what I say: I’m fine
what I mean: in Avatar: The Last Airbender, the ending theme is a sort of positive foreshadowing that follows you throughout the whole show until, in S3E13 The Firebending Masters, you find out that it’s the rythm to the dancing dragon which Aang and Zuko work through together. In that moment, the show makes you fully realize just how much Zuko was destined from the start to be part of Aang’s support and so much more than what he seemed early on in the show. The ending/dancing dragon theme was there from the beginning to hint that the show was not only about Good vs Bad, but that it was also a story about redemption and about how Zuko would have his own part to play but only after he’d gone through his own journey separate from that of a classic villain character chasing after the main protagonist. In this essay I will-
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thinking about how eiji's a pole vaulter and how ash talks about eiji "flying" and how eiji's associated with bird imagery and how eiji's free (unlike ash) and how eiji comes in on a plane and leaves on a plane and how ash cannot fly, ash cannot be free, how nyc is ash's prison, and how ash is the leopard who dies climbing the mountain, unable to live at such elevation, how he was trying to reach the sky and be free but was always stuck to the earth, how he chose to die instead of climbing back down, how he chose to die where he could see the sky and hope and freedom almost like a bird with eiji's letter right in front of him rather than letting everything go wrong and ruin it once again, how eiji's a failed pole vaulter anyway, how a bad fall ruined his career and grounded him (physically and emotionally), how it took flying to america and meeting ash and needing to save him and skip for him to try flying again, how he landed hard and harsh and still the thought of that escape compelled ash to protect eiji at all costs because if he could fly that means something to him, even if he doesn't think he can fly, how eiji is the manifestation of his hope and how when he breaks and asks eiji to stay with him a while he folds himself over his legs and weighs him down and traps him and grounds him, how ash fights like hell to keep eiji alive not because he thinks he can be like him (hopeful, flying, innocent), but because he makes him forget the gravity of his situation, and so he can see eiji fly again. how he wants to see him escape. how eiji is a bird and ash is a wildcat and how ash never once saw eiji as prey. how eiji never saw ash as a predator. how it is eiji's naivete that first endears ash to him, how it is his freedom and flight and removal from darkness and his ability to leave that darkness that really roots eiji in ash's blood as something essential to him keeping on living in this hell of nyc. how it is that distance from the violence and that hope for the future that ash chooses to surround himself in as he dies. how ash dies in a dream because he feels more than anything that he can't fly like eiji, that he can never leave. how his violence is a part of him and will be forever, how it weighs him down. how he wants to enjoy the view from the mountainside rather than looking up from the ground below. as if they can both fly. as if he is with him up there and not grounded. eye-to-eye with what he can't have, seeing eiji's homeland: the sky. how he dies trying to reach the top because he couldn't take retreating and trying again. how ash, tired and tired and tired and convinced it will go on forever if he crawls back down the mountain, chooses to close his life deluged in eiji, in eiji's insistence that they can fly together, in eiji's hope for him and for them, in eiji's beautiful dream. how ash dies without trying to realize that dream. how ash, in dying, destroys it.
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i want to know about the extreme outlier opinion on never again!
ooh, thank you for your interest and I hope I don't get myself in trouble with this lol!
So this opinion is in multiple parts.
The first part being the one most unpopular, which is that Ed Jerse was not to only man who was not Mulder that Scully, that Dana had a night or a mini fling with between Jack Willis and/or then getting assigned to the X files and when MSR got together (whenever you believe that might be), and probably not the only dangerous one to some degree.
She's got that thrill seeker side to her, which is to some extent satisfied by chasing Mulder around on the X files. But Mulder keeps her in a sexless box in his perceptions -- IMO this is partially self defense on his part because if he lets himself go there even a bit in thinking of her dating potential/as a potential romantic-sexual partner his already limited ability to hold onto any kind of boundaries would just collapse. And I don't think this sexless view of her is at odds with my belief that Mulder was in love with her within a few months of working with her and knew it, but he doesn't think he deserves a relationship like that and more importantly he doesn't think Scully wants a relationship like that with him, or maybe not with anyone at all because she's given up dating completely after Jersey Devil, and what they talk about is work and theory and science and case notes and things within the kind of fixed shadow of their partnership/the files. Thus he's got this view of her that's completely divorced from her hedonistic, risk taking, rebellious, attention seeking, obsessive side.
I believe her ruthlessly compartmentalized nature and her constant awareness of other people's expectations of her, especially the expectations of people in authority or pseudo authority combined with a need for a release valve and a clear thread of sensualism in her character make it highly likely that there were other times when she picked a near-stranger and acted out a role with him, letting herself act out parts of herself she doesn't often express and using him as a proxy for her conflicted and/or baser feelings towards the Ahabs and 'fathers' in her life in a very limited capacity that is both satisfyingly dangerous (near stranger, almost certainly someone she doesn't really trust or want to get to know, after all she's not looking for a real and lasting relationship) and very safe because she can just stop playing that character and stop seeing that man and he won't even have ever 'met' the person she is the majority of the time.
I don't think she does it a lot, but by 'never again' it had been 4ish very high stress years with Mulder and 5ish years since Jack Willis, which, since Ethan didn't make it into the Pilot, was her last relationship, so yes. Maybe once or twice a year there's a bit of an 'i'm crawling out of my skin i need to tempt fate' ritual. And since we see so little of their personal lives, not hearing about it doesn't rule it out, the reason we saw this time because it was such a disaster and became another X-file -- and because Jerse was so dangerous and violent, and because Mulder found out about it, that particular game stopped being interesting even in a self destructive way. Plus very soon she would realize she had cancer and would take stock of her life in a different way and get closer to Mulder on another level so there was less of a need for a pressure valve rebellion.
And I don't think that this idea cheapens her relationship with Mulder or means she was cheating on him if that did happen, because it would be about simple attraction and being not 'herself' and also a proxy thing for her feelings and frustrations about Mulder that she's too afraid of tarnishing his image of her to let him into directly. And if it would make Scully's jealousy of Mulder interacting closely with other women hypocritical, well, she's certainly allowed to be a flawed character and is shown to have double standards about a number of things.
Part 2 of my outlier opinion is that Ed Jerse isn't out of character for Dana. Going back to Jack again, instead of believing in possession, she thought he'd had a mental break after years of obsessive work and mutilated a cadaver and killed a guy and she was not surprised at all. She had a fairly long relationship with him while believing he had that level of instability and violence in him when pushed. That means Jerse lines up for her.
part 3 of my outlier opinion (I guess it is, I don't see it talked about directly afaik) is that the story is dark as fuck with Jerse and his ergot psychosis but at the same time the tone is not horror-bleak the way Blood is and many s2/s3 with similar types of plots, but more extremely darkly ironic or wry. Between Mulder in Graceland and the extended Rocky and Bullwinkle plot discussion, and the fact that all it takes is a divorce and an Evil!Rosie the Riveter tattoo to push this guy over the edge there's this air of like, pulp noir mundane and ridiculousness. Fandom generally treats it as this like this profound statement about Mulder and Scully's relationship and Mulder's selfishness and thoughtlessness and if he just brought her a bottle of wine and asked about her day a la Van Blunht in Small Potatoes she could've been flinging that fling with him. Except, no, she couldn't use him as his own proxy, so she'd have to crack herself open a lot more than she was ready to. But also it's a story about both of them spinning their wheels and not getting anywhere and ending up feeling dumb, it's absurdist, it's a comment that neither character is smarter than their narrative, it's not a statement about a fractured partnership.
Part 4 is a little more out there and whatever but I do think Mulder's reaction is interesting. He's obviously hurt and completely baffled because he can tell Scully's given him very little of the actual framing of her distress and because 'i'm bored at my job' is both hurtful to him and something he can't conceptualize as leading to 'so i'll have a one night stand with a violent man' -- because that isn't her complaint, it's just what he heard. But in that last scene he doesn't read as angry or jealous, even the hurt doesn't exactly read as sexual jealousy. He's confused, he doesn't know what she wants, and he gets in some cheap shots with his annoyed. But there's an interesting tone to it. Maybe i'm reading too much in. I think there's a combination of trying to laugh it off/brush it off because he can tell she's feeling too exposed, and aside from the 'was the professional dissatisfaction worth all this??' he was curious. He'd caught a glimpse of the barest silhouette of her wild child side.
like a combination of 'so you slipped off your pedestal and bounced a little, so your halo got dented, so what' (paternalistic, dismissive, kidding) (reassuring) and 'oh, so she's a little like that? what else does she like? can a person get her like that without actually being on the verge of snapping?' He knows about Willis and Jerse now. It's more than one, and Willis is now certainly not a fluke. He's got to be sure there's some fascinating things brewing in her subconscious, and he's got the idea that her sexual side is one part girlish wounded bird, one part manic live wire, and one part intellectual 3D chess. He's curious about what that means for him and them. Curious about what she might be willing to do with him now that he's been reminded she'll do it with other people. He's even optimistic, I think, about what he could coax from her.
Probably also reminded to be cautious about what entanglements with him that he could accidentally 'manipulate' her into with some of his more demanding behavior, though. But like, even though they're both feeling bitter at that moment i do feel like there's a 'positive' in the kind of colliding worlds event of the episode in Mulder being reminded of Scully being a human woman with a carnal side.
And that is... I think the bulk of what I wanted to talk about re: NA? I think? My brain feels overcooked now. But I rewatched it to refresh my memory (i'm now in s5) but I stand by this. And also I think I need to break my custom and do post-episode fic about it, honestly.
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