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[theonethatcouldhavebeen]

hesitations

Hey there.

Since I am at a quite fragile, rebellious, emotional and melodramatic phase of my life, today, people around me can't be trusted so easily. I have strict parents and I possibly don't think that they would be very happy to know about my boring and confusing love life.

So here I am and i am going to write all about it.

If ya'll find me and my life interesting enough, please do visit my posts often.

I am 17 years old. And the reason that I am here sharing some unforgettable moments which occurred in my life instead of telling my friends is because of the most obvious and complicated thing of all. TRUST.

When I was 16 years old, and was in school, I had a crush on a boy for like 3 years. Or maybe 2. I didn't exactly know when I started to like him, but it warmed my heart when he used to send me good morning and good night texts every single day. It was during lockdown in 2020 when we started to bond. We used to chat all day long, in between classes and cover up for each other when one wasn't paying attention to the teacher.

But when we came to school physically like after a year or so, he walked right by me and i was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe he would do such a horrible thing to me. I tried talking to him for the rest of day but he kept cutting me off. I was really pissed off. I got home and saw his message saying that his friends would have started teasing us and it would have ruined our friendship. Anyways, we eventually came out of that awkward phase and entered 10th grade. Now the toxic friend comes in the picture. In my friend group, i Hadn't told anybody about my feelings for him because i wasn't sure enough. You know sometimes its just like a stupid attraction and goes away after a few weeks. Now, I wouldn't have imagined that these stupid feeling would stay in my heart for 2 damn years. I think my friends noticed the way I looked at him. They kinda shipped us, but i warned them not to overdo it due to his insecurity of losing close ones. There was this one friend who got a small crush on him and i was like VERY VERY jealous. I was so mad and sad at the same time that I stopped talking to him. this went on for nearly 2 months. This was because my FRIEND was brave enough to reveal that she has a crush on him and the next thing you know is everybody is shipping them. One day after games period, he sat beside me. I turned around, my back facing him. He called me 4 times and when I didn't listen he just twirled the chair around pulling it towards his. I was a little flustered and couldn't meet his eyes, since I was afraid of bawling out my eyes right in front of him. He urged me to look him in the eyes with a husky voice. As I lifted up my head and glanced at him, he was all sweaty from playing football and his face was completely red due the scorching summer heat. The scene made my heart skip a beat. I tried to sound unbothered and asked him, "What do you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something." He said.

"Go on." I replied still acting cool not noticing the stares my FRIEND gave me.

"What's with the long face huh? You don't laugh much either nowadays. I think there is a misunderstanding which I need to clear."

"And that is?"

"There is nothing going on with me and your FRIEND. You know the boys; they just start teasing me for fun. And the reason that I don't deny their teasing is because I know that nothing, I can say will stop them. They will just round up my words and start a dumb rumor."

"Okay. And why are you telling me this?"

There was a long pause. I could almost see my FRIEND staring at us smugly. He stuttered, "Uhm, Uh, you are my friend, and I think that was something you should now so that you don't get the wrong idea."

"Okay then. Noted." I smiled a little grateful for his consideration.

But I was still depressed that he indeed saw me only as a friend. It was just extremely tough to accept the truth and tears formed in my eyes.

"Why are there tears in your eyes?" he asked while chuckling.

"Oh you know, I got it from my mother. In any type of extreme emotion, tears tend to come. It's inconvenient. Every time I laugh I have to remove my glasses to wipe them. Haha." I said, still in a dull voice smiling a little.

"Whenever you explain this situation to anyone, you always laugh heartily while saying it. You aren't now. Who knows. That could be your actual tears." A voice said which didn't belong to my crush.

{Lets call my crush A and the other boy B for convenience.}

"I looked back and saw B staring at us while wiping off the sweat. There was a unknown tension in the air which I failed to understand and just smiled at what he said.

B was with me from the very beginning. I joined the school when I was in 2nd grade and since then B was always in my class. Our class was shuffled thrice. Still here we were. Together even after 9 years. He knew me quite well.

Nevertheless, currently I am in touch with A. I am studying for an entrance exam for med school. I stay in the coaching classes for like more than half of the day. I cut off contact from other fake friends. So, I only talk to A once in a while. In a friendly way of course.

I joined the classes early to get a head start for my preparation so I was shifted to the ADVANCED BATCH. That class was filled with ambitious, smart, focused people. It created a very serious and healthy atmosphere for studying.

We were like 8 girls and other 24 were boys. All of them we really very smart and born talented. It was hard for me to compete with them. Afterall I was an average student. Not some extraordinary child.

Now what I didn't expect was to create a liking towards the topper of our batch. It was a start of something new exciting but I knew how it was going to end. He was out of my league.

Tall, handsome, dark hairs, beautiful eyes, long hands and a gentle smile.

He belonged to the Muslim community, and I belonged to the Hindu community. I knew, that I should get rid of my feelings as soon as possible, because him and me were not gonna happen. However, my heart always acted otherwise.

I liked making people laugh so I used to crack a lot of jokes. He used to eavesdrop once in a while (as noticed by my friends and sometimes myself) and laughed at every one of my jokes of which he heard. It came as a shock because he was not one of those who would laugh that easily. He always had a serious aura. He used to mess around with his friends, but would never approach any girl.

At first, I was quite happy and proud of my sense of humor that I made such a cold boy laugh. But as time went by I found myself wanting to talk to him.

There were some moments of "eye contact" but I didn't think of anything since it could have been just a coincident glance at each other.

I still remember the first time I talked to him. I went to ask him a biology doubt and ended up mispronouncing a word 3 times. Whilst I struggled with the word, he just laughed at me. To be honest I am still embarrassed of this memory.

Many a times he would sit behind me during the self-study sessions. He wasn't the type of person who sat behind girls.

Once, he needed a particular book set (Book set 6). He asked some of his friends and none had that. When he approached me, I checked my bad and saw that exact book lying there. I believe it was fate. While going home I asked how much more time he needed the book since I needed to get home, he asked for 3 minutes.

A man who is punctual about his time. You must think I am weird, but as a medical aspirant that is really hot of him.

As he returned the book, he jokingly said, "At least write your name on the book. You never know the people around you nowadays." And with that gave a sweet smile and walked away.

I was too stunned to see him talking so casually to me for the first time and that smile. Oh god. Literally no words came out as I watched him go into the classroom (he was sitting outside the room for some time)

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Stay tuned for further story. I will write them as the events happen in my life. Thank you for staying till here. I would love if ya'll get interactive. In a non-toxic way of course.

However, if I catch someone detoxifying themselves here, I will make sure to dish one right back. Have a good day!