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#yeah its definietly normal to have a social ability completely made up of patchwork quotes /s
depresseddepot · 2 years
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so like. after i realized i had adhd it felt like my adhd got worse bc i was seeing symptoms everywhere, but it was really just bc i was paying full attention to it for the first time. now that i know i have autism too, it's doing the same thing, where i feel like its getting worse and harder to manage so i'm going to have to get really good at acting really quickly or i'm going to have to figure out how to not have a mental breakdown when my masking isn't working like it's supposed to
#i know nobody asked but. ive been out of sorts for the last month now#im also trying to keep this relatively light hearted but uh. uh! i don't know anymore if my personality is something i made up or not!#my sense of self is completely tied to my ability to mask and adapt to social situations i don't understand and it isn't working right now!#who am i outside of this construct!! bc right now i feel like im 10 years old again wearing the costume of a 21 year old!!!!#have i really not progressed past that!!!!!!! has all of my efforts just been to improve this fucking shell and not who i actually am!!!!#anyway. light hearted.#i hoping this is just exacerbated by current events and not like. the way my life will be from now on#i repressed that shit so desperately and hated myself so much i didn't even stop to think that maybe it was something i couldn't change#ive always been too slow at changing behaviors or too hard to understand etc etc#so i just repressed everything that was making me that way and somehow came to believe they were personal faults and not. u know. symptoms.#cant look anyone in the eye and am so tense in public settings i get exhausted right away from sheer exertion?#yeah that must be normal. im just a piece of shit who can't grow up and am so stupid my peers are passing me by ♡ /s#can't do anything new socially like making a phone call unless i see someone else do it first so i can copy their words and make a script?#yeah its definietly normal to have a social ability completely made up of patchwork quotes /s#and get paralyzed when someone asks something The Script can't answer bc you don't know how to use your own words#hmm. hmm! i hate myself (and i hate living here ♡)
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