tapathic

[tapathic]

Lately I started to miss her and think abt her..aloot..but I absolutely destroyed it and I'm horribleeeeuggh...she deserves better..but I still miss how well we talked together and how fun it was and how I was the most special and important person to her and how she was the most important and special person to me but I fucking have to be an avoidant who can't survive talking to one person everyday or I'm gonna die out of exhaustion..and the way I told her abt it seemed so mean I must have hurt her so badly..we text sometimes but its super rare, prob cuz she knows what's gonna happen if we talk too much..our relationship was so special and cute..I actually even had a crush on her but I knew it won't work out so I didn't tell her anything ughhhh....I MISS HEEERRRGGHHRRR BUT I DONT DESERVE HER FRIENDSHIP SO I CANT TALK TO HER LIKE THAT OHHUGHHH 💔💔💔💔 I really hope she has other cool friends, cuz she was alone when we talked, I encouraged her to talk with others..I think she did. I even introduced her to my friend..they started talking and had a similar bond I had with her..I wasn't jealous tho cuz I was still tired of the constant talking from before...but lowkeey ughggtrr idkkkk PLEEEASE I HOPE SHES SUPER HAPPY WITHOUT MEEE I deserve to suffer anyways but NOT HEEERRR AT LEAST NOT HER PLEASEEE WAHGHRRR

[tapathic]

Man I'm kinda shit..I just told a guy who has a crush on me about my own crush (I thought he was over me, actually he never even confessed, I just guessed) and he started talking abt suicidal stuff..like I wouldnt care if he was someone I disliked, but I like him he's my friend, and it really got me worried, I'm scared for him now, what if he hates me and thinks Im horrible...also I had an assigent due tomorrow, I wanted to put it in rn but turns out it was due today..8 am...stupid ass, and It was already done too, I just had to make sure if its done correctly today and it was, I didnt want to send sth wrong before..I need to check my shit befire I do sth I guess..also I was with a friend out, thry were super nice to others..and I was just..nice..man..also another guy was jealous of me and hes annoying me so I just laughed at him, and he got very sad..I'm so mean and horrible, I want to starve myself I don't deserve to eat..but my parents will be sad if I dont, whats wrong with me, why must I be so selfish, why do people even like me, Im so horrible and ugly and annoying and a waste of time, I shouldn't exist, I have to stop existing..please when I die, make me dissapear...and be forgotten..

[tapathic]

Im starting to feel dissapointment...She saud she matured and got better, and I genuinly bwlived that, but now..it looks like her ego got too big, I don't like it. I'm happy that she found her happiness, but I do not enjoy the fact that she's openly hurting someone for it. I get that his ex was a weirdo, but you don't have to openly tell her that her boyfriend wants you more and that you are better than her, just ignore her and live your life happily. Why do people have to care about others sm, and love making others suffer..is it making them feel special, better, like they aren't just a small person and they can do alot or sth? Idk, I don't like this behavior, I hope she'll stop talking about his ex 24/7...

[tapathic]

Hes annoying me again...so...MUCH, hes not even doing anything wrong, his sole presence just drives me insane and makes me want to stab myself, probably because of his selfish stupid fucking act during my friend's biethday, he literally had to get mad over the smallest shit and act like it was the end of the world when he lost (fucking tryhard) and when people proceeded to care for him and ask him whats wrong and if he wants to go rest or sm he just screamed at them and then when we just tried to act peacefully with rhe party he HAD TO FUCKING ACT LIKE A BRATTY BABY LIKE FUCK YOURSELF UGH, well now I feel rage because of him, and I reposted a post made by my friend about "people who dont understand other's perspectives arent smart" cuz i agree with it, and he had to say "omg sounds like me lol" and when I told him "yeah" he just stared at me and started acting like his world was crumbling and he was devastated cuz I had an opinion and I shared it. Like dude please just leave me alone we are BOTH doing eachother harm and Ive had ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT I WONT TOLERATE THIS SHIT ANYMORE KYS IDC AAAAAGHHHHH I HATE YOUUUU SO MUCHHHH I BEGAN TO HATE SO MANY THINGS CUZ THEY REMIND ME OF YOU IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU FUCK YOURSELF well anyways Im tired rn and Dont have rhe enwrgy to do stuff and I just want to finish this week without that annoying bitch istg Im gonna be sm happier and have enwrgy if he just dissapears for abit I swear it always works

[tapathic]

Why are you making me hate myself so much? I just wanted to live the day peacefully, but now, I'm sitting in my bed at 12 am, woke up 2 hours ago...are you messing with me?? I finally felt like saying what's bothering me, but one out of context thing happend and now...fuck you, god I hate you so much for messing with my stupid human brain like this, I don't understand, have I done sth wrong? Is this because of my dream?? I dkn't understand it neither and I wouldn't do such thing you know that! What's wrong...

[tapathic]

Shut up pls...

[tapathic]

ughhh this is annoying af.....do I like him or nah??? like I keep on thinking abt him and shit but then if I won't see him for more than 3/4 days I don't rlly care, and then when I see him again I crave everyday to see him again and ughhh like wth is going on??? is this intrest, obssesion, love, admiration??? like he's really fucking beautiful and funny and we are kinda similar but also he's from a totally different kind of ppl and I can't tell if he's intrested in me, or disgusted by me, or if he actually doesnt gaf abt me and jsut looks at my friend instead, cuz I noticed him doing it, and it hurt AS HELL but after 2 weeks of seeing how he doesnt look at me anymore and seeing him looking at my "friend" I just told myself that he was looking at my friend from the start and never rlly cared for me. but then one day I dressed up, and I felt like he was making fun of me but also he was staring at me??? and after that day he started looking at ME again jsut like he once did???? but I was still mad at him so I stopped staring back, and now Im kinda doing it again and hes the one stopping?? like does that mean that he doesnt want me to stare??? but I like looking at him...he's so pretty...and funny too T_T i'D LOVE TO FOLLOW HIM ON EVERY MEDIA BUT IT WOULD BE WEIRD CUZ WE DONT TALK AT ALL AND HEIS ACCS ARE ALL PRIVATE IDSAHDUISAKD and why am I writing in capslock idk anyways this is EXTREMLY tiring and draining like ughhhh what should I dooo also there was this day where we had to give eachother compliments, and I was waiting for the right moment to tell him that I think his eyes are rlly pretty, czu it wotn be weird, its jsut a nice day compliment day thing and stuff so yk but I DIDNT MENAGE TO DO ITTT AND HE WAS LOOKING AT ME THE WHOLE DAY TOO ADN UGHHHH skandal masakra amen nie podoba mi sie to az przejde na polski yall jakby halo typie ty mnie lubisz nienawidzisz amsz mn w dupie I absolutely dont understand?!?!??!? co to ma znaczyc!!>??!?!??! ja probowalam dowiedziec sie co oznacza takie zachowanie to zas rozne odp dostawalam, i nie powinnam nawet szukac w taki sposob bo akzdy inaczej to wdizi, chce wiedziec co to ma znaczyc bro nei umeim czytac W MYSLACH WAHHHH ale mam przeczucie ze on umie actually bro I feel like he can teleport sum times like hes going one direction THNE i see him in the opposite direction??? and I feel like he can read minds too!!! am I jsut apranoid and going isanne probably yeahhhwww idk gang cant do this no more I HATE BEING A HUMAN BEING FUCK

[tapathic]

Why do I keep on choosing the coffe

[tapathic]

Regret regret regret regret regret regret

[tapathic]

I sometimes HATE the fact that I'm the type of person who analizes everything rather than comforts and helps out someone iek sajdhsadjda my best friend jsut told be abt her and ehr bf's argument and instead of comforting her (cuz idk how) I analyzed the situation and explained to her why her bf acted the way he acted and why she acted the way she ated and what happend and blah blah blah like BROOO SHE WONT CARE ABT HER IT WOTN HELP EHR AT ALLL UGHHH all I did was defend both sides cuz both sides make sense and the only thing we can do in this situation is just move on ig we are just humans, their acctions wont be easy to change and its totally normal to act the way they both acted tbh...ughhh what should I dooooo T_T

[tapathic]

I wonder if he secretly hates me. I get the feeling that each passing day he's more done with me than before. Wouldn't be surprised, he's the first person I tslked to abt myself, and when he tries to help I don't even know what to do. It's easier when I'm the one helping out, nobody tried to help me before, so it feels wrong and weird...idk what to do. I feel vulnerable and weak when I open up, I feel like I failed my mission, the mission where I need to pretend to be someone else, maybe that's why others tell me that I'm weird/unreal, cuz I actually pretend to be someone else?? Someone who doesn't exist??? Ugh...this is too complicated

[tapathic]

Can I get stabbed with a knife pls, I want it to be really deep inside me, I want it to stay, so I can finally feel the pain more clearly, I want to feel how my life is being taken away, slowly, from me. I want to think how glad I am this is finally over. I want to think how the future might have looked if I only gave it some more time. I want to stare at a wall, with no emotions on my face, because that's how I truly feel. I want to know what or who my 7 seconds could be. I want to smile gently as I see the end. The end of my journey, the short journey I've had. I just want to feel like I can get something I want, just once, I want the peace I've always desired so much.

[tapathic]

m-meow...man this lil guy is so cute..I wonder for how long it will stay..boop boop >.< <3

[tapathic]

I hate it, everything, hate.

Can I be dead, can a gun be shown to my face, can a rope be stuck on my neck, can a knife be put to my heart.

Can I just die.

[tapathic]

ugh.....ughhhhhhhhhhh......everyone is so annoying for no reason...ctually I feel like only 2 ppl are annoying, but it makes me feel like veryone else is annoying too, but they actually arent??? like wtfff can I just block them?? no lol I cant, ughhbbrrrr life was easier when I was a child with only 2 friends, I miss that, so m u c h h h h hhhhh it was fun and all the bad things that happend didnt bother me at all...they still actually dont, I kinda dont care, but having to talk with ppl is draining....can I jsut notttthhhhhhhhh I want to be forgotten so badly i ughhhh killing myself would be easier, so much fucking easier, I just want to be forgotten and dissapear from existence, it's too tiring...and the worst thing is that I opened up to someone, and I felt understond, I like it but I hate it atsm time, like my trust issues arent letting me trust that person completly, but like ughjnmsdmnas its so i dnt what to say i want to

[tapathic]

I wish I could just dissapear, it's gonna be the same for the rest of my life, I jsut realized that the suicide attempt I wanted to do wouldn't work out anyway, and I would probably just ed up damaging my stupid body and having to worry my parents and having them pay for some medicine idk, I hate it, I'm so useless..I feel like I only make others mad lately..or sad, my whole purpuose was to make others happy, it was working, but then it stopped, I started caring abt myself and it went downfall...If I dissapeared, I could be alone, and forgotten...nobody would have to be sad over my loss, nobody would have to worry what happend to me..I wouldn't accidently hurt others anymore, It would've been just better for everyone if I dissapeared, and they all would forget about my existence.

[tapathic]

Reset.

I'll start to pretend again.

My efforts had been reset.

I'm back to hiding today.

Reset.

Whenever I feel comfort, the same thing happens again.

A never ending cycle, a start, then reset.

The cycle resets today.

Reset.