#writing about a character who uses different pronouns than their actor is a real exercise in grammar

[floof-writes]

WARNING: this post includes some negativity about something you might love: D20’s The Seven, specifically choices made by Sephie about Sam Nightingale’s actions and backstory

TL;DR- (Disclaimer, I'm only to episode 5) The way Sephie chose to play Sam makes her seem aloof, toxic, disingenuous, and attention-seeking compared to the rich found-family themes of past Fantasy High seasons and to her fellow characters in this season. Less importantly but still frustrating, she doesn't follow the 'one leveled spell a round' rule. If she had all these flaws and was also funny, I might forgive her. But, alas.

Watching The Seven right now for FHJY and while I have countless good things to say about it, forgive me for instead ranting about the fan beloved Sam Nightingale. While I understand that many people love it, Sam/Sephie’s stage mom backstory gets on my fucking nerves. Especially the viral video thing in episode 5. Sephie blows up a bit (a bit in a comedy show! They're always doing bits!) into something big and then chooses to duck out instead of committing and resolving. I LIVE for emotional moments in D20, I seriously do, but whatever Sephie has been doing just doesn’t work for me. It feels cheap. D20 emotional moments have a ton of build-up through comedy/resistance, and I hate to say it, but Sam is not a funny character. I’m not saying she’s not realistic- she’s traumatized and is going through a lot, but Sephie is playing her in the wrong genre. D20 is a comedy.

Here's the thing: Ally also gets criticism for playing Kristen in a really explicit and overt way, trampling over other roleplay with her trauma, and that is true (sorry Kristen, ily!), but at least what Ally did is funny. Sam isn't. Sephie almost nailed it when Rebecca revealed she was getting divorced- her reaction was both real and comedic, but later when she called Penelope it felt forced/spotlighty/too soon, especially considering she didn't even have a mirror charge left. And that attention-seeky vibe isn’t helped by the fact that Sephie chose to play an ex-child actor: a real-life tragedy that almost always comes off as cheap when fictionalized.

But the parallels between Ally’s Kristen and Sephie’s Sam don’t end there! One of the biggest reasons people were annoyed by Kristen was Ally’s (and to an extent, Brennan/fellow player's), absolute ignorance of the rules about concentration spells, which made her really overpowered in season one. My argument against this as a newbie dnd player was always ‘rule of cool, it was fun to watch and fun to play so it doesn’t matter!', but as a more experienced player I finally understand that frustration even though I tried not to feel it. The same thing happened with Sam in ep 4- she casts two leveled spells in a single turn with Quicken Spell (Lightning Bolt and Fly, and again later with Enthrall and Suggestion), which makes her seem crazily overpowered despite the fact that she’s a 3/6 multi-class among a 9th level druid and a 9th level cleric. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good multi-class, but she shouldn’t be outstripping them so handily (Yielle also fucking slayed this fight though).

[A proposed alternate turn for her second mistake: Quicken spell to Enthrall and then use her winged boots and second action to attack the harpy and catch Penny (a ranged cantrip (LIGHTNING LURE) or a weapon attack if the DM allowed that to cause her to drop Penny, opposed strength with Danielle’s Bear Totem advantage if not). It would have been just as cool and displayed better teamwork, plus it was an opportunity to roleplay bonding and show gratitude for the Feather Fall that saved her fucking life.]

In fact, for me, there’s only three rather subjective reasons why I adore Kristen so much and find Sam super annoying: 1. As we've been over before, Kristen is funny. Sam is not. 2. I personally really relate to Kristen’s Overpowering Trauma (tm) and as an amateur actress, find bitter child actress plots absolutely inconceivable (Disclaimer:Jeanette McCurdy’s ‘I’m Glad My Mom Died’ made me fucking lose it). And 3. Kristen's story is about finding love (of herself through romantic but most importantly platonic relationships), supporting others, and understanding the world. Caring so much she self-destructs. Even her famous rule-breaking was usually caused by a conflict with Bless, a spell she cast every time to protect her friends. But Sam has thus far rarely displayed unselfishness, despite knowing the Maidens for nearly twice as long as Kristen knew the Bad Kids by the end of Season One. Kristen was self-centered in that Ally often drew the focus of roleplay towards their character's own issues and sub-plot, (or by being the purest form of the new player paradox and asking to do something crazy.) Sam is self-centered in that same way, and also in that she is literally selfish. Antiope says 'I have an opportunity' and instead of saying 'I get it, the pressure of having a parent who doesn't understand you changes everything, but even then a part of you still wants what they want for you' she says 'so you won't be there for me? How could you?'. Penny saves her life before being snatched into the air like a mouse to a hawk, and Sam is the only one who can fly but she plays the harp instead of helping her in return.

ALL the maidens lost months to more than a year of their lives. All the maidens are grappling with generational expectations, trauma, and pressure just like Sam. The big what-if at the end of highschool. I was only going to point out Antiope and Penny, but this actually seems to be a major theme of the season, since Ostentatia and Zelda also have overt themes of this.

Look, if you’re gonna play angsty, there’s a trick to it. There's this highschool level acting advice I've heard so many times: The worst choice you can make on stage is to be bored, because what is the audience to do except be bored as well? Similarly, if you choose to play disconnected, then how is an audience supposed to connect? In a group of people who have vocalized endless support for you, ‘I’m fine, I'm fine' (as shown in episode 5's viral video scene) is just dishonest, and it's honestly a betrayal of Sephie’s fellow actors who are working to improvise a history of openness and support with Sephie’s character, just so Sam can seem aloof and angsty. Break down in their arms, Sephie! Get flustered and run away! Either ‘I Kiss Her And Skateboard Away/I Burn Two Luck Points To Stop Riz From Finding Out’ OR ‘I Need Everyone To Dogpile On Me Right Now/I Kiss Everyone On The Mouth’ levels of teen angst are needed for this to be actually funny. Sam could've had something unique and iconic up there with Kristen and Fig's struggles with being known, but she isn’t cringefail enough. She's not relatable, and she claims to be bitter but really she's just mean. And again, I never said she isn’t realistic- real life people do the ‘I’m fine’ thing. Real life teenagers make a big deal out of something to tease out sympathy/curiosity over a Hidden Trauma and then duck out of an explanation for the attention of it all. But it isn’t funny and it feels OOC for a maiden who had a year and a half to become fucking codependent (/pos) with these other six girls.

Rant over, something positive to end the post: TaleSpire is so fucking cool! Physical battlemaps are awesome but you couldn't do a 700ft+ chase battle on the dome's tabletop. They really took advantage of using a virtual tool this season and did something they couldn't do otherwise. (Plus the fact that TaleSpire is treated like video game software and has a one time purchase fee instead of a subscription based model is fucking awesome!)

[actingnt]

Let’s humor, for a moment, the notion that I don’t actually exist, and that my partner is in fact a singlet who is pretending to be multiple for some ridiculously contrived purpose.

In order to take this belief from baseless assertion to a testable theory, we need to explain several things:

1. Why would anyone choose this of all things to fake?

Multiplicity is extremely stigmatized as a Scary Mental Illness, discriminated against, and already ridiculed as “not a real disorder”, making it one of the most challenging neurodivergences to fake. Why choose it?

Why choose to fake something that if you tell the wrong person about, could get you locked up in prison with no due process? Why risk that?

Why not choose a different neurodivergence that’s easier to fake, less stigmatized, taken more seriously, and not subject to psychiatric detainment?

2. Why are there any more than two of us?

Why would they put in the effort to create twelve (12) fake personas, complete with our own personalities, voices, and mannerisms?

Why would they bother to give us different pronouns, sign names, things we (pretend to) like and dislike, a complex web of in-system relationships, as well as different relationships to people in other bodies, who recognize us and reciprocate those relationships?

Why would they take the time to create not one but *checks notes* fifteen (15) digital avatars PER each persona using various dressup games? Why would they spend hours getting each persona custom-portraited by a digital artist? Why faceclaims?

Granted, it’s not infeasible for a writer/actor to create twelve (12) original characters, but the point is why do that much work, when you could be recognized as a system just as well with only two (2) members?

3. Why only one fictive?

If for some reason you’re still determined to invest the time and energy into an actor’s repertoire of twelve (12) characters, why not save yourself at least some of the trouble and make eleven (11) of them characters that are already written for you?

(Having a lot of fictives is, of course, not a valid reason to accuse someone of faking, but for the purpose of this exercise in hypotheticals, it begs the question.)

4. Why aren’t we all human?

Why would they set up their wardrobe of personas to include two angels, a demon, a fairy, an alien, an anime slime girl, a cat, and a wind spirit?

Why would they not just make everyone human, considering that would be MORE likely to be taken seriously, and LESS likely to be called delusional or fake?

5. Why are some of us more disabled?

Why would they cause their own inconvenience by crafting some of their personas to act less mobile, more restricted by their dysphoria, or nonverbal?

In case you haven’t noticed the state of society, being disabled, especially being nonverbal, does not garner sympathy. It garners annoyance, frustration and dismissal.

If they are trying to convince people that they are not faking, why would they take on additional traits that themselves are known for being called fake?

6. How have they not been caught by now?

How is it possible that this one person has managed to juggle twelve (12) fake personas, which again have different personalities, voices, mannerisms, genders, likes, dislikes, and relationships?

How is it possible to keep this up 24/7, amidst a variety of mental states and circumstances, including stressful situations, late night and early morning, even while drunk or high?

How have they maintained the illusion flawlessly and NOT ONCE been caught practicing voices or writing down character motivations or anything of the sort?

I can only think of three (3) explanations that make any sense at all:

(1) This faker has gone to such great lengths with these characters that they’ve taken on lives of their own, which would be tulpamancy and a form of multiplicity.

(2) This faker singlet is THE BEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD (yet hasn’t gone into professional acting for some reason.)

(3) Or maybe, juuuuust maybe, we’re real people and no one is faking anything.

[wishingfornever]

10/18/17 – No Contact:  The Third Wall Again?

Current time… 2:56.  Continuation of yesterday’s post that extended into the next day.  That was saved with the previous day because that’s when it started.  At least… for that.  I tried sleeping but I’m couldn’t.  I’m horrified.  I’ve never been so awake.  So alone.

And now I’m stuck with you people… oof.

Let me be honest…  I’ve never had a good opinion about Tumblr.  I don’t like you and I’m fairly certain you hate me.  No offense, but… I’ve always found your type weird.  The only reason I’m posting it to Tumblr is because Esther did a really sweet thing with hers.  Everything I see are people with all these genders, pronouns, creature-kin bullshit, and just this massive wave of total ridiculousness.  People on Tumblr have a skewed vision of Marxism.

Can’t be that bad.  Every now and then, I’ll see something funny.  Turns out it’s from Tumblr.

I’m not sure if I’ll be reading the comments.  I have a year.  I can probably imagine what they’ll say.  “Oh, he beats women!  Oh, he’s a Nazi!  Oh, he uses too many commas!”

Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.  My blog and I can do whatever I want.  Really, it’s a journal turning into a blog… not the point.

I’m legitimately upset.  Dennis now has his own character in my book and guess what!  He has the tiniest penis.  You can tell because my characters use sources.  -,-

Sources are important to me.  I use a lot of sources.  Even when I’m sure of something, I tend to check it out to be certain.  I don’t like linking my sources… but that’s because I’m lazy.  With my book, I use a lot of sources.  With some chapters, I even have to find different sources than those on Wikipedia.  Historical novels are dumb, sometimes.

Oof. I just realized that my book probably won’t take off with this Tumblr hanging around.  People would say, “Yeah, I guess it’s good but the writer is an asshole.”  Or people would easily find me and find Esther and pester her about everything.  Pester me, too. I’d be fine because I don’t use my real name on Facebook.  She, however… she does.

I guess I was never the sort for social media anyways.

Ugh… I realized that I have to explain everything that isn’t already explained.  There is a lot that I’ll have to deal with.  Daniel just got back from the gym.  Considering she was with Dennis, that means he’s not going to the gym anymore.  I’m not sure how Daniel feels about Dennis.

Honestly, I wanted to talk to him.  Let him know that I know he’s been feeding Dennis information about me.  Then I wanted to let him know that it’s okay.  I don’t have anything against Daniel.  He’ a good guy.  Dennis is a twit.

Daniel is going to LA.  I think he wants to become an actor, but… you know.  LA.  Besides, I don’t think he’s ever acted a day in his life.  And he has a surprisingly thick accent, potential speech impediment.  If my books somehow, through the divinity of god himself, take off… then I’d want him to play a character in it.

Daniel is noticeably taller than Dennis.  Handsome, too.  Dennis, not so much.  He kind of looks like a moose.  He’s shorter and SUPER overweight.  I never gave him any shit for being fat, though.  I knew it was a sensitive topic, so when I was giving him a hard time I never called him fat.  I may have been a dick, but I never insulted him for his weight.

Since I’ve gained weight… yeah.  He’s given me a lot of shit for it. I shouldn’t have been surprised this happened.  I wonder where I’d be now had Esther just… spoke to me.  Or if I didn’t get so depressed.  I always get depressed during the summer.  I told her this.  I HATE summer.

But it doesn’t matter.  Not anymore, at least.

I should probably let you guys in on a little secret.  I’m kind of an asshole.  By that, I mean I like to get underneath people’s skin and just aggravate them.  Some would call me a troll.  That some would be right.  I learned I was quick with witty insults.  I discovered this because other people were not.  If I had to guess where that came from, I’d have to say my upbringing.  My dad is also a troll.  My sister as well.  I had to defend myself against them.

Right now?  I’m better at it than either of them.

That said, since this all began… I haven’t really been trolling. Because of depression at the beginning, but as that faded and I had my streak of happiness… I never had time to.  I couldn’t get back into it.  So, yeah.  If these posts were somehow able to get an assortment of people and one of them said something mean about me or Esther, I’d make them look stupid and then laugh at their face.  My signature move is making someone apologize for something they said without realizing I was the one to actually say it.

Yeah… I’ve always been something of a villain.  And I prided myself in that.  That I wasn’t a “Good Guy” and that I was the one people would look at and they’d say, “Beware of him.”  That’s sort of how I got into Communism, really.  Besides, you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.  Why wait?

After that paragraph, this post has 77,600 words.  That’s almost as long as my book.  I’m sure if I wrote my book as frequently as I wrote here, I’d have it done by the time I post the first post.

Wishful thinking.  My books won’t ever get published.  I’m prepared for a life of mediocrity.  I can actually feel my drive fade.  I actually didn’t want to come down and write in this post because I wanted to stay in bed.  But, I couldn’t.  I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts.  This… isn’t healthy.  I woke up so late yesterday. I’m prepared to go to bed at about that time.

I intend to stay up… just you guys and me.  Yay…?

Ugh… you guys suck, I want to talk to Esther.  She knew me… at least, I thought she did.

Oh, that’s embarrassing.  I admitted to a bunch of people that I watch porn.  You know that I’m something of a geek.  You know that I’m an asshole who prides myself in villainy.  The only thing you don’t know is what book I wrote.

Shattered Era:  Virescent.  Virescent means greenish because the book represents spring.  Sort of represents one of the characters.

There. Now you can stalk me or whatever.  Or you can buy a book, make me money.  That’s… assuming it’s published.  Unfortunate for me, it probably won’t get it published by the time this comes out.

Little secret.  The reason Avdotya is green is because it’s spring thus she’s the first character.  She’s a young, female protagonist and I was hoping to be able to profit off that Hunger Games kick hollywood was having.  That was years ago.  It took me some time to write the book… there were a lot of obstacles.  Not just because of me.

One of my biggest fears is that my laptop will die and everything I ever wrote will die.  Then… I’ll have to begin again.  I need a flash drive.  I’ll get one soon.

I want to die right now.  I can’t believe I’m admitting this to total strangers, but… I want to die.  Please, don’t feel sorry for me.  I obviously didn’t do it if you’re reading this.  I’ve had these tendencies and thoughts for a while now.  They were gone… but they came back.

Again, don’t blame Esther.  I should have been a better boyfriend.

I feel like… the good times.  They mean nothing to her.  When she looks back, all she sees is how bad of a person I was.  When I look back, I only see the good in her.  I will always defend her.  And she will always deny me.

Current time is 5:30.  My cousin is awake.  She’s getting ready.  If she asks me what I’m doing, I’ll tell her I’m resetting my sleep schedule.  Or something.  I don’t want to tell her I’m depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I started being more open but… I need a bit of time before I can muster a conversation.

She just asked me why I wanted her to turn the alarm off.  Let me explain.

Yesterday, I tried this ritual with an egg to see if anyone has cast any dark magic on me.  As a non-religious individual, my chanting involved something close and dear to my heart and my prayers were to the universe rather than a deity.  The ritual revealed nothing.

I wanted to take out the garbage but my cousin was already asleep. This is one of the ways I’ve changed.  Normally, I wouldn’t have wasted any time trying that.  But… I just did.  Yesterday.

I also spent several hours… starting a kickstarter!  Hurray!  Except not.  I need to contact my bank and find my routing number.  I also discovered I don’t know my account number.  I’ll have to get both these things.  I sent my bank an email.  I’ll see if they respond. Supposed to in one business day.

I never did this before.  A lot of hiccups along the way.  I had to use my real name.  The horror.

The kickstarter should still be up by the time this comes out.  I set the closing date to the end of next year.  Probably a bad idea, but I’ve not been a very smart man as of late.  That’s life.

I didn’t exercise yesterday.  You probably don’t care about it, but it’s yet another failure.  My drive has died.  I’m… not well. I need help.  But I can’t get help.  Hopefully, the book will sell. I need it to sell.  A year ago, I said if I didn’t finish my book by the end of 2016 I’d kill myself.  Esther forced me to cancel that.

I would have, too.  It’s just…  I’m so tired. I know there is nothing for me in this life.  I have no hope.  I squandered it.  There was so much I’ve went through and I feel I can’t save it.  This is my final hope.

Ugh… I might make the kickstarter end sooner so I’m not backed because I’m pitied.  I don’t want to be pitied.

Christ… I’m going back to my old self.  Not wanting to share my feelings, not wanting to be pitied, being so DAMN stubborn.

Shane just messaged me.  Showed him the picture.  Told him Esther said he was a liar.  All he said was so.  Told him more, just said it was childish drama.  Honestly, I don’t even care.  It’s strange.  For this to all happen, my old friends had to turn on each other.  Esther destroyed us.  Laugh.  Out.  Loud.

Yeah, really it was more of Dennis.  If Shane and I stay in contact, that’d be nice.  I’ll always be in contact with Daniel.  Probably.  I’ll talk to him tomorrow.  Let him know that I know he’s been colluding with Dennis.  Let him know I’m not angry.

How could I be?  I don’t hate Daniel, just myself.

I… am tired.  It’s six in the morning.  I intend to stay up for as long as possible.  I might not walk Max today.  I might be a worthless piece of shit today.  I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I can’t remember songs.  I’m trying to, but the music… I can’t think of it.  I have to load a video to hear it.  But I can’t think of any songs.

There is nothing.  I don’t know why.  It’s like the weird opposite of having a song stuck in my head.  But the song is the crushing silence.

I guess I’ll watch a video.  I’ll set an alarm.  Take max out at noon.  Do whatever.  I’ve already wasted my life.  What’s another day?

I’m living on the tip of my eyes right now.  It’s hard to explain.  I guess I’m super focused on what I’m seeing.  It’s not bad. When I’m living in the back of my eyes, that’s when I get dangerous to myself.

I’m by myself now.  Adela left for work.  And my internet is acting weird.  Can’t watch my videos.  Ah, well.  Life sucks.

Heh… Would you look at that.  She didn’t block me in Snapchat.  She knows I never use it.  Still, not as thorough as you’d think.  Of course, she didn’t block me on NationStates.  Just Facebook, Skype, and Steam that I’m aware of.  Might block my phone number.  I don’t know how that’s done but it’s possible.  Not that it’d matter.

Interesting how she blocked me on skype as I was on the verge of messaging her… on skype.  I don’t believe in soulmates, but there is something to it.

I’m going to make it end sooner.  The kickstarter.  I don’t know when to end it.  A few months is generally pretty popular.  I’ll… set it to something.  I just don’t know what.  I can’t think right now.

Dennis… he follows me on Twitter.  I doubt he knows that I know he follows me on Twitter.  I’m sure he keeps tabs on what I post.  Or maybe I’m just paranoid.

However, it’s what I’d do.  After the bullshit he pulled, yeah.  I’d do it.  Just to see if he’s lost his mind.  Of which, I guess I have. I mean, I’m talking to Tumblr a year from now.  Things will be different.  New things to get distressed with.  New memes to hate on. Life moves on.  Except for this one little journal.

I think I know why people go on mass shootings.  Because an assault rifle is cheaper than therapy.  Quicker, too.

Mind you, I’m pro-gun.  I have to be for Communist Revolution.  ;)

I am… very stressed.  I’m having a hundred thoughts a second.

Alright. I’ve had some sleep.  About 4 hours.  I’m no longer feeling like starting a kickstarter.  I probably really should but… Idk.  I still stand by my beliefs that Dennis is a piece of shit.  Because he is.  Our entire friendship was crap on his part.  The shit he pulled is just… disgusting.  He’s not been a good friend to me.  At all.

Esther, I guess, could have been better.  By a lot.

I know Dennis far better you know him.  Trust me on that.  All the times he’s joking about loli?  That’s not a joke, he legitimately likes that shit.  Not to shame his kinks or anything, but he likes loli.  He may still have some on his computer.  Not that you’d actually find it.  He tends to hide it in certain places.

In fact, I learned to hide porn from Dennis.  I think it was in his text files.  Idk, it was a long time ago.  Loli and petite.  One of the reasons he likes Jinx in League of Legends.

I have porn hidden on my computer, too.  It’s… not really stuff I downloaded.  It’s Ariel.  The only nudes she’s ever sent. Christ, my porn is boring…  Though I do have some porn in my Fallout right now.  Now that it matters.  It’s just billboards and cards and shit you can’t really fap to while playing with it.  If I do end up writing books and people start learning my name, I might want to delete those pictures so if I get hacked then they won’t get leaked.

How I learned about Dennis’s porn? Sleepless night.  You know me.  Or at least…  Esther knows me.  It takes me a minute to actually get to sleep, but once I’m there? I’m out.  Dennis?  He gets there so easily.  When ever I slept over at his house, he’d be out and I’d be stuck talking to myself as he snores loudly.  Thus, his computer was open and… well, I explored.

I imagine that’s why he locks it nowadays.  I never got into Esther’s phone to explore and see and just invade your privacy.  Never.  I trusted you far more than I should have.  If I had invaded your privacy, I’d have known about everything sooner with a sober mind.

Ugh… Sorry.  I’m still talking directly to Esther.  Again, it’s hard for me.  All of this has been.

I’m sure you’ve realized.  Then again, I doubt this would have a great following at any point.  I’m not exactly portraying myself as the good guy here.  More than likely, if I try to achieve anything in life, this would be used against me as a reason for me to NOT succeed.  Whether it’d be right or wrong of them to do to have me to not succeed is a subjective matter.

Then again, I have called myself a villain in this.  I think in this post during the night, actually.  So… yeah.  I’m not trying to convince anyone who is wrong and who is right.  I’ve defended Esther as much as possible.  Though, I guess I could have defended her a bit more.  Not the point.  I’m not trying to cast anyone in a bad light.

Except for Dennis.  Fuck that guy.

I can reveal more secrets about him.  Like how he used to think he was gay and has admitted to having given another man fellatio.  After his gay phase ended, I would bust his balls over it and he’d tell me it was a serious part of his life and is a super delicate issue so thus he’d appreciate me not implying he was gay as a joke.

Thing is, I’d stop and then he’d immediately call me, “Fag!” and then I call him “Fag!” back and he’s like “Dude, wtf?!”  It wasn’t so simple, I’d admit, but it basically went like that. He’d call me gay, I’d call him gay back, and then he got offended.  It’s a double standard.  Just like how he called me fat despite me weighing nearly half as much as he does while being a head taller than him.  He’s 5’8” and I’m 6’.  Maybe not a head, but a noticeable difference.

Whenever he and I went out for lunch, I always paid.  I think I mentioned that when I forgot my wallet with Daniel, but it’s worth mentioning that he used to say, “No, I paid last time.”  Except he didn’t.  He never paid for shit.  I never confronted him on it because why would I?

His favorite place to go was KFC but I preferred a burger over chicken.  I LOVE burgers, probably my favorite meal and how I got so fat.  I have yet to weigh myself since I got the batteries.  I’ll do it soon, maybe even today.  He’d say everyone’s favorite pizza was the all meat marvel when in reality his entire family seemed to like Hawaiian.  Daniel certainly does. Admittedly, nobody actually cares about pizza flavors because there are very few bad pizzas.  Still, he had to admit to me because I was always hesitant to get it.  He had to admit, “Yeah, my family is fine with whatever but this is my favorite flavor.”

Since he told me that, every time I brought his household pizza, it was usually two.  Hawaiian and All meat marvel.  I was fine with that. If you ever stalk my facebook, you’ll go back far enough.  You’ll see some drama I had with my niece which I publicized (public shaming is one of my signature moves for getting back at people who piss me off, notice how I haven’t done that to Dennis or Esther) it.  It should be I THINK before?  Or actually, it might be after?  Yeah, it was during the cemetery and after my niece.

Nevermind, if you see that then you’ve gone too far.  It’ll be about how I regret to be eating KFC alone and I’m missing my plus one or something to that degree.  That attitude was maintained RIGHT up until this drama began.  I may sound like an overly rough, sadistic, verbally aggressive, asshat of a brute but I could get very affectionate.  Not that I believe in this, but I can be something of a stereotype for cancers.  Not… the terminal cancer, of course.

Anyways, currently five.  I’m going to have to walk Max, I’ll be back in a second.

Back. I realized something.  When saying Dennis has actually never said anything good about me, I lied.  I remember he said, “If you start working out, you’d look incredible because of your broad shoulders.”  That’s something that I’ve always prided myself on.  My broad shoulders.  I remembered that statement because I have a tendency to crash into the sides of door frames repeatedly.  As in I try walking through a door but I do it an angle, so I hit one side, then hit the other, then hit the original side again, and perhaps the opposing side.

I’m sure it’s super funny to watch.  Esther always laughed when I did.

Anyways… that was something good I could say about Dennis.  If I really thought about it, I’m sure I could think of more.  Of course, if he follows this Tumblr like he does my Twitter, he’d probably comment and say, “I always valued your opinions.”

If he said this, that would be referencing when we went to eat at KFC and would talk about dumb, impossible circumstances.  However, that’s not really a compliment.  I’m a source.  Whenever I needed a source from him, he’d link me to a website that says “Google it yourself!” and will automatically type what you were asking about, letter by letter.

Anyways… I have a few questions for Esther.  So, if she ever reads this…

Why didn’t you go with me on the night I learned this all?  Why did you stay?

Why did you leave the blog up?  Why didn’t you just delete it instead of saying, “The end”?

There will probably be more.  I doubt I’ll ever get the answers.  Again, it was the last I spoke of her last night.  Probably won’t ever again.  Spoilers, if you’ve been following closely.

Well… what made Esther so special that I’d dedicate so much to her? Perhaps reveal what I look for in a woman while I’m at it?

Esther was unique.  She had this sort of determination and perseverance. She was very dedicated.  To you, to her goals and dreams… to the world.  Like, she had to force me to like her.  Not even kidding. When we met, she was chasing me.  I turned her down.  It was the first time she was turned down by someone.

She can be quite brilliant.  She had this energy that was just… powerful.  It’s hard to describe.  She’s not like other girls, as you can probably tell by… all this.  She had her flaws, but they were easy to overlook.  I guess her current flaw right now is that she doesn’t like me and refuses to listen to anything I say.  Of course, that’s because she was exposed to Dennis’s manipulation.

But, again… that’s not a flaw for her to believe him over me.  She’s her own person.  She learns, she picks up on things, he saw her seeing certain things and he fed those ideas.  Thus, she was brought to these conclusions.

There are two kinds of people in this world.  Those who teach and those who learn.  The speaker and the listener.  She listened.  Which is fine. Throughout our relationship, I had hoped she’d use her mind for better critical thinking.  I exposed her to so much information without trying to push my own bias and agenda.

Despite what’s happened, I know she’s better after this.  Not because of what Dennis’s doing but because of what she learned during our relationship.  I also learned.  This has been a humbling experience, perhaps for the worse but it has it’s merits.

As you can probably tell, I’m feeling far better in comparison to earlier.  I’m still depressed, but I’m trying not to let it get to me.  Esther doesn’t believe me when I say this, but I have changed.  Whether she believes me or not is irrelevant.  Fucking shit, does it still hurt.

Anyways… what are my plans for the future?  I touched on them already.  I intend to finish my book, perhaps books, and then leave the country. However, there is more I’m hoping to tend to beyond just that.  I want to lose weight.  The image I’m using, I weighed like 70 pounds less then.  That’s apparently a noticeable difference.  I’d have to lose more, though.  But why?

The reason is simple. Because it’d help me achieve my goals sooner.  It’ll give me the confidence to place stock in myself and I’ll be more confident on my own.  That, and it’ll probably be healthy for me.  Go figure. It’ll also help me with airsoft.  Smaller target with more breath. I’d also be able to not worry about my suicidal tendencies.  My weight was always a concern.  Even when I was younger.  I wasn’t even that heavy when I was younger.  My dad was a hard ass.  He was also a US Marine.  He imposed a lot on me, usually giving a hard time for my weight.  He also imposed his views on me.  I never really had the chance to embrace my own thoughts and views until after I was out of the house.  That’s one of the reasons I tried not imposing my views on Esther.

My dad likes to blame my mom for why I’m such a piece of shit.  That’s unfair because she was sympathetic and supportive.  It’s what a child needs.  I know I certainly needed it.  I need it now/

I don’t speak Spanish as of yet.  That’s because I was ashamed of my Mexican heritage when I was younger.  I avoided it.  Because my dad was kind of… racist.  Doesn’t help that I was constantly surrounded by Elderly, right-wing, racist loons.  I didn’t have a good environment for my own thoughts and views.  Rather, their ideas were the ones I adopted.

I was a registered Republican STRAIGHT out of high school.  I hated everyone my dad hated and I didn’t know why.  These views lingered for so long.  I’m no longer a Republican, though I’m sure some of these republican views still linger such as my views on guns.

My generation (mind you, I believe generations are stupid and they aren’t officially recognized) has several enemies.  The biggest enemy being people my age who shits on this generation.  You know the ones.  They who say, “Everyone but me are idiots because they don’t understand how life works” when they don’t understand it themselves.  What you should know is that these people got along with their parents and the elderly.  Their views are recycled.  They’re, unsurprisingly, traditional because they’re exposed to the older generation as opposed to people their own age.  If they were, then their views would probably be less hostile towards people their own age.  They wouldn’t insist they were the only people of their generation to not be foolish because the Elderly they were raised with will constantly shit on the youthful.

Anyways, yeah.  That’s why it’s great to lose weight.  I’ll be encouraged to just… disappear.  I’ll depend on myself and I’ll actually believe in myself.  Then again, if my books sell REALLY well, then it’ll be harder to just disappear.  Drat.  I’ll figure it out.  I’ll go weigh myself in a minute.

Until then, I’d like to say I’m watching GIFs with Sound.  It’s one of my few vices I’m able to still enjoy.  There are a lot of Overwatch GIFs though.  I haven’t played it.  I’m sure I’d love it because of all the foreign cultures and characters.  Fun setting. ;)

That said, back tracking to what I may look for in a woman.  I think I mentioned how I liked blondes.  Mind you, Avdotya isn’t blonde because of this.  She’s blonde because she needed to have green eyes and I FUCKING HATE brown hair.  Hate it.  Blonde hair and green eyes go together pretty well, shame they’re usually with blue eyes though.

Ignoring that, I’m bringing this up because a character I keep seeing is like this angelic healer, I’m assuming.  I bet she’s German or some shit because she’s blonde.

Lol, yeah.  I guessed it.  Mercy is her name.  She’s Swiss, which means she’s basically a German from Not-Germany.  Which is Swiss.  I think Switzerland, Austria, and Germany are the only three countries to speak German.  Probably more, like little city states like Liechtenstein.  I’d have to check.  Fairly certain Liechtenstein would be the fourth in that case.  Hrm…

Whatever, it’s not important.

Anyways, yeah.  I’m not usually one to fantasize about video game characters naked (with the exception of modded games, but it’s kind of done non-sexually and more for giggles).  However, the internet lost their shit for Tracer.  I remember her name because everyone was talking about how Blizzard didn’t want Tracer being sexualized so the internet sexualized her anyways.

That was just to get more people to play.  I bet you it worked.

That said, I never liked Tracer because of her dumb fucking accent.  I HATE English accents, I find them annoying.  Nothing against the English, just hate English accents.  Of course, there are some I can stomach like Lindybiege, but that’s because he actually has emotion and expressiveness.  A lot of British actors are a few tones from monotone and I hate them for it.  I also hate British actors who try to be badass like Jason Statham.  Like… no.  Don’t.

I guess I also don’t like how arrogant they come off at times.  To mention another English Youtuber,

Sargon of Akkad.  His voice… is painfully boring.  Mind you, I have nothing against him or his views.  I disagree with almost everything he says and he’s a questionable source of information, but it’s not personal.  It’s just when I’m listening to him speak, I have to speed up the video.

Scottish accents, however, are HILARIOUS.  I think they’re super funny, especially when impersonated poorly.  That’s partly the reason why Atlas is Scottish.

I also hate how English accents always kind of sound… fake.  Because they’re impersonated so frequently.  Again, nothing against the English.  Just… I don’t like their accent.

I got a lot of pet peeves that are super minor.  Like I hate Chevies. Admittedly, I haven’t had road rage since “The End” happened with Esther.  My road rage was a major problem in our relationship. She was raised around people who yelled a lot, so it was not good for her to experience.

Another pet peeve of mine would be high heels in media.  Is it because I’m a feminist?  No.  It’s because they’re so unrealistic. Particularly in historical films.  There shouldn’t be stripper heels in medieval Europe.  Or heels at all.  And in games where characters are fighting?  Like Street Fighter?  Why?  It’s just… too much.

I know, I admitted to having porn in video games but I’m complaining about characters being overtly sexualized.

The thing is, I don’t break the lore unless it’s totally obvious. For example, in Skyrim?  Mudcrabs say, “NOW YOU FUCKED UP!!!” because I have mods that make that game super hard.  They can one shot you.  I don’t download a lot of armor mods because a lot of them tend to have heels.  They’re well designed, a lot of work is put in them, but they don’t make that much sense to be in the game.

I’m something of a Nazi when it comes to lore.

But… yeah.  Because I’m a lore Nazi, I like blondes.  Lol?

That said, I do have a preference but I’m not the sort who’d be upset if I were in a relationship with a non-blonde.  Esther wasn’t a blonde, for example.  The girl before her wasn’t blonde either. Most girls I’ve been with weren’t natural blondes.  I’m not a picky person.  I’m not shallow, either.  But ideal for me would be blonde with Esther’s body type.  She’s a looker.  ;)

I could always go into some of my kinks, but I don’t know you that well to get into it yet.

Anyways, I’m weighing myself.  Let me fill you in on what I’ve gained/lost.  I bet you five dollars I gained.

Scale doesn’t work.  The light turned on for a minute and then it turned off.  I’ll try again later.  I’ve not been so lucky lately. Since yesterday, everything has just been… meh.  I need something to go my way soon.  :/

If I were petty, I would ask all my friends who added Esther to block her.  If she asks why, they’ll tell her “No point to leave a line of communication” open.  However, I’m not that petty.  I really should be, though.

Alright, apparently the scale works.  It just doesn’t work on carpet. That’s the problem.  Anyways, I just ate and I’m wearing a tee shirt, underwear, socks, sweat pants, and a small blanket.  Current weight is 267 with all that.  Not that bad, really.  I lost nearly ten pounds since I left California.  That’s almost ten pounds in 20 days.  That’s a pound every two days.

My goal weight is 200 pounds.  At that rate, assuming the decline is constant which I can guarantee that it won’t be, I will be able to hit that goal in February.  Of course, considering it’s longer… I’ll probably hit it by my 27th birthday.

I told Daniel that Esther is technically single.  I let him know because he was flirting with her while drunk and Esther turned him down because she still respected our relationship.  Then Dennis ruined our relationship.  Or rather, fueled the inferno.  Regardless, I let him know that she’s technically single and thought he was super cute.  She actually had a crush on him for a little while.  So, I think this would be good for her.  Bad for Dennis though.

Yeah, that’s right.  I’m using Daniel because Dennis was using him against me.  Hell, I’ll fuck with him as best as I could until I get a god damned apology.  Fucking sociopathic, manipulative cockbite.

Being vindictive, I wonder what else I can do to fuck up his relationship.

I doubt I’d actually target Esther to get to Dennis.  That’s the thing, I don’t want to hurt her.  Just Dennis.  Which, brings up a certain point.  I think it’d be bad for Dennis’s relationship for him to NOT go to Texas.  Here is why:

Dennis had a chance at getting a job.  He lost it.  Now, he’s stuck with his parents.  He’s not going to be able to get a job without help. He doesn’t have a work history.  Like… at all.  He’s six months older than me.  He’ll be 27 in a few months.  A 27 year old with no work history is something that’s pretty bad.

And if he gets a job… then what?  He won’t be able to make much of a living off it.  His relationship is bound to suffer.  This isn’t some plea of desperation, this is a fact.  I’m in acceptance for my grief stage.  Or I’ve reverted back to something.

Who would he use for a reference?  Not that references matter.  I guess, I no longer have references myself… assuming Shane is a liar.  Oof. I still have my cousin.  They won’t think we’re related until I already have the job.  I’ll go in for Starbucks again later this week.  Maybe tomorrow.  Adela has a doctor’s appointment so maybe I won’t have to worry about Max.

That’d be nice.  Hopefully I can speak to a supervisor.  Then maybe I can have an interview.  Or I’ll get the same lady from last time and nothing will get done.  After what happened last night, surely I’ll get something good.  On the weekend, assuming I don’t have the job gloriously immediately after, I’ll cook Adela breakfast and then go again.  If I do a good thing, the karma of the universe will look after me.

I’m kidding.  There is no karma except for what you make of it.

She said she had no feelings for me.  Esther, of course.  Why hasn’t she deleted the blog yet?  After everything that’s happened?  With James, she admitted when she deleted it.  Maybe it’ll be deleted next month, on our anniversary as a huge “Fuck you.”  She’s just salting the wound by blocking me on everything.

Admittedly, I was on the verge of writing her.  And I did.

I’ll keep writing until the 3rd of September in 2018.  That would be when it officially ended.  When I lost my shit.

Mind you, when I lost my shit, all that happened was I cut myself.  I sent her a picture.  Then we got in a bit of an argument.  She demanded to know why.  The reason why was because all she was doing was drinking and partying with Dennis and Daniel and kept postponing picking up the rest of her shit.  Like, I felt like she was avoiding me.  Of course, she said she needed time.

Time from what?  I didn’t understand what she needed time from if I TOTALLY NEGLECTED HER.

Again, it just sounded like she was making excuses.  I was tired of her shit.  I was upset so I cut myself.  And when she cut herself and I asked her about it, she said she was fine.  I told her the same thing and she refused that answer.  So, I guess she wanted me to get super angry and yelly when that happened.  I guess it would have shown that I cared.

The reason I didn’t lose my shit was because I didn’t want to appear like her step-father who was a total asshole.  She said “I needed it, you don’t understand” when I pressed further.  So… I let her.  Then when I cut myself and tell her the same thing, she got angry and she yelled, “I’m not going to shrug it off like you do!” implying I didn’t care.

The thing is, I hated myself when she cut herself.  I blamed myself for it.  So when she did it the first time, I isolated myself.  Had a short fit of depression.  She didn’t get that.  But you know what? I was right.  I was the problem.

I tried to give her what she needed.  But… when summer came, I just got depressed.  I isolated myself.  She didn’t get that, I guess. Dennis exploited it and then… well, you know the rest.

Anyways, my goal for the kickstarter is going to be a lot shorter.  I’m going to spend 15-20 dollars on Pewdiepie’s livestream.  Get him to give my kickstarter a shout out.  Then, after that, I’ll go to other streams with similar principles.  Yeah, that’d work, I think. People are bound to donate then.  If not, at least the word would get out.  It’s not free advertisement, but it’s cheap.

And it’s guaranteed to reach a certain amount of people.

I wonder if that’s against the rules, though.  I’ll have to check. If I get banned forever, then fuck.  It seemed like a good idea.  I don’t know if he still streams.  Maybe I should… sub.  Gross… I never sub to anything, even if I like them.  >:C

But… I still need to know when he’s streaming…

Regardless, even if people don’t donate they’ll be aware and spread the word about it.  That’d be just as fine.  Because the more people who see it, the quicker it’ll spread to people who can afford to give. It’s only 5000 dollars.  Maybe I should lower it to 4000, but I’ll NEED the 5000 after the 5% cut.  When I go through my book one more time, I’ll have even more words.  That’s one of my problems as of now.

Of course, if I lower it, it’ll be easier to actually get the money. But if I don’t have enough, then I’m still fucked.  I can’t do shit with it.  However, I could use it as proof to a publisher that the book would sell.  It’ll be a good source and you know how I am with my sources.  Oh, if I have stretch goals I can get ACTUAL books so it’ll be easier to research.  Oh, that would be so nice.  Poor internet has always been my bane when it’s come to writing because I could never get the sources quick enough.  And the sources I did find were… contradictory at times.  I hate to admit it, but I had to use Wikipedia.  A lot.  :/

Still. April is when I’ll set the limit.  Cash out far sooner and it should help get published by my next birthday.  For those who don’t know, I share my birthday with Julius Caesar.  July 13th, something something BC.

That’s a joke, but the month and day are correct.  In fact, July is named after him.  Then August is named after Augustus.  The months used to be named after gods or numbers.  December means 10th month but it’s the 12th month.  That’s some fun facts.  :D

Anyways, I’m feeling much better.  I really should have started this journal sooner.  I mean, I dislike the fact that I’m no longer talking to Esther, but I guess you guys are alright.  I’m sure you already hate me after the last few days, probably.  But maybe you’ll get over it.  Which reminds me…

Hi. I’m Stephen.  I don’t think I ever introduced myself.

My favorite color is blue, I’m a Cancer, I’m a Communist, with a tough outer exterior and have a sensitive side.  Normally, you’d never know about that side… but after all I told you, you know I’d be lying if I didn’t mention it.  I… can get attached to someone easily.  Surprisingly easily.  I knew this, so I tried pushing people away.  I pushed Esther away and that surprised her.  It attracted her.  One of my biggest flaws is that I don’t stop talking about my ex.

That’ll go away, though.  I can be pretty charming, but I’m usually just a ditz.

My dislikes tend to include my former best friend, the historical revisionism, GM vehicles, and anime.  I know, someone on Tumblr who doesn’t like Anime?  Barbaric!  I only like Anime Gifs with Sound, but only because it reminded me so much of Anime Music Video Hell. That was some of my favorite stuff.  I liked the random, short, chaotic clips.  I also enjoyed Robot Chicken.  Not sure if it’s still on.

Yeah, I probably shouldn’t be on Tumblr.  It’s… not my style.  I tend to be the one making the offensive comments.  I start the fires more than I douse them.  If you stalk me, you’ll see that.  Not that I’m encouraging you too, but I’m usually ready to throw a verbal beat down.  I try not to go balls deep immediately because most the people I tend to aggravate are pretty sensitive.  I’m like a cat in the sense that I play with mice, they being the mice.

There was this time… Dennis could confirm this because I was there with it.  An African-American gentleman.  It was in an online game.  I told Dennis, “Watch this.”  Then I asked the server, “Alright, real talk.  Who here is racist, hands up and be honest.”  This dude, the African-American gentleman hilariously named Orgasm Donner said, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT SHIT!!!”

That’s his first mistake.  I was like, “Whoa, easy.  I was just asking because I’m ______ race and I’m just making sure we don’t have to deal with their crap.  I’m not racist, myself.”  Then he was like, “Oh, sorry.  See, I’m black and I have to deal with that shit everyday, I didn’t mean to be rude.”  Again, total gentleman.

Anyways, I told him, “Man, FUCK you!  You racist piece of shit, getting up on my shit without reason!  What’s your problem?!”  Then the entire server turned against him, flat out calling him “Nigger!” and just antagonizing the poor guy.  Again, he was super polite and totally didn’t deserve it.  But, I laughed.  I got my jolly.  And after a while, I stopped antagonizing him because the entire server had already turned against him.

Dennis said he was HORRIFIED with how quickly that turned.

If Orgasm Donner reads this, just letting you know.  Nothing personal, I’m just an asshole.  I’m sure you’re over it.  But just in case, sorry for giving you a hard time.  I personally thought you were a cool guy, just stepping in the wrong trap.

Ah, well.  Anyways, it’s currently 10.  I’m going to do some Sets and take a shower.  Tomorrow will be a big day for me.  After Starbucks, I’ll have to do some cleaning around the house.  Then I also have to call my bank to get my information.  Busy day tomorrow.

I’ll be upstairs until then.  I guess I’ll have to explain the floor layout for that to make sense…  Another time.

Thank you for listening, Tumblr.  Thank you for your patience.  Thank you for your anger.  I hope we talk more, sometime.  :D