#you don’t love me enough to film me swinging my golf clubs

[lovelyisadora]

ALSO WIPS ABOUT HER CHILDHOOD. I KNOW U DON'T POST WIPS BUT. 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

listen I have strong feelings about little marcia okay. I just think that she and silas had a lot in common; I hc that they were both young when they lost their fathers and she doesn’t have any siblings and his are so much older than him and while he has friends, I don’t really think they’re particularly close. they both live in the ramblings and don’t have a lot and idk I think they’d just kinda stick together reluctantly you know. no one else gets it. silas drags her around like an annoying little sister and marcia could choose not to go with him but she’s got nothing better to do than get him out of the trouble he gets them both into.

PLUS they both see alther as a father figure and I think they compete for his affection tbh.

I need to find it but I DO have a finished scene somewhere from a larger wip where they’re at zelda’s (during magyk) and they discuss alther and their childhoods but it quickly becomes an argument and zelda has to intervene. I just moved across the country though so it might take me a while to find it but I can try.

Edit: I also have some other unfinished wips about her childhood okay actually hold on I have to go murder my brother he just hit me in the head with a golf ball

EDIT AGAIN HE HIT ME A SECOND TIME HES DEAD. HE FILMED IT TOO

[wheretheresaway-theresawilliam]

Chapter 14: The Basement

Word Count: 829

TWs: Cheating, discussions/themes of death, religious reference

⛤⛤⛤

“You're never going to believe me, but please do attempt to,” William spoke hurriedly as he let himself into Norman’s house.

“What is it? I'm kind of in the middle of something, Will,” Norman gestured to what appeared to be a small golf course set up in his living room, which immediately distracted his partner.

“I-- I'm sorry, what's all this?”

“I'm practising my golf swing.”

“I didn't know you golfed…?”

“I don't, but I couldn’t beat the price on the clubs, so I decided I'd take it up. Now, why're your feathers all ruffled--”

“Evan’s alive.”

Norman nearly dropped his club, fumbling to put it back in its bag. He took William’s face in his hands, staring hard into his eyes.

“Are you feeling alright, William? I mean, given the circumstances…”

“Just peachy.” William pried his hands away. “He… his soul… well, I guess you could say he's possessing FredBear.”

“Have you got proof??”

“Is my word not enough for you?”

“It’s not that I'm not open to the idea of ghosts, it's just that I'm afraid you're having a mental breakdown, Will.” Norman shook his head and briefly disappeared from the room, returning with a handheld camcorder. “Take this. If you bring me footage, I'll believe you. Otherwise, I recommend seeing a doctor.”

“And what does it mean, if I prove to you that life exists beyond what we once knew?”

“I… don't know. Do you want to go public with it?”

“Heavens no. If they don't think I'm insane, then they'll surely put Evan on display like some sort of circus freak.” William began to pace, carefully avoiding messing up Norman’s “golf course.” “I think I'm going to have to run some experiments.”

Norman frowned. “On your own son?”

“It’s not like he can feel pain anymore…” Can he??

“I suppose your right.” William didn't miss the twitch in Norman’s hand when he continued, “Just sounds a bit sick when you put it like that.”

“What else am I to call them?”

Norman put his hand out. “Frankly, I don’t care. But I think you ought to leave before you run my carpet down to threads.”

William stopped pacing and took Norman’s hand in his own, lifting it to his lips. “I'm going to prove what I saw is reality.”

“Or you're going to prove you need to have your brain examined. Either way…” Norman sighed, embracing William and melting against him. “I love you more than you know.~”

“Not as much as I love you.~” William hummed back.

He returned home with determination, double-checking that Norman even had film in the recorder before entering his basement. FredBear remained where William had left it, looking like the lifeless thing it always did when it wasn't performing. He turned on the camcorder.

“Evan?”

The head lifted, plastic, unseeing eyes focusing on its creator. “Hello.”

William smiled. “How're you feeling?”

The animatronic hesitantly shrugged. “I'm still cold. I want to see mummy.”

“Oh, I'm sorry, sweetface… there's not much I can do about either, I fear. I could get you a blanket, but I’m not sure it’d help.”

“What about mummy?”

“Ah… I’m not sure how well she’d take… this. You haven't seen yourself, have you?”

Evan shook his head. “Why do I have to stay here?”

William could feel a pit forming in his stomach as he tried to answer gently. “I’ve told you, Evan. You’re dead, or at least, the you that was, is. Your old body is taking its final, very long sleep. Your consciousness should’ve gone with it, but for some reason… it didn't.”

They were quiet for a moment. “Long sleep… like Grandpa Schneider?”

“Yes… the kind of sleep you don’t ever wake up from.”

“But you go to Heaven, don't you? If you've been good?”

“That’s what they say…” William exhaled heavily, rocking on his heels.

“I was good, wasn't I?”

“Of course you were.” He turned off the camcorder.

“Then why am I like this--”

“I don't know!” William snapped before clearing his throat. “But I'm going to find out, or exhaust myself trying. I promise. Now, do you want me to bring down some of your toys?”

Evan lit up. “Yes please!”

William went and retrieved a toy firetruck, a handful of plastic army men, and a few bouncy balls.

“Do keep in mind the usual rules apply while you’re down here, alright? Don't touch anything you don't understand.”

Evan nodded, happily sitting on the floor with the toys. The sight was equal parts uncanny and wholesome. “Yes, papa.”

“Good. I'm going to do some chores, I'll check in with you in a few hours.”

“Okay papa.”

As William exited the basement he felt a feverish sense of morbid curiosity. He would be gradual with questioning Evan, he was only a child, after all, but there was only so much information he was going to get out of him. He would need to escalate eventually if he wanted meaningful results.

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

Hole In One - Bobby Jones

I have brain rot. Why Didn't They Ask Evans? was amazing, Will did a fantastic job as Bobby and a fantastic job at making me horny

Warnings: SMUT (MINORS DNI), public sex, oral (f!receiving), creampie, and major fluff

2.4K Words🤙🏻

~~~~~~~~~~

Walking along the steep cliffs and hills of your local golf course, you held in a deep annoyed sigh as you attempted to keep up with your boyfriend and long time best friend, Bobby, as he walked ahead of you with much more energy than you had. He had somehow convinced you that golfing would be a good date, even though you didn’t care much for the sport and you weren’t the best at it.

“Come on, love, we’re almost there!” Bobby called out.

You rolled your eyes, why a golf course was at the top of a cliff, you’d never understand; having to walk to get to each of the holes was strenuous enough. “We couldn’t have, I don’t know, gone to the cinema or something that didn’t require working out? Dracula’s Daughter just came out, I think.”

“Sitting inside of a dark theater for an hour, when it’s such a beautiful day? And you know I don’t fancy horror films, it makes me sweat.”

“Well, I’m about to start sweating walking up this godforsaken hill.” You snarked, a light blush coming to your face as Bobby gave you a playful warning glare at your attitude. This definitely wasn’t that kind of date, but it was hard to ignore the sudden throbbing at the apex of your thighs; and the polo shirt that hugged Bobby’s torso perfectly, showing off his muscular build, wasn’t exactly alleviating the problem. “Why couldn’t you have a passion for a different sport, like football? I can play football better than golf. I’d rather kick a ball with my feet than hit one with a heavy club.”

Bobby cackled. “I can’t imagine you playing football.”

“My dad was fond of it, taught me everything he knows. Put me in a pair of trousers and I’ll be able to best any man.”

“You do that enough already.” He smirked handsomely, giving you a chaste kiss on your temple. If he kept doing stuff like that you might just have to take him right on the golf field. Seeing his muscles flex as he swung his golf club, god, you could feel yourself soaking your undergarments. You flinched when he snapped his fingers in front of your face to snap you out of your trance, his amused face causing you to scowl slightly. “Enjoying the view, darling?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” You huffed, trying to come off more teasing but it was clear you were too flustered to do anything much less flirt.

“It’s your turn. Hey, if you ever make a hole in one swing, I might just let you best me at football.” He whispered in your ear as he handed you your club, causing a shiver to run down your spine.

You scoffed. “Let me? You couldn’t beat me even if you tried.” You snatched the club out of his hands a little too harshly, smirking when Bobby gave you a surprised but amused expression.

It seemed easy enough, just swing and hit the ball. Couldn’t be that hard, right? Well, you were quickly disproven by how much the ball went in the wrong direction you wanted it to go. Instead of going straight like you wanted, it swayed to the left. You hoped it was just the wind. You would just have to try again.  You huffed as you swung your club and completely missed the ball, only managing to violently remove a clump of grass and dirt. You bit your lip when you heard Bobby snickering behind your back, definitely watching you fail at such a simple game with an amused grin on his stupidly handsome face. “This is impossible. How do you make it look so easy?” You whined, lightly stomping your foot like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.

"Here," Bobby sighed, walking over to you, "let me help you." 

Situating himself behind you, you tried not to shiver as his hands slowly traveled down your arms until they positioned themselves to cover your own, grasping gently. You could feel goosebumps rise all over your body as you felt his steady breathing on your neck, looking over your shoulder with ease. "Now, you'll need to pivot your right foot as you swing, like this-" He pushed your right heel out with his own foot, guiding your arms and body to twist with him as he made you swing the club. "It's simple really, just takes technique and practice." And he pulled away all too soon, his warmth leaving your back as he took a few steps back and motioned for you to try it without his help.

After having him so close to you, you were surprised you were even standing straight. How were you supposed to focus now? The feeling of his pelvis brushed up against your ass still echoed in your mind and you found yourself wanting to feel that again, and even more. Though you tried your best and swung, the club connected with the ball but your swing was too weak, the white urethane rolling down the grassy hill. “Well, that was a…start.” Bobby chuckled.

“Oh, shut it, Jones.” You quipped, quickly making your way down the hill to find your ball, not looking back just to see his mocking smile. “I don’t think I’ll be getting you to play football any time soon, at the rate I’m going.”

“Ah, it’s okay. It’s practically impossible to make a hole in one at the course, what with the steep hills and such. Maybe I should’ve started you in the beginner’s course.”

You scowled once more. “Isn’t that for children?”

“Yeah.” He smiled.

After finding the ball, you dreaded making a fool of yourself more than you already had, so you decided to do what you do best: flustering your boyfriend. “Can you guide me one more time? Just so I don’t accidentally hit the ball into the ocean.” You chuckled, hiding a mischievous smirk as he took the bait. Always such a gentleman. You took a deep breath as he moved to stand right behind you and resumed the same position he had you in previously, your heart pounding, hoping that he won’t reject your advances.

You heard Bobby inhale sharply as you wiggled your hips against his pelvis, his grip on your hands tightening. “What do you think you’re doing, darling?” He asked darkly, the tone in his voice that dropped a couple octaves went straight to your core. You said nothing as you responded to his question with another wiggle of your hips, pushing back harder against him. “And here I thought you genuinely wanted me to help you.” He grunted.

“Who says I don’t?” You replied seductively, straightening your spine and turning your head to whisper in his ear. “I just want you to help me in a different way.” You gently bit his earlobe, Bobby’s heavy sigh fanning against your shoulder.

“You know we’re in public, right?”

“Yes, and?”

“You want to risk someone seeing me making love to you?” You gasped when Bobby gripped onto your waist tightly, suddenly turning you around in his hold. “You’d like that, though, wouldn’t you? You want someone to see how cock drunk I make you? Is that it, darling?” You could already feel his erection pressing up against your leg, the knowledge that you could make him so hungry for you so easily made you feel lightheaded, your knees threatening to buckle.

“Yes.” You managed to whisper out breathlessly.

You gasped as Bobby suddenly connected his lips with yours, stealing the breath from your lungs from the feeling of his urgency, how desperate he was to feel all of you and you were just as needy. His hands roamed your body, squeezing your ass through your skirt, gingerly lifting up the fabric to cup your sex roughly, eliciting a satisfied groan from you. “Oh, darling, if you wanted me this badly you could’ve just said so.” He teased, moving your underwear to the side and running his fingers through your slippery folds, biting his lip at the feeling. “I want to taste you.” He spoke quickly before falling to his knees, his head hiding beneath your skirt.

Finally feeling his mouth connect to your cunt, you had to cover your mouth with one hand to keep yourself from moaning loudly, a moan that would surely echo throughout the cliffs and hills. Bobby kept a firm hand behind your back as he lifted your leg onto his shoulder to get a better angle, making sure you don’t fall over. You squeezed and grabbed at your breasts through your blouse as he lapped at your clit, sucking occasionally and making your eyes roll to the back of your head at the pleasure he was so expertly giving you. “I want you inside me.” You whispered, giggling as his head came out of your skirt, the evidence of your arousal making his lips shine.

You kneeled down to push Bobby on his back, straddling his legs as you undid the buckle of his trousers, pulling them off just enough for his cock to escape their confines. You smirked as Bobby’s eyes glossed over at the sight of you situating yourself over him, rubbing the head of his cock through your folds, grinding your clit on him briefly before finally sinking down on him slowly.

Bobby let out a deep groan as you guided his cock into your pussy, your velvety walls contracting at the intrusion, your slick and his saliva barely being enough to help force in the monstrosity that was his cock. “Fuck-!” You whined as he finally bottomed out, taking deep breaths to try to relax to help your cunt take him better, slowly grinding your hips down on him as he leaned up to kiss your neck. “Ah, fuck, you’re so big.” You giggled, your brows furrowing as the stretch turned pleasurable.

“You feel so amazing, darling.” Bobby moaned, keeping a firm grip on your hips as he laid back against the grass, breathing rapidly as you started to bounce yourself on his dick. You unbuttoned your blouse and pushed your tits out of your bra, the slight breeze making them harden as they came in contact with the air, making you let out a sharp exhale as Bobby leaned up to pinch one with one hand while he licked and sucked on the other.

You couldn’t keep your moans quiet as Bobby’s cock hit all the right places inside you, shocks of pleasure resonating throughout your core and a blush coming to your cheeks as the wind did nothing to hide the sounds that came from your cunt from said pleasure. “Oh, god.” You choked out, a squeal escaping your lips as Bobby took initiative and started to drill into you, both hands having a bruising hold on your hips as his expression contorted into one of focus. All you could do was hold on for the ride, gripping onto his shirt as the intense pleasure kept building and building until you couldn’t even form a single thought in your brain.

The tipping point came when Bobby suddenly rolled you over onto your back, switching places and allowing him to pound into you even harder. “Bobby, fuck-!” You almost screamed, your nails digging into his forearms that were still holding onto your waist. Your brain felt like putty at this point, your orgasm starting to burn through your core, lasting longer than you thought it would. You didn’t even have the energy to be embarrassed about how much your pussy was dripping, splashing as Bobby’s dick gave you no mercy, feeling the droplets of your own cum splattering on your skin as well as his.

“So good for me, such a good girl.” You could faintly hear Bobby whisper, the praise going straight to your core even after having such an intense orgasm. His thrusts soon become sloppy and erratic, chasing his own high, using you like a lifeless ragdoll, you certainly felt like one. “Oh heavens, baby, I’m gonna come.” He groaned, his eyebrows furrowing and a small droplet of sweat rolling down his neck.

“Ah-!” Bobby grunted, then letting out a breathy moan as his thrusting stilled, a whine of your own escaping your lips as you felt him fill you up with his warm cum. “Oh, Christ.” He exhaled, pulling out and rolling over to lay beside you limply.

You squinted as the sun came out from behind the clouds, a rarity in Wales, and lifted your hand to the sky to try and block the light from your eyes. You chuckled softly as Bobby reached up to grab ahold of your hand, interlocking your fingers. He leaned over and used his head to block out the sun, allowing you a perfect view of his flushed face, pushing your hand back down to the ground and planting a soft kiss on your lips.

You looked at Bobby lovingly as he delicately buttoned up your blouse, placing light kisses on your torso before each button. After pulling his trousers back up, he reached down and helped you on your feet, helping you straighten out your skirt and brushing off any grass that might’ve stuck to it. You gave him one more kiss before smoothing down his hair, his giddy smile making your already wobbly knees threaten to buckle yet again. The love you felt for the man was so all-encompassing you felt your heart was going to burst.

“Maybe we should get out of here before someone finds us out.” Bobby snickered.

“Aw, I didn’t mean to cut the date short.” You smiled regretfully.

“Oh, trust me, you didn’t.” He smirked, taking your hand in his as you both started to walk back to your car together. “It was exciting. If we ever play football for one of our next dates, maybe we could do this again?”

You laughed. “Wow. One new experience and you’re already addicted, huh? Such a delinquent.”

“Hey, don’t pin this on me! You’re the one who tempted me in this first place, not that I’m complaining.” You squealed as he pinched your side teasingly, his grip on your hand not allowing you to recoil against his touch.

“Okay, okay!” You giggled. “Fine. I’m the delinquent. I accept that. But if we do end up playing football, I may not have a choice but to pounce on you if you end up looking as good as you do playing golf.”

“Well, that’s a risk I’ll be willing to take.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Bobby is a power bottom, my opinion cannot be swayed.

[hozierandco]

Henry Cavill x Reader / Lessons / SMUT

A/N: Henry has to learn how to play golf for a film but his teacher may teach him a bit more than golf. In which Henry is a clumsy cinnamon roll. Inuendos intended, sorry not sorry. SMUT: oral sex (female receiving), vaginal sex, teasing, cursing, cumshot. Read at your own risk.

For the sake of a film in which he would play an aristocrat, Henry had to know how to play golf. He had agreed to it though he never had one single piece of knowledge on the matter.

Him who had done life-endangering stunts was not going to abandon for golf. He had three weeks before the beginning of the set and had decided to spend his holidays at a golf resort off in Scotland where he was determined to master the skills to that sport.

Y/N had been working at the Baurheid Club for the past five summers. The rest of the year, she lived in Glasgow but since her uncle was the club's manager and since she knew all about golf, she kept on working there.

The season was about to start and she was in charge of giving private classes for top-notch clients. Her rock solid privacy was celebrated by all and she was the perfect fit to deal with bankers and members of the idle class. An actor was about to complete the list.

"Y/N, here's the list of your clients for the next week"

Three names as each client required all attention. Quality over quantity was the motto of the club on that regard. The second one rang a bell to Y/N: Henry Cavill.

"Why does that name sound familiar? We've already have him, perhaps?" Y/N asked to Olivia who was welcoming the clients in the resort and who happened to be a close friend to Y/N.

"He's an actor, you fool" she replied in a moment of rest from the wave of clients "A handsome one too, lucky you!"

Instead of rejoicing along with Olivia, Y/N just hoped he was not the megalomaniac kind and that he wouldn't be a nightmare to work with. She went on with her day, many things had to be fixed before her first classes the next day.

Henry arrived by the entrance desk where Olivia acknowledged him and welcomed her just like any other client, in spite of her shouting internally. He had packed the bare minimum so his installment was brief.

The next day, it was almost noon when he woke up so he took himself out to the cafeteria.

Y/N had finished her first class of the day with a young member of the Dutch royal family and was gaining back the main accomodatio, up to the staff's lunch room. She had not changed clothes as she was not to meet any client.

Or so she thought.

"Oh, come on now!" Y/N heard someone grunting in her back as she was about to open the door to the place where she had left her food. She turned around only to see a frustrated Henry Cavill.

"May I help you, sir?" Y/N asked.

"Yes, please!" Henry jumped on the occasion "I'm looking for the lunch room but I always end up in this corridor... It's a bloody labyrinth there", he added holding back a nervous laugh.

Henry came back from his frustration as his misery was coming to an end with Y/N's arrival and that's on his way back that he noticed just how splendid Y/N was.

"Please, let me be your guide"

"Thank you very much. By the way, I'm Henry"

"And I'm Y/N", she responded making the connection with the photograph of Henry Olivia had shown her on her phone.

Along their journey to the lunch room, the two of them made some small talk while Y/N had to keep her composure. Olivia was right, he was bloody handsome. Even more so that on any photograph. And besides, he was visibly not a douche but an angel, making her feel at ease early on in their conversation.

As they arrived by the cafeteria filled with expensive furniture, the actor accompanied his "thank yous" with an offer: "I'm all alone at the resort, I could use some company for the lunch"

It was tempting if it wasn't for the fact that Y/N and the whole staff wasn't allowed to eat with the clients.

"Oh I see..." Henry said as Y/N explained the situation "But what if it's the client's decision. Isn't the customer always right?" he completed, glad he had found this trick to make her stay.

"Well, I suppose that it's the rule, yeah..." Y/N had been upset to decline the offer but she figured that indeed, she could stay a little while. Besides, the cafeteria was big enough for her not to be seen by anyone.

"It's a yes, then?"

"Yes, it is"

"So, what do you do here anyway?" Henry asked her as he came back from the buffet.

"I'm a golf instructor"

"Well, in that case, I'll probably see you on the green"

"About that, I should probably tell you that I'm the one who's gonna take care of your lessons for as long as you stay"

"I cannot wait. Though I should apologise in advance"

Y/N quizzed him by fixing his eyes. Shit, those eyes... Don't stare, don't stare, Y/N thought.

"I'm probably the worst golf player in Britain"

***

"You want to hold it like that" Y/N informed the way to seize the putter as she placed herself behind the impressive stature she had in front of her.

She could not believe that she was giving in the cliché of being glued to get someone to play golf.

Henry had not exaggerated, he indeed was pretty bad. In fact, he lacked of coordination and Y/N had to constantly remind him of how he was supposed to swing his body.

"May I?"

"Yes!" Henry was relieved to hear that he would get more help from her as she suggested than she could grab his arms to show the move.

She took his arms by the elbows. Henry being in a polo, she could feel all of his muscles under her touch.

"There, that's right! You've got the move. Now try to hit the ball"

And Henry executed himself but failed to even graze it. He snickered and then gave in a frank laughter that Y/N echoed.

"Right, you're gonna need to spend more time with me, Mr. Cavill"

"It's all I'm dreaming of. Dinner with me tonight in the garden?"

The class ended and for Y/N, it meant the beginning of her third and last class of the day.

As it was only 4 pm, Henry joined the games room where he had a view on the green where Y/N was helping an old lady to practice.

Of course, Y/N was too busy to notice him but it didn't stop him to smile like a child at her.

He was admiring her grace and her air of benevolence when a man came to him "She's a beauty, isn't she?"

Henry nodded at the stranger who in turns carried on "It must run in the family"

As Henry took his eyes oof of Y/N to see whom he was talking to, the stranger introduced himself "I'm Max, the club's manager. Y/N's uncle"

"Oh! How do you do? I'm Henry"

Max nodded, knowing very well who his select guest was.

"Is she a great teacher to you?"

"For sure. It's just that I'm a terrible pupil"

Max laughed along with Henry "Ah, son, she'll make a great player out of you"

The dinner happened. Henry had changed into another polo paired with camel chinos.

Y/N too had changed into a strapless floral dress with brown sandals. She greeted Henry as she sat down in the grass on which Henry had displayed a basket of fruits.

They started drinking and talking as the moon rose in the sky.

"I've talked with your uncle this afternoon"

"Oh have you? He's quite something, isn't he?"

"That he is. According to him, you're the greatest teacher out there"

"And you doubt it?"

"I'll try to be as good as a lamb for you"

After dinner, Y/N suggested that they take a walk around the resort. Any way to make the night last longer was worth seizing.

Everything was calm. No one around. Under their feet, the grass was slightly wet as dew had started forming and tinting their shoes.

Y/N took off her shoes, soon followed by Henry who had not done something as spontaneous as throwing a picnic in a very long time.

With their shoes in their hands, they carried on walking on the grass as crickets were going for a symphony and more and more windows got dark afar.

"It's been ages since I hadn't spent a lovely night like that" Henry sighed with pleasure "but that being said, I should hit my bed if I want to be at the top of my performance for my strict instructor"

The two of them had gotten very close to one another "If I stay now, I'm staying the whole night" Henry commented as Y/N's lips were dangerously close to his.

"I would let you" Y/N replied.

***

Henry and Y/N had met regularly apart from the times set for the classes over the last two weeks and if Henry had barely gotten better, the two of them had grown fond of the other. They had kissed on the fourth night, but both of them were not craving for more. Henry did not wish to rush things, nor did Y/N though the tension became unbearable.

"Do you think your uncle would kick you out if you spent the night at my room tonight?" Henry ventured as the class was over, wishing that he could kiss her right there, on the green.

"I wouldn't mind being kicked out if it meant spending the night with you" Y/N answered as she put back the clubs in the trolley.

After they finished eating at their favourite spot, Henry seized Y/N's hand and together they traveld to his room.

As Henry opened the door, he preceded Y/N,cupping her face with his hands to make her follow him in the suite.

He shut the door behind her and took her in his arms, only letting go on her after having carefully laid her on the bed.

"It is my turn to teach you a lesson, baby", he purred in her ear as he had let his lips wander from her legs to her face.

He placed his body over Y/N's but suddenly he got repentant and cursed "Fuck, I came here with nothing..."

Of course, Henry had no plans of making love to his instructor when he had booked holidays at the resort and found himself caught off guard, without protection for the night.

"In my purse" Y/N told him where to look.

"You might just be the most prepared teacher ever"

"Just grab it" Y/N begged him as he was going for encores, giving another sequel of kisses to her skin.

Henry ripped the scabbard and took his apparel out of his trousers, dressing it for the occasion.

Gracious God! There was lot to look at...

Fully erect, Henry came back in bed where Y/N was trying her best not to stare at the length.

"You sure about this?" Henry inquired as he aligned himself.

"Never been more sure in my whole life"

Henry then slid his member, inch by inch to be sure that Y/N was coping with what she was given.

He was just half through when it began to hurt.

"It's alright, doll!" Henry consoled her "I'm sorry, I'll go slow, I promise"

Henry found his way out as he had an idea to ease the process. Y/N still under him, he got down on her and made a feast of the flesh flashing before his eyes.

There was no doubt: he was much better at this than with golf.

As Y/N looked down at the face that had found shelter between her legs, she noticed just how dedicate he was. He was giving it all the attention required.

His eyes were glistening by the feeble light above their head.

Henry's cock was beating a rhythm of its own, pleased at it was that Henry was able to make Y/N moan with just his tongue and fingers.

The resort was known for "its quiet nights" and "tranquil setting" but tonight, Henry was eager to go off the rails.

It did have the expected effect on Y/N since her lair had gotten damp. Henry let her come back from the mountain she had climbed before he dived inside.

This time around, the whole length got in no sooner said than done.

"You're just so gorgeous!" Henry articulated with difficulty as he was carrying his moves, putting more energy by every second that went by.

Y/N's fingers borrowed the path drawn by his torso which was dripping with sweat "You're one very good student. And a very hot one too"

Henry's heart was pounding in his chest as he lifted Y/N's legs to put them by each side of his spine. That way, he reached a new spot with the tip of his penis which made Y/N pant with his name on her lips.

"Henry!" she cried her lungs out through the dark of the night. The tranquil nights long gone.

"Come for me, doll!"

She didn't have to hear twice as she was unleashing her falls.

But Henry was insatiable. Though teased twice by the sight of Y/N coming for him, his cock was still showing no sign of weakness.

He was willing to let go of her lover to give her some rest while he would take care of himself but Y/N stopped him as he was about to take off the condom.

"I wouldn't mind a third lesson" she told him "Let's change the angle. Show me how your swing's going. As for your stamina, Mr. Cavill, it got much better"

Y/N got on all fours, spreading her legs for Henry to come up behind her. As he entered the well, Y/N stretched herself so that she in turn allowed more of Hnery to get in and out.

Henry was admiring the view as he held Y/N by her hips, pounding her.

In and out, fast at first, the sounds of his cock hitting the bottom of her cunt.

Then Henry who got tired of the the action - and who was not going to hold it back for very much longer as Y/N's moans were rushing his climax - got slow, savouring every second he had ahead of him before he would come too.

Sensing that Y/N was close to get her third orgasm as she got tight around his cock, he decided for her to come to do so as well, and hoped that it would arrive soon.

She did come, shouting and laughing as she came back.

"I don't want you to come in that. I want to see you coming for me, Henry"

Henry then quickly removed the piece of latex which was soiled with pre-cum. The sole fact of taking it off almost made him come.

Henry kneeled on the bed by the level of Y/N who was laying down and emptied himself on her stomach.

"I cannot wait for our next class" Henry said in a sigh as he rested his limbs by Y/N.

[melodramaticfanatic-blog]

Lucky in Love

Pairing: Chris Evans x reader

Warnings: It’s safe to assume that all my stories are going to have at least a little NSFW, 18+ and language. Just how I write.

Summary: Y/N became friends with Chris Evans shortly before Captain America fame made him a superstar. Now they’ve been through a lot together but Chris has always wanted more A/N: For @troublermalik. Chris Evans one shot with fluff and some NSFW/smut. This got long (WAY TOO LONG for a one shot probably) because I kept working on it and then putting it on hold and then today hormones made me their bitch so I went in on it HARD (while crying over the soundtrack from The Greatest Showman, naturally.) so sorry or whatever. Oh, and I hate this title!! I tried like 3 and didn’t like any of them

Word count: 8575 roughly.

Gif not mine, credit to owner

Y/N breaking her tooth was the best thing that had ever happened to Chris Evans. It may have been painful for her and required an emergency visit to a dentist, but if she hadn’t slipped while bowling and managed to fall at exactly the wrong angle, they may never have met. 

It had happened 2 years ago. Y/N had been on a blind date, a set up through one of her friends, and the man took her to a cosmic bowling alley. The lanes were dark, disco balls and black lights flashing against neon paint as classic rock pumped out of the speakers. Although the idea for the evening was great and Y/N wanted to enjoy herself, the man who was accompanying her was the worst kind of date. He was overly competitive about the score, utterly uninterested in talking to her (not that he could have even if he wanted to with the volume of the music), and far too interested in her various body parts. 

All in all, when the laces of the rental shoes untied (something Y/N didn’t notice due to the dim lighting) and caused her to stumble onto the slippery wax lanes where she promptly fell on her face, it wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. At least that was her immediate thought before she realized that she had chipped her tooth and the broken shard had injured her lip leaving her with a bloody mouth and damaged smile. She had bid a quick farewell to her date, promising to reschedule without any intention of actually following through on it, and left the lanes while searching google for the closest dentist’s office. That dentist just happened to be Dr. Robert Evans, who’s son Chris was lucky enough to be in the office visiting when Y/N arrived as he had just gotten home from filming his upcoming Marvel debut, “Captain America: The First Avenger”. Despite her bloody mouth and eventual slurred speech due to novocain, Chris and Y/N had hit it off immediately. 

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“You have no idea who you’re messing with.” Y/N narrowed her eyes at Chris and tried her best to look intimidating despite the fact that the man was several inches taller than her with the physique of a superhero...literally. 

“Bring it on Y/N,” Chris taunted back. 

“I’m warning you...”

“If you’re so confident, why not make this interesting?” he retorted with his characteristic easy charm. Despite his light tone there was an undercurrent of competitiveness to his words. Chris played to win at everything in life.

Y/N sized the man up and arched an eyebrow. “Name your terms.”

“If your skills are what you say they are-”

“They are,” she interjected.

“Well then, I’ll owe you a six pack of beer to drink while I wash your car. If, by some freak accident, I prove to be more talented in this particular arena than you are though...” Chris smirked at her for a moment as he thought about what he’d claim as a prize. Then his entire face lit up with mischievous delight. “You’ll be accompanying me to the upcoming Avengers red carpet premier.”

Y/N pursed her lips as she thought about the stipulations. She felt very confident in herself but if something did go wrong...she didn’t like the idea of going to a premier. She had been photographed several times while hanging out with Chris and her picture had even gotten into the tabloids. It was not the most pleasant experience in the world. Many of his fans knew about her; she was his best friend after all so he had mentioned her in interviews a few times. Most fans were very nice in regard to her relationship with Chris, they knew she dated other men and knew that Chris dated other women so they did not see her as a threat. Every time her picture appeared in a tabloid next to the Captain however, a new outcry would rise from the internet and she would be hit with waves of negative comments and anonymous hatred from obsessed fan girls. Going to a premier where there would be rows upon rows of journalists and photographers seemed like pushing her luck. 

“Scared Y/N?” Chris had his most dangerous smirk firmly in place, one side of his mouth lifted and his brow quirked. It was obvious to Y/N that he was teetering on the edge of laughter, ready to break out any second in the full body shaking peals that were never far from the surface. 

“Of you?” She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin defiantly. “Never. I just feel bad that all the paparazzi are gonna be able to snap pictures of you washing my car. Maybe they’ll publish articles speculating about if you’re broke and working for me to make ends meet!”

His smirk just got wider. “Just remember, I like how you look in silver.”

“Thanks but I won’t need to know that. Now stand back in awe.”

Y/N pushed her hand against Chris’s chest lightly and the man took a step back chuckling, more likely to be kind than because the shove had any effect on him. She positioned her feet carefully, shoulder width apart and narrowed her eyes with focus. Her fingers tightened around the grip of the club in her hand and she drew her arms back slowly before swinging them out again in a gentle arc, knocking the bottom of the metal putter against the brightly colored ball on the ground. It connected with a pleasing knock and spun forward along the artificial grass.

“Go baby, go...” Y/N muttered under her breath as she tracked the ball’s progress. “Curve for me...!”

As though the ball could hear what she was asking of it, it swerved and began to ride along the ridge of a hill.

“Yes...yes...YES!” The ball found the perfect course trajectory and dropped into a small cup next to the large flag that marked the hole. “Hole in one! Fear my mini golf genius, Evans!”

Y/N jumped into the air and came down to rest on one knee, celebrating as if she were Tiger Woods and had just won the PGA cup. Chris couldn’t resist shaking with laughter at the display, his right hand coming up to grab his left pectoral as it always did when he laughed uncontrollably. 

“We’ve got a long course to play here, Y/N. Don’t get cocky on me now.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Y/N retorted with a serious air before her face turned wicked. “Being cocky is your job.”

Chris shook his head and positioned himself at the line between artificial grass and sidewalk. All around him, children and families were delighting in the amusements of the mini golf course: chasing balls that had escaped into water hazards, taking pictures with the fake dinosaurs that lined the Jurassic themed diversion, laughing and lamenting their poor luck as they came out of a hole that was only par 2 with more than 5 strokes. 

He and Y/N often ended up in strange contests like this as they were both competitive and had a fondness for sports...or at least sport like activities. They had done everything from beach volleyball to ultimate frisbee, usually with a small wager attached to the win. Most nights, Chris wanted to win because he liked to win. Tonight however, he wanted to win so that he could have Y/N on his arm at the upcoming premier. He had just broken up again with his on-again / off-again girlfriend and knew that showing up at the premier alone would only result in him being bored out of his mind most of the night. Y/N would absolutely prevent that; she was always fun to be around. 

“You going to shoot your shot Evans or have I intimidated you into quitting already?”

“Oh please, my skills are hotter than the fire coming from that very fake volcano.”

Y/N cocked her hip out slightly and braced her hand against it, striking the international pose of female confidence as her face resolved into an expression of exasperated incredulity. Chris tried not to focus on her, tempting as it was to ignore the game and spend his time watching Y/N and laughing in the unrestrained way she always caused. Instead, he trained his eyes on the blue ball he had picked out (a choice that Y/N had made some very uncouth remarks over) and concentrated on hitting it with enough force to find the cup but not the excessive amount that would cause it to skip right over the hole. With an apparent lack of effort, Chris managed to sink his shot in one as well. 

“Oooooh,” he chuckled and shook his head. “What’s Danny gonna say when you tell him you can’t go out for date night because you’ll be on my arm?”

“I don’t think he’ll be too upset,” Y/N deadpanned back. “After all, I’m sure he’ll be out with his new girlfriend that night.”

“You guys broke up?”

“Yeah, earlier this week.” Y/N ran a hand through her hair, mussing it up prettily as she led the way to the next patch of green. “He was too needy, ya know? Everything was always about him. Like, I’d get home from working a 10 hour shift and he’d be there asking me why I hadn’t made him dinner.” She shook her head in a frustrated way. “Who looks at me and thinks Stepford Wife?”

It’s definitely not the first thought I have, Chris mused silently. My first thought has always been...no, never mind. Better not to acknowledge that thought. 

“Wow, bad time of year for romance all around, I guess.”

Y/N looked at him in confusion, one eyebrow arched delicately. 

“Jenny and I broke up again too,” he clarified. 

“Dude, you know I love Jenny,” Y/N began, her shoulders slumping as she looked at her friend, “but I seriously do not understand how you do it. I get whiplash just watching your relationship from the outside. How do you even keep track of if you’re together or not?”

“Maybe that’s been the problem all along, Y/N. I was thinking we were together when she was thinking we weren’t...we’re just on the wrong schedule! You’ve solved it, Dr. Phil!”

“Don’t you sass me, Evans,” she said as she reached out to smack his large bicep playfully. “I’m not afraid to call your mother.”

“Ok, ok, I’m just teasing. Nah, Jenny is great...and when it works, it’s great. But...” he trailed off with a shrug. 

“But how often does it work? Like a rough percentage?”

“Maybe...10% of the time?”

Y/N looked back at him with her eyebrows raised, her face expectant as he thought over what he had just said. 

“Yeah, I get you. If it’s only working 10% of the time, the other 90% sucks.” 

She nodded at him, a hint of sadness in her face. “You deserve better than 90% suckage Chris.”

Chris knew that Y/N was serious whenever she called him by his first name. Most of the time she referred to him simply as Evans or by some new mocking nickname she had crowned him with. Despite their teasing banter, the two were very close and cared for each other deeply. He knew that she wanted to see him happy just as much as he wanted that for her. 

“I’m tired of the whole relationship thing at the moment,” Y/N continued. “It never seems like the people involved are on the same page. It’s never just relaxed and easy. Like this! The way that we are together.” Y/N reached out and laid her hand against Chris’s chest, stopping their progress along the course so that she could look him in the eyes. “Everything is always good between us. We can talk about anything, we can always have fun, we’re tend to agree on the big stuff and be on the same wavelength...why can’t real relationships work like this?”

Chris gave an easy shrug and shook his head, watching as Y/N turned to move on to the next hole. Real relationships. We could have a real relationship, he thought, we could have a great relationship, even better than what you just described. If only you felt the same.

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“HA! Hahahahahahaha,” Chris had burst into the kind of laughter that doubled him over in exaltation. It ripped out of his belly and shook every muscle in his well toned body as he gripped his pectoral with one hand, his other hand holding Y/N’s shoulder as an anchor. 

“Not fair! If I hadn’t messed up the 12th hole so badly, I could have won!”

Chris could only shake his head as he laughed. He hadn’t just beaten Y/N, he had destroyed her. 

“Seriously, I think there was like, water on that hole or something. There is no WAY it should have taken me over 8 strokes to make a par 2 hole. STOP LAUGHING YOU BIG JERK!” She whined in a voice of fake outrage. 

“Oh, Y/N,” Chris sighed as he finally caught his breath. “You’re my favorite thing in the whole world.”

“Ha! I’ll believe I rank in the top 10, Evans, but I’m not claiming the top spot with your nieces and nephews around. Hell, I’m pretty sure even Dodger comes ahead of me on that list,” she scoffed. “Which is fair as he is such a great dog.”

He just smiled back at her indulgently, trying not to let on how wrong she was. “Whatever you say babe. Now, about what you’ll be wearing to the premier-”

“UUGGGHH!!”

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“UUUGGGHH!!! GRRRR!!! ARRRGGGH!!!”

“You can moan all you want, girlfriend. You made the bet, you have to deal with the consequences.” Y/N’s roommate, Angie, said in her thick New York City accent as she stood outside the bedroom. Years of being away from the city had done nothing to change how she spoke. 

Y/N felt like she had been groaning and moaning ever since she had lost to Chris that night at the golf course. She would never go back on her word so she had gone out and gotten a great gown, silver as requested, and prepared for tonight with a pedicure, manicure and professionally done make up and hair, but none of it had done much to calm her nerves. As happy and relaxed as she always was with her best friend, the spotlight was not her comfort zone. She didn’t want to think about how the next few hours would be spent in front of hundreds of people and in the company of movie stars. Sure, Chris was a movie star...but he was also just Chris. Silly, puppy-dog, can’t stop laughing, dork, sweetest human being alive Chris. Hanging out with him was like snuggling in a giant sweater. He was all fluff and comfort. Tonight was going to be a whole different ball game. 

“Seriously Ange...I’m not saying that I won’t go, but seriously...what am I doing?!”

“I can’t believe you’re whining about this, Y/N,” Angie replied with a roll of her eyes. “You’re going to the premier of a huge Hollywood movie where you’ll be next to some of the hottest men in the known universe. Oh yeah, and you’ll be there as the date of one of those absolute hotties. What is there to complain about?”

“Don’t call Chris a hottie...it’s weird.”

“He is a hottie. I can’t change the facts, girl. The fact that you are somehow magically blind to his intense good looks doesn’t mean I am.”

Y/N looked at her roommate and frowned. She wasn’t immune to Chris’s good looks; you’d have to be 10 kinds of stupid not to notice that the man was handsome. It was more that she chose not to think about him that way. Keeping him solidly locked in her mind under the label of “Friend” made everything much simpler. 

“If you’re going to stand there and mock me, the least you could do is tell me how I look?”

Y/N gave a small spin for her roommate. Her hair was pulled back into an elegant style that she would never be able to replicate again, which complemented her sleek gown nicely. The structured bodice hugged her beautifully and pushed her chest up to put a decent amount of cleavage on display. Its straps lay off the shoulders, a delicate drape of fabric brushing against her upper arm, and the fabric continued in long swaths down the back of the gown, creating a train-like effect. The skirt itself had a small train, really just a puddle of fabric attached to the slim tube that was fitted to her legs. The whole gown fit like a dream, she hadn’t even needed alterations, which was the main reason she had picked this one. 

“You look amazing. You’ll fit right in. In fact, I’ll be surprised if you don’t come home with a date...if you get your choice of the men, go for Tom Hiddleston. I’ve seen him dance; I think you could make good use of the way those hips move.”

“Angie!” Y/N cried out in shock just as there was a knock on the door. 

“What? I’m human, girlfriend.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Y/N responded, brushing by her roommate. “You’re something alright.”

Quickly checking her hair in a mirror and smoothing her hands over the front of the dress, Y/N opened up the door. Chris was standing in the hallway and before she could put up her guard against it, Y/N was struck with exactly how amazing he looked. His dark hair had been gelled lightly and slicked into a dapper style that fit his bone structure perfectly. His beard was trimmed and neat and before Y/N could reign the thought in, she found herself wondering if it would tickle to be kissed by him with that beard. Damn Angie, putting thoughts into her head just before Chris arrived. The best part though was his suit. It was a bright cobalt blue that accentuated his eyes until they became hypnotic. The bright white of his shirt made a gorgeous contrast to the bright blue fabric and the black that lined the lapel of the jacket. 

“Well damn,” Chris said with a frown as his shoulders dipped.

“What? What’s wrong?” Y/N looked down at herself nervously. “Is the dress not good? Do I look terrible?”

“Not at all. It’s just that..” he trailed off with a shake of his head and looked down while she waited anxiously. “Well, I tried so hard and thought I looked pretty good tonight but now it’s not going to matter at all because no one is going to be able to look away from how beautiful you are, babe!”

“Don’t do that, Evans!” Y/N reached out and punched his shoulder as he looked up at her from under his lashes with a wicked smile.

“Couldn’t help myself,” he said with a chuckle. “Seriously though, Y/N. You look more incredibly beautiful than any woman I’ve ever seen.”

“You can keep the compliments coming, I’m not forgiving you that quickly.”

“Since I have your permission, I think I’ll just keep complimenting you all night.”

“When are you just going to ask her out, Chris?” Angie called from inside the apartment. “I’m sick of you two doing this ‘We’re just really good friends and there’s no sexual tension between us’ thing.”

“Angie!” Y/N practically screamed. “I swear, if rent was not so obscenely ridiculous, I would kick you out and pretend we didn’t know each other.”

Chris laughed a bit awkwardly and cleared his throat.

“Alright, if you’re not going to jump on it, girlfriend, I’ll take this bullet. When are you going to ask me out?” Angie had come to the door and was looking at Chris with a cocky expression on her face.

“We’re leaving. Right now,” Y/N said, her tone dark. She gave Angie a small but forceful push back into the apartment, grabbed her clutch from the table near the door and proceeded to slam it behind her. “I cannot even. I don’t know what the hell has gotten into her tonight.”

“I hate to tell you but that was not a tonight only situation,” Chris said as he easily looped an arm around Y/N’s waist. “Your roommate has been flirting with me like that since the first time I met her.”

“And you never mentioned it?” Y/N looked up at Chris in confusion but he just gave a relaxed shrug. 

“She doesn’t actually mean anything by it. Trust me, if I took her up on it and asked her out, she would freeze up and then refuse.”

“And you know this because...?”

“Just one of those things.”

Y/N continued to look up at Chris, her brow furrowing and a small frown creasing her face. She didn’t like the sound of that. Had Chris asked Angie out? Had they actually gone out? As they walked out to the waiting town car, Y/N pondered the possibilities silently and tried to decide why the idea of her friend and her roommate having secrets or a relationship bothered her so much.

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Flashbulbs were everywhere. It was beyond blinding and if Chris hadn’t kept a steady hold on Y/N, she probably would have bumped into someone and fallen down. 

“They’ll calm down in a bit,” he whisper-shouted into her ear. “The only reason they’re taking so many pictures is cause we just got here. A little down the line, you’ll have no trouble seeing.”

“How can you see?!” she asked in a terrified voice.

“I’m just used to it.”

“I don’t understand how anyone could ever get used to this...” Y/N muttered.

Chris took her hand in his and squeezed it gently. He knew this wasn’t where she felt the most comfortable but he also wanted Y/N to enjoy herself. Premiers weren’t always great but if you let them, they could be a lot of fun. 

“Mr. Evans, we need you for a quick chat over here,” an assistant came bustling up to direct him to an interview. 

“Do you want to come with or hang back?”

Y/N looked at him with wide and wild eyes. “Hang back, definitely hang back.”

He laughed and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek for courage. “Stay right here, babe. I’ll be back before you know it.” He pressed down lightly on her shoulders as though he were sticking her in place and moved off to the microphone the assistant had pointed out. 

Y/N took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm herself. Chris had been right about the flashes calming down and now that some time had passed she was able to see a little better. In front of her were lines and lines of journalists and photographers, all calling out names and questions, but behind her there were bleachers full of fans. Many of them had signs and posters; some looked as though they had been camped out all day. Y/N turned slightly so that she could read some of the signs. 

“Hey, hey, Y/N!” someone called out to her. 

She looked around and spotted a fan at the barrier waving to her. “Umm...hi?”

“HI!! Sorry, this is probably totally creepy,” the girl said with a big smile. “I just feel like I know you from all the times Chris has talked about you.”

Y/N went a little closer to the girl. She was young and had obviously been waiting for a long time. Clutched in her arms was a canvas with all of the Avengers lovingly represented on it. One or two of the characters now bore a signature from the actor who played to role. 

“That’s really cool,” Y/N said pointing to it. “Did you make that?”

“Yeah!” Her face lit up as she held the canvas out for Y/N to inspect. “I want to be an artist when I grow up.”

“Do you mind?” Y/N reached out hesitantly and the girl placed it in her hands. It was incredible, each detail captured, every character given so much emotion. “You’re really talented.”

“Thanks! I was hoping to get everyone to sign it but...I couldn’t get a couple people’s attention. Do you think you could ask Mr. Evans if he’d sign it though?”

Y/N looked up at the girl and smiled. “Hold on to this,” she said, handing the canvas back. “I’ll make sure he comes over...or I’ll kick some Captain butt.” With a quick wink and smile, Y/N turned back to the front of the carpet and moved back to the space where Chris had left her. As if on cue, he finished his interview and returned to her. 

“Ready to keep going?”

“Not quite. I need two favors from you actually.”

Chris stared at Y/N, his eyebrows slightly raised. He could tell by her low and serious voice that she was being sincere. “What’s up?”

“Do you know who’s already inside?”

“Uh, yeah. I know that RDJ, Hemsworth, Mackie, Scarlett, Paul and Tom Holland have made it down the carpet...why?”

“Alright, she caught Rudd and Tom Holland. Do you have their phone numbers? RDJ, Hemsworth, Mackie and Scarlett, I mean?”

“Yeah...again, why?” Chris was beginning to look at Y/N like she had lost her mind. 

“’k, so favor number one: can you send a group text to those guys and the rest of the cast and ask them to make sure they sign this girl’s artwork?” Y/N jerked her head slightly to indicate where the fan stood. “She’s been here for a long time waiting and she made this incredible work of art to honor you all. It’d really mean a lot if everyone did this. If they could just come back out really quick?”

Chris was beaming at Y/N now, his phone already in his hand. He had been worried that she hated every bit of what was happening and it warmed his heart to see her caring so much about his fans.

“Done. Is favor number two that I go over and sign it right now?”

“Well...yeah.” Y/N gave an embarrassed shrug. “Sorry to be predictable.”

Chris wrapped his arm around her waist again, guiding her back towards the fan. “Trust me, babe. This is not an ‘’I’m sorry’ situation.”

Y/N smiled up at him brilliantly before grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the young girl. “Look who’s here! And I didn’t even need to kick his butt. I just told him someone had a picture of his face and he couldn’t be stopped,” she said teasingly, looking between Chris and his fan. 

“It’s true,” Chris said with his trademark charming smirk. “I can’t resist beautiful things.”

Y/N laughed at him and shook her head, stepping back slightly so that his fans could have access to him. Watching him talk to everyone, sign posters and pose for pictures, she was reminded how lucky she was to have him in her life. His presence was something she had almost grown too accustomed to...almost taken for granted. 

“Hey Y/N,” said a low voice just behind her.

She turned to look over her shoulder and spotted Sebastian Stan standing at her side. She had met him several times before through Chris and had forgotten that as another Marvel actor he would be attending tonight. 

“Hey Seb, it slipped my mind that I’d be seeing you.” 

The man reached out and draped an easy arm around her shoulder, pulling her into his side. “Ouch, didn’t realize I was so forgettable,” he said with a chuckle. 

“Don’t be stupid,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“He can’t help it, stupid is his default setting,” Anthony Mackie teased as he walked by on his way to sign the canvas.

Both Seb and Y/N laughed at the man, Seb miming a kick in his direction.

“So, did Chris bring you tonight?”

“Yup...I lost a bet.” Y/N hung her head in a comical display of shame. 

“Well you may have lost but I think we all won.”

She looked up at him with her head cocked to the side. 

“You look gorgeous, Doll.”

“Oh,” Y/N blushed furiously, both at the nickname and the words preceding it. “Thanks...?”

Sebastian laughed at the way her word went up at the end, turning it into a question. 

“Hey Seabass!” Mackie called out. “Get over here and look at this. The girl managed to capture my magnificent thighs!”

With a smirk and a quick squeeze, Sebastian released his hold on Y/N’s shoulder. “Gotta go, Doll. Duty calls.” He shot her a wink and walked off to the line of fans, clapping Chris on the shoulder as they passed each other. 

“Alright, I’m thirsty,” Chris said as he reached her. “Ready to go inside?”

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“You didn’t tell me to make sure I had waterproof mascara on, you big jerk!” Y/N punched Chris’s shoulder again lightly, blinking her eyes rapidly and rubbing her hand along her cheek. The movie was fantastic, full of action and great one-liners like all Marvel movies, but it also had heart wrenching, terrible moments that had brought Y/N to the edge of sobbing. 

“I didn’t want to spoil anything,” he replied chuckling. “Besides, you look amazing.”

“I look puffy and red...and if I get a hold on Tom Holland tonight, I’m going to tear him apart for breaking me down like that!”

Chris was laughing in earnest now, his whole body rumbling. “That just means I have to spend the after party making sure you don’t get near him.”

“Good, you do that. Keep me at your side all night or I’m likely to hit one of your friends and cast mates for making me cry.”

“Alright, tough guy. Let’s go get a drink and enjoy the party, huh?”

“I can’t go in there yet!” Y/N looked at Chris in horror. “I have to go to the bathroom and take care of the trash panda mess that is my face! Get it together, Evans!”

She left him chuckling fondly as she strode off to check her makeup and gather herself. Hardly a minute had passed before Chris was joined by Sebastian, the man holding out a beer which Chris gladly accepted. 

“Where’s Y/N?” Seb asked casually. 

“Went to clean herself up. She got a little teary eyed during the screening.”

Sebastian nodded and took a long pull from his beer. “Listen man,” he started hesitantly. “Are you two...I mean, do you...”

Chris stared at his friend with his brow furrowed. 

“She still dating that guy? Davey, Dippy, Dopey...whatever his name was?”

“Nah, they broke up.”

Sebastian nodded thoughtfully. “And what about you?”

“I broke up with Jenny again, I told you that.”

“No, I mean, with her. Are you...would you be pissed if I asked Y/N out?”

Chris just stared at the other man. Sebastian wanted to ask Y/N out? His Y/N?? But she’s not mine, he reminded himself. She never has been. And she’s dated plenty of other men since I met her. What right do I have to tell Sebastian no?

“Uh- I mean, go for it.”

“Do you mean that?” Seb asked, studying Chris’s face.

“Yeah, sure. She did just tell me that she was kinda over the whole relationship thing right now though, so she might not be the most receptive...you might get a better response if you wait,” he added the last bit casually, tacking on a shrug and wondering if he was overacting the casual vibe he was aiming for. 

“I’ll take it into consideration,” Sebastian said thoughtfully. “See how the night goes and play it by ear.”

Chris just nodded numbly.

“Alright,” Y/N called as she approached the two men, “I’m decent enough to hang out with the world’s mightiest heroes again.”

“Would you settle for hanging out with the guy that plays a semi-stable 100 year old man?” Seb asked with a charming smile, stepping out to reach Y/N before she got to Chris. 

“Uh-” she said, glancing between the two men.

“Just don’t let her near Tom Holland,” Chris said, clapping Seb on the shoulder and moving away with a huge fake smile plastered on his face. “She’ll kick his ass and then we’ll all be in trouble.”

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

“Mr. Evans, I know it’s a party, but please don’t forget you still have a late night interview after this...it might be wise to slow down on the drinks?”

The small assistant was hovering near Chris’s elbow, his expression anxious as he watched Chris sip yet another scotch on the rocks.

Chris didn’t normally drink, but tonight was not a normal night. “Keep me at your side all night”, that was what Y/N had requested. That was what Chris had wanted. Instead, she had spent the evening on Sebastian’s arm, at Sebastian’s side, laughing at Sebastian’s jokes, dancing with Sebastian. He slammed down the rest of his drink, wincing as it burned his throat, and knocked the glass onto the bar. 

Most of the time, Chris was extremely easy going. He was good natured. He liked almost everyone. Jealousy was not something he felt often but at the moment it was twisting in his stomach like an anaconda around its prey. His center was nothing more than a tight fist of rage. This wasn’t him being competitive, this was a base instinct. Fight or flight. Protect what was his. And maybe it was just the alcohol or maybe it was seeing her with someone that seemed to pose a real threat to him, but at that moment, Chris decided that Y/N was his. She would be his.

“Mr. Evans? It’s about that time to head to the show?”

“Thank you, Harold,” Chris replied to the assistant with a smile, his face easing out of the angry mask it had become over the last few hours. “I just have to go and get something.” With that, he stood up and made his way over to where Seb and Y/N stood, the man’s arm laid casually around her shoulders. “Sorry to interrupt but I actually have to steal you away, babe.”

“Oh?” Y/N sounded surprised but not necessarily disappointed. 

“Yeah, gotta go to that chat show remember? Interview with James Corden for TV? You said you’d come hang out?”

“You can stay here if you’d rather,” Sebastian offered quickly. “I can always give you a ride.”

“Thanks Seb, but I’ll go with. I wouldn’t mind just chilling backstage. Besides, I really like James Corden. He always makes me laugh with his crosswalk musical things!”

Sebastian looked slightly disappointed but didn’t argue, choosing instead to simply give Y/N and Chris both hugs and send them on their way with a promise to call her and arrange lunch. 

“You guys are having lunch?” Chris asked as they left the building and walked towards the town car that was waiting outside for them.

“He offered to take me to a ball game and then buy me food,” she responded with a shrug. “I tried to make it clear that it wasn’t gonna be a date.”

“Oh?” he asked as his heart lifted. “Seb’s not your type?”

“I can’t imagine dating a celebrity,” Y/N replied, her tone laced with disgust. “Besides, I told you, I’m over the whole relationship thing right now.”

“Right...” Chris felt his heart sinking back down in his chest again. This was the first time since he had met Y/N that they were both single at the same time and he was free to try and start a romantic relationship with her. Of course she would be sworn off romance. Will I ever catch a break? he wondered as the car pulled out and began the short drive to James Corden’s studio.

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Y/N sat backstage and watched the monitors of what was happening just around the corner. James Corden had brought Chris out to wild applause from the audience and asked him a few introductory questions about the movie. Chris gave all the right answers, promoting the movie well and exercising his not unformidable charm. 

“And there are deaths in the movie?” James tried to wheedle out spoilers. “Does everyone make it through?”

“Hey, I’d love to tell you, but I’m pretty sure Marvel has snipers in the audience that would take me out before I got a word out,” Chris joked jovially. 

“Well, at least tell me if I should go to the theater prepared with kleenex! That’s just good manners.”

“I’ll say this,” Chris hedged with a small smile, “I have it on good authority that waterproof mascara is recommended.” 

“Oh, well I always make sure to wear waterproof,” James retorted with a flutter of his eyelashes to the audience’s delight. “But who is this good authority? I heard a rumor you were recently single again; was I misinformed?”

“No, that’s true, I did break up with someone not too long ago.”

“Someone new in your life already?”

“No,” Chris said with a warm smile, his eyes flicking down briefly as the smile grew wider. “No, not new. Someone who’s been in my life for a while but I never fully appreciated.”

“Oh?” James tried not to interrupt or even make himself very noticeable. If Chris  kept talking, he may get a huge scoop. 

“That’s not the right way to say it actually. I always appreciated this person. I’ve appreciated her since the day we met...but I always thought that we couldn’t be any more than we were.” 

Backstage, Y/N sat frozen. Was Chris talking about her? She had told him off about the waterproof mascara...but the rest...?

“You’re married right?” Chris looked up suddenly at James who nodded. “Is your wife the greatest person in the world? The one that you want to tell all your stories to? The one that you can talk about anything with and always have fun with? The person who always seems to be on your wavelength?”

James was nodding frantically in agreement. 

“But more than that, right? Like, she also expands the things you know, gives you new experiences, takes you new places. She makes you better than you are. She’s the person that you see first in any room. You could walk into a full three ring circus and your eyes would still find her first. It doesn’t matter what she’s wearing, she’s still the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen. She’s my best friend and so much more than just that; so much more than I can put into words. That’s how it is with her; that’s how I feel about Y/N.”

All the air in the room, all the air in the world, seemed to have disappeared. There was no sound. Not a rustle of fabric or a whine of an electronic device. Y/N’s lungs seemed to be clenched too tightly to draw breath. Chris was in love with her. That was what he had just said, wasn’t it? He hadn’t used those words but what else could he have meant?

“Thank you for sharing that with us, Chris. And congratulations to you and Y/N. On that rather beautiful note,” James turned to the cameras with a smile, “We’ll take a break and be right back!”

The audience clapped and a crew member counted them out, letting James and Chris know when it was safe to relax. The moment the cameras were no longer filming, Chris leapt from his seat, shook James’s hand and practically galloped backstage. He was worried that Y/N might have fled but she still sat, frozen, in the chair she had taken before he made his confession. 

“Y/N?”

She turned her head to look up at him, her eyes wide and dazed. “That was...”

“The truth?” Chris finished for her.

“Was it?” She asked, her gaze becoming more focused on him. “Is that how you feel?”

He nodded. “That and more. I should have told you before, I should have just listened to Angie and asked you out but I...I don’t know. We were such good friends. And you were always dating other guys. And you hate the celebrity thing, you always said you’d never date anyone famous and you hate it when your picture shows up places, and I knew if we were together your picture would be taken.” Chris knew he was rambling but couldn’t seem to stop. “I always thought you just hated my career too much and that you weren’t interested but tonight...you were so great tonight. You took such good care of those fans and you even had fun but then Seb came around and he was flirting with you and you were laughing and touching his arm and I was this close,” he held up his fingers with a small space between them, “to tearing his arm off and beating him with it. Make him even more realistic as Bucky. So I just had to tell you, I had to-”

Y/N flung herself out of the chair and into his arms, her lips colliding against his with all the force of years of repressed passion. Chris responded equally as enthusiastically, wrapping his large arms around her and lifting her off the ground as he pressed their bodies together. Her lips were lush and tasted slightly of vanilla and cinnamon; Chris wondered if she always tasted this sweet and then if she would taste this sweet everywhere else. His hand went to the back of her neck as her fingers tangled into his hair, causing the gelled locks to splay and stick out in ridiculous, messy patterns. She tugged on his tresses lightly, garnering a moan from him, which allowed her to briefly slip her tongue into his mouth. 

Chris held Y/N even closer, his tongue chasing after hers and caressing its way into her mouth. He ran it along her lips, against her teeth, finally reaching out to brush against her own tongue, licking and exploring her as deeply as possible. 

“Chris,” she breathed out raggedly, breaking the kiss to speak. “Dressing room. Now.”

He didn’t hesitate for a moment. She had already been in his arms so it was easy to reach a hand down to the back of her thigh and pull her legs around his waist. Walking quickly, he carried her down the hallway, ignoring the looks of several crew members. He had been waiting years for this moment, god help anyone who tried to interfere or judge.

While they walked, Y/N kissed along his neck, her light nibbling causing his knees to tremble dangerously. 

“It does tickle,” Y/N giggled slightly. 

“What’s that, babe?”

“I was wondering earlier if your beard would tickle me if you kissed me.” She nuzzled against him and giggled again. “It does.”

“Just wait...soon it’s going to be tickling the inside of your thighs,” Chris retorted, his tone darkened with lust. 

Y/N sucked in a deep breath and bit her bottom lip. “I’ll hold you to that, Evans.”

They reached the dressing room and Chris shoved the door open, striding inside and dumping Y/N onto the plush couch. “Don’t move,” he warned before turning to quickly close and lock the door. She wouldn’t have had time to move had she wanted to; Chris moved rapidly and within seconds was over her again, his body a pleasant weight pressing against her, pushing her down into the soft couch.

“I love this dress,” Chris muttered against her lips. “You look so amazing in silver.” He stopped to kiss her again as his hands traveled along her body. “But it’s covering too much of you...”

Chris sat up and grinned wolfishly at her before moving his hands down to her ankles. He went slowly, his touch brushing the fabric upwards as his fingers traced along her skin against her ankles, her calfs...up to the outside of her thighs. As his hands reached her hips, he looked away from their progress to stare at her eyes again. 

“Lift your hips for me, babe.”

She did as he asked and he continued to slip the fabric off her, his palms stroking over her belly, brushing along her breasts and finally coming up to pull the gown over her head. He cast it to the floor of the dressing room and simply stared down at her for a moment, sprawled on the couch in just bra and panties, looking up at him with her eyes full of hunger and lust. 

“Damn, Y/N. You are even more amazing than I imagined...and trust me, I imagined a lot.”

He grinned at her wickedly again as she bit her lip and then trailed his fingers down her neck causing her to shiver. He continued his descent, his hand stopping only briefly to squeeze her breast through her thin bra before moving down again to find the edge of her underwear. 

Never taking his eyes from hers, Chris slipped his fingers into the edges of her panties and drew them down, pulling them away from her and dropping them on top of her discarded dress. Y/N seemed shy, closing her legs and blushing, but Chris coaxed them open, kissing her knee and trailing his hand along her inner thigh. 

“You’re beautiful, babe.”

“Chris, I-” Y/N started but broke off in a ragged gasp as his fingers brushed over her slit. 

“You what?”

“I,” she panted. “I-”

“Is there something you want to tell me, babe?” His tone was teasing as he smirked down at her. He continued to run his thumb up her slit, pressing it against the small bundle of nerves each time. 

“Mmmm...” She moaned and arched her back. “More...please...”

Chris stoked her again, this time pressing circles against her clit when he reached it. “I don’t think that’s what you wanted to tell me, Y/N.” He moved her legs gently so that he was sitting between them, her slick sex fully exposed to him. “What did you want to tell me, babe?” Instead of stroking, this time when he touched her, Chris pressed his long middle finger inside her, groaning at how she squeezed around it.

Y/N was panting and moaning, her hips moving on instinct against Chris’s hand, chasing pleasure, while her own hands squeezed and tweaked her breasts. 

“I love you, Chris,” she said on a breathy exhale. “I love you!”

“I love you too, babe,” Chris said triumphantly. He pulled his finger out of Y/N earning a moan of disappointment that rapidly became a groan of pleasure when his mouth took the place of his hand. 

Chris licked a stripe along Y/N’s wet pussy, savoring the taste of her, every bit as sweet as her lips. Just as he had promised, his beard tickled the inside of her thighs as he went to work, exploring every part of her with his tongue. Every few strokes and licks he would work his way back to her clit, giving it a firm flick with his tongue before sucking it gently. In a matter of minutes, Y/N was coming undone, chanting his name while he sucked on her and shaking as the waves of her orgasm washed through her. She was so overwhelmed by the pleasure, she didn’t even notice as Chris stood and began to undress. It wasn’t until his body weight was above her, pressing her pleasantly into the couch again, that she opened her eyes.

“Hey babe,” Chris whispered, kissing her lightly. His face hovered over hers, bright blue eyes shining down at her with a mixture of lust and love, his hair still standing on end from where she had run her fingers through it. 

Y/N moved her hands to his shoulders, squeezing the large muscles and sliding along the soft skin. He was the most beautiful man she had ever met and he loved her.

“I need you inside me,” she whispered to him. 

Chris wasted no time in complying. The tip of his hardened length had already been aligned with her, brushing against her entrance teasingly. At her word, Chris pressed his hips forward, both of them groaning as he slipped into her. 

“Damn, babe,” he moaned against her neck, his head falling against her, “You’re so tight.”

Y/N couldn’t think straight enough to protest that it wasn’t her tightness but rather his impressive size. Chris was thick and long; he was barely inside her and already filling and stretching her in that perfect blend of pleasure and pain. He moved slowly, pressing into her with gentle determination until he was fully sheathed in her. For a moment they simply stayed that way, as closely connected as possible, but before long, Y/N was aching for him to move, craving the friction and pleasure to come. 

“Please, Chris,” she begged him. “Please fuck me.”

Chris chuckled and kissed along her neck, slowly drawing his hips back and starting a steady rhythm, rocking against her. 

“More,” she moaned as her fingernails dug into his back.

He snapped his hips forward forcefully and she cried out, her back arching as her face screwed up in pleasure. Chris kissed along her jawline and continued, his strokes becoming faster and harder now that she was accustomed to the feel of him. 

“I’m close, I’m so close,” Y/N moaned as he continuously hit the sweet spot deep within her.

“Me too, babe,” Chris said through gritted teeth, his thrusts becoming sloppy. “Let go, Y/N...just enjoy it.”

With one last moan of his name, she came undone again, her nails digging into his back as her body tensed and relaxed, her muscles clenching tightly around Chris and bringing him over the edge as well. He found her lips again, kissing her and moaning her name as he continued to thrust, coaxing them both through the waves of pleasure as they came down. 

For another minute, they simply lay on the couch, twisted in each other’s arms, enjoying the feelings they had been denying themselves for years. Then Chris drew back to stare down at Y/N; her hair was a mess from rubbing against the couch, her cheeks flushed and lipstick smeared. Her eyes were still glazed with recent pleasure and her chest heaved unevenly. 

“You’re just as beautiful as the first time I saw you,” Chris said lovingly, leaning down to kiss her chastely. 

“The first time you saw me I had a hole in my lip and a mouthful of blood,” Y/N scoffed at him.

“Yeah, you did. And you were still the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen.”

“Such a liar, Evans.”

“Not to you, babe. Not about this.” He shook his head seriously. “I was crazy about you from the first moment I set eyes on you.”

Y/N blushed and looked away from him biting her lip. “Hey...what’s our percentage?”

“What?”

“You know how things were only good with Jenny like 10% of the time? What would you say our percentage is?”

Chris looked down at her and laughed, enjoying the unrestrained laughter that she always brought out in him. “About...99.9%.”

She looked thoughtful for a moment before breaking out into a huge smile. “I’ll take that answer.” 

“What percentage would you have said?” Chris asked quizzically. 

“Nope, not telling,” Y/N said with a smile as her phone started to buzz. 

“Oh, come on, babe, that’s not fair!”

“You should have asked me before you told me what your percentage was if you wanted to know! Now I have no incentive to tell you,” she teased while grabbing her phone. 

“Oh, I can give you an incentive,” Chris growled playfully. “Come ‘ere!”

He grabbed her and pulled her laughing back to the sofa, kissing her wildly and tickling his fingers along her body. Y/N’s phone lay forgotten on the table, the screen open to a text from Angie that read simply: “Saw Corden. About damn time!”

[ancientbooshartifacts]

Mike’s Secret Girlfriend (Part 2)

Author: Nonexistantpup

Year: 2009

Rating: PG

They had an interview that day - just one, thankfully, any more and Dave wouldn't have been able to keep up. Straight afterwards, he made his way back to his room at the fancy hotel they were all staying at. Maybe it was just pride, but he really didn't fancy having to be carried up there two days in a row, and his energy was failing fast.

It felt slightly pathetic that his will to lay off the topic of Mike's mystery-girlfriend lasted so little time. The moment he was in a room without the younger Fielding brother, in fact, he veered the conversation in that direction.

Well, not so much 'veered'; such a phrase implied subtelty, of which he employed none.

"Who's Mike dating?" Dave asked. Noel and Rich, who had helped get him up here, both looked bemused.

"Nobody," said Rich. "If he tried to get off with somebody he'd just get squished."

"You're fucking lucky he's not here," Noel responded automatically. There was a pause before he seemed to notice Dave was expecting an answer. "I dunno. Why?"

Dave shrugged.

"It's just weird for him to keep secrets, isn't it?"

"I guess," said Rich. "I don't remember the last time he made proclamations about who he was screwing though."

Noel gave him a half-hearted dirty look.

"Are you pissed?"

Rich grinned self-deprecatingly.

"Bite me like a bitch. Anyway, what makes you so sure he's seeing somebody?"

Dave gave a shrug.

"He told me. Reluctantly, but he told me."

"So - what, he was just like, 'By the way, Dave, I'm going out with somebody and I'm not telling you who'?"

Dave rolled his eyes at Noel.

"I said 'reluctantly', you twat. Anyway, I was trying to work out why I tried to kiss him when I was wasted at the launch."

A brief silence. Dave shifted uncomfortably.

"Oh, fuck off. I was in a druggy stupor. And he said 'you're taken and so am I'. Tried to deny it afterwards, but it's what he said."

With a little grin, Rich reached forward to ruffle Dave's hair.

"You were just jealous," he said affectionately. Dave game him the finger. "Oh, come on," the older man said, rolling his eyes. "What did you expect? We'd all huddle around and pool information while giggling and braiding each other's hair?"

"I'll ask him," said Noel decisively, ignoring this little exchange completely. "If he won't even tell me, I'll call Mum and Dad."

Rich blinked.

"You're going to tattle on your little brother?"

It was Noel's turn to give him the finger.

"I'll call Mum and Dad and see if they know," he said slowly, as if his companions had all the intelligence of a pair of baboons. Noel stood up.

"Are you serious, Fielding?" Rich said flatly. "Spank me with a golf club if I'm mistaken, but aren't you a thirty-seven year old man who has just starred in a movie?"

Noel snorted.

"Said the resident gossipy old lady," he retorted. "Hold on, I'll be back."

Noel wasn't kidding, oddly enough.

= =

These hotel beds are soft. No wonder he fell asleep last night. Even now, despite being perfectly rested, he feels a bit drowsy. Mike is lying on his belly facing the wrong end of the bed and dressed only in a pair of gold skinnies Noel bought and then decided he didn't like. Ah, the joys of having a big brother who likes to play dress-ups.

Not that Mike has to play along, of course, but he’s sure as hell never going to admit that sometimes he likes the attention.

A crossword sits on the bed in front of him. Mike is good at crosswords, and likes to have a little book of them when he is travelling. Now, though, he’s not doing much more than doodling in the margins, and vaguely listening to the little TV that plays in the background.

It’s an episode from the second season - the first one. Call of the Yeti. It’s the first episode that had the Moon in it, actually, and during the filming Noel had gone through a frightening stage when he’d tried to convince everybody that Mike should play the Moon.

He never got anywhere, luckily.

Mike likes watching The Mighty Boosh.

Not just because he actually enjoys the utterly insane little world Noel and Julian founded, but because it's like flipping through an old photo album. He sees certain props from certain days, and remembers things. Remembers just what he was doing behind that shed, remembers biting his fist to keep from moaning while Noel was doing a take.

It's not even all sexual though. He remembers other things too. He remembers holding hands inconspicuously, remembers the incredibly sappy letters and presents he would find in his dressing room, hidden carefully so Dave wouldn't find them instead. He remembers secretly keeping them and hiding them; he still has every one.

Mike likes to remember the moments that made him realise, although they were sneaking about and hiding what they were doing, what they were, it didn't make their relationship any weaker. If anything, it felt stronger. It meant they could never ever forget to be friends too, or everybody would notice. It meant they had to resolve arguments immediately and couldn't let them fester, lest somebody pick up on the tension.

He remembers running from shadow to shadow, giggling like a twelve year-old girl. Talking for hours after rehearsals.

It makes Mike a bit lonely sometimes though. All this nostalgia. He can't just tell other people what he's feeling, can't ask for help when he's uncertain.

Sometimes he envies how easily Noel flirts with people, how comfortable and utterly open he is about love, sex and everything in between. Not with everyone of course, but he is with Mike very open. Usually, this is reciprocated too; hell, Noel's the only person Mike told when he lost his virginity.

But sometimes, Mike pities him as well. Because of all the secrecy, he's learned some special things that Noel never learned, or not until quite recently, anyway. Things about intimacy, trust, closeness - all concepts Noel has taken far longer to understand. Things he takes for granted.

It's ironic, really. Naboo is ancient, and he doesn't understand such things, and Vince, who is younger, does.

Ironic.

Sometimes, Mike feels like he has a flashy little brother.

Speaking of whom.

Fingernails tap at his door and it couldn't be anyone else.

"Come in, Noel," says Mike. He doesn’t bother to change positions. He does, however, turn off the television and refocus on his crossword.

The door swings open and in, predictably enough, comes Noel.

"You’re not looking very sparkly today," Mike comments, looking up as if he’s been disturbed from a fascinating puzzle.

Noel chuckles, sitting down on the edge of the bed and slapping Mike’s backside in an irritatingly smug way.

"You stole my sparkles."

"Want them back?"

"No," says Noel defensively. "They were a gift." Now, he’s referring to the gold pants. Mike rolls his eyes.

"They were rejects from your wardrobe and too new to throw away."

"Same difference," says Noel.

There is a moment of quiet.

"Did you want something?" Mike asks uncertainly. Noel laughs again.

"Of course not."

Mike rolls his eyes.

"What do you want?"

"How’s your love life?"

For a moment, Mike stares.

"What?"

"Your love life," Noel repeats himself patiently. Patience - that’s never a good thing when it comes from Noel.

"Are you hitting on me or trying to set me up?"

Noel slaps his arse again, harder, and Mike scowls.

"Ow."

"Come on, I'm serious. Are you seeing anybody? Do you have a girlfriend?"

Finally, Mike begins to comprehend. Either Dave’s been talking or Noel was spying for the first time in about a decade.

"Shove off."

"Boyfriend?" Noel tries. To his credit, he seems like he’s expressing his curiosity by being supportive rather than mocking, which is rather nice.

Mike still scowls though.

"Come on, tell me. Have you got somebody, Mike?"

"None of your fucking business."

"Somebody special?" Noel presses.

Okay, that’s a little more mocking.

"I'm about three seconds away from kicking you," Mike warns.

"I'm about three seconds away from tickling you into submission," Noel counters, and Mike gives a little giggle. Yes, Mike often giggles. He’s working on it.

"Please. You big girl. You know I would take you down."

"Bollocks," says Noel, narrowing his eyes. "I’d bundle you up and pack you in my handbag. Now, tell me who you’re dating."

Mike rolls his eyes and turns back to his crossword.

"Nobody," he says with an air of finality, "Okay? Flying stag. Going solo. Cock without hen."

Noel splutters slightly, apparently not having expected this vivid analogy.

"Are you sure?"

Mike stares at him flatly, raising one eyebrow at his brother’s inane questioning.

"Okay, okay!" Noel concedes defensively.

When he is finally alone again, Mike’s not sure whether he’s pleased with himself or whether he just feels guilty. He doesn’t like lying, especially not to Noel. Usually he doesn't have to worry about it though; if he tries to, Noel generally sees through it.

With a sigh, Mike turns the TV back on, crosses his ankles over each other and focuses on his crossword once again.

[minijenn]

Universe Falls Chapter 32

Well, this one’s finally done. ANd that’s about all I can really say for it. It has its moments where I think its pretty cute, but other than that it stands as our last real fluff chapter for a while. Because next time around, kids, we’re diving headlong into the angst zone.... ;) 

Previous: http://minijenn.tumblr.com/post/158966244469/universe-falls-chapter-31

Chapter 32: The Golf War

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While it was still relatively early in the day, that didn’t stop Dipper, Steven, and Connie from continuing their Lonely Blade movie marathon from the previous day. While they had watched the first third films in the Japanese action film series at the temple yesterday, today they had taken to the den of the Mystery Shack, the three of them nestled around the recliner with Lion and Waddles resting together close by. The climax of the fourth Lonely Blade film was at its height, and while the entire movie was in Japanese, the kids didn’t have much trouble keeping up with things thanks to the English subtitles.

“It was you!” Lonely Blade exclaimed dramatically, pointing his sword as his opponent. “You were the one who killed my brother, cursing me to fight alone forever!”

“Oh, Lonely Blade, you so lonely,” Steven remarked sympathetically.

“I think that’s kind of the point, Steven,” Connie said with a soft chuckle.

“You think you can defeat me?!” Lonely Blade’s nemesis asked challengingly. “The President of the Shadow Samurai Government?!”

“What?!” the young Gem gasped, sitting up. “The janitor is the evil samurai president?! That’s bananas!”

“Seriously? That’s the big twist?” Dipper asked incredulously, not impressed. “It was totally obvious! He’s been mopping the floor in the background of literally every fight scene.”

“Yeah, and he’s even on the cover of the box,” Connie pointed out, holding said box up. “If they had really wanted to write in a good twist, then they should have made the delivery guy the president instead!”

“Oh man, exactly!” Dipper exclaimed. “Considering how unassuming and nice that guy was, it would have been way smarter for them to make him the villain! That would have been a much better twist ending, if you ask me.”

“That’s what I’m saying! It’s thematically resonant with the rest of the movie, plus it would have created much better suspense!”

“Hm… I don’t see it…” Steven frowned, their analysis going right over his head.

Still, before either Dipper or Connie could go into detail, Stan interrupted, stepping into the den with a full pan in hand. “Who wants Stan-cakes?” he asked, nodding to the breakfast he had just made. “They’re like pancakes, but they probably have some of my hair in them.” Of course, despite this rare offer for free food from the conman, the kids were all quick to turn him down.

“Pass.”

“…No, thank you.”

“I’m…. I’m good.”

“Eh, more for me.” Stan shrugged with a grin. However, he didn’t have much of a chance to sit down and enjoy his pancakes before the shack’s door burst open and Mabel rushed in with a very excited squeal.

“It’s here!” she proclaimed brightly, holding up a newspaper as she ran around the den. “It’s here! It’s here! It’s here! I’ve been waiting all morning and it’s finally here!”

“What’s here?” Connie asked curiously.

“This is!” Mabel waved the paper she was holding around. “The Gravity Falls Gossiper accepted my article about summer fashion tips for squirrels! My picture is gonna be in the newspaper!”

“Whoa! Mabel, that’s so awesome!” Steven exclaimed in amazement. “You know, me and the Gems were in the paper one time, and so was the temple! But… only for an article about the most dangerous places in Gravity Falls that people should probably stay away from…”

A bout of awkward silence passed at this, though Stan broke through it a moment or two later. “So, let’s see that article, kiddo,” he said, sending Mabel a surprisingly encouraging grin.

“Check it!” she exclaimed proudly, holding the front page out for everyone to see while the conman read it aloud.

“Pacifica Northwest declares V-neck the look of the season,” Stan read, only for his grin to instantly fade into confusion. “What am I looking at here?”

“Whoa, whoa, what?!” Mabel gasped, looking at the paper herself to find that her article of squirrel fashions was nowhere to be found. Instead, the front page had been commandeered by an article by Pacifica, as well as a large, flashy photo of the heiress herself.

“Looks like someone bought their way to the front page,” Dipper remarked with apt distain for Pacifica, especially seeing how distressed Mabel was as she looked over the article.

“I’m surprised she doesn’t do that every day, considering how hard it is for her to stay out of the limelight for even a minute,” Connie scoffed just as crossly.

“Is it legal for a child to wear that much makeup?” Stan asked, a hint of contempt in his tone as well.

“Ugh! Pacifica!” Mabel growled, throwing the paper down onto the floor in frustration. “She always ruins everything!”

“Aw, I’m sorry about your article, Mabel,” Steven said with sincerity. “But look at the bright side! You can always share your squirrel fashion tips with all of us!”

“Yeah, and besides,” Dipper interjected supportively. “Who even reads newspapers anymore anyway?”

“Dudes!” Soos exclaimed as he walked into the room, holding a copy of the paper. “V-neck season is upon us! Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashion curve? I’m taking it one step further… With a W-neck!” The handyman paused as he drew a W onto the collar of his shirt before haphazardly attempting to cut along it with a pair of scissors. “Must… follow… newspaper…”

“Well… that was some bad timing…” Connie noted with a frown.

“Oh, come on!” Mabel groaned in loud frustration as she stormed over to the table, pouring herself a glass of orange juice and downing it all in one gulp. “Ugh, I need something to get my mind off of this.”

Before anyone could even suggest something that could cheer her up however, the television happened to do it for them as it cut to an amazingly appropriate commercial. “Looking for a distraction from your horrible life?”

“Why, yes!” Mabel perked up, looking to the TV with immediate interest.

“Victory! Honor! Destiny! Heroism! Valor! Mutton!” the commercial boldly proclaimed. “These old-timey words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Put Hut! *No mutton available at the snack shop*.”

“There you go, Mabel! You love mini-golf!” Dipper exclaimed, grabbing his sister’s scrapbook off the nearby table to show the others. Sure enough, it featured a picture of a nine-year old Mabel taking home a gold medal in a minor league mini-golf tournament. “She’s been amazing at it since we were kids! What do you say, Mabel? We’ve had a stressful couple of days. How about we take a break, huh?”

“Great idea, Dipper!” Steven readily agreed. “Mini-golf is so much fun! There’s castles, and windmills, and having to outrun security after Amethyst jumps into the moat so she can collect all the lost golf balls and eat them all! It’s the best!”

“Well, everything but that last part is fun, at least,” Connie shrugged. “But still, Mabel, a few rounds of mini-golf would be a great for you to get your mind off of—y-you know what.”

“So what do ya say, pumpkin?” Stan asked with a warm grin. “Would kicking all our butts at mini-golf cheer you up?”

“Maybe a little…” Mabel said quietly, tugging gently on her hair while pouting.

“Come on, Mabel!” Dipper encouraged as he jumped to his feet. “Victory!”

At this, Mabel couldn’t really hold her usual zeal back as she brightly picked up where her brother had left off. “Honor!”

“Destiny!” Stan proclaimed, also caught up in the moment.

“Heroism!” Connie jumped in brazenly.

“Valor!” Steven declared with a huge grin.

“Mutton!” Soos finished as his W-neck inadvertently flopped down.

Seeing as how the excitement was infections, the entire group launched into a unified cheer as they began to head out, pumping their fists in the air in anticipation over their mini-golf adventure. “Victory! Honor! Destiny! Heroism! Valor! Mutton! Victory! Honor! Destiny! Heroism! Valor! Mutton!”

“And the pig and the lion can look after the house!” Soos exclaimed before shutting the door behind him, leaving Waddles and Lion to continue lazily napping together as if nothing had happened.

While Gravity Falls was a rather small town, its local miniature golf course was surprisingly large and elaborate. Ye Royal Discount Putt Hutt consisted of the standard 18 holes, each hosting a different decorative theme, from a pirate ship, to the Eiffel tower, to mines, to a large windmill, to its central medieval castle. Business was certainly booming as several groups played through the course, including the Pines and the Gems as they had just arrived.

Surprisingly enough, it hadn’t been that difficult for Steven to convince the Gems to come along, seeing as how they didn’t really have anything better to do with their free time. Plus, as soon as they heard that it was for the sake of helping Mabel feel better, they couldn’t really say no. And so, even though they really didn’t understand the rules of the game that well, the trio was still along for the ride as the group came up to the first hole.

“Ahh, mini-golf!” Mabel grinned as she took in a deep breath, already feeling much more content now that she amidst her old pastime. “The sport of mini-champions!”

“The grass is fake, but the fun is real,” Dipper added, leaning against his golf club. “There’s something here for everyone!”

“So when do we get to the part where we start beating each other with these weird sticks?” Amethyst asked, swinging her club around as the group prepared to take on hole 1.

“Amethyst, that’s… not how you play mini-golf,” Connie said with a concerned frown. “Though I’m pretty sure that is a good way to get arrested…”

“Oh come on,” the purple Gem groaned. “First I can’t throw cannonballs into the pool and now I can’t hit people with sticks? Human stuff is so lame!”

“Hey, Garnet,” Stan smirked in apt amusement upon seeing the overtly colorful plaid pants the Gem leader happened to be wearing. “Nice pants. Where’d you get them from? Some old Scotsman’s garage sale?”

“They’re my dad’s actually,” Steven spoke up. “I found them while looking through his old golf clubs. They’re a little big on me, so I gave them to Garnet so she can wear them!”

“And I think I pull them off well enough,” Garnet remarked assuredly. “By the way, Stan, nice slippers.” She smirked as she nodded to the conman’s choice of footwear, which, sure enough, happened to be a pair of bedroom slippers, despite the fact that they were out in public.

“Hey! I’ll have you know it takes a lot of effort for a man my age to put actual shoes on!” Stan protested hotly. “Plus, these just so happen to be really comfortable slippers, so I see no problem wearing them out and about every now and then.”

“Hey could you guys maybe keep it down a little?” Dipper asked as he prepared to take his first swing. “I’m trying to focus here.” Turning away from the group, he did just that, taking the time to carefully line up the shot, only for his swing to end up missing the ball entirely. However, this did end up sending the ball teetering to the right, or rather, into the nearby shallow pond.

“Oh, excellent shot, Dipper!” Pearl applauded with a genuine smile.

“Uh, Pearl? I was supposed to hit it into the hole,” Dipper pointed out with slight confusion as to the white Gem’s excitement.

“Wait, really?” Pearl frowned. “Well then clearly I misunderstood the point of this game…”

“Don’t worry, bro!” Mabel encouraged, pulling a dinosaur sticker out of her vast collection and slapping it onto Dipper’s cheek. “You’re still ‘ext-roar-dinary’!”

“I’ll take what I can get,” Dipper concluded with a sigh, moving out of the way to allow his sister to take her turn.

Mabel stepped up onto the green with apt confidence, making sure to grip her club just right as she positioned her aim seamlessly. “Ok, do the hip wiggle and—yah!” Despite her apparent finesse in preparing her shot, Mabel simply whacked it, watching expectantly as it glided through the course without hitting so much as a single snag. The others were all aptly amazed as the ball rounded its way to the hole, slightly missing it, though fortunately it bounced off of McGucket’s nose as the old man napped on the green before landing its way in. “Yes!” Mabel cheered over her hole in one as the others applauded, clearly impressed.

“Holy smokes!” Stan gasped with a surprised smile. “Someone in our family actually has talent!”

“Grunkle Stan, you ain’t seen nothing yet!” Dipper remarked, knowing full well just how much of a shark his sister was at mini-golf.

“That was incredible, Mabel!” Steven exclaimed with a smile. “No wonder you’re such a pro at Golf Quest Mini! You’ve got the real world skills to back it up!”

“It’s all in the hips, Steven,” Mabel shrugged, even if she was quite proud over her success. “All in the hips.”

“Mm, I’d argue and say it’s a bit in the shoulders too,” Connie noted as she stepped up to take her turn. Her approach was far different from Mabel’s however, as instead of hitting the ball hard, her stroke was gentle and precise, though still enough to send the ball careening through the green and past any obstacles in its way. In the end, the ball squarely landed in the hole, much to the group’s collective surprise. “Oh nice!” Connie exclaimed with a grin. “Looks like I still got it.”

“Whoa! Looks like we got two mini-golf masters on our hands!” Soos quipped, grinning at the girls.

“Indeed! How did you get so skilled at this game, Connie?” Pearl asked curiously.

“My parents enrolled me in mini-golf camp a few summers ago,” Connie explained. “I’m probably a little rusty after all these years, but I can remember most of what they taught us.”

“Mini-golf camp?” Dipper asked with a good natured chuckle. “Yeesh, Connie, what extra-curricular activity haven’t your parents made you do?”

“Eh, they mean well,” Connie also laughed. “They say all this stuff is supposed to help make me a ‘well-rounded individual’, but mostly I think its help bolster my college resume someday.”

“Well still, it’s good to finally have some friendly competition,” Mabel remarked, grinning at Connie. “It gets boring always beating Dipper by so many strokes on every hole!”

“Hey!” Dipper protested as Steven let out a small laugh.

“Well, I guess this will be a good chance for us both to put our skills to the test,” Connie smiled as she exchanged a sportsmanly handshake with Mabel. “Good luck, Mabel.”

“Same to you, Connie!” Mabel exclaimed brightly, though Amethyst was quick to interject into the friendly exchange.

“So now do we get to hit each other with these things?” she asked, holding her club up as the girls looked to her in confusion. “Yes? No? Later? Probably later, right? Yeah, probably later.”

Since their group was so large, it took a while for everyone to get through each hole of the course, but even so, fun was certainly being had. Throughout most of the game, Mabel and Connie were neck and neck, scoring mostly holes-in-one, with a few rare flukes every now and then. Of course, the others lagged far behind their skill, to the point that none of them could hope to come close, which meant they were all competing for third place. Despite his best efforts, Dipper inadvertently ended up sending most of his shots into sand traps or tight corners, while the majority of Steven’s shots ended up landing outside of each course altogether. Soos’ score was already ranking far above par for each hole, and Stan clearly wasn’t putting much effort into his swings, seeing as how they would often miss the hole by a longshot. Even the Gems weren’t faring much better, with Garnet sending more than a few balls hurdling towards the sky, Pearl coming up with complex, albeit non-functional formulas to try and land her shots just right, and Amethyst trying to eat her ball at nearly every hole.

By the time they had made it to the 18th hole, the dreaded Dutch windmill, Mabel and Connie were essentially tied for first place, with a very narrow margin existing between their scores. By their show of skill alone, the girls had already amassed a large crowd of patrons to watch their tense, yet friendly competition, and everyone waited on anxious, baited breaths to see who would come out on top. And indeed, it certainly seemed like either one of them could. Connie had already taken her shot, one that landed mere inches away from the hole, much to her disappointment. Mabel was set to go next, and already she was focusing all of her efforts into making this the perfect shot as everyone watched on in eager anticipation.

“Guys, this is amazing!” Dipper exclaimed as he finished tallying up the most recent score. “If Mabel gets one more hole-in-one, she’ll beat her all time high score!”

“But if she misses, then that means Connie could win,” Steven pointed out anxiously. “But I want Mabel to win too! Oh, this is so hard! Why can’t if just be a tie?!”

“I mean, it could be, if she misses,” Connie shrugged, not really bothered by either outcome. “At this point, it could go either way.”

“Or a different way entirely,” Garnet spoke up, adjusting her shades as vaguely as always.

Still, Mabel paid none of this speculation any mind as she lined her putter up to the ball, muttering intently to herself as she did so. “You got this, Mabel. Just pretend the ball is Pacifica’s face!” With that satisfying thought in mind, she finally made her move, whacking the ball and sending it cleanly through the windmill’s tiny opening. It certainly seemed like the ball was going to make it all the way to the hole, but instead, it rolled around its fringe and into the small puddle against the wall, where it unfortunately stopped and stayed. “Aw, nuts!” Mabel shouted angrily, tossing her putter to the ground in a petulant huff.

Upon witnessing this failure, a murmur of dissent rippled through the crowd as it began to steadily disband, only leaving the original group behind. Still, they were all quick to meet Mabel on the other side of the windmill as she morosely went to retrieve her ball. “Garnet, tell me the truth,” Mabel began as they all arrived. “Did you see me missing that shot with your future vision?”

“Mm… I saw it,” Garnet acknowledged gently. “But I didn’t want to throw your game off by telling you about it.”

Mabel let out a loud, exasperated groan at this, but even so, Connie was quick to jump in at an attempt to reassure her. “Don’t feel bad, Mabel. This is a tough hole, even for me.”

“Yeah! Plus that means you guys are tied for first!” Steven quipped with a reassuring smile. “You both won, which in my book, is pretty amazing.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it, kid,” Stan remarked, pulling Mabel’s ball out of the water and handing it back to her. “The whole thing’s random anyway.”

“Besides the Bermuda Triangle, how mini-golf works is our world’s greatest mystery,” Soos added.

“Isn’t it just a matter of force and gravity acting upon the ball in a way that propels it forward as friction and curves gradually work against it?” Pearl inquired eloquently.

“Anyway,” Stan said pointedly, ignoring the white Gem as he turned to both Mabel and Connie. “As far as I’m concerned, you two are still better at this than anyone else in Gravity-”

The conman was abruptly cut off as a random ball happened to easily sink into the nearby hole, resulting in a perfect hole in one. Everyone gasped in shock at this, though their shock soon turned to disdain upon seeing who had landed this incredible shot.

“Oh, would you look at that?” Pacifica asked dryly, casually positioning her putter over her shoulder as she sent the Pines and the Gems a snide glance. “I didn’t know if was ‘hobos golf-free’ day!”

“Pacifica!” Connie growled hotly, gripping her golf club in tight anger.

“Oh come on!” Mabel huffed just as bitterly. “First the newspaper, and now this! How many other things can she ruin for me today?!”

The heiress didn’t happen overhear this as she strode over to the group confidently, her parents following not too far behind as they shared their daughter’s conceited demeanor. “Well if it isn’t the Pines family!” Pacifica remarked with faux delight as she launched an insult at each one of them. “Fat,” she pointed to Soos. “Old,” she said, nodding at Stan. “Lame,” she rolled her eyes as she got to Dipper. “And Braces!” she sneered, smirking at Mabel.

“Would it be wrong to punch a child?” Stan muttered, quite incensed as he clenched his fists.

“Maybe for you, but not for me!” Connie replied, already cracking her knuckles in anticipation.

“D-do we really have to resort to violence?” Steven asked with apt concern, though Pacifica was quick to cut in once more.

“Oh, and look who else turned up,” she raised an eyebrow as she turned to Steven, Connie, and the Gems. “Goofball, Glasses, and the Rhinestone Gems!”

“Oh, I’ll show her rhinestones!” Pearl hissed crossly, taking a step forward only for Garnet to stop her.

“Easy,” the Gem leader advised, as calm as ever until the heiress happened to throw a scathing remark her way.

“Nice pants by the way,” Pacifica mocked, pointing to Garnet’s golf pants. “They really go with that whole cringeworthy ‘stuck in the 70s’ look you’re trying to pull off and failing at”

The Gem leader’s expression darkened upon hearing this, and it was instantly clear to see she was anything but amused as her teammates looked to her expectantly. “On second thought…”

“Guys, I got this,” Dipper interjected before turning to the heiress with a smug grin. “Hey, Pacifica, how’s that whole ‘your family being frauds’ thing working out for you?”

“Great, actually!” Pacifica replied triumphantly. “That’s the thing about money. It makes problems go away!”

“Well it can’t buy you skill!” Mabel remarked. “You just walked into the game of two mini-golf champions, right Connie?”

“Right!” Connie readily agreed. “You may have gotten lucky on this hole, but we’d love to see you do half as good on any other whole here.”

“Pfft, ‘luck’ has nothing to do with it,” Pacifica scoffed before snapping her fingers. “Sergei!” At this command, a tall, lanky Russian man stepped forward, toting the heiresses’ golf clubs and other gear as he stood firmly beside her. “This is Sergei, my trainer.”

“The Sportlympics had mini-golf once,” Sergei said, his accent quite thick. “I took gold!” He pulled his shirt open a bit to reveal the large gold medal hanging from his neck, which was indeed for first place in mini-golf.

“Whoa… I wish I was good enough to get a medal in mini-golf,” Steven mused, amazed. His wonder was cut short however, as Amethyst quickly elbowed him as a reminder that they were against Pacifica in this. “Oh, uh, I mean…. I-it’s not that great.”

“Well, trainer or no trainer, Mabel and Connie could still kick your butt at mini-golf any day!” Dipper asserted, sending the heiress a harsh glare.

“Please. Don’t make me laugh,” Pacifica sneered, rolling her eyes as she moved onto the bonus hole, coldly addressing the girls on her way there. “Now, if you two don’t mind moving out of the way of the professionals…” With her usual pointed flare, the heiress stepped up to the hole and effortlessly took her swing, which landed right in the volcanic bonus hole and prompting a momentous explosion of celebration. “Enjoy sharing second place,” she remarked to Mabel and Connie, who had only watched on in severe unified frustration. “Give them a hand, folks!”

As the nearby crowd launched into a patronizing round of applause, neither of the girls were really paying them any mind. After all, they were far too incensed now after hearing Pacifica mock the skill that they were both rather proud of themselves over. “Ok, that’s it!” Connie seethed, gripping her golf club tightly. “Time to knock that dumb smirk right off her ‘perfect’ little face!”

“Yeah! Now we’re talking!” Amethyst cheered, more than ready to put her club to good use.

“Hold it, you guys,” Mabel stopped them before they could go after the heiress. “I have something else in mind… Hey, Pacifica!” she called after her rival as she began to leave. “We challenge you to a rematch!”

“Oh, good idea!” Connie exclaimed with renewed verve as she turned to Pacifica. “Let’s see you put those supposed ‘skills’ of yours to the test!”

“I don’t think either of you wanna go there with me,” Pacifica remarked, still not turning to face them. “After all, isn’t it already embarrassing enough for you being poor and mediocre? Do we really need to have some petty little contest to prove it?”

“Oh, what, are you scared?” Mabel challenged daringly, going on impulse as she launched into a barrage of insults worthy of the spoiled heiress. “You… you walking one-dimensional, bleached-blonde, valley girl stereotype!”

Upon hearing such a verbal thrashing, the entire crowd took in a collective gasp of shock. Still, no one was more surprised or more enraged at this call-out than Pacifica herself as she abruptly spun around to face Mabel and Connie, her expression beyond livid. “Like, let’s do this!” she accepted crossly, flipping her hair for extra emphasis.

Without any further prompting from either side, all three of the girls met at the center of the course, their putters in hand as they prepared to face off. However, before they could even set the rules of their competition, clouds quickly started rolling in through the previously sunny skies above, making it clear that a sporadic summer storm was in the offing. While Mabel, Connie, and Pacifica were more than willing to compete through it, the Mini-Golf King thought otherwise.

“Hear ye! Hear ye!” the course’s owner called, driving up in his gaudy golf cart, which he accidentally happened to drive right into a nearby lamp post. “Ow!” he exclaimed, bumping into the pole several more times before righting his vehicle and continuing. “Stop at once! The park is now closed due to weather! The King of Mini-Golf has spoken!” With his messaged relayed, the Mini-Golf King put his cart in reverse, only for it to ram into another pole and topple onto its side with him still in it. “Ah! The king is down!”

“This isn’t over,” Pacifica declared to her opponents. “You two, me, midnight. We’ll see who’s best!”

“Oh, you bet we will…” Connie scowled as the heiress sauntered off.

“Yeah! We’ll be here!” Mabel exclaimed with heated zeal. All too quickly, the oncoming storm began as lightning flashed in the distance and rain began to drizzle onto the course. The Northwests were more than prepared for it though as they whipped their umbrellas out in perfect unison before heading off, laughing amongst themselves over everything that had just happened as Sergei ran dutifully after them. But even so, Connie and Mabel remained firm in their stance as they watched their shared rival leave, both of them more than eager to beat her at her own game later that evening. That is, until Steven accidentally undermined their show of resolve with his usual friendliness.

“Bye, Pacifica!” he called after the heiress cheerfully. “We’ll see you tonight! It’s gonna be a ton of fun, I’m sure!” The young Gem paused in innocent confusion as he noticed the disgruntled looks that everyone, especially the girls, were giving him at this. “What?”

The Pines and the Gems had settled on waiting out the rain at the local taco joint, allowing them all to get some fast and cheap dinner before the mini-golf faceoff later that night. Well, everyone but Garnet and Pearl, at least, as Amethyst readily shoved her face with the huge load of tacos she had ordered, much to the white Gems’ absolute revulsion and the Gem leader’s usual apathy. Meanwhile, Mabel slumped against the table in something of a depression as she prompted Dipper to fed her nachos at consistent intervals. While she had been confident in her and Connie’s chances against Pacifica back at the golf course, the more she thought about it, the more she realized she wasn’t entirely sure if either of them really could beat her. After all, the heiress had an award winning-trainer on her side, and while Connie might have gone to mini-golf camp, all Mabel really had going for her was her own innate skill, which, if she was completely honest with herself, wasn’t as refined or sharpened as she wished it could be. After all, mini-golf was a fickle game of both dexterity as well as a good touch of luck. And if they ever wanted to win against adept heiress, then certainly they would need more than just a touch of that.

Still, while Mabel had mostly given up hope, Connie was doing anything but as she sat hunched over a small notebook, furiously scribbling notes down on it as Steven looked over her shoulder with apt confusion. “What are you doing?” he finally asked, unable to contain his curiosity any longer.

“Planning out our strategy,” Connie explained her pragmatic approach, still working fervently all the while. “I figure that if we map out the path and trajectory of each of our shots beforehand, then we’ll be able to anticipate any flukes and work around them beforehand. This always worked for me back at mini-golf camp, so it can’t fail now!”

“What’s the point?” Mabel spoke up with a fretful pout. “Pacifica’s got us as good as beat already. I guess it’s time to scratch mini-golf off my talents list…”

“Aw, don’t give up, Mabel!” Soos encouraged with a sympathetic smile.

“Yeah, if you guys beat Pacifica at this, then she can never rag on us again,” Dipper added reassuringly.

“And maybe you guys will get really cool mini-golf medals too!” Steven exclaimed brightly.

“I’m not in this for any medal,” Connie said, her tone rarely cold and harsh as much as it was resolved. “I’m in this because I want to finally put Pacifica in her place.”

“Sounds like as good a motivation as any,” Garnet remarked, crossing her arms.

“I agree,” Pearl nodded pointedly. “That girl is a horrid, vain, spoiled little brat, just like the rest of her family. If you ask me, she deserves far more than just being beaten in a simple game of mini-golf for those callous insults of hers.”

“More, huh?” Amethyst asked, a sly grin already crossing her face. “You know, whenever someone insults or ticks me or Stan off, there’s only one thing that always makes us feel better about it…”

“That’s right,” Stan cut in with an equally mischievous smirk. “And that thing is none other than a good, old-fashioned Revenge Trip.”

“Oh no, you two,” Pearl quickly spoke up in protest as Garnet shook her head. “I don’t care how awful that Northwest girl is! We are not about to indulge in one of your senseless romps of debauchery and depravity!”

“Aw, c’mon, P,” Amethyst groaned. “We’ll keep this lowkey and small, I promise!”

“Yeah, all we’re gonna do is scribble some graffiti on the wall of Northwest manor,” Stan shrugged apathetically. “That’s child play compared to our usual Revenge Trip fare.”

“Seriously, guys, what’s the problem with that?” Dipper asked the two dissenting Gems. “Pearl, you said so yourself: Pacifica has it a long time coming.”

“The problem is that it’s immoral and illegal!” Pearl exclaimed hotly.

“And we’re not doing it,” Garnet said firmly. “That’s final.”

Stan and Amethyst let out a shared sigh of frustrated disappointment as they both sunk in their seats a little. Fortunately though, Steven was quick to lighten with his usual optimism. “Well, I still think you guys can win!” he grinned to Mabel and Connie. “And I’m sure that if you both start thinking that for yourselves, then you really will win! It’s like magic!”

“Or just plain old positive thinking,” Dipper cut in with a small, amused smirk.

“You know what? You guys are right!” Mabel exclaimed, slamming her fist down on the table as her usual zeal returned. “We just need to get in a little more practice before midnight, and we’ll have this in the bag!”

“Oh yeah, practicing would be a great way for me to test out all these shots I have planned out…” Connie mused, looking over her complex notes.

“Go to the golf course after dark, you say?” Stan interjected with a wry grin.

“No one said-” Pearl attempted to say before Amethyst interrupted her.

“Oh man, that would be super dangerous,” the purple Gem remarked callously. “Not to mention ‘illegal’ and ‘immoral’.”

“Yeah, I mean, we’d have to break in…” Stan mused just as innocuously. “Not to mention—just kidding! Let’s break in!”

While Pearl certainly had wanted to object to the idea of sneaking into the golf course after hours, her protests were ultimately shut down as Stan and Amethyst overrode her, leading the charge with cheers of excitement as the conman’s car crashed through the course’s toll gate. As they made it to the empty parking lot, the Gems dismounted from their shared spot on top of the car to see the kids off along with Stan, while Soos kept watch in case any security happened to come by. Putting their breaking and entering skills to good use, Stan and Amethyst made easy work of the fence surrounding the course, allowing the kids easy, yet inconspicuous access inside.

“We’ll be waiting right out here for you kids when you’re done,” Pearl assured with a smile.

“Yeah, unless we actually do end up tagging Northwest Manor,” Amethyst remarked with a shrug. “Which, considering these two buzzkills we probably won’t.”

“Be careful in there, you four,” Garnet made sure to advise. “Oh, and Mabel, Connie, good luck.”

“Thanks, Garnet,” Connie nodded with a sincere smile.

“Oh, and Mabel? One more thing,” Stan spoke up, opening the sticker book his niece had just handed him to hold onto and pulling out one of the countless stickers. This one in particular had a shiny gold trophy on it, as well as the words “U Da Best” featured prominently. With a supportive smile, the conman put the sticker on Mabel’s sweater, sending her a confident wink as she returned it with a warm smile. “Knock her dead, kid.”

Mabel responded with a bold thumbs-up before heading in after Dipper, Steven, and Connie, intent on her mission of improving her skills in the short time they had left. Meanwhile, Stan and the Gems stood somewhat awkwardly outside of the fence after the kids had gone in, an awkward silence that was soon broken by Garnet, especially after she noticed the hopeful glances the conman and the purple Gem were sending her way. “We’re still not going to vandalize the mansion. No matter how many times you ask.”

“Aw…” the pair sighed, disgruntled over how their Revenge Trip ambitions for the evening were apparently not to be.

Mabel and Connie had taken no time at all breezing through the first 17 holes of the course, pretty much all of their shots resulting in effortless holes in one. Still, it was quite clear that the final hole, the windmill, was still proving to be a substantial problem for them both. This was proven once again as Mabel hit yet another ball through the windmill, only for it to end up barely missing the hole on the other side once again.

“Darn!” she shouted in apt frustration. “Poop heck darn!”

“Aw, and you were so close that time, Mabel!” Steven frowned, leaning down to measure the small increment of distance between the ball and the hole. “Only 0.2 inches away!”

“Ugh, that’s not good enough!” Mabel exclaimed with a disappointed huff. “Pacifica’s not going to be 0.2 inches away when she lands the perfect hole-in-one and beats us both while making fun of our fashion senses and proving that she’s way better than us at everything!”

“Hold on a minute, Mabel,” Connie interjected calmly as she stepped up to take her shot. “I think I finally have this one figured out…” With intent focus, she made sure to line up her shot as precisely as possible, angling her putter as she eyed the path she intended her ball to take. “Ok… 30˚ by 70 ˚…. Winds south by southwest… pull back and-” Letting out a deep, concentrated breath, Connie took her swing, watching with anticipation and hope that her well-thought out calculations would serve her well. And at first, it seemed like they would as the ball soared through the windmill, coming out the other end as it made a straight beeline for the hole. Yet in the end, it swerved to the side right at the last second, bouncing into the wall instead and ending up far from the hole. “Seriously?!” Connie asked with an aggravated scoff, putting her putter down. “Ugh, This is impossible!”

“I don’t get it,” Dipper frowned in bewilderment as he walked up to the windmill itself. “What’s wrong with this hole? It’s almost like-” He stopped short as he happened to catch onto a very faint, almost unnoticeable clanking noise coming from inside the structure. “Did you guys hear that?”

“Hear what?” Steven asked as him and the girls approached the windmill.

“Shh!” Dipper quickly cautioned, listening for the mysterious sound once more to ensure that it was indeed there. “Grab your clubs,” he whispered to the others, who were all quick to do so, seeing as how they had no idea what they were about to find. Still, the four of them advanced towards the windmill at a steady, careful pace, their clubs raised and ready for attack. After they all exchanged a round of terse nods, Dipper brazenly stepped up to the windmill, taking in a deep breath as the others raised their clubs even more before quickly pulling the structure’s back panel off. And upon seeing what it had been hiding, the kids were scarcely able to believe what they saw.

An entire city existed inside of the windmill, completely in miniature and decked out in a folksy Dutch motif. Still, the numerous tiny inhabitants of this city were even more bewildering. Also clad in traditional Dutch garb and clogs, they all appeared to be humanoid golf balls, with large, colorful dimpled heads and disproportionately petite bodies. These curious creatures worked within their small scale home merrily, though their usual activity was abruptly halted as they noticed the group of much larger kids hovering over them.

Alarmed by this intrusion, the golf ball race let out a round of terrified screams as they huddled together for safety. Likewise, the kids themselves were aptly startled by this strange discovery as they let out their own respective frightened cries, their putters still raised though they didn’t dare bring them down yet. This exchange of panicked screams continued for quite some time, until the kids collectively realized that these tiny creatures certainly couldn’t pose them any threat, prompting them all to tentatively lower their clubs.

The members of the golf ball race were quick to notice this sign of armistice as they began to calm themselves into silence, even if they remained close together just in case. “We good?” one of the petite people at the front of the group asked kids anxiously. While still incredible confused, they all nodded their assent. “All right then! Hi! Hello!” he greeted brightly. “I’m Franz, and welcome to our home!”

“What is all this?” Dipper asked, looking over the intricate mini-city with relative awe.

“Whatever it is, its adorable!” Steven quipped with a delighted smile. “Seriously, you guys are so cute!”

“Thank you, thank you,” Franz chuckled as several of the other golf ball people blushed at the compliment. “We know.”

“So, what are you guys?” Mabel asked with a frown. “Tiny humans or enormous mini-humans?”

“Neither,” Franz clarified with another laugh. “We’re the Lilliputtians! Lilli—Lilliputt—the name makes more sense written down. But anyway, we control the balls! Behold!”

At this cue, the panel on the side of the windmill flew open, revealing an incredibly complex system of levers and pullies, all of which served the purpose of moving any golf ball that went into the windmill through it. The Lilliputtians operated their machinery with skill, apt timing, and adorable cheerfulness, bright smiles on all their faces as they turned cracks, pressed buttons, and even let the ball bounce off them to help the ball along on its journey. And in the end, the ball shot cleanly out of the other side of the windmill before rolling straight into the hole as the kids all gasped in amazement.

“That’s incredible!” Mabel exclaimed with an awestruck grin.

“And so needlessly complicated,” Dipper added, bemused.

“It all makes perfect sense now!” Connie laughed, flipping through her now completely useless notes. “How could I have ever factored tiny living golf people into my equations? No wonder this hole was giving us such a hard time!”

“Yeah! I guess luck really has nothing to do with mini-golf after all,” Steven shrugged. “Instead, we can owe it all to these guys!”

“Aw shucks,” Franz gushed proudly. “This is only our life-long passion. Would you like us to elaborate through song?”

“Yes!” Steven passionately agreed, always more than happy to hear an upbeat musical number. The Lilliputtians complied as they took in a collective deep breath and prepared to sing their piece.

“Actually,” Dipper quickly interrupted. “We’re good.”

Disappointed just as much as the young Gem was, the Lilliputtians all sighed as they began to disperse, heading back to their various roles and stations within the windmill. “So what are you hugelings doing here anyway?” Franz asked the kids curiously.

“Well, we kinda have to play this mini-golf tournament against our rival, Pacifica,” Mabel explained, though she was quickly cut off before she could say anything else.

The Lilliputtians all gasped and began to mutter amongst themselves, their usually upbeat, cheerful mood souring upon hearing this. “Oh, we know all about rivals…” Franz glowered crossly.

“Put a clog in it, ya windmill-lubbers!” a bold voice called from the other side of the golf course. Startled, the kids turned to see the pirate ship hole suddenly light up, a group of Lilliputtians clad in pirate wear standing atop its deck as they sent hostile glares towards the windmill. “These frilly bottom popinjays are terrible at controllin’ the balls!” the pirate captain exclaimed, drawing his tiny sword. “We are the ball masters, says I! Argh!”

The other pirate Lilliputtians arghed in loud agreement, though their revelry was soon interrupted as the nearby Eiffel Tower lit up next, a group of French Lilliputtians clinging to it with snooty scowls. “Shut your mouths, you show-boating pirates! Everyone knows ze Eiffel Tower hole is ze best!”

“Je ne sais quio! Sacrebleu! Au revoir!” one of the other French Lilliputtians added hotly.

“Stay your comments, ye churlish Frenchmen!” a knight Lilliputtian shouted from atop the castle hole. “None control the balls better than the knights of—Wiener Castle?” he paused, glancing down at the graffiti sprayed onto the castle wall. “Who wrote this?”

“We’ll settle which hole is best!” Franz challenged brazenly as him and his fellow Dutch Lilliputtians rushed forward. “Attack!”

“Ohh, I’m shiverin’ in me timbers!” the captain Lilliputtian mocked as the other pirates began to swing off their ship. “Get them!”

“Long live the mini-king!” the Lilliputtian head knight cried as him and his breather hurried to the fray, their little blades drawn and ready.

The kids could only stand and watch in surprised confusion as the various factions of the Lilliputtians collided in a violent, miniature battle at their feet. From dueling with swords and other blunt objects, to simply fighting first to fist, the small-scale violence that was unfolding was actually quite impressive. None of the golf-ball people held back against their respective foes, landing punches and blows that did sustain real damage and giving the kids quite a bewildering spectacle to behold.

“Yikes….” Connie remarked with a concerned frown. “You know, they never told us something like this would happen back at mini-golf camp. It’s… kinda weird…”

“Are you kidding? These guys are a riot!” Dipper laughed, fully amused by the rather comedic display.

“Aw, but they shouldn’t fight!” Steven exclaimed fretfully. “They’re too cute and small and folksy to be beating each other up like this!”

While Mabel agreed with this, she couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle herself as she decided to address the Lilliputtians in the hopes of quelling their brawl. “Guys, guys! Calm down! Your fighting is inadvertently adorable!”

“Adorable we are, hugeling, but our tale less so,” Franz said, lying on the ground battered and beaten just like the his fellow Lilliputtians. “Every hole in the park thinks they’re superior, from the cowboys in the east, to the grimy miners of the south. If only there was some way to decide which side is the best with maybe, an award… or like a trophy, I dunno.”

“But Franz, look!” another Lilliputtian gasped, pointing up at Mabel’s sweater. Or more specifically, the trophy sticker attached to it.

“The sticker!” Franz exclaimed, jumping to his feet zealously. “The sticker could decide!”

“It does say ‘ze best’ on it!” one of the Frenchmen Lilliputtians proclaimed.

“Decide for us, hugeling!” the head knight Lilliputtian demanded of Mabel. “Choose which mini-kingdom to give the sticker to, and end our war!”

All of the other Lilliputtians let out a unified cheer at this idea, every faction eyeing the sticker enviously as they all wanted to have it bestowed upon them. Still, despite their unanimous excitement, there was something of a discrepancy about it among the kids.

“Uh, I don’t know, you guys…” Mabel frowned, glancing down at her sticker apprehensively. “I’m not sure if we should get involved in your weird mini blood feud.”

“And besides!” Steven interjected with a smile. “You’re all so great that it would be like, impossible to decide!”

Clearly, the Lilliputtians were anything but appeased upon hearing this as they instead sent a cold glare the young Gem’s way. “Yeah… I don’t think that’s gonna cut it for them…” Connie muttered, taking in an apprehensive breath. “In fact, I’m pretty sure only one thing will…”

“Wait, you guys!” Dipper cut in, lowering his voice down to a whisper so the still arguing Lilliputtians couldn’t hear. “This is perfect! These guys control the course. Which means-”

“Which means if we have them on our side, then they can help us win!” Connie interrupted excitedly, having the exact same idea. “Not only could they help us both get perfect scores on every hole, but they could also sabotage every single one of Pacifica’s shots! It’s brilliant!”

“And all we have to do is tell them we’ll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win!” Dipper added with a satisfied grin. “It couldn’t get any easier!”

“Mm…. I don’t know how I feel about this plan, you guys…” Steven frowned hesitantly. “I mean, I feel we’d just be taking advantage of these poor little guys if we did that…”

“Oh come on, Steven,” Connie reassured. “They said so themselves, they live for this stuff. Besides, by picking one of these groups for them, then their little war will finally end and maybe they’ll start getting along with each other.”

“Eh, I’m still not sure…” Mabel remarked just as concerned with this plan of action as Steven was. “I wanna beat Pacifica just as much as you do, Connie, but doesn’t this seem like cheating?”

“Pacifica’s rich, Mabel,” Dipper pointed out dryly. “She’s cheating at life.”

“Hm…” Mabel mused, still not entirely convinced. Still, after a little more convincing from both Dipper and Connie, Mabel and Steven both tentatively jumped on board with the idea, even if they were both somewhat anxious about doing so, largely for moral reasons. Still, they kept their worries to themselves as they came to stand before the mass crowd of Lilliputtians, who had temporarily put their feud on hold to hear what the “hugelings” had to say. “People of the eighteen holes!” Mabel called to the golf ball people after Dipper used one of their tiny trumpets to bring them to attention. “We’re gonna have a game of mini-golf! And whoever does the best job helping me and Connie win gets the sticker!”

“So work hard and try your best!” Connie added encouragingly. “You all have the same chances of winning. Of course, special bonus points will be given to the group that ends up embarrassing Pacifica the most, so keep that in mind!”

“It’ll be us, lass! Not these tulip-munchers!” the captain Lilliputtian exclaimed, sending a snide glare Franz’ way.

“I will not be insulted by a man with no depth perception wearing earrings!” the Dutch Lilliputtian seethed hotly.

“Whoa there, you guys!” Steven interjected before another mini-war could break out. “Being mean to each other is no way to get that sticker.”

“Steven’s right,” Mabel nodded firmly. “Just remember, as long as you guys are helping us, no fighting.”

The Lilliputtians’ collective demeanor quickly changed upon hearing this as they all perked up, exchanging broad, convincing smiles with both each other and the kids as a sign that they were going to behave themselves. At least, that’s what their smiles said while they crossed fingers behind their backs told of the exact opposite. But as far as the golf ball race was concerned, the kids didn’t really need to know that. After all, none of that would matter once the best among them was finally decided upon once and for all.

True to their word, Stan, Soos, and the Gems had remained in the otherwise empty parking lot to wait for the kids to return. Since the conman’s car didn’t have a great deal of space in it, the Gems had kept their place sitting on top of it, all of them quite bored as they waited in relative silence. Meanwhile, inside of the vehicle, Soos was hard at work with his scissors, snipping carefully along the dotted line he had drawn onto his tee shirt.

“Dude, I’m cutting W’s into all my shirts,” the handyman remarked to his disinterested boss. “Gotta give the public what they want.”

“Well, those kids sure are taking their time,” Stan mused, glancing out his rear-view window towards the course. “Looks like it’s gonna be a while.” The conman turned the radio onto a relaxing station as Soos took off his shirt to be able to work on its neck easier. With a laid back sigh, Stan reclined his seat back, closing his eyes to take a short nap. Still, before he could, he opened his eyes once again to see Soos, still shirtless, reclined in his seat next to him with a coy smile.

“Sure are a lot of stars out tonight…” the handyman remarked casually.

“Welp, this is getting weird,” Stan quickly concluded, instantly sitting up in his seat to get out of the awkward moment.

Meanwhile, on top of the car, the Gems were still encompassed in their ongoing silence as Garnet meditated and Pearl quietly stargazed. Amethyst, on the other hand, was nowhere near as appeased as she let out a long, exasperated groan. “Ugh, this is so boring, I could shatter!” she flopped down onto her stomach, sprawling out as much as she could considering the limited amount of space. “And to think, we could be smearing paint all over that dumb old mansion’s walls right now…”

“Amethyst, one day you’re going to learn that petty acts of vengeance get you nowhere,” Pearl said rationally.

“Oh yeah? When?” the purple Gem asked sardonically. “Cause it’s totally not today.”

Pearl let out a disgruntled sigh upon hearing this, looking to Garnet to reprimand Amethyst, though the Gem leader as completely silent as she maintained her relaxed, stoic focus. It was around this time that a long white limo pulled up not too far away from the conman’s car, one that clearly belonged to the Northwests based on its elegance and expensiveness alone. And inside of it, Pacifica’s parents were just finishing up imparting their daughter with something of a “pep talk” for her upcoming competition.

“Now just remember, Pacifica,” Preston began authoritatively. “Winning is everything.”

“Oh, and also looks,” Priscilla added as she used a small mirror to help her apply her copious lipstick. “Winning and looks.”

“Dad, relax,” Pacifica assured her father. “I’ve been practicing for like, a million hours, ok? I’ve got this. You’ll stay and watch, right?”

“Pacifica, darling,” Preston scoffed almost patronizingly. “Of course we can’t stay! We have a party to go to. We’ll just read about your victory in the paper tomorrow.”

The heiress frowned somewhat upon hearing this, but even so, she quickly shrugged the disappointment off. She was used to it by now, anyway. “Right,” she said diffidently as she got out of the car. “Sergei!” she snapped her fingers, prompting her trainer to emerge from the trunk of the limo as he grabbed her set of expensive golf clubs.

“Oh, and Pacifica?” Preston called to his daughter through the limo’s open window before she could head inside the course. “Whatever happens just remember one thing. You’re a Northwest. Don’t lose.”

Despite the relative harshness of this command, Pacifica nodded stiffly nonetheless before turning on her heel and making her way towards the course with Sergei trailing behind her. Surprisingly, she didn’t have any more insulting remarks for Stan, Soos, or the Gems as she sauntered past them, but that didn’t mean her parents didn’t.

“Oh, Priscilla, would you look at that?” Preston remarked mockingly, still peeking out the window as he dryly regraded the Gems. “The so called ‘Crystal’ Gems are so poor that they can’t even afford their own vehicle! Instead they have to be taxied around on top of the beaten down old car of some no-account carnival barker!”

“How embarrassing,” Priscilla laughed haughtily as her husband joined in.

While the Gems themselves were quite incensed upon hearing these scathing remarks, no one was more offended than Stan as he gripped the steering wheel of his car tightly. “Did… did he just insult my Diablo?!” he asked, completely appalled. The old vehicle happened to sputter a little at this juncture, prompting Stan to rub the steering wheel with tender affection. “Shh, baby, I know. Who cares what he says? He’s a rich, pompous jerk who deserves a good punch in the face.”

“Tell us about it,” Garnet muttered, her tone genuinely cross and hostile as she was finally broken out of her meditation.

“You know, it’s almost worth an ounce of pity,” Preston said to his wife, still smirking goadingly. “But instead, it’s just hilarious. I almost feel bad that our daughter has to wallow amongst such common filth for even a few hours. The sooner she wins this little competition the better.”

The wealthy couple shared another teasing laugh as the limo began to drive off, leaving the aptly enraged Gems and conman behind. Needless to say they were all infuriated, especially after hearing the Northwests indirectly insult the kids, even over them. Which was why, despite her earlier qualms, Pearl had no qualms about addressing both Stan and Amethyst with a very simple, very pointed question. “So what was that plan you two had about vandalizing their mansion again?”

“Now you’re talkin’!” Stan exclaimed with a daring grin, already throwing his car into reverse.

“Woo!” Amethyst cheered, jumping to her feet, though she fell right back into Garnet’s lap as the conman’s car lurched forward. Still, she hardly cared as she let out a rowdy laugh, one that Stan readily shared as the entire group sped off, their vengeful mission clear. “Revenge Trip! Revenge Trip! Revenge Trip!”

Pacifica strode into the mini-golf course with the upmost confidence, already completely assured over her victory before the game even began. After all, there was no way either Mabel or Connie could hope to beat her. With her well-bought and well-refined skill, the heiress knew that her triumph would only be a matter of a few easy, perfect shots.

“How much you wanna bet they’re no-shows?” Pacifica asked Sergei, only to immediately be proven wrong. The heiress and her trainer quickly spun around as an array of floor lights flashed on in quick succession, leading the way to Mabel, Connie, Dipper, and Steven as they stood already waiting to begin at the first hole.

“Hi!” Steven called, as friendly as always, though Connie was quick to shush him. “Oh, that’s right! I forgot. Serious,” he huffed, forcing his smile away and into a harsh, stoic expression instead.

“Looking for someone?” Mabel asked Pacifica with a knowing smirk.

“Waiting in the dark, not creepy at all,” the heiress rolled her eyes as she approached her rivals.

“We figured we’d get here early since we’re gonna be leaving early to celebrate once we win,” Connie retorted smoothly.

“Oh sure,” Pacifica deadpanned. “Just keep telling yourselves that. Seriously though, I don’t know why you bothered to come. Unless you’ve got something up your sleeves.”

“Oh, I guess you could say we’ve got a little something…” Mabel remarked innocently enough. Their cover was nearly blown however, as a Lilliputtian happened to poke its head out of her sweater sleeve briefly, prompting her to quickly shove it back inside before Pacifica could see. The kids all simply played it off with a nervous laugh, one that the heiress barely regarded as she checked over her nails.

“So are we gonna play mini-golf or what?” Pacifica asked, her tone already quite bored. “Because the sooner we get this over with, the sooner we won’t have to talk to each other anymore.”

“Sounds like as good of a reason as any to get started,” Dipper remarked with a sardonic smirk. Pacifica sent him an aggravated scoff upon hearing her own insult be thrown right back her, but even so, she simply shrugged it off as her, Mabel, and Connie faced off at the center of the course.

“Eighteen holes,” Sergei began, outlining the competition. “Standard rules. Winner lives in glory. Loser wallows in eternal shame. On you mark, get set… mini-golf!”

And on this command, the mini-golf match began. From the first hole alone, Mabel and Connie were able to easily tell that their deal with the Lilliputtians was going to serve them quite nicely. Pacifica’s very first shot ended up being a dud as the cowboy Lilliputtians moved the small covered wagon on the green over a bit so that it blocked the ball’s path, much to the heiress’s shock and frustration. However, the Lilliputtians were quick to oblige by shooting Mabel’s undershoot ball into the hole, and lassoing the ball that Connie shot back into it. As the group moved on, the girls made sure to show their gratitude to the cowboys with shared thumbs up, something that did not go unnoticed by the pirate Lilliputtians on the next hole. Determined to one-up the competition, they shot both of the girl’s shoots easily through the ship’s canons, blasting them both straight into the hole. Appalled by this, Pacifica took her turn, only for the pirates to shoot it right back at her, something that completely bewildered her seeing as how she knew nothing of the miniature people manipulating the entire game behind the scenes. Of course, both Mabel and Connie were reveling over the massive lead they had both gotten over Pacifica even at such an early point in the game. Neither of them cared so much about who one in the end, as long as it was one of them and not the heiress. If they could only see her eat her cold words in light of her agonizing defeat, then it would all be worth it in the end.

The next hole that the group came up to was rather simplistic, set up with a miner aesthetic and only one mere obstacle to overcome. Certainly it would be barely even a challenge for Mabel and Connie with the Lilliputtians on their side. “Heh, miner hole,” Dipper chuckled as him and Steven watched Mabel take her shot. “I wonder what cute, silly things go on down there.”

“I bet they have so much fun singing and using tiny pickaxes to move the ball around,” Steven remarked, beaming as the ball rolled into the mine entry. “I wish we could see it!”

The ball made its usual route down the chute into the mines below as two Lilliputtian miners met its cart and prepared to transport it into the shaft. However, before they could, a prospector Lilliputtian hurried to block their way in. “Stop! You can’t go in there! There’s been a gas leak! Anyone who goes in there will die!”

The miners gasped in fearful shock upon hearing this dreadful news, but their concerned whispers were soon silenced as a large, burly Lilliputtian miner broke through the crowd. “I’ll take it,” he volunteered boldly, yet stoically.

Immediately, a cry of distressed protest rung out from the observing crowd as a small Lilliputtian girl rushed forward, tears in her eyes as she embraced the much larger miner. “No! Don’t go, Big Henry! We need you!”

“Go home, Polly,” Big Henry instructed firmly, gently pushing Polly back towards the others. With a resolve of iron, Big Henry began his journey, pushing the mine cart carrying the ball into the dangerous mine as the others all watched him go in solemn, morose silence. Upon entering the mine, Big Henry was already struggling to breathe amidst the seeping toxic fumes, but even so, he kept going, determined to complete this for the honor of his people.

Of course, the group outside was completely unaware of this as they all awaited the ball to emerge on the other side of the mine. Mabel and Connie took in a shared anxious breath as Pacifica checked her watch, while Dipper and Steven exchanged a confused glance, silently wondering if something had gone wrong down below.

Yet sure enough, Big Henry trudged on steadily, growing weaker and weaker with each passing second to the point that his consciousness was quickly fading. “Come on, Big Henry!” he shouted to himself, slapping himself to stay away. “You can do this!” And sure enough, he did do it. As the miner made it to the end of the seemingly endless shaft, he struggled to push the button that would send the ball back to the surface, but he did it nonetheless, collapsing to the ground in exhaustion shortly thereafter. In his final moments, Big Henry’s eyes filled with tears as he pulled out a picture Polly had drawn for him of the two of them. The simply memento brought a small smile to the dying miner’s face, one that gradually faded as he let out a tired groan before his body went limp. Still, his death was not in vain as the ball rose up from the mine and propelled gracefully into the hole on the other side.

“What?!” Pacifica gasped in angry shock, throwing her putter in a fit of rage as Sergei skillfully caught it. “Sergei! Soda! Now!”

As soon as the heiress and her trainer were gone, Mabel wasted no time in lifting up the mine cover to reveal the anxiously awaiting Lilliputtians inside. “Ok, you guys, that was bedokulous!” she exclaimed with an overjoyed smile.

“Yeah! You guys really know how to build up some great suspense!” Steven added enthusiastically.

“We were worried there for a minute, but you guys really came through,” Connie nodded contentedly. “Great job!”

“Hey, you know what? Little high-fives for everyone!” Dipper offered, lowering his finger down to their level so each of the miners could high-five it in celebration. “Nice one! You did it! You’re the man!”

“I don’t wanna call it out early, but…” Mabel began, smiling broadly. “I think the miners might have one of these in their future!” She pointed to her sticker, which of course sent a round of triumphant cheers throughout the miners, something that the Dutch Lilliputtians were quick to catch onto.

“Are you kidding me?!” Franz exclaimed in frustration after observing this display from the windmill’s small telescope. “After everything we’ve worked for?!”

“Calm yourself, Franz,” another Lilliputtian assured. “There may be another way to win the hugelings’ favor. Knock on wood.” At this, both of them knocked on their clogs before leaping into working on their daring plan to achieve superiority.

Meanwhile, Pacifica sat on the bench near the vending machine with a bitter scowl as Sergei retrieved her a soda. She accepted it with a petulant huff, her foot tapping in frustration as she vented to her trainer. “There’s something going on, Sergei, I can feel it.”

“Maybe they have little people who control where the balls go,” Sergei suggested with a shrug.

“Hoo, we gotta get you English lessons,” Pacifica remarked, raising an eyebrow at the zaniness of that idea. “But seriously, think about it. I’m globally ranked. I’ve won countless awards! It’s ridiculous that those two nobodies are beating me!” The heiress scoffed harshly as she opened her can of soda, completely unaware of the tiny figures darting through the bushes behind her as she took a sip before coughing out its iconic pit. “Ugh, Pitt Cola! I always forget about the pit. Get me a different one, Sergei!”

The trainer went to go do so, leaving Pacifica to seethe by herself. However, she was only made aware that someone else was nearby as a small hand reached out from the shrubs and tapped her lightly on the shoulder. Confused, the heiress slightly turned, only to be tightly grabbed by multiple sets of small hands. She screamed in surprised panic as the hands yanked her into the shrubbery with a surprising amount of force, all before Sergei could make it back. When the trainer did return, he immediately dropped the soda he was holding upon noticing that the heiress had inexplicably gone missing. “This is bad.”

It had taken almost no time at all for Stan, Soos, and the Gems to gather all of the necessary supplies they would need for their miniature Revenge Trip. Armed just a sizable horde of spray paint in the trunk, they hurried to Northwest Manor, with Stan speeding the entire time and Pearl just barely able to hold her tongue about it.

Seeing as how the conman and the purple Gem were Revenge Trip masters, they took the lead in this mission. Knowing that avoiding getting caught was of the upmost importance, the had Garnet take out the nearby security cameras first, which she did skillfully so. From there, the Gem leader continued to keep watch as the vandalism began.

“So…. What exactly are we supposed to be writing with this?” Pearl asked with a confused frown.

“Anything that’ll tick those stuffy Northwests off,” Amethyst shrugged as she began scribbling the words “Rich Prudes” onto the wall.

“Think you can actually come up with something clever, Pearl?” Stan asked with a teasing smirk as he finished his first tag: “Go Northwest to Loser Town”. “Or do you need a little help from the pros?”

“Please,” the white Gem scoffed, aiming her can towards the wall. “I’m sure I can think of something scathing enough to make those Northwests-” Pearl let out a sharp gasp as she accidently sprayed a single line of paint onto the wall, dropping her can as she looked over the minimal vandalism she had done with wide eyes.

“Oh boy…” Stan sighed in slight exasperation as he exchanged a dry frown with Amethyst. “Told you she wasn’t cut out for this.”

“I-I am too cut out for it!” Pearl protested earnestly, reclaiming her can.

“Oh yeah? Then prove it!” Amethyst challenged. “Write the meanest, harshest, craziest thing you can think of on there! Go wild!”

The white Gem paused as she looked between the wall and the paint can in her hands once more as a small, brazen smirk crossed her face. “Go wild, hm?”

“How’s this, Mr. Pines?” Soos interjected as he finished graffitiing his space. Stan overlooked his work, instantly letting out another disgruntled sigh as he did so.

“You’re not supposed to write your name, Soos,” the conman pointed out, nodding to what the handyman wrote: “You dudes are mean, love Soos”. “The point is to not get caught doing this, remember?

“Oh right!” Soos exclaimed innocently, not well versed in the practice of vandalism himself. “Well, I can fix that!” With only a few more lines, the handyman “fixed” his mistake by adding the word “not” in front of his name. “Is that better?”

“Sure, Soos,” Stan said with a small, amused chuckle. “That’ll throw ‘em off, for sure.”

“Alright…. I’d say I’m… done!” Pearl proclaimed with a proud smile before stepping aside so everyone could see her work. Her tag was quite long, but even so, it was impressive, not only in how elegant the writing was, but in the white Gem’s choice of words as well: “Snobbish, self-entitled, greedy, supercilious, upper crust, corrupted, coldhearted, thoughtless, rude, arrogant elitists!”

“Whoa… P! You just thrashed them!” Amethyst gasped with a huge smile.

“You really think so?” Pearl asked. “Are you sure its not overkill?”

“Oh, it’s definitely overkill,” Garnet cut in, glancing over her shoulder at what the white Gem had written. “But in this case, it’s the best kind of overkill.”

“Seriously,” Stan agreed with a hearty laugh. “I’d love to see those Northwests try and buy their way outta this kind of embarrassment!”

The group exchanged a round of genuine laughter at this, though it was abruptly cut short as an alarm started to blare from behind the outer wall. “Aw man! We should have figured they’d have some kind of alarm rigged up!” Amethyst exclaimed with a scowl.

“W-what do we do?!” Pearl asked, startled by this sudden turn of events.

“What we always do when things start turning south!” Stan asserted as he began running for the car along with Amethyst. “Bail!”

Soos wasn’t too far behind the two of them, and while Pearl remained in stunned silence at this tactic for a moment or two, Garnet was quick to help her wits return to her. “You heard him. It’s time to bail.”

“R-right…” the white Gem said with relative uncertainty, but even so, she hurried along, hopping on top of the conman’s car along with her teammates. As they always did after every successful Revenge Trip, Stan turned the car radio up all the way as Amethyst let her hair blow wild and free in the whipping breeze. Caught up in this spirit of revelry, Soos took the shirt he had been working on turning into another W-neck off and let it hang out the window, while Garnet reclined casually atop the roof with a satisfied smile. Pearl was the last to join in on the fun, but when she did, it was in the form of a burst of laughter she was scarcely able to contain, one that the others were all quick to catch. In no time at all, the entire car was rattling with their shared joyous chuckles as they rode off into the night, their success secured, even if it was a small one. Still, for all of them, it certainly felt momentous.

Since Pacifica was taking quite a bit of time in returning to the game, the kids decided to work on tallying up everyone’s scores in the meantime. Not that they really needed to of course; after all, it was beyond clear that Mabel and Connie, as tied as their scores were, were going to completely trump Pacifica, no contest. As long as things continued the way they were going, then in just a few more holes, that sweet victory would finally be sealed.

“Oh man, it’s gonna be so great once we beat Pacifica,” Connie said with a vindictive smile, casually balancing her putter atop her hand for fun. “After all the times she’s insulted us and made us miserable, it’s about time she sees what that misery is like for herself.”

“I know, right?” Dipper asked with an eager grin. “I can’t wait to see the look on her face when we win. I’m thinking it’ll be like: ‘ugh!’” At this, he twisted his expression into a disgruntled scowl, one that was befitting of the heiress herself. “You know how she does that? ‘Ugh!’”

“Oh my gosh, that’s totally what she does!” Connie laughed, though the levity was soon interrupted by Steven.

“Uh, you guys? I still don’t know if what we’re doing here is… ok,” the young Gem said with a concerned frown. “I mean, it’s great that we’re winning, but can we really even call it winning if the mini-golf guys are doing all the work for us?”

“Don’t worry about that, Steven,” Dipper reassured with a wave of his hand. “After all, Pacifica doesn’t know about all this, so it’s not like it really matters in the grand scheme of things.”

“Dipper’s right,” Connie nodded. “Besides, winning is still winning, no matter how you look at it. So what if we needed a little help to get this far? Pacifica has a personal trainer helping her out. So really, what we’re doing is just a matter of evening the playing field.”

“Don’t you mean the putting green?” Mabel cut in with a small, joking smirk.

“Oh! I see what you did there!”

The kids shared a laugh over this, though it soon fizzled out as Mabel glanced down somewhat anxiously. “Guys? Is it bad that I feel good about Pacifica feeling bad?”

“Just enjoy your victory, Mabel,” Dipper encouraged, wrapping an arm around his sister’s shoulder. “Trust me; Pacifica will be fine.”

No sooner had he finished saying this however, then the conversation was curtailed as a rather familiar scream rang through the golf course. Startled, the kids all turned towards its source at the windmill, only to find Pacifica tightly tied up on the ground in front of it, courtesy of the Dutch Lilliputtians who stood guard over her. “What’s going on here!?” she exclaimed, struggling to break free from her bonds. “Let me go, you little creeps!”

The kids all let out a shared gasp of shock at this surprising turn of events, but even so, the Lilliputtians hardly noticed their alarm as Franz stepped up to them with a blithe smile. “Welcome, kids! Welcome!” he greeted cheerfully, as though him and his brethren weren’t holding the heiress hostage. “I can tell you’re loving this, right? Right?”

“What are you guys doing?!” Mabel asked with apt concern.

“Why did you tie Pacifica up?” Steven questioned, rather confused. “You know we can’t really finish the game without her, right?”

“Well, we could,” Connie noted with a shrug. “It just means she’d forfeit. Which would make things a lot easier, actually.”

“Like I’d ever do that!” Pacifica scoffed, still as haughty as ever, despite the apparent peril she was in.

“Still,” Dipper cut in adamantly. “This wasn’t part of the deal, tiny Dutchman!”

“Ok, but get this,” Franz attempted to appeal. “We saw you were favoring the minors, so we figured, what’s better than beating Pacifica? Killing her! Am I right?”

“As if!” the heiress exclaimed hotly, still trying to get free from the tight ropes wrapped around her. “I’m calling my parents. Where’s my phone?” Pacifica glanced over as much as she could to see that the Lilliputtians had managed to snatch her phone away and were in the process of texting insults to her friends on it. “Hey! Hey!”

“So how about it now, Hugelings?” Franz asked the kids with a confident smile. “Who’s ‘da best’ now?”

“Not so fast, land lubbers!” the pirate captain Lilliputtian interrupted from the ship before the kids could even hope to interact. However, as they turned towards the pirate group, the let out another unified gasp upon seeing that they had kidnapped Sergei and had likewise tied him up as they forced him to stand at the edge of the plank. “If yer going to play dirty, so are we. Now give us the sticker or he walks the plank!”

“No! Give us ze sticker!” the French Lilliputtians protested.

“The miners!” said group of Lilliputtians ran up frantically. “Give it to the miners!”

By now, every faction of Lilliputtians had worked themselves up into a heated frenzy, all of them clamoring for the exact same thing: the sticker and the honor it would bestow upon whoever received it. The kids looked to each other with growing dread as this conflict started showing signs of violent once more, all four of them knowing that the pressure was on to finally make a decision between them. However, in the end Mabel was the one to break through the rumble of angry shouts and threats.

“Enough!” she exclaimed boldly, catching the attention of every single Lilliputtian as their fighting came to an abrupt halt. “You know what? No one gets the sticker!”

An immediate ripple of disappointment filtered through the crowd of golf ball people, though a single French Lilliputtian shared their common sentiment quite nicely. “Sacre boo!” He shouted as all of the others were quick to join in on the disgruntled jeer.

“No, no boing!” Mabel shook her head as she took the sticker off her sweater and held it high out of their reach. “No one gets the sticker because you’re all being jerks!”

“Why can’t you all just try getting along?” Steven asked with a pleading grin. His suggestion, however, was very quickly shot down.

“Because we hate each other!”

“That’s kind of how rivalries work.”

“Well maybe… maybe rivalries are dumb!” Mabel proclaimed, a hint of realization entering her tone, especially as she happened to steal a glance over at Pacifica. “Maybe you don’t settle them with petty competitions. Maybe the only way to be ‘da best’ is by ending the fighting and working together!” With her point clearly made, she promptly crumbled the sticker up before shoving it into her mouth and swallowing it whole in clear view of all of the shocked Lilliputtians. Appalled as they were by the loss of their prize, however, they somehow didn’t go into an all out riot. At least not at first.

“It’s all so clear…” one of the Dutch Lilliputtians mused thoughtfully.

“If we work together…” Franz trailed off before the pirate captain picked it up.

“Then we can cut open her belly and get the sticker!” he shouted, holding his small sword aloft. All of the other Lilliputtians let out a unified cheer at this violent plan, their hatred towards each other dissolved as it had found a new target instead.

“W-well this definitely took an unexpected turn!” Connie exclaimed fearfully as her and the others all backed away from the charging Lilliputtians.

“Uh, you guys really aren’t appreciating the lesson here!” Mabel tried to appeal to them once more, only for them to continue their aggressive pursuit. This unfolding chaos was soon broken through though, as Pacifica let out another frightened scream. Apparently, the Dutch Lilliputtians had pulled a lever that worked to push the conveyor belt the heiress was tired to towards the windmill. To make matters worse, the windmill blades were whirling at a deadly speed, putting Pacifica in even more peril that she was already in.

“We gotta get out of here!” Dipper urged, just as ready to flee as Connie and Steven both were.

“We have to save Pacifica first!” Mabel protested earnestly, nodding the heiress’s way.

“Ok, but think about it,” Connie interjected, not as ready and willing to let Pacifica’s past cruelty go as easily as Mabel apparently was. “Do we really have to save her?”

“Yes!” Mabel exclaimed as though it were obvious as she grabbed Connie’s wrist to pull her along. “Come on!”

As the girls raced off, the boys were more than set to provide them with backup, though before they could, they were halted by Sergei’s fearful cry as he started teetering off of the pirate ship’s plank and towards the pond below. “Ah! Mister Dipper! Mister Steven! Niet! Niet!”

“Don’t freak out, man!” Dipper advised. “The water’s shallow! There’s literally no way you could drown.” Of course, no more than a second later, the trainer finally did fall into the pond, and face first at that as he immediately started to take in water. “Seriously?” Dipper asked with disgruntled disbelief.

“We should probably save him,” Steven noted, already hurrying to go do so.

“Right…” Dipper agreed, following not too far behind.

Meanwhile, the girls made good use of their respective athletic skills as they managed to push their way through the clamoring crowd of Lilliputtians. Connie made sure to clear them a path by knocking several of the golf ball creatures aside with her putter as Mabel started scaling a nearby lamp post to get on higher ground. Connie was quick to follow her up, and after making sure that the Lilliputtians could not follow them, both girls used the hanging string of lights above to swing their way towards the windmill, all while narrowly avoiding the tiny pencils the golf ball people were lobbing towards them the entire time. Upon making it to the windmill mound, Mabel got to work on untying Pacifica as Connie stood guard, swinging any Lilliputtian that got too close for comfort away.

“Ugh, took you long enough,” the heiress complained as Mabel started undoing the knotted ropes. “And watch the earrings. They’re worth more than your house.”

“You know, I kinda figured this was a bad idea,” Connie mused dryly after having knocking away another Lilliputtian. “And it’s looking like I was kinda right about that.”

“Yeah… pretty much,” Mabel agreed, pulling her hands away as she gave Pacifica a critical frown. “Maybe we just won’t untie you then.”

“No! Untie me! Untie me!” Pacifica demanded frantically.

“That’s what we thought,” Mabel smirked as she finished losing the ropes. Finally free, the heiress quickly scrambled to stand, though the girls hardly had a moment to breathe easy as Connie found herself pushed back by the sheer number of Lilliputtians crowded around the windmill.

“We have you at miniature pencil point!” the pirate captain growled, holding said mini-pencil up threateningly. “There’s no way around us!”

At this integral juncture, instead of worrying for their chances, all three of the girls exchanged almost amicable, yet certainly confident smirks. Sure, Mabel was much more content to work together with Pacifica than Connie was, but still, none of that mattered now as they prepared to face off against their tiny foes. “You guys ready to putt?” Mabel asked daringly.

“Always ready,” Connie nodded, her expression serious as she drew her putter back like a sword.

“Way ahead of you,” Pacifica added, reclaiming her club as Mabel handed it to her.

Without any further ado, the girls began their decisive strike. Not paying much mind to aim or accuracy, all three of them stood back to back as they started whacking any Lilliputtian their clubs managed to make contact with. Despite the danger they were in, it was admittedly exhilarating for three mini-golf masters such as themselves to be using their skills for something this intense.

“You know,” Pacifica called to Mabel and Connie amidst their barrage of swings. “You two actually aren’t that terrible. A little rusty, but-”

“Shut up and putt!” Mabel shouted, too caught up in the moment to care about such sentiments now. Pacifica did so, sending just as many Lilliputtians flying as Mabel and Connie were. As fast as they were swinging, they were succeeding in thinning through the golf ball race’s massive numbers, to the point that sure enough, they had cleared all of the immediate ones away. And just in time too, as Dipper and Steven soon pulled up in the course’s golf cart, with the rescued Sergei in tow.

“Get on!” Dipper exclaimed to the girls urgently, knowing that more Lilliputtians were hot on their tail.

“Where did you guys find a golf cart?” Connie asked, somewhat bewildered as her, Mabel, and Pacifica climbed aboard.

“Well, Dipper says we’re just borrowing it,” Steven began with a fretful frown. “But considering all of the other iffy things we’ve done tonight, I’m pretty sure we’re just gonna end up stealing it.”

“Steal, borrow, same thing,” Dipper shrugged, unconcerned.

“Who cares?!” Mabel cut in as she spotted a crowd of Lilliputtians charging for them. “Just gun it!”

Dipper did just that, flooring the cart’s gas pedal as the vehicle lurched forward. The others all hung on for dear life as the cart swerved past the obstacles and traps the Lilliputtians had put in their way, including a row of axes that they only narrowly sped past. On their way towards the exit, they were forced into a loop-de-loop obstacle on one of the holes, something that the kids were all able to hold onto for, though Sergei unfortunately right off the back of the cart.

“Sergei overboard!” the trainer cried as the kids zoomed on without him.

“I’ll get a new one,” Pacifica concluded, knowing it would be far too risky to go back for him now.

Still, as they finally made a beeline for the gate, it was clear that the Lilliputtians weren’t about to give up their sought-after sticker that easily. Pooling their numbers and efforts together, the golf ball people piled on top of each other, giving them enough height and strength to start pushing the course’s gates closed in the hopes of barring any form of escape.

“U-uh oh! They’re not gonna let us leave!” Steven exclaimed fearfully.

“Well we can’t just stop now!” Dipper argued, not slowing the cart down at all.

“Don’t worry! We’ve got this!” Connie assured, exchanging a determined nod with Mabel. Not wasting a beat, both girls quickly climbed onto the roof, clubs in hand as they prepared to fend this final obstacle off. However, before they could, they were suddenly stopped by a voice from behind.

“Don’t even think about it,” Franz said coldly, prompting both girls to turn around and look down at him. “You two call yourselves golfers? Without us, that club is useless in your hands!”

“Oh yeah?” Mabel asked with a challenging grin. “Then what’s ten minus six?”

“Ten minus-” Franz paused, caught off guard by this question as he began counting on his fingers. “Wait… hang on…”

“Fore!” both girls shouted in bold unison, swinging their clubs together in perfect timing. Their shot rang true, striking Franz hard and sending him flying right into the nearby bonus hole. The hole’s decorative volcano erupted vibrantly as the golf cart sped up it, giving the vehicle just the speed boost it needed to sail over the last crowd of Lilliputtians and through the nearly shut gates just before they closed. The cart came to a skidding halt in the parking lot, mere seconds after Stan, Soos, and the Gems pulled up, having just narrowly returned from their impromptu Revenge Trip. Considering the fact that the kids had escaped them, the Lilliputtians were quite enraged as they threw mini-pencils and even a spare ax over the fence, sending threats at the group the entire time.

“And stay out, you dumb hugelings!” Franz shouted harshly from the other side of the gate.

“What did you say, you little trolls?” Pacifica asked hotly, getting out of the cart and storming over to the fence. “I will sue you!” She slammed her fist into the gate, an outraged scowl on her face. “I will sue you and I will own you!”

“Yeesh,” Dipper remarked dryly to the others upon seeing this petty outburst. “I feel sorry for whatever poor sap ends up dating her in the future.”

While they were still sitting atop the conman’s car, the Gems, Garnet in particular, happened to overhear this comment, and for whatever reason, it elicited an amused chuckle from the Gem leader. “What’s so funny?” Pearl asked with a confused frown.

“You’ll get it eventually,” Garnet smirked, letting out another small laugh as she adjusted her shades.

“You four!” Pacifica scowled crossly as she spun around to face the rest of the group. “I don’t know what you did or what’s going on, but if you think just because you saved my life, I’d-”

The heiress was cut off, her unfinished rant left hanging as she noticed the sticker Mabel was handing her, one that featured a cat and read “I a-paw-logize”. “I’m sorry, Pacifica…” Mabel frowned with genuine remorse. “We shouldn’t have cheated. You totally would have beaten us, fair and square, right Connie?”

“No,” Connie said coldly, only to change her stance upon receiving disapproving looks from both Mabel and Steven. And while she did put forth something of an effort to be amicable, it was clear that she still harbored a good bit of resentment for the heiress, even after everything they had been through. “I mean…. Yeah, maybe,” she paused for a moment, lowering her voice down to a mutter for her next statement. “If you got lucky or something.”

Pacifica’s glower deepened a little upon hearing this, but she actually decided not to fire any glaring retorts back this time as she instead but the sticker on her top. “Whatever,” she remarked with her usual haughty air. “You’re just lucky this sticker looks fantastic on me.”

“Hey, kids!” Stan shouted somewhat impatiently from the car. “Are we heading home or not? Cause I’d rather do that sooner than later if we are!”

“Yeah, especially if any cops are on our tails…” Amethyst whispered discreetly, though Pearl let out an alarmed gasp at this.

“C-cops?!” she asked, looking to Garnet worriedly. “We’re not going to get arrested for that t-tiny bit of vandalism, are we?”

“Mmm… probably not,” the Gem leader replied with a shrug.

Without needing much further prompting, Steven, Dipper, and Connie all made their way towards the car, climbing into the back. Mabel, however, hesitated for a brief moment before she got in, especially as she looked back to Pacifica, who was still standing near the gates of the park, glaringly alone. Conflicted, Mabel looked to the others, taking note of the fact that Steven gave her a small, supportive smile while both Dipper and Connie were shaking their heads in disapproval over the idea they both knew she had. Still, that really didn’t stop her from going through with it anyway.

“Hey!” she called to Pacifica. “Your parents aren’t here yet. Want a ride home?”

“Ugh, please,” the heiress quickly rejected with a bitter scoff. “As if I’d ever ride in your-” She was quickly interrupted, however, but an abrupt burst of thunder, followed by a flash of lightning in the skies overhead. Knowing that she really didn’t have any other options, Pacifica let out a sigh of defeat as she trudged towards the car, somehow managing to squeeze into the back (albeit uncomfortably so) along with the other four kids. While Stan’s car was far beyond its safe carrying capacity, especially with the Gems still riding on the roof, the conman hardly cared as he began to drive away from the golf course. Instead, him and Soos sang a short little ditty about driving while the car careened down the road, while on the roof, the noise of Amethyst and Pearl arguing about something could be heard even from inside. For a while, all five of the kids sat in relative silence, with Dipper and Connie still feeling quite petulant over the fact that they had even allowed Pacifica to hitch a ride with them while Steven and Mabel were in their usual high spirits. The heiress herself couldn’t have been more uncomfortable as she was pressed tightly between the twins, her gloved hand resting on an unknown sticky spot and her hair already far too frazzled for her liking.

“Hey! I found two tacos!” Mabel exclaimed with a huge grin, pulling out the snacks from the back window before taking a bite out of one of them.

“Oh, I was wondering where Amethyst put those!” Steven chuckled mirthfully. “I’m sure she won’t mind if you eat them though, Mabel. She has like, a whole secret stash of them back at the temple!”

“Great!” Mabel exclaimed, her mouth full. All the while, Pacifica could only stare at her in complete awe, as if she was unable to really comprehend what was happening at all.

“You’re allowed to eat in the car?” she finally asked Mabel, her jaw still dropped in shock.

“Yeah!” Mabel nodded brightly. “The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! Want one?” she asked, holding her spare taco out to the heiress.

“Oh, I’m not supposed to take handouts,” Pacifica quickly shook her head, only to hear Connie and Dipper both let out a shared snicker beside her. “And what exactly is so funny?” she asked them with an unimpressed glare.

“This isn’t a handout, Pacifica,” Mabel interjected with an amused grin. “It’s called sharing!”

“Sha-sharrring?” Pacifica asked, the word completely foreign on her tongue.

“Figures she wouldn’t even know what sharing is,” Connie muttered to Dipper, eliciting another small chuckle from them both.

“Sharing is when you give things to other people without asking for anything in return,” Steven explained with a patient smile. “It’s a really nice thing that friends do to show each other that they care!”

The heiress gave him a totally confounded look upon hearing this, several of the words and concepts he had used totally new to her. “Ok, now you’ve lost me.”

“You know what? Just take it,” Mabel laughed, handing the taco to her. Pacifica hesitantly took it, though she didn’t exactly eat it right away as she instead simply stared at it in muted confusion. On display all around her was a lifestyle that she had never really seen close up before. A lifestyle where one could eat what her parents would certainly deem as “peasant” food while in the car. Where people gave things to each other without thinking of money or favors that could be gained from it. Where the adults in charge consisted of morally ambiguous conmen, somewhat dim-witted handymen, and bizarre, yet supportive magical women. Where wealth, power, and appearances hardly mattered at all, and were instead replaced with fun, warmth, and freedom. And as much as it completely bewildered Pacifica, to the point that she could scarcely even wrap her head around it, she couldn’t deny that there was almost a strange kind of… comfort to it all. A comfort that she would certainly never let herself indulge in willingly. But still, a comfort nonetheless.

And yet, all too soon it was over. The car soon pulled up to the gates of Northwest Manor, Stan and the Gems all wearing proud, knowing smirks as the kids turned to take in their handiwork on the walls. Pacifica let out an appalled gasp as she saw all of the various insults graffitied onto her mansion’s outer gate, but even so, the vandals responsible for it played it quite cool all the while.

“W-who did this?!” the heiress asked hotly, quickly getting out of the car.

“Good question,” Garnet shrugged casually from atop the roof.

“Well whoever it was, it certainly wasn’t us-” Pearl’s innocent statement was quickly interrupted by an elbowing and a shush from Amethyst.

“Hey, maybe it was one of your hundreds of servants,” Stan remarked to Pacifica with a broad grin. “You should fire him and send him down to the Mystery Shack. I can use someone to massage my bunions.”

Pacifica simply let out a frustrated growl as the conman and the purple Gem let out a laugh at her expense, but somehow, she managed to push her anger away and turn on her heel to head inside. “Thanks for the ride, or whatever,” she remarked flippantly, though she did pause for just a moment. “Oh, and Mabel? Um, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… I had fun.” She smiled briefly, one that was actually genuine in contrast to her usual sardonic smirks, before she continued to the gates. “Oh, and tell your servant I like his W-neck!”

“Yes!” Soos cheered before the flap of his W-neck fell down once again.

“I can’t believe you guys graffitied her mansion,” Connie remarked to Stan and the Gems with an amazed smile. “That’s so awesome!”

“Eh, it was just a usual Revenge Trip,” Stan shrugged, even though he was still grinning. “Nothing special.”

“Whoa, Pearl, did you write that one?” Steven asked, pointing to the long insult written in the white Gem’s usual curly handwriting. “Because even if it is kinda mean, it looks really cool!”

“Why, yes, Steven,” Pearl crossed her arms, grinning in proud satisfaction. “I did write that! And I’d do it again too!”

“Whoa there, rebel,” Amethyst chuckled. “Might wanna calm it down there a bit. Don’t wanna spend all your excitement on your first Revenge Trip.”

“F-first?!” Pearl asked in sudden alarm, suddenly troubled at the thought of going on another morally ambiguous escapade like this again.

“So are you and Pacifica like, cool now?” Dipper asked Mabel with a confused frown as they watched her approach the mansion gates.

“I think we made some progress,” Mabel nodded confidently. “The important thing to remember is that at the end of the day, she’s just an ordinary kid like us.”

She was quickly proven wrong, of course, as the manor gates swung open to reveal the lavish Northwest mansion standing safely behind them, its massive structure and scope far more impressive up close than they were at a distance. Of course, the elegance was only heightened by the beautiful fountains dotting its lawn, as well as the graceful peacocks meandering about it. As if to hail the heiress’s return home, a round of blaring fireworks went off as she stepped through the gates, spelling out the words “Congratulations, Pacifica!” in the night sky. For a moment, the kids could only stare in shared awe at all this pomp and circumstance that Pacifica certainly got to enjoy on a daily basis, until they all quickly regathered their wits about them.

“Honestly, I’m not even surprised,” Connie concluded with a tired sigh, resting back in her seat as she crossed her arms.

“Wow… look at all those peacocks!” Steven exclaimed in amazement. “I wonder if they all have cute little names!”

“You should have charged her for that taco,” Dipper said to Mabel, who really couldn’t argue with him on that point.

“Agreed!”

“Hey, you got any more of those surprise tacos?” Soos asked from up front as the car began to pull away.

“Wait, surprise tacos?” Amethyst asked with a sudden frown. “Hey! My car stash!” She pouted in faux anger for a moment before breaking into a devious smirk. “Well since you guys are gonna eat all my tacos, I guess we’re just gonna have to take a trip through tumble tunnel!” Shapeshifting her arms wide, the purple Gem grabbed the sides of the car and began to shake it around as it drove down the road. The kids all laughed in amusement as they bumped against each other in the backseat, and Stan couldn’t help but join in, even if he was still trying to remain on the road for as much as Amethyst was rocking the car.

“A-Amethyst!” Pearl exclaimed, struggling to hold onto the roof. “Stop that this-”

The white Gem was abruptly cut off as Garnet placed a hand on her shoulder, sending her a coy smile as she shook her head and silently commanded her to enjoy the fun. And while Pearl’s first instinct was to protest this, she soon did, letting out a small chuckle and adding to the chorus of laugher rocking the car just as much as Amethyst was as it rolled down the road towards the rising sun.

Still, what no one was aware of as they headed home was that they had a tiny stowaway clinging to the car’s license plate, hiding just out of everyone’s view. “Laugh now, hugelings…” Franz muttered with a cold, calculating smirk. “But Franz will have his day! Franz will-” His vengeful musings were cut short as Amethyst’s rocking resulted in the car jolting violently as it went over a pothole. Unable to hold onto the license plate, Franz fell off and ultimately ended rolling into a ­shallow pit on the side of the road, unfortunately landing upside down. “Ah! Help!” he cried, squirming desperately in a futile attempt to right himself. “Sand trap! Ow! Somebody help me!”

 Next: 

[badgerslick]

Jeeves Peeves - Nocturnal Emissions (Part 22)

The greatest TV golf teacher is retiring. I enjoy watching the game, but there's no such thing as mastering the game. It's just too damn hard. Vicoint 'Tink' Beauregard is a Golf Channel legend. His show has been on for twenty plus years. I personally don't watch it. Think it's boring as hell. I can guarantee this interview will be more entertaining. Jeeves:  What got you interested in the game? Tink:  My earliest childhood memory was my dad beating me with a 5 iron. He caught me         smoking in his car. Jeeves:  How old were you?   Tink:  Seven. Jeeves: Good god that's young. Tink:  Not really. Me and my friends started at five. Jeeves:  Why was the club at your house?   Tink:  My uncle Dink used to play. When he died dad ended up with his clubs. Jeeves:  So that club started your interest in the game?   Tink:  Yeah. I started hiding it from dad. Started hitting rocks          with it. Got pretty good. Jeeves:  What did your dad do, the club missing?     Tink:  Used another club. Jeeves:  Sounds like a terrible man. Tink:  I got even. Moved out when I was  twelve. Took the clubs. Lived with grandma Hink. Jeeves:  Got even?   Tink:  I was always good with little throwaway objects. Which as you know is the basis for my         show. Anyway, I set traps for him, every room. Badger trap in his bed. Kitchen knives on         a bungee cord for his feet. Bowling ball on a string, top of the stairs. Glue in his         toothpaste tube. Itching powder in his shoes, socks, pants pockets, wallet, shirts, hat.         He was glad I left. Jeeves:  What about your mother?   Tink:  Long gone. Married a golf pro in Florida. Took awhile but she got me over the pond. Her         husband Rink taught me how to play. When he got crippled I became club pro. Jeeves:  Crippled? Tink:  Had a favorite ball. Shot it into the weeds.  This is Florida, don't go in the weeds ever!            Alligator waitin' for him. Tore up his legs pretty bad. Escaped by putting his golf club in          it's mouth like a car jack. Got the golf ball out, was stuck between two teeth. Jeeves:  I don't know what......Okay......Did you like the golf pro job? Tink:  Loved it. Didn't have to play. Practice.  Now that I'm retiring I can say......I hate the game! Jeeves:  You......Explain. Tink:  No one can ever master it. You take any pro on a par 3. Have him hit 10 balls. They will         never land in the exact same place. Jeeves:  So you became a teacher to avoid playing?   Tink:  Exactly. The beauty of the job is telling everybody to adjust their swing. Turn their body,         move their feet, arms, hands a little. That's it. Psychologically, after the lesson they go out         and play better. After a few rounds they come back for more swing adjustments. Steady,         good money for the pros. Never stops. Jeeves:  Tell me how the show started. Tink:  Had a big tournament here.  Film crews everywhere.  Nicklaus is havin' problems on the         putting green. Can't sink a ball. I'm over at the lunch counter, laughing at him. He comes         over, all pissed. Says,'Okay genius, show me how t' putt'. Jeeves:  And?   Tink:  Throwaway objects!  Got a mop handle, a shot glass and a spoon. Had him put the spoon          in his mouth while he hit balls alongside the handle into the shot glass which was on its          side. He ended up winning the tournament. Golf Channel came knockin' and here I am. Jeeves:  I'm curious. How did the spoon in his mouth help him putt?   Tink:  It didn't. Just messin' with him. Still practices with a spoon in his mouth. Jeeves:  Do you play at all?   Tink:  No, the reality screens are for the show guests. My problem is practicing. Cant stand it.          Have you ever seen me swing on the show?   Jeeves:  No, but you make it interesting with all the household items you use for props. Tink:  Let me play you an example of a typical segment. Here's Yink Hing, a pro on the woman's          tour. She was here for her short irons. Remember, my methods may be harsh, but I get          results. Yink:  Why you put vice grip on nose? Tink:  Every time you make a bad shot, I tighten it. Shouldn't cause permanent damage to your         nose. I put cotton between the metal and your skin. Yink:  Owww... Tink:  Bad shot. Focus. Yink:  Owww... Tink:  Concentrate, damnit!   Yink:  Owww... Tink:  Don't make me get out my modified toaster. Tink:  Activating! Yink:  Yeeee......! Cannot continue. Tink:  There, much better. How do you turn this thing... Yink:  Yeee...Owww... Tink:  ...off. Tink:  If you want it bad enough, you'll be back. Yink:  Take vice grip off nose. Take toes out toaster. Not want!   Jeeves:  Not much of a positive result. Tink:  She won a few tournaments. Said she owed it to my tutoring. Another success story. Jeeves:  Did she come back? Tink:  Naw, most of 'em don't......don't have the 'drive'.                                         Emissionsally............Jeeves

[erindatesla]

Flashback Friday: You Are A Modern Woman

December 06, 2013

Picture a guy who thinks he's Matthew McConaughey's long-lost twin brother, idolizes Gaston from Beauty & The Beast and preys on women as though he's Christian Grey: perfect, you've got our antagonist.

Background

I met Tim on OKCupid in 2011. I liked him while we messaged because he seemed driven, intellectual and caring. We had a lot to email about, so we began talking on the phone.

That's when he told me he knew me better than I knew myself. I wasn't to tell anyone, but Tim was part of an underground society that roots back to our Founding Fathers (or something) and helps men meet women. NO, this is NOT about getting laid, he said, it's about finding true love. And, it's top secret. He followed up with an email with the subject line "You are a modern woman. :)" Inside was a profile about me, The Modern Woman, and how to approach and handle me. Some excerpts:

The Modern Woman is a cool chick. She is independent, probably has a good job or has ambitious goals, and she takes dating with a grain of salt. She is not cynical, and she enjoys men, but she doesn't get too serious unless she feels there’s a reason to. Essentially, she has a very healthy, real-world approach to dealing with men.

How She Gets What She Wants: If she is single and horny, she will put herself out there. She will dress sexy, go out with the girls, and put herself into a position to be approached.

It’s not hard to approach this type of woman because she likes meeting men! You may at times meet one that is in a bad mood or simply not interested for whatever reason. That’s ok, there are plenty more out there.

Try to keep your touch as a reward for her personality. This is about timing. If she says something funny or interesting, show that she has impressed you by touching her arm or back.

Because I'm insane, I agreed to a first date.

Faux Pas #1 -- First Date

We met at Cheesecake Factory for wine and dessert, which felt very grown up as one of the first real dates I'd been on post-grad. He was cute, minus his slicked back hair, curls desperately trying to break free of gel. I had a nice enough time, way too caught up in the idea of a good date than the reality of the bad one I was a part of that night. Some real things he said that night:

BROTHA FROM ANOTHA MOTHA.

I love Matthew McConaughey, don't you think I look just like him?

I don't want to intimidate you or anything, but if I walked back onto the campus of my high school everyone there would know who I was.

No, no -- I'll pay, but how about this? You can treat us to a movie!

We caravanned to the nearest movie theater because I don't know how to say NO THANKS, and saw The Ides of March. There's a part where two characters are having sex and they start laughing, and it was in this moment when Tim, a total movie-talker, leaned over, grabbed my hand and said, "Humor is so important during intercourse."

Real.

Sloppy Second Date

I agreed to a second date because persistence, and he told me to bring closed toed shoes and a competitive spirit. I told him that I hate sports and competition gives me anxiety, to which he replied, "It will be fun!"

We met at Yard House (Vegetarian Buffalo Wings - Hallelujah!) for our second date, which was more like an interview. Real questions he asked me, along with his answers:

Who is your hero? His hero is Matthew McConaughey because "he gets to walk around set all day with his shirt off talking to women, plus I look like him."

Who is your favorite Disney character? I guessed his was Gaston, and I was right. We argued about Gaston's morals and intentions. I quoted a lyric from the movie, "she's the most beautiful girl in town, and that makes her the best, don't I deserve the best?" He felt that Gaston was insecure and wants to prove his strength by rescuing Belle.

Part 2 of the date 2, the surprise that required closed toed shoes and a competitive spirit, was the driving range. Translation: an excuse to hold my hips as he guided my swing. I TRIED to be a good date, fun and flirty and say when I said things like, "oh no that was terrible, maybe next time I'll be better!" But this guy was so serious he just grabbed my face, pulled me close, looked me in the eyes and said, "NOTHING MATTERS SO LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER."

It's important to know that I was wearing glasses that night, and he was wearing golfing goggles because THOSE ARE A THING APPARENTLY. We walked to our cars and I tried to get in mine swiftly as he put his clubs in his car, but I was too slow and before I knew it he was PICKING ME UP, PUSHING ME AGAINST MY CAR and KISSING ME. I was not kissing back, which resulted in him basically licking my face, mostly my chin. Our lenses clicked and fogged up. I shimmied down to escape his grip and slid into my car with a quick, "Night!"

I wiped my face of his spit and hoped to never speak again.

It's not over: 50 Shades of Grey Cameo

He continued to text me intermittently as if we were old pals who were overdue a visit. "Hey Erin, long time no talk! How's it goin?" NOPE.

One day, at the height of the 50 Shades of Grey rage, I was perusing OKCupid and saw a profile named Christian Grey. I thought it was pretty funny and wondered how many guys were switching over to a 50 Shades-inspired name. Once I clicked through, I was shocked and appalled to realize it was Tim's profile. Since I'd clicked, he would see it was me. His profile was a mock-up of what Christian Grey's would be like, from interests to career to rules for his partner.

The next day he messaged me, "Hello Miss Steele. :)"

I never replied and continued to get unwarranted texts every two months for nearly a year.

Present day

Recently, Tim a.k.a. Gaston as he is known among my friends, texted me at a particularly stressful time in my life, so I entertained his texts as a welcomed distraction.

We briefly and meaninglessly caught up, and then he said, "I have a bit of a surprise for you! I'm writing the next 50 Shades of Grey!" I gladly humored this conversation.

We bantered back and forth and he continued to try and prove how well he knew me per that "Modern Woman" analysis. After 12 hours of no texting he sent me a "thinking of you missy :)" and I closed that chapter of my life with what will hopefully be our last bit of correspondence ever: "This is literally never going to happen, so let's cut it off now. Best of luck with your book."

He didn't reply, and I haven't heard from him since (yay!), but I will be keeping an eye out for his book. Maybe if it's turned into a feature film Matthew McConaughey will be up for the role.