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[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

That Amulet update was everything. It was an awesome chapter! And just what I needed after a lousy day in a lousy week. Seeing that one of my favorite fics updated and getting to read such a dramatic and entertaining chapter really brightened my day.

Amulette d'Amour by me and @therealvinelle

Ooooh, thank you! Look, @therealvinelle, praise!

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What if Rosalie woke up as a vampire with no memories of her human life?

She doesn't remember being Rosalie Hale, Royce, or the rape. Do the Cullens pretend that she was a homeless orphan dying abandoned on the streets who Carlisle found, or do they tell her what happened? How would her relationship with Edward and vampirism be like? Would she be happier as a vampire?

How would Rosalie having no human memories change the twilight canon when Bella enters the picture?

You're hilarious, anon.

They don't have a choice, Edward immediately tells her who she is and exactly what happened. Remember he was arguing with Carlisle as she was turning/immediately after that she's the worst person, vain and selfish, and he doesn't want her in their lives while Carlisle's going on about how he found her.

Rosalie is told immediately and Edward lords it over her forever that he knew who she was better than she does and she was the worst person alive.

She now doesn't know why she married Royce, who did such a horrible thing to her, or if she really was this vain and self centered as Edward claims.

She would probably be about the same as a vampire because of this.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

https://www.tumblr.com/thecarnivorousmuffinmeta/747955823812182016/since-the-shagometer-needs

well isn't the explanation just "it should have been THE WORST possible person"

i think it tracks. she's what, half his age? his favourite little student. whom he invited to a party where he wanted to clear himself of rape accusations, but actually kinda confirmed those in front of everyone. everybody felt lucky to run away from here unscathed, poor girl just was a little too slow, and now. you see. and given that Dumbledore is a powerful wizard (in the eyes of general public) there's really no guarantee that he didn't tamper with her memories, even if she says it's all she wanted.

Amulette d'Amour by me and @therealvinelle

I think they meant "why would these two consent to fucking each other" and less so on the "how are they the worst for each other"

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What if the magic world prime minister informed the muggle prime minister of the death eaters and Voldemort?

-"There is a war going on and we need your help..."

Would the police and the army be looking for death eaters? Would the public be told of a new terrorist group/satanic cult causing problems?

This is canon.

In the third book Fudge releases information that a dangerous criminal has escaped prison. It's unclear here if he went about faking it for the Muggle media or if this came from the top down but Sirius Black was on the Muggle news.

In the sixth book, the PM infamously gets to meet Fudge and Scrigemore who tell him all the natural disasters and bridge collapses and nonsense have been Death Eaters and Voldemort. "The fuck are you doing about it?" the PM asks and then they leave.

Generally, though, the relationship seems to be that the wizarding world only tells the Muggles things when they have to and they don't really rely on them for anything. At most it's a "you tell us if you see X and we'll deal with it" which is fair because that's for the most part all the Muggles can really deal with.

So the Muggles were looking for Sirius Black, they weren't looking for You-Know-Who.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Since the shagometer needs consent...

Minerva/Dumbledore?

Explain please?

Amulette d'Amour by me and @therealvinelle

That would be spoilers, anon.

But yes, Tom agrees and he too wants an explanation.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Do you think Tom getting Hagrid expelled was probably the best thing to happen to him? Because, assuming the Chamber of Secrets fiasco never happened, Aragog would have got out of Hagrid's trunk and he would have killed someone eventually.

It was probably pretty clear to everyone that Hagrid didn't open the Chamber and Aragog didn't attack anyone, as why would a Acromantula petrify a bunch of students and kill only one without eating any of them? Hell, Acromantula's can't even petrify people, so Aragog's clearly not the culprit. But, they were just the covenient scapegoat to make it seem like they were doing something.

It must have been pretty easy to justify Hagird remaining on school grounds as gamekeeper since he was just the fall guy and to everyone else the real culprit must have either got cold-feet after Myrtle's death or got killed themself by whatever monster they were using since the attacks stopped after that.

But, without the Chamber opening, Aragog would have no doubt escaped sooner or later and would have made lunch out of some poor little first-year. If that happened, Hagrid would have probably ended up in Azkaban.

There's a lot to unpack here.

What I Think is the Going Theory By People

At first, it looked like a prank, a very terrifying and unsettling prank but a prank. Someone rights blood on the walls that The Chamber of Secrets is Open, Enemies of the Heir Beware. And just. What the fuck.

The prank continues to get worse as several students are petrified. However, there's a key thing there, they are petrified and not killed. Petrification is a terrible but very reversable process with no after effects going by what we see in canon. It's just a pain in the fucking ass and you better hope you have enough mandrakes on hand or else it'll take for fucking ever to order them all.

Because of that, while it is terrifying and harmful, it's not quite the same as say when Katie Bell was cursed by the amulet in HBP where she had to go to an intensive ward in the hospital for months.

It still I imagine for most people falls in the realm of 'really stupid, dangerous, awful, what the fuck prank that some pureblood idiot thinks is funny'.

I imagine there's increasing speeches of "please knock this the fuck off whoever is doing this" at dinner in the Great Hall from Dippet and him only getting blank stares in response as the vast majority of students is not the ones doing it.

I'm sure like in canon people outside Slytherin blamed the most Pureblood Slytherin they could find (like how Harry assumed it was Malfoy at first), Dumbledore blamed Tom because he always does/he knows Tom is the Heir of Slytherin in actuality and that there might very well be a Chamber of Secrets or even if there isn't Tom would sure use the mantle if he ever found out about it, and I have my thoughts for what the Slytherin's thought but that's another post for another day.

Then a girl dies and suddenly this isn't a prank. There's a period of panic when the school is considered being shut down by the board, maybe there really is a Chamber of Secrets, and then they find a likely culprit, Rubeus Hagrid who has an Acromantula wandering around the school and has a history of bringing in extremely dangerous creatures into the school.

The thing is, I think most people at the time, and even later (barring those we see in canon who for their own reasons do not believe this) think it was Hagrid and a no brainer.

He has a creature whose bite causes death wandering about the halls and then shock of all shocks a student dies. True, while Acromantulas don't petrify, it's entirely possible that the petrifications/blood on the walls wasn't Hagrid and an unrelated stupid Pureblood prank. Added to this we don't seem to get much of a sense of forensic investigations/autopsies when it comes to wizarding world crimes (note that crime scene investigations is never really mentioned and there's only Aurors who come up whose job is just to catch dangerous Dark Wizards, not figure out what the hell happened at a place). So, I'm not sure that they could conclusively say what Myrtle had or had not died from/if they did an autopsy. For that matter, I don't know if it's common enough knowledge of what death by Acromantula looks like in a body after X hours have passed.

It's also not clear, I'm sure to most people given that Hagrid seems to be a pioneer of studying creatures, how Acromantula's feed and how they behave. Do we know that Acromantulas under threat don't poison their victims then scamper away? Do they always bite to feed? Since we know the spiders are sapient this has an extra layer of spice as well--humans certainly don't always kill to feed.

Which makes the defense of Hagrid of "but Acromantulas don't cause petrification!" or "An Acromantula would definitely eat that person it came across and never kill them in any other circumstance" very thin.

I imagine it depends who you ask but there's probably a few prevalent theories on how this all fits together:

Hagrid's spider killed Myrtle, but the blood and the petrifications were an unrelated stupid prank and no one wants to stick their nose into it after a girl died. After Hagrid's arrested/the death, all of it stops anyway so let's not think about it.

Hagrid's spider killed Myrtle and Hagrid had prepared for this eventuality by writing blood on the walls and petrifying students via some other method left and right so that people would think it was a Pureblood Slytherin. Hagrid has notably had run-ins with Slytherins before (see Tom noting the werewolf cubs under the bed/presumably having clashes with Hagrid) and it's possible he already resented them and that this was a ploy to frame someone else for murder/the spider's activities.

Hagrid was innocent! Someone else unrelated used some other monster that then never struck again and was never seen again and was never found in fifty years since to kill Myrtle and petrify those students! Sure, Hagrid has a bad history of bringing in dangerous creatures, doesn't get along great with other students who keep narking on him, and has been quite isolated and admittedly resentful of Slytherins but he's innocent! Because he's a good person who'd never harm a fly! (Except that there's the possibility this was unwitting manslaughter because Hagrid was letting a spider roam the halls)

I don't think anyone thinks Hagrid's actually the Heir of Slytherin or that the Chamber of Secrets even really exists. There might be some, but they'd be considered very stupid.

He has a creature whose bite causes death wandering about the halls and either the petrifications/blood was an unrelated prank from someone who was very unfunny or else Hagrid did it to cover up for himself/out of gleeful preparation for when his spider finally did kill someone. I imagine it depends who you ask, some will think Hagrid only did the death, some will think he did the whole Chamber of Secrets thing as well.

I imagine several don't even believe the Chamber existed or was opened at all but that Hagrid was definitely 100% guilty.

That is, unless you're Dumbledore, in which case it was that fucker Tom Riddle and you know it, you know it in your bones, you can smell it in the air, you just can't fucking prove it. But one day, Tom. One day.

Was Hagrid a Scapegoat/Was it Clear He Didn't Do it?

Honestly, I don't think he was. I think they honestly and truly believed that he was the one responsible because of what's outlined above. Added to the fact that arresting him caused it all to stop when the spider disappeared... it's not a good look.

A scapegoat is one thing, but very important people's children all go to Hogwarts, and people like the Blacks, the Malfoys, so on and so forth don't want a scapegoat they want this stopped. If it was just Dippet appeasing them then I imagine there'd be a lot more pushback for investigation. I think the Board of Governors believes it was Hagrid as well as does the Wizengamot at large.

So, no, not a scapegoat, they 100% thought he did it.

Similarly, I think pretty much everyone except Dumbledore believed Hagrid was responsible. No, it wasn't obvious that Hagrid didn't do it (for much the reason it wasn't obvious to Harry and Ron after Riddle told them. Harry didn't want to believe Riddle, Hagrid's so nice, but it... tracks...)

The them getting killed themselves by the monster is... well... who is missing aside from Myrtle? And why would that stop the monster from rampaging? The spider's gone and we know it's gone so kind of makes sense that everything stopped when the spider's gone.

Was it Hard to Hire Hagrid?

I imagine it was actually quite difficult for Hagrid to be hired on as assistant groundskeeper. I think what saved him there was Dumbledore really going to bat with him for Dippet using the "this poor orphan boy with no prospects and I personally think he isn't responsible for reasons I can't get into because no one will ever believe me" and Dippet feeling sympathy and telling himself "okay, Hagrid had his wand snapped, he is an orphan with no prospects who will starve if we don't employ him here, and his supervisors can keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't do anything".

I imagine a lot of the students and the Board of Governors were very leery of Hagrid being hired/in proximity of the students but some combination of Dippet and Dumbledore brushed that under the rug.

By the time we get to canon enough time has passed, enough has happened, that people have kind of forgotten about this as shown by it not being discussed until the Aurors arrive for Hagrid because "wow Hagrid, this is exactly like fifty years ago, you're still here, and we have you on record saying things like 'all Slytherins are evil at birth', are we doing this again, Hagrid?"

Would Hagrid Have Ended Up in Azkaban if the Spider Had Killed Someone?

Honestly, I don't think anything would have changed from what happened in canon. Because this is what people thought happened.

If there was no Chamber of Secrets debacle and this just randomly happened I think Dumbledore would still go to bat for Hagrid and get him the groundskeeping job (as it seems Dumbledore must have covered for Hagrid in the past). Dumbledore would probably blame Tom Riddle or else quietly admit it was probably Hagrid but Hagrid's just so sweet and it was clearly an accident.

Given that this is exactly what the Wizengamot/greater Wizarding World thought happened, I think Hagrid would be given the same punishment of expulsion and wand snapping, probably because it's manslaughter and he's a minor.

It was only when we went for round 2, fifty years later when Hagrid's an adult and it's looking very purposeful/not like manslaughter, that Hagrid got his stint in Azkaban.

And at this fucking point--

Well, @therealvinelle and I have an @rankheresy episode planned. I'll just leave it there.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

wait tell us more about the deleted fic where the professor who is more competent than Tom (and capable of breaking the curse) gets fired bc Dumbledore hates him

Asker is referring to me mentioning a deleted fic I cowrote with @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin.

It was one of those failed ventures that had a great many wonderful things in it, but it ultimately wasn't... good. We chose to scrap the project, and the things we liked in it have been recycled in other fics, with that one big exception of the DADA teacher storyline.

To get ahead of follow-up questions:

Mine and the Muffin's approach to writing is to always outline first. We start with the premise, and let the idea play out in a bullet pointed play-by-play synopsis. This way we know where we're headed when we write, and even if we end up completely disregarding said outline we have the benefit of having thought things through. We sometimes do outlines for chapters, and while writing a fic we will frequently write new outlines as we write (first outline described the path from A-F, we get to C then write C-H, if that's at all illuminating - marking out the path as we go).

The whole point of this is having thought the fic's progression through before writing. It has helped us make important decisions regarding the plot, as an optional path wouldn't actually go the places we want it to. More importantly, it has sometimes revealed to us that a fic that was in the planning stage should never be allowed to get further. (This was actually the case with a recent Rank Heresy writing competition, as we confidently set about to outlining our idea only to realize that it wasn't... good...)

The big scrapped fic stands out in that this process failed us, we outlined up until a point and set about writing, getting several chapters in before having a sudden "Wait a minute, where is this going?" moment that led to a "How can we salvage this?" crisis mode that turned into the horrible realization the fic as a whole could not be saved as the idea itself was bad.

Absolutely tragic, but very educational and has led us to asking far more critical questions ahead of writing (such as "Can we actually write this?", "Do we want to write this?", or "Is this something we've already written, or that could be incorporated into an already existing fic instead?") rather than just plunging in.

The volume of Twilight fics, many of whom wound up extremely similar and treading parallel ground, is also a lesson in that we learned to think very carefully before launching a new one. Is this an original idea, or did we just repeat a previously written fic?

Thanks to the outline, and seeing a suggestion to how the fic would play out, we've been able to say early on and before actually writing anything that "Yes, this is just (insert fic name) with (insert small tweak). YIKES" and scrap the idea.

So with that, know that the deleted fic was scrapped with good reason but that the best parts of it live on in fics that are available on our Ao3s.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

You want a cursed shipname? One word Dobbydore. Ill let you pick whether its Albus, Aberforth or Arianna’s portrait….

While beautiful and horrible, anon, the point of the poll was to come up with cursed/delightful ship names for ships I actually do write that aren't already named to my knowledge.

I have never written nor intend to write Dobbydore.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

How would Harry Potter wizards react to Dungeons and Dragons wizards? DnD wizards don't need to be born with magic like HP wizards, they gain their power through study and practice. Essentially, a common muggle could pick up a spell book and, if they're willing to work for it, learn magic.

Also, they can get crazy powerful. A decently leveled DnD wizard could probably take on all the most powerful HP wizards and win with little trouble.

Sorry, anon, I don't play DnD and have very little familiarity with it.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

There's this one thing that confused the hell out of me in Prisoner of Azkaban.

So in the third book, Harry talked Remus and Sirius out of killing Peter. Later he expresses regret about letting him go and Dumbledore just pats him on the head and goes "don't worry you did the right thing, now Peter is indebted to you and that kind of debt is a very powerful magic" or something like that. I might be mistaken. Been almost a whole decade since I read the books but I remember the gist of it.

Except... we never see that """magic""" in action. Peter kidnaps him literally next year and clearly has no issue using him to resurrect Voldemort. Then he spends the rest of the books not lifting a single finger to help Harry and co.

Oh waaaait. He tried to strangle Harry and had to be reminded that he'd spared him for him to only hesitate. Then the hand Voldemort gave him proceeded to turn on him and strangle him to death. Lol nvm my mistake. :P

Like... that's it?? That was the result of the powerful wizard debt magic?

Dumbledore spews so much bs throughout the series. I have no idea why I ever liked him.

Well, the thing is, this is a bit of a departure from the blog as it's not really about JKR and why she does the things she does, or any author for that matter, it's about ignoring them and trying to make sense of the world without them (which means taking everything we see about things like wizard debt magic into account and deciding what it is)

But I suppose we can take a little break.

If anon's referring to the time I said it was my favorite, anon will remember I didn't say it didn't have problems. I was picking against the others.

And yes.

That was it.

I think JKR was trying to have a "It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill Golllum" moment (not that she ever blatantly rips off Lord of the Rings, god forbid, no, she's never done that) where Harry is reminded that saving a life is a good thing and perhaps in time we will all have our purpose/redemption.

It's just she kind of forgot about it until the last moment where Peter momentarily chooses not to save his own skin and dies immediately in a hilariously horrible way.

And then brings up wizarding debt so that Severus has one to James, who died/Severus didn't beg to save him, and uh... I guess means he owes Harry somehow?

But yes, that's wizard debt, that's it.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Could you elaborate on your thoughts on the Cursed Child? I'm very interested to hear them.

Too many. Too long.

In seriousness the last time we brought this up @therealvinelle and I promised to do an @rankheresy series of episodes on them because there's... a lot (both in our general thoughts on what goes on in the play, the bit of heresy of 'actually this tracks with what we see canonically and everyone else is wrong and weak and here's why', some things in the play that we... don't think are what is said to our faces or what we're supposed to take away from it.

I could talk for days about Cursed Child.

But the people voted to hear HP things first in @rankheresy so we've been putting out those in the meantime.

Someday.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

you should post your fics on here when you update them so i can share them on my blog and scream. i love the writing you two do!

Y'know I never thought of it that way (and am very flattered, thank you). I figured that if people were interested they'd subscribe and no need for me to shout from the rooftops.

Thoughts, followers?

Look, @therealvinelle, praise!

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

I really liked the scene in which Alphard gets into muggle clothes, and looks at himself in the mirror, comparing himself with Tom. It feels a lot like the Prince and the Pauper, but only on Alphard's head. Like, the idea of himself not being a Pureblood, or worse, not being a wizard at all, seems a rather close thread of thought he could have easily reached. And I know he would be horrified and, to his horror, intrigued by.

It all comes together when he compares himself with Tom. Because Tom is beautiful, is talented, is everything a wizard should be except for the fact he is muggleborn. And, for a moment, Alphard thought, or almost thought, about what it could be if they exchanged places. And he knows he would be even more invisible and plain than he already sees himself.

And Tom seems excited by the idea of Alphard dressed as a muggle. Aroused too. And a perverse part of me wonders, I must admit, if this whole line of reflections could end up as them role-playing. One in which Alphard is muggleborn or a muggle (since, after all, he already is acting as muggle when he becomes Tom's fiancée), and Tom as a Pureblood. On the other hand, Tom in your fics seems too socially conscious and resentful to actually want to be a Pureblood, other than because of the privilege and power it may give.

I think a lot about those two. Alphard somehow became one of my favorite characters in HP, and he is barely even mentioned in canon. I really love what you (as in you and Vinelle) created when writing him.

Amulette d'Amour by me and @therealvinelle

Ooooh, thank you, anon! Look, @therealvinelle, praise!

I'm deeply flattered, anon, very deeply flattered, your thoughts are beautiful, and I love every word of this, but I'm also laughing because "I think a lot about those two" and this chapter you're describing came out yesterday.

Yesterday.

(And Tom is both very socially conscious and resentful and, at this age especially, he uh... would be very conscious period of any kind of 'I'm a bad bad Pureblood prince and you're my naughty Muggle sex serf' routine.

The man may want to be a pretend Dark Lord, a very serious occupation he assures you, but notice that his pretend Dark Lord was not going to form himself a pretend harem or build a pretend sexual dungeon.

And yes, this is where Tom's head immediately go if suggested any kind of 'role play' even though he and Alphard could role play anything they want or do what they're already doing where they entertain little old ladies in costumes at dinner parties and pretend they're getting married.

Tom would die, just die, if Alphard accused him of wanting this,

"It's not like that, I swear, I really am just a bad bad man.")

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Lily Evans/Tom Riddle Shipname Finale Poll

You chose, now choose again forever. Last round baby.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Aro/Carlisle ship name

Contestants have battled, and only two prevailed. Tonight we poll for a true winner!

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

When it comes to shipping with Tom there is a difference, it is shipping Tom Riddle or Lord Voldemort. So, will there be more voting, or is this all?

No.

The way we see it, Tom Riddle did not become Voldemort in the literal sense of the term, there was no cracking of the world's shell so the world could be born. Tom Riddle instead came up with Lord Voldemort, a fearsome Dark Lord who could be all the terrible and glorious things that Muggle-born Tom never could.

To put it this way, Voldemort is the persona Tom had political incentive to invent, Tom Riddle isn't. If Tom hadn't created an alias, made it inescapably clear to those who did know he'd once been Tom Riddle that this was long in the past and never to be spoken of, his campaign would have been dead in the water.

(Podcast listeners will remember mine and @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin's episode where we discussed that there's a strong argument to be made Tom did not kill the Riddles, but took credit for Morfin Gaunt's deed later on to save face.)

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Okay so I’ve missed all the context for this shipnamegate you’ve got going on and I know you’re polling for the worst name however… if you need a good one has anyone suggested Caro? It means like dear or darling in Italian and it would be a pretty cute shipname and is probably what Bella calls her next kid or smth idk she’d be so good at whatever cursed poll you’ve been doing

Ah, alas it is too late and we were never shopping for good shipnames, rather we were in it for the worst possible. Caro is a great shipname for the two, you can say in seriousness you ship Caro, same cannot be said for "Divine Right" or "DoctorDracula".

"Check out my new Caro fic", great. "I wrote a VampVamp oneshot!" not so great. One is taken seriously, the other isn't.

Us being deeply unserious people, we decided to poll for the worst, and the final poll was already underway when you sent this ask.

(And god, you're right, Bella would sweep this.)