#you can be sad‚ you can feel hopeless‚ you can feel unlovable‚ but it doesn't change the fact that you are necessary & wanted.

[missingkittyfan]

YANDERE BARISTA OC X GN READER

warnings: yandere themes, mention of death (the loss of a family member), mentions of depressive episodes, obsessive thoughts, unhealthy mindset

Aaron let out a quiet sigh as he prepared the coffee for the customer, tiredly looking at the glass window - it's been a stressful day so far since he's been dealing with grouchy, unreasonable customers. Getting complaints about their drink not being done right even though he does it by order, making sure the ingredients are correct. He wished this shift could be over already, not really wanting to do anything else for the entire day. A lot of things were on his mind and he didn't know how to deal with this crippling loneliness ever since his mother had unfortunately passed away. Her death being for some reason unknown, no one really know what had happened to her exactly.

He walked over to the counter before setting down the warm cup of coffee down, glancing at the person and giving them a polite yet slightly strained smile. "Here you go, that will be $3.65." He stated, awaiting for their payment although the customer seemed to be- hesitant..? Aaron looked away for a moment as the two stood in silence. Finally, the male let out a nervous laugh as he scratches the side of his cheek. "Oh- err.. well, I- only have two bucks so.. maybe I can just give it to you now and next time give you the rest?" He replied, smiling awkwardly.

Aaron however wasn't amused, his smile twitching a bit but still tried to kept his composure.

"Ah- I'm sorry sir but that isn't.. allowed. You're supposed to pay full price now." he said, "I can just discard of the coffee and you can come back later and-" The man cuts him off by abruptly grabbing the cup, spilling some drops of coffee onto the counter. "Great! I'll see you tomorrow then. I promise to pay you later." With that the man exited the building leaving aaron with a baffled expression. He gritted his teeth, clenching his fist as he watched him leave. He was so close from just busting out of here and strangle him - dealing with parasitic people like him infuriates him. He hated his time being wasted.

He sighed, he shouldn't feel like this. Just one more hour and he'll be free to go! It's not like everyday this doesn't happen.

Aaron rested his arm onto the counter, almost hoping one person doesn't walk into here.

That was until his eyes lingered towards someone.

And that someone in question was you.

Of course usually he wouldn't focus on someone's appearance especially since he didn't quite have the luxury to focus on pursuing a relationship. He didn't really bother trying to. he thought himself as a unlovable person, likely to die alone and never having to live the life that he truly wanted. Not really having a goal and rather went with the ride.

It was sad, really - but he tried not fuss himself too much about it.

He continued thinking about what should he do besides laying onto the bed, feeling hopeless and miserable most of the time. The brown haired male watched you entering inside the café before giving him a warm.. smile.

A smile that he swore he felt his cheeks reddening up but brushed it aside and kept it professional as he greets you. "Hey, welcome! Is there anything I can get you on this fine afternoon?" He asked as you walked towards his direction, "Thank you and yes! I'm on my break so I would just like a iced latte, not really looking forward into eating something at the moment. Caffeine is all I need," you answered, laughing. "It's a slow tiring day don't you think? My dear co-worker has been kind of salty, giving me the cold shoulder. Some days aren't your day I guess!" You realized you were rambling, quickly becoming silent for a second. "Sorry- I've came here for a iced coffee not small talk .. I shouldn't put my problems on a hardworking barista like yourself, you seem tired and stressed even. Are you- okay?" You frowned, noticing the dark circles underneath his eyes. He looked like he hasn't been getting enough proper rest.

His eyes widen a bit, snapped out of his thoughts to realize your concern for him before shooting you a smile. "Ah- no no! it's fine, i'm fine.. I appreciate your concern. It's not often we get people like you so it's really.. refreshing. Thank you." he said, "I'll be on it now, don't wanna waste your time." He grabbed a plastic cup - preparing your drink as you patiently wait. You stared at the busy traffic in silence, watching few people on the sidewalk having a phone conversation.

He glanced at you for a moment, admiring your features. His lips curled into a slight smile, you were so sweet and graceful with your words and actions. Your charm beginning to draw him in, and yet- he didn't want to admit it nor deny.. but he knew for certain he was intrigued and wanted to know more about you. Wanted to know what's your name, your interests and dislikes.. and maybe more. "So, uh.. feel free to not answer but how come I've never seen you before? You look like a new face in town," he chuckled before muttering to himself. "A pretty one at that.."

You looked at him before a smile formed onto your lips once again, "Oh! Yeah- I've actually moved here a week ago believe it or not. It wasn't long before they had recommended this place that serves good coffee. The atmospheres looks so nice! I really love the aesthetic so I'm assuming they must be right after all." You replied, almost going on a tangent.

God your voice was soothingly pleasing to listen to, he could just hear you talk endlessly without getting tired of hearing it. You had such a way with words, he tried not to urge himself into trying to hear more from you after all you were just a customer. It would seemed weird if he had try getting more information as possible.. right? He wasn't that kind of person, if he wanted so bad to get to know you better he could actually just.. ask you if he can spend some time with you and not be creepy about it.. He didn't want to come off too strong already but.. this feeling, it was overwhelming and he couldn't get enough. He wanted more.

He wanted you. It was complicated and too much for him to take in.. is this what love actually feels like? The feeling of wanting to feel your embrace, your scent, and hearing his name flow off your tongue. If so, this felt amazing to him.

Aaron had finished making the iced latte, setting the cold drink down onto the counter. "That will be $4.65." He said before you nodded in response, taking out your wallet and placing the exact amount. He grabbed it from you and puts the cash into the cash register. "Thank you, I hope you enjoy your drink and have a wonderful day!" He smiled.

"You too!" You practically yelled, leaving the place as you took a sip of your coffee.

He placed his hand onto his cheek, watching you walk away out of view before coming into a realization. His smile slowly turned into a melancholic frown. "Ah- I haven't.. asked for their name." He sighed, "shit- why do I have to mess things up? I loss my chance.. what if they never come back again?" He looked down at the counter, staring into the reflection of himself. "I hope that's not the case.. I want to get to know them. I need to learn much more about them.." He said to himself. Aaron had himself found a new fixation, a goal.

And that goal was to make you fall over heels for him as much as he did for you - to make you his and him yours.

[thelostjournals]

Today I said goodbye

Today I said goodbye.

When I was a hungry child on the city streets, and later, when we traveled Europe and Madame made me do seance after seance, I used to wake up exhausted and in pain every day. I would get up when screamed at, and go through the day, every second another drop of hopelessness.

This isn't the case anymore. Now when I wake up feeling unwell, I can tend to myself and that's what I planned to do today. After making sure the beacon would shine for the next few hours, taking my pill, treating the wound with the ointment, and eating a good breakfast, I went to the shore with a book and a jug of mint tea.

I decided to finish Hans's tales. I had no wish of pretending I was happy or comforting myself. I yearned for sad stories that would match my sadness, for salt in the wind to match salt in my tears.

There is a tree sitting on a small cliff on the northern side of the island, and I sat under it for a good hour before a seagull landed on a branch above my head and screamed, startling me and making me drop the book into the ocean.

I cursed and run to the beach, hoping that the book would wash ashore, but when I stopped on the wet sand, unsure what to do, the waves left something else at my feet.

It's a shining, bronze disc, the size of the palm of my hand, pleasantly heavy. I think it's a pendant or a scientific instrument. It was done with great care and has beautiful, intricate engravings on it. I decided to take a look at it back at the observatory, especially since my shoes and skirt were wet from the seawater.

I can't open it. I used to be good with locks, but this is either broken beyond repair or way more complicated than anything I saw. Or maybe I just need more time. After all, I was interrupted.

I saw the light in the fog two hours before sunset I think, and went to the pier.

It was beautiful to witness Nathaniel's boat emerging from the mist, lean, sleek, noiseless. It smells of wax and grease, and, as with all his inventions has a lot of beautifully made gears. Two of the masts are in odd places, and the sails have strange, beautiful writings on them. Nathaniel says the doesn't know that alphabet, he woke up one night having painted the letters on the silk he brought from China.

I watched it in awe for a good while, and in the end, it was Nathaniel who greeted me. And then proceeded to ask if I would go on that boat with him.

I didn't understand at first and it took him a moment to explain to me that he decided to heed the call that we had both heard since we were children the call that was the foundation of our friendship. That he was asking if I was also willing to answer it.

Without a lighthouse keeper people will die at the sea, I told him. He entrusted me with this lighthouse, with this service. I had a responsibility. A storm is coming.

"Someone will replace you", Nathaniel said. There are strange lands to be visited, there are mysteries and songs and sights that only we can see.

There are also sailors trusting that a beacon will warn them of dangers.

And Maria.

Dead unlover. Living friend. Countless souls believing in someone keeping the light.

I asked Nathaniel to wait and went back to the lighthouse.

I took out the carapace. Sweetened it with honey and my own blood.

I took the morphine pill, so I didn't know if it worked up until the carapace flared with silver light.

I went to the beacon, kissed Maria's new cage goodbye, and placed it between the beacon's mirrors.

We left the island half a night ago, but I still see the pulsing light.

At dawn, a storm will come.

I didn't plan for the Keeper to leave, before the storm, but when I read the prompt I knew that she needed to go on that boat.

I didn't plan for the Keeper to leave, before the storm, but when I read the prompt I knew that she needed to go on that boat.

I have a lot of thoughts - on this game on where to go next, on what I'm getting out of this writing, on what this game gave me, but they're still in flux. I'll probably try to catch them in a future post (I might have already started writing it).

For now - the Keeper leaves. There will be one more entry, the one about the storm, and then another adventure begins.

This unexpectedly lyrical journey is my playthrough of You Are a Beacon, which you can find here: https://radiantfracture.itch.io/you-are-a-beacon.

[renticat]

You wouldn't understand me because we're not in the same page anymore.

It's funny but it's true. It's true because I scroll on of my following page and all the words (mostly poems about heart break and prayer) is just like soo strange to me now. Okay the heartbreak part maybe it's still true but not the other part and even like the cheeky longing for someone, I don't really feel that much anymore.

Okay lies but back then I limerence for someone who don't even see me as me, like he puts me like place to go when he's feeling sad but then my self love was zero and like hoping maybe one day he understand that I was always there for him.

And years of broken hears made me realize it was not worth it all along, if they don't want you as much as you want them, it's almost entirely your fault to staying in that situation, unless you want to be treated like consolation prize forever.

Back then I wouldn't understand this at all, like my mind on a whack but now, it's Tuesday again and someone kinda lied to me. It hurts but it doesn't hurt like bad before because I always thought the problem is me. Maybe at dome part but also they can be assholes and liar too so yeah if I let myself to be sad like this he won cause maybe the reason he's being so nice is because he's so horribly nice manipulative person ot idk he's not lying he just can't fulfill his words rn but isn't that already count as lies?

It's so sweet until it's not. It's like that you give someone power over to make you happy, you also give them power to makes you sad. But isn't that love to share and lowering your boundaries and really like being naked with all your feelings? Well it's true but again be careful because change also inevitable so unless you prepare for all the heartbreak, there's no one you can really trust (esp if they already knew too much about you, what makes you hurt). Yeah sharing is caring but also opening gates to your deepest darkest fear that's why the Robert Greene's book of power said something about just say what you needed, don't reveal too much because silence is power. Everything can be used against you, your words and I talk too much hope people would not misunderstood me but then mostly it just backfires anyway.

I have nothing to lose, and yeah I could handle the feelings lol not that is not hurt but it's getting better now managing my emotion. Is just funny all the Indonesian writings I like is not resonance with me anymore, only some very little of them because it's just whole different page of me now, I am not in the same chapter.

And I remember you, saying something like this back then and now I understand. I've been into those position before and now I am not but yeah I do understand is just different now. You ever fall in love with someone, someone who didn't put as much effort as you and then you feel so miserable and unloved because you feel stuck and it's like hopelessness get the best of you so you're sticking around until you found someone better that truly loves you and understand you. It's amazing, I am happy for you but also sad because now you're abandoning me? Your friend because you just don't need me anymore. Idk.

And yeah I wish I could met someone just like you and then starting a new chapter but Idk if I can be that lucky. I never been that lucky and I am impatient cat as the lies has built up so high now I can't even tolerate mild bullshit. Gosh, the recommendations though in this tumblr still kinda crazy, I have this for more than 10 years but yeah never posted until 7 years ago, and I wiping out again and again as my life in real life is going on and off also.

I didn't speak English that much back then haha just reblogged something cute, pictures and yeah I was just 16 lol now I feel so old like grandma. Fuckk see why can't I chill and not swearing? Well it's because it's not my language. Sorry huhuhu. So you also just want to read what you already believe then? Haha yes and no because I've been on that position and now I can explain it a little the cognitive dissonance and yeah read more about psychology.

You need to be aware what you put in your mind but then like this now, I just mindlessly scrolling because I miss someone who didn't miss me. It's not that easy getting rid of this habit esp when you have the hunger of love you didn't received as a kid. Need works and lots works but in the end it will get better. Yeah if you want to. My emotional state is actually better is just the financial state makes me desperate but then it's so bad because years of on and off sadness and me trying to untangled the root of all the craziness. Indoctrination. Is no joke. Some people fit and love it some have no choice but to obey and ofc everything is great and okay if you choose to but in my case is not that I want it.

So yeah miss me, call me. Lol but you just give me something when you're lonely, sly foxes. I hope everything will get better even I don't know hoe. How.

☹️

Hmmmm arghh I am sad hope someone just adopt me as their cat for real.

Take me away from here... Ugh 😒

[positivelypositive]

hi, thank you so much for you blog. ❤ this is not urgent so you can answer whenever you feel like it. As most people during this pandemic, I'm lonely. Problem is, I've been on my own for so many years I dont know what to do anymore. I've noticed I've grown desperate for affection, and this obviously puts off people. I've tried to make friends online as much as I can (no idea how to meet people irl when you don't have any friends) but I end up being too affectionate or maybe having too many expectations for them. As you can see I'm well aware of this issue but I can't help myself once I start to get hopeful because perhaps I'm having a great conversation and I start to think me & that person could be great friends. It leads to a lot of sadness and disappointment for me oftentimes, and I usually feel even more lonely than before. Depression hits and negative thoughts occur, such as that I'm unlovable or that I'm never going to find someone who gives me their 100%. This got worse recently because I had been talking online with someone for months who admitted to me that they were just as lonely and stuck with no friends like me. My hopes went through the roof because of this & the fact we spoke for so long. They ended up recently telling me it's too hard for them to bring their walls down completely because of traumatic past events and we eventually drifted apart. I'm going through a serious heartbreak. I'm not sure what to do, because when I do try to make friends I always end up disappointed. I just wish I had someone who loved me, that's all. I have a therapist and she told me I have to find ways to be happy on my own, but anything that would usually make me happy doesn't have much meaning when I cant share it. I love travelling and I did it on my own, but I kept thinking it'd be way more fun with someone else, and way more meaningful if I was holding someone's hand while walking. Way more healing if I had someone to hug & kiss goodnight. It's tough. It's really hard to be in this world when you're not loved, and you have to hope for a stranger's act of kindness to remind you while you're still here. If anyone is reading this message: please be kind to strangers. It truly can mean the world, and can be the difference a bad or a good week. This is why I'm thanking you for your blog also.

hi anon,

i can completely understand your problem. for a very pong time, i too faced this problem. i would try to be friendly and get over zealous and dedicate myself completely to the friendship only to find that the other person was drifting apart.

it can make you feel hopeless and lonely. personally what i started doing was trying to find happiness in my own company. i am grateful that it worked for me too. before the pandemic, i would go to movies and cafes alone and it would be good. i would talk to people from time to time and stay connected even if they didn't reach out me first. however, i set my expectations really low and that helped me not feel too bad if they didn't respond as much. i think that domeday i will meet someone who'll need me as much i would need them and i am ready to wait for it.

hoever, if you fo not wish to wait long and maintain friendships right now then i see only one solution. you will have to lower your expectations anon. i understand that this is probably not the answer you wer looking for but i don't want to be dishonest here.

lower your expectations significantly. reach out to people but do not base your mood on the outcome of whether they'll respond or not. when conversing with someone, set a mental timer. let's say after half an hour you would end the conversation and tell them that you'll continue tomorrow. basically, control yourself and don't overdo or over express. please don't take this otherwise. i'm suggesting all of this from a place of love.

would you believe me if i told you that someone i was texting with today after about 2 years stopped responding to me after sometime? in these 2 years they made no attempt to contact me. when i contacted them today they talked me very well but now they're gone. they may be busy but it's a little hurtful to me. so please believe when i say i understand you. it's a difficult path. care for yourself and don't let anyine hold your heart in their hands so easily.

if it helps at all, i'm here for you all the time. sending you positive vibes ✨

[leoraannexx]

I feel the safest when I write here.

I just feel terribly sad today.

I realize so many things and I can't believe that it all points out to one validation, that I am a burden in this world. The world doesn't need me. I feel scared. My emotions right now are bottling up and it has taken over my system, bursting in so many tears right now. I had two arguments before this day, one is when someone told me that I should keep my feelings to myself and I'm full of drama, and another instance is when my parents ignored my feelings when I felt a bit agitated expressing myself. I'm tired of doing all these coping mechanisms. No one has ever made me feel worthy of their love, concern and consistency. I don't express my whole sadness to anyone but I feel like this blog is my safe space. I am sorry if you're reading this, but I feel so insignificant today. I have a lot of ruminating thoughts when I am alone and these thoughts are even more validated as real when staying in this house doesn't feel like home since pandemic. I am tired of adjusting because of my overwhelming emotions. I have headaches, I have panic attacks but no one truly cares. I know and I feel everyone thinks I am a burden and they can no longer give help or reassurance to me. I want to be whole, I don't want to stay broken but I feel hopeless simply because I don't feel like I belong in this place. They all just go through a reset, hurt you several times unknowingly, then the next day they treat you like you matter. Why do they always choose not to be receptive to any expressions of sadness and pain? Why do they ignore people finding comfort and constant reassurance? Am I so unlovable? People kept leaving and never staying. I feel so lonely...but I only have to type it here.

[myjourneythroughmadnessuk]

A Letter to My 7-Year-Old Self, Who Lost Her Mother to Suicide

I get it. I get the pain and devastation. I understand the betrayal and despair. The sadness and anger are overwhelming. I get it. You are angry, Kristie! So angry! But I've learned a few things over the past 47 years, and one of them is that anger is a secondary emotion. That means the anger is on the surface, reacting to every feeling in an attempt to hide the real emotion underneath. Hiding the primary emotion. Sadness. Brokenness. Sorrow.

You are going to hide the hurt for several years, pretending you are not the least bit affected by her actions. But you are. You are incredibly affected. To say that you are not is a lie to yourself. You should be affected, Kristie. She was your mum. Mums do not kill themselves. A mum does not plan for her 7-year-old daughter to find her lifeless body in such a traumatic fashion. Mums do not leave a brief note saying "goodbye and be good." Mums don't do that, Kristie. But your mum did. It's OK to be devastated. Your story is not as it should be and it is one worth mourning. It is a story that holds a lot of pain and unfathomable grief. A tale of unthinkable shock and anguish. Your feelings deserve an outlet. Your voice begs to be heard. Your heart demands to be understood.

Currently, you have none of these. I promise you, though; one day you will have all of them. You will be able to tell your story without uncontrollable anger rising to the surface. You will convey sadness without crying. And, if you do cry, it will be OK. You will no longer be angry about crying. You won't apologise for your tears. You can weep if you need to and all will be as it should. One day you won't hate your mum with every fibre in your soul. You will empathise with her pain and hopelessness. One day you will give yourself permission to feel your feelings and it will be freeing. I can't wait for you to get to that point in your life. It's still a couple of decades away.

There are lies you believe about yourself that simply are not true and those need to be revealed. Your mum's choice to end her life does not define you. It does not speak to your value. It does not make you less than. It was her choice, not yours. Her choice to die does not mean you are unworthy or unlovable. It doesn't make you or your mum a "freak." Your mum killing herself says nothing about you.