theivory-skies - Tumblr blog

[theivory-skies]

sometimes i am just so full of grief, and it feels like a boot pressed against my throat, refusing to let any air pass. my lungs burn, too full from the last breath i took, but aching desperately for new oxygen. i just want to be able to breathe again.

why am i the way i am?

[theivory-skies]

i sit alone at my dining table, thinking about how much i love my friends. i'll miss them terribly when the time comes for us to part ways.

outside i can see a group of high schoolers walking down the street. i can hear their laugher and it overlaps with mine from a time passed.

i can see myself walking down the street with my friends. we laugh. we joke. everything is as it was. life is simple. life is easy.

they've gotten me through more than they'll every truly know, and my gratefulness to them is immeasurable. they've made me who i am.

someday we'll go our seperate ways and i'm not ready for that. but for now, i'll make to most of the time i'll still have with them.

i will always love them. and i know they'll always love me.

[theivory-skies]

i'm almost 22 now, and as someone who never intended to make it past 15, i have no idea what to do with myself. my life is going okay, i have some friends, i've got a job that i don't mind that much, my family are still around, but i just feel so empty empty. i have no goals for the future and i have no idea how to make any

[theivory-skies]

i really shouldn't drink when sad because now i just want to die

[theivory-skies]

sometimes i'm convinced this world just isn't for me

[theivory-skies]

the neurodivergent fear that i'm coming across kinda obsessive when talking to someone i like

[theivory-skies]

i wish i could convince myself i'm worthy of love, that i'm worth caring about

[theivory-skies]

every time i look to the future, i break down. i can't take it. and right now it's taking so much restraint to not just end it

[theivory-skies]

i'm just so tired, i don't even have the energy to cry anymore

[theivory-skies]

part of me yearns for companionship. but i'm also content to be alone. i want someone to hold me when i'm feeling down but i also want to be left by myself. i want affection, but i also don't. i'm lonely, but i'm okay with it

it's a strange confliction

[theivory-skies]

i don't know how much longer i can keep doing this...

[theivory-skies]

everything is just weighing down on me so heavily and i feel like i can't breathe

[theivory-skies]

and just like that, everything comes crumbling down

[theivory-skies]

everything is very quickly becoming too much again

[theivory-skies]

i want this to end. i want it to be over. but i'm too scared to pull the trigger

[theivory-skies]

"some things never change"

yeah, with every passing day, i'm just as empty as the last one

[theivory-skies]

i never expected to make it to this age, and now i have no idea what to do with my life