#written at 4:04 am

[thatfeelinwhenyou]

HANDS ON YOU — lee heeseung

IN WHICH; I-LAND 2 happened and you debuted first place as the leader of LUMIÈRE. Having been told that your group is involved in a lore crossover with ENHYPEN, you navigate work, friendship, and love while trying to make it in an industry filled with animosity and condemnation. When life throws you lemons, you gotta make lemonades chuck it right back!

PAIRING: idol!heeseung x idol!fem!reader

GENRE: smau, strangers to lovers, celebrity x celebrity, forbidden love, fluff, don’t let the first part of the smau fool you i swear it’s full on angst towards the end, slowest of the slow burns…

WARNINGS: contains profanities, horrible humour, kys/kms jokes, sexual innuendos, spelling errors, incorrect timestamps, probably some cringe-worthy moments, cyberbullying, racist and misogynistic comments made about reader, death threats, mentions/depictions of overworking, insomnia, eating disorders, not proofread etc. (i am not in anyway romanticising, encouraging or condoning the usage of these topics. purely for the plot and development of the story.)

STATUS: completed! (04/06/2023 – 08/08/2023)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: please read! literally my first attempt at a smau so please don't flame me 💀 i must warn y’all that the timestamps are really all over the place, so DO NOT pay attention to them until stated. the content and depiction of the characters in this smau do not in anyway represent them in real life. chapters with ‘(hw)’ next to them indicates that they are half-written, in case y’all accidentally skip over it! last but not least, if you do end up enjoying it please like, comment (absolutely love reading comments!), and reblog! without further ado, enjoy!!

p.s this was written way before the actual airing of I-LAND 2 and not meant to be connected with the real show/contestants in anyway.

TAGS: #tfwy handsonyou

prologue - introducing LUMIÈRE part 1 | part 2

profile. one | two

chapter 1 - number 1 hater

chapter 2 - infant

chapter 3 - #prayersformarklee ✊🤞

chapter 4 - dog-eater…? (hw)

chapter 5 - breaking records(?)

chapter 6 - still employed!

chapter 7 - bad publicity is still publicity

chapter 8 - to hee or not to hee

chapter 9 - the heist

chapter 10 - trigger warning

chapter 11 - soompitydimpity

chapter 12 - chronic insomnia

chapter 13 - to hee after all

chapter 14 - wild pokémon heeseungie

chapter 15 - artists

chapter 16 - that should be me

chapter 17 - bills

chapter 18 - the elephant in the room (hw)

chapter 19 - if you let me

chapter 20 - trouble? travel! (hw)

chapter 21 - caught in a lie

chapter 22 - always on your side

chapter 23 - princess syndrome

chapter 24 - you (hw)

chapter 25 - golden thread

chapter 26 - way back home (hw)

chapter 27 - uh oh…

chapter 28 - fight or flight

chapter 29 - close friends

chapter 30 - paradoxx invasion

chapter 31 - ramen

chapter 32 - 080923 (hw)

chapter 33 - driver

chapter 34 - demure and honest

chapter 35 - p-platonic?!?

chapter 36 - friends don’t look at friends that way

chapter 37 - bungeoppang

chapter 38 - back to the way things were..?

chapter 39 - wheel of fortune

chapter 40 - i miss holding your hand (hw)

chapter 41 - sooha (real)

chapter 42 - rizzseung

chapter 43 - project luminescence

chapter 44 - i will go to you like the first snow (hw)

chapter 45 - it’s awfully quiet…

chapter 46 - jake pick me era?

chapter 47 - my life without you is a misery

chapter 48 - your honour, i’m innocent

chapter 49 - breaking my silence

chapter 50 - he’s being exploited!

chapter 51 (finale) - number 1 fan (hw)

epilogue - forever ruined by you

bonus chapter!

the exes talk

Copyright© 2023 thatfeelinwhenyou All Rights Reserved

[edenesth]

ATEEZ Masterlist

About the author✨

♡ — Author's personal favourites ☆ — Fan favourites

Kim Hongjoong

↪ Undying Bonds (zombie apocalypse au) ♡☆

↪ Pride and Prejudice (office au) ♡

↪ The Captain's Favourite (wonderland au) ☆

↪ 4:43 AM ☆

↪ Stitched Hearts (historical au) ♡☆

↪ Clumsy Hearts, Steady Love (non-idol au) ☆

Park Seonghwa

↪ Undying Bonds (zombie apocalypse au) ♡☆

↪ One Day at a Time (single parent au) ♡

↪ The General's Wife (wonderland au) ♡☆

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↪ 2:36 PM ♡☆

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Jung Yunho

↪ Blossoming Alliances (arranged marriage au) ☆

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Kang Yeosang

↪ Speak Now (hanahaki au) ☆

↪ The Royal Librarian (wonderland au)

↪ 7:29 PM ♡

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Choi San

↪ The Secret Admirer (high school au) ☆

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Song Mingi

↪ The Heart Wants What It Wants (mafia au)

↪ 5:04 AM ☆

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↪ 9:47 PM ♡

↪ Written in the Stars (historical au) ♡☆

↪ 8:54 PM ♡

↪ the boy is mine

↪ Lies and Lace (modern au) [Coming soon]

You and your childhood friend, Mingi, were torn apart when you were kidnapped, only to reunite years later in vastly different circumstances. You are now the captivating Miss Ruby Divine, a star cabaret performer at the Moulin Rouge, while he has become a feared assassin. Your conflicting jobs fuel a turbulent love-hate relationship as you navigate past traumas, leading to a dangerous dance of desire where Mingi must confront his feelings and risk everything to protect the woman he can't bear to lose again.

Jung Wooyoung

↪ Still You (office au) ☆

↪ 6:14 PM ♡

↪ The Painter's Muse (wonderland au) ♡

↪ Take Me Away (historical au) ♡☆

↪ Midnight Fiction (non-idol au) ♡

↪ 5:45 PM ♡☆

Choi Jongho

↪ Guarding Hearts (fake marriage au) ♡☆

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OT8

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A/N: This is an SFW blog and I only write using female pronouns. Leave a reply or message to let me know if you wish to be added to my general ATEEZ tag list (or if you wish to be removed, I'd understand).

All Rights Reserved © edenesth

DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE, PLAGIARISE OR OTHERWISE REPURPOSE ANY OF THE WORK HERE.

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[monstrousmuse]

I am not sure if anyone here has already made this connection or pointed this out (apologies if so), but while doing some research into Flatland/the 11 dimensions the other day, I discovered something pretty interesting…

…

In the ‘Book of Bill’ announcement video, as well as distorted, synthesised background music and the Morse Code (which has already been deciphered), we can also hear several lines of spoken dialogue, the first of which being the line: “some other mystic dimension”.

Timestamp: 0:04

Now, this line already raises several questions - which ‘dimension’ is being referring to here? And why is it considered to be ‘mystic(al)’? Well, we don’t have a definite answer to either of those questions just yet, but if you will humour me for a moment, I have a few suggestions. Either this ‘other mystic dimension’ could be referring to Bill’s own homeland, the Second Dimension (which would naturally be considered ‘other’, ‘mystic’ and generally unfamiliar to us, the readers), or perhaps, it is referring to the Third Dimension itself, or what is known as Spaceland (Height/Up) in Abbott’s novella. I think the latter to be far more likely, especially with what I am about to show you. This is where my excessive YouTube deep-diving habits came in useful.

…

During my research quest, I stumbled upon this video of the famous astronomer and science communicator Carl Sagan (take note of this name) explaining the concept of the Fourth Dimension, as well as other Flatland-adjacent things. And lo and behold, at 4:37, what do we hear?

“And the poor Square has to say: ‘Well, I was in some other mystic dimension called Up…”

Yes, that’s right. The exact words that were used in the promo video.

To provide you some context, here Sagan is recounting the experience of A Square who, with the guidance and revelations of A Sphere, has just returned from a recent foray into the Third Dimension, and is trying to explain his sudden disappearance and newfound knowledge of Height to his friends. So saying, it is likely that the ‘other mystic dimension’ being referred to in the BoB video is in fact, the Third Dimension, since this is a book that has been written from Bill’s perspective, and it seems that he will be filling in the role of A Square in this narrative, discovering the Secrets Of The Universe and all. Although, I must emphasise that this is still just speculation on my part, based on the assumption that Bill’s backstory will be pretty similar to, if not a direct retelling of Flatland:

“Flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams.”

Who knows, Alex Hirsch may just subvert our expectations entirely.

“I liberated my dimension (…)” / “Saw his own dimension burn. Misses home and can’t return.”

…

Anyway, I have another little piece of the puzzle to share. The line spoken in the announcement video isn’t merely a word-for-word recreation of what Carl Sagan said, It is Carl Sagan. They used a direct clip from an episode of Cosmos. This has me giddy with excitement, because Carl Sagan, a man with much notoriety within the scientific community, and many achievements and accolades to his name, is known to be one of Ford’s scientific idols.

The level of detail in this show, and I guess now in its extended literary canon’s advertisement material, is insane. Do with this information what you will. Perhaps there’s a connection here that will be expounded upon in the book. Perhaps it’s just a cool reference. Even so, it is a very intriguing one nonetheless, especially with the tie-ins to Flatland, theoretical physics and Ford’s hero-worshipping. It’s clearly intentional.

…

(If anyone is interested, here is an excellent meta which provides a very detailed exploration and analysis of Ford’s respective connections to Sagan and Tesla.)

[mazikeenhyde]

Less than a Minute - Part 4 - Final

WARNING – 18+ ONLY – MINORS DNI

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS FANFICTION HEAVILY COMMENTS ON DEPRESSION & SUICIDE. This is your warning if you are easily triggered! 

A Poly!Judgment-Day fanfiction containing themes and mentions of DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, LONLINESS, PANIC ATTACKS, SMUT (GIRL-ON-GIRL), ANGST, SADNESS, ALCOHOL, HOSPITALS etc 

READER X JUDGMENT DAY – POLY – Rhea, Damien, Finn, Dominik x READER- Written mainly in first person view (Reader Female) 

 Italic font – flashback, speech or memories

Word Count -4,167 +

Less than a minute – Part 4

04:40am – December 26th, 2023

“Fucking birds…” I muttered to myself as I dragged my feet to the bathroom. I had never been a morning person; I had never been one to leap out of bed at the crack of dawn and seize the day! And I certainly wasn’t the one who suggested we take a family trip out to the middle of nowhere to spend Christmas in the countryside where there were quite literally hundreds, no scratch that bloody thousands of God damn fucking birds singing in every bush, shrub and tree for miles. Not to mention that stupid fucking rooster from the local village farm that thought now was a great time to warm up its voice, clearly preparing itself for a debut at the local karaoke chicken barn. 

“Stupid fucking birds cocka-doodl-fucking-dooing at stupid fucking four am in the fucking morning” I ranted quietly as I ran my toothbrush under the sink and started brushing my teeth. I could see my reflection in the mirror, what a sight! My hair looked like someone had dragged me backwards through a hedge to have their way with me, to be fair, that remark wasn’t too far from the truth. I dare not go downstairs for the fear of seeing the mess that needed cleaning up. Between the five of us we had polished off 4 bottles of champagne, half a bottle of vodka, two bottles of red wine and I don’t think I want to recount just how many tequila bombs Finn had magically made appear. And in turn we had all made disappear. Top the night off with a very…. messy? Group jacuzzi dip and hey presto, A hangover from Hell. 

I could feel my head lightly spinning as I closed my eyes holding onto the wall for support whilst continuing to clean my teeth. I had become a pro at composing myself the morning after the night before, I knew the drill and how to stop it from getting any worse. 

Brush Teeth 

Pint of water 

Pain killers 

Close the door and avoid all human interaction for the foreseeable future 

Swear to never drink again 

Remind yourself these rules are a load of bollocks, and you never learn. 

Christmas day had been incredible and the matching fleecy pyjamas we had all gone to bed in were the cherry on top. I mean they didn’t fully stay on for long… but it was the thought from Dominik that counted. Rhea and I in little candy cane vest top and shorts and the boys each with long legged fleecy trousers and t-shirts also printed with little candy canes. Too sweet for words and apparently far too irresistible to tear off each other. 

I peeked my head out the bathroom window and smirked at the sight. Some abandoned pyjama pieces both inside and out the jacuzzi were all that remained out there of a very memorable, but fuzzy night. It was still dark out, but the sun had begun to make an appearance, so a very soft warming glow was ever so slightly lighting the horizon. The countryside really was beautiful in the winter, frosted windowpanes and a festive chill in the air really made it feel like Christmas… Well boxing day now. 

As I continued to clean my teeth, I looked back at myself in the mirror pulling my hair into a messy bun.

There it was.

 I could see it there… for a moment. 

That pain hiding in my eyes. 

 I could see it.

 I could feel it.

 I had been running from it for some time now and I had hoped if I just pushed myself, if I focused and didn’t think about it, maybe it would go away. How naive I was to think life was ever that kind. Why was this happening, everything is good, everything was okay. I’m surrounded by love, by compassion, by happiness. This can’t be happening. But it was, it was happening. 

The world around me began to fall, the room echoed away, and the bells began to ring. As if nothing existed around but me… and the fear.

I held the sink tightly, balancing the toothbrush between my teeth. “No…No…Come on... Come on” I whispered, gripping the basin tighter and taking a sharp short breath. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, the pace ever growing and the room around closing in. Why was this happening. Why?!

 I held back the tears that were threatening their escape and turned the cold tap on, spitting out the toothbrush and flushing my face with the water in attempt to ground myself. 

Quickly turning I closed and locked the bathroom door behind me and ever so silently I slid myself down the door frame till I collapsed into a hunched ball on the cold tiled floor. 

For an hour I sat there. Alone. In silence. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t move a muscle. I barley even blinked. I didn’t shed a single tear. As if I had dissociated from all reality, I felt as if I didn’t even exist. Did I want to exist?

------------------------------------------------------

As quickly as it came, it went. Standing to my feet I quietly unlocked the bathroom door and crept back into the bedroom. Sprawled out across a rather incredibly large king size bed lay a bundle of entangled limbs. Finn lay with one arm hanging off the bed and a Santa hat pushed back across his hair. Dominik’s head tucked up under his arm with one leg wrapped over Rhea’s waist and the other above the duvet. Hidden underneath the mullet was the dark locks of a miss Rhea Ripley whose black lipstick had been smudged down the side of her cheek. Smirking to myself I remembered having her face buried between my thighs under the Christmas tree while the boys played beer pong in the kitchen, unbeknown to them that us girls were sharing a little late ‘Christmas’ gift.  

“Quickly!” Rhea said softly under her breath as she laughed taking my hand and sneaking away from the kitchen where Damien, Dominik and Finn had set up the dining table in order to begin a beer pong tournament. Slightly spilling our drinks in the hallway, we snuck our way into the opposing front room and closed the door behind us. The little cottage we had rented was a truly beautiful masterpiece, it stood in a huge field with no nearby neighbours. Exactly the kind of place you would want to escape to when you and your partners live life in the eye of the ever-nosey public view. 

Rhea took my champagne glass from me and set it down with hers as well on the wooden unit before turning to face me. An ever so cheeky smile she grinned, showing off that enticing black lipstick and long lashes that had never failed to pull me into her grasp. 

Running her right hand through my hair she raised her left hand and reached over trailing her fingers up my bare thighs, I shivered to her touch. Her grip tightened as she took a fistful of my hair and pinned me against the wall opposite a rather stupidly positioned Christmas tree. My breathe hitched in my throat as her lips positioned themselves mere millimetres from the dark red lipstick across mine. 

“Hola Bunny….” Rhea spoke oh so softly, leaning across my chest and into my ear as she released her grip in my hair whilst moving my hands to position them above my head. 

“Don’t. Move.” She stated and slowly she crouched down removing my shorts before throwing one of my legs over her shoulder and pulled my red laced panties to the side with her other free hand. 

“Feliz Navidad” She smirked, winking up at me before rolling the cold stud in her tongue through the folds between my legs and planting a soft gentle kiss on my clit. 

“Fuckkkk.” I whimpered, desperately trying to keep my hands above my head as her tounge moved back, ever increasing her speed as she caressed my sensitive bud between her teeth. Moving my leg slightly higher on her shoulder she slid two fingers inside of me and began to pump as her lipstick smeared its way across my wet pussy lips and I felt my legs shiver. Harder. Faster. With no mercy. Rhea was rough, her nails dug into my pale skin and her persistent tounge dug ever deeper, hunting down the orgasm she so desperately wanted across her face. A knot began building inside my stomach as the muscles in my thighs tightened and I shifted my weight onto her before gripping onto the first thing I could reach. 

“Fuckk, Fuckk, Rhea... oh godd” I pleaded as my entire body tensed and a part of me panicked at the idea of losing this feeling if I couldn’t find my balance. 

Pinning me against the wall with her hands, her face, her entire body weight even she gripped my one lose arm that had fallen from above my head to lock me in position whilst my other free arm had latched itself onto the Christmas tree for dear life, now no longer standing straight in its metal stand. The lights on it flickered on and off as we both shook, unable to hold our positions still. 

Rhea pounded into my aching pussy with her fingers as her tounge stud bullied against me, I could feel the sweat begin to drip down my neck and into my cleavage as I panted, and my heart threatened to break from my chest. Rhea gripped my body so tightly tipping me over the edge and the orgasm she had worked so hard for spilled out across her face, ruining what was left of that perfectly placed lipstick liner. 

The boys wouldn’t have actually ever known what we were up to if I hadn’t forgotten I wasn’t exactly standing with two feet on the ground. Instead relaxing for a moment, Rhea shifted her weight off me, and I went to move but ended up toppling the Christmas tree over on top of us. 

A loud crash echoed through the cottage, along with the familiar sound of smashing baubles (a sound that came with a reminder from when we had once trusted Dom to unwrap the Christmas decorations, I reckon 8/10 of them he had either dropped, stood on, misplaced or knocked off the tree completely) and the fairy lights short circuiting from the plug coming out the wall. 

The door flew open and in ran Finn and Dom who didn’t look half as shocked as Damien looked gutted to have missed out. 

“Are you okay?!” Finn and Dom said in Unison. 

“Where was my invite!?” Damien demanded looking down on a half undressed and slightly exposed me whilst Rhea ran her hand around her lips enjoying what was left from the actions from before and smirking towards the boys before winking at me. 

----------------------------

Damien laid face down into the bed on his chest with his entire body laying ontop of the duvet, I wondered if he had passed out like that or if he just liked showing off his bright green and red stripped ‘Mr Grinch’ pants. Either way, that was one fine ass. The devil on my shoulders first word of thought was to bite down it, mark my territory you could say. But the ever-increasing hangover told me otherwise and the opposing angel buried that idea quickly. Had Damien put me across his knee for misbehaving I wasn’t entirely sure all the alcohol was going to stay down with the impact. Ever tempting as it may have been. 

Instead seizing my opportunity, I gently tip toed over to the bedside and climbed over to position myself between Damien and Rhea. Snuggling myself under the duvet and into his embrace he was quick to join me and turn over taking in a deep inhale of my hair, kissing my head and quickly falling back asleep. 

I wished we could have paused the clock there. Time could have stood still, and I could have never felt safer than in the arms of the four people who made my heart feel so full. Can’t have it all though can you, secretly I knew that. I knew that this was just the beginning of my downfall. I never would have known how bad it could have gotten. 

Who knew when you hit rock bottom, there’s a basement that follows. 

The sounds of the hospital filled every inch of the waiting room, the persistent beeps and alarms ringing from every was enough to drive anyone mad. 

“For god sake, he was bought in by an ambulance no more than 20 minuite ago?! How can you not know where he is, that’s your job isn’t it!?” Finn slammed his fists down on the enquiry desk as an old miserable nurse stood staring at him. 

“As I told your… “ the matron cleared her throat “Partner, we don’t have anyone here under the name Master Dominik Mysterio?” 

“Christ, Gutierrez! Not Mysterio… idiota!” Priest shook his head before turning back to a recognisable figure walking towards them from the hallway. 

“DOM!” Priest shouted as he grabbed Finn by the shoulder and they both rushed over as Damien grabbed the boy and pulling him into a tight embrace. 

“Ow…” Dom whimpered as Finn lept into the hug. 

“What the hell happened love!?” Finn pulled back grabbing Dom’s face, checking him over for any sign of injury or illness. 

Dom shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, “I uhh, I” but he was interrupted by a doctor that was walking up behind him. 

“Panic attack, as I was trying to explain to you Mr. Guiterrez before you demanded to leave ” the doctor  looked up at the towering figure of Damien and smiled at the Irish man clinging onto the hand of his patient. 

“Are you two his carers?” The doctor questioned 

“Something like that…” Damien replied as Finn smirked. 

“OI!” Dom said still rubbing the back of his head. 

“Paramedics said that the hotel staff had found him unconscious in a hotel room, we believe he has hit his head as he had some concussion symptoms. But he’s refusing treatment, says he has somewhere he needs to be?” The doctor questioned them. 

Finn’s phone pinged and pulling it out from his pocket he looked down to a message from Rhea. 

“Not somewhere, were trying to find someone! And I’m fine, I don’t need looking after” Dom tried to explain. 

“Dom, shh. Listen to the doctor” Damien interjected before Finn tapped him on the shoulder showing him the message from Rhea. 

“What is it?” Dom asked trying to peer over Damien’s shoulder, quickly realising he wasn’t exactly tall enough.  

“We have to go, Doc we take full responsibility for him, Scouts honour!” Finn stated and took Dom’s hand rushing out the door, Damien followed hastily behind. 

“You need to….” The doctor called after them, but it was too late.

“Sign the discharge forms.” He sighed and put the clipboard down on the enquiry desk, raising an eyebrow at the nurse who had been dealing with Finn’s outburst. 

“Men…” She stated and turning on her heels she walked off in a huff. 

----------------------------------

A familiar voice bought me back to reality, those all to recognisable tears I had only heard once before. They sounded so broken, so heartfelt. It was Rhea. Holding me tightly on the steps of the city library where I had sought out the silent solitude it had always offered. If you cannot speak in the library, then no one could ask me what was wrong. 

I had only ever heard her cry with such emotion once, losing her nonna had caused such a devastating blow to her and that pain never truly leaves you. The one time we as humans wished we could turn off that emotional switch and feel nothing at all. 

I wish I could have felt nothing in that moment, because how I did feel was not fair to her. It wasn’t fair to any of them. It wasn’t fair to me, but I couldn’t hide that truth. it was how I felt. 

I resented her. I hated her. Why was she here. Why had she found me. Why did I have to feel this way. 

Throwing myself up and out of her arms I lept into the dark street and stared back at the bewildered face of the woman I had grown to devote myself to. I couldn’t see a way to live my life without her, without any of them. My heart would never truly love anyone again the way the love for them I had, fed into my soul. I depended on them for my survival. 

“Bunny please...” Rhea lept to her feet standing just a few feet from me in the road, reaching out her arm, hand outstretched. Her voice breaking from the cold and fear as she went to speak again but I interrupted her. It was as if something inside of me set off the dynamite that tore down the walls I had built up for so long and every last piece of vulnerability drowned the streets around us, refilling the puddles that had saturated the roads. 

“NO! STOP! Please Rhea! No, shit no! Why!? Why are you here! Why can’t you understand!? CHRIST. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE UNDERSTAND!” I screamed and ran my hands over my face and through my hair clawing at my neck. I could barely breath, my lungs were on fire, my chest so tight. My entire body was soaked to the bone and frozen. Lips chapped and sense of reality fading fast.  The anxiety inside me was fuelling a fire that was quickly spreading out of control. 

“I want to…” Rhea tried to reason with me, her voice soft, fragile. 

“I want to understand, Y/N please, just, talk to me. We can work this out, you and me. Just us… Look…” She turned her head signalling the space around us. 

“It’s just you and me. It’s okay…” She spoke gently taking a step towards me. 

That Panic set in. 

“Don’t you fucking come near me, don’t you… don’t you fucking come near me!” I screamed. She didn’t deserve this; she had shown me nothing but love. Yet I had no control over it anymore. Like a tornado destroying everything in its path, this storm was out for blood. 

“CHRIST, what is wrong with me! What is wrong with this world, what is wrong with this… this fucking, this bullshit! Everyone on it, no one understands. It’s like a prison… I feel, I feel like. Like I can’t breathe!” I grasped at my chest backing further away from her. As if a thousands rubber bands wrapped around my lungs, I was suffocating.  

“Talk to me bunny, just talk to me. Whatever it is, we can fix it?” Rhea begged, she tried to reason with me. 

I stared at her blankly. I knew this was going to hurt. 

Fuck it. 

“It’s you.” I said. 

Cold. 

Blunt. 

To the point. 

“It’s all of you.” My words were empty. As empty as I felt. 

Rhea had nothing, no words. Nothing to say, no way of understanding why it was like this. 

I had broken down, I couldn’t hold back the heart ache, the tears, none of it. I was an empty shell of myself, and every emotion poured out with every word. 

“Every day. Every day I wake up, every day I wake up and I have to live. I live my life and then I go to sleep. Every day I am surrounded by the love you all give; I am surrounded by the happiness and the joy and the compassion that is gifted in the promise and security of the devotion we have for each other. The smiling faces of people passing by on their way to their boring jobs, their boring families, to pay their shitty boring rent. I stand here now knowing all this, knowing I am privileged to be living a life filled with more love in every second of every day than most people see in a lifetime.” I fell to my knees, unable to bear the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. 

“So why is it that every day when I open my eyes, when I look in the mirror, when that second of silence between a conversation hits, the first thought in my head, is how long is left?” I gritted my teeth, pouring out my heart to the world. 

“Is it wrong to hate you, to resent you all so much. I feel such spite. I despise the love you all have for me because selfishly, I know, I know I can’t stop. I can’t kill myself. I can’t kill myself because that wouldn’t be fair. Not to you, not to the boys, not to my family or friends. The most important decision of my life and I don’t even get to make it” I looked up at Rhea with blood shot eyes. 

“I don’t want to be unhappy anymore. I don’t want to be here, but I don’t have a reason to feel this way, and I don’t know why I do.” 

Rhea threw herself to the floor around me and pulled me in tightly, I felt the bones in my back click and my chest restricted as her grasp tightened around me to the risk of never being able to let go. 

No matter what now, she was never letting go. 

I didn’t fight her anymore. Id given up fighting it. 

Instead, I shielded myself in her embrace. Kissing the top of my head Rhea rested her chin on me, despite both being frozen I could feel her warmth breaking through. 

“Y/N...” Rhea gently spoke looking deep into my eyes. 

“That’s called being Human. And its shit. Its fucking shit, it’s unfair and its cruel. That’s why you don’t hide this away. You don’t try and fight a war all by yourself.  You are more loved than you will ever know bunny! And whether you want it or not, its there. It will always be there, and we will always be here.” 

Rhea took her hands around my face and pulled me in, so our foreheads connected. 

“Were in this together, you and me. All of us. The boys too. Remember bunny, It’s not for forever. It’s just for now.” 

As if something clicked, something unexplainable. Something spiritual in the moment, the world disappeared from around us, every element meant nothing except the two of us. Right there, the most important moment for us in all of time and space. 

“You just keep going, for just one more minuite.” Rhea whispered under her breath. 

For a moment it felt like time stood still, and the world had fallen silent in the honest truths that had been spoken. 

Not for long though, for the sound of silence was broken by screeching tyres. Headlights illuminated our silhouettes and as if from out of nowhere a large rental truck slammed its brakes on coming to a stop. 

The car door flew open and out fell Finn, scrambling to his feet he stood up with one hand on the door as his eyes widened, mixed with relief and with fear. His eyes were bloodshot, red and exhausted. 

“Y/N?” he sounded shocked. 

Rhea turned her head to face him and smile, but that relief on her face quickly changed to confusion. 

“Finn? Where’s Damien? Where’s Dom?” 

He didn’t answer her. Standing in silence as if he didn’t know how to respond to a question he very well knew the answer to. 

I turned my head to face him, looking around for two people who weren’t there. 

“Finn?” I looked up at him, trying to hide the worry in my eyes. 

Letting out a gentle sigh Finn smiled and turned his back around as the back passenger door to the truck opened slowly as Damien stepped out, gently removing a sleeping Dominik from his lap and resting the boy against the car seat. He leant against the car door smiling at the two of us sitting in the middle of the road. 

Rhea turned her head to face me and pulling my viewpoint to hers she looked deep into my eyes. 

“Come on Bunny, Let’s go home”.

“Home?” I questioned her.  

“Home.” She smiled, “We are going home.” 

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Update 27 Nov 23

Ko-Fi thing

You can call me Nyarla, I guess.

Or "Yo She-Bitch." Either's cool.

Soooo I figured I might need to make one of those MASTERLIST things because I cannot stop writing (which is the most amazing feeling ever when I've been in a writer's block for months).

It's just One Piece Live Action right now, but as my confidence increases I might post some of my other fandom work.

I'm Open for Requests for OPLA fics and headcanon. Primarily Character X FemaleReader, but I'm flexible.

I do reserve the right to not write every single request that is asked, since I am human and my abilities do have limitations, but I swear I will try.

I'm not squeamish about much of anything, so don't refrain. I'll always post any necessary ⚠️Trigger Warnings⚠️ right here with the links.

I'm always open to requests for Shanks, Mihawk, Zoro, and Sanji. Possibly also Buggy, Luffy, Usopp, Koby, and Helmeppo, but I haven't written them much, so please bear with me if it takes me a bit to respond.

Honestly please bear with me if it takes me a while to respond to Asks/Requests in general because I get really nervous about getting them perfect.

Some things about the weirdo that's writing this shit can be found here

Masterlist

The Lovely Alphabet (NSFW)

Sanji

Zoro

Shanks

Mihawk

Dialog I Presently Have No Use For

(But might eventually) (basically mini dialogue-centric fics that may make there way into something else later or might not)

01 Get Out

02 Can We Keep Her?

03 What Happens in Loguetown

04 Coffins and Coping Mechanisms

05 Kitty

06 Send Help

07 Pep Talk

08 Death Wish

09 Oh No Not Again

10 Shanty Time!

11 No Sleep

12 The Throngler™

The Best Boys

First Kiss

Material Boys (NSFW)

I Don't Even Know Music Or Something?

Ooooh...Kinky ;D (NSFW)

In the Kitchen

HAMMERED

Because I Got High

Whoops

Short Stuff

Hobbies

ABCs of Kink (NSFW)

D is for Dominance (First Kiss sequal)

P is for Public Blacksmith's Daughter Part 1 . . . Part 2 . . . Part 3

Mihawk

Your Scars Are Mine (NSFW)

(Trigger Warnings for Self-Harm, Blood, Implied PTSD)

Ch. 1 . . . Ch. 2 . . . Ch. 3

Ten Years (unofficial sequel to YSAM) (NSFW)

Mood Swings (mostly SFW headcanons)

Hearing Problems (NSFW eventually)

Guess this is important

All OC Face Claims and Character Sheet Links

Ch.1 . . . Ch. 2 . . . Ch. 3 . . . Ch. 4 . . . Ch. 5 . . . Ch. 6 . . . Ch. 7

Sanji

Late Night Chats

X plus-sizeReader Headcanons (NSFW)

Tongue Ring headcanons

Zoro

Strawhat Stowaway Ch. 1 . . . Ch. 2

Shanks

Redhead suppremacy (sfw headcanons)

!!COMIMG SOON!!

(...I hope)

(Some titles subject to change)

Tongue Ring (F is for Food Play)

Blacksmith's Daughter part 2 (P is for Public, ABC's of Kink)

O is for O Denial

B is for Brat Tamer

[darkstar225]

@woso-fan13 Updated Masterlist

Updated: 04 January 2024

I have no clue why I did this, I just love this writer sm and wish I could check everything in one place since I keep re-reading the fics lol

PS: If the writer wants me to delete the post and send it to you so you'll post it, feel free to message me! I just love the fics and felt like doing this :D

It didn't fit everything so check out @woso-fan13 for the other masterlist with the rest S2

Sicktember 2023

Number 1: Hopelessly Bad at Self-Care

Number 2: Quest For A Cure

Number 3: “What Happened To Your Phenomenal Immune System, Huh?”

Number 4: Hiding an Illness

Number 5: Preventative Measures (Not Taken)

Number 6: Sick & Injured

Number 7: “You’re A Jerk When You’re Sick”

Number 8: Persistent Fever

Number 9: White Coat Syndrome

Number 10: “The Only Place We’re Going Is To The Pharmacy”

Number 11: Beginner’s Guide To Faking Sick

Number 12: Home Remedy/Old Wives Tale

Number 13: Anxious Stomach

Number 14: “I shouldn’t be worried about you, but for some reason I am.”

Number 15: Sick in an Inconvenient Place

Number 16: Consulting the Internet/Web MD

Number 17: Magical Remedy/ Healing Potion

Number 18: “Wear Your Coat, You’ll Catch a Cold”

Number 19: Curled Up With a Pet

Number 20: Cramping Pain

Number 21: “But if you stay, you’ll get sick too.”

Number 22: Terms of Endearment/Nicknames

Number 23: Coughing Fit

Number 24: “Did you just sneeze?”

Number 25: Confused/Disoriented

Number 26: Forehead Kisses

Number 27: Uncooperative Patient

Number 28: “I should have stayed home”

Number 29: Side Effects/Adverse Reaction

Number 30: Patient 0

WHUMPTOBER 2023

Number 1: “But now this room is spinning while I’m trying just to fill in all the gaps.”

Number 2: “I’ll call out your name, but you won’t call back.”

Number 3: “Like crying out in empty rooms; with no-one there except the moon.”

Number 4: “I see the danger, It’s written there in your eyes.”

Number 5: “You better pray I don’t get up this time around.”

Number 6: “Do or die, you’ll never make me; Because the world will never take my heart.”

Number 7: “I paced around for hours on empty; I jumped at the slightest of sounds.”

Number 8: “I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.”

Number 9: “Learning everything ain’t what it seems, that’s the thing about these days.”

Number 10: “Can’t you see that you’re lost without me?”

Number 11: “All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.”

Number 12: “I haven’t slept in days but who’s counting?”

Number 13: “It comes and goes like the strength in your bones.”

Number 14: “Feed me poison, fill me ‘till I drown.”

Number 15: “I don’t need you to help me, I can handle things myself.”

Number 16: “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

Number 17: “You’re the lump in my throat and the knot in my chest.”

Number 18: “I tend to deflect when I’m feeling threatened.”

Number 19: “I’ll take one final step, all you have to do is make me.”

Number 20: “People don’t change people, time does.”

Number 21: “See the chains around my feet.”

Number 22: “They never saw us coming, ‘til they hit the floor.

Number 23: “It’s gonna get me by the end of the night.”

Number 24: “I’ve got a head full of chemicals; mouth full of ridicule.”

Number 25: “You’re not delivering a perfect body to the grave.”

Number 26: “Sometimes I get so tired; I don’t even know myself.”

Number 27: “You drew stars around my scars; But now I’m bleeding.”

Number 28: “We might not make it to the morning; so go on and tell me now.”

Number 29: “I only sink deeper the deeper I think.”

Number 30: “It’s okay, just to say, ‘I’m not okay’.”

Number 31: “I thought that I was getting better.”

Comfortember 2023

Safe

Sweater Weather

Leaves Changing

Warmth

Treehouse

Notes

Sick/Illness

Grief/Mourning

Aftermath

Sadness

Comfort Show/Movie

Dreams

Baking

Late Night Phone Calls

Plushies

Coffee/Tea Break

Heirloom

Cuddles

Loved Ones

Shopping

Relapse

Cry

Anxiety

Blankets

Rain

Friends

Soup

Flashbacks

Sleepover

The New Normal

[sansastarkmeta]

An early outline of AFFC written around 2003-04 by GRRM was recently shared on r/asoiaf. Read the original post here for more info.

Two entries are notes for Sansa POV chapters:

A)

SANSA DIVIDE CHAPTER – LF: CERSEI HAS OVERREACHED SHE'LL SOON BE DONE

LF of course stands for Littlefinger.

B)

SANSA ?OLD - RESOLVE TO BE SS & TAKE NORTH 1 - TOURNEY OF WINGED KNIGHT 2 - SWEETROBIN [WOOS? WEDS? unclear] 3 - NEWS FROM W.H. KILL THE MOUSE ④

SS very likely stands for Sansa Stark, and W.H. for White Harbor. The mouse of course refers to Ser Shadrich.

The people at r/asoiaf who transcribed GRRM's handwriting favor the reading 2 - Sweetrobin *woos, but *weds is also possible, as well as *wees although less likely.

The circled 4 seems to indicate the then total count of Sansa POV chapters that GRRM had already written drafts of (3) plus one he was planning on writing (already partially written).

As for what can be inferred from all this... The first note almost certainly became AFFC Alayne II. The second one seems to concern an unpublished chapter or chapters that GRRM moved to TWOW. Given it's been twenty years since he wrote this outline, this raises the question: does he still intend to follow this note? Assuming he does, there are some things we can extrapolate and speculate on:

Sansa will not lose herself into the Alayne persona, and is soon heading North to reclaim her identity and Winterfell/the region for House Stark.

The tourney of winged knights is mentioned in the TWOW Alayne I preview from 2015, so this indicates GRRM had the idea for it for at least a decade prior.

Interpretation of the line regarding Robert Arryn is dependant on the reading. If it's *woos it might refer to Robert's infatuation with Alayne, which we've seen in Sansa's last published chapter, AFFC Alayne II, and in the TWOW Alayne I preview from 2015. If it's *weds... the most straightforward reading would be that Robert marries someone, even potentially Alayne/Sansa. Considering Petyr's plans for rulership of the Vale which he reveals in AFFC Alayne II, both scenarios seem surprising.

News from White Harbor most likely refers to news of Ramsay's wedding to Arya Stark. There's no telling whether that includes the crucial detail that the bride is truthfully Jeyne Poole. Another option could be news of the mutiny at Castle Black and some kind of update on Jon, whether that's his death, his speculated resurrection or confusing reports about both and whether he was ever dead at all. Of course, the news could be a mix and match of all of this, too. Any of these options could be the catalyst for Sansa going North.

The strikethrough could indicate these ideas were either moved elsewhere or dropped entirely. Or perhaps GRRM returned to this page a second time and was denotting progress by crossing out passsages he'd since written/included in drafts?

Finally, kill the mouse either indicates that Sansa herself will kill Ser Shadrich or that his death will be featured in a Sansa POV chapter.

I admit I am not super knowledgeable when it comes to GRRM's interviews or any information outside the published novels, so if you're aware of anything that's been revealed in the past that might shed light on this outline, please share.

[sinligh]

I woke up hyperaware of every inch of my body. A bone must be missing, a tooth or two my hair feels like an extension of the pillow that i hide my dreams underneath

And my head is too heavy with the weight of everything I said i will think about later…

Childhood, adolescence, adulthood

It all overlaps sometimes, and I worry that my childhood is all I’m going to grow up to live and relive.

I worry that it’s a punishment,

Like Prometheus; that I’ll spend my nights picking at it trying to cleanse myself from all that a young version of me wasn’t strong enough to process

only to wake up and realize I’m carrying it between my ribs again.

To be pregnant with another girl that will relive my life like I’m reliving my mothers.

I’m overthinking again

Stages of life like gates to the many graveyard’s that I have built inside me.

A sanctuary

A place of residence to all the feelings i had no time to over analyze.

I digged my phone from underneath the pillow, something must be said..

A phantom of the words that are trying to escape is at hands reach..

An Aura. A migraine.

Its 04:51 am. The sun didn’t rise yet, why am I awake again?

Thoughts are fighting each other for a way out, like a newborn waiting to be called by a name, any would be fine; as long as it gets acknowledgment.

On my way to the bathroom, i stumbled upon keywords

Some that I believe i missed the night before..

When anxiety was eating another pathway for itself. A way out, out of my brain

Necrosis.

I spent the past couple of months studying all that can go wrong in a woman’s body.

Starting from puberty highlighting child bearing period and ending with menopause.

It’s all prewritten

And I get mad with rage because improvisations are treated like a sin that can never be forgiven.

I watched women bleeding incomplete lives from between their legs, that without shedding a tear.

We’re used to that, aren’t we ?

Bleeding.

And incomplete lives.

Distant dreams of motherhood bleeding classic tragedies into an ink jar

to be hand written as another passage in the wrenching history of all the fabricated religious books that swore by women.

•••

•Quotes: Blythe Baird/ Paul Guest/Molly McCully Brown/ Uma Thurman/ Sylvia Plath/ Joel Coen/ Emily Rose Cole

•Original context: Sinligh

•Art reference:

1.painting by Domenico Induno. 2. Painting by Henry Asencio. 3.painting by graham dean. 4. Art by Patricia Cronin. 5. Art by Amelie, Maison d'art. 6. Spirit Body Consciousness by Byron Tik. 7. Painting by Francesca Strino 8. Charles-August Mengin (detail)

[nordleuchten]

ALL of La Fayette’s Grandchildren

(This post discusses the death and loss of children)

While four children are still pretty easy to keep track of, La Fayette’s abundance of grandchildren can be quite confusing. You often see the following graphic, published in Jules Germain Cloquet’s book:

Jules Germain Cloquet, Recollections of the Private Life of General Lafayette, Baldwin and Cradock, London, 1835, p. 227.

All fine and dandy, but I was looking for more detailed information and I wanted to include the children that had already died by the time Cloquet publishes his book – I therefor made a graphic of my own. :-)

I am tempted to make one for the great-grandchildren as well, since La Fayette was very exited to become a Great-Grandfather – but this one was already a wild ride and La Fayette had more great-grandchildren then grand-children, let me tell you.

Anyway, some names are written in italics, these are the names the individuals commonly went by. I find it funny to see that all of Virginie’s children went by their second name, just like Virginie herself mostly just used her second name. Anastasie’s second child has an Asterix to her name. I have only once seen the name spelled out, on the certificate of baptism. The twins were baptized in Vianen (modern day Netherlands) and the name on the document was the Germanic spelling “Maria Victorina” – I used what I assumed is the best French spelling of the name.

The dates in bold indicate that the corresponding documentation of the birth/marriage/death can be found in the archives.

Anastasie and Charles: Finding Célestine’s dead twin sister was actually a surprise for me since I have never before seen her being mentioned. Anastasie gave birth for the first time in a town near Utrecht in what today are the Netherlands. The achieves there still have the certificate of baptism (on February 30, was the clerk sloppy or did the region in 1799 adhere to a different calendar style where February could have more then 29 days?) and we can very clearly see that there were too children. By May 9, 1799, La Fayette wrote to George Washington and referred to only one grand-child:

My wife, my daughters, and Son in law, join in presenting their affectionate respects to Mrs Washington & to you my dear g[ener]al the former is recovered & sets out for france on monday next with Virginia—our little grand Daughter [Célestine] is well, will your charming one accept our tender regard?

“To George Washington from Lafayette, 9 May 1799,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Washington/06-04-02-0041. [Original source: The Papers of George Washington, Retirement Series, vol. 4, 20 April 1799 – 13 December 1799, ed. W. W. Abbot. Charlottesville: University Press of Virginia, 1999, pp. 54–59.] (02/12/2024)

I suspect that Anastasie had a stillbirth around August/September of 1801. La Fayette mentioned in a letter to Thomas Jefferson on June 21, 1801:

Anastasia Will Before long Make me Once More a Grand Father

“To Thomas Jefferson from Lafayette, 21 June 1801,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-34-02-0318. [Original source: The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, vol. 34, 1 May–31 July 1801, ed. Barbara B. Oberg. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2007, pp. 403–404.] (02/12/2024)

There is no mention of this child being born and both the achieves in Paris and Courpalay yield no information so that it is unlikely that the child was born and then died young. Georges’ daughter died very young and she still is in the archives. Given La Fayette’s wording we can assume that Anastasie’s pregnancy was already somewhat advanced and the term miscarriage is only used up until the 20th week of a pregnancy, after that it is considered a stillbirth.

Georges and Emilie: The couple lost at least one daughter, Léontine Emilie, young, aged just four weeks. La Fayette wrote in a letter to Thomas Jefferson on February 20, 1807:

My family are pretty well and beg to be most affectionately respectfully and gratefully presented to you—We expected a Boy to be called after your name—But little Tommy has again proved to be a Girl [Léontine Emilie].

“To Thomas Jefferson from Marie-Joseph-Paul-Yves-Roch-Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette, 20 February 1807,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/99-01-02-5122. [This is an Early Access document from The Papers of Thomas Jefferson. It is not an authoritative final version.] (02/12/2024)

La Fayette later wrote to James Madison on June 10, 1807:

We Have Had the Misfortune to Loose a female Child of His, four Weeks old [Léontine Emilie]. My Younger daughter Virginia Has Lately presented us With an other infant of the Same Sex [Marie Pauline]. My Wife’s Health is Not Worse at this Moment, But Ever too Bad.

To James Madison from Marie-Adrienne-Françoise de Noailles, marquise de Lafayette, 10 June 1807,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Madison/99-01-02-1768. [This is an Early Access document from The Papers of James Madison. It is not an authoritative final version.] (02/12/2024)

As a sidenote because it confused me while searching for the letter; the archives list Adrienne as the author. I am certain that is wrong because a) Adrienne was not corresponding with James Madison, b) this is not her writing style but La Fayette’s, c) the letter does not have her typical signature and d) there is the passage about the authors wife’s health – this one at the least gives it away.

Identifying Léontine Emilie was actually quite a bit of luck as well. I found the letter to Madison by accident and that letter is the only source that mentions her that I know of. I have never seen her in any other letters, documentation, contemporary or secondary books. The letter helped to narrow her birthday and her date of death down and with that information I searches the archives in Paris and Courpalay in the hopes of finding the child – and I was lucky. While I of course understand the order of things, it still saddens me to see that you can be born into such a prominent family – your father was a Marquis, your grand-father was the Marquis, and still, not even your families biographers care to even mention you.

Virginie und Louis: For all I know, and I again have to say that I have not nearly as much data/correspondence as I would like with regard to these topics, Virginie never lost a child. There is always the question what La Fayette would feel comfortable telling and to whom. There is also the question if La Fayette himself was always aware of everything. For example, in the case of a miscarriage very early on in the pregnancy he might have not included it in his correspondence or in fact maybe not even known himself.

As much as would wish a happy family life for Virginie, stillbirths, infant deaths and especially miscarriages were and still are not uncommon.

I have put excerpts from a few more letters by La Fayette to his American friends under the cut that help identify his grandchildren.

La Fayette to Thomas Jefferson, June 4, 1803:

I am Here, with my Wife, Son, daughter in law, and New Born little grand daughter [Natalie Renée Émilie] taking Care of my Wounds, and Stretching My Rusted Articulations untill I can Return to my Beloved Rural Abode at La Grange.

“To Thomas Jefferson from Lafayette, 4 June 1803,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-40-02-0361. [Original source: The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, vol. 40, 4 March–10 July 1803, ed. Barbara B. Oberg. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2013, pp. 485–486.] (02/12/2024)

La Fayette to Thomas Jefferson, April 20, 1805:

Here I am with my son and daughter in law who is going to increase our family [Charlotte Mathilde]. Her father is to stand god father to the child and if He is a Boy we intend taking the liberty to give Him Your Name.

“To Thomas Jefferson from Marie-Joseph-Paul-Yves-Roch-Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette, 20 April 1805,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/99-01-02-1556. [This is an Early Access document from The Papers of Thomas Jefferson. It is not an authoritative final version.] (02/12/2024)

La Fayette to Thomas Jefferson, April 8, 1809:

(…) My Children are in Good Health. Two of them, My daughter in Law [Clémentine Adrienne], and Virginia [Françoise Mélanie] are Going to increase the family.

“To Thomas Jefferson from Marie-Joseph-Paul-Yves-Roch-Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette, 14 December 1822,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/98-01-02-3215. [This is an Early Access document from The Papers of Thomas Jefferson: Retirement Series. It is not an authoritative final version.] (02/12/2024)

[archivalofsins]

The Re-traumatization of Amane Momose Part 2

Today, we'll be continuing off from the previous post discussing Amane Momose's case.

In this post we'll be discussing points four and five.

Four being her father and home-life along with how the other prisoners are a danger to each other and Amane specifically.

Look I'm gonna level with everyone here I didn't want to write this.

Wha- Why?!

Amane's trial fucking sucked and I didn't really want to think about it that much anymore. Yet, I like Amane as a character and Milgram as a whole...

So, I can't keep avoiding talking about the things I enjoy the way I enjoy speaking about them even if I am anxious about the way I enjoy and speak about things that matter a lot to me hurting others in some way. I still owe it to myself to do what I enjoy doing regardless of how it will be received. The other reason was just legitimately you know when you start something and you have all this energy for it but then like you get super fucking sick or sidetracked then after a while you look back at it like oh that...

That also happened. Then I forgot all my points and my brief descriptions for myself were fucked to hell and not helpful. Because they worked solely on yeah I'll remember this later I'll know exactly what point I mean here when I discuss it briefly. Briefly names a color... Me presently with memory problems that are exacerbated through getting sick. Yeah I'm at a loss I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do with that.

Plus, my perspective changed because I've had more time to sit with the information. So yeah... We're dragging everyone into this now more so than I was going to before. So get ready for this doozy because this isn't just the retraumatization of Amane Momose anymore everyone's getting trauma!

Even me because I have the unique fear that by continuing to do this I will get severely sick again. Like this draft is cursed. I can feel the fatigue creeping up on me. I know it's psychosomatic but still. I'm willing to let it win.

So, let's get this over with before Haruka's birthday hopefully.

4. Amane's Father & Homelife

Over the course of Milgram Amane's father is alluded to a great deal. This aspect of her character is something shared between her, Haruka, Yuno, Futa, Mu, and Kazui. All characters who bring up their fathers to varying degrees.

Amane being on seemingly good terms with her father and proud of his character is something that directly contrasts Haruka and Futa's relationship with their fathers. This is something I believe to have been done with intent. As Futa and Amane's circumstances directly parallel the others.

Futa having an absentee mother and Amane having a father who is scarcely present due to his work. Leaving Futa and Amane to be raised by parents who would more than likely dote more on children of the other gender. Something highlighted through Haruka's narrative.

Trial 1 Written Interrogation

Q.05  What is your father like? Haruka: I made him disappointed.

Trial 2 Written Interrogation

Q.04   What’s the origin of your name? Haruka: Apparently my parents wanted a girl. It was decided on long before I was born. Q.06 What do you think of your father? Haruka: I don’t think he was particularly interested in me.

Haruka from the beginning of Milgram brings up gendered favoritism when it comes to parenting. Through subtly highlighting that his parents from the start wanted a daughter not a son. This brings up the concept of daddy girls and momma boys.

The fact that mothers tend to dote on sons more something we see Haruka's mom do a lot when he was younger then attempt to wean him off of as he ages. Because mothers tend to become more hands off as their sons grow older so they can grow into,

22/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Haruka: Mikoto-san. Um, are you ok……?

Mikoto: Ah, Haru-kun. It’s been a while since we last talked, huh. Yeah, I’m fine. Are you doing ok……?

Haruka: Ah, I’m fine. I’ve been enjoying myself, a lot. Um, I’m sorry, for avoiding you. I was a bit scared. Of you, honestly……

Mikoto: Ahhh, yeah. I’ve been lashing out whenever I go to sleep, right? ……it’s fine. Even I think you’re right to be scared. You know, I kinda just hate that I don’t even know what’s going on myself…..haha. Ah, but despite all that you still came and talked to me because it’s my birthday, right? Thank you, you’ve grown into a good man.

Instead of growing too dependent on their mothers. They start actively going you can't rely on me for everything and withholding rewards for what after a point becomes expected behavior. This is something that's not completely dependent on how old a child is as mothers can start doing this at any time or just not dote on their sons at all.

Everyone's parenting style is different a good example of this is in Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha Strikers- Also two moms be upon ye!

People will be like Legend of Korra guys Steven Universe meanwhile in 2007. They walked so other shows could run- Honestly sure yeah they did their thing. Let's stop pretending others things haven't though. By the time those shows released I'd had this for a few years- I'm sorry I'm getting off topic.

People you want good queer rep yeah and I've been having it since I was twelve I won't refuse more though.

The point of me highlighting this is two the distinct difference between these two mom's parenting styles. Which was the reason the staff included it as well. To pretty much highlight having parents will always be having parents regardless of the gender of said parents.

Nanoha is strict with Vivio thinking that if she's helped up each time she trips and falls it will be spoiling her. She wants her to be able to get up on her own even though she's young because that is what she had to do. Fate on the other hand is more sympathetic because she has a whole other home life thing going that we can't go into depth with here because it spoilers. The point is she has the character motivation to see a crying child and go oh no I need to help even if the fall wasn't that bad like Nanoha pointed out.

These are extensions of their character arcs and background personified into their parenting styles. Something that impacts how even the worst of parents tackle parenting their own kids later in life. Now that doesn't excuse anything but it's a projection of experiences onto this new life. Parents try to raise their kids for the realities that they faced even if those are no longer the realities we live in.

Simply because no one can ever know when those things will become reality again. It's not reasonable, fair, right, or justified. It just something that impacts how we treat those around us.

And the example I just gave shows it can start much younger than the age Haruka was. Sometimes you can just skip the doting step immediately if a child's environment is hostile towards them and their parents believe the child needs to be prepared that coddling will not happen. In fact there are forms of attachment in childhood that are viewed as formative from when you're a baby.

If a baby doesn't cry it has psychological implications and how parents respond to a babies crying can impact the sort of attachment the child has to the parent. Haruka is shown to have anxiety around growing close to others and fear of being abandoned/discarded.

This is possibly something rooted in his childhood as well. As the fear mirrors his relationship with his mother. Who dotted on him to start and then began moving further and further away from him as noted through his lyrics,

"Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change."

This leads into his anxiety around people changing their minds on him later. Along with serves to explain his volatile reaction to the fact that Es can change their verdict now.

One could say this aspect of Milgram is something that causes Haruka great personal distress and fear which he then displays through bursts of anger. As though being placed in such a situation is forcing him to relive the same trauma that got him into this predicament to begin with.

"Don’t leave me alone, don’t leave me- Why was I born like this? Why does it hurt so much?"

The same reasoning used to draw this conclusion on Haruka can be applied to Amane. Yet, Amane doesn't seem to have trouble with attachment though. She's a very straight forward earnest child. She's not against saying what she feels, verbalizing her needs, or stating when someone is doing something that causes her discomfort.

Her attachment style seems very secure and open.

Well not necessarily... Let's look into the information on this further and try to discern where Amane and some others may fit in the attachment styles based on what little we know about their home lives.

Firstly let's look at what NIH has to say on this matter,

There are four types of infant-parent attachment: three ‘organized’ types (secure, avoidant and resistant) and one ‘disorganized’ type (Table 1). The quality of attachment that an infant develops with a specific caregiver is largely determined by the caregiver’s response to the infant when the infant’s attachment system is ‘activated’ (eg, when the infant’s feelings of safety and security are threatened, such as when he/she is ill, physically hurt or emotionally upset; particularly, frightened). Beginning at approximately six months of age, infants come to anticipate specific caregivers’ responses to their distress and shape their own behaviours accordingly (eg, developing strategies for dealing with distress when in the presence of that caregiver) based on daily interactions with their specific caregivers (7–9). Three major patterns of responses to distress have been identified in infants, which lead to three specific ‘organized’ attachment patterns.

Above is a list of the quality of caregiving implemented and the types of attachment they form.

Sensitive Loving quality of care leads to organized secure attachment.

Insensitive rejecting quality of care leads to organized insecure-avoidant attachment.

Insensitive inconsistent care leads to organized insecure-resistant attachment.

Atypical Atypical care leads to disorganized insecure-disorganized attachment.

Infants whose caregivers consistently respond to distress in sensitive or ‘loving’ ways, such as picking the infant up promptly and reassuring the infant, feel secure in their knowledge that they can freely express negative emotion which will elicit comforting from the caregiver (9). Their strategy for dealing with distress is ‘organized’ and ‘secure’. They seek proximity to and maintain contact with the caregiver until they feel safe.

Just benefits from her parents.

Q.03 What are your parents like? Mu: Kind, cool and beautiful. I’m proud of both my Mama and Papa.

Q.11 Who do you want to see right now? Mu: I miss my friends too- But most of all, Papa and Mama.

Mu displays Organized Secure Attachment.

This is displayed through how she recognizes that if she cries someone will help her.

Along with her Japanese lyrics in It's Not My Fault being able to be directly translated (as many brought up during the songs release) to her acknowledging or pointing out the fact that she is an individual deserving of pity and concern from others. That she has always been an individual deserving of this care, special attention, and prioritization. along with stating that this will never change and it has always been this way.

"I told you I’m queen, and it will never be changed I’ve got EVERYTHING, everything is as I wish."

Mu recognizes that if her story is sad enough and she appears pitiful enough someone will want to save/help her.

This is also highlighted in her first song through the line,

"I don’t want tomorrow to come, I want to forget yesterday I was miserable, someone please help me."

Asking for help, displaying negative emotions, or voicing your issues to others is a sign of secure attachment and faith in the fact that if you voice these things you will receive help instead of being ignored or scorned outright.

Mu also displays she is innately unfamiliar with and irrationally upset by being ignored or overlooked. To an inconsolable extent at times. Being ignored by those she cares for or is interested in is not something she handles well. Because it is not something she has been put through often.

Mu's accustomed to having her needs meet and expects those around her to meet them.

"Hey..why don't you listen to me...? I'm telling you... Hey...HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

22/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: What’s wrong, Haruka-kun? Did something happen? You shouldn’t look away like that when you’re together with me.

Haruka: Ah, s-sorry, Mu-san. Um…… No, it’s nothing. I just, suddenly got a feeling. That something is about to happen.

Mu: Isn’t that because it’s your birthday? Or perhaps it’s a sign the guard is about to wake up again soon? Fufufu, I bet they’ll be really surprised at a lot of things.

Haruka: That, might be true. But, I want the the guard to see. ……the new, me…….

22/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday)

Mu: Hey~~~ Isn’t everyone a bit gloomy lately? I get that this situation isn’t ideal, but you’re really bringing down the mood for my birthday.

Yuno: Haha, surely even you can tell now’s not really the time for something like that right. Nobody’s really in the mood, or rather nobody has time time to deal with something like that.

Mu: Boo, how boring. You seem to be free, you can celebrate for me. Go on, celebrate.

Yuno: Wow, what a pain. I’m reading the atmosphere properly and keeping quiet. Well, you just go and have fun with Haruka. In the corner somewhere so you’re out of everyone’s way.

21/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday)

Mu: Yuno. Don’t you have something to say to me?

Yuno: Huh? To you? Me? ……ahh, uh? Your birthday, right? Happy birthday~

Mu: How mean… Since it’s my birthday, I really wish you’d said something before I had to come and tell you myself.

Yuno: Right, right, I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful in future~ Later! Haha… things have become even more of a bother… ……so was that Mu-chan’s real personality, then? It’s probably because the guard did something, right?

One of the reasons that Mu is so comfortable with putting expectations like these not only on people she hasn't gotten to know that well yet but complete strangers (in the case of her asking the audience for help through the lyrics of After Pain) is because she's secure in the fact that she will receive it. Not only that but she believes it is only right for her to receive it.

Something she blatantly states later in It's Not My Fault if going by the more direct translations provided on wikipedia,

"It’s not my fault after all, after all! Everyone wants me to be innocent. What a relief. Can’t be helped. Since I’m always meant to be pitied-"

Beautiful day to make people uncomfortable with telling creators what the fuck they actually meant when they made something. Just a wonderful day to do that. It really is fantastic when I can use something that annoyed the hell out of me in the past to support a point now.

We've gone full circle I'm really reflecting on all of my experiences with Milgram thus far. So much has changed. Like the official lyrics of Undercover but not the ones for It's Not My Faults though. The more things change as they say... Seriously though they official translation for It's not My Fault does have grammatical errors that should be changed but it still gets the point across fine.

Here are the other lyrics in comparison.

"Because it’s not my fault I am innocent as everybody desires. I am relieved, I am always the drama queen."

These lyrics don't illustrate the point I'm making as well as the widely accepted more "accurate translation "according to others above. Except they still do support it.

Because the official translation plays on Mu's outward insecurities when she's first brought into Milgram. Along with how she's grown past those anxieties after being found innocent but is thrown back into them when Es brings up how and why they might change her verdict.

It reflects how she wants to believe she did nothing wrong and it isn't fully on her. Along with the genuine relief she feels at a majority of the audience recognizing that. To the point she again exaggerates saying everyone wanted her innocent,

"I am innocent as everybody desires."

Which couldn't be further from the truth.

While also continuing to poke fun at her own insecurities or shortcomings. Like how she's prone to being overdramatic and blowing things up into a bigger deal in her head than they actually are.

Again like saying everyone wanted her innocent which AGAIN-

No that's so far from everyone that you were closer to getting a 50/50 than Haruka was by the end of trial two. Girl that's not everyone it's barely over half.

Yet this habit of hers is something that has been repeatedly pointed out from the start of Milgram.

As this is also highlighted on the board berating Mu in After Pain. Which not only states that she just benefits from her parents but other mocking phrases that highlights she how she takes things further than they need to go such as,

“It hurts~ (cry)”  "Cries at everything" "I did nothing wrong (crying imagery) ←huh?!" "Class 1-A “Trash”noki Mu-chan" (Potential double meaning, since on top of the word “guzu” being used to call someone trash, “guzuguzu” can also mean complaining.)

Her description on the Milgram website continues to highlight this habit of hers to cry at even the simplest of inconveniences as do the Minigrams too,

What follows is a rough rewording of what's in the image.

A beautiful prisoner with an appearance clearly uncommon for a Japanese woman. Despite her slim appearance, she’s the type to speak her mind clearly and rebels against the abnormal situation that is Milgram. At first, she is very wary of Es. Her every move suggests that she had a proper upbringing, most likely being born into a wealthy family. Perhaps it’s due to this that she has a high sense of pride and why when she clashes with others she quickly becomes tearful and complains.

Furthermore one of the things that showcases that Mu has a good relationship with her parents plainly is her own words. She has nothing but good things to say about her parents and implies she misses them greatly. The first thing she does in her interrogation a hostile environment is cry for several minutes than flat out say she wants her parents.

She even states in her written interrogation that she wants to find a man like her father,

Q.05 What do you like in the opposite sex?

Mu: Someone like Papa.

The strategy is said to be ‘organized’ because the child ‘knows’ exactly what to do with a sensitively responsive caregiver, ie, approach the caregiver when distressed.

God gave me everything, everything is as I wish.

And as Star pointed out her favorite place is also just her mothers hometown.

Q.07 What is your favourite place? Mu: Mama’s hometown of Nice. The sea there is beautiful.

A statement that not only implies her being on good terms with her mom simply due to her going out of the way to take Mu to her hometown. But also through her birthday art which has more ties to France and her mother,

Displaying full an well that she does take a certain amount off pride in her lineage and both of her parents. Yet she doesn't have some grand fixation on them they're just her parents. She has a life outside of them. She is the one being parented not the one doing the parenting-

Amane Trial 2 Written Interrogation

Q.10 What was your father’s job? Amane: After a lot of hard work, he became a lecturer. I think it’s something to be proud of. Q.19 Is there anything you wished you parents did for you? Amane: My mother should have kept her faith until the end.

Mikoto Trial 1 Written Interrogation

Q.01 Tell us your family structure. Mikoto: My mother, me, and my younger sister. My sister’s a blossoming high school student. Q.16 What’s your relationship like with your parents? Mikoto: My parents are divorced. I get along well with my mother though, she’s the one who raised me. I don’t want to make her worry.

Mikoto's Written Interrogation Trial 2

Q.01 Do you have a good relationship with your little sister? Mikoto: Absolutely I want to show her how her big bro is working hard in the big city. Q.04 What was the cause of your parents' divorce? Mikoto: He chose work over family. But well, at least that's what my mom told me, so who knows!

Mikoto actively shows insecurity and distrust in his mothers word. Displaying on paper for others to see that she isn't a trustworthy person and prone to exaggerate or embellish to get her point across. Making him uncertain about what the actual truth behind his parents divorce ways because and I quote,

"My mom told me, so who knows!"

On top of that he states she's prone to worrying and she's shown calling him within the same music video he is shown to be getting repetitive harassing and emotionally distressing calls and texts. To the point of wanting to throw away his phone all together.

I also think it's telling that his break down on the train is framed to have happened exactly after his phone call with his mother. As we see him talking on the phone to her directly in front of the same bright window he breaks down in front of earlier.

And when put together the scenes look like they happened in succession as though he hung up and immediately started having a break down. Yet, you know that's just my perspective the perspective of a person with mom issues that have thankfully worked out after repeated trial and error. So I could just be projecting I'm not above it.

I know full and well though that the last thing I'd need after a bad day is being emotionally manipulated into feeling like a failure because I,

A. Haven't visited home in a while.

And

B. I haven't called in much longer.

Because all I have time for is work and sleep. Work-life balance isn't a see-saw it's a noose and I'm hanging hoping the thread breaks.

I'm getting folded by the workforce like laundry that was left to form mildew in the wash, not put on for another rinse and instead just slapped against a wall then hung up to dry. Because we don't got time anymore this is what we have and it reeks but we carry on.

We stay grinding- Get back to work!

Getting the old you failed at your job and home life one-two uppercut ey? Sucks to be you bud but you're holding the record for the worst day speedrun one phone call after another it never stops.

Yuno Written Interrogation Trial 1

Q.07 Tell us your family structure. Yuno: Grandpa, grandma, mum, me, younger brother←Yura Q.19  Who do you want to see right now? Yuno: Hmm. My family, I guess.

Image 1 MINIGRAM EP6 "Cat's Cradle"

[6-1] Yuno: My special move Yuno: Tokyo Tower! Yuno: No reaction?? Sob... Amane: I'm not very familiar with this Yuno: My younger brothers went crazy over this Amane: You're very skillful Kya kya Futa: .....

Image 2: MINIGRAM EP28 "2nd Grade Syndrome"

[28-2] Kazui: Wow.. you're really good...? Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat Yuno: Ahh Yuno: I used to play with my little brothers, so a little.. Kazui: I can't see what you're doing with your hands.. Yuno: My brothers favorites are much bigger tricks Suu.. Kazui: Even bigger tricks?!

Yuno's Written Interrogation Trial 2

Q.06 What do you think of your father? Yuno: Didn’t you ask about my family structure before? I don’t have one, remember? Q.07 You just got given one million yen and need to use it up as quickly as possible, what will you do? Yuno: I’ll go out for a really nice meal together with my family. The rest I’ll give to my friends. Q.15 If you could have one wish granted, what would it be? Yuno: I don’t really have anything. I’m fine as long as my friends and family are happy.

Yuno takes on a caretaker role when it comes to her friends and family. Focusing solely on providing for them when given a large sum of money and saying she's fine as long they're happy. Following the trend of displaying care and paternal affection/consideration towards loved ones. With the same amount of focus on her younger sibling as Mikoto has.

Amane is also referred to as a big sister at the end of Magic. Tying the three together as older siblings who provide care to others in some way. However, Amane admits in her first interrogation that she is in fact an only child.

Q.09 Tell us your family structure.

Amane: It was my father, my mother and me.

She honestly speaks in past tense knowing full and well at this point her mother is dead while her father to her admission in the same interrogation has yet to return,

Q.02  Who do you look up to? Amane: My father. He’s been away on a trip for a while, but I think that’s very honourable of him. Q.13 Who do you want to see right now? Amane: My father. I want him to praise me for all my hard work.

This leaves two possibilities for why Amane refers to herself as big sister in Magic,

A. She may have been put in the foster care system after the death of her mom.

Or

B. She's referring to herself as big sister for religious reasons. i.e to imply seniority to the individuals just learning about her beliefs. Similar to how Mahiru refers to herself as big sister to both Es and Amane.

It could be both of these things as well.

Since Amane admits in both her voice dramas that she wants to spread her beliefs and practices to others. Highlighting her willingness to use Milgram to accomplish this goal. Not just through her the music videos or Milgram's validation if she were voted innocent but through the individuals the prison has given her access to if the opportunity arises.

This also plays into Yuno's comfort in asking Amane for advice on her birthday.

Because if those same things were discussed with her when she was Amane's age than Yuno wouldn't find confiding in someone that age about things like that inappropriate. Because on some level be it conscious or subconscious Yuno would recognize that Amane is a child similar to how she was.

Yuno's First Voice Drama

Yuno: Hmm, it's surprisingly fun? I do have worries about how my family is doing, but… It's kinda like one of those strange, personal experiences.

Es: Fun…is it?

Yuno: That's right. The other prisoners are all entertaining, we sound each other out on various things, and the vibe's pretty nice as well. In such conditions, observing other people sure does make for great fun, you feel?

23/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Amane: What is it…… Kashiki Yuno. Don’t sit so close to me. Go away.

Yuno: Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing. But Mahiru-san’s finally managed to get to sleep. Humour me with some small talk while I take a break. By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that.

Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences, and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear.

Yuno: Hmm. Ok. ……happy birthday, then. It’s good that you were brought into the world, I guess.

Yuno Trial Two Voice Drama

Es: It did appear as though you were having fun.

Yuno: Yes, it was fun! They may be murderers, but they're interesting people! It puts me at ease, in a way, that we're all people lacking in something.

In the same vein Mikoto would be more uncomfortable with talking to Amane like an adult given his own discomfort with his mother's possible behavior when he was coming up. So, he would try to avoid doing it and focus more on treating her like someone her age but not demeaning her.

This is displayed in how he deals with both Amane and Futa through the portal timeline and in minigrams. Mostly the ways he restricts himself from confiding in them fully,

21/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Mikoto: ……ah, Futa? What’s up? Did you come to celebrate my birthday?

Futa: Hah!? Like I care about your birthday. ……what’s up with you, though, you’re usually a lot more excited. I thought you were the sort of idiot who’d make a big deal over your birthday.

Mikoto: Yeah, usually that’d be the case. ……I think I must be getting tired. It’s like I’m anxious over something but I can’t really explain what it is…… Like, the feeling that I’ve been totally wrong about something. Haha, but it’s not like talking to you about it is gonna do anything.

Futa: Yeah, yeah, just like you say. Talking to me about it isn’t gonna help. ……but, it’s not like I don’t get what you’re saying. Or rather, I understand exactly what you mean. And if it’s the same thing as I’ve been feeling, then it will just get stronger as time goes on......probably. But anyway, rather than talking to someone like me you should go and bother the others. Go and get showered with their stupid birthday wishes.

20/07/15

Amane: Eh, my studies? I enjoy it. To me, studying is something I do for fun. Do you not think the same, Mikoto-san?

Mikoto: Not at all! It’s just a means to an end…… I just did the bare minimum needed to get into a good company. I actually went to an arts uni that had a pretty low subject requirement to enrol, and from there I studied curation and…… uhh, you don’t really know what that is huh. Hmm. Since your way of speaking is so mature, I keep forgetting I need to explain myself properly……

Amane: It’s fine. If there are any words I don’t understand I can look them up later. An arts university, though…… Does that mean you’re good at drawing, then? It may be a bit rude to say, but that’s rather unexpected.

Mikoto: No, not really…? I mean, I could do the bare minimum needed to pass the entrance exam though. Even though it’s called an arts uni, there’s still subjects where you don’t need to draw at all. I’m the sort of person who tries to be efficient, so I worked backwards from the job I wanted to get into and chose to study subjects like direction and management~ ……ah, I’ve done it again……

20/06/15

Mikoto: Hey, it’s kinda a bother having you be so angry and tense all the time. You should stop trying get everyone to pay attention to you.

You’re a uni student, right? You can’t act like that once you start working properly.

Futa: Huh!? Shut up. Not like I care what you say. Even though we’re in this shitty situation, you’re just chatting away, it’s stupid. Aren’t you the one who’s acting out of place here? ……also the fact you give everyone nicknames is just gross.

Mikoto: *sigh* It’s more stupid to be taking this all so seriously. I mean, it’s definitely just a reality TV program. There’s no way a real prison exists that’s this lax. Also, I don’t give nicknames to everyone.

I don’t give them to young kids like Amane, or to the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san. I mean, I’m not giving you one, right?

Futa: ……oi, which group are you trying to say I am?

Mikoto tends to take this approach with most people younger than him. More associating himself with the older adults in Milgram but distancing himself when stressed or upset from everyone. Just like Yuno and Amane are shown to do as well.

Infants whose caregivers consistently respond to distress in insensitive or ‘rejecting’ ways, such as ignoring, ridiculing or becoming annoyed, develop a strategy for dealing with distress that is also ‘organized’, in that they avoid their caregiver when distressed and minimize displays of negative emotion in the presence of the caregiver. 

Yuno interestingly enough, has a worse attachment style than Kazui. Her attachment style is more around Mikoto, Amane and Haruka's. Unlike Mahiru (who's attachment is more akin to Mu's), to use as an example, Yuno isn't as willing to voluntarily display negative emotions,

Nor does she often actively seek out her emotional needs being fulfilled by an outside party.

Instead, she focuses on how she can earn those needs being met from others (i.e. what kind of girls do you like? I know you'll respond this way if I do x). Furthermore, she shows discomfort at the idea of being pitied or pointing out her life may not be an ideal one.

Which, as you may be able to tell, is similar to Amane. This is indicative on unhealthy or disordered ways to cope with unsatisfactory circumstances.

Yuno is also conflict avoidant similarly to Mikoto, showcased by how her interactions with Mu within the portal timeline progress over the course of the trials. Instead of telling Mu the issues she has with her the moment she notices them, she opts to avoid her instead. Or if she really must deal with her simply placate her in the moment or give her a distraction.

Hoping Mu will eventually read the room and get the hint like she would be expected to. This leads to Yuno allowing Mu to do whatever she wants, even if it's clearly bothering her. Because Yuno is subconsciously expecting Mu to do what she herself would do intuit that her behavior is a nuisance to the people in Milgram, especially with how circumstances escalate between trial one and two.

Theoretically, this would indicate that Yuno was left to figure out her own problems or ignored as a baby. Which would make her less comfortable asking for or offering help overall. As she would not have the foundational knowledge for that to be something she leans into.

The strategy is said to be ‘organized’ because the child ‘knows’ exactly what to do with a rejecting caregiver, ie, to avoid the caregiver in times of need. This avoidant strategy is also ‘insecure’ because it increases the risk for developing adjustment problems. 

Yuno starts to avoid people when showered with concern or sympathy because it distresses her closing herself off simply because it's something she isn't used to. Just like being ignored isn't something Mu is used to. Meanwhile Amane and Mikoto isolate themselves and withdraw when faced with scrutiny, negative reinforcement, judgement, stress of any kind.

Infants whose caregivers respond in inconsistent, unpredictable and/or ‘involving’ ways, such as expecting the infant to worry about the caregiver’s own needs or by amplifying the infant’s distress and being overwhelmed, also use an ‘organized’ strategy for dealing with distress; they display extreme negative emotion to draw the attention of their inconsistently responsive caregiver.

Q.02 Do you think you were loved?

Amane: Extremely, deeply.

"She’s the one who raised me I don’t want to make her worry." - "Yeah… well, I mean, some days are hard, but… I’m doing alright, don’t worry."

"But it's not scary at all, because it's love."

"It’s like what’s wrong isn’t wrong."

So I will NEVER forgive you if this is happening to me even though I’m right. - So nary a sound can be uttered a second time, I’ll crush your throat too!

Is it ok to spoil myself? - Is this selfish? This isn’t too much is it?

The strategy is said to be ‘organized’ because the child ‘knows’ exactly what to do with an inconsistently responsive caregiver, ie, exaggerate displays of distress and angry, resistant responses, ‘hoping’ that the marked distress response cannot possibly be missed by the inconsistently responsive caregiver. 

22/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Kazui: What’s up, Shidou-kun? You’re looking pretty down. I guess you must be tired, I’ve been relying on you a lot lately.

Shidou: Yeah, I just remembered…… today is Amane’s birthday.

I’m just getting a bit sentimental.

Kazui: Hmm, it’s unfortunate, but at the moment we can’t worry about that. ……you understand, right? There’s something that you need to do right now. And if you tried talking to her your words definitely won’t reach her. Don’t look at me like that. We’ll just wait until the situation changes. Let’s do our best.

Shidou: Yeah. I’ll do what I can. I can’t have a child making a face like that. Even though we’re “murderers”…… we’re also the adults here.

Q.07 Are there any prisoners you get along with?

Shidou: Kayano-kun has become like that, and I can’t spend my time smoking at the moment. So, the smoking trio has disbanded, which is a bit lonely.

However, this resistant strategy is also ‘insecure’ because it is associated with an increase in the risk for developing social and emotional maladjustment.

However, Mikoto and Amane could also fall under Disorganized Attachment,

Approximately 15% of infants in low psychosocial risk and as many as 82% of those in high-risk situations do not use any of the three organized strategies for dealing with stress and negative emotion. These children have disorganized attachment. One recently identified pathway to children’s disorganized attachment includes children’s exposure to specific forms of distorted parenting and unusual caregiver behaviours that are ‘atypical’. Atypical caregiver behaviours, also referred to as “frightening, frightened, dissociated, sexualized or otherwise atypical”, are aberrant behaviours displayed by caregivers during interactions with their children that are not limited to when the child is distressed. There is evidence to suggest that caregivers who display atypical behaviours often have a history of unresolved mourning or unresolved emotional, physical or sexual trauma, or are otherwise traumatized (eg, post-traumatic stress disorder or the traumatized victim of domestic violence)

As there ways of displaying attachment are not entirely consistent with any of the other three. Plus they have both been confirmed or heavily implied to have dissociative disorders which have been tied to disorganized attachment,

Of the four patterns of attachment (secure, avoidant, resistant and disorganized), disorganized attachment in infancy and early childhood is recognized as a powerful predictor for serious psychopathology and maladjustment in children. Children with disorganized attachment are more vulnerable to stress, have problems with regulation and control of negative emotions, display oppositional, hostile, aggressive behaviours and coercive styles of interaction. Disorganized attachment is over-represented in groups of children with clinical problems and those who are victims of maltreatment (eg, nearly 80% of maltreated infants have disorganized attachment). The combination of disorganization and a parental rating of a difficult temperament is a potent predictor of aggressive behaviour in children at five years of age. In addition, disorganized attachment in infancy has been linked to internalizing and externalizing problems in the early school years, poor peer interactions and unusual or bizarre behaviour in the classroom, and higher teacher ratings of dissociative behaviour and internalizing symptoms in middle childhood. Concurrent disorganized/controlling behaviour rated in the preschool and early school years related to oppositional defiant disorders in boys, parent-rated externalizing and internalizing problems, and high levels of teacher-rated social and behavioural difficulties in class. Children classified as disorganized with their primary caregiver at ages five to seven years have lower mathematics attainment at eight years of age.

These academic problems appear to be mediated through effects on self-esteem and confidence in the academic setting. Children with disorganized attachment have low self-esteem, and at nine years of age are more often rejected by peers. Adolescents who had disorganized attachment with their primary caregiver during infancy have higher levels of overall psychopathology at 17 years of age, and those classified as disorganized at five to seven years of age exhibit impaired formal operational skills and self-regulation at 17 years of age. Finally, children with disorganized attachment are vulnerable to altered states of mind, such as dissociation in young adulthood. 

Now that we've gotten possibly attachment styles out of the way let's talk about one of the other parents who would instill those attachment styles, Amane’s father!

He’s noticeably absent from Purge March. It’s stated on one of the documents seen behind Amane that he’s currently absent because he is out doing missionary work. However, we already know how her father is doing with spreading the word of their church as he's shown in Magic.

This is because her father is represented by Yuri throughout her first MV. 

We know this is a stand in for her father for a few reasons.

One, in Magic when the lines,

“I won’t say, “I’ve had enough.” Will you laugh with me and forgive me?”

Are sung we see this image,

Q.09 Tell us your family structure.

Amane: It was my father, my mother and me.

“I hope, I hope everyone can be happy and smile forever. Forever together would be a dream.”

All she did was dream (about having a better family guys). Just like Kazui,

"I realize the futility, but I still can’t help but dream."

And Mikoto- Sorry getting sidetracked. You all voted that poor girl guilty just because she dreamed of having kinder parents. Haha- I'm fucking with you I'm sorry I know that's not why anybody did that shit that was hyperbole I don't need anyone taking that out of context. I'm really just fucking around because I haven't written in a minute and I'm having fun.

Oh, my god could you imagine if I really thought it was that,

"Let’s keep it simple."

Kazui would be having a ball until the last shoe dropped that's for sure. God I hope he's having a ball because the curtain will be rising one last time eventually.

Until then let's keep swinging to the music.

We also see within the scene with Amane, Riyone, and Yuri that the other two mascots are no longer present. It's just the three of them. Something Star and I previously pointed out was odd since Gachata and Gozake were there the scene prior to this one and return for the credits.

However, as they are representative of Amane’s mothers (Riyone’s) punishment methods it makes sense for them to be gone in this scene.

Because, within a perfect dream world for Amane her mother would be just that her mother. A caretaker who she can have fun around and someone who will take care of her when she's hurt or forgive her when she messes up hence the line,

"Will you laugh with me and forgive me?"

However, the end of Magic shows us that all of that is clearly just a dream. A fantasy of how things could have been that ultimately gets broken down by the reality of the situation until the credits roll and there's nothing really left but to face reality.

Because the shows over and when it ends it's back to real life.

Leaving us with this one snippet of Amane's reality in Magic at the very end of it,

Right before the Milgram credits roll.

Which is honestly the most subtle lead in to the very on the nose display of dissociation we get after and is a scene that goes wildly overlooked. Like do a full watch through of Milgram trial one all together and see Magic and MeMe back to back and you'll see just how well one leads into the other.

One ending on this distorted tv like effect the screen in front of the character reflected in their eyes straight into the tv footage of MeMe. Like that was planning and intent right there. That's only more appreciated in hindsight.

Milgram fans will be like I dissociate to media and then vote the one character who's canonically shown doing that from jump first guilty because she's religious. Mikoto did that shit second. Oh man coming back with self callouts too this will certainly be a day. I didn't appreciate it when I should have. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes.

I'm sorry can you laugh and forgive me. (Amane begins crushing my throat). Look I was born and raised in the cult happy midwest of the USA and don't trust people who advertise they're trying to spread any good word actually ever regardless of what the religion is. I just don't trust like that. Because again when cults and gangs are a prominent issue within your area you're kind of raised not to.

As said earlier, Amane's father is hardly there.

However, Amane's mother may be using his absence to use him as a tool to make Amane more obedient. Or, a better way of phrasing it, more willing to listen to her specific version of their religion. This would offer an explanation as to why there is a picture of him on the back of their front door. It would make it all the more easier for Amane's mother to point at it, citing that she's not acting in accordance to his teachings, or that what she wants Amane to do does. Also explaining why Amane says that she wants her father to praise her in one of her interrogation questions.

Q.13 Who do you want to see right now?

Amane: My father. I want him to praise me for all my hard work.

It explains the discrepancy of her father's presence in Magic when Amane is found helping the cat vs his absence in Purge March.

Since we know in reality that Amane's father was present for any of this but her mom was told after. Yet Yuri is still shown disappointed in the background and Amane has stated one of the goals of her actions was making her father proud. Couple with lines such as,

"I’ve made up my mind so they don’t make that face at me again."

Along with the fact that all of the other mascots faces within Magic are blank and Yuri is the only one visibly disappointed or upset by Amane's behavior. It's pretty likely that this is a case of separate parenting styles and their impacts on Amane being displayed through her songs.

Something Amane brings to the forefront during her first voice drama as she states that her parents would have lectured her for another hour if she were late to such an appointment. Giving the impression that when her parents were both involved in reprimanding her the punishments were a lot less severe.

While making it seem like her father was more prone to voicing disappointment in her not through physical scolding- Something the mascot Yuri is shown to dislike doing but verbally.

Re-contextualizing Amane's repeated lyrics of,

"I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!"

As a promise she's making to her dad after having it explained to her why her behavior was wrong or inappropriate. Something that would also give a different meaning to the right answer, wrong answer animation that happens near the beginning of Magic.

Yuri is also the only one of the mascots to not have the cults double cloud symbol on their body. It's only on the collections box he carries. Denoting that her father may not follow the same beliefs as her mom or at least not as strictly.

Then as I brought up before Yuri is the only one to show hesitance when physically punishing Amane. He even appears visibly upset when made to do so. In contrast every other mascot that is used to represent her mother or her mother’s forms of punishment is shown to either be indifferent, disappointed or at peace with delivering these punishments.

I also find it telling that all these punishments are delivered in separate closed off spaces without the others being visibly present when they are cycled through.

Yet, the one time that Yuri is present for a punishment it is the lightest one Amane receives. More than likely representing how her mother knows her behavior is out of line and she does not behave this way when her father is present due to understanding that.

Something already implied through the scenes described and shown above and how they are separated from each other when the harsher punishments occur. Furthermore, despite the punishment being lighter Amane still braces herself expecting her mother’s punishment to be the same as it is when her father is not around.

Then to add onto this instead of looking at Amane Gatchata is instead looking over at Yuri’s to gauge their reaction. Their left pupil being slightly higher than where it would need to be to look at Amane.

Those are all of the reasons I believe Yuri to be a standin for Amane's father.

Now, by this point many have noted that the purple in Amane's eyes is a color unaffiliated with the cult. However, the color is not unaffiliated with Amane or her behavior within this cult environment.

In fact, we see the same color in Magic,

in conjunction with orange.

These colours seem to represent ideals that have been instilled within Amane. Orange being from her father and purple being from the school she attended. These ideals conflict with her mother's teachings, so would lead to long term conflicts between Amane and her mother. As talked about above and within the previous posts, her mother's and father's teachings don't fully align.

Amane is also alluded to watch a tv program which prominently features a character called a "Healthy Tomboy".

As you can see, this character (as depicted in Magic) has band-aids for ears. Implying that one of the reoccurring themes of the show is to teach how to provide light medical aid to those that may need it (for example... maybe tying a handkerchief around a cut to prevent infection and further bleeding?).

This plays into Shidou asking Amane to help him when she confronts him on his behavior,

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday) Amane: ……Kirisaki Shidou. How long do you plan on continuing this foolish behaviour? Shidou: I wonder what you might be referring to there. I’m just doing what I need to do. If anything, I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand. Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand? Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

There is also just the matter of what she would learn at school, such as things like science and biology. Incidentally, kids being taught things like this at school is why in the states, deeply religious families choose to home school their children instead of allowing them to go to a public school. As it gives them a larger degree of control of what exactly their kids learn and internalize. However, this is something that is not allowed in Japan, thus not an option either of Amane's parents are able to choose.

( Star here! Learning about science and biology would highlight how you could help with preventable issues and how leaving said issues to fester could make things worse for the person experiencing them. This would probably stick with Amane, as a long standing trait that we've seen her have is compassion.

Furthermore, this would be exasperated both by the fact that Amane's father doesn't seem to stay at home very often and the implication that she was very much favoured by him when he was around. This might have led to Amane's mother not only taking out her upset at the disconnect between her and her daughter but also a twisted envy/frustration at Amane taking her husband's attention. Which, I need to specify, isn't a good reason to abuse a child but it does add context.)

5. The Threat All the Prisoners Pose

Now we're going to speed through this one by one. Because there are a lot of threats the prisoners pose and also I'm on a deadline because Haruka's birthday is today!

So to make this easier on myself let's talk about the risk of each prisoner alongside how much of a threat Haruka can be considered to them based on his own admission.

Since he states with not much prompting that he can kill anything smaller than him.

"...You're. You're so mean... I, I-I can kill anything that's smaller than me, you know!"

Before attempting to attack Es. Which people loved to forget during his trial but Amane with those scissors am I right? Like I know she's Innocent and he's guilty but like in hindsight... I really didn't see this aspect of his case being discussed or highlighted as much.

Especially when it came to arguing for him being guilty where this information would be the most helpful for pushing the idea that he should have been. Honestly I wasn't making that argument myself I was in favor of a 50/50 or innocent again because clearly people changing their opinion of him is very triggering to him.

Yet I wasn't that involved with the fandom back then. I was more just starting and this blog didn't even exist yet. So maybe others did argue that and I didn't see it.

However, most of the arguments in favor of him being guilty were more focused on either his safety or Mu's. Something I wouldn't point out so heavily if the same thing didn't happen with Mikoto as well. Where a lot of people conveniently forgot he spent his first voice drama wringing Es out like a wet rag and slapping 'em against pavement.

Haruka is 174cm or 5"7. Meaning by his own admission he is a threat to whatever is beneath that height.

Jackalope: 80cm

Threat Level: COULD BE KILLED BY HARUKA

Jackalope is a tiny animal we see Haruka kill many throughout his songs. Chances are since we haven't gotten an end of trial commencement notice he may be dead. Would that be fucked up or what. However, Jackalope states in es' voices drama that the prisoners cannot attack administrators. Something that Jackalope himself is. So put away the cake, the party poppers, and balloons. Jackalope is either being lazy or watching the messiest shit imaginable and laughing his as off.

He's not going anywhere anytime soon unless- Mikoto can attack administrators let's hope he doesn't get a taste for rabbit. Amane and Jackalope seem to be accomplices so if Haruka did successfully attack Jackalope that would explain why in his headphone lines he's apologizing to Amane. Because he would be well aware she liked Jackalope by this point.

But it's not very likely because the barrier did stop Haruka from attacking Es in his second voice drama. So, it would more than likely serve the same function for Jackalope.

Es: 157cm

Threat Level: MENACE PRISON GUARD (YOU CAN'T KILL ME STUPID)

Literally states in Haruka's second voice drama despite spending most of Mikoto's first one getting spun like a hula-hoop that Haruka can't kill them due to the barrier that had already failed once. So, Es lucky it worked this time and they were in fact correct. Mikoto could still in fact jump Es. Because he is unrestrained to Jackalope's admission and the verdict he received did nothing to change that fact.

So, we just have to trust he won't do anything wrong which definitely worked with the prisoner he's paired with first trial. But I'm fine with wrong being done in the right direction and sometimes that's all you can really hope for on this bitch of an earth. I'm not responsible for what this dude does with his freedom anyhow.

Yuno: 156cm- 5"1

THREAT LEVEL: COULD BE KILLED BY HARU-HM UH MAYBE NOT...?

It's highlighted in Yuno's first voice drama that her attitude would not change even if Es was a large individual using violence against her.

Yuno: Isn’t it odd? Even though you’re a prison guard, you’re about my age, aren’t you? Or even a little younger?

Don’t care.

Yuno: Look, look. It’s impossible, isn’t it? To break out in a cold sweat over a face that cute.

Huh?

Yuno: [giggles] Even if you furrow your brows like that, it’s not gonna happen.

Frustrating and disagreeable beyond belief! Not to mention, I can counter your point.

Yuno: Oh, oh. Let’s hear it then?

If I were a strong man, who tried to control you with violence, I don’t think your attitude would change even then.

Yuno: Hm. Sure. Sounds about right.

Right? It’s… your very own temperament which is the problem! Therefore, this has nothing to do with my appearance. Absolutely nothing to do with it!

Yuno: Getting super worked up over it, aren’t you? Well, that’s okay. So, that concludes the first round!

Something she fully states is just about right. Not denying the assumption at all.

So, if Haruka can kill anything smaller than him then Yuno might just be able to kill anything larger than her. I'm interested to see Haruka try but like in the same way I'm interested in seeing a stoat fight a rabbit I know the stoats going to win. I'd be more surprised if it didn't.

I would not recommend anyone other than Kazui, Mahiru, or Mikoto fight Yuno. Even then it'd be tentatively like only if you have to but maybe just fucking avoid doing that.

Not making Yuno you're enemy is much more beneficial than any reward from having a conflict with her is worth. Because chances are you have a conflict with her you're losing your life too. She has admitted that no one is important to her even herself. She does not care she has gone on record saying I don't matter and neither do you.

Yuno is the type who will die on that hill with you but make sure you stop breathing first. Then if by some miracle she lives she's probably not even gonna be happy about it.

Her response to Mikoto's fight was to marvel at his strength.

"Also, Mikoto-san was also attacked but apparently it ended up in something of a draw. That guy was strong, huh—how unexpected."

Then call Kotoko an idiot for acting violently where everyone could see. Naw, I'm not fucking with her, I don't know if Haruka could kill her or not. I doubt it but it would definitely be a square up.

I just wouldn't recommend anyone fuck with her like at all. Just don't bother her.

Also she may kill Mu. Because Mu simply refuses or does not know how to read a room/take a hint and stop bothering her but I've discussed that before.

Fuuta: 165cm- 5"4

Threat Level: AN EYE FOR AN EYE (COULD BE KILLED BY HARUKA)

He could be killed by Haruka but seems to be on good terms with him. So, I don't think he would be attacked by Haruka. However, he is planning to attack Kotoko, along with possibly Shidou, and Mikoto.

Kotoko did a good job of making enemies with her actions in response to trial one and Futa is reactionary. He partakes in reactionary violence it would not suprise me if he tried to attack her.

Look when people start talking like,

Q.12 Are there any prisoners you don’t get on with?

Futa: Can you not tell by looking at my face? Obviously Kotoko.

Then maybe they just have an issue with that person and may act on it.

Yet, maybe this is a situation where being apart of whatever Amane has going on will make it so he can't do that. Since it goes against the tenants recited in Purge March. He'd only be able to react to a wrong done to him after this point unless him and Amane are both petty. Which at that point we have a different set of issues entirely.

However, it seems that Futa and Amane are more absorbed with Shidou's actions which given Shidou has been abundantly clear about extracting that fang. People should be hoping he's jumped by a middle schooler and a college student.

Makes Kotoko's life a bit easier honestly.

Muu: 162cm- 5"3

Threat Level: MOM

She's Haruka's mom if he didn't kill the one in the mvs (to our knowledge currently) I'm not that concerned about her safety when it comes to Haruka. She seems to mostly be trying to make herself useful while not handling her verdict as well as she could be.

However, since she's focused on making use of herself, chances are she's not going to be interested in causing any trouble. Because that would be counterproductive to displaying her worth in this instance. Now, since most of her utility hinges on taking care Haruka that creates a conflict of interest when it comes to him possibly dying.

Because no one else needs her. So, if Haruka were to die, she may react poorly to that. Even though she said she supported him in all his endeavors because that's what friends do. This was also one of the reasons I thought the continued foreshadowing of the suicide was odd because it would be incredibly unhelpful to Mu if he did do that.

Like that's actually just not going to help her at all and it doesn't seem like something he wants to do. It also doesn't really cover why it took him so long to plan it and why he would need to tell others ahead of doing it. The only thing that explains the amount of time it's taken is that we were expressedly told nothing noteworthy is able to happen until after the trial.

Mu does seem to be upset with Yuno and projecting the same animosities/expectations she had for her victim onto her. So, that's an issue to look out for. Oh, she seems a bit jealous of Mahiru, which has been a consistent thing. Mahiru is also still in a very vulnerable position because Shidou is simply a bad doctor, so she would be easy to kill.

Shidou: 180cm- 5"9

Threat Level: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?!

Couldn't be killed by Haruka based on Haruka's own logic. Because he's larger than him. However, he can in fact catch heat from that middle schooler that's half Haruka's size. I don't know what Amane has planned but I think that shit would be hilarious. Haruka is five foot seven Amane is four foot seven.

I don't think Haruka should have tapped out so early. He needs to expand his horrizons. He could kill Shidou. Hell, if they all work together- I'm sorry, but no, Shidou has a serious target on his back.

Not just from Futa and Amane but Kotoko as well. He pretty much successfully attempted to take her position and cemented himself as indispensable to Es something she failed to do. I don't defend Kotoko a lot (when I do, I am simply the best at it), but if she did kill him I would understand why.

The dude isn't hiding the fact that he kills kids and he's been innocent twice. He doesn't even seem remorseful from her perspective it could really appear that Shidou is taking advantage of Es because they're a child. Something she could view as him doing with his victims before this as well, depending on the knowledge she has.

Which is honestly the same thing she was doing but she dislikes herself as well to an extent. So, that's not saving him at all. On top of that, he's actively stated that he has issues with her repeatedly,

Q.06 Do you forgive Kotoko?

Shidou: No. I can’t forgive someone for trying to achieve things with violence.

Mahiru: 154cm- 5"

Threat level: INCAPACITATED???

We haven't seen her move from Shidou's sight in over a year. Her verdict changed to innocent and we have no implication of her getting better. The funniest shit that could happen is she kills Shidou for being a bad doctor. I don't know if she would and currently her mental health seems to be more of a longstanding issue. But ya know I think she should be allowed to kill in Milgram just a small bit.

I mean I really wish she could-

*the monkey paw curls a finger and she kills Mikoto*

Ah, shit I really need to stop leaving that out! The only prisoner that Mahiru has actually had an issue with is Mikoto. She doesn't seem to get along with him that well and accuses him of being a cheater off rip. On top of that their relationship hasn't seemed to improve any.

Plus, there's that one answer from trial two on Mikoto's end-

Q07. What are your thoughts about Mahiru?

Mikoto: How cruel. To think "I" did something like that, I can't believe it.

So, ah ehh who am I to say... Like that was weird wonder what that was about.

Kazui: 186cm- 6"1

Threat Level: IF MILGRAM WAS AN ALL OUT BRAWL! (Can't be killed by Haruka)

Though if we all work together as Mikoto has recommended to Kotoko- Kazui could get fucked up. Kicking Kazui's ass is a team sport. (Star: A contact sport too! :D) As Kazui said himself if Mikoto and Kotoko worked together he would be fucked.

Who knows, maybe because Mikoto was found innocent this trial by Milgram's own rules, the ones Kotoko claims to respect... Well, maybe she might work with him. And Kazui can still get his ass kicked after all. If not he has blatantly stated that Yuno is bothering him it may not be enough to act on it, but that's really the only complaint he's had, which is kind of odd.

Considering Kotoko jumped people which he did have complaints about too. But really, he's just been relaxing. I don't really know what he might do. It just seems like, at this point, he really is waiting for this to be over.

Amane: 144cm- 4"7

Threat Level: DON'T RUN WITH SCISSORS! (Could be killed by Haruka)

She only wants to kill Shidou. I don't even think she'll really be able to do that, considering there are a lot of interpersonal dynamics at play that we simply aren't completely aware of. Because a lot of the prisoners have been remaining pretty private, including Amane herself. Since she's been having Futa go around for the most part trying to convince others to join her cause.

Now, do I think she definitely couldn't kill Shidou? No. Not really. I think she could do it if she really tried. Like put all her effort into it. Yet she recognizes she would need help.

Amane has not lied about her distaste for Shidou's behavior.

However, Shidou is a man in his thirties at this point. The fact that he was willing to have a longstanding altercation with a middle schooler for any reason makes him someone not worthy of my respect. He can't respect kids, himself, his career, or his loved ones. Nothing will ever make up for the emptiness that fills that man and the worst thing about Amane wanting to kill him in my eyes-

Is the fact that he came in here wanting to be killed by a kid to begin with. I take no satisfaction in the idea that his desire may be granted. He is an irresponsible selfish man-child who would sooner let Amane kill him by jumping on the scissors she had multiple times and call that atonement than actually try to live.

Outside of that, Amane hasn't really threatened anyone else. I don't personally consider the idea of Shidou getting what he wanted from the start an actual threat. Because again, that's what he wanted.

Mikoto: 176cm- 5"7

Threat Level: UNRESTRAINED (Can't be killed by Haruka)

He's unrestrained, still. That is why he was given the restraints he was in within his second voice drama. He doesn't have to play by Milgram's rules, which plays into Kotoko calling his existence a sin during the birthday interaction she had with him.

Because his existence is literally going against Milgram's rules to an extent.

Do I think that's dangerous? No, for various reasons I've given before. If Mikoto or the other one wasn't restrained by Milgram's rules the entire trial and they didn't take that opportunity to hurt anyone here. Then, chances are Mikoto still won't do that even over the course of the intermission.

However, I'm not so optimistic or invested in Mikoto's good image to not admit- That he very easily could have chosen not to do anything during the trial to give himself more credibility. Then continue to excuse anything he does later as being the others personalities fault. It's not likely that this will not work because his second trial hung on the fact that depending on the verdict he received Mikoto (the prisoner brought into Milgram) wouldn't be around anymore if he was voted guilty and things would calm down if he were innocent.

So, simalrly to Mu, he to has a vested interest in not causing any trouble to make that appear to be the case. I can't imagine him doing anything out in the open where everyone could see.

Which brings me to my next point,

Whatever happens during this intermission has been consistently foreshadowed as things that will happen in the open and things that will happen behind closed doors.

Ultimately up to the discretion of the prisoners.

Kotoko: 171cm- 5"6

Threat Level: VIGILANTE THROUGH AND THROUGH

Vigilantes work in the shadows outside of the accepted law of the land.

Kotoko knew how to work discretely before being brought into Milgram. She may have only done the things she did so openly because she was voted innocent from the get-go. Now, she may realize that doing things the way she did was a mistake and she overplayed her hand. That as she implied in her second voice drama and mv people enjoy when others get what they deserve but don't want to feel directly responsible or connected to their downfall in any way. Meaning there's a good chance she'll just do what she did before Milgram and take matters into her own hands.

It wouldn't be anything new for her.

Yet, at the same time, it wouldn't make things easy for her either. That wouldn't be anything new since she's always been the sort to know that the road she chose to walk isn't an easy one and wouldn't make her well liked.

So, I don't really know how much that will deter her now.

Long story short, anyone could do anything at any time. That's just how people are in general. Instead of trying to predict how someone will move if you do x or y people should try to think about what they most want to do themselves instead. At least, that's the easiest way I've found to avoid having regrets.

Now excuse Star and I as we go pass out!

[gravesung]

*  ANSWER  TWENTY - ONE  QUESTIONS  ! some questions may be ‘ ??? ‘ instead of answered.

01.    NICKNAME  :  raine 02.    REAL  NAME  : emma 03.    ZODIAC  : gemini 04.    HEIGHT  : 5′9′’ 05.    WHAT  TIME  IS  IT  ?  : 10:54 am. 06.    FAVOURITE  MUSICIANS  /  GROUPS  :  lately it's been hoz.ier, air traffic controller, hal.sey (thanks hol), brick + mortar, the neighbourhood, zack hemsey (underrated, listen to him), and then just 100000 other artists that i only know 1-2 songs by because of character playlists 07.    FAVOURITE  SPORTS  TEAM  : uhh hh h (sweats) the sportsball sportsballers (nodding. i'm so cool and know a single thing about sp 08.    OTHER  BLOGS  :  @/huntershowl, my main blog! beloved oc, writing whom has changed my life in so many ways! also elizabeth bioshock at @/cewyll but the activity there is super low rn. she sleebin. once dragon age comes out she'll wake back up 09.    DO  I  GET  ASKS  ?  : HAHA. (TAKES A LOGN DRAG OF A CIGARETTE) bOY DO I MISS GETTING NICE ONES 10.    HOW  MANY  BLOGS  DO  I  FOLLOW  ?  : 133 (wow? goddamn) 11.    ANY  TUMBLR  CRUSHES  :  oo. i haven't been here super long (since The Resurgence at least) & pre-anime boy takeover this blog was more just a friends-only sandbox zone, so i don't do a lot of outreach still. —but also, who are we kidding, yes 100%: @vzmky's geto portrayal & art has me in shambles. same goes for @brazenlystrong, ur art and portrayal is so [chef kiss]??? (& lbr you two are a package deal SDHSKJDH) —@sasouken we've only written together a little bit so far, but i'm already like !!! EEE whenever i see a message or reply from u. such an honor honestly. —also silly but needs to be said, despite literally being mains @chaoslulled is STILL fuckin awe inspiring in every way. i still get a little thrill when i see ur replies AND I DO STILL READ EVERY ONE THREE TIMES 12.    LUCKY  NUMBER  : 4 (thanks artemis fowl) 13.    WHAT  AM  I  WEARING  RIGHT  NOW  : pjs... though im about to change into some kinda cuteass fall outfit for a walk outside & the gym 14.    DREAM  VACATION  : prollyyyyyy italy to visit mine papá... although tokyo & amsterdam sound very fun too i just love cities 15.    DREAM  CAR  : a solid public transport system 16.    FAVOURITE  FOOD  :  curry. any kind of curry 17.    DRINK  OF  CHOICE  : coffee (flat cappuccino or just drip w/ cream), spicy black teas (dont get me started ill talk forever), or if we're talking alcohol, i always gravitate toward floral gin drinks 18.    LANGUAGES  :  english but i am learning welsh for fun. at some point i GOTTA start learning italian but i'm putting it off because i'm lazy 19.    INSTRUMENTS  :  cello & piano, a ttteeeeeeeny bit of guitar, took vocal lessons for a while, but honestly cello is my main bitch forever and ever 20.    CELEBRITY  CRUSHES  :  c.ate blanchett, d.aniel henney, k.eanu reeves, j.anelle monae, k.ing princess, uhhh kaoru kobayashi has real hot scarred dad vibes in midnight diner (this answer has not changed since 2019 when i last did it) 21.    RANDOM  FACT  : i just started an art mentorship!! gonna be commissioned a custom mural (themed on isolation, there will be hellhound & lighthouse themes involved most likely lbr) & later this fall, doing some inking for a mecha comic under guidance of a local artist i admire so much. it's gonna take an entire year but i'm so excited about it, especially because i want to eventually make my own webcomic/GN about mx houndcreature eventually (soonish) 

TAGGED   BY  :  thiefed it.

TAGGING  :  y'all know by now that i barely have enough confidence to tag the earlier ppl. THIEF IT. TAG ME SO I CAN SEE. but also @tewwor because you tagged me in this 5 yrs ago

[emaonline]

i love line breaks

I have always been interested in poetry, even though I am not so related to this topic, what always caught my attention about poetry is, what I know now, It´s called Line Breaks. Now I understand why this topic caught my attention, one particular reason is because that is its function. Line breaks help the poem to have a visual shape, also helps to emphasize and gives certain rhythm to the poem, the writer chooses the type of line breaks depended on the purpose of the poem. Readers also expect a porpose as well, for instance, if the last word of the poem is isolated in the last line, might be because it was important to highlight that detail, or metaphor, and the reader may understand it. Short lines are mostly used when the imagery is precise and something important to focus on, short lines require better attention to the words written. On the other hand, if the written is on long lines, it may be because it´s important to understand the entire expression. Line breaks can be used by the writer to express certain porpose, this is a big topic that I am still very interested in, to summarize this topic in a few words its impossible, it is an extended topic to analyze and this is also a reason of why I think is one of the most beautiful things in poetry.

David F. Shutlz (2017 september 4) All About Line Breaks. https://davidfshultz.com/2017/09/04/all-about-line-breaks/

[fromkenari]

A mass of fools and knaves

The full email exchange between Alex Claremont Diaz and Prince Henry Fox Mountchristen Windsor from Chapter Nine of Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. Put here for my best friend to read.

A mass of fools and knaves A agcd@eclare45.com                8/10/20 1:04 AM to Henry H, Have you ever read any of Alexander Hamilton’s letters to John Laurens? What am I saying? Of course you haven’t. You’d probably be disinherited for revolutionary sympathies. Well, since I got the boot from the campaign, there is literally nothing for me to do but watch cable news (diligently chipping away at my brain cells by the day) and sort through all my old shit from college. Just looking at papers, thinking: Excellent, yes, I’m so glad I stayed up all night writing this for a 98 in the class, only to get summarily fired from the first job I ever had and exiled to my bedroom! Great job, Alex! Is this how you feel in the palace all the time? It fucking sucks, man. So anyway, I’m going through my college stuff, and I find this analysis I did of Hamilton’s wartime correspondence, and hear me out: I think Hamilton could have been bi. His letters to Laurens are almost as romantic as his letters to his wife. Half of them are signed “Yours” or “Affectionately yrs,” and the last one before Laurens died is signed “Yrs for ever.” I can’t figure out why nobody talks about the possibility of a Founding Father being not straight (outside of Chernow’s biography, which is great btw, see attached bibliography). I mean, I know why, but. Anyway, I found this part of a letter he wrote to Laurens, and it made me think of you. And me, I guess: The truth is I am an unlucky honest man, that speak my sentiments to all and with emphasis. I say this to you because you know it and will not charge me with vanity. I hate Congress—I hate the army—I hate the world—I hate myself. The whole is a mass of fools and knaves; I could almost except you … Thinking about history makes me wonder how I’ll fit into it one day, I guess. And you too. I kinda wish people still wrote like that. History, huh? Bet we could make some. Affectionately yrs, slowly going insane, Alex, First Son of Founding Father Sacrilege

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 239-241). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Re: A mass of fools and knaves Henry hwales@kensingtonemail.com                8/10/20 4:18 AM to A Alex, First Son of Masturbatory Historical Readings: The phrase “see attached bibliography” is the single sexiest thing you have ever written to me. Every time you mention your slow decay inside the White House, I can’t help but feel it’s my fault, and I feel absolutely shit about it. I’m sorry. I should have known better than to turn up at a thing like that. I got carried away; I didn’t think. I know how much that job meant to you. I just want to … you know. Extend the option. If you wanted less of me, and more of that—the work, the uncomplicated things—I would understand. Truly. In any event … Believe it or not, I have actually done a bit of reading on Hamilton, for a number of reasons. First, he was a brilliant writer. Second, I knew you were named after him (the pair of you share an alarming number of traits, by the by: passionate determination, never knowing when to shut up, &c &c). And third, some saucy tart once tried to impugn my virtue against an oil painting of him, and in the halls of memory, some things demand context. Are you angling for a revolutionary soldier role-play scenario? I must inform you, any trace of King George III blood I have would curdle in my very veins and render me useless to you. Or are you suggesting you’d rather exchange passionate letters by candlelight? Should I tell you that when we’re apart, your body comes back to me in dreams? That when I sleep, I see you, the dip of your waist, the freckle above your hip, and when I wake up in the morning, it feels like I’ve just been with you, the phantom touch of your hand on the back of my neck fresh and not imagined? That I can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body ache? That, for a few moments, I can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all? I think perhaps Hamilton said it better in a letter to Eliza: You engross my thoughts too intirely to allow me to think of any thing else—you not only employ my mind all day; but you intrude upon my sleep. I meet you in every dream—and when I wake I cannot close my eyes again for ruminating on your sweetness. If you did decide to take the option mentioned at the start of this email, I do hope you haven’t read the rest of this rubbish. Regards, Haplessly Romantic Heretic Prince Henry the Utterly Daft

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 241-243). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Re: A mass of fools and knaves A agcd@eclare45.com                8/10/20 5:36 AM to Henry H, Please don’t be stupid. No part of any of this will ever be uncomplicated. Anyway, you should be a writer. You are a writer. Even after all this, I still always feel like I want to know more of you. Does that sound crazy? I just sit here and wonder, who is this person who knows stuff about Hamilton and writes like this? Where does someone like that even come from? How was I so wrong? It’s weird because I always know things about people, gut feelings that usually lead me in more or less the right direction. I do think I got a gut feeling with you, I just didn’t have what I needed in my head to understand it. But I kind of kept chasing it anyway, like I was just going blindly in a certain direction and hoping for the best. I guess that makes you the North Star? I wanna see you again and soon. I keep reading that one paragraph over and over again. You know which one. I want you back here with me. I want your body and I want the rest of you too. And I want to get the fuck out of this house. Watching June and Nora on TV doing appearances without me is torture. We have this annual thing at my dad’s lake house in Texas. Whole long weekend off the grid. There’s a lake with a pier, and my dad always cooks something fucking amazing. You wanna come? I kind of can’t stop thinking about you all sunburned and pretty sitting out there in the country. It’s the weekend after next. If Shaan can talk to Zahra or somebody about flying you into Austin, we can pick you up from there. Say yes? Yrs, Alex P.S. Allen Ginsberg to Peter Orlovsky—1958: Tho I long for the actual sunlight contact between us I miss you like a home. Shine back honey & think of me.

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 243-245). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Re: A mass of fools and knaves Henry hwales@kensingtonemail.com                8/10/20 8:22 PM to A Alex, If I’m north, I shudder to think where in God’s name we’re going. I’m ruminating on identity and your question about where a person like me comes from, and as best as I can explain it, here’s a story: Once, there was a young prince who was born in a castle. His mother was a princess scholar, and his father was the most handsome, feared knight in all the land. As a boy, people would bring him everything he could ever dream of wanting. The most beautiful silk clothes, ripe fruit from the orangery. At times, he was so happy, he felt he would never grow tired of being a prince. He came from a long, long line of princes, but never before had there been a prince quite like him: born with his heart on the outside of his body. When he was small, his family would smile and laugh and say he would grow out of it one day. But as he grew, it stayed where it was, red and visible and alive. He didn’t mind it very much, but every day, the family’s fear grew that the people of the kingdom would soon notice and turn their backs on the prince. His grandmother, the queen, lived in a high tower, where she spoke only of the other princes, past and present, who were born whole. Then, the prince’s father, the knight, was struck down in battle. The lance tore open his armor and his body and left him bleeding in the dust. And so, when the queen sent new clothes, armor for the prince to parcel his heart away safe, the prince’s mother did not stop her. For she was afraid, now: afraid of her son’s heart torn open too. So the prince wore it, and for many years, he believed it was right. Until he met the most devastatingly gorgeous peasant boy from a nearby village who said absolutely ghastly things to him that made him feel alive for the first time in years and who turned out to be the most mad sort of sorcerer, one who could conjure up things like gold and vodka shots and apricot tarts out of absolutely nothing, and the prince’s whole life went up in a puff of dazzling purple smoke, and the kingdom said, “I can’t believe we’re all so surprised.” I’m in for the lake house. I must admit, I’m glad you’re getting out of the house. I worry you may burn the thing down. Does this mean I’ll be meeting your father? I miss you. x Henry P.S. This is mortifying and maudlin and, honestly, I hope you forget it as soon as you’ve read it. P.P.S. From Henry James to Hendrik C. Andersen, 1899: May the terrific U.S.A. be meanwhile not a brute to you. I feel in you a confidence, dear Boy–which to show is a joy to me. My hopes and desires and sympathies right heartily and most firmly, go with you. So keep up your heart, and tell me, as it shapes itself, your (inevitably, I imagine, more or less weird) American story. May, at any rate, tutta quella gente be good to you.

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 245-247). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

[practicalmagicintuitions]

HC+NV relationship and career

DISCLAIMER: If you will send me an Anon, I will answer in the same tone as your ask, opinion is written.

All information and statements made in this reading or any other post of mine are all alleged until proven to be fact and for entertainment purposes & usage only. All information stated is based on my intuition and my tarot cards. Opinion only. The readings have no intention to cause any harm to the individuals, people featured in it.

DISCLAIMER II :  This reading contains very heavy topics, so be careful. I’ve decided to put it after the cut, the KEEP READING. Cards pulled today: 09/04/2023

After a meditation session, I felt I had to do this reading.

So I have barely thought about HC when The Fool flight out. Anyone who is here long enough knows that The Fool is HC so I saw this as a good sign that I am on track with this reading. But since there was no question attached to this card I put it back.

I felt I have to publish this ASAP, so if there are any errors, or typos etc, apologies.

HC relationship

4 of Wands, 9 of Swords.

This combination is anything but hopeful or joyous. The 4 of W card is a traditional wedding, celebration and marriage card and since this is about a relationship I think this is what the means for them. Engagement, wedding etc. However, the 9 of Sw is the nightmare card. On the card the man wakes up from a nightmare, his hands covering his face, maybe he is crying. 

The less negative option here is that HC is happy but has some serious fear that he will lose this current happiness.

The more negative option and this was my first thought when I saw this combo that he made up his mind and decided to marry NV, maybe we are past engagement already but he realised he made a mistake or he will after the wedding. We all have those jokes about runaway brides…well runaway groom is a thing too. 

And this combo is baffling because the 4ofW is one of the happiest, most stable card and the 9 of Sw is one of the darkest, dealing with depression and serious negative thoughts, and feelings. The imagery is the complete opposite. 4ofW’s background is bright, sunny yellow, the 9ofSw’s are black as night. For me, this is stuck with the idea of marriage and married life. A thing he must do, like a chore but he doesn’t want to do it, the whole idea makes him sweat from fear. 

So I wouldn’t be surprised if we would hear of an engagement from a reliable source aka on his IG or something. (and other things are coming in this reading, so keep reading)

HC’s career and finance

Ace of Pentacles rx, Knight of Pentacles, The Moon

Ace of P is lack or loss of money, poor investments. Stability is gone, someone is better at spending money than earning it. This also means not rushing into any investments. I could  not think of his Warhammer project… Knight of P is holding a pentacle in his hand, the image is awfully similar to the Ace of P. And it looks like he is handling the pentacle (the money) to The Moon card. KnofP means he has to accept and takes responsibility but with The Moon card and the Aof P rx I think he is delusional about his career and financial projects. This Knight is also kinda boring in terms of career and branding so it is not the best. 

The Moon is also a powerful imagination. So a less negative option is if he is hard-working, persistent, responsible and uses his ideas in a proper way he has a chance to turn his current financially negative situation into something better. But I won’t lie, I don’t really see this. 

When I was checking my notes on The Moon card I found that someone suggested that this card could mean a job as a sailor. I don’t know where this comes from but I remembered his new movie (with Guy Ritchie) something has to do with sailors based on a picture I saw. And this has given to me a different perspective. I think his hopes career-wise lie in this movie. Maybe he is involved financially in it. Maybe he has a contract that if the movie succeeds he will earn extra money, have a second part etc. 

I’ve decided to draw 2-2 cards for NV and HC as individuals in this current citation they are in. I suggest when you read this section keep in your mind the cards I got in the relationship section and try to interpret them together. 

NV

2 of cups rx, Ace of cups rx

I won’t sugarcoat it, I will tell you what was my thought immediately.

That she is pregnant and she is not happy. Here, I’ve said it…

Let’s start with the AofC rx and why this is a pregnancy card. If this card is upright, the water is flowing undisturbed. If it’s RX there is no flow, meaning no period meaning…pregnancy. 

2 of C rx is an imbalance, unhappy couple, separation, divorce etc. My feeling is that she was unhappy in this relationship anyway but the potential pregnancy doubled it. 2 of C rx could mean a broken engagement or an attraction for someone other than our partner. I feel she was not happy anyway with or without pregnancy. I think the overflowing emotions, the pink glass slowly wore off and what remained is the harsh truth, that his relationship is not so dream-like as she imagined. 

HC 

The Emperor, Queen of Swords rx

When I saw the QofSw rx my first thought was: this kid possibly won’t be born. This could mean abortion or miscarriage both aligned with the rx QofSw

The Emperor is the ultimate father card, the one who cares but gives structure, boundaries, discipline, and rules to follow. He is also a strong, authoritative figure, a patriarch. With the QofSw rx I think he is imbalanced at least his thoughts are. He is cold, maybe argumentative. Swords are thoughts and in rx those are cold-hearted, negative and mean. I feel he is ready to manipulate to get what he wants. I think he is sharped tongued and not the most gentle with NV. It also could mean he is questioning his own ability to be a father and reflects his relationship with his own father. 

So I have this feeling that neither of them wants this pregnancy or is just very confused about it because their relationship is not a good foundation for having a family. I think HC is traditional enough not to want a child without wedlock so if the pregnancy happens I think he would say he doesn’t want the kid at all or say let’s get married then. This depends on the woman who delivers the news to him. Since NV is his official gf I think the marriage is more likely.

I have decided to pull an outcome card for the whole reading and the Judgment felt off horizontally exactly on the Ace of Cups RX card. You already know I pay attention to those details. How and where a card lands. Horizontally means it’s between the rx and the upright, it means to struggle. For me, that means the future of this possible pregnancy is undecided yet. They (or she) struggle to see clearly. Maybe she wants to have a kid just not from him. It’s a point of no return either way and she has to be very careful what decision she makes because it will be final. The imagery of the card is an Angel blowing a horn and people are rising from their graves. This is Judgement Day. It’s pretty heavy considering the topic, right? 

This was a heavy reading I know but that is what I saw. 

Take care of yourself, be blessed. 

[waechter]

Staffel 3 re-written (ausschließlich mit vorhandenem canon)

13 Folgen? In Hamburg? Ohne Headcanons hinzuzufügen? Ich habs versucht.

Natürlich war 4 gegen Z immer eher eine episodische, „Zanrelot’s new bad plan of the week“ Serie, aber wir versuchen uns jetzt mal mit einer neuen Stadt an einem neuen Konzept.

Grobe Episodenübersicht (more details: see here)

01 Das Tor zur Welt (jetzt auch tatsächlich plot-relevant!)

Bleibt größtenteils, wie sie ist. Die neuen und alten Wächter erfahren bei ihrem gemeinsamen Besuch in der Unterwelt, um Jakko zu retten, dass Zanrelot das Tor zur Welt durchschreiten will. Das Ganze überhören sie als Zanrelot Matreus von seinem neuen Plan erzählt und auch gleich erwähnt, dass er weiß, wo sich die Karte und das Pendel befinden, da er dies aus Jonas Erinnerungen gezogen hat, als sie sich einen Körper geteilt haben. Jona sei der Einzige gewesen, der von diesen Orten wisse, denn er habe die beiden Gegenstände damals vor ihm versteckt.

An der Oberwelt übergeben die Wächter schweren Herzens ihr Amt an die Hamburger und sagen ihnen, dass Jona tot sei und sie demnach Zanrelot und Matreus im Auge behalten müssen, um an die Orte der Karte und des Pendels zu kommen. 

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02 Aller Anfang ist schwer

Eine schöne Anfangsfolge für das neue Team. Ein Zanrelots-new-bad-plan-of-the-week, in dem sie lernen (!) mit ihren neuen Fähigkeiten umzugehen, sich ein wenig in die Köppe kriegen, sich verzeihen und lernen, als Team zu arbeiten. Erste Andeutungen von Finja/Jakko und David und Milli freunden sich miteinander an, weil sie beide “Außenseiter” sind. 

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03 Alte Freunde 

Die Wächter versuchen mithilfe von Sophie Jona wiederzubeleben, da nur er die Orte von Karte und Pendel kennt. 

Matreus, der eigentlich von Zanrelot beauftragt wurde, das Pendel zu finden, versucht stattdessen die Wiederbelebung aufzuhalten und scheitert. 

Jona kann den Kindern zwei Orte nennen, an denen sich scheinbar Pendel und Karte befinden, bevor Matreus auftaucht.

Jona bricht mit Matreus aufgrund seines Verrats an ihm in Lübeck (bei dem Jona Matreus Mitschuld an seinem Tod gab), wird von ihm angegriffen und fällt ins Koma.  

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04 Wettlauf gegen die Zeit

Die Wächter suchen nach der Karte. Doch Jonas Orte sind nicht die eigentlichen Verstecke. Stattdessen finden sie dort nur weitere Hinweise, die er hinterlassen hat, wie bei einer Schnitzeljagd, um zu verhindern, dass die Gegenstände in die falschen Hände fallen. 

Die ganze Episode über liefern sie sich ein magisches Wettrennen mit Matreus, am Ende gehen alle leer aus, denn Jona hat die Karte “an einem anderen, sicheren Ort bei einem guten Freund” versteckt, wie ihnen der letzte Hinweis verrät. 

Keiner von ihnen weiß, wen Jona damit gemeint haben könnte. 

Episode endet mit kleinem Cliffhanger.

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05 Der Fluch (vorher Episode 4)

Odalinde bleibt. Sie weiß, wer Jonas Freund ist, weil sie damals mit ihm ebenfalls bekannt war, als Zanrelot in Hamburg einfallen wollte. 

More Zanrelot - Hamburg Backstory. 

Odalinde hat versprochen, niemandem zu verraten, wer der Freund ist, auch nicht den Wächtern, da sie dieses Wissen lediglich durch einen Zufall erhalten hat. Aber als Dank, dass die Wächter sie vor Zanrelot und seiner Folter, um die Identität des Freundes zu erfahren, gerettet haben und ihre Seele für immer befreien, teilt sie ihr Wissen als letzte Tat. 

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06 Der goldene Kelch 

Kann größtenteils als Plot so bleiben und als pairing Episode Finja/Jakko herhalten. Gern auch mit dem Original-Plot, dass Finja Jakkos Vater beinahe umbringt in dem Glauben, ihm zu helfen. 

Der B-Plot sind David und Milli (nun best friends), die Odalindes Hinweis nachgehen und den Antiquitätenhändler (!) ausfindig machen. Sie bekommen die Karte von ihm und die Schneekugel wird zum ersten Mal gezeigt.

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07 Stadt ohne Vergangenheit (vorher Episode 5)

Bleibt größtenteils, wie sie ist. Jona wacht aus dem Koma auf, weil er mit den Wächtern die Vergangenheit retten muss. Matreus’ crush auf Amalie wird gestrichen, neuer Konfliktpunkt ist nun: Amalie fühlt sich von ihm verraten, weil er nun Zanrelot dient. Jona fühlt sich von ihm verraten, weil er ihm Mitschuld an seinem Tod gibt. Matreus fühlt sich von beiden verraten, weil sie ihm keine Chance geben sich zu erklären. 

Endet mit dem Löschen des ewigen Feuers und dem Kuss zwischen Jona und Amalie. 

Zanrelot gerät mit Matreus aneinander, weil er Jona zurückhaben will und Matreus ihm Jonas Rückkehr verschwiegen hat. 

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08 Stadt ohne Musik (vorher Episode 7)

Die muss bleiben. In all ihrer verwirrenden, seltsamen Pracht. Die Musik wird nun jedoch gespielt, um Jona zurück auf Zanrelots Seite zu holen. Etwas, das Matreus zwar nicht aktiv versucht zu sabotieren, aber er gibt sich die ganze Episode über Mühe, Zanrelot zu zeigen, dass er der bessere Sohn wäre. 

Die Songs ändern sich natürlich etwas. Davids, Juris und Hannas Songs entfallen / werden geändert. Matreus bekommt einen darüber, dass er Zanrelots Sohn sein möchte.

Das Ende bleibt, um zu zeigen, dass Jona Matreus noch immer im Herzen hat. Kommt außerdem gut direkt nach der Vergangenheitsfolge.

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09 Das Pendel

Es geht weiter im Tor zur Welt-Plot. Matreus findet das Pendel vor den Wächtern, obwohl sie nun Jonas Hilfe haben. Wir sehen Jona in dieser Folge weitere Aussetzer haben. 

Die beiden haben ihr obligatorisches heart-to-heart Gespräch pro Staffel, das damit endet, dass Jona Matreus beichtet, dass etwas mit ihm nicht stimmt. 

Am Ende der Folge beginnen die Wächter erste Vorbereitungen, die Karte zu sichern, bis sie das Pendel von Zanrelot stehlen können. 

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10 Reise ins Nichts 

Filler-Episode. Zanrelots bad plan of the week. Kann fast so bleiben. Er will damit halt die Wächter für immer loswerden, indem er sie verschwinden lässt oder so. 

Es kommt raus, dass Jakko im Bootshaus schläft und wird offiziell von Hannah und Juri aufgenommen, um das Jugendamt zu beruhigen. Finja ist super happy, dass sie nun mit ihrem neuen boyfriend zusammenlebt.

Jona verlässt Hamburg, nachdem er bemerkt, dass er kaum noch in der Lage ist, den Wächtern aufrichtig zu helfen und sie nicht zu sabotieren. 

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11 Eine bittere Niederlage

Durch eine sehr gut durchdachte Ablenkung gelingt es Matreus, die Karte doch zu stehlen.

Zanrelot kommt nach oben (auch ganz ohne den Kometen) und öffnet das Tor zur Welt. 

Es kommt zum Kampf zwischen den Wächtern und Zanrelot, dann zum Kampf zwischen Jona, der zurückgekehrt ist, und Zanrelot. Die beiden stürzen wie gehabt in die Elbe. 

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12 Verrat hoch zwei

Bleibt fast wie sie ist, knüpft aber unmittelbar an die vorherige Episode an. 

Matreus und Jona bekommen eine letzte Chance, miteinander zu sprechen. Matreus leaves conflicted und Jona wird auf die böse Seite gezogen. 

Er nimmt den meisten Wächtern die Löser ab. 

Matreus stellt sich gegen Zanrelot, erkennt seine Schuld ein und wird von Jona “getötet”.

-

13 Kampf ums Tor zur Welt

Bleibt fast wie sie ist. Matreus bleibt in seinem Zauberstab und greift nicht in den Plot ein. 

Die Schneekugel wird ihnen vom Antiquitätenhändler zugeschickt, der diese Anweisung von Jona bekommen hat, als der noch halbwegs bei Sinnen war, zusammen mit der Anleitung, wie sie sie zu benutzen haben.

Sie sperren Jona und Zanrelot in die Kugel ein. 

Kugel und Zauberstab gehen an den Händler. 

Ende

[metalcultbrigade]

Annihilator - Alice in Hell 17/04/1989

ALICE IN HELL (1989) Facts - read til the end for surprise!):

- ANNIHILATOR: ALICE IN HELL was the 1st Gold Record for Roadrunner Records & the band.

- All songs written between 1984-1987 in Ottawa, Canada.

- All songs from "ALICE" (as well as most songs/riffs from 1990's "NEVER, NEVERLAND") were demoed via 3 cassette demos:

1) 1985 WELCOME TO YOUR DEATH (crystal ann, wtyd, lust of death-turned-human insecticide, buzzsaw blade, i am in command, back to the crypt)

Freed From The Pit (Road To Ruin)

2) 1986 PHANTASMAGORIA (alison hell, gallery-turned neverland and stonewall, phantasmagoria, ligeia)

Mayhem (Reduced to Ash) and I Love The Dead (Kraf Dinner) were demoed in the same session but didn't get on the officially-released version)

3) 1987 "SHOPPING DEMO" (wicked mystic, imperilled eyes, word salad). For record labels only.

- The WTYD demo 85 was reviewed around the world, while the Phantasmagoria demo 86 landed in the Top 4 circulated cassette demos in Metal music. Tape trading/dubbing was big then!

- While Jeff Waters wrote all the drums, Paul Malek played on most of the song demos; Jeff Waters played drums on 3 songs.

- Jeff Waters moved to Vancouver, Aug 1987 and started recording the record, off and on, from late 87-88.

- Studio engineer Paul Blake not only worked on ANNIHILATOR's records 1, 3, 4, 5, and 6, he also taught Jeff basic recording techniques and helped equip the 1st Watersound Studios on Maple Ridge, BC in 1994.

- AIH is cited as an influence by members of bands like Opeth, COB, In Flames, Slipknot, Trivium, Lamb Of God to Nickelback and Three Doors Down (Crystal Ann/Here Without You); and many more.

- David Ellefson (and Nick Menza) stated that: "The Rust In Peace lineup would crank up the ALICE IN HELL cassette everyday, to and from our writing and recording sessions for (their classic) the Rust In Peace record."

- Waters guitar playing on this record is said to be a major influence on the Scandinavian metal scene

- The next record, NEVER, NEVERLAND, surpassed ALICE in sales.