the-graveyard-of-dreams - Tumblr blog

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

How could I have ever described it? The way that she made me feel, the one that really made me start writing. I really didnt comprehend how she felt about every piece of writing I gave her. It made me feel idiotic when I finally realized it. But what I could comprehend was how much love I put into everything I gave her. Everyday was a new piece that flooded my google docs, so many ideas flowed through my head at that time. It was like every time I thought about how much I loved her was a moment of writing for me. Really made sense how that many words encompassed the pages. My fingers just moved and put the words coming from my heart onto the digital screen that would stare back at me. I would always try to use different ways of telling her I loved her. The playful behavior was so unforgettable that even now my mind flashes back to moments that I cant help but smile at. All the nights spent together. I really couldnt imagine how different my life would have been if I didnt meet her. But why is my mind searching back at these moments at this time? When thoughts of anxiety just fill my head. We are two different people now. I've grown to be a better man, partner, and person just like I'm sure she has. I guess my mind just cant help but ask what if but that doesnt mean anything at this point. I think I'm in the best mindset of my life. I have the best friends I could ever ask for whether it's everyone from long island spending nights drinking there or up in Boston or if it's the people back home in darien and having all those times spent at mecha or if it's the people at uconn at the beach house being undefeated at beer pong. I'm stronger than I've ever been, both mentally and physically. Over a hundred days of working out straight really does change your body, abs, and muscles to support the shoulders. Mentally everything is content now, really couldnt ask for anything more except for someone that could inspire me to write again every day and night. That's what I want

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

Hey, how are you? I hope you’re doing okay. 

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

This place was an outlet for me for the past couple of years. A place where I could let feelings ramble down the page. But I think it's time for this page to be deleted, there is not much left for me here. These writings talked about past love, past feelings that make the present difficult. The best thing to do now is maybe start over, start a new place where different writings of a different tone may flourish.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

What memories do we decide to keep despite the pain? Some stories are not about the one but the one you learn from. The one who teaches you something important about yourseld. Teaches you what's important to keep moving forward. What to look for next time because there will be a next time. We keep looking for the one and instead we find someone. But despite not being the one, there will always be a fragment inside my heart that you hold. Despite everything, I'd still do it all again. Movies like 500 days of summer, the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, movies that depict the failing or doomed to fail relationships. This realistic representation of how relationships are. The small disagreements in personal or ideas dont go away over time, they are hidden until the moments that they emerge in discord. I'd still would do it all again. I think I could submit my heart to try it again and if it doesnt work, things will go back to you being just someone instead of the one.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

We grew up from our dreams. We had dreams to become heroes, to become famous, to fall in love. But dreams fade as our naivete fades. We face the reality of growing up. To push ourselves just a little bit more than the person behind you so you make the cut, so that you stand out. We had dreams of falling in love like how all the fairy tales depicted. This idea of true love and love at first sight. But very few of us became prince charming or had prince charming sweep us off our feet. Most of us had to go through heartbreak and the pain of being so in love with someone that didnt love us back. Events like that leave holes in our heart and soul that can only be fixed by the gentlest of people. People that became the light of your life and you just wonder to yourself how you ever lived without them. And then, the present isnt so bad of a place. We might not have had a story like the fairy tales but we definitely wrote our own story to get here.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

The Way Autumn Comes

The first thing I wrote for someone. Stored on my computer for so many years and randomly found it again.

She redefined what I thought love felt like, that’s how I knew I fell in love. Hard. The thing is, she did not have to try. She was just herself and I fell in love with everything. The way that her face looks when she sleeps, the way she laughs when you tickle her neck, the way she looks at you when she genuinely happy to be next to you. Love was like the way that Autumn comes. There are signs everything, the air getting colder, the leaves changing color. It was just like how I would smile every time I saw her, how different my heart felt every time I said good bye to her. I didn’t notice it until it suddenly all showed up at once. Just like Autumn.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

I can't bring myself to write anymore. When I wrote for someone else it always felt like I was creating something beautiful, something that expressed how I felt towards someone. I cant write without putting emotion into it but I feel like it's been so long since emotions has hit me. After love failed me too many times I feel like my heart is slowing growing more and more shut off. But that's not something I want, I still want to believe and trust in love. I want the naivety that I had when I was younger, to believe in the amazing things that love brings people. I wanted the cliche stories of being college of even high school sweethearts with someone. That strong lasting love that ties two people together. I want to have that back but here I am shutting out emotions. That's the person my dad wants me to be, ruthless and making sure that I can survive in his perception of the world. But I dont share the perception, I believe that people are good people and it will help you to be nice to others. The other day I stood there awkwardly as he yelled at someone calling them a useless piece of shit and other things that are demeaning. In the car he told me that I can't be nice to everyone I meet, especially to people like the one he was yelling at. I dont want to be that person, but I slowly feel myself growing numb and I feel like I need someone to save me. But I'm so scared of being vulnerable right now. I've had chances to fall in love again but I keep shutting them down from problems that I dont want to face. I dont want distance because distance never seems to work out. I want someone that is open with me, that will let me in. I want someone to show interest. I want so much but cant find the direction to go to get these things.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

September 2020. Is it worth waiting for? Even if you're only here for a month, I still don't know how to feel.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

I would hate to call it giving up but in the end, that might be what it has to be. It won't be all the memories or feelings won't affect me anymore, itll just be something to look back on during a great time in my life. And you never know, right around the corner I might find myself in another one of these great times of my life.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

I kept searching for the type of love you gave me, unconditional love that made me feel so warm. Other people don't show affection like that, they don't embrace me like you did, they don't kiss me like you did. I guess some part in my mind made me feel like no matter what happened, we would end up together in the future. But no matter how much I want that, I don't think that is what the future entails. Right now, with so much that is different, so much complications, it might be better if I give up on that attachment even though it pains my heart to reject it. So many endless nights spent thinking about it to no avail makes me feel like if I want to go anywhere forward in my life, I'll have to let go of lingering attachments that don't seem like they'll come to fruition.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

I wish things could've been different. I wish that I could share these things with you. I wish that you were still in my arms.

I've got 3 wishes but no genie or shooting stars to grant them.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

I wish the spot in my bed didn't feel so empty, I wish I had someone next to me. Someone beside me that will let me kiss their neck as they fall asleep.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

You always slept on the side that was closer to the wall, with me on the outside arms around you. I dont know what made me think of that or why I suddenly remembered something like that but it made me feel sad that you dont sleep on that side next to me anymore.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

The Scene from my Dreams

The other night I saw a beautiful place in my dreams. A restaurant café that was overlooking a cliff with a beach that called the ocean. Next to the café was the main road that traveled back and forth, drawing a view at the ocean as passengers in cars drove by. Next to that humble road was train tracks that gave more individuals glimpses of the ocean coming and going. And next to those train tracks was a forest-like clearing that gave a buffer between the noises and vibrations of the trains from the houses that people lived in nearby. In my dream I lived in one of those quiet houses, a rather simple life with a family, wife, children and me. Everyday I would walk across the clearing, across the train tracks, across the road, and eat at the café before going down to the beach and breathing in the ocean. Such a simple scene began to mean so much to me that I was unable to forget it for the past three days. 

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

She fell asleep earlier than you did last night in the security of your arms. As you lay there you think about what she’s been through, the adversity she had to fight through in her life. The very things that she’s still ailing from, the things you have the desire to protect her from. The things you willingly accept and never hold against her. These fears that she has, you accept them for what they are and love her regardless. Because loving her does not start in the times where everything is happen and you two are high at the top of your lives. Loving her also starts when she’s hurting and crying her eyes out hoping that you’ll be there for her. She wants to know that you’ll love her throughout the turmoil that both of you will face. 

He fell asleep earlier than you did last night while you have your head resting on his chest. As you listened to the sound of his heartbeat you think about all the insecurities that he’s so afraid of. The things that he’s afraid no one will accept him for, the pain and fear of rejection. The side that he shows no one else except for you even though you want everyone to know this side of him. The soft gentle side that you fell in love with him for. The side that he hides when he interacts with other people and you spot a glaring difference but others barely bat an eye. You know things about him that he doesn’t want anyone else to know, these secrets that he holds, the things that the world holds against him. He just wants to know if you’ll love him regardless through the weight that these things have against him.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

I promise you that I'll remember the day we met and everyday after that. Whether or not we meet in a lecture hall, some cute cafe on the corner of two streets, or on the floor of a mutual friend's house drunk out of our minds. I'll remember our first date, something that could be as simple as pizza at 7pm or something more like ice skating at the ice rink near us. I just have to hope that I dont fall down and if I do, hopefully itll make you laugh. I'll remember our first kiss because I'll know that I dont want to let go. It might be under a bridge that we found shelter in from the rain or it could be as we sit next to each other watching a movie that we both haven't seen yet. I'll remember the first time I say I love you, it might be after we just finish having sex one day or it could be on your birthday as I give you the gift that I was so excited to give you. I'll remember the day I propose to you, have flowers surrounding us as I get on one knee and hope you accept me. I'll remember the day that we get married, the day that I get to see you walking down that aisle and thinking that you're the most beautiful I've seen in my whole life. I'll remember all of this so hopefully when I get asked, "how did you meet mom?" I'll be able to answer with the biggest smile on my face.

[the-graveyard-of-dreams]

The stars above us

Let's go out to an open field and go stargazing. Itll be just light enough that we'll still be able to see each others faces but dark enough for the stars to shine. I'll point to all the constallations I know and when you ask me how I know all of them, I'll embarrassingly tell you about how I use to have a notebook that I kept with constallations that I traced inside of it. Instead of all of the cliches that people compare their lovers to, I'll compare you to the stars. I'll tell you the chinese folktale about how the two forbidden lovers that are able to see each other because of the stars. We'll run through the field and I'll stop every few steps to pluck flowers that I think you'll like. By the end of the night, my hands will be covered in grass but it wont matter to me because I'll be able to present that bouquet to you and make you smile. We can spend as long as you want in the field, an hour or maybe 3? We'll dance in the middle of the fields, play music we like from the speakers of our phones that I hope will have service out there. And when we get tired we'll flip our bodies on the soft grass beneath us and look up. I'll have my arm around you and your head will be on my chest. We might even be so content that we accidentally fall asleep out there. But something like that would only make me happier, something that's so characteristic of dumb, young lovers. Itll be a memory we have that we'll be able to tell our children when they ask how much I love your mother.