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reomanet · 6 years

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Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet…!

Friday, June 22, “Cake Boss” star Buddy Valastro revealed his secret to recent weight loss. Apparently it had to do with not eating so much cake. Koko, the gorilla that learned sign language has died at age 46. It’s last communication was signing “That Chipotle burrito last night tasted a little funny.” Koko, the gorilla that learned sign language has died at age 46. It’s final signing was giving a middle finger and saying “That’s for keeping me in a cage for 46 years.” A study says pot users feel more pain. Mostly from the indigestion and upset stomach from eating nothing but pizza, Oreos and Doritos all day. Orlando International Airport will require facial scans of all passengers. The problem is the system only recognizes people from pictures wearing Mouse Ears. A study says the American swamp sparrow has been singing the same song for 1,000 years. That’s almost as long as Richard Simmons has been Sweatin’ to the Oldies. A report says some people are taking out loans to pay for vacations. Mostly the people who need a break to get away from worrying about being so far in debt. Starbucks is blaming “health and wellness” for sagging Frappuccino sales. Along with the fact that people are tired of half their paycheck going to pay off their monthly Starbucks bill. Algeria has ordered a complete shutdown of the Internet during high school exams to prevent cheating. Apparently kids will do anything to get higher scores that will get them into college and a chance to get out of Algeria. Algeria has ordered a complete shutdown of the Internet during high school exams to prevent cheating. Which is sad that in the U.S. kids are so inventive of ways to cheat on tests with their cellphones and still can’t get passing grades. Romania’s most powerful politician has been convicted of misconduct. Which answers the question as to how he became Romania’s most powerful politician. A Nigerian man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison on an IRS tax return scheme. Apparently he didn’t declare the money he got collecting cash for imprisoned relatives of his country’s princes. A Nigerian man has been sentenced to 15 years in prison on an IRS tax return scheme. To which the IRS is saying “We thought of it first!” Experts say the WHO decision to classify gaming addiction as a mental health disorder is “premature” and a “moral panic.” Although it’s hard to call it premature and a panic since it has pretty much been around since 1983. Two mayoral candidates have been killed in Mexico, with 18 dead so far. Talk about a rough primary season. Iraq’s Supreme Court has endorsed a manual recount of all ballots in last month’s national election. Which has inspired Al Gore to try for one more chance at taking Florida and claiming victory in 2000. The State Department claims China is adapting and improving tactics deployed by Russia in the 2016 elections. To which they are saying “This is for all those tariffs!” A Japanese city official had his pay docked for taking lunch three minutes early. He lost a half-day’s pay, mostly because like all government workers he puts in about a six minute workday. Johnny Depp says his spending problems were actually worse than reported. It was so bad, the money he wasted if turned into movie receipts could have actually made a profit for “The Lone Ranger.” AT&T has launched a streaming service for $15 a month. If it’s anything like their phone service, they will offer black and white reruns from the 2003 fall lineup. Steam video gaming is offering a tool to see how much customers have spent on games, with one 20 year old spending $100,000. Which “Steam” refers to what came out of his parents’ ears when they saw what he did with his college fund. Steam video gaming is offering a tool to see how much customers have spent on games, with one 20 year old spending $100,000. If this was back in the arcade days, he would have had arthritis from the motion of depositing 400,000 quarters. Twitter has acquired anti-abuse startup Smyte to curb hate on the platform. Which apparently means it will be used to just delete 95% of all tweets. MTV’s new studio will launch reboots of “Daria,”“Made” and “Real World.” If it is successful, they may even really go retro and actually try playing music videos again. A report says more than 1 Million U.S. children were victims of ID theft last year. Which is no problem if they have no credit because they will all be broke anyway when they finish college and have to start paying off their tuition loans. A report says more than 1 Million U.S. children were victims of ID theft last year. The worst part is when they find out by the bank coming around to shut down their lemonade stand and seize the assets to pay off their money they owe. A report says more than 1 Million U.S. children were victims of ID theft last year. What are the thieves after? Emptying out what has accumulated in a Gerber’s life insurance policy? A study says the herpes virus may play a role in Alzheimer’s Disease. Which is good news for men who can tell their wives they can’t remember how they got herpes. Doctors say border separation could have a traumatic impact on children. Although at this point it looks like it could have an even worse effect on politicians. Canadian legalization of marijuana will offer pot delivery by mail. And you thought the postal service was slow now. A study with mice says caffeine protects the heart by helping it make energy. Which finally explains the reason why they will spend hours every day running on a wheel. A study says imposter syndrome is real. The question is are the researchers who did the study really who they say they are? A study says imposter syndrome is real, where people feel all their success is due to luck. That certainly explains how Justin Bieber has lasted so long. A study says imposter syndrome is real, where people feel all their success is due to luck. Which if true sure beats getting there through a lot of time and hard work. Real Housewives of Orange County alum Alex Bellino’s husband has filed for divorce. For a show based on housewives, they sure seem to get divorced a lot. SNL’s Pete Davidson has confirmed he is engaged to Ariana Grande. When they get married he can carry her over the threshold, from the dressing room to the stage, to the limo after a concert… Brett Favre has joined the fight against youth tackle football. Although at his age youth tackle football anymore includes the NFL. Johnny Manziel’s CFL coach says he should be playing in the NFL. Apparently he feels Manziel can ride the bench as well as any backup quarterback in the game. Johnny Manziel’s CFL coach says he should be playing in the NFL. It’s too bad he never had a chance to play in the NFL as his only other time as a professional was spent with Cleveland. The Denver Bronco’s stadium has gotten a new temporary name. Until they get a new sponsor, the site will be known as “Your Company’s Name Here.” A team reportedly asked NBA prospect Kevin Knox about a baby that doesn’t exist. Which is just their way of saying “Welcome to the league!” U.S. Open Tennis will drop having to throw the ball to broaden the pool for applicants trying out for ballpersons. Which shouldn’t be a problem as it didn’t stop people who couldn’t sing from showing up for auditions for “American Idol.” A Rhode Island bill would keep Donald Trump off the 2020 ballot unless he releases his tax returns. Which should be even easier now that the tax returns will be the size of a postcard to just put a stamp on it and mail it to all the states. Melania Trump says children detained at the border are “a direct result of adult acts.” Meaning her husband. ABC has ordered a spinoff of “Roseanne” without Roseanne Barr. It will be called “Roseanne Doesn’t Live Here Anymore.” The National Enquirer admits it sent articles about Donald Trump to Michael Cohen for approval before being published. Apparently they wanted to make sure the reports were correct about his lunch with Elvis and love child with Bigfoot. The White House is proposing disbanding security details for Scott Pruitt and others in the administration. With so many controversies already, the only security Pruitt should be concerned with is job security. The White House is proposing disbanding security details for Scott Pruitt and others in the administration. Mostly because with Pruitt running the EPA, the only security needed is to protect what is left of the environment. Melania Trump visited migrant families with a jacket saying “I Don’t Really Care Do U?” Which turns out to actually be the name of Donald Trump’s immigration policy. Donald Trump says the GOP needs Democratic votes for immigration bills, but complains that Democrats won’t vote for anything. To which Democrats are saying “Have you tried impeachment?” The White House says it wants to merge the Education and Labor Departments. Mostly so both agencies can be in charge of children and the factories where they will soon be working. A record high 75% of Americans think immigration is a good thing. Mostly people looking for a staff to clean their pools, maintain their yards and cook their meals. A report says smartphones will be used as car keys as early as next year. All they need to do is program them to not start the car until the driver stops texting. Researchers say the tongue of the T-Rex was stuck to the bottom of its mouth. Which explains why they were so fierce, getting angry when the other dinosaurs laughed at it while it tried to eat peanut butter. Some sad news from the world of golf with the passing of two time major winner Hubert Green and five time British Open champ Peter Thomson. They were two classy men who played the game with great respect. Meaning neither of them would ever have hit a moving putt, if you know what I mean. I remember Green winning the U.S. Open when it was revealed he played the final round after receiving death threats. Those were the good old days when death threats had nothing to do with politics, just people being crazy for general reasons. The golf world will miss them both as should the world in general. They lived good lives and believed in giving back. So I hope you all think about them when you remember as usual