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[thebloweshow]

Was-band

It has been forever since I’ve written for The Blowe Show. Well, I’m back. No small talk, let’s jump straight in.

As crazy as it sounds, part of me almost feels guilty for even wanting to open up about the past few months. And every time I have tried to write about it, I keep feeling like, “how dare you even talk about this openly? What will they say? What if it makes someone mad? You don’t want to look like the victim.” I have always written as a way of coping. But I haven’t truly written anything for the sake of not wanting to seem messy or disrespectful, compounded with the aforementioned. I did not want to step on toes or come off too accusatory (especially considering I have my own mistakes to own in all this mess). But me not writing has, to a degree, paralyzed me creatively. I have tried other outlets and a lot of prayer. The prayer has helped, but I still have felt “stuck”. And I realize it is because I have not truly addressed what has been trapped on the inside of me for 9 months. All for fear of what will be said. Well, that is no longer my business. I have no interest in bashing or putting anyone on blast. But I am done dealing with the discomfort of suppressing my voice in order to fit how someone else feels I should conduct myself for their comfort. I have something to say. Like to hear it? Here it go.

Since July of last year, I have been going through an interesting ordeal. I eloped in May and in July I filed for an annulment. SURPRISE! Things did not work out and I attribute it mostly to rushing into something instead of following my gut. I chose to ignore my instincts (and wise counsel from a big sister) all in the name of what I thought was love. It was an impetuous decision. I am slightly ashamed to admit that I now realize it was more me just trying to please her. I’m sure that would feel like a ripoff to her. And I do not feel like I was doing her any favors. But I didn’t want to let her down in any way. So I went against my better judgment and the timeline I already had set. Because I loved her. *kanye shrug* That and I have a fear of disappointing people—I blame my childhood and the responsibilities I faced before I could even put that word into context good. Anyway, those closest to me know the details and she knows exactly how I feel at this point. No need to rehash any of that here. But as things unfolded, I kept silent for multiple reasons:

1-I felt I needed to protect my interests. I made it known I was going to pursue an annulment and I did. Like I said, those closest to me know the reason why. And I never wavered from that decision one bit. I was DONE. But I did not want to further ruffle feathers because, frankly, I did not want to possibly prolong the process of me getting the hell out of the situation. Sometimes, I do wish I knew another way of handling things other than just going ghost. I had felt taken advantage of and unappreciated all in the same instant. Manipulated to a point. So I did not trust speaking at length for risk of being disarmed, so-to-speak. So I kept my distance. As I mentioned before, I am a people-pleaser to a fault. I maintain this fear of being a disappointment (that I really need to unpack and put away). It feels like a failure to me. In this case, my way of dealing with that fun fact was by keeping my distance. I figured I can’t disappoint someone’s request of “making things work” if I don’t allow the chance for that request to be made. Not to mention, things were too messed up (in my eyes) to make anything work. 

2-Out of respect for family/friends. Quite a few new connections were made as a result of this relationship. Good people. Loving people. Folks who barely knew me and embraced me. Not to mention the family connections already in place. Sad to say, the most significant one has been all but severed at this point. I think I mourned that loss harder than the demise of my marriage. Anyway, I cannot say how much that particular relationship will be mended. The rest of the in-laws have my utmost respect, always. And my love. Which, ironically, I have been accused of disrespecting her family when I have said nothing negative about them—with the exception of the aforementioned one. Fun fact: that’s also the one who threw her and all her business under the bus when ish first hit the fan. HA! The irony is too rich for me. Anyways, I did not to want to “vent” and say too much. Because in disrespecting her, especially publicly, I would be disrespecting them. And, hell, kinda playing myself since I married her. I saw something at some point to make such a decision. Shamefully, there were a couple moments where I threw a quick quip online. Because feelings. But I always did my best not to flat out trash her publicly. Because why? And I didn’t want to be that guy on the ‘gram or the FacePlace. Even those “smaller” moments I wish I could take back. Let’s be clear, however: those moments and even me sharing what I have shared here are nothing compared to what I once wanted to and still could say. So whoever is mad, at this point, can just be mad. Stay out of my inbox, though. After this, I am not making any promise I will be as polite.

3-I was too angry. Across the board—it wasn’t all on her. I have never been angry to a point of visualizing physical harm to someone. This ordeal pushed me to that point. It was actually kind of scary. And I started seeing it in a way I did not expect to see it: via my posts on social media. I avoided really lashing out at her online (and a couple other “family” members”). So that anger became displaced into posts about social injustices, opinion pieces, etc (which compounded or even overshadowed any legit anger for the aforementioned). I had discovered no other outlet. So I bled out there. I was becoming “that guy” on these interwebs. A local open mic night helped alleviate some of that bottled up energy. It got me to writing poetry again. But it wasn’t enough. I really wanted to destroy some things. Some people. And I know I can rip a nigga apart when I write. So I didn’t write. I held it in for the most part. Almost to my own detriment—go figure.

4-I had gotten very depressed. I am talking levels where I had to talk myself out of bed…into the shower…out of my dorm room…into getting something to eat. I had to physically talk to myself as if I were talking to a person beside me. My job kept me from being a total prisoner to myself. Something about being in the military and not showing up for work being against the law or something. So, there’s that. Otherwise, I was a soggy mess. What I thought would be forever dissolved before my eyes. I was scared of how it would effect my career. My leadership did their best in reassuring me I was fine. But that still didn’t keep me from panicking to them almost weekly. I was open with them, especially my supervisor, about all my concerns and steps I had taken regarding resolving the issue. But I was still scared. Not to mention just wanting it to be over; navigating completely new territory and not knowing what comes next. Dealing with all that 8,000mi away from any family was a rough gig. I had friends/fam who checked on me regularly once they knew what was going on. It meant the world to me. But I basically lived in a constant state of anxiety for nearly a year. Deep depression for a solid month. On/off depression otherwise. My creative juices almost completely dried up in the midst of all that.

Make no mistake, I always knew I would write about this at some point. I just had to wait until the right time. Which included getting myself in check so that it wasn’t a messy message. I am still working through some anger and some resentment and some regret. I’m not all the way out of the woods with this. Releasing this does make me feel closer to reaching that point, though. I still deal with depression here/there. Mainly because I’ve always wanted a family. I get scared of not achieving that as I approach my 35th bday in a couple of weeks. I want kids. I want a beautiful wife. But I am working on really learning to be by myself after that last bit. The marriage was all of 10 minutes. But the aftermath of all the bullsh*t has left a lasting impression I am still working to overcome. I refuse to feel badly for speaking up for myself and for what I felt was wrong. I refuse to feel ashamed for drawing a line. I am nobody’s victim, but I am nobody’s puppet neither. Whether it’s in the name of “Jesus” or not. I have seen many times how some folks feel that if they can justify their actions with the Word, then it validates what is actually an injustice. Hell, slavery was backed up by the bible too. Miss me with the perverted Christianity. I’m not here for the performative gospel. I still believe God. I still am a proud Christian. I have seen the power in Jesus name for myself. And, for now, that’s the only relationship I would like to focus on strengthening. My faith is what has carried me through trials way worse than this one. So it’s still intact. Now, I do regret some decisions of the past few months; rather the way I handled said decisions. But I am still grateful for the lessons that came from them. And ultimately, I am still content with deciding to get out.