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We looked inside some of the posts by thehellionraiser-blog and here's what we found interesting.
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17
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Sonic weapons
I've had an idea for the Army... A battalion of 4-yr old girls to scream at the enemy.
Fucking ear-shattering. Makes my teeth hurt with just one of them at full volume. Imagine 20 of the little fuckers.
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Poopin’ Padawan
What do you mean she hasn’t had a poo today? It’s 6pm. Really, nothing? Not a proverbial or literal sausage? Shit... I sense the crapocolypse ahead.
Hellion. Come and sit on the toilet.
No.
Hellion. We’re going to try and poo like mummy, but obviously with fewer distraction techniques and scented candles.
No.
Nappy off. Sit.Â
Don’t like.
Now poo, please.
No.
Please. Poo like a big girl.
No.
I can sit here all night, you little turdfountain.
Cuddle.
What?Â
Cuddle!
Cuddle while you’re trying to offload a log? I don’t think so my little poopin’ Padawan.
Cuddle!! (Cries)
I don’t really want to to hug you whilst you may or may not be taking a dump.
(Stops crying immediately) No poo. BEAR!
What?
BEEEEEEEEAR!Â
You want a bear?
Yes please.
They shit in the woods you know, regular as clockword. Big steaming piles of bear poo. Take some inspiration.
(Goes to get bear from next room)
(Hears rapid padding of tiny feet away from toilet)
Fucksakes. If you unleash a turdboggan on me later I’m leaving.
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Ham
Bath time Hellion, come on.
Ham.
What? Bath time please, come along.
Ham.
Do you want your bath toys? Your octopus? Your squirty fish?
Ham.
What?
Ham.
I don't understand.
Ham.
Yes. Ham. But what is ham? What do you mean?
Ham!
OK. Good. Ham. Let's get in the bath.
(lifts Hellion into bath, whereupon she starts crying)
HAM.
What the fuck is ham?!
Haaa-aaa-aaam
OK. Out you get. Go find this ham. Whatever it is.
(off she toddles)
Ham.
(she returns with a small wooden square of pink ham from her toy kitchen)
Ham.
(she happilly gets in the bath with her ham).
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The Turtle of Doom
She was stood in the bath. A dark mood overcame the room. A cloud of ominous intention, some would say. A look, deep in to my soul. A gesture, a wave almost, an open âś‹
She turned. Then it caught my eye.
The turtle. The turtle of doom.
I panicked.
I screamed.
I considered crossing myself and summoning the baby Jesus.
But no. A mysterious force took hold of me.
I found myself running, full pelt, leaping nappies and bath toys.
Somewhere an arm conjoured the kiddy loo seat from the floor to the toilet. Who's arm we may never know. It was magic. It just appeared.
I dove. Headlong. Grabbing for her.
Contact.
Scooped. Held. Lifted.
Like a trebuchet. A medieval weapon of precision something in me hefted her to the loo.
And sat her. And heard the glorious plop of success.
Plop.
A visual check and cross check confirmed splashdown.
High fives, party balloons, a little song, a moderate dance, a wave of relief and glee.
We sat, together, in the stillness that followed... Was there more? Was that the end. Did our story stop here.
We explored concepts as diverse as philosophy, the existence of Dog, the comfort of plastic on naked buttcheek.
We waited.
We waited more.
We felt safe.
We lifted. We crosschecked. We wiped. We went back to the bath.
We flushed. We high fived. We nearly goddamn fainted.
We counted the number of toys entering the bath and will count them out very, very carefully.
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Ear
(Hellion pokes a tiny finger in to my ear during a cuddle)
No like.
What? What don’t you like.
You.
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Bear
(Hellion has 986 toys. I’ve counted them all.)
Bear bear.Â
(She demands a small Duplo bear, no bigger than a, er, small Duplo rabbit. Honestly, the fucking thing could be lost under a toddler’s sock it’s so small)
BEAR BEAR!
Where’s bear?
BEEEEEEAR!
Where is he? Where did you put him?
B-B-B-Bear
(Bottom lip starts to quiver. I raise alert level to DEFCON 2. Bear must be found immediately).
BEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRR! BEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRR! BEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!
FUCK ME, ALRIGHT I’M LOOKING FOR THE FUCKING THING! SHIT. BOLLOCKS.
(Hellion breaks down like a man freed from wrongful captivity, wailing and gripping the floor for dear life with one hand).
Wait. What’s that?
(Hellion wailing like a Police car in a tunnel)
BEAR IS IN YOUR FUCKING HAND YOU ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.
(Hellion stops crying immediately).
Hello bear.
(Sigh)
Yes... Hello Bear.
I want to die. Take me sweet Lord of mercy.
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Mallala
Mallala.
(I raise an eyebrow as Hellion walks in to the room with her “I demand a thing” face on)
Mallala!
What?
Mallala! Mallala! Mallala! Mallala! Mallala! Mallala!
I have no idea what you’re saying. Show me.
(Hellion sits on the floor, pouting. T-minus one minute to rage tsunami, I can smell the tide retreating).
MALLALA!
(I’m now gripped with fear about the impending Wrath-of-Toddler, and scrambling for ideas about what the fuck Mallala means)
SHOW ME!
Mallala. Mallalalalala.
Just give me a clue. A colour. A sound. A smell. Anything.
Mallllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (she cries now)
Fuck!
(Several minutes later, sobbing, she walks up to the fruit bowl and picks up a banana.)
Oh. Fucksakes.
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Noisy
(In an effort to sooth the ragebeast that is Hellion before 9am, a restful violin concerto is piped soothingly in to the car)
Do you like the pretty music Hellion?
Noisy. No like!
Heathen.
Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy Noisy.....
You have no idea what irony is, have you?
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Dadda!
(Hellion points at random man in street)
Dadda!
Er, no.... Sorry mate.
Dadda. Dadda.
No, that’s not Dadda.
(Hellion points at another random man in street, who looks nothing like the first random man, or her father).
Dadda!
Sorry fella, she’s got a speech impediment.
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Not on the carpet!
(takes Hellion's nappy off immediately prior to putting her in the bath, in the bathroom which has a nice waterproof lino floor)
Bath time now. Are you ready?
No.
Well, that’s pretty standard.
(turns around to put nappy in nappy sack)
Uh-oh.
What?
(hears what can only be described as the free flowing sound of a cascade of wee on to a carpeted area immediately adjacent to the bathroom)
Not on the carpet!
Lord, save me.
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Banana
Nana! Nana! Nana! Nana!
What’s that Hellion? You want a banana?
Yesh. Nana.
OK. Here you go. Make sure you eat it all.
Yesh.
(4.7 seconds elapse)
More! Nana. More.
Wait. What. Where did it go?
Eat it.
You couldn’t have. Where did it go? Where’s the banana?
Eat it.
I don’t believe you. Where is it?
Eat it.
(Cloud of impending doom hovers nearby)
Hmm.
(2 weeks later turns cushions on sofa. Finds banana. Banana and sofa have become one sentient entity).
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A gift
(Hellion strolls in to the kitchen, proudly beaming, holding out her hands) Oh hi Hellion. What’s that? For you!
Oh, thank you! Let me see.
No.
Oh, can I not see my present?
No.
OK.
Look. For you.
(opens hands)
Oh God, is that... is that a cat turd?!
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Eesafrass
(Hellion points at car gear stick)
Eesafrass!
What?
Eesafrass!!
Er, gear stick?
Eesafrass!!!
I don’t understand.
Eesafrass!!!!
Gear. Stick. Say it after me...
Eesafrass!!!!!
Gear. Stick.
Eesafrass!!!!!!
I have no clue what is happening.
Eesafrass!!!!!!! (Cries)
OK! It’s a fucking Eesafrass then!
(Stops crying).
Eesafrass.
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Choclut
(Hellion appears at her bedroom door for the 43rd time this evening) Hellion. You’ve had a bath. You’ve had books. You’ve had dinner. You’ve had a drink. You’ve got your toys. You have your Toy Story duvet. You have your special noise machine. You have your special light machine. You’ve been in bed 3 hours. I need to be up early. For the love of all things holy... What. Do. You. Want? Choclut. Not a chance. It’s night time. It’s past my bedtime let alone yours. Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut Choclut choclut choclut!!!! Jesus Christ, alright. Have a fucking chocolate button then! No like it.Â
Fuck my life.
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Knitting
Ooh, no Hellion, don’t touch that, it’s mummy’s special wool. Mama’s wool!
Yes, mama’s so put it down like a good girl. (Hellion puts down wool, like a good girl) (Leaves room for 12 pico-seconds) Mama wool uh-oh. (Spends 10 minutes untangling Hellion and cat from enormous web of wool)
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Don’t hit the cat
(Hellion hits cat repeatedly with shower squeegee)
Hellion. Don’t hit the cat... No.
(Hellion Hits cat)
Hellion. NO!
(Hellion looks me dead in the eye.)
(Hellion wrinkles brow almost imperceptibly)Â
(Hellion hits cat)
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Shhhhh....
Shhhh Hellion. Mummy’s asleep.Â
Mama?
Yes. Mummy is sleeping, so shhhhh.
(Puts finger to lips)
(Hellion puts finger to lips)
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Fucks sakes.
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