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alphabetbill · 2 years

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Bill Skarsgard Alphabet- Your relationship with Bill

Here’s a list from A-Z about what your relationship with Bill would be like.

A list of headcannons of what Bill x reader’s relationship.

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Note- If one of the letters is flagged with an asterixis * it means it is slightly suggestive or NSFW.

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A- Affection

Bill is actually quite affectionate with you, always preferring to have one arm around you shoulders when sitting on the couch together, holding your hand, quick kisses on the head, cheek and shoulder. Warm hugs from behind, with Bill resting his chin on your head. He likes to reassure himself by being in the comfort of your company, and it always feels so strange when he’s away from you filming on set. He likes to cuddle a lot when he wants to relax and unwind, because Bill is a pretty busy dude so whenever he can get the chance to sit back and rest with you, it’s usually on the bed taking a quick power nap before it’s back to it again.

B- Buying gifts

Bill isn’t really big on receiving big fancy gifts, because really, what would he need them for? You are the same. He does make sure to stop at each place on his press tours and pick out a souvenir to bring home to you. He also likes bringing home little props or souvenirs from set. You still have the little Pennywise teddy he got you sitting over on your desk. The little red pom-pom nose and the orange yarn fluffy hair is so adorable.

C- Comfort

When you are feeling down or sad, Bill can nearly always pick up on it straight away. He has a way with reading people’s emotions and then employing the method of comfort that would best suit the situation. If you want to talk, he will listen, and if you want to be left alone, he will do that, but not for too long.

He’ll check up on you every so often through the day just to make sure you’re okay. Bill’s warm, gigantic hugs and reassuring kisses always manage to make you feel a bit better. When it’s Bill whose feeling off, you let him talk. Bill isn’t the kind of guy to be able to keep things bottled up for a long period of time because it tends to make him feel tired and weighed down, and that’s not a fun time for either of you. You always listen to him when he vents everything he’s feeling, usually with his head in your lap and you playing with his hair or his hands.

D- Date

Bill would be a chill, relaxing type of guy when it comes to dates. He knows that you don’t want to be doing something big and exciting every single time, that would be tiring. He loves taking you out for dinner, but he loves making dinner for you and setting up a romantic little dinner date out on the porch or terrace, and surprising you. Often, dates between you two will be completely out of the blue. ‘Hey, want to go somewhere?’ ‘Hey lets go for a picnic by the beach’.

On the days when you guys do feel like doing something more adventurous, the zoo tends to be the fan favourite, and you also like to go skiing, and hiking to see new places and things.

E- Encouragement/Excitement

You are both very supportive of each other and your professions, so much so that as soon as the other person catches a whiff of success, you are there to celebrate with each other by any means. You and Bill like to hype each other up and get all excited when the other person gets excited, almost as if your happiness is conjoined. You are always excited for Bill’s new projects, and support him through it all the way up until it’s completed and ready for the world to see.

F- Fighting

Bill likes to avoid conflict, especially if it involves any kind of yelling and screaming at you, someone he loves. He doesn’t believe that yelling helps at all, infact it only makes matters worse, and instead of actually getting the other person to listen to them, it only makes them more mad and they keep on yelling when no one is actually listening. He doesn’t like yelling at you because it feels almost violent, and he doesn’t want to scare you into listening to him. He’s aware of how intimidating he looks when he’s mad. He encourages the both of you to instead sit down and talk about things maturely, talking about how he feels and why he feels that way, and always attentively listening to what you have to say as well. It’s important in the relationship that you have a sense of equality, that both go heard and your opinions both valued. From then on, depending on the severity of the argument, you move on to figure out the best solution to moving past it or around it.

G- Gestures

Bill is big on friendly, helpful little gestures to remind you that he loves you. You both like to leave little notes in places for each other to find, with quotes or reassurances written on them like ‘You can do this!’ ‘I love you!’ ‘You look amazing today’. It gives you guys a little confidence boost, because sometimes you both need it. In terms of physical gestures, Bill likes to hold your hand a lot of the time when you walk, almost as if you might wander off and get lost if he lets go. He also likes to buy you flowers. If he sees a bunch of flowers in the shop window from the corner of his eye, and he instantly thinks of you, he will buy them for you. You aren’t really sure what use you would have for flowers, but you absolutely admire the sweet gesture.

H- How you sleep

It’s no secret that Bill is a very tall and lanky person. Because of this, sometimes its hard for him to find just the right position to sleep it, however he has learned to adjust and adapt to any position or place to make it feel comfortable. He lays on his back a lot of the time and pulls you close to him, either tucked up beside him with your arm across his torso, or with your head on his chest or heart while he plays with your hair.

You both talk for hours, and will stay up until you fall asleep mid conversation. It’s funny when Bill will be talking, and he goes to ask you a question, and he finds you fast asleep beside him. ‘Seriously? Did you just fall asleep on me? Were you listening to any of that?”

I- Impression

When Bill was first introduced to you, he thought you were so gorgeous and beautiful, with that amazing smile and beautiful eyes. He is a bit nervous at the best of times, but you made him particularly nervous. He always was conscious over the way he spoke to you and how he appealed to you. He’s had a giant crush on you since the day he met you, and knew instantly that if he didn’t do something to make you his, he would never be the same.

Your impression of him was similar. You could not believe such a handsome guy was standing right there talking to you! He made you feel a bit self-conscious, and you couldn’t form a single coherent sentence in your mind without feeling overwhelmingly flushed by him standing next to you, or ‘accidentally’ brushing up against you.

J- Jokes

Are you and Bill a playful or more serious couple?

You two are able to maintain a healthy balance of both playful and serious. You like to tease each other a lot, particularly about the height difference, and Bill’s unholy inhuman tallness. You always joke to him about how secretly Bill must have been born in a zoo to a giraffe and then dropped in Sweden by accident.

You both know when to be serious though, and understand that not everything can be all fun and games. If someone isn’t feeling great, you can learn to adjust and turn the jokes down to make sure they are okay.

K- Kids

Bill would absolutely love to have kids with you, ideally two, not anywhere near as many as how many his parents had. He wants to be able to spread his fatherly love between children and make time for them both equally, and adore them as much as he adores you.

L- Love

What does Bill love the most about you?

Physically, Bill is in love with two things- your smile and your hair. Both of these things are the two things that he thinks are flawlessly, effortlessly perfect every single time he sees you, even if you wake up in the morning with a serious case of bedhead. But Bill loves everything about you, most of all how supportive you are, and how you are always there for him even if you don’t have to be.

M- Memory/moment

Your favourite memory of you and Bill together is how it felt when he kissed you for the first time. You remember all the tingling feelings, and how excited and nervous you were, but happy that this was finally happening.

Bill’s favourite memory is when you said yes to going out with him for the first time. He felt so accomplished and happy with himself, like if he could get the girl, he could do anything. He remembers feeling surprised that you said yes, and how scared he was that you would turn him down and tell him you weren’t interested in him in that way.

*N- Nudes

Usually, if you do send them, it’s when Bill is away in Toronto filming a movie and he’s missing you. You both tend to flirt over text more than you do in real life.

O- Optimist level

You and Bill are both optimistic and realistic. You can see both the good side of things and the bad.

P- Period

When you are on your period, Bill knows instantly that it’s gonna be a pretty crappy time for you, so he tries to make it as least crappy as possible. He has a basket of chocolate reserved just for you on the days when it’s bad, and stays home with you all day cuddling and watching movies. If you are in a significant amount of pain, he will do most practical things for you like house work. He’s very sweet and caring for you, running to the store to get products and shamelessly carrying them. Anything for you, he’s not embarrassed, he knows that it’s a normal thing and it should be normalized for boyfriends to buy their girlfriends products.

Q- Quality Time- how do you spend it?

You and Bill spend all the time you can possibly get with each other. All the time is quality time with you guys, and Bill makes time to set aside his work or script reading to spend time with you. He’s away for long periods of time, so he wants to make sure that he can spend enough time with you to make up for that, and make sure that you know he loves you.

R- Romantic- how much of a romantic are they?

Oh. Bill is romantic. He especially likes to wine and dine with you, making the whole setting perfect just for you. He manages to make everything romantic, everything he does, and you aren’t sure if he’s doing it on purpose or whether that’s just him as a person.

*S- Sex

You and Bill do it often, but its not seen as something at the top of importance between you. You prefer to spend time talking together and just enjoying each other’s company, rather than getting all physical. That kind of intimacy is done in the bedroom every couple of days or so, or really whenever you feel the need to. It’s important to also note that Bill is very respectful about it, and always makes sure that whatever he does you are comfortable with.

Anywhere outside the privacy of the bedroom for him always feels so awkward, and he likes both of you to be comfortable.

T- Trust

You trust Bill with your life, and he trusts you too. You feel safe opening up to him and telling him things that you normally wouldn’t tell people. You know that he would never cheat on you, and don’t get easily jealous by girls that he kisses or fake hooks up with in movies. You know that this is all staged and it is a part of acting, and always makes sure that Bill knows that it’s okay.

U- Understand

You and Bill understand each other very well. There are of course some things that you don’t get about each other, like why you like certain foods that do not go together, why you believe something, things like that. You think alike in terms of the way you look at life, and how you see the world. You feel like you guys just get each other, y’know?

V- Vulnerability

Bill is very open with you about how he feels, and you are to him as well. If he’s sad or upset he will tell you and talk about it. He isn’t afraid that crying will make him seem less of a man, and also doesn’t judge you when you cry around him. Bill is a sap and definitely cries in sad scenes of movies.

W- Wedding- What would your ideal wedding be?

Bill would want it to be fantastic and memorable, as I’m sure everyone would. His family and friends would be there and so would yours. It would be an outdoors wedding beneath the sunshine- provided it doesn’t rain. You would most likely go on a honeymoon to somewhere you have both always wanted to go, and it would be an amazing, relaxing get away.

*X- X-rated

Does Bill have any kinks?

Most likely no, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t down to try new things with you.

Y- Young and beautiful- how long will you guys last?

As far as Bill is concerned, you will have children, grandchildren, and get old together. You are gorgeous now, and you will always be gorgeous to him. He is big on committing to you, and you are to him.

Z- Zing!

How much excitement is there in your relationship?

You guys are always adapting and adjusting to Bill being away and all kinds of things that life might throw at you. It’s pretty exciting dating an actor, isn’t it?

The thrill of secrecy and not getting caught. You often like to make bets on who will be noticed in a crowd first, you or him?

Life is just full of wonders and mystery, and you can’t wait to explore more of those together!

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Note- I am aware that Skarsgard is supposed to be written with an accent on the last A, but I write these lists on my laptop and the keyboard does not have an option for that.

Thank you for reading! It took me a little while to put this A-Z list together and I would appreciate if you left a like, a comment or whatever you can to help me out.

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soohaaaleemeee · 8 months

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The Stranger I Love

4 - Green Calcite

Description: Misha and Axel lives a bohemian life together and they love each other dearly even though Axel's mood swings have made it difficult for them. When Axel starts to change, so does their relationship and Misha start to feel like she lives with a stranger.

Characters: AU Axel Cluney (Zeitgeist) from Deadpool 2 played by Bill Skarsgård. The rest is my own original characters.

Warnings: 18+, drugs, alcohol, drunkeness, mental health problems, toxic relationships, jealousy, cheating.

Notes: This is told from a first person's perspective as you know so remember it is from her view, her narrative. I also want to say thank you to @b-afterhours who always take time to proofread my chapters.

I heard a loud pop when I walked through the door. I was wet from the rain, autumn had come early this year and Axel's and my relationship had also grown colder. Two weeks of no sex, two weeks of seeing him dissappear out to run or take his bike to his father.

At first, I couldn't place the sound but I peeked into the kitchen and saw Axel pouring up my favorite cava in one of my crystal champagne glasses. It looked like he had tried to dress up and wore his most fitted black jeans and the khaki green button up I used to steal from him. I felt underdressed in leggings and his hoodie but I had also worked ten hours.

"What's this?" I asked and walked closer to him. Axel smiled wide. I hadn't seen that smile for a long time and I wanted to kiss his dimple and the other one on the side of his chin. But I didn't. It didn't feel like we were that kind of couple anymore.

Axel took a deep breath and gave me a glass.

"I'm going to be a student in two weeks," he said and smiled nervously. "Furniture design at the design school. Dad helped me put in a late application and today they called. They said they were happy I had applied and that my work sample was impressive."

I could see Axel's eyes were shiny, he rarely heard he was good at anything. He had been a burden in most settings he was in, it started in school and since then he had been caught in that thought. It surprised me he dared to apply but I was happy for him but it wasn't the feeling that took over.

I smiled at Axel but didn't know what to say. He had really been a burden throughout his school time. The only reason he gained his degree was because he cheated on his final exam. During most of his school time he had stood outside smoking and mocked teachers. Could he really handle school now? We couldn't afford for him to fail, we probably couldn't even afford the house if he became a student. This felt like a bad thoughtless idea. Probably another of his ideas to become a new person.

I smiled at Axel and cheered with him but after some sips it was probably quite obvious for Axel that I couldn't fully celebrate with him.

"Dad has said he will help us with money and I will try to get a weekend job." He said, trying to persuade me. I sighed a little and put the glass down on the kitchen table.

"That's great Axe but… Will you really be able to study? I mean, you have hated to do so all your life." I looked, examining him and I almost regretted it when I saw his hurt expression.

"Misha… Fucking hell…" I could hear in his voice that this was the moment before get really angry. Now he just stood quiet and breathed loudly like he didn't know what to say.

"Will you really sit and listen to some dude talking for hours? And you will probably have exams, would you study for them weeks in advance?"

Axel's jaw worked from side to side while his breathing became heavier. When he had stood that way a while he trusted himself to speak again.

"It’s really starting to feel like you are holding me back. I'm trying to fucking do something with myself but you just want me to just sit and mold."

"That's not true!" I almost interrupted him. "I am just trying to be realistic, Axe and I don't know what cloud you live on these days. These changes you do feel so forced and I don't get why you suddenly must rush these changes."

Axel started to walk in small circles in the kitchen with his fingers entwined in his neck. Could he just explode in rage so we could get it over? Right now it was just annoying and a bit scary to not know when he would get angry. Earlier I had known when he would become angry (all the time) so I was prepared.

"Fuck… This doesn't feel good at all Misha… I’m taking a walk to dad‘s place."

I shrugged frustratedly. Was this the new Axel? Running away from a conflict? Would we ever be able to just fight through some things?

Axel walked to the bedroom to change clothes. I stood behind in the kitchen, looking at the bottle of cava and our glasses. We hadn't drank much. It didn't become a celebration like Axel wanted it to. I felt some remorse but knew inside that I must say those things. It was best to just say it at once. Axel came out from the bedroom in his running clothes.

"Will your dad even be up now? It's 11 pm."

"Yeah, you know, his insomnia. He is always awake." He said distantly and put on his Nike shoes. I just stood and looked at him. He had a black cap on, a tight pair of track pants and black t-shirt that hugged his biceps. It was a big contrast to the guy he had been just a few months ago. He looked really good but it was hard to confess, I would miss the skinny angry guy I got together with.

"You look good, Axel. You look… So healthy," He smiled a bit strained and leaned down to give me a dry kiss on the cheek then disappeared out in the rain I had come in from just twenty minutes ago.

It felt like mine and Axel's relationship started to near the end. We had problems communicating, I didn't trust him and wondered if he cheated on me and I couldn't support his new life choices. Axel didn't sleep at home that night, he sent a text that he would sleep at his fathers house but I wondered if it actually was a girl, or maybe even a guy. He maybe ran to the lonely guy renting a house at his father's grounds. There was a rumour of him being gay and liking younger men. But Axel probably was too old for him. Or he just ran to the closest bus stop and took the bus into the city and went to an orgie party or something. Or a book club with young beautiful house wives. It could be anything or anyone. Axel had always been unpredictable but now it was even worse.

The next day his father's truck parked in front of our garage but I didn't react so much to it. Axel had probably borrowed it from his father. That's why I was also surprised when Oscar Cluney walked in through our door instead of his son. I stood in just a towel, just coming out from the shower and looked at the tall man confused.

"Hey Misha… Maybe I should have knocked?" He said and looked around in the hallway. It was crowded with my weird thrift shop finds and Axel's self made dressers.

"No, no. No one knocks here. Can I help you with something?" I said and fixed my towel so a boob wouldn’t fall out.

"Do you maybe have a cup of coffee to give? That would be nice. I will wait for you on the couch."

He walked to our living room like he owned the place and as the biggest owner of the land around here I guess it was his right.

I first went to the bedroom to put on something. The only thing I could accept wearing was Axel's black t-shirt and sweatpants. Then I went to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. I wonder why Axel's father was here and felt a bad feeling in my stomach. He wouldn't be here just to chat about the weather.

I served coffee to Oscar and I in our biggest blue mugs and sat down opposite him in my velvety green armchair.

Oscar sipped the coffee and sat silent for a half minute and watched the cats lie in a cuddly pile on a patterned blanket on the floor.

"Sorry, you must wonder why I'm here," he said when he felt my eyes on him. When he didn't get an answer he sighed and once again watched the cats.

"You and Axel have been together for many years now and… yeah it was a surprise to see him with a girl again after Zoey… And you have been really good to him."

I nodded but thought about Zoey. The tattoo he had on his biceps but didn't ask any more even if I didn't know who she was.

"But now Misha, even if you have been good for him, it's time for you to let him do his own thing. I will help you financially so you don't need to worry about that. But this education is important for Axel. This is his chance."

I sat silently, looking into Oscar's gray blue eyes that looked back pleading to me. I thought back to my reaction to Axel's acceptance letter unveiling and at once felt bad. Even his father was on his side while I was not.

"I know Axel is a bit much, he has gone through alot and now he’s changing so fast but… We must see this as something positive because it is what Axel wants." His father continued in his regular dreamy voice and I nodded because I knew it was what was expected of me. It was easy for his father to not see this as a bigger thing; he had money and his life didn't depend on Axel. While I saw my chance to go on trips, having a wedding and having happy children disappear with his failed education.

"...I just don't think this education will make him happier." I said and looked down at my golden painted nails.

"Maybe not but we must give this a chance because this is his dream."

Axel's father's face was determined, like nothing I would say would affect him so I just nodded. His father had already made a choice.

"Is he at your place now?" I asked so I didn't need to say anything more about Axel's education but it backfired.

"He is in town looking at the school then he will probably stay there a while too…" I interrupted Oscar with a sigh.

"I'm sorry but I need some time to think about this. I know you have known about this for a longer time than me but I just found out about this."

"I understand honey, but it can't have come as lightning from a blue sky. Axel has tried to work on himself since April and has done amazing things with himself. I start to see him becoming that boy again, that boy he was when he was younger."

Oscar smiled and once again watched the cats. It started to feel like he talked with them and not with me. I sat quiet because I couldn't say anything without sounding selfish or just really negative.

Oscar went when he had drunk up his coffee and gave me a fatherly hug on the way out. I knew he liked me but what I showed today was probably not his favorite side of me. It wasn't mine either but with Axel's changes it felt like I had an even bigger need for stability. The only thing I asked for now was security and predictability but I couldn't stop Axel from changing.

Axel started his education. He rearranged our garage so that he would have a bigger space to work with his craft, he sold his bike and instead got one more cheap car, a MacBook and the right textbooks. He was so up in all of it I felt forgotten and alone. He had a world I couldn't understand at all and it also seemed like he actually was on his way to get friends.

One cold November afternoon he came home and I couldn't recognize him. Or I could but I didn't want to recognize him. He was dressed in a thick knitted forest green sweater and on his nose he had a pair of tortoise shell patterned glasses. If it wasn't for his tattoos on his neck and hands he would have looked like such a square.

"...ehhh Axel?" I said like I didn't recognize him.

"Yeah?" He tried to sound neutral but I could hear he was already tense. He opened the fridge, sniffed some vegan sausages and then took them out.

"Did you feel a need to look like the other kids in school?” I teased. I thought a joke would make him relax but he was still tense.

"...I noticed I was having a hard time seeing the actual slide the teacher showed us but I thought it maybe was that way for everyone… Then I went to a restaurant to eat lunch and couldn't see the menus and then they said I probably need glasses. So I went there and… Yeah I needed glasses." He didn't look at me while he said it and rambled like he had prepared the story. I sat down by the table and smiled a little. I didn't want Axel to feel like I criticized him all the time; it was just hard to feel left out.

"Do you want to see my school? We can visit it together. Right now I'm at the university but after Christmas we will be back at the school again but we can visit anyway." He smiled a little at me while he started to boil water.

"Do you want?" He held up some noodles.

I shook my head and thought about what he had said. It would be nice to see his school. See where Axel now sits and reads, makes assignments and later on will build even finer furniture.

"I can visit your school some day…" I said carefully and smiled at him even if he had his back to me, boiling noodles and chopping the sausages.

"Yeah? Then you can meet some of my new friends too, Wes, Fred, Theo and Lucy." Axel sounded so happy but I just thought about the last name. Lucy. A girl. Was he spending his time with a girl?

Axel smiled at me and pushed up his glasses. They suited him but they changed his face and he didn't look as much as menace as without them. Maybe that was the thing he liked with them.

After eating, he sat down on the couch with his MacBook. I wished we could have some time for ourselves but were also happy to see he took his studies seriously but it was also a bit irritating to see how wrong I was. Axel seem to love to study. Probably more than he loved me.

Instead of being with Axel I wrote in the group chat with my friends. Vanessa had a new boyfriend she wanted to introduce to us. It was her first boyfriend and he was crazy like Axel but without Axel's striking facial features. Like an Axel going through a correction filter. I was happy for Vanessa and hopefully she would let my tattooed boyfriend be now. I looked at Axel. He had dressed down to a grey t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants but still looked neater because of those damn glasses. Now when I looked at him I also noticed he had changed his hair. His regular style was pushed back and greasy now it actually looked washed and he had a side part and then pushed back. I wondered if he had gone to a hairdresser at the same time he got those glasses. It probably was his first time if that was the case.

I wondered if Vanessa would even be attracted to him now. All that Axel was known for was gone. Except for his tattoos. He wasn't dangerous at all. His motorcycle was sold and he even started to look boring. Vanessa had a plan to have a party at her place. Maybe Axel could stay home. As he said himself, they weren’t really his friends and they didn't need to know that Axel had lost his way. Axel probably had a better time with his new friends.

"Do you want to visit my school at friday? Then you can meet Wes and Theo." Axel suddenly said and looked at me hopeful. I was busy scrolling through Vanessa's boyfriend's Instagram.

"Sure."

The room became quiet again except Axel humming with the Kyuss song playing from his Mac.

I walked slowly next to Vanessa, we were looking at cheese for her party. I was tired of always eating vegan so when Vanessa said she would do canapes with cheese I felt excited in a way I hadn't for a long time.

Vanessa and I hadn't talked about what had happened at Axel's birthday. She had joked about his size a few times in passing but other than that it was like it had never happened. Our friendship seemed to survive it better than me and Axel’s relationship and now with her new guy she didn't even seem interested in seeing Axel again.

While she looked through recipes on her phone Axel called me.

"Hey, where are you?" He asked, sounding stressed.

"I'm grocery shopping with Vanessa for tonight. She’s having a party but I didn't think you were interested." I said and played with the fringe on my knitted scarf.

"...But I've been waiting for you? Outside of my school? You know, I was going to show you around." He said disappointed.

I had forgotten about it or I hadn't even really understood it was now we had planned to do it.

"Oh… Sorry Axe. I have some other things to do… I’m sleeping in town tonight because of the party. At Celia's. Just so you know."

Axel was quiet on the other end of the call. I was the worst girlfriend but it was hard to be a good one when he had made our lives totally out of sync.

"Axel?"

Vanessa looked at me a bit worried and I waved her off as if it weren’t anything.

Axel sighed on the other end of the line.

"I’ll probably be in town too then. I'm with Theo right now so we’ll have a beer or something?”

"Good. I'm happy that you have some new friends, Axe."

When I went home the next day my hangover was brutal. I felt weak and tired but also my anxiety was so strong I couldn't even sit still. I just wanted to come home because I became more anxious in Celia's small apartment but also because she tried to discuss the party while I wished to sleep. I hoped Axel wasn't home so that I could have some alone time to just be anxious and gross by myself.

Celia drove me home around noon and I realized then that Axel wasn't home. His old Volvo wasn't by the garage so I would have the house to myself. Just that thought made me relax a bit.

When I was inside I stripped down to just panties and looked for food in the fridge and pantry. Axel had made some vegan sausage which I ate with potato chips and ketchup but my anxiety was still extreme so I laid down in bed and tried to sleep. Images from what had happened at the party and thoughts about Axel's changes floated around. It felt like everyone became adults except me. I needed something to get my anxiety level down and help me sleep. A joint sounded nice. Just to calm me down a bit. Axel hadn't smoked since that summer but he must have some left, hidden somewhere. In the wooden box, but where was it? I looked through his wardrobe, through all the cabinets in the kitchen and all the hiding places in the living room. Where could he have put it? The garage, of course. I put on the green sweater Axel had worn some days earlier and a pair of leggings and walked out to the garage. It had been a long time since I had been there and his workshop looked much more tidy and professional with sketches put up on the walls and a few of his books on the working bench. On the floor stood a floral pedestal in some dark wood. It looked expensive and Axel had made some sort of carving that looked like ivy. It was probably the most beautiful thing I had seen him make. It was high, with shelves for several plants and I could imagine it with green hanging plants on every shelf in golden metal pitchers. Why hadn't I supported him more? He was really talented and seemed to have really good taste. Something I had always questioned. He had made the wooden box himself too. It stood on a metallic shelf waiting on me. I lifted it out and place it down on his work bench. It had a lock but it wasn't used so with a careless hand I opened it up. I had never looked in it because I just thought he had weed and other drugs in it so I was surprised to see it stuffed with things. A keyring with a motorcycle, a plastic wristband from the hospital with his name and social security number, and a braided bracelet with small green stones. A bag with weed lay in the corner but he didn't have any papers. In the bottom of the box lay several photos. The first one was a young Axel without tattoos with a blonde girl. She was gorgeous in an unreal way. He had several pictures with that girl and I couldn't stop my jealousy when I saw a picture of them kissing. But that wasn't the only thing that caught my attention, in that picture her breasts were much bigger and rounder than in the other pictures. Silicon. Obviously. Typical Axel. The next picture was just of Axel. Still as young in a grey suit, sitting on a high chair with an inviting stare. It was obviously a model picture. Even if it was Axel in the picture it felt like it was a stranger looking back at me. The last picture was of an even younger Axel, maybe twelve, with a bruised chin. Together with his father and another man in his father's age. The man was actually more like Axel than his father was and I felt a knot grow in my stomach. He probably didn't want to share this with me and that made me anxious and sad but also angry. Who was Axel?

I put all things in the box again and walked with heavy steps back to the house. It was too much to think about. Now I actually felt sleepy, overwhelmed and when I laid my head against the pillow I fell asleep at once.

I didn't even wake up when Axel came home. I slept until it was dark outside and I could see the light on in the garage and Axel's tall silhouette inside working on the pedestal. For a short moment I just thought about where the pedestal could be placed and what plants we could have on it. I was always the one picking the plants and then Axel was the one caring for them. I stayed in bed until Axel came in, the smell of wood oil spread in the house. It smelled rich like an expensive cologne and if I didn't know better I would have believed Axel had started to think about his scent too. With a loud sigh he came into the bedroom and stripped down to his Batman underwear. The only superhero he liked.

"I missed you," I said to get his attention. He crawled down in bed and just nodded a little. He was probably still a bit pissed that I didn't come to his school.

"You can show me your school another time." I said and watched him fluff the pillow aggressively. It had been a long time since I saw such emotions in him but I didn't say anything about it.

"How was the party?" He asked and lied down with his hands behind his head.

I was a bit uncomfortable and moved from laying face down to him to looking up at the ceiling.

"It was okay."

We layed in silence for a while until I spat out an impulsive question.

"Who is Rebecca? On your chest."

Axel lied silent a while more.

"It was a girl I fucked."

"It must have been more than a fuck. You have her name over your heart."

"We fucked for a few months. She was really hot and the sex was great."

I could feel the jealousy stream down my back like cold water.

"And then you tattooed her name?"

"Yeah. To make her laugh."

I just nodded a little. It was probably logical in Axel's world but not many others would see a name tattoo as a funny thing. I sighed deeply and stopped my questions, he wouldn't tell me anything of value anyway. He probably didn't see the world the same as me.

I couldn't stop thinking about what I had found in the wooden box and I would sneak to look at the things when Axel wasn't home. The bracelet with green stones disappeared and I worried for days that I was the one who had lost it until I saw Axel wearing it. The stone must have been some sort of mineral and shifted in different shades of green. The small irregular stones were braided in a black suede like material. I looked at it while Axel helped me put winter tires on the car. It sat snuggly around his left wrist along with the silver chain he has had as long as I have known him. When he was done working on the car he put on the hoodie he had laid next to him.

"Should we have a cup of coffee?" I asked as I admired his dirty hands, thick knuckles and elegant wrists while he dried them off on an old kitchen towel with blue flowers.

"Sure. But at four o'clock dad’s picking me up in the truck so we can deliver a thing I've built to my first customer." He said proudly.

"Oh?" I asked impressed and Axel smiled brightly while we walked inside.

"Yeah it's a floral pedestal, I'm really pleased with it." He kicked off his work boots and then put on his glasses that laid on the dresser in the hallway.

I was a bit disappointed hearing that the pedestal wasn't for us and probably looked it too while I took off my sneakers and puffer jacket.

"Oh, I've seen it. It's beautiful, Axel, I thought it was for us."

"Really? I thought it wasn't your style at all. That was too heavy and dark."

I walked into the kitchen and started to load the coffee maker.

I shrugged my shoulders. He was right but I felt different when I actually saw it.

Axel took off the hoodie again and I watched his biceps in the tight black t-shirt. He had become hotter and I felt the need to touch him but I hadn’t in so long ago I didn't even know how I would start. I looked at the bracelet again and the glasses on his nose and I sighed a little.

When he sat down by the table playing with his phone I mustered up some courage to ask him about the bracelet. He smiled in a way that made my heart fall down in my stomach and he touched it like it was something expensive.

"A friend made it. It's green calcite. It helps you make positive changes in your life. Make me succeed."

I didn't know what to say so I just made a snorting sound like I thought it was bullshit but in reality I just thought, "It's a girl. It's a girl. He has met someone else."

Axel had so many secrets so of course he had another girl too. I poured the coffee in two white mugs and sat down opposite him by the table. He continued to play with his phone and smiled to himself.

It may sound awful to an outsider but the rest of the week I followed Axel when I didn't work. Our hours were still really different from each other so when he took his Volvo to school in the morning I had time to follow him for a few hours. I took my dark blue Toyota fifteen minutes after he had left and went to the university where he studied at the moment. I found his car parked and then waited for him to come out. Most often he came out together with a guy a head shorter with his hair in braids, gathered in a big bun behind his neck. They looked like friends and I thought to myself he must be one of the guys he had talked about. After that he bought lunch. Either a sandwich from a food truck on campus or he walked to a vegan salad bar close to the hospital. Then he walked back to the library. It wasn't much more interesting than that. Sure, I could see Axel being checked out by well dressed student girls in quilted jackets even if he had his green bomber jacket on and heavy work boots. If he shaved his hair off he would look like a skinhead but they still looked at him with watering eyes while they played with their pearl earrings. Was it such a girl that made him the bracelet? It felt off. Could it really be a student he had an affair with?

The fourth day it finally got interesting. While he stood and talked with his friend with the braids his phone seemed to ring and he pressed it against his ear. He smiled big and laughed and my heart started to beat violently in my chest. He looked down at the bracelet, spinned it around his wrist then hung up. He said a fast good bye to his friend with a close hug. Axel didn't do that manly sort of hug ever, he always hugged for real. Then he started to walk in the same direction the salad bar was. I waited for him to be a long way in front of me before I started the car and drove behind him. He walked to his regular salad bar but the closer I came I could see a girl waiting on him. She was dressed in a long gray coat with brown hair falling elegantly over her back. I had time to think she probably wore pearls too while she and Axel hugged for a long time. But when I came closer I could finally see her face while she laid a glove-covered hand on Axel's naked neck like she thought he looked cold. It was Charlotte, Noah's Charlotte. My brother's fiancee.

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