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welcometocaritas · 5 years

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‘if you love me, don’t let go...’

First chapter of my yumagna fic is out ladies and gentlebabies!

Chapter: 1/6

Characters: Yumiko & Magna

Pairing: Yumagna

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Format: Multi-Chap

Summary: At some point, you just have to let go - or so Yumiko keeps telling herself.There was never any letting go of Magna.

Links: A03, FF.NET

[watermark is from my instagram yumagnas.home don’t worry i didn’t steal the pic ;)]

A/N:

[The rape/non-con is there for Magna's cousin and it will only ever be in references I will not be writing anything detailed about it because I don't want to trigger anyone and this isn't the story for writing about something like that as I would not be able to give it the time and attention it deserves]

Small note: Magna's cousin is called Maisie in this and I've also given her a brother called Morgan.

y'all are going to hate me because yes, this is going to be over 20000 words about a single night. And probably not even the whole night. but there's also flashbacks so it's OK? In my defense, we've gotten very few conversations with these two so there was a lot to talk about. I can't be held responsible for my actions. blame the writers.

I’m honestly a little worried that I’m going to bore people to tears because there’s really no plot. It’s just yumagna being soft and finally sorting out their shit.

I'm also working on a short oneshot - for real this time it's actually going to be short - that's set in the indeterminate future after this. It's basically just going to be pure fluff which you should knew is unheard of - I never write fluff. So hopefully it's not terrible.

There be angst here, lots of angst, but also comfort - if you’re familiar with my writing that won’t be a surprise to you.

I don’t have much hope for canon so I decided to do what I could to fix the mess they made.

I normally wouldn’t reveal anything that’s going to happen in a fic but y’all have been tortured enough already so just know I will absolutely be getting these girls back together, it won’t take more than a night, but it will take about 20000 words. Most of the story is written out already I’m just doing post-edits so I’ll update daily :)

If things seem a little disjointed it’s because I wrote everything out of order and it’s been a bit of a struggle to get everything to fit into place. I also haven’t slept more than 1-4 hours a night for the past three weeks, have been getting constant migraines and blood sugar crashes so I’m gonna apologize right now if there are any mistakes. I’m super sorry.

This is for the yumagna fandom cos I wanted y'all to have something nice with everything that's going on. I would also like to give a special thanks to Abbey and Mina who acted as my sounding board throughout this whole thing and were very patient with me - love you guys :)

....

"If you love me, don't let go

Hold

Hold on

Hold on to me

'Cause I'm a little unsteady

A little unsteady . . . "

- Unsteady by X Ambassadors

. . .

Nightmares had always been an issue, though less so in recent years. Magna had gotten almost gotten used to having a full night's sleep, barring the occasional pillow snatch. Back before all this started, she'd been on medication for PTSD, but well, it was kind of hard to fill a prescription in the middle of the apocalypse - and, well, the apocalypse had only added to the previous need for said medication. At least she was in good company. These days, it was more of a surprise if someone wasn't experiencing some form of post-traumatic stress, and that was a somewhat odd reality to wake up in, day after day. For years, this thing had set her apart but now? Now it just made her like everyone else.

Miko had nightmares too.

It was what had led to them sharing a 'bed' in the first place, way before things between them moved beyond the confines of friendship. They'd fallen asleep by the fire one particularly cold night, curled around each other for warmth, and they hadn't awoken until morning.

It had been something of a revelation.

On Magna's end, she suspected it had had a lot to do with trust. She'd trusted Miko not to shove a shiv into her side or try to cop a feel whilst she slept, trusted her even more to have her back if things went south during the night. She'd been . . . safe. Magna wasn't used to people being safe - she wasn't quite sure what she offered Miko in return, though; maybe the same thing.

Of course, in many ways Yumiko wasn't safe. There was nothing safe about the way Magna felt about her. Or the way those feelings seemed to be returned. She knew Miko had had a girlfriend in college who cheated - and when the other woman had told her that, a vindictive part of her had hoped the bitch had been one of the many, many people to meet their end by sicko teeth. Miko had smacked her on the arm for that comment, exasperation tempered by fondness and reluctant amusement.

She'd realized in her time away, that this past hurt would have only sharpened Magna's betrayal. Trust was important to Miko - hell, it was important to Magna - and she had broken hers by lying, lying for years. She hadn't thought of it that way when she'd been doing it. The secret had weighed on her, yes, but she'd been viewing it from a place of hadn't really considered how it would hurt Miko, only what it would do to their relationship if it had ever come out, what it would do to her.

That, more than anything, had made her realize that Miko had been right to kick her out. More than right.

Which is why she could hardly believe that they were here now. That Miko was letting her head rest in her lap, that she had invited her to do so. Sitting back against a tree and patting her thigh with a small smile her way when Magna had gone to settle a short distance off. The way she had nearly fallen over herself to accept that invitation was almost embarrassing but she couldn't bring herself to feel self-conscious about it, or to second guess the action. They'd done this as friends too and she was glad it wasn't something she had sacrificed with their relationship.

She'd been attracted to Yumiko from the moment they met. It was hard not to be. She wasn't blind - hot lawyer lady in a suit, how could she not notice her in that way? The woman had entered into her dilapidated life with a sureness and determination that was hard to dismiss. Intelligent, strong, and fighting for her.

No one had ever fought for Magna. Not until Miko.

(really, she'd been screwed from the start)

Of course, the person Yumiko was fighting for was little more than an illusion. If Miko had only known the truth then . . .

She probably would have dropped her like a hot potato, just like everybody else. She probably would have been wise to.

Or maybe she wasn't giving Miko enough credit. After all, she was still here now. Carding her hand through Magna's hair in a soothing motion as she pretended to sleep - and Miko pretended to believe her. She knew the truth now, and still she kept close. Maybe they weren't together anymore but that had been as much Magna's choice as Miko's. She couldn't let herself get to that place again, where she was so terrified of losing something, she ended up destroying it.

And God, Magna was so tired, so tired of being afraid, so tired of being angry.

Just so tired.

('I can't do this anymore.')

She needed a distance between them, even if she didn't want it. Romantic relationships had a tendency to blow up in her face. But friendships . . . well, they tended to be more reliable. After all, she had been friends with Miko for years and things only turned sour after they had crossed over the safety of that border into something more.

(things turned sour because you couldn't stand keeping it a secret from her anymore. The same thing would have happened if you'd still been only friends)

She shifted uncomfortably, remembering at the last second that she was supposed to be asleep. But Miko only stilled a moment before continuing with her motions, allowing the deception to maintain itself.

The relief passed her lips in a shaky exhale.

Magna couldn't bring herself to talk anymore. She was drained - both emotionally and physically - and the thought of pulling any more words out almost made her cry from exhaustion. And Miko seemed to sense that, almost as soon as Magna had first fallen silent. But then, she'd always been good at reading her.

She was observant. Like Connie.

Squeezing her eyes shut tighter, she immediately regretted the action. In the darkness, all she saw was her friend's face, disappearing into the crowd of sickos, possibly never to be seen again. Of course, Magna hadn't seen that at all. She'd kept her gaze ahead, too wary to look around and give away the disguise, but she had felt Connie's hand slip from hers, the ache of the empty space it left behind. Her imagination filled in the blanks now, even adding in a few colorful extras - wide eyes, a silent scream, falling beneath the weight of too many bodies, torn apart. Gone.

So many people were just . . . gone.

"Do you think she survived?" The words hung in the night air; foreign, distant. Magna blinked, unsure if they'd really come from her. She couldn't remember opening her mouth. But her tongue felt thick and heavy, her lips cracked, she could taste the metallic hint of blood caused by the effort.

Miko paused. Just a second, her fingers tangling in Magna's hair a little too tight, almost painful, then a breath, and she returned to smoothing it back. "You did."

"Barely. I was lucky."

"And there's no reason she won't be, too. Connie's smart, strong. She could make it."

Magna could think of a hundred reasons. A thousand.

Her stomach turned and she closed her eyes, opening them in a snap when Connie's face answered her. She trembled. "I should have stopped. I should have looked for her."

Miko didn't hesitate. "Then you'd be dead. Might even have gotten her killed as well. All for nothing."

At least, I wouldn 't be feeling like this.

Magna opened her mouth to argue but found that she didn't have the strength. She closed her eyes again, inhaling the scent of the woods, of the leaves and dirt beneath their bodies, of Miko. Especially Miko. "What the hell am I going to say to Kelly?"

If she wasn't dead.

What if they were the only ones left? Her and Miko. Bernie gone. Connie gone. Kelly gone. Luke gone. She'd failed to protect them. All of them.

And she'd thought she'd cried enough tears but her eyes burned and she rubbed at them fiercely, like there was dirt, like if she could just get it out the fire would vanish and she wouldn't crumble to ashes in its grip.

And there was Miko's voice, all at once gentle and firm, pulling her back. "She won't blame you. She knows you. You've always fought hard for us. As hard as you can. This just wasn't a situation in which you could."

Magna nearly scoffed.

No, she could have fought. But she'd gotten scared. She'd hesitated. She hated being fucking scared (small and shaking, hugging Morgan to her chest as Daddy's voice got loud, so loud, why was it so loud?). It was such a useless emotion. And now it had probably gotten Connie killed.

Miko tugged at her hair slightly, gentle but scolding. "Seriously, Magna. You couldn't have done anything. If anyone should be feeling guilty it's me."

Frowning, she turned her head in her grip to look up, a strand of hair snagged but she didn't mind the pain. "What are you talking about?"

But Miko shook her head, refusing to meet her gaze as she focused on raking her hands through Magna's hair, avoiding the knots with an ease born of years of practice. "I should have been there with you. I shouldn't have stayed behind that day."

And then you might be dead, too. Magna shuddered at the thought. Her worst fear, worse than Miko choosing to leave her, being taken from her. Forever.

And it wasn't even a what-if situation. It felt inevitable. This was the apocalypse: their expiration dates were always inching closer.

"I'm glad you did." Even though Magna couldn't see her face, she sensed her hurt, felt the flinch of her hand. "I couldn't lose you. Not like that."

Giving up on getting Miko to look at her, she settled back in her lap but kept her eyes open.

Yumiko's voice was caustic when she responded, fragile and harsh all at once. "I thought I lost you." The hand resumed its stroking, stiffer now, almost angry. "At least if I had been there I could have helped, and I would have known. I would have known if you were okay."

Not if you got out with Kelly.

But, no, Miko wouldn't have left them, wouldn't have left her. She would have seen her double back with Connie and gone after her too - like Magna, she was always watching. Maybe she would even have noticed and gone after Connie first - she was equally as protective of their group - and then Magna would have been the one left behind, to wonder, to fear.

Thinking about it, that probably would have driven her to punch Carol, too. Though her fuse had always been a lot shorter than Miko's.

Now, she snorted at the sudden memory. "I can't believe you punched Carol. I've never seen you like that." In a way, it had scared her. She was so used to Miko being the calm one, forever in control. She was the one who reined Magna in.

Okay, it had also been kind of hot. Even half-dead on her feet, she couldn't fail to notice that.

"To be honest, neither can I." There was a wry note to the older woman's tone, and Magna wondered if she was smiling, almost risked looking up again to find out. "I don't regret it, if that's what you're wondering."

"Not like you to kick a dog when it's down."

"Not like you to be so forgiving."

She scoffed. "I'm not. Connie's gone. Probably dead and she-" Magna swallowed, collecting herself. "I'm not forgiving. I just don't have the energy to be angry anymore."

"Well that's definitely not like you." Miko teased, hesitating for a moment before severity bled back into her tone. "Are you going to be okay?"

She closed her eyes, sighed. Why was she so good? "You don't have to worry about me, Miko."

Scoff. "Another lie. I found a grey hair the other day, thanks to you."

"Oh and it couldn't have possibly been the literal end of days that we're stuck in?"

"Have you met you?" Another tug at her hair, this time playful and, for a moment, Magna could breathe easier. "Seriously, though, are you going to be okay?"

For a moment.

She shifted, hair pulling painfully but that was almost welcome. "I'll be fine. I'll be a lot better once we find Kelly and Luke."

"And Connie."

"And Connie." She wished she could feel more hopeful on that front. Miko squeezed her shoulder and she relaxed slightly, trying to push the dark thoughts away for now. There'd been too many of them tonight already. There were always too many. But just for tonight she wanted to escape them, to hide away in Miko's lap and absorb every touch, every smell, every word . . . that she had come so close to never experiencing again.

. . .

"How can you lose me? You've owned me from the first moment I saw you."

― Dianna Hardy, Cry Of The Wolf

. . .

The full gravity of the world ending fell upon Yumiko within a matter of hours, there'd been no time to trivialize or hope. Right from the start, she'd felt the impact.

Her mother had been a doctor in the old world and she'd been working a shift at the hospital when the outbreak hit the city and surrounding areas. Yumiko's stomach still turned at the memory of calling her up from the safety of Magna's apartment, her eyes trained on the insanity playing out across every news station, her heart pounding as she pleaded, pleaded for the other woman to pick up, to be alright, to-

But the phone had rung and rung. One, two, twelve phone calls later and nothing.

----

Unable to sit and wait any longer, Yumiko swiped her abandoned keys off the table and marched towards the door, ready to drive over there right that second and make her mother okay. She was smart, her mother was smart, and resourceful, and she'd never stopped practicing krav maga - and Yumiko would definitely come to regret refusing all those classes the woman had tried to get her to enroll in growing up but she 'd been focused on her books and her studies and all her dreams for a future that fighting never entered into-

Her mother would be fine .

But a hand grabbed hers - strong, nails almost biting into her skin - and pulled her back. "You can't go out there."

Magna.

At some point, she 'd forgotten the other woman was even there, just whose home she stood barricaded within.

"I have to get to the hospital, my mother she-"

"Yumiko, you saw the news - hell, you just almost got your face bitten off by one of those sickos - the world's fucking lost it. " Her face took on an expression of incredulity. "And you want to go to the fucking hospital? No, no way."

Yumiko clenched her jaw, trying not to snap. "She's my mother. I need to make sure she's okay."

"I know, OK? Trust me I get it but . . ." she took a breath, frustrated and Yumiko could detect an air of desperation in the way she closed her eyes, pressed her lips together. "But you just, you can't, okay? They said that part of the city is already overrun and it's a hospital . The amount of people in there, dying people . . . it's a death trap."

Yumiko looked away, knowing she was right but unwilling to face it. It was her mother .

For a spiteful moment, she wondered whether Magna really did 'get it'. As far as she knew, the other woman hadn't visited her own mother since she was a child. Yumiko didn't even know if she was still alive - or if Magna knew for that matter.

"Look, I . . . " Magna shook her head. "If I thought that it could work, that we'd be able to help, hell even be able to get in there, I would drive you myself."

"You don't have a license." She wasn 't sure why she said it, why out of all the things Magna was saying, that had stuck out the most. But it was the only thing she had the means to protest.

Magna huffed. "Fine, I'd let you drive but that-that's not the point. Miko, we don't even know how to kill these things. I stabbed that guy in the neck and he barely even flinched. The dead are eating people, I can't . . ." She shook her head, lost for words. "I can't protect you from that."

Yumiko cursed the way those words made her stomach flip - not the time. Her phone felt heavy in her pocket, useless, and her mind was a violent hellscape, tossing up image after image of all the situations that could be keeping her mother from answering but . . .

Fuck it.

She was right.

The world shook for a moment, shaky legs almost falling out from under her as she allowed herself to sink down onto the floor, hiding her head in her hands. She was right . The darkness made everything still and she could imagine for a moment that this wasn't really happening, that it was just some big nightmare, that-

People were fucking eating people, for god's sakes. Dead people. How could this be real?

There was a pause, the sound of shuffling, and she felt a stiff form settle down beside her. Hesitantly, an arm came around her, too lose, too distant, but there. "I'm sorry."

Yumiko shook her head, forgetting entirely Magna's discomfort when it came to any kind of physical intimacy - hell, any kind of intimacy in general - and allowed herself to collapse. Falling into her, she buried her head in the other woman's chest, hands coming up to latch onto the fabric of her shirt, desperate for something, anything to hold onto.

Magna flinched and her body became like a rock, rebelling at every place of contact between them.

Remembering herself, Yumiko moved to withdraw, "Shit, sorry, I-" but the arm around her tightened, keeping her in place. Slowly, she felt the muscles against her force themselves to relax as that arm found a surer purchase, pulling her closer. After a moment, she felt the slight weight of a chin coming to rest on her head, a hand coming up to find one of hers. Disentangling Yumiko 's almost rabid hold, they wrapped around her and squeezed, held tight and this-

This was better.

"Stay."

She did.

. . .

"I am your friend. a soul for your soul. a place for your life. home. know this. sun or water. here or away. we are a lighthouse. we leave. and we stay."

― Nayyirah Waheed

. . .

Magna knew that Miko's upbringing had been a fair bit more stable than hers. Parents divorced at nine, yes, but that was terribly common wasn't it? (and neither of them had tried to shoot the other.) She'd graduated at the top of her class, whilst Magna had been kicked out of three schools for fighting before her aunt and uncle had given up and stopped sending her. It wasn't a huge loss. The only classes she'd been doing well in were art and P.E. And whilst she had missed those it was a relief to get away from the taunting students and judgmental teachers.

Considering her criminal record that kept her from working at anything other than a seedy truck stop with its overly handsy customers, that had probably worked out for the best. Good grades wouldn't have been of any help to her by then.

She still laughed sometimes at the memory of Miko popping by on her shifts, how out of place she'd looked, sitting on a rickety stool behind the counter whilst Magna tended customers, still dressed in a suit from work that never seemed to wrinkle.

The pair of them had garnered more than a few looks.

But Miko had been at ease with it, picking at her fries - the only food on the menu that would probably pass a health inspection - making small talk, interjecting with the occasional complaint about Jerry, the company vulture, who kept trying to steal her clients. Magna had been confused by the attention, wary even. She'd wondered if the lawyer checked up on all her former clients like this, or if she was just a special case. She hadn't asked - she hadn't wanted to know the answer, to face the inevitable 'yes'.

A part of her had wanted to scare her off, had hated the way she got instantly on edge as soon as she saw Miko's form enter in the door, the way she felt even worse when she watched her leave out it. But another, more secret part, had been starved for company; the kind that didn't make her want to punch someone, anyway. So she'd held her tongue, and slowly let down her defenses.

Until one night, a trucker had gone to bite a chunk out of Miko's face.

It had been her turn to work the truck stop diner connected to the store, and Yumiko had been leaning against the counter, nursing a cup of too-sweet hot chocolate and conversing with her between customers. She'd just glanced down at her phone after hearing a ping and Magna had looked up at the sound, glimpsed the man lumbering closer, closer - too close.

She'd never been so glad of the quick reflexes life had beaten into her, because in that moment she hadn't needed to think. She'd shoved Miko back, a little too forcefully since she ended up hitting the ground with a smack that made Magna wince - but it was enough.

Her hand had been grabbing the knife from beneath the bench before she even registered, her arm jolting with the shock of sinking it into flesh that gave way too easily as she leapt across the counter, blood spattering against her face in a terrible sort of deja vu, her stomach turning - fuck fuck fuck - but he didn't fall, didn't scream; and then she'd grabbed Miko, tugged her up and ran, ears howling with the sound of all hell breaking loose around them. The police sirens in her head hadn't been real, she'd known they weren't, they couldn't be, not this soon, but her heart pounded in her chest from more than just adrenaline and fuck-

She'd done it again.

And just when she was finally starting to get used to freedom.

She hadn't realized until later that night, hauled up in her apartment - it had been closest and neither of them had really wanted to be alone after that - and watching the actual End of Days unfold on international television, that it had been the first time they'd touched. Magna had always kept a certain level of distance and Miko had never tried to cross it. Not until later that night, when Magna had reached out to stop her from leaving, when she'd collapsed into her arms with an ease that made Magna want to run out the door instead . . . and later when Miko grabbed her hand as she was heading to bed. It was just a moment, just a brief squeeze accompanied by a weak but grateful smile - but Magna had felt her heart try to escape her chest at that smile, at that touch . . .

It had just been a push. Barely anything compared to getting someone out of jail at least twelve years - though more likely an entire lifetime - earlier than expected. Especially when she still hadn't known that the person she'd been fighting so hard to free wasn't nearly as innocent as she'd assumed.

Somehow, the most surprising event of the night, was that Magna hadn't minded the touch, hadn't pulled away. More shocking, she'd missed it when it was gone; had felt empty each time Miko left her grasp, yearning to reach out and-

And that was when Magna had known she was screwed.

Miko told her that she'd known the same thing sometime around the third day of planning their trial strategy.

Thirteen years later and they were still pretty screwed.

. . .

"I've spent much too long in the space between staying and letting go."

- Perry Poetry

. . .

A/N: So this story has turned out to be a lot more Magna-centric then intended and that's not because I love Yumiko any less, I just find it easier to get inside the heads of characters like Magna. I'm used to writing somewhat dysfunctional people with more than a bit of trauma (probably cos I have a bit of trauma of my own lol). You know, the loveable walking disasters of the world. She might come off a bit ooc in this and that's partly because I'm still familiarizing myself with writing her and because she's a tad bit fragile after everything that's happened, which i think we all saw in last episode - Miko is also feeling pretty fragile for the same reason. Speaking of which. What. The. Fuck. It makes zero sense to me that these two would make up but still not get back together and I'm gonna sue the writers for torture if this keeps going on. So I had to write a fix-it fic. And I also felt like there was a lot these two still needed to talk about that I'm not entirely confident the show will ever address so voila a fic was made.

Also, just gonna note going forth that Magna’s own feelings about herself aren’t necessarily a reflection of my own feelings about her character. Girl’s got some insecurities to sort through. Likewise, her judgments - good and bad - about Yumiko aren’t necessarily true, either, for the same reason. It’s one of the causes for conflict in their relationship.

So there are probably two ways to look at how these two might have noticed they had feelings for each other: a) these two idiots have been in love for 13 years and were both too chicken and oblivious to do do anything about it, or b) their love developed slowly from the bonds of friendship over a very long time. I like both options but I decided to go with the former for this fic.

The series titles is from the song You by Keaton Henson. If you're familiar with the song - my Lost Girl buddies will be - don't worry nobody is going to die! that line just really fits them so much, and it's also about accepting the fact that you might lose the one you love but that doesn't mean you should be afraid of loving them or living your life.

. . .

OK, just gonna do a little shameless self-promotion, hope you don't mind :)

I made a yumagna vid so if you haven't seen it already and you're interested it's here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grzrpr0QZEE (I'm gonna do more so if you want to stay in the loop subscribe to my youtube channel. I'll probs end up doing a short one for Unsteady because of this fic but I'm holding out till we get a yumagna hug)

I have an insta for yumagna called @yumagnas.home . my multifandom one is @bonnielextra (lots of awesome women that i make edits for just fyi) and my personal one is @cissyalice. Hit me up so I can follow some more yumagna stans!

My twitter is @bonnielextra and @welcometocaritas (for my edits). Currently just a lot of crying about yumagna on the first one.

And my tumblr is welcometocaritas. Obviously no pressure to look at any of these but I just thought I'd put them in just case :)

#yumagna #magniko #the walking dead #nadia hilker #eleanor matsuura #yumagna edit #yumagna fanfic #magna twd #yumiko #yumiko twd #mypost #My posts #myfic #my fic #my edit #myedit

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welcometocaritas · 5 years

Text

‘IF YOU LOVE ME, DON’T LET Go’

First chapter of my yumagna fic is out ladies and gentlebabies!

Chapter: 2/7

Characters: Yumiko & Magna

Pairing: Yumagna

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Format: Multi-Chap

Summary: At some point, you just have to let go - or so Yumiko keeps telling herself.There was never any letting go of Magna.

Links: A03, FF.NET, Wattpad

A/N: This is a shorter chapter and is basically just a little look at Magna's history (I'll be getting into Yumiko's around about chapter 6).

I really didn't mean to make Magna's backstory as angsty as I did, it just sort of . . . happened as I was trying to figure out where her head's been at with her relationship with Yumiko, and why she's been doing some of the things she has. I don't take some of the situations I've used lightly, especially since they can be extremely triggering for people and I wanted everyone in the fandom to be able to read this. The child sexual abuse is in there because I'm pretty sure that's what the show was implying when they mentioned Magna's cousin. Everything's pretty much implied or referenced. I don't think I go into great detail. There are no actual scenes with the stuff.

So I've done some half-assessed calculations that are probably shit but I'm gonna go with them for the sake of this story - I'm a little worried that lack of sleep might have made me mess up some of the maths but oh well. I used the actresses' real ages for this, went back 10 years to before the apocalypse so Yumiko would have been around 27 and Magna around 22. Now Magna had to have been out of prison long enough to get a job - which is NOT easy to do but I decided to grant her a stroke of luck and had her being out of prison for around at least a year. Now Michonne mentioned hard prison time - whether Magna actually experienced much of this time, or if it was just that she expected to and got a tattoo before being allowed out early is up in the air - and I've gone with giving her about three-four years in prison, because I didn't really want to drop below the age of 17 for her being sentenced. I'm headcannoning their meeting when Miko was 24 and Magna was 19, so about her second-third year in prison.

Also my understanding of the law is . . . not great? I basically only know what I've gleaned from reading about injustices and corruption in the system so if you're a lawyer and notice any mistakes please don't crucify me and I didn't do much research for this story when I normally do heaps cos I wanted to get it finished quickly. However, I have based a lot of the incidents mentioned throughout this fic on real situations/cases that I've read about so there is that element of truth to it. I did my best anyway. I think the issue will be that there are a lot of variations between states and laws changing over the years. I recently fell down a Proven Innocent rabbit hole because Rachelle Lefevre playing a bisexual is hard to pass up and, like with Nadia Hilker, I'm addicted to her hair (Abbey knows I have a hair fetish, she understands my weakness when it comes to these things).

"I learned at a young age that if I was ever going to see justice for the wrongs done to me, I had to find it myself."

― Erin Merryn

. . .

Magna didn't think she'd ever regret what she did - the bastard deserved it, and if the justice system wasn't such a joke she never would have had to go to such lengths - but she did regret what it had done to her relationship with Miko. What she had done. Lying wasn't difficult for her - even if she had always preferred a more blunt approach, along with the honesty that entailed - but lying to Yumiko had been . . .

She'd hated every second of it. Hated even more the toxic resentment that had started to build up inside her as a result, the way a gentle kiss could make her stomach turn, her thoughts sickening her as they bubbled up from the dark pit in which she tried to keep them contained; the number of times a loving look had made her want to snap, to let the truth fly free and watch as everything between them burnt to ashes.

(it'd be everything she had been waiting for, after all - for thirteen years)

Because Miko . . . Miko was so good. And she cared so much, sometimes more than Magna could bear, and none of it was real. All those feelings had grown from a lie that she'd never had the courage to uproot, to set before them and watch as the disgust bled into her lover's - her best friend's - eyes. Because Miko thought she was good as well, and whilst Magna didn't think that what she'd done was wrong, she also knew it wasn't right. Justice, maybe- definitely, but not Miko's version of justice. Not part of the framework she had chosen to study and dedicate her life to. Magna's version of justice didn't fit in her world, couldn't and worse . . .

Neither did Magna.

She hadn't been able to trust Yumiko's love for her, that it could withstand the impact of truly knowing her; and in the end, she'd only sabotaged what she had hoped to protect. She was self-aware enough to realize that part of that had been intentional. When their relationship had crossed over the border of friendship, when they had gotten all that more close, too close, something inside Magna had rebelled. Something panicky and defensive, revolting at the love that was building inside her, the safety she felt lying in Miko's arms (a place she never wanted to leave); that fear that it was only temporary, too temporary, that one day Miko would wake up and realize just who she'd fallen into bed with, and then it would all be over. The longer it continued the worse it would hurt. She hadn't been able to wait around for it to get to that stage. Instead, she'd forced the gears into rapid motion, propelling herself towards that inevitable heartbreak whilst she still had some heart left for herself, before she gave it all away to Miko.

(and deep down, knowing it was already too late, that Yumiko had taken her heart years ago, and Magna had barely murmured a protest)

It had been impulsive. And stupid.

And after everything was said and done it still fucking hurt. It hurt so much she could barely breathe in the aftermath.

She hadn't been able to save herself from that.

And she'd tried to explain to Miko why she'd done it but it had been a poor attempt, born more out of spite than any rational thinking. She hadn't even really tried. Because in the end, she hadn't seen the point. Wasted energy. Wasted hope. She couldn't see a future in which Miko would be able to understand. To understand and forgive her and love her still.

Because she couldn't understand, not really.

(and sometimes she hated her for that)

Because Miko was a good ass fucking lawyer and she had seen the system work as a result, but all Magna had ever known were its failures: how she'd had to move in with her uncle and his wife after her mum had gone to prison for killing her own father, never mind that it had been in self-defense; and later, watching the sick bastard who'd preyed on her cousin be allowed to walk free even after pleading guilty - rather, from what she'd gathered, because he had pled guilty, his easy compliance and willingness to accept a deal leading him to walk free with barely a slap on the wrist fine and a registration as a level 1 sex couldn't even search his name or address on the local registry when he was considered that low a risk.

How the fuck was any of that justice?

Though, she supposed she should be grateful, in a way. That same system that had wreaked havoc across her life had also allowed her to be released after only serving four years - less than - when Miko had found far too many ways to poke holes in her case; much better than the life sentence she'd been staring into ever since she'd left the courthouse for the final time.

To be fair, the case against her had been less than flimsy in the first place, the evidence circumstantial at best - they'd never even found the murder weapon. Surprisingly, all those cop shows she'd binged growing up actually came in handy for something. She wasn't an idiot, she planned ahead, did what she could to cover up.

But she'd also been realistic. She'd known back when the crime was still only a hypothetical in her head that getting away with it wasn't the most likely outcome, that she'd probably go to prison, maybe even for the rest of her life. But as long as he didn't get to live his - as long as he wasn't given a chance to do to another child what he'd done to her cousin -that had seemed like an acceptable price. It wasn't like she'd had much going for her, anyway. Hell, given the state of her bank account and failed education, she probably would have ended up going to jail for petty theft one day, regardless.

And at least you got free boarding and meals in prison - though she would have rather starved and slept on the street than feel so trapped every second of her life, to the point that when freedom did come it was that which felt unnatural to her.

If Magna's court-appointed lawyer hadn't been breaking under the weight of over a hundred ongoing cases she might never have been sentenced in the first place. Not that she had even had it in her to care at the time. Even now, those months were almost a complete blank in her memory. She could remember that she'd been in a daze for most of it, that she hadn't been feeling much of anything - a welcome liberation from the all-consuming rage that had burned within her for months before she drew that knife: not when the police locked her in handcuffs that pinched at her skin; not sitting in that courtroom with the press of too many people's eyes on her; and not when the door to her prison cell had slammed shut for the first time.

She could maybe recall her lawyer snapping at her more than once, frustrated and helpless as she refused to offer more than the occasional one word answer or grunt.

Years later, when Miko had finally come onto the scene, she'd been far more awake to her circumstances; too awake.

But she'd do it all over again, even now. Even with the memory of that look haunting the space between them, the way her heart had drawn in on itself, shuddering under the weight of all the judgment she'd expected but still not been prepared for.

He deserved it.

How could she let him just walk away?

How did Magna explain to Miko that the law she'd devoted her life to was nothing but shit? It was all gone now, anyway, the system that had ruined her life fallen away into dust along with the rest of civilization.

But Miko . . . Miko still looked on that lost world fondly, she missed it in a way that Magna never could and . . . even with all that rage boiling inside of her, begging her for an outlet, she couldn't take that from her; didn't want to.

One of them should have something worth remembering in this nightmare.

Magna could be selfish. She'd be the first to admit it. But she was also incredibly selfish about the people she loved. They came first - and fuck the rest of the world. And Miko . . . Miko was on the top of that list. It had killed her, being stuck in that cave, knowing that she had hurt her, that the last thing she would probably ever do in this sorry life was hurt the only woman she had ever loved.

And she wouldn't do that again.

Except she probably would. Because that's what she did.

She messed everything up. Including her and Miko.

But maybe that was for the best. She and Miko . . . they weren't compatible. They were like oil and water that had fallen into the same bowl and ended up stuck together, but always separate; Magna heavy and sinking to the bottom whilst Yumiko floated to the top, always.

They weren't meant to bond.

(but they did and they did it so well that-)

She didn't think she would ever be as open and trusting as Miko - but life experience warned her that that was probably a good thing, especially if she wanted to survive in a world where the dead wanted to eat you and most of the living wanted to kill you. It scared her, how easily Miko - and even Connie and Luke - let people in. She was terrified it was going to get them killed one day.

Kelly was more like Magna in that respect. They were both always preparing themselves for the eventual fallout. It was why Magna hadn't even had to bring up the idea of creating a stash - they'd both already fallen into the familiar habit of scrounging away what they could. In the past, that kind of safety net had been the difference between life and death. She hadn't felt good about it. Of course she hadn't. She liked the people at Hilltop, as much as she liked anyone who she couldn't allow herself to grow attached to, and she was so fucking grateful to be taken in by them, to finally have a home. But homes never lasted. Even before the Apocalypse they were nothing but a false promise you would end up hanging yourself with if you didn't keep your guard up. And Yumiko, Connie, Luke and Kelly were hers. They were her people. And at the end of the day, they came first. She had to protect them. Even if it meant doing things that they would never agree to, things they might later end up hating her for.

And Kelly. . . Kelly understood that because she was hard in a way that the others weren't and she had Connie. Kelly would do anything for Connie.

The thing was, even if she and Yumiko decided to try again, even if they could move past this, Magna didn't think she could change that part of herself. She didn't want to change it. How could she when it had the potential to keep Miko alive? She would rather destroy their relationship beyond repair than one day have to drive a knife through Miko's skull because she had failed to do the only thing she had ever been any good at - keeping them just that little inch further away from death's door.

Ten years and most of their group was still alive whilst the rest of the world had become a sea of ravenous corpses and that . . . that had to count for something.

It had to.

. . .

"What are you afraid of?

that you love him

or that you 've lost him

either way the heart beating in your chest

didn 't originally belong to you."

— You'll Be Buried With Him Painted Over You by Abby S

A/N: I tried to think about what kind of life experiences might have shaped Magna to be someone who could do what she did. Cos no matter how many of us might want to punish bastards like that when they do commit these crimes, most of us don't actually do it. There are things that restrain us. Certain moral codes, fear, faith in the justice system, having things that we don't want to lose, not being ready to sacrifice our freedom and our future if we get caught. For whatever reason, most people just don't cross that line. So I thought a lot about what we'd seen of Magna and the kind of person she is and how her past might have shaped her to be able to make that choice. I mean Magna cares about the people she considers hers a lot and she's very protective, so that's obviously a large part of it, but I knew there also had to be more. Also it's my head cannon that Magna loves kids, like they're one of her weak spots, but she keeps her distance from them because they remind her of her cousin, and because of the person she's become since her cousin died. . . . OK, just gonna do a little shameless self-promotion, hope you don't mind :)

My twitter is @bonnielextra and @tocaritas (for my edits). Currently just a lot of crying about yumagna on the first one.

And my tumblr is welcometocaritas. Obviously no pressure to look at any of these but I just thought I'd put them in just case :)

#yumagna #magniko #the walking dead #magna twd #yumiko twd #yumiko x magna #yumagna edit #yumagna fanfic #nadia hilker #eleanor matsuura #twd edit #twd fanfiction #mypost #my post #myfic

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welcometocaritas · 3 years

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Nadia Hilker | I Lived

So guys, I know this isn’t my best edit. Brain fog and depression have made being creative very difficult and I almost didn’t make this because I was scared I’d fail and it would turn out really horrible. But I chipped away at it for the last couple of months and although it’s not my best, I don’t think it came out too terrible in the end. I’m glad I did make it. So if any of you are suffering from low confidence right now or are afraid of not being good or perfect, just do it anyway. Make what you want to make. It doesn’t have to be good or perfect because in the end you made something. Something that came from you. And that’s worth a lot more. Sending everyone lots of hugs

. . .

Also if you guys are interested in yumagna or sea mechanic fanfics, here are the links to mine :)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26614768/chapters/64893838

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676368

#nadia hilker #nadia hilker edit #the walking dead #twd #the 100 #luna kom floukru #yumagna #magna twd #the walking dead edit #twd edit #the 100 edit #the 100 vid #fanvid #omgpage #myvid #my vid #mypost #my post #Youtube

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welcometocaritas · 3 years

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Magna [TWD] || A Different Perspective

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Actress: Nadia Hilker

Character: Magna

Coloring: oncer studios

Please don't repost/steal

If you want to share on instagram or twitter here are the links: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CS1ihCApwXn/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

https://twitter.com/ToCaritas/status/1429447024819146754?s=20

Can't believe we finally have this girl back. I've missed her so much. I really hope she gets more screentime/story this season.

One of the fonts is inspired by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsUiD_DfKAE&t=0s

And I've updated my yumagna fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29462409/chapters/82989928

#the walking dead #yumagna #magna twd #twd #nadia hilker #nadia hilker edit #the walking dead edit #twd edit #magna the walking dead #mypost #my post #my vid #myvid #Youtube

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welcometocaritas · 3 years

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Magna + Yumiko | When It Comes To Us

Fandom: The Walking dead (TWD)

Actresses: Nadia Hilker, Eleanor Matsuura

Coloring: Big Little Lies by Lightningxdisaster

Song: When it comes to us by Frances (ft. Ritual)

Please don't steal/repost

So this is just a really rough edit guys, sorry. But God I miss them. I really wish the show would at least throw us some scraps by having magna or miko mention the other. I'm honestly so desperate at this point lol.

Also if you guys are interested in yumagna or sea mechanic fanfics, here are the links to mine :)

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676368

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26614768

#yumagna #the walking dead #twd #nadia hilker #eleanor matsuura #yumiko twd #magna twd #Yumiko Okumura #my vid #omgpage #fanvid #my post #myvid #mypost #the walking dead edit #the walking dead fanvid #Youtube

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welcometocaritas · 4 years

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Yumagna + Sea Mechanic // 'I belong with you, you belong with me'

These are also two of my favorite ships with four of my favorite characters in them, so a mashup was necessary. Also both yumagna and seamechanic deserve so much better :(

(this was originally made for instagram so that’s why the size is all weird, sorry guys)

Fandoms: The Walking dead & The 100 Characters: Magna & Yumiko, Luna kom Floukru & Raven Reyes Actresses: Nadia Hilker, Eleanor Matsuura & Lindsey Morgan

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welcometocaritas · 5 years

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Magna + Yumiko || 'how do I lose you when you're standing right in front of me?'

Please don't steal/repost. so these guys have been hell on my anxiety what with all the ups and downs and near death experiences. but i love each of these characters and their relationship so much that they're also keeping me from falling into a depressive slump, especially since i've been having a lot of CFS/Fibro flare-ups. so grateful to these two amazing actresses for bringing them to life. i just hope we get more of them. when i say these guys have my heart and soul . . . honestly i haven't felt this way about a ship since clexa and eryka/elise on the tunnel (that's actually probably a bad omen). obviously those ships were given a lot more attention by the writers but there's so much potential here. the actresses are fantastic and they're exactly the kind of characters/relationship i'm drawn to Fandom: The Walking Dead (TWD) Ship: Yumagna Actresses: Eleanor Matsuura, Nadia Hilker Coloring: kindon18 (healer with soft contrast added)

#yumagna #nadia hilker #eleanor matsuura #magna x yumiko #the walking dead #twd edit #femslash #wlw #f/f #magniko #magna twd #yumiko twd #fanvid feed #fanvid #omg page #omgpage #femslash edit #myvid #mypost

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welcometocaritas · 5 years

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‘IF YOU LOVE ME, DON’T LET GO’

Chapter: 4/7

Characters: Yumiko & Magna

Pairing: Yumagna

Fandom: The Walking Dead

Format: Multi-Chap

Summary: At some point, you just have to let go - or so Yumiko keeps telling herself. There was never any letting go of Magna.

Links: A03, FF.NET, Wattpad

A/N: so these two finally start sorting out some of their shit in this chapter. Magna has Issues™ and Yumiko is still very hurt but they love each other enough to make it work. They just need to work on their communication.

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us."

― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

Magna's skin itched, trapped inside the filthy clothes she'd been wearing for what had to be four days now - though time had been hard to keep track of when they'd still been in the cave, nothing but darkness and more darkness. She'd seen light when the others had disappeared out the opening, but she didn't know whether that meant it was the same day they'd ended up trapped inside, or if night had come and gone beyond their sight. The not knowing had itched at her every bit as relentlessly as her clothes did now - not knowing how long she'd been away from Miko, completely ignorant to the multitude of horrors that could have struck already during that time; what hardships the other woman could be enduring right that second, with Magna miles away and unable to do a thing.

Things could turn sideways in an instant. Safety and survival were never assured, never something to be counted on. Magna had learnt that even before the world went to hell and it was a truth that had only become more concrete in the ten years since.

And yet it was a thing she'd forgotten that day she'd set out from Hilltop without a goodbye, not even looking back for one last glimpse of the only person she'd ever allowed herself to fully love since her cousin.

She'd just . . . walked away.

Frustrated with herself, Magna pulled at the collar of her shirt - the thing almost seemed intent to strangle her; like it, too, stood in harsh judgment of her actions.

There was a stream nearby that Miko had helped her use to wash the blood and decay off her skin but there'd been no helping the state of her clothes, and nothing else to change into - at that moment, she missed the familiar embrace of her long coat; the thing was probably little more than a pile of ashes by now . . .

So besides feeling wildly uncomfortable, Magna knew she also had to stink, mostly because she could smell it.

She would have felt self-conscious about the fact if she and Miko hadn't already held each other through worse states.

Still, she regretted adding yet another thing to the list of reasons Miko had to find fault in her.

She had yet to complain about it. But, then, Miko rarely complained about anything. She endured everything with a grace that was almost frustrating.

- Yumiko's voice face trembling with barely suppressed fury, Magna's body jolting with the yell and following crack -

She shifted and the hand in her hair moved down momentarily to stroke the side of her forehead, a soothing hum reverberating in the chest above her.

Magna closed her eyes and inhaled.

Miko broke the silence.

"I missed you," she commented, so easily, like she wasn't tearing at Magna's heart with each word.

She covered the feeling with a snort. "Really? I haven't exactly been the best company lately."

"Don't be an idiot," Miko scolded. "I love you. Of course, I missed you."

Rip.

Magna tensed and she had to stop herself from reaching up to her chest, to check for entry wounds. It was nothing. Just her ribs after one too many times falling on them inside that cave. It was-

Thirteen years and still neither of them had said those words to each other. In so many ways, she had both dreaded and longed to hear them - even as she sensed their truth in almost everything the other woman did: the way Miko held her at night; the desperate urgency bleeding through some of their kisses, which was about so much more than mere desire; the tenderness she would catch in Miko's gaze too often, meant only for her.

Sighing, Magna extracted herself from the safety of the other woman's lap, forcing herself to sit up and face her.

The time for hiding was over, she knew.

The hand in her hair tensed for a second but let her go.

"Yumiko. . . what I did." She looked down. Because despite dancing around the topic, they still hadn't confronted it head on.

Something Magna had been grateful for.

But she knew they had to, or it would be just like before, Magna constantly afraid that one day Miko would look up and see her and hate what she saw.

And history had proved that their relationship couldn't survive that fear dangling between them. Magna had tried, she really had . . .

But that had been her first mistake.

Miko sighed, shaking her head. "It was never about what you did, Magna. At least, not mostly. I know who you are. Inside, deep down. At least," she looked down a moment, "I thought I did until I found out you'd been lying to me for thirteen years. Thirteen years, Magna, I . . ." This time her head shook with a speechless incapability to process her own words, the enormity of what they contained, and Magna felt something hot and heavy settle in her chest.

Guilt.

Not one of her regular emotions, but she was familiar enough to dread its approach.

She looked away for a moment, searching, as if the trees could provide her with the right words to apologize, to explain. She wasn't used to analyzing her own actions, to looking back and picking each move apart, studying it, organizing them into some crude field of data that actually made sense.

But . . . she'd had a lot of time to think in that cave. To wonder. And to regret.

Facing Yumiko once more, she took a breath. "I'm sorry. The longer I kept it a secret, the harder it became to tell you . . . until I just couldn't keep it a secret anymore."

It wasn't nearly enough of an explanation and it certainly wasn't much of an apology but it had still felt like pulling teeth.

Miko's face was expressionless. "I'm glad," she said bluntly and didn't miss the face Magna pulled in response. "Really." Seeing that she was still unconvinced she sighed, taking a moment to collect the right words. "It's a part of you. And I've always, always wanted to know all of you. Even the parts that hurt. But the lies . . ." She shook her head. "It made me feel like I couldn't trust you. Like I didn't know you, not really."

Magna broke their gaze, latching onto one singular tree in the distance, trying to find something to hold onto that wasn't the hurt in Yumiko's eyes. "You're the only person who's ever really known me."

Yumiko nodded slowly, taking that in.

When she looked down again, the movement drew Magna's attention to their joined hands and she realized suddenly that, not only had she not let go after leaving her hold, she'd started squeezing too tight. Exhaling, she forced her grip to relax.

Miko was still here, she wasn't leaving, not yet.

She drew upon that for courage. "All my life, you're the only person who's ever looked at me like I'm actually worth something." True, Maisie had looked at her like she hung the stars, but that kid had loved everyone, the good and the bad, much like Judith - and it had taken everything in Magna to accept the expectant and oh so innocent hand held out to her that day, to not run.

And Connie, Kelly and Luke . . . they needed her and they cared for her. Magna was useful, she knew how to use a weapon and she'd drawn first blood even before the collapse of society had forced that out of the rest of them. She never hesitated, and that had been the difference between life and death on more than several occasions. She kept them alive. Or, at least, she tried.

But it had been circumstance that had thrown them together, desperation. The apocalypse made for strange bedfellows and the fight for survival had just sort of made them . . . stick.

But Miko . . . Miko had chosen her. She'd lived through the latter half of her prison days, her trial, and even after she'd succeeded in doing all she'd come to do, she'd stayed. She'd stayed when there had been nothing to keep her there.

Nothing but Magna.

Thirteen years later and she still didn't know what to do with that information.

Miko stared at her now, mouth opening and closing, eyes becoming wet. "It didn't," she broke out at last. "But it hurt so much to think that in all those years you'd never really trusted me. When I trusted you most of all."

Magna looked away, the words like knives to her heart, punishing. "It was never about that."

"It was completely about that," Miko hissed and Magna drew back on instinct, hand slipping away.

"I . . ." And maybe it had been. But that was never, she'd never meant to- ". . . I'm sorry."

Yumiko took a breath, looking up at the night sky as she tried to collect herself. She was blinking back tears. The realization hit harder than any punch to the gut Magna had ever received.

She'd done that.

She searched for something to say, something that would make this better, that would wipe the pain from Miko's face and return the smile that she'd first fallen in love with, all those years ago, even when the sight had scared her for the feelings it evoked. But all she could come up with was, "I'm sorry."

And she was.

She always had been, even beneath the white-hot rage that had been flooding her veins for weeks, that had led to her spewing out the truth to Miko before either of them had been ready - and yet, at the same time arriving, far too late. The resentment that had caused her to walk away so many times, to turn up the music in a dismissal that had been rude at best and cruel at worst.

She had always been sorry.

Hurting Miko had been like hurting herself, but she'd had enough practice in that arena to stubbornly charge ahead anyway.

For too long they sat in silence - Magna waiting; fearing; hoping. Just when she was beginning to think that this was it, she'd ruined it, for real this time, she felt something brush against her hand. Glancing down, she found that Miko's own hand had inched back towards hers at some point, was now lying open on her thigh, inviting.

Hesitantly, Magna placed hers on top, the breath rushing into her lungs as Miko's hand closed around it, fastening into place; holding tight.

They sat in silence for a little longer - but it didn't hurt nearly as much.

"I know it's not easy for you to let people in," Yumiko granted at last. "But you can't shut me out again, not like that. You were so angry with me and I didn't even know why. This relationship, friendship, whatever we are to each other . . . it can't work. Not like that. Do you get that?"

Magna continued to avoid her eyes, knowing the desperate plea that would greet her if she didn't. "Yeah. I just . . ."

She breathed out, frustrated at herself, at her inability to articulate all the feelings raging inside her, the chaos of thoughts that attacked her constantly, the confusing stream that even she struggled to puzzle out.

Miko ducked her head, searching out Magna's eyes, urging her to look at her as she offered a faint smile. "I don't need all of you all at once. And we all have things that we deserve to keep to ourselves, if that's what we want." Now it was her turn to grip Magna's hand tight and she both ached and thrilled under the pressure. "But I need to know that you're trying. That this won't happen again. No more walls or passive-aggressive bullshit."

The snort escaped her before she could stop it. "You realize that that's like ninety percent of my personality, right?"

She rolled her eyes. "Magna-" but the younger woman was already reaching out, catching the hand that wasn't tangled between them with her own, stilling her. "I'll try." Gently, she brought it down to rest in Miko's lap, bringing all their hands to join together at last. "I'm not good at any of this."

Miko's frown broke into a smile, teasing. "What? Having a romantic relationship with your best friend in the middle of an apocalypse?"

She allowed a slight a smirk at the words. "Best friend, huh?"

But Yumiko's expression had turned thoughtful as she spared only the slightest nod. "It goes both ways, you know?"

Magna frowned in confusion, opened her mouth but Miko was already continuing. "No one knows me better than you." She bit her lip and, drawn by the action, Magna's eyes flickered down against her control. She allowed the temptation to pass over her, refusing to give in. They weren't there, not yet. "And you're the only person I still have from before. You're the only person who knows 'lawyer Yumiko', who remembers my mother, and how I used to be addicted to caramel frappuccinos with extra whipped cream and crazy amounts of chocolate syrup-"

"So gross."

Miko's eyes danced. "You've been by my side for thirteen years and I've loved you for almost every one of them. There's no other person I'd want to be known by."

Magna's breath caught in her throat. "I . . ."

"Shh." Yumiko freed a hand, her thumb pressing against her parted lips, a fleeting glance of pressure, before she soothed it over the hard rise of Magna's cheek. "You don't have to say it. I know. I've always known."

"But I . . ." But she wanted to. Not for the first time, she felt the words pressing at the back of her throat, pleading to get out . . .

And still all she could do was choke on them.

"I know, Magna."

"i'm not so good at the 'words' thing," says the poet. says the author. says the girl who loves words more than anything else.

"i'm not so good at the 'words' thing," she says, but it's not what she means. words are easy, woven syllables in a typed-up tapestry. truth is not as easy. emotions are not as easy.

she means to say, "i don't know how to say this without cracking myself open." she means to say, "i don't know how to say this without bleeding." she means to say, "i know exactly how to say this, but i'm scared."

she means to say a lot of things, but all that comes out is:

"i'm not so good at the 'words' thing." and she doesn't mean it."

- gallixie (tumblr)

...

"You can run away from yourself so often, and so much, just because the broken pieces of you cut your feet too deeply if you stay around for too long. But then what if someone were to come along and pick up those pieces for you? Then you wouldn't have to run away from yourself anymore. You could stop running. If someone sees you as something worth staying with— maybe you'll stay with yourself, too."

― C. JoyBell C

A/N: hopefully this made up a little for some of the angst? Much more softness to come. Next chapter is still from Magna's POV but in chapter 6 we get to dive into Miko and see some of her backstory cos she is a queen and deserves the attention every bit as much.

As always, reviews are like oxygen to me - so please let me know what you think, or just you know come and cry with me about yumagna (I'm bonnielextra or welcometocaritas on twitter and or bonnielextra on instagram). I appreciate so much what you guys have told me about this story, means the world <3

#yumagna #the walking dead #nadia hilker #eleanor matsuura #the walking dead edit #twd #twd edit #twd fanfiction #magniko #magna x yumiko #magna twd #yumiko twd #yumiko #mypost #my post #myfic #my fic #yumagna fic

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