talkawaythedark

[talkawaythedark]

Little Reminder:

You don't have to have a grand reason to live. Just liking listening to the sound of the wind or feeling it on your face is enough. There's no bad reason to live

[talkawaythedark]

If you’re suicidal and still alive, I’m so fucking proud of you.

If you’re suffering from an eating disorder and still eating, I’m so fucking proud of you.

If you’re suffering from a mental illness and your fighting, I’m so. Fucking. Proud. Of. You.

[talkawaythedark]

Tw for child neglect, childhood trauma, (mild) child abuse, gaslighting, divorce, domestic child labor, alcoholism, non-specific eating disorder, depression, traumatic memory loss, imposter syndrome, emotional / mental abuse / manipulation / gaslighting

I'm fourteen. My parents divorced when I was three and my little sister was one. Even before that, I'm told I used to try to step in between their arguments. I don't remember that far back. I used to spend a few days with my dad followed by a few days by my mom etc etc. My mom moved in with a guy who I instantly hated; they even got engaged. The guy had a son. My mom admits that their relationship was mostly sexual- they would stay in their room every day until like 12 pm, and we weren't allowed to bother them unless it was really important. That put me, a 4 year old, in charge of my little sister and stepbrother, 2 & 3 years old. Tbh I was a bit of a tyrant- my world was unstable and my only safe way of lashing out was to become a control freak over what my siblings did during the time that I was responsible for them. I was also responsible for tidying our shared room, sorting and folding our laundry, and setting the table. My mom's then-fiancee was also the first adult to ever hit me, which was quickly followed by my mom. When we moved out from there, I was six, and my mom was sick. She went through multiple operations and wasn't allowed to carry anything remotely heavy, leaving me to not only do the washing, but the cooking and the dishes and the shopping. Among the operations she went through was a hysterectomy, and the hormone crash resulted in a depression that never left. We moved through a lot of houses before she finally bought one a few years ago. All the while, I was doing way more in the household than a person my age should've, and practically (co-)parenting my little sister. There were a few years where I simply refused to cook because it reminded me too much of how down I felt when I had to. My mom's always had a habit of drinking alchohol when things are too much, putting on sad songs and crying when she got drunk. I still have trouble telling when people are drunk because I grew up just thinking people acted like that. She's very depressed nowadays. She barely eats, which I often remind her to. Dinner at her house consists of meat in the airfryer that we individually get whenever we get hungry- it's not a sit-down event. She doesn't parent us, I don't think she knows how. She works mostly from home, having online meetings and sitting behind the laptop all day. She falls asleep on the sofa or stays up until late watching crime series, and I have to get her to bed. Sorry that this got so long- the problem is this:

My dad hasn't seen any of this. He doesn't really know. I've tried to tell him, but he just keeps acting like I'm making stuff up. He tells me I'm being dramatic and that I just want to be traumatized so I can martyr myself, and that I blame everyone else for my problems. He says that I never do any chores, and he doesn't believe I do everything around my mom's house. He says that I've made it up that I parent my sister, that none of the examples I give of how I parent her are parenting, that I'm just her sibling. And- I'm not. I know I'm not. My sister knows I'm not, she knows I raised her and she regularly refers to me as her 'motherly figure' or something like that. I also have a lot of issues now due to how I was raised, both on my mom's and dad's side. But, sometimes I start to believe my dad, because I don't really remember a lot of those times very well. I was still a toddler when my mom was engaged to that asshole and I barely remember anything about the time my mom was sick. I put it up to trauma, but- how do I know I'm not lying to myself or misremembering if I don't remember? Is my dad gaslighting me or am I wrong?

OK, full disclosure, I'm no therapist. I'm just a 20 year old who struggles a lot and goes to a lot of therapy, and wants to help people.

That being said, while I was never in such a severe situation, I have gone through (on a waaaaay smaller scale) some similar experiences. I know what it's like to do the cleaning while your mum is crying, to live on pot noodles as a kid because you can't cook and your parent's can't (because they actually can't or they can but won't) make you anything. To raise yourself. I'm the youngest, so I was "lucky" in not having to raise anyone. I can't imagine that burden and I am so, so fucking sorry that was put on you, especially from such a young age. That's beyond not fair. I hope you know that I'm so so proud of you, for making it this far, when not only did you have to raise yourself and your siblings (that's a thing called parentification) but being stuck with bouncing homes and violence. I am so sorry. Please know it's not your fault. You never did anything wrong. And even if you in some way hurt your siblings (being a "control freak") you were doing the best you could. That's all that matters. You are strong, and amazing, and deserving of love and peace. Just know that, OK? And you're not alone.

What your dad is doing is just wrong. First of all, it's 10000% not in your head, you even have someone else agreeing with you. And forgetting memories? That's a trauma symptom. When things get too hard emotionally, sometimes the mind tries to block it out as a defense mechanism. It goes "this is too much" and puts it in a little box to be opened later when it deems safe enough. Not remembering an event well doesn't mean it didn't happen. Trust me on that, I've had times when I'm falling asleep and suddenly tense up, fists clenched cause I remembered that one time in 2014 when Bad Things ™ happened. It doesn't mean it didn't happen, it just means your mind is being a dick but trying to help by blocking it out.

The tricky thing with gaslighting is it all depends on what the gaslighter actually believes. If he genuinely believes none of this happened, it's not gaslighting, he's just an asshole for not listening… but the part that makes me think "huh, that's not right" is that he gets so defensive. Something is definitely off with that. If he genuinely thought you were making it up, he wouldn't get so angry. I don't know all the facts, but I would say that's gaslighting, or manipulation of some kind. And how you can tell if you're lying to yourself? Well, your sister has seen how things are now. And things are still bad now, so even if you're wrong about the past, a lot of shit is still happening. You are valid either way. And if you're lying about the past to make yourself feel like a martyr, you wouldn't be asking that question, with genuine fear that you're wrong. One question, how do you feel when you think about what's happened? Do you feel sick, uncomfortable, angry, fight-flight-freeze-fawn? Does a certain sound or object or smell make you panic? If you can't remember properly, maybe you have triggers. And if you have triggers, it (or something) happened. (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh!! I just know how overwhelming it can be when your mind tells you you're crazy, and I find harsh truth works best in those instances, I'm sorry if I'm wrong!!). Also if you were making it up, you wouldn't be traumatized and have mental issues. For what it's worth, I believe you wholeheartedly.

OK, sorry this is so long!! I just want to help, but again, please know I'm only a 20 year old with trauma, I'm not a therapist or anyone with a degree, I could be wrong. But I'm not wrong in the fact that you are strong and deserve better than this. I'm not wrong when I tell you something is bad there and to please seek help, tell a teacher, talk to an aunt or uncle or some adult you trust and could possibly live with. Even just talking with a councellor on the phone if you can after school. And I'm not wrong when I tell you you're not alone. If you want to talk more, I'm always here for you, through asks or dms or whatever. You are going to be OK <33

[talkawaythedark]

I wish I could talk about how much I miss him, but if I told anyone... then they'd know what really happened. And I can't let them know. Not when I barely know myself.

[talkawaythedark]

Little reminder:

You are stronger than you know. You are loved. You are worthy. You are enough, just as you are. Keep fighting, and know that somewhere in the world, there's someone in your corner, proud of you, cheering you on. Always <333

[talkawaythedark]

Same ask as before about the sa in high school

How do I continue to live while feel so used. I feel like the only reason why people like me is that I'm nice to them and not who I am as a person. How am I ever going to be okay? After that? I know it doesn't really compare to a lot of things but it's big and difficult and scary to me.

Any advice?

Heads up, this again comes from experience (that's not to say I had it worse, I know I didn't, it's just to help soothe that this isn't just made up sweetness).

I won't lie; you're gonna struggle. You're gonna cry in the shower and try to wash it away, and you're gonna cover yourself in baggy clothes to avoid your body, avoid it all. You're gonna hurt. It's awful, but non-negotiable. Because the hardest part is you're going to have to face it, to heal.

And taking that pain and facing it, almost hurts as much as actually going through it. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But that doesn't make it impossible. Because once you face that pain, really look it in the eye... you see the monster. And you realize that's all it is. It becomes less scary.

That's the hardest part. Facing it. Because if you don't face it, you can't move on. Trust me, I tried. years and years, I tried. But facing it? I feel so much stronger. And yeah, I cry. I hurt. But I survive. I dry my tears and put myself back together. And you will too. This isn't to say you have to face it all right now. No, that's a recipe for a breakdown. But let memories start to come back. Face them when they do. I have a whole bunch of coping mechanisms (healthy ones, remarkably) if you want me to share them.

This sounds mean, but in a way you're right. It doesn't compare to a lot of things... but my sa experiences don't even compare to yours. Yes, some people have had it worse, but others have sure as hell had it better, yeah? Pain is pain, and there's no trophy for suffering. This isn't the Olympics, there's no gold medal for victims. This is something I have to remind myself a lot, and while it's brutal, it's true. Your suffering isn't saving anyone. It's only hurting yourself.

So. My advice?

You have to acknowledge you were used. But that's not all you're useful for. That's not who you are, it's not all you are. You're more than your pain or trauma. You're not a bad memory; you're a smile, a laugh. You're your hobbies, and your hopes, your laughter and your love and your passions and pains and everything in between. You're a whole person. Not ptsd. People like you for who you are, not what you can do for them. And if they only like you for that, I'm not sure they're a person as much as heartless ambition.

But you also gotta acknowledge that you're brave. You're strong. You're powerful, smart, beautiful, talented, the works. You gotta let yourself grieve. Let yourself hurt. Let yourself heal. You have to let go of the guilt. None of this is easy, but I know you can handle it. It just takes time. So be kind to yourself. You're worth it <33 (and I know you're gonna be OK. I'm always here for you. Don't be afraid to reach out)

[talkawaythedark]

Tw sa

I wish I could've stopped it; I wish I would have just walked away some days (those days I forget how difficult it was). I want to talk about it, but I definitely know I never want anyone to look at me knowing what I went through. I was sexually assaulted for 3 years, almost every day we were in high school (Covid time saved me, ig).

I wonder why anyone would do this to someone over and over again and then pretend it never happened. I was groped and touched, a cat called, and so much more.("luckily it was only girls" was what someone said after I told them).

How could I ever tell my mom or dad that I was bullied in such a way? I want to, but I still never want them to know how horrible it actually was.

First of all, because I know chances are no one's said it to you: I am so so sorry. For what happened, for the fact you went through that. I'm sorry it hurt. I'm sorry it changed you.

It was not your fault. Let that sink in for a moment.

It was not your fault.

Read it again. And again. Read it until you believe it because I promise you with every ounce of my being it's true. It was not your fault. And you didn't deserve it.

No one blames you for not walking away; I certainly don't. What I went through (though nothing in comparison) nearly killed me, coming to terms with that, and the fact that 'if I just fought harder, or said something more than no'... But the fact is that's bullshit. The body has 3 survival instincts: fight, flight, or freeze. You can't help what your body chose for you. It was just trying to survive. And sometimes fight or flight aren't options. Sometimes running or fighting would make it worse. It's harsh, but it happens. Your reaction is valid. You are valid. And just cause you didn't manage to stop it, doesn't mean you deserved it, or it wasn't that bad. It's still abuse. And you didn't deserve it.

I know this account is supposed to be anti-violence, but whoever told you "lucky it was only girls" needs a solid kick in the teeth for that. That's bullshit. Abuse isn't less abusive because of gender. The damage doesn't hurt less because it was a girl inflicting it. I want you to know that's bullshit, and just as horrendous as if a guy did it.

As for telling your parents... you don't have to tell them. But if you want to, you can just tell them that you were severely bullied in school. Take out the word severe if it's too much. You can say you were abused, or anything you want. You don't need to say who, or what or how long. But you can let them know that high school was pretty shit for you, and then go from there with what you're comfortable with.

Last thing I want to say: I am proud of you. You survived. And I don't care what you had to do to stay alive, (and even if you didn't want to, or plan to) you did it and I'm proud of you. You have to realize that living through that means you're brave. Means you're strong. A soldier and a survivor. And that's something to be proud of.

[talkawaythedark]

Congratulations! You survived yesterday. I proud of you. And you're still breathing, you champion! Take it easy and celebrate that you're still here. You're amazing

[talkawaythedark]

Tw hehe

I want to kill myself but I can't fucking traumatize my family, any advice?

Honestly, I'm not the best person to ask, I'm literally in the same boat. I know I'm a hypocrite for saying this, but it's the only advice I've got: get help. I'm not sure where you're from, but if you look up your country's national helpline, and give them a call, they might be able to help with some councelling, or information on what to do or where to go. I'm so sorry I can't help more, just keep breathing, if you can. I believe in you

[talkawaythedark]

I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with me that makes people want to hurt me. Everywhere i’ve gone there’s been someone whose hurt me in some way and it’s happened so many times that it must be my fault

In science there's a phrase: "correlation does not imply causation". It means that just because things seem to happen together doesn't mean it's because of each other.

There are always going to be assholes, people who want to hurt others just because they can. And just because they hurt you, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It's more telling of who they are as a person than what's wrong with you. I know how it feels, but please do not let anyone, not even yourself, convince you that there's anything wrong with you. You're amazing <3

[talkawaythedark]

I wish I could get out but I don't think I want to. But what makes me think I'll be the one in a million to turn things around?

[talkawaythedark]

hii this is the anon who was talking about the guy that she thought didn’t like her….

just wanted to put a bit of something happy into this account, me and that boy are dating now <3

Omg I'm so happy for you, congrats!!!! And thank you for letting me know <33

[talkawaythedark]

Secret: I don't know if I can trust myself anymore

[talkawaythedark]

I never recovered. I do still have a problem

[talkawaythedark]

You know what pisses me off?? That I never got to know why. Why you'd chosen to say goodbye to everyone but me. Why you wouldn't tell me a damn thing, but when you needed someone to fight your battles, you called on me.

Why dammit?!! Fucking why!! Why did you leave, disappear, ghost me, betray me and my friend, leave me in the dust when I needed you most. Why did you go. Why can't you be the same person now as you were then so I can just have an answer and be at peace.

Why.

[talkawaythedark]

ok so there’s this boy i met last year and we suddenly got really close and then i realized that he is the absolute love of my life. but i don’t really know how he feels abt me. he gives me weird mixed signals and i just don’t know if he actually wants to be with me or not.

it’s weird and fucked up and confusing but i really am so in love with him and i want to be with him forever. but i don’t actually think he likes me. i think hes using me as a rebound to get over his ex.. idk man i’m really confused but he makes me so happy ahhsjdgjshdh.

i don’t know what i would ever do if this boy was using me… actually i would probably let him because i’m desperate and in love with him. he’s just perfect and he understands me and i understand him and all of that boring shit.

but really i just want to be with him and i hope he loves me as much as i love him.

and i hope he sees this and can tell it’s me because of how i’m typing. i really really love him.

Anon, I really hope for your sake that this dude is a good guy, loves you back and deserves you!!! Dude, if you're reading this and know who anon is, go get 'em! :)

[talkawaythedark]

I miss the people who helped me out of hell, even though I can't reconnect with them the same way anymore