes widened in awe. She gasped, her breath catching in her throat. It was then that she noticed Jenna, standing just a few steps away, gazing at the meteor shower with the same captivated wonder.

Their eyes met, and in that instant, they recognized kindred spirits. It was as if the universe had conspired to bring them together under the serenade of stars. Without speaking a word, they felt an unspoken connection, a cosmic thread pulling them closer.

As the meteors continued to dance across the sky, they moved in unison, Y/N and Jenna found themselves lying side by side, gazing upwards. The more shooting stars streaked overhead, the stronger their bond seemed to grow. They were two souls entwined beneath the celestial spectacle, caught in a moment that transcended time and space.

Encouraged by the enchantment of the night, Y/N finally broke the silence. "Can you believe this? It's like something out of a wattpad book, but it's happening right now." Jenna grinned, her eyes reflecting the shimmering lights. "It's incredible, isn't it? We're witnessing a cosmic performance, a reminder of how vast and awe-inspiring the universe truly is."

As the meteor shower waned, their time together under the starlit sky drew to a close. The last traces of shooting stars faded, leaving only a tapestry of distant lights. Y/N and Jenna reluctantly rose from the grass, but their connection remained steadfast.

They exchanged contact information, vowing to explore the wonders of the universe together. They knew that their shared fascination with the cosmos had ignited a love that would continue to blossom beyond that magical night.

And so, as the meteor shower came to an end, Y/N and Jenna walked away, their hearts brimming with hope. They understood that the serenade of stars had orchestrated their meeting, and in its infinite wisdom, it had bestowed upon them a love that was as vast and enduring as the universe itself.

[kanalaure]

✨ for the unusual headcanon?

✨ - Worldbuilding or background story elements.

the older an elf lives the more rarely they leave their elven community, or whatever place they've chosen as their own. not because they physically can't, but after...... mm, let's say roughly five thousand years of life other beings (men, dwarves, hobbits. i dont think this would bother the ents too much though) can start to feel that age in the air around them. it unnerves them to see someone walking around who looks between twenty-three and thirty years old but emanates the same feeling of incredible age you'd associate with the mountains or very old cities (or, more likely, the ruins of very old cities), and understandably the elves in question don't like being stared at by the entire local community, who are experiencing the uncanny valley effect en masse

galadriel and celeborn, both grown before the sun and moon were crafted, carry their years in their eyes and cast their accumulated wisdom around themselves like fine, delicately embroidered shawls

maglor, alone, wears his years like a net of stones set atop his shoulders. he is older than the cliff faces that border the sea he strides besides, and feels like it too

unusual headcanons ask game here

[laststandx3]

I'll be bitter for a minute and say it: i think the terror for how good it is, is also very partial on crozier on being #1 mister only good colonizer in the arctic, and i sort of hate it because the change happens only because he sobers up. and sure alchool makes people cruel, but sobering up doesnt make them perfect. he went from let silna be left on the ship without protection/kick her out for the tuunbaq if she doesnt help us/ rip the guy that died to get me a bottle of whisky, anywayy to peace and love on planet earth lets us all take this walk together while i share words of wisdom and love with this other colonizer who's also very sorry he didn't do anything good with his life. Crozier started the journey at least as a heavy day-drinker and i understand how that's different from heavy alcholism but at the same time i can't imagine all of crozier's faults being the consequences of whisky alone. and having him overcoming his alcholism and wising up immediately after being clean for a few weeks is FOR ME a terrible writing choice that paints him as being naturally good and his 'bad' behaviors coming ONLY from the alchool. yes he sees blanky getting hurt and that's starts his sobering up path. but that's not enough for me. the people (other characters state aloud for the audience) he loves more than god loves them are dying left and right. and i really dont care if corzier cares about the crew or not but if he cared he should have cared about them even when he was drunk and not remembring about their wellbeing AFTER he got clean. i'm not saying you cant enjoy crozier. i just believe his character development isnt earned and that he got it only because he's the designed good character that canonically survives in the book. i dont think that him shitting himself for a few weeks while sobering up can count as having the emotional development to go from one extreme to the other. especially because everyone else is also there sufferring physically and psychologically even more than him due to the fact that their all stranded in the arctic and dying of scurvy and no one else in the crew could have the time off work, privacy and attentions to heal. crozier being the 2nd on command and then captain used his power to become a drunk and later to clean up. and i just dont believe that a man who abused his position like that from the beginning just becuase he was pissed he couldnt marry the woman he wanted suddently stops abusing his position because he's now clean and pure. TO ME it's a bad writing choice that is also force-fed to the audience with the line 'more than god loves them' so that you get it for sure that he's the good guy who cares about people not like those others evil characters who would do anything to survive like killing innocents and being racist (the good guys could never. except they canonically did- but wait, not in THIS continent so it doesnt matter) and eating people (which is a sign of being naturally evil, no matter the circumstances) or following a religion in a desperate last chance of survival (again no one on the good guys side would put religion above good sense and the safety of fellow human beings. in this continent?? maybe? ugh)

in summary i think the main flaw i find in the terror is how much it still tries to draw a line between good and evil. instead of just trying to portray the human disperation for their mortal condition. how much having to come face to face with tuunbaq must destroy all of those men convinctions on what life/afterlife are (for what i remember it just addresses it for tozer AND in the SCRIPT) nobody else gets a life shuttering experience. it's either the devil, then good christians should be safe, or it's a different religion, then what?? what do you do when your life looses its meaning? and the answer for most of the charactes was 🤷‍♀️guess we'll think about it after this awesome party we're about to throw. i dont want this to be about religion, but these men are wrecked in every way, there's nobody to save them and everyday they're a little more in pain than the one before. there shouldnt be a camp of the good men lead by the strong and wise one who take care of their sick and lets the dying die peacefully with morphin. while in the bad guys camp they eat people and have evil laugh competitions and kill their sick with knifes bc giving them poison might make them unedible. and specifically those evil guys where also the reason why the expedition happened to hurt the locals, the good guys have nothing to do with it.

i dont think there's nothing wrong (narratively) in doing anything to survive. even if it's something cruel, because those men are at the end of the world alone, it's at least realistic that they'll try everything to avoid death. crozier(and jfj even if offscreen) gets to be cruel at the beginning of the story but by middle point they're shown to be sad (about unrelated things) and spend the last few episodes being kind and brave (and forgiven by the narrative) while their chance at character development is uniquelly given by their ranks. in the meantime the consequences of those cruelness (only hickey, because we dont get to see survivors of jfj trip to China, if he left any) dont get the chance to heal and change because hickey's position of subordiante never allows him to be really safe, and because his torture was public, automatically making every witness taking the side of the perpetrator. hickey's never given weeks off work to recover because he got lashed because of his own actions. hickey doesnt get words of wisdom from a companion because in his mind everyone agreed with crozier in him deserving the lashes, (except maybe tozer? but even that isnt that clear cut) hickey, manson and hartnell also magiaclly heal from the lashes after a few weeks (even when ANYOTHER character cant heal because of scurvy) so the narrative can't held crozier accountable for the pain he caused.

the good guys and the bad guys' actions are treated differently by the show. even when the good guys actions should have consequences and the bad guys' shouldnt. the narrative has already decided which sins will be forgiven and which will be punished. and it's a bit annoying to me because for how wonderful the terror is, i cant help but feel like i'm being spoonfed a narrative about morality when at its core the story is about humanity.

[xamaxenta]

How the fuck do these anons read my mind??? I was JUST thinking loz mas au a half hour ago and was waiting to get out of work????

Anyway mas as the reincarnating holders do the triforce.

Marco is the ever pretty prince of hyrule and triforce of wisdom. He’s generally cool as a leader but can come off as a tad too devoted to some. It’s not his fault the god of wisdom whitebeard is generally the favorite and a cool dude given he gives out blessings like candy and will just adopt mortals as his children at will. (Marco is ofc the favorite but people forgive him because it means he keeps reincarnating as the prince and is a great ruler). Marcos court can be shit though until he cleans house.

Speaking of cleaning house sabo as the triforce of courage and ‘eternally loyal knight of the prince’ (a bullshit excuse that is a pain in Marcos ass. Sabo sticks around Marco to annoy him because Marco can’t exactly punch his ‘knight’ in the middle of court and because sabo adores viciously purging the royals of corruption and Marco likes that) sabo is a tad less  conspicuous as the other two holders but that’s in part due to the fact that dragon god of courage doesn’t interact with many mortals and only really likes the batshit crazy ones.

Then there’s ace. Gerudo king(? He prefers captain only thank you but his sisters like annoying/bragging about him so this keeps happening) and holder of the triforce of power. He’s not actually the only male gerudo ace just reincarnates and transes his gender each iteration and his sisters are bros so started a the legend to make things easier for him when he turns up again. He’s got the worst reputation because the god of power roger can be…. Destructive. It’s not totally intentional power just does that and ace can do it to as the holder of the triforce of power. It has earned him a bad rep however and gerudo by proxy but the girls are having NONE OF IT.

Anyway they keep reincarnating and falling in love because they are meant to be a whole even if they have no memories of eachother each time. Same person just slightly different each time type thing and it’s great even if they have to occasionally help ace fend off the god of corruption Blackbeard who is set on possessing the triforce of power.

Except eventually it goes wrong as sabos parents in one reincarnation are especially dickish and cannot stand their highborn son favouring scum like ace when he could just be with the prince Marco alone. So listening to the shadow birdy on their ear they do a ancient ritual to seal ace away and essentially imprison him so he can never be an ‘issue’ again.

Sabo and Marco rip the world apart but can’t save ace before they die of old age and tragically each reincarnation doesn’t remember their past lives so they just….. forget about ace. There’s something missing they know sabo and Marco don’t fit together perfectly without him but they don’t know what it is.

Until eventually one lucky cycle they find a pretty male gerudo frozen in time and can’t walk away without freeing him

!!!! This is so detailed and well written i dont have much to say except wow!! I love it especially Prince Marco 💕

I mean I love all of this I’d love to draw something for this au would this make Marco and Sabo basically hylians?

Or would there be leeway for Sabo to be something else ?

Sorry if i sound like a massive noob

[weebnotheree]

A Winter Night | Enjoyment [Genshin] Trailer

Play the song as you read the trailer. {Words: 1040}

{You gave them all their nicknames(the ones in the parenthesis bar thing "[]")}

A hellfire butterfly flew its way through the ice stormy wind.

A soft melody of a girl singing could be heard. Soon hearing a soft whisper in her ear "Still singing beautifully as always. I can hear it all the way from here." She smiled more and sang a little louder. 

Columbina[Damselette] {Secret Little Girl}

The butterfly landed on a black fallen chess piece. There, a man stood. "The sage think themselves to be all-knowing. But we alone are wise to the virtues in those acts of folly," he says as he then began moving the white horse piece with telekinesis, knocking over the other. "In this war, not even a single pawn may be spared..." He held out his hand as the hellfire butterfly landed on the fallen chess piece. "Because on this chessboard, 'checkmate' is not where the game ends."

The Little Girl continued to sing. (tbh idk who they[he] was talking abt but imma put m/n in it)

Pulcinella[The Rooster]

"We are gathered here today to remember our dear comrade. And in honor of our other dear comrade, her sacrifice, all work should have a halt for half a day as the nation mourns their passing."

Chuckling could be heard.

The man had a closed eye smile grasping his hands together.

Pantalone[Regrator]

"Hehe, merely half a day... People say the Northland Bank's true currencies are blood and tears... But mayor, even speaking as a banker and against his word, that seems a little unconscionable."

A girl moved forward a step clearly annoyed at the Mayor's wording.

Arlecchino[The Knave]

"Rosalyne died in a foreign land...Perses was sealed away by that despicable Lord. But you heatless businessmen and dignitaries-- Always with a convenient excuse to remain in the comfort of your homeland... Not wanting to help. You couldn't hope to understand. So why dont you keep your mouths shut! We dont want to make the children cry.."

Chile sitting down in one of the seats(they're in a cathedral) chuckled.

Childe[Tartagila]

"Hey, c'mon now, even I dont think this is the right time or place for a fight. I'm sure we all know he's not actually gone..just..out there somewhere."

A little girl(or small woman) was sitting in a (compared to her)giant metal hand, that was holding her.

Sandrone[Marionette]

She scoffed. "Utterly risible!"

The guy next to the two began speaking as well.

Capitano[The Captain]

"Though her methods tarnished her honor and his dimed ways, Lohefalters sacrifice is a great pity. Her loss shall not hinder our progress. We already found indications on Perses. But Dottore... What of Scaramouche and the Gnosis from Inazuma? And any other traces on Perses?"

Dottore[The Doctor]

"Conventional wisdom holds that Divine Knowledge cannot be rationally comprehended. After conquering the Divine Gaze, he will make his next move..with a little help of course," he said as he lightly kept mixing the liquid in the capsule.

Another, seeming to be the head of the group walks out of the shadows, stepping up to the coffin.

Pierro [The Jester]

"It's time to end tonight's foolish theatrics. Right now, you have no captive audience. Let every worthy sacrifice be carved in ice, and with this nation endure for all time."

There was a space between Childe and Arlecchino. No one ever got in his spot ever since he was gone..I mean except for a newcomer harbinger that was too disrespectful that one of the harbingers ended him.

"In the name of Her Majesty and God of Destruction, the Tsarista and Perses, we all seize authority from the Gods..."

"Absolute peace"

"Such as the gift from Tsaritsa, such as Her Majesty's benevolence."

"Now you rest in this coffin, encased in layer upon layer of ice." 

The same hellfire butterfly flew down towards the coffin and landed on the corner of it.

"But, Rosalyne, I promise you... We will find him for you. And your resting place will be the entirety of the 'Old World'," the butterfly vanished.

"I must say, you're looking very young today, Doctor." a girl's voice was heard. A male voice agreed in a flirting tone.

"You're right he is pretty gorgeous for his own good isn't he?~"

"You know very well that I do not take that as a compliment." Doctor responded.

"Oh, come on Doctor, dont be like that. It's the truth~ Right C҉o҉l҉l҉e҉i҉?~" "Yeah![pauses]So, where's the Segment in the prime of his life, then?" A flashback of a tree burning –fire everywhere with him standing nearby.

The Doctor huffed. "Heh, he's busy with...a little experiment in 'blasphemy'. The other...following right along.[grins]"

Somewhere else. [GASPS] . . . ."Collei, time to head out on patrol" Tighnari called out. "Ah,[stands up]okay Master Tighnari!" she answered back..before looking at her hand. "What was that...?"

Another place. M/n looked in the direction of The Doctor..before he grinned.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Guess you found me~"

A curtain purple-haired boy stopped and looked back at the white-haired male not saying a word.

[rubberkiwi79]

Fast first draft. Feel free to critique.

Major Marcus Hoburn, commanding officer of Bravo Company of the Barghests Howl Mercenary Regiment, strode from the Headquarters truck towards his 85 ton Stalker Battlemech. Looking around the small clearing they were using as a temporary camp he spotted a figure seated against a tree, stetson dropped ofer its eyes.

Marcus walked over and kicked the mans boot. "Morning Staff Sargeant."

Not lifting his head the seated figure replied with a long slow drawl. "Mornin'."

"Not sure you've heard, a lot of people around here call me Sir or Major!"

"Not sure you've heard, i didnt call your father or grandfather sir when i served under them, not likely to start now kiddo." With one finger the seated man pushed up the brim of his hat revealing a face that appeared much younger than Marcus's 45 years. The eyes however held the wisdom of years.

"Alright old man, but arent you supposed to be doing something right now? Your Rifleman is half of our entire air defence right now with the aerospace wing grounded." Marcus said quizzically.

"How many times do i have to tell you," standing he brushed off his pants with his hat and turned his head revealing long pointed ears, " these ears can hear a flea drop a turd 2 miles out. No flyboy is getting anywhere near us."

" All the same Wyatt, for the sake of appearances, would you mind pretending im in charge and mount up? Briefing in 5."

"Since its you boss, just this once." The Elf slowly dragged himself up to attention and tapped his right eyebrow, yelling "SIR, YES SIR!" At the top of his lungs. The centuries old Elf bounded over to his mech, scaling the chain ladder 12 metres up to the cockpit. Within 15 seconds the head mounted radar was active and the mechs twin autocannon arms were scanning the sky.

"Like ive told you boss, when the Dandelion eaters showing off gets annoying im happy to squish him for you." A deep rumbling voice said above and behind Marcus. "No charge."

Marcus stifled a grin before he turned around to look the newcomer square in the metal codpiece. By no means was the Major a small man at 6 foot 2 inches, one of the reasons he piloted the stalker was due to the fact he simply didnt fit in some other mechs cockpits. He craned his kneck back looking up. And further up. On a normal day, just like others of his species, Sue stood a little over 8 feet tall. In the power armor he was currently wearing, it was closer to 10. "Oh, i couldnt do that Ray, he's basically a family heirloom at this point. Im glad you're ready to move, wheres your partner?"

The Troll waved one enormous Metal claw towards the tree tops on the western side of the clearing. "Off gathering intel from the local wildlife, as usual."

"Good, good. Tell her we're moving out. Briefing in 5." Marcus turned toward his Mech but had only taken two steps before the world exploded behind him.

"SHERYL! GET YOUR CRAP, WE'RE MOVING!"

Marcus swung back around, his ears ringing. "Shit Ray! Those suits have comms dont they? So we dont need to yell?"

The Troll grinned back and said simply "they sure do." Before bounding away with the aid of his suits jump jets.

Turning, Marcus headed towards his mech yet again thinking to himself 'yeah, but theyre my screwballs'. Catching movement in his peripheral vision he dropped to one knee as an armored foot flew through the air where his head had been.

"Sorry sir, the mana on this planet is a little off. Its screwing with my magic a little." While wearing a similar suit to the Enormous Troll, the young human woman was barely half his size. However the young Eagle Shaman could more than hold her own in a fight. Before the Major could even stand, let alone reply, she had sped off through the air.

"Friggin mages."

In truth, the young woman had been a blessing to the unit, they had gone several years without magical support and it had cost them dearly. In both men and metal. When Ray brought her to the dropship on Outreach 18 months ago after some R&R, nobody quite knew what to make of her. But Ray had said she was coming and so along she came. It took 3 and a half weeks to reach their next destination, an out of the way dustball that was home to a pirate band that had been preying on the local cluster. At least that had been the brief from the Fixer back on Outreach. What it had actually been, as happened far too frequently in recent years, was something else entirely.

Marcus had led his company of 12 Mechs and support Armor down the ramp of the Turtzburg dropship, prepared for a fight as always but not expecting one. Nor had they been expecting Word of Blake Militia. Two full companies of highly advanced mechs with Aerospace support. Suddenly Marcus heat warning had blared, threatening a reactor shutdown even though he'd yet to fire a single shot. There in the centre of the enemy line a small metal figure stood shimmering. Not only were the Howlers outnumbered and outgunned,

[grox]

my unsolicited wisdom is that if the 24 hr gym down the street has any of the following:

• indoor lap pool

• sauna

• hot tub

then its probably worth a membership for that amenity alone (sometimes even if they are tricky about it by only opening the amenity for certain set hours instead of allowing access at all times). this is especially the case if more than one from the list is present. and if it has all three? brother pack your bags and move on in...

more unsolicited advice. SORRY

24 hour gyms is the only good kind of corporate franchise gym bc its simply epic to have a place like that mostly or wholly to ones own self. youve probably heard this. everyone is always saying this. but it kind of cant be overstated imo, because of its truthfulness

the convenience of it being just down the street from you has me malding and seething with jealousy tbh but im a chill guy and im nice so its ok

& lastly, a particularly make-or-break factor to weigh is how often/well it appears to be cleaned. if the place is a fucking petri dish thats... well you dont want that

well bye (does the nileseyy niles thing)

Never apologize this is good advice. I'm not actually sure if it has any of them things but I will check when I visit tomorrow. I've heard good things about it from my highschool friends who go but yeah if its a go I can literally walk there in the middle of the night and work out which I am beyond excitwd for

Thank you and goodbye

[scribeforchrist-blog]

Don't Fight Against God!

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK
=========================
+ Psalms 56:3- Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.
=========================
VERSE OF THE DAY
========================
+ Acts 5:39 But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God."
‭‭=========================
** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **
I AM STANDING ON GOD
I AM NOT FEARING THE ENEMY
I AM WALKING IN THE AUTHORITY OF JESUS
I AM STEADFAST
********************************
THOUGHTS:
=======================
 We can try our best to stop whatever God has aligned, and people can try to stop whatever God has planned for our lives, but they won't be able to stop the hand of God. Many people have tried to stop God's hand, and they couldn't; we must understand that we are only human; whatever door is closed, it's closed, and it won't open until God says it can.
  Look at Pharaoh. He tried to stop the Israelites from leaving but couldn't; God got his way. Joseph's brothers tried to kill Joseph or end what they thought was just a dream, but God made it into a reality; no matter what we do, we can't stop God; even Jesse, who was asked to bring all sons forward and he left out one , which was David , but David became king.
  Nothing can stop God's hand from moving. If it's going to change, God is going to change it; if it's going to end, God will do the ending; if it was going to begin, God will start it. Anything with God in it won't be stopped.
 In this verse today, it was a man named Gamaliel, who was a Pharisee; he tried to tell the Sanhedrin they wouldn't t be able to stop anything God handed in; he gave two examples: verse 36 Some time ago, Theudas appeared, claiming to be somebody, and about four hundred men rallied to him. He was killed, all his followers were dispersed, and it all came to nothing:"
  In this example, he talked about a man named Theudas; he wanted them to know that this man wasn't real, he wasn't true to what he was doing, God didn't lead him, and he had 400 people that was with him, and when he got killed everyone one left, and nothing came by what they were doing, when we do something that God didn't permit us to do or when we do something that God isn't behind it won't last, I dont care how much money you have I dont care who you have with you it won't work because it wasn't built on God.
  So then, he gave another example in Verse 37. After him, Judas the Galilean appeared in the days of the census and led a band of people in revolt. He, too, was killed, and all his followers were scattered. "
 And once a gain, it was a man that led people into a revolt they too didn't ever see; these men didn't have God; they didn't try to build a foundation on God, but when we allow God to be in whatever we do we will prosper, and its nothing the enemy can do about it but LOOK .
  Verse 38: "Therefore, in the present case, I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! If their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail."
  See, he gives them a fair warning to leave these men alone and let them go. If it's from human origin, it will WON’T last, but if it is from God, it will thrive. He told them there's nothing no one can do, but just like anyone, some people won't listen even if you try to advise them. The word of God calls them fools, but when we don't listen, we become a fool of our ideas and theories. For anything we want to do in life, we have to allow God to be the head and tell us what he wants and how he wants us to handle anything.
  Proverbs 21:30 No wisdom, understanding, or counsel can avail against the Lord.
 

The Lord will have no one come against him, and whatever they try to do, there is no wisdom behind it nor any understanding. God will always win, and when people realize this, they will stop trying to disturb his plans in people's lives, and that's what happens; people allow the enemy to use them and to make them think they can overthrow God and they can't, we will never overthrow the word of God nor his power. God won't allow us to be overthrown. He won't allow any harm to come our way. As long as we are moving in the spirit of God, we will have what God has promised us.
  Matthew 16:18 And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock, I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.

Jesus told Peter that nothing would stand against you, that nothing would prevail no matter what the Sandrihen wanted to do, and that it wouldn't last because Jesus was behind Peter. He gave him that promise, and that's what happened; nothing came against Peter that last; we have to have faith in God that whatever he says, whatever he speaks will stand; we dont have to worry, we dont have to fuss , all we have to do is hold our peace until God tells us to speak, dont ever argue with someone about the promises that God has placed over your life let God do the speaking for you !!
  ***TODAY, we learned that God has a plan, and no one can come against his plan. No one can defeat God, and no one can stop him. They can do and say whatever they like, but God will always triumph over our enemies. But we must stand on faith, stand on his promises, and know that whatever God speaks to us will come true, but we must not fear. We cannot allow fear to direct our lives. We must let the spirit of God do that. If you're going against anything, don't get angry, don't get mad, smile, and know that God is with you and that enemy thinks he's winning; he's not; he's losing! When we are God's children, he will always WIN !©Seer~ Prophetess Lee
========================
PRAYER
========================
Heavenly Father, we thank you for everything; Lord, we ask you to remove the spirit of fear from us and cover us in your blood. Lord, today we walk in the authority of you! We thank you for it! Every day, we ask you to help us to be more like you. We ask you to mold and shape us, Lord; whoever is coming against us, we ask you to stop them; Father, we ask that you show us if we are out of order. Lord, forgive us of the sins we have done; help us to stand on you! In Jesus' Name Amen
========================
REFERENCES
========================

+ 1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

+ 1 Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ

+ Ephesians 5:8 For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light

========================
FURTHER READINGS
=========================

PROVERBS 5

NUMBERS 15

2 CORINTHIANS 8

JOHN 10

=========================

[courtneybriana]

2/7/21 8:33 pm + 6/21/23 5:52 am revised

— here’s the truth:

1. my parents were my first heartbreak. from the age of 5, i was aware of that and there was never a time in my life where i was not aware of it. i remember my 5th birthday like it was yesterday. it was the perfect day….until it wasn’t. divorce is death.

2. sometimes it feels like i’m slowly bleeding out in the street and no one can see me dying. everyone’s just walking by but no one is stopping to help. it’s like my pain is nonexistent…i’ve always been the person who never folds and figures it out on her own, or i’m simply perceived that way, so people seem to believe i’m never in need of anything…especially those who were closest to me. never in need of an apology, never in need of being checked up on, never in need of a shoulder to cry on, never in need of being celebrated or supported, never in need of being understood, never in need of more...i’ve realized…it’s like people think i’m never worth the love and care i’ve poured into them because i always seem to be just fine. i am just fine….because i’m the one who picks myself up every time.

3. these days i really miss my abuela…like a lot. it’s like once she was gone, nothing that made sense before ever made sense again. i miss her wisdom the most. there is so much i understand now that i didn’t understand then and i wish i could tell her here now in the earth realm. but that’s the irony of death…grief man. fuck.

4. for 22 years, i was against the idea that someday i might have a baby. me as a mom? never imagined myself as a muva or wanted that experience. at 24, i barely slightly welcomed the thought. maybe surrogacy? at 26, i smile at the idea that one day i may carry and have a baby born into this love and divinity with my partner. that alone is god and love, a love that i once thought i was too good. transmuted my pain into purpose.

5. in the last 2-3 years, i’ve come to realize a couple things. people never show up for me the way i show up for them. people don’t hold space for me the way i hold space for them. people don’t pour into me the way i pour into them. people don’t take the time to understand me as i do for them. everyone just leeches off my energy and takes until i’m drained of nothing and left to pick myself up by myself. so the solution has been simple: distance + acceptance. stopped pouring into energetic leeches because i’m sick of it and i deserve better. acceptance. i’ve stopped asking myself why and i simply poured more into myself, my craft and the ones who can easily and effortlessly water me as i them. if reciprocation and understanding aren’t at the table, neither am i. i’m attracting my soul tribe.

6. i used to wonder if God was lying to me; about my life + my purpose. he wasn’t. i have the kind of magic that can’t be named or recognized by soulless beings. the things i’ve worked for and manifested, the blessings i receive, the relentless and unwavering faith and self belief i have, the way God has transformed my life in more ways than i’ve ever prayed for or imagined…i am always so divinely taken care of it brings me to tears every time i think about it. thank you God, thank you Grandma, thank you to my spirit guides.

7. as i tap deeper into my inner child work, my childhood memories comes to my mind a lot these days. i can hear my abuela, mom, and aunts telling me to stay in a “child’s place.”

8. it took me six years after i thought i knew love to actually find love. real unconditional unwavering love. soft love. the only love that’s made me consider an idea of forever…if that even exists as corny as it sounds.

9. i’m a mystery these days. i’m very hard to read. i’m not as vulnerable to let you in as i have in the past unless i feel safe with you. i don’t really care to be seen or be in the mix. i see through all the bullshit and i dont really care to be around nggas cause everybody is pretending. don’t really care for meaning less conversation or to catch up. everybody is lying anyway. everyone is being fake. everyone is wearing a mask. no one is keeping it 100 with anyone or even themselves. shame + accountability no longer exist. the world is complete chaos and people are dying left and right. mfs hanging out for vibes and just to be outside but don’t even like each other and talking shit. it’s weird outside. bitches are weird, nggas are weird. no substance. no morals and values. no safety. everyone is moving weird asf. i can’t do the fake shit or the facades. we’re all living our best lives though, right? mfs ain’t bringing nothing to the table and i’m good, bro. in my own world always + forever. truly been getting back to the way life felt better social media because mfs are so lost in the sauce and i want no parts. it’s beneath me. i need to move.

10. fuck what people fail to realize. what i’ve learned is that people will always have their own truth of what they think happened based on their perception. so i’ll happily be the villain.

[pollylops]

just trying to make a comprehensive list of everything wrong with me

aphasia- difficulty communicating verbally and for about a year struggling to form written sentences and especially complex or more complicated sentences. THIS IS HARD TO TYPE im all over the place and none of this feels right.

brain tumors/migraine/tinnitus- seems like when i address these things individually they are like ahh yeah jjust gotta deal with it to which i say, ok but why do i not get access to SOME kind of treatment why cant i at least try to find something in this world to help me understand/treat and deal with living inside of my head 24/7/ i know i come off as quit normal but thats bc my nervous system WILL NOT LET ME UNMASK in front on 99.9% of humans. i barely unmask with my closest friends let alone someone meeting me the first time who i am QUite CERTAINly will judge me if i act too peculiar. i have brain tumors, migraine, tinnitus and i have no doctor or anyone remotely who gives a flying freak this is happening to me. ( I AM SUICIDAL IDEATION DAILY bc of my tinnitus and this is something i struggled with in silence at my job bc i was ableist, embarred, ashamed and confused. )

cptsd

medical ptsd from being not listened to and gaslit by over 5 physicians throughout my life

ptsd from not having medical care for 20 years

ptsd from going to the emergency room 3 times to get antibiotics because my mouth is full of rotting wisdom teeth that are broken, infected and shifting in my mouth for over 20 years leading to possbile severe blood infections i already have heart issues and this could be making it worse

back and spine issues- idk if i have a broken or slipped disc or degenerating discs on its own or if i have cancer and its causing fractures in my spine but i cannot move or bend without risk of severe pain or injury. i had a back episode about a year ago that PARALYZED me for at least 2 days.

i have trauma from not being able to access health care during this time of paralysis. not only do i not have health care I AM AFRAID OF DOCTORS and i need therapy and help to save myself from falling through the cracks of yet again another system. I AM TERRIFIED OF LIVING let alone working one wrong move and i cannot walk or move and i have nothing to help me access a world without legs. i already barely shower and cook food and care for myself properly. i go weeks without caring for my home. i am lost in my head often and when flat out asked how i feel i often cannot explain it or express it not only bc of the aphasia but also bc of alexithymia.

i have repeated trauma from not being able to access medical care. i cannot walk to a hospital from where i live. i do not have 24/7 transportation. i have had MULTIPLE emergencys such as FALLS, BURNS and mental health breakdowns where i have had to "ride it out" on my own alone in my apartment and i genuinely again do not know how i made it out alive.

i have trauma from going through the dehumanizing process of applying for disability. i find it to be insane that i have to prove i have been treating my disability my entire life when part of my needing help with my disability directly stems from the ongoing lack of care and access to it (treatment/healthcare/proof im disabled). PLEASE DONT LET tHIS PART GO OVER YOUR HEAD I FKN BEG YOU. this is inhumane.

autism - suicide attempts ??? i mean i genuinely have no idea how NOGODDAMNBODY in my life never noticed this but in their defense autism WAS NOT nearly as understand communally as it is in 2023 and we got people out here trying to literally kill me just for saying i am autistic so theres a ways to go on that front

adhd - currently this is what is disabling me the most, imo.

depression - suicide attempts 3. i was diagnosed with depression at age 15 by my family physician dr. radnothy. he also gave me medical trauma for dismissing basically everything i ever came in to see him about and i have a mole that is growing and changing colors on my side for over 20 years which i recently was told was NOT OK was explicity told to me was perfectly normal.

anxiety - i mean.... lol (i honestly chalk ALL of my anxiety up to autism and the fact that i was genuinely just overwhelmed most of my life but that overwhelm was not a valid excuse in the eyes of the believeres of our lord and savior in the year 2023.

paranoia

bipolar suicide attempts 3

bpd suicide attempts 2

dysautonomia -pots

fibromyalgia

schizophrenia/schizoaffective - during the time i was working i experienced this at its worst and as ive been home since sept 2021 i have experienced the affects of this less and less. at its worst i believed my bosses were all witches in a coven and they were constantly hexing me. i believed they were casting evil spells to make bad things happen in my life. while working at my last employer i:

experienced severe bullying (will provide examples) as the bullying and stress got worse the symtoms of schizoafffective became unmanagable. i think thhis experience triggered adhd and schizophrenia or at least thats the symptoms i experienced the worst.

pandemic started

my self awareness has not always been this good. i have written 15 and 25 page sociolgy reports when i was in college now i can barely put together a bunch of cohesive thoughts for this argument.

i will not survive without receiving these benefits. i want to be a part of society again and benefits would help me do that. please do for me what would have helped me years ago. to know that i was disabled but instead i was raised by an ableist family who would have rather pretended like their kid was okay and bury their head in the sand then admit that your kid needs help and you maybe created a human without truly understanding the ramifications. i mean moreover and disgustingly so my fucked up ablesit family would have rather my 27 year old severely brain damaged mom give birth to me not realizing her disabilities would not only make it nearly impossible to raise a child in a healthy loving environment then waste the opportunity for a man and woman to make a holy family in the eyes of our lord and savior of the year 1984.

willupdatemorewhennotoverwhelmed

[audible--silence]

“I’m a walking talking never shutting the fuck up tequila tour”

-

The mexican taxi driver sings along to marion ryan as we drive to the airport in comfortable silence. Mexico I’ll miss you

-

Whatd mexico teach u

I learned how to make friends, older with less patience

I learned to be uncomfortable again

I learned to learn is important

I learned that the good times need effort and risk

—

The sun hits different in Guatemala

-

A country that makes no sense

That works hard but never works

Rich in culture but poor of pocket

Maddeningly massive and chronically chaotic yet personal and real and increasingly sensible

“You cant fix someone that doesn’t feel love”

An old bar with enough charm to help you forget what goes on outside those walls is all you need to be reminded of the joys of pure judgement

At least they make money

People on the street drunk and high

Passed out

Not ok

Walking with strangers

People pissing on the street

Fireworks sounding horribly like gunshots

Old ladys speaking in Spanish

Cobblestone roads damn near claiming my ankles

My laptop in my bag

My hostel about to close

$140 spent on a girl i never had a shot with

What am I doing

Why am I knowingly wasting my time

“So his injuries totaled 2.2 million and he gets to the end of all his surgeries and looks and tells me, I finally feel like my life is worth something”

overheard conversation of annoying Americans

“Yeah a heart attack aint that bad, it hurts for three minutes then youre done”

same guys, about the same guy

“Did you get a moscow mule or tea?”

The guilt that I feel from traveling

To a place where my very existence here

Indicates my privilege.

I feel a resentment

A judging

An envy

I dont know even think thats the people

I think thats my own guilt.

To see people with nothing

And even those better off

Struggling

Never to be capable of even dreaming of the life i lead

Here an now

In their country

Let alone back in mine.

To know that all around the world, people would consider me the luckiest of the luckiest.

And they’re right

And i know it.

I should act like it.

We all should.

When life gives u lemons, give em to someone else as a blessing - bens wisdom

“I fall in a little bit of love with a lot of people, all of the time” - Not Wife - Shakey Graves

“And the entire continent of South America said “oh fuck”

“Yeahhhhh i think you might be un poco fucked in that case”

Say for example you decide to treat your very treatable cancer with orange juice and yoga, as an adult, you’re within your rigjts to do so

He came, he saw, he said nah

10/10 doctors say you should dance until the room stops spinning

Gatorade and lollipops

Ketamine always makes me sneeze

You cant remember all of it

Which is what makes it so damn appealing

The sound of a rooster in Guatemala, the way a sweet old abuela says your name when she needs help and the way the light graces the mountains and the lake

I wont remember it all,

So I better enjoy it now

Being a woman sucks but at least i dont have to contend with balding

Your dungarees get more action than you do

Do you reckon they race babies or just frogs n shit?

People kept saying that like “wow good on you!” But in reality we’re actually just idiots you know?

“Fucking Jermain!”

“I dont have a bank account. I’m an economist”

“If i drink too much I’ll just fall asleep”

“I wish i did”

“I wish you did too”

You know what

As i sit here reading my old notes

I take it back

I wasn’t bad

I was tired

Sore

And hurt

“You’re a good person”

Says the sweetest, most beautiful person I’ve met in a minute

With a crowd full of people I brought together

In a situation not unusual to me.

I cant be that bad

I just need to remind myself that i am good

And remind myself how to focus on one person.

Instead of every fuckn mf that calls themselves a model

[the-fantastical-adventures]

Play Hard (Cormac McLaggen)

Year 1:

1. The Sorting

Aurelia Pevensie walked into the Great Hall with her shy eyes glimmering as she took in the room around her that seemed to be swimming with magic.

"The candles," whispered a child beside her, "they're... floating!"

Aurelia looked up, squinting slightly, afraid that wax would fall right onto her face - the girl next to her was right, they were floating, but that wasn't what made Aurelia's eyes widen.

"They're not melting!" She whispered, her fists that lay on either side of her shook with excitement. "The ones at home always melt!"

The whispers of the other excited children were tuned out by Aurelia who continued to look around the Great Hall - her eyes flitting, very quickly, over the different House tables; Slytherin, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Aurelia wasn't sure what house she would have gotten in - her Uncle was in Slytherin, her mother in Ravenclaw, and her father in Hufflepuff. Her parents didn'r mind whichever house she'd get in - just that she would make them proud, wherever she was sorted.

Yet, finding everyone's eyes on her (at least, she was well convinced that they were staring at her only), Aurelia looked to her feet - one step in front of the other, that way you wont trip. Sounded easy enough - except, focusing too hard on that brought Aurelia to bump into the platinum blonde haired boy in front of her, which in reyurn, brought the boy to turn around and look at her with a look of disgust on his face, letting out a sound that sounded scarily like a hiss, nefore turning around. Aurelia was sure he had said something, but whatever it was, went right over her head.

Feeling the stares of everyone on her back, Aurelia breathed in and out as she dug her nails into her skin, willing the whole Sorting Ceremony to be over. ( It didn't quite feel like a ceremony, as she thought it over, standing there. It felt like she was waiting for some sort of death sentence. )

Soon enough, the walking came to a stop. She heard names of all sorts be called up, before the long line of students dwindled down to a few. The few turned into two, and then -

"Pevensie, Aurelia."

Aurelia breathed in before she took small steps to Professor McGonagall (as the stern-looking lady in the emerald green hat called herself). She was holding an old-looking hat, some of it's stitches were coming lose, and Aurelia wished she could stitch it all back together. Alas, she couldn't.

Gulping, Aurelia sat on the stool, her hands gripping the seat tightly.

"Whenever you're afraid," her mother would tell her when she had some sort of presentation to do at muggle school, "just imagine everyone in their underwears. That seemed to work for me."

Aurelia swallowed, looking at the rest of the students with wide eyes - imagining them all in nothing but their underwear only brought a bright blush to Aurelia's face.

She recalled her father laughing at what her mother said, saying, "Of course it'd work for you!" He then turned his attention to Aurelia and kneeling to her height, holding her by her shoulders and saying, "Just take in deep breaths, you remember how to do that, surely?" Aurelia took in a deep breath. "Now close your eyes," Aurelia closed her eyes, as the hat was slowly put over her head, "and imagine yourself... completely alone... comfortable... in a space of your own..."

The soft, loving voice of her father bounced around in her head, and Aurelia's shoulders slumped as she let out a soft breath of relief.

Her sense of peace was interrupted by a foreign voice that seemed to be in her mind.

A place of your own, the voice chimed, my, what words of wisdom.

"What the actual fu-"

And a foul mouth... does your moyher know you use such language?

Aurelia gulped. "No... i dont use -"

Not around her, but around your... muggle cousins, i see, you do.

"Only because they do! And they're mostly younger than me!"

You've got quite the creative mind, i see. Like your mother... but... Ravenclaw wont do. You dont like taking responsibility for your actions... or anything, it seems.

"That's rude!"

Hufflepuff... you are kind, quite loyal... hardworking if it appeals to you, and- oh, the House of your Uncle... but no. It won't do.

"Uh, my father actually in Hufflepuff?" Aurelia thought, her face contorting in confusion.

Gryffindor, perhaps, hmmm? The house of the brave - i see your courage laiden heart... even if it's buried deep within your chest. You would fit in... even though you'd be the only Gryffindor in your family... but you will grow here, find friends, perhaps, be the best you can be-

Oh, but Slytherin!

Slytherin... what about Slytherin? Your Father was in Slytherin...

"Correction: again, my Uncle. My Uncle was in Slytherin."

The hat gave a short laugh, before muttering something that Aurelia didn't quite hear, before ignoring her and going on.

You seem to take after him... cunning, sly... always get what you want... you coukd become a great wizard - perhaps, the best Slytherin has seen... of that is what you want... but... you'd rather not live up to expectations, correct?

We've come full circle, it seems...

Aurelia didn't have time to answer, because the Hat already made up his mind.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Aurelia felt the hat get lifted off of her head, and Aurelia shakily got off her seat, turning to thank Professor McGonagall, who smiled encouragingly at her. That made her feel warm inside, and a bright smile appeared on Aurelia's face as she walked with a happy skip in her step, to the table covered in scarlett and gold - all of them having erupted in cheers, bringing Aurelia to lift her shoulders and let them fall in happiness, as she turned her attention to the last boy who would get skrted.

The house of the brave, she was sorted in. She could barely believe it! But, she trusted the sorting hat, as absurd as it may have seemed - after all, her father, mother and uncle did excel in the houses they were sorted in.

Yes, she may not have been brave at the beginning of her life, but she would carry the pride of being a Gryffindor on her shoulders, and she would do whatever it took to make her parents proud of her.

|

Aurelia's so funny man I made her when I was in 11th grade and 16/17 I love her and I missed her and I think my friends did as well.

Also, the name Pevensie is now my go-to pureblood surname thingy - reason being I'm in my Narnia feels and also because I didn't like her og surname (Tybault, but I mean... I suppose I could make her surname Capulet, because Aurelia Capulet sounds cute - wayyy better than Graham Montague lol)

[catnherthoughts]

not doing too well 3/6/23

how wonderful my life is. i get to go through all of this all on my own. i don't think i've ever felt this alone before. yes, i can talk to my friends about my issues but at the end of the day they don't care that much. they can't care enough to fix it. it's whatever, we ball i guess. he walks around and goes about his days. i bet he doesn't even think about me. wow. he just used me for sex. he could have just said that. why lie to me? why manipulate me? i don't think you're a good person anymore. i'm not sure i want to be a woman in business anymore. i'm not sure if i want to be a woman in this world anymore. i don't feel the overwhelming urge to keep living. what is the point? we have no clue tbh. no one knows. i don't feel like there is a point in me being here. then again, if i was meant to kms then one of my 8 suicide attempts would have worked. maybe 9th time is a charm. i am simply so sick of being alive. i do not want to do this any longer and i've been saying this for yearsssss now. just because i'm not ruining my life, im passively going through life day by day, i somehow got into college and am sitting in my macroeconomics course with a 3.3 gpa. i haven't done anything wonderful to continue living, i've just been passing by. i say to myself "lets just get through today and then you can sleep" or "just get through this week and then we can have fun this weekend". whatever. i always find myself becoming a bit nihlistic when i feel suicidal. "it doesn't matter" i chant. because it really doesn't. if someone who doesn't really want to live can get this far then does it really matter. i feel like shit, probably look like shit, and I just want to sleep forever. yet, i have midterms to study for. maybe if i fail my midterms i'll kill myself. oooo. yum. maybe i've jsut been letting life slip past me. i've been staying up really late and waking up mid day. weeks go by so quickly. i wonder who i even am anymore. also i'm sick! coping by kissing frat men is not the way to go. i hope they're not counting on me to be larger than live. live is already large enough to exist in. i hope they don't see me as a person who has it all. the perfect woman. take my spot. take my soul. i am disposable to those who know my all. im shaking. maybe its the coffee? who knows. im a cluster of energy walking through the world. maybe the angel prophecy of cat***** ******** created by someone who once loved me is true. she also left. this is a cruel worldd. the punishment i recieve has to be deserved. if im alive to be beaten down then im ready for the final punch. maybe i can be loved in death. my mom loves me? does that count for something. jesus that woman doesn't even know me. im shaking so much. why did i drink coffee? i wanted to be cool and have energy and be the one ppl envy w my dunkin cup. now my tummy hurts. man. i wonder what my therapist will say today. this is kind of a life or death meeting. maybe she'll give me some words of wisdom that will make me think this life is worth living. its either that or i die. i don't really like passing through life. yk being alive its not too fun. i don't like having to do schoolwork. although i kinda like this class. i should've come to this more often. being up before noon is so odd. its 10 am and im fully awake and i'm living. so many different people exist. i don't think a single one of them can love me. i look so bad today. i dont give sexy like usual, im giving depression. i wonder if when he saw me yesterday he knew i was down. i wonder what to do. how do people go on? these scars of this man might always be on me. that's sad. i feel nauseous. I wish i was a better person. maybe then i wouldn't be so sad. if i was like this girl who is sitting in front of me, with an assignment tracker.someone who goes to all of their classes. she also looks pretty. maybe wasting away my life by sleeping until 3 pm is not the best thing. i hope they're not counting on me. god i really hope they're not counting on me.i can barely do this for myself let alone live up to whatever ideals people have.

Tumblr dot com has it out for me i think. what if i wanted to have a fat blob of text? huh? anyways im currently in my class about close relationships along the lifespan and im talking to my roomie about how we've been in a mutual depressive episode. i miss being loved. i had a dream about her and it felt so nice. to kiss. to cuddle. i wonder if i had love if i'd crave it as much as i do in it's absence. the insane hyper fixation i have on it. i could fall in love with many people. its not like im not desired. is it sad that i wonder what he would do if i died. if the worst is true about this relationship, maybe he'll be like lol damn that crazy got the limited edition wap. im sorry. coping. i think i dragged my roomie into my spiral. sorry girlypop. i don't think this is being taken seriously. like yeah my friends know im suicidal but i don;t think they know how serious i am. taylor pyka i don't have a plan to kill myself don't send me away. i miss the gym. i should go to the gym today. is it too much to ask for a boyfriend? maybe. somehow i got reminded of hoodies and went to look for an old text from him. "are you trying to steal my sweaters miss :)". what happened. where did his love for me go? maybe i was just there to pass the time. there is a guy with a very interesting beanie on. he seems like a good man. who knows maybe he also manipulates women? i should not be mean to this random man. he looked back over. who is this man? whatever he doesn't exist. i don't like how im awake. vomiting vomiting vomiting. thinking about how he pushed my hand away that one time. why does he exist. how does he affect my karmic cycle. i miss texting him. he was such a cutie. now he doesn't exist. you will never find the same person twice, not even in the same person. i wonder if anyone has ever had a crush on me. i can't imagine someone thinking of me in a way like this.

those were my thoughts before i went to therapy slay for 3/6

[irastayshome]

2am

Idris rarely gets much medical attention, among the 4 of us. Though obviously I get the least.. case in point an infected wisdom tooth thats been delayed and dangerously close to infecting my sinus and brain. But in the last 3 months, with all the whirlwind of things deteriorating, hospitalisation, slipping into palliative care, then losing you, our child has been coughing and coughing through it all without his mother attending to him properly. And now i’m finally seeing the full effects of it. Its been awhile since hes had the energy to race with his abang to the lift, or even to want to go to the playground. I thought planning a trip to Australia some day might be a good way for us to spend as a family, in light of all we’ve been through, and to remember you and your hopes for us travelling together again someday. But it was sobering to hear Idris say that he did not think he could go anywhere, because he did not have the energy to walk around in Australia. What do I do sayang.. at this point, any sane parent would have just demanded for a chest x ray done at KKH. But after everything u’ve gone through, I cannot somehow bring myself to put him through an x-ray. What if it increases his risk of getting cancer even more? But then again, what is the coughing IS a symptom of cancer and i’m delaying diagnosis and treatment? I wish you were by my side. I was always the hyperchondriac between the two of us, and at times it helped that you’d ask me to reign in my anxieties. I just wish you were here to tell me “its nothing lah yang. I had that too when I was young.” or something thats vaguely reassuring. But mostly, I just wish I am not alone holding him to sleep at night, wondering “am I doing this wrong am I doing this wrong what should i do what should i do” and recording numerous videos in the dark so I could capture how the cough sounded like & bring it to the dr to listen and confirm SOMETHING for the millionth time. I wish you could just show me a sign, like in a dream, telling me yang bring our son to get an xray right now he’s in trouble, or sth definitive. I’ve never been good at making serious decisions, though thats hard to believe after the last 6 months. I have serious fatigue from making hard decisions and i just dont want to deal anymore. I miss u yang.

[hopeididntscareyou]

Even though Liz would talk shit about me, I dont agree with everything she says. I'm not going to let other people get in the way of my relationships anymore. Listening to other peoples opinions just making me feel hateful and also making me a terrible person for being always on defensive mode. Deep down, i'm a very loyal and genuine person. I believe in true love even in this day and age where people are either manipulators and too traumatized to trust others. I am someone who would go lengths to show how i care about someone without losing myself. I dont care about all these labels and games that people play. As long as I stay healthy mentally, emotionally and physically, then nothing can destroy me. I only follow my own philosophy.

I find it saddening how people would believe whatever bullshit they see on tiktok/youtube rather than learning things from real life experience. People need to understand that these content creators are mainly trying to make money. They have that goal thats why they stir drama from reddit or 4chan extremists. Their ideas dont reflect the entire population IRL. They make money by grabbing your attention, brainwashing you and being their followers. Don't you see how out of touch with reality that looks like? if that doesn't sound crazy and cult-like to you, then i don't know what to tell you. I admit though, I was also a victim of this for awhile, but in my entire life I realized, the only times I have really learned about life was from my own experiences, and going outside and engaging with people who are passionate about their work that they dont even have time for the internet- usually older people from all walks of life. Thats where I got real wisdom. Its never really been from the internet. The thing is you could spend your precious time consuming self improvement material from youtube or reddit and even a book but it wouldn't actually improve your life whatsoever because you spent your time being a follower of someone else's ideas than having your own path. To be honest, all self improvement books/videos I've seen are just mostly common sense that I already knew and had been doing because I came up with these ideas on my own. It's really not that hard to give yourself a quiet time to sit and think solutions for your own problems. I believe it is more important to create more than to consume. Nowadays, internet is full of retarded and braindead people wired by quick dopamine. Its not the same as early 2000s and mid 2010s where internet stuff was obscure. Its been decades since the invention of the internet. It is not the age of the internet anymore but the age of algorithm. I stopped consuming internet as much as possible because of two things; one - the internet is full of fake news, misinformation and propagandas. Two - it is the source of distraction with its unlimited entertainment. I only use internet as an online tool for conveniency to keep up with the digital world; mainly using google maps, QR codes, storage, work or legit educational priorities.

And honestly, i can tell a lot about person based on their internet activities that its probably my main criteria now when judging a person as first impression. If you're a person who doom scrolls on short videos/reels regardless of the content, then I would assume you spend your spare time as a consumer than a creator and that alone would tell me what kind of person you are.

In an unrelated note, I'm still coming into terms about my sexuality because I can't quite figure out if i am really indeed an asexual or not. I feel extremely grossed out with the idea of sex with people I have a romantic relationship with. It just feels so wrong, like it makes me feel like i'm engaging in incest kind of wrong to me. I do however like sharing intimate moments and romance like hugging touching cuddling and kissing but sex is just repulsive and disgusting to me. I think its partly because of my trauma from watching depraved and disturbing porn for sickfucks, that definitely is a fact. But i also should admit that I have been sexually attracted before and I would consider myself as sexually active because I masturbate an average of 3x a week to 5x in just one day. The problem arise whenever I'm dating/seeing someone because i completely lose my interest in anything sexual all of a sudden and I would even stop masturbating. I don't know, its fucking weird. I cant count how many times i forced myself to be in the mood while someone is kissing me and touching me, but it just doesn't work, and I hate that when that happens because it makes me hate sex entirely and apathetic with someone. Like i don't even care if my partner would do it with other women just because he cant have sex with me. I literally don't care. Honestly, I am not really a jealous person and I can handle things well as long as I'm not bored. Sex is not a massive issue to me entirely at all. Fortunately i never had a problem about this with most guys except one time. But in general, the guys i chose to date were good natured individuals that i shared the same values with. So contrary to the popular belief, no I am not a raging feminazi who hates men. Thats incorrect and its funny how my friends would say i hate men just because i don't put up with trashy behaviors. You'd think people who are close to me would know me better, but surprise surprise. Sometimes its just not really easy to get to know someone on a deeper level. You could know someone for years without knowing anything about them. Not all people are open books, and honestly I dont care enough to change how people perceive me. You can think whatever you want about me and I'm still going to live my reality