the-love-myself-series - Tumblr blog

[the-love-myself-series]

Love

I went to a wedding recently. It was beautiful. I always get emotionnal at weddings. When the bride entered the church, I couldn't hold back my tears. The pride and happiness on the groom's face! I felt that's what love should be like. How it looks like. And I got envious. Of their happiness, of their friendship, of their love. To have someone you can always count on. Someone who'll always be there for you, no matter what. Someone who loves you unconditionnally. I wish I had someone like that too in my life.

Love comes with responsability though. You're accountable for the other's happiness and well-being. You have to give your other-half everything you have, everything you are. And it scares me. I wish I had someone to give it all, but would I be able to? Someone told me once that being my boyfriend would be awesome because I'd take great care of them and would give them the world if I could. Would I though? I think I know myself better than that person. Or do I?

Whenever I think of that, I wonder if I'd be able to make someone happy. I don't feel like I have it in me. Sure, I'm a nice person and I like to help if I can. But being in a relationship means you're not as free as you'd think. And I don't know if I want to lose that part of my freedom. Or maybe it's because I've never been in a relationship before? Maybe that's why I don't trust myself with someone else's happiness? You never know until you've tried after all. And as one of my favorite artist says, love is a gamble, You never know if it'll be a happy or sad ending. What if I make someone feel miserable? Would I even have such power over someone? Will I be able to put my fears aside and feel it someday?

I don't even know whether I want to try or not. Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel all fine on my own. Sometimes, I feel like I'd become a better person if I was in a relationship. Sometimes, I wonder what's so good about it. And then I start imagining myself with someone. It feels so weird. So strange. Most people learn about relationships in their teens or as young adults. I'm an adult and I've never been in a relationship before. Ain't I too late for that? Can I still learn it at my age?

All my friends have children and here I am, talking about the prospect of being in a relationship for the first time. I feel so out of place. Especially when I'm with them. They talk a lot about their relationship with their husband and their children and I can only listen to them. They always ask me when they'll meet my boyfriend but I can never bring myself to tell them I'm afraid to get one.

My family even got as far as asking my mom whether I was lesbian or not. Not surprising at all. I remember I told my mom I wished I was. Because that would mean I knew what I wanted (and also because it would bother my family ha!)

I just wish I could meet someone nice who would take the time to get to know me and not try jumping on me on the first date.

Yes, I went on a few dates before. I always have great expectations and it always ends the same: the guy trying to kiss me at the end of the date. It might sound ridiculous to you all. But to me, kissing is a big deal. I can't bring myself to kiss someone I don't love. And love comes with trust. And trust comes with time. But nowadays, guys (and people in general) are not interested in taking their time. They want the whole thing as fast as possible. Nowadays, people don't court anymore. It's more like 'I find you pretty, you find me handsome, let's date'. People date and have sex first. Learning to know each other always comes last.

One of the guy I was on a date with once told me I didn't want to kiss him because I didn't find him attractive. I tried to tell him it's because kissing meant a lot to me and I just don't go around kissing random guys I barely know. But he told me he already knew me so well (we met in a club two days before and overall, we'd just been talking to each other for like 2 hours) and said he knew I didn't like him. I didn't even know it myself by then. I was still trying to figure out how I felt when I was with him. Sure, physically, he wasn't my type. But he was nice. I didn't really find his jokes funny, but overall he was a nice guy. No more, no less. It doesn't mean I'd never have been able to fall in love with him.

But seeing as he didn't want to listen to me, thought he already knew me and was kind of trying to guilt trip me, I said stop. How could I want to meet someone who wouldn't take my feelings into account again? I was already feeling awkward because he took my hand while walking and I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't okay with this. Then, he tried to kiss me and acted offended when I told him it was too early for me. He even offered to go to the theater after I rejected him. I told him I didn't like the kind of movie he was suggesting and he said people didn't go to the theaters to actually watch the movie. I don't know what he had in mind and I didn't ask. But I was disgusted. Because I didn't feel like he was really seeing me. He wasn't even listening to me. He just wanted a girl to fool around with. And I'm not such a girl.

I went out of my comforting zone on that day. Everything in me screamed not to go but still, I wanted to give it a try. Because that's what most people do when they meet someone nice. But to me, that day was a disaster and it proved me once again that I wasn't normal. Because I wasn't comfortable during that date. Because it was going too fast for me, but to him, it was nothing special. Because I don't kiss people I'm not in love with on the first date. Because I didn't feel attracted to him. He was attracted to me, I could tell but he surely wasn't in love with me. But he still told me he knew exactly what kind of person I am and that our relationship could last a very long time. Who says that on a first date? I doubted him, I doubted myself. I didn't trust him and he made me uncomfortable. Obviously, I never saw him again. But I will never forget that day.

And whenever I think of dating or meeting someone, I always think of him and that other guy who implicitly asked me to have sex with him on our first encounter.

All the men I met in my life were complete jerks. The one I thought I was dating ghosted me and I found him a week later kissing another girl. One guy wanted to date me after my two cousins rejected him. A guy I liked literally asked my best friend out in front of me just before asking me out after she rejected him. One of my colleague tried to kiss me all of a sudden when we were alone in the office (I never found myself alone with him ever again).

I just want to meet someone nice who'd be okay with taking things slow. Someone who would try to understand me and not judge me. Someone who wouldn't try to jump on me at the first opportunity. Is it too much to ask? Does this kind of person actually exist? Or am I really the weird one?

In any case, I've never been in a relationship before, but I love myself...

[the-love-myself-series]

Just Me

I decided to start this Tumblr page to have a place where I could talk about whatever comes into my mind. Every thoughts, every concern as truthfully as possible. I won't say my name, my age or where I'm from. It's hard for me to speak my mind irl. Saying the truth means showing the real me. And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be just Me. I always feel like I have to fit in. Like I have to have the same life experiences as anyone. The thing is I don't even know whether I want to fit in or not. I just want to be me. I want to have a casual life and do whatever I want. If you're reading this, you might wonder why I can't just be me or do the things I want. Because whatever I do or say, I feel the judgement of my family, my friends, the society in general.

I'll just say this about me : I'm a 30-something year-old woman (who still finds it weird to call herself a woman). In my whole life, I've been in love (or I think I was) only once. And it was a very long time ago. I feel awkward with people I don't know. Or rather, I like the first meeting. It's easy to find things to talk about or questions to ask to get to know the person better. But past that first meeting, I don't know what to talk about anymore. I'm a quiet person who wished she was more talkative and knew what to say under every circumstances. I'm socially awkward because I never know how to react to people (in answer to the way they act or the things they say). I always feel empty inside. As if I didn't have any emotions of my own, but always reflecting others' feelings. If someone is angry, it makes me angry too. If I see someone crying, I'll cry too. If the atmosphere is light and everyone's laughing, I'd be laughing too. But am I really angry, sad or happy? Are these feelings from me or am I reflecting others to fit in? I don't know.

There's something else I can tell you about myself : I don't know. I've never known what I truly wanted. Do I want to be married and have kids and live in a big house? Or do I want a peaceful life just on my own? I don't know. I never know. Whenever I have a big decision to make about MY life, I always turn to my parents or my sister for advice. If they feel like I shouldn't do it, I don't do it. If they tell me it's a good idea, I do it. Why is it I can't make my own decisions? Why am I always so indecisive and need someone else's approval? Why can't I just be me and not care what others might think or say about it? And how can I accept myself as I am? All I see is an indecisive 30 year-old woman who doesn't know what she wants. Jobless, single, still living at her parents' house. Am I what people call a failure? I don't feel like a failure though. And I find comfort in that somehow.

Some people might think I'm waisting my time. I should have countless lovers, travel all around the world, party every weekend (or even every night). I should enjoy life to the fullest! But what does that even mean? I don't want to have countless lovers. I do want to travel all around the world, just not on my own. And I've never liked partys. Once in a while is nice, but every weekend is too much. Does that mean I don't know how to enjoy myself? I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't have sex with random people. Am I waisting my youth? I feel like it's what I'm supposed to do. But isn't this kind of life meaningless?

On this page, I'll try to be as honest as possible with myself. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to accept my own self or even love myself...