#yes! probably! but i cant really stop myself now that ive started so this is going to Legit Haunt Me which is Not Normal!

[thevalleyoftriumph]

im beginning to think that i am mentally ill and the internet makes my mental illness Worse

[azumasoroshi]

minidura chapter 9 react

COLOR PAGE????

COLOR PAGE!!!!

since when did shinra have blue eyes though

actually i just looked up images of him but what fucking color are those?? blue?? gray?? brown??

shinra is benedict cumberbatch i guess

also shinra beating izaya at cards (and especially poker) is hilarious i need more of that

shinra please tell shizaya to kiss. do it for me

THIS IS SO CUTE AHHHHHHHHH

shizuo and izaya agreeing with each other when it comes to preventing shinra from straight up killing them lets go!!!! plus shizuo asking if shinra cheated because izaya lost ashdkgjsdkjghdssd

izaya totally cheated and still lost he's so pathetic <33333

the way he says "then" after that though like. he was actually considering dissection and money laundering PFFF

yes eat lunch together i promise it wont go horribly wrong

they've really never done this in canon though?? maybe i just read too much fanfiction about it

oh i guess they definitely havent done it before 😭

maybe this is a start. maybe they do it every day after this

izaya's cat face is so cute rhfhrgjhhjgh

only shizuo and izaya would be so baffled at the idea of eating lunch together help

like if these were ANY other people they'd be like oh sure why not! not these losers

watch the entire chapter just be them stalling help

THEY FINISH EACH OTHERS SENTENCES!! married couple behavior fr fr (<-delusional)

they havent argued once in this chapter yet so im taking everything i can get ok

the only things that will get shizaya to be on the same wavelength are eating simon's food and being afraid of shinra

THEY'RE SO CUTE!! the holy trio of malewives

i choose to believe that was both of them saying 'shinra shut up'

meals for the family man because they're going to start a family together (<-delusional but like. more than usual)

i sense a food fight incoming

oh yeah this is going on my twitter banner

cant believe we have two whole chapters of shizaya cooking together in the minidura manga. out of ten chapters. probably representative of how the mangaka was cooking fr

SOMEONE REPLACE THIS WITH THE GAY GAY HOMOSEXUAL GAY MEME RIGHT NOW

izaya would be the one out of the two of them to make moe anime girl noises (my entire friend group)

honestly how has shinra not gone insane from dealing with these two for the entirety of high school

scratch that he is insane my bad

it's like herding cats, not because they keep going in opposite directions, but because they keep fighting

of course they disagree on food tastes too. someone's leaving this kitchen with a broken spine

ive just stopped screenshotting and started posting entire pages because everything is gold

"are you that confident in your tongue" i bet you ten bucks that i could find that line in a shizaya smut fanfiction in less than 20 minutes

at least shinra's having fun

married couple behavior for sure. who doesnt bicker while cooking together

oops

shizuo would be good at cooking if izaya wasn't provoking him 😭maybe. idk the milk drinker genes might hinder him actually

for a moment there i thought they were going to have no food at all bgkjgsjsgdk

izaya and shizuo look so cute in the back thoughhhh look at themmm

shinra. shinra why would you say that they're going to kill each other. shinra. SHINRA

oh nvm i guess they were too tired to argue 😭being in forced proximity for this long is literally harder than chasing each other

wait whats that psychology term for it again. group. something. group goal SUBORDINATE GOAL thats it. a goal given to two opposing groups that forces them to cooperate and will usually eventually make them like each other more (it has never worked for shizaya. see the simon chapter) (also excuse the psychology terminology i have my final test in a month or so and this is the only way i can force myself to study)

so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeee

shinra sitting between them pfft

izaya's cat face actually kills me every time

either the food is amazing or the food is dogshit and i dont know which one would be funnier

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO

ok thats better than either of those options

this chapter has literally just been shizuo and izaya Going Through It

"everyone should get along like me and celty" is he saying shizaya should date. yes he is because i said so

also izaya moving even further away from shinra LMFAO he'd rather be in hitting range of shizuo than have to deal with shinra's celty shpeal

there's so many good reaction pictures with shizaya this chapter ill definitely be cutting them out to make into a banner at some point

im convinced this serves as a precious memory for both of them even if they dont realize it >:)

99999/10 chapter i enjoyed every second of it

[nothinginthisworldbelongstome]

hi im rose!

just started this blog so i need to fix it up all nice and pretty but honestly idk when that might happen lol

friendly dms welcomed, but please dont flirt/sext im talking with someone atm <3

just a reminder, bc sometimes people forget and treat me like im just one thing- I AM A SWITCH. that means i want to and enjoy BOTH domming and subbing, and i cant do just one all the time, it burns me out. that might be different for other people, but this is how it works for me. i need as close to 50/50 as i can get, 70/30 works too.

more about me under the cut!

i just turned 19 aug 4th! she/her lesbian

men, terfs, bigots, any shitty people, and minors fuck off i will block u

im very switchy atm, will dom or sub whatever u need baby 😘

im more comfortable topping, and i loveeee bringing u pleasure, but it would be nice to have someone who desired me as much as i did them, even if im not yet comfortable receiving that attention lol

ive only been in 1 relationship online and never have even kissed anyone before, but ive been on nsfw tumblr for a while

i dont consider myself super femme but im definitely not masc/butch. i like jewelry and flowery clothes tho lol. i kinda just wear things and i dont have a super distinctive style. im mostly attracted to femmes but for me attraction usually comes from the face and personality, generally not style, if anyone cares lmao

im 5'7, i have brown hair and blue-green eyes, and im plus size, if any of that matters to yall

kinks:

praise praise praise. i love telling u how good ur doing for me and also i wanna be someones good girl

pretty girls telling me what to do hehe i love that

pet namessss ugh pet names. i use them SO much so if u dont like it let me know (but it will be so hard for me to stop ngl i fucking love pet names)

also call ME pet names and ill fall in love with u its so soft and sweettt ahhhh

anything that will bring you pleasure. when u tell me that turned u on/made u wet that turns me on sooo much

mommy kinkkkkk! call me mommy or let me call u mommy pretty girl

VOICESSS FUCKING VOICESS i have a hugeeee voice kink. make all ur pretty noises for me baby u sound so good

grindinggg i love grinding. yes bounce on my leg sweet thing

light pet play. like ill call u puppy/bunny/kitten, collars are hot, but not much more than that and im not a pet. no cages or anything more hardcore than that really

pulling my hairrr yes babygirl pull my hair while i eat u out

consensual somnophilia i love the idea of knowing someone trusts u enough to let u do whatever u want to them while theyre sleeping

MARKINGSSS ugh theyre so hot. ive veryyyy possessive i want u to be MINE if im into u. so yes marks are so hot. giving AND being given

also reciprocal possessiveness??? jesus christ sign me up. im urs and ur mine and now im in love

LIMITS

theres probably more but this is all i can think of right now

also even tho i dont personally enjoy something or dont have it in my likes, feel free to ask! im generally very open to trying things at least once. and some of the things i dont really care for i dont mind doing a little bit if its something my partner wanted! communication is key <3

heavy degradation/humiliation and stuff like that. i dont like being really mean it makes me feel bad. i will however tease u until ur begging me to let u cum <3

also dont be mean at all in any way to me ill cry

rapeplay/kidnapping or anything nonconsensual like that it makes me feel bad

any terms like daddy/cock/dick. big turn off for me

any bodily fluids other than cum gross me out sorry

feet. u can do whatever u want with mine ig but i dont like urs no thanks

send asks and dms!! i crave interaction

CLOSING REMARKS

idrk what else to say here. if u read all this u get a cookie ig lol

feel free to ask ANYTHING im an open book and will *probably* answer honestly lol

k love u bye! mwah!

[fictionfixations]

book 7 part 4 spoilers

im having intrusive thoughts (theyre UNWELCOME. ive been hit by so many emotions i cant stop myself from actually crying rn ) now that i finished it okay so

if there are any typos or wrong words that dont make sense im SO sorry i usually sleep around this time (i wrote confused instead of convinced im SOBBING) so my brain is slowing down on me

whbat if. what if if

we encounter the dawn knight

and silver's ring starts glowing

and they accuse him of being a traitor because it seems weirdly familiar (or the knight accuses silver of being a thief? IDK)

LISTEN im still convinced that the dawn knight and silver are connected in some way. i just dont know how yet. aghhhhh

ALSO WHEN is the conversation about them mentioning 'hey you keep calling me father..' (could be brushed off as 'you remind me a lot of my father'. cue probably mixed feelings) or '..hey what was that about you calling yourself a zigvolt when we first met?'

i mean sharing LAST NAMES (edit: i said nicknames wtf? im so sorry) without being related is normal. although i dont know how normal it is in twisted wonderland.

ALSO sebek also like doubled down like

baur: you dont have the signature scales

sebek: my mother has them!

baur: then why dont you?

sebek: ... (ashamed of his father. ashamed of his blood. poor baby. he really just ended up taking being called a 'human /neg'. to be fair i dont want to know reactions to a half-fae, because that would mean during the war between fae and humans, a fae got together with a human. and we know that that relationship was looked down upon even now in the future where the war is over, i think.)

(this book made me such a sebek apologist 😭)

like COME ON dont brush it off. i mean im going to cry for that conversation because its just going to be PAIN but like CMONNN????

where are the consequences?

then again this isnt real its just. a dream.

but...

also what if the dawn knight is silvers dad and lilia fucking idk kidnapped him and it started the war [although he'd be way too young in that case since this is 400 YEARS in the past] (but then theres the note lilia read him which means silver probably did get abandoned. .......or maybe lilia killed the dawn knight and his last words were giving his son over and that note about not wanting silver's eyes to cloud over in sorrow, and to instead be as clear as the jewel on the ring...)

or or or or

AHHH

i have. so many thoughts.

i STILL believe silver's at least related to the dawn knight. ...im just not sure how but i keep backtracking to son because yes.

and like itd also play into the 'fae stealing children' idea thingy. although i wonder if thats more offensive if that gets mentioned at all. if it was like some sort of propaganda bedtime story that humans told their children to make them terrified of fae and viewing them as monsters or something..

like

cuz

remember that merchant in the port town(?) area thing

first mistook us for monsters because of our masks (but thats fair)

realized we were like fae?? made a racket

this guard came over and the merchant accused US of threatening the guy to hand over his shit like what??? WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?? we dont even want your fucking spices or whatever wtf ???

i am also a believer that there's a huge misunderstanding between the fae and humans that caused this war.

but also.

i know twisted wonderland is very tragic and everything

but if the dawn knight and the ironclads kill malleus' mom im going to hate them so much. more than i already do [well i hate the ironclads, not the dawn knight, since one bad apple doesnt make them all bad apples]. (look they probably killed raverne but..... malleus' parents man. one is better then none. :( )

god

imagine though that the dawn knight is silvers dad (in whatever twisted time loophole age gap thing whatever the fuck even if it doesnt make sense)

and the dawn knights kills maleanor . . .? i. cant remember (OKAY maleanor is malleus' mom.? and maleficia is like grandma. i think... i. bro the overuse of mal is confusing me so bad sob)

just. imagine silver spiraling into a sort of self-hate. like. im the child of your enemy. my dad ("your dad is LILIA." says someone) killed malleus' parents...

and it probably feels worse then. idk. being a human in a land of fae. like so much more out of place

and so horrible

ahh im worried

..then again maleanor (i almost said maleficia oops) is super strong right? so she'd probably win.. (but also. its a lot harder to fight with something to protect. that being your precious little eggwhich you would probably die for to keep safe) ALSO SHE DIED SO LIKE ???

hhh i dont know what to think

JP SPoilers now

also really fucking worried because JP server's all the way in like idk pomefiore and im just like

how did you even get there. whAT? THIS ENDS?

like i know it'd have to end eventually but i just cant see an end in sight...

:((

i hope we can bring lilia with us. but there might be a chance he'll be made to fall into a deeper sleep where we cant assist since the whole point of his overblot was about lilia and wanting to keep him 'alive' and there

so.....

im just. sad.

[cpunkwitch]

answering my own questions

[pt: answering my own questions]

dont really get sent anything and not many people sent in the questions when the games were posted and reblogged, and i wanted to talk about stuff, so here we are.

this might end up being a multiple part post series?

ask game one (link)

(if comfortable) tell us about your condition? as much info as youre comfy with sharing.

i have a defect in the base of my spine, since i was born its caused me chronic pain all throughout my development and in recent years its only gotten worse, twisting my spine, headaches, jaw issues etc. i've also got highly suspected rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and ive been diagnosed with a pretty bad case of anemia so bad that everytime a doctor looks at my results after bloodwork they give me a pained look and say "heyy...did you know your iron is low? like...really really low?". that and a hand full of other things, vitamin deficiencies, etc. i dont mind talking more about this

2. do you know about the spoon theory? if yes, what do you think of it?

i'll be honest, the majority of my knowledge of spoon theory off the top of my head is that "drawer with limited supply of spoons" is the disabled way of saying i only have so much motivation and energy (phys, as "battery" usually refers to social and emotional) in me. i've read up on it ages ago but would not be able to put into better words what i still remember about spoon theory (esp since we had a different host back then), i like that its just so much quicker and easier to convey my amount of ability to do things for the day by saying whether or not i have the spoons for it.

i do like to joke that my drawer is always stocked with knives and forks for the ablests, but sometimes that requires spoons to handle too. /silly

3. do you have mobility aids? if yes, which ones? if no, do you want any in the future?

i've mention how i really wish i could have a wheelchair if i were in a different situation, i dont know if i'll ever get one and i almost cried when my brother responded to my joke of "would you make on for me?" with an "i would if i could", i really would like a wheelchair of some kind in the future if the world were more accessible and i were in a safer place. right now though, i've just got my cane that still needs repainting. i guess my moms back brace counts too, i take it with me to work sometimes.

4. how did you find out about cripplepunk? what drew you to the community and movement?

i dont exactly remember but i've known about it for years. i (prev host) might have come across it looking up different punk aesthetics, though im not completely sure why it showed up in a punk aesthetic list, possibly because its punk and people misinterpreted it? my first glimpse was seeing patches on jackets, spiked customized aids, cripples/phys disabled people in your classic punk attire (piercings, dyed spiked mohawks, ripped jeans and fingerless gloves) and i loved it. im a sucker for self expression through appearance and customizing things and then when i found out it was a whole community for support and centered around being physically disabled in general and slowly came to terms with my own disabled body and started accepting myself, i kinda fell in love with cripplepunk in the "this feels like home" sense.

i could probably ramble way more but i'll stop there.

5. if you deal with any kind of pain, what's your method of pain management?

i use hot packs, ice packs, voltaren cream, sometimes i take a cbd gummy, i do little stretches when i remember them, i take walks and hot baths/showers, im trying to go back to the chiropractor and my favourite instructors in rehab (theyre trans friendly and complimented my cane when i first came in with it i love them so much), and i take whatever meds i can, normally anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen but because i cant swallow pills i either take liquid (yeah, childs liquid meds works, the couple hours of mild relief is still worth it) or powdered tylenol or something. the hot/cold stuff depends on the pain and where on my body the pain is.

6. do you stand or sit in the shower or do you prefer baths/find bathing easier rather than showers?

i take baths for my muscles and during the damn monthly ouch in order to relax my body. i take showers just for my shoulders and when im feeling icky and wanna rinse off or something, i take showers on a "regular" basis and i normally stand because the only way i sit is if im crouched in the tub and if i do that i get extra dizzy standing up to get out when i turn the water off. thankfully im no longer near passing out when i take a shower but i still have to sit on the floor matt after because my legs demand rest. i gotta be careful with hot water cuz not only will it make me overheat quickly (i will not realize if in standing in blood-boiling hot water and turning myself into a cooked lobster until after im out) but it can also cause me to literally fall asleep in the bath which can go wrong.

7. do you have a sort of comfort item or safety blanket that helps you feel better, especially on the worst days?

a couple things. a few of them are stuffies/plushies, or music, games or books to help me keep my mind off it i suppose.

8. name 3 things you hate about hospitals/doctors/nurses/the medical system

a) a lot of them refuse to take people seriously or actually listen. sure maybe theyre tired or heard the same shtick before and wanna make sure this person isnt just a drug user trying to pity their way into getting more, but even then all matters a patient presents them with should still be taken seriously and never brushed off or mocked.

b) the fact that the er, the place you take a ticket and wait, is called the Emergency Room, when its normally scheduled appointments and people taken in by the ambulance that are top priority. sure its called the er because most visits through the er are rushed "emergency" last minute visits, people going there because they couldnt schedule an appointment and needed to see someone on that day, but still it feels wrong to call it the emergency room when its really just a waiting room and regardless of the visit they arent actually treated as emergencies. the whole system of just going to see a doctor feels messed up and most of the time you end up just going to see a nurse, get a check up and leave when they tell you what they got after a talk and examination or they schedule to see you again when a doctor is available. because of this i tend to prefer walk in clinics.

c) the fact that they charge to damn much, no matter if youre insured, it still charges so much. no matter what they do. and yeah, healthcare in canada is free to an extent if youre insured but a lot of times they charge more than your insurance can cover and not everyone can get/has insurance. not to mention the medical debt so many people have in america. i get that staff and hospitals need pay and funding but the government should have that covered and not have the patients charged so much for getting help. i almost got charged over 3k just for my short visit to the ward because there was an issue with my insurance and thats a whole angry story for another time.

9. whats an accessibility tool you wish was more accessible/that you had access to?

one of them is aac, the one i have on my phone i have to disconnect my phone to and has a limited amount of phrases i can pick from. id like it better if the app or just aac programs in general when directly to your device speaker by default, had more options for more ease conversing and none of them were behind a damn pay wall, in-app purchase or otherwise. i rarely use it for several reasons but i'd love if i could use it more with less limitations.

also wheelchair ramps. i dont have a wheelchair ramp but i wish people stopped walking on them when theyre clearly able-bodied, i wished my parents taught me and my siblings what the ramps were for and not to run up and down them as well as other parents to their kids because those things are supposed to be clear for a wheelchair user. i also think the corners should be rounded for ease of turning and that wheelchair accessible paths in general should be firm to the ground (not a wimpy matt on the sand that flips over and gets buried on the beach unmaintained), maintained and cleaned regularly, not have any gaps (ive seen so many of the small ones installed in doorways that have a height gap above the ground which causes trouble getting the wheelchair on the ramp let alone through the damn door) and not have railings made of metal if theyre outside (they can often reflect light into peoples eyes and get too hot to touch in the sun both of which are not good issues to have no matter how small they seem.)

those are at least the first to come to mind.

10. whats the worst accessability cockblock you've seen ableds do/make?

theres quite a few i've seen but atm nothing significant comes to mind other than overpricing mobility aids or placing paywalls in front of aids in general.

however there was the few times in more than one school i went to you had to go to the office, provide a 'valid' reason and ask them for a key to the elevator, otherwise they make you take the stairs. i know they do it because they dont want able-bodied kids messing with it n shit but its stupid, it should be accessible to everyone regardless. thank fuck both collages ive been to so far give free elevator use to any staff or student but in the schools i went to i was only allowed have the access key because i couldnt walk up the steps on my sprained/twisted ankle and i had to give it back at the end of every day. the last school even limited my use to just the morning or 1-2 periods that i had on the second floor. nevermind if my locker was up there.

11. whats an accessibility tool youre very thankful for?

screen readers. my little brother uses/used em more than me and i dont use them too often but im glad they exist in general i used them when i was younger and my english teachers gave us work on the computer, i used it like an audiobook and it helped me majorly. i hate that people dont always provide translations to things and make things harder on screen readers by using coloured, tiny, non-serif font-ed or 'quirked' text but ever since i was a kid i was just as happy they existed as i was about braille.

12. name 3 things you like about hospitals/docs/nurses/the medical system

a) that there are some people there who are actually hoping, willing and ready to listen and help others.

b) that they provide things for kids like toys in the waiting room, people who specialize in caring for kids in the hospital, some doctors even have their office decorated. one doctor i went to had her entire office winnie the pooh themed and it helped me out a lot when i got blood work done n stuff, it was really comforting to stare at pooh bear instead of the sharp pokey in my arm.

c) that things are usually kept quiet with low voices, as it reduces risk of overstimulation as well as avoids hurting anyones head and protects privacy of those talking about whats going on. voices are usually only raised to a normal talking level when in the privacy of a nurse or doctor office and its something i dont see really acknowledged anywhere.

13. do you have any favourite disability rep? (media or character)

not picking from my own sources, when it comes to physical disability rep, its hard for me to pick something that involves a realistic character because most of them arent very well portrayed or i cant personally relate to. i can list Freddy freeman as one, hes a crutch user and how the shazam movie portrayed him does well in expressing what ableism can be like for some visibly disabled kids in school. i could probably list some shows that handle disability well through other means if i thought of them, i know theres a few that handle it through super heros being disabled (the one spider-person who's got both a wheelchair and a cane from the recent spiderverse movie for example) or non-human characters having differences that are implied to be disabilities, and i adore that creativity, especially with showing disabled super heros as it tells disabled kids theyre still strong, not broken, they can still be cool and do great things just like able-bodied people. hard for me to name specific things off the top of my head though, guess i like specific tropes around disability rep more than anything. it helps normalize disability and thats what really makes me happy with it. (thats a big reason why i made @/your-fave-is-crippled)

14. least favourite/worst disability rep?

not phys disabled but sia's fucked up movie right off the bat still angers me. i cant name any specifics once again, normally if theres some rep that i dont like i purposely forget they exist to begin with, they arent worth remembering if they arent gonna do it right, y'know? id rather forget and move on than linger and rage about it if i can help it.

15. list some creators (youtubers/bloggers etc) that are disabled and/or cater to a disabled audience that you enjoy? (if any)

@crippled-pvp, @cripple-culture-is are a couple blogs i follow that i enjoy seeing on my dash (sorry if you dont want to be tagged!)

there was a deaf/hoh girl i used to frequent the content of as she talks a lot about signing and i really enjoyed her videos, shes such a sweet person but i never remembered her name nor any of the other creators i watched/followed. no one else comes to mind atm

16. favourite aspect about the general disabled community?

i like that there are people with advice at the ready, whatever question you have or info you need etc, theres always going to be someone with the words you need. i just like how helpful people can be in general in this community and how easily support is accessed through the community.

17. least favourite aspect about the general disabled community?

the fact that theres in-fighting, fake claiming, judgment, quick assumptions, and general internalized ableism still going on when we're supposed to be a community helping each other out not tearing each other down. im not just talking about the fight over "inclusion vs exclusion" on cripplepunk and other sub/separate communities in the disability community.

18. favourite aspect about cripplepunk?

i think my answer to "what drew you to cripplepunk" also answers this.

19. least favourite aspect about cripplepunk?

honestly? none. i hate the people forcing themselves into a space not meant to include them nor benefits them in the first place. i cant actually think of an issue i have with the cpunk community, only issues with people outside being upset over how "exclusive" it is because they want in.

20. free space:

feel free to ask me about any of my answers! i'll make a second post for the second ask game some other time. its currently 11pm and i have to get up early for morning classes yuck

[ID: banner reading "dni if... proship, transx/id, syscourse/discourse blog, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-lesboy/turigirl more in pinned rentry. this blog is protected by the addams family, the de rolo family and co." in all black lowercase text. It has a grey cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms with a cobweb in the top corner and symmetrically flipped on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina with the same cobweb in the bottom corner :End ID]

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i had sex for the first time and it was kind of a horrible experience. i was checking out a bdsm club for the first time and a man in his 50s invited me to check out a different (sex) club the next day and bc i genuinely, idiotically thought he just wanted to introduce me to the scene and show me around i went. at the club he bought me a couple drinks, we talked and then he took me to a private room and went down on me. i didnt say no bc i was drunk and curious, and im bad at saying no to people in general. i thought maybe it would be fun. i wasnt into it at all but felt too bad to let him know. i faked an orgasm and left after a while. as we parted he kissed my cheek and said he hopes we can be friends. drunk me told him of course we could. the next morning i was hit with the worst wave of self loathing ive ever felt in my life, as well as just general disgust and regret. i cannot believe my first time was with an old man i feel zero attraction to. i already knew im probably a lesbian, but still i keep trying to be with men and i dont know why. i guess my question is do you have advice on how to get over a sexual experience you regret? how do i come to terms with the fact that my first time was with someone i feel grossed out just thinking about? and was i taken advantage of? im in my early 20s, he didnt know i was a virgin (i active implied that im not), and i know if i had said no he wouldve stopped. i wasnt falling down drunk or anything. he didnt really do anything wrong. i feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. i just wish my first time had been with a woman. i wish i hadnt been so naive and stupid and i wish i hadnt gotten drunk. i know its not true but i feel like no woman will ever want me now. i cant even masturbate bc the idea of doing something sexual, even just alone, reminds me of him and what i let him do to me. how do i move on from this?

hi anon,

I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you.

in this case, I would say the way to make peace with a sexual experience you regret is to understand that you aren't responsible for what was done to you.

to answer your question - yes, you were absolutely taken advantage of, and this person very much did do something wrong! quite a lot of somethings! he made the choice to lure someone younger and less knowledgeable to a secondary location you weren't familiar with, get you drunk, isolate you, and pressure you into sex that you didn't give enthusiastic consent to. all of that is CLASSIC predatory, manipulative behavior and reflects on him - not you.

you mentioned that you feel stupid; PLEASE don't. people are pressured into unpleasant sex all the time, very often in the exact same way you were: being entrapped in a situation where going along with it was easier than saying no. it's vile! and none of those people are at fault!

listen: you need to be on your side about this. would you tell anyone else who experienced this that they're stupid and naive? I hope not. I really hope you can find the compassion you'd extend to any other friend in this situation to yourself, because you're going to be the #1 person getting yourself through this.

feeling bad and gross about what happened is fine; what happened was bad and gross. please let those feelings happen and care for yourself while they do, because those feelings need to be felt! just be conscientious about which feelings you're indulging. it's fine to feel betrayed, violated, regretful, angry, sad, even to mourn for a better first sexual experience you could have had! just make sure to gently nudge yourself back if those feelings start veering into the realm of feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. not only is it unhelpful, it's not even true!

it's very sad that your first sexual experience was with someone you didn't want who treated you the way he did. in the future, when you're ready, I hope you'll be able to pursue healthier, mutually pleasurable experiences on your own terms. don't rush yourself to get back to any kind of sexuality, masturbation included - a good long break while you sort through your feelings may be very needed. there's no timeline you need to be on to recover from this; please don't get down on yourself for taking the time and space you need. if you don't have anyone in person you feel able to talk with, looking up online support and resources for people who have experienced sexual assault may be beneficial.

also, hey, please don't play the game of trying to say you don't belong in survivor spaces or how this wasn't an assault because your belief that he would have stopped if you'd told him to (a very generous assumption!) or because you led him to believe you had more sexual experience or it could have been worse or whatever. the feelings you're experience in the aftermath are textbook of assault survivors; that means the resources are for you!

also hey. listen to me. look at me. if any woman tries to tell you that you are less worthy of lesbian love and companionship because you have had sex with a man. ESPECIALLY a man who was taking advantage of you. you are going to send me their address and I will personally attack them with a baseball bat.

[katkafe]

HELLO, IVE JUST FINISHED WATCHING WEDNESDAY

because i am the biggest dumbest nerd when it comes to the addams family: ive made a crappy list of why wednesday is everything i hoped for and more and why it is absolutely fucking perfect. spoilers.

im not entirely sure on how to start slow with this one so im getting right fucking into it. enjoy reading the disaster of my thoughts on this masterpiece:

AMAZING CASTING. jenna is incredible as wednesday, catherine and luiz are the perfect morticia and gomez, i adored seeing christina ricci KICKING ASS. gwendoline christie was amazing as weems, fred armisen as fester???? lost my shit he was so perfect. i don’t think there was a single cast member i wasn’t amazed with.

no genuinely i loved all of the nevermore students

fell in love w enid so fast omg i was rooting for her so hard her arc was so awesome (her and ajax are so cute too)

rip rowan you would’ve loved wenclair

THING!!!: its not the addams family without thing, and its especially not the addams family if thing isn’t being a little shit stirrer the whole time. perfect beautiful i love him A++ 

THE WEDNESDAY/PUGSLEY DYNAMIC WAS SO ON POINT they literally have the actual best sibling dynamic

i now know that you have not lived until you’ve seen wednesday addams stuck in a love triangle. she is not a character that you would expect to have a romantic interest but now in my mind she’s just beautifully a-spec and probably demiromantic. yes obviously i love xavier.

don’t get mad at me but i don’t ship her w enid that much?? at least not romantically but hey i would not complain if we had a polycule or qpr!!!

also it was genuinely so cute to see wednesday making friends like. why was i sobbing so much when she hugged enid. holy fuck.

THE DANCE SCENE. SHES AN ICON SHES A LEGEND AND SHE IS THE MOMENT

i am referring to both her actual dancing and ofc “they couldn’t even spring for real pigs blood. its only paint.” so real.

cant even stop myself from mentioning that jenna ortega looks very hot covered in blood which happens a lot in this series. like almost every episode. jesus fucking christ i am so in love with her.

i am a huge edgar allen poe nerd so i fucking adored every little reference to his works. also the idea that he was an outcast is so real to me.

speaking of outcasts: ngl definitely could’ve come up with a better name, “outcasts” just made it sound weirdly like some awkward teen high school drama but you get used to it

wednesday’s visions were so cool??? i loved the whole goody addams thing their interactions were really cool and god i just was not expecting that at all.

ok tbh it was really weird that her name was goody, since “goody” is the puritan equivalent of “mrs.” (its short for goodwife) so idk why they did that but ok i’m still here for it

honestly in general they do a really good job of keeping you guessing. i was suspicious about almost every single character throughout the whole series. 

in retrospect i should’ve known tyler was gonna be an asshole from the start cause. i mean. his name is tyler. no offense to my tylers, but be real when have you ever seen a tv show character named tyler that wasn’t a douche. i’ll wait.

i’ve typed tyler too many times and it no longer looks like a real name

episodes are nice and long but i obviously wish the series was longer, but it was super bingable and i’m probably gonna rewatch it 3 million times until the next season inevitably comes out.

not to be dorky but i loved how every episode title was a pun w the word “woe” 

i have really horrible media literacy in the sense that i overthink EVERYTHING so to me like almost everything in that was beautifully executed symbolism and maybe it was but when i say i lost my shit when i noticed wednesday stand on enid’s side of the room and fsr thats the only example i can think of rn BUT STILL

overall 5 stars 10/10 show i cant wait for more i love the plot i love the characters i love the cast i will be recommending it to everyone ik and more

[acaciapines]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

i was tagged by @snarky-wallflower and i love talking, lets go!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

70 total, but 5 of those are chara's! so under my name its 65.

2. What’s your total word count?

1,427,738.....

cannot wait to break 2 million w the owl house daemon au. lets go!! never stop!!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

whatever i'm into, but for fandoms i see myself continuing to write for in the near-ish future: deltarune and the owl house!

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

you're something special: my first kris-identity fic! i have mixed feelings on this one lol. you can tell its the first i wrote and i hadnt yet solidified my version of kris, tho i think this one probably fits better with canon. overall i like it though!

but then a bigger heart grew back: ooooooh i REALLY love this one. its postcanon owl house fic centering on hunter's grief over flapjack's death and his friendship with waffles!!! i wrote and posted it the DAY after the finale came out which is still really wild to me. its also the only fic ive seen that uses my favorite headcanon of 'hunter didnt carve waffles, she found him' which im so so fond of.

i hope your organs fail you (before i do): this was the first deltarune fic i wrote after chapter 2 came out!! the beginning of my deltarune spiral....its sort of a messy non-chronological look at deltarune's various routes and how kris might experiencing the game's multiple save files. also it has such a banger title. salt lake city by motherfolk is just banger after banger lyrics-wise

non-imaginary friends: god i hate that this is up here dkgjdfg i wrote it back when deltarune first came out and it SHOWS. i refuse to reread it but i think it's kris trying and failing to introduce the dark worlds to asriel. c'mon guys ive written so many better deltarune fics. blease. let this one rest in the past <3

we don't belong (but we're together): oooh, a warrior cats one! im....i mean, this one is like, fine, i guess. it follows hollyleaf and jayfeather in an au where the two of them flee through the tunnels. it has fun lore and i do like my oc pine but. man. its also the fic where i gave hollyleaf a power and if theres one thing i would change about my warriors au its that holly would NOT get a power. this is why i pre-write all my fics before posting now!

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes!! or at least i try my best to. i love and appreciate all my comments sometimes im just Bad at responding to them....i never know what to say beyond 'wow thank you' so sometimes i try to focus more on comments where i can actually say something of substance, yknow?

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh thats hard hmmmmmmm. i think i'd have to say it's and i want to tell you something-- which is a fic about kris & ralsei & the player/soul, where susie and noelle try to save kris from the soul, but both kris and ralsei know they cant survive without it. so in the end kris shatters the soul and is implied to die rather than keep being trapped.

its!!! certainly a time!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

hmmmm. i think most of my ending are pretty bittersweet so in terms of pure happy ending...gonna go for a deep cut here and say its my naddpod fic +1 dad in which moonshine meets lucanus when shes a kid and they hit it off and they get to have that father-daughter relationship from the start. bc lucanus is the BEST naddpod npc and oh my god he loves his daughter so so much you guys--

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i have a few times but its never been like, super major. the funniest time is. i deleted the comment so i dont have the exact wording but im pretty sure someone called me a fandom-deserting cur for. not writing more warrior cat fanfiction?

like what were they expecting. truly.

9. Do you write smut?

no im very aroace lol. i barely write romance.

10. Do you write crossovers?

i used to!!! i did the adventure zone crossed with both how to train your dragon and pokemon mystery dungeon: explorers of sky. i was a different person back then. i dont think i'd do it now, but. who knows.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no, but i HAVE had a fic pod-ficced which is still so amazing. like......woag. someone liked my fic enough to read the words out loud?????? huh????

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

not exactly co-written but both sometimes i think i left you just to see if i'd be missed and a buy one, get one free sort of friend were inspired by conversations i had with my friend @hyperfixations-go-brr! they would not have existed without those long discord chats. halloween festival will live on forever. synth my love.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

im not super into ships beyond like. basic 'oh thats fun' when reading but i WILL actually give the two im the most excited to write in my dess raises kris au someday:

noelle/susie/ralsei: YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME. like. this is an au where noelle basically replaces kris in the fun gang but not in the prophecy and dkjgdfg its about. this budding relationship. and ralsei clinging to the prophecy that doesnt want noelle here and susie who bucks against anything that acts like it knows what shes supposed to do and noelle struggling with the return of her sister and a world that wants to write her out of the story and all of them wanting to be there for their friends but ralsei is dealing with so so much and in the end she gets to throw off her chains and be free <3 noelle/susie/ralsei is so real in my heart.

dess/chara: literally the funniest queerplatonic relationship ever. theyre reluctant coparents. dess trusts chara with kris's life. chara would never ever let dess watch either frisk OR kris unsupervised. chara is 'i can fix you' to dess's 'im literally the most perfect wife in the world.' dess doesn't believe romantic love is a real thing people feel. chara puts xir kids above everything else. dess never asked to be a mother even though she literally kidnapped her best friends baby sibling. they get married for the tax benefits. they should absolutely get a divorce.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

oh god theres so many i would love to finish but its been so long i doubt i'll go back to them lol. the sequel to +1 dad that involves baby moonshine going to gladeholm. wall-e daemon au. gravity falls transcedence au daemon au. percy jackson daemon au. deltarune daemon au fangame.

as you can see its mostly various daemon aus. they were fun while they lasted! but ive moved on </3

16. What are your writing strengths?

pov you are me suddenly forgetting every single thing i have ever written.

i think im very good at writing otherkin or otherwise nonhuman characters. the comments that always bring me the most joy are those on my otherkin fics, by people who were able to see themselves in what i wrote--i think this is a thing that took me a lot of failed attempts to get just right and im really really proud of what i have.

im very good at writing daemon aus <3 there is sort of. an art to figuring out if one a work even needs daemons and two how daemons enhance or add to some aspect of the original work. theres a lot of things i like that i dont think really work with daemons but i always really enjoy figuring out how to add daemons and how to make my daemons like, characters in their own right, you know?

i like to think im good at dialogue and characterization! theres a few characters--kris and the collector, firefly to an extent--that im really proud of the voices i've made for them.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

fight scenes. fight scenes. oh my god i hate them so much they are SO HARD. stop making me put!! visual things!! in my text based medium!!!

really any scene that relies on having a strong idea of like, physical descriptions and sense of a place--i have aphantasia so having to describe scenery and landscape and just, anything really is always a struggle for me.

i also struggle with pacing, to an extent, especially across longer works (im looking at you, owl house daemon au)--knowing how long a plot arc needs to last and how to make it interesting still even when its going to be around for 600k+ words is a challenge and if the owl house daemon au was my first massive fic undertaking i dont think i'd be able to do it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

god im so bad at it but i really really am trying to be better--one big thing im going to focus on in my owl house daemon au edit is based on this because i want luz's identity to stick with her throughout the fic rather than it taking a backseat, but i am not a spanish speaker!! i know like, a LITTLE, but nowhere near enough to feel confident writing it.

so. its a time!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

warrior cats. and beyond just 'oh its the first fandom i posted fic for' no i was writing warrior cat fanfiction from the START. i was out there on the playground coming up with warrior cat ocs. i was printing this stuff out in the school library. i would hand-write fanfiction about my childhood cats becoming warrior cats and starting their own clan. i would roleplay warrior cats on my bedroom floor with pictures of cats i cut out of printer paper and bits of plastic folders i folded into triangles and write down the stories i came up with.

i was the most warrior cat kid to warrior cat kid. I Have Always Been This Way.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

ohhhhhh this is SUCH a tough question i have so many im so fond of, but i think i'm going to have to go with alterhuman. it's an animorphs fic about tobias post-canon and its an exploration of species identity and being a hawk and as a red-tailed hawk myself, a lot of it is deeply personal, a lot of it is my love letter to animorphs, and a lot of it is neffit, who is the best oc i have ever created, hands down.

as for tags, uh....anybody who wants to talk about their fics! even if we dont know each other!! go forth! ramble on about your own stuff for an hour!! truly so so fun.

also @wynterwulf7 and @mackerelgray and @hyperfixations-go-brr. obviously. <3 even if its about fic that isnt on ao3.

[phantalgia]

Another Day of Feeling Sick...

Perhaps I should just use dates as journal entries. I’m not sure. Every thing I post feels more like a journal entry than anything else.

Is this chronically ill or will this just pass? That's something that is taking up my mind right now. So I made the booboo of staying up late last night and part of that was working on that last post. I don’t know why I needed to. I could have canned it for later.

Good Afternoon

I woke up at around 1 pm or just before it. I went to bed late as hell and I have to be up tomorrow early for my ultrasound. I really don’t feel good this morning. Maybe not the worst. But I just don’t feel good. I’m nauseous, slightly feverish, my body feels very sensitive (I don’t know how to describe it), and a little shakey.

Again, Ive been stuck like this since surgery earlier in the year and I think it's an extention of the Long Covid and possible long term POTS Ive had before. I’m still reluctant to call it POTS, it's just I don’t have any other way of calling it. I don’t have an official diagnosis. Long Covid is a yes for sure.

And now with getting Covid again I don’t know what to think. My mind just keeps doubting how I feel. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some hours are good, some bad. It's driving me nuts.

I just keep wondering what if this just blows over? What would it all have been for?

I Can't Stand the Medical Industry

I really cant. I mean when I feel sick it's just kind of like Ive been through this song and dance for two years with no end or answers in sight. I have a basic understanding of how the medical industry has been shaped by capitalism. Essentially reducing humans to how effeciently can we get people back to work. Frankly, this entire system has not even been able to do that for me, ever.

I Never Worked

I never worked and never managed to get my diploma. It's a long story, but I couldn't do it. Being institutionalized for mental health issues hasn't produced any results for me. In fact, insurance didn't want to pay anymore so I had to leave in the middle of being in out-patient programs. At that point I was left to my own devices. Pretty much stewing in my own frustrations and angst.

I think now that these health things that have happened it became clear that whatever they diagnosed me with is not a complete picture. It feels that way for me.

Getting Tested

I was given a full psychological evaluation by probably the worst person you can think of. Essentially I was tested for ASD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety. It wasnt anything new. I was depressed and anxious. There was apparently a blip I guess you could say of ASD, but it wasn't enough to call it ASD, whatever that means.

And then finally I got lectured by this guy about how I probably need to be put in a "home" somewhere against my will. A place where I can finally reintegrate with society. I got asked what I was going to do if my Dad was gone. Essentially making me more nervous and scared. So, learned nothing new, a little blip of ASD, but it's not ASD, and get lectured and scared shitless for a few thousand dollars. Amazing...

Maybe Not ASD but ADHD and or OCD?

But what they didn't test me for was ADHD and OCD. A waste of like thousands of dollars. Because as soon as me and my psychatrist looked into ADHD and OCD, something started to become much more clearer. In fact, I kind of tested highly for ADHD and some OCD when I did a self assesment with him. I took that paper home and even did it twice to make sure I still felt the same way about my answers weeks just before my next visit.

But a lot of that was lining up with what was happening to me in school. Anxiety, trouble concentrating, obsession with perfection and proper study habits, a very fixed mindset, my mind would wonder, I couldn't focus by the time noon hit especially during math, I would pace around the house at home, my mind would just keep moving and moving non-stop.

Where I Stand Today

I pretty much self diagnosed myself as ADHD/OCD. Unfortunately I cant be medicated yet for reasons I have explained in prior posts. I think it's quite possible I may be on the Autism Spectrum as it's very hard to diagnose in adults from my own research and you need actual expertise and they can cost you a lot of money. I mean if I've been masking this entire time, of course I’m not going to "look" Autistic.

Obviously, that's an ableist way to put it. But the reality is we live in a very ableist society, there's no getting around that. If you don’t fit the "norm" you're left out of economic system and society at large. In a lot of ways to me, Good! I don’t want to be around you people and this economic system. You fuckers decide who gets to be called abled or disabled and even then it's still tearing us apart regardless!

We're going to have many more disabled people coming as Covid continues to cause mayhem and destruction. On team Red with Trump, they call it a hoax, just a flu, or tell you to drink bleach. On team Blue, they gaslight you by saying the pandemic is over. Which is sort of true, just that it's fucking endemic now. So it's two sides of the same coin of Covid denialism just to keep business as usual. And let me tell you:

COVID SHOULD HAVE BEEN EVIDENCE THAT CAPITALISM IS INCAPABLE OF RESPONDING TO CRISISES LIKE COVID. IT WILL CONTINUE TO DISABLE MORE WORKING PEOPLE. WE NEED AN ALTERNATIVE NOW!

That won’t happen, instead Covid became a culture war issue of course.

Anyway, that was a side rant. I'd love to talk about how Covid didnt become a tool to create class conciousness and instead became a culture war issue some other time.

ASD Makes Sense to Me But Also Doesn't

I don’t know, when I look at what accounts for ASD. I see a pattern. Some sentitivity to certain stimuli (especially water and groups of people and hugging), obsessions over interests, trouble with social cues, stimming, trouble responding to people's emotions. I don’t know, it just also doesn't make sense to me because I don’t have an issue with eye contact and I'm more able to respond to other's emotions. Maybe not too well and it gets overwhelming for me at times. But I do like to be around people that like to show some vulnerability. I think the opposite is just...oh don’t get me started XD.

Perhaps I’m not understanding the Autism Spectrum as concise as I can. I probably just butchered the entirety of what it is in the last paragraph but I don't know. I hate this desperation for answers to your woes. It's nuts. And I got other things to worry about that complicate it like...

My Physical Health Makes It Harder to Tell If I Have ADHD/OCD and or ASD

I mean I can't sit upright or concentrate generally, I’m fatigued by the end of a school day, get a throbbing headache. I mean it's nuts. So there was that in the mix of all of this. And if I do have dysautonomia or POTS then it would make sense why it feels like I have ADHD. You get adrenaline surges. But I also start stimming? I mean I stim a lot and pace and ruminate all the time non-stop.

The only way to really know is to have this holistic understanding of myself, look at each thing and see where they fit in the bigger picture that makes up me. I just want the peace of mind, the relief to know anything at all. Just nothing feels right. Mentally and physically. And it's making me lose my mind.

I Don’t Like Labels...*

There's a little weird paradox amidst all of this. I’m not too crazy about labels*. I'll let Alexander Avila take this away. It's a long video so maybe watch it when you can:

Really, the video just kind of says that labels, mental health, and maybe even disability in general is just a thing we call amidst a capitalist society. As with any society, there's new ways of reframing human phenomenon. Whether it be you were possesed by the holy spirit or affected by a chemical imbalance or told you may not work again because of a physical disability.

But there's a good point at the end...the labels are useful in modern context and are needed to get the care, what little there is, people need. So they're inescapable much like how capitalism feels inescapable.

I’m More Than Just a Label and Don’t Want to Be Reduced to It

So theyre useful, necessary even. And I may even crave them, especially in this moment. I can't really live without the labels because that's just how the system is designed right now. But I can at least acknowledge that I’m more than just my labels. I don’t want my labels to create a black and white world. I want the labels to make me feel empowered and get the agency I need.

Perhaps in another world...

Perhaps in another world we would acknowledge that everyone is different and may require different needs than others and we can get rid of this black and white thinking that comes with the moniker "disability". Where the disabled may be able to find where they can fit amongst the world and not be babied or treated as some pathetic class of people. This, in my mind can only be done under some form of libertarian socialist model. It just can't be done in any other way.

Libertarian socialism would free each individual and each will be able to realize their fullest potential and get the assistance they need to fully understand themselves and their needs. They will mingle amongst their minds, connect with their bodies, and connect with others and communicate in ways never before imagined.

Healthcare wouldn't be reduced to black and white thinking, and production and turned into a real system of care and humanity and a sense of belonging. It would go along with the individual in their journey of self discovery as the healthcare system learns itself at the same time.

The disabled individual would be free to decide how they can and can't work or participate in how they see fit. They would get the assistance they need from the community, the creative ideas from them, and feel like they're a proper member of the community.

The disabled individual would neither be seen as pathetic or as some "poster boy" of inspiration when they "go against all odds". They would just be like everyone else, a human being with unique needs. They will retain the autonomy they need as much as anyone else.

Final Thoughts

I don’t know what's going on with me yet or if there will be an end in sight for me. I don’t know what's going on with me mentally and probably won’t because of how expensive it is to know. But I can say is I just don’t want to live in this type of world anymore. I want a better one that sees me as human.

I think I'll meet people eventually where we can get together and help each other out and find out how we can live amongst the chaos. I have faith. I have faith in anyone reading this that you too may find that place and the right people who have the same mindset.

We're in this together, we'll find our way, we'll do our best...

[whoreishghost]

i am like Not able to eat basically at all rn and this has beem ongoing for like 3-4 ish weeks now. in the first 2 weeks i cld eat a bit more but still like rlly way way too little and when i had my adhd review i was pretty surprised i had acc gained a bit of weight so i just sort of brushed off the not eating as me misremembering how much ive eaten. but now i like, am basically on a liquid only diet (and i cant drink anything thicker ? ig than like a diet coke bc that also makes me feel sick, tried having a milkshake at one point and i felt soooooo bad) bc 1 i like just dont get hungry at all, and 2 even if i feel ig the closest thing to describe wld be peckish (like im craving a specific flavour or texture) by the time i start eating it i rlly rlly do not want to be and its like, u know when ur so full its like hard to chew and u just want to spit the food out? like that. ive been trying very hard to like force myself thru this by like letting myself eat and buy whatever food i want at literally any time of day bc while it is expensive ive lost kind of a lot of weight v quickly (tw ed: this is about as much as id lose in a month whilst restricting v heavily in just under than 2 weeks). its worked to a degree but honestly im mostly just wasting food and honestly money, and whenever i do manage to eat a bit, itll be like 1 small size serving of poke (currently the only food that has been tolerated even slightly, ig maybe bc it has a "fresh" flavour? idk) eaten over the course or 5-6 hours bc i cldnt eat it faster than that which even then was not rlly tolerated bc i felt fucking disgusting physically, and then basically anything else (eg a genuinely really nice tasting stew my wife made, a mozzarella and avocado sandwich, just an avocado w salt, pasta, etc) makes me so nauseous and uncomfortable that i have to go force myself to throw up right after ive eaten to not literally be in hell for like 8-9 hours (i have an extremely low tolerance for managing nausea and the amazing ability to basically never throw up ever by myself hence the "forcing myself" which yes bad but also i refuse to be regurgitating and getting acid reflux whilst in pain for that whole day because i tried to eat smthn). i originally thought it was probably psychological bc ive been doing v v badly and to a degree it is (i cba to cook or eat rlly) but even when i have the food to eat i cant do it then either? idrk what to do, i have brought it up to drs multiple times who just tell me its poor mental health management and imply i need to ig "try harder". theres also the fact that it is v triggering for my disordered eating brain bc i am unintentionally restricting a lot and i am losing a lot of weight and its been v difficult not to just spiral down that sort of thought process into just not eating at all. feeling kind of like this is either gna randomly stop at some point and itll just be a confusing period of my life or im going to get v v unwell without support and be blamed for it

[myinnerocean]

07.February 2024

Hello. Here i am again.

First i wanna say thank you for the words in your last post. I saved your words extra on my phone. They touched me and made me feel better. It didnt sound like dumb motivational shit, it sounded smart. And i will try to remember.

Those times are weird and lately i feel overwhelmed handling myself. Mostly i dont feel anything at all. I used to say im a cry baby but ive realized some months ago that i just dont cry anymore. I didnt cry in months, instead i feel nothing all the time and that just sucks as much.

Last weekend something happened that made me really sad again, which has to do with my sex struggles lol , i think ive told at some point about it. However, i am stuggling since a long time then and long story short i wanted to try again and ended up feeling fear, tension and cried after it. So it made me sad again and i hate myself for that, because it has nothing to do with Lars. Ugh. I just said sorry to him and didnt want to talk about it.

On monday i went to my doctos and got me a krankmeldung for the whole week because of depression shit. Ive been thinking about that for the last months, but then actually went to work. But my last shifts were kinda awful. I cant concentrate, i am always somewhere else in my head and i feel like everything is too much. That why i decided to just call in sick this week.

Now is wednesday which means tomorrow is thursday. On Thursday ive got my therapy appointment and i look forward to it. Dont worry, i would not stop going there. Even though it can be scary, i started to like her and shes the only person bringing a little bit of sense into my mind stuff. She wants me to go to a stationary treatment and waits for my green light lol. The waiting list is months long anyway, but because i would have to open up at work about it, i didnt decide for it yet.

Last week she also said it would be probably better if i come twice a week, because i need some time to get warm in sessions and i think it would be good to. We will see if i will have the strength to communicate that tomorrow lol, i just hope she gets back to that so i can just say oki hahah.

So ye, thats the update. I wanna do all the things you do too Joi, i really do. I just dont have the energy atm. I cant even organize the littelst shit atm. My flat is a mess, every grocery shopping feels like a bootcamp and i just feel like laying and rotting away. It kinda sucks right now and idk how to get out of it. The only times i feel better is at the weekend, when i do party and drugs. IK thats not okay and contra produktive, but if it werent for it, i would really rot away. Im trying.

[salaciousslut]

tumblr sucks for that</3

Is that right, sweetheart? That makes me happy<3 I understand completely, truth be told sometimes when im at work i come on here just to see if you've posted 🤭 i like talking to you a lot too so!! I sometimes worry im doing too much with how often ive sent messages🫣 i like how you keep calling me handsome<3

And im writing down the meds you got with you, like i like to be the person ppl go to for help so the meds would definitely be good to have on me! I also have pretty dry eyes, probably for different reasons tho 🤭 like i do need a bottle of eyedrops on me all the time just in case

I'd be more than happy to protect you from stupid men. Its cute that we're both the protective type when it comes to our friends. If my friends just vaguely look disgusted by a guy i'll start to make him uncomfortable, im a dick when it comes to men, i attack their masculinity bc i know they feel threatened by mine. One day that might get me in a tricky situation but for now, im not stopping. And i dont doubt its been like wayyy too many times, men are dumb. But im also a bit of a misandrist so dont listen to me too hard 🫣

Poor puppy, brain hurts from having to think real hard all day</3 Youve been real good, i know you have<33 your handsome butch can make sure you dont have to think for a little while<3

You are so cute<3 its funny that youre more like me than i thought you were, im not really surprised though!! Youve always seemed like such a kind person🥰

yeah 🥺 honestly i sometimes will check when im at school too! just excuse myself to the restroom and turn my brightness all the way down to see if youve replied to me☺️ plus i love ur messages!! remember im a yapper and i love talking hehe

i call u handsome because you are handsome!!! and its more than just appearances too!! i can tell youre such a softie and a sweetheart!!

nonono i am the same way!! if my friends are giving someone a weird look, i have no shame in doing whatever it takes to make them leave!! so id definitely know where youre coming from!! plus men are stupid and cant take a hint so you just have to be brutally honest and absurdly unhinged for them to see that its not worth it!!

hehe youre sooo masculine babe!! so handsome and stunning and amazing!!! and youre sooo strong and cool and just amazing 🥰☺️😌

hehe i am a poor puppy!! come help me relax and unwind please!!! i have a lot of energy so i hope its okay if i have a bit of the zoomies 🫣

yes we are very similar its crazy!!! how has your night been? any fun plans? or are u just taking it easy!! omg also im burning my yuzu candle and thinking of you hehe

[sydneyshipsstuff]

answering both of the recent tag games in one since im lazy (so scroll for the questions below the bingo)

tagged by @professional-benaddict (sorry for responding so late lol) and because i dont have too many mutuals, tagging anyone who sees it & wants to do it!

I chose my baby Spider-Man/Peter Parkee, with a focus on the starker fandom!

1. How did you discover your fave?

spider-man movies -> video edits on insta/tiktok -> irondad fanfics on wattpad -> ao3 -> looking at starker in disgust -> becoming a part of the fandom

2. How long have you been a fan of your fave?

since homecoming! when it first came out but it took me a while to start interacting with the fandom

3. Do you write for your fave? (E.g. AU's, Drabbles, Fan Fics.)

sorta! i don't actively write, just kinda drabble sometimes and i mostly dont post that, plus helping others write, i do have drafts that have been in my docs for years though

4. Do you like what is canon about your fave?

i do but i feel bad for him! poor guy has nobody :((, but before endgame i was in love with canon.

5. Tell some of your headcanons of your fave.

•his spider abilities on top of the originals like purring, cant have peppermint, hibernates, etc

•his love of animals, always stopping on patrols to say hi to them or trying to keep the strays he finss

•being worthy of mjolnir and picking it up without knowing the significance

•that he worms his way into the hearts of everyone he meets

6. Do you draw for your fave? (E.g. Fan Art)

no i dont, but i love seeing others fan art obviously!

7. If your fave/s are portrayed by several actors, who are your fave portrayers?

basic, ik, but tommy.

8. Are you more into Books/ Comics/Films when it comes to your fave?

mostly the fanfics then anything, but the movies and comics are so entertaining.

9. Quote anything about what your fave has said.

this ones weird but when i went to new york i went out of my way to go to moma because of him mentioning it to tony

10. Quote your favourite line of your fave!

basic but the "When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you." because even though its sad/semi unhealthy to put that pressure on yourself, i relate to it in a way and uphold myself to helping whenever i can.

11. Ever made a edit for/of your fave?

i dont think so? maybe photos but that would have been a while ago

12. Songs you associate with your fave?

anything to do w new york really

13. If your fave was real, do you think they'd like you?

i think so, if we meant in a natural way lolol, i try to be social and i think id be able to joke with him

14. Amongst your fave/s who do you think are you? (E.g. You have 5 faves, amongst the 5 of them you think of yourself as fave no.3)

skipping because i only am answering for the one

15. Do you know your fave origin story?

yes i doo, radioactive spider bite, yada yada, parents dead, yada yada, uncle shot, rip, grew up in queens & stayed there

16. In 1 word describe your fave’s aesthetic.

akward

17. Is/Are your fave/s famous on A03?

yes very much, but mostly for irondad

18. Ships that you like with your fave?

i do like irondad if thats even considered a ship, peter w tony, harley, steve, stephen, and bucky, either seperate or at the same time, and im open to other pairings too

19. Is/Are your fave/s well known?

yes very well

20. If your fave/s have a fandom, what do you think about the fandom?

i like them, idk if theyd like me now that ive gone to the dark side lol

21. Describe yourself using something your faves have said

oops kinda did this already for another question but, "I am Responsible. I…Oh crap. My backpack’s gone." I try to be responsible but i am very clumsy and forgetful lol, and i do a lot of stupid shit

22. If you would feed your fave/s something, what would it be?

as big of a meal as i could possibly make, very carby, probably pasta, get some meat on those bones and feed the super apetite

23. How do you see yourself in any of your fave/s?

i see the optimism/ akwardness in myseld as well, we are semi-close in age so i think that contributes to it

24. Ever taken a break from your fave/s?

sorta, it was very short and it was mostly in between going from irondad to starker as well as small breaks i took from everything lol

25. If your fave/s were to have a crossover, who and which character would they have a crossover with?

well they did have one with stephen and the other spidermen but i think it would be cool to see him really interacting w the women of marvel, aka kate, yelena or natasha (also rip), pepper, captain marvel, america chavez, etc.

[goldenlikedaylight013]

Glimpse of Us

pairing: charles leclerc x reader

summary: im not good with summarys so ill not do one. read the a/n to understand the story better.

warnings:angst and not feeling loved

a/n: i am quite excited about this one even though is not as long as i wanted it to be. i love angst so much and after i read  @hey-kae ‘s fanfic called “secrets he’ll keep” (go check it, i cried a lot) i got extremely inspired to write. this is base on a joji’s song called “glimpse of us” bc that is some amazing music and i cant stop listening to it. also, im still learning how to write stories so please tell what you think so i can improve and english is not my first language so if you see any errors lmk :).

you and charles had been dating for a while now. you have been best friends since your teenage years. you really knew and cared about each other so, after the most awful breakup of your life, charles was the one to console you. that was also when he confessed his feelings for you, feelings that had been bottled up inside his chest ever since he met you and, after seeing you in such a painful state, he couldn't suppress those feelings anymore, he couldn't just sit there and wait for another jerk to break your heart again.

after that you found yourself in such a sensitive state that you just decided to receive his love and not fight against it. charles didn't know that. charles didn't have to know that.

it was not like you didn't love him, you indeed did, it was just a different kind of love and, after trying and trying, you just couldn't make yourself love him the way he loved you.

you were in his apartment, laying on the couch while he was in the kitchen grabbing a snack. this was a part of your routine now, going to his apartment so you wouldn't be left alone with your own thoughts but, here you were thinking about how you used to go to your ex boyfriend’s house just to be with him. charles never liked him, now you kind of know why. he used to say that he didn't deserve you, that  he was no good for you, and that was all true, you knew that but, still, you loved him.

charles sits beside you on the couch taking you out of your pondering. he smiles at you while coming closer. you give him your best fake smile but, that's not enough to fool him.after that you realize he backed off a little, not sitting as close to you as he usually does. “charles…” you start being immediately interrupted  by him “no, y/n. im not stupid, i know you dont love me” charles begins “i've tried to pretend that i don't see it, ive tried to pretend that you actually want to be with me but i cant keep fooling myself” he continues as tears start to stream down his face. you try to come closer to hug him but he just backs off “please don't do this to me, y/n. please stop pretending like you care about me when you're only thinking about yourself” now you are the one crying. the idea of hurting charles made you feel disgusted about yourself. “ i'm so sorry…” tears and more tears from the both of you “...i can't love you as you want me to…i truly don't know why and i can't change how i feel, i've tried and i've failed…im so sorry,charlie.” charles didn't stop you this time, he just sat there crying in silence. “i can't love anyone else,y/n i only love you” he said, breaking the silence. “charles…” “please, don't say anything else” after a moment of silence he stands up “would you like me to take you home?” he asks, not looking at you “yes, please” you say while trying to stop crying. after that nothing more is said. he drives you home, you leave the car and he goes back to his apartment. no goodbyes, no kisses, no hugs, no talking, just a painful silence and probably the last time you'll see each other. that was exactly what charles most feared, the end of you.

[mrsswaino]

sinful.

frank castle x f!reader.

warnings : 18+, smut, penetration, blood, canon level violence, dark(?).

firstly, what should i do for 200 followers? i wanna know what y’all want cause i didnt do anything for 100 so like lmk. i actually cant tell yall how happy i am yall like what ive been putting out! thank you so much for the support. but anyways - i cant really explain myself. just another high thought. not proofread.

neither you nor frank knew how you ended up here.

well actually, it could be lines being blurred because its just been you two really. but the server at the diner down the street insists you act like a married couple. even when he took you to meet curtis he made a comment. there was absolutely no denying frank castle cared about you. beyond the extent of his ‘mission’.

it just couldn't help but show. in the way after hes half dead, he still looks at the bar turned battlefield to hopefully locate you in one piece. and when he lays eyes on you giving him a smirk from behind the counter, hes killing the guy in front of him on instinct. he was about to do the same to the guy heading towards the counter, until you're stabbing him in the neck yourself.

being covered in blood and gunshot residue was basically the comfort zone. not you being trapped in eachothers arms, and tasting each others lips. but this was probably dumb, anyone could walk in and try to kill you both right now, because you find yourselves dropping your weapons and against a wall of that bar. but maybe it was adrenaline that made you want to taste the blood on his lips.

it feels like it was all building up to this though, right? it can't just all be adrenaline, right? it almost feels like its acceptance. an acceptance of sins, the spilling of blood you both cause, or lust maybe. its kind of hard to focus on what it all means when his lips are on yours, and you're definitely smearing blood all over his face and neck.

when his lips detach from yours though youre being turned against the wall, and you can feel his breath on your neck. he halts though, almost as if hes waiting for a sign of disapproval as if you weren't just practically begging against his lips seconds ago. without a thought youre grinding yourself against him, before his hands are gripping your hips to cease the movement.

in a moment you're virtually thrown onto the counter you were hiding behind not too long ago. subsequently, the hands on your hips are jerking your pants, and panties down your thighs. almost instantaneously youre hearing a zipper, and feeling a calloused hand in between your thighs.

“fuckin’ soaked” frank mutters, rubbing rough circles on your clit.

frank finds you bucking your hips in impatience quite cute. but also cant stop himself from bringing a hand to the middle of your back to stop your squirming, and lining himself up with your cunt. you get no time to be impatient, because hes abruptly bottoming out.

he was truly just as needy as you were, and it showed in his rough thrusts and grunts. the hand on your back is moving to your tit, before effectively pulling your back to his chest.

“this what ya’ want?” frank questions.

you can barley register what hes saying with the way hes pounding into you, let alone respond with a cohesive answer, opting to just moan and grab his wrist in response.

“want m’to make ya’ cum?” he questions, bringing his hand up to your neck.

you just try to nod, but hes clearly not happy with that from the slap you feel on your ass. finally you get a strangled yes out, before his hand is making its way between your thighs again. and of course, almost as soon as he starts making those rough circles again, hes finding out the perfect angle to make you see stars.

you probably shouldnt be enjoying this as much as you are. its just all so sinful. the hand between your thigh. the needy rough thrusts. the hand around your neck. the blood being smeared all over. the winces from accidently grazin each others injuries. its just all so wrong. but it feels so good.

you try matching franks thrust, yet you cant keep it up long because you feel like you're standing on jelly with the way frank has you shaking. now all you can do is depend on frank to hold you up, and make a mess of you.

and he plans to. youre not getting out of his grip until youre spewin nothin but nonsense and his name. you swear youre not far from it already, the only thing grounding you is clawing at his wrist, while you mutter a breathless please.

“gonna make a fuckin mess outta ya’.”

[karamazovdmitri]

What Russian movies would you recommend?

oh my god where to even start!! i really love soviet cinema so this is most of what i will suggest probably (im kind of meh on most recent mainstream russian cinema, even tho it has great pieces of guilty pleasure movies lmao) alright so settle in well okay lets start with the classics: andrei tarkovsky is my favorite filmmaker, literally anything and everything by him (just dont watch nostalghia first, but i highly recommend the mirror, stalker, solaris if you like SF, or hell even andrei rublev if thats your jam bc personally it is and i LOVED), very contemplative and slow movies though, like. you will need patience to get through his stuff, but personally i always say it feels like someone recorded a dream and you're watching that. it feels really oniric and its like you dont exactly grasp it all and when you try to explain it you cant really but good god its good

then! i will recommend one of my all-time favorite movies, and i mean it, of ALL times, the ascent by larisa shepitko. its about two soldiers during wwii who are sent off to find food, and its one of those war movies that arent really war movies you know but they are about it, and moreso, they're about like Humanity™? anyway one of the most haunting, beautiful and devastating movies i've seen ever. just beautiful in the cinematography, in the acting, in just everything honestly, its raw and profoundly human and also if youre like me and youre all about that religious symbolism? youre in for a... sad sad treat, but a treat nonetheless. it really like. got me deep like i didnt know what to do with myself after watching it but its a masterpiece 10000% (also while im there... also watch larisa sheptiko's other movie, wings)

now another classic is of course the cranes are flying, everyone knows but i need to reiterate it really lives up to the hype... just. some of the most beautiful cinnamon tography ive seen ever. like ill be honest even if i love cinematography in general i rarely go look up a cinematographer specifically but for this movie i HAD to bc some camera shots are INSANE. just one of the most gorgeous movies ive seen ever

if we're still going about aesthetic bc why not... if you liked hamlet by shakespeare, you HAVE to see the 1964 Hamlet movie its sooo gorgeous and such a good adaptation in my opinion like i just think this movie understands EVERYTHING about the essence of the play

now the next one i wouldnt necessarily put on the same scale as the others but good god is it a good watch, and its ballad of a soldier yes its another classic idc the soviet classics arent classics for nothing. this one is a really nice watch. just felt..... really nice and once again war movie thats not really showing you the war itself, i dig this hardcore

okay also ! not soviet lmfao but HUGE mention to alexander sokurov, you probably know of russian ark, if you dont, its not only a fucking prowess of cinematography, its basically one single continous shot for the entire movie and not like. a fake one like 1917 -tho dont get me wrong, loved what 1917 did-, like its deadass. press record, do the entire fucking movie, press stop. its INSANE and its BEAUTIFUL and im in love with sokurov's style, not as well known but i also loved francofonia, tho its a lot more experimental imo and is more documentary than movie, but also not documentary per se, i guess an essay of sorts, kind of confusing but i enjoyed it

i could not do this without of course mentioning one of my comfort movies™, which is я шагаю по мосве (translated as different things, like walking the streets of moscow or i walk around moscow) just a short and really sweet and light movie about . life i guess. LMAO its vague but theres really no real plot in there just a good time and very genuine and also has one of my favorite final scenes ever quick special mentions: courier, which was not my favorite but a really good movie still and it gets me bc its 1980s russia aka my jam, crime and punishment 1970 IF youve read C&P bc umm its an entire vibe, and remember when i said modern russian cinema guilty pleasure? okay well i rewatched движение вверх recently and like. it still slaps. if youre wondering (???) i need you to know i havent watched a zvyaginstev movie since i was like 16 so i dont have a concrete opinion on his stuff lmao)

sorry i wrote like SO fucking much but jaksfbajfbajsfh i hope this can provide you with some stuff of interests and btw a lot of these movies can be found with russian film hub, which basically like searches youtube and whatnot for you since mosfilm are actually pretty cool and do put their movies online