#you may ask me why this post is on the trek blog btw but it's nowhere near as interesting as you might think

[quarks-pussy]

Btw you can't comment "gay sex" on tumblr posts. Homophobia 😔

[discoveringenterprise]

“RYAN WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO?!” and other shit you might wonder

First off: I am so sorry for disappearing off of the face of the earth oh my god

Second off: I’m going on an indefinite hiatus as of Sundayish. Yes, you read that right, an indefinite hiatus. All the content on the blog will stay for our enjoyment, and I fully authorize use of my gifs anywhere and everywehre

Third off: if you’re struggling rn, shit gets better, PLEASE trust me on this.

TLDR of this post; I got better, so can you, and I’m heading out.

ENT GC: let me know if you want admin. Do what you want with the blog, and if you wanna make a new group chat, please do so since I won’t be around to add people.

How can I contact you/get your contact info before you go? Dallyn and Daphne have my contact info so if you ever need to reach me and I’m gone... yeah. Like I said, I’ll be heading out Sundayish, so I’ll periodically log in here if you wanna talk to me/get my info before I go.

What’s your actual name? That... that’s a long story, too. LMAO. Especially if you know me. DM me for the story if you know me.

Why are you leaving? So, as you guys know, I started college, which is completely and utterly whack. Everything is changed, everything is different and I have friends now? Like, WTF. I’ve been so wrapped up in work it took me forever to get on here after Dallyn texted me “your account got hacked” so... oops. I let everyone into the ent gc (oh my GOD i look back at that and have a love/hate relationship with it!) and let me know if you figure out a way to make admins on it??? I’m confused AF.

I’m going to be focusing off college and staying off Tumblr for a while. It was 2 am technically today and I was reading all my old posts like “jfc I was so depressed???” and now I’m just... not. I made friends, real friends, over the summer. People who understand and get it (and yes some of them are ent stans.)

Why did you disappear in May and why are you leaving again? Shortly put, and I don’t mean to sound mean, I made real friends. Real as in I will physically interact with them in real life (aka college friends). I kind of weaned off Tumblr slowly, and only kept going back for the ent gc (I LOVE YOU GUYS THOUGH!!!). And it kinda became a drag.

When I came back to Tumblr, it was like late January and early February. I’d just got out of the Instagram rping world and was so tempted to start one here, but I was scared and intimidated, and I’m glad I didn’t. Breaking off rp was the best thing I’d ever done for myself, and the best thing that this toxic girl ever did for me. My shitty mental health had been kinda dependent on this rp, it’s hard to explain, but I was being a jerk and kinda had been since freshman year with projecting my feelings onto my character’s and blurring the lines far too much between me and her. She was (and is!) still hella overpowered, hella perfect, and something that would absolutely never happen in canon.

Honestly, this whole situation was basically the lyrics to the song Clarity ft. Foxes by Zedd. I love that song, go give it a listen.

Point being, I got myself off of that once I realized. The problem had started in January 2017, ran through October 2017, and then took a hiatus until junior year but only started to really manifest itself in February 2019. And honestly, mainly when school started back, in September/October 2019 and lasted until January 4 when she and I had our last fight. (She messaged me again, later- here- and since making that post, we’ve ended things on neutral terms.)

So I came here. Tumblr. I’d been here in 2017 right after the OTHER rp ended, and I think Tumblr became my new outlet then, too. I was a baby in the middle of my freshman year then. And then there I was, coming full circle. As a senior in high school. I read all of my old posts about how I’d never make it, and there I was. I’d made it. The end of HS was in sight.

I straight up vibed through all of May. Now, I was slowly making friends in college already, but it only really took off in April and May, which is when I left. I focused more on those, building those connections. I loved you guys on Tumblr, I still do, but I was definitely going to meet these college friends. And as I pulled my head out of Tumblr, I got a job, an actual paying job , in June- and I was already gone.

As I looked back on my posts last night/this morning I was thinking “oh my GOD what the fuck” because jfc, Tumblr had turned into the place where I vented. And then as I got through the months, I became happier. The pandemic was around, duh, and I didn’t have as much school stressing me out, there wasn’t as much craziness around. I was free, I didn’t have people from high school to deal with, and I got better on my own.

YEAH, I was talking to a college guy. And yeah, that was nice, but it was more of a side thing. He was my friend, and he played me, but I learned to be myself. Learned to love Enterprise wildly and give absolutely no fucks.

And it is oh so nice to give zero fucks. It’s an amazing feeling. I hope everyone gets there someday. And yeah, I’ve had moments where people don’t like me, and moments where I’ve felt down, depressed. That’s not saying life is always perfect 100% of the time.

But what I’m trying to say is: it gets better. And to me, Tumblr was like a crutch. Sometimes you need it to help you stand, but when you think you always need it, and can stand on your own, that’s where the problem is. In May, I became confident enough to let the crutch go. And I’m thankful that I did that.

I still love you guys, everyone reading this post, the people that know me and are going to miss me. It’s not that I hate this website or anything- I just stopped using it as a crutch, you know?

Where can I read this crazy fanfic? DM me, haha. It’s the classic “self-insert but NOT a self-insert” fanfiction originating form a fifth grade idea, reformatted by my depressed fourteen-year-old self. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. Yes, it’s Star Trek.

I also have one for the girl’s relative, too, which IMO is much better. She’s less overpowered, more of a real human being.

So why mention the fanfic and RP? It’s weird; I’ve come full circle. I wanted to be this perfect girl, and then I planned how she’d finish her story (and I’m finishing it. I am, I promise, because she’s a part of me that I wouldn’t trade for anything). As I’ve taken a break from the E/AP-verse (my public nickname for it haha, someone found out here) I’ve realized again, I came full circle.

All I wanted back then was to be happy and I thought a guy would do it. Popularity, a bunch of friends, a “hot body” (btw FUCK BODY SHAMING and you’re all perfect) and all that BS that the media tells you. What really gives you happiness (or at least me)? Confidence. The fact that I know I have friends I can count on here. Yeah, a relationship is nice, but complete yourself before you get into one.

And when I planned my OC’s ending back in February, that’s what she got. She’s married in my head now, to her (and my!) perfect guy, but the important part is that she’s happy, and she’s herself before she got married. Before she got in her relationship.

So, yeah. I think that covers it. In all honesty, if you have more questions, send them to the ask box and I’ll tag them and all this as “ry’s goodbye” and update my nav page. It’s 12:39 AM so please excuse any typos!

Bye, guys. For now, at least.

I love you.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I don't really watch Holby but I'm always looking for autistic representation, so if you dont mind me asking why do you headcanon Henrik as autistic??

I mean, “headcanon” implies looking into something that isn’t there in the canon. Henrik being autistic is 100% there, he fits the diagnostic criteria to a T, they just refuse to use the word. But I get your point.

This is going to be LONG and I’m sorry. There’s a lot to cover.

Reason 1: He doesn’t understand social cues.

This is pretty much the entire foundation of his character: that he can handle formal, scripted situations fine but is terrible at personal relationships. He’s admitted it himself.

A non-exhaustive list of examples:

In S13E44, the hospital chairman’s ex-wife Ella tries to flirt with Henrik. It goes right over his head all the way up until Ella literally starts unbuttoning her blouse.

In S15E42, Henrik treats a patient with amnesia. While operating on the patient in theatre, Henrik’s ex-girlfriend Maja says what a tragedy it must be for the patient to not even remember who he is. Henrik responds by saying that, in some ways, it might actually be a good thing and that he’d like such an ‘opportunity for reinvention’. He doesn’t even seem to consider that the patient doesn’t see this the same way as him, or that this might seem insensitive to the young man’s plight - he just assumes that because he’d like the chance to start over, surely this patient must too.

In S18E33, Henrik’s worried about Arthur Digby (who is suffering from terminal cancer)’s wellbeing, so he arranges a meeting between some of the hospital staff to talk about it. When Arthur walks in and asks “Is this about me?”, Henrik starts to bluntly reply “yes” - Sacha has to jump in and save the situation by saying “nope”.

In S20E19, Dominic Copeland admits to Henrik that he’s recently been infected with Hepatitis C. Henrik doesn’t know how to respond at all, and when Dom says “this is usually the part where you bestow me with wisdom”, Henrik says “Is it?” - implying he had no idea what Dom wanted out of the conversation.

In the latest episode, S22E15, he goes to visit his friend Essie who’s having chemotherapy. He brings her a book called ‘Surviving Cancer’ and doesn’t even realise how this may come across as inappropriate or too on the nose until Dom points it out to him.

Reason 2: He has a flat affect.

This one’s obvious. He’s not very expressive, and he tends to speak in a monotone. This tends to lead to other characters assuming he doesn’t have feelings, because he doesn’t show them in the way they’d expect.

Reason 3: He stims a lot.

Self-explanatory. If you pay attention, you can often catch him fidgeting with his hands during his scenes. Here are some gifs of him doing it:

He also tends to hum or sing to himself pretty often, which could be vocal stimming.

Reason 4: He has low empathy.

Mr. Clarke the psychiatrist in S19E03 even comments on this. He’s using it as an insult, admittedly, but the whole point of the episode is basically “Mr. Clarke is an asshole, but an asshole who’s right”.

Henrik struggles to relate to people, and can’t feel their emotions. I refer again to S15E42 for one of the best examples of this:

Maja: But he [the amnesia patient]’s so lost. He’s alone in the world. You must feel... something?

Henrik: Not particularly.

I have a whole post on this scene alone it’s so accurate and perfect. (The phrase “a whole post” is a link you should click, BTW. Unfortunately links don’t display on my blog until you hover over them so I just want to clarify that.)

This is another thing that tends to lead other characters to think Henrik doesn’t care about others. They’re 100% wrong. He cares incredibly deeply about those around him, to the point it hurts, he just can’t empathise with them. The show makes a point of reminding us of this regularly. We love good low empathy rep. ♥

Reason 5: He has sensory issues.

One recurring joke with Henrik is that he really, REALLY hates tomatoes. He’s gone so far as to label them “the devil’s fruit” on multiple occasions. Despite this, he’s fine with eating tomato soup, which implies it’s a texture issue.

He’s very sensitive about touch. I don’t think he’s touch-averse, necessarily, but it’s seemingly a more intense experience for him than for others. He’s bothered by people he doesn’t know well making physical contact with him. (One example: in S15E50, his colleague Antoine Malik hugs him. Henrik just stands there awkwardly, not reciprocating the hug, and asks Malik to stop.)

In S15E04, Henrik is shown going into sensory overload from too much stress and too many people talking at once. I’ll just leave a clip of that here. (Again, that last sentence is a link!)

He also wears the same kind of outfit a lot, which could potentially be another sensory thing. In particular, he’s almost always seen with some kind of layers on. Hell, we saw him in his pyjamas with a dressing gown over them in the middle of July last year.

Reason 6: He’s not good at emotions.

I’ve already been over how he doesn’t understand others’ emotions well, but he’s not really any better with his own. He’s clearly alexithymic, and has admitted as such:

One major storyline in series 13 and 14 is Henrik’s romantic feelings for Sahira Shah, a woman he used to mentor. Except... he doesn’t realise he’s in love with her. A similar storyline happens in series 20 with his old friend John Gaskell, but because the writers of this show are heteronormative cowards, no one actually goes “hey Henrik are you in love with John” only for him to passionately deny it (which happened several times WRT his feelings for Sahira). But if you pay attention to the subtext, there’s clearly a late-realisation-of-love going on there, and the actor seems to approve of it (“[John was someone Henrik had] loved for thirty years”, “[Henrik was] blinded by his affection for John”), so.

In S20E28, we see Henrik trying to fill out a therapy worksheet asking him to describe his emotions. He struggles with it throughout the episode, and keeps trying to write something only to give up and shove the paper back in his pocket.

He has very strong emotions, but prefers to try and shut them down, focusing on facts and logic instead because they’re what he can understand.

Other reasons I won’t go into too deeply because this post is long enough, but I want to mention them:

- Reason 7: He takes things literally often. He doesn’t get other people’s jokes and sarcasm, and they don’t get his.

- Reason 8: He has very strong moral beliefs and he sticks to them.

- Reason 9: He literally had a meltdown once (in S20E13).

- Reason 10: Other characters have compared him to autistic/-coded characters in pop culture, such as Rain Man, and the Vulcans from Star Trek.

- Reason 11: This scene with him and the show’s canonically autistic character Jason, wherein Henrik only fucking goes and likens himself to Jason while contrasting the both of them with [allistic] people as a whole. (There’s another link BTW)

There are probably even more reasons I could think of if I tried, but I’ll stop there. I think this is quite enough proof that Henrik is autistic as it is. 🙂

[just-like-playing-tag]

Ok I've been tagged to a bit of tag games a while ago so I'm doing all of them in a single post. I feel like with some of them I was tagged by more than one person so sorry if I forgot to mention anyone,,

I was tagged by @shot-tothestars and @bluelric. Thank you for thinking about me <3

Rules: tag 10 follows you’d like to know better (Btw I don't get what does that mean? Do I have to tag people one follows, or people they're followed by?)

(Also I'm just skipping the questions I don't like, but here's all of them for reference in case someone else wants to do it!)

Cats or dogs: Definitely dogs!!

Current time: 12:14 pm when I started, then I stopped and now as the exact moment I'm posting this it's 01:20 am

Favorite animal: Uhm probably seaguls? But I really like birds in general, they look so free from everything. And cool marine creatures!!

When I made this blog: First post is from June the 13th!

Reason for url: Explained here :)

Tagging: Nobody here because I answered half of the questions so I don't find it fair to ask somebody to do it lol.

Tagged by @shot-tothestars; Again thank for tagging me; and feel free to hmu any time if you feel like it, I swear I don't bite XD

Rules: Tag 9 people you want to know better/catch up with

Three ships: Excluding tpn because that would be lame, the first that come to my mind are Bones x Kirk - Star Trek, (platonic) Elsa / Anna - Frozen, All Might x happiness - My Hero Academia. Now that I think about it, I've never been much of a shipping person? I personally find platonic relationships much more interesting.

Last song: The Opera - Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet of 1812. Since it's quite a long song, I listen to it significantly less than the other songs from the recording- it's still a beautiful song tho.

Last movie: I may be wrong but I think it was J. J. Abrams' Super 8. I remember being very scared by it when I was younger, so I wanted to see if watching it again now it would have still scared me. It didn't, but it was a nice movie nonetheless!

Currently reading: Unfortunately I don't read much for myself during school, and even when it's finished I find it very hard to get back on track; but I really want to read War and Peace so that's probably the one I'm starting next- together with Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground because I can't possibly read just one book at once.

Currently watching: Some things. Avatar: The Last Airbender, Death Note, rewatching Kill la Kill with my cousin; also sporadically watching Steven Universe episodes and Law & Order (the original plus SVU) whenever it plays on TV. As bonus, I just finished watching Japan Sinks and Little Witch Academia. (I hadn't realized until now how many things I was watching and had watched, wow?? I'm glad I didn't waste time.)

Currently consuming: Nothing? Should I?

Food i’m craving: Uhm... The Wok to Walk I ate back in London last year... There's so many good places to eat in London and I live in a small small town with nothing to eat, it makes me want to cry ;;;;;;

Tagging: The last three people in my dms @fandoms-and-shitpost, @puff-poff, @acaderhmic; the last three people in my notes @illbecryinginthecorner, @cookiespace, @galezea; the last three people who followed me @yeoshin-est, @losertea, @soulessgingersthings.

Tagged by @bluelric and @stray-tori. Again thank you so much <3

Rules: Answer 17 questions and tag 17 people! (Please make sure to create a new post rather than reblogging!)

Nicknames: Tag? I love the nicknames you don't chose yourself, I think it's a cute thing

Age (the long lost question everyone was wondering about): Newly 19 bby 😎

Zodiac: Cancer according to astrology and Gemini according to astronomy (I don't really believe in astrology tho,,)

Height: I really have no idea. Average??

Last thing I googled: "little witch academia"

Song stuck in my head: Drift Away - Steven Universe: The Movie.

Number of followers: Really peoples one of the best things about Tumblr is not showing the followers number, thus making it easier for smaller and bigger blogs to interact, and not creating some sort of social classes based on ephemeral and currish arbitrary assigned popularity values. Why should I tell my followers number.

n followers I love very much <3

Amount of sleep: 6/7 hours (4/5 on school days)

Lucky number: ? Dunnot? I like even numbers

Dream job: Uhm something where I can give my best to significantly do something to change the world for the better - hopefully doing something I'm especially good at. Like, putting my abilities to the service of the community. I'll start studying political science at university! (I don't really aim to become a politician tho)

Wearing: I've spent more than one hour looking for an imagine of my shirt on the internet, but, as I should have expected, it seems like clothes companies delete the public data about older collections. Anyway, it's a cute, white, very light shirt with short sleeves. It's got thin vertical stripes of various pastel colors and it's made of a kinda rough material I can't seem to identify. Under that there's high-waisted, light blue jeans. I like this outfit, I find it pretty. I like wearing pretty things even when I'm staying home, it makes me feel good about myself.

Favorite song: With no hesitations, No One Else - Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet of 1812. The only doubt I have is if I prefer Phillipa Soo's or Denée Benton's version.

Favorite instruments: Probably piano; second place is cello.

Favorite author: Of what? If this is about books, I don't feel like I read enough to give a fair answer, but so far Dostoevsky and Kafka really stuck with me.

Favorite animal sound: Seaguls' squeal!!!! But also lil birdies' chirping.

Aesthetic: Docks!! The seaguls screaming in the air. The sun shining in the blue sky, originating mesmerizing reflects on the sea, like millions of dimonds. All the smells in the world concentrated in just one place. The movement, the life!! So many sights, smells, flavors and feelings mixing together. The ephemeral beauty of catching, for a single moment, the sight of something marvelous and extraordinary, and never getting to see it again, but cherishing this exaggerated memory of that serendipity. The hectic atmosphere of people going to and fro. The concept of connecting different cultures, the concept of leaving for new adventures. Just one place filled with complete strangers all so different, all so unique, where you can disappear - but without losing yourself. I just find harbors neat!

Random: My posts follow a 4 fanart posts/ 4 text posts (or 2 fanart posts/ 2 text posts) pattern; it physically hurts to mess up, thus it can happen that some of the most recent reblogs may disappear for a while (but they always come back ;)

Tagging: @neverlandstrio, @idlyingabout , @holy-mantequilla, @vapidsoup, @dpgoinghost, @chidoroki, @lovesick-lovely, @ueno-ito-en, @x-supernova, @notelectrictiger12, @bubblesandpages, @joy-in-gold-shadows, @thathilomgirl, @yalikejazzmydude, @neo--queen--serenity, @wheatormeat, @icyhotsparkybroccoli but really feel free to ignore this if you don't like this stuff

And everyone else who wants to do this (or any of the others!!)

[myassbrokethefall]

Sure, I could/should be cleaning my house right now but instead I’ll answer 30 FREAKING QUESTIONS on Tumblr. It’s Saturday. Tagged by @swoodsie, thanks babe!

Rules: Answer 30 questions. Tag 10 blogs you want to get to know better

Nicknames: Plenty. 

Gender: Female.

Height: 5 foot 0.

Sign: Virgo.

Time: 7:40 pm. Why am I eating kettle corn instead of making dinner?

(Btw, I started this earlier, when I should have been cleaning my house, and I’m finishing it now, when I should be making dinner. Ah, the computer.) (Also I updated the time.)

Favorite bands: Radiohead, Garbage, The Police, Metric. 

Favorite solo artists: Fiona Apple, Regina Spektor, hmm, I’m probably not thinking of a bunch. 

Song stuck in my head: Right now, Carry Me by Patty Griffin, which I was listening to in the car. 

Last move I saw: The last movie I watched was my last Netflix movie, called Unmistaken Child. Last movie in the theater...MAN. I DO NOT KNOW. It might have been The Martian? Jesus. I feel like I’ve been to the movies more recently than that but I can’t remember what I would have OH YEAH, ARRIVAL. Arrival was after The Martian, right? I think that maybe was the last one. That is still forever ago. 

Last show I watched: Botched, last night. Because I like only classy things. Edit: Wait, no, I watched House Hunters Renovation this morning. 

When did I create my blog: July 2013, I believe.

What do I post: Mostly XF stuff, but also any other random crap that I like. A lot of animals. A lot of The Americans and other TV shows I may currently be obsessing over. Memes that make me laugh. 

Last thing I googled: I’m going to be a Kate McKinnon and say I have no idea how to figure that out. I’m trying to think of something I googled recently. AND I CAN’T. 

OK, ironically I just googled “how do i see what i last googled” and it took me to my Google history page, which has all the inane YouTube videos I have watched but not my search history. Maybe I turned it off in a fit of privacy. Good for me. Man, I really can’t think of anything. I’m sure I’ve googled like 20 things today alone. 

Do I have any other blogs: Nope, this is plenty. 

Do I get asks: Sometimes, yes. 

Why did I choose my url: Because it’s a hilarious Mulderism that has always made me laugh (partly because of the delivery). Did I foresee that a convenient nickname for me would be come “myass”? No, I did not. Am I mad about that? No. 

Following: 182. I thought I was following less than that. It’s quiet around here lately. 

Followed by: A couple thousand-ish. Hi, many strangers. *waves nervously*

Average hours of sleep: Probably 7 or so. Actually, let me ask the Fitbit. Hmm, Fitbit won’t tell me a lifetime (of having the Fitbit) average, but recent history looks like a little over 7. Good for me. 

Lucky number: 7. Haha!

Instruments: Not really. I played the piano a bit as a kid. I’ve always wanted to play the drums. 

What am I wearing: A new pair of jeans that I’m hoping will stretch out just a smidge (I was wavering between them and the next size up, because I was afraid that pair would stretch out TOO much), a grey t-shirt. I’m totally about to put on pajama pants though. 

Dream job: Novelist is always my answer, but if I really feel that way I should write some novels, sigh. Honestly, if I were younger, I think I would seriously consider trying to become a vet tech or in some other way work with animals. I know that’s a very Miss America kind of answer, but it’s true. That, or I would like to just lay out type all day. That’s sort of my job, sometimes, so that’s good. 

Dream trip: I have so many dream trips, you guys. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to take some of them (Iceland, Sedona), but I have plenty more. Scottish highlands, Greece, Portugal (that one’s coming at the end of this summer!!), Japan, New Zealand, Faroe Islands, Switzerland, Norway. 

Fav food: I have a lot. I’ll pick three: Raspberries, macaroni and cheese, halloumi. (Only two of those are cheese-based! I’m so proud of myself.) Oh, also chocolate mousse. 

Nationality: American. Sorry, everyone, for, you know, everything. 

Fav song: I CAN’T pick a single favorite song, geez. Often I say it’s Weird Fishes/Arpeggi by Radiohead, so let’s go with that. 

Last book I read: I’m currently reading The Book Thief, which my neighbor lent me. Before that, I think it was The Tangled Lands by Paolo Baciagalupi and Tobias Buckell. 

Top 3 fictional universes I want to join: I always wanted to go to Oz when I was a kid. Book Oz. I would like to have an animal daemon, so I’ll say the Golden Compass universe. And I still almost kinda believe that Star Trek will come true, so when that happens, I would be glad to chill on the Enterprise D. 

[shawoluvs]

about the blogger~

I was tagged by the wonderful @tiniestwitch​ (seriously go check out their blog, they’re great) and basically here’s a little bit about me~

Nicknames: Holl’s the one I go by most.

Gender: Lovely Lady or female, if you want to get scientific.

Star Sign: 🐂 TAURUS 🐂 and proud.

Height: I’m about 5′’2/5′’3, I haven’t been measured in a few years but I haven’t grown in years either :’).

Time: as of writing this: It’s currently 10:54pm.

Birthday: I’m born in the jolly ol’ month of May, I’d rather keep the exact date to myself~

Favourite Bands: Considering this is my kpop blog I will stick to kpop groups for this list. SHINee, of course, as they are my one true Kings and I shall love them always. Red Velvet are my ultimate Queens- or as if this comeback should I say LGBT Coven Empresses? Either way I love those girls. I have a lot more so I’ll just refer you to me fave groups page, as that about sums it up.

Favourite Solo Artists: I’ll stick to kpop again and go with my gorgeous saviour Taemin, the dark fairy prince and gender stereotype smasher is by far my fave. Of course, I love Jonghyun as a soloist too, his music is always so beautiful and he drops some real bops so if you’ve not checked out his stuff you totally should (btw White T-Shirt is a great alarm song, gets you pumped in the morning), and Taeyeon probably wins out for my lovely ladies.

Song stuck in my head: Sea by Golden Child. It’s my personal favourite on their debut album, I love it so much, it’s such a great song with such summery vibes and the vocals are so on point. Not to mention they do that great thing where they do like a false build up? Where you think you’re going to drop back to the chorus but then it circles back and there’s another slow verse. Anyway if you’ve heard it you’ll get what I mean, and I love it!

Last Movie Watched: The Hunger Games, Catching Fire. I’m watching it right now :’).

Last Show Watched: Probably Star Trek: Discovery. GREAT SHOW.

When did I Create my Blog: Quite recently? I can’t be exactly sure, I got locked out of my old blog which I had for years and remade to this one a little while back. Since then I’ve also created various blogs focusing on various things to basically organise my blog a little more.

What do I post: This particular blog is all kpop with a few dramas thrown in!

Last Thing Google: Loona, I was checking to see if there’d be anything else on our next Girl of the Month :’).

Do you have other blogs: Yes, I have a few other blogs. This is my primary blog and purely for kpop but I also have kimitokara, which is a blog dedicated 100% to anime/mange. I also have a personal/multifandom blog which is mainly TV shows etc. that’s called reduciome.

Do you get asks: Occasionally, not so much, but I’m always welcome to them!

Why did you choose your username: I changed it a few months ago when I decided to officially make this blog purely kpop and was also listening to Red Velvet on repeat (as if I still don’t, hahahaha).

Following: 337, I basically followed all the blogs from my old personal before I made this one and should really do a sort out soon because so many of them haven’t been active in a long time.

Followers: 42 on this particular blog :’) An acute amount, which works for me~

Favourite Colours: Purple, green, black, pink, blue etc. etc. I have many tbh, it changes a lot but I always come back to purple (bless ASTRO tbh).

Average hours of sleep: Probably about 6/7.

Lucky number: I’m a complete freak who basically really likes even numbers, or numbers that end in 5 or 7.

Instruments: I tried the violin a while back and loved it tbh but gave it up to focus on exams etc.

What I am wearing right now: Penguin pj pants and a dressing gown.

How many blankets: Just one at the moment, though as it gets colder I tend to put an extra on.

Dream Job: I’d love to be a writer, though I’d also love to teach but abroad somewhere, if I weren’t such an anxious numpty I’d travel all the time.

Dream Trip: South Korea, Japan, China... tbh I’d love to see anywhere in East Asia, I feel like the cultures are so different there and it’d be a great experience. I’d also love to see more of Europe too though, I went to Germany once and loved it so I really want to go back.

Favourite food: I love rice, pasta and basically lots of carb-y food. Yay to bread! I also really love cheese and lemons.

Nationality: British~

Favourite Song(s) Now: Chaotic - Loona (ODD EYE CIRCLE), Rise - Taemin, Sea - Golden Child, You Better Know - Red Velvet, Difficult - ONF and a billion more tbh.

Ok so I’m going to tag some of my lovely mutuals, feel free to take part if you want to!: @confundo-on-cormac, @duckiesteasmiles, @xumoon, @17dad & @kflowergirl

[aurora-boring-alis]

wip lmao

Got tagged by @dxrkblaze to share some wip writing. Tbh I haven’t been doing much lately so ive only got scraps n shreds that have been chilling on my ipad for the last bit 

I also usually save proper writing for my side blog but eh i can bend the rules once or twice 

Oh ye its oc shit btw sorry

Its roughly 2 AM and I am awake, entangled in sweat soaked fleece in the backseat of my car. My gaze, clouded and blurry from interrupted sleep and absence of my glasses. The seats are lumpy and my back aches. It feels like I left the heat on, despite my car having been off for the last day or so.

I ran here earlier in the night and crashed in the back seat, hoping to catch some alone time and sleep. I haven’t slept well, much to my dismay; my mind was too awake, revving its engine, ready to go and drive me into a ditch. I retrace my thoughts, recount the steps of how I had got here, lying in the backseat of my beat up Tercel, trying to sleep, trying to outrun this. I  suppose I could try to sober up from sleep and trek back to the city. But something about the thought of driving alone on a highway at night terrifies me. Perhaps it’s the thought of being completely alone. Maybe it’s the thought of crashing and not having anyone find me.

I sit up, reaching for my glasses, which are in the cup holder. I slide them onto the bridge of my nose, my gaze tracing up the plastic interior and gazing  out the window. I’m parked on the shoulder of a gravel road that can barely fit two cars. To the left is the forest and a few cottages, slowly steeping upwards on a slight hill. To the right is the lake, it’s glassy waters glimmering, the moon shining brightly onto it. Cottages pepper the cleared path before the road and back onto  the forest. There’s a few other parked cars along the road, but they’re like ghosts, emptied of their belongings and people. Near the cars are little tin boats that the cottagers use to get across the lake and onto the small islands in the middle. Light from them  snakes across the lake, showing where they live. Hours ago, I was like them, with Patrick, in happy company, enjoying the sun, fresh air and lake.

But like always, I had to go and doubt myself. Oh yes, I just had to go and question everything I’ve ever felt about me, about Patrick, about our friendship, about our love. “Stupid Lindey…” I chastise myself. I pull my knees up to my chest and hold myself, drawing a thin gasp of air. I shut my eyes, trying my hardest to block him out of my thoughts. But the more I do, the more the spurs and spats of memory come crawling back to me.

I hear my phone vibrate, and I tense. I look down, the phone screen lit up, burning my eyes. It’s nearly silent, save for the buzz. It ceases a second later. I look down, the words Pat, missed call (4) appearing on the lock screen. A frown creeps across my lips as I unlock my phone and begin to play back his messages.

“Lin, it’s me. Why did you just run off? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me.” His voice is gruff and tired. A shiver goes down my back. “We’re friends right? I don’t want to loose you. And you mean a lot to me.“ 

The voicemail system flips forwards to the next message. ”Lin. It’s me again. I don’t know where you get off just running away like that. Why won’t you tell me what I did wrong?“

The next. ”You know what, I’ve had it. Call me back or don’t. I don’t care anymore Lindey. You can go-“ I hit the hang up button before I can hear anymore. He’s right though. I have jostled him around. I’ve played with his heart, and led him on. I toss the phone onto the floor of the car and lay back onto the plastic interior.

I mean, I haven’t always felt this way. I love Patrick and I can see myself going into something deeper with him, but, now when I look at him, there’s something missing, not connecting even. He’s whole and complete, and me, I feel like the wires in my brain are jumbled into a large knot, the ends loose and thrown across the edges of my mind.

I’ve been somewhat of a checkerboard in my past – not really caring whether I wake up beside a girl or a guy. When we started, Patrick told me that he was bi, it didn’t bother me. However, he looked expectantly towards me, and I said I was straighter than an arrow with sarcasm lurking behind my words. This memory sends me back into questioning. I never thought much about it – I liked girls and guys and that was that. I never saw anything more than a possible friendship with them. But my parents always said that I would make a great mother, and that kids love me, yet I can’t think of myself like that. Not now, at least. And that’s fine, I suppose. 

My phone vibrates again. I look down at it and sigh out of my nose. I pick up the phone and hit answer. ”Lindey?“

I shut my eyes. “Pat.”

We sit in silence for a moment. I hear him breathe and cuss. Words spew from his mouth. Patrick’s hit his word vomit, and things just keep coming and coming from his mouth. He doesn’t stop. It’s a jumble of why would you’s, I don’t understand Lins, and we should just go back to being friends.

“I can feel it. You’re uncomfortable.” He says quietly. His voice is like a whisper in the air. I shut my eyes, pulling the sleeves of my sweater to meet my palms. “You were uncomfortable and still you pushed yourself to do it and rather than facing me and telling me what was wrong, you just… you ran off.”

I stay silent, rolling onto my side and letting the frames of my glasses cut into my face. I attempt to drown him out, but my thoughts are no better. In fact, they’re worse, dragging back old memories and slurs and questions from classmates, friends and family. It’s normal to want sex, right?

Everyone wants it, at least at one point. But then, if you have too much, you’re labelled as a slut, and if you have too little, you’re a prude. If you let anyone touch you like that you’re suddenly easy; and if you let no one, you suddenly have rumours that you have a chastity belt on. If you lust after people, you’re a skank. If you don’t want anyone, you’re boring. And yet, there’s this sinking, awful feeling in my stomach, settling there now. The same one that came over me when Mom told me that she can’t wait  for me to have children or when Patrick said any guy would be lucky to have me.

“I don’t understand you Lindey.” He whispers into the phone. His voice is fuzzy and sounds as if he’s fading away, being pulled far from my reach. 

“I don’t understand me either,” I say at last.

He stays quiet for another moment, this time much longer. “Why did you ask me out then?” His voice gets a little bit louder.

“I don’t know why, Pat.” I say, raising mine in response.

“Lindey,”

I don’t say a word.

“Do you think we should take a break? From each other, from this?” He asks. “Are we getting too heavy? I know we’ve been together for a while and said that nothing serious would come from this but-”

“I don’t know Patrick.” I say again. And suddenly, I’m the one with the word vomit, spewing out my life’s story. My world. My views. How I’ve felt forever; before adulthood, before adolescence. Before Patrick. 

I tell him how I never cared about the valentines I got in grade school, and how I stayed home for all the dances. I tell him of staying awake to watch television and finish a book instead of texting anyone. How when a friend said a boy looked hot, I would look and see nothing. About going to parties in high school and how I got stuck in the closet with another girl who kissed me for the first time. The times when my friends would The time where I went to prom by myself and ended up leaving with someone. About the indifference to losing my virginity and being called a slut for it. How I when on a sex spree to try and see if I could feel something, anything like what my friends constantly spoke of. And then, then is when I tell him, in my quietest voice possible about how in first year college, I slept with my roommate twice and then moved on to the boy down the hall of my residence. And how that boy eventually asked me out and how I ended up here with him; halfway been two cities, sleeping in the back of my car.

He doesn’t say a word. I hear the porch door creak loudly and his footsteps against the floorboards. At last, he speaks. “Lindey.” He says. “Do you think you may be ace?”

I blink several times, staring at the dashboard of my car. I draw a breath and shake my head. Patrick knows me so well, too well, perhaps. Reading my thoughts and in tune with my actions even if I’m not around him.

“What is that?” I ask.

“It’s asexuality. It’s where you don’t like anyone, in a sexual way.” He says.“It’s nothing wrong, it’s just how some people feel about romance and love.”

“But it doesn’t make sense. I love you.” I say, my voice growing slightly frantic. “If I’m that, how could I love you? That doesn’t wor-”

“I mean, it totally works. And it’s subjective to everyone.” He says quickly, grasping at works to make me feel better. “Like Jas. You remember Jasper Alucard, right? The guy who I was talking to back at the post office in town?”

I nod, thinking he can see me. “Yeah, I think I remember him.” I say unconvincingly. I do remember glancing back and seeing Patrick talking to some guy outside the post office when we were there earlier. I only remember long, raven hair and nothing more. I only saw his back.

“Well, he’s ace too, and he’s got a partner right now. It just depends on who you are. Like you can want to be in a relationship and still be ace!” He says, his voice soft but upbeat. “And maybe you’re that. Maybe you’re ace.”

I try to get his metaphor, but it’s lost on me. I don’t know Jas, and I didn’t see him. He’s nothing more to me than a half-assed effort on Patrick’s part to make me seem normal. But instead of his intention, I feel more alienated than ever. “So what? I’m a robot? I’m broken?” I ask, my voice cracks.

“Lindey,”

“Because right now it’s feeling like it, Pat. I… I feel broken.” I cry into my phone. I hiccup tears and shake as Patrick struggles to comfort me over the line. 

“Lindey. Lindey!” He yells. I swallow my tears and sniffle as he speaks. “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare.” His voice is stern now. I hear him pace across the porch, the creaking of the boards under his feet. “You’re not broken for not wanting sex. You’re not a prude or some robot. You’re you. And you’re the girl I love.”

I fall silent again, my hands balling into fists as . “Lindey.” He says. “I love you. No matter who or what you are.”

I stay silent. My eyes well up. I know what’s coming. His voice has gone down in tone, becoming lower. He’s quiet. I can hear the waves lapping against the shore over the line. I hold my head in one hand, shutting my eyes tight. ”We should stop and figure things out. I think it’d be best if we-“

"We need to take a break.” I let a hiccup sneak into the conversation and then cover my mouth, sucking back a breath between my fingers. I part them slightly, allowing the words to creep through.. “I need a break. I need to figure myself out. That’s what you were going to say, and I agree.”

“You do? You’re not just saying that?” His voice grows quieter for a moment.

“Pat, I’m not. I’m certain.” I lie in a louder voice, attempting to hide that I’m crying. I swipe at my eyes. I attempt to hold myself together, keep myself from sobbing into the phone, begging for him or anyone to make myself make sense once again. I hate to lie to myself, to Patrick, but I can’t tell him that I want to keep going after I think – know – that  I’m ace. I feel like I’m living a lie, telling myself that I’m okay going to bed with him even though I don’t see that in him. “It’d be best for us, right? Get our lives together before going forwards?”

“You’re right.” He says. His voice is eerily calm, barely above a whisper. I hear a loon call on the other end, and the real thing in my other ear. I fill the silence: “I’ll get my stuff out of the apartment.”    

“Isn’t that a little extreme?” Patrick asks with concern.

“I mean, it’s apart of a break, right? I cut myself off from you, you cut yourself from me?” I say. Being ace and in a relationship feels so alien, so abnormal, unjust. I need to break away from him, I need to be alone.

“Right.” He says. “But where will you stay?”

“I’ll stay here until school comes back . Then I’ll go back to the city.” I say. “I’m sure I can find somewhere to stay.”    

“As long as you’ll be all right.” He says. I hide a sniffle and another sob under the guise of a cough. “Lindey… I love you.” He says.

I stay quiet. “And if we get our shit together, maybe we’ll try again?” He says. “At the end of the summer?”

I nod into the phone. “Yep. Okay.” I say. His voice becomes distant. The words slip out of my mouth “I love you too, Pat.”    

A moment passes and I feel dread pinch my nerves. Patrick takes a breath and then he breathes the words, “take care of yourself” and hangs up on me.

[kingbrunnhilde]

Tagged by the incredible @memeship. Thank you!! Btw the story for your url was super cute, friendship goals much?

Rules: Answer the questions and tag 20 blogs you’d like to get to know better (I think I may have done similar tag game before but oh well we doing it again)!

Nicknames: Chris but most of my friends just call me Christina (idc call me whichever) (all my teachers think my name is Christine instead and it lowkey gets on my nerves)

Star sign: cancer

Height: 5'2", I’m a shorty

Time right now: 9:27pm

Last thing I googled: “imsebastianstan” because I don’t have an instagram acc, I just view him off my web browser (#MEMEIT)

Fave music artist: The Neighbourhood, Zella Day, Troye Sivan, Halsey??

Song stuck in my head: okay same Em, Shape of You has been stuck in my head for the past week help

Last movie I watched: I re-watched a bit of Deadpool with my friend recently

Last TV show I watched: Star Trek: The Original Series aka my current obsession

What I’m wearing now: a grey sweater and jeans (the nicest you’ll ever see me dress haha)

When I created this blog: November 2016, I’m a tumblr newborn

The kind of stuff I post: star wars, star trek, marvel, dc, hp (all my fandoms are listed on my about btw) + my edits + fic recs?? (I swear I’ll eventually make more)

Do I get asks regularly: I don’t always get asks, but when I do, they oddly all come at the same time?

Why did I choose my URL: well I love Rey from swtfa as well as Steve Rogers aka Captain America so voila, my url :)

Gender: female

Hogwarts house: hufflepuff and proud!

Pokemon team: I don’t play pokemon sorry (but I have a friend who’s total pokemon trash)

Fave colours: mm Chris Pine’s eyes, lavender, daffodil yellow, light green, Chris Pine’s eyes..

Average hours of sleep: about 8 hours, maybe 9 on weekends

Lucky number: I don’t really have one sorry

Favourite Characters: whaat? I love all my babes! But okay uh Leonard McCoy, Bucky Barnes, Leia Organa, Diana Prince, Jim Kirk, Hermione Granger, the list could go on forever..

Dream Job: writer but let’s be honest, that ain’t ever gonna happen (I’d also be interested in trying filmaking someday)

Number of blankets I sleep with: one super heavy comfortable cause I get suuper cold when I sleep

Following: I currently follow 379 blogs but it may increase within the next like hour lol

I tag (not 20 because ain’t nobody got time for that): @sociopuff @idriselbas @violetbaudelxire @damnittjim @chekovspavel @cptjim-kirk @rachelisanerd