#you can make educated guesses but they were clearly going off a LOT of assumptions

[relto]

there are currently some efforts in my work group to analyze experiment data using machine learning, and the expert wanted to present his first attempts today. some 10 minutes in the scientists started arguing so much about whether or not the first practice dataset (made by one of them) accurately represents the experiment data that the expert barely managed to finish the presentation.

[ohwell-itsme-but-danganronpa]

Official Miu Iruma Post

[contains debate about the 4th case & trial of v3, post-game irouma, a dating show au with saiouma & kiiruma, talk about her abandonment issues, parental HCs and toxic yuri, just the normal way conversations in the Pit go, I simply cut out some of the screaming, distractions and put displaced replies closer to what they're replying to]

Hina: Kokichi’s Chapter 4 plan right It’s to do two things: Save him from Miu Make himself the villain Right Cause if that’s the plan WHY PUSH MIUS BODY OFF THE ROOF Clown: That was gontas idea!! Hina: No I’m blaming Kokichi for this fuck you Ves: i think he actually meant to kill everyone but that's an unpopular opinion sndhsgfgfh Hina: THEN HE SHOULDVE LET MIU KILL HIM IM SORRY MIU HAD THE BEST MURDER PLOT IN V3 AND SHE DIDNT EVEN GET TO USE IT BECAUSE KOKICHIS A FUCKING MINDREADER Apollo: LIKE HOW DID HE KNOW? WHAT. SHE WAS ACTING WEIRD SO HE CHECKED THE COMPUTER CODE? [yes. I assumed that this was just. canon] Sini: HE COULDN’T LET MIU KILL HIM Ves: NO?????????? THAT WOULD BE FUCKIGN STUPID???????????????????? Hina: No but if his plan was to kill everyone, Miu probably could’ve gotten everyone killed Ves: "i COULD convince the strong one and the detective to help me and carefully manipulate the trial til the end, but why don't i just throw it all to the wind instead-" miu was VERY OBVIOUSLY gonna kill someone dude Clown: MIUS SO BAD AT HIDING HER INTENTIONS BUT ITS OKAY I LOVE HER

Hina: Okay no I’ll give him that But Kokichi makes a lot of assumptions Like the “He’d be frozen in a touch” thing That’s a big assumption to make Ves: NO IT IS NOT THAT IS JUST ASSUMING MIU ISN'T COMICALLY STUPID IF SHE DIDN'T THINK OF THAT SHE WOULDN'T DESERVE TO BE CALLED A GENIUS if miu has control over the virtual world, then of course she'd add some way to stop him from resisting. that's an educated guess Clown: He didn't think he was going to be frozen but I think he assumes Miu was smart enough to make a fail safe!! She needed to do something to make him killable. I don't think he knew what it was but he knew she did something! Especially since she's openly telling everyone that she took away all dangerous objects and diminished their strength?? What are you scheming queen?? Apollo: I get he's smart but can he even read code because I doubt it was just written 'freezes when Miu touches' [with what monokubs pulled up for them. it was kind of written like that] Hina: No code is usually written very fucking simple Me: It wasn't an assumption? He knew. Because he looked into what she was doing.

Apollo: I still think he should have just 'decided to piss her off' and not show up to the meeting on the rooftop. Either that or he acts real sus so someone follows him up and sees her about to murder him Clown: I think he did act kinda suspicious! Like actively making a show of needing someone to watch him or clearly getting pulled off to the side so Miu could talk to him. Chee: He was being more sus than usual and that made V3 think “someone needs to watch him” Idk why they sent Gonta over when its Kokichi actually Clown: I like to think he gave her a chance to back out. If Miu had seen him act this way and still proceed with her plan. Well that that was that. Again. Probably not what they were intending BUT LET ME BELIEVE THEY WERE FRIENDS AT ONE POINT SOBS Chee: DUDE NO I ALSO LOVE THINKING THEYRE FRIENDS THEY FUCKING WORKED TOGETHER FOR FUCKS SAKE Tehyre friends to me fuck whatever canon goes against that!! Ves: she picks him because he's one of the only people who would conceivably go to a secluded place with her and that Hurts me Me: With his views on killers he most likely thought that Miu will go for a kill no matter what and will do something else if she's not forcefully stopped. Plus, he was pissed off first, she betrayed him and he was especially cruel when talking about her after that, some elements of the plan were going out of the way to say "fuck you" to Miu (and using that to draw more suspicion to himself, but that was not necessary to do that), I think he wanted Gonta to be the winner, as somebody who stayed on his team, making it his victory, but then Gonta wasn't following the plan, meaning that he must have betrayed him too, and then Kokichi lost it

Sini: OOOOH! You mean the interpretation of him killing everyone… Let’s be real, if that’s the case, then yeah, he was dumb. Cause even with what Ves said, HE STILL FUCKED UP! FUCK REVERSE PSYCHOLOG! WHY TF WOULD YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH SM YOU DUMB BITCH!? YOU’RE GIVING OUT MORE EVIDENCE He was so dumb for it, idc. Bro, stfu….Saying Gonta is the culprit!? WHY!?!? SHUT UUUPPPP I get the logic but fuck man! It’s so risky and stupid! Why would you do that!? Ves: OH I DON'T THINK THAT WAS PART OF THE ORIGINAL PLAN CAN YOU IMAGINE LMAO that's BEYOND "risky and stupid" sini did you think i thought this the whole time HE'S BETRAYING GONTA AT THAT POINT I- Chee: YEAH I THINK THAT WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN Me: It definitely wasn't part of the original plan, that was the moment he snapped Sini: Oh. I knew that too but I forgot how you interpreted it. But he does similar shit even in the beginning of the trial. I just….I think it’s dumb. This is part of why I don’t think he planned to kill everyone Oh yeah, I know that. I just wasn’t sure what they meant, there are many ways you can interpret this theory. But yeah, I agree that he thought there would be no reasoning with her and she would kill him regardless. While he could’ve let Miu kill him, keeping Miu alive is good in case the plan were to ever fail. Her plan was really good, even Shuichi noted that without finding out about the secret of the virtual world that they would’ve been fucked. She could’ve very well won had he just let her kill him, but still, it’s better he have control over the situation than potentially die for no reason while the game continues. I get that. But like….What did Gonta do to not follow with the plan? From what I remember, by the time Kokichi outed Gonta….He didn’t do anything?? No one suspected him until he brought it up. Gonta became suspect because of him. Why would he do that? Are you saying he got so pissed that Gonta was good at not being sus that he changed his mind? Cause I honestly find that ridiculous. It is literally essential that Gonta not be suspicious so that they win…. Was it a method to make Gonta not suspicious by making him suspicious? But again, why? No one was ever suspecting him and he should know that most of everyone would never suspect him as the culprit at that point because it’s Gonta. Yes, they’ve suspected Gonta plenty times before and you could say they only reacted that way cause Kokichi was the one saying it, but…I feel at that point everyone grew closer to Gonta and would have that genuine bias. Kokichi outing Gonta just led to him spewing more evidence that got them fucked even before he snapped at him. He was basically giving hints since the beginning of the trial. I always read it like he was doing what he usually did until Shuichi and the others pissed him off. Then Gonta pissed him off by denying everything and everyone believing him despite the evidence. Ves: it's not that gonta didn't follow the plan, it's that he followed it too well. you have to remember that kokichi had no way of knowing about the cord mixup; from his perspective, gonta was just lying his ass off. and he was lying so well kokichi wouldn't've been able to tell if he hadn't seen him kill her. even in an interpretation where he planned to betray gonta from the beginning, i think that would've freaked him the hell out

Sini: But he wasn’t really lying before…. He wasn’t doing anything. He was barely present in the trial until that point. Ig that’s a form of lying, maybe Kokichi expected him to be all nervous and shit?? But….Is that good enough reason to out him and abandon your plan??? I see some people say how he could’ve suspected Gonta as the mastermind, but I can only see him suspecting that after he outed him. And even then…If he was the mastermind…Why would he follow his plan in the virtual world in the first place? Surely Kokichi must’ve thought of that. To think he’s the mastermind based off of good lying alone, while understandable, is also a bit of a stretch. Kokichi knows there is more to Gonta than what people see, he’s seen him lie before. It’s just at that moment where it’s taken to a whole other level that even rivals his own (at least that’s what he thinks). But still…I just….He said that unprompted and I can’t think of a good reason as to why he’d do that after planning all this out There is Gonta debating Shuichi before I think but that’s still not enough to do something like call him the culprit I feel…. I just don’t understand it. Maybe I’m giving Kokichi too much credit, but it’s weird. Ves: gonta has repeated that he doesn't understand over and over in a very convincing (because it's true) way by that point tho idk ch4 doesn't make a lot of sense to me without the idea that kokichi was originally planning to follow through TBF though it's the clearest example of kokichi being a microcosm of v3; it's meant to be up to the player to decide what they believe, and that means there's evidence both ways. it's definitely a weird way to write a character Sini: But again, Kokichi knows he isn’t stupid. He must know he can probably pull off just saying “I don’t understand”. Not to mention, I don’t think he’d do something like this at all. Chapter 1 he acknowledges how if they die, they can just bring in new people and the games will continue. While everyone dying is a unsatisfying ending, it’s not enough to end the game. It has enough entertainment value and not enough scandal where it could do that much damage. Kokichi must still think this is all a show even if at that moment where he believed what he saw in the vault was real. Is it really winning the game and bringing justice to those who died if he follows the rules practically to a T and kills everyone? It’s not that much of a satisfying ending for him either. Ig he could’ve not known what else to do and was overwhelmed with despair, but I personally don’t think he’d want things to go that way. But that’s just me. I agree that it’s written in a way where you don’t really know what’s the truth. I understand the theory and I think the idea is cool, with enough evidence to support it. To me though, it just doesn’t jive

[I just got hit in the face with a crack theory: What if he made it so it looks like he gave in to the motive and wants to kill everyone so the mastermind doesn't intervene before he gets to flip the switch on them?] Ves: that's a totally fair interpretation!! i haven't asked - do you think he believed what he saw at the end of the tunnel :o? oh and also. i think believing what he saw would undo his ch1 belief about them just bringing more people in..? where would they get them from Clown: I guess that's assuming he'd believe the world really did end. But thats vauge too, how much did he believe it? How long? Did he even believe it in the first place? WHO KNOWS Ves: i think he did believe it. i mean, he was THERE. he saw the broken world stretch out to the horizon, he felt the air leave his lungs that's very different than a flashback light Sini: Well, that’s the thing. I feel like he believed what he saw but soon afterward started to doubt it given everything else he witnessed. Why things are the way they are…It only makes sense if it’s a show. Kokichi himself acknowledges that in Chapter 5. The flashback lights….There’s so many things to not be trusted here. If they can pull off crazy rooms, executions, and robots, could they fabricate what he saw and experienced? Maybe it is real but there are survivors out there. I think Kokichi was in constant conflict about it Ves: it could be a show for just one person. i think that'd haunt him and yeah i agree about him being in constant conflict Clown: I do think he believed it for a good while!! It's hard not to. It probably effected him more than he realized. But at the same time the world around his is changing in completely unnatural ways, he acknowledges that it feels as though they're following a script sometimes. So that gave him room for doubts. But he couldn't really be sure Kodaka was a coward for not giving us a bonus unlockable scene where ouma sees the world end, BY HIMSELF, ALL ALONE, and just implodes in on himself for a little while I wanna see how he reacted!!! I wanna see why he even managed to get up again!! Ves: MAYBE I'M ALSO A COWARD JESUS Sini: I’m fine with not getting anything. The whole point is that he’s a mysterious character. The way we see him is supposed to be somewhat similar to how Shuichi sees him, constantly questioning wtf he is up to and how he feels But that would be cool tho Clown: I can agree with that! I do love that there's so much room to theorize about him This is entirely self indulgent askshjdh WHERES THE POV SWITCH KODAKA?? WHERE?? Sini:Yeah, same. I indulgently want a Kokichi Ouma novel but writing wise that’s a shitty idea Clown: Yeahhh, unless their willing to break away from the embodiment of a lie thing, at least a little, than i wouldn't have high hopes Or they could evilify him more thats also something that could happen

Hina: Me writing a whole Kokichi Miu fight scene be like Chee: no dude I actually enjoy that BC THERES NO WAY AFTER ALL THAT HAPPENED IN GAME THEY WOULDNT FIGHT Im just still praying theyll be friends after the fighting or something [sob emoji]

[conversation went into detail about how fucked up Kokichi novel could turn out to be if we got it (and so it's best it doesn't happen)] Clown: Miu and kokichi get an explosive divorce Ves: okay no i want this actually that sounds HILARIOUS Sini: That already happened in V3 tho Me: they are SO divorcecore <3 /pos Ves: they are the OPPOSITE of the "i don't argue with beautiful women, my wife hits me with a hammer and i walk it off" tweet Me: and I love that for them! frenemies irouma is nice, but they could take that to a higher level Ves: IT IS romantic iruma is just so inherently hilarious that "higher level" is divorce court Sini: “My wife tried to hit me with a hammer, that bitch got strangled” Clown: It's like the ending of one of those shows where they try and pair everyone off into couples but they explode as a result Maybe literally Miu puts a bomb in oumas cereal Sini: It’s their love language, dw Clown: They only got married because the people of their affections also got hit with the straight people ray and they're mourning together/hj Shuichi should marry maki to make it worse Ves: they're all cheating on each other Worst Suburb Of All Time Me: this gave me a VIOLENT flashback to that one hamilton songfic (Say No To This? I think) where Miu wrote Saihara a threathening letter bc Ouma was her husband and saiou was having an affair

Sini: Salmon Mode: Love is Blind edition Ves: hold on i've got a better one the ultimatum …actually hold on maybe i'm NOT joking an ultimatum au would kinda slap… are saiou in preexisting relationships or did they come together shuuichi issuing the ultimatum to kokichi would be TASTY but so would them falling in love and leaving their unhappy relationships for each other,,,, one person in a couple wants to get married, the other isn't so sure. they go on the show where they pick another person to be in a 'trial marriage' for a couple weeks, then go back to their original partners, then decide 'the ultimatum' is 'marry or our relationship is over' Clown: Oohh man I dunno. Them as a preexisting couple is ANGST AND PAIN and ✨️ drama ✨️ But them coming together is [teary eyed cat emoji] Hina: Okay but that's so good if they're preexisting in a relationship Me: the "getting back together" energy (despite there being no break-up and only a threat of it) is definitely up your alley and it could be neat, but them getting paired up for a few weeks fake relationship that's not intended to last should be injected in my bloodstream immediately or I'll die Ves: they're meant not to last, to be a test before they go back to their Real partners, but they find themselves happier than they ever were AUUUUUGH Hina: If we're being realistic though wouldn't Kokichi bail the moment Shuichi offers an ultimatum like that? Ves: IF WE'RE BEING REALISTIC NEITHER OF THEM WOULD GO ON REALITY TV IN THE FIRST PLACE THIS EXISTS SO I CAN HAVE FUNNY SAIOUMA COUCH ASIDES AND ENDGAME SMOOCHES Clown: Can't remove brain from shuichi giving the ultimatum because ouma is a flighty nerd- NEED THERE TO BE A SWEET SCENE WHERE GONTA AND KOKICHI BOND BECAUSE OF THEIR SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES BUT ON OPPOSITE ENDS. Gontas straightforward point of view seems illogical, it doesnt even take into account how much could go wrong, but its suprisingly comforting. Maybe ouma shouldn't focus on the fail safes… AND HE GAINS PLUS 1 BUDDY OLE PAL [I skipped a big part of the conversation suggesting other couples, but one of them was Gonta and Kirumi] Ves: gonta and kokichi come out Best Friends he's the best man at the saiou wedding unsure if kokichi gets this privilege also because. kirumi. but STILL Clown: She doesn't want his greasy face in the wedding party thats understandable If you wanna add some ✨️ drama ✨️ maybe shuichi is just a tad jealous over seeing ouma so genuinely connect with someone. After such a short time too?? Shuichi goes "this is fine" as if he isn't iron gripping the table Ves: he thinks kokichi's left him for bigger tits greener pastures meanwhile gonta is patting his back while he wails drunkenly about shuuichi inevitably leaving him he's NOT jealous he is a responsible partner he does not feel Bad Emotions he does NOT- he's not coping and seething that gonta is better at protecting kokichi from spiders

Ves: who is shuuichi's partner. rantarou is Not Allowed it hurts my brain Hina: Wow smh Miu/j Ves: he'd never pick her but GOD it'd be funny Clown: MAYBE KIIBO, FOR THE EXTRA LACK OF BRAIN CELLS Did Miu drag kiibo there?? Ves: love hotel abandonment issues flashbacks Clown: She would vent this in a completely public scandalous way I love that for her Miu iruma the walking disaster beloved Ves: why doesn't kiibo want to get married? is it just bc miu's being Like That about it or does he have his own issues Hina: What if their relationship is still fairly new Like less than a year Clown: "We aren't financially stable and the average expectancy of dating years before marriage is 4-6 years, we haven't yet to agree upon how many kids we would have because 8 is illogical. I think we should wai-" and Miu is throwing a tantrum Ves: i don't think i've ever seen kiiruma as anything but a fluffy side ship this is spinning in my brain oughhh miu iruma you are the worst gf of all time i love you messy bitch she's gonna key his car they are neurodiverging in opposite directions kiibo's autistic robot ass is planning things out according to nothing but logic meanwhile miu is traumatized and brain damaged and putting beans in all his shoes he doesn't Get why she's so sensitive about this he's said he's not going to leave her, and he's never proved himself a liar, so why doesn't she believe him??? actually on that topic. why do u guys think miu is Like That?? she apparently has very severe abandonment issues but they're brought up ONCE and NEVER EXPLAINED it bothers me i need to fill that gap with hc

Sini: Miu [handshake emoji] Kokichi Crippling trust/abandonment issues. Your love? They do not see Ves: and that's why they make such inch resting friends :) Sini: I hc her mother left her and her dad. Perhaps she also had a childhood friend who abandoned her since in the Love Hotel she sees you as one Ves: i'm inclined to say someone (a parent?) just BOOKED it while she was in the coma Clown: Oohhh!!! Similar hc!!! I also think she was raised by a single dad. Mom was too focused on her career Ves: i gave her a single mom LMAO does she just radiate Divorced Kid Energy??? Sini: SHE DOES HONESTLY What if they left after her coma? I can imagine it going like that…. Ves: i mean her personality was probably different by then maybe they just…didn't like her anymore…… Clown: Ahsgshwhs, I just think part of her sense of humor comes from the fact that her father was like…one of those drunk uncles who gives you shittiest dating advice and has been divorced 3 times and is not at all a bad person but has clearly made far too many mistakes. And he's her MAIN caretaker. And so he talked to her more like a friend than a daughter and so she really was craving some sort of bond she considered unbreakable, someone to take care of her. AND WHATS THAT?? ON TV?? YOUR ROMANTIC ENDEAVOR WOULD DIE FOR YOU?? YES PLEASE??? Ves: SHE JUST WANTS SOMEONE TO OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR FOR HER, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK Sini: Men these days, smh Hina: Easy, don't date men Ves: WOMEN WILL NOT FIX HER ISSUES HINA Clown: WOMEN COULD MAKE HER WORSE, TOXIC DOOMED YURI WHEN Ves: her and ouma, if you're not a COWARD Sini: Toxic doomed yuri fem!Kokichi/Miu. 100k words- Me: where [and I still don't see a fucking link] Hina: Ever female Kokichi I've seen scares me So yes I am a coward Me: multigendered Kokichi then, it can still be yuri and that's my preferred hc anyway Ves: kokichi's already a girl to ME. multigender queen Hina: I mean Big boobs Heterosexual Female Kokichi Sini: The big boobs are a red flag Me: I can excuse heterosexuality, but I draw the line at Kokichi with boobs /ref Sini: YOU EXCUSE HETEROSEXUALITY!?

[yoonpobs]

bad boy good thing iii.

pairing: jeon jungkook x oc

genre: angst, smut, fluff, miscommunication (we hate her lol), pining

warnings: smut, jungkook is really an asshole, the angst hurts a lot tbh, unhealthy relationships (?)

words: 2, 393

summary: a series of drabbles where you're confused and jungkook's confusing

“You’re bailing again?” Taehyung looks up from his stack of books for the first time in the last hour since the two of you have started your study date. Granted, he meant no spite but he didn’t understand what set you to flee. The name that was almost taboo to you; the name that brings more tugs to your heart that hurts than one that’s fond.

You glance up at him with meek eyes, “I have an office hour with my economics professor in half an hour.”

Taehyung purses his lips.

“This is the fourth time this week you’ve ditched.” Taehyung sounds mildly irritated and you don’t blame him. You made a promise months ago before mid-terms coming up that you’d help him with statistics. But before the two of you could ever get into the nitty-gritty details of math; somehow the forbidden name comes up.

“I know.” You say softly. “I’m sorry …” You don’t say anything else because your heart is speeding up in a way that is anxiety-inducing. Because Taehyung off-handedly mentioned that Jungkook would be dropping by in a few; and you didn’t know when he’d turn up and you rather not stick around to find out.

His words still linger in your mind and every time there was any prompt to remind you of his face, or his name—you remember the way his words sounded so assured in the context of the situation first. You remember the malevolence that lied behind his usually kind eyes. But it’s like the eyes filled with desire in a one-dimensional view of your body replaced the youthful mirth you grew up with.

“Look.” Taehyung sighs, pushing himself up to look at you with a stern stare. “If you don’t want to tutor me that’s fine. I can find another tutor. But I’d appreciate if you’d let me know beforehand so I don’t have to come all the way just for an hour then have you leave once the content begins to get tougher.”

Taehyung was by no means being rude or outwardly offensive. He was straightforward and you appreciated that he was honest with you. And rather, you feel guilty of the fact that you bailed for your own selfish reasons.

“I do want to tutor you.” You tell him, fiddling with your fingers as your eyes dart to the doors of the library. “It really just slipped my mind.”

It sounds lame, even to you; and Taehyung picks up on it too.

“You don’t forget things like this.” He says pointedly. “It’s like every time I mention—”

Taehyung stops himself and your eyes dart away, hands already tugging your bag over your shoulder. Maybe if you sped up, he wouldn’t stare at you with an inquisitive stare that looked similar to one of realisation.

“Did something happen between you and Kook?”

You wince. Taehyung is observant.

“Are the two of you—?”

“I’m fine.” You snap, tone defensive and on edge when you hear the bell of the library door ring. You don’t dare to turn to look. “We’re fine.”

“_____ …” Taehyung frowns.

“I gotta go. Okay?” You huff, offering one last apologetic look before you turn to leave. But in your haste, you bump into a solid figure and you’re terrified that it’s—

“Careful.” A deeper, unfamiliar but welcomed voice murmurs.

When your eyes look up, it’s just someone you recognise from Jungkook’s football games. You were sure he was a key player too. His stature was definitely one of an athlete. He was tall, broad, and firm; and the black shirt that hugged his chest only emphasised your guess.

“S-Sorry.” You squeak, looking down.

You brush past him before he can get another word in, and only when you slip past him do you see Jungkook lingering behind with a frown on his face.

“______—” He calls.

You’re able to leave before he can get a hold of you; and that only causes the frown on Jungkook’s face to harden.

When the door rings once more to signal your departure, Jungkook is already sat with Taehyung and the other person that bumped into you.

“What’s up with the two of you?” Taehyung asks.

Jungkook stiffens and responds with a grit of his teeth. “Nothing.”

Taehyung doesn’t look convinced and Namjoon—though recently enlightened with the fact that there was potentially something brewing between the two of you—was also observant enough to pick up on the tense atmosphere that you left with.

“Aren’t the two of you super close?” Namjoon says offhandedly, already shifting through his assignments while he lays them out.

Jungkook wants to let out a dry scoff at the assumption. Sure, the two of you were close. He isn’t so sure about that anymore.

“You’re clearly lying to me.” Taehyung snorts. “So whatever it is the two of you are keeping a secret please just sort it out because I need _____ here to tutor me and you’re getting in the way of my education.”

Taehyung mostly says this as a joke, but it strikes Jungkook straight where it’s vulnerable. He wasn’t going to be the first to break, nor will he indulge Taehyung into what he said to you in the same library they were in at this very moment.

So instead, Jungkook brushes it off like he’s been doing so more recently than ever.

“Whatever.” He mutters.

For some reason, you see Jungkook again on the same day—accompanied by the same person that you bumped into.

You realise that you’ve spent more time avoiding him than dealing with your feelings after what transpired. But you’re weak and you suppose you’ve always been weak when it came to Jungkook.

It was difficult … to say the least. Because while Jungkook’s words were malicious and filled with the intent to hurt and break you; the better (and foolish) part of you wanted to believe that he was angry. Driven by emotions that he wasn’t thinking straight. But while you were naive, you were also substantially aware that there had to be some form of truth to the words he’s thrown at you.

But this was the same Jungkook that you grew up with, the young boy you’ve somehow seen transition from awkward and endearing teen to … to the confident and assured man he was. You didn’t want to make any excuses for him but you’ve always been soft. And you hated that your eyes somehow still linger on his approaching figure when the rational side of your brain tells you to run away.

However, it’s not him who greets you. It’s his friend. The one you vaguely recognise but can’t quite put a name to a face.

“Hey!” He calls out to you.

His smile is easy with a dimple appearing on his cheeks. He looks kind and soft for someone that was easily a head taller than you were, and despite his height—there was something oddly comforting about the way he approaches you as if he knows you.

You try to ignore the coldness from Jungkook’s end and remind yourself that you should’ve felt angry—not the other way around.

“Hi?” You say, or more appropriately ask.

Jungkook’s expression is still blank; every time your eyes briefly linger on his face you wonder how it’d ended up this way.

“_____, right? I’ve seen you at a few of our games.” His friend enters a conversation so seamlessly. “Kook’s never introduced us, though.”

You clear your throat and you hope your face isn’t a dead giveaway of your discomfort. Especially when you blatantly ignore Jungkook’s piercing stare on the side of your temple.

“I don’t … mingle around that much.” You say softly,

And it’s parallel to the image that Jungkook has of you. The quiet, timid girl that’s free time is consumed with books and assignments than a social life to make up for it. You used to think that maybe you weren’t the type that enjoyed large or loud gatherings. But Jungkook’s voice only makes you wonder if you were the problem instead.

“Well, I’m Namjoon.” He smiles at you, offering a grin filled with teeth that you find yourself unconsciously returning, albeit awkwardly.

“Nice to meet you … uh … Namjoon.” You mumble, and your eyes nearly land on Jungkook’s face out of pure habit, but you stop yourself before you hurt yourself even more.

“It’s nice to formally meet you too. I’ve been asking Jungkook to introduce the two of us since forever ago but he seemed dead set on keeping you to himself.” Namjoon jokes lightly. And you almost miss it, but you swear Jungkook stiffens by his side.

“Ah …” You reply lamely, fingering your strap as you shift on your heels.

It feels awkward to not acknowledge Jungkook; you’re wondering if Namjoon picks up on the cold air between the both of you. Namjoon looks like he’s thinking of something, but before he can say anything—Jungkook is tugging his arm roughly.

“We have practice.” Jungkook grits, finally making himself known.

Your eyes dart to your feet, and you hate how small you feel in his presence. It should’ve been easy but this was the hardest part of it all. Pretending like you were objectively okay when his words constantly lingered at the back of your mind.

“Go ahead without me. I want to ask _____ something.” Namjoon shrugs Jungkook’s hand off of him. And this time you catch the venomous glare that he shoots his friend, accompanied by the clench of his jaw.

“Coach will—”

“I’m the captain, remember?” Namjoon snorts, but it’s not condescending. Just a reminder.

Jungkook purses his lips and his eyes dart between the two of you; and you know him well enough to know that there’s something on his mind, especially with the way he nibbles on his bottom lip.

“Don’t be late.” Jungkook grits, stomping off in the other direction without even sparing you a glance.

You frown at him because he was the one that came to you that day unwarranted; treating you like absolutely nothing as if there weren’t years of history behind the two of you.

But Namjoon is large enough to distract you because he quite literally blocks the view of Jungkook’s disappearing body with his own when he stands right in front of you.

“Sorry about that.” Namjoon looks sheepish. “I hope you don’t mind …” He trails off as he scratches the back of his neck.

Your eyes widen as you shake your head, “N-No! It’s fine. Just … uh … what’s up?” You wince inwardly at your horrible social skills and you have a slight understanding of why Jungkook pointed out the things he did. Maybe he was right—

“I—well …” Namjoon mumbles, and he seems less assured than he was earlier. “I think—you’re really—cool?—and smart—you seem nice so … sorry! God.” He rambles as he brushes his hands over his face.

You blink at him.

Namjoon takes your reaction as a bad one as he winces, chuckling lowly.

“I’m sorry. I’m not this … awkward.” He tells you.

You nod your head slowly trying to process his words. And you feel a little guilty knowing that your lack of response probably pushes Namjoon further into his shell. But he has a glare in his eye that shows that he won’t be affected so easily.

“Well.” He clears his throat. “I follow your podcast. And I think it’s really great. You offer some really interesting perspectives on the War on Drugs—or as you mentioned—the disproportionate effects of racial tension that lead to unjustified or mass incarceration rates in the U.S.”

Somehow you know you’ve said the exact same words in the monthly podcast you do with the International Relations department for extra credit. But when Namjoon speaks, it’s as if he’s carefully picking apart the context and nuance of your words so carefully before he quotes it back to you; as if he treats your opinion with heavy regard and not one of the light matters.

You feel flattered.

“Oh.” You blink. “Thank you?”

Namjoon offers you an easy grin. And you recall: captain of the football team, he says? He doesn’t really … fit the stereotype. Besides the fact that he looked insanely fit. He was gentle, that much you could tell. But you also were a little biased when it came to footballers because you only had Jungkook to compare him with.

“Sorry for just springing that on you.” He apologises sheepishly and you’re even more confused as to why he feels the need to say sorry. “It’s just that Kook was always so bitchy about introducing me to you whenever I asked so … I thought why not take the chance myself?”

You gape at him. You don’t know what to do with the set of new information you’re presented with. Firstly, the fact that someone like Namjoon paid attention to a nobody like you? And secondly, the weird revelation that Jungkook somehow gate kept his friendship … or whatever the fuck it was … with you.

“No, no.” You shake your head, “I’m really flattered. Thank you. No one’s ever … told me that before.” You give him a gentle smile because that’s all you can muster.

Namjoon returns it tenfold as he hikes his bag across his shoulder.

“Well, I gotta go now. Practice calls.” He jokes, waving at you. For a moment, he stills; as if remembering something before he fishes out a piece of paper from his pocket and shoves it to you in a haste.

“What is—?”

“My number. You know—if you ever want to talk. About … stuff. I think you’re super smart—and intelligent. They’re synonymous but yeah. If you want.” He rambles.

You blink up at him and before you can muster a response, he’s darting away.

You watch his figure retreat and notice that Jungkook is waiting for him a good distance away. But his eyes aren’t on Namjoon’s somewhat giddy figure—but on you.

He stares at you long and hard, and you feel conflicted. The paper in your hand nearly chafes, but the feeling is easily forgotten when his expression hardens.

When Namjoon reaches him with a clasp to his back, the pair walks off. Not before he gives you one passing glance over his shoulder that leaves you feeling more restless than ever.

[beskarhearts]

Vencuyot (Din Djarin x reader)

source: @isetthetone​

Connection series Pt. 11

Pairing: Din Djarin x f!reader (no use of Y/N)

Warnings: cursing, fighting, total sleazy douche bag

Word count: over 8.5 K

Summary: Din and you finally get started on helping the kid find his kind.

Notes: Alright, we are finally going into the events of season two! Each episode will probably be about 2-3 chapters. And I’m also planning right now on how to incorporate original scenes while also kind of following the overarching story line from season two. I am very excited to see how you guys like it!

Previous Part ____ Next Part

____________________________________________________

“You’re good with him.”

You smile warmly at Din, holding the child’s little body against your chest to which he let out a string of joyful noises that pulled at your heart strings. You looked down quickly to see the child’s eyes look up at you, his little hand beginning to pull of strands of your hair. He always loved to play with it, sometimes to tug at it or yank it, but most of the times he’d just run his three tiny fingers through it like it was the most fascinating thing. You looked back up to Din, who watched the two of you with his helmet tilted slightly. You couldn’t see his expression but you’d like to think you knew him well enough to know he was smiling underneath the helmet.

Moments like these were nice. The kind of moments where you, Din, and the kid just sat together in the hull of the Crest, letting the ship guide you guys through hyperspace as the three of you just relaxed. It was domestic and pure and everything you and Din deserved. 

“Yeah. I guess I kind of am.” You quietly admitted. You never wanted to brag about the way you were able to care for the child. Yes, it was part of your job around here. But Din also helped and a small part of you always saw the child as Dins, and solely Dins. Din had been the one to find him and protect him. He was the one who made an oath to find his kind, putting his Creed and life at risk to do it. It had been just been the two of them for a while before you came along. So yes, you were good with the kid, but you never wanted to overstep a boundary and claim the kid as your own. Even in spite of the way a maternal wave washed over you each time you saw the child coo at you or reach for you. The way a sleepy smile would pop onto his face when he woke up and saw you. The way some nights he would just need to be held by you for a while before feeling safe and secure enough to go to bed. In spite of all those things that made you feel special, you still wanted to show respect to their relationship.

“You definitely are.” Din paused, sitting forward a little more before continuing. “Is it cause of some... Jedi thing?”

You smiled at the way Din spoke about anything Jedi related. You were the first to admit you weren’t the most educated about Jedi history but Din was absolutely clueless. You supposed that made sense considering the rift between Mandalorians and Jedi’s but it still made you chuckle whenever he tried to speak about the matter. “I don’t know, to be honest. I think sometimes I just can feel what he needs or sense when something is wrong. I don’t know if it’s a Jedi thing or just a m-” you cut yourself off, trapping the words in your mouth before they slip out.

“Just a what?” Din asked and you shook your head quickly.

“Oh nothing, it was just a silly thing.”

Din sighed, reaching forward and brushing his hand against your knee. “What was it, cyar’ika?”

“I was going to say a mother thing. But not cause I’m the kids mom or anything. It was dumb because I’m totally not. I’m just-“

“Stop.” You physically bring your lips together to stop yourself from rambling. “I might not know much but I know the kid sees you as a mother.”

You smiled warmly, looking down at the child in your lap who continue to play with strands of hair, not paying much attention to the conversation being had. “Yeah?”

Din nodded. “Of course. And you are a good one.”

You tried to look away from Din, not wanting him to see the way your face flushed from the compliment or the way your eyes started to water from the sincerity of it. You truly loved the child, probably a bit too much. And maybe you shouldn’t look at him like a son considering what you knew was bound to happen, but you didn’t contemplate the pain you would one day feel at his possible departure. As far as you knew, this was your family and you were going to enjoy it for as long as possible. And that meant treating the kid like your own because even if you selfishly wanted to build a wall up, you knew the child needed a parental figure in his life. He was only a small child after all, one who had already been through enough and hidden away for so long. So you figured you could do this for him. You could show him love and compassion, how it feels to be protected by someone who cares for you. It was a job Din did extraordinarily well, something you don’t think he even realized he did. And you were damned to do your best by the kid. Even if in the end it hurt yourself. Because wasn’t that one of the biggestc, yet also inevitable, sacrifices of a parent?

“Thank you.” you whispered out and the kid finally looked a you then, showing you the hair in his hands to which you nodded. He dropped the hair before picking it back up, seeming satisfied by the feeling of the strands slipping through his fingertips.

“Do you ever. I don’t know. Want... some?”

You glance up a Din, your eyebrows shooting up at the way he awkwardly fumbled with his words. Din was usually a very clear man so you knew if he was struggling to express himself, it must be new territory for him. “Want what?”

Din didn’t bother to verbally answer, simply directing his head towards the kid. You let out a small ‘oh’ once understanding what he was getting at. “Kids?” You clarified to which the Mandalorian firmly nodded.

Your heart skipped in your chest at the thought. Maker, kids. You hadn't considered the idea of having kids in so long. For many years, it seemed an impossible task. Having a child meant allowing someone in, which was not something you excelled in. You also never found yourself too invested in the prospect of having kids of your own. It wasn’t that you didn’t like them, though Jakku was never teeming with them. Kids were fine. You often found them to be funny, like little drunken adults just wandering around. And you could t deny that they were cute (though you would argue the child in your lap was even cuter than human children). But when you looked in the mirror before, you never saw a woman who could be a mother. It just wasn’t part of your personality. You had watched your own mother for so long and you loved her, but you hadn’t been similar to her at all, you two often having differing opinions. But your mother had seemed like such the picture-perfect mom to you and if you were nothing like her, how could you be a mom?

But now things were different. You were a different person than you used to be (a better one as well you would argue). And that was due to Din. Having allowed yourself to open up to someone taught you a lot of things about relationships, communication, and trust. And now there was someone in your life who you could kind of invision a future with. A very rocky, unclear future but a future nonetheless.

The kid also changed your perspective. When you met the child, you instantly felt a connection to him. You wanted to grab his small little body and hold him close, make him smile. It was like this instinctual side of you kicked in, a side you didn’t know you even had. And now you liked it. You liked caring for him and being there for important things. You loved to way he had begun to expand the way he communicated , whether that be with his facial expressions or noises. You loved that when he first woke up in the morning and saw either you or Din, a sleepy little smile would form that made your morning instantly better. You loved when he would giggle when you did something stupid or silly. You even liked when he needed your help, when his grabby hands reached out for something he wanted. Watching him grow was like a gift. So now the idea of kids sounded exponentially more appealing than it ever had before.

“I never really used to. Was never that type of person really. But now... yeah. Maybe one day.” You said the last part with a sheepish shrug. You didn’t know what one day meant, even to you. You had sworn to stick by Din, even once the kid was gone. And though there was no label and nothing official, there was clearly something happening between the two of you. You were certainly a little more than friends, though you didn’t want to jump to any assumptions and make a fool of yourself.

But you couldn’t help the way your heart nearly jumped out of your chest at the thought of having kids with Din. You already knew he was paternal. You didn’t need to see beneath the armor to see the way he looked at the kid. He treated him like a son and did an exceptionally good job at protecting him and making him feel safe. And sometime, when you were with the kid and Din walked into the room, you could feel this rush of love wash over you, almost like you were feeling what the kid felt. You felt this immense sense of belonging and love, a type of admiration you couldn’t even begin to describe. He looked up to him in a way a kid is truly meant to look up to their dad. There was no doubt in your mind that Din would be a great father.

You cleared your throat and looked up at Din. “What about you?”

“Absolutely.” The answer didn't shock you too much in particular. It was the speed at which he answered. He hadn’t taken a second to even think about it or contemplate it. The answer had just leapt out of his mouth as soon as you had finished speaking. You couldn’t help the way you grinned at him but felt it drop slowly as he let out a loud sigh, his helmet dropping down. “But I don’t know if that’s even possible.”

You furrowed your brow. “What do you mean?”

“This life isn’t right for a kid. And I’m just not the kind of person.”

“Woah, that’s not true. Have you seen yourself with the kid?” You reached a hand out to rest on his leg, reassuringly squeezing it. His helmet finally lifted up a little but you could still see the way his body slightly dropped. “You would be a great dad, Din Djarin.”

“A Mandalorian isn’t the greatest dad.” You could definitely understand where Din was coming from. Life for Din was unstable, tumultuous. His whole job required a certain level of danger that he had to willingly accept every day. Definitely not the most conducive for raising a child.

But you had always imagined Din settling down one day, not even with you per say but just in general. He deserved that. Out of all the people you could imagine, he was one who deserved to find a home somewhere, marry someone, have a peaceful life with what he wanted. Now that you considered it, you didn’t even know if that was a possibility. “Is the whole Mandalorian thing a life time commitment or do you eventually retire?”

“I never really thought about it. I just figured I’d keep going until...well, let’s just say Mandalorians don’t have the greatest track record.”

Your stomach lurched at the meaning behind Dins answer. A job that was a game between life and death meant one of two things, you either lived or died. And you expected that eventually death caught up to the Mandalorians, no matter how strong or unshakeable they appeared. Your heart broke for Din. He had been living his days just working, expecting his life to be cut short because of the life he lived, the job he had, the armor he bore. You squeezed his leg even tighter, forcing him to look at you directly. You stared right into his visor, hoping you were making eye contact with him. “I’m here now. And I’m going to make sure you live a long life. A good one.”

Din just stared back at you, responding with a small jerk of the head. “Okay.”

You nodded in response before smiling, try to lighten the situation. “Good. So you better come up with a retirement plan, old man.”

Din chuckled at you, shaking his head jokingly. “Will do.” You grinned at him but felt it drop slightly as Din continued on. “We need to start looking for the kid’s kind.”

You knew this moment was coming and soon. You and Din had already spent too long playing house, justifying it with excuses like you were trying to come up with a good plan or you were letting time pass so things could calm down. But you and Din both knew the truth deep down. Things weren’t going to calm down and no good plan would be formed without starting somewhere. 

You looked back down at the kid, who just gurgled as he saw your attention land upon him. Sometimes you thought he was too young for training, even though he was fifty. He was just a baby. A child. You had only received a sliver of training and that had been some of the most intense work you had ever done. You couldn’t imagine the same little child in your lap, the one whose most prized possession was a metal ball and who cried when he couldn’t eat a butterfly, was supposed to become a Jedi. But you also understood that you couldn’t even attempt to understand his full potential and just how truly powerful he was. And the earlier he started harnessing it, the better. Sometimes you wish you had been taught earlier. You understood what it felt like to be younger and capable of something you couldn’t understand. It was terrifying sometimes and other times just plain confusing. 

You looked back up at Din. “Yeah. We do.”

“We need a plan.”

“We don’t even know where to start, Din.” 

“Do you know of any... Jedi places?”

You laughed at his question. “No. I’m afraid I will be of no help to you in that regard. I barely know any more about Jedi’s than you do.”

Din nodded and you knew he was slightly disappointed, but not upset. You understood that feeling. Sometimes you wished you were better or knew something so you knew how to help out. But you had also accepted that you were who you were and nothing would change that.

“I need to find other Mandalorians. I was told they could help me.”

“Well, where are the Mandalorians?”

“I don’t know.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “How do you not know? You guys don’t have like some meet up spot or something?”

Din chuckled, now finding your lack of knowledge about Mandalorians as funny as you find his lack of knowledge about Jedis. “They are called coverts and they are in secret locations for safety. There was one on Nevarro but that got exposed.”

“So you have no clue where any are?”

“No.”

You huffed. “Well then, what do we do?”

“I know some people who might know information about where Mandalorians are. We can start there.”

You nodded. “I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“So once we find a Jedi, we just hand him over? That’s it?” You found that to be such a bizarre thought. Jedi’s were supposed to be peacemakers but that hadn’t stopped a fair share of them from becoming Siths instead. How were you supposed to meet someone and just trust them enough right away to hand the child over? What if this person just took advantage of him or worse, handed him over to Gideon for a large prize?

“I don’t know how this works at all. We need to just find out more information before we get to that.”

“And what if we can’t find one?”

“I made a promise. He is under my care and I vowed to bring him to his kind. I will make sure it happens, no matter how long it takes.”

You admired Din’s dedication. You had never met an individual who was so devoted, whether that be devoted to his Creed or to the child or yourself. It was so admirable and you believed every word that came out of his mouth. 

“You are a good man, Din.”

Din just nodded in response and you wondered if he ever believed you when you said that. You meant it with every part of your being but you don’t think he ever looked in the mirror and saw the man you saw. Saw the kind heart and the beautiful soul that laid hidden beneath all his armor. You just wanted to spend all your days showing him that, hoping one day he would see it. Look past the helmet and the job and see who he was. 

“Din?”

“Yes?”

“What are we going to do after all of this?” The question had been on the tip of your tongue for weeks now. You knew Din had said he wanted you to stay. And you knew your relationship had now progressed, though neither of you had placed any binding label on it.  Those were great things and you were thrilled by them but you didn’t know what that would entail for you guys.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when we find the kid a place to go, what do we do? Are you going back to bounty hunting? I mean can you even do that after you took the kid back?”

Din’s helmet tilted and you knew he was deep in thought. Part of you hoped he couldn’t and you felt selfish for it. You knew that was what Mandalorians did. They worked, endlessly. But you couldn’t imagine finding somewhere for the kid to go and then Din working night and day to catch bounties, traveling through the galaxy from one place to the next for the rest of his days. You wanted him to be able to relax, to live a life that he had never even thought to envision. A life where he could have kids when he wanted to or could just live in peace. 

“If you could go to any planet, where would you go?”

You brought your head back, staring at Din with a perplexed expression. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Just tell me.”

You thought before remembering a planet Mai had told you about. “Sesid. Mai said she read about it once. There is supposed to be so much ocean that you can’t walk anywhere where you don’t have a view of it. And where you don’t see blue, it is supposed to be so green with so many trees and plants.”

“Then we will go there.”

You let out a laugh. “Din, what are you talking about?”

“I don’t know exactly what will happen after all of this. But I know I want to be with you. So once we find the kid a place to go, you and I will go to Sesid.”

You smiled up at him. You still didn’t know if that was even possible but you didn’t want to think about what would realistically happen. You wanted to believe, if only for this moment, that Din and you would help the kid and then be together, somewhere beautiful and happy. “Okay. Sesid it is.”

Din nodded in agreement. “I do know one thing for sure, though.

“What?”

Din leaned towards you, close enough that if he weren’t wearing the helmet you could kiss him. You leaned against him, your forehead tapping against the helmet. “I am going to do whatever I can to make you happy.”

__________

Once night fell, the two fell into their new routine. They didn’t discuss it but it kind of just fell in place. As soon as the child’s eyes slid closed, Din grabbed onto her, pulling her to crawl into his bed, the cot on the floor she used to sleep on being long forgotten now. 

Din shuffled in next to her, closing the hatch to the cot and removing his helmet immediately after. Part of him wished so much that he could have a light on, just so he could see her face when she was laid in his bed, next to him. But for now, being able to feel her beside him was more than he could ever ask her. 

Din rested his body against the padding of the thin mattress, feeling her immediately shuffle into him. Her head sat to rest on his shoulder and he could feel her breath tickle his neck. One of her arms wrapped around his chest, clinging on like it was a life preserver. Her legs tangled with his and she let out a loud sigh once she finally rested comfortably into him, letting the shape of his body contour into hers. “You are very comfortable, y’know?” She mumbled happily and Din felt a small smile grow on his face. He loved this. Loved the way she clung onto him and the way she hummed as he wrapped an arm around around her back, tracing her spine over her shirt with his finger tips. 

“Yeah?” He responded, feeling himself turn his head in her direction. He couldn’t see her, only the silhouette of her body if he focused enough. 

“Mmhhm.” She hummed and Din brought his lips down to kiss the top of her head. Her head tilted up in response and she brought her lips against his, allowing the two to mold together. Din couldn’t believe he had gone this long without kissing her. Whenever he did, it felt so divinely perfect in a way he couldn’t even begin to describe. It was warm and thrilling but also made Din feel safe in a way he never had before. Like no matter what happened, he would be okay as long as she was there.  He had never felt that way with anybody else before, besides his parents so long ago. Nobody had ever wormed their way into his heart like she had. 

She eventually pulled away, her breathing a little heavier than before, and rested her head back into her previous position, nuzzling into him. “Where are we headed now?” 

“A planet on the outer rim. I know someone who might be able to help me find other Mandalorians.” 

“A friend?”

Din couldn’t help the small chuckle that came out. “No. He is an old gangster. Gor Karesh is his name.”

“Oh, lovely. Old gangsters are my favorite.”

“Oh really?”

She let out a giggle at the jab and he could hear the grin on her lips. “Oh yeah. You better hope he doesn’t win me over cause I might just stay with him instead.”

Din narrowed his eyes, not understanding what she meant. “You aren’t seeing him.”

She paused for a moment before letting out a small sigh. “Yes, I am. I’m coming with you.”

“I don’t want you coming. You’ll be safer in the Crest.”

“Din, last time you left me alone in the Crest, a man ended up dead.” She didn’t say it with anger or annoyance. Din didn’t detect any harshness in the words. It was just said very matter-of-factly, reminding Din of himself. But it still didn’t stop the way his heart dropped into his stomach at her rebuttal. She wasn’t wrong. Last time she had begged him to come and he had refused, all in the name of protecting her. But he had seen where that ended and he didn’t want a repeat of it.

As much as it pained him, she was right. Din wanted nothing more than to protect her and keep her safe. But in a galaxy like this, with a man like Moff Gideon hunting for him, nothing was safe. It was all inherently dangerous. And Din knew she was more than capable. She was smart and strong. She could stand her own but he still felt uncomfortable with the idea of pushing her into danger directly. It felt like a betrayal to the promise he had made to protect both her and the kid. “Okay.”

She nodded her head against him. “I’ll be fine. You know, I might even be an advantage. I’m pretty smart.”

“I know you are, sweet one.” 

“Well then, we will be fine. We’ve got your crazy Mando strength, the kids hand thing, and my quick-witted humor. It should go very smoothly.” Her body started shaking slightly with laughter and Din couldn’t help but to join in with her. He couldn’t remember the last time anything in his life had gone smoothly and he expected this to be no exception. 

Once the laughing stopped, she rested her hand on his chest, right over his heart, and patted softly. “Really though. I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”

Din nodded, feeling slightly better with her reassurances. She was probably right. It would be okay especially with her there. Din had never really worked with anyone before but everything was different now. She was his rock and he trusted her. She pressed a small kiss onto his jaw and he could feel her smile into it. 

“Din, this is perfect but I am going to be a pain in the ass.”

“What is it?”

“I’m freezing my ass off.” 

Din let out a chuckle, shaking his head. It was probably from all the years he spent in hyperspace, but he was never cold while she managed to somehow always be cold. Even with his body heat and the one blanket over them, he could feel the goosebumps on her skin as he ran a hand over her arm. “You are always cold.”

She huffed. “It’s not my fault you are cold blooded and that this ship is colder than Hoth itself.”

“Where did your blanket go?”

“I think it’s still in my bag. I haven’t gone through it since I got back from Jakku.”

Din started to shuffle, pulling away from her to which she let out a loud whine. “Let me put on my helmet and I’ll grab it for you.”

She sighed contently at him and Din slipped the helmet on his head before opening the door to the cot. Some light from the hull of the ship reached his bed and he could see her face just slightly illuminated, a sleepy, lopsided smile on her face. She looked right back up at him. “Did I ever tell you that you are my hero?”

Din shook his head before slipping out of the bed. He walked over to a corner of the hull, where her bag had been sitting for days now. He bent down, opening it and saw the blanket on the top, with a small piece of folded paper with her name sprawled on it. He picked it up, feeling the weight of it in his fingers. “What is this?” he asked out of curiosity, not opening it.

“What is it?” She said, not bothering to get up to look.

“I think it’s a letter.” He looked back just in time to see her head pop up slightly. She furrowed her eyebrows before beginning to slip out of the bed, wrapping the blanket around her body. 

“What does it say?”

“Just has your name on it.” 

She eventually stumbled over to him and he reached his hand up, offering the letter to her. She reached a hand out from under the blanket, grabbing onto it and reading the writing on the front. “That is Mai’s handwriting.” 

She brought her other hand out, the blanket resting on her shoulders and arms, and began to unfold the piece of paper. Din looked up at her as she began to read. He sat silently, even as her face dropped into a blank stare and her face paled. She suddenly folded the paper up, shaking her head. “What is it?” he asked.

“I don’t know. But I can’t read it right now.” He saw the way her chest was heaving and how her eyes were frantically moving around, as if she was trying to follow something that wasn’t there. 

“Sweet one?”

“It’s something about my family. That’s as far as I got.” Din stood up and looked down at her. She didn’t look at him, her face twisting up as she frantically shook her head as if begging someone to stop. “I can’t do this. I’m am finally okay with everything and I don’t need to read something that will just mess with me.”

“But what if it is something important?”

“If none of them told me and I didn’t find out for this many years, I am sure it can wait.” She scrunched the paper up in her hands, tossing it into the opening of her bag. “Besides, we have to focus on the kid. This can wait. He can’t.”

Din slowly nodded and she forced a smile onto her face. He hated when she did this, when she buried everything in and just put on a smile. He knew it was how she coped and he could identify with that. He was similar, but instead of smiling, he buried everything down and then hunted a bounty to forget. 

Instead of pushing her, he held up the blanket that was still grasped in his hand. She looked at it and chuckled. “Maybe I can sleep now since I won’t be freezing.”

“Are you okay?” Din couldn’t help but to ask. 

“I will be as long as you come keep me warm.” Her hand reached out for one of his and tugged him over. “Let’s go to bed.”

__________

“Well, this is just such a beautiful place. We should come back one day when we are really able to enjoy the sights and sounds.” You sarcastically mumbled, arms protectively held over your chest as you looked all around you. The walls surrounded you, all of which covered in a plethora of graffiti, parts of them crumbling into pieces. The outer rim was not a pleasant place in general, you knew that. But you had finally landed on the planet where Koresh was supposed to be and as soon as you stepped outside the Crest, you just knew it was a real shit hole. And walking through the streets of whatever town you were just confirmed it. 

It was completely dark outside, almost totally silent. You didn’t see any other people around, except for pairs of red glowing eyes that hid in dark corners and made the child whimper. You looked back to the child, who was sitting in his pram that floated beside you. His small ears tucked in slightly on himself and he buried himself into the pram slightly, big eyes looking all around. Looking over at Din, you didn’t detect any sense of unease. He was on what you’d like to call Mando mode. His head was aiming straight forward, attention on the path in front of him. He stood tall and straight, seeming like such an intimidating figure even in such a shady place. He was completely silent, not speaking. He didn’t like to talk much in public and you weren’t sure if it was because he was uncomfortable to do so or if it was a matter of maintaining a reputation that made others cower in fear.

You let out a sigh at his lack of response until you turn the corner, coming to a door. You see the first individual of the night, a Twi’lek standing guard who stares back at the Mandalorian. He doesn’t greet the two of you with anything but a harsh expression. So much for a welcome.

“I’m here to see Gor Koresh.” Din directed, his voice sounding strong through the modulator. Despite the demand, the Twi’lek still doesn’t speak, just looking over at you before his eyes landed on the Child. The kid looked up at him, cooing slightly.

The man looked away, moving aside and pushing the door open for you to pass through. “Enjoy the fights.” was all he said as you and Din entered. As soon as you walked into the building, you felt your face scrunch up. The place smelled like ale and blood strongly, slapping you in the face as soon as you stepped through the door frame.  You walked down some stairs, studying the scene in front of you. Crowds of humans and creatures, some of which you didn’t recognize, sat or stood amongst benches, yelling loudly and banging their fists. You saw some woman sitting besides the men, some looking less impressed by the entertainment than their counterparts and others looking just as engrossed as the others. In the center of the room sat a platform where two Gamorreans were fighting wildly. They were both fearsome creatures with less than desirable faces. They snarled and huffed, though the sound was drowned out by the yelling in several different alien languages that filled the room.

Din strolled over to a bench, seeming unbothered by the scene before him and not in any way distracted by the environment. He plopped down onto a booth, next to a Abyssin you assumed to be the man of the hour, Koresh. He stood out from the crowd, his body draped in richer fabrics and a large ring on one of his chubby green fingers. You sat down next to Din, watching as the child’s pram hovered right beside you.

The Abyssin didn’t seem bothered or intimidated by Din’s presence. He was s gangster, probably used to having bounty hunters around. Probably hired a few himself, perhaps had one or two come after him even. “You know this is no place for a child.” He spoke, his gaze landing on the child and you for just a moment before going back to the fight, his eye glistening with excitement as he appeared totally enamored by the barbaric nature of it.

“Wherever I go, he goes.” You almost wanted to smile at Din’s response. It sounded intimidating coming from him, but you knew the sentiment and honestly behind it. You refrained from doing so, keeping a blank face and trying to keep your gaze on Gor Koresh. You weren’t much for watching fighting, finding it dull and tasteless, though you couldn’t help but to find the banging and rumbling to be distracting.

Koresh just let a chuckle out. “So I’ve heard.”

“I’ve been quested to bring him to his kind. If I can locate other Mandalorians, they can help guide me. I’m told you know where to find them.” You weren’t surprised by Din’s directness or lack of small talk. This was just the kind of man he was, part of it being him and part of it being due to the armor he wore.

The man let out a sigh. “It’s uncouth to talk business immediately. Just enjoy the entertainment.” The creature finally tore his sight away from the fight, giving you a fleeting glance as a smile curved his lips. You knew that smile very well, had seen many men and creatures wear it before. And usually, it didn’t end well for them. “Why don’t you introduce me to your friend? She is quite the beauty.”

You couldn’t help the way your eyebrows raised and face scrunched up in slight disgust. He couldn’t even try to be a little subtle, or at the least more original.. You let out a sigh and looked at him, even though his attention was back on the fight. “How about you just help us?”

Din didn’t turn to look back at you but you saw the way one of his fists clenched. This was his domain and he wasn’t used to others being with him while he worked. And you didn’t want to overstep your boundaries, but you also weren’t going to let this man look at you like that. You wanted to say a lot more, but knew your mouth could get you in trouble and decided to leave it at that.

The Abyssin let out a huff. “Didn’t know you kept women around. Or children too.” The words were directed at Mando, him not bothering to respond to you directly. You wanted to say something but jumped slightly at the sound of loud clanging. The child cooed in distress as you looked at the fight. The two Gamorreans were clanging their axes together, one of which knocking the other to the ground. Cheers rang through the ground but Koresh looked rather annoyed.

“Bah! My Gamorrean’s not doing well. Kill him! Finish him!” An axe was brought down to the fallen warrior, who dodged just in time to avoid the slamming down of the blade.  Koresh smiled just barely at the sight before glancing at Din. “Do you gamble, Mando?”

You couldn’t imagine Din being a gambler. It seemed so unlike him, almost against the ideas he held close to his heart. He wasn’t one to trust luck. He depended on himself and nothing else. “Not when I can avoid it.” He responded.

“What about you, sweetheart? Do you gamble?”

You rolled your eyes at the question. “No. I don’t.”

“I do. Which is why I’m the rich one here.” Koresh responded, letting out a chuckle at his own jab. “How about this? I’ll bet you the information you seek that this Gamorrean’s going to die within the next minute and a half...and all you have to put up in exchange is your shiny beskar armor.”

You felt your eyes widen slightly. You knew Din could handle this creep and you knew that beskar was worth a lot. It was no wonder Koresh wanted it. But you couldn’t imagine Din would be willing to put it on a silly bet based purely on luck. You couldn’t help but to scoff in response. “His armor isn’t on the table.”

Koresh smiled at your harsh response. “Okay. How about we bet the woman then? Wouldn’t mind a new friend.”

Din for the first time looked over at you for just a second, seeing the way your jaw locked. You couldn’t see his face, but you could tell he was angry by the way he moved. He turned over, looking back at the man. His fist was clenched against his lap but he didn’t bite the bait, just calmly responding. “I’m prepared to pay you for the information. I’m not leaving my fate, or hers, up to chance.”

“Nor am I.” In a flash, his hands reaches into his coat, whipping out a blaster at a surprisingly quick speed. A shot rings out in the building, one of the Gamorreans dropping dead, his axe clanging down beside him. You hear gasps and a cry ring out from the audience at the sudden end of the fight. Your head whips over to Koresh, just in time to see several men rise from the bench behind him, all of them whipping out guns that aim right at Din’s head. You felt your chest squeeze up slightly, panic settling into your bones. But Din just remained seated, even as the crowd yelled and rushed out of the stadium from all directions and Koresh rose from his seat, his own blaster aimed at the helmet. You couldn’t help but to wonder how he could always remain so calm. You felt your hand itch towards the blaster on your hip, but you didn’t know what you would do with it. One blaster against a handful of men, all with their own loaded guns, wasn’t a fair fight by a long shot. Trying to do anything might just get you and Din killed immediately so you waited, seeing how Din handled it.

Koresh laughed at your panicked expression. “Thank you for coming to me. Normally, I have to seek out remnants of you Mandalorians in your hidden hives to harvest your precious shiny shells.” You felt rage bloom within you as you realized what this mans job was, your eyes widening in anger. He made money off ruining people’s lives, ripping the amor that means the world to the Mandalorians off of them with no regard for human decency. No wonder he was so rich. “Beskar’s value continues to rise. I’ve grown quite fond of it. Give it to me now or I will peel it off your corpse. And then take your woman as my new companion.” He chuckled once again, his eyes running down your body with a disgusting smile.

“Tell me where the Mandalorians are and I’ll walk out of here without killing you.“ Din, please, please know what you are doing. You trusted Din and you knew some stories of what he has done, though he never wanted to talk about it too much or seem like he was bragging. Din was an annoyingly humble man and it made it hard to find out just what exactly he was capable of. You knew that he was strong, unnaturally so, and you had seen him in action before. But you hadn’t seen enough to know what he was truly able to do. And you couldn’t help the way your heart slammed in your chest, even upon hearing his confident voice make the demand.

Koresh’s face dropped slightly. “I thought you said you weren’t a gambler...”

That was when you saw it out of the corner of your eye. You had completely forgotten about his whistling birds, him having explained it to you weeks ago when you almost hit a button that triggered it. The child must have also sensed what was about to happen, reaching out quickly to hit the button that closed the lid to the pram, sinking into it before the lid closed.  You figured he had the right idea but you just let your hand hover over the blaster, waiting for the next move. 

“I’m not.” Din said. Suddenly, the whistling birds shot out, instantly hitting all four of the henchmen and causing them to drop immediately to the floor.  You feel Din’s arm reach out, pushing you away, and you brought your own leg up to kick the pram back, already knowing what was going to happen next.

The Gamorrean who had been on the platform recovering, rises up, snarling. You see as he was ready to jump down, onto Din. But Din scoots over to the side, causing the large creature to slam down onto the bench, the wood under him cracking and splitting open. You couldn’t help the laugh that left your lips as you saw him pass out instantly. “Now that was too easy.” You chuckled.

Your hand instantly reaches for your blaster as you look away from the fallen fighter. The Twi’lek from the entrance of the building reached for Din, grabbing him from behind. You rise up the blaster quicker than you ever had before, firing off a shot that hit the guard right in the neck, causing him to release Din and drop down to the ground, joining the others. Three people run after Din as Koresh rushed out of the building, trying to escape while you two were distracted by the fighting. You turned to check on the kid, finding the pram still closed before running towards the exit.

You had just made it out the exit when you heard footsteps charging behind you, to find one of the Zabraks that was attacking Din coming after you now. A  You raised your blaster but found it to be no use when the creature dropped dead before your finger could even pull the trigger, revealing a blade sticking out of his back as he landed face down on the dirty ground. Your head whipped up to find Din behind him, only pausing for a moment to look you over for any damage before charging towards Koresh.

You followed closely behind, only to stumble into his back when the Mandalorian stopped dead in his tracks, your body falling into the metal of his armor and clutching onto his shoulders to steady yourself. In what seemed to be a flash, Koresh had his legs stuck in Din’s grappling hook and his whole body was being lifted up by a street lamp. Din didn’t stop until the mans body was dangling upside down, his head only a few feet above the ground.

Din stepped forward, facing the creature who now looked absolutely terrified. Part of you wanted to laugh at the sight but instead you stepped forward and glared at him. The man started swaying, trying to break out of the hooks with no luck. “All right, stop, stop!” He yelled out, looking at Din. “I’ll tell you where he is. But you must give me your word that you won’t kill me.”

“I promise you will not die by my hand. Now, where is the Mandalorian you know of?“ Your eyebrow raised at the odd wording of Din’s answer until you saw the red eyes that lined the streets start caving in slowly, seeming to stare into the scene before them. My hand, he had said.

Karesh let out a groan. “Tatooine.”

“What?” you and Din both said out-loud and the man just let out another groan, face twisted in discomfort.

“The Mando I know of is on Tatooine.“ he repeated.

“I’ve spent much time on Tatooine. I’ve never seen a Mandalorian there.“ Din responded, tilting his helmet just slightly as if thinking, mulling over in his mind whether or not the man was lying to you. You trusted Din, but Tatooine also seemed like it wouldn’t be the most surprising place for a bounty hunter to be. That planet didn’t have the greatest reputation, lots of sleaze bags and criminals roaming around there from what you heard. Wouldn’t be the most shocking thing for a Mandalorian to be there, whether for work or just because of the environment.

“My information is good, I tell you. The city of Mos Pelgo. I swear it by the Gotra!” Another groan left his lips, even louder this time. You rolled your eyes and looked over at Din.

The Mandalorian stood still before giving you a slight nod. “Tatooine it is, then.”

You brought your hand to your waist to grab the knife strapped to it, preparing to cut the man down when Din’s hand reached out for your wrist, holding it still. You looked up at him, waiting for an explanation but he only stared down at you, shaking his head just the slightest bit. You let go of the handle of the knife, leaving it at your side, and looked back at Koresh who looked back at you two expectantly. You saw the red eyes still there, still glowing in the darkness behind him ominously.

Din let go of your wrist and turned, starting to walk down the street with the pram following behind him. Part of you felt like you should cut down the gangster, until you remembered how he made his living. Ruining the lives of other Mandalorians just for some beskar to make him a richer man that he already is. Instead of cutting him, you gave him the sweetest smile you could muster to which his face scrunched up in confusion. “Koresh, it was a pleasure meeting you.”

You began to walk away, following after Din who slowed his pace for you to catch up when the Abyssin started to thrash wildly, panic settling into every pore of his body. “Wait! You can’t leave me like this!”

You turned back one last time and glared at him. “And you can’t take off a Mandalorians helmet. Yet you did. Many times.”

The man continued to scream, the red eyes caving in on him as you looked back at Din, catching up with him. You heard begging and screaming from behind you, but drowned it out. Part of you felt like you should feel guilty. But he had threatened Din. Ruined lives for money.

There was no guilt, no sadness at what was happening in this very moment. Instead you just felt like your body was energized, the adrenaline from the fight still coursing through you. You had spent so much time now on the Crest with Din, and before that you were just on Yungbrii. You had to fight off a couple creeps here and there, but nothing like that. Nothing that made blood course through your body and your heart pound in your ears. You found you could understand why some people found this addicting, why some people chose to be bounty hunters. It was thrilling in a way you’d never felt before.

You glanced over at Din, studying him. He looked completely unbothered and maybe that was because you couldn’t see his face, but you had a feeling the grizzly attack behind him brought him no sense of upset or guilt. You imagined he felt what you were feeling but ten times stronger. The Mandalorians were his people, his clan, and they had been attacked by the selfish monster. You couldn’t help but to wonder if he had any attention of letting Koresh go, even if he hadn’t attacked the two of you.

Shaking away your thoughts, you spoke loudly over the noises behind you which were now slowly drowning away as you continued on. “Where are we headed now?”

“Tatooine.” he responded and you nodded. You supposed it was the right place to start, even if Din didn’t know of any Mandalorians there. “You are okay, right? Nothing is hurt?”

You couldn’t help the small smile that grew on your face at the way his tone softened, the way his whole figure relaxed. You found it amazing how he could change from bad-ass, killer Mandalorian to your soft, caring Din so quickly.

“Yeah. I am fine. You okay?” Din only nodded in response. You looked away from him, to the path in front of you before speaking again. “You know, I have to admit something.”

Din continued walking, staring into the environment around him. “What, cyar’ika?”

“I don’t know if this sounds bad, but that was kind of fun.” You smiled up at him.

Din stopped walking for just a moment, looking over at you and you could hear a chuckle pass through the modulator. “You did well.”

You winked at him before continuing to walk on, the Mandalorians boots crunching behind you as he followed. “Told you I was handy. Now let’s go find this Mandalorian.”

Tag List: @ilikethoseodds @dindaddy @poguesvixen @starspangledwidow @fangirlalexia @the-scandalorian @ka-x-in @keepcalmandblogstuff @the-lady-of-stars @orneryscandalousevil @spaghetti-666 @afootnoteinyourhappiness @the-darkempress @dream-alittlebiggerdarling @dee-vn @eury-dice3 @rb4writers @just-me-and-my-obsessions00 @lxdyred @queen-since-97 @honey-hi @periptil

[dailylgbtmusicals]

the only one making the implication that black men are violent and abusive here is you... how do you not realize that you’re the one perpetuating racism lol. most people who watched the show wouldn’t have even had a thought like that in the back of their minds until.. guess who brought it into the picture? you

Alrighty, strap in because we’re going on a history trip.

This article is a long read and very upsetting (trigger warning for racist images and the n word is used from a film quote) but it’s written by Dr. David Pilgrim, a black sociology professor, and it outlines the existence of the “brute caricature” throughout pieces of media and the impact that it’s had on real people, including the over 3000 lynchings of black Americans between 1882 and 1951 and the shooting down of the Dyer bill in 1922.

I’m not the one making assumptions here. This is a systematic and time honored tradition. Dr. Pilgrim puts it better than I do:

"The brute caricature portrays black men as innately savage, animalistic, destructive, and criminal -- deserving punishment, maybe death. This brute is a fiend, a sociopath, an anti-social menace. Black brutes are depicted as hideous, terrifying predators who target helpless victims, especially white women."

This is extra timely in connection to Carousel, because Billy dies in the process of committing a violent crime against a white man.

In specific connection to Carousel, though, I am not the only person who made this connection. Michael Feingold, a theatre critic, wrote a lengthy column that you can read here that explores how America’s troubled history with race relations and sexism and “every other kind of injustice toward individuals and groups” reflects in our arts, using the revival of Carousel as a case example. He puts it rather plainly when he writes:

“The recent revival of Carousel failed at least partly because it conveyed such discomfort with the collision of its subject matter and its colorblind casting: A swaggering black man who hits his white wife was apparently not the hero anyone involved wanted to put onstage, and so the gifted Joshua Henry came off as the most abashed Billy Bigelow imaginable.“

I think it’s foolish to pretend like we are beyond racism, because we’re not. Racism isn’t a switch, it’s a spectrum, and just because we may not have lynchings or segregation written into our laws doesn’t mean that we’ve reached true equality and we’re not wrestling with stereotypes and preconceived notions that are both consciously and subconsciously affected by things like the media we consume and what it says and crucially doesn’t say.

If we take a look at the site History on the Net, particularly it’s section on imagery and stereotypes and the mission statement for that section, it clearly says:

“The mission of this collection is to educate about the power of imagery in the stereotyping of race. By understanding how it happened, we can recognize it happening now. Once aware, we can make a conscious effort to avoid the messy thinking stereotyping promotes that leads to fear, prejudice, hate, and discrimination. Increasing sensitivity to these stereotypes can promote racial tolerance.”

(Emphasis mine) Which is something that I strongly believe in. You might benefit from reading the article on History on the Net about distancing yourself from the stereotypes, as you seem to believe that I am making a problem where there isn’t one by noting Joshua’s race and the implications included thereof. The last common excuse used as an example on this page addresses that:

“11. We should all just relax and not worry about this stuff. It's really no big deal. It would be nice if this were true. Unfortunately, we will never stop talking about race. Because of this, we must learn to talk about race better than we do now. Ignoring racism, pretending it doesn't exist is not the way to talk better about it.”

I don’t like Carousel for a lot of reasons, and I don’t think it should have been revived at all, and the racist stereotypes that it puts forth are only part of that. When we talk about the revival we often talk exclusively about the implications of putting on a musical that seems to justify domestic abuse through a forgiveness arc of a domestic abuser during the height of the Me Too movement, and that was not a smart move, but we shouldn’t let that obtuse decision overshadow the other harmful aspects, nor should we perpetrate the idea that noticing someone’s race is racist. 

We are not all the same. However, being different does not mean being lesser, it just means that we are having different experiences and coming from different places and carry different histories and cultures. Those differences should be celebrated, not erased. Pretending they don’t exist, whether by saying that you don’t see color or saying that I’m making it racist by noting them, is wrong. White people will never understand what it’s like to live as a person of color, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t still strive to listen to their experiences and recognize that things like media portrayals are a little too complex to express in 550 characters.

[nightswithkookmin]

Does Run ep 119 fall into the period of Jikook's romantic separation/distancing you talked about? By hairstyles I think this is the time you marked as being 'not a couple'? Did I get the timelines right? Please dont get mad, but they seemed especially cozy+close this ep, and not just skinship (I know this is a subjective judgement and dif points of view are allowed). Just curious if you still hold to your theory? We see only tiny snapshots of time. Do you ever retrospectively change your mind?

Me right now. lol

Running away before I give in to the temptation to rumble on for pages. Lol.

Ahhh shit! Too late. lol.

First of all, it's not so much that questions like these irk me...

It's just I've never had to worry about being 'right' or 'wrong' in forming an opinion about anything or on any topic in my life.

I think the night is more beautiful than the day. I think both Trump and Biden are trash- but better Biden than Trump. I think formal education is a damn waste of time and money. I think a lot of things. But I've never had to worry about that I could be right or wrong about them.

I never assume, when I read people's opinions too, that they are right or wrong. I either tend to agree with it or disagree with it or get informed by it if I had zero opinion prior. I find it bizarre when people want to be right and stuff- especially in a community that is nothing but a swirling vortex of thoughts and opinions. Lmho.

You either defend your stand and give evidence to support it but even then we are just all making assumptions.

Also questions like these tend to put me in a position where I feel like if I should respond then I am not only 'defending' my opinions but challenging other's opinions with my opinions and treating my opinions as if they were the facts. But they are not. It's just one opinion against another.

Know what I mean?

I used to be comfortable doing that because I thought it was all friendly debates and discourse until someone drew my attention to it and pointed out to me that when I do that I come across as 'all knowy,' 'presenting my opinions as facts' and 'challenging other's opinions with my opinion'- which y'all are well aware is the case that has launched a thousand hate comments, privacy invasion, doxing, lies and operation boycott Goldy on ship street.

I don't think it's worth it.

Then there is the substantive issue: how these questions are framed. How should I put this...

I never said anywhere that Jikook were broken up during the On era because they were not acting 'cozy'. Who's theory is that? Who said that? I've never peddled the 'Jikook is real because of skinship or their interactions' theory. If anything, I try to distinguish between Jikook's couple moments and their skinship or mere interactions because neither of those two make Jikook real... to me.

If Jikook showing skinship and merely interacting with eachother to you is a determining factor as to whether they are real- it's not, to me. I've made this much clear over the course of my blogs. If it's your metric then it differs from mine and I can't 'challenge' it. Lol.

I have said, Jikook can interact zero in a content and I still could be able to tell if they are a couple.

Similarly, two people can grind on eachother and stick their tongues down eachother's throats and I still will be able to tell they are not a couple within the same group if they are not.

Am I wrong sometimes? Absolutely. Hell, I said JK was going to post for Jimin's birthday. He didn't. I got that wrong.

I do retrospectively change my mind on a lot of things. If say, in the future, Jimin announced he has a kid and is married to a het woman I would backpedal on my theory that Jikook is real. I don't think it's that deep.

If at any one point, I have reason to believe Jikook aren't together any more as a couple within BTS, or that one of them is straight, I would change my opinion about them being in a gay relationship with eachother.

Similarly, if I have reason to believe Jikook have broken up or distanced themselves from eachother at one point, I would say so and not run around the internet yelling Jikook gay, Jikook married.

There are moments, when I thought Jikook were together but they weren't and so I had to change my mind in retrospect too.

It seems to me, that to y'all, as long as I'm saying Jikook are together then I'm right and it's Amen preach but if I say I think they are or were not together at a point in their relationship then suddenly it's, she is a Trump supporter spreading lies about Jikook and dancing in the rain with convicted serial killers while trying to pass off her published work as Jikook fanfiction. It's all very interesting how some people's minds work...

For the record, I said Jikook were broken up within that period because they were not claiming eachother, reassuring eachother, exercising rights of claim and authority, speaking eachothers love language and all the other metrics I have time and again pointed out several times across my posts that they are the qualities that to me make Jikook a couple.

So do you see why I feel some kind of way when people come at me with the, 'they stared at eachother' 'they smiled at eachther' they touched eachother' argument? Y'all must have me confused a certain shipper on the block. Lol.

You tell me they look cozy and intimate, but then I go and check and they are still not claiming eachother or exhibiting any of the qualities that makes them a couple. Lol.

If I say Jikook is in a relationship, it's usually because I have reasons to believe they are in a relationship. If I say Jikook are not together, it's also because I have reasons to believe they are not together. It's really not hard maths.

I forego a lot of sleep to ensure I share my thought process on a lot of my theories and opinions. I have shared across several posts why I believe Jikook is real. I have shared a few of the metrics I use to decide on that opinion and I have shared my thought process on why I believe in certain moments they aren't together.

It's exhausting when I have to repeat that process each time because then it's not about you asking for my opinion on the topic anymore because I've already stated that, it's about you asking me to change my opinion on a topic based on your assessment and your metric and it just doesn't work that way.

Your assertion that Run 119 was filmed in the same era as On is valid I guess... but I have to disagree. I can't tell you exactly when that episode was filmed but if I had to share my two cents on it, I'd have to place it towards the middle of April this year or somewhere around that period. In my opinion.

I say that because Jimin debuted his jet black hair around 14th April when he appeared in a Vlive with RM. Again I do not know exactly when he got his hair changed but as of March 26th, he had blondish hair.

In his March 30th Vlive- the one where JK interrupted Jin's call, he had a cap on so chilee I'm not gonna argue on whether he had dyed his hair at that point or not.

Then there is Suga, who has blonde hair in this Run 119 episode. He had blonde hair from his birthday in early March and tweeted a bunch of photos of himself in blonde hair from March through to April 28th.

Yet in the JinMinGi Vlive on April 27th when Jimin still had jet black hair, Suga seemed to have a jet black hair too. Which means he could have had blonde hair around the time Jimin went black in early April and dyed it black in late April- but that's theory and that's just my assumption. We can know for sure if and when knew content is released which was filmed around that period.

Thus, I doubt if it was filmed during On era like episode 116 and 117- where you could see clearly, Jikook were having issues.

Just because a peice of content is released in succession don't mean they were filmed around the same period...

So yes I agree with you, we only see snapshots of their time and most importantly we see them in DISORDER. BigHit doesn't release content in chronological order as per when they film them- something I keep reiterating throughout my blogs.

And just as a tip for when you want to reconstruct the timeline for accuracy based on their hairstyles, I think you should look to their Live contents and not their prerecorded content. Their VLives and Youtube lives- actual lives not the prerecorded ones passed off as live streams lol, or even their live reactions to when they win awards or do interviews etc.

I think those are a somewhat accurate reflection of the timeline and helps fit contents in their right time period. But even that- it's still 60/40. But that's me. Feel free to use your own metric to access the timeline.

And the part about them seeming cozy within- On Era, I assume? Because that's when I speculated they had a break up?

I wasn't going to address it because it requires me to provide a comprehensive reconstruction of the timeline but I can't do that until a few more years from now when BigHit has released all or most of the content they have on that period.

I'm just gonna have to repeat myself, for the n>th time though and be intentionally vague about it lol - I had decided not to talk about that period again but I have to just because you make it sound like I would go full on frying pan wielding JK on your ass, step for step, for pointing out that Jikook seemed cozy and intimate within that speculated breakup period. Chilee, I'm not a villain. Lol.

I will not whoop your ass for saying that- but you'd have to answer a seven page query if you are an avid reader of my blogs, so clear your schedule. It's gonna be a long day. Lol.

Query: How do you expect Jikook to look like and behave if and when they are not together together?

I keep saying, at the bare minimum, Jikook are friends not enemies. You don't expect them to act like they never knew eachother during such times. But it takes a while for them to settle into that space when they both feel comfortable with being friends and during such period is when you notice them putting up emotional boundaries and distance between them.

Maybe its just because I saw Jikook as friends and got used to them as friends before lovers and so spotting when they are acting as friends comes easy to me? I don't know.

I think it's similar to how people who are used to seeing Jikook as friends can't seem to see past their friendship to seeing them as a couple.

Then there are those who've only known Jikook to be a couple or saw them as a couple first upon entering the fandom and so can't seem to see them as friends or even think of them as friends. It can be a trip for such people. Which one are you?

If you see Jikook as lovers all the time, really I don't. And I don't need the tensions and the silences to sense something is off. JK unable to check RM or anyone within the group when they are crossing boundaries with Jimin is enough tell.

Same way I don't need to the skinship and 'cosy' to tell if they are together. Jk putting up emotional distance with certain members within the group- all but Jimin, is enough evidence for me.

We don't have to all see Jikook through the same lens to enjoy them. And we don't have to agree on everything too.

We are different people, with different backgrounds and experiences. We can't think the same or perceive on things the same.

I keep saying, to me, there is a quality to Jikook that makes them more than friends. If I see those qualities in them, I believe they are a couple. If not, they are not. Those are the qualities I see only between Jikook and what set them apart from the other ships in BTS.

I see their friendship and I also see their other stuff.

And I notice, during certain periods that they lose that quality that makes them couples- for them to be a couple they need to be speaking eachothers love language, exercising certain rights and privileges over each other, claiming eachother, reassuring eachother yadda yadda yadda and a whole others that don't include them merely talking to eachother or engaging in skinship.

When I talk about Jikook On Era break up period, I'm talking about the period from the 21st to 28th February this year- or the period right before it.

Thats the period I noticed a drastic change in Jikook's interactions and even their personalities. It gave me the feeling that jikook had been through something heavy prior to that date. That period seemed more like the aftermath of a break up rather than the beginning of it as there seemed to be a drastic flip in their dynamics compared to any era before that. Especially late December or around the period when they filmed Carpool Karaoke.

They weren't doing any of the things I've mentioned above that to me make them a couple- they were just interacting and pretty much being civil- except for JK. He seemed more angry, less tolerant and very assertive against Jimin and the group.

He was being super self assertive and was asserting himself even against Jimin- something he has been doing a lot this year which I keep talking about.

Jimin didn't seem different to me at all to me in that period until April.

Why do I feel you are forcing me to talk about something I don't want to talk about? Lol.

I mark that period as significant not only because of the changes that took place in Jikook's dynamics but because it marks the genesis of the JK we are experiencing today.

Their interactions within that period were reflective of a consistent pattern of behavior they've exhibited around periods when they are not together- JK putting up boundaries, not claiming JM, JM trying to reconnect etc.

For instance, at Music Bank on the 28th of February, Jimin did that thing with Jin when he noticed JK interacting with Tae but JK didn't mind him or claim.

Contrast that with their moment on the 1st March, at Inkigayo, where JK literally teleported his ass to stand behind JM when he noticed JM had started his shenanigans on the stage.

Jikook started claiming eachother and acting as a couple again from then- they started reassuring eachother and doing all these things that to me mark them as a couple. Again, this is only an assumption, I don't have the comprehensive breakdown of the period- yet because there are new contents being released on a daily.

On 6th March, during Music Bank when Hobi hugged Jimin during their interview JK reacted strongly to that too in my opinion.

On 30th March, JK interrupted Jin's call to flirt and ask JM on a date- you could see them acting as a couple from that moment at Inkigayo on 1st March throughout to 30th March and their interactions were consistent.

Their interactions in the period before that was pretty much inconsistent and filled with a lot of Jump cuts- which I'm hoping future contents will help fill the gaps for me so I can build a comprehensive breakdown of that era- at least for my self. Iol.

It's just the way Jikook usually behave after these period. They go through a reconnection phase, where they constantly try reassure eachother and then eventually end up in a honey moon phase of a sort where you'd see them flirting up and down the hills, acting super touchy, hitting the red marks- making us and the others feel weird and super uncomfortable watching them.

It's also important to note that around the period of them reconnecting, JK had started distancing himself from Tae. He puts up emotional boundaries with the others and closes himself off to them when he opens himself up to Jimin.

I mean if I'm 'wrong,' and I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying if I'm wrong because of your two seconds clip of them acting 'cozy,' then I gotta ask what happened to JK in this period? Why was he putting up boundaries between him and Jimin in that period, and what set him on this self assertive path he's been on throughout this year- think about that while I hold on to my he went through a nasty breakup and had an emotional trauma that pushed him on a path to reevaluate and set his priorities straight theory. Lol

I think some of the content they have released so far within that period were filmed either closer to or far from when that break up happened- Run 116 and 117 would be the closest to that period so far- I just don't know if it was before 21st February or after it.

Run 100 and 101 would also have been filmed relatively closer to that period or immediately after it because Jimin was behaving in those Runs the same way he was behaving during the On Comeback Special VLive which was released on 21st of February- I feel the breakup would happened before this date.

In both those Runs and the On comeback special, Jimin seemed beat, humbled and subdued. He was trying to establish eye contact with JK during the comeback VLive, egging him on to talk about his looks, and putting boundaries between him and the other members. He seemed to be on his best behavior.

For instance, in the Comback he seemed like he was walking on eggshells around Kookie and didn't want to create the impression he was going out of his way to flirt with the others or portray himself as available and so when Suga touched his waist or back, he asked him to stop.

Similary, in Runs 100/101 behind scenes or something, when they were eating and he noticed Tae had food residue on his lips, he tried to help him clean it but panicked and stopped the moment he sensedJK lifting his head up- it seemed he didn't want to piss JK off in those two instances. JK for the most part just seemed serious and less tolerant of JM's bs within that period.

Juxtapose JM's behavior in these two instances with the events at Music Bank and Inkigayo where he was hugging Jin and acting extra around Kook- which to me seemed like he was looking for reassurance by trying to get JK to claim him but of course JK didn't do that.

Jimin likes being reassured by JK when he is feeling 'insecure.' And often, JK reassures him when he notices JM going through that. Jimin does the same for JK.

They are intune with eachother's emotional needs and they consciously go out of their way to meet them.

Take the recent MAMA speech moment when JM was giving a speech and he seemed like he need support- emotional support and back up. Jk turn fully and instantly towards him to let him know he was there for him. We've seen Jikook do this a countless times. I value these moments over them showing skinship or screaming eachother's names.

In the recent BE press conference red carpet moment when JM tried it with RM- did you notice JK's reaction? They both seemed like they were trying to piss eachother other off or make each eachother jealous during that red carpet moment.

JM with RM and JK with Jin. JK grabbed Jin's neck when he noticed JM intentionally acting all up close and friendly with his buddy buddy RM and the frown on his face. He didn't seem too amused with JM doing that...

- it's weird, I know, but it's also their way of reassuring eachother and expressing interest in eachother. Don't judge. It's Jikook- just look away, keep it pushing. Nothing to see here. Lol.

Had it not been for the live events around that On period, I probably wouldn't have noticed these things because the content from BigHit around the period were only showing glimpses of their interactions which again seemed like the aftermath of their breakup and not the start of it.

I think their ability to get to that space where they are each comfortable with relating freely and 'cozy' around eachother as friends depends on how soon they interact on cameras after they've gone through such periods.

If they film immediately soon after, or during, often the tension between them is much more evident like in run 116 and 117.

If they film much later from it, then you wouldn't even notice a damn thing at all. In my opinion. Especially, if you don't know the difference between Jikook as friends and Jikook as lovers.

You can never tell though if you focus solely on Jimin's behavior during such periods- because Jimin is just that guy. He doesn't bring the drama to work. He will smile sunshine through the pain and act like nothing happened. For JK it's different, in my opinion.

Jimin has a very high emotional intelligence quotient and seems to process emotions better and faster. JK is not like that. It is why I feel, he tends to put up physical and emotional barriers with Jimin and with the others sometimes when he is going through it.

They all process emotions at different paces. In my opinion.

I'm starting to wonder if y'all think Jikook is one sided at this point. Lol. Jikook is not one sided. Jimin is not the only one in their relationship. You can't focus on him alone to decide if your ship is sailing or in a good place- because guess what? Jimin can put up a show of it.

It's just as how Tuktukkers tend to focus on Tae rather than JK in determining whether they still have a ship or not. If they paid attention to JK for one minute, they would know their ship got lost at sea at debut.

I keep saying JM's 'the boy in love with Jungkook' persona is a facade. He loves JK through this facade but you have to look past it. I mean this is the guy who told Jin JK doesn't act a certain way around him, but backpedaled and said he was just 'saying it for content' when Jin called him out on it. Same guy Jk says, he intentionally acts cutes when he notices the cameras on him.

You gotta wonder what else he does just for content and for the cameras. Isn't this why people claim Jikook is fanservice?

You have to pay attention to JK too you know? They have different personalities, different ways of handling issues, different ways of loving and different ways of solving problems.

Jimin over expresses himself and tries to establish contact when he is at the recieving end of a freeze out. He did the same thing on stage with JK during Manila when he tried to have a conversation with Kook- to squash whatever issues they had been having but JK needed his space physically and emotionally.

Jimin was sat next to Suga chatting with him, asking him questions, laughing with him but the moment Suga touched him he snapped. He did the same thing in Dynamite MV reaction VLive when JK teased him with Suga. He snapped almost instantly and didn't seem happy with it- he doesn't want to be shipped with Suga and yet he is the one constantly going 'I miss Suga hyung' 'Suga and I are the parents and JK is the son"

In run 116, you could see him trying to interact with Kook even when Kook was clearly putting up boundaries with him. Had Kook not been closed off to him in that moment, we probably would never have noticed anything was off with them honestly.

And that hug JM gave Kook in the end, did you see him looking sideways as if he was doing something wrong? Compare that moment with the Siriux FM interview where he had his hands around Kook. He didn't seem- what's the word, scared.

And by the way, that moment was also filmed on the 21st of February in the US, the same day of their Rockefeller interview and the same day the On Comeback Special VLive was released- so do the maths? Was that the start of a break up or the aftermath of it?

Jimin was leaning forward in that period true, but was JK receiving and reciprocating his actions and matching them throughout that period? No. Or may be its debatable- you tell me. Lol.

Jikook behave in a certain way and give off a certain vibe when they are good and sailing- but not all such moments is because they are a couple. In my opinion.

When they get to that good space where they can be comfortable around each other, they sail as friends too.

It's just like, when they are not good and they give off bad vibes. But not all the bad vibes they give off is because they are not good. Know what I mean?

It's all up to how you perceive them and how much you understand of their dynamics I guess.

It is my understanding that, JK opens up to certain other members within the group while simultaneously putting up boundaries with Jimin when he is having serious problems with Jimin. From my observation of their interactions.

So I ask, within the period of 21st February to 28th, was he leaning towards this certain member he was suddenly BFFs with around the time of their break up or was he leaning away from him? He literally teleported away from him to be next to Jimin when they were getting back together and Tae didn't seem amused by that either.

It's Jikook, I get it. I think you need to pay attention to the way they interact with the other members within the group too? Because that's equally telling. Sigh.

It is my understanding that, Jimin is quick to anger yet quick to forgive and he sometimes glosses over things, puts a lot of energy and efforts into embellishing his relationship with Kook and presenting them as the perfect duo and the perfect relationship- which is something that I think psychologically induces the Kumbaya in a lot of Jikook shippers and influences them into thinking their relationship is perfect and kumbaya. But that's another topic for another day.

JK makes Jikook more real. To me.

I hear often, people talk about how Jimin is less touchy than JK and has personal boundaries within the group and how over the years, he has toned down on his touchiness with the other members because JK puts up a lot of boundaries for him around the members with the frying pans and what not, and would fume whenever Jimin or anyone crosses those boundaries...

But have y'all ever wondered the kind of boundaries Jimin put up for JK within the group and expects JK to uphold within the group when they are together? Hint: It's not JK's touchiness or lack of boundaries. Y'all be connecting the wrong dots. Lol.

Jk puts up physical boundaries for Jimin because that is important to him. Jimin put up emotional boundaries for JK because that is important to him. They overlap sometimes but those times are insignificant to me.

Jk's certain bonds suffer because of Jimin. And he stops respecting those boundaries when he and Jimin are no longer together and the moment they are back together, he puts those boundaries up again with those bonds- this is Morse code, if you catch on message me with it. Wink.

JM throwing his arms around Kook during a serious interview is not him claiming JK or reassuring him. JK yelling Jimin to the power Z is not him exercising right of authority over Jimin- lovers do that. Know who else does that? FRIENDS. Lol.

It's nothing Hobi doesn't do with JM or the other ships don't do.

Listen, I saw all the good bits and things that you saw in that period too and still I formed my opinion on that era the way that I did and have. And the new content from that era, Run 116 and 117 all follow the same pattern of behavior I noticed around that period and have talked about. So no, my view on that era hasn't changed.

Unless, your objective is to have me change my mind based on the 'wrong' timeline dots you've connected, then we would just have to agree to disagree. Lol.

If you believe Jikook were together during that period, I agree to disagree on it. Feel free to disagree with my opinion too.

Always ship Jikook in the way that makes sense to you. And support them while you are at it. Jikook is real. Bless you.

Signed,

GOLDY

[szynkaaa]

The Boy Movie Timeline or Why Did Brahms Have a Beard And How Long Did It Take Him to Grow It

Again, I apologize for any spelling and grammar mistakes in advance.

Malcolm comes by weekly to deliver groceries. For the sake of simplicity, let’s say it’s a Monday, he delivers grocery every Monday.

**** Week 01 ****

Day 01 - Monday

Greta arrives at the manor, bumps into Malcolm who was delivering grocery and showed him the way to the parlor to meet the Heelshires

Day 02 - Tuesday

The Heelshires goes on vacation

Greta does not follow the rules, including throwing leftovers away. We know that Brahms is watching her all this time - he knows PBJ is her favorite, since he said later he made her her favorite

Makes me actually wonder if he made the sandwich because he watched her doing it or if at some point he fished out the leftover from the trash like the hobo he looks like

I’m personally leaning toward watch-and-then-do, I think that despite living in the walls he is being well-fed by his parents, and he has his own little food storage in his lair, he never needed to resort to fishing leftover out of the trash

Brahms “okay-I’m-hungry-but-I-have-standards” Heelshire

That being said, in the first week not too much happened. Seems like Brahms is biding his time and watching, gauging what will happen next. And clearly he had enough food for a week in his storage to feed himself.

Moved the blanket off the doll, that’s pretty much all the shenanigan he did iirc

Goes without saying, but basically all ten rules have been broken here lmao

**** Week 02 ****

Day 08 - Monday

Malcolm drops by again for his delivery + Greta’s paycheck Malcom asked her out  

Greta agrees to go out with Malcolm. We learn that sound is amplified and from the doll’s room, you can hear everything. It’s not clear however, whether it’s just what is being said in the guest room to the doll room (Brahms’ eavesdropping on everything) or whether the majority of the rooms - if not all the rooms - in the house are amplified.

I personally think that everything in the house amplified in some way, maybe some rooms more than the others. Brahms most likely has very good hearing and knows all the sounds and creaks in the house well enough to realize if something is ever off. Plus he’d need to be able to hear everything in case there is the risk of his hideout to be discovered I assume.

Greta gets locked in the attic overnight

Day 09 - Tuesday

Greta is let out of the attic, Malcolm comes over bla bla bla

He also rings the phone once but doesn’t say much beside some heavy breathing.

Must be hard to breathe under that mask lmao

Confirmed here that the reception there is shit and there is no TV or computer and stuff

Day 10 - Wednesday

TL;DR Brahms made her a PBJ sandwich as an olive branch. Greta starts to do take the rules serious and follow the instruction

Day 11 - Day 14

Mr. and Mrs. Heelshire writes the goodbye letter to Brahms

**** Week 03 ****

Day 15 - Monday

Malcom says that he came earlier than usual with his food delivery to check up on her. In the previous scene we hear the phone ringing but Greta decided not to pick up - safe to assume it was Malcom to check up on her. We don’t know whether he showed up a day or two earlier or just earlier in the day. My assumption would be he simply showed up at an earlier time than usual.

Malcolm brings in the post - including the goodbye letter from the Heelshires

Greta’s chalk experiment

Brahms only moves the doll after Greta says that she will have to leave if Brahms won’t show any signs that his spirit is there. I guess that is another nod toward that Brahms as abandonment issue?

Sometime during the day or night Brahms goes and collects the letter and learns about his parents’ passing.

Day 16 and 17 - Tuesday to Wednesday morning

Cole shows up and that’s where everything pretty much goes south

So basically the whole movie spanned across 17 days. We know that on the morning the Heelshires were leaving for vacation Brahms threw a tantrum - it’s not explained why. I personally think is because he doesn’t want his parents to leave him. They did say that they haven’t gone on a vacation in a long time. The way Mrs. Heelshire breaks down and says “Mummy has to go now. You have to be a good boy because you promised us”... oof, it hits hard. It shows that Brahms has been emotionally abusing his parents and the mom sounded like she was at her wits end and just so done with everything (in a very bad way).

Parallel to that scene, during Greta’s escape, Brahms’ voice starts to crack when he says “I’ll be good, I will” and shouts at her to come back. I’ve always felt in this scene he seemed very desperate to keep here there. He didn’t want his parents to go on vacation. Then he finds out that his parents are never going to come back, Greta is there now in their place instead. The news of his parents passing at that point is still very very very fresh.

Now for the reason why I spent 3h this morning putting the timeline together: Brahms’ Beard xD

Tried to find some shots that gives a better angle on just how much beard he has:

The last photo is taken from this article about the cgi mask. I’m 99.99% sure this is James Russell’s face and they were testing a bunch of different masks on him (the eye color and shape of the ear matches) soooo this photo is pretty good reference on how much beard Brahms had under the mask xD

This is where I had to google a lot of things because ya girl does not have a beard so I had to educate myself there. Each beard grows at a different speed.

Based on the volume of his beard, my guess would be that it did take Brahms good 2-3 months to grow the beard? Meaning that well before Greta accepted the job, our boy was already too lazy to bother shaving his beard. He’s living behind the walls and everyone thinks he’s dead, there isn’t really anyone he needs to impress so really, who cares what he looks like. Mummy and Daddy want to see him wearing the mask all the time anyway.

I hope at least he has a decent bear care routine. Again, long beard =/= bad hygiene. Brahms takes care of his hygiene and this is the hill I will die on. Probably orders his socks by colors if he would lead a normal life.

Ending this post with some pic of James Russell with a stubble because who hasn’t imagined shaving the beard for Brahms (I know it and you know it and Brahms’ knows it too):

[thewebcomicsreview]

Normally I open up the Homestuck 2 liveblog with a tongue-in-cheek comment about how reading HS2 is pain, but I just watched the debate and HS2 looks incredible by comparison, so let’s see if this good mood carries over. Looks like we’re on Candyland, too, Candy updates tend to be better (or at least bad in a funny way) than the oft-boring Meat updates, and personally, I think “The Omega Kids fuck around” is the best part of HS2 by yards.

Man, that lamp is almost perfectly positioned to draw a line through the image separating the two scenes (the dialogue for which is on two separate columns), but it’s just the tiniest bit off-center. I wonder if that was intentional and mobile-responsiveness is just a cruel mistress. It’s a cute touch, if so. I suppose the door (and the photos, which are the same height as the door) also serves the same purpose of having the two scenes be sectioned off. I don’t really know a lot about “scene composition” so maybe I should stay in my wheelhouse, but I think it’s divided very nicely

HARRY: and some of us aren't gods and shit. JOHN: i'm detecting a hint of judgement in your voice, there, harry anderson JOHN: don't you enjoy being a part of all this? finally getting to be in the thick of it all?

John, always dense, has not picked up on Harry Anderson’s demotion to Harry. He’s also inserting a lot of his own desires onto Harry, here, too. Vrissy is the one who wanted to be in the thick of it all (thematic idea to stick a pin into to see if it plays out: John should be mentoring Vrissy and Vriska should be mentoring Harry. Some evidence that HS2 is building this idea, but not a lot yet)

HARRY: now YOU look like you're hiding some extra commentary. JOHN: oh, i don't need to burden you with all the bureaucratic stuff, it's boring.

You gotta subscribe to John’s $20/mo Patreon tier for that, Harry.

JOHN: because here i am, sitting in the dugout, same as you. HARRY: in the dugout? JOHN: oh, or, uh... JOHN: what's a metaphor you might like better... HARRY: no, JOHN: i'm like the uhh...understudy. HARRY: dad. no, jesus, you don't have to do this. JOHN: or i got cast in as babysitter number 2 when i had auditioned for, i dunno, HARRY: yeah, please, i got the baseball metaphor. HARRY: i'm not a complete fucking nerd.

John doesn’t really “get” theater kids, I get. It makes me think a little of how John’s dad thought John was massively into clowns. Also, this is a cute.

JOHN: it's been really nice to get to spend so much time with you. HARRY: um. yeah, it's not so bad. HARRY: anyway, before you ruffle my hair or anything, it looks like things are getting a bit heated between the vriskas over there. HARRY: maybe we should offer them a snack to bring the mood back down? JOHN: me, mess up your hair when you’ve worked so hard on that look? i do know you at least that well, harry anderson HARRY: thank god.

This is also cute. Harry maybe the only person in the entire cast of Homestuck or Homestuck 2 to have a semi-normal relationship with his parents.

Speaking of semi-symmetry, the line where Harry says how happy he is to stay home almost lines up perfectly with Vriska being furious that she has to stay home. I wonder again if that’s a coincidence of if someone had a really clever idea that didn’t make it fully intact through editing (or was considered not worth the effort). 

VRISKA: How are you so calm right now? Your lusii were training you, right? And you’re a troll, you’re definitely five times stronger than a human! And if you’re my clone, you are way more 8adass than little miss Fussy Fangs.

Vriska is making several false assumptions here, but the most interesting one is that Vrissy is Vriska’s clone. She’s not. She’s descended from Vriska, and takes after Vriska very strongly, but it’s not a one-to-one thing.

VRISSY: 8ut I guess this Situation is Kind of Serious? VRISSY: There’s a whole Plan and Stuff Like that. VRISKA: Clearly not a good plan, 8ecause then I would 8e part of it!

Vriska.jpg

VRISKA: That’s just even more indication that they don’t know what they’re doing! Lalonde and Maryam have had however many sweeps to get older and stupider, 8ut from where I’m standing, it was literally only a few days ago that I was their commander! I am primed for the 8attlefield!

Okay, this line is across from John saying he’s in the dugout. There is absolutely an intentional, if not one-to-one strict, mirroring of these two conversations that’s actually really neat. I should go back to the other times HS2 has had conversations formatted like this to see if this mirroring has been happening all along. It’s a really good use of the format! I like this a lot! 

JOHN: so anyway, as you can see, this would have worked just fine! HARRY: no i think karkat’s right. this looks like shit, dad. JOHN: you know, me letting your earlier use of the word "fuck" slide wasn't a blanket approval for all cursing in front of me. HARRY: sorry. HARRY: try not to make such a shit plan, and i won't call it that. JOHN: haha wow.

The other thing I like is the John/Harry dynamic. 

HARRY: it's not like i think i'm any better! HARRY: i mean, i still can't believe i told vrissy and them to bring a dead celebrity to school. HARRY: what was i THINKING. JOHN: you were thinking it sounded hilarious! JOHN: but yeah, in hindsight, maybe not the best call. JOHN: maybe it’s genetic? HARRY: yeah. HARRY: i kinda can’t believe we’re all still alive, actually. HARRY: and how did YOU make it this far, being so bad at this? JOHN: i had my friends with me, i guess.

John your friends repeatedly tried to kill you and succeeded at least twice. 

He’d spent so long seeing mostly the best parts of Roxy in Harry Anderson. He forgot, he guesses, to look for himself in there, too. And if what they have in common right now is a lack of strategic foresight, hey, he’ll take it.

I’m slowly developing a theory that John is subconsciously the narrator of Candy, given how everything suddenly started going John’s way after Calliope left (and how the narrator seemed to really hate Gamzee last chapter). Remember, John has spoken in narration before in HS1, but never seemed to realize he was doing it. I probably need to essay this theory out at some point, but not now.

Oh, hey! Jane does have goons! And they’ve slightly change the way they draw Rose’s hair, so her head isn’t a perfect circle with lines on it. This looks much better. 

JANE: I haven't given a political speech in years, Ms. Lalonde. I don't know what you're referring to. I'm just a simple business woman. JADE: right with her own talk show JADE: and multi billion dollar merchant company and lobbying groups! JANE: That's what a business woman is, Jade, dear.

I know that this is supposed to be Capitalism Bad, but “You claim to be a businesswoman when you own a merchant company!”. Jade. Come on. This reads less as Jane going “Of course I’m evil, I’m a CEO” and more that Jade literally doesn’t know what a business woman is. 

JANE: You are on my territory, in the presence of my secret police, laying your hand on my investment.

Jane you don’t own “territory” do you not know what a businesswoman is either?

JANE: Your ship is in contested airspace. You will land, whereby it will be confiscated by the Royal Human Guard. After that you will be taken into custody. 

CONTESTED BY WHOM, JANE? WHO THE FUCK IS THE WAR BETWEEN?!

JADE: shut the fuck up for a minute and look up!

There’s a BIG-ASS spaceship like ten feet in front of you! Did you not notice until Jade pointed it out?

Also why does the Rebellion ship have the Crockercorp prongs on it?

JANE: Or have you forgotten who has been paying for her schooling and taking charge of her introduction into society? JADE: i never asked you to do that! JADE: you offered! JADE: so stop calling me ungrateful for not sucking your dick over things i never asked for!

Sorry again, Jade, are you implying that you wouldn’t have given your daughter an education had Jane not offered? “Rose and Jade entrusted their daughter to Jane, who they were at war with” is an enigma of a plot point.

The world is watching her be dressed down by a couple blood traitor rebels, one of which has very prominent dog ears. Jane wonders if either of them are even recognizable to the assembled as two of the old gods. One of her PR managers had recommended that she keep her look as static as possible, so that people can always recognize her as Jane Crocker, Captain of Industry, Creator of Earth C, Maintainer of Peace and Plenty.

Jade has always had dog ears what the fuck? I guess this is supposed to be Jane’s warped thinking.

So, anyway, Kanaya fake-holds Tavvy hostage, Jane buys the threat as real and they build up like Jane is going to sacrifice her own son for PR points but she ultimately stands down and lets everyone go. It’s left intentionally vague whether or not she was always going to do this, or if she didn’t want to do it in front of Jake, or if the presence of Jake stirred something in her that made her change her mind. I like the ambiguity. 

This was a very “Homestuck 2″ update. The plot of kind of nonsense, but it’s carried by the character interactions and a bit of cleverness.

[gyuprint]

not to sound dumb but like i’ve truly never understood why people are so adamant abt wayv not being nct?? Like why is it such a bad thing if they are? Im just genuinely curious bc i havent seen anyone explain why

sm is notorious for the mistreatment of their chinese idols, and this is no different in wayv’s mistreatment. if sm cared about wayv they would not lack promotions past the few magazines they have been featured in. yes it is content, but they did not sign up to be magazine models, they signed up to be idols. if sm truly wants them to be nct they can start by proper recognition of wayv and wayv members as a whole. people do not want to stream on qqmusic because it is confusing and people have said ‘chinese is scary’ but actively navigate through korean websites. point blank, that is sinophobia. when people only choose to support wayv if they are considered nct, it is very evident that they do not stan wayv nor do they pay attention to their talent. if wayv was added to nct we would once again have to watch as members get pushed to the side and made as back up dancer, and people would not care for them past the interactions they had with their fav.

i would also like to say that i have no doubt that wayv was initially supposed to be nct china, they were marketed as such, but it did not turn out that way, and no amount of arguing is going to change wayv’s mistreatment and the way a majority of fans who want ot21 fail to ignore this.

i think i should break this down into sections for individual members mistreatment because that is the easiest way. (obviously some members are going to have longer sections) it also should be noted that there are a lot of people more vocal about this on twitter and a lot of the people who want ot21 simply do not support wayv on the platforms that matter to them. there is a lot of blatant sinophobia laced within how they try to defend themselves, and i do not see why it makes them so angry for wayv to not be considered nct. honestly, i do not have a probably with ot21zens as long as they do support wayv the way they claim they do, i am not asking them to love wayv as much as they love one of the other units, because i think it is normal for people to have favorites and this is seen with the distinction between 127 and dream, but to support them on the chinese platforms that matter to wayv’s success. that being said, i can break down the ways that wayv members would not and did not benefit from being classified as nct, as well as their erasure from the brand entirely and the way fans view the members. (mostly seen with winwin) i am sure i missed things, but these are all the things that really stick out to me.

kun: i think his is a case that is more clear because he has been a member of nct since 2016 with the debut of without u chinese version and his appearance on nct life solidifies his involvement with it. however, this is not something that has lasted. after that debut he was thrown back into the basement and quite honeslty viewed as a babysitter for the rookies at the time (jungwoo and lucas). when nct 2018 happened and he finally got to ‘debut’ he was featured in one song on a full album, and literally got no lines and very little center time. he was treated so bad that people who didnt stan nct thought that he was a backup dancer. he went to smtown but sat backstage for a majoirty of the concert. if we fast forward to his proper debut with wayv and the title of leader, we see that there comes a problem with the way people viewed him. i have seen countless people say that he is not wayv’s leader because taeyong is, as if we have seen taeyong properly and thoroughly interact with the other wayv member. kun has been there to support wayv members as nothing less than a leader, seen through him comforting them, but also accepting awards. yangyang has expressed that kun is someone who sacrifices a lot to keep him - and the other members - safe and happy. there are people that continue with kun mom jokes even though he has expressed his discomfort with it, and since the debut of wayv, he has not been mentioned by sm. he very clearly gained nothing from being in nct, and continues to have ‘fans’ who undermine his talent. wayv’s inclusion into nct would only result in him functioning as a background member as kun stans / weishennies are the only ones who remain really angry about the matter.

winwin: this case is honestly the one i have the biggest problem with because he was quite honestly a founder of the nct brand. he was there for nct 127′s debut, but was erased from the group by the time they were given proper - well deserved - time to shine. if you have read reports you will know that winwin was stripped of his teenagedom, and his education was hindered in a way he openly did not want. he got little to no lines in absolutely every nct 127 song, and that still is a problem within wayv. sm ent turned down numerous acting opportunities for him. there are so many people who claim it is okay because he is ‘happier in wayv’ but that is so insulting. of course he has a bond with wayv, but to make assumptions about his friendships and speak for him on a matter that is very clearly deeper than what fans see is so insensitive. there was a video of him that shows how he was so upset about not promoting with 127, people need to stop assuming the friendships of people they stan. you do not know them and you do not know what they are thinking and you do not see every interaction they have. not to mention, he was not allowed on 127′s world tour when he was doing nothing, there is no reason he should have gotten the treatment he did by sm ent. people who want him back in 127 want him there not because of how it is a place he belongs, but because they want interactions. i guess this speaks more on his mistreatment, but also how overall, if wayv really was nct 127, why did they erase winwin from the history of it. not to mention with kick it, they kicked out the only chinese member before doing a concept based around chinese culture.

ten: his case gets different because while he did have to take leave, there was a knee injury involved with it. i think a lot of fans have issue with the way he is treated by sm, not only as an nct member, but also as a member of superm. while he did get more opportunities with nct 2018 then kun did, he has still been mistreated in ways. his name has been mispelled on official logo even though it is literally three letters long, his face has been cropped off of official websites and only when fans get mad does sm fix it. all in all, his connection to the nct brand has given him nothing. people who claim to be ot21 and decide to ‘actively support him’ do nothing but perpetuate jokes that are very outdated and over obsess on ships. there are so many shippers that fail to see ten as his own person. 

lucas: he is a member that i think also does not gain anything more so from superm than nct as seen with how he lacks lines, but the way nctzens treat him is a main reason him viewed as nct angers me. throughout 2018 and even since his inclusion in wayv and superm, people view him as stupid. they make fun of him for the amount that he switches between languages, and many only pay attention to them when it comes to his looks. there are a lot of people who claim he lacks talent. his inclusion back into nct would result more in peoples wish for interaction and less in actual support for him. 

xiaohenyang are going to be lumped together because the simple matter of the fact for them is that they did not ever get introduced as nct member. unlike the previously mentioned there has been no recognition of them as nct members from sm ent and sm ent classifies them entirely as wayv. a lot of people near debut for wayv - and their introduction as rookies - only stanned them because they looked like nct members. i had to sit through people claiming that yangyang was a ‘bargain/walmart version of mark’ and making claims of a nationality that he doesnt have. (yangyang is . not . german . he only lived there for a portion of his life, and saying he is german would be like saying jaehyun is american). yangyang’s solo asteroid as well as his recent release (dance cover and mixtape with kun) have been neglected as people fail to realize he is easily sm’s next ace. asteroid hasnt even reached 1M views yet, and i have talked to people who want wayv to be nct that did not even know he had a solo song. hendery is another member viewed as ‘stupid’ and used as meme by people who can not tell him apart from ten while also claiming to stan wayv. and the same thing is seen by people who make passive comments about xiaojun, spelling his name wrong and pointing him out through the few times they have asked him about nct 127 and he has responded. no support is shown to him about his vocals or his predebut work, and there is mistreatment in the way all of these rookies debuted in a group that was later left sitting doing nothing.

[writingfromkitchenator]

Jaskier ~ Uncomfortable to Comfortable

1,300 Followers Challenge!

Masterlist

Requested by @ifitaketwomoresteps

Words: 1,232

Warnings: Neutral Reader, annoyed reader, minor bitching, fluffy end

You couldn’t believe that Geralt had done this to you.  You were a scholar, not a baby sitter, and yet here you still were.  Getting a headache because the bard would not shut up.

He was talking like you were listening, despite the pile of scrolls and old books that you had surrounding you, your head down over your own pages, quill in hand as you tried to focus on taking notes.  For the umpteenth time, however, you found yourself writing the words he was saying, instead of actually what you wanted to write.

Long-time friends of Geralt, you hadn’t thought much when he’d asked for a place to stay for the night, this having happened more than once over the years. When he’d asked for his traveling companion as well, as far as you’d been concerned, a friend of Geralt’s, was a friend of yours.

You couldn’t believe how much you regretting this decision.

You were now glaring at Jaskier as he talked, but he still seemed completely oblivious to your disgruntlement.  Geralt had left early at some point in the early morning, telling Jaskier that he was going on a hunt and for Jaskier to stay with you until he returned.

A part of you was thinking that Geralt wouldn’t return, and that was more infuriating than anything else, wondering exactly what you’d done to deserve this.

“Perhaps it wasn’t the right melody,” Jaskier said.  “I would’ve thought that it would fit, but Geralt just say there, like always, looking unimpressed.  It’s his name that I’m trying to fix up, you would think that he’d appreciate that!”

Sighing, you stared at your page, dismayed even more at seeing just how many scribbles there was.  You decided to scrap it and move to a clean page, but no further move to pick up your quill again, knowing that you were only going to get the same results.

Jaskier cleared his throat, and you realised that he’d finally addressed you properly, seeming still unaware of your exasperated look as you looked at him. “What?”

He looks a little annoyed that you hadn’t been listening.  “I asked how you put up with him?”

You raised an eyebrow.  “Put up with Geralt?”

Jaskier nods, as if it was obvious.  “How does he not infuriate you?”

“He’s a Witcher,” You said, deciding to try and tidy your desk a little. “Or have you not met many Witchers?”

“That’s not an answer.”  Jaskier said, frowning at you.  “And I though he was only one that could be vague.”

“It’s not vague,” You let more of your irritation through, hoping he might finally cotton on.  “It’s a simple statement of their being.  They aren’t around people a lot.  As much as people need the help, they naturally don’t like secrecy, which has made them scared.  Witchers have learnt that keeping themselves away from that, as much as they can, is usually the better option.”

“Geralt’s been around plenty of people,” Jaskier said knowingly.  “He doesn’t fall into that same category.”

You laughed.  “Then you clearly don’t know Geralt at all, why do you think he talks to Roach so much?”

“If he thought the same, then he wouldn’t be letting me travel with him,” Jaskier said.  “Nor would he be here to come and see you.”

You gave a tired sigh.  “I can’t answer about you, but I have known him a long time, both helped him out with several hunts and provided several hunts of my own.  My door is always open for him, and he knows that, but that does not mean there are not boundaries.”

“I’m sure your bed’s always open too,” Jaskier muttered under his breath, but in the quiet of your study, it was more than audible, even as he turned away. “You wouldn’t be the first of his “friends” that I’ve met.”

Slamming one of your books shut made Jaskier jump and turn back around, finally taking note of your frustrated expression.  “Who my bed is open to is of no concern of yours.  Now, if you don’t mind, I don’t appreciate the accusations, nor do I appreciate your constant yammering when I am trying to work!”

Jaskier’s face turned red.  “I-”

You held up a hand, stopping him.  “You will be quiet.  Lest I kick you outside until Geralt returns, and depending on whatever hunt he’s gone on, that could be a couple of days.”

There was an audible click as he shut his mouth, watching you with wide eyes.

“Thank you,” You breathed.  “Honestly, I have never met someone that can talk so much.”  You begin packing up your desk, preparing them in a way that would be easier to pull out later when you could actually focus on your research.  “Geralt and I are friends because we know when to be quiet with each other.  There is a time for talking and a time to be at peace with each other; if more knew that, I’m sure people would be able to develop closer relationships.”

You shot him a look, sensing him wanting to ask something, and he quickly closed his mouth again.  “If you really must know, Geralt and I have not slept together, nor do we have any intention of doing so.  That is not what our relationship is born of, and why must that always be the first thing that people consider?”

Again, Jaskier opened his mouth, but you shook his head.

“The question was rhetorical,” You said flatly, folding your arms.  “So please don’t.  I’m well aware of natural assumptions people make.  They have all but outcast me as they believe I’m into some sort of magic simply because I’m educated, and associating with Witchers never helps, but we all do what we must.”

Jaskier frowns slightly, but doesn’t make to respond this time, just looking at you.

Sighing, you shake your head.  “Look, it’s fine, just…not when I’m trying to work, okay?  I need silence to focus, and I was just frustrated.  I’m sorry if I offended any.”

“I am sorry too,” Jaskier said quietly, and a small smile tugged at his lips. “I guess Geralt’s grumpiness has been wearing off on me a little.”

You chuckled lightly, sitting back in your chair.  “I can see that.  I know he’s not the easiest to deal with at times, but he always means well.”

Jaskier nods.  “This is what drives people to turn into werewolves. Spending too much time around grumpy Witchers until we just can’t take it anymore.”

Chuckling again, you shake your head.  “I’m going to ignore the real facts of that statement, only because I the point you were trying to make.”

He smiles.  “So, does this mean we can start this again?”

“Only if you promise to be quiet on occasion,” You said, returning his smile. “I do enjoy my work.”

“I think I can work with that.”  He said with a nod, thinking for a moment before his grin widens.  “Only if I get to write you a song.”

Heat crept into your cheeks, unable to hide your slight embarrassment, but you still smile at him.  “I think I’d like that.”

“Oh good, I was worried it was going to be too much.”  His face was still flushed, but the two of you just laughed before a comfortable silence fell.

Maybe Geralt didn’t need to hurry back after all.

[allbeendonebefore]

a crackship concept: ralph x oliver. (am i kicked out of the fandom yet? lmao) but since you’ve lived in both provinces for a while, any input on this?

It’s not a crackship by a long shot since they both regularly interact (i mean... they should anyway) (are we judging who interacts with whom by what standard at this point lmao)

I have a lot of mixed feelings about it because while I appreciate them as characters and I think they have a good dynamic, I also find the historical imbalances really annoying and hard to shake. I personally prefer to see them as unlikely friends than as romantic partners just because for me as a westerner theres this power imbalance and (mutual!) misunderstanding that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And I really don’t like it portrayed as ‘the petty anglos who hate quebec’ pairing either. I’m not saying at all that its not impossible or that it’s somehow inherently wrong (or that i’d never draw it), just that its not my cup of tea. 

but let’s return to them as characters for a moment rather than vessels for my own historical baggage in a universe where oliver didnt view the prairies as property and the people in them as second or third class citizens of the country he pulled around him out of his own paranoia and selfishness aka ideas that i still see repeated by ontarians today and then watch as albertans with only a foggy idea of the full context take those sentiments personally and then these separatist assholes co-opt and stoke those negative feelings instead of resolving them [deep breaths] [exhale]. 

I really like thinking of them as competitive friends or as driven debate partners i guess? and i feel that in their case it doesn’t translate well into romance. Oliver is horribly sheltered and self centered and says things without thinking constantly, or he is passive aggressive and hard to read. He treats Ralph like a child or an idiot or both and doesn’t consult him on his feelings or opinions and then acts shocked and surprised when Ralph loses it on him. Ralph likewise acts like the sort of person who is a straight talker and straight shooter, but his actual behaviour tends to be avoidance rather than confrontation. He explodes in a reactive way later instead of thinking after he bottles his feelings because That’s Macho, and his whole self perception is built on Refusing to be perceived as this hippie dippy liberal urban elite bastard and wait why DOESN’t oliver think he’s progressive?! And how come the easiest emotion around him is always anger?

but yeah you can see that it’s difficult for me to separate my complicated political feelings on the subject. I really enjoyed my time in Ontario and I met so many different kinds of people there, but there were also a lot of these... little subtle things that add up and grate on me. Like looking at the monument to the Ontarians who died in the Red River and Northwest “Rebellions”, or having someone say “The setting is Alberta but clearly urban” as if those things were mutually exclusive, or the assumption that Of Course you moved to Toronto because IMAGINE being a queer person seeking higher education in ALBERTA of all places, or people who just outright hated Alberta because all they see in the news is Alberta hating them for apparently No Reason. I really had to stop and think several times about these little innocuous comments and things that I was constantly encountering from people about what Alberta was supposedly like, and it’s hard to explain to people that when you make comments like this it does nothing but add fuel to the fire of anger and hatred towards central Canada back home - and trust me there’s just as much misunderstanding in Alberta about what Ontario is as there is there and that gets used for political and economic gain. 

tldr i would take a lot of convincing to see this as a romantic pairing precisely because of my lived experience in both provinces and because of my historical background. It’s actually easier than I make it out to be because they actually do have TONS in common besides being the two loudmouth money-and-power-hungry anglos, if oliver could get off his high horse for two seconds and ralph could drag himself out of the tar pit he’s always wallowing in, maybe they could go somewhere interesting. I’d be curious to see it. one thing i really liked about both provinces was the thunderstorms... trap them in a cabin in a thunderstorm and just let them go at each other emotionally until they’ve gone through and got it all out maybe, haha.

[heyktula]

Fic Breakdown for Closer, Chapter One (aka, the DVD Extras)

So, chapter one of Closer, the first installment in Somewhere in Canada (the Terror kink AU)... went up today! And let me tell you what, I am hype because this is my very first longfic in the Terror fandom, and it's centered around a subject very near and dear to my heart—BDSM. It's a love letter to power exchange, the sheer joy of kink, conventions, and sex education.

Like other fic breakdowns I've done, this'll be in three parts—technical notes (like POV and stylistic choices), story notes (like characterization and kink info), and then, instead of the editing section I usually include, I'm going to talk about specific lines at the end.

I blame Edward for the line notes, tbh. I love him, but he's a himbo, and many things went unobserved in the course of this story.

(Okay, fine, it's not entirely his fault. Some of it is that he's just so steeped in kink that he doesn't think twice about a bunch of the stuff going on.)

Technical Considerations

Inspiration: So this fic is a love letter to kink, and kink education, and conventions, which in my experience can be life-changing opportunities to meet people with similar interests, and also to be able to do some exploration of your own and figure out what makes you tick. I'm pretty sure there's an AU version of me that makes their living off kink education and the convention circuit, but (un)fortunately, in this particular universe, I am a fic writer (and, occasionally, a paid one as well).

Closer is also a love letter to rough physical play. I remember sitting in my very first workshop on the topic, and just being wide-eyed that a) this is a thing, b) it looks fun. (It is, actually, fun.) There's a ton of reasons I love it—and hopefully, after Closer concludes, you'll be able to see some of the reasons why—but I also love that physical play doesn't have any financial barriers to entry. (The irony of Edward "rich boy" Little being heavily into it has not escaped me.)

Timeline:  Hilariously, I actually started this verse for a Fitzier fic—it takes place six months from Closer, at the winter version of the conference—but while I was working my way through the Fitzier setup, I was like 'fuck it, I should write a quick one-off joplittle to establish the verse', and lo and behold, my "quick one-off" turned out to be sixty k, and it runs parallel to a Tozer/Irving that I  have yet to write, but which is visible in Closer if you squint. So, uh, oops.

So this story fits into a very specific space in the timeline—that is, it's prior to Fitzjames and Crozier having met, but it's after the (second) Cracroft/Crozier breakup. (If you were wondering if that's why Francis isn't running his own damn booth, yes, that's why. He's very likely depression drinking in London at this very moment.)

Setting: I wanted to stay true to the spirit of the whole, you know, boatload of white men going to Canada and being confused, but I wanted them to go for better reasons. It's so rare that we get shows set in Canada, you know? And I feel very passionately about our winters here, in that I complain about them while they're happening, but I do also kind of enjoy the challenge, in a really fucked-up sort of a way. So I set the fic in Canada too, and then, because I was explicitly setting it here, I also got to lean into a bunch of Canadian stereotypes (like Goodsir living his best life in plaid and denim and the inevitable Tim Horton's jokes) and I actually had a lot of fun doing it, so I guess that was something I learned about myself.

Story Considerations:

Primary Kinks: So most people involved in BDSM have a "thing"—you know, the thing that they care about more than they care about any other things. And one of the most fun things for me about creating an AU like this is going through the characters and figuring out what everybody's niche is. Like, it makes sense to me that Hickey would be that edgeplay asshole that's in the kink scene specifically so he can fuck with people. Tozer having a military fetish (and also being a bit of a kink snob) totally fits with his whole "now what the bloody hell do people think that means?" speech.

If you've ever been to a fetish convention, you've seen guys like Blanky, who have been in the scene forever, and made their name handcrafting BDSM gear. They're easy to talk to, and will totally tell you about that time they ran an entire scene using only items found in their kitchen. You've seen women like Sophia Cracroft, who have a cluster of people surrounding her at all times, and who is never short of someone who will bring her tea if it looks like she's thirsty. And you've also seen guys like Ross, who are reasonably famous in their areas of expertise—the kind of guy that you see across the hall, and you're like "shit, is that James Clark Ross?" (And it is! Holy shit!)

Canadian Kink: So! I live in the prairies, and it's as conservative as hell out here. That means there's some specifics to kink culture that I'm not sure translate to other parts of Canada—and they definitely don't translate back to England. For example, every public event I've ever been to (by which I mean every event that wasn't being held in someone's house) has mandated that penetration cannot occur during the event. No toys in orifices, no bits in other bits, no mucous membranes touching, no oral, no fingering, no handjobs, no intercourse, all that kind of stuff. I'm not convinced that you couldn't have sex in a dungeon in, say, Vancouver, or Toronto, or any of the other bigger centers—but that hasn't been my experience in the prairies, and I kept those restrictions for plot purposes in Closer. (Sorry, Jopson. I promise I still love you.)

Canadian weapons laws being what they are also means that some of the gear that's totally okay in other places (like butterfly knives) is totally illegal in Canada (sorry, Tozer. No apologies for you, Hickey.). The sap gloves that Edward is mourning are, unfortunately, one of the items that get lost in the shuffle. Sap gloves are pretty neat—they're leather gloves which are weighted with lead on the knuckles/backs of the hands. They make your punches harder, but they also protect your hands—and, for somebody like Edward, who does a lot of punching when he plays, that protection is definitely beneficial. Plus, they're a bit of a signalling thing—having a set of sap gloves hanging off your belt makes it very clear what kind of things you're into, and I think Edward is a bit bereft not having that this weekend, because he's not used to having to make those introductions cold.

Edgeplay: There's sort of a, er. Spectrum of what is and isn't considered to be "acceptable" kink, even within the kink community. Some kinds of kink are seen as more publicly acceptable, and some kinds are relegated back to the fringes and the dark corners. In the context of Closer, that means Tozer, Hickey, and Little are our resident edgeplayers. This isn't a judgement on the type of play they do (well, it is a judgement on Hickey, but we don't have time to go into *gestures* all that), but it is a statement about the way that type of play is perceived. Sophia Cracroft can, with very little finessing, put photographs of her in rope suspension onto her various social media accounts, and as long as she's clothed, it's perfectly acceptable content to just have out there, and people are going to call it artistic and Instagram-worthy. Tozer, on the other hand, ain't getting any recordings of interrogation scenes he's run posted anywhere except to Pornhub.  (The less we say about Hickey's knife-play, the better.)

Similarly, because the rough physical play that Edward does looks fairly intense from the outside (and is pretty intense from the inside), he gets to live in the not-that-publicly-acceptable area of kink. The area of kink where they usually put the crash mats at the far end of the dungeon, because that way, if you don't want to watch two people whaling on each other with their fists, you don't need to see it. This "stigma" is important in Edward's conception of himself, because on one hand, we see in his conversation with Goodsir that Edward absolutely knows his shit and, hero-worship of Crozier aside, has the knowledge base to be a fantastic educator in his own right—but we also see the subtle kinkshaming coming from both Hickey and Tozer about where Edward's place is in all this. That is to say—Edward's place is with them, in the dark shadowy spots, and not in the "socially acceptable" circles that Crozier's circle of people (Jopson included) are perceived to be running in. (There's a sense, coming from Tozer, that there's no point in Edward pursuing getting onto the org committee for the conference itself, because they won't want someone like Edward there—but, again, that's some pretty insidious kinkshaming coming from Tozer, and we could all just let that go and be better for it. Goodsir clearly doesn't feel like Edward's presence would be a detriment.)

So, yeah. I'll excuse Tozer's kinkshaming bullshit temporarily, as he needs to sort himself out. I don't think he's trying to drag Edward down so much as he just thinks Edward's being a bit delusional, and wants to save him the disappointment when Jopson invariably rejects him for being way too kinky and intense. (If Edward is moping around all weekend, he'll be in the hotel room, and how's Tozer supposed to get his dick sucked by random hookups then? "Yeah, come on back to mine, don't mind my roommate, he's a moody bastard and won't participate even if we ask." Not winning any prizes there, lads.)

I won't excuse Hickey's kinkshaming; he's definitely trying to make Edward feel like shit on purpose. I could speculate as to the reasons, but they're probably gross. (I mean, I know the reasons. Hickey's gonna Hickey.)

(There's a whole entire essay I could write about incorrect assumptions that literally everyone is making about the type of play Thomas Jopson must be into, based on his nice hair and nice eyes and nice smile, but I'll just let Jopson handle those corrections on his own, as he's very capable of doing so.)

Concerning the Chapter Title: If you were gonna take a risk, Neddo, the social was the time to do it—and you done fucked that up, sweetheart.

Tomorrow is another day. Give it another shot then, yeah?

Line Notes:

Edward looks across the hall again, cringes. “No, fuck, that’s—no, I think that’s Sophia Cracroft, Sol, I’m not—Christ. Sophia Cracroft, Jesus.”

I will never not find this introduction to Edward Little fucking hilarious, because he comes off as so competent from Jopson's POV when he's arguing with Hickey in the parking lot, and yet the moment we see Edward in his own POV, he's just a mess. I love him very much, but he's a mess. This was one of the deciding factors in the dual POV as well—I knew going in that the brunt of the story was going to be from Edward's POV, but weaving in those occasional Jopson bits lets us see how Edward looks from the other side.

(Also, Tozer three hundred percent knows exactly who Sophia Cracroft is, because he demonstrates that, like, two sentences later, meaning that he’s literally just winding Edward up here, and it goes right over Edward’s head. God.)

It’s the older guy across the hall that’s laughing his ass off, but the cutie is standing right next to him, looking down at his phone, his ears charmingly pink. 

As a reminder, Edward is wearing a white tank, and just stretched his arms out behind his back. The nipple piercings are very obvious, Jopson was three hundred percent staring, and Blanky definitely caught him and is laughing his ass off about it.

“…I know what this is about,” Tozer says, tying an orange bandana around his left bicep.

The orange bandana is a hanky code thing—which, yes, it's dated, and it's not really in use anymore, but Tozer seems like the kind of guy that would tattoo his kinks on his forehead just so everybody could see them if they would all fit. Failing to find any way to gracefully do that, we instead have the orange hanky ("anything goes") on the left arm ("top").

(Older guy, thankfully, is wearing a ring on the fourth finger of his left hand. Cutie isn’t. So there’s no obvious problems there.)

Jopson not wearing a ring indicates literally nothing about whether or not he's available, but I guess whatever makes Edward feel better about himself is fine. He's right with his assumption about Jopson, in this case, but it's literally nothing more than a wild guess, and the mental hoops he's jumping through only exist to make him feel better about himself.

(Esther usually attends these events with Blanky—but somebody needed to hold down the fort in London this time, and so she's in London at present. It's for the best, she can check on Francis every so often.)

[Hickey] sticks his hand in the pocket of his latex cargo shorts...

I won't take criticism on this fashion statement, constructive or otherwise.



So, that's it for this week! Chapter two, Aware, goes up next Friday! See you then! And if you have questions or anything in the meantime, you can always drop me an ask on tumblr or Curious Cat!

[theselfcaresocialworker]

Intro P2

I wish I could tell you that I have always been good at self-care, have always managed symptoms of burnout gracefully and have been fine in a general sense. To say that would be lying and would further perpetuate the myth that therapists have their shit together. The journey that got me to where I am started way way back, but just for shits and giggles let’s go back to summer 2020.

It was June 2020 (which isn’t that far from when I wrote this in August 2020 and edited it in September). This was in the “middle” of the COVID-19 pandemic, I had been working from home for 3 months. I was in the most healthy and happy relationship of my life. I had a few awesome close friends. I was making good money, had time off (that I seldom took). I was in therapy and had worked through a fair bit of my own trauma. I had hobbies. I had a career I was objectively good at. I was knowledgeable, well read, and had good experience. All before I turned 30. I was also depressed, anxious, often triggered, down on myself, exhausted, passively suicidal, physically unwell… I dreaded doing anything related to my job. Worst of all, and I hate to say this, I didn’t care about my clients… I honestly couldn’t care anymore. The fucks to give were all gone, the proverbial well had dried out months ago. I felt helpless and hopeless about clients, about humanity. But... I was a strong social worker, and I just kept going, day to day, doing everything over and over and over. And over...

One day I had a client crying on the phone all I could think was, “Jesus. Fucking. Christ. You’re sad, I get it. Join the club, life sucks. Just shut up and do something about it.” I paused, disgusted, scared and frustrated with myself, “What the hell is wrong with me?! That’s not how I am supposed to think about this! I am not that person; I am supposed to care! Why don’t I care?!” Since I was in the middle of the session, I had to contain that all and pull my shit together and finish the appointment. Once it was done and I hung up the phone, I stared into space and tried to process what was happening to me. It felt like I started to wake up to what was happening to me; I started to see that I was beginning to make mistakes and only just catching them before it turned into a big deal. I wasn’t offering my best services. I was on autopilot.

I did what any good social worker does, I talked to my clinical supervisor. I told them bluntly and with vulnerability, what was happening and how I felt. I was very honest and open, hoping for some validation, some empathy, care. What I got was a “lecture” about what I already knew. They regurgitated everything I had already read and researched, but not even in an educated way or with any thoroughness. It was almost offensive how poorly it was delivered.  

Anyways. There I was feeling all the things, not getting much, if any, help with them. Knowing that I had to do something, I worked on why I must have been feeling that way, how it had happened, what had gotten me to that point. I read articles and books, talked to my colleagues and friends. I knew in theory how to work on my symptoms, and what to do. I still have this treatment plan in my head (like I said, I am writing this awfully close to when this all happened, so I am not indeed out of the proverbial woods just yet). I just couldn’t do it. No one had ever taught me how to do the internal work I would need to do as a therapist, no one had told me what to expect internally. I realized I had gone into this work, eyes closed tight and here I was seeing the reality of this work, what it had done to me, and what I had done to myself several years in. I started clearly seeing the wear and tear it has had on my psyche, my emotions, on me as a person.

Let’s take a few steps back. To be clear. How I got to this point was not completely the fault of “the field”. Like I alluded to earlier, I have my own baggage and trauma which has heavily influenced what makes me, me. This has also played a big role in WHY I chose this work.

The following section is from a personal journal entry in December 2019.

It has always been my job to help others. Even as a young child I was a natural at making myself small, having fewer needs, being independent in order to be less of a burden. I learned that in order to earn my keep, be worthy of anything, I needed to do something for someone. What came naturally as a deeply sensitive person was helping, listening, and feeling for others. I got so good at it that I made a career out of it.

I learned so many basic counseling and social work skills within the first ten years of life that when I finally got into graduate school I was made in the shade. I was a natural, it came easily. I think the assumption is that when a grown adult goes into a graduate program, they have a more or less well-rounded, healthy set of skills upon which to build. I didn’t have that, this was a huge issue moving forward. I knew how to handle living with this set of skills on a small scale, with friends and family. NOT as a professional. The problem was that I was not well balanced or well-rounded as a person and I was so good at “social working” that I just jumped in eager to help, to fill a purpose. I didn’t have a whole other set of skills that are needed in the field like setting boundaries, self-advocacy, self-care, etc. that are expected when you are an adult.

What happened was that I jumped into this disaster of human misery thinking that I was made in the shade, I have been doing this my whole life, but had no protective gear. It’s a whole different ball game to provide mental health care full time for 8 or more hours a day; it's nothing like being the friend everyone talks to. You are in a fucking ecological disaster. Some people have protective gear, they have the boundaries, they can advocate for themselves, they have a healthy sense of self or whatever. But there I was without boots, a jacket, or whatever else you might fucking need in a god damn disaster zone. Of course I got infections in the cuts one will inevitably get, of course I was coming home covered in goop and never really being able to get it all out from my hair and under my fingernails. I never learned otherwise, and no one prepared me.

I started realizing going to and graduating from school was like I had researched and learned about everything I could about some sort of ecological, environmental disaster (think BP oil spill, Chernobyl, poisonous lakes). I knew about the local and global ecosystem, I learned about the plants, the animals, I learned about why it was a travesty. I was ready to go into the disaster zone to make a difference. However, nowhere in my education did someone adequately impress upon me the absolute necessity for practical tools like waders, gloves, a hat, sunscreen, bug spray; anything to protect me from the very real hazards of the job in the disaster. School gave me shovels, trowels, clippers, hoses, tools to work on the problem, and they probably

assumed I already had a jacket, boots, wader, gloves, and goggles and further assumed that work places provided sunscreen, bug spray, maybe even a hat. Looking back now, at the beginning it’s like I was wearing a tank top, shorts, canvas tennis shoes and maybe a wind breaker, in a fucking poisonous lake.

Other’s told me to take care of myself, make me a priority, saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup”. But I didn’t see many other people doing it either. I was arrogant, I thought I was strong enough to not need it. Only weak people need gloves and goggles. I thought if I just cared and cared and worked and worked to help, to fix people, the swamp would clear.

 *woosh, pan camera back to Summer 2020* There I was, wounded, sick, malnourished (whatever metaphor you want to put here) and I had to get out. I started to wake up in this seemingly never-ending series of ecological disasters, not caring that people were crying and struggling, and all I could think about was that they just needed to get the fuck over it. I was lost so far in the polluted lake with no real exit strategy. I had not planned for this. I had placed a bet on myself that I could hack it, that I would be fine. The only way was for me to get out—a med evac. I had to *gasp* take a leave of absence.

...

There are so many things that got me to that point. Some are system wide; some are part of the system of where I work. Some are from my own internal workings, negative core beliefs, negative thinking patterns, faulty assumptions. Some of the things existed before I started this work and weirdly make me good at this.

I don’t know how much of me sharing my story of lack of adequate self-care, of what my burn out was/is like helps anyone. I guess I am just hoping it makes it real for someone so that they avoid the mistakes I made. I guess it comes down to me wanting to go back and fix myself; if I can prevent what happened to me in someone else, then it feels like I heal myself. This is fundamentally flawed and part of why I have such bad burn out. Also, I don’t want to be one of those people that says, “Don’t do what I did” or worse, “Do as I say not as I do” so I avoided saying anything. But this is also part of my burn out—being afraid to say anything, being afraid of my own voice, denying that I even have one at all, not believing that I have anything valuable to say at all. I also know, a lot of what I have to say is said by countless other people in what may be more eloquent ways. But I come back to the point…I have a voice, maybe someone would benefit from hearing it.

This is as much for myself as it is for other people. I want to live a life I am proud of, one that I don’t need a vacation from, one where I am genuine, authentic and real; so I am learning to use my voice even when it feels awkward. I am learning to use my voice to stand up for myself and others even when what I think and feel is invalidated by people in power.

...

I know that what I am about to talk about is something you already know, and I know you will say to yourself, “Yeah, I know. I will.” And you might think, “That won’t be a problem for me.” But it will. Maybe you will be able to do some self-reflection about it quickly afterwards, hopefully before the full throws of burn out grab you, you make a change.

I wish I had known early on that you absolutely cannot care for others in a healthy, sustainable way if you do not take care of yourself first, if you do not have clearly defined internal and external boundaries that you regularly enforce and that are supported by those around you. I know you know this. We tell others this all the time. But us therapists/counselors/social workers have a nasty habit (not everyone, but I have yet to encounter a mental health provider that doesn’t or hasn’t struggled with this at some point…I have a lot of thoughts about this to discuss later) of giving sound advice and suggestions and somehow thinking we don’t have to follow it. It's classic, it really is.

We all experience stress, exposure to the everyday hazards of this work differently. My experience will not be yours. All I know is that what I have been through is unremarkably common, and yet, I feel like it is not shared as widely and as thoroughly as I believe it should. Ignoring not only the issue of burnout, but the lack of adequate education about it and self-care, we put ourselves, our clients, and the field in jeopardy. It is irresponsible, reckless, arrogant and short sighted.

As far as an answer to “Now what Sara? What are we supposed to do?” I have no real satisfying, thoughtful, profound answer. What I do now is this:

Journal entry from December 2019

The funny thing is that when things get bad, I know there isn’t anything anyone can say or do to make it any better. There isn’t always anything you can do or say to yourself that makes it better. Sometimes, all that can be done is to sit through it however you can despite how excruciating it can be. Sometimes, just knowing you aren’t alone and that someone has been there or knowing that someone somewhere cares even just a little makes all the difference.

If I can be that person, that voice for someone somewhere, I will have done my job. I know what it is like to be there, in the trenches of your mind with thoughts like bombs and feelings like mustard gas trying to kill you. It’s exhausting and excruciating fighting with and within yourself every day. I suppose in war, part of what might make things more tolerable is having your comrades, your platoon mates or whatever, there fighting with you; knowing you aren’t in that hell alone. Dealing with mental illness, trauma, oppression, with life, is no less of a significant widespread battle. How awful is it that we all feel incredibly alone even when everyone is fighting the same or similar battle?” We are all fighting something, and hearing someone say, “Hey! Yeah, me too! How do you fight off the suicidal thoughts at work??” can make all the difference.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Plunderer 1 | Hanako-kun 1 | Richard-shi 1

Plunderer 1

It seems…there was some kind of promotional showing which I missed the boat on? Well, that’s why Plunderer is on my winter visual, anyway. (refers to coverage on Animanga Spellbook)

My mother was watching Hatena Illusion earlier today – I didn’t go to watch much of it, since that would spoil the surprise for when I tackle it later – but the one thing that annoyed me was the high-pitched girl voice, as it does. I bring it up because it’s pissing me off here too.  

Okay, when you se CGI in the first few minutes of a show…that can’t be good. At all.

Hina’s Count is in her inner thigh, because she needs to flash everyone while she advances the plot. Thanks a lot, ecchi show. (words dripping with sarcasm)

Um, call me “feminist”, but why was the assumption she was looking for a boyfriend first up??? Can’t girls survive on their lonesome???

*facepalms* Why is the focus on Hina’s thighs when she’s being asked for money?!

Gah…faced with boobs, nosebleeds and thighs…this is ecchi paradise. Not a place I’d like to be, really.

Kanji are rare, huh? Must be a non-Japanese or Chinese place.

This hat…Hina’s hat. It’s pretty rare to see that style of hat in an anime.

Lemme guess, the Ace is that pervert *points at Licht*. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were.

This star guy is probably a fake. You can tell from Nana’s reactions.

Ohhhhhhhhhkay, can we not…? This is basically sexual harassment.

If this guy were so high and mighty, couldn’t he just steal the Ballot with those Abyss hands of his…?

*shrugs* Why should I give a s*** about this guy anyway? I already guessed Licht is going to be the Ace…

Lemme guess, the “negative” is also fake.

This action scene isn’t very good…

See? I knew it. I’ll f*** off now. (Yeah, I should probably phrase it better than that.) I’ll pause it until I can hear Ume, then drop this show like a hot rock.

Hanako 1

I was put off by the title and the style of the characters, but the reviews were good, so I’m here.

The shadow aesthetic reminds me of the one episode of Utena I watched.

The Hozuki aesthetic is very striking! It reminds me of Ranpo Kitan.

What’s up with the perverts today? *points upwards at Plunderer’s Licht* Also, those magatama hair decs Nene has are pretty interesting. (Note if I randomly bring up someone’s name without having to have learnt it, I probably read the promo stuff and/or reviews.)

Well, in the context, it is “high hopes”, but the characters just mean “expectations”, so they’re not that high, so to speak…

LOL, this (Nene) is basically me and my seasonal husbandos.

Oh, I just saw Minamoto passing by and Nene didn’t even notice it! LOL! Update: Turns out it’s just a guy who has red glasses but otherwise looks like him.

Lemme guess…she’ll bump into him from around the corner. It’s a shoujo cliché - c’mon, you can do better than this, show!

Did Nene turn into a fi-wait, that would mean this is the second time in anime that’s happened since Classicaloid! *eyes sparkle* Amazing!

A-Aw, Nene…? That’s…so cute!!!!!!! Gah! I wanna support you!

That action scene relied on shaky camera a bit, but it was better than I was expecting for a show like this (a Hozuki-style supernatural romance).

I thought this was gonna pull a Noragami and Hanako wanted Nene’s soul, but nope. Just her labour. Guess this is another In/Spectre, huh?

The preview blended so seamlessly into the episode I couldn’t tell which was which and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing…

Oh, Akari Kito! Nezuko’s VA.

Lerche, huh? Makes sense. They did do Ranpo Kitan, which has much the same aesthetic.

The actual preview was…more interesting (i.e. more like a comedy TV short), which is a lot less impressive than the thing I thought was a preview.

Richard-shi 1

This is the 3rd entry on my hype list. ID: Invaded made 2nd by debuting beforehand and 1st was a spinoff to an established premise (Magia Record), so I hope I was putting my support in the right place.

The scenery is nice in this show.

The pun is that Seigi = justice, so the ep title could be “justice of the pink sapphire”.

I was using the spelling of Richard’s name from ANN when I put this series on AniList, so I didn’t expect it to be “de Vulpian��.

The joke (Hero of Justice) is that Seigi Nakata is kinda like seigi (no) mikata (ally of justice).

Wait, why, whatttttttttttt?! Who keeps jewels in their fridge?!

It turns out Takadanobaba Station actually exists.

Education major? No wonder she’s so trusting…likewise, economics is probably why Seigi is so black and white on his morals (although Richard did just throw that back into his face earlier). Update: I say that because in order to succeed in education, you need to be sociable and trusting of parents, colleagues etc., while economics is very numbers-based (even if the people behind it may be money-grubbers).

LOL, that “Tfantasy and Co.” was so clearly a parody on Tiffany and Co.

This thing about records reminds me of how hackers (or crackers) can resurrect most things if they have enough to work with. It makes me feel nostalgic, to think about IT like that again.

Is it just me, or is there CGI in this show…?

Padparadscha…the only thing I remember about that stone is that it’s got lotsa holes in it (from Houseki no Kuni). Hmm, I can see why Richard thought it was a pink sapphire, though. Update: Then again, the link says padparadscha can be a sapphire too and the bit just after this says padparadscha is a sapphire of a certain colour. (Richard was only saying it was pink – and thus less valuable than the padparadscha - to ascertain Seigi’s motive, as he says.)

The quality of animation that occurred when Seigi was crying…it’s a bit worrying in comparison to some other shows (*thinks about Eizouken*).

I completely was able to predict Richard had the buns for Seigi to share with Hiromi.

Y’see? Words don’t lie, but they have a lot of nuance to ‘em. I say that because when I was researching Richard to submit his info to AniList, I discovered his foreign looks are because at least one of his ancestors was British with Sri Lankan heritage.

LOL, I like how Richard dismisses all the other royal milk teas. He’s just a little bit snarky, but not too much.

Update: Oh yeah, Shouko’s name has the character for “crystal” in it and it can alternately be read “Akiko”.

[itsabisnail-blog]

how to be a friend

(the following is a lot of word vomit of things that have happened recently and that I need to get out in writing--furthermore, despite the title of this, it will not be a how to, that’s just a catchy title--seriously though if you are looking for advice this ain’t it, I’m not even sure any of this makes sense but I had to put it out there somewhere.  hopefully there will be a follow up to this but who knows??)

I recently found out that my best friend is suicidal.  She voluntarily admitted herself into an inpatient psychiatric hospital for students.  This all occured under a week ago, but I have been aware of her battles with depression and anxiety since last spring when my suitemate and I found out she was self harming.  I think though that I knew about her struggle with mental health before that.  Her coping mechanisms with stress were/are to completely be silent and avoid interaction with anyone.  On days that she would decide to not talk, if I spoke to her, she would respond in the lowest volume she possibly could.  In the fall, I could clearly see how much and anxiety she had.  It wasn’t until spring when we started to get really busy because of our athletic season that I saw much worse.  That sounds too dramatic, it wasn’t like a switch.  At first it happened gradually, she would be crazy and funny one night--procrastinating work and talking about how she didn’t want to do it and joking about dropping out of school.  Then everyday was a day she didn’t want to talk.  It was never like in movies or shows, how they portray people who wouldn’t get out of bed.  It was like she would put off all her work until she physically couldn’t finish it then go to a library until 2 am to work.  She put off so much work that she had to sacrifice nights with the team or fun things we would do on the weekends sometimes.  During this time, our teammates would come up to me asking if she was okay or telling me that I should tell her to go to bed or make her come back from the library as if I had that much power over her.  

It was part way into season that I notcied some cuts on her arm and I asked her about them.  She lied and I let her get away with it even though I didn’t believe it.  I think I didn’t want her to not trust me and hide more stuff.  A few days later, a teammate came up to me and said she needed to talk to me about my friend.  She had noticed the cuts as well.  At this time, my friend had been seeing a therapist through the school for a while and so I emailed her, still thoroughly unsure of what to do.  Cut to a week later when it all came out that she had been self harming through a series of events that I can’t get into.

It led to a lot of honesty between me and her.  She told us everything that had happened--or what I thought was everything but definitely wasn’t because now that I know more, I know that she is a master of hiding.  

From then though, she seemed more open with us (us being me and my suitemate at the time--we were and still are extremely close).  So now that we have the background slightly laid out, we can flash forward to present day.  Less than a week ago she informed my old suitemate and I that she was being admitted to a hospital for her safety.  This led me to assume she was suicidal (a correct assumption).  I was hysterical.  I’m not really sure how I was supposed to react, but maybe I was being too crazy and too upset, I don’t know.  My suitemate got a bit annoyed with me, but maybe there just is no good way to respond to that.  We didn’t find out anything more that night, but I was sad and wanted to cry all day and skipped one of my classes to run through the events that had led up to this decision.  

1. She hadn’t been acting like she had last semester.  She seemed happier more consistently.  But she was just hiding it better I guess.  I’m not sure if I should have seen through it, but I guess I was under the impression that this was an improvement from last year and we were on the right track. 2. She had just started on antidepressants.  3.  She had to switch to a new therapist.  4. Her parents, who she doesn’t have the most open relationship with, had just been in town for a weekend.

The next day I was exhausted from giving my energy to thinking about her constantly and wonderinf if I had some part to play in all of it thinking about my interactions with her and the conversations we’d had before.  I wanted everything to stop moving, everyone to stop going about their lives, assignments to stop being assigned to I could collect myself.  So that I could have a day where I didn’t have to think or breathe or move and I could cry and lay in bed and try to figure out what the fuck happened.

I say all this like it happened so long ago.  This all literally happened this week.  I didn’t know how I felt when it happened then and I don’t know how I feel now five days later.  This week has felt like it is YEARS long.  Since Monday I have talked to her several times over the phone and visited her once.  While I have some clarity over the situation now, I am still confused.  I recognize that I am fortunate enough to not have to go through what she is going through.  I don’t know what it means to be severly depressed or have crippling anxiety or want to kill myself.  I am learning about a lot of this as it occurs.  And I know that me trying to figure out or pinpoint exactly what caused this is futile.  It’s hard to just accept that this occured without some singular thing triggering it but I know that mental health is not exact or some one size fits all type thing.

Now I said this wouldn’t be a how to and it’s not because I feel like I may be the least qualified to offer advice on this subject.  I’m still learning, I am still dealing with all of this.  I don’t have any advice.  I know that I am trying to be supportive and understand what she is going through it a way that is not pushy to her.  I am trying to keep things as normal as possible.  She is one of the funniest people I know and we are even funnier together.  I am trying to educate myself while not putting her in the position that she needs to educate me.  And I am trying to be understanding and empathetic despite my own personal ability to relate to the severity of what she is going through.  I am still struggling with how I come in and if I will ever be able to see that she is going through a depressive episode and how I tell someone about that.  There is so much I don’t know and so much I am confused about and I want to be there for her the best I can.  

There is no conclusive end to this story and no tragic or happy ending either.  This will be constant and something she always deals with and for as long as I know her I hope I can be someone who is there for her in some capacity.  Who knows what will happen the rest of this school year?  Who knows what will happen next year?  I guess, all I can do is show her that I’m here.  Just show up.  Or something like that.

[marinsawakening]

don’t reblog this maybe but this intracommunity aro/aspec discourse has really highlighted how my experiences with being aroace differ from the majority of the aroace community and it makes me. uncomfy.

(I was gonna do the following section in the tags but it got too long so. enjoy the rambly post I guess.)

It’s so weird too??? In almost all ways, I’m the most stereotypical aroace to have ever aroaced; I’m sex- and romance repulsed, I do not want either sexual or romantic relationships, I want a qpr (I realize that wanting a qpr is not the norm outside of aro communities, but this assumption does kind of tend to exist within aro communities, although from what I’ve seen that has certainly died down), I found out I was ace in my late teens and figured out I was aro a year or two after that, I do not nor have I ever experienced any type of romantic or sexual attraction (aka I’m not gray-ace or gray-aro), I’m not an oriented aroace, etc. 

Unlike with my trans/nb identity I tend to actually relate to the wider aroace community; it’s by far the easiest queer identity I have because I generally fall within the parameters of what’s ‘expected’ of an aroace 99% of the time. There’s really only two major exceptions:

I do not find it difficult to distinguish between my aromanticism and my asexuality. They are not the same for me. I see my asexuality and aromanticism as two separate identities that just so happen to coincide. 

I consider my aromanticism to be a LOT more important than my asexuality. Really I’m more aro(ace) than aroace if you get what I mean.

And BOY are those differences highlighted by the recent discourse.

Like, I know that to aroaces who already feel alienated by the aroace community this must seem eye-roll-worthy, and I acknowledge how lucky I am that I (mostly) managed to feel safe and comfortable in the aroace community (albeit it more on the aro side of things than on the ace side), but like??? I’m really unused to feeling so alienated from the aroace community and it’s uhhhh unfun.

But honestly in this discourse? I just cannot at all relate to or get behind the aroace community’s approach to it. I don’t feel threatened by the idea that we might have a complete separation from the ace community. As a matter of fact, that’s what I want. If it were up to me and I didn’t have to take the feelings of anyone else into account, I’d want a complete separation between the ace and aro communities. I’d want to maintain strong ties between the communities, obviously, but I’m so fucking tired of being grouped together with the ace community. I want the aro community to be able to stand on its own as the ace community’s equal, not their younger sibling who still needs guidance. I want us to be our own thing without relying on the ace community at all. I want a complete separation of asexuality and aromanticism. 

I acknowledge, however, that this is likely not practical. There are too many aroaces tying us together, and we share too much history. It would be unfair to aroaces who cannot separate their aromanticism and asexuality and/or just don’t want to choose like that to just implement a complete schism without regard for consequences. I acknowledge that. I still want it.

It’s not that I hate the ace community. I really don’t. I honestly don’t feel as bitter towards it as a lot of the aro community seems to. I really think that the ace community is one of the most welcoming communities I’ve ever been in; they helped me understand my asexuality in a way that lifted me up and made me secure in it, and I’m really thankful to them for helping me through that vulnerable time. I think that it’s amazing what the ace community has managed to achieve in such little time; barely a decade ago, we were nothing, and now, we are steadily on our way to becoming a widely recognized sexuality, with well-organized groups and clear objectives. It’s seriously impressive.

At the same time, however, they royally screwed up my aro education, to the point where even though I was very, VERY clearly aromantic I was extremely hesitant to adopt the label, and it wasn’t until I actually managed to get involved in the aro community via a mutual that I actually started embracing it; in fact, before I talked to that mutual, I was really only peripherally aware of the existence of an aro community. I did not understand what a qpr was. I did not understand how the aromanticism was a spectrum, or know any aro identities outside of aro, gray-aro, and demiro (it was thanks to another mutual that I got off my initial high horse about greyro identities and actually started researching them with an open mind, by the way. I’m still definitely not perfect and consider them to be my largest blind spot in the aro community, but at least I’m trying to learn). I was not aware of any aspects of aro culture, or at least they didn’t register (white ring, arrows, etc. etc). And those were really just minor things.

The big kicker for me is that, honestly, my experience with the way the ace community treated aromanticism was. kinda different from what most aros seem to have experienced. Maybe it’s the people I interacted with, the blogs I followed, idk, but whatever it is, I got the impression that my aromantic traits were part of my asexuality. I never really felt like the ace community was pushing the ‘aces can love!’ message too hard; instead, I got the opposite. I got posts joking about how aces don’t get crushes. About how aces are annoyed with romantic subplots. I got essays written where the author stated that they don’t feel romantic attraction because they are asexual. I got posts about how characters who said “I don’t understand/want romance” are ace. I got ace activists who talked about being aroace without ever mentioning the ‘aro’ part, or who mentioned it in passing at best, and who often still positioned themselves as authorities on aromanticism despite that. All the time that I’ve spent in the ace community, and I consistently saw asexuality conflated with aromanticism. I still see it every time I go into the ace community. It’s why I’m not active in it anymore. 

As a result, I did not understand the impact that my aromanticism had my life, or even that I was aromantic at all; I got the impression that all my aro traits could be ascribed to my asexuality. As a result, I spent a long time identifying as a non-SAM-using ace, then as an aroace who strongly favored their asexuality, and then an aroace who didn’t think their aromanticism could be separated from their asexuality. But, as I have stated earlier in this essay, I can separate them. Very easily, even. I just didn’t have the proper tools yet to identify my aromanticism. This was also the reason why I thought my asexuality was more important; I didn’t have the proper tools to recognize my aromanticism, and with that, the effect it had on my daily life.

(Disclaimer: I’m obviously not saying that all aroaces who consider their aromanticism to be part of their asexuality, or who can’t distinguish between them, or who favor their asexuality are going to have the same experience that I did. Plenty of aroaces won’t. I’m just talking about a personal experience.)

The ace community screwed up my aro education by failing to recognize that aromanticism is not a facet of asexuality. While the ace community loves to remind everyone that aces can still feel romantic attraction, they are blindsided to the fact that aros can still feel sexual attraction. That aromanticism is not inherently tied to asexuality, and that the experiences of aroaces who cannot seperate their aromanticism and their asexuality aren’t universal in the aro community by any means. 

I can forgive the ace community for not educating me on things coined by or primarily used by aros, such as qpr’s, aro culture elements, and greyro identities. They are not required to keep up with every step that our community takes. I cannot forgive them for failing to provide me with basic information on aromanticism other than the acknowledgement that it existed, for consistently conflating aromanticism and asexuality, for failing to give me the proper resources to figure out my aro identity, when we are supposed to be ‘connected’ communities. 

TL;DR: my aro education got severely fucked up by the assumption that all aros are asexual, and if it hadn’t been for a complete fluke of striking up a conversation with someone who happened to be involved in the aro community, I might have never been able to properly appreciate or recognize my aromanticism. 

You can see how these experiences kind of overlap with those of allo aros. Obviously, they’re not the same, like at all, but the fact of the matter is that I can relate to the bitterness that allo aros feel towards the ace community. Often a lot more than I can relate to aroaces’ feelings towards the ace community, be they negative or positive. 

And because of those experiences, you can see why I’m distrustful of letting the ace community stay intrinsically connected to the aro community. They are larger, and therefore have a louder voice and more reach; if we, as aros, don’t grow on our own, outside of the ace community’s shadow, I’m genuinely unsure of whether we’ll ever be able to reach our full potential. Because as it stands, the majority of aros will need to go through the ace community first, and I think they’ve sufficiently proven to be wholly inadequate in providing aros resources to figure out their aromanticism. And frankly? I don’t want the ace community to be the primary educators on aromanticism. That’s a recipe for disaster no matter what. I want the aro community to be the go-to place for information on aromanticism, and that can only happen if we are as loud, as big as the ace community. 

I don’t relate to a lot of aroaces’ torn feelings between the ace community and the aro community, because in my case, that choice was made a long time ago: it’s the aro community. It will always be the aro community. While I’m thankful towards the ace community for sheltering me when I was vulnerable, and while I will always stand with them if they need to fight against assholes or need to spread awareness, and while I’ll probably never really drop the ace label and will occasionally participate in ace-centric discussions, they are not my priority, because I was never theirs. There is no love lost between me and the ace community. My aromanticism is the part of me that is most prominent in day-to-day life, and it’s what I consider to be the most important because of that; the aro community is tiny still, struggling to gain recognition and find a direction, and it needs my support more than the ace community ever did. 

Furthermore, in this discussion, I strongly believe that the aro community needs to prioritize the feelings of allo aros, and other non-asexual aros and aros who do not feel comfortable in the ace community for other reasons.  While we aroaces are definitely important and should obviously have a say in the way the community is heading (I mean. Duh. We’re aro), I’m uncomfortable with aroaces taking charge of community conversations because I feel like that’s just a repeat of what’s been happening in the wider aspec community for a long, long time: ace people taking charge, leaving less-recognized aros in the dust. Obviously, a large part of that is due to my own personal experiences with aces talking over aros for the majority of my aro education, and I’m (perhaps irrationally) scared that the same thing is going to happen here. But a large part of it is also due to the fact that, as is, aroaces are the largest voice in the aro community; this is an undeniable fact. It would be easy, way too easy, for us to unknowingly drown out the voices of allo aros, when we should be amplifying them and giving them a place of honor. The ace community’s problems with aromanticism affect non-asexual aros the most and in unique ways, and I feel like they should be leading the discussion surrounding it no matter what, really.

But I feel kind of like a traitor to aroace people because of this. My needs for the aro community obviously don’t align with that of other aroaces; I’d be willing to let relationships with the ace community burn entirely if it meant securing a spot for the aro community, which would obviously fuck over aroaces who DO need the ace community and want to participate in it, and aroaces who just simply aren’t capable of separating their aromanticism from their asexuality. I just fundamentally cannot relate to those needs and the feelings that come along with it. I just can’t. 

As a result, aside from reblogging some posts, I’ve been mostly quiet about my personal opinions on the topic. I do not feel like I’m the right person to be involved in this discourse; as an aroace, I have too much emotional baggage surrounding the ace community to advocate for their needs and I have been absent from the ace community for too long to have a good grasp on it anyway; and as an aromantic plain and simple, I do not feel like I should be leading this charge anyway because of my asexuality. While I find it bad to split the aro community in terms like that (I don’t believe that this discourse is a simple matter of aroaces vs. allo aros; it’s much more complicated than that, and I’ve seen aroaces and allo aros supporting each other, and of course there’s also non-SAM-aros and greyros/grayaces to consider in this discourse, which I haven’t really seen come up yet aside from a handful of posts), it really does often feel like this is the split around which the discourse is centered. And it sucks to not easily be able to identify with either ‘side’, and to lose the security I thought I had in the (aro-leaning side of the) aroace community. 

This is probably the last I’m going to say on this intracommunity issue on my own; I’ll be reblogging posts and watching it go down, but I don’t feel like I’m in any way equipped to really have meaningful say in this discourse. I might change my mind later on, but as of now, this is where I stand: confused, mainly.