therealindecisivecaptions - Tumblr blog

therealindecisivecaptions · 8 years

Text

Psychology of Denial...

I have been wearing a chastity device called a cb-2000 on and off for about a month now. My first “sentence” was three and a half days, the second time i was “locked in” for seven days and this time around its been six days since the lock was snapped shut and i have no idea at the moment when i will be allowed out. My Keyholder (who is my Wife and Mistress, LadyLinda) is currently threatening to let me out to pleasure Her without allowing me to cum and then locking me back up. Funnily enough i am, kind of, in a strange masochistic way, looking forward to that.

To those of you who read that opening paragraph and are currently whispering under your breath that “this guy must be nuts”. let me say that a few years ago i probably might have said the same thing. So what happened to me that has led to such a radical change of view? What persuaded me to agree to purchase a chastity device and why are both my Mistress and i so delighted (actually delighted is a significant understatement but i will come back to that in a moment) by the events of the last few weeks?

Before i get to why it has delighted us so much, its logical to talk about what i was like a few years ago when i never entertained a single thought that some form of chastity was in my future. When i met my future Wife and Mistress online, back in 1995, right from the very beginning we played around with “orgasm control”. Mistress trained me over a period of time to pretty much cum on command by always counting back from ten down to zero and expecting me to ejaculate at the point She said “NOW”. Obviously as an awesomely devious, wicked and cruel Mistress there were times when the count stopped before zero and was not restarted immediately. Some form of begging on my part used to be involved at that point. When Mistress was good and ready the count would start again. In the end i came to associate that kind of scene with the inevitability that i would orgasm at some point. sooner or more invariably later.

As an aside we much later on played an ironic game whereby whenever i was close to orgasm i had to beg Mistress to stop (Her hand or my hand or my thrusting or Her thrusting depending on what we were doing) and sometimes She said “Okay” and i experienced the sweet torture of holding back and riding the (almost) crest of an orgasm. (sometimes referred to as “edging”), then calming down only to be ordered to start the cycle (of torment) again.

Other times She said “No” which in effect was an order to keep going and orgasm.

Back to the actual sequence of events the next development was the first time, having played some of these “edging” (or if you like “teasing”) games and i had been aroused for a significant period, that Mistress decided to send me to bed without allowing me to orgasm. In other words my first experience of “orgasm denial”. When She did that i am embarrassed now to have to admit that i pouted. For about three days if i recall it correctly.

Mistress was very cool about the whole incident, did not let me away with it, but it was some time before we visited orgasm denial, as opposed to orgasm control, again. At the time our relationship was principally online and by telephone and yes i could have said yes (or more appropriately “yes Mistress”) to Her and having said goodnight, masturbated to completion anyway. i think the reason i didn’t do that, is that our relationship meant more to me than that. We always treated what we did online or by phone as being as real as anyone else’s D/s relationship. Perhaps that level of trust and honesty is what brought us through the dark days of being 5000 miles away from each other to the point where we are now inseparable. Missing the point?

A whole bunch of things happened that made me begin to question whether i had missed the point that chastity could be a delight from my perspective. i never really had a problem understanding the delight from the Dominants point of view in the sense that there must be an enormous feeling of power to be derived from controlling the sexuality of the submissive / slave. i, on the other hand, had a vague (or maybe real) fear that probably had some of its roots in internet fiction. Many short stories involving devices, of one type or another, involved very long-term chastity extending in some instances to permanent soldering of the lock. More worryingly where long-term chastity came into the picture cuckoldry always seemed to be part of the plot. Its easy to say the words “its just fiction” or “don’t be silly that’s a fantasy and fantasies are often way out there” and logically i know that. Emotionally it’s very different. i have no desire to be involved in a long-term denial dynamic and cuckoldry is a hard inviolate limit for me.

i guess i was making the assumption that these stories were representative of the chastity dynamic. i was very wrong about that! One of the things that began to change my mind was a book called The Multi-Orgasmic Man. The book highlights ancient Chinese and Taoist teachings which recognised that men can achieve multiple orgasms by delaying and even withholding ejaculation. The book explains that orgasm and ejaculation are two distinct and separate processes although most men in the western world believe them to be part of the same experience. The book goes on to outline techniques that can lead to whole body orgasms and unparalleled levels of sexual ecstasy. These techniques have at their core learning to hold back ejaculation and circulating the energy of sexuality around the body.

About the same time i began reading the book i was also spending idle time surfing the internet for BDSM articles of all types and came across a bunch of articles written by a Domme called Rika. A discussion about the articles as a whole is a subject for another day but one of the articles is called “The Chastity Fantasy”. In this article Rika describes the dynamic of chastity as, in effect, an elongated bondage “scene” going on for a number of days. She starts the article by effectively tearing down the myths contained in the types of internet fiction that contributed to my reticence on the subject of chastity and then going on to suggest that being put in the device is a “treat” or “playtime”. When i first read that and began linking the thoughts with ideas from the book on being multi-orgasmic i was forced to confront my previous (mis)conceptions about chastity. There was this nagging thought in the back of my mind that somehow i’d missed the point and that maybe this might be fun (in the pervy masochistic sense of the word “fun”).

Might this be fun?

So at this point in the journey i had probably realised that i had a bunch of misconceptions about chastity but i wasn’t yet sold on the idea of a device. At about the same time i was also reading a lot of stuff on the Internet about teasing and denial. There are some excellent resources and i’ll put some links at the end of the essay. i guess the main point i want to make is that searching under the heading “teasing and denial” uncovered resources and fiction that were both fun and arousing in contrast to the fiction that typically comes from a search for “chastity”. Some of the teasing and denial fiction included the use of chastity devices but typically this was done in a way that the men involved described variously as exciting, arousing and mind-blowing. So now i was beginning to think that i was missing out on the fun and that maybe there was prize to be had from a short period of chastity device wearing. basically a mind-blowing orgasm. It ‘s a short step from this to ordering a device from the website.

i’ll add some stuff to this later about the practical issues surrounding wearing a cb-2000 but what i mainly wanted to share is the emotional reactions to wearing the device. Talking with others online about how i was feeling whilst wearing the cb-2000 was what first made me think about writing something to explain, in a more than cursory sense, what was happening to me emotionally.

The first time the device went on Mistress made a whole scene out of the build up to being “locked away”, how much fun She was going to have whilst i was being denied, how She was going to tease and torment and torture me for days, maybe even weeks. And then She snapped the lock shut! i have to say that the first time i did get a minor rush from the lock clicking shut but if i am honest i haven’t had that since. What does happen consistently is that once Mistress has finished with the initial teasing as i go into the device then within about twenty-four hours i do begin to exhibit changed behaviours. i become very much more attentive to Mistress, my submissive nature is heightened and i become much more service oriented than usual. And its not as though i’m an inattentive “do me” male in the first place.

And its not an act and i’m not playing this way in order to get released. i just feel very sexual and sensual. i become much cuddlier and very much more tactile. i can’t keep my hands off my Mistress and from the moment She awakes to the moment She falls asleep then i want to touch and kiss every inch of Her body, to stroke and tease Her and if She allows it or commands it to please Her sexually until She is completely satiated. i can relax totally into this mode of attentiveness and service because i unconsciously or subconsciously know that i will get no release and that this is not about me, its about the pleasure of my Mistress. If i pick Mistress up at work then i leap out of the car and passionately kiss Her neck, Her mouth or Her shoulders oblivious to whether or not Her work colleagues are around. My hands roam all over Her body in a frenzy of displaying my utter need for Her touch, a touch that i cannot have. Mistress usually whispers something teasing in my ear at this point and my passion increases, my desire boils until She snaps, “that’s enough”, pats me on the ass and instructs me to drive Her home.

i also generally have an incredible energy once i reach this stage. At work i feel that i can move mountains with a flick of my little finger. At home i am like a demon ensuring that Mistress does not, as much as possible, have to lift a finger. However we are going to have to sort something out about the ironing because device or not i still hate that . i’m trying to work out how to be more like this when i am out of the device because Mistress finds this incredibly arousing from Her point of view.

She feels incredibly loved, very wanted and needed. It very much plays to the heart of Her femininity. From the point of view of the headtrip, one thing we did slightly differently to the norm was the way my Mistress “holds” the key.

Typically the key is worn on a neckchain, dangling between the breasts. We had a waist chain custom made with a short length of chain hanging down from the main chain with the key dangling just about level with my Mistress’s clit. The torment is that when ordered to sexually service Mistress with my tongue i am very, very conscious that i am being denied even as i bring Her pleasure and satisfaction.

One of the things that i think you have to enjoy to make the experience pleasurable is the eroticism of sexual torment. To actually be able to process the teasing and feel the shivers running down your spine. To enjoy the feeling of your cock throbbing in the device. To be able to accept a comment from your owner to the effect that maybe if your good you might get out tomorrow or maybe the day after that and smile. To show your owner how horny you are, how much you desire to come out for Her pleasure (and yours) and laugh with Her when She giggles and says “No”. To suffer the erotic torture of maddeningly massive erections as She orders you to pleasure Her with your fingers, mouth, lips and tongue. To come to terms with being denied. All these things and more i have come to enjoy and are the source of the energy i have after the first few hours in the device. Downside

There is a downside to all this though. Well there would be wouldn’t there.

Life always seems to have a catch. What seems to happen is that when i have a little down patch emotionally then it can feel like the end of the world.

i know that in essence i am a control freak. i cannot settle when i am stressed about work and therefore i normally work incredibly hard to stay on top of my job. At home i am very organised and a bit of a neat freak. i guess that for me i need to be that in control of my life. That control is also part of my “gift” to my Mistress when i submit to Her. If i am out of control then i feel like i have nothing to give. And then life throws one of its little spanners in the works. This might be easier to understand if i give you an example;

One day the second time i was wearing the device one of our cats accidentally got locked in the bathroom when we went to work. When we got home, not unnaturally, the cat had been trying to get out of the bathroom and had clawed at the carpet and left the edge in quite a mess. And i just lost it emotionally. Whereas normally i might be ticked it felt like the end of the world. i almost cried in frustration. Mistress tried to help me through it but i was inconsolable. And that made me feel disappointed in myself, because additionally i felt i was letting Her down.

It might be that this is just stress on top of the frustration that is part and parcel of wearing the device and accepting the teasing that is an integral part of the situation. A kind of snowball effect. But i think it’s more complicated than that. The highs involved in wearing the device are incredibly high, so if you “fall” there is a longer way to fall than usual.

There is also the issue of beating up on myself for losing control.

It’s similar to the point where you realise that losing your temper is a sure sign that you are going to lose an argument. i think the best explanation i have for it is that it is a kind of exaggerated sub drop. Add all these factors together and it’s a very quick downward spiral. Contributing to this as well is one of the physical side effects of the device which we refer to as 5am “boner”. Clearly this is something that happens quite naturally but normally just passes me by during sleep.

Not in a chastity device it doesn’t!!! Most mornings will find me leaping out of bed, heading rapidly for the loo to try and pee, which helps ease the erection away. After that its impossible for me to go back to sleep so one of the dynamics going on is mild sleep deprivation. This is not a huge issue (other than the size of the boner) but it may well be a contributing factor in the stress – frustration – sub drop situation.

Given that we are getting used to these emotional drops occurring we are better prepared for them and are getting better at getting past them.

As with many “difficult” BDSM issues communication is of paramount importance. I am very lucky to have a safe environment in which to work through these issues given that the basis of our relationship is loving, safe sane and consensual. And, for giving me that emotional safety, i will always be in debt to my wonderful Mistress.

More than anything, this section is the reason i wanted to write this “essay”. The emotional rollercoaster was something we had just not anticipated, the issues it raised were not the ones we expected. This may not happen to everyone. If it does happen to you, i would warn against ploughing on regardless. The issues that arise need to be dealt with slowly in a loving and caring environment.

The prize?

So is it worth it? i can only say that for me the prize is the great highs and tremendous energy experienced whilst wearing the device and an unparalleled orgasm of Mount Vesuvius proportions when “permitted”.

Many men, myself included, suffer some form of performance anxiety. After a few days in a chastity device i have found the chances of performance problems exceptionally remote and therefore i can just concentrate on totally enjoying the sex and on trying not to come too soon. i get exceptionally erect from the moment the key comes into view and there is the chance that i’m about to be released. Its actually quite difficult to get the device off whilst being that aroused. but trust me when i say that this is the kind of problem you are only to happy to overcome.

My advice on the practical side of things is keep the device clean – you can shower in the cb-2000 without a problem. Beware of the lock showing signs of rust and think about using some wd-40 on it between sessions. Use a cream or baby oil or powder to ease any chafing of the skin against the device.

You will have to learn to pee sitting down. the side benefit of which is that you never forget to put the toilet seat down for your Mistress. And you won’t be late for work whilst wearing the device – the 5am boner is more reliable than any alarm clock i have ever had.

There is no problem with the device, that i am aware of, if you are pierced.

In fact if you have a Prince Albert, the sense of security can be increased by additionally locking the PA ring to the device.

It takes a bit of time at the start to work out the best arrangement of rings and spacers with the cb-2000. You do need to experiment a bit first before you go for your first formal “lock-in”. We didn’t and we didn’t lose anything by it, but looking back it would have been more straightforward if we had…

Thanks to femaleledrelationships.net

256 notes · View notes

therealindecisivecaptions · 8 years

Text

My case for orgasm predicament over orgasm permission/denial

Written by Dhyana of BadKitty Bondage (not on Tumblr) and posted here with her permission. Thanks Dhyana!

Orgasm control can be a beautiful and very fun part of kinky play and D/s dynamics. Despite how much I like it in theory, though, the practice of asking permission to orgasm is exceedingly frustrating for me. Not because “Whaa whaa I’m a whiny bitch I want to come, dammit!” But because actually GETTING permission to orgasm is pretty much my equivalent of a boner-killer.

Here’s why:

Imagine you are a bottom/submissive who LOVES bondage. You are strapped down to a bed/table/whatever and getting your brains fucked out. The sex is amazing. You strain and writhe against your restraints, but you can’t escape and the feeling of immobility is bringing you closer and closer to climax. The harder you fight your restraints to no avail, the more realistic it becomes. The more you push, pull, and squirm, you feel all the more helpless and all the more turned on until you are sweating, shaking, reaching your breaking point. You are going to come. Frantically you ask, “PLEASE!! May I come?!?” At your request, the top/Dom unfastens all of your restraints and says, “Come.”

But now you can’t.

Your orgasm has just been murdered by kindness.

Why? Because the bondage and wrestling with the restraints WAS the turn on. It was the reason you wanted to come in the first place. Now it’s gone and you are expected to have an orgasm anyway.

Yeah…probably not going to happen.

I use this analogy because I think we often forget that mental or psychological bondage IS bondage, simply because it is less tangible than rope, straps, or handcuffs. Just like the physical restraint is the turn on, the mental restraint is the turn on.

You don’t want to wait for the cuffs to come off to have an orgasm. You want to orgasm while struggling against them and feeling their full effect!

For me, the practice of orgasm control is another type of mental bondage which is a HUGE turn on. The more I fight it, the more I try NOT to come, the more turned on I get and closer I get to climaxing. Add to that being explicitly told not to come, and my libido is raging and about to crash through the roof. As soon as I have permission to come, the psychological bondage ends and the metaphorical restraints are removed. Now there is nothing to struggle against and my budding orgasm crawls into a hole and dies.

So how do we fix this?

Well if you’re either lazy or excessively cruel, you simply keep going about your business as usual and torture your bottoms with generosity by giving them permission to orgasm.

My preferred option - use mental predicament!

You are free to come when you want, but the consequences of coming are [blah blah insert painful, horrible, disgusting things]…

The stronger the motivation to NOT orgasm, the stronger the mental bondage, the more epic the orgasm becomes when you finally break. How badly do you want it? Are you willing to take a caning for it? Bleed for it? Take it in the ass? Let three strange men come on your face for it?

For me personally, I want to not want to come. I want to break down slowly and pathetically until I finally give in to my body in one crying, anguished mess - reveling in the moment of release and ecstasy and then resigning myself to the consequences.

To me this is a win-win. The top/Dom gets to exert their control by choosing the consequences and watching their partner wrestle with their decision while breaking down into a crying, pathetic mess of sexual need. Meanwhile the bottom/subby gets to enjoy their orgasm while in the throes of mental anguish and restraint.

…and I do love the taste of anguish.

1K notes · View notes