#you guys dont even understand how much i fuckinf love this ask it’s literally my favorite ask ever

[dj-wayback]

If you can’t stop thinking about that ‘incident’ then simply delete your memory, gay boy

[theworldsoul]

Sorry guys, I'm gonna vent Again, so if you don't want to read it just feel free to skip this post

Okay so basically we have a Gecko. Don't ask, that's another story for another time. My dad has grown fond of it, and I used to think he was cool until a specific day. On that say I fed him worms with a tweezer. When I picked them up, I could PHYSICALLY FEEL THEIR PAIN. I dont really know what happened there, but I physically felt their pain and i squeezed them. My dad said, "squeeze harder, do it by the head", and i tried it and i felt a jolt of pain... I told myself "you are just imagining the pain, its okay" but then when I looked back at the worm, squirming and struggling... I connected some dots in my brain and this hard realization came upon me, that I was causing this poor creature pain. I began to cry and my dad had to feed the gecko that day. Ever since then I havent interacted with the gecko because every time I do it freaks me out a bit. I dont really understand what happened that time but I want to forget about it before I go near the gecko again. I've been trying to get closer to him but I always freak out.

So today I was on my computer, right? Drinking a tea. Trying to feel peaceful. Then all of a sudden my dad is there, all happy with the gecko, and I go "oh hi!!!" Because I am under the impression that the gecko will stay ON HIS HAND. Of course I'm wrong. My dad encourages him to go onto the table to see me. I EXPECT the gecko to walk onto the table and towards me, but TO MY SURPRSISE, the gecko basically jumpscares me by suddenly jumping from his hand onto and nearby watterbottle. I jump a bit, startled, and I spill tea all over my computer, the table, and my sleeve. As I'm processing what happened I'm overtaken by fear and I begin to cry.

Of course I'm fine and I'm just overreacting, but I was scared. I wasnt hurt, my computer mousepad barely works now but I wasnt hurt. So why was I so scared of a little gecko? I dont know. So I'm crying and trying to clean up the mess of tea everywhere and my dad is mad at me for spilling my tea and he asks why I did that and I tell him that I was scared since it jumped so suddenly, yknow I wasnt expecting it. I dont remeber his exact words but it was soemthing about me being 15, like "oh well since you're 15 now you should grow the fuck up" basically. Then he left. Like???? I am literally trying to get my breathing back to a normal pace because I'm SCARED, I was just JUMPSCARED, and you get MAD AT ME??? YOUR CHILD IS FUCKING SCARED AND YOU JUST LEAVE THEM?? the whole time I was cleaning I could hear him in the other room talking to the gecko, all carefree and happy... while I did my best not to cry. Damn okay. It almost made me feel like I was below human.

Usually this wouldnt be such a big fucking deal, but I'm an emotional person. And also I notice that,,, whenever my sister is scared they lunge at the chance to help her feel safe again. It's like they hate me specifically.

I know I'm making a big deal out of something that is really not a big deal. Really all that happened was a little gecko jumped and I got scared. I'm overdoing it. But that's just how I am now. I really don't want to believe that I'm broken or anything, but fuck i think i genuinely am messed up if stupid shit like this makes me freak out... reminder that this all began with EMPATHIZING WITH A FUCKING MEALWORM. I'm jsut so fucking broken. And in the moments I was left alone to console myself as quietly as possible so as not to make anyone angry, I felt my body become possessed with another soul.

This happens sometimes, where I will sorta have the mindset of a child. I force it sometimes to cope, but other times it happens on it's own whenever I feel unloved or otherwise bad like this. I'm not too sure if this is a normal thing. But I describe it as possession. The fact that that event made me get possessed is kinda a big deal. Usually that only happens at REALLY BAD THINGS.

But this wasn't really bad... I'm just being sensitive and overdoing it.

Honestly my parents are right... I really do need to grow up. But I think I have something wrong with me, with my brain, because there are just so many things about this story that are so... wrong. Like, what sort of person freaks out and cries for an hour because they got jumpscared? What sort of person then has their body SWITCH SOULS because they feel like their parents dont love them? WHAT SORT OF PERSON EMPATHIZES WITH A WORM??? it's all so weird. Like, who knows, maybe my parents arent that bad, maybe I'm just like... weird. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm totally overdoing this. I'm making such a big deal out of it... but I cant help it. That's just my emotions.

Shit, I should really get a therapist. All the ones I've been to so far tell me my emotional reactions are totally normal but THIS DOESNT SEEM FUCKING NORMAL TO ME. I've overreacted to shit my whole life. It's not. Helpful.

On another note, I notice that my crying doesnt induce a "concern" reaction in my father. It induces an "anger" reaction. They arent bad people, I just... I'm beginning to think they really fucking hate me.

They have all the reaosn to, but a lot of those reasons are things that couldve been fixed early on if the adults around me cared about my feelings enough to try to sort them out. It's been fifteen years and now I'm fucked up. Irreversible. Just. So.. so fuckinf damaged. I dont think I'll ever be normal. And I hate ft. But it cant happen.

Soemtimes I think it was a bad idea to choose to live after the party. It was the perfect time to die and I told myself no, dont do it. It was... perfect. Calling to me. I think it was my destiny to die that day. I think that now I am cursed since I dodged my destiny.

I try not to think that way. I tell myself that I am going to change so much. I tell myself that my passion will be my strength. But the way my life is going, it really doesnt feel like I will become anything good.

I'm failing my classes. They KNOW about my soul shifting. I cry too much. All I ever do is draw STUPID FUCKING DRAWINGS and play STUPID FUCKING MUSIC and play fashion designer in my room stitching things up... fucking hell. They're right to hate me. I'm a failure. But they're also wrong to hate me. A lot of the things they dont like about me are things that are THEIR FAULT.

Man, I dont even know what to think anymore. All I really ever wanted was their love. But it's impossible for me to get it now, so I should just forget about it. I cant though. It plagues me. The thought that they hate me. It hurts me. And when its confirmed to me... i'm sorry. All I ever do is complain about the most mundane bullshit ever. My parents are proabbly actually good people I'm just overdoing it because I'm I'm proabbly mentally ill or soemthing. And I'm a failure anyways so I cant fucking blame them for not liking me that much anwyays. God, fifteen is very old. And I'm a boy. I hate to say it but they're right. Fuck, they're right. I cant be crying... I'm so oversensitive. But wait, why am I trying so hard to justify their ideas? ITS BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY CONDEMNING THEIR ACTIONS. WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY. goddamn it...

I dont know how I'm gonna fix this though. I kinda wish my parents would treat me with the softness that I NEED, that my mind NEEDS and has needed for a while now, but I know that wont happen and really I'm just this overgrown child thing and oh fuck I wonder who's fault that is??? Cos it isn't all on me. Oh shit, now I'm scared. If I get a bad mark on my test my parents will freak out. I think I'm going to cry again. Fuck man, I try my hardest, it's just I'm literally defective. I cant do any better. I've been set up to fail anyways. Fuck. I just... I dont know, I wish things were different.

This is stupid and I'm being stupid and freaking out over one little thing. Fuck.

[cyrokinetic-iceman]

Here's the one thing people who've never been subjected to a toxic and manipulative relationship don't understand: you literally do not have the power to say no. Sure, sometimes you can. "Can we have pizza tonight?" "No because we had pizza last night." "Ugh fine we'll get something different." But that's with simple things. There's really important times that you can't. You try, but you can't. "Can't you pay more attention to me? I really feel like you haven't been giving me any attention today." "Sorry, I've been studying for finals." "Well take a break and pay some attention to me, please? I miss you. We haven't been talking a lot lately. I feel like we're drifting. I just want to know you love me. I miss you a lot. You don't pay a lot of attention to me, so can you please just take a break and talk to me for a little bit. Even if it's only ten minutes because you really haven't been talking to me." That kind of language, it's manipulative. It makes you feel like you're the bad guy because how dare you be doing something important for a prolonged period of time. How dare you study for your finals. How dare you not devote all of your time to your partner. How dare you focus on yourself. It makes perfectly acceptable and normal behaviour demonised and seemingly selfish. So then you say, reluctantly that you really do have to study because finals are in three days and you don't really know the material (because anytime you sit down to study or do schoolwork, they're pestering you for your undivided attention) and you HAVE to pass these classes or you'll lose your scholarship, you already did worse than you should have last quarter (because, again, all your time not spent sleeping or in class was forced in them or you were guilted into feeling like a bad person) and you can't afford to lose a $17,000 scholarship because your grades flopped. Then the whining and the pouting happens and the crying and begging and "can't we just call for ten minutes? I just really need to hear your voice. I've been having such a she's time lately. I miss you so much, we need we get to see each other anymore because you're always at school and you never call and I just really miss you and I just really need to hear your voice." And you could put the phone down or exit out if Facebook on your laptop but you know in an hour when you take a break from your work to get a snack or something, you'll have 99+ notifications from them whining and crying about how you're ignoring them and how you're acting like you don't love them anymore and they feel like they're going to hurt themselves and they've been thinking about killing themselves and they don't know how much longer this can go on. So now you feel gross and guilty because look what ignoring them as done. So you call them to calm them down because you love them and you don't want them to hurt themselves and you don't want them to kill themselves and you'll do better to make more time you promise, even though what should only have been a ten minutes break from studying has now become a two hour frantic phone call of them sob/screaming about how lonely they feel and how they miss you and how things are so bad without you there 24/7 and how they feel like a burden to everyone and "oh I'm taking you away from your studying I'm such an awful partner I'm so sorry I'm so awful i should just kill myself. Just ignore me and do your schoolwork I'll stop distracting you, etc..." But of course if you hang up on them or tell them okay, you're going to go back to studying, you can't focus because you have this gloomy cloud over you of: are they going to kill themselves, are they going to hurt themselves. I can't let them go in this condition. So you tell them it's fine and that you can talk for a little while longer but by now it's already 11 at night and youve been talking for four hours and haven't gotten any studying done. Or instead of ignoring them, you tell them you can call for ten minutes but that's it and then you have to go, but they keep prolonging your conversation so ten minutes becomes twenty, becomes thirty, an hour, and hour and a half and you REALLY NEED to go, but you can't end the conversation so you just stop replying vocally because you REALLY NEED TO STUDY and it's already 10 o'clock because your class let out at 8:05 and you tell her you need to go but "oh just one more thing it's been so long since we talked like this" but really it's only been a few days. Or instead of calling you say you'll be online and talk to them periodically but the second you stop rapid responding to them because you're studying or doing schoolwork they flood you with sad messages or those stupid sugar cub stickers that messenger has of the link koala crying about how it misses you and you can't stand the pestering and the constant berating of how you need to make more time so you tell them you need to go and you love them but then they're crying because they've annoyed you. It's an endless cycle that you can't escape from. And when you try to tell someone that your grades are slipping because of a toxic relationship, or that your grades skipped because of a toxic relationship, and they say that your bad grades are no one's fault but your own, they neglect to acknowledge the fact that for six months you TRIED to study and you TRIED to keep good grades but it's impossible to do when your study time is engulfed by your partner demanding your attention. And even after you've told your partner that they're modeling toxic and manipulative behaviour (because you're fully aware of what they're doing but you love them so much you're willing to let the fix it), all they do is cry about how shitty of a partner they are and how they're going to change but you never see the change. And when you finally break up with them, they try to pin it all on you and say how they bottled up so much because they felt like they could never come to you because you told them to give you more space, but they weren't bottling up the petty things and instead bothering you with those petty things and hiding big things from you. And even when you tell them that you need to break up with them orbits going to kill you because you can't handle the constant back and forth of it all and you just need room to fuckinf BREATHE, they act like you're the bad guy and call you abusive because you 'ignored' them and yelled at them. But you only ever snapped at them because they know you don't like being touched, especially sexually, and you don't like being pestered for sex, and you don't like being pestered, and you don't like going out for long periods of time and after all week at school and work and over-socialising you need just a few goddamn hours to yourself to relax and recharge because you're never alone when you have two roommates. But they don't leave you alone, ever, that was the biggest issue, and they don't stop touching you after you've asked nicely FIVE SEPERATE times, and your anxiety is clawing away at your chest and you can't HANDLE it anymore so you yell at them to LEAVE YOU ALONE. And now they're crying because you yelled at them and the spark is gone and "do you even love me anymore. I feel like you don't want this relationship to work out anymore. I feel like you're not putting forth any effort for this relationship anymore. Don't you love me? Why dont you love me?" But it's always you spending money to go across the sound to see them and it's always you sacrificing your time to talk to them. And when THEY have a serious problem, YOU need to drop everything to help them and talk to them and make them feel better. But the second YOU feel like you're going to kill yourself or that you're suffering from some health issues to cause a lot of pain and you just need some support, suddenly they can't be bothered, it's always a "I'm sorry babe :/" and "wish I could help you feel better." But if you were to respond with just those it would be unacceptable and "you need to show you care about me more" It's an endless cycle of you not being good enough, you not doing good enough, having to do better, never being better, you'll never be better, you can never be better because they don't really want you as a person they want you as an item, a title. "This is my partner," they say, beaming because they have a partner. But it doesn't matter that YOU'RE they're partner, they just wanted one. They were desperate for a naive enough person to be their partner so that could feel accomplished. They make you feel great for the first few months, maybe even the first YEAR, but once it's just you and them, once you're isolated (because of them) from friends and family, things go sour. Everything is your fault always, all the time, even if it's not. It is. You don't spend enough time with them but you live with them, my god, how dare you have a life outside of them that demands your attention to be away from them for more than ten goddamn minutes. Three years of this and you're so used to it, so far deep into it that you don't realise it's making you sick, making you depressed, hurting yourself and distancing yourself from your friends. you stop trying to make plans because plans interfere with your partner and how dare you have a life outside of them, remember? Your body becomes policed by them because they wanted a partner, remember, they didn't want YOU. So you have to fit the mold they created for their partner. You can't have this you can't have that, you can't wear this, don't get this, don't do this. Be this image they have in their head and if you dare deviate outside of it, then you might as well drop out of college and go back to living with them all the time. That's what they want. They want you 24/7. Anything less is not enough, and if you dare point that out they "just really miss living with you and going to bed next to you and don't you miss that too?" I don't know where I was going with this but these thoughts were all just building up in my head and I needed to get them out because maybe someone else can relate to this and get out before it's too late. But anyways, there were a lot of things I could have done differently in my relationship, but none of it would have helped and in the end I did the right thing by breaking up with them and taking a year off of school.