#you know. sometimes i wait for apologies and they dont arrive when i discuss something and mention how i was hurt

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Reading Alice oseman's "Loveless" and sitting here like, wow I wish I could argue with someone, tell them to their face that I'm angry and they fucked up, and then feel justified in my actions moving forward

[ramzawrites]

Ah right sorry! I dont know how but my brain was like 'yes discord is exists in minecraft'- Yes of course I dont mind! You can do whatever you want with the request :) Good im happy to hear that! And Thank you!

Original Request: Could I request a shy and quiet reader forgetting they're on a discord call and starts to sing a song that they are listening to? and whoever is on call with them joins in? maybe with Tommy, Wilbur and some other characters you want to write for :)

Remember to eat and drink water!

Secret Singing - Reader Insert

GN

Pairings: none stated but can be read as Wilbur x Reader

Characters included: Wilbur, Tommy, Jack Manifold

Warnings: n/a

Series: a request <3

Summary: Wilbur was busy, but not busy enough to help Y/N set up their workspace at their favorite spot! Going off to fulfill his own errands only to come back to a nice and beautiful tune in the air. 

Words count: 2125

Authors Note: Lmao you are valid, I mean after all skype is canon in the dsmp 💔 Skype my abhorred 💔

Also adhd went brrr again, I tried looking over it a ton but there might still be a few mistakes!

“Oh, wow! Need any help with that, Y/N? That’s a lot of wool you got there!” Wilbur was running through L’Manberg to deal with some errands but stopped in his tracks, having to do a double take as he just saw a mountain of blue wool on legs walk towards his direction. Only then did he notice that it was Y/N who was holding on to a basket with the wool in their arms.

With a concentrated expression Y/N turned around a bit so they could look at him. Pieces of loose wool was laying in their hair or was stuck on their flushed face “Oh! Didn’t see you there! And it’s alright! I’m just getting it over to my bench!”

With their bench they meant the wooden bench they set up themself next to a small pond. They loved working close by it hence the bench to make it a bit more comfortable. It was also still a minute or two off and with the way Y/N was already struggling with the basket, Wilbur couldn’t just stand and watch. How could he hope to be a proper president when he didn’t help people who clearly needed it?

He shook his head with a fond smile on his face, stepping closer to grab the basket from them “Nope, let me help you. Not taking no for an answer.”

Y/N let out a few weak protests but ended up just pushing it into his arms, not wanting to accidentally spill the freshly treated wool unto the ground.

“Hey, um, be- bend down a little, Wil.” their voice weak and wavering like usual. Their shyness getting ahold of them again.

Not even thinking about why they asked this of him, he obliged. They then scoped up the top of the soft mountain so Wilbur had actually a chance to look across. He might be tall but that didn’t help when you held something big in your own arms.

With a soft satisfied smile they begun moving again and for a second Wilbur just stared as he readjusted his grip on the surprisingly heavy basket that Y/N probably made themself. Following after them and making sure that no stray pieces of wool would fall off.

“So, what’s all the blue wool for?” he asked.

For some reason this seemed to amuse Y/N “Well, a lot of our clothes use blue wool. The flag as well! I need some blue thread to either stitch some more flags down on clothing or when repairing them. Same for the flags flying about. General stitching. Besides can’t hurt to have some extra, might even sell some!”

In hindsight this made sense. When this whole L’Manberg situation started out Y/N offered to help stitch together their torn clothes. Over time they got really good at it and nowadays they have kind of turned into the resident seamstress.

Wilbur once apologized for pushing them into this profession only for them to vehemently shake their head “No! It’s fine! I- I enjoy it! It, uh, it also gives me something else to do than worry about our existence.”

He couldn’t argue with that. It was something that he lacked. Everything he did was dedicated to this new nation after all and he would lie, and he did, if this didn’t take a bit of a toll on him sometimes.

Once they arrived at the bench, Wilbur softly placed down the wool next to the seating area as Y/N carefully returned the extra wool back on top. They then sat down on the bench while taking out their tools out of their inventory to turn the wool into yarn or thread.

It wasn’t unusual finding them working here, especially when the weather was playing nice. Often enough sitting together with other people in sometimes comfortable silence or happy chatter. Either making thread, stitching or whatever work they had to do and could do outside.

“Thank you, Wilbur! I’m sure you are busy so I won’t keep you longer but you are welcome to join me if you are done with work before me.”

Wilbur picked some of the stray wool off his uniform and sighed, not particularly looking forward to the work “Yeah. I’ll come around if I can. I’m going to meet up with Tommy in a bit so he might join as well, not sure though.”

Y/N nervously chuckled “Yeah, don’t worry. I know.”

They then begun to set up their tools to start working. Not even looking after Wilbur who begun walking off again in a snail’s pace. He really wasn’t looking forward to his work at the moment but alas it was very important.

It took a bit, but he soon arrived at the building he and Tommy set up as something of a headquarter. It was basically just a room covered in maps, scrapped ideas, plans and a few weapon and armor pieces.

Tommy was already waiting inside for him. He looked a bit annoyed with his arms in front of his chest. Before he could complain to him though Wilbur already threw his arm around Tommy and led him to his latest sketched out plan for L’Manburg. Trying to distract him with work.

They were mostly discussing how to ensure the safety of the new nation and how to create a functioning system inside that would ensure that everything inside would move along smoothly.

Hours passed as they schemed and begun setting a few safety measures up or helped the residents of L’Manberg where they could. Jack Manifold later joined them as well. Helping and even offering ideas of his own to incorporate.

“I think that is all we can do for today. I’m getting seriously tired.” Jack sighed, cleaning the dust off his hands on his own clothes.

“You’re going home?” Tommy asked.

Jack crossed his arms, his eyes wandered off to the side behind his mismatched glasses as he thought for a second “Mh, I was hoping we could hang a bit, you know, outside of work. Haven’t done that in a while.”

“Oh! I promised to maybe spend some time with Y/N if they are still at their pond!” Wilbur suddenly exclaimed, remembering the exchange from a few hours ago.

A happy smile appeared on Jack’s face “Let’s go together then! I haven’t seen them in a while, and it’s been even longer that I hung out with them while they worked. It’s always very calming for some reason.” The last part he muttered but Wilbur caught it.

He wasn’t the only one who thought like this. Most of the people in L’Manberg were drawn to them especially in this chaotic time. It was nice having someone like that around.

“Guess I’ll come with you.” Tommy suddenly exclaimed, pulling Wilbur back out of his thoughts.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, why not. I need to ask them to look at my coat anyhow.”

With that the group begun moving, it was slowly getting darker, but it was still warm outside, so if they were lucky, Y/N was still out.

They were chatting about what they were planning to do next or in Jack’s and Tommy’s case what they have been up to only for them to get interrupted by a tune that the wind carried over to them.

A bit surprised Wilbur looked at the others, hoping to see if they too hear it and true enough, they seemed to be just as surprised as them. Someone was singing but he has never heard a voice like this.

Frankly, it was beautiful.

The tune was sounding sad and yet the lyrics that accompanied it were hopeful. Wishing for peace in a time of turmoil. Promises of a better time filled with a deep love via the voice.

It was a song that none of them ever have ever heard. An original song perhaps?

But what really surprised them was from what direction the music came from.

It came from the pond. From Y/N’s bench.

Almost as if they were worried to scare away a wild animal, they begun to sneak towards said pond. Staying off the path and taking a wild berth. Hiding behind the trees, trying to avoid that if their hunch were right, that Y/N wouldn’t see them approaching.

Wilbur pressed his index finger against his pursed lips as they got closer, motioning for the others to keep quiet. To which Tommy just rolled his eyes, seeing how this was obvious.

Jack slowly moved around the tree and there he saw it.

Y/N was sitting on the bench, their legs crossed with a piece of fabric in their hands that they seemed to stich another L’Manburg flag into. Slowly moving their head from one side to the next to the rhythm of the song.

Wilbur followed suit, using his superior height to peak his head out above Jack while Tommy crouched down to do the same.

They were still intently staring at their handiwork, pushing the nail and thread into the cloth only to pull it out again. Their mouth turned into a happy little smile as they sang this hopefully hymn.

“Wow, I didn’t think they could sing like that.” Jack whispered, looking up to Wilbur.

He nodded, his eyes continuing to rest on Y/N’s happy expression “Yeah. It’s beautiful.”

“I guess it’s fine.” Tommy just whispered back. Of course, he still had to put on his cool dude persona.

Wilbur flicked Tommy’s head “Just say for once what you really think!” He still made sure to keep his voice down, not having heard enough of the song and Y/N’s voice yet.

Tommy scowled and jumped back so he was standing at his full height again “What do you mean? I say what I think! The hell are you talking about!” He tried to keep his voice down but at the end he got louder which made Wilbur panic and clasp his hand around Tommy’s mouth.

Though Tommy saw this coming and dodged out of the way by ducking, resulting in Wilbur to fall over. Crashing into Tommy and pushing him onto the ground, both of them letting out a startled yell.

The singing immediately stopped.

“Ah! Look what you have done!” Jack whined, helping the two reluctantly up.

“Well, if Tommy would have shut his mouth!”

“You attacked me!”

“I did not! I was trying to shut you up!”

“Guys?” a soft and unsure voice broke through their argument.

All three men slowly turned around to see Y/N clutching the piece of cloth they had been working on close to their chest. Avoiding any eye contact. Their face covered in a deep blush. Chewing on their lower lip.

“Are you okay? I- I heard a thud and- I just- I wanted to make sure-“ they stammered.

Tommy seemed to be confused at that “What? No. You were singing though, right Y/N?” Getting straight to the point apparently.

“Tommy!” Both Jack and Wilbur yelled out in outrage.

Y/N’s eyes widened, and they moved the cloth up to their face. Effectively hiding behind it “No. I- uh. I’m sorry?”

“What are you sorry for? Your voice is amazing! Why haven’t you told us you can sing?” Wilbur stepped closer. His eyes wide as well but in amazement.

Though Y/N seemed to cower down even more the closer he got “Because- Because I can’t. Please just forget about it.”

Wilbur wanted to know more, hear more of their singing but they seemed panicked. Hiding away and trying to clearly get out of the situation and he had to take a step back. Guilt welling up in him.

“I’m sorry. We just heard your song, and it was beautiful. I have never heard this song. I guess we got enamored by it especially since your singing was really amazing.”

Jack put his hand on Wilbur’s shoulder and pushed him back a few steps “Come on let’s drop it. They are clearly uncomfortable. I’m sorry Y/N.” He then begun pulling Wilbur along, grabbing Tommy in the process as well who just yanked his arm away from him stating he could walk good enough on his own.

“Wilbur?”

He immediately turned around again to see the nervous Y/N with a determined expression on their face. The cloth now back down.

“The song! I mean, uh, my parent taught me that song when I was a child. Apparently, they wrote it.”

“It’s a really beautiful one. Your parent must be very talented. If you feel ever more comfortable enough I would love to hear the full song.”

Y/N took a deep breath in “I know how to play it on guitar and keyboard? I could, uh, you know. Teach it to you?”

Wilbur’s smile returned to his face “Sounds like a plan.”

[honeykawa]

Fly | Route: H. Shoyo

pairing: hinata shoyo x reader

genre: mafia au, choose your own adventure

word count: 6.0k

warnings: violence, blood, mentions of abuse

a/n: reading the intro might help with any confusion in the beginning :)

Intro | Fly Masterlist

“I choose him”

You saw the slight twitch in the orange haired man’s eyebrow

“I refuse”

He slowly looked up at you and glared

“Only an idiot would choose someone who just pointed a gun at their head”

You couldnt argue with that

But there was something about him that just seemed...familiar

“Shut up Hinata. Just take them home. Your their bodyguard now, end of discussion”

Hinata was slow to move but didnt make any other comments

You followed him out and bowed towards the others before leaving

Once you got in the car you told him where you lived and he did nothing more than just drive you there

The silence was almost unbearable and was only relieved once you arrived at your home

“We’re here. I’ll pick you up at eight. You better be ready.”

With that he drove off not even waiting to see if you got inside of your apartment

Maybe he didnt like you

I mean he did point a gun to your head maybe that would have been a good indicator to not choose him

But you just couldnt shake the weird feeling when you looked at him

You finished getting ready for bed and plopped onto your bed, staring at the ceiling

“Just what have I gotten myself into…”

You turned over onto your side and turned off your lamp

Tomorrow starts a new day and a new life for you

You immediately woke up to the sound of your alarm, not that you got much sleep anyways

You were too nervous to get a proper sleep but youd rather be ready yo go than face the wrath of your new...associate

So when he knocked on the door you immediately swung it open to which he kind of jumped at

“Sorry if I startled you! I just didnt want to keep you waiting! I also didnt know exactly what we were doing or where we are going so i hope this is okay to wear! I must have tried on at least three other outfits before going with this...”

Hinata just rolled his eyes “whatever lets go”

You both pulled up to a giant glass building with “Sawamura Inc.” written across it in giant letters

You both then got out and he brought you to daichis office

“I’m pairing you up with the other interns. Hinata, be nice and stop glaring daggers at them. I’m leaving them to you”

“Got it” he turned to leave but stopped just in front of you

“Dont get in my way”

The sound of his footsteps could be heard walking down the hallway

He really didnt like you…

“Dont worry about him. He isnt usually like this but i swear hes a good guy”

You thanked daichi as you left and started doing tasks that a normal intern would generally do

You would see hinata sometimes but if you’re being honest you probably saw kageyama more than him

After a few days on not seeing hinata you started to get curious

“Hey kags...wheres hinata?”

Kageyama didnt skip a beat in answering your question

“Hes probably doing some stuff for mr. sawamura. That man has always had a hold over his head. And dont call me kags im not a kid”

You just rolled your eyes at him “well you drink milk like youre one”

He got that annoyed look on his face and whipped his head towards you, “would you shut up--”

“Look at me im kageyama and i enjoy milk and filing papers”

Goofing around and teasing kageyama kept your mind off of hinata, at least for a little bit

About a week goes by of your working with kageyama either filing papers of making coffee runs until you saw hinata again

And when you did he had come back dressed a little nicer than the last time you had seen him

Instead of him in just a button up and nice pants he was actually wearing a three piece suit

The vest on him fit him quite nicely and seeing him dressed up made your heart skip a beat, but only for a moment

“What are you looking at?”

His eyes were still hard as steel as he looked at you

You shook your head and apologized quietly

After you finished putting away some binders you quickly left the room you both were in to see if anyone else needed help

As you scurried away you couldnt help but take one last glance at him where the both of you locked eyes for only a moment

He really did look handsome today

You spent the rest of the day hanging around asahi and doing small errands for him

The day quickly came to an end and it seemed like hinata wasnt going to take you home again

You were about to leave the building when you ran into daichi

“Oh sorry daichi--”

Before you could go on he had a confused look on his face

“Wheres hinata? Is he meeting you here?”

You shook your head

“I dont know what hes been up to but dont worry! Ive been coming here and getting home just fine!”

You tried to cover for him the best you could but daichi wasnt having it

“That son of a…”

The next day hinata was right on time to pick you up

You were kind of nervous because of that conversation with daichi

And rightly so

“Did you talk shit with daichi about me?”

Oh great

You vehemently shook your head no

“I swear i didnt! He just saw me leaving yesterday by myself and he questioned me about it!”

His hands clenched the steering wheel even harder

“Listen. Im a busy man. Ive said it once and ill say it again. Dont get in my way and stay away from me”

You nodded your head and tried to go about your day without giving much thought to your conversation with hinata

Unfortunately you couldnt stop thinking about him

‘Why does he hate me so much? Am i really such a burden?’

Hinata kept his distance from you like usual but he would often check in on you without you knowing

He didnt know how to interact with you

Not when he did everything in his power to keep you safe

Trying to keep you away from mr. sawamura

Hes been taking more assignments from him just to make sure he was busy

“--i just feel like he doesnt like me. Maybe i chose wrong. But i just cant shake this feeling about him…”

Hinatas eyes widened when he heard your words

“Maybe you met him in passing before. Hard to forget that dumb orange hair of his”

Hinata had half the mind to go in there and yell at kags

“Maybe youre right. I was involved in a car accident when i was about seven or eight and i cant quite remember things before then. Maybe we met then...people used to say i would play with a kid but he wasnt from the neighborhood...”

A jolt of pain suddenly went through your head and you dropped the things you were holding

“Woah you okay y/n?”

‘Do you need help?’

Fragments of memories you didnt even know you had flashed through your mind

You nodded your head and heard footsteps entering the room

“You look like shit”

You looked up and saw hinata staring down at you

A gloved hand reached out to you and you gently took it

“Thank you”

You slowly stood up and rubbed your head a little bit before gaining your balance

“Are you okay?”

Hinata kept a hand on your back to keep you steady

You nodded your head

“Yeah...my head just hurt for a moment but its nothing to worry about”

You tried to give him a convincing smile but he was reluctant to let you go

“Well if you say so…”

A few days go by and almost every night you’re plagued with vague dreams that you can only assume were your lost memories

‘You should come home with me! I have lots of bandaids and stuff to help your cuts!’

‘--come on Sho! Lets play today!’

You jolted awake and tried to control your breathing

‘Sho?’

You could only assume that was the name of the boy in all your recurring memories

But no matter how many times you had those dreams, the faces were always too blurred to make out

‘Sho’ was the only clue you had and even that was ambiguous to you

Work was pretty normal, hinata even started taking you to and from work ever since that talk with daichi

But despite your newfound time together the two of you werent very close

You had grown somewhat close with almost everyone else

It just seemed like no matter what you did he always kept you at a distance

The ding from the elevator brought you out of your thoughts signaling it was time to get into the elevator

You held the files in your hands for Daichi as it went up but stopped after going up a couple floors

An older man who somewhat resembled Daichi walked on with a couple other men surrounding him making it cramped

The man made eye contact with you as your stared at him

“You got something to say?”

You immediately looked away and shook your head no

The tense air inside the elevator made it hard to breathe

You could feel him still staring at you

“Whats your name?”

The way his eyes narrowed on you made your stomach churn

“Y/n..y/n l/n”

You saw his eyes slightly widen before going back to normal

The elevator finally got to your floor and you got out as quickly as possible

“See you around, mx. l/n”

His voice sent chills down your back

You were so absorbed in trying to get out of there you didnt even see the person in front of you

You and hinata both toppled to the ground and he was gonna lecture you but when he saw your face he stopped himself

Why did you look so afraid?

Did someone hurt you?

Threaten you?

He could feel anxiety filling him just thinking of anything happening to you

“Are you okay?”

He helped you back up to your feet and gathered your papers

You just nodded your head, your eyes darting back to the elevator

He looked back to where you were looking then looked back at you

“Are you hurt?”

Again, you shook your head no

“There was a man...something about him made me uneasy. I dont know how to explain it other than that but it seemed like...he knew me? I dont know but it sent chills down my back”

A man...hinata started wondering just who you met when it hit him

“This man, did he have bodyguards?”

Hinatas voice was low, almost like he was on alert

“...yes”

Hinatas fists were curled tight

A race of thoughts ran through his head

He could hardly think straight and only came back once he heard you calling out his name

He knows

How...just how can he...keep you safe at this point

“Hinata are you okay?”

He let out a deep breath and relaxed his hands

“Im fine. Tonight, do you want to have dinner at my place?”

You were caught off guard by his proposition

This seemed very out of character for him

First he wanted nothing to do with you and now hes suddenly inviting you for dinner?

You were confused but accepted his offer

“We’ll go after work then”

When the both of you finally got off work he took you to his apartment and started preparing dinner

“Can I help you with anything?”

You felt awkward just sitting at the table but he just shook his head

“No itll just be better if you stay there and-”

“Dont get in your way, i got it.”

He let out a small chuckle

“Now youre starting to get it”

A small smile appeared on your face from the small banter

Hinata quickly got dinner done and served it to you

“Its nothing fancy but it should be good enough”

Dinner went on in almost complete silence, you didnt really know what to say and you could probably bet that he didnt either

But in your awkward glancing you finally noticed something you hadnt ever noticed before

How scarred his hands were

And thats when the memories came back to you

‘What are you doing out here in the rain? Youll catch a cold like this!’

‘This is gonna sting your hands but itll make your ouchies go away’

‘My name is y/n l/n, whats yours?’

‘Shoyo, Shoyo Hinata’

‘Oh! Like the sun! Your hair matches it too!’

The fork dropped from your hand and clattered against the plate

Tears started to form at the corners of your eyes

“Sho-chan?”

Hinatas eyes grew huge

“Do you remember?”

His question had more worry than relief tied into it

You nodded your head

“Why did you not want me to remember? What happened after the accident? Why didnt you ever come back?”

You could see his jaw tighten and then softening again

But before he answered any of your questions he got up and wiped the tears from your eyes

“How about we clean up first and then ill tell you everything”

After you settled down a bit on the couch, hinata cleaned the kitchen and poured you some tea 

“What happened to you hinata?”

He took a seat next to you and took a deep breath before speaking

“When i was young mr sawamura took me in. I didnt have a family so i didnt have much going for me anyways. But it was brutal, mr sawamura wanted me to be one of his best and so from the day he found me he trained me to do disgusting things. I was drowning in darkness, it was almost like i couldnt breathe whenever i was with him.”

Hinata paused and looked at his hands

“You see these scars? Its proof of how much i didnt want it. I thought that maybe if my hands were disfigured that he wouldnt make me do it anymore. I was wrong. I didnt want it, i never did. So i ran”

Anxiety started filling his chest just rethinking about those days

He could feel his hands shaking and it didnt go unnoticed by you

So you held his hand and gave it a little squeeze

“And that was the day i met you, right?”

He nodded his head

“Yeah that was the day you found me bloody and soaked in the rain”

He let out a breathy laugh

You looked so radiant that day

In his eyes, you were warm. A warmth that he never had, a warmth that he craved

So when you held out your hand to him he felt almost compelled to take it

And he still wants to take it now

“I was happy, you know. Being with you made me the happiest kid in the world. I finally felt like i was a normal kid with a normal life. But every dream has to end, right?”

A sad smile came onto his face

“Mr sawamura finally found me and when he did...lets just say he did not like what he saw. That car crash you were in was my fault and i will spend the rest of my life atoning for that sin”

You started putting two and two together...the reason hinata was so apprehensive being with you and why he wanted you to stay away from the higher ups...but it still left you with a couple questions

“Why didnt you want me to remember?”

This time he was the one to squeeze your hand

“I thought that if you didnt remember you would be safer that way...that maybe if you didnt know anything mr sawamura wouldnt remember either but i guess his memory is better than i thought. He tried to kill you, y/n. I could never forgive myself for that”

Just the thought of you dying scared the shit out of him

“Ive never forgotten you y/n. I made sure to check up on you every once in a while just to make sure you werent being threatened by that man. I dont think he knew that you survived though, well, at least not until today. I just wanted you to live a normal life, to have a normal job, hell, maybe even have a normal family.”

You two sat in a short silence before you broke it

“So what now?”

“We lay low. Hes probably sent some men to your apartment at this point if we’re being honest. Just until i can figure out where we go from here, are you okay with staying here?”

You nodded your head

“Yeah..whatever you think is best”

He finally let go of your hand and stood up

“Good. its getting late, do you want to shower?”

You nodded your head “thatd be nice”

Once you were done hinata had laid out some clothes for you

They still had the tags on them he must have ran out to go buy some

You laughed a little at the thought of him scrambling around only to decide to go buy you clothes

They were far too big but it made for a good night shirt

Once you came out hinata made a gesture to his room

“You can take the bed. Ill sleep elsewhere”

You shook your head

“No no this is your apartment! You can have your bed!”

A soft smile appeared on his face as hit pat your head

“Dont worry about it. Im sure i can rough it for the night”

You were still hesitant but...if he insisted then you werent going to go back and forth with him

“Okay but i get the couch next time, fair?”

“Yeah whatever”

The smile on his face made your heart skip a beat

It was only a moment but seeing him smile was a breath of fresh air

The next morning came hinata came to wake you up

“Hey, im gonna go out for a little bit but i want you to stay here. Dont worry about work, i already called daichi so feel free to do whatever. I’ll also stop by your apartment and pick up some clothes, okay?”

You nodded your head, still half asleep from just being woken up

“Have a good day, Sho-chan”

And just like that you were asleep again

Hinatas heart squeezed at the use of his childhood nickname

He pulled the blanket up on you before leaving for the day

A little while later you woke up, still not having any clothes except the oversized tshirt and your clothes from the day before

You walked out of his room and looked around his apartment

It was pretty bare, you didnt have much time to take it in yesterday

The fridge was no better, you werent even sure how he made a meal yesterday it was filled with nothing but ketchup and water

The pantry wasnt much better. All it had was dried pasta, rice, and cereal that may be a little stale

You definitely were going to make him go grocery shopping with you

Hinata came back a few hours later with some of your stuff

You got dressed and when you came back out you put on your shoes and stood by the door

“Lets go hinata! You have no food and i am not going to let you starve yourself, or me for that matter.”

He was hesitant

“I can go get stuff, you should stay here”

“But i want to go too. Plus if im going to be staying here then id like to be able to pick out the things i want”

Hinata mulled it over in his head and finally decided to give in

“Fine but dont leave my side, okay?”

You nodded your head

“Okay, and i promise not to get in your way either”

You had a cheeky smile on your face to which he just rolled his eyes

“Whatever lets go”

Once the both of you got there you grabbed a basket and started walking up and down the aisles grabbing what you needed and maybe a few things you just wanted

“Put the chocolate back”

“Hmm no!”

You let out a little laugh and though you didnt see it, hinata had a soft smile that he only wore around you

It almost seemed normal, the time you spent with hinata

Besides the fact you were hiding out in his apartment from a man who supposedly wants you dead

But other than that living with hinata wasnt that bad

You insisted on sleeping on the couch every other night and there wasnt anything hinata could do about it

You both made dinner together, watched tv, you even made him do arts and crafts

“You take the bed tonight y/n”

You stood in the doorway of his room looking back at him as he set up the couch

“Hinata...do you maybe want to sleep with me tonight?”

He froze in his place and looked up at you with tinted cheeks

“Wha-what?”

You were confused before realizing what he was thinking

“No you idiot! I meant sleep as in sleep sleep! I just thought that the bed was big enough for the both of us but if you arent comfortable...”

“No no! Thats completely fine with me”

Your heart beat fast as you both got comfortable under the covers

It was almost laughable how uncomfortable and awkward you both were being about this

Both of you about to fall off the sides because neither of you wanted to take up too much space

“This is ridiculous”

You finally turned over and looked at hinata who craned his neck around to see what you were doing

“Stop being weird! We’ve been living together for what, almost a month now, and we’re still awkward around each other? You better get away from the edge of that bed and get comfortable hinata!”

He slowly turned around and now the two of you were facing each other

The silence between the two of you was there but comfortable

“Thank you hinata”

“For what?”

“For looking out for me even when I didnt know who you were. And for still protecting me when you really dont have anything..to gain..from it”

Your words became slower and slower as you drifted off to sleep

Hinata let out a deep breathe

“Youre so much more important than you realize y/n”

Sooner or later the both of you fell asleep

Hinata was the first one to wake up

He went to stretch but stopped once he realized the mess he was in

There you two were

In the bed

Legs and arms tangled together

You laid close to his chest, arms wrapped around him while one of his arms was trapped under you and the other originally draped around you but now trying to figure out how to move without waking you up

Your sleeping face was so cute in his eyes

His free hand came down and brushed against your cheek

You stirred his heart so much and yet you had no idea

‘Nothing to gain’ is what you said last night

But hinata saw it the other way

He had everything to gain and nothing to lose

You were everything he dreamed he could have had

Everything he dreamed that could have been

But like he said earlier

Every dream has to end

And as soon as he walked into his office today he knew the dream was over

“Theres my boy! Hinata come here!”

Mr sawamura was waiting for him

Guess he was done waiting for you to show up

“Now, wheres your friend, Sho-chan?”

His heart could have stopped hearing him use your nickname for him

“I dont know what youre talking about”

“Dont be like that hinata, especially to the man that raised you”

There was a small bite in his tone that put hinata back in his place

When hinata finally looked back up he finally noticed that something was wrong

In the room they were in it was only the two of them

No bodyguards to be seen

The realization hit him like a train, almost taking his breath away

“Move an inch and ill kill them”

Hinata couldnt decide what was the right thing to do

Just thinking that you could already be in that mans possession

Or maybe even…

No he couldnt think about that

He cant afford to spiral right now

“What do you want”

The man leaned against hinatas desk

“I just want my boy back. Youre one of my best and you know that hinata. So knowing that, i cant afford to lose you to some whore you just happened to meet as a kid.”

Mr sawamura approached him and hugged him, whispering into his ear

“I’ll finish what i didnt all those years ago if i have to. So be a good boy and maybe ill treat them nice”

His heart felt like it had stopped after that cruel man left the room

His hands were shaking out of the pure terror of you being hurt

Where were you

The question shook his very body

Its what got him running

And when he got back to his apartment he felt like screaming

His apartment had been turned completely upside down

There was definitely a struggle

The steady and quiet life the two of you had been living had officially been shattered

If you hadnt remembered it wouldnt hurt this bad

You wouldnt have gotten close to him

And his heart wouldnt be hurting as much as it did right in this moment

But despite the throb in his chest he knew he didnt have time to be freaking out

He needed a plan

He needed help

The day was still young so he immediately ran back into the office and ran straight to daichis office

Hinata threw the door open which scared everyone in there

Before him was suga, daichi, and asahi

Three people he would trust with his life

Hinata was tired, emotionally drained, and out of breath but he spared no time in his request

“Please daichi, please help me save y/n. Im begging you, please help me”

Hinata was on his knees bowing on the ground, something that shocked the three seniors

None of them had ever seen hinata like this, especially daichi

Every time daichi ever saw him growing up he was always aloof and seemed almost disinterested in everything

It was almost like he was broken

And that once broken and hurt boy was now in front of him begging for his help with tears running down his face in a desperate attempt to save you

He knew his father didnt treat hinata the best growing up

And hes always regretted not doing anything about it

“I’ll help you hinata. What do you need us to do?”

Hinata looked up and thanked him a million times before getting into it with all of them

They all listened to his plan and by the end of it they only had one question left

“So what are you planning to do once this is all over?”

Hinata starred at daichi with a resolve that shook his very core

“I plan to leave this life and live a normal and happy life with y/n. I love them and i dont know if they even see me like that but i dont want to live like this anymore and i dont want them to be trapped in this life either. So should they accept my offer ill be leaving with them”

Daichi was left speechless, it was suga who spoke for him

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, hinata. We support your decision”

Hinata nodded his head

“Great, i was going to leave either way, blessing or not, so its good that you are okay with it. We’ll go tonight. I’ll see the three of you there”

After hinata left daichi and asahi both looked at suga, both with a ‘whyd you say that its was okay’ look on their face

“What? Its obvious that he has no intentions of ever working in the mafia again and if we forced him to he’ll either try to run or would attempt what hes doing now with daichis father”

They both nodded along to sugas explanation

“So in short, youre saying that hes entirely useless to the mafia now”

“Precisely, so might as well help him and then wish him farewell”

Daichi let out a deep breath and shook his head

“Calculating as ever suga”

“Just doing my job daichi”

Night soon came and it was time

Daichi, suga, asahi, and hinata met outside of the sawamura estate

The place sent chills down hinatas back just thinking about this place

He swore hed never step foot inside it again

But he needed you, he needed to make sure you were okay

And that was more important than any of his fears

Hinata pulled out a map of the house and showed it to all of them

“This is the entirety of the sawamura estate. We are here and y/n is probably here”

Daichis eyebrows furrowed at the spot hinata was pointing at

“Ive never seen this area before. Are you sure this map is accurate?”

“Im sure. The only reason you didnt know about it is because its only used when your dad wants to hide something or someone. Obviously it worked if even you didnt know about it”

“Then how do you know about it?”

A light chuckle came out of hinatas mouth

“Ever notice that i wasnt around the house for a few days and then suddenly appeared beaten and bruised?”

An awkward silence fell upon them as hinata rolled up the map

Daichi finally broke it

“Dad always had at least three guards with him at all times with around fifteen posted outside on the perimeter. They change shifts in about ten minutes and during that time we can get in. hinata, you go for y/n. We’ll deal with any problems along the way. Everyone understand?”

Everyone nodded their heads but hinata couldnt help but feel his heart racing

He didnt want to see if anythings been done to you

He was shaking at the thought and this didnt go unnoticed by asahi

“You got this hinata, y/ns waiting for you so clear your head and do anything and everything you can to save them”

He rubbed his back to try and help soothe his nerves

“Right”

On their way in they didnt have too many problems

Suga and asahi had to separate to deal with some of the personnel that had found them

And daichi split in order to cause the guards to follow him and not hinata

So that left hinata to find you alone in the same dark cage that he had been a victim to when he was younger

He ran down the stairs that led to you and what he saw made him want to throw up

“y/n? y/n are you awake?”

He tried to shake your ankle as you laid on the other side

Panic started to rush through him

What if he was too late?

He was hoping that man would have at least kept you alive in hopes to control him but seeing you now made hinata regret not coming sooner

But hope filled him once he saw some movement on your end

Your eyes fluttered open, slowly adjusting to the light

“Hinata?”

He nodded his head furiously

“Yes, yes! Can you move y/n? How are you?”

You shook your head as you pushed yourself up

“I think so”

He nodded his head as he undid the lock

He helped you up from the ground and was thanking the universe that nothing too bad was done to you

And right as he thought that maybe he could get you out without seeing anyone the last person he wanted to see was waiting for him at the exit

“How nice of you to visit hinata, how long has it been since youve been here?”

Hinata pushed you behind him and held onto your hand

“Dont get so defensive hinata! Its not like i was going to kill them”

“Youre still a monster”

“I mean youre right but its not like i like to be called that. Anyways im not letting you leave”

Some men surrounded you guys and you didnt know what you could do in this situation besides rely on hinata

But even he looked a bit nervous

“Get them”

Hinata was prepared for the worst of it

No way in hell would he let them touch you

But before they could even move in on the two of you a gun could be heard cocking

“Now now everyone! Lets not get hasty. That being said, if anyone moves ill put a bullet through mr sawamuras head”

Suga, asahi, and daichi had all arrived and suga wasted no time getting to the point of the matter

Daichi was the next to speak

“Hinata, get y/n out of here and...have a good life”

There was a sad smile on daichis face as hinata dragged you out of that house

Hinata brought you back to your apartment

You could tell that someone had been here, things were knocked over and in disarray

“It was like this when i came a couple months ago when you started living with me”

Had you really been a target for that long?

You never knew

Hinata sat you down on your couch and took your hands in his

“y/n that man will never stop looking for you, once he sees something of value he’ll clutch onto it for as long as he can. So i want you to run away with me. And if not with me, then you can go by yourself and ill do everything i can to make sure youll live comfortably. But either way please leave this country and start your life again”

His hands were shaking as he held yours

The last couple months had been crazy

At first this man in front of you acted like he wanted nothing to do with you

But as you got to know him and as you regained your memories of him, you learned that he was serious yet could be goofy when he wanted, easily flustered at the slightest touch, that he was a worrywart. But most of all, he was still the kind and gentle kid that you found on a fateful rainy day.

You knew hes done some probably not so great things

But you wanted to believe in the man that you knew

So you gave his hands a gentle squeeze back

“Hinata after spending these last few months with you ive gotten to know you and just how amazing of a man you are. I love you and would love to run away with you”

It was like hearing those words made every remaining wall hinata had built around his heart finally came crumbling down

A few tears ran down his cheeks hearing those words

Love

It was a foreign concept to him

But you...the kindness you had showed him all those years ago had given him an idea at what it could be

To him, love was warmth

It made his heart pound and squeeze and ache

It made him go crazy

But most of all to him love was the very idea of you

“I love you too y/n”

And with that he finally got to do what hes been wanting to do for a while

A single kiss made it feel like he’d been forgiven for everything hes done

And it gave him hope that he could become the man you deserved

The life you two were about to create would have its ups and downs

But he knew he could do anything as long as you were by his side

[sleepingvalley]

Futakuchi Kenji Brainrot Angst

Warning: Sad, Angst, and sad

Characters: Futakuhi Kenji, Kanji Koganegawa, Aone Takanobu, You

The sun takes a gander at you and your lover in bed. What a rude awakening it brings you. Rolling over to the opposite side of the small bed, kenji groans at the shift of the bed but once the sweet comforting weight is placed back, his annoyance turns into hums. "Ugh...what time is it..." "We're late" your chuckle is accomodated with light slaps to his cheeks. A friday such as this was much more appreciated with a quick day at school and some street candy afterwards. As the monotone pur of the microwave heats up your bentos, kenji reaches for you in the kitchen. "I dont have practice today, wanna go to the arcade later?" he struggles to open his eyes, however opening his eyes to you was never an unrewarded task really. His perfect match, you were. Your perfect match, he was.

Almost in synchrony both of you get ready. Opposite coloured mugs,pastel green and pink, of your chosen drinks. His a dark brew of coffee, yours a light cup of tea. Footsteps in harmony, a piano and violin accompaniment, towards the shower. Once both of you finish drying, you climb on top of your boyfriend's shoulder while you reach for the blazer at the back. His uniform unhanged from the lower cloth rack. Kenji crouches down, you getting off him, taking both of your shoes from the side. He passes the shoes to you, you passing his bag. "Hey did you charge th-" "Phone" passing your phones before he even finishes. You hurry to the kitchen to lock the gasoline to then reach for the bentos. Wrapping them up in a food cloth, the brunette giant walks to you carrying your bag and other school materials. "I got the lunch this time, burger patties." informing him, him giving you a smirk pulling you out of the apartment by now.

"Lock" "Key." He finishes. With each paired rythmn down the flight of stairs, a beep from his and your phone comes in. "Who was that?" Futakuchi takes a glance at your screen, clear with aone's messages of how late you both were. Always so respectable of course. "Ah shoot, we missed Ms. Hina's lecture again. You know how she gets when we-" " 'Have the audacity to even show up late together' I know I know hahhaha You think she'll get tired of it?" The hazel bowled boy mocks the mentor you two know so well by now, always scolding you two for the double trouble you bring. "Who texted you?" your voice not really striken with any emotion, "Probably aone as well. I'll let him know, we're on our way." he responds and brings his phone a bit closer to himself.

Soon approaching the awfully steep down hill path, you run down with all the resistance to not tumble. Kenji snorting at your silliness, "I hope you fall on your face!" He jokingly tease at you, "Oh yeah? I hope you trip and fall with me!" a fiery glint in your eyes with that mischevious smile he falls for. Running towards you, like the two stupid teens you are. You spin and laugh racing towards the school's backgate.

You remember being so scared the first time he even convinced you to jump. You were just first years then, so young and so scared of the rules, but he didn't care. You were miss careful, dubbed by kenji himself, as you thread carefully to every situation you came accross. You were careful in every decision until you chose to be with your long term boyfriend now.

You were in middle school when you first met him. He was tall for his age, like his best friend aone, but unlike the latter boy he wasn't any sort of a gentle giant. He'd pick on the other team if they even so do something wrong when playing. He was a bit of a bully, he even teased you at one point, nevertheless it didn't make you less in love with him then and now. You remember confessing at graduation, an impulse decision, a decision you accidentally made while your best friend nobu tried to ascertain your feeling for the 1/3 of your friend group. As an asshole does after shamelessly evesdropping on the conversation, kenji obnoxiously comes out and teases you right before he goes...

"Woah I didn't even know how obssessed with me you are! That's soooo crazy, like you. Well I can't leave you disappointed, Humour me. Let's start dating then!"

It even took you a minute or so to understood his bullshit way of just saying he liked you back.

Crawling into class with him, both of you take your seats behind aone's massive frame. You apologize to the frost giant, but your apology was rather piled up at this point.

With the time passing, and the passing of morning bread underneath the table, break time comes where you just apologize to aone for once again covering for the 2/3 of the group. When the free period gives you the time to finally get to your spot, you invite nobu and drag your complaining hazlenut boy there. Nobu sets up the cloths for you to sit on, kenji comes back with the drinks and from chatting with the girls from the other class, and set up the food with ease. When he comes over you smile at him reaching for your drink, "Who was that?" you question but more likely just asking for a question's sake. "Ah the girls were just asking about the next time. Shall we?" he drives the attention back to the food where you all say your prayers.

"Thank you for the food" kenji thanks. "Thank you for the food" You thank. "Thank you for the food" Nobu thanks. "Thank you for the food" Kogane thanks.

Wait kogane? "Oi! Get your own damn food!" The whining boy points to the newly arrived blonde. "But Y/N-chan's food is too good!" "Yeah, obviously, but Y/N's food is also my food so buzz off"

Despite futakuchi's protests, you hand the rice ball over to kogane. You bring out another for your partner to settle his steaming head. A couple of minutes of chatter and aone huffing about the train problem, you suddenly grow a craving for some curry.

"Kenji, curry for dinner later?" he glances over at you, thinks to himself and makes a note on his phone. "Shopping later, then?" almost asking you. With your nod, you two go back to the group's banter.

Curry was somewhat a special dish for both of you even if it didn't seem like much. You still remember both of your awkward demeanors as you met up for your first date. Gosh you both had no sense of fashion. You showed up in an awkward get up, but you would never forget the dumb shirt futakuchi wore to look cool. Sleeveless and all. Considering both of you were only first years back then, all you two could really afford was the family diner near his place. Both of you fidgeting, a cat catching your tongues even when the lady at the front desk was asking you where you two would like to sit. Your faces too hot and too evident of embarrassment to even face each other. It was funny how your fingers fumbled to reach for each other's hand under the table. You mispronounce his name a few times, and his stomach churned at the curry plus milkshake combo he had. Why did he ever think that was a cute idea?

You two seperately thought both of you would surely leave the other because of this. Strangely enough, this dumbass never let you go. Strangely enough, he never let this dumbass go too.

Your hands both linking like cogs, he rests his head on your lap along with kogane sleeping at your shoulder. Sometimes you thought that the blonde boy was just your adopted kid, he synced in with you and your bully-of-a-boyfriend quite nicely. Scrolling through his phone, nobu signs to you about the incoming summer festival plans. You three always going together since you were little. With the gentle giant even being the one to choose which flowers to put in your hair when your mother decorated it. Futakuchi being the one to decide what kind of games the three of you would go to. It was your favorite memory of them.

Yellow tinted stones, loud crowds and jingling of bells, an attention grabbing stall every once in a while. Oh how you loved your second year summer festival with all 3 of them. The same year you first started inviting your boyfriend to sleep over at your place. He hates to admit it but he knew you caught him studying how to dress you in a yakuta the few days before the event. If you hadn't fallen in love with him before that, you surely did afterwards. The day of the festival rolls with you and him even wearing matching clothes, a splash of wonderfully coordinating colours. Kogane was the only one wearing a more casual outfit really. With nobu tracking behind you, all of you climb up the hill nearby for the fireworks. Dazzling into their eyes. The picture of that night bore into your mind while you inform your bestfriend of the plans.

"We should get candied apples too! They're the best treat-" you were interupted by the sudden awakening of the two. "WHAT?! Noooo... Y/N-chan, takoyakis are the best!" "Now I know that's not true because you can't have a festival without the yakisoba..." kenji's annoyed voice ready to start a fight. As the two bicker, you glance over the sweet one agreeing with your sentiment of candied apples.

The bickering, and mundaness of the discussion had left you with a sense of contentment. Ever satisfied to be so young to simply argue over yakisoba and takoyaki. Ever so young to simply discuss curry and festivals. This was the epitomes of your youth. The ever radiant light of the sun always followed the young.

But the sun would not follow you for long. As the overzealous moon grabs one's attention, the same goes for such promiscuous women.

You squeez and stiffen at his collared jersey, a piece of clothing you had once adored and taken care of. Practically clawing out his clothing from the cabinet, you hear his please in the living space. "What the fuck is going on with you? Babe, tell me please" "You, that's whats fucking going on." Clothes and sentimentals being thrown at him from across the room. Your anger high comes down after a bit of screaming and throwing, with your knees giving up sitting you down. "What happened? Tell me..." His eyes were true and his voice was sincere. "I know you're fucking her." it was supposed to be a whisper but it had sounded in the room as a sharp hiss at him. His eyes widen and taking a few steps back he sighs deeply. "I-im...Im sorry..." 'Dont...just leave. Now."

Seeing his way out, his back on display before the creak of the door erases him. He hadn't explained or given you any room to ever doubt what he did. He simply gave up. You knew behind that broad back, he wanted to say something. He wanted to dispute every claim you maid but he had enough dignity to stand back when he needed to. And as that rusty bolted door closes, your highschool love, your youthful memory was simply a memory to look back on now.

[rickriordanfandam]

opinions on riordanverse ; my edition

a lot of people have been doing this so i decided why not right. probably gna lose some followers or smth but anyways. pls respect my opinions! if u disagree, thats fine, but please be polite. unless any of my opinions strikes u as morally wrong then pls point it out to me respectfully. thanks!

- i actually liked drew. im so sorry to everyone who hates her but full offence, why. think about it this way ok, first of all drew became hc because silena died. silena was the traitor, the one who betrayed chb, yet after she died campers celebrated her as a hero? and then drew suddenly has to replace her and live up to idk that legacy she left behind,, when all of a sudden this girl named piper swoops in and takes her place. idk abt u but i wld be salty abt that too. not only that, but as an asian, the chances of drew having faced racism/bullying as a child is pretty high (she studies at brooklyn academy). which means that when she finds out shes a demigod, and arrives at chb where most of the campers are white (this is an assumption btw), she’d obviously be scared of being bullied for her skin color right?? so the first thing she wld do before the campers get to bully her is to bully them before they can do so. (sentence structure here is wack i apologize) ofc this might not even have happened, drew could have had a perfect childhood && was a b1tch for no reason, BUT EVEN THEN HER ROLE AS A BULLY WAS PRETTY VITAL BECAUSE THAT FURTHER SHOWED THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HER AND PIPER,, HIGHLIGHTING PIPER AS A HERO//GOOD CHARACTER,, AND THEREFORE MAKING READERS LIKE PIPER MORE. anyway stop hating on drew please. ALSO WHY IS THIS SO LONGA SDFJHG

- jason isnt bland, the fandom just kinda erased his backstory (thanks to @pjohoo-memes for the phrasing lol)

- reynabeth wouldnt have lasted/would have broken up several times. idk i just see them as two extremely powerful characters who have firm opinions and will definitely clash at some point. in a platonic relationship,, i can see them as really good friends but as lovers? idk i just think theyll break up

- PIPABETH

- i dont really like jercy,, i see them as better friends than lovers. also idt jason and percy were that close..?

- the dam and not my type jokes are srsly cringey and were never funny. ik that seems hypocritical since my username literally makes use of the dam joke but honestly i dont actually like the joke. its not funny to me and has never been funny

- the seven were not best friends. they definitely argued,, and honestly probably werent as close as the fandom makes them seem. like ure dumped with 6 other people, out of which u only know a few. my introverted ass would have jumped off the argo 2 quicker than leo valdez could bomb camp jupiter up. also leo was a dick to frank. so what if frank is bigger sized?? thats not a valid reason to tease him

- the fandom needs to stop hating on octavian while worshipping luke. if u hate luke and u say u hate octavian too, then okay. but if u tell me ure a luke stan but u despise octavian?? imma disagree w u. luke was worse than octavian im sorry. first of all, octavian being a dick was kinda justified. hes been after the praetor position for so long, and everyone keeps saying to “wait for jason” when suddenly this dude, whos a son of NEPTUNE (neptune wasnt liked much by romans), and the camp decides to make him praetor?? dude i would be pissed off big time. and then afterwards, he finds out that greek demigods are real and the dude they made praetor is greek. AND THEN GREEK DEMIGODS COME TO CJ AND ONE OF THEM BOMB IT UP?? octavian has been told all his life that greeks are scum and this dude called leo valdez attacks cj. sure it was an accident, but did octavian know that? no. so it was honestly justified that he was such a salty prick im just saying. also some of yall be hating on octavian for cutting a teddy bear open and thats the funniest shit ive ever heard i swear 

- luke didnt go to elysium

- travis and connor stoll r way too underrated. the two have been head counselors of the hermes cabin since luke was revealed as a traitor, can u imagine the stress? luke, the person they probably looked up to as a brother, betrayed them. and they didnt even have time to process this when they were  thrown the roles of being hcs. that would have been so stressful and i would probably have broken down if i were them. the stoll brothers taking turns to wake up at ungodly hours because a new camper is crying and homesick and terrified, the stoll brothers having to comfort and take care of new campers, having to deal with the amount of people in that cramped space because not enough campers are being claimed fast enough. having to resolve issues between campers in the hermes cabin all the time. the stolls arent just comedic relief, and we need to stop treating them as such

- tratie shldve been canon idc idc

- demigods of the demeter cabin arent talked about enough and i love the fact that meg was demeters kid. like she isnt the child of one of the big three yet shes so powerful.

- we need to hype clarisse up more her character arc was phucking amazing 

- rachel is overhated. sis found out greek gods exist and regularly come down to earth to fuck around and went “ok cool”. queen shit behavior methinks

- the floor 19 crew of mcga is srsly underrated. like do u even remember halfborn gunderson, mallory keen, tj, etc??? bc i feel like we only remember samirah, magnus, alex, and sometimes blitz and hearthstone

- sadie (tkc) was kinda annoying at first. i like her more now tho but i rmb not liking her for a phat while

- tkc and mcga need more love

- carter kane and jason grace arent boring. theyre just really sweet boys who are too good for this world and yes yes yes 

- hazel and frank (especially frank) need to be hyped up more. i hardly ever see anything about them. also yall seem to forget that frank was literally made praetor and that even hecate admired hazel and was willing to fight beside her because of how powerful she was

- frazels age gap is kinda sketch but i still think theyre really cute

- nico definitely had trauma from going to tartarus on his own

- GROVER IS PERCYS BEST FRIEND

- annabeth isnt smarter than leo but neither is leo smarter than annabeth. ive seen a lot of discussions about who is smarter and heres my hot take on it: neither. theyre equally smart, just in different ways. leos a genius mathematically speaking. he has no issues solving math problems meant for people much, much older than him. annabeth on the otherhand, is great at strategies etc. she can make an army of 1000 more powerful than the enemy, even if theyre outnumbered. so in my opinion, both are equally as smart//u cant compare their intelligence, because their talents lie in two different areas.

- while i do agree rick riordan isnt a god and that hes bound to make mistakes,, AND that hes given us a lot of representation,, if the representation offends the people its sposed to represent, then theres a problem. im talking about piper as a poc and wearing feathers in her hair. im not a poc, so i cant speak for them on whether or not its wrong, because i dont know either. HOWEVER, i have seen multiple posts BY pocs talking about how they didnt really like rick’s representation of piper, and thats an issue. pocs have been and are still oppressed and discriminated against by many. as a white cis man, we cant really blame him for not knowing (tho he could have done a research,, asked some pocs,, idk), but by representing pocs in that manner, hes influencing impressionable kids/teens into thinking “oh pocs wear feathers in their hair all the time” etc, which isnt true. the pjo/hoo series is extremely successful, and kids who read the books will probably start forming inaccurate opinions on pocs. the amount of fan art that depicts piper with feathers in her hair dont help either. “but rick said so in the books, so its canon” yeah well rick isnt a god and he can get some things wrong at times. im not saying we should cancel him, im saying we should start educating ourselves and not spread false info like pocs wearing feathers in their hair all the time. also that snake song shit where she sang Summertime was just- yeah. bc heres the thing you can be racist, and still include minorities, but portray them in a racist way. And even then, ignorance isn't a thing to admire. Getting those facts wrong still has a major impact. It continues to perpetuate racist stereotypes.

“ With the feather thing, I looked it up myself; it takes less than five minutes to figure out that Cherokees don't braid feathers into their hair. I didn't grow up in the country where my parents are from. I have many other first/second generation American friends who have also been through that, with a bit of a disconnect from their culture. But something that most of us have in common is that when we didn't know something, and when our parents weren't that big of a help, we looked it up. We sought out resources online and through other people from our culture to be able to connect more with where we came from. Some of that took a Google search. So I find it hard to believe that Piper, a girl who Rick's trying to portray as someone who is attempting to connect with her culture and is totally against racist stereotypes, wouldn't know that eagle feathers aren't supposed to be braided into your hair casually. She may be disconnected from her culture, but she's also shown to want to connect back to it. Piper wouldn't be casually braiding feathers into her hair while also telling off people for being racist. It makes no sense.” - reddit thread (down below) 

for those of yall who wanna know more please please read this, it has a lot of things i wanna add in here : https://www.reddit.com/r/camphalfblood/comments/gy3gl2/piper_mcleans_portrayal_is_innacurate/ 

as well as https://finding-my-culture.tumblr.com/post/189422373260/maxie-ratties-and-cattie-finding-my-culture 

i will be posting screenshots of these in future posts so if ure viewing this on ig and u dont have tumblr,, dont worry 

- the fact that most of the strong female characters in the series refuse to be “girly”, and ngl i dont really like that. just because ure girly doesnt mean u cant be strong. 

- piper would have been a great way for him to start making the strong characters act girlier, but instead he went with the “I’m not like other girls” trope which is quite obnoxious to hear constantly, and I don’t think it’s necessarily great for younger girls to read that idea growing up.  the closest we've ever had to a strong female character who was also into "girly" things was Silena. when I was younger I admired Piper's "I'm not like other girls" thing, but then I got older and realized that the whole mentality of "not like other girls" is super obnoxious, and a little bit toxic

i have a heck load more that i cant rmb rn but yeah feel free to add more 

[onegayastronaut]

A Shooting Star (Carol Danvers x Reader)

Requested by anon: well if you're in an angsty mood give me all the Carol x reader angst, I dont care what exactly it is about...just hurt us all

Words: 2010

Something that both you and Carol had in common was the fact that both of you liked adventure, and you seemed to always find yourself in a tight spot. Being an agent of SHIELD meant that you got to see things that were usually hidden to the public. What you didn’t count on when you signed up was the fact that you came into direct contact with the Avengers. They were all so amazing, but Carol Danvers was the one who had your heart. Ever since she had shown up at the SHIELD base, the two of you had gotten along right away. It didn’t take long for her to ask you out on a date, and the rest was history.

At first, things seemed to be going great. Everything from fighting Thanos together to facing various other threats side by side, the two of you made an amazing team. But after the threats on Earth were dealt with, Carol went out to deal with hostile aliens who might pose a danger to innocent people from different galaxies. There were times when you wouldn’t see her for weeks, or sometimes even months. Even though you felt extremely lonely, you reasoned that was part of dating an Avenger.

After a rather long campaign at the other end of the galaxy, Carol was finally back home by your side. You had missed her a lot, but the important thing was the fact that she was back with you. Nothing else mattered as you were sprawled out on top of her, listening to her heartbeat and having her arms around you. Even though Carol would never say this out loud, she loved it whenever you were on top of her as she got to stroke your hair.

“Ready to go to work tomorrow?” You could hear the smirk in your girlfriend’s voice, but all you managed to do was to give an extended moan. Even though you loved your job, all you wanted to do was to stay in bed with Carol. “At least we will be going together.” You nodded slightly as your eyes remained closed.

You didn’t know when exactly you fell asleep, but the smell of bacon and burnt waffles definitely woke you up. As you sat up in bed, a small furry mass jumped onto the bed signalling the arrival of Goose. As you stroked him between his shoulder blades, you whispered, “I think she burned the waffles again.” Goose meowed in agreement, and Carol chose this moment to jump into the room carrying a tray.

“Did I hear you two discussing my culinary skills again?”

“Or lack thereof.” You cackled as you tried to avoid the bits of food being thrown at you. “Come on, let’s see how everything turned out this time.” You picked at the food and offered a piece to Goose, who turned away and jumped off the bed.

“Rude little shit,” Carol climbed on top of the bed. You too this time to help yourself to a piece of bacon and gave Goose a piece when he let out a whine. It was a bit overcooked, but you liked it a lot anyway. Everything seemed better when Carol was right there with you. Everything seemed right.

The thing that you loved most about driving to work with Carol was that she loved holding hands with you while driving. Even though she could have flown to the Avengers base in a fraction of the time it took to drive there, Carol always insisted on driving with you. This way, the two of you got to spend more time with each other. Besides, her hair looked a lot better when the two of you got there.

Once you got to the Avengers compound, Tony was there to greet you as usual. He had been experimenting with some new drones he had been working on, and they had picked up images of your car from several miles away. He pulled you into a bear hug, and Thor came running along so he could playfully pick you up.

“How is my favorite short agent doing? Better now that your space girl is back, huh?” Thor gave you a cheeky wink before skipping off to avoid the punches both you and Carol threw at him.

“I’m sure (Y/N) is having a good time now that Carol is back. Now let’s get inside and find out why now that Carol is back. Now let’s get inside and find out why we’re all here. Doctor Strange and the ragtag group of ‘Guardians’ claim that they’ve found something that warrants our attention.”

You didn’t like the way Tony said that there was something that needed your attention, but you made your way towards the building anyway with Carol holding your hand. Hopefully, whatever it was, the two of you could be together.

When you entered the main room, you saw Doctor Strange and the Guardians already gathered there. Strange gave you a curt nod. He saw you as an equally intelligent individual, which was a rare find. The Guardians, on the other hand, saw you as a close friend and confidant considering your openness to bending the rules. However, the look on their faces did not bode good news, and this was only confirmed when they presented what they found. A species of advanced aliens had found the presence of Earth and were making their way towards the planet. It seemed to be a job only fit for the Avengers, and everyone looked ready to go take care of the problem.

As each Avenger went to their own room on the compound to prepare for the upcoming mission, you went with Carol to help her get ready for the missions ahead. Not being an Avenger, your job was to stay here on Earth and provide backup on the off chance that the Avengers would fail. However, not that Captain Marvel herself was on the team, any alien who would mean her harm didn’t stand a chance. As you helped Carol with her outfit, she reached over to stroke your face.

“Babe, what’s wrong?”

“It’s just that…you’ll be going out again, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you again.”

“I’ll come back as soon as I can. I know you miss me whenever I’m gone, but people out there need me. And your support means the world to me.” Carol took your hand and kissed it. She could be so damn charming whenever you were unhappy, and that was one of the many reasons why you loved her.

—–

The Avengers had come and gone with their mission, and most of them had come back to hang out on the base. You have only seen Carol through the screens when she was able to check in, but even those interactions were becoming fewer and farther between. There were no words to describe how much you wanted your girlfriend to come back, but you knew that she was needed in different parts of the universe, and you didn’t want to be selfish. Both Steve and Natasha had offered to keep you company, but you just weren’t in the mood.

But with every night that passed without any sign of Carol, it was getting harder and harder to not be selfish. Sitting on the porch, you looked up at the stars that littered the sky. You looked down back on your lap with your jaw clenched. On any other night, you would have marveled at the fact that the light from these stars traveled light years in order to bring their light to you. But you couldn’t bring yourself to see how beautiful the night sky was tonight. Every time you looked up, you wanted to see a streak of light that signaled Carol coming back home. You had faithfully sat on this porch for months in the exact same spot, with the same result each night. Maybe everyone else was right, only a crazy person does the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.

Standing up, you made your way back inside. You loved Carol, there was no point in arguing about that. But you couldn’t spend your life sitting on the porch waiting for her to come back from some planet on the other end of the galaxy. There was no doubt in your mind that Carol loved you back, but if that were true, she wouldn’t be abandoning you for months on end. A few tears had found their way down your cheeks, and you wiped them away before you actually cried. There was no point in crying when it wouldn’t help make you feel better. Just as you turned on your faucet to wash your dishes, you heard a heavy thud which could only mean one thing: Carol was back.

The door creaked open, and Carol’s voice carried all around the house. “Babe, I’m home!”

You came out to meet her, and you hurriedly wiped off the tears from your face. “Hey.” You hated how your voice shook as you talked.

“I thought Goose might have gotten the better of you when I didn’t see anybody on the front porch.” Her attempt at a joking tone fell flat as you didn’t laugh. There was an awkward silence between you, and Carol finally broke it when she said, “Babe, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Carol frowned as she stepped closer to you. “It’s not ‘nothing’, (Y/N). What’s going on?” She moved to hold your hand, but you drew your hands away from her.

“I wasn’t waiting out on the porch for you because I’m tired of waiting for you to come back.”

“What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

“I’m talking about waiting for months on end to see you. I’m talking about waiting out on that porch every single night hoping to see you come back. I’m tired of being alone, of worrying about you knowing damn well that I can’t do anything to help you.”

“You know how important being an Avenger is to me. And I thought that you were okay with me going out on missions. Not every planet has a team of Avengers out to protect them. I thought you would be supportive of me.”

“I know that, but I can’t help but think it would have been best if we had never met. Because then I wouldn’t always be worried about you whenever you’re gone saving people on the other end of the universe.” You could see the hurt on Carol’s face, but you couldn’t bring yourself to apologize, at least not now. You knew you would hate yourself later on in the night, but all you could feel right now was the anger and frustration that you’ve bottled up burning a hole in your stomach.

You knew that what you had said hurt Carol, and you couldn’t bring yourself to face her. The door slammed shut behind you, and you couldn’t help the sinking feeling in your gut that this time, you were truly alone. It didn’t take long for Carol to follow you out into the cold, and she put her leather jacket over your shoulders so you would stop shivering.

“I’m really sorry for not asking you how you felt about me going out on these missions. Being an Avenger is a very important part of my life, but none of what I do would be worth it if I don’t have you. I might be the strongest Avenger, but I’m only strong if I have you by my side.” Carol took your hand, and she gave you a little smile when you laced your fingers together.

“I just miss you so much.” You mumbled.

“I miss you too.” Carol took this moment to hug you, and you put your head on her shoulder. It would take a lot of work to make everything feel okay, but that was part of the job description when you were in love with an Avenger.

[canadiankazz]

The Ninth Time - An L.A. by Night Fanfic

This was written directly in response to Season 2 Episode 2 “Eye for an Eye.” I decided the events at the Grove also happened in my "Feeds From" Alternative Universe, wherein Jasper has been feeding from Annabelle for some time now and they have developed a Blood Bond. Assume that the Grove Incident more or less how it did in the game, but with a different ending to suit my needs and the needs of my loyal readers and new readers alike.

SPOILERS for the end of Campaign 1, the one-shots, and up to an including Episode 2 of Season 2. This was written before the author saw Episode 5 of Season 2. It’s obviously worth reading the rest of the "Feeds From" series before this part. 

The Entire ‘Feeds From’ Master List Can be Found Here

I lay no claim to owning any of the characters involved.

I felt like we came teasingly close to something like the beginning of this fic series of mine happening at the end of "Eye for an Eye." Though Jasper told Annabelle "no" in the episode, in this AU, things would have gone a little differently.

Thank you to everyone who had enjoyed this series. Thank you always to @cravatfiend and @gokaiyellow for their love and support.

Also posted to the author’s Ao3.

First Posted Feb. 26, 2019.

The Ninth Time

It had been a hell of a night. Jasper was still reeling from everything. X, ghosts, Tremere, the Grove, Marcos, fire, decapitation...

He wasn't sure which was worse, the physical pain from his injuries, or his Beast gnashing and clawing at his insides in silent rage. He had over taxed his body tonight, and was going to be paying for it for several nights to come. It was worth it, he told himself. The Tremere were safe. Annabelle was safe. It was worth it. It was worth it.

Annabelle had offered to help him when he told her he was leaving the club's basement to go home to do what he could to fix himself. He had eyed the others in the room. His and Annabelle's relationship had been successfully kept secret from the rest of the coterie and the world at large so far. He knew she was worried about him. He didn't need a Blood Bond to tell him that. At the same time, however, he didn't want to risk anyone finding out, so he had told her no, there was nothing he would have her do.

And so he left without her, and made his way home via the sewers.

Jasper's phone rang. It was Baron Abrams' number. Jasper snarled to himself, preparing for an uncomfortable discussion. Abrams was very likely aware of what had happened at the Grove by now. Jasper answered it, holding the phone up to his non-burned side. “Hello?”

The connection was a little choppy. Phone signal was sometimes difficult in the sewers and tunnels. “Jasper? I can barely hear you. Where are you?” Issac Abrams asked.

“My apologies. I am underground at the moment, sir.”

“Ah. I am aware of what happened at the Grove. Victor called me. Also... I have seen the web video he posted.”

Jasper growled. Damn Victor and his stupid live stream. “Things did, unfortunately, get a little out of control.”

“... Are you alright? You sound rough.”

“I was injured in the events. I'll be fine.” He sure as hell didn't look or feel fine, but he wasn't telling the Baron about that.

“Well, I'm glad you'll live. I'm not calling to shout at you about that. I'm going to pay Victor a visit tomorrow night.”

Jasper grinned. He hoped he would be there for that.

“No, I'm calling about the individual I sent to you,” Abrams said.

Jasper had also been expecting something like this. The Ivory Tower were moving in and he had a prisoner who belonged to them in the cage in his sanctum. In particular, he had Chaz Price as his prisoner. He had only been there for a few months, but it had been a very busy few months. It had brought Jasper a lot of sadistic joy having Chaz to torment, but it had meant that Annabelle was unable to visit him at his sanctum. She didn't know about Chaz, and Nelli certainly didn't know either.

“Yes?”

“Vanovar has negotiated for a prisoner swap. He tried to go back on it, but I'm holding him to it. Mr. Price is going to be removed from your safekeeping.”

“Who of ours did they have prisoner?”

“That is not something I can divulge with you, Jasper. Can you have Mr. Price prepared for transport in the next hour?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I will send a team to pick him up in one hour. We will talk more later about what happened at the Grove tomorrow night. I'm not at all happy, Jasper.”

“Nor should you be,” Jasper agreed.

Abrams hung up. Jasper put his phone away.

Well, this did change things. Part of him was a little disappointed to lose Chaz, but a more overwhelming part of him was glad. Soon Annabelle could visit him at home again. It meant he had to get a move on through. He couldn't stop and rest yet, as badly as his body and soul was crying out for it.

Jasper was in an awful lot of pain. He had been shot, and he knew he had torn, bruised or otherwise pulled almost every muscle and tendon in his arms and shoulders. As bad as that was, however, it paled in comparison to the pain of the burn Kyoko the Tremere had accidentally given him. His skin on the left side of his face was black and scorched, from nose to ear and scalp down his neck almost to his shoulder. It had missed his eye by millimetres. Every facial expression hurt. He wasn't angry at Kyoko, but only because she had been overly apologetic about it and he had made a promise to Eva to make sure the Wyrd Sisters came to no harm. Jasper was beyond exhausted, but he had to push himself, just a little more. Then he could rest, and be ready for whatever chaos would happen due to his actions at the Grove that night.

As soon as Jasper got into his sanctum, he made a bee line for his cage. Chaz was sitting with his back against the bars. He glanced at Jasper when he came in and did a double-take. “Good Lord!”

“Hi, Chaz.” Jasper grinned and growled. “I have good news.”

Chaz got to his feet, eyeing Jasper. “Well, seeing as it appears you've come face-to-face with one of the banes, I would consider that good news already! It's only disappointing they didn't finish the job properly,” he sneered.

“Ha,” Jasper said dryly. “Yes. There was an unfortunate accident tonight, but that's not the good news.”

Chaz arched a perfect Toreador eyebrow at him. “Then what, pray tell, is the good news?”

Jasper grabbed at him. He had enough energy left to catch him, though he tore Chaz's shirt again as he struggled to escape. Jasper didn't care. He bit down hard into Chaz's arm, ignoring the hiss of pain and protest. He drained enough to weaken his prisoner and stifle his own Beast for the time being. Then he grabbed the stake he kept close by and, while Chaz was still recovering, plunged it into his chest. Chaz's face became frozen in a sneer of rage and pain. Jasper unlocked the cell and painfully dragged his body out. He secured a black pillow case over Chaz's head for good measure and tied his arms behind his back with zip ties. He was not at all delicate in dragging Chaz up the tunnels that lead out to his front door and was quite happy to turn it over to Abrams' men when they arrived. Jasper returned to his now quiet sanctum and smiled. Already, things felt more peaceful.

He texted Annabelle in their private chat. “I know what I said before, but I was just covering because of the others in the room. Can you come over?”

It took her a little while to reply. “To your place? What about your GUEST?”

Jasper smirked at her capitalisation. “The guest has been removed. Abrams has taken him away.”

“Good,” she replied. “I'd love to come over, but I can't leave. There's a massive crowd outside because of the live stream.”

Jasper snarled to himself. He didn't want to have to go all the way back to the club to get her, but she didn't know the tunnels like he did. “I'll come back and get you. We'll go the back way,” he texted.

“Through the... thing?”

“No. We'll skirt the edge of it.”

“Okay. I'll make an excuse to Victor. See you in a bit.”

Just before he put his phone away, he noticed a single heart emoji she had sent him.

Walking all the way back to Club Maharajah seemed to take forever. He tried to heal as he went. He knew that the burn would take a long time to go away, but he could at least do something about the ache in his arms. He felt incredibly weary and brain dead. He just wanted to lie down and let everything stop for a little while. Soon, soon he could, and even better, soon Annabelle would be by his side again.

He texted Annabelle when he got to the secret door that led to Victor's basement and waited for Annabelle to appear. He had a few minutes to wait, but eventually, Annabelle crept out and joined him in the tunnels. She looked at him with a mixture of sadness, relief and fear, taking in his burns once again. “Oh, Jasper...” she sighed. She put her arms around him and hugged him gently.

“I'll be alright,” he assured her softly as they pulled away from their hug. He sounded exhausted. “I want to go home though.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let's get you home,” she agreed.

He started back down the tunnels with her. Annabelle held his hand as they walked. Neither of them noticed the rat hiding in the shadows of the tunnel, watching them carefully. It followed them down the passage, making sure to keep far enough away to remain unnoticed, but close enough to see and hear them.

“So... what the hell happened in that stairwell?” Annabelle demanded after a minute.

Jasper sighed. “Well... the Wyrd Sisters were stopped half way down by police, who were shooting at them. I jumped down the stairs to protect them and I knocked out the cops. Little did I know that the Tremere were preparing a spell, and it hit me instead of the cops.”

Annabelle's eyes went very wide. “You mean they cast fireball?!”

“Yup. And it hit me right in the face.”

“Oh, my God... did you know they could do that?”

“Nope.”

“Did you kill the police?”

“I don’t know. I tried not to.”

“And what happened then?”

“I Frenzied. I ran. I panicked... I'm lucky I stopped before I ran out into the parking lot.”

Annabelle squeezed his hand. “I felt like you were in trouble. I was so afraid when I saw that Sheriff guy outside the door... I just ran at him. I tried to stake him.”

“Yeah. I saw the stake. It was a good thought Annabelle, but your aim was a little off.” He was so proud of her. “You are so strong.”

“And then you jumped out and...”

“...and I cut his head off. Yeah.”

“The look on his face was priceless! He never saw you coming.” Annabelle let out a little sigh, trying not to smell the sewage as they passed. “We're going to be in big trouble for that, aren't we?” It wasn't really a question. Annabelle knew enough about the political climate to know that there would be major consequences.

Jasper shrugged with a little wince. “I'll be in trouble. You'll be fine.”

“I won't let them hurt you,” she vowed.

“I don't know if you could stop them if they really tired, but... I appreciate it, Annabelle.”

They continued walking. He could tell that Annabelle was upset. She was also still a little hurt from being thrown into a smart car, but she was far better off than he was.

“I'm glad that your prisoner is gone,” she said softly as they got to the door to his sanctum.

“I am too,” he confessed as he pulled the door open.

The interior of his sanctum had changed little since Annabelle was last there. Jasper heaved the door closed behind her with a sigh. The rat, who had followed them all the way there unnoticed, paused to scratch itself, then it scampered off towards Griffith College.

Inside the sanctum, Annabelle was checking her phone. She groaned. “Damn it, Victor...”

“What?”

“Everyone I know is messaging me about the live stream and the Baby B thing,” Annabelle mumbled as she scrolled her phone. “Shit... people I haven't seen in forever... some people I've been trying to avoid...” She sighed and turned her phone off. “I'm not dealing with any of that right now. I'm here for you.”

“I have something to show you,” Jasper said.

“Yeah?”

He led her through to his bedroom and she smiled when she saw what he had done in there. His tiny single bed was gone. In its place was something closer to a queen size. He also had an end table in there now, near the bed. Both looked cheap and simple, but Annabelle was glad all the same. “Aww, Jasper! You got a real bed!”

“I did, yes, in the hopes you'd eventually be able to come back down here.” He went over to it and sat down with a pained, but relieved sigh.

“It's good.” Annabelle sat next to him and frowned at his burns again. “Will you let me help you now?”

“There's really not a lot you can do.”

“I want to try though.” He looked like he was going to protest and she cut him off. “You're really not in any position to say no, Jasper,” she snapped.

He snarled a little to himself. It was already harder for him to say no to her lately because of their Bond, but when she used that stern tone of voice he found it next to impossible. “Alright.”

“Okay. Thank you.” She softened her voice. “First things first... hoodie off, please.”

He growled.

“Jasper...” she scolded. “Don't make that face at me.”

Reluctantly, he lowered his hood and started to gingerly remove the hoodie. There was burn damage to it as well, and he hissed in pain when the fabric pulled away from where it had stuck to his burned flesh. Annabelle bit her lip as the extent of the damage was released. The skin around the edge of the burn was black, curled and flaking. The flesh visible inside was red and sore. It was bad enough to make Annabelle ignore the fact that Jasper was now sitting there, temporarily naked from the waist up. “Jesus...” she breathed. “That looks bad.”

“It feels worse.”

“Can you take painkillers? Would painkillers even work?”

“No. Can't take any pills, and even if they did work, I don't have any medicines here anyway.”

“So... you just have to deal with the pain?” Annabelle sounded heart broken.

“Yeah.”

Annabelle's lower lip trembled. He could feel her sadness towards him.

“C-can I at least dress the wound?” she offered. “Would that help?”

“No... I think we should leave it. I don't have to worry about infection. I will heal, Annabelle,” he tried to reassure her. He took her hand. “It might take me a few nights, but soon I'll be good as new. Well... new-ish. All I need is blood and time. Thank you though. I know you're trying to help. I'm glad you're here.”

“I can give you blood,” Annabelle said.

“What about your injuries?”

“I'm fine. Just a bruise.” She couldn't help but smile a little. “The car got it worse than me.”

“He could have killed you,” he said softly. “I was incredibly lucky to be able to stop him.”

“I know,” Annabelle said. “When I saw him walking around after you pushed him off the roof, I knew that... attacking him was stupid, but... he was going to...” Her voice broke with emotion as she fought back a few tears. The whole situation had been very intense and now that the adrenaline from it had well and truly faded, other emotions forced their way in.

“You did good, Annabelle,” he assured her. He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb.

She wiped away a blood tear. “I just... I don't want to lose you.”

“I don't want to lose you either. But I'm still here, mostly. You're still here. Everyone we care about or were trying to protect are still here. We've survived to fight another night.”

Annabelle nodded. She went to hug him and suddenly remembered that he was shirtless. She hesitated, looking at his torso. He was pale as death, and in the dim light of the bedroom, his skin looked almost grey. Her eyes were drawn to the black veins that crossed his skin. They made him look like he had some kind if disease from a fantasy novel.

Jasper noticed her hesitation. “I'm going to get another hoodie. I'll be right back.” He got up with a small grimace and headed to his closet. He retrieved one from the tiny hidden room behind a bookcase he kept them in and slipped it on. He hated being exposed. He accepted that he could not change what he looked like, but that didn't mean he had to look at himself. There were very deliberately no mirrors in his sanctum. Jasper left his hood down for now, to avoid having the fabric stick to the burn again. He returned to his bedroom. Annabelle was waiting.

“It's stupid that you don't keep your clothes in your bedroom,” she told him. “If you can get a better bed, you can get a dresser.”

He smirked. “Noted.” He reclined back on his new bed, making sure to keep Annabelle on his non-burned side. He allowed himself a groan and growl of pain. Annabelle leaned against him carefully. He could feel her relaxing gradually.

“I still would like to feed you, if you'd let me,” she mumbled.

“I'm okay.”

Annabelle looked doubtful. “You don't look okay. You look like you're in pain, and if my blood will help with that, then I want to give it to you.”

Jasper was truly too exhausted to argue. He also was in a lot of pain. He wanted to itch at his face and couldn't, so he made a fist instead. He watched as Annabelle pulled one arm out of the sleeve of her jacket, wincing slightly as she did so, and offered him her wrist. He looked from her wrist to her face and back again, still reluctant.

“Please?” Annabelle said. “Just a little bit. Then I'll feel I've helped and I'll stop bothering you about it. You started a war to save my life. It's the least I can do.”

Jasper sighed and gave in. “Alright.” He sat up a little in bed and took Annabelle's hand and arm gently in his hands. He considered her smooth skin for a moment, then bit down gently on her wrist. He was mindful not to damage her tendons. Annabelle gasped and flinched, but forced herself to hold still. It had been a very long time since he had fed on her like this – from the wrist and without her activating Blush of Life first. Her Vitae lacked the potent warmth that he had tasted in her then, but it was still rich and nourishing. He heard Annabelle moan softly through closed lips as the pleasure of the Kiss kicked in. This wasn't an orgasmic bite, but it wasn't intended to be. He spent a few seconds licking gently as her skin as the blood seeped out. He could taste her affection for him as well as her anxieties. She wanted to protect him just as much as he wanted to protect her.

Before long, he licked her wound closed. He hadn't taken much from her as all this time, but she seemed satisfied with his effort all the same.

“Thank you,” he mumbled as he let her arm go.

She surprised him by placing a gentle kiss on the non-burned side of his head, just above his ear and temple. He felt her soft lips and the brush of her hair on his skin. Jasper blinked, but when he glanced at her, she had put her arm back inside her sleeve and snuggled down, hugging him gently around his ribs, as if she hadn't kissed him at all. He knew he hadn't imagined it, but decided he wouldn’t say anything about it if she didn't. She looked nearly as tired as he felt. He relaxed down next to her, resting burned-side up.

“The new bed is good.” Annabelle concluded, sounding sleepy.

“I'm glad you approve. And... until Abrams makes me babysit some other Ivory Tower asshole, you are welcome here any time. Just give me a heads up in case I'm not home.”

“Thank you.”

Annabelle snuggled herself closer, tucking herself gently under his chin. She was very mindful of his burns, careful not to touch them at all. He put a protective arm around her back.

When dawn broke over the city and the morning news reported on the Incident at the Grove, Jasper and Annabelle missed it. They were snug safely in his haven, sleeping the sleep of the dead.

[xiii-jb-46]

I don’t wanna be a princess

A/N: Watching this movie about princess and it gave me an idea. I’ve decided to slightly change it alittle.

Warning: swearing (mildish)

___________________

I looked in the mirror of my house. It was a mansion somewhere in Riverdale. I hated living here and I’ve been living here for only a week. My parents sent me to Riverdale to live as a normal girl untill I was 18. Which is pretty poor decision because I’m 16. I only have two years left, Who knows what they were thinking.

Now I know what you are thinking. Your pribably thinking my parents own a huge company, right? Well your not completely wrong. My parent’s are the biggest mobster in South California. Well technically my dad is, my mother was from another gang you may say is from Toronto. My uncle is boss for that one and our two gangs are very close.

“Y/N it is almost time for school,” My twin brother walks in wearing what he usually wears. Sweater and ripped jeans, “You excited to meet new people and live without the everyone thinking your gonna kill them?” He stood behind me with a smile.

“I didn’t kill him. You did so back off.” I pushed past him making sure to hit him in the process. He always blamed things on me just because I was born first. I was going to take over and I was ready for it. I think.

I got into his black Lamborghini. When I mean got into he basically forced me because he said we don’t walk to school. We arrived at our new school already drawing attention to ourselves.

“I hate you so much. I hope you know that Ryan.”

“I hate you too Y/N.” I got out slamming the door. I looked at my reflection fixing my adidas originals 3 stripped leggings. I looked at my red chill short sweater. I looked okay and I felt okay.

“You look like a whale.” Ryan was leaning against his side of the car.

“Shut up norbit.” I slung my bag on my shoulders and walked in the school. I hated the looks and stares. It made feel pressured to be what how my entire family is. Dangerous and violent.

“Wait up Y/N!” My stupid brother finally caught up and looked down at my maroon timberlands, “You look terribly ugly wearing those.”

“Okay try hard. At least I’m not being someone I’m not, poser.” I walked ahead leaving him. I went into the office and saw the most cutest guy. My heart was bounding so fast just looking at him. His hair fell perfectly on his face. The turtle neck reminded me of my brother but that can be removed. He looked good in those preppy clothes. He smiled and I melted right where I was standing. I could church bells and it was like I had found an angle. It was so perfect until my brother came along.

“Y/N I have your schedule.” I ignored him looking at the cute stranger. “Y/N? Water to whale?” I elbowed him in the stomach. I looked at him and pushed him down.

“Stop calling me a whale you twig.” I wripped my schedule out his hand and punched him in the nose. It isn’t the first time I’ve done it. Thank god no one was paying attention. Blood came down his nose and ran down his lip. He glared at me and stood up.

“You bitch. You wait till I tell father.”

“So what! We all know who he favours!” Now the entire office was looking at us.

“Oh so what! I don’t need his approval!” I didn’t care about the stares anymore.

“You are an idiot and I hope you realise it.” Kneed him in the stomache and left. I cant deal with him or we would end up trying to kill each other.

I walked behind the school and threw sticks at the tree. “Idiot brother! Hope he falls in a sink hole created by mother nature!” I stomped on the stick and screamed.

“You okay?” I lool behind me and saw the cute stranger.

“No my brother really knows how to get on my nerves.” He sits on a bench and I sit next to him.

“Well looks you know how to get on his. He is walking around school with a bleeding nose.” I laugh thinking about it.

“He is always calling me a whale or daddy’s favourite. I never asked for him to favour me. I don’t even want it.” He laughed looking down at me.

“Your cute, princess.” I smiled blushing. My heart raced and I couldn’t believe being here would be a blessing.

The next few weeks were a breeze I became close to the cute stranger who’s name is sweet pea. When I mean close I mean we had an unofficial thing. I became friends with Jughead, Toni, Fangs, Betty and Veronica. Not so much Archie. It felt like he was keeping something to himself and I didn’t like it.

My phone rang and I when I looked at the caller ID I frowned. My brother stared at me weirdly and look down at my phone. “You better answer.” I nod answering the call.

“Hello father.” I said joyfully.

“Hello darling. I’m coming to Riverdale to sort some things out with an old friends.” He hanged up and I knew once he finished things up we would leave and I didn’t want to. I stood up from my couch and walked to my bedroom. What am I going to do? I sighed flopping on my bed.

“Why is it so hard to choose? If I follow my heart I end up captured and dead. If I folloe my mind. I’ll be miserable.” I looked at the roof and watched the fan go around and around.

♤ ______________________ ♧

I was woken up by the sound of laughter and the smell of alchole and cigars. “So soon?” I look outside and see it was completely dark without a trace of any sun light. The moon barely visable in the corner of the window.

I got up and walked out to greet my parents but was surprised by an extra guest.

“Veronica? Archie?” I stared at her in disbelief.

“Y/N!?” She smiled as I took my seat next to Ryan. You would think she would have guessed I was here too if my brother was right here.

“Well this great. Our daughters know each other. We were just discussing about the serpents.” I gulped a little too loud.

“Whats wrong my dear?”

“Oh nothing they can be scary.” I pretend to hug Ryan as if I was scared and hebwould protect me. I heard Veronica’s little giggle.

“Well we were thinking of doing something about those serpents.” No please nothing dangerous.

“They are in the way of bussiness and we need them gone.” Ryan was trying so hard not to tell something and for father’s approval he would spill anything.

“Y/N knows a serpent and he is wrapped aeound her finger!” He burst out. I slapped the back of his head.

“Well this is going well then. You can use him to get him do your bidding and soon you will be in trusted and then from the inside we will crumble them their walls.” I stood up angrily

“No Father! I will not do your bidding for evil. I don’t care if you disown me. I will not break someones trust for you. Especially if I like them.”

“If you don’t, things will not go well for him. He may not even be alive.” His voice was calm without a trace of anger.

“Fine!"I ran up the stairs and cried myself to sleep. The next I didn’t bother with breakfast. I got ready and left for school. Without Ryan. He would just lecture me about how I disobeyed father and how he wouldn’t do that.

Regretfully I used Sweet pea and every night I cried myself to sleep. I can’t do it anymore but I was too deep to tell him. They had trusted me so much it was like I was one of them and by law Serpents never betray their own. My father was a good man but sometimes he could be cruel. My brother hated me deep down but he hid it away.

"Y/N you gonna eat?” I heard Ryan’s voice from the door.

“No. I’m not hungry.” He closed the door. The next day it was raining. I had barely made it inside without my hair getting wet. Veronica rushed to me with a worried look on her face.

“The serpents were suspended. They found out about the statue. They also found out about whag you had been doing Y/N.” I dropped my umbrella and ran to the south side. I didn’t care about the rain or the fact that when I find him. He wont want to see me at all.

Sweet pea was just about to walk in his tralier. “Sweets!” I yelled just 5 meters away. He looked back and walked in. I walked in just before he closed the door.

“What do you want Y/N?”

“To apologize.”

“Why so you can just break that too? I can’t believe you used me Y/N. After all the things I’ve done for you. I can’t believe I actually like you,” I looked down feeling all the regret I did all those nights, “you dont even care do you?”

“I do Sweet pea. I care so-”

“The why would you betray us!”

“Because! My father threaten to kill you! I love you Sweet pea and I didn’t want to see someone I care about die.” He looked at me shocked.

“Princess…”

“I cried every night because I regretted what I was doing. I held your life in my hands and one slip up would cost me. I hated it. I got to the point I regretted meeting you because I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want our unofficial love to end. I-” He grabbed my facd and kissed me on the lips with passion in eyes.

“We will protect you. Even if it means we all die. A serpent is never left to die.” I hugged him crying in his chest. The next few days were rough. My father found me and apologized to Sweet pea because my mother had found out what he did. My mother waa far scarier than my dad. I had told him I don’t want to be a mobster and he felt upset but agreed. My brother got what he wanted and I got what I wanted.

Finally I am at peace.

♤___________________♧

[anotherlipstick]

GOODBYE & HELLO Part IV

I woke up to aching muscles and body. I looked beside me and was surprised to find Becca wasn’t next to me. I managed to get to my feet and walk into the kitchen and was relieved to see coffee already made. I poured myself a cup while noticing the time 3:39 in the morning. I then went into the other room where we had our offices.

I almost dropped my coffee as the entire room was a disaster. My books was all piled on the floor with what appeared to be from the file cabnet, several tables and our laptops was missing, and Becca sitting on the floor taking a sip of coffee with sweat pouring off her.

“Is the coffee good? I wasn’t sure how many scoops you put in.” I took a sip and knew she put way to much coffee in. However, I couldn’t recall when she made coffee before and looking at the room strong coffee is what I’m going to need. “It’s tastes fine. How many scoops did you put in?” “I don’t know… six? I couldn’t sleep so I figured I would get started on this so we can hopefully have our room back tonight. The sooner this is cleared out the sooner we can go see about beds. We should go early to make sure they can be delivered today.

I was shocked as I couldn’t believe she was putting so much effort into this. I set my coffee down and walked over to her. "Okay, let’s do this!”

By the time the kids woke up it was going on eight a clock and the room was cleared out. Not only that we found room to set up our computers and tables in the living room though most of my books would have to go out to the garage.

we got the kids ready and went to get breakfast and then shopping for beds for them. we did have Madison’s key but Becca felt it would be to much trouble to move that stuff back and forth especially once she was released. We ended up purchasing two complete beds with matching nightstands and dressers and they was able to deliver and set everything up by three so we would have plenty of time to visit Madison.

——————————————

Just over a month had gone by since we took in Caleb and Mariah. While they did have a few rough nights they seemed to be doing well. They missed their mom and I couldn’t blame them. We went everyday to visit her when Becca got back from Femsational and sometimes we even would go earlier as well.

They had cut her hair do to the chemotherapy and her skin was heavily flaking but otherwise she seemed like she was going to beat this and that made seeing her in this condition a much better. Becca had bought her a wig that looked great on her and got a lock of her hair in a zip-lock bag that we held for her for safe keeping.

Madison was all smiles as we walked in today. “The doctor said my red blood cell count is a lot better. He wants to wait till after my next chemotherapy treatment and then he said I could probably return home.” “That’s wonderful Madison. I’m so happy to hear that.”

We stayed about an hour before heading home again. She was always so full of energy when we first arrived but she would quickly get tired so we would go and let her rest.

I was a bit sad at the news as I had actually gotten use to the kids being with us. We had both had worked so hard on their room and Becca had even put up comic book Superhero’s and Disney princesses all over it. She really had gone all out in it and it looked amazing.

Was it wrong to feel this way? I wasn’t sure but I felt awfully guilty about it. I had often thought about kids but Becca had said several times she had no such desires. Then out of nowhere two amazing children fall in our lap and Becca’s all for it. Maybe it is because of how much she cares about Madison, but it works.

I looked over and could tell Becca was depressed about the idea of giving them up as well. She had been such a different person the past four weeks but now she was moody and snappy a fair amount of the time.

“Hey it’s okay.” I walked over and gave her a hug as we got ready for bed. “ I’ll miss them too, so you’re not alone in this.” Becca just nodded then got into bed without a word. I decided not to push it we’ll see how things go.

—————————————-

Midnight Maiden started playing waking both me and Becca up. I looked at the clock that read a quarter to five. “Who is it?” Becca asked upset. “I don’t know” I looked at the name that listed initials I didn’t reconize. I decided I better answer it just in case. “Hello”

“Hello I’m calling to speak with either MC or Becca. Is one of them available please?” Said the gentleman on the other line. “This is MC, who is this and what is the reason for this call so early?” “I’m apologize ma'am but I’m calling from General Hospital and we have you listed as an emergency contact for A Ms. Madison Eckhart. "Oh yes! I’m so sorry, what can I do for you? is something wrong?”

Becca had rolled over as if asleep so I hit her leg a few times and she sat up. “I’m afraid Ms. Eckhart suffered two large seizures last night nearly right next to each other…” “Oh my god!” “It was a close call but I am pleased to say we did manage to get her stabilized. We’re not really sure of the cause of the seizers but it’s believed to be a reaction to the antibiotics she has been on. We have changed them and hoping that takes care of things. Ms.Eckhart is of course very weak, but is insisting on seeing you and Becca as soon as you’re able.” I looked over at Becca who had a worried look “Wake the kids!”

——————————————

Madison had been moved to the ICU on the 3rd floor. Becca notified the staff with the phone attached next to the door and we heard the buzzing of the door unlock.

Madison was like a ghost from even the day before when we had visited. Her skin looked like it had never seen sunlight and her eyes was sunken in.

What the hell do you say to someone like that? I was a published author yet I couldn’t think of anything appropriate. We definitely need more ways to greet someone besides ‘How are you?’

“Madison….I…” “I want you two to keep the Caleb and Mariah. I don’t trust my family and I don’t want them….” Madison started coughing a few times. Becca filled up her glass with some water and held it for her as she took a few drinks from the straw.

“I don’t want them to go into some foster home and I know…” “You think for one minute we would allow that to happen? Don’t you worry about them at all. Besides, this was just the antibiotics and those have replaced. You are going to be fine so dont be thinking like that!”

Becca could hardly even form the words. She constantly had put her down since we were in college but there was no mistaken how much she cared about her as she kept wiping the tears that flowed. She looked like she was going to fall apart at any moment.

Mariah and Caleb picking up on the tension started crying. Both of them had been wanting to be with their mom and in her shape we couldn’t let them. Before we could use hand sanitizer but now the chance of Madison getting any germs was to much.

“I’m going to take them down to the cafeteria and get them some breakfast. They haven’t eaten yet and I’m sure they’re both hungry. Why don’t you two talk alone for a bit.”

I had got them some oatmeal and Apple juice but both Mariah and Caleb was too upset to eat more than a few bites no matter what I tried. I figured I was probably wearing more than I managed to get them to eat. At least they did drink the juice.

Becca came down after about 40 minutes. I have never seen her look that way. “You want something to eat they didn’t…” Becca shook her head and I decided to drop it. I tossed what was left in the trash and we left.

By the time we got back home the kids had settled down a bit but was now acting hungry. I needed something to do so I figured we would try round two. “I’ll make some eggs and sausage. You should eat too, honey. You had even less than they did.” Becca shook her head. “I’m not hungry. Besides, I have things I need to take care of. "Like what? You should eat and we have things we need to discuss.” “I need to get going!” Becca turned and headed for the door. “Becca!” She didn’t stop. The only reply was the slamming of the door.

[angelparentncl-blog]

First blog post

I dont know if anyone will ever read this, im unsure if I actually want people too. This is just somewhere I thought I would jot down my idea’s and thoughts as an Angel Parent.

Before I go any further, maybe it’s best to define what I mean when I say Angel Parent. In basic terms it means my child died. Her name was Lexi Jayne and she was as real as could be, I held her in my arms and kissed her little head and fell in love with her as soon as I saw her. I didn’t used to believe in love at first sight, but since it happened to me twice (the only other time was with my wife) I guess I have no choice.

I guess maybe I should also give a bit of back story. That’s where most things start isn’t it? The beginning.

So, I was fortunate enough to meet my wife at work, I still remember when she came for her interview, she was stunning (and you still are babes if you read this). I never thought I would have a shot. You have heard the term “punching above your weight” or “well out of your league”, this was the ultimate definition of this. But after becoming friends a little romance blossomed and the next thing you knew we were together (yay go me). What followed were a lot of ups and like any relationship a couple of downs. We got married on August 5th of 2012 and our next thought was “let’s start a family”. We tried and tried for a good 4 years. We were told that in theory nothing was wrong with us so everything was to do with weight. We tried diets and our weight went up and down over the next however many years. We were still unsuccessful. We eventually blamed stress from our workplaces at the time and decided to hold off until we were in a better mental state to attempt to conceive.

This was around February 2016. We had lots to look forward too in the year ahead. We had a trip to New York planned, We were discussing a family cruise on the Disney Magic, so much was going on. We decided to be one of those couples who would just holiday for a while and come back to the baby thing later. We after all had plenty of time. Nature is a funny thing though isn’t it? It was June 2016 around the 28th to be exact. Now this may be a bit too much information here so apologies in advance. But Rachael had been having funny periods for the past 2 month, something was off and she was, understandably, concerned. We scheduled a Doctors appointment for the 30th of June to see what the hell was going on. On the 29th of June Rachael decided to do a pregnancy test JUST IN CASE. There it was, the line we had always wanted to see, it was POSITIVE. More tests were taken just to be certain and every one positive, positive, positive. We were overjoyed. We were finally extending our family.

Our next step was telling our parents. At this time my in laws were currently on a cruise, so they were unreachable. But my parents were around. I know you’re meant to wait until 12 weeks to tell people but we had waited for so long we thought, fuck tradition, lets tell people now. We bought some pacifiers and put them into a gift bag and presented them to my mum. She was, at first, confused. Until it all clicked. I don’t think I have ever seen her so happy. I then told my auntie who had the same reaction, though honestly, not as grand. Which we totally understood, she has never really been a kid person, if we got a puppy it would be so different haha. The next day my in-laws were to arrive home. We were going to pop down that evening but decided on a facetime conversation instead. I still have the pictures (im sure I will upload them soon). The tears of joy and happiness still makes me smile. Things were looking good.

As you can imagine the next few months of our lives was filled with excitement, planning, buying and obviously nerves. We went for our first scan thinking we were at 12 weeks. We were wrong, just so much anticipation, turns out we were only 8. But they checked our baby out anyway and everything was progressing nicely. Finally got our 12 week scan and could see our little baby properly for the first time. Yes she was small on the screen but features could be made out. I’m not going to lie here, tears were shed. Its one of those moments when you finally have something that you have always wanted. Your own flesh and blood on the screen in front of you. It’s something you can never prepare for. I’m sure my fellow fathers understand this. Things were now real.

Another 8 weeks later we finally get our 20 week scan. I am so nervous but excited, I get to see my child again but only this time we get to know if were having a boy or a girl. Like every father the thought of a son slightly edges in front of a daughter. I never understood why this is but it happened (on a side note the reason I mention this is because I want this blog to be fully honest, im not going to lie about feelings etc and if you think im wrong for wanting a boy, im sorry its just how it was). So we have the scan we are told it’s a girl. My wife was elated and truth be told, so was I. Yes its not going to be my boy that I will play football with etc but its going to be a girl. I came to actually liking the idea of a girl more than a boy. Just that daddy daughter bond, being wrapped around her little finger, scaring away her first dates etc. I was excited. The 20 week scan also showed us something that we didn’t expect. She had an anomaly. It was on the umbilical cord and thought to likely be a cyst but we would need further testing to be sure. We left the scan room, honestly, nervous. But we were reassured that these things pop up on a daily basis and its nothing to worry about. This just needs to be confirmed by a specialist and things can continue as normal.

So, assured as we were we left, we started discussing names and told our proud parents they were due to have a granddaughter. We decided on the name Lexi Jayne. It just fit. Lexi it was. Our family happily shared the news online that Lexi was our decided name and how proud they were, typical mam n dad stuff really. We were booked in with our next scan the week later to see what was going on with this anomaly. We spoke to a new Doctor who scanned my wife and advised us that this is something more serious than a cyst. We needed to see another speciality doctor in another hospital. So a week later another appointment was made at the hospital in the centre of Newcastle. We were told to arrive for 3pm but expect a bit of a delay. 6pm, we finally get called through for our scan. We speak to the doctor and her nurse who inform us Lexi had what was known as an Umbilical Vein Varix. If you want more information on that, google is your friend here people, in general it means the vein in her umbilical chord is swollen at a point. We were again assured that this is fine, this is a very rare condition but death rates were low, in fact the number of recorded deaths due to this varix is 0. We were told we need to be monitored every other week to check on growth as that’s the only thing we need to worry about.

So again we left happy. We had another scan of our daughter where it looked like she was yawning and had her hand over her mouth. I won’t lie, this had to be my favourite scan pic. It showed us a bit of her personality, we also got a pic of her massive foot which had been kicking Rachael for some time now. We then understood why it hurt so much haha. So more scans came and went and we got to watch our daughter grow every 2 weeks. Though we did have 1 more visit to the hospital in Newcastle centre. The doctors did a 3d scan (though I think they’re called 4d and I can never figure out why). He stupidly left it on the monitor as he went out the room, so free snap from my phone later and we had the perfect image haha. At this point my wife is starting to panic a bit, we haven’t really had time to start on Lexi’s room yet. Its getting close to December and Lexi is due in March. I assured her things would be ready on time and I have plans in place. I don’t think she believed me but I genuinely did have plans. We were to move the furniture out that we currently had in the beginning of December (which did get done) then around the 2nd or 3rd week my mam was going to start on the decorating of the room and the new year would bring in all of her furniture we would need. Speaking of decorating we decided we were going to have a Lilo and Stitch themed room. For a few reasons, one, we love stitch, stitch is awesome, don’t be fooled into thinking otherwise. Secondly the message in that movie that “ohana means family, family means no-one gets left behind, or forgotten” is something we thought was a nice motto for our family. Decals were bought and ready to go on walls. Everything was coming along nicely.

Thursday December 15th 2016. This is a day I will never forget for the rest of my life. It started out as any normal day would with the exception that my wife had a routine midwife appointment. I did my usual, get ready, kiss my wife goodbye and go to work routine. I was sat at work when I received an email at around 12:00. “I need you to come pick me up, somethings wrong with Lexi”. Okay, I was nervous. I left work and went to collect my wife who was waiting in the doctors surgery. During this time I had tried to contact my mam to let her know what was going on. No answer, sometimes getting in touch with the pope is easier than getting in touch with my mam haha. But I got to my wife, she gets in the car and tells me that her midwife cant find Lexi’s heartbeat on the doppler device. I wave this off immediately thinking she is just being awkward like her dad.  My mam calls me back and we tell her the news, she is exactly the same, waves it off, she will be fine, of course she will.

I drop my wife off at the door and I go park the car. On the way in I smoke a cigarette, I have plenty of time. I go to the ward my wife is meant to be on. As I walk in…. the only word I can use to describe this next feeling is, Fuck. The ward is quiet apart from 1 voice. That 1 voice is screaming and crying and is a noise I will never get out of my head for the rest of my life. The other thing that was very distinguished about this voice is I recognised it. I knew immediately who it was. It was my wife. I walked to the reception head down asking for her, they sent me to another desk, I asked again for my wife, they sent me back to the original desk. It’s at this point I see someone I missed earlier, a nurse. I ask again for my wife. She has that look in her eye and I know what she is going to tell me. Her words were “are you Neil?” I say “yes” she is just about to go onto the whole I’m sorry I have bad news speech and I had to cut her off “I’m not stupid” I said “I can hear my wife screaming, my daughter is dead, where is she?” I was taken into a room where my wife is sat (thankfully with my sister who seen her come in) we all just embraced for a few minutes while things were confirmed 100%.

The next part of the day is all a bit of a blur. There are things I remember, things I try not too remember and because of this the order of stuff is a bit all over the place. We were sat in the same room being told that the next steps were we need Rachael to take a tablet, this would start to dissolve the placenta and start the process of getting our daughter out. At this point were trying to phone families to explain what the hell is going on. Were clearly in shock, I managed to get in touch with my mam again (which is rare, see pope comment). This is one part I will never forget. I had to tell my mam that her only grandchild was dead. How do you do this. I was choking back tears and all I could mutter out was, “it’s bad news mam, she’s gone” Unable to comprehend she was replying “what do you mean? Who’s gone?”. I knew what I had to say, it was difficult, it took all of my strength but I got the words out “Lexi is dead”. Everything on the phone went silent. You could hear the tears forming from my mam as she was trying to comprehend what her son was saying to her. Through muttered crying my mam asks how and I cant give her an answer. She said she will meet us back at home and see us soon. Her hanging up breaking her heart will live with me for the rest of my life. During this time we are trying to get in touch with my in-laws, who for once, are harder to get a hold of than my mam. We finally get through and I cant answer much for this as I wasn’t on the phone, but they’re told, I know they’re upset and they make their way to the hospital.

We sit for what feels like an eternity as we are told what the next steps of our journey will be. We finally have the tablet, the 3 of us are sitting in a room of sadness, a room of tears and a room of disbelief. After a while my in-laws appear and provide some much needed comfort to us all. We explain what has gone on and what is happening next. During this time we get moved to another room to get our heads around and prepare for the next few days. We are told we will be send home and we will need to return on Saturday. My wife wants to drink but due to the tablet she cant. So we opt for smoking again instead (my wife had stopped when she was pregnant). All I remember at this point is pacing the floor, my in-laws asking if I am okay and drinking coffee. We finally gather the courage to leave the hospital. We all go to the shop and pick up some essentials. For us cigarettes, for my in laws, food to keep our strength up. We arrived at the house first followed quickly by both sets of parents. We sat, we cried and we had cups of tea and coffee (yes the British way to sort ANY problem is a good ole fashioned cuppa). We talked a lot and for a long time. Eventually everyone left and it was just us. As much as we probably didn’t know it but at the time this was just what we needed. We needed time as a couple and just as a couple to figure our own shit out. We decided we would buy Lexi a star so she would always be remembered.

The next day was a bit of a blur. We had to go shopping and return some items we had bought (bottles etc) and also buy the kind of items women need when they are to give birth. On a side note with that, there are few places you can go to collect these supplies, if by chance you are reading this and working in one of these type of shops, please move it away from the baby aisle. Yes this is great for someone who is due to give birth to a healthy and alive child, to someone who has been told their child has died and is going to have a stillbirth, not so much. One of the things I remember about this day was trying to hold back tears in public. It’s strange as a male, were not meant to cry. Even when going through the worst pain imaginable all I could think was don’t let anyone see you cry. Also I was thankful that my mam was free that day to drive us around. The lack of food and lack of sleep since the day prior would have made driving a difficult and stupid task. I think to my mam she saw this as a small thing, but she will never know how much we needed this and how thankful we were. Another foodless day and sleepless night followed. The next day was hospital day.

So the big day is here, we get Rachael packed up take a few supplies, pop to the shop on the way and pick up some cigarettes, just enough for the day as we suspect we will be home in a few hours. Boy were we wrong. We arrived at the hospital at around 11:50 am, we stand outside taking everything in and before we go in, we have a quick smoke. We can see other people judging us, and we understand it, were pregnant and smoking. The only difference is smoking cant harm our baby, nothing can anymore. We go to the birthing suite and settle in to our room which in this hospital is known as “the Willow Room”. Our main midwife comes in and introduces herself. Her name is Jenny. She is a specialist bereavement midwife who deals with these sort of cases (actually if you google Jenny you will also see she has won awards for this, she really is amazing). She explained the procedure we would have to go through to get Rachael induced and to get Lexi out. The plan was every 4 hours she would have to have a tablet inserted into her cervix to basically force labour. After putting our minds at rest about our own worries and everything else she left the room for us to settle in. The willow room in the hospital is very different to other birthing suites, We had tea and coffee facilities, a sofa that turned into a double bed and the room was generally quite a bit bigger. There was also a book and a box with a camera in for us to take pictures with when our angel arrived. We looked at the book and it was stories of everyone who had been in the willow room prior to us. It was a deeply harrowing experience to read other people’s stories about their loved ones who were taken away so soon, but at the same time, it was comforting to know we weren’t alone, again more tears were shed.

It was around 2pm when Jenny came back to our room and we got things started. I remember asking Rachael how it was with the tablet and she kept a brave face and said as much as it was uncomfortable going in it was okay and she was fine. So we settled in to what would be our home for the next while. We chatted between each other and with the midwives when they appeared, went for a few cigarettes, watched tele, played on our phones etc, just like you would do normally. I really liked this room. It became our own personal bubble. The day turned to night and Rachael had already had another tablet. Nothing was moving, In all honesty, we expected to be home by now. We thought this would be a very quick procedure, induced couple of tablets and boom Lexi would be out. I remember phoning my mam saying things were taking longer than expected and I needed some things brought to us like food and more cigs. My mam being the gem that she is was down immediately with a bag full of goodies to snack on and more cigs to keep us going. She didn’t stay for long but we were grateful for the company. Another thing about being in the Willow Room, you get whatever you want. As most of you will know, hospitals have set visiting hours, not in the Willow Room. We could have visitors at any time we wanted, if there was stuff we wanted we only need ask (I even got meals brought to me and this hospital food was nice man). The other difference was a very subtle one, our room had a blue butterfly sticker on the door. The butterfly system is a great idea and again I recommend you look into it if you are curious.

One thing that made us quite popular with the midwives was our box of heroes, every time someone came in chocolate was offered. It was a small way to show the midwives how much we appreciated the care they had given us so far. So the night passed again being woken up every 4 hours for a tablet. Rachael was getting quite uncomfortable now which is understandable. Basically, the tablet would dissolve around her cervix and every time a new one was added it would feel gritty. It was one of those helpless moments where there was nothing I could do but hold her hand, tell her how amazing she was and how proud I was of her. Another slight tangent here, because we were on the birthing suite quite often during the night we would hear other women come into the other rooms, scream and then hear the baby cry. As you can imagine this was quite distressing but thankfully we had the TV to drown this out. Plus midwives would always come in and check on us make sure we were okay. Also it was during this time me and Rachael decided that when we have our rainbow baby, we don’t want a big deal made of it in the hospital, which means no balloons or anything substantial brought in while we are there. This can be saved until we are home. The amount of distress this caused to both me and the wife when we were going outside or for a walk just made us decide that’s how it will be. We don’t want to put other angel parents through that.

Sunday came around and still no movement. It got to 2pm and we were told that Rachael now gets a 24 hour break from the tablets, this came as great news to us, finally she could relax and maybe sleep without being woken through the night. We were introduced to some new midwives along the way, we met Anne who was a bubbly Scottish girl and who in the evening just sat and cried with us and tried her best to get us smiling again. She was very much like a mother figure and was a very open and honest person. She was amazing at comforting us and was there for us during our time of need without being in the way. We also met Judy. Now Judy was a funny one. I wasn’t sure about her at first she seems a little less friendly than Anne and Jenny but again maybe I was tired. Turns out, that’s all it was. After a late night cigarette the wife got slightly triggered again by people taking their healthy babies home. We got back to our room and she just broke down and cried in my arms. Judy clearly saw something was wrong and joined us. She was so kind and understanding and we sat talking for what must have been an hour. Showing pictures of our pets and family pets and discussing their personalities etc it really was a welcomed distraction.

Monday morning rolled around and still no Lexi. We knew that the tablets would be starting again soon so we made the most of our morning.  Take a bit longer in the shower than normal and just generally have a bit of a relax before the afternoon rolled around. 2pm quickly struck us though and Rachael was prepped for another tablet. It was still painful but we tried to make light of the situation (Rachael at one point offering me to get my prostate checked, at the snap of the glove I politely declined). By this time we had another visit off mam to bring us more goodies and more cigs and a bit more general conversation. During this time I was keeping the rest of the family updated via text or Facebook Messenger so they knew what was going on. Because of how far my in laws lived we didn’t want to make them do such a long journey when my mam was closer, even though I know they would if we needed them too. It got to Monday night and there was still no movement. Rachaels cervix hadn’t changed and Lexi showed no signs of appearing any time soon. It was December 19th and we feared we would still be here on Christmas Day.

Tuesday December 20th. Rachael had been on tablets all day Monday and nothing was moving. She got a tablet at around 2-3am and she was in pain. The tablets really had taken their toll on her, I have never felt so helpless. Rachael finally opted to take some gas and air to help with her pain. I folder up my bed and sat with her to keep her company and try to help with her pain. Judy was our midwife again and she would periodically come to check on us. As the hours went on Rachael’s pain got more and more severe. She went to the toilet and something unplugged (im not sure on the terminology here, I probably should be but im not). I was told to tell Judy about what had happened. This was at about 5am. Judy came back and checked on her, things were moving along now and very quickly. We were told we could have dihydromorphine when labour started to help with the pain. Judy told me to let her know when things moved along again and she would go get this for her. It got to approximately 5:10 am and at that point Rachaels waters broke, This was again one of those things I’d never forget. Normally when waters break (from what I’m aware) this should all be clear liquid. This was not the case with us. When Rachael’s water broke it was red, it was a lot of blood. This was the sign of things happening. I’m not going to lie people, I panicked. I needed to find the call button as there was no midwife I could see. I followed the chord but couldn’t see the button, it was in the cupboard but my brain could not comprehend it. All I knew is I couldn’t see it. Finally when I wracked my head to being able to open the cupboard door I pressed the button, Judy was there immediately. Turns out we didn’t have time for the dihydromorphine, Lexi was coming and she was coming fast.

The birth was a standard birth apart from Lexi coming out butt first. I held Rachael’s hand as she pushed and she delivered Lexi on only gas and air, she did so well. It was weird as much as there was people in the room once Rachael stopped pushing a Lexi was out there was a silence, the crying you expect to hear and pray to hear wasn’t there. I remember for about a good 20 minutes I just sat there, looking out the window crying. I couldn’t look at Lexi and I couldn’t look at anyone else, although I did look while they gave my wife a huge injection in her leg to flush the placenta and being amazed that she didn’t feel it. We did have a laugh about that later. Once the midwives had finished up with Rachael I finally got the courage to look at her. Wow she was beautiful, I know everyone says their child is beautiful but she really was. Perfect little nose, eyes were kind of open so we could tell she had brown eyes, unfortunately she had my nose and not Rachaels and she had little wisps of brown hair. She was born at 5:18 am and when she was weighed she was 2lb 9oz. Judy stayed with us for a while and helped us to bathe Lexi, She asked if I wanted to do it but I didn’t have the strength. We got plenty of photo’s though and got her wrapped up in a towel. Next some clothes were brought in as she was too small for the clothes we had for her. She was wrapped in a little pink blanket and we finally got to hold our angel. Rachael had first hold, as she should I might add. You could see the pain in her eyes as she stared at our first born child. Tears were strolling down her cheek and she could not stop apologising even though she was not at fault. Lots of cuddles and kisses later it was my turn. Dear reader I have a confession to make here, holding a child has always been a huge fear of mine, what if I drop her, what if I don’t hold her right what if I make her uncomfortable etc etc. But I sat down and took her into my arms, it felt so natural. I have never felt such a surge of love and sadness at the same time before in my life. I just broke down. Here she was, my precious little daughter in my arms, I was finally a dad. The only difference is I couldn’t take my daughter home. We took lots of pictures and let our parents know Lexi was finally here and arranged their visiting times.

The first person to arrive was my Auntie, now you may recall I mentioned her earlier in the story, she was the prefer dogs to kids lady. She sat down with Lexi, had a bit of a hold and got lots of photo’s taken. You could see the pain in her eyes, this is not what we expected and I don’t think she expected it either. You could see the bond form between them instantly. We still joke to this day about how I would have understood more if it was our puppy who died. It just shows how much of a big heart my auntie has and she still to this day will cry when Lexi is mentioned. I know that if she had survived they would have been inseparable. We left my auntie babysitting while we went for our first smoke of the day. Later was time for my in laws to arrive, they brought us some McDonalds as a bit of a snack to get some other food in us which was greatly appreciated. Again more cuddles were had and more photo’s taken. My mam and Steve (her partner) followed. I was again surprised by the reaction of Steve. Bit of background here (ie another tangent). So, my mum had only recently got together with Steve earlier in the year. He had known us less than a year when Lexi was born. I will always remember when he walked into the room he just burst into tears. He came over and got himself some cuddles too and we made sure to get photo’s so he could keep that memory alive forever. Something like this I believe shows true character and his reaction to Lexi well and truly cemented my opinion of Steve as being a genuinely nice guy with a heart of gold. More photo’s later and lots of discussion (it was a noisy room at this point) Rachael’s sister walked in. Unfortunately it did get to the point where Lexi was becoming to deteriorated to hold anymore and needed to stay in her cold cot. Vic (Rachaels sister) did manage to give her a kiss and old onto her hand for a while so she did get some bonding time. A Little about Victoria, (again another tangent). Ever since I have known Vic she has always been strong willed and strong minded and VERY strong emotionally. She rarely shows when she is upset unless it really gets to her, she is a proud person and has every right to be and its an honour to be able to call her my sister in law. She can hold people together when needed and be that support that you want without being condescending toward you.

The reason I mention above is due to what happened when Vic walked in the room. She came in all happy and hey everyone being bubbly as normal. Went to Lexi’s cold cot, took one look and immediately turned away to try to hide the fact she was crying. She was clearly too late cos I saw her and went to give her a hug. So we all just kind of chilled in this room and eventually we got notice that the bereavement officer was here to see us. Her name was Kara. We took this as a sign for everyone to leave (apart from Vic, we wanted her to stay as she hadn’t been long, she waited outside for us to finish up with this next part). Kara introduced herself as the person no one ever wants to meet. We made a joke about this and complimented how lovely she actually was and we would happily speak to her again, just preferably under better circumstances. We got through the paperwork that was needed and immediately afterwards the registry officer was here. Another while of getting all of her details registered. She didn’t get a birth or death certificate, she got a certification of stillbirth. This means she will still have a record of life in a way and will still be acknowledged. What did get a bit creepy was towards the end of the registration, the lady doing this kept looking at us funny all throughout the process. It got to the end and she asked, are you married? We said yes, she asked when we got married and where. We told her and the penny dropped. The lady registering the death of our daughter registered our marriage. It was a nice but shocking revelation. Eventually everyone left and we spent some time Me, Rachael, Vic, and Lexi. More bonding later it was time for Vic to go.

We sat for a while just the 3 of us now, s a few nurses we spoke to throughout the time came in to see her and tell us how beautiful she was and offer hugs and support. Finally it hit around 5:30 pm and we decided for Lexi’s sake, it was time to say goodbye. She was deteriorating quickly and we didn’t want her to anymore. We also met another bereavement midwife called Nira. We told her it was time for Lexi to go.  We put her teddy in her basket and sent her on her way re-assured we could get her back any time we wanted. We decided we would stay another night in our little hospital bubble. My mam brought us more McDonalds, a meal this time though and we all sat and chatted for a bit. We fell asleep ready to depart in the morning.

We awoke around 8:15 am after a rough night sleep, we decided to quickly go for a smoke before getting ready to go. On our way we passed Kara again who advised she had a little present for us but was nervous about giving it because of our stance on religion (we’re both atheist). We were absolutely gobsmacked that someone had thought of us who we barely knew and told her not to worry and to pop up and see us when she is free. We finished our cigarettes, went upstairs and had some toast and started to pack. Kara turned up and presented us with this little Christmas decoration of an Angel with Lexi’s name on it. It was beautiful and we thanked her profusely. We were later told that Kara never does this, she was just so touched by us and our story she couldn’t resist. We have spoke to Kara since and she really is an awesome lady. We finally went home and prepared for what would be a very strange Christmas.

I will skip over Christmas because I am sure you can guess how it was. Lots of tears, lots of alcohol and lots of what ifs. Its to be expected.

I will skip to just before new year. We finally got notice that Lexi’s body had been released after post mortem. We will be made aware when she is in the chapel of rest ready for us to go visit her and finish off the rest of the funeral arrangements. Actually (I swear I make a lot of tangents) on a side note. This again goes to show how amazing the hospital was. Once we got everything sorted we were also advised that Lexi’s funeral would be paid for by the NHS/hospital trust. This was a HUGE weight off our minds. Not a single expense was spared, we got cars, the chapel of rest, coffin all made for to our specification. All we needed to pay for was flowers. The funeral was organised by the co-op and I must admit, they were brilliant from start to finish. I will discuss the funeral more in the next section.

So once we found out Lexi was available to be visited again we got everyone who wanted too together and we went to see her. I went in first to make sure she hadn’t deteriorated too much. She was still perfect. Her teddy was still sat with her protecting her and making sure she was not alone. We organised songs with the directors and the priest guy who was going to do the service. We ordered flowers and everything was set for the day.

It was a cold morning, the wind was blowing and the air felt very crisp. The flowers were delivered, the family was here. All we were waiting for now was Lexi. We got in the car, the coffin was not on show, and took the small drive to the crematorium. We had come to the decision that I was to carry her down the aisle. That’s all I could think about on the way. How can I do this? Am I strong enough? Am I going to break down? Am I going to drop her? Etc etc. We pulled in and everyone was inside the building due to the weather though a small smattering of people waited outside. One of those people was a friend of my grandmother. She was stood right where the first car stopped. I am so thankful for this as seeing her was like seeing my gran and that gave me the strength to do what I had to do. I walked over gave her a big hug and thanked her for coming. Immediately turned to the right and picked up my daughters baby pink coffin. There is a saying, “the smallest boxes are the heaviest”. Never before has that felt so true. I walked my daughter down the aisle for what would be the only and last time as precious child played in the background. I somehow held it together. The service was the same as any other, slightly less religious for us but it was still beautiful. I don���t know if there is such a thing as a perfect funeral, but if so, this was it.

I guess the last thing to mention story wise was getting post mortem results. It was found to be that Lexi had the Varix which was an issue and also had a Whartons Jelly Deficiency. Basically this means her cord wasn’t protected. Both of these conditions are very rare and we know that we will not get these again. But for now, we work on our rainbow baby and doing things for baby loss charities.

If you have read this far thank you. More will be coming soon on the life of an angel parent.